All language subtitles for Joy of Sex (Martha Coolidge) - 1984 - Eng

[Leslie] "Today is the first day of school.

Mom says senior year's magic'cause that's theyear she met Dad.

I don't expect to meetthe man I'll marry or anything,

but it'd be nice to be sweptoff my feet

and consumed by passion."

[alarm blaring]

? Some girlsGet all the action ?

? They like to get aroundThey got a reputation ?

? I'm on the outside ?

? I hear the things they say ?

? I don't wanna talk about it ?

? I don't wanna hear about it ?

? I just wanna find outFor myself ?

? I want experience ?

? My own experience ?

? I want experience ?

? My own experience ?

? Most boysAre telling stories ?

? About the things they doThey want a reputation ?

? Another notchOn their belts tonight ?

? That's all they're living forIt's just a frustration ?

? I don't wanna talk about it ?

? I don't wanna hear about it ?

? I just wanna find outFor myself ?

? I want experience ?

? My own experience ?

[car horns honking]

[indistinct chatter]

-[girls squealing]-[car horn honking]

[Coach Hindenberg]Now don't be lateto your first class.

I won't.

Meet me here at three.

Hi!

[Leslie] Hey, Melanie!How you doin'?

[Melanie]I'm so nervous!

Listen, you gottaget your own wheels, man.

You're not gonna snag any guys

if your dad drives youto school every day.

That's all there is to it.

-[gasps]-[brakes squeal]

[Melanie] Shit!Shit, man!

-Asshole!-Drive much?

[crowd laughing and jeering]

[birds squawking]

[Melanie]This is our senior year, Les,

it's time to cultivatea new image.

I was just reading that preppiesare out and yuppies,

Young Urban Professionals,are in.

-Maybe we should go on the pill.-Mm-hmm.

[Leslie] That's Douglas!Douglas Duldorf.

[Melanie]Les, there's Max!

[Leslie]Oh, what a species!

[Max]Oh, is that Hindenberg?

Check it out...

Mel, you don't even have--I mean, did you rememberto take your vitamins?

Can you imagine havingto take the pill too?

[man] Here, don't forgetyour retainer.

Thanks.

Bye, Daddy, you don't haveto pick me up tonight.

You want some bubble gum?

Oh, yeah, thanks.

[school bell ringing]

She made an appointmentwith the gyno,

so I could get the pill.

At least your momtalks about it,

mine just left a bookabout the birds and the beeson my bed.

[girls laughing]

She must be new.

I already hate her guts.

[Leslie] Yeah, there issomething strangeabout that girl.

[girls laughing]

Girls! Girls, may I haveyour attention please?

-[girl] Wow, you got it now!-[all laughing]

-This is the male sex organ.-[all giggling]

Gee, I thought it wasa snow cone.

-Shut up!-[laughter continues]

Consider it the enemy!

[Max] Hey, man,it's not like you're unique.

Lotta guys our agehaven't been laid.

Look, I gave her a coupleof these and she raped me,right in the john, huh?

-That guy looks 14, Max.-He was probably hallucinating.

Everybody's gettin' it but me.

[Max] She's gotta be new.I couldn't have missed those.

[roaring] Alan!

[screaming]

So, did you get laidthis summer?

[boys laughing]

-Max! How do you fare, buddy?-Good, good.

Hey, Max, who's the shadow?

Oh, this is Farouk. He's stayingat my place this semester.

No shit! All right!

Gimme five, man!

[strong accent] All right,I give you five dollars.

No, no, no. "Give me five,"that's a greeting.

Yeah, you see,it's like this.

[chuckles] I get you now, Max.

Go on, give to me, five.

You, you give to me five.

[laughing]

Very funny to be herein the United States.

[military drum rolls]

Hi.

You catch the new principal?

[Alan] I heard he used to runa military school.

A jarhead.

Looks more like a potatoheadto me.

[Farouk laughs]

-Carp.-Hey, Max, how's it goin'?

-Good, Carp.-So, uh, you like America, huh?

Your run-of-the-millVD is curable.

Herpes comeswith a lifetime guarantee!

So just remember this.

You can eatall the apples you like,

but sooner or lateryou're gonna bite the worm!

Virginity has its advantages.

Not for me. This is my last yearas a celibate.

I haven't forgottenwhat it's like...

to be young and horny.

Just don't forget those aren'tsquirt guns you're packin',

and you're not shootin' blanks!

It only takes one shotto ruin your lives.

Not to mention the girl's.

If anyone ever did thatto one of my girls, I'd...

I'd have his balls for lunch.

-[rings bell]-Attention.

-[indistinct chatter]-[teacher] Attention, please!

Attention, the bell has rung.

[chatter subsides]

This semester we'll bestudying animal reproduction.

We will start with single cellorganisms and we will progressthrough the animal kingdom

focusing on the reproductivecycles of spirogyra, flatworms,

-squids, cats and man.-[Alan] Maybe an older woman.

I'm sure you'll all sharemy breathless excitement

as we strip away the mysteries

surrounding the biologicalprocess of reproduction.

May I tell you, class,that in your enjoymentof this class,

you will be limitedonly by your imagination.

-I sincerely believe...-Hi, I'm Liz...

-[teacher] ...that in orderto know biology...-Simpson.

-[teacher] ...one mustdo biology.-What class is that for?

[teacher] Let's embarkon this adventure.

Let us begin our firstlaboratory experiment.

Uh, it's just sort of somethingI picked up.

Looks like it might be good.

Stephanie Grahamand Mil Table, station one.

Jackie Freemanand John Bergdahl, station two.

Alan Holt and Leslie Hindenberg,station three.

[Alan] Ah, beg me for more,you brazen wench.

[teacher] Alan?

Alan Holt?

Yes, Alan Holt,you're at lab station three

with Leslie Hindenberg,thank you.

-Hi.-Hi.

I'm sure you're all sharemy awe at the way a single cell

can reproduce and reproduce,again and again.

-Like the Osmond family.-[Alan laughs]

Even the most innocuouslooking substances can be...

well, they can be teemingwith fertile microorganisms.

I will now come aroundto every couple

and give you your veryown bread molds.

[class groaning and laughing]

[girl] Hey, it's lunch time!

[boy] Got any peanut butter moldto go with this?

[indistinct chatter]

[boy] Uh, salami mold,some lettuce mold?

-[Carp choking]-[laughs]

[whispering]Look who's comin'.

Alan, will you lightmy Bunsen burner?

I don't think I canhandle it alone.

[mocking] "Alan, would youlight my Bunsen burner?"

-[class screaming]-[metal clattering]

-[teacher whimpers]-[body thudding]

Three times a dollar fiftyis four-fifty, right?

-Mm-hmm.-Think they'll stay out later?

Jenny, did you putthat in the washer?

It's my bra!She snitched my bra!

-It fits.-You wish.

Take it off, Jenny.

You'll get a training brawhen you're thirteen.

I'm the only one in PEwho still wears an undershirt.

I didn't get a bratill I was fourteen.

Nobody escorted meon my first babysitting job.

But your father droveby the house every hour.

Only to make sure no boyswere hiding in the bushes.

If Dixie-D cup doesn't move it,we're gonna be late! Jenny!!

You don't have to shout.

-[sports commentary on TV]-Whoa, there!

What about dinner?

I'm on a diet.

Sounds like anorexia to me.

Does your pitiful existencehave to revolve

around bugging me, twit-brain?

Mom! She called me a twit-brain.

[sighs] There are better wordsin the dictionary, Leslie.

What kind of peopleare these Stonemans?

Who cares? We're spendingthe evening with their infant.

