All language subtitles for Head.Of.The.Class.S05E05_2

[theme music]

Good morning, Miss Meara,
listen, I need Dr. Samuels

to sign this
scholarship application form.

Okay. Well, I'll take it in.

Why don't you just wait
right here?

Yeah, yeah, but wait,
you gotta make sure

that he signs right there.

- Okay.
- And right there.

(Meara)
'Okay. I'll take care of that.'

- 'Alright?'
- 'Okay. Great.'

Good morning, Billy.

Ah, Bernadette, hello.

Listen, you're obviously
a woman of culture and taste

who appreciates great music.

- Yes, I do.
- Here it is.

I've got two tickets
to see the Rolling Stones.

Why, those tickets
are worth a fortune.

Where'd you get a pair of those?

I won them, I was their
millionth customer

at the Big Apple record store

and that wasn't easy,
let me tell you.

I had to go through that
turnstile 57 times to get these.

So how about it? Would you like
some "Satisfaction?"

Uh, Billy, I make it a policy

not to date the men I work with.

Well, I wouldn't go out
with Dr. Samuels either

but it's me we're talking about

Mrs. MacGregor's pride and joy.

Thanks, but I have
a very active social life

away from the work place.

That makes one of us then, eh?

I don't understand American
women. I can't communicate.

Not one date
since I arrived in this place.

Hey! There's always
the personals.

Personals? That is for people
who are lonely.

Distressed, weird,
far from home..

Give us a look at that.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Come on, guys,
we can win 10,000 bucks

in "America's Funniest
Home Video."

Yeah, all we have to do
is come up

with something brilliant
and clever, yet goofy.

[bell rings]

Morning, geniuses.

- Good morning, Billy!
- Good morning, Billy!

What a great day to be alive.

"O Life!
How pleasant in thy morning."

"Young Fancy's rays
the hills adorning."

How impressive, Viki.

Not many people could recognize

and quote
the great Robby Burns.

[clears throat]

"'Twas not
her golden ringlets bright.

"Her lips like roses,
wet with dew.

"Her heaving bosom, lily-white.

It was her eyes,
so bonny-blue."

If you've hit enough
on the bonny lass

can we please get on
with history class?

Oh!

Do I detect
a little boy-girl tension here?

- 'Yes.'
- 'Yeah.'

(Billy)
Okay.

Immigration. Ellis Island.

'Right after the Civil War'

the government actively
encouraged immigration

from Eastern
and Southern Europe.

The people arrived
in the millions

and the first thing they saw
as they arrived on the boats

was the Statue of Liberty, with
the torch of freedom held high.

Personally, I flew here

and the first thing I saw
was a Hare Krishna

with his handout.

But that inscription
still inspires.

"Bring me your tired, your poor

"your huddled masses
yearning to breathe free

the wretched refuse
of your teeming shores."

Sort of a mixed message,
isn't it, really?

Welcome to America,
you wretched refuse.

Mind you, that's how
I've been feeling lately.

Wretched, refused.

- Aw!
- Aw!

That is,
until I found the personal ads.

- 'Really?'
- Wa-wait.

You answered an ad
in the personals?

No. I answered 14 of them.

And there are six
wonderful women

willing to step out with me.

- 'Now--'
- Wait a minute, Billy.

Before you start dabbing cologne
on your pulse points

some of these women
are looking for friendship

some are looking for marriage

and some for cheap thrills.
What are you looking for?

I am looking for friendship,
marriage and cheap thrills

but not necessarily
in that order.

And I hope to hit it off
before the 23rd

so I can have a date
to go and see the Stones.

Okay, Billy, here's what you do.

You get a table someplace
neutral, yet non-threatening

like a coffee shop
in the Village.

And then, you arrange to meet
one date at, say, six o'clock.

Alright,
and then you meet the next one

at another coffee shop at 7:00.

Then keep doing that
in different coffee shops

until you've met the right one.

- 'Yeah.'
- Or until your kidneys explode.

[instrumental music]

'If this doesn't win "America's
Funniest Home Videos"'

nothing will.

Yeah. Falling down the stairs.
That's fresh!

