All language subtitles for Head.Of.The.Class.S05E09_2

[theme music]

I'm cycling home from work
the other day

minding my own business,
two men with guns jump on me.

We phone the police,
two men with guns arrive.

They take me home. I switch
on the TV trying to relax

and there's a cartoon coyote
running about with a huge gun

trying to shoot a wee bird
in the desert.

So I change the station.

And there's that lovely
wee actress Angela Lansbury.

Up jumps Annette Funicello
with a gun.

I heard about
what happened yesterday.

- Are you okay, huh?
- Oh, I'm okay.

Oh, very nice.

Oh, I should be mugged
more often.

[grunts]

- Hey, Arvid.
- Zach?

You got my dollar?

[scoffs]
Just a second.

You expect me
to give you a dollar?

- That's right.
- Okay.

Yeah, I'm doing a report
on the proliferation

of handguns in America.

This would make
a great visual aid.

Yeah, it really would.

Nobody is ever gonna
call you a nerd again

with that baby, huh?

How did you know
they called me nerd?

No, Zach, don't take..

- Oh, my God.
- It is not what you think.

I'm not, I'm not, I'm not gonna
mess with you anymore.

- I promise.
- Now scram.

Unless you're feelin' lucky.

Are ya, punk?

Billy, you know you have
a right to be afraid.

I realize that.

Amendment 2A to the Constitution

that people have a right
to be afraid

of the people who have the right
to keep and bear arms.

Oh, my God, the gun!

[panting]

[instrumental music]

[bell rings]

- Looking for something, Arvid?
- Oh.

Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Mr. Engen.

Oh, Zach, uh, did-did you, um..

Did I what?

You know, break into my locker
and take, uh..

...that thing?

A thing? What, you mean,
you mean like a gun?

Zach, you gotta give it
back to me.

Oh, I do? Uh-huh.
And what are you gonna do, huh?

You're gonna take it
away from me?

Go ahead, Arvid.
Take it from me.

What's the matter, huh?

Not feelin' lucky today, punk?

Okay, let's get to class, boys.

You tell anybody and I'm gonna
give it to you, alright?

Bam.

Move it.

Arvid, classroom?

Restroom.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, Arvid. We're playing
the ultimate prank on Dennis.

- Yeah.
- Oh, great. Sounds hilarious.

I can't wait.

So you guys are gonna actually
try and outfox the master, huh?

Some weenies never learn.

Just you wait, Dennis.

We're gonna hoist you
by your own petard.

- Yes.
- Mm-hmm.

But first, we're gonna kick you
in the old petard.

[laughing]

Oh, I'm shaking, I'm shaking.

- Good morning, geniuses.
- Oh, hi, Billy.

Your gun reports
are due in today.

So go ahead. Make my day.

Arvid, would you like to start?

Um, no, I'd, I'd rather not.

But you told me
you had a killer report.

- Yeah.
- No, I didn't.

I, I mean, I mean,
I guess I did.

But I-I-I didn't mean killer
in the sense of having

an actual, you know,
bang-bang killer type of, uh..

My dog ate it.

Okay. Anybody else?

Uh, excuse me, Billy.

Uh, Dennis, your mother
left this for you.

Oh, mom left this for me, huh?

Nice try, guys.
This was a very good effort.

Let's see if I can guess
what's in the bag.

Could it be a mouse trap?

Or, or maybe it's a bag
full of icky bugs, huh?

Good try.

[clamoring]

Actually it was your lunch,
Dennis.

[instrumental music]

In fact the number of Americans
killed by British soldiers

in the Revolutionary War
is not as high

as the number of Americans
killed by Americans with guns

just last year.

That's incredible.

That means
there must be a death by gun

in this country every day.

Every day? Last year
there was one every 15 minutes.

Every 15 minutes?
I don't believe it.

It's true.
Over 30,000 people die by guns.

And of those,
almost 12,000 were murders.

Billy, compare that
to Great Britain

where only seven people
were murdered

in one year by handguns.

Or 19 people in Sweden.

- Or eight people in Canada.
- So what about New York?

Anybody get any stuff
on New York?