I'll call you every hour or so,make sure everything's A-OK!

-[Leslie] Bye!-[Jenny] Bye!

[TV advertiser]...because you never know

if you'll take a blow.

It's so quietwhen the girls are gone.

[TV advertiser] You'll getthat 24-hour protectionand comfort...

[snack packaging crunching]

[rock music playing inside bar]

[Alan] So, then she asked meto light her Bunsen burner.

-Is that a good sign?-Sounds hot to me.

What, are you waitingfor a formal invitation?

Maybe bio's her bad subjector something.

My own brother,a sexual retard.

All I think aboutall day is sex.

That's a good sign.

I look at everybody and I think:"They know what it's like."

I've got this huge black holein my life, you know?

No.

Why aren't girls as hornyas I am? It's just not fair.

[Dinko] What can I say?

Sex is a stacked deckand women hold all the cards.

Better get used to it.

Dinko.

'Bout time I put this goddamnmachine out of its misery.

Bad attitude.

Good arm.

[Dinko]Feelin' better, Sunshine?

I wish I was dead.

[Ranada] Well, Doctor Ranada'sgot just your prescription.

Look, I just tossedmy cookies, okay?

I mean, enough is enough.Really!

She's a slow starter,but there's a tiger in her tank.

That guy wrote the bookon how to strike out.

Bet he's been laid though.

Your time will come,think positive.

Now, what aboutyour bio partner?

Leslie Hindenberg'smy bio partner.

Coach Kong's daughter?

Hope she's not builtlike her old man.

-Oh, no, she's a fox!-Well, so, hit on her.

You're right.I like your nose where it is.

These are supposed to bethe best years of my life.

[Melanie] Maybe if you wentblonde, or something.

We'd still be stuckwith the same geeky guys.

Wait a minute, Les,I see a ray of hope.

God, the man of my dreamsis alive and well on KBBZ.

God, what a turn on.

[reporter]...as he proved late last night

when he rolled his wheelchairout of the VA hospital

and onto the San Diegofreeway on-ramp.

He's a little too "Ken doll"for me.

I mean, there's no painor passion in his face.

He's too perfect.

Oh, I'm not above perfection.

Ted Vincent is my man.

You won't believe this,she's got a vibrator.

[vibrator buzzing]

[Melanie]Good work, Les, she's on a roll.

-What's it for?-Curling your hair.

[Melanie] I wonder if Ted'sinto electronics?

Earth to Les!

Listen, I gotta go.The Gestapo's gonna be calling,

-checking up on me.-OK, I'll catch you later.

Cancer?

[indistinct chatter]

It's no joke, Mel!

It looks exactly likea classic melanoma.

Have you forgottenyour cold last spring?

You swore it was TB.

It was a severe caseof strep, Mel.

And, besides,melanoma's different.

For starters,it's almost always fatal.

I haven't seenyou in a long time.

How's your mother?

-She's fine.-Good.

Now, let me check the, uh...the area of the mole.

I'm only checkingfor raised areas.

Doesn't look likean ordinary mole does it?

Don't be an alarmist, Leslie.

I'm only checkingfor coloration.

Oh...

Looks pretty darkand sinister, huh?

Now, now, Leslie,although you're fair-skinned

and proneto the ill-fated melanoma...

-this is only lentigo.-Huh?

Medical terminologyfor harmless spots.

Prone to melanoma?

Leslie, you're a very healthyyoung lady who worries too much.

You can get dressed now.

But if it would be reassuring,you could come back in a month

and I'll checkyour entire body. Bye.

[doctor] I told you not to buyplants at gas stations.

[woman crying]But she looked so healthy!

Maybe if I talk to her...

[doctor] Talking can't save hernow, Bernice.

[Bernice]But she's not dead yet!

[doctor]It's only a matter of time.

Granted, she's gota great pair of bulbs,

but she's going to witherand die before the new year.

[Bernice sobbing]

Are you all right, dear?

I guess not.

So, I says to Porter,if you ask me,

the foreign kid's not playin'with a full deck.

Never knows what team he's on.Says we all look alike.

Dad, did I ever tell youhow proud I am of you?

I mean, even though I complainabout how embarrassing it is

to be in the same school...everyone respects you so much.

I give it my best shot.

Leslie, your mother makes sureyou get the four basicfood groups,

and you're trashingthree of them.

Mom... [laughs]it's so beautiful that every day

you go to all this effort.

It's just that I've lostmy appetite.

That's very sweet, Leslie.

Also, very suspicious.

Jennifer, you and I havecertainly had our problems.

Would you feel betterif I gave you my newsilver bangles?

The ones I'm not allowedto breathe on?

Silver bangles aren't worthfighting over,

no matter how expensivethey are.

-I'll take them!-You're welcome.

I'll clear the table now.

Am I the only onewho finds this creepy?

[principal on PA]Your attention, please!

This administrationis not amused...

-[school bell ringing]-...by the attack on our veryown Venus in the quad.

[Max] You like this shit, huh?

Mm, I like this shit very much.

In America it's consideredthe highest of compliments

to say to your hostessafter a good meal:

"Thank you for the shit."

How you-- how you say that?

[speaking slowly]Thank you for the shit.

Thank you for the shit.

Hello, Farouk.

Some girls gofor the exotic type.

Yeah, Farouk, let us knowif she's a moaner or a screamer.

Hey, I had a screamer once.She shattered her own glasses.

Don't you talkabout anything but sex?

What else is there, Ed?

That's a tough one, Pittman.

Don't pull a muscleworking on it.

Just stopped by to warn youthat you're Chairman

of the Christmas Dance Committeethis year.

Tell me when you getthe committee put together.

Oh, feel free to resumeyour insightful discussion.

Mutant.

Yeah, another exampleof virgin brain rot.

Don't let that happen to you,okay?

How's it goin', Farouk?

Don't look now,but here comes the lady

that gives new meaningto the word hard-on.

Uh, this is your lucky day.I saved this seat just for you.

Sit on it, pal!Hello, Alan.

Hi.

Say, uh... aren't youin my bio class?

I hadn't noticed.

Why don't you sit down,take a seat?

I'm bad but I don't bite.

I do! I definitely bite!Come on, Alan.

Hey, Alan, who's the guywith the bow tie?

...we've got funds for holidays,Hawaiian luaus,Vancouver cruises.

Oh, everybody calls himMushroom Malone.

-Mm-hmm. Bet I can guess why.-[laughs]

[principal on PA] Any studentcaught with a substancecommonly known as Wacky Glue,

will be subjectto severe disciplinary action.

Score onefor the Wacky Glue Phantom.

[pop music playing in diner]

[Mushroom] I can make youa great deal, you'll love it.

I'm not kidding,it's great stuff!

You'll love it.

It's all so unreal.I feel like I oughtto do something.

There's nothinganybody can do now.

I'll just go on pretendingnothing's happened.

Cram a lifetimeinto three months.

There's so muchI wanna experience.

-You mean?-I always said I'd wait

for the love of my life,but I guess I'll haveto settle for...

[both] ...sex![laughing]

I gotta know if it's worthall the time we spendtalking about it.

Bad news, my researchsays the first time'snever the best.

Unless you go for someonereally experienced.

It might be sweet if it wasthe first time for both of us.

It might be the pits. I've heardit's harder than it looks.

Yeah, really? Two dozenShriners with rubbers?

Later, babe, I think I just sawa major league pair of yapo.

-[Pittman moans]-[Liz yells]

[Pittman grunts]

Let's go.

She's weird!

I hear they call you Mushroom.Got any?

Wanna speak up?They didn't hear you in Nevada.

I figured with a name like thatyou must be advertising.

