Original subtitles

(upbeat music)

(whistling)

- Hi, Cynthia, I mean Joanie.

This is Tim.

No, Hon, I wasn't thinking of another girl.

Well, Cynthia, I don't even know a Joanie.

I mean, Joanie, I don't even.

Joanie.

(phone hanging up)

Joanie.

Hello.

(laughter)

Hello.

Well, I don't know what's the matter with me today.

I seem to have Cynthia on the brain.

- Typical.

- Oh, I suppose you never have a lapse of memory.

- Of course not.

The Martian memory is orderly and efficient.

Your mind is

like Mrs. Brown's attic.

- What do you mean?

- It's cluttered with all kinds of useless odds and ends.

The discontinued phone numbers of the last three places

you've lived, the sixth-highest mountains in the world,

who won the World Series in 1952.

(laughter)

Your memory is so crowded with stuff you don't need,

you can't remember what you wanna know.

- On Mars, they have a better way?

- Naturally.

Watch.

- [Tim] Well, what's that?

I don't remember seeing that before.

- A quantotronic memory transducer.

Table model size.

A Martian keeps in his head only those memories he wants.

The rest are recorded and filed away.

- Oh, well once you've recorded them,

can you get those memories back again?

- Of course.

- Well, I wouldn't mind filing Cynthia away,

just temporarily of course,

while I concentrated on other matters.

Like Joanie.

(laughter)

- Nothing to it.

Observe.

- Now just a second, Uncle Martin.

You sure this thing's gonna work.

I mean, you know, I have an Earth brain.

- No problem.

We just adjust it to your capacity.

IQ low, imagination feeble,

concentration nil.

(laughter)

- Now just a minute.

- By Martian standards, that's all.

Now, before we clear Cynthia out of your memory,

we enter her name on this little index,

so you can bring her back when you want.

Number A110274,

Tim's memory of Cynthia.

Ready?

- Shoot.

- No no, Tim.

This machine works like a cream separator.

Whatever is on the top of your brain, it skims off.

Now you've got to bring Cynthia to the top.

(dramatic music)

Harder, Tim.

Much harder.

Picture her in all her smoldering beauty.

Keep saying,

Cynthia, bring her to the top.

- Cynthia.

(laughter)

Cynthia.

Cynthia.

Cynthia.

Cynthia.

Who's Cynthia?

(laughter)

I think your machine just laid an egg, Uncle Martin.

- No, Tim, this is your memory of Cynthia,

number A110274.

Warm, vibrant, vital, the tones of her voice,

the fire in her eyes, every line,

every curve, they're all here.

- This

is Cynthia?

(laughter)

(beeping)

(beeping)

(upbeat theme music)

(upbeat music)

- Boy, if you didn't tell me

I once knew a girl named Cynthia.

- She's out of your mind,

but she's on that pill.

Every detail of your memory of Cynthia

is engraved on the molecules of this tiny silicon wafer.

- That's amazing.

But suppose I want her back?

- Simple, you just swallow this.

The silicon molecules will bring her back so vividly

you'll be programmed into acting as if she were right here.

- Boy.

This is just what I need.

Why, Cynthia is safety filed away,

and well, Joanie's sort of a lost cause for today,

so I can just sort of file her away her,

and then I can,

oh, I can remember nothing but Shirley.

And then I can put Shirley away,

and then I can really concentrate on Margie.

Then, maybe I can have a little touch

of Cynthia on the weekend.

- No, no, no, no, Tim.

This machine represents 5,000 years of Martian progress.

It wasn't built to make a playboy's life easy.

That's why I took it away from King Solomon.

- Well, all right, all right,

I'll use it for more serious things.

I can use it in my work.

For research, sure, why with a memory machine like that,

I could get the Pulitzer Prize.

- Sorry, Tim, neither you nor the human race

are ready for these things.

Maybe in another thousand years.

- Lotta good it'll do me then.

- Well I'll see you later.

I'm off to the supermarket.

- Oh, you got the shopping list?

- Mmm-hmm, right on this pill.

I'll swallow it when I get there.

So long.

(soft music)

(phone dialing)

(laughter)

- Sweetheart, I didn't mean to call you Joanie.

It just popped out by accident.

Yes, yes, you're right.

Joanie does seem to be in my mind,

but that's only because, Sharon?

Sharon?

(laughter)

I can't even finish a sentence.

Well.

Last chance.

(soft music)

Cheryl Davis.

Cheryl Davis, yeah.

That's my last chance.

Now, now remember, it's not Joanie.

It's Cheryl.

(phone dialing)

Cheryl.

Cheryl.