Yeah,
here in New York City alone

there were 1300 murders by guns
in one year.

Good Lord.
Do you know what that means?

Yes, 5.2 per day.

The streets are not safe
to walk on.

Right. So if criminals have
guns, we should have guns.

Oh, brilliant, Alan. More guns.

Now wait a minute.
I'm not so sure Alan's wrong.

With all the guns out there,
we gotta defend ourselves.

What other option is there?

It doesn't make you
any more safe.

You know who most gun owners
wind up killing?

- Muggers?
- No, themselves. Suicides.

It's the most common form
of death by a firearm.

Hey, listen, if somebody's
gonna try to push me around

I wanna be able to push back.

And if they've got guns,
why shouldn't I have a gun?

Because you are 43 times
more likely to kill yourself

a family member or a friend
than you are to kill a criminal.

That's only statistics.
We're talking about real life.

I'll give you a statistic
that's real life.

Arvid, you don't know
anything about guns.

- 'Yeah, Arvid.'
- What do you know?

Maybe more than you think.

Oh, yeah, Robo-Nerd.

What could you possibly
know about guns?

- 'Uh-huh.'
- I bought one.

- Get out of here.
- What, Arvid?

Arvid, you bought a gun? Why?

For this report, I bought
a Saturday night special

illegally for 20 bucks
from some guy.

I wanted to show
how any idiot could get one.

Well, you certainly
succeeded there.

You realize, of course,
you can't bring a gun to school?

Oh, no, I-I had a gun.
I don't have one.

It-it was stolen
from my locker.

- What?
- Oh, no.

Stolen? Somebody stole your gun?

So someone's wandering around
the school with a gun?

And there it is.

There's the prank, right?

Now let me see if I can guess.

Later, some kid's gonna come up
to me with a little squirt gun

and I'm supposed to get
real scared, right? Pathetic.

- Dennis, it's true.
- Oh, okay.

Well, we better call the police.

- 'Yeah.'
- 'We should call the police.'

No, if you call the cops,
Arvid's gonna go to jail.

Yeah, Arvid,
you committed a felony

when you bought that gun.

Oh, I don't wanna go to prison.
I want to go to Caltech.

Sometimes, you have to go
with your second choice, Arvid.

[bell rings]

This is all very convincing,
guys, but I'm not buying it.

- Oh, Dennis.
- Dennis.

[indistinct chatter]

Have you any idea
who stole the gun, Arvid?

- Yeah.
- Arvid?

- Zach Butler.
- Zach? Oh.

Zach Butler? Isn't that the guy
that was bullying you around?

(Eric)
And now you gave him a gun?

Good work, Arv.

I must've been out of my mind.

It's just that
when I held that gun

and I saw how frightened he was,
I-I felt so powerful.

I mean, for the first time
in my life.

And now I'm just afraid.

I-I guess
that's the thing about guns.

They make weak people
feel strong.

How profound, Arvid.

Well, at least
you're beginning to think.

We'll give you an A
on your report for that, huh?

Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to have to try

and keep you out of jail
and stop someone

having their brains blown out
with your gun.

I don't know. That's
a very serious accusation.

What makes you think
Zach Butler has a gun?

- Somebody told me.
- Look, I know this kid.

He ditches classes occasionally,
bullies the younger kids around

he's no model student,
but certainly not the kind

that'd bring a gun to school.

Is this a chance
you're willing to take?

Okay, okay.
Miss Meara, check his schedule.

See where Zach is
and alert security.

I'll get the combination
to his locker.

Great.

He's at math next period.
Room 210.

- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.

- Hey, Engen.
- Oh, Zach.

- Still owe me money.
- Yeah.

What's it up to now, huh?
Ten bucks?

No, no, no, let's make it 20.

Oh, uh, uh, Dennis.

Quick, I need some money.
Uh, $20.

Oh, what, what? This is part
of the prank, right?

No, no, no, no. Zach Butler.

[whispers]
The guy who stole my gun.

The guy who stole your gun?

Oh, I'm so scared.

- Dennis!
- Get out of here, Blunden.

Hey, Arvid, look, I'm gonna
get shot by Bart Simpson.

