All language subtitles for Head.Of.The.Class.S05E06_2

[theme music]

[sighs]

Hey, that wasn't from
that Ed McMahon fellow, was it?

You may have won $10 million

and any one of a number
of very valuable prizes.

That's a rejection letter
from a short story

I sent to a magazine.

Hey, I didn't know
you were a writer.

Yeah, well, apparently I'm not.

Oh, come on,
don't let one little

rejection slip get you down.

One? I could wallpaper my room
with these things.

Let me see.
You must keep trying, you know?

Now, this isn't bad at all.

Look, at least it isn't
one of those form letters.

Someone's gone through
the trouble to write

"Dull, boring,
deeply uninteresting."

- It is very good.
- Thank you for cheering me up.

Ah! Bernadette!

I have
a really serious problem here.

I found
a brilliant wee restaurant

and I made a reservation
for two.

Unfortunately,
there's only one of me.

No. I have a problem.
Mrs. Lang is in the hospital.

And I don't have a teacher
for Honors French.

Your problem is solved.

I will happily take
your Honors French class.

You would?

See what you don't understand is

I would do anything for you.

I would swim through
shark-infested oceans

wearing flippers made
of lamb chops, just for you.

I would go to Mecca
wearing a name tag that says

"Hi, I'm Salman Rushdie"
just for you.

I would do anything for you

or as we say
in La Belle, France..

[speaking in foreign language]

Oh, that's very, very sweet,
Billy. Thank you.

- No. Dinner.
- What about dinner?

Hey, I thought you'd never ask!

Well, actually

you've been so sweet about
this French thing, why not?

- Magnifique. Fantastique.
- Okay.

- Good morning!
- Oh, morning, Dr. Samuels.

Uh, Billy's gonna take
the IHP class in Honors French.

- Oh, that's Mrs. Lang's class.
- 'Uh-huh.'

You really think you can fill
Mrs. Lang's shoes?

Yeah, I don't think I'd look too
good in her pantyhose, though.

I don't know about that.

Oh, Dr. Samuels, please!

I mean, Billy is
a very sophisticated European.

If he says he can do it,
he can do it.

Besides, I heard him
speak French, and he's good.

And I am not just tres bon.
I am le best!

Wow, you really do know
your French, huh?

Is there anything
this man can't do?

Mm-mm.

Actually,
there is one thing I can't do.

- What's that?
- I can't speak French.

[instrumental music]

[speaking in foreign language]

Bonjour, mademoiselle..

[chuckles]
Monsieur Billy, bonjour.

[speaking in foreign language]

Ah, Simone! Eh, fine.
Thank you very much.

No, no, no!

[speaking in foreign language]

Oui! Oui, indeed.

[speaking in foreign language]

Alex, you're here, too.
That's great.

Where Madam Lang?

Ah! Bonjour, Billy.

- Bonjour, Billy.
- 'Bonjour, Billy.'

My God! You're all here.

[speaking in foreign language]

Fantastique!

Okay! Brilliant,
fantastic, wonderful.

Now, can we just
speak English, right?

[speaking in foreign language]

Enough, Alan!
Let's speak English, okay?

[speaking in foreign language]

Alan, zip your la bouche,
alright?

They all made a sacred promise

never to speak English
in this room.

- Eric, you broke the promise!
- Yeah.

So? Sue moi.

The-the thing is, Billy

usually our French teachers
speak French.

Well, I have
a little bit of French

I've picked up here and there.

[speaking in foreign language]

You know where they came from.

But listen, you don't need
to know a great deal of French

to carry on
a conversation in French.

I have found this over the years

when you're speaking
to a Frenchman

you wait until he gets
to the end of the sentence

you take his very last word

turn it around
and make it into a question.

So if he say's..

[speaking in foreign language]

You say, "Paitre ya?"
And he says..

[speaking in foreign language]

And you say "Arrive?"

I tell you, you can stand there
for days doing that.

