All language subtitles for Head.Of.The.Class.S05E04_2

[theme music]

- Morning, Billy.
- Ah, Bernadette.

Hey, I was thinkin'
of callin' you

from my lonely,
over-priced bachelor apartment.

I still don't seem to have
your phone number anyplace.

I.. You know, I don't think.
I mean, we hardly--

Oh, I know we hardly,
but don't you think

we shouldly, eventually?

Possibly, but not immediately.

Isn't she adorable?

I've always thought so.

[school bell ringing]

Good morning, geniuses!

(in unison)
Good morning, Billy.

Oh, I was watchin'
TV this mornin'.

On the news, it was
all about this flu epidemic.

Really terrible.

Apparently, even the pigeons
in Central Park have got it.

They showed a picture
of an old lady

feedin' them throat lozenges.

And a guy came on,
he was an older guy.

A doctor or somethin',
and he said

the best remedy
is plenty of fluids.

Now, that really confuses me

because when I've got the flu,
fluids are the problem.

'Now, I don't understand.'

No, really, and I'm speakin'
as an adult, or as near adult

as I'm ever gonna be.

But I don't understand
the whole process.

I don't understand
why my nose is like this.

It's like bad design
as far as I'm concerned.

Surely, a nose should be
the other way up.

It's badly designed.
It's just upside down.

It should be the other way up
to keep that stuff in.

But then, if you sneeze

you will have two partings
in your hair, wouldn't you?

And of course,
you would drown in the rain.

I never really thought of that.

But look,
we're talkin' about the flu.

There are various kinds of flu.

There is Siberian flu,
there's Hong Kong flu

and this may take you
by surprise

there is Scottish flu,
but it isn't contagious.

'Cause as you well know,
Scotsmen give nothing away.

♪ Ta-ra-ra-ra-ra ♪♪

I made it. I'm here.

Congratulations.

Did-did you take attendance yet?

No, I was just about to.

- Everybody here?
- Yeah.

Great.
Well, I was gonna explain--

- Uh-uh, in the book, please.
- Sorry?

Uh, I-I want it
duly recorded that

Arvid Engen did attend
school on this day.

Sure.

Engen, Engen, Engen, Engen.
Ah, here we are.

Consider it duly recorded.

Thank you.

- Arvid!
- Arvid, are you alright?

- Arvid.
- Arvid.

Hey, Arvid, you okay?

I-I'm fine. Why?

Because you look like somethin'
the cat dragged in.

Changed its mind
and dragged back out again.

Came back in, threw up,
went back out

dragged it further away,
and died!

Oh-oh, that. Yeah.
I-I've just got the flu.

[all gasp]

I-I can't even say it
without, without..

(all)
Oh, oh, oh!

What's the guy
doin' here anyway?

I mean, if he stayed home
for one day

the world wouldn't
grind to a halt, would it?

Yeah, well,
welcome to Arvid's world.

I'm tellin' you,
the guy hasn't missed

one day of school
since first grade.

Uh, excuse me, Billy.

Oh, you've changed
your mind. Delightful.

So, what's your phone number?

I'm not gonna
come in here anymore

if you're gonna
tease me like this.

Well, let's go outside, then.

- I need your help.
- Anything.

Well, it's this flu epidemic.

I'm not a doctor.
I do play doctor, however.

Okay, I'm serious. Please.

Mr. Ogburn is flat on his back,
and I haven't got anybody

to coach the kids
for the Shakespeare competition.

- And you'd like me to do it.
- Well..

I am deeply honored.
Consider it done.

And I can assure you, I will be
the very best coach ever

in the history
of the Shakespeare competition.

- Just one thing.
- What's that?

What is the
Shakespeare competition?

Well, all the honors
English classes from

the different schools do one
scene each for this competition.

And it's judged
by major critics. It's fabulous.

And this year,
I finally managed to get them

to hold it here at Fillmore.
So, will you do it?

"I wouldst rather mine eyes
be plucked from my head

than deny thy lips' request."

That's beautiful,
but that's not Shakespeare.

You're beautiful,
and you're not Shakespeare.

Well, uh, auditorium,
three o'clock?

Woo-hoo!

- 'Okay!'
- 'What happened?'

Settle down.

Tell me, who's in
the honors English class?

- Oh, we are.
- Of course.

Honors history, honors English,
honors chemistry.

And I'm standing in
for Mr. Ogburn incidentally.

(in unison)
Oh, good.

Arvid, why don't you
call it a day?

I can't.
If I say I'm here, I'm here.

