All language subtitles for Head.Of.The.Class.S05E13_2

[theme music]

Are we descended from apes, hmm?

1925, Tennessee.

It was absolutely illegal
to teach the theory of evolution

in a public school.

And in Dayton, Tennessee

the famous Scopes Monkey Trial.

A local school teacher,
John Scopes

was found guilty and almost
went to jail because of it.

Got off on a very, very
small point to the law.

And isn't it ironic, that we,
the human race while admitting

that we're
intellectually superior

have difficulty
in living with the concept

that we may be descended
from a lower life form?

[buzzing]

You filthy little bugger.

Stay absolutely still, Eric.
Absolutely still.

Mr. MacGregor,
what are you doing?

We're just discussing
the theory of evolution

as relates
to the simple housefly.

Not quite so simple when
you look into it, incidentally.

Do you know the housefly
has a 100 eyes?

Beats its wings
a 150 times a second?

Has its own
jet propulsion system

and can reproduce itself
a million times

in its own lifetime.

A minor miracle
in his own right.

[buzzing]

Gotcha, you little..

Can't you use slides
like all the other teachers?

- Something wrong, Dr. Samuels?
- Yes.

The board of education
is sending someone

to observe
your teaching methods.

- I don't have any.
- Well, get some.

Do you know who they're sending?

Herbert Finneman.

Herbert Finneman!

You mean he is alive?

But I saw him die.

I killed him myself

with a number two pencil
to his heart

with my own bare hands.

Who is Herbert Finneman?

No idea.

I'll tell you who he is.

He's the toughest supervisor
on the board.

He's been gunning for me
for years.

Finneman just doesn't like
my creative, open-minded style.

And you're as much
a free spirit as I am.

So, you better can this stuff
and act normal for a few days.

Well, you heard the man.

For the next few days,
we're gonna have to act

like a normal, regular class.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Except with a monkey.

Arvid!

If that's your idea of a date

you're scraping the bottom
of the barrel.

I resent that.

I was talking to the monkey.

She's not a monkey,
she's an ape.

This is Maisy

from the pet shop
where I work.

Oh, isn't she cute?

You know,
I have a spiritual connection

with all members
of the animal kingdom.

I, on the other hand,
had banana bread for breakfast.

Well, you were teaching
Darwinism.

I thought bringing Maisy
would be a great way

to illustrate
his theory of evolution.

Oh, she's absolutely perfect.

But wouldn't the guy at the shop
mind that you brought her here?

Oh, no, Mr. Birch
doesn't care about her.

He-he doesn't realize
how smart she is.

I've been teaching her
for months

'how to communicate with man.'

A few more lessons
and she'll qualify

for the free weekend
in Bermuda.

Come on, Arvid,
I mean, everybody knows

monkeys can't talk.

Hey, of course not.

They can't vocalize
the way we can.

Huh. Neither can Milli Vanilli.

No, guys, look,
I made this.

Electronic...icon board.

Each key has a symbol
drawn on it.

Banana means food,
heart means love.

I also have keys for big,
little, hello, goodbye.

Come on, Maisy.

[Arvid chuckling]

Must like you, Billy.

Yeah, don't worry
about it, Arvid.

I'm used to women
clinging to me.

Not normally
with the feet though.

Oh, isn't she adorable?

(Arvid)
'What is your name?'

[beeps]

- 'Wow.'
- 'Hey.'

Big deal,
so she knows a few words.

That's just reward
response training.

Animals will do anything
to get food.

Yeah, but at least they don't
borrow your lunch money.

Well, I'll have you know
that Maisy

can make sentences
with these words.

Ah, which just goes to show you

that it isn't language
that separates us from animals.

They choose not to speak to us.

You know, I read that
there are chimpanzees

at Central Washington University

who learned sign language.

[indistinct muttering]

"Food."
Oh, very good, Maisy.

Oh, big deal.

Perfect.
Well, very good, Dennis.

'"Ape big."'