Well, I say..

[speaking in foreign language]

Ridicule?

[speaking in foreign language]

See? It works!
Didn't I tell you?

Excuse me, Billy, but if you
don't understand French

we're wasting our time here.

- Yeah.
- And I..

Listen, you may well

be wasting your time

but that's not necessarily
my fault.

I mean, look at this text book,
it must have been published

in the Second World War, I've..

I've never seen
anything like it!

I'll find you a good phrase.

Here we are,
"We have reason to believe

there are Germans
hiding in your cellar."

I mean, what have you people
been learning here?

We were studying the past
pluperfect of subjunctive verbs.

My point exactly!

It's a long-held theory of mine

that in French lessons
in this country

far too much of the time
is spent learning French!

God, I wish
you were our gym teacher.

So how many of you, for instance

have ever been to France?

- Ah..
- Oh, that's brilliant.

You can all speak French
and you've never been there.

How many of you
want to go to France?

- Ah..
- Yeah, I'd love to!

Oh, right after college
and graduate school.

I'll go there to celebrate
my PhD or my 40th birthday

whichever comes first.

Um, I plan to go in someday

with my lovely wife
and our two children

Ethan and Debra.

But how about right now?

Oh, sure. I'd love to go
to the Pere Lachaise Cemetery.

Oscar Wilde's buried there,
and Victor Hugo--

- Balzac.
- No! It's true!

Oh! Listen.

There's no point in learning
French all of these years

if you're gonna go to France
and see dead people.

France isn't a dead country,
it isn't full of cemeteries

and museums and galleries.

There's a great deal more
than that to it.

Paris is one of the great
romantic adventures of our time.

Go to Paris, you fall in love!

- Mm-hmm.
- Arvid!

- Hm?
- Close your eyes.

- Hm.
- Just imagine, alright?

- You're in Paris.
- Mm-hmm.

The jazz is hot, you're cool.

[chuckles]

Down the vroom of tar
goin' in an incredible speed

is a man on a moped

wearing wrap-around sunglasses.

- This is you.
- Oh!

It's dusk,
you're zipping along the road..

...along the banks of the Seine.

The city is reflected in gold
in the water.

You turn over at Pont Neuf.

[imitates engine revving]

You head at a fantastic speed
down the Champs-Elysees.

But wait!

You set eyes
on the most stunning redhead

you've ever seen in your life.

Your eyes meet.
They lock into position.

Unfortunately,
there's another guy there

with exactly the same idea.

You don't like this.

You leap at him
like a crazed beast.

You grab his lapel,
you smack his face twice!

[slapping]

He scurries off
like a wounded animal.

You sit down,
the waiter approaches.

You say,
"Un cafe, sil-vous-plait."

She reaches out, you take
her hand gently in yours.

This, Arvid, is Paris.

- Mm..
- Mm..

Speak to her! Speak to her.

Oh, uh. Ahem, uh..

Je m'appelle Arvid Engen.

[speaking in foreign language]

Oh, no!

Comment allez-vous?
How are you?

Boring!

No! I love you.

No. I desperately need you!

'No. Your beauty blinded me.'

I ran into the espresso machine
with my scooter!

So, Billy, what would you say?

Oh, I don't know.
I don't know what I would say.

I've said many things
in that position.

When I was in France
as a young man

when youth was in its flower
and my acne was ablaze..

...I remember, I was

I was in Brittany, I saw
the most beautiful creature

I have ever set eyes upon

on the beach.

I was desperate to speak to her

but I had so little French,
I was scanning the horizon

for something
that meant anything to me

something I knew the name of
just to make contact.

And then I saw it.

In the Channel,
a little boat bobbing around.

I thought, "Great!"

I walked up to her,
I pointed to the boat

and I said, "Bateau."

She said,
"Oui, poisson bateau."

- Fishing boat.
- Exactly!

I then said,
"Cafe, mademoiselle?"