- In your condition?
- Oh, it's nothing.

Just a little,
uh, pain in my joints, uh

runny nose, stomach ache,
abdominal cramps, uh

swollen glands,
dizziness, dry cough.

My teeth hurt,
and I have a sinus headache.

Alas! Poor Arvid.

I knew him, Horatio.

Oh, and I've gotta do that
stupid Shakespeare competition.

Arvid, he's takin'
over the competition.

You don't like Shakespeare?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir,
but I'm a math major.

I mean, when am I
ever gonna go, "Hark!"

You just harked a minute ago.

[laughing]

Arvid, you don't need to come

to the Shakespeare rehearsal
after school.

I'm excusing you.

Now, hey, my perfect attendance
record means I attend

every class, every after-school
function I sign up for.

- Give it up, bro.
- Eh, I said I'm fine.

[coughing]
You see.

Arvid, would you please
stop breathing on me?

I'm not breathing on you.
Am I, am-am I breathing on her?

No! You're breathin' on me.

Oh, what do you want me to do?
Stop breathing?

(all)
Yes!

[instrumental music]

Hey, hey, hey.
Whoa, whoa, listen.

I like Shakespeare too.

But sayin' it in front of people

while wearing leotards
and a feathered cap, no.

No, no, Eric,
you've got it wrong.

Shakespeare needn't
be like that.

When Shakespeare's done properly

it is absolutely fantastic,
I assure you.

I mean, what's not to like?

It's got lust and passion.

Envy, jealousy, hate, war.

Murder, treason,
treachery and lust. Oh!

You said lust twice already.

It's lust, the one emotion
that unites all creatures.

Lust and passion.

And I'll tell you
somethin' else.

We're gonna win
this competition

because we're gonna bring
Shakespeare to life.

Yes!

Oh, good.
Then why don't I just lie down?

Oh!

Arvid,
are you comfortable there?

I'm sure you must have
a very good bed at home.

I shall not go hometh.

Okay.
So, what were we doing?

Um, the final scene
of "As You Like It."

- Yeah!
- That's right.

Perfect, this is going
to be brilliant.

- Who's who?
- Duke Senior.

[indistinct chatter]

- Silvius!
- Right.

So-so, who's my Orlando?

Oh, Lord..

"Good duke,
receive thy daughter.

"Hymen from heaven brought her.

"That thou mightst
join her hand with his

"whose heart
within his bosom is.

To you I give myself,
for I am yours."

"To you I give myself,
for I am yours."

"If truth be in sight

you are my Rosalind."

Oh, God.
I think I'm gonna be sick.

Get off of me, man.

Yeah, that's my boyfriend.

If you're breathin' on him,
you're breathin' on me.

Let's go, baby.

[sneezes]

Hey, listen,
shall we take a break here?

No, no. I'm fine.

I don't need
any special treatment.

Let's just, uh,
continue on, shall we?

Phoebe.

Uh..

"If sight and shape be true,
why then my love.."

[sneezes]

Oh, Simone!

Oh, I don't feel so good.

- Simone. Great.
- Oh.

Well, Arvid, your enthusiasm
is certainly catching.

[instrumental music]

Good morning, geniuses!

(all)
Morning, Billy.

What's wrong with this picture?

- Six more flu victims.
- 'Hmm.'

Who's missing?

Uh, Phoebe, Jacques,
Duke Senior, Audrey

William, Rosalind,
oh, and of course

the Prince of Infection,
Orlando.

Orlando, you mean, uh, Arvid
stayed home after all that?

- 'Yeah.'
- 'Yeah.'

Well, we have to do
a different scene.

There's fewer people.
Let me see who've we got.

Eric, Viki, Darlene.

Alex and Dennis.

[sneezes]

And Arvid.

Just make sure
you put it in the..

[sneezes]

...attendance book.

Arvid, go home.

I-I-I-I can't believe
I'm hearing this.

I mean, you're a teacher.

A man dedicated to encouraging
young people to learn

and you're telling me
not to come to school?

Yes.

[sneezes]

Never!

So, you miss a day, so what?

[scoffs]

Miss a day of school.

I have not missed
a day of school

since the first day
of the first grade.

That is a grand total
of 2248 days.

I have gone to school
through subway strikes

riots, floods. I..

I hitchhiked home
from a family vacation

when they wanted
to stay an extra day.

And let me tell you, it's not
easy to leave the whole family

at the
General Electric Science Fair

when everyone else gets to
have a good time. No, sir!

I went to school
with bad haircuts.

I went with acne pimples.