[laughing]
She's calling you a big ape.

Oh, funny, very funny.

Very funny, Maisy.

How would you like a once-over
with an apple lady?

Oh, does Maisy wanna look
in daddy's locker?

Looks like she does.

Look, Maisy, look in the mirror.

There's me and there's you.

Wait, there's me
and there's you.

Hey, Arvid, we're gonna be late
for the Star Trek convention.

- Are you coming or what?
- Oh. Sorry, Dennis. I can't.

I have to spend
some quality time with Maisy.

Well, excuse me,
Mr. Dances-with-chimps.

Dennis, you're not jealous
of Maisy, are you?

Jealous?
Why would I be jealous?

'Cause I can't scratch
myself in public?

You-you always scratch
yourself in public.

You don't wanna go
to the Star Trek convention

with the mean man,
now, do you, Maisy?

Oh, that's it.
I am outta here.

Mr. Finneman?
I've heard of him.

Oh, Billy,
you're gonna lose your job.

If you lose your job, I'll--

Do what?

Well, I'll, I'll be not quite
as happy as I would've been

were you not to have been,
you know, let go.

Oh-ho-ho-ho.
You passionate creature.

- Come to me, you fiery vixen.
- Oh, stop it.

Come to my arms,
you beautiful thing.

[exhales]

- Okay.
- Oh, you'll..

[shrieks]

- Billy! The monkey.
- What? What monkey?

The monkey you have
around your neck.

That's not a monkey.
That's an ape.

For a minute there,
I thought there was

a monkey loose about the place.

Can you imagine such a thing?

Relax, Bernadette, we're merely
using Maisy to teach Darwin.

That's all. There's nothing
serious about it.

Just a school-girl crush.
You know, that kind of thing.

I'm sorry, Billy.

I guess, uh, Maisy wanted to say

goodbye to you
before we headed back

to the pet shop.

Come on, girl. Come on.

Maybe she senses you're in heat.

Oh.

[instrumental music]

- Here we go.
- Ah, there.

- Come on, Maisy.
- Oh, Maisy, look...bananas.

- Very good.
- There you go, Maisy.

(Arvid)
'Into your little metal condo.'

Oh, look, Mr. Bunny Rabbit
is back from vacation.

It's a new Mr. Bunny.

The old one was eaten

by a Mr. Boa Constrictor.

Hmm.

Hey, what a nice place
you've got here, eh?

Oh, look.
What a brilliant parrot!

He's reading
"The New York Times."

Just filled in
the crossword puzzle out.

Y-you know, I hate putting
Maisy in this cage.

It's just that
I'm afraid that one day

Mr. Birch will sell her.

Of course he will, Arvid.

I mean, that's the whole purpose

of having these creatures

around here, isn't it?

I mean, it's hardly a zoo,
is it?

Well, it's different with Maisy.

(Billy)
'Yeah.
Oh, don't worry about her.'

You've probably got a few weeks

even months before he sells her

I should imagine, eh?

Yeah, but..

...sometimes it just
gets me down.

You okay, Arvid?

- I'm fine.
- Good.

Well, cheerio, Maisy.

Hey, you've been
a splendid pupil.

I've really enjoyed
your company.

Maybe we should meet
some other time

and pick lice off
each other, eh?

See you later, Arvid,
I have to go.

Goodbye, Billy.

Hey. Great news, Arvid.

Yeah, what?

Oh, I finally found a buyer
for Maisy.

You sold her?

No. No, uh, I'm giving her away.

Didn't you see the sign,
"Free monkeys here?"

[scoffs]
Of course, I sold her.

B-b-but you can't.
We-we have a relationship.

The, uh..
I mean, Maisy is very smart.

I am teaching her language.

Good, good. Tell her
to clean her cage and pack.

[instrumental music]

So, how do I look?

[all laughing]

Like you're dressed
for Benny Hill's funeral.

I'm trying to avoid a funeral.
My own.