- Yeah.
- I don't know, guys.

I mean, shouldn't we be thinking
about getting into college?

I heard
that they don't like anything

that's too staged on that show
or that's too dangerous.

Oh, don't worry about it.
Nobody is gonna get hurt.

- Okay.
- Okay? Alright.

Now, who's gonna
fall down the stairs?

- Oh, not me.
- Not me. No way.

Uh, T.J., you do it.

Who, me? I'm not gonna do it.

- Why don't you do it?
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm the director
and it's my camera.

Okay. Well, now, I'm
the director and it's my camera.

So get your bony butt
up those stairs.

[laughs]

I'm not fallin' down
those stairs.

Oh, but you expect me,
your girlfriend

to fall down the stairs?
You know how fragile I am.

Dennis, Dennis,
Dennis, my main man!

We're doin' a video for

"America's Funniest
Home Videos."

And I was wondering
if maybe you could help us out.

- 'Yeah.'
- You know, what do you think?

What do you say?
What do you say?

If we win, do I get
part of the 10,000 bucks?

- Oh, yes.
- Uh-huh.

Okay. What do you want me to do?

- Fall down the stairs.
- That's all.

- Piece of cake. Piece of cake.
- Hm. Tsk.

Love the concept.
Let me recast it.

- Arvid.
- Yeah.

How would you like to be on

"America's Funniest
Home Videos?"

- 'Yeah.'
- Hey, that'd be great!

You know, I do an impression
of Albert Einstein

the math club thinks
is a real hoot.

- Huh.
- Yeah.

I'm sure it is, but listen

I-I was thinking more
of a-a guy falling down

a big flight of stairs,
carrying a stack of books.

[indistinct chatter]

You know, that'd be funny, too.

Just picture it. A nerdy guy
with geeky clothes and glasses.

I get it. You know,
you know, that's not fair.

It really, I mean,
I-I-I maybe a tad, uh, unique

but you know, I-I am not
some-some clumsy nerd.

Uh, uh, y-you see?

You thought I was gonna
bump into that, didn't you?

Well, you can just forget it.
I am not.. Ooh.

[instrumental music]

[school bell ringing]

Okay, class, before we start..

...are there any questions

about the things
we discussed yesterday?

Yeah, Billy. How was
your group date last night?

- 'Oh, yeah.'
- Yeah.

It was great. I mean,
American women are terrific.

Bizarre, but terrific.

The first one was really nice
for a Satanist.

I mean, I don't know about you,
but I think inverted crucifixes

and black candles are kind of
passe as a fashion statement.

'The second one
was extraordinary.'

She announced straight off

that her biological clock
was ticking.

I'm sure it went off right there
in the restaurant.

And then who else was there?

Oh, there was
that wonderful woman.

A museum curator.

She announced that most of her
favorite things were dead.

'Really,
I had to get out of there'

before the conversation
got around to chainsaws.

Yeah.
Then there was the stockbroker.

She arrived with a laptop
computer and a cellular phone.

I couldn't get
a word in edgeways.

I'm gonna have
to fax her goodbye

but then there was the beast.

I've never saw a woman like her
in my entire life.

She had a face like a bulldog
chewing a wasp.

Breath, I've never known,
but this woman

this woman's breath..

Everything this woman says to me
begins with an H.

"Have a nice day.
How are you doing?

Are you havin' a nice time?"

My hair's changing color.
My eyes are burning.

I can.. Well, I'm looking
for somewhere to hide.

She breathing, I'm trying
to synchronize her breath

so as we're both breathing out
at the same time.

[exhaling]

This, this woman thinks
I'm having a stroke.

She's-she's gonna give me
the kiss of life.

I saw her mouth
coming towards me

her mouth like an open grave.

And clamps over my face.

It's like being smashed in
the face with half a watermelon.

Oh. Help!

But the last one

was an absolute knockout.

Tall, big eyes

beautiful full lips

and the loveliest
long black hair.

And we had so much in common.

- 'Good.'
- Oh, yeah.

We're both sports fanatics.

- We're both movie buffs.
- 'Yeah.'