Would you sit down? Only takesone narc to ruin your whole day.

Really?

Gnarly.

[Alan] Doesn't this everstrike you as absurd?

[Max] What?

All these adolescents,desperate for human contact.

[Max]You mean horny?

[Alan] Isolating themselvesin their own little prisonson wheels.

Like a thousand lonely littleworlds doing a mating relay

down the highway of life.

[Max]Hey, catch that, tits and drugs.

[Alan] Give me a break.

Max! I love you.

[boys laughing]

[Max]Pittman, you lunatic.

You know, you think too much,that's your problem.

You could use a problemlike that, Max.

[scoffs]

Leslie!

Fate is calling you, Les,and getting a busy signal.

Think Max, Leslie.

Oh, sometimes he getsthis look in his eyes.

I mean, this is a man who knowswhere to find your G-spot.

Oh, Mel, I couldn'tfind my G-spot.

I kissed him oncein the second grade.

Oh, he was hot even then.

[Max laughing]

He's not interestedin me, Mel.

Well you gotta be gutsy, Les.

Just call him upand ask him out.

All he can say is:"No way, Jos�."

Right, then I just dieof embarrassment.

Like, what have you got to lose?

-[man] Hey, Max.-How you doin'?

"Is it too much to askfor someone dark and mysterious,

who reads and would talk aboutlife all night by candle light?

I guess I'd better face reality,boys are so immature.

I'll get a diaphragm,settle for no-frills sex."

[dog barking]

Well, why don't you takethe floor, Farouk?

And I'll get the main dish.

Oh, she meansit's your turn to talk.

Oh, uh...

I... I like United States,very much.

Uh, the people, very,very funny to meet me.

It's okay, sit down, Farouk.

I have spent all day

preparing your favoritenative dish, Farouk.

Stuffed beef heart.

[crying]

I... You make me veryfunny to be here with you,

in America, my new familyin United States.

I want to say to you now,as my best friend, Max

teach me to say...thank you,

thank you very muchfor this shit!

[glass shatters]

[glass shatters]

[school bell ringing]

[Earl]They're all Wacky Glued, sir.

Damn terrorists.This means war, Earl.

No quarter given.

[Farouk chanting]

[rooster crowing]

[Coach Hindenberg] Salamahega...[sighs] ...roba.

Aw, hell, is Farduke here?

He's always late!

[Max] It's Farouk, Coach.And it's prayer time in Mecca.

[blows whistle]

Listen up!

It took a long time

to get fundingfor this new wrestling mat.

I want to see you treating itlike your mom's best carpet.

Carpenter!

[Pittman]Hey, don't hurt him, Carp.

[boy] Get him, Carp.

First time I did itwas on my mom's best carpet.

Left some rude rugburns on my knees.

A small price to pay.I'd do it on asphalt.

Oh, you like painwith your pleasure?

Hit on Hindenberg,she's the pleasureand he's the pain.

Leslie? I wouldn't kick her outof bed for eating crackers.

Holt!

Since you don't needto listen to this,

why don't you demonstratea take-down on Pittman?

[laughing] But Coach,he outweighs meby a hundred pounds.

-This is ridiculous!-[Pittman growling]

Easy, I don't wanna hurt you,Pittman.

[Pittman grunting]

Come on, you guys,this ain't no sock hop.

-Come on! Come on! Come on!-Want blood?

[Coach Hindenberg] Get the leadout, come on now!

-[Alan roaring]-[Pittman] Shit!

[Pittman] Oh, wow man,I'm sorry about your face.

Get him off the mat!Get some towels!

Stop that bleeding!

It's too late, Coach,I think he's dead.

No, you idiot, my mat!

[Alan groaning]

How about it, Max? Do I havethe stuff to be a blue flamer?

Well, you got the gas, Carp.

Uh, how 'bout a car?

Well, Dad saysI can have it back

as soon as I payfor the paint job.

So, cough up the bucks,and then we'll talk.

Okay.

Alan, do you think your brothercould get me a jobover at the Lorelei?

-Please?-I'll see what I can do.

I can hardly wait to seewhat happens when you meet...

the fascinating flatworm.

Like the sea squirt,it can reproduce asexually.

Sometimes, the tail decides notto follow the head and presto!

-[chalkboard screeching]-[all groaning]

The worm's torn in two.This is self-mutilation.

Each part then regeneratesa whole worm.

Reproduction hastaken place asexually.

[door opens]

[boy] Oh, here he is.

Eric March.

Eric March, this is your fourthtardy this week.

Please go to your lab stationimmediately.

Yeah, we be cutting some worms.

Violent effect, man,real New Wave.

[boys laughing]

Hey, yo, Hindenberg.Why don't you sit down

and take a loadoff your mind?

[fart sound]

-[Pittman cackling]-Damn it, Pittman!

Mr. Pittman!

Mr. Pittman, please.Please give me that... balloon.

[fart sounds]

[giggling]

You may now beginto mutilate your flatworms.

So, you're scopingout the new girl, eh?

Who?

The one with the X-rated bod.

[scoffs] No, I was talkin'to Sharon.

The guy's unconscious,she's all yours.

You snooze, you lose. Go.

So, what do youthink of Nixon?

So far, it's mayo on whiteall the way,

and I thought Clevelandwas straight.

Try eatin' your lunchon the football field someday.

If the wind's blowin' just righthalf the town gets stoned.

How 'bout you, buddy,do you puff up?

[Alan] No, that stuffkinda puts me to sleep.

Uh-huh, no puff-puff, huh?[sniffs]

You always look so spacey.

I guess I'm justnaturally hard-- high.

Well, that's okay too,I guess.

Excuse me, people get stoned

for doing somethingsuch as this?

It seems crueland unusual punishment.

No, Farouk, getting stonedis like smoking pot.

-Grass?-Yeah.

Oh.

My dad was talkingabout you last night.

He said you're pro material.

Yeah, I have a good arm.

He says you really stand out,a real team leader.

He said that?

[scoffs] He treats melike pond scum

'cause I won't go outfor football.

Oh, you've got it all wrong.

You remind him of himwhen he was younger.

He really likes you.

Could have fooled me.

So, I was thinking thatif you're not doing anything

Friday night,maybe we could go out.

Yeah, that sounds okay, exceptthat my Trans-Am's in the shop.

That's OK, I'll pick you upin my vulva-- Volvo.

In that case, you're on.

Her vulva! [chuckles]

So, how'd you make out with Liz?

-I think she's a loadie.-So?

Just can't get the hangof these worms.

There's less resistancewhen they're semi-conscious.

[TV announcer] We now returnto... Sands of Time.

[character on TV] Why, Matt.This is a surprise.Can I get you a drink?

Max? Max, I needto talk to you, honey.

I am very concernedabout Farouk.

-[Max sighs]-He's been slightlyunder the weather lately.

And... and I'm afraid he feelssomehow differentfrom the rest of you boys.

Face it, Mom,how many guys at Nixonpray during fourth period?

Well, as his AFS sponsor,I can't help feeling responsible

for the way he'll rememberthe United States.

These are impressionshe will carry with him for life.

Perhaps you should ask himto join your bridge club.

I want you to take himwith you tonight, Max.

I have a date tonight!

And I don't knowabout in Abu Dhabi,

but in the good old USA,only two people at a timego on a date.

Farouk hasn't had one singledate since he's been here, Max.

Well, I can't imagine why.He's had more offersin three weeks

than I've hadin three years.

Please. Reach out, Max.

[Max's mother]Oh, hello, you must be Leslie.

Hi, Mrs. Holt.

-Hi, Max.-Hi.

You mind if Farouk joins us?