I went to school the morning
I started shaving.

I had 50 little pieces
of toilet paper

all over my face.

And I looked like a..

I looked like
a badly-plucked chicken

but still, I went to school.

In junior high school,
the mayor wanted

to give me an award
for perfect attendance.

But I said, forget it. Why?

Because it would have meant
missing a day of school.

No, I cannot stay home!
I will not stay home!

Not after all
I have been through.

[panting]

Arvid, son.

Nobody appreciates
attendance more than I do.

Did I mention to you

that I wrote my dissertation
on attendance?

Believe me,
I'm hipped to that thrill

that you get when
you say, "Here."

But there comes a time--

- Forget it.
- What?

- You can't make me go home.
- Huh?

He can't make me!
My mother can't make me!

This thing is bigger
than all of us.

I'm tellin' you to go home.

[laughs]
Oh, no.

I have worked too hard,
suffered too much

to let some two-bit principal
tell me what to do

and ruin my record.
I.. Uh, uh..

[sneezes]

"Two-bit principal?"

Why, you-you,
you can't talk that way to me.

If I say something here,
it goes. My words obeyed.

Now, if I see you here tomorrow,
I'm going to..

I'm going to..

You see that?
Nobody can stop me.

I will have the perfect
attendance record.

[dramatic music]

[instrumental music]

Hi, how's
the Shakespeare scene coming?

Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!

I think you'll find it
as you like it.

- Shakespearean humor.
- It's very cute.

Uh, Mr. MacGregor,
uh, Billy, uh..

I've given the matter
a lot of thought

and I've concluded
there is really no reason

why you shouldn't have
my phone number.

I mean, after all,
we are working

on the Shakespeare competition.

And you might need it for work.

In the event of an emergency.

How very mature.

And what exactly is an emergency
as far as you're concerned?

Perhaps, if I fell off
my bicycle, broke my leg maybe.

- Yes, that's an emergency.
- Hm.

And if, of course,
if I caught this flu thing.

- That?
- Yes. That's an emergency.

Yeah.

And then, of course,
if I was a wee-bit randy.

Can I take that
as a maybe, huh?

[school bell ringing]

Good morning, geniuses!

- Morning.
- Good morning.

What, there are of ya.

Eric, why don't you join
the rest?

Will take the bad look
off this place.

We'll pretend
we have a class, huh?

[coughing]

I just came in
to check things out.

I'm going right back home.

How's the Shakespeare
competition going?

Fine, fine.

Y-y-you're down to four people.

Maybe you ought to
call this thing off.

No, no, we can do the scene
with only four people in it.

We're gonna win this thing.

[coughing]

It's a good thing
Arvid stayed home.

Day 2249. Put it in the book.

That's it.
I'm takin' you to the hospital--

Actually, actually,
I've much fewer symptoms today.

I'm down to loss of equilibrium,
and diarrhea.

- Oh.
- Alright!

I'm down to four students
and a walking cadaver.

Yes, but I'm here.
Put it in the book.

Oh! Put it in the book.
Put it in the book.

Arvid's big achievement.
Put it.. I'll tell you what.

I'll put it in
the front of the book.

What do you want, Arvid?

The Nobel Prize for attendance?

Or maybe, maybe, they'll give
you an Academy award.

I'd like to accept this award
on behalf of the little people

who helped me to achieve it.

The bus driver,
the crossing guard.

Oh, yes, and my alarm clock.
Or maybe..

Maybe they'll name
a national holiday after you.

"Arvid Engen Day."

'Only, instead of givin'
the people a day off'

they'll have to turn up at work.

What is this perfect attendance
thing anyway?

It's not so impressive.

Everybody in prison
has perfect attendance.

Everybody in Forest Lawn

has perfect attendance.

"And God made the earth

"and the heavens in six days.

And on the seventh, he rested."

But Arvid Engen showed up!

In the book.

(Billy)
'Come settle.'

[indistinct chatter]

Alex, you're Macbeth.
Eric, Banquo, okay?

Banquo? That's a big part.

Would you want to be a witch?

Okay, okay. I'll be Banquo.

Who's the third witch?

(Billy)
You are.

Oh, incidentally,
I borrowed some chicken soup

from the cafeteria,
it'll have to double

as witch's brew for now.

Witch's brew would have been
better, believe me.

Okay, ladies.

"Round about the cauldron go

"in the poison'd
entrails throw.

"Swelter'd venom sleeping got

boil thou first
in the charmed pot."

[cackles]

Stop, Arvid.
Don't drink from that.