She said, "Oui." And we went off
in search of some coffee.

We were walking for ages

and it was ages
since I'd said anything

and I was desperate
to say something else.

We went into the cafe
and there was my godsend.

On the dessert tray

a cake in the shape
of a fishing boat!

I couldn't believe my luck!
I held my mouth seeing it.

Poisson bateau gateau!

[laughing]

She laughed, I laughed,
we both laughed!

Oh, yes!

And the rest
is vile pornography!

But, no, no, no!

But my point is

there's no sense in learning

every syllable of the language

if you're not gonna learn
the life of the country

the essence,
the spirit of the country.

I've got an idea!
Let's go to the movies!

- Now?
- 'Yes!'

Let's go see a French movie.
It'll be great!

That'll give you a clue
of the whole affair!

I don't need a clue, I just
need to get through French.

You mean, you're not an expert
like everyone in this class?

What do I need to learn French
for, so I can get

rejection letters
from "Le Monde?"

I got enough trouble
writin' English.

Oh, listen, man, it's maybe
not the way you write.

Maybe it's what you're writing
about that's the problem.

Yeah, well, I ain't been
writing about anything lately.

It's weird to be burnt out
before you even start.

Well, why don't you come
to the movie?

Maybe it'll rattle your cage
a little.

Maybe it'll get
the old juices flowing, eh?

Everybody, come on, let's go!

[indistinct chatter]

Uh, I'm not goin'.

Well, you don't need to go.

You can always stay here
and learn a few phrases

from this dynamite book.

I'll find you a good one.
Here's a great one.

"Pardon me, I seem to have
parachuted in your field

and killed one of your cows."

- Let's go.
- 'Let's go.'

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Ah. That was incredible!

I've never seen the original
version of "Breathless" before.

Oh, I thought
it was so romantic.

I mean, an American girl
falling in love

with a young, handsome
French criminal.

Romantic?
Girl, the man killed a cop!

And at the end, he died
like a dog in the street.

Y-yeah, but it was
a street in Paris.

I loved it when Coutard
used that handheld camera.

That was
fantabulous funky fresh!

Right.
Hm, I learned a new French word.

Raisinet. Ha-ha!

Well, I thought it was
really good. You know what?

I feel kind of French already.

D-D-Dennis, how do you think
I'd look in a goatee?

I don't know. Like a goat.

You know,
I'm startin' to understand

why so many writers
went to Paris.

- Hemmingway, Fitzgerald..
- Oh, it's a great place to go.

A new perspective on your life
to feed your talent.

Yeah, you'll find that
if you've got any talent.

Hey, don't be so hard
on yourself.

You're probably brilliant, you
just haven't lived enough yet.

So how does one go about
living enough?

Oh, I don't know.
I went to France when I was 17.

- Seventeen?
- Mm-hmm.

How'd you pull that off?

I don't know really,
I just kinda went.

I walked, I hitch-hiked,
I bummed rides on barges.

It was unbelievable.

But the point is

I didn't talk about it,
I just did it.

- Maybe..
- Maybe what?

[chuckles]
Nah, forget it.

Uh, Billy,
this has been great and all

but don't you think we should be
getting back to school?

I'd love to, Sarah,
but my feet seem to be

stuck to the floor here.

Ah, come on, let's go.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Well, you know, Jasper,
I mean, it's just amazing

that there's over 200 different
kinds of cheese in France.

Yeah, and that doesn't include
goat cheese!

Yeah. Oh, oh, it's too bad
I can't enjoy it.

- Lactose intolerance?
- You, too?

- Yeah!
- Hey!

[bell ringing]

Good morning, my brilliant ones!

- 'Morning.'
- Good morning, Billy.

Where did we get to yesterday?

Oh, we were discussing whether

the '83 Burgundies
were too fruity.

- Oh.
- Croissant?

Oh, thank you.

Hey, where's Eric?