In Abu Dhabi,women sit in ass of car.

Fascinating, Farouk.

[Farouk]Peaceful pastures.

Is this our destination?

Ah, yes, Peaceful Pastures.Max tell me all aboutthis place.

It's where people come,park the car

and make sneaky sex, no?

[chuckles]You might not believe this,

but I come here a lotto meditate about lifeand death.

Could we talkabout something else?

[Farouk humming]

Um, in Abu Dhabi,we have a game.

It's called, uh, how yousay... "Sit on the Bottle."

Farouk, isn't it prayer timein Abu Dhabi?

No, no, no, no,sun is down.

It's up in Abu Dhabi.

Oh, oh, okay,I get you now, Max.

I go pray.

I go pray the coachnot find out. [laughs]

I thought he'd nevertake the hint.

Let's not wasteany more time.

[Max grunts]

Uh, Leslie, uh, this might notbe the time to mention it but...

[chuckles] Um...

Your father said that he wouldcastrate anybodythat laid a hand on you.

Oh, you know he didn't mean it.

Oh. Well, um,me and the guys,

we weren't sure.

Max, we're all alone.

We may never passthis way again.

Let's not talk about Daddy.

[Farouk whistling]

[animal howling]

[body thudding]

[Farouk] Oh shit.

[Leslie] It's about timehe goes for my bra.

[Max breathing heavily]

Oh, my God,the hook's in the front.

He'll never figure this out.

Oh, God, now he thinksI do this for a living.

[Max moans]

[sighs]My hip bone is killing me.

OK, looks like he's gonnatake the plunge.

Brace yourself for rapture.

-[Leslie screams]-[Max] Oh, Leslie! Oh no!

Oh, no, no, no!

[Leslie screams]

[Leslie] I can't believe this,my dad is gonna kill me.

-[Max] No, he's gonna kill me!-[Farouk] Holy shit.

[Coach Hindenberg]Let's go! Let's go!Let's go! Let's go!

Come on, you'reslowin' down, Holt!

I told him. Leslie Hindenbergis lethal nookie.

What a way to go.

[Max thudding on floor]

Come on, Holt, up!Get on, move it, come on!

Cross over, come on, come on!

Even if I do get offrestriction before I die,

no guy will evercome near me again.

I think you're overreacting.

You didn't see my dad.We're talking Godzilla on PCP.

The Volvo is demo'd.

That's nothing comparedto what he did to Max!

Okay, write off the guysat Nixon.

Who else do you know?

There's alwaysRichard from Filmore.

You mean, Richard,Pittman's brother?

You guys broke uptwo years ago.

Only because I wouldn't lethim get past second base.

Ha. I thought it was becausehe had the personalityof a bobby-pin.

He wanted me desperately, Mel.

And he doesn't have my dadfor PE.

Isn't that Liz?

[Leslie] God, who'd ever thoughther dad's a cop?

[Melanie]No wonder she's so wild.

-[bell ringing]-[boy] Hi, girls!

You know what the estimate is?

Twelve hundred big ones.

But she's been so angelicthis past month.

Doing the disheswithout being asked.

She even offeredto polish my spoon collection.

A graveyard.

What in the hell were they doingin a goddamn graveyard?

They were teaching Faroukthe American way of death,like she said.

Now, what would the threeof them do?

I know what I'd doin a graveyard with you.

Oh, Lester.

Lester, she's been so,so good this past month.

I just, I just hate to...to ruin it.

You know?Take her off restriction.

Oh, Lester.

Oh, June...

You know when you do this to me,you always get your way.

"Young white male seeksbisexual white female twins

with taste for parmesan cheese."

-[Alan snorts]-Check it out.

Sometimes it's easierto do it with a stranger.

You're not suggestingI'm this desperate?

No. Just 'cause it'sDate Night USA

and you're spending itwith your brother hereat the Lorelei.

"Have uniform, will travel.

Experienced nurse seeksinexperienced malefor hands-on training.

Call Inga at 555-5756."

Gimme my zombie.

Eight hours in this hell hole

for five dollarsand sixty-three cents.

Cheer up, Sunshine,didn't Ranada saysomething about a raise?

Oh, that slimy cheesebag,he wants to talk it overin a room.

Man, he tries anything,I mace his face.

Look at it this way, at leastthe nurse would be enthusiastic.

-[dial tone]-[Alan clears throat]

[woman] Hello.

Hello, may I pleasespeak to Inga?

Jah, this is Inga Borg.

Uh, yeah, I'm callingabout your ad in the....

Jah, sure. What is your name?How old are you?

And, uh, do you haveany infectious diseases?

Uh, my name is Alan.

I'll be 18 in Juneand I don't have herpes.

Uh, tonight is available,can you get a room?

Not now, Gunnar.

Uh...

Just come to loungeat the Lorelei

and ask the bartenderfor the room number.

Goodbye.

So, how does one goabout getting a room?

Gimme a shooter.

You know, I spent an hourin the john in 319,

and it's still backed up!

I have had enoughof this roach motel for one day.

Three nineteen is yours.Get the master key from Carp.

Where's he now?

[metal clattering]

Does that answer your question?

I wonder what's keeping Inga.

I'll go see if the coastis clear, okay?

Good evening, Mr. Ranada.

Is everything under control,Carpenter?

It's all hunky-dory, sir.Except for the toilet.

I wouldn't go in thereif I were you!

-Carpenter!-Sir, I can explain everything.

I see you been talkin'to Sunshine.

I really dig the bubbly,nice touch, kid.

I aim to please, sir.

TV workin'?

Shit-sape, sir.I mean, ship-sate!

Whatever, Carpenter, whatever.

When you see Sunshine,tell her Mr. Goodbaris waitin' on her.

OK, pronto, sir.Have a swell evening, now.

[Ranada]Let it beat and let it bleed.

[groans] I don't believe it.

[Ranada]? I'm a sentimental kinda guy ?

? Kinda timidEven a little shy ?

-Oh, God.-[knock on door]

[door opens]

[Ranada] You're early,my little raisinette.

[Inga] Oh, no, I alwayscome on time.

[Alan] Jesus.

[Ranada] If only all womencould say the same.

You dressed upfor Doctor Ranada,

I like that.

[Inga] You sound older thanyou did on the phone.

[Ranada] Sunshine?

[Inga] Alan?

[Ranada] What the hell.

[Alan] Prick.

You want something else,Sunshine?

On the house, of course.

[laughs] Okay, hit me.

I have not had so much fun,

since Ranada broke his pinkyin the cash register.

Too bad it wasn't his schlong.

-[Inga] Jah!-[Ranada moaning]

[Inga] You respond wellto discipline.

[Ranada screams]

[Inga screaming]

Don't panic!

[Ranada] Do it more, you bitch.

-[gasping, screaming continue]-[Ranada] God.

[Inga continues screaming]No! No! Oh, jah!

[Carp panting]

-Are you all right?-[Inga screams]

[Ranada]God damn you, Carpenter.

[bell ringing]

[teacher] The male squidswims frantically searchingfor a female to mate with.

The story of my life.

Then the squid slips oneof his long, supple tentacles

deep inside his own mantle,

and withdraws severalgelatinous packages of sperm.

Commonly known as jerking off.

"He then thrusts his sperm deepinto the female's body cavity."

Mmm, how romantic.

What happened to foreplay?

The finale of this oceanic orgy.Yes, class, unfortunately,

all the squid expire.

Hey, Max, sounds likeyou and Hindenberg.

[teacher] Lights.

Mr. Pittman.

Simply breathtaking,gave me goose pimples.

Almost makes youwanna be a squid.

