All language subtitles for Head.Of.The.Class.S05E07_2

[theme music]

But absolutely,
my favorite lunatic

from the last days
of the tsar

was the Russian priest,
Rasputin.

Grigori Rasputin,
a total nutcase.

He had the Russian royal family
completely buffaloed

because they believed
that he could cure

their only son of hemophilia.

'Just a minute, Sarah.'

So he had the tsar's ear
all of the time.

But around the royal palace,
there was a lot of heavyweights

who wanted to have
the tsar's ear

and they plotted
to kill Rasputin.

And they knew
it was gonna be difficult

so they said
the best way to do it

we'll invite him
to a wee dinner party.

A little cozy number, right?

Because he's a bit
of a glutton, the guy.

And the job fell
on Prince Yusupov

who took the job gladly
because he knew

that Rasputin had a very strong
fancy for his wife.

(all)
Whoo!

So he said, "Do you fancy
coming up to my house

and trying my wife's cookin'?
It's magic."

Rasputin said,
"Yeah, count me in."

So they made a lot
of little cakes

and filled them with cyanide.

And in case he didn't like cakes

they put some cyanide
in the wine.

Rasputin turned up,
six cakes down the neck.

"Fabulous, lovely cakes,"
he said.

"But I'm a wee bit dry.
Give us a glass of wine."

Three large glasses
of wine down the face.

The only effect that had on him
was to give him

a serious attack
at the munchies.

He said, "Any of them wee cakes
left? I fancy one or two."

Another six cakes down the face.

Two hours later,
he's singin' Russian folk songs

and dancin' in the livin' room.

They said, "How are we
gonna kill this bugger?

He's gonna live forever."

So Yusupov shot him. Bang!

Rasputin dropped
like a dead tree.

A doctor was there. He rushed up
and pronounced him dead.

No sooner had the pronouncement
been made, Rasputin sat up

and said, "I'm seriously annoyed
at you people."

They shot him again.
They kicked him in the head.

They stabbed him.
They tied him up with ropes.

They wrapped him up
in the draperies.

They stuffed an after-dinner
mint into his mouth.

And they were stuffing him
through a hole in the ice.

And Rasputin said, "You don't
find me attractive, do you?"

They shoved him
into the raging torrent below.

Three days later,
they discovered his body.

And on examination,
discovered that he had drowned

while trying to swim ashore.

'Truth!'

Well, you know what's really
interesting about hemophilia?

- Huh?
- Sarah!

Sarah, I've just given you
one of the great

ripping yarns of Europe

about one of Europe's
most outstanding characters

and all you hear, hemophilia?

Oh, I was just reading
about it last night.

It's a deficiency of Factor VIII

which inhibits
the blood's ability to clot.

That was my best story.

They couldn't kill the bugger.

Oh, well, I liked the part
about hemophilia.

[bell rings]

Get out of here.
Have a nice weekend.

- Bye, Billy.
- Bye, Billy.

Oh, Simone. What time are we
supposed to be there tonight?

- Eight o'clock.
- Oh, good.

- Be where?
- It's just for the girls, Alex.

- It's a pajama party.
- Mmm.

- Pajamas?
- Girls?

Girls in pajamas?

You mean,
pajamas with little bunnies

a-a-and skimpy thingies
with, with the flimsy, lacy--

- You'll never know, Arvid.
- Oh, come on.

You know somethin'. I've never
been to a pajama party before.

Where I come from, five girls
sleepin' in the same room

isn't called a party.
They're called sisters.

Four girls, Simone.
I'm sorry. I can't make it.

I'm working at the hospital
this weekend.

- Oh, again?
- Oh, but I love it.

Even though I'm just an orderly

I've learned so much
from Dr. Hayes.

Oh, okay, Sarah.

Hey, Sarah, you work
at the hospital, huh?

Well, I think
that's brilliant.

Oh, well, thank you.
I wanna be a doctor

and I'm just trying
to get a head start.

Oh, it's wonderful,
so many of the kids in here

are so impressive.
They all do somethin' special.