[indistinct chatter]

- Where's Simone?
- 'Yeah.'

Maybe they are off together
doing something French.

Hey, maybe they're seeing
"Breathless" again.

Mm, maybe they're getting
breathless again.

[all exclaiming]

You'll never guess
what happened!

- 'What?'
- Something wrong?

- It's Eric.
- What?

Well, what happened?
Where is he?

Well, actually, he's in Paris.

(all)
Paris?

[indistinct chatter]

Look, look, he really did it?
I mean..

He just took off
and went to France?

I mean, what about school?
When is he gonna come back?

What a sleaze!

- What's with you, Simone?
- 'Yeah, Simone.'

What's with me?

Eric and I always dreamed
of going to Europe.

Oh, we'd say,
"We'll always have Paris."

Now he'll always have Paris
and I'll always have bupkis.

Eric went to Paris
for a particular reason.

He wanted to see whether or not
he was actually a real writer.

Eric? In Paris?

Yeah, he got on a plane
and flew to France.

Eric Mardian of the IHP?

Oh, he's not in the IHP
any longer. He's in France.

Where did he get
a crazy idea like that?

Well, I think I inspired him

to get off his bum
and kick-start his life.

Could you excuse us?

Billy, I trusted you
with this class.

If anything happens to Eric,
it's gonna be on my conscience.

Bernadette,
what can happen to him?

What's the worst thing
that can happen?

He overdoses on garlic?

Excuse me, Mr. MacGregor.

There's a phone call for you
from Paris.

Oh, great! Just-just
keep studyin', will you?

I'll be back in a minute or two.

[indistinct chatter]

- Come on.
- Okay, come on.

Hello?

Yeah. Uh, hello?
Yeah, uh, oui.

Uh, m-merci. Eh, oh, God.
Bonjour, mademoiselle.

Yeah, accepter un appel?

- Yes!
- Oui!

Yes, uh, oui, oui.
Eric! Ah, how are you, man?

Oh, great!
Oh, who doesn't love Paris?

Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, no.

Oh, dear. Look, have you tried
selling your watch?

- Watch, for what?
- Of course.

What about your jacket?
It's a leather jacket, isn't it?

What? Oh, yeah, of course,
it gets very cold at..

Mm, well, look.. No, I-I'm
sorry, I-I couldn't do that.

No, I-I realize
you would pay me back

but I, I, actually,
I just don't want to do that.

But, look, have a great time.

And, listen,
everybody says hello!

[clamoring]

Yeah. Okay, look, have a great
time and do it, man, okay?

- Bye-bye.
- Wait!

[clamoring]

Listen, he's havin' a great
time, he's seen lots of Paris.

He's met
some exotic interesting people.

Unfortunately, he's run out
of m-money, you know?

Hey, he was trying
to borrow some from me!

[laughs]

And you didn't lend it to him?

- No!
- Hey, that's cold, man.

Are you from Scotland
or Iceland?

- Come on.
- Well..

At least it means
he'll be coming home soon.

- Yeah.
- Well, actually.

Not necessarily.

Because the money he ran out of

was the money he got
for his return ticket.

So I think Eric's a wee bit,
uh, stranded.

Oh, well,
back to the class. Come on.

[indistinct chatter]

Wait, wait a minute!

Let's start today
with a weird fact

about Grover Cleveland.

Firstly, his first weird fact

was his name.

Grover.

The nightmare continues.

Actually,
if you count the travel day

it's day nine.

Poor Eric, I, I bet

he's standing on a bridge
in Paris right now

wondering where his next meal's
gonna come from.

And it's all my fault.

Wait, what am I saying?

It's not all my fault.
It's all your fault!

- Yeah.
- Yeah, Billy.

Okay! I give in.

The whole thing
is my cruel fault.

I dragged him, screaming
and kicking to the airport

and then held him at gunpoint

forced him
on to the plane to Paris.

It's all part of my grand plan

to take over America!