All right, class, let's getto our lab stations.

Hey, Liz, where's your retainer?

[Liz]Shut up, kid!

Max, Pittman saysthe Blue Flamers

are having their meetingat the drive-in this weekend.

So?

Well, I paid off the paint job.I can get my dad's car!

Well, we'll take thatinto consideration, Carp,

whenever we discuss membership.

All right, class,today you'll start dissecting

your very own squid.

After removing its mantle,be sure to determine its sex.

And class, please be verycareful with the gonads.

They're quite delicate.

You actually ate one of those?

Ah, squid.It's very good with ink.

I'll try anything, once.

Anything? I'll take you upon that this weekend.

You mean, like go outor somethin'?

Well, I was thinking about it.

There's something I'd liketo talk to you about, alone.

It may be important.It's very important.

It's more importantthan you think.

-Friday night okay?-Perfect.

[dial tone]

[woman] Hello?

Hello, may I please speakto Richard?

[woman]Just a minute, dear.

-[door opening]-[Jenny] Les?

[Leslie]Hello, Richard?

Hi, this is Leslie Hindenberg.

Yeah, long time no see.

The reason I'm calling is...

I got to thinkin' about how muchfun we used to have together.

And I thought maybe you'd liketo get together,

you know, for old times' sake.Like maybe this weekend?

Oh, I think we have lotsto talk about, you know?

-I've matured a lot, Richard.-[laughing]

Sure, I'll returnyour Van Halen records.

Okay, great. I'll see you then.

-Bye.-Talk about hard up!

Isn't he the onewith the personalityof a bobby-pin?

I've changed, Jennifer,I'm sure he has too.

Now, get out of here.Out, out, out!

[groans] Fine!

[man in film] Michael,the girls in the Flower brothelwon't disappoint you.

The car!

Is there something wrong?

Afraid so, Alan. I havesomething I have to tell you.

It's Mushroom Malone, isn't it?

No, it's worse than Mushroom.

[funeral music playing]

-Is something wrong?-Just... hold me, Richard.

Leslie, uh....

You used to love it when I...kissed your neck, remember?

And I rememberwhen you used to kiss my ears.

It drove me crazy.

[Richard] Ow!

When did you pierce your ears?

[Max] Hey, fastenyour seatbelts, Flamers!

I had Brussels sprouts,baked beans,

-and date bars for dinner.-[boys yelling]

[Pittman] I hadSwedish meatballs, lentil loaf,

marinated artichokes,bon-bons with prune whip!

[boys yelling]

Max, tell me now.What is this Blue Flamers?

I'm not who you think I am.There's a lot you don'tknow about me,

a great deal,very much.

Why pry?I know all I need to know.

No, you don't know.

-I do know.-You may not wanna know.

What could I possible knowthat would make me know you

better than I know you now?

Alan, I'm a narc.Police Officer.

When I finish my assignmentat Nixon,

Mushroom and 36 othersare gonna be busted on Monday,

and I'll be starting over againsomewhere else.

Another high school,another district, another town.

That's what it meansto be a narc.

You're the only one I'm gonnamiss when I'm gone, Alan.

Those pill heads and pot headsdeserve what they get.

A one-way ticket to the slammer.

Is anybody gonna knowthat it was me?

Not unless you tell 'em.

Oh, no chance in hell.I can keep a secret.

I knew I could trust you, Alan.

And I had to tell youbecause, well,

even though I'm 30and you're 17,

I'm really attractedto you, Alan.

Of course, having sexwith a minor

could get me off the forceand I have my careerto consider.

But honestly, Alan,I get all hot and weakwhen I'm kissing you.

Let's not talkabout wasted youth, Alan.

Kiss me again and I'll throwthis badge out the windowand live for the now.

Um, Liz, that is your name,isn't it?

It's Kathy. Reagan, no relation.

I think I just wanna go home.

[starts engine]

-[boy 1] Anybody got a light?-[boy 2] Light, light.

To the eternal blue flame.

[all reciting]To the eternal blue flame.

To the eternal blue flame.

[Max laughing]

[Pittman]Max, Max!

[indistinct chatter]

-[Max farts]-[Farouk screams]

-[woman] Elmer, let's go.-[man] I'm doin' it.

Wait, wait,I think I've got one.

[Pittman] Oh, shit!

[boy]It's probably a little poop!

[Pittman]Yeah a little poo, yeah!

[woman] Oh, my God.Look at that!

[man] Huh? Ah...

[woman] He's on fire!

-[screaming]-[woman] Jerks.

[man] You're sick!You guys are sick!

[Leslie] I really wannamake it up to you.

Leslie, you don'thave to do that.

But I want to, Richard.I want you.

I want... I wanna let you doeverything I wouldn'tlet you do before.

Everything!

Leslie! Leslie, I'm...

I'm involved with somebody else,right now.

I don't care if you marry her,Richard,

I just wanna have you once.

Leslie, I can't!

Yes, you can, Richard.

Remember how you usedto always want me to...

What are you doing?Leslie, he wouldn't understand!

He?

[man in film screaming]

-[farting]-[boys yelling]

[boy] Yeah, man, I feelmother lode settin' in.

I'm with you, I'm with you.

[all chattering indistinctly]

[loud farting]

[Max] Decent.

[sighs]

"What's wrong with me, anyway?I never break out.

I use a deodorant.

People say I havea cute personality.

But my sex appeal's enoughto turn my old boyfriendoff women.

I'm trying to be an easy lay.Doesn't that count anymore?"

-[boys yelling]-[man] Get in there!

[whistle blowing]

[Coach Hindenberg]Pittman, get your ass up here!

Don't take it personally, Les.

According to my mom,a lot of guys these days

can't get it up and get it in.

For years, my dad's beentelling me teenage boyswant just one thing.

I always thoughthe meant girls.

Hey, Sharon, Miss Bismarksays everyone suits up,

even if you are menstruating.

I hate that word.

My mom always says:"Is Aunt Tilly coming to visit?"

-[both giggle]-Mine just calls it "the curse."

[Miss Bismark] Girls.

[boys catcalling]

[boys fall silent]

[catcalling resumes]

[Coach Hindenberg]Wanna catch pneumonia?

Is it my imagination,or is Sharon Mondo pregnant?

You don't know that for sure.

Oh, yeah.Maybe it's just a tumor.

Not funny, Mel.

I wonder who the daddy is.

Moby Dick!

[Miss Bismark]Give it a rest, Pittman!

[whistle blowing]

[fart noises]

That does it, Pittman!We're gonna see Porterright now!

[Liz] OK, this is it! D-Day.

[man] All right, but listen now.I want you to rememberyour radio mic.

You got guys sittin' in a vanabout two blocks from here,

if you get in anykind of trouble.

Sharon, what's going on?

Oh, I'm leaving school.

Potatohead actedlike I was contagious.

I said: "Look buddy,there's no way you'regonna catch what I've got."

-[Leslie] You're kicked out?-[Sharon] He said school policy.

Can transfer to night school.I said: "What about my jobat the med center?"

-He said, take it like a man.-[police sirens wailing]

That's not fair,ruin your whole life!

Who's talking fair?We're in high school.

Correction,I was in high school.

-So, uh, who's the father?-Just a guy.

He said:"I can't deal with this."

I said:"That's cool with me."

Sharon, you don't have to tellme this if it's too personal,

but is it any goodthe first time?

It wasn't great, but we didit again and it got better.

Really? Wow.

Do you really want this baby?

Well, part of me says:"What a drag."

Another part says:"You're a big girl, Sharon,

you can handle this."And besides,

then I'll have someoneto talk to.

God.