- What are you starin' at?
- Your skin.

- It's a little off-color.
- So is my language, Sarah.

- A-and it's kind of dry.
- Yeah, a bit like my wit.

- Really, huh?
- And your hair.

- Ah!
- That's my hair!

What.. I didn't feel
a thing there.

Well, Billy, maybe you should
talk to a doctor about this.

Oh, come on,
there's nothin' wrong with me.

I just happen to be
losin' my hair at twice

the speed of light
for no apparent reason.

Oh, well, well, I know.
I'll look in my "Merck Manual."

It lists all the symptoms
of the diseases.

Dise.. You're insinuatin'
I've got some kind of disease?

- Oh, wouldn't that be great?
- Great?

I've got some weird
incurable disease

and you think it's great!

Oh, no, Billy. I'm sorry.

It's just that,
well, Dr. Hayes never lets me

do any diagnosing
at the hospital.

Yeah?

- Uh-huh. Okay.
- What?

Oh. Oh.

- What? What is it?
- Hypervitaminosis.

Do you take vitamins?

I'll take more
if it'll do any good.

Well, Billy, there's-there's
a possibility that-that--

Well, what? What?

Oh, it's nothing.

I-I mean, unless, of course,
you've been in the tropics.

I was.
I was in Borneo two years ago.

[gasps]
Oh, no!

- Wh-what, what is it?
- Nah. It's, it's nothing.

- I wouldn't worry about it.
- I want to worry about it.

Give me somethin'
to worry about.

- Leprosy?
- What?

♪ Just a little bit longer
love child ♪

♪ Wait you should've hold on ♪

♪ Just a little bit longer
love child ♪

♪ Never quite as good ♪

♪ Afraid ashamed misunderstood ♪

Go, T.J. Go, T.J.

♪ I'll always love you-u-u ♪♪

[all cheering]

That was great.

Hey, who do you think has
better buns, Milli or Vanilli?

- That's not their real names.
- That's not their real voices.

Probably
not their real buns either.

Hey, listen to this.

"Bloom was spinning
as Lord Vincent carried

her trembling body
towards the great four-poster."

Pretty racy stuff
for a Jane Austen freak, Simone.

- 'Yeah, Simone.'
- It's my dad's book.

Oh, your dad reads this trash?

No, he binds it.
He's a bookbinder.

Oh, he binds them?
And you read them.

- 'Right, right, right.'
- They're funny.

Um, uh, publishers call
these romances bodice-rippers

because the girl on the cover's
bodice is always ripped.

- Wow!
- Let me see that.

- Hot.
- Oh.

"Oh, Vincent. Don't hurt me.
Don't hurt me.

Oh, Vincent, hurt me, hurt me."

This is disgusting.
Can you imagine that?

A woman sayin' this to a man.

No, but I can imagine
Aristotle saying it to you.

[laughter]

Who writes these things anyway?

Well, anybody could,
once you figure out the formula

it's like algebra
with heavy breathing.

Hey, you know what, maybe..

- No, never mind.
- What?

Well, we have the whole weekend.
Maybe we could..

- What, Simone?
- Yeah, what?

I know it sounds crazy.

But maybe we could
write one of these.

- 'Yes.'
- That's a great idea. Yeah.

And if it's really good
and really steamy

my dad knows
a lot of publishers.

Maybe we could even sell it.

- Wow.
- Yeah, that's a great idea.

Hi, girls.
Let the games begin!

'Dennis, out, out!'

[all clamoring]

- Mornin', Bernadette.
- Morning, Billy.

Mornin', Dr. Samuels.

Ah, there's something
different about you.

Don't tell me.
You've lost weight.

- Well.
- Haircut?

Leprosy.

Leprosy? Are you talking about

where you lose
the fingers and the toes?

No, that's shop class.

Lep, leprosy's somethin'
the same

except you don't wear goggles.

Don't be ridiculous.
You do not have leprosy.

Oh, good. Does that mean

you'll go for dinner
with me then?

Don't you think
you should find out first?

Oh, I see.
You won't go out with me

until you find out
whether or not I've got leprosy.