[laughs]

I'm warning you.

Hey, Zach, I-I mean, Bart,
could you do me a favor?

If you're gonna kill me,
would you, please kill me

before gym class?
I could use the excuse.

Nice try, girls.

You knocked.
You told him I have the gun.

I'm sorry, I had to.

'I'll-I'll give you
the $20 tomorrow.'

Oh, shut up.

Come on outside. You and I
have some things to discuss

in private.

[instrumental music]

Oh.

You really like
to live dangerously

don't you, Engen, huh?

- It wasn't me. I--
- Huh?

Listen, uh, I'm supposed
to be in physics class.

You know, someone might
come out here any second.

What's the matter, Engen, huh?

- You afraid of something?
- No.

- Huh?
- No.

Sure? Sure you're not
afraid of this?

How does it feel, Engen?

Uh, uh, I'm-I'm not afraid.

I, I know it's not loaded.

Uh, uh, you don't think
I'd be stupid enough to buy

bullets for that thing, do you?

Yeah? I'm stupid enough
for both of us.

You wanna see, Engen, huh?

Oh, my God.

Zach, don't do this.

You'll wind up in prison.

A-at the very least, you'll,
you'll be wracked with guilt.

Uh, yeah, you know what that
means? Uh, years of therapy.

It-it-it's a no-win situation.

Shut up, Engen.

D-did I mention the hereafter?

You know, y-y-you think
New York is hot in the summer.

I..

A-and besides..

Who else did you tell?

Nobody.

You sure?

Dennis was the only one
and, and he didn't really

believe me anyway, now did he?

You wouldn't lie to me,
would you?

And destroy our friendship?

You've got to be kidding.

Okay.

Hey, chill, Engen.
I'm only goofing on ya.

- Thanks for the gun, man.
- What's going on here?

- Alright. Stay away from me.
- Stay away from him.

- Sure, let's go, he--
- No! Don't move!

- Don't move.
- I'm not moving.

- Shut up!
- Shut up.

No. No, I'm not gonna shut up.

I'm gonna say the things
I should've said last week

when those muggers
messed me about.

Yeah, you think it's great,
don't ya?

Standing with that thing
in your hand.

You think you can order up
people around.

Make them, make them do
whatever you want.

Well, well, you're right.

So what do you want me
to do, huh?

Dance like in the cowboy movies,
huh? Sure.

Want me to sing?

♪ Oh Danny boy ♪

♪ The pipes
the pipes are calling ♪♪

Huh, plead for my life?
Is that what you want, huh?

Give you money? Good grades?

Recommend you for Harvard, huh?

What do you want?

Oh, no. I don't, I don't,
I don't want any trouble.

[laughs]
You don't wanna get in trouble?

You're holding trouble
in your hand.

It can only bring you trouble.

It can't bring you
anything else.

Come on, g-give me,
give me the gun.

Hey, what do you think,
I'm stupid?

Of course, you're stupid.
We're all stupid.

You're stupid for having
that thing in your hand.

It can't make life any better

for you, it can only
bring you problems.

He's stupid
for bringing it to school

allowing you to steal it.

And I'm stupid for standin' here
when I could be runnin' away.

But there's another way.

You can drop the gun

you can run out of here,
jump on a horse

head for the Rio Grande
and a brand-new life in Mexico.

What?

No, it's not a cowboy movie,
is it?

It's a bloody gun and a bullet
in the spine for me, eh?

Life in a wheelchair.

What is it for you?
20 years in jail?

Six other guys,
shit in a tin pot for a toilet.

No, I don't, I don't,
I don't like that movie.

There's another one.

You give me the gun.
I throw it in the East River.

You make up with Arvid.

And then you make
a brand-new movie

called
"Zach Gets A Second Chance."

Alright, alright.
T-tell me about that one.

I don't know really.
We'd have to..

Maybe we could write it quick.

You-you-you stop
shaking down Arvid.

You try harder at school.
Go to college.

Meet a very beautiful woman.

Drive a really neat car, huh?

How about it, eh?
Come on, give me the gun.

You can do it. Give me.