I just wish the father wouldcall once in a while.

I'll probably never see himnow that I'm out of here.

-[whistle blowing]-You're not out of here yet!

[Sharon]What do you mean?

"I've been very selfish.

I've been thinking sex wasmore important than anything.

I want to leave my mark in thisworld and it must be more

than a wet spotin somebody's backseat."

[Max] Definitely the workof a genius. But is it art?

Smells like Wacky Glue to me.

[boy] Holy Jesus.

[crowd giggling]

Certainly, Sharon hasa constitutional rightto graduate,

but she can do thatat night school as I told her.

But, she's not a threatto anybody else's education.

High school is nota democracy, Leslie!

Think of it as the Marines.

Would the Russianstake us seriously

if we let the non-comscall the shots? Hell no!

First they'd...they'd laugh their heads off.

And then, they'd air-mailthe big one.

I don't wanna start a war,Mr. Porter.

I'd just like to see Sharongraduate with the rest of us.

[sighs] But you bend overto accommodate one individual,

and the next thing you know,you can't sit down for a month!

You know what's going onout there?

No, I don't know.

[crowd giggling]

OK.

[boy groans]

[urine streaming]

Tears of joy streamedfrom little Tammy Larson'sone eye, the other day,

when Santa Claus paidan early visitto her hospital bed.

Potatohead has no principles,just regulations.

Hold it, Les.

The love of my lifeis speaking to me.

The twinkle in Santa's eyewill be just a memory for Tammy.

So, there's a manwith principles.

You can see it in his eyes.

[reporter]...may save her sight.

The Larsons, however,have already exhausted...

Are you thinkin'what I'm thinkin'?

[chuckles]

[reporter] The lights will getdimmer and dimmerfor tiny Tammy

until the final blackout,unless-- unless you and I...

[Leslie] I knew you'dunderstand, Mr. Vincent.

It's a tragic storythat needs to be heard.

Me?

I'm a highly placed personat Nixon,

you can just thinkof me as Deep Throat.

Meet you in person?

At the Lorelei?All right.

Goodbye, Mr. Vincent.

Ted.

[laughing] Did you hear that?He said: "Just call me Ted!"

Oh, my God! I'm so happyfor you, I could kill you!

[both laughing]

Oh, God.What am I going to wear?

Think sophisticated, Les.

If he finds out "highly placed"means a senior at Nixon,

he'll never lay a hand on you.

You think I could pull it off?

Let him do that.

[Vincent]Leslie, I ache for that girl.

But these days,it takes a fucking quadriplegic

to wring those tear ductsin TV-land.

But even thoughshe's not a quad,

if you'd seen hercleaning out her locker,

cleaning out her dreams.It would break your heart.

Hey, relax, huh? Relax.

Let's not start a downer here.

Come on.

Just relax, surrenderto your shoulder blades, Leslie.

Today is the first dayof the rest of your life.

Yeah, really.

Esalen taught meto feel, Leslie.

Now, I suck up lifelike a new born baby.

When I make love,and I make love, Leslie,

I don't screw anymore,I go all the way to infinity.

I think you and Icould find infinity,

maybe three or fourtimes tonight.

Excuse me a minute,I have to use the bathroom.

Hey, I'll order champagnefor blast-off.

That would be wonderful.

[growls]

[pop music playing]

Hey, Mr. Dinko, we ain't runnin'a day care center here.

But boss, he's my kid--

It's okay! Maybe the Sheraton'sa better placefor the Christmas Ball.

[Ranada] Whoa, whoa!Why didn't you tell methis was a business call?

-Here, give the kid a drink.-Hey, 'bout time, Carp.

302 needs a bottleof champagne.

-[Carp] It's halfway there.-No, it's right here.

What kind of budgetyou workin' with?

Wow, Ted Vincent!

There you are, kid.

-Thanks, sir.-Hey!

-Thanks.-Sorry.

You know, Leslie...

people like that patheticbellboy think I have everything.

Nobody sees the heartachethat goes with beingso handsome and famous.

"Hold the diaphragm down,and press the opposite sides

of the rim togetherbetween the thumband third finger."

[sighs]Boy, this one's a mother.

[grunts]

Come on, Les, millionsof women do this every day.

[elastic springs]

I'll bet you do everythingwith a savage intensity.

I know I do.

What are you doingso intensely in there?

[water splashes]

Just have a checkin by the fifteenth.

And don't worry about the food,

our meatballs are the talkof the town.

Especially at poison control.

[chuckles] You found the wayto his heart, kid.

-Where's Carp?-I know where he is.

Follow me.

Oh, shit.

He's in here.

Jeez, I gotta fix this bastard.

Carp? Come out, come out,where ever you are.

I think he's in the back.

You can't really hearanything back there.

Carp?

Ah, at last.

I thought maybe you fell in.

Ambrosia?

Thank you.

Climb aboard the magic carpet.

Can we turn downthe lights?

I just want to make it...special, you know, romantic.

You're here, Leslie,that's makes you special.

And I'm a special guy.

I was hoping it would meanas much to you as it does to me.

[chuckles] It does,it means a lot to me.

I cancelleda bunny for you.

But let's not talkabout me.

[grunting]

Listen, don't beso uptight, kid.

You got nothin' to worry about.

I simply want you to relax,lay back and enjoy.

Just let old Robertatake complete charge here.

[Alan]Do I have a choice?

Now, the first thing we'regonna do is drop the drawers.

That's okay.

You gotta peel the bananabefore you can eat it.

You don't mess around,do you?

I take my men likeI take my liquor,

straight and hard.

Come on, come on.

Hey now,just wait a second here.

Nothing personal, precious,but I've seen the heartacheof herpes.

I can't, this is all wrong.I don't even know why I'm here.

I thought you wantedto help Sharon.

I do, but not like this.

[sighs] Now, look.You do for me and I do for you.

That's what good sexis all about.

Oh, please, don't.I really never thoughtit would come to this.

Baby, you haven't seenanything yet.

I'm gonna take you to Mars!

[Vincent groans]

I'm 17-years-old,Mr. Vincent,

and you can take it to Uranus!

You're 17?

And even if I never turn 18,

I'm gonna get Sharonback in school,

with or without your help!

Hey, now, look,there's no need to panic.

You know, I'm dying to dothat story on your friend.

Pregnant teenager, no future.Wow! What a hook!

Do you think I can getsome air in here?

Sheesh, you really knowhow to kill a mood, kid.

[panting]

Like I said, don't do muchfor the atmosphere.

That's okay, kid!

Whenever you're ready,you know where to find me.

[sighs]

You're just too much woman,Roberta.

You're just too hot to handle.

[Vincent sighs]

Hi, tiger. Listen, sweetie,I'm over here at the Lorelei

and I'm holdinga ticket to paradise.

Can you meet me in 45 minutes?

Ciao.

[warbles]

Yeah!

Alan, what are you doing here?

Uh, just lookin' for the Carp.

He's never aroundwhen you need him.

What are you doin' here?

Um, my Aunt Tilly'scoming to visit.

She's a cleanliness fanatic.I was checking the rooms.

Yeah, I guess so. Hey, you wantme to walk you to your car?

You never know who's gonnajump you in a place like this.

[teacher]Well, it seems that Mr. Bones iscaught up in the holiday spirit.

[class giggling]

Highly amusing.

[boy] Stuck on youwith Wacky Glue, Miss Post.

Leave him alone,he's blind.

So much for Mr. Bones' humerus.

[phone rings]

[class jeering and giggling]

[boy] The old man got himselfpretty dead, eh, Max?

[class laughing]

That might have beena critical call

and now we'll never know.