No, I'm-I'm not saying that.
But it would be a factor.

Come on, I'm a nice guy.
I've got a pleasant personality.

I mean, I might be a leper.
So what?

Look, why don't you
just get to a doctor?

Otherwise you'll wind up
collecting alms

in the marketplace.

I've been to a doctor.

He says, "How are you
gonna pay for this?"

I said, "Hey, listen,
in Scotland

the government pays
for this kind of thing."

He says, "Have a nice flight."

Billy, what about your
teacher's union health plan?

What's that?

Don't you remember
filling out the forms

on the first day of school?

Oh, that
bureaucratic bumfluff.

I threw that away.

What's this about?
H-he didn't fill out the forms?

You didn't fill out
the forms?

Oh, I'm deeply sorry
about the whole thing.

If you give me another form,
I'll fill it out--

Oh, no, no.
I think that's too late.

I mean, if you've already
seen a doctor

about this, I'm afraid
that the insurance

just won't pay for it.
They won't, will they?

That's what they call
a pre-existing condition.

- What am I gonna do?
- Well, it's very simple.

If this thing happens again

don't go to see a doctor
until you see a doctor.

What?

Here it is. I finished typing it
at 3:00 this morning.

Great. So when do we start
showing it to publishers?

Wait a minute. Don't you think
we need a pen name?

- Yes.
- Okay.

How about Dardanella Musk?

Sounds like a perfume.

No, no, no,
we need something

that combines lustfulness
with innocence.

Libertina Modest.

Nah, too obvious.
How about Felicity Wilde?

Yeah, that's close.
But not quite.

Okay, okay.
How about Clytemnestra Demure?

(all)
Clytemnestra Demure.

- Hey, Dennis.
- Hey, Dennis.

Guys, guys, guys.

Check out what the girls wrote.

[gasps]

[laughs]

Billy, if you can't
afford the doctor

there's always City General
and it's free.

What, a free hospitals?

Sounds like somethin'
out of Charles Dickens.

Cockroaches, leeches, rats.

And that's only the staff, huh?

So who works in these places?
Doctors that can't play golf?

(Sarah)
'No, no, no, Billy,
it's not like that at all.'

I work for City General.

And Dr. Hayes
is a really good doctor.

And I'm a really good orderly.

And we take really
good care of people.

Oh, I'm sure it's a really good
place. But no, thanks, Sarah.

[bell rings]

Okay.

Enough of my medical problems.

What about these reports you
promised? Who's gonna go first?

I wrote mine
on the socio-economic conditions

that precede revolution.

Brilliant. The floor is yours.

"'No, not here,' Rachel moaned."

[laughter]

"What, what if
the headmaster returns?

I am the headmaster,
he said removing his mask."

Hey, why are you stopping
the best damn report

I've heard in years?

Uh, I-I'm sorry. Just got this
mixed up with my papers.

Hey, that's nothin'.
Ahem, listen to my report.

"The white stallion
sniffed at his oats.

Indifferent to the sounds of
passion that rocked the stable."

Hey, Eric,
where did you get that?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Come on, man.
Don't stop. Go on.

I-I can't read the rest
of this out loud.

Okay, how about this?

"Consumed with desire--"

- Dennis, come on.
- 'That's enough.'

"Derek ripped her silk bodice

revealing her ripe,
luscious forbidden fruits."

- Dennis.
- Stop.

Okay, okay, if that's the way
you like your history.

The president gently laid
the First Lady

on the huge mahogany desk.

"I want you," he moaned.

"I want you even more
than the Trades Act of 1894."

She slid her slender fingers
through his thinning temples..

Oh, my God.

Sarah, do you think
you could give me that

uh, address again?

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

- MacGregor William C.
- At last.

Ah! Before you see the doctor

you have to complete
a few forms.

But I've been here
for four hours.

Couldn't you
have told me this before?

This is the way it's done.
Now then do you have insurance?

- Yes, I do.
- Can you prove it?

No, I can't.
But it doesn't matter.

This is a public hospital.
So it's free, right?