Cheryl.

Hi, Joanie.

(laughter)

(mysterious music)

Now bring her to the top,

and get rid of her.

Joanie.

Joanie.

Joanie.

(door opening)

Uncle Martin.

Uncle Martin.

(dramatic music)

May I help you, sir?

- Thank you.

You can take some of these groceries.

- Well, you must be from the grocery store.

I didn't order any, but maybe Mrs. Brown.

- If you're gonna stand there making jokes,

I'll just do it myself.

(mysterious music)

- Who are you?

- Quit clowning, Tim.

A little harmless Martian levitation

beats your sweat of the brow Earth approach anytime.

- Martian? No.

There can't be any Martians, there just can't be.

(dramatic music)

- Oh so that's it.

Now, Tim, this could be serious.

Listen to me.

- There can't be any Martians.

There can't be.

(dramatic music)

(laughter)

What's that?

- Merely an invisible force field barrier

to keep you in here.

- You are a Martian.

- Correct, Tim.

- What are you gonna do with me?

- Tim, relax.

I know your name, right?

And I know you, correct?

Now, you'll have to take my word for this.

You know me.

(laughter)

Yes you do.

Tim, we're old friends.

- You're a Martian.

- But a friendly Martian, good and kind.

We can't help it.

Our heredity is programmed that way.

So you must believe me when I tell you,

I have been like an uncle to you.

- No.

- Yes.

In fact, you call me Uncle Martin.

Come on now.

Say it.

Uncle Martin.

- Uncle Martin.

- Good.

Now, your uncle is going to give you this little pill,

and your memory of me will come right back.

- You're not gonna give me a Martian pill.

If this is an invasion,

you're not gonna get me turn against my own people,

because I'm an Earth man.

Do you hear that?

I'm an Earth man.

(laughter)

Operator.

Operator.

(dramatic music)

Operator.

Operator.

(laughter)

- Sorry, Tim, I can't afford

to let you notify the authorities.

(door knocking)

We're busy, Mrs. Brown.

- No we're not, no we're not.

Come on in, come on in.

- Oh, Martin, I found this peculiar looking bug

on my Cup of Gold Vine.

- He's a Martian, Mrs. Brown, he's a Martian.

- Oh don't be silly, Tim.

He is green with long silky feelers,

but he's not a Martian.

- No, I mean him.

He's a Martian, they've landed, there's an invasion.

- Is he sick?

- Don't talk to him, call the police.

- Don't talk to your Uncle Martin?

- He's not my Uncle Martin, how could he be?

I don't even have an Uncle Martin.

- What's happened, he's raving.

- Don't be alarmed, Mrs. Brown.

A little bump on the head, he ran into the cupboard door.

It sometimes produces temporary amnesia,

along with hallucinations.

- Oh my, it musta been a nasty blow.

- Oh, it was.

- How can you stand there chatting?

Doesn't every human instinct tell you

that he is not a man?

- Why just the opposite.

(laughter)

- All he needs is a little rest.

I'll look after him,

and this little fella is an ephemeroptera.

I'll see you later.

- Mrs. Brown, don't leave.

He is a Martian.

- Oh I think I better call a doctor, Tim needs help.

- Yes, call a doctor.

Call two doctors, and tell them to come armed with weapons.

(laughter)

- You're making things worse, Tim.

Now I'll just have to wipe all of that out of your mind.

- Oh, oh, you're going?

I mean goodbye, have a nice time.

- Oh don't try to escape.

Force field, you know.

(mysterious music)

(laughter)

(laughter)

(laughter)

- Well where is he?

Is there any way you can reach him?

Well, would you ask Dr. Nichols

to please visit Mr. Tim O'Hara right away?

It's very important.

Thank you.

Oh, Martin, I am so worried about Tim.

- Tim's all right, Mrs. Brown.

Just relax.

- I hope so.

Oh, what's that, some new kind of stereo?

- More or less.

It'll help you forget your troubles.

- Oh, you're so thoughtful.

But shouldn't you be with Tim?

- That's right, think about Tim,

concentrate on Tim.

- That's all I can think of.

And that funny little beetle he calls a Martian.

(laughter)

- No no no, Mrs. Brown, concentrate on Tim.

Not beetles.

(laughter)

- What beetle, I don't remember any beetles.

(laughter)

- I know.

Let's try again.

Now,

think about Tim.

- That's all I can think of.

And what are we sitting here talking about,

when Tim is sick?

I've got to help him, poor Tim.

Where was I going?

- Don't you know?

- I don't remember.

Now isn't that silly.

It was about somebody.