What? Billy, you could've
given him that money.

[clamoring]

Of course, I could.

Yeah, I thought
you liked him, man.

I do like him,
I think he's terrific.

Well, aren't you worried
about him?

I am worried about him,
but I think he'll be okay.

Yeah, and how do you know that?

- Right.
- Because I was okay.

Mr. MacGregor

I just got off the phone
with Eric's mother.

She comes back from a trip
and there's a note from Eric.

Says he went to Paris.

I told her we, here at Fillmore

don't know anything about this.

- I am not wrong, right?
- Wrong.

How could he do it? How could
he skip class and-and leave?

Well, it's just that Billy did
such a good job teaching

that maybe Eric over-reacted
a little and..

Hey, what's up?

- Hey!
- Hey!

Eric, where you've been?

- Paris!
- Don't let it happen again.

[indistinct chatter]

- Hey, Billy.
- Hey, welcome back, Eric.

Hey, aren't you gonna deck him?

Yeah, he left you stranded.

Tell me about it,
I couldn't believe it

when you wouldn't send me
the money. I was terrified.

But I had to eat, right,
so I got this job

passing on leaflets to some
club. Check this out, Simone.

I'm sittin' in a cafe
on the left bank

trying to figure out
my next move

and I'm surrounded by writers
and artists and philosophers.

At least that's what
they looked like they were.

And-and they're talking
way too fast for me.

Maybe I was listening
way too fast 'cause I had like

eight espressos,
and I was really wired.

It-it's the only thing
I knew how to ask for.

So, anyway, the bill comes
and it's 212 francs.

Yeah, turns out, I miscalculated
the exchange rate.

Apparently, I drank,
like, $42 worth of coffee

and I only got, like, 20.

So the owner comes out and he
starts yelling at me in French

and I got no idea
what he's saying.

But hand gestures are universal.

- Right?
- Right?

Then this, pah

beautiful French college girl
named Gabrielle..

She's a philosophy student
at the Sorbonne.

Black leather skirt
up till here, I swear to God.

Anyway, that's not important.

She, she leaps to her feet

and she starts
calling the owner..

[speaking in foreign language]

All of her friends join in.

The next thing I know,
I'm leading a socialist march

down the Boulevard
Saint-Germain!

The cops come.
Gabrielle, she grabs me.

We take off down this alley way.

- She takes me to her apartment.
- 'Yes!'

- 'Yes, yes!'
- 'Wait, wait, wait.'

She lives with a guy
in a kaftan.

'N-nice guy, not quite sure
what he did, though.'

And, and this old lady

who swears that
she slept with Hemmingway.

'But-but that's not important.'

Anyway, I stay there
for three days, right?

It turns out Gabrielle's
boyfriend knows this guy

whose girlfriend
is an American stewardess

and I could fly back
to New York for free

if I pretend to be her husband.

And so I fly back to Kennedy

pretending to be a sax player
named Fuzzy Jordan.

- Fuzzy?
- But, no, no, no, man.

Tha-that's not important.
I made it back.

And now it's all like
this incredible dream.

Wow, Eric!

[all cheering]

But aren't you mad at him,
though?

'Cause he wouldn't lend me
the money?

- 'Yeah!'
- Yeah, at first.

But now that I'm back

it's the best thing
he could've done for me.

Yeah, you see, I would've sent
the money to Eric, the tourist

but there was no way
I was sendin' any money

to Eric, the writer.

I mean, you have just had
an adventure

that Hemmingway would've
given his right arm for.

- 'Yeah!'
- 'Incredible.'

Yeah, I did, didn't I?

So now you have something
to write about, right?

- 'Yeah.'
- Yeah, I do.

Tough New York teenager

stranded in Paris

uses his street smarts
to find love and adventure.

[cheering]

- I like it.
- Yeah.

Hey, and what about

the debonair handsome professor

who inspired him?

Tell him to write his own story.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]