We're both men.

[indistinct chatter]

I got some great tips
on eyeliner

if any of you ladies
are interested.

Uh, so are you gonna see
any of them again?

Only in recurring nightmares,
I should imagine.

So what're you gonna do now?

Now I'm gonna keep my love life
out of this class.

That's what I'm gonna do,
and I'm gonna concentrate

on things I really know about,
like, history, for instance.

- Nicaragua.
- 'Alright.'

[indistinct chatter]

Somoza called himself president.

The Sandinistas
called him a dictator.

They call themselves
freedom fighters.

He called them
commie terrorists

so they kicked him out.
Then they were in charge.

Ronald Reagan called them
commie oppressors

and he sent in the Contras,
whom he called freedom fighters

and they called
mercenary terrorists.

So b-basically,
what you're called

depends largely
on who's doing the talking

because hypocrisy
is the Vaseline

of political intercourse.

[laughing]

They didn't like what they saw

so they changed it
to make it sound better

just like in these personal ads.

It sounds great,
but it's all lies.

Well, uh, maybe you could
place your own ad.

Oh, hey, and, hey,
lie about yourself.

- Yeah, that's right.
- Yeah.

Billy, if you place your own ad

instead of answering
other people's

you'll get the kind of woman
that you really want.

- And we'll help you write it.
- Yeah.

Now, listen, kids,
I'm not opposed

to placin' one of those ads

but it would really have
to be honest.

- Okay?
- You want honesty? No problem.

Lonely immigrant needs date.
No questions asked.

Oh! Come on!
I didn't mean that honest.

Okay. Okay.
Yo! Yo! Yo! How about this?

Poor Scottish dude
is seekin' a date.

Oh, that sounds dreadful.

Couldn't we color it up a bit,
you know

without lying, I mean.

Sure. You don't
have to say Scottish.

It sounds better to say British.

- 'Yeah!'
- 'He's right.'

And, Billy,
you're not just a teacher

you're a scholar.

B-but scholar sounds so stuffy.
You've traveled the world.

I mean, Nepal, Australia,
Africa, right?

- Right.
- Scholar adventurer.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

That's not too much
of a stretch.

No. We need somethin' else.

We gotta put in somethin'
about your looks.

Oh. I think he looks ethereal.

Ethereal?
How does somebody look ethereal?

I think
he's sort of rugged-looking.

- 'Yes!'
- 'Uh-huh. Uh-huh.'

No. No. He's too sensitive
to look rugged.

- 'Yeah.'
- Okay. You're cute.

[chuckles]
He's not cute, he's a grown man.

He's...handsome.

No! No! No! No! Please, girls.

I'm not handsome.
I'm kind of, uh..

Attractive.

In-in a manly way.

- Right. Right. Right.
- Okay.

Alright. Let's see
what we got here, hang on.

"Attractive, British scholar
adventurer is desperate."

- We can't write desperate.
- Okay. Okay.

- Change desperate to yearning.
- 'Yeah!'

Yearning. Yearning.
Yearning for a date?

No. No. No.
A meaningful relationship.

- 'Yeah.'
- Meaningful rel..

- Okay. What about poor?
- No. Rich.

Oh, no. That's what
I was talkin' about before.

I don't want to lie.

- Very, very poor.
- Oh, come on.

Just because money isn't top
of my list of priorities?

Okay. Money no object.

Hey, I've got it.
Non-materialistic.

- Yeah!
- That's right.

Alright. Alright. Alright.
Let's listen. Here.

"Attractive, non-materialistic,
British scholar-adventurer

yearning
for meaningful relationship."

- 'Oh!'
- That's great!

Sounds great, but it's not me.

That's Lawrence
of bloody Arabia, you know?

[indistinct chatter]

Goodnight.

Hello? Yeah.

I'd like to place an ad
in your personal section.

Yeah.

Attractive, non-materialistic

British scholar-adventurer.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

- Good morning, kids.
- Hey, Billy.

Did you get any replies
to our ad?

What? Fantastic!
I got dozens. Look.

Oh, see? Never underestimate
the power of the big lie.

So which one
are you gonna call?