- Drop the gun.
- Alright, stay away from me.

It's okay, Zach, it's okay.

[gun clicks]
Ah!

No! I didn't mean it.
It was an accident.

- MacGregor, you okay?
- Yeah.

[sighs]

[instrumental music]

(Alan)
'Yeah, in researching
the Second Amendment'

I realized the full text of it
says

"A well-regulated militia

"being necessary
to the security of a free state

"the right of the people
to keep and bear arms

shall not be infringed."

A well-regulated militia.

Now I think our Founding Fathers
wanted to protect our rights

to form citizen's militias.

Uh, like the National Guard.

- Good, Alan.
- Alright.

Brilliant speech, Alan.

Now did you really mean that

or were you just bum-kissing
for an A there?

Yeah, Alan. What happened?

Oh, after what happened
yesterday

I changed my mind, okay?

Oh, Pinkard,
you're breaking my heart.

Guys, I didn't buy
the gun bit yesterday

and I'm not buying it today.

Dennis, the gun bit
wasn't a practical joke.

- Yeah.
- Oh, it wasn't?

No, Dennis, it wasn't.

So you're saying Zach Butler
really actually had a gun?

That's right, Dennis.

- A real gun? So..
- 'Yes.'

So you could've been..

Yes.

- Arvid could've been..
- You got it.

- I could've been..
- Oh, yeah.

[scoffs]
Yeah, but I was making fun
of the guy.

I put a little sign on his back.
I was..

You're saying that he could've,
a-at any point, just..

Wow, I'm brave.

Arvid. Arvid, I'm sorry.

I am so sorry.

I thought you guys
were all putting me on.

[sighs]
Little buddy, next time
somebody pulls a gun on you

you gotta tell me.

I did.

Well, yeah, but you gotta
be more forceful.

I was.

Yeah, I guess you were.

- You okay?
- I've been better.

I just got back
from the police station.

- What happened?
- What did they say?

The detective told me
that trying to get an A

is not a valid excuse
for carrying a concealed weapon.

I could still be
in a lot of trouble.

- 'Oh, no.'
- 'Oh, Arvid.'

Arvid, I-I..

[chuckles]

Okay, I get it.

This is the practical joke,
right?

- Oh.
- Let me see if I can guess.

A couple of fake cops
are gonna show up

take you down to jail.

Suddenly, I gotta come up
with 100 bucks bail money.

Nice try, boys and girls.

Dennis, it's not
a practical joke.

There is no practical joke.

There never was
a practical joke.

That's the practical joke.

[bell rings]

Oh, yeah, right.

Yeah, sure.
Come on, what's the joke?

- You guys are driving me crazy.
- Dennis, that's the joke.

We were trying
to drive you crazy.

Yeah, Dennis.

So, so what's the joke
gonna be?

That is the joke.

You're only saying that,
so I'll drop my guard.

I know it. What was the joke?

I wanna know what the joke was.

You okay, Arvid?
Listen, it's your first offence.

I'll testify on your behalf

and I'll make sure
they don't go too hard on you.

Maybe they should.

You know, if I hadn't brought
that gun to school

none of this would ever happen.

I mean, now I'm in trouble,
Zach's life may be ruined

and I almost got you killed.

Ah, that's okay.

I've taken the worst
that New York

can throw at me
and I've survived.

And you know, in a funny way,
I felt better

than, than I've felt
in a long, long time.

I can tell.

- How's that?
- You rode your bike.

Oh, yeah.

Down the very street
where I was mugged.

You know, Billy,
you're incredible.

I mean, look at the way
you kept your cool yesterday.

I don't know how you did it.

To tell you the truth,
I suspected all along

it wasn't loaded.

- But it was loaded.
- Loaded?

Uh, yeah.
He showed me the bullets.

- It was loaded?
- Yeah.

I-I guess
it was a defective gun.

- Loaded?
- Yeah.

No wonder it only cost 20 bucks.

Loaded.

W-w-would it make you
feel better

if I told you it wasn't loaded?

- Yeah.
- It wasn't loaded.

Thank God for that, Arvid, eh?

[theme music]