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1
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[theme music]
2
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- Mm-mm-mm.
- Mm-mm.
3
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You know, it's nice to see
the flag displayed in a way
4
00:00:14,055 --> 00:00:18,725
that makes me proud
to be an American.
5
00:00:18,768 --> 00:00:20,978
Yeah, you know,
personally, I don't believe
6
00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:22,231
in burning the flag
7
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but I don't mind Viki
8
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warming it up a little bit.
9
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Morning, Bernadette.
10
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Did you know, all my life
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I wanted to come to Manhattan?
12
00:00:31,156 --> 00:00:32,986
Broadway, Central Park
13
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:35,743
the Empire State Building,
museums
14
00:00:35,785 --> 00:00:39,115
the spectacular profanity
of taxi drivers.
15
00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:41,004
But it isn't only
the cabbies around here
16
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:42,541
who've got an attitude,
you know?
17
00:00:42,584 --> 00:00:44,464
Boy, I stopped at a newsstand
this mornin'.
18
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I was gonna get a magazine.
19
00:00:45,754 --> 00:00:48,014
Well, you don't just rush up
and grab a magazine.
20
00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:49,258
You have a little browse.
21
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The guy looks out
his wee window, he says
22
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"Hey, this isn't a beep library
23
00:00:54,012 --> 00:00:56,512
you beep, beep."
24
00:00:56,556 --> 00:00:59,226
You know what, I went in
to a toy shop to buy a doll
25
00:00:59,267 --> 00:01:00,557
for my little niece in Scotland.
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I saw a lovely one,
little freckly face
27
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a button nose, pigtails.
28
00:01:04,939 --> 00:01:06,779
Lovely wee face,
and a wee bit of string up.
29
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I pulled the string,
the dolly said
30
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"Hey, pull your own string,
you beep, beep, beep!"
31
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Hey, Arvid, how's it goin'?
32
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Oh, not so good, Viki.
33
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I can't find anybody to go
34
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to the Mensa teen dance with me,
Friday.
35
00:01:19,329 --> 00:01:22,669
Mm. Mensa? Those are the people
with the high IQs, right?
36
00:01:22,707 --> 00:01:25,917
- Yeah.
- Well, my IQ is over a 140.
37
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:27,130
- Oh, really?
- Mm-hmm.
38
00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:28,760
Oh, you'd be great.
39
00:01:28,797 --> 00:01:32,087
Anyway, I can't find anybody
to go with me, as usual.
40
00:01:32,133 --> 00:01:34,593
And, yeah, much less, anyone
who would enjoy hanging out
41
00:01:34,636 --> 00:01:35,926
with those people.
42
00:01:35,970 --> 00:01:38,390
Well, Arvid, what about me?
43
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What about you?
44
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I'd like to go.
45
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- Uh, yeah?
- Yes.
46
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[stammering]
Uh-uh, we.. Uh, uh, sure.
47
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I mean, that-that'd be great.
48
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- Um, 7 o'clock?
- Great.
49
00:01:50,318 --> 00:01:52,198
Oh, what'll the other girls
be wearing?
50
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Uh, I don't know, uh..
51
00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:57,615
- Glasses.
- Arvid, you're so funny.
52
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This town is so expensive.
53
00:01:59,661 --> 00:02:03,921
Just to exist here, I'm gonna
have to get a second job.
54
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I'm fine. Thank you.
55
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Oh, I'm sorry, Bernadette.
56
00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:09,416
You know,
I just went on a bit there.
57
00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:11,012
I get kind of carried away,
you know?
58
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Look, do you think
you could put me on the list
59
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for one of those tutoring jobs?
60
00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:16,928
Because, look,
I-I'd love to afford
61
00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:18,180
those wee luxuries in life
62
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like paying the rent and eating.
You know what I mean?
63
00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:23,311
Okay, but don't get
your hopes up, Billy
64
00:02:23,351 --> 00:02:25,231
because the tutoring jobs
are given out
65
00:02:25,270 --> 00:02:26,730
on the basis of seniority.
66
00:02:26,771 --> 00:02:28,401
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
67
00:02:28,439 --> 00:02:29,899
What am I gonna do?
68
00:02:29,941 --> 00:02:31,281
How about bartending?
69
00:02:31,317 --> 00:02:33,187
I mean, some of the teachers
moonlight as bartenders.
70
00:02:33,236 --> 00:02:34,486
They say the money's very good.
71
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Look, I've done that at home.
72
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It's really easy there.