Look, I have to look
sort of respectable

for this guy who's coming
from the board of education.

[chuckling]
Thank God, he's not here yet.

Yeah, well,
let's hope he's late.

'Cause maybe, Billy

that peachy keen style of yours

will have time
to make a comeback.

[all laughing]

[bell rings]

Okay, before the dreaded
Herbert Finneman arrives

let me put you in the picture.

I have to act like
normal here, okay?

So, here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna give you
loads of dates and stuff, right?

You copy them down
onto your notebooks. Okay?

Then I'm gonna give you
a little quiz thing.

At that time, you take the dates
from the notebooks

and transfer them
to little bits of paper.

I'll come around,
collect the bits of paper.

If the dates coincide
with the dates I gave you

in the first place,
I'll give you an A.

- How does that sound?
- Sounds good.

Billy, you gotta help me.
I'm in big trouble.

What's she doing here?

- I liberated her.
- What does that mean?

- I rescued her.
- From what?

Okay, I stole her.

Oh, Arvid!

[indistinct chatter]

I-I had to steal her.

She was gonna be a toy
for some six-year-old

who's gonna wonder
where to put the batteries.

That doesn't seem
right to me, Arvid.

I know, I-I tried
to deliver her last night.

But I-I just couldn't.

So I took her home,
but then Maisy got upset.

She was swinging
from the drapes.

Ate a bowl of wax fruit.

S-s-she turned on all the taps.

And-and had a food fight
with my father.

[sighs]
She's so sensitive.

Anyway, my parents wanted her
out of there, so..

Here we are, just two
crazy kids on the run.

Let's just hope
that Mr. Finneman

doesn't walk in here right now.

You know, Billy, I've been
working with her for so long

playing with her,
teaching her things..

...I feel like a father to her.

I feel a father's pride,
his joy.

And I want the very best
for her.

What do you want for her, Arvid?

Oh, what any father wants.
A good education.

She should be in an ape IHP.

I want her in one of those
animal intelligence programs

at a good university.

She's gonna be a big surprise
at panty raids.

Hey! Hey, here comes
Dr. Samuels.

Dr. Samuels..
Eric, quickly, your jacket.

Aristotle, your hat.

Viki, quick.
Take off your blouse.

- Nice try, Alex.
- Here you are, come on.

Just a reminder, everyone.
Mr. Finneman is coming.

And he has it in for me
personally.

So I want everybody to go along
with the program, okay?

- Okay.
- No monkey business.

[Maisy squeaking]

Cut it out, Blunden.

It worked. Oh, great.
Come on, Maisy.

Come on, baby. Let's go. Yes.

Oh, that's great, Billy. Thanks.

Yeah. You fooled Dr. Samuels.

But you still got to get her
out of here.

[gasps]
Oh, my God!

Oh, Bernadette.
Arvid just stole a monkey.

- Yeah. An ape.
- I know.

Your boss just called.
He's furious, Arvid.

He's on his way over
to pick it up.

And if he doesn't get it

he's going to call the police.

- Oh..
- She is cute.

Oh, mom must have finked.
How could she do that?

E-especially after Maisy ripped
the phone cord out of the wall.

I know, I-I'll head Mr. Birch
off at the parking lot

and try to talk
some sense into him.

Billy.. Here you go, Maisy.

Come on. Here we go, Maisy.

- Yeah, put--
- Oh. There we go.

You hide Maisy.

Arvid, I can't do that for you.

But for you, anythin'.

Is this room 19?

Billy, Billy. It's the dude
from the pet store.

Oh, yeah? Great.

Before you start carrying on
here about the monkey

let me show you somethin'.

Sit down.
I know what you are thinking.

You think this is some kind of
banana disposal unit?

Well, I've got something
to tell you, pal.

You're a bigot.

Yeah. Yes. You're anti-simian.
You think she has no feelings.

You think she has no soul.

Well, all of us here

who have worked with Maisy
agree she is highly intelligent.

