Original subtitles

[Maxxx] ♪ Hundreds and thousands All over your mouth ♪

♪ Don't you know you love me When I go down south? ♪

Naughty! What do you reckon, Tammy T?

Well, it was insipid, indefensibly stupid,

and lyrically appalling. I've had haemorrhoids

‐with more charm. ‐[laughs]

Well, now we know what the tone‐deaf think.

Let's ask the yute dem. Amit, what you saying?

Amit? [whistles] Amit?

Is agender and non‐binary synonymous?

Boring. Does no one here respect music?

‐Uh, me. You're gonna be huge. ‐Again.

Again, and again, and again, and again.

‐Sounds sweet, me girl. ‐I wanna melt you down

‐and bathe in you. ‐[Tamzin] What?

‐What? What? What? ‐Rose?

[Rose] Maxxx values my opinion.

No, he values hearing you repeat his opinion.

Okay, Amit and Rose, can you give us a moment, please?

All right, go on, guys. Get out.

[Rose] This party's dead anyway. Later, bitches.

Play "Rolling Dice" again.

Oh, God, you're obsessed with this song.

♪ You said the feeling Of being with me ♪

♪ Is like rolling dice ♪

‐♪ You're not‐‐ ♪ ‐Stop yodelling.

Stop what you're doing.

I've got some really serious news here.

Just sit down.

Good.

Gangnam Style's yacht

hasn't been heard from in two days.

‐He's gone missing. ‐What? Oh, my God he's...

‐Oh, my God, has he drowned? ‐...got the voice of an angel.

[Don] They don't know where he is.

He's supposed to perform tonight

at Kindness 4 Kidz live fundraiser.

I've just been on the blower with the show's producer asking

if Maxxx would step in as a filler.

‐[Tamzin] Gangnam Style? ‐Whoa.

Trust me, it wasn't the first call that she made.

She's desperate.

And I mean, really, like, bottom of the barrel.

There is no one else out there to ask desperate.

‐Right. We get it, we get it. ‐I am telling you, she was like,

"It's tumble weeds out there, it's a barren wasteland."

I mean, at one stage they were even considering

a Paris Hilton DJ set, and she said

most homosexual guys got AIDS.

Okay, we get it, okay? They wanted anyone else but me.

‐We fucking get it. ‐Yeah.

What is... [sniffs]

What?

You're okay with live TV, right?

[laughs] Yeah. Definitely.

‐What you want to do is... ‐Nah, that ain't it...

‐...the right chopping method. ‐...that ain't it.

That ain't it. Watch out, watch out. Watch out, Jamie,

it's like this‐‐ Oh, God! [screams] No, Jesus.!

‐Why did you do that? ‐I'm high. [sobs]

Are you kidding me? I'm really good at it.

So, let me just get this straight.

If he is dead. Or, you know, or hurt,

or just very delayed.

That means I get to go on TV, yeah?

‐You do. ‐Okay, wow.

I am‐‐ I think I'm suffering shock.

Like, I'm just having, like, a bit of a moment.

I think I'm gonna go meditate, just have a little

couple of moments of silence and just think about Gangnam

and what he's really offered to our great nation.

Poor Gangnam. [sighs]

Rose, Gangnam's dead! I'm back, baby!

[theme music playing]

♪ They'll love you When you're up ♪

♪ They'll fit you for a crown ♪

‐[people cheering] ‐[Maxxx] We made it, baby.

♪ But now you're giving up ♪

[Maxxx] They're coming with me.

♪ Are you a king or clown? A king or clown ♪

‐This city knows how to party. ‐♪ Are you a king or clown? ♪

Is this guy drunk? What's going on here?

♪ Are you a king or clown? ♪

♪ Are you a king or clown? ♪

[camera shutter clicking]

[Maxxx] Naughty!

[mariachi music playing]

[Maxxx] Oh, I'm back, baby.

[Tamzin] So, you have done Kindness 4 Kidz before, right?

I was the king of Kindness 4 Kidz.

Everybody love me, son.

‐[Don] There he is. ‐[Maxxx] Yo.

‐[Don] There he is. ‐[Maxxx] Yo, boom.

‐[Don] You go get 'em, killer. ‐[Tamzin] Hi, Don, hi.

I just‐‐ I was just wondering. Have you had any thoughts

about "Rolling Dice"? Because the acoustic version

‐really is the, uh‐‐ ‐Well, we're going

with that stupid sex song. It makes me laugh

‐every time I hear it. ‐[phone vibrating]

It's not supposed to be funny.

Well, that's what makes it funny. Hello?

What? No, no. You eat a bag of dicks, Grandma.