I've obtained a delightful filmon the reproductive systemof the horny toad.

Please be advised that thismaterial will be coveredin Friday's quiz.

[class laughing]

Now that we've all had our fun,perhaps someone other than I

might hoist the projectorinto place.

Please, Ed help me, now.

[applause]

[Pittman grunting]

Ready to rollwhen you are, Ms. Post.

Pay close attentionwhen the male mountsthe female's back.

At his touch she releasesthousands of eggs,

as they come tumbling out of herhe spews sperm all over them.

I think that you'll agreewith me that in some ways theircourtship is almost elegant.

[class jeering]

Oh, my... no, no, no, no!I know this isn't right.

I ordered A Tale of Two Toads.

I've seen this one beforeat my cousin's stag party.

You're an animal!

You, you people,you're all animals!

You're a disgrace to evolution!

[all cheering]

[Ms. post gasps]

[sobbing] Oh, Mr. Porter,I just can't take it anymore.

I just can't take it!I wanna go back to pre-school

where sex is a three-letter wordthat nobody understands!

Easy, Ms. Post!Get a grip on yourself!

Earl, you'd better check it out.

Yes, sir.

It was horrible!It was horrible!

I mean,I know it's a natural function,

birds do it, bees do it,everybody does it,

but it's all they think about!It's all I think about.

Come on!Snap out of it, Ms. Post!

Come on! Heads up!Heads up!

Shoulders back!Suck in that gut!

Yes, sir.

'Cause you've got to stopbehaving like a woman!

In this outfit,you are an officer!You got that?

Oh, yes, sir.

Well, pull it together!Take that hill.

Thank you, sir.I'll do my best, sir.

Yes.

-[Ms. Post sobbing]-[Porter groans]

Women!

[dog barking]

Our school system.

It's designed to make productivecitizens, of our youth.

Or is it?

Did I miss anything?

Shh, Ted Vincent's on, honey.

Sharon attends classesat the med center.

She is intelligent,she is ambitious,

she is also pregnant.And there's the rub.

It seems that the school systemwould rather see Sharonon the welfare role,

than attending classes at Nixon.

Does the school system carethat this destroys her dreams

of a career in health services?

But Sharon's classmates do.Meet the people responsible

-for bringing thisto our attention.-There she is.

Leslie Hindenbergand Melanie Taylor.

Miss Hindenberg,Community Close-upwould like to know

why, in this age of apathy,you cared enoughto get involved?

I saw a wrongand tried to right it.

We hate all injustice.

Weren't you worriedthat your actions

might label youas a little trouble maker?

It just didn't seem important.

I think what Miss Hindenbergis trying to say

is that she had the compassionto put her own future

on the line for her friend.

Not many of uswould be so unselfish.

Not many of us haveonly six weeks to live.

[splutters]

Leslie wants to useher final days

-to do something for mankind.-Melanie!

We'll be right back with moreon this inspirational story,

live and exclusivelyon Community Close-up.

[announcer] We'll be right backwith more news

after a word from our sponsor.

That's just the questionI was going to ask you!

[doctor] What's wrongwith your daughter?

How the hell should I know?You're the doctor!

It's a harmless mole,she's not going die.

She's not?

No, and I did not tell hershe was going to die.

-You didn't?-No, Leslie's fine. Goodnight.

Somebody's got someexplaining to do!

I knew it was too goodto be true.

But I overheard Dr. Fox say--

It's only a mole, damn it!

They're rarely fatal, honey.

Wait till everyoneat school finds out.

If you tell anyoneI'm gonna live, I'll kill you.

Hey, Hinden-- Leslie.Give me five, buddy.

Hey, you did good, you know.I'm real proud of you.

Thanks. I'm sure you'd'vedone the same thing.

Hell, no, I'd probably betoo busy tryin' to get laidor something.

Hey, Leslie, Leslie.I was just thinkin'

I'm really gonna missthat look on your face,

you know, when youget really pissed-off.

Thanks, Tim, but the doctorsays I might be in remission.

Miss Hindenberg?My deepest sympathy.

And may it ease your mindto know that Sharonwill be coming back.

That's great.

No prints, sir.

[boy] Nice fish.[laughing]

No, Max.

Mr. Holt!

Oh, you're a real comedian,aren't you, son?

I like to laugh,if that's what you mean.

All right, son.If that's the wayyou wanna play it.

You just remember that I'vegot you under surveillance.

Sooner or later, you're gonnastep into your own glue,

and it'll be my turn to laugh!

Ha, ha!

[girls giggling]

[girl] No lie, Allison,she never was gonna die.

That's what her littlesister told my little sister.

Hi, Candy.Thanks for the card.

Hold onto it. Someday youmight even die for real.

[giggles]

Some people will do anythingfor attention.

[bell ringing]

-Hi, Les.-Hi.

I can't believe what you did,telling everybodyyou were dying.

I mean, everybody wassaying: "What a geek."

I said:"There goes a true friend."

Well, well, well, if it isn'tthe girl who would not die.

[class giggling]

In Abu Dhabi, nobody die.You just come back ina different body.

Yeah, Hindenberg, next timecome back with a boob-job.

Now class, today we climaxour adventure with a lookat human reproduction.

Unlike the promiscuousalley cat,

humans may mate for love.

In the processof careful selection,

humans can increase the oddsof passing on desirable genes.

-[Pittman] Like big tits!-[klaxon blares]

[all groaning]

Thank you, Mr. Pittman.

For instance, can you do this?

You'll find that some of youcan touch the tip or your nose

with your tongue and some of yousimply cannot.

I can. Why don't you try,and then look aroundand graph the results.

Go ahead. Try it.

Hey, Leslie, glad to seeyou're still around

to pass your genesonto some little Hindenberger.

-[class laughing]-[klaxon blares]

Thank you, Mr. Pittman.

"It's all I can do to get outof bed and livethrough another day.

When they started laughing,part of me died.

All I can do is pretendI don't care,

and move to outer Mongoliawhen I graduate."

I can't standthe silent treatment.

Yell at me if you want,but say something.

Too late to kiss up now,rat face.

As far as I'm concerned,I'm now an only child.

Mom's really worried about you.

She and Dad are talkin'about shrinks.

Unnecessary.

Tomorrow night'sthe Christmas Ball.

Ask me if I care.

But Leslie, you weredoing a lot more living

when you thoughtyou were dying.

Now that you're living,you act like you're dead.

That's so heavy,I don't know if I can grasp it.

I thought high school's supposedto be the neatest timetime in a girl's life.

Whatever gave you that idea?

I can't believe what my motherhad the gall to servefor dinner last night.

Roast lamb's headmarinated in olive oil.

I almost puked.Farouk, he loved it.

What smut areyou reading now?

Whoa, we're talkin' seriousdesperation, here, Alan.

Can I see itwhen you're finished?I sure could use it.

Ha, ha, don't make me laugh.

No, no, really!Guess how many timesI've scored this year.

No thanks,it'll only depress me.

Zero. Nada. Zip.Zilch. Nil and void.

Farouk moved in andmy social life moved out.

I can't go anywhere alone, now.

Except for the john,and even that's not safe.

The guy doesn't knock.

I'm gonna die a virgin, Max.

I'm lookin' forward to fiftyyears plus of today's celibacy.

[band playing upbeat pop music]

? Last night I thoughtAbout you and me ?

? And about that shiny littleEngagement ring ?

? You never call meAnd it's making me cry ?

? You never call meAnd I wanna die ?

? But then this morningWhen I checked the mail ?

? Just one more adAbout the evening sale ?

? Just breaks my heart'Cause you did notSend a letter ?