And deserves to be treated
with the highest dignity.

- Right?
- That's right.

The only reason she is
in this class is because

we are discussing the Scopes
Monkey Trial, Tennessee, 1925.

Hey, that's not a bad idea.
Right enough.

Jasper, could you hook up
Arvid's icon board thing?

Hey, no problem, you just run
the eight-pin cord

from the output jack to the
parallel port on the computer--

What I mean is,
would you do it please?

- Oh..
- Please.

- Okay, sure.
- Good.

Great, I'll be
the incredibly brilliant

defense attorney
Clarence Darrow.

I'll be the prosecutor,
William Jennings Bryan.

Oh, Billy.
Who's gonna be the judge?

All rise
for the honorable T.J. Jones.

- This better be good.
- You're in contempt, buddy.

Hear ye. Hear ye.

The honorable
T.J. Jones presiding.

The case of
chimp versus chump

is now in session.

Yo, Clarence.
Talk to me, baby.

With your permission,
Your Honor

I'd like to call
my first witness.

Would you like to state your
full name to this court please?

[keys clicking]

- 'Hey.'
- 'Hey.'

I object. I object.

Punchin' a button
does not necessarily

constitute human intelligence.

Neither does passing
the bar exam.

Thank you, Your Honor.

You, sir.

Do you realize that the genes
of man and chimpanzees

are 98.9 percent identical?

Uh, no.
No, I, uh, didn't know that.

Oh. And you call yourself
a higher life form?

[laughing]

And you know,
behavioral scientists

say that they have
the intelligence level

of a two-year-old human.

Yeah, and there's
a gorilla in California

that's learned 800 words.

And I've read about a chimpanzee
who taught a baby sign language.

And they're even
capable of telling jokes.

One chimp pointed to a white
wall and signed the word black.

Okay, I can't tell jokes.

Trust me, it's funny
when the ape tells it.

Okay, let's see
if you can do as well.

Do you recognize this?

[scoffs]
Of course, it's an ap--

Ah-ah-ah-ah.
On the computer please.

Uh, well, ahem, I'm not
very good with, uh, computers.

(Billy)
'Oh.'

[beep]

It's amazing.
I mean, she's almost human.

Yeah. She does blur
the distinction somewhat, huh?

I rest my case.

Alright then,
ladies and gentlemen of the jury

have you reached a verdict?

- Yeah, we have.
- Yes, we have, Your Honor.

And we find the defendant
to be more intelligent

than most members
of the current administration.

Well, then the court
finds that the defendant

should not go back
to the pet shop. Mnm-mnm.

- I agree.
- Yeah.

[applauding]

E-e-excuse me.
H-has anyone seen Mr. Birch?

I-I can't find him anywhere.

He's right in front of you.
Your boss.

That's not him.

Perhaps this would be a
good time to introduce myself.

Herbert Finneman.
Board of Education.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Oh, how do you do?
I'm Charlie Moore.

Excuse me.
I'm looking for the IHP.

Oh, yes, sir.
We've been expecting you.

Let me just say that
Mr. MacGregor

is one of the finest teachers
I've ever known.

I mean, known
in a professional sense.

I don't mean, you know..
Never mind. Uh..

He's a really good teacher
and I would..

Well, we here at Fillmore
would really appreciate it

if you would just give him
the benefit of the doubt.

Sure, honey.
Whatever blows your skirt up.

I thought it was
a, a very interesting way

of illustrating Darwinism.

You know, a, a friend of mine
at Harvard

works with behavioral sciences.

I bet they'd just
love to work with Maisy.

So, you don't mind
the unorthodox methods then?

Ah, what the hey!
I'm a little zany myself.

- Eh, one thing though.
- Yeah?

- Lose the suit.
- Oh..

So, is everything going along
alright in here? Hmm.

Mr. MacGregor,
there's a monkey in your class.

Why in the world
is there a monkey in here?

That's not your monkey, is it?