This one looks really promising.
Look at this.

"Southern belle
who loves foreign travel

"Bloomsbury Set
and Wilson Pickett.

College graduate. Warmth
more important than wealth."

Apart from the Southern belle
part, this sounds like me.

- So call her up.
- Yeah. Call her.

I don't know. I-I don't know
if it's such a good idea.

I mean, this is obviously
a sophisticated classy woman.

She'll see right through me.

I mean, I'm nothing like the guy
in the ad.

- Exactly. That's why it worked.
- Just call her.

[indistinct chatter]

[instrumental music]

(woman on answering machine)
'Hi, it's me, but you know
that, 'cause I'm not here.'

'Wait a second.
There is someone at the door.'

'Uh. No. It wasn't me.'

'So please, leave a message
and I'll call you back.'

'Thanks, bye.'

(Billy on answering machine)
'Hello, non-materialistic'

'British
scholar-adventurer here'

'calling in response
to your letter.'

Perhaps, we could arrange
a bit of a rendezvous

say, Cafe Espresso,
7:30 tonight?

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

Bernadette,
what a nice surprise.

Oh, well,
I must be running along.

- Oh?
- Yeah. Yeah.

I'm meeting a date
and it's a little policy of mine

never to use my best lines
in front of someone

I may have to use them on later.

I don't know how you do it.

I am surprised
that you have the strength

to pick up the chalk
in the mornings.

Oh, really? And I suppose
you're meeting someone?

- Oh, yes. Yes.
- Well, that does it.

Look, for both our sakes,
I'll find another table.

You know, I don't think
that there are any.

Well, maybe I can
meet her outside, huh?

At the tattoo parlor? Tacky.

Besides, you'll lose your table.

Good point.
Look, I just don't want you

to feel uncomfortable here
when you look over and see

what you're missin' out on.

You know, I'm going to enjoy
every oily word you ooze

at that poor, unsuspecting,
innocent female.

The woman I'm meeting is
neither poor, nor unsuspecting.

And when it comes to innocence,
I'll see she gets a fair trial.

- I bet you will.
- Hm.

So who are you meeting?
The Prince of Wales?

How'd you know?

Hm..

[sighs]

[whistling]

I thought the fire drill today
was extraordinary.

Yep.

That was one hell
of a fire drill.

Oh, well,
if you're not gonna talk

you might want to hear
some air piano, huh?

[humming]
I'm very good at it, you know?

I can do cross hands
and everything.

[humming]

Air piano? Oh.

[humming]

Do you know,
if you don't mind my saying

I don't think much of your date.

Well, you are not dating
my date, are you?

Neither are you, apparently.

The man must be a bloody fool.

I mean, look at you.
You're an incredible goddess.

Sitting in here,
whiling the time away

in a sleazy coffee bar.
He needs his head examined.

You're flattering me again
and I don't buy it.

Well, let's go and eat someplace

and I'll tell you
how ugly you are.

Well, I, no,
I-I couldn't do that.

Although, it is 'cause it'd be
kind of ridiculous, isn't it?

[laughs]

Look, maybe you could
explain something to me.

How do you get to meet people
in this city?

- What's wrong with her?
- Oh.

Nice legs. Unfortunately,
there seem to be four of them.

[chuckles]

Is it really a problem for you?

Yeah.

Well, what about those people
from back home?

I mean, there must be
lots of them here.

I'm sure there are.

I mean,
this place is supposed to be

the big melting pot, isn't it?

But in this town,
there's a little Italy

there's a little Tokyo,
there's no little Scotland.

When I feel homesick,
I have to go to Chinatown.

Why Chinatown?

It reminds me
of the one in Glasgow.

I'm sorry.

I-it never occurred to me
that you might be lonely here.

Well, I'm not so much lonely.

I just find it difficult
to meet people.

Well, New York
is a difficult city.

Difficult for me. Easy for you.

Easy?

Well, for a gorgeous creature
like you

there must be hundreds of guys
dying to meet you.

I guess that's what happened
to my date.

Like to settle
for a live one who shows up.

Have you ever considered
taking an ad in the personals?