‐Uh‐oh, Gangnam Style. ‐Uh, sorry, what are you doing?

Uh, the man's dead, T. He don't need it.

[Tamzin] We don't know he's dead, Maxxx.

Come on. Come on. Oh, hello.

[speaking in foreign language]

Personal masseuse. What?

You know Drake's got one of them, yeah?

Ham. Bunch of ham.

Weird amount of ham, if you think about it.

Ice cream, champag‐ne.

♪ We got ourselves monogrammed dressing gown ♪

‐[Rose] Woo! ‐[Maxxx] Oh, zimm, zimmer,

rolls in the dimmer. Highest in the room, son.

Yes. Come on. This is what I'm talking about.

Ooh, yeah. We back, baby. Mm‐hmm.

We back. Oh, yeah.

Dad, do you think I could get someone on the guest list?

Yes, son, of course. Listen, anything is possible, bro.

Think about that.

Oh, my God, the bananas are pear shaped.

Okay. Listen, listen, listen. We need to take advantage

of this opportunity and exposure tonight.

Because regardless of whether Gangnam Style shows up or not‐‐

‐Sorry, are you all right? ‐No, I'm good.

‐I'm good. Come on. ‐Are you sure?

Anthony Robbins me. Do it.

Okay, 'cause this event is gonna get a lot of coverage.

‐Uh‐huh. ‐A lot of coverage.

So, we need to show people that we are back.

And that we mean serious business.

Show the world. Show Jourdan. We back, baby.

‐Just get dressed. ‐All right.

‐Get dressed. ‐[Amit] Dad, check this out.

It's nice, innit? It also hurts.

I really like it.

♪ But I know There will never be enough♪

♪ Maybe I'm a little bit selfish♪

[Maxxx] Tamzin! [claps]

‐Boom. ‐[Tamzin] Oh. Wow. [chuckles]

‐You look‐‐ You look snug. ‐Yep.

This used to show off my abs. Now I feel like

ten pounds of shit crammed into a five‐pound bag.

Maxxx, I need you for a mic fitting.

Yeah. I'm coming. [clears throat]

‐So, are you okay? ‐[Maxxx] Yeah,

I've just got some chest pains. Jesus.

[whistles] I'm cool. Cool as a cucumber.

Yeah. I'm not stressed

‐The Maxxx don't stress. ‐[chuckles] Okay.

It's just, you know, this show, there's just a lot riding on it.

[Tamzin] Mm.

I feel, if I get this right, I'll be back in the O2.

If I get it wrong, I'll be in Butlin's Holiday camp.

‐[chuckles] ‐Okay.

Maxxx doesn't feel the presh.

‐No. [chuckles] ‐[chuckles]

You got something on your top.

Oh, shit. It's my wheatgrass shot.

My hand and mouth coordination is not great

‐at the best of times. ‐You're making a mess of that.

‐Oh. ‐Let me do that.

Um, thank you.

[woman] Maxxx, I need to put your mic on for a sound check.

I'm coming!

[whispers] Sorry.

Yep. Got it.

‐Yeah, you did. [chuckles] ‐All done.

Yeah. [chuckles] Well done. Thank you.

So, all right. I'm gonna...

‐go do my sound check. ‐Yep.

‐Here we go. ‐Rose, it just doesn't make

‐any sense. I don't think I've‐‐ ‐[Roxx] Hello.

Oh, hey, Roxx. It's Amit, we met at that party.

You were sick and I stroked your hair.

Oh, whistle. Hey, cutie.

Where are you?

Oh, God, my team's in Peckham tonight.

We're just building this huge Wicca comehique.

Mad, you're building a comehique? What's comehique?

It's a steam room from Japanese folklore,

that, like, attacks the victim's anus.

Okay. Okay, I hear that.

You wanna come?

Ah, no. Right now, we're just

chilling in a Gangnam Style's dressing room.

We sipping on some juice. We living.

Let me give you a little tour round the place.

White trees, where do you find that? Nowhere.

We've even got ham. Ham. You know, when I'm hungry,

‐I'm gonna munch. ‐Uh...

[Amit] It is a bit of a one man show though.

‐You in? ‐Um, tempting,

but not really my vibe. Have a brill time though.

And if you fancy smoking cigarettes

in a dirty bath house in Peckham,

then you know where to find me.

‐Bye. ‐Why don't you just‐‐

[line disconnects]

Be yourself. Nice one, dumb dumb.

I thought that went really well.

[Hans] I cannot deal with those, fucking in‐ear monitors,

‐so low, can I? ‐[man] Sorry.