No, and it's an ape.

Oh..

Well, Mr. Finneman, uh,
I can assure you, sir

this is not the kind of thing
that normally goes on in IHP.

- Hmm, it is a little bizarre.
- And I apologize for that.

No, wait a minute.

Okay. Maybe it is
a little bizarre.

But you can't blame
Mr. MacGregor.

'It so happens
he's got an ape in here'

because he's teaching them
the history of a..

I don't know what he's teaching.

But whatever he's done,
I stand by him.

I like him. The kids like him.
The monkey likes him.

And if you guys down
on the board don't like it

well, you can answer to me.

[all cheering]

Harold..

...I like him too.

Well, good.

You owe me one.

[instrumental music]

Uh.. Oh, Billy, there's someone
I'd like you to meet.

- Uh, Mr. Birch.
- That's not Mr. Birch.

That's Mr. Finneman.

But I've just mistaken
Mr. Finneman for Mr. Birch.

- Who was he?
- He was Mr. Finneman of course.

- This is Mr. Finneman.
- No. This is Mr. Birch.

That Mr. Finneman
is Mr. Finneman.

This Mr. Finneman is Mr. Birch.

Mr. Finneman is not Mr. Birch.

- Hi, I'm Mr. Birch.
- How do you do?

You're Mr. Birch?

- Where's Mr. Finneman?
- I don't know.

Look, you got a kid here
named Arvid Engen?

He got a monkey
that belongs to me.

You must be Mr. Birch.
I'll go get him.

Hey, listen. Take it easy
on Arvid, will you?

I mean, he really cares
about the animal.

What, you think I don't care?

You know, I feed that thing
premium monkey chow.

Cost me a bundle.

Well, it's about time.

Sorry, Mr. Birch.

Well, Maisy,
I guess this is it.

I'm sorry, I tried.

I, I..

[whimpering]

Hey, like that I guess..

...sometimes humans can't
communicate either.

Arvid. Arvid.

Everybody in the IHP
got together.

And we decided that if Maisy
is for sale, we wanna buy her.

So I took up a collection.
And I got...47 bucks.

- Great.
- Hey-hey-hey.

- Make that 57.
- Great.

Great. You just bought
yourself a lizard.

- 'Huh?'
- What?

Do you know how much
those people are gonna

pay me for this chimp?

- No.
- Twenty-five grand.

We're gonna miss you, kid.

Hey! Eh-eh-eh. That-that-that..

- Hey, uh.. Th--
- Oh..

Thank you very much.

So, so they were gonna
give you a pittance?

A $25,000 for her?

- That's nothin'.
- It is?

Yes, this is a highly
intelligent, beautifully trained

creature you got here.

I know many universities who'd
pay much, much more for her.

- More, huh?
- Yeah.

We've even had interest
from Harvard.

- You know.
- Harvard?

That's what we've been trying
to tell you, Mr. Birch.

Maisy is an exceptional animal.

She'd be very valuable
to science.

Yeah, she sure would.

She could help
prove the connection

between the ape world and you.

Harvard, huh?

Yep, actually about the first
one of your chimps ever

to go to
an Ivy League school, huh?

Yeah. My own kid flunked
out of junior college.

- Oh.
- Okay, Arvid.

Just for you, I'm gonna hold off
for a while on my customers.

I'll tell 'em, uh.. Ha-ha.

I'll tell 'em the boa
constrictor ate the monkey.

Oh, Mr. Birch.

You're a fine man.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.

Yeah, well,
it's a business. But, uh..

- It's a business with a heart.
- Oh, Mr. Birch.

Deep down, I knew you love
those hairy little buggers.

And they love you, eh?

- Uh.. Mwah.
- There you go, Maisy.

Oh, God.
I'm gonna miss her, you know.

Where am I gonna find a creature
who'll love me as much?

Where, oh, where?

Oh, Billy..

I know just how you feel.. Oh!

[instrumental music]

[theme music]