His name began with a --

- Would it have anything to do with my nephew Tim?

- Oh do you have a nephew, Martin?

- Yes, you'll meet him someday.

Goodbye now.

(car approaching)

(car door closing)

- I'm Dr. Nichols, is Mrs. Brown here?

- Oh hello, Doctor, how are you?

- I'm fine.

My office called me on my car phone and said it was urgent.

- Well, there must be some mistake, Doctor.

- Mistake?

But you said that a Mr. Tim O'Hara was very sick.

- I don't know a Tim O'Hara.

Mr. Martin O'Hara lives over my garage.

- [Tim] Help!

Help!

Help!

- Well I hope all your little transistors are in good shape.

We've got a big afternoon ahead of us.

(laughter)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

- Help!

Hurry, Doctor, Mrs. Brown, in here.

Help!

(laughter)

Help!

- There's a head on the floor.

And it's talking.

Ohhhh!

(laughter)

- Calm yourself, Mrs. Brown, it's only my nephew Tim

climbing up from the garage.

- Oh, so there is a Tim O'Hara.

- He kept him hidden in the garage.

Oh what some people won't do to avoid paying rent.

Really, Martin, I'm surprised at you.

(laughter)

- This is ridiculous.

- Well thank heavens you got here.

- Now just a minute, young man, are you Tim O'Hara?

- Well of course I am.

Just ask Mrs. Brown.

- He's a complete stranger to me.

- What?

- He's my nephew.

- I never saw that man before in my life.

He is a Martian.

- A Martian?

Now wait a minute, wait a minute, let's get this straight.

You don't know him.

He doesn't know you.

And you,

do you have any aspirin?

(laughter)

- Let me explain.

My nephew ran into a cupboard door and lost his memory.

Mrs. Brown was checking on that same cupboard door

and unfortunately suffered the same accident,

a partial loss of memory.

- Don't let him trick you, Doctor.

He is a Martian, and I am telling,

there's a spaceship right down there.

- [Doctor] A spaceship, huh?

- [Tim] Mmm-hmm.

- [Doctor] Tell me, when did you hit your head

on the cupboard door?

- All right.

(mysterious music)

All right, don't believe me.

Take a look for yourselves.

(laughter)

Look.

(soft music)

(laughter)

- [Doctor] I don't see a thing.

- There's nothing in the garage.

- What?

Well there's gotta be.

I just saw it.

I cut this hole in the floor,

and down there was this great big thing down.

(laughter)

Well, it was done there,

and he did something.

He he he tricked you.

He made it disappear.

Down there, there was thing, it was about,

it had a, well, a.

I'll show you.

I know, I know he tricked us.

Well there in the driveway, a flying saucer.

(laughter)

Well, do you see it, the flying saucer?

(laughter)

- Young man, that is my car.

And with the traffic situation the way it is today,

I only wish it were a flying saucer.

Come over here and sit down.

I just want you to sit down over here.

- Why me, I'm fine, I'm fine.

- Now just take it easy.

I understand, that's all right.

Son, you need a specialist in mental disorders.

- I need a specialist?

- That's right, but before we can get you to one,

I'm gonna give you a mild tranquilizer to calm you down.

It'll make you relax.

Mrs. Brown, would you get me a glass of water please?

- Yes, Doctor.

- Now take it easy, Son, we're on your side.

- You're on my side?

- That's right.

- Well then do something about him.

- Now now.

(mysterious music)

(laughter)

- Be calm.

- I'm calm, I'm calm!

- Be calm, Son, that's it.

I'm only taking your pulse.

You're pretty excited.

- Oh no you don't, oh no you don't.

(laughter)

You're trying to take the pills, huh?

Well forget that nonsense.

- It's just to get your memory back.

- Yeah, well I'm cutting out.

All right, come on, come on.

- Take it easy.

Now you sit down here and be quiet, do you hear me?

- Oh, dear, he's become violent.

- Now take it easy, Tim.

We're all your friends.

- Well then who needs enemies?

(laughter)

- We're trying to help you.

- Shocking what a blow on the head will do.

It's a good thing you sent for me, Mrs. Brown.

- I already told you, I didn't call you.

Nobody called you.

- Mrs. Brown, you're a trifle overwrought yourself.

Better take one of those tranquilizers.

They're quite harmless.

- No, no.

(laughter)

(dramatic music)

(laughter)

- Spaceship X703 calling Red Planet.

X703 calling Red Planet.

Commencing landing cycle according to computer instructions

per Martian second.

- She swallowed A110273.

(laughter)

- X703, spaceship X703,

calling Red Planet, spaceship 703 entering flight path.