You know what? You are a fucking piece of shit.

Fuck you, baldy.

‐Tamzin? ‐Hi.

You're the new manager at Don Wild Entertainment, right?

Yeah, bitches be taking over.

‐Hmm? ‐Sorry, ladies.

Fucking SJW's are everywhere, you can't just say anything

without offending people these days.

White, middle class guys are the most oppressed minority

‐right now. ‐It must be tough for you.

So, uh, you're representing Maxxx?

Yes. Yes, he's my‐‐ He's my first client.

I thought he was dead.

[laughs] No, no, it's Lucky who died.

[Hans] Lucky for Lucky.

At least he won't have to watch a Maxxx comeback.

‐Am I right? ‐[laughs] Yeah.

Oh, my bad. Good for you.

Thank you. So, I should probably get going.

Look, Tamzin, my manager is a piece of shit.

Isn't your manager your dad?

Yeah, he's a piece of shit.

‐I'm kinda hot right now and‐‐ ‐So, so, so, so, so, Hans,

Hans, you were very good on that American talent show,

but I'm actually concentrating on building a list of artists.

So, I'm not really into novelty.

What the fuck you talking about? Maxxx is a novelty act.

‐Uh, well, actually‐‐ ‐[Hans clears throat]

He's a novelty act and a drug addict.

Well, he's actually working on some really cool

acoustic music. Which I actually think

‐you really might enjoy. ‐[Maxxx] Yo, Hans!

Oh, shit. Maxxx in the house.

[Maxxx] What's up, baby? What's up, Hans?

Man, you been working out? You look dope in that suit.

Oh, shit, I can hardly breathe in this shit,

I'm sweating like a paedo in a playground.

‐Nothing personal. ‐It's all good.

‐[music playing] ‐Look, oh, shit,

that's my cue. Tamzin, boom, boom.

‐[beatboxes] Yeah. ‐[Hans] You're killing it.

I love you, baby. I love you.

‐[Tamzin laughs] ‐Nice stand for the art.

You're a novelty manager, Tamzin.

Face it.

Yo, Dad, Maxxx is making a comeback. [chuckles]

‐[backup singers] ♪ Soft serve ♪ ‐[Maxxx] ♪ Girl, I said ♪

♪ Put the flake in ♪

‐[backup singers] ♪ Soft serve ♪ ‐[Maxxx] ♪ Put, put, put ♪

♪ Put, put the flake in... ♪

‐[backup singers] ♪ Soft serve ♪ ‐[Maxxx] ♪ Put it in, girl ♪

♪ Put the flake in real good ♪

Yeah, all right. Bass sounded a bit, uh, low.

What‐‐ What did you think? Did you‐‐ Did you like the song?

Oh, I heard it.

Yeah, I know you heard it, it was playing out the speakers.

‐But did you like it? ‐It's got lots of character.

Character? It's not your peg leg ugly cousin, right?

It's a hit fucking song.

Right. Okay, time's up.

Next up for a sound check, it's Polo Loco.

[mariachi music playing]

Hey, hey, hey. No, no, no. No, no, no. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.

This is a star on stage, you understand?

Back, back. That's right. That's right.

‐Just get the fuck back. ‐Should've got Peter Andre.

Listen, sis, sorry, uh...

you don't need to like it.

All right, I just wanna know what you think.

It‐‐ It was a delight in me sound lobes.

Huh. Now you're just being sarcastic.

I don't like that. Loco, what you reckon?

[Lucky laughing]

Wait, wait, wait, that was so shit, bruv.

[gasps] You‐‐ You're not real.

What have you come as, Big Bird? Maxxx come as Big Bird.

‐No, no ‐[Lucky] What are you wearing?

You're shit, bruv. You're never gonna make it,

Maxxx. I was the fucking talent.

‐What are you doing here? ‐[Lucky] This is talent.

Watch this, yeah.

‐[Maxxx groans] ‐[mariachi music playing]

You can't do this shit.

[laughs]

See you soon, Maxxx, 'cause you look sick.

Hey, you're not real.

You look fucking sick, Maxxx. [laughs]

What the fuck are you doing here?

Get the fuck off my stage.

He just won Espana's Got Talent. He's got talent.

Yeah, you know who's got fucking talent?

Dad, Dad, look, look.

What did you think? Did you think it was all right?

You're doing great, you're smashing it.

‐Thanks. ‐Don't worry about it.

Maybe you can change the song?

It does feel like a bit of a joke.

[man] Talent Coordinator to the Production Office.

For an update on Mr. Style.

Gangnam.

[Maxxx groans]

[whistles]

Dear God, it's me, Maxxx, obviously.