Me? Oh, no! No.

I couldn't. No. I wouldn't.

Forget it. Ha.

You know, the people
that place those ads

they're flakes.

Oh. I'm-I'm sure some very,
very nice people place ads.

Mind you, I'm sure the ones
who answer them are a bit flaky.

Oh, I wouldn't say that at all.
No, I wouldn't.

I disagree with you. I think..

I think some of them
are seriously looking for a..

A real relationship,
I guess.

[laughing]

I don't, I don't suppose you
were here in response to one--

An ad? No. No. No. No. No.

[laughing]

No. Of course not. No.

- Are you here because--
- Oh, no way. No way.

The very thought.. Ha-ha-ha!

Have you ever read those things?

Oh. There are so funny,
aren't they?

- Ooh! Yes, they are.
- Oh, dear.

You know, the people
try to make themselves

like, so good in their ads.

It's just like my mama
always used to say to me.

She'd say, "Sugar,
the rosier the words

the thornier the man."

I'm sorry?

Oh. It's, uh,
it's an expression.

An old southern expression.

- Oh. Y-you're southern?
- Yeah.

Well, I-I lived in the south,
if that's what you mean.

- So..
- Okay.

- You're Southern belle.
- Oh, my God.

Non-materialistic
British adventurer-scholar.

Oh, my God!

[indistinct mumbling]

Utterly humiliating!

Scholar-adventurer

is not as humiliating
as Southern belle.

Oh! Well, that's true.

What are we gonna do?

I don't.. You know, I think..

Uh, I think I-I can't stay here.

- I really can't.
- Why?

Because I'm really embarrassed.

Yeah, well, it's embarrassing,
but come on, it's funny.

It's not funny. Listen, um..

I would really appreciate this

if you didn't mention this
to anybody.

Oh, the IHP will be desperate
to know. Ha-ha-ha!

- You wouldn't.
- Oh, they'll be dying for me--

- Oh, you couldn't. No.
- Oh.

Listen, I think
it'd be inappropriate

if you discuss this,
I would tell you

it's against school policy,
Billy.

Please, would you listen to me?

(Arvid)
'I don't know about this, guys.'

(Dennis)
Okay. That's it.
Everybody back up.

Let's give him some room.
Give him some room.

Okay. Arvid,
you're gonna be fine.

- Now, you feel good?
- No.

Sarah, get his crash helmet on.

Okay, Arvid, this suit
was especially designed

so that you can't get hurt.

Yeah, Arvid,
we designed it with three inches

of concentrated
polyurethane foam.

Yeah. And all the joints have
been vacuum molded to fit you.

Okay, buddy, you're set.

Get ready to fall down
the stairs, alright?

I'm gonna go ahead and make sure
that Aristotle

is ready with the F-stop,
he got everything..

[Dennis screaming]

[indistinct chatter]

[indistinct chatter]

Listen, I'm-I'm okay. I'm okay.

Aristotle broke my fall.

[instrumental music]

So how was your date
last night, Billy?

- 'Yeah!'
- Yeah!

Yeah, Billy,
give us a full report.

Well, I don't know if I should
tell you anything about her.

I've been kind of sworn
to secrecy on it.

But what the heck?
How can I describe her?

She was very beautiful, blond

intelligent and very sexy.

A bit like, mm, Kathleen Turner.

Wow! So, Billy,
you think you'll see her again?

Oh! And again
and again and again. Yes.

Oh, yes, Bernadette?

I, uh, have some papers
for you to sign.

Oh, good.

While I'm looking at these

perhaps, you could, uh

attempt to answer this question.

Pierre and Marie Curie.

Will and Ariel Durant.

Elizabeth and Robert Dole.

Elizabeth Taylor
and Richard Burton.

What do they all have in common?

[indistinct chatter]

They all met at work.

Of course. None of them
worked at Fillmore.

Oh, I don't know,
what about the shop teacher

and the lady with the hairnet
who works in the cafeteria?

They've been married
for 23 years.

Really?

No, but wouldn't it be great
if they were?

I like her. Don't you?

[clamoring]

[theme music]