Not for people
who have insurance.

- Okay, I don't have insurance.
- Can you prove it?

How do you prove
you don't have insurance?

This is my insurance.
Would you like my card?

Thank you. Now how do I
get to see a doctor?

- I mean, I've seen one already.
- Oh, a pre-existing condition?

- No, uh, he couldn't help me.
- But you saw one?

Uh, but that was before
I knew what I've got.

- What have you got?
- I don't know.

Well, I can't help you until you
tell me what your problem is.

That's why I'm here.
To find out what my problem is.

Now we're getting somewhere.
Do you have insurance?

No, no, I don't have insurance.

And no, no, no,
I can't prove it.

- How do you intend to pay?
- I don't.

That's why I'm here.

This clinic is only free
for those people

who have no visible means
of support.

Do you have a job?

Yes, I have a job.
I am a teacher.

Therefore I have an invisible
means of support.

Oh, then you have
a great health plan.

No, they have a great health
plan. I threw mine away.

Well, we weren't
thinking ahead, were we?

Listen to me,
you Florence bloody nightmare.

You're not a nurse.
You're a bouncer.

Now how do I get to see a doctor
in here? Have a heart attack?

If you think this attitude is
gonna get you to see the doctor

then you're yelling
at the wrong person.

I've been yelled at
by sicker people than you.

[groans]

Ah! Pains in the chest. Ah!

- Excuse me.
- Ah!

General discomfort
in the chestal area.

Ah, ah. Shortness of breath.

Heart attack?

Uh.

You know, just reading that
stuff cleared up my complexion.

Me too.

Alright, alright, that's enough.

Now we've been good sports
up to now.

But you guys are making too much

out of a sweet little
harmless romance novel.

(all)
Aw.

Harmless? Harmless!

May I quote from page 56
where you say

"She gingerly examined the scar

where the bull
had gored him years ago."

[moans]

"Revulsion turned to lust
as she--"

Hey, I don't remember
writing anything

about bullfighters or scars.

- No, that had to be Darlene.
- Excuse me.

No, no, no,
I-I think Darlene wrote the part

where the fiery vixen
feels the steaming flanks

of the masterful stallion
beneath her.

Now why would you think
that's me?

Because you feel
everything's beneath you.

No, no, no, no,
my, my favorite part was

"He was a slender man,
but strikingly handsome

"with his tussled hair,
his teasing smile..

"...and he exuded an animal aura

"that made even the most
independent woman

his playthings of love."

Well, that's me.
Isn't it, you saucy wench?

No, no, no.
I'll tell you who it is.

It's me. Right, T.J.?

[scoffs]
In your dreams, baby.

No, baby, in my dreams,
I'm really buff.

[indistinct chatter]

Simone, let's take a look
at exactly what you added here.

Yes, Simone, I thought you're
just gonna correct the spelling

not, uh, turn up the heat.

Oh, well, I couldn't help
but smooth it out a little.

You know, add a pronoun here,
a proposition there.

[laughing]

Oh, my God.
Billy, what happened?

- Nothin'.
- Nothing?

Don't say nothing.
You just collapsed.

Just be thankful
that you were in

a really good place
when it happened.

A really good place?

These people could
finish off Rasputin.

Well, y-your BP looks good.

And I don't see anything
erratic in your EKG.

And no T waves. Of course,
we have to wait for your CPK.

There's a good chance
you didn't have an MI.

That's right, I didn't.
It was BS.

- Banti's syndrome?
- No, Sarah.

I pretended
to have a heart attack

just so as I can get here.

- You what?
- That's right.

That's what I did.

Nurse Wretched out there
drove me to it.

And I'm not leavin'
till somebody tells me

what's the matter with me.

Uh, well, Billy,
this is terrible.

Dr. Hayes is never
gonna take me seriously now.

Sh-she's probably
gonna kill me.

What? You are talking to a man

whose eyebrows are about
to leave this hospital.

I'm shedding
like a bloody sheepdog

and nobody can tell me why.

- Billy, I told you why.
- You told me I had leprosy.

