Original subtitles

- Sheriff Department!

Sheriff Department!

You reported a crime on your doorbell camera?

Probably just a guy in a hoodie.

It's always just a guy in a hoodie. Sheriff Department!

Going, going. Nope. Okay.

Call the Fire Department next time.

Can't be here all day, guys. I can't be here all day.

I got stuff to do.

Your doorbell camera is not deputized.

Why would--

Who would do this?

Who would do this?

Why?

Why?

Why!

- Welcome to the Secure and Sassy Concealed Carry Fashion Show.

Heather's working a casual look. She's running errands.

But she's not running scared.

Thank you, Heather.

Next up is Shawna.

Shawna's ready for yoga class. What's up in that yoga mat?

It's a 12 gauge pump. Nama-stay safe!

She's a ten... with a pair of nines!

Who's ready for evening wear?

Clemmie is ready for a night on the town.

But she's no sitting duck.

Where are you packing, Clemmie?

- CLEMENTINE: There's a couple of things in life that I'm really into right now.

One of them is fashion.

And one of them is not having anyone piss all over my rights.

- PRESENTER: Well, what's so special about that swimsuit?

That's right. It's Kevlar!

Stay away from her pool party, ISIS.

- MAN 1: Hello, cops. Hello. - MAN 2: What's up, pigs?

- We see you. I see you're on duty-- I'm on duty, too.

Okay, we just saw you tryin' to protect the Constitution

with our goddamn phones, man.

- These kids, now they're trying to catch us doing something wrong all the time.

I mean, it's tiresome. - They're gonna have a long wait.

- MAN 1: How many guns you got in there?

- FEMALE OFFICER: Fifty.

- JONES: Fifty? - MAN 1: Fifty! That's way too many guns.

- JONES: How many guns you got out there? - None!

- MAN 1: Don't laugh!

That's not funny.

- JONES: Whoa! That's our guy!

- FEMALE OFFICER: That's our guy! - JONES: Let's go!

- MAN 1: We got it! Oh, my God!

What the-- You're opening fire!

These police officers have just opened fire!

- MAN 1: They're shooting him!

- Hi, guys. - Hey, fellas.

-Welcome! - Congratulations. You got jury duty.

- Bienvenue.

- Congratulations, you got ju-- Wait, no.

You got jury duty.

- Which one of you guys-- Somebody named Tryst?

- I'm Tryst. - What kinda name is Tryst?

- You have $3,400 in unpaid parking tickets.

- I thought... Wait.

- We'll see you in court.

- But... - Hang on to that.

- Okay, don't hit him, sir. - I'm not hitting him.

I'm not hitting anybody. Did I hit anybody?

- ALL: No! - You absolutely did not.

- I didn't. Who's got all the dick pics on this one?

- Me, sir.

- Is that you or a friend? - It's a friend.

- Well done. - I mean, I would've said it was me.

- This morning, we found out a model had to drop out.

She had a bowhunting accident over the weekend.

- Clemmie had a friend-- - It's not a friend.

Had a-- Knew someone who could step in at the last minute.

So we're gonna give her a go.

- I know you've never done this before but you've probably watched models before?

- You've never watched a fashion show? - I don't have a TV anymore.

- Okay. Okay.

Well, why don't you-- This a runway.

- Smize. And then I smize. And then I smize.

And then I smize. And then I smize.

- I'm gonna pause you for a second. - Okay.

- It got weird-- - Take this seriously.

- CLEMENTINE: Trudy's like that old spare tire that you forget about.

- Sure it's bald... barely gonna get you-- - Stop complimenting.

Stop with the compliments. My head is getting big.

- I've got so many compliments just like that one.

- PRESENTER: Up next, it's Trudy.

Tennis, anyone?

- TRUDY: I have never walked in a fashion show before.

But I do walk around a lot...

to the coffee machines, sometimes to the vending machine,

and I have been told... that I look pretty good doing it.

- Who told you that? Name names.

- Roberto. He's new.

He and I are kind of having a thing.

- PRESENTER: Trudy is serving up a beautiful silhouette.

Nice backhand, Trudy.

What about that tennis racket?

I 40-love it.

As if Trudy was not creating enough of a diversion herself...

Flash grenade!

Ball's in your court, date rapists.

Trudy, is that a .32 ACP gun in your pocket

or are you just happy to live a country with the Second Amendment?

- MAN: Shooter!

- I'm okay.

Shit!

- MAN: Sorry.

- Next up is Lisa!