I'm a long time believer, first time prayer.

Please let Gangnam Style be dead.

Or just unable to perform,

because he's too severely disfigured.

I know this makes me a bad person,

but I just really fucking need this.

I need to show the world, I need to show Jourdan

that I'm still the man I was, so, if you are real,

if you are fucking real, show me a sign. Any sign.

‐Great news. ‐Gangnam's dead?

‐Gangnam. ‐Yes, yes.

‐Get in there, my son. ‐He's fine.

‐What? ‐He's fine.

‐He's fine? ‐Not a scratch on him,

they're calling it "Miracle of the Mediterranean".

Fuck you, God, the one fucking thing I ask.

‐That's fucking‐‐ ‐You're panicking.

‐[grunts] Huh? ‐Listen to me.

He's not hurt,

but he's not going to be here in time to perform.

‐Huh? ‐You're going on live, baby.

Prime time.

‐What? ‐You're gonna be famous.

Again.

[announcer] And welcome back to the annual

Kindness 4 Kidz fundraiser Live from London.

And any of our viewers are old enough

to remember the band Boy Town

are in for a very special surprise this evening.

♪ I was afraid That you would go away ♪

♪ That I kept my heart From you ♪

♪ And you from me ♪

Oh, sorry, just pretend I'm not here.

♪ Baby, trust I heard you ♪

♪ You said the feeling of ♪

‐♪ Being with me is like ♪ ‐♪ Being with me is like ♪

♪ Rolling dice ♪

♪ I'm not lying ♪

‐Come on, Tam, you're really... ‐Oh, stop it.

‐...not that good. ‐Oh.

But you got heart, dem.

[Tamzin] You know, um...

When I hear you playing like that,

I really believe that we could do this, you know.

We've got a chance to prove everybody,

that there's more to you than just nostalgia,

and dick swinging, and public mental breakdowns,

because when you play like that...

[guitar playing]

...it's real, it's authentic.

Hey, could you not, we're having a moment here.

Thank you.

Sorry, Senor Craig.

I'm not Craig David, bro. I'm‐‐

Okay, come on, Maxxx, can you focus?

‐That's why I voted for Brexit. ‐You need to focus.

'Cause both of our careers really need this.

So, just forget "Soft Serve".

Take your guitar, and go out there and be a star.

Look who's come round to Maxxx.

‐Tamalama ding dong. ‐[guitar playing]

[Don] Get it up, Limp Bizkit, let's go.

What‐‐ What are we? What‐‐ Why? What is that?

What the fuck is that?

Tamzin thinks I should maybe do the other song.

‐She does? ‐[Maxxx] Yeah.

What she say? That you should be authentic?

‐Right. ‐And soulful,

‐and sing from your heart. ‐That's what I'm talking about.

Right, because‐‐ Yeah, 'cause all the best rock stars‐‐

Killed themselves in the 90s.

Look, Maxxx, people have a choice.

To feel through music,

or numb through noise, and nowadays

they have made their choice on, Maxxx, the latter.

‐Right, but, but‐‐ ‐[mumbles]

People like pop.

Hot, light, sexy, greezy,

mind numbing, stupid pop. I mean,

what the fuck are we doing here?

The last few good years of your life.

Chasing authen‐fucking‐ticity, when you can have fame.

You want Jourdan back, huh? You wanna be famous?

I wanna‐‐ I want that. I want that, but‐‐

‐But what? ‐But‐‐

But what? But I was in the‐‐

‐But, but, but‐‐ ‐But, but, but.

You've got more buts than a pump factory.

You gotta tell me. Do you want to be famous?

‐I wanna be famous. I just‐‐ ‐I don't believe you though.

‐I wanna be... ‐You can yell...

‐...fucking famous, Don. ‐...all you want though.

‐I wanna fucking be famous. ‐I hear

‐something, sunshine. ‐Don't fuck with me.

‐You're gonna stop. ‐Don't‐‐

You're gonna stop tickling my corn hole. And you and I,

‐we're gonna get the‐‐ ‐Fuck you, bro.

I know how bad you want it.

‐How bad you want it? How bad... ‐I fucking want it, Don.

...do you motherfucking want it?

‐Yeah, I fucking want it. ‐Do you motherfucking want it?

‐Yeah, I fucking want it. ‐Do you motherfucking want it?

What are you fucking yelling at me?

Get the guitar‐‐

Yeah, I fucking want it. I fucking want it.

I fucking want it. I fucking want it.

Huh, is that enough for you?

[woman clears throat]

On in ten.

Yeah. Be right out.