- What's she doing?

- I'd say she was making a pretty darn good

approach landing on Mars.

(laughter)

- Contagious hysteria, she's caught it from your nephew.

Well another tranquilizer will put her right.

- Don't touch those pills.

- Oh please, Mr. O'Hara, don't you lose control too.

These are perfectly innocuous tranquilizers.

In fact, right now, I could use one myself.

(dramatic music)

(laughter)

- There goes A110272.

- X703 entering flight path, touchdown imminent.

(laughter)

- Experiencing severe weightlessness.

Gravity almost completely gone.

- I'm getting outta here.

(laughter)

- Wait wait wait, Tim, I need you.

Tim, wait, I need you.

- No, now let go of me.

I've had enough of this Martian nonsense.

I'm gonna find someone who believes me.

- [Mrs. Brown] X703 calling Red Planet,

commencing landing cycle.

- Can you please let go?

(laughter)

All right, wise guy.

Where'd you go, what are you trying to pull now?

Ow!

(laughter)

Ooh.

Ooh.

(laughter)

Uncle Martin.

What's going on here?

- Remember the memory machine, the silicon wafers?

- Uh-huh.

- You cleared yourself, and I've just managed

to bring you back to normal.

Mrs. Brown and the doctor swallowed two of my pills,

and think they're in orbit around Mars.

- Well, then, we've gotta clear them.

- Precisely.

You aim the cone.

I'll maneuver them into range.

- Right.

- This is Ground Control, calling spaceship X703.

Come in X703.

- X703 requesting permission to land on Mars.

- Change of orders, X703.

Emergency pickup of stranded scientist.

Do you skindle me?

- I skindle you loud and clear.

- Mmm-hmm, set the route indicator at gamma.

Bearing 176.5, velocity 8,700 moglugs.

Hover.

- Hovering.

(laughter)

- Open escape hatch.

Dr. Nichols, follow subprogram 2W53.

And leave your asteroid, enter space vehicle.

Proceed on course.

Prepare to orbit.

Tim.

- Yeah, I skindle you.

Out, over.

- Forget the skindling, fire.

- Clearing mountain range.

- You missed her, get the doctor.

- I'll get him.

- Watch it, you're overheating the mechanism.

(mysterious music)

- What are you doing?

- I'm putting up a force field

so that Mrs. Brown and that doctor can't escape.

Oh, oh, don't panic, Martin.

Remember, you're a Martian.

Tim, I feel strange, just like,

just like I forgot something important.

- Uncle Martin, you got hit by the rays

of the brain-clearing machine.

- Brain-clearing machine?

- [Mrs. Brown] X703 requesting permission to land.

- Come in, Mars.

- Let's get outta here, Tim.

We showed up with a buncha Martians.

- Well you're a Martian yourself.

- What are you talking about?

I'm your uncle.

- Oh for heaven's sake.

Well, it's your turn.

- Ow.

(laughter)

- Now, who are you?

- Uncle Martin, the friendly Martian.

Thanks, Tim.

Watch out, watch out, it's gonna blow up, run.

(mysterious music)

(explosion)

(soft music)

- It blew up.

- Yeah, and if we're lucky, due to the explosion,

it sprayed them both with enough

rays that they'll be back to normal.

- Are you sure?

- That's the way it should work out logically.

Tim?

- Hmm?

- You go look.

- Me?

- Yeah.

(mysterious music)

- Uncle Martin?

- Hmm?

- Come here.

- What?

- Come here, come here.

- Oh thank you, Doctor.

You know, that tranquilizer calmed me right down.

(laughter)

- Yes, they are quite effective.

I feel better myself.

- Then, that takes care of everything.

- Not quite.

I've got to give Mrs. Brown back her memory of you.

We've got to rebuild my machine,

recover all the silicon wafers,

fix the hole in the floor

and give you back your recollections of Cynthia and Joanie.

We've got our work cut out for us.

- Yeah.

How'd we get into this mess?

- We decided to use a labor-saving device.

- Oh.

- Yep, it can happen to Martians as well as Earthlings.

(laughter)

Well, let's go and pick up the pieces.

Everybody seems to be back to normal, Doctor.

Thanks to your tranquilizers.

- Yes, they're an excellent remedy.

Well, goodbye.

- Goodbye.

What are you doing?

- Just taking another tranquilizer.

The doctor said they were harmless.

(laughter)

- This is awful, she'll go rocketing into outer space again.

How quick can you fix the machine?

- Tim, Tim.

- What?

- Look.

(soft music)

It really was a tranquilizer.

(laughter)

(upbeat theme music)