Oh, no, it's okay.
I drank from it earlier.

[spits]

[instrumental music]

Hey, listen.
Arvid, I've been thinkin'.

T-this whole Shakespeare thing,
it was okay

when I was one
of 12 people, and I

I could just sorta hang
in the back

and you'll nave and varlet
and stuff like that.

But-but now, it's just me
and you and Alex and Viki

out there in front
of all those people.

It's scary.

Why are you talkin'
to me like this?

You mean like sharing feelings?

I mean, like sharing airspace.

I mean, like someone who doesn't
care if they get the flu.

That's my point.
I want you to make me sick.

I can't. Eric, we need you.

You know, I'm not so crazy
about Shakespeare either, but..

I mean,
I-I'm committed to this thing

and I'm going through with it.

Arvid, just breathe in my face.

[exhales]

Thank you.

You're welcome.

[instrumental music]

"Here's to my love.

"O true apothecary!

"Thy drugs are quick.

"Thus..

"...with a kiss..

...I die."

You know, I am startin'
to feel a little better.

I don't care, Arvid.

Stay dead till Viki
does her lines.

We're on a winner here.

Okay, b-b-but seriously,
I mean, check my eyes.

I think they're startin'
to clear up.

He's right,
his eyes look a lot better.

Yeah.

[coughing]

I still have the cough.

[coughing]

[instrumental music]

[school bell ringing]

Morning, genius!

Morning, Billy!

I'm feeling a whole lot better.

I'm thrilled, Arvid.

Shakespeare competition's
tonight.

You're the only one here.
You must be very happy.

Yes, sir, I am proud to know

that I am the one
who toughed it out.

Of course, you've made
several people gravely ill.

I mean,
I feel terrible about that.

But I mean,
it's something I had to do.

We're talkin' about
12 years of dedication

as opposed to one week
of Shakespeare.

I mean, of course, I am sorry

I ruined that whole
Shakespeare thing.

Oh, you didn't ruin it,
you inherited it.

Oh, you're about to do it.

On your own.

W-w-what? I can't.

And I can't get up on stage
and say all those things.

I-I-I'll be awful, I mean,
Sarah and Simone and Darlene

they love Shakespeare,
they're great.

I don't even understand him.

But he understands you.

And when you understand that,
you'll understand him.

Understand?

No.

Well, look at you.

You're ruthless,
ambitious, determined.

I was, wasn't I?

S-so was Macbeth.

He was absolutely determined
to become King of Scotland

that he squashed anyone
who got in his road.

Mind you,
he didn't give them the flu.

- I said I was sorry.
- So did Macbeth.

Maybe you're Hamlet.

- I am?
- You will be.

Read this.

Yeah?

Out loud, Arvid.

- "To be--"
- Right. To be.

To be perfect.
To have perfect attendance.

Or anything else that means
the whole world to you. Read.

"Or not to be--"

Or not to have
perfect attendance.

And feel the desperate
emptiness of failure.

"Whether it would be
nobler in the mind

to suffer the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune--"

In other words, stay home.

"Or to take arms
against a sea of troubles

and by opposing, end them."

To pursue your perfect
attendance record

even if it means
all your friends gettin' sick.

Well, you're right.
That's me exactly.

[instrumental music]

Yes, yes.

"Thus..

"...conscience does make
cowards of us all.

"And thus the native
hue of resolution

"is sicklied o'er
with a pale cast of thought.

"And enterprises
of great pith and moment.

"With this regard,
their currents turn awry.

And lose the name of action."

Ha. Yes, yes, yes.

Excuse me, Bill.
Um, um.. Mr. Billy.

I'm gettin' to her.
She's losin' her mind.

It's about
the Shakespeare competition.

We are gonna knock
their socks off.

And, listen, I was thinkin'

why don't we go together?
As colleagues, of course.

I'm afraid, there's not gonna be
anything to go to.

I just got off the phone with
one of the other high schools

and they've all been hit
really hard with this flu.

So, the whole thing's
been postponed.

I'm sorry, Arvid. I-I'm as
disappointed as you are.

Not necessarily.

Maybe we could go dancin' some
place, as colleagues, of course.

Of course, on the day
that Arvid doesn't show up.

Arvid, you really were good.

I'm only sorry no one's gonna
get a chance to see it.

Well, that's okay.

Hey, look on the bright side.

It's day 2252
and I am still here.

Whoo!

- Well?
- What?

- In the book.
- The book.

Here.

[Billy coughing]

Arvid, I.. Before..
Oh, excuse me.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]