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- Sheriff Department!
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Sheriff Department!
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You reported a crime
on your doorbell camera?
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Probably just a guy in a hoodie.
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It's always just a guy in a hoodie.
Sheriff Department!
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Going, going. Nope. Okay.
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Call the Fire Department next time.
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Can't be here all day, guys.
I can't be here all day.
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I got stuff to do.
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Your doorbell camera is not deputized.
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Why would--
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Who would do this?
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Who would do this?
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Why?
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Why?
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Why!
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- Welcome to the Secure and Sassy
Concealed Carry Fashion Show.
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Heather's working a casual look.
She's running errands.
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But she's not running scared.
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Thank you, Heather.
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Next up is Shawna.
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Shawna's ready for yoga class.
What's up in that yoga mat?
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It's a 12 gauge pump. Nama-stay safe!
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She's a ten... with a pair of nines!
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Who's ready for evening wear?
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Clemmie is ready for a night on the town.
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But she's no sitting duck.
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Where are you packing, Clemmie?
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- CLEMENTINE: There's a couple of things
in life that I'm really into right now.
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One of them is fashion.
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And one of them is not having anyone
piss all over my rights.
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- PRESENTER: Well, what's so special
about that swimsuit?
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That's right. It's Kevlar!
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Stay away from her pool party, ISIS.
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- MAN 1: Hello, cops. Hello.
- MAN 2: What's up, pigs?
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- We see you. I see you're on duty--
I'm on duty, too.
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Okay, we just saw you
tryin' to protect the Constitution
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with our goddamn phones, man.
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- These kids, now they're trying to catch
us doing something wrong all the time.
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I mean, it's tiresome.
- They're gonna have a long wait.
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- MAN 1: How many guns you got in there?
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- FEMALE OFFICER: Fifty.
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- JONES: Fifty?
- MAN 1: Fifty! That's way too many guns.
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- JONES: How many guns you got out there?
- None!
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- MAN 1: Don't laugh!
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That's not funny.
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- JONES: Whoa! That's our guy!
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- FEMALE OFFICER: That's our guy!
- JONES: Let's go!
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- MAN 1: We got it! Oh, my God!
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What the-- You're opening fire!
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These police officers
have just opened fire!
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- MAN 1: They're shooting him!
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- Hi, guys.
- Hey, fellas.
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-Welcome!
- Congratulations. You got jury duty.
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- Bienvenue.
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- Congratulations, you got ju-- Wait, no.
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You got jury duty.
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- Which one of you guys--
Somebody named Tryst?
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- I'm Tryst.
- What kinda name is Tryst?
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- You have $3,400
in unpaid parking tickets.
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- I thought... Wait.
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- We'll see you in court.
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- But...
- Hang on to that.
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- Okay, don't hit him, sir.
- I'm not hitting him.
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I'm not hitting anybody.
Did I hit anybody?
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- ALL: No!
- You absolutely did not.
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- I didn't.
Who's got all the dick pics on this one?
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- Me, sir.
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- Is that you or a friend?
- It's a friend.
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- Well done.
- I mean, I would've said it was me.
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- This morning, we found out
a model had to drop out.
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She had a bowhunting accident
over the weekend.
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- Clemmie had a friend--
- It's not a friend.
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Had a-- Knew someone who could step in
at the last minute.
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So we're gonna give her a go.
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- I know you've never done this before
but you've probably watched models before?
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- You've never watched a fashion show?
- I don't have a TV anymore.
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- Okay. Okay.
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Well, why don't you-- This a runway.
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- Smize. And then I smize.
And then I smize.
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And then I smize. And then I smize.
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- I'm gonna pause you for a second.
- Okay.
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- It got weird--
- Take this seriously.
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- CLEMENTINE: Trudy's like that
old spare tire that you forget about.
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- Sure it's bald... barely gonna get you--
- Stop complimenting.
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Stop with the compliments.
My head is getting big.
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- I've got so many compliments
just like that one.
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- PRESENTER: Up next, it's Trudy.
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Tennis, anyone?
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- TRUDY: I have never walked
in a fashion show before.
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But I do walk around a lot...
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to the coffee machines,
sometimes to the vending machine,
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and I have been told...
that I look pretty good doing it.
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- Who told you that? Name names.
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- Roberto. He's new.
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He and I are kind of having a thing.
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- PRESENTER: Trudy is serving up
a beautiful silhouette.
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Nice backhand, Trudy.
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What about that tennis racket?
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I 40-love it.
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As if Trudy was not creating
enough of a diversion herself...
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Flash grenade!
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Ball's in your court, date rapists.
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Trudy, is that a .32 ACP gun
in your pocket
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or are you just happy to live a country
with the Second Amendment?
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- MAN: Shooter!
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- I'm okay.
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Shit!
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- MAN: Sorry.
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- Next up is Lisa!
8409
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