Surely, that merits
a visit to the doctor.

No, Billy. I said
there was a possibility.

- Same thing.
- Mr. MacGregor.

Oh, Billy. Call me Billy.

In medicine, it is not only
important to know what happened

but the factors
contributing to it

so we can prevent it
from happening again.

- What do you mean?
- I got your test results back.

And from what I can determine

you had a massive
fake heart attack.

Oh, you're good.
You are very good.

Now let me tell you
why I'm here.

No, let me tell you
why I'm here.

I come here to patch up people
with real problems.

- So if you'll excuse me.
- Wait a minute.

Why are you treating me
like a leper?

Oh, wait a minute,
I'm a leper.

Why aren't you treating me
like a leper?

- A leper?
- Yeah.

Yellow skin, fallin' hair.

- Who told you you had leprosy?
- She did.

I did not say you had leprosy.
I said you might have leprosy.

I didn't even say that.

Where do you get off
saying anything?

Well, he talked to me
about symptoms

and I was just trying
to help.

Oh, I told him to see a doctor,
but he's too cheap.

Why, I'm not too cheap.

They are too expensive.

No, leprosy.

Sarah, just because
you read a "Merck Manual"

doesn't give you the right
to terrify people

with your
hare-brained diagnosis.

- Oh--
- Oh, so I don't have leprosy?

But, Dr. Hayes,
it's not so hare-brained.

- He does have the symptoms.
- So I do have leprosy?

Does he have numbness
in his extremities?

My God, I can't feel my arm.

Ah, I can't feel a thing.

- Oh.
- There, you're cured.

Oh, thank you.
Oh, you are good. You're good.

Sarah, you're supposed
to change sheets, clean up

push gurneys, empty bedpans.

You're not supposed
to play Doogie Howser.

Well, I-I guess you don't wanna
know what I think he really has.

- No.
- Hypervitamnosis.

- Sarah, doctor, bedpans.
- Sorry.

Besides, I wanted to tell him.

[gasps]
I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

In your blood tests,
your retinol was off the scale.

It was a lucky guess,
but a good one.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, how nice that you girls

are gettin' along again, eh?

Meanwhile, I'm rotting away

with hypervitamin thingummy
bloody jig here.

Hypervitaminosis.

By the way,
how many do you take anyway?

Oh, I don't know.
It varies really.

Couple of Wilmas, a few Freds,
handful of Barneys.

- The odd Dino, you know.
- Flintstone vitamins.

Yeah. Well, they're so cute.
I just eat them like candy.

You're taking enough
for all of Bedrock.

You'll be okay
in a couple of weeks.

After that, I want you
to take the recommended dosage

for a child your age, okay?

We should get
some Vitamin K into him.

Sorry.

- You wanna prep him?
- Oh, sure, thanks.

- Mr. MacGregor.
- Billy. Call me Billy.

Billy.

Roll over.

Simone, I read our book..

...excuse me,
your book last night.

And I have to admit
your version was much better.

Yeah, talk about still waters
running deep.

My parents read a couple
of pages the next thing

you know,
they turned off Ted Harbert.

You know what,
when we sell it

I think you should get
all the money

and buy yourself a horse.

Well, unfortunately, girls,
it's too late for that.

My dad's publisher friend
already read it.

"Dear Miss Demure, you've set
out to write a novel

"of passion,
romance and human sexuality.

"I give you the advice
I give all young writers.

Forget about all that stuff
and write what you know."

[bell rings]

See, if you had not
thrown me out of that party

we'd all have something
to write about.

Oh, boy.

[clamoring]

[sighs]

- Morning, everybody.
- Good morning, Billy.

Good morning, Billy.

Hey, yo, Billy. How'd your free
medical care go?

- It cost me $633.
- Oh.

Uh, Billy. Uh, excuse me.
I have some good news for you.

I was wrong
about your insurance.

You're automatically covered
even without the forms.

You have just told a Scotsman

that he has spent $633
for nothing.

[groans]

You can get reimbursed.

Suddenly I feel
very much better.

[theme music]

[theme music]