? My friends are sayin':"Boy, better just forget her" ?

? 'Cause you never ?

Hey, Hindenberg, you're lookinga little pasty there aren't you?

Say, uh, you're not gonnacroak on us again, are you?

? You never call meOn the telephone ?

? You never call meAnd I'm so alone ?

? Maybe somedayI'll get you back again ?

? There ain't no tellin'When I might be a winner ?

? Maybe somedayI'll make you understand ?

? You can't ever liveWithout me ?

? No, I play guitarAnd I sing in a band ?

? There ain't no reasonWhy you shouldn't like me ?

? Last time I saw youYou were walkin' hand in hand ?

? With some other guyThat I'd never seen before ?

? And you never ?

? You never call me ?

? You never call meOn the telephone ?

? You never call meAnd I'm so alone ?

? I took you dancingOn your birthday in Harlem ?

? And I don't like dancingBut I knew you would ?

? You left me standingBy the disco... ?

They make 'em that bigin Abu Dhabi?

Breath test patrol, can youtouch your finger to your nose?

Cool it, Mel,you wanna get us busted?

Bribe me, I'm easy.

I feel so happy, Max.That give me good head.

Yeah, if only it could.

The only thing I need tomake this party just perfect,

is a beautiful womanto love me.

Yeah, I can relate.

They're not hard to findif you look, Max.

She may be just a step away,just waiting for youto ask her to dance.

? You never call me ?

? You never call meOn the telephone ?

? You never call me ?

? You never never never ?

Hi, Leslie. Lookin' good.

Want some punch?

[crowd cheering]

[band playing midtempo music]

[Leslie] Carp, you gotmeat sauce in it.

[laughing] I'm sorry.

OK, here we go.

[Leslie]That's good.

Okay.

-Carp?-Yeah.

How you doin'?

Oh, I'm doin' great.Have a good day.

-You wanna dance?-Sure.

Even trade, Carp.Two of these babies for a room.

Those? Um, red pillsgive me hives.

-Aren't you on probation?-That's the point, man!

I can't party in publicthese days.

Hey, Ms. Post!Are you havin' a good time?

Oh, yes, thank you very much,Mr. Holt, I am.

Mr. Holt, might I have someof that ethanol tucked underyour coat, there?

Yeah.

Cheers.

-[chokes]-[laughing]

You like it?

Very fine, carry on.

Melanie, I give you box of candyand then you go out with me.

Thanks anyway, but chocolatemakes me break out.

Oh, shit.

[Mushroom and Pittman howling]

It's 104!

Great genes!

These bells aregiving me a migraine.

Excuse me.

What's your name?

Dinko.

Mr. Dinko, would you liketo dance with me?

I love this woman.

Love is a four letter word.

-Guess who.-It sure ain't Santa Claus.

[pop music playingin hotel room]

[indistinct chatter]

No shit, I met some greatconnections in drug school.

You name it, I can get it.

No thanks,I never touch that stuff.

Hey, mellow out, Edstein!

Sit down and party.

Thanks, I like the viewfrom here.

Oh, you change your mind?

I mean, it changed the wayI looked at things,

like the meaning of life,death and sex.

You left out love.

I didn't think I had timefor that.

Yeah, me neither.I just wanted to get laid.

You mean, you haven't either?

When I was a girl,we learned Latin in school

and sex in the streets.

Now how are they gonnalearn Latin in the streets?

Well, I'll have to thinkabout that one, Mrs. Fish.

[both laugh]

Will you excuse me,just for a moment?

Just a moment.

[pants tearing]

-[Mrs. Fish screams]-Damn it!

Melanie, you need new clothes.

I buy you dress,you go out with me.

See, Max,Farouk's got the right idea.

All you have to do is ask.

Give her an offershe can't refuse.

Melanie, I buy you Mercedes,you go out with me.

Hey, come off it, Farouk,you cannot buy her a Mercedes.

Yes, I can, Max. I have,uh, four in Abu Dhabi.

And many, many travelers'checks.

Then, what are youdoin' ridin' around with me?

I like you, Max.

Besides, I have chauffeurin Abu Dhabi.

Gee, Farouk, I didn't know youwere into expensive German cars.

Okay, okay, God,but from now on,

I set my own shifts,at 4.50 an hour, plus tips.

You got it.

[woman screams]

Excuse me. Wrong room.

Damn that Carpenter, come on.I swore he said room 105 was....

[laughing]

Hey, buddy, know whereI can get some icein this roach motel?

Carpenter!

Give me that bucket.

Gimme the bucket!

Oh! Gimme the bucket,you break it, you pay for it!

[laughs] Hey Carp, do somethin',this guy's got a burrup his butt.

Gimme that bucket! [grunts]

Now, Carpenter...

[girls squealing]

Hey, now, what'sgoing on in here?

Hey, man, turn out the lights.

I'm gonna personally turn outthe lights on everyoneof you punks

if you don't get the hell out!

Mister, why so tense?

Out!

I'd still be in the closet,if Inga hadn't suggested

to try a new therapyin the shower.

When you're talk about it,it makes it seem less painful.

See this?We're laughin' about it.

I mean, in school you alwayslook so serious.

I didn't think you noticed.

I thought it took someonelike Liz to get your attention.

Now, if I looked like her...

I like the wayyou look better.

I think we got somecelebrating to do.

Okay, you're gonna pay for this.

I'm gonna call the cops!

Hey, Carp, man,I'm really sorry.I just wanted to get some ice.

[band playing upbeat pop music]

I know a good place to park.

I'll park anywherein a Mercedes.

I want to make some toastfor you, Max.

My best friend in United States.

-Thank you for your hostilities.-It was nothing.

Well, I owe Maxso many nothings.

I mean, until tonight,talking to girls was like...

relating to aliensfrom outer space.

You seem to clue inon what I'm sayingbefore I've even said it.

[boy]Hey, Alan, come on in, man!

Leslie, would you like to...

[police sirens wailing]

-[cop 1] Hey,what room was that?-[cop 2] 104.

[cop 1] Let's get up there.

You guys, it's the police!

Deja vu, man.Time to boogie.

[all yelling]

I don't believe this.

Here I am all alonewith a beautiful woman...

and I could be happyjust talkin' all night long.

We could just talk.

No!

-It's a bust!-[all screaming]

They've got us, Maxwell!

Oh, just one last kissbefore they lock us up.

Just one?

[Alan]Let me work on this door.

To ensure privacy.

What do you mean?

You're the phantom?

I don't reveal myselfto just anybody.

Neither do I.

[Leslie giggling]

[giggling]

[down tempo music playing]

? Here's to this momentIn my life ?

? When only my heartCan say what's right ?

? I hear a voice from somewhereDeep inside ?

? Here's to the personI'll become ?

? After the battle'sFinally won ?

? I can look back and sayI gave my all ?

? I knowMy dreams are coming true ?

? I'll be sharing them allWith you ?

? Forever ?

? Tonight ?

? We're reaching for the stars ?

? They'll be shiningWherever we are ?

? Forever ?

? I know the future'sLooking bright ?

? Though it won't happenOvernight ?

? It feels so goodI'm on my way ?

? Here's to a lifeWith no regrets ?

? I couldn't liveWith something less ?

? I wanna go onWith my head up high ?

? I knowMy dreams are coming true ?

? I'll be sharing them allWith you ?

? Forever ?

? TonightWe're reaching for the stars ?

? They'll be shiningWherever we are ?

? Forever ?

? I knowMy dreams are coming true ?

? I'll be sharing them all With you ?

? Forever ?

? TonightWe're reaching for the stars ?

? They'll be shiningWherever we are ?

Han was Here

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