You do want it.

Don't fuck it up.

[Hans] ♪ I'm perfect me And perfect for you ♪

♪ But girl I want... ♪

Oh, come on, Maxxx.

Let's send this basic Bieber back to school.

‐Where's your Dad? ‐I don't know.

Probably doing whatever you got planned for him.

If only. Where are you going?

To the comehique. In a bit.

Such a weird kid.

[man over PA] Maxxx to stage left.

Maxxx to stage left.

[crowd cheering]

‐[Maxxx] Oh, Tamzin. ‐Let's just get this over with.

Wow, thanks for the motivational speech.

I think after this show, you should find yourself

a new manager.

Yeah, I had this hope, and it was stupid,

and... [scoffs] ...I should have known better.

Whose guitar is that?

It's a Mexican guy's. He let me borrow it.

I just figured, you know, I keep on doing things,

'cause I'm afraid, you know.

Like, I look at you, and you are such a mess.

But you do things because you believe in them, right?

And you're sarcastic towards me, but you believe in me.

You believe in me and I just want to try

and live up to that, so I figured, you know,

I should, you know, just fucking roll the dice,

‐as it were. ‐Okay.

‐I believe in you, too. ‐Could you give us five seconds?

Okay. But don't be long.

[whispers] I don't know what's wrong with her.

She‐‐ She knows she's my cousin.

I don't know, it's weird for me.

‐Yeah, but‐‐ ‐It's weird for me.

‐[chuckles] It's fine. ‐On in five, Maxxx.

Oh. Thank you.

All right.

Game time.

[chuckles] Well, uh, good luck.

‐Oh, good luck to you. ‐No, no, no. You're the‐‐

‐You're the one going on. So... ‐Oh, I'm going on,

so that's probably good luck to me then.

‐Good luck to you. ‐All right.

‐All the luck. You'll‐‐ ‐Yeah. Okay.

‐Bye. ‐Oh, bye.

‐Yep. Good evening. ‐[stutters]

[chuckles] Bye.

I see he's got his little guitar with him.

[groans] That was creepy. Yes, um‐‐

‐Come. ‐The thing is, Don. I‐‐

I actually really believe in him, and I think‐‐

Tamzin, I have been in this game since...

before your daddy invited your mommy

into the backseat of his car to play a game of pocket

the Peperami. So, I know one thing

with absolute certainty. Maxxx is not an artist.

Now, I gave him this shot,

for one reason, one reason only.

People love watching him.

Now, do you know why people love watching him?

Same reason the M25 slows down to a crawl

twice a day.

People love a car crash.

Now, if you think he's a genius

being hampered by market failure,

then God bless, God speed,

you two are on your own, but if you work for me,

‐which you do. Right? ‐Yes.

Get him to play that sex song. I make a million quid.

You get your own stable.

What?

Your own stable.

Hire whoever the fuck you want.

Your call.

[applause]

No pressure.

[host] Thank you, now, coming up next,

we have a very special guest for you

at Kindness 4 Kidz this evening. In his

‐very first live performance... ‐Hey.

‐ ...in nearly a decade. ‐Let's go.

[host] You know him from Boy Town.

It's Maxxx. Give it up, come on.

[crowd cheering, applauding]

[Maxxx] Woo, yeah.

What's good?

Good to be back.

I hear a lot of hungry kids out there.

Well, it's feeding time.

Maxxx is back.

‐All right. ‐[whispers] Hi, hi. Sorry.

‐[Maxxx] Woo, yeah. ‐I'm‐‐ I'm Maxxx's manager.

We're gonna cut the acoustic

and go with "Soft Serve" please.

Really? Sick kids are in for a right old treat.

[Maxxx] I'm going try something a little different.

Something from my heart.

This one is for someone special.

Believe in love.

["Soft Serve" playing]

[cheering]

Yeah. Sounds good!

Woo.

[music fades away]

[pills rattling]

I'm fine.

[Lucky laughing]

‐See you soon. ‐♪ Push the button ♪

[laughing] You look sick.

♪ Do... ♪

♪ Dance ♪

[man] Ambulance. Is the patient breathing?

[Tamzin] I think we‐‐ We need an ambulance quick.

[man] Is the patient conscious?

[Tamzin] No, no. His‐‐ His lips have gone blue.

My God, I think his heart has stopped beating.

♪ They'll love you When you're up ♪

♪ They'll fit you for a crown ♪

♪ But now you're giving up ♪

♪ Are you a king or clown? A king or clown ♪

♪ Are you a king or clown? ♪

♪ Are you, are you a king or clown? ♪

♪ A king or clown ♪