73
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The people come in, they want
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00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:39,620
a pint or a half pint
75
00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:41,329
or a whiskey or something.
76
00:02:41,369 --> 00:02:43,789
But here, the drinks
have got such strange names.
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I'd never get it straight.
78
00:02:44,873 --> 00:02:47,083
You know, a blue lady
and a pink lady
79
00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:50,295
and a purple this
and a green the other.
80
00:02:50,336 --> 00:02:53,256
Yes, screwdrivers
and boilermakers.
81
00:02:53,298 --> 00:02:55,218
There's even one
made from a coffee liquor
82
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called an Orgasm.
83
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- Really?
- Hm.
84
00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:01,215
I know I've never had one.
85
00:03:03,808 --> 00:03:07,148
- The drink.
- Of course. Of course.
86
00:03:10,481 --> 00:03:13,191
[instrumental music]
87
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- Morning!
- Good morning.
88
00:03:16,237 --> 00:03:19,487
You guys, is it true?
Arvid went on a date with Viki?
89
00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:20,622
- Yes.
- 'Yeah.'
90
00:03:20,658 --> 00:03:22,368
And I bet
she's learned her lesson.
91
00:03:22,410 --> 00:03:24,620
She had a chance
to go out with me.
92
00:03:24,662 --> 00:03:25,712
- Or me.
- Mm-hmm.
93
00:03:25,747 --> 00:03:27,327
Instead, she wound up with Arvid
94
00:03:27,373 --> 00:03:29,543
'the chic of geek.'
95
00:03:29,584 --> 00:03:31,674
Now she's too embarrassed
to face me.
96
00:03:31,711 --> 00:03:34,341
- Or me.
- You two are so wonderful.
97
00:03:34,380 --> 00:03:36,760
Have you ever thought
of going out with each other?
98
00:03:36,799 --> 00:03:38,469
[laughing]
99
00:03:38,509 --> 00:03:41,799
And anyway, how do you know
they're not having a great time?
100
00:03:41,846 --> 00:03:42,926
Maybe they're still on the date.
101
00:03:42,972 --> 00:03:44,682
Maybe they've run away
to be married.
102
00:03:44,724 --> 00:03:47,524
Maybe even as we speak,
they're in Las Vegas
103
00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:50,980
saying, "I do"
to an Elvis impersonator.
104
00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:54,530
Maybe they've just checked in
to the honeymoon suite
105
00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:56,777
of the Arabian Nights
Westward whole white
106
00:03:56,819 --> 00:03:58,779
kinky lodge motel, right?
107
00:03:58,821 --> 00:04:01,241
Viki's in the room
trying on the trousseau.
108
00:04:01,282 --> 00:04:04,702
Arvid slipping a quarter
into the magic finger's bed.
109
00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:08,544
Hits the jackpot and they're
both being tickled to death.
110
00:04:08,581 --> 00:04:11,881
Or maybe they've just
walked into the room
111
00:04:11,918 --> 00:04:14,838
as if nothing ever happened.
112
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[indistinct whispering]
113
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- Oh, okay. I guess.
- Thanks.
114
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[instrumental music]
115
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I had so much fun
this weekend, Arvid.
116
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Oh, I forgot. There's
a veal demonstration tonight.
117
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- Do you wanna come?
- Oh, sure. I love veal.
118
00:04:39,904 --> 00:04:42,874
No. Arvid, it's not
that kind of demonstration.
119
00:04:42,907 --> 00:04:45,827
It's one to convince people
not to eat veal.
120
00:04:45,868 --> 00:04:48,578
Oh. Uh, oh, I can't make it.
121
00:04:48,621 --> 00:04:50,081
I-I've got a biology project due
122
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:52,083
and I've got fungi propagating.
123
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:53,575
I-I mean, in class, not on me.
124
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[laughing]
125
00:04:54,919 --> 00:04:56,839
Anyway, if there's ever
a protest against, um
126
00:04:56,879 --> 00:04:59,169
oh, diced carrots, let me know.
127
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- Arvid, you are so cute.
- Yeah.
128
00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:03,927
Well, you know, my mother always
told me I was a good catch.
129
00:05:03,970 --> 00:05:07,520
I think that was because
I always make my own bed.
130
00:05:07,557 --> 00:05:09,387
Oh, come on, Arvid,
don't you wanna help save
131
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a poor little
defenseless baby cow
132
00:05:11,185 --> 00:05:14,975
from a cruel and horrific death?
It'll be fun!
133
00:05:15,898 --> 00:05:18,818
- Well, if you put it that way.
- Okay.
134
00:05:18,860 --> 00:05:20,990
- Bye.
- Bye.
135
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Hey, Arvid,
you're an inspiration
136
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to social misfits everywhere.
137
00:05:26,117 --> 00:05:27,197
Thanks.
138
00:05:27,243 --> 00:05:30,543
Can you give me any hints on how
to get a girl to go out with me?
139
00:05:30,580 --> 00:05:33,960
Uh, sure. Just, um, go for it.
140
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:36,750
- Go for what?
- It.
141
00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:40,920
- What does that mean?
- I don't know.
142
00:05:40,965 --> 00:05:43,755
Well, I didn't pay
much attention to Viki.
143
00:05:43,801 --> 00:05:46,141
And, uh, uh, I just
kind of played it cool
144
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:48,719
and before I knew it,
she asked me out.
145
00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:50,015
Right.
146
00:05:50,516 --> 00:05:51,476
Uh..
147
00:05:51,517 --> 00:05:53,347
- Hi, Sarah.
- Oh, hi.
148
00:05:53,394 --> 00:05:56,314
Um, t-there's a great movie
playing at the Metropolitan.
149
00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:59,476
"Cinema Paradiso." It's great.
I think you'll really like it.
150
00:05:59,525 --> 00:06:01,775
- Oh?
- Yeah, you should go.
151
00:06:01,819 --> 00:06:05,279
- Okay, maybe I will.
- Okay.
152
00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:14,206
Do you think
I came on too strong?
153
00:06:17,418 --> 00:06:19,998
Hey, Arvid, I just wanna make
sure you're coming over tonight
154
00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:21,796
to work
on our bacteria cultures.
155
00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:24,929
Oh. Uh, Dennis, I'm-I'm sorry,
I made other plans.
156
00:06:24,967 --> 00:06:27,797
Fine, fine, you wanna waste time
playing around with Viki
157
00:06:27,845 --> 00:06:29,055
when we could be doing
something important
158
00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:30,887
like scraping our cheese molds
159
00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:32,562
fine, Arvid.
160
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:33,890
But just remember this.
161
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Any girl that would go out
with you will go out with me.
162
00:06:38,022 --> 00:06:39,572
[laughs]
Uh, wait a minute.
163
00:06:39,607 --> 00:06:41,277
Are you saying
that I'm going out with a girl
164
00:06:41,317 --> 00:06:42,397
that would go out with you?
165
00:06:42,443 --> 00:06:44,453
[chuckles]
No. No, no, no. No, no.
166
00:06:44,487 --> 00:06:46,237
I'm saying
you're going out with a girl
167
00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:48,370
who would go out with you.
168
00:06:49,742 --> 00:06:51,162
Oh, Dennis, you're cruel.
169
00:06:51,202 --> 00:06:52,202
[instrumental music]
170
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:53,785
Mr. MacGregor, I hear
171
00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:55,710
you're having housing problems.
172
00:06:55,748 --> 00:06:57,168
That's right, Dr. Samuels.
173
00:06:57,208 --> 00:06:59,288
Then I've got two words for you.
174
00:06:59,335 --> 00:07:00,835
New Jersey.
175
00:07:01,754 --> 00:07:04,474
But I really want to live
in Manhattan.
176
00:07:04,507 --> 00:07:06,797
Then I've got two more words
for you.
177
00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:08,973
Good luck.
178
00:07:09,011 --> 00:07:11,221
Oh, Billy, uh,
I know of a second job for you.
179
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:12,684
- But it's--
- Oh, great, I'll take it.
180
00:07:12,723 --> 00:07:14,563
Well, wait a second.
Don't you wanna know what it is?
181
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:16,480
I don't care what it is.
I'll take it.
182
00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:20,059
I don't care how hard,
dangerous, disgusting it is.
183
00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:22,276
I will take it. What is it?
184
00:07:22,316 --> 00:07:25,566
Taking care of toddlers
at a day-care center.
185
00:07:28,322 --> 00:07:29,322
What else you got?
186
00:07:29,365 --> 00:07:32,655
[instrumental music]
187
00:07:33,744 --> 00:07:35,714
We've been out
three times already and he still
188
00:07:35,746 --> 00:07:37,616
hasn't tried to kiss
or grab me.
189
00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:39,955
- Wow!
- He must really like me.
190
00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:42,091
- 'Good morning, Billy.'
- Hi, girls.
191
00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:44,008
Hey, Billy, how's
your new day-care center job?
192
00:07:44,046 --> 00:07:47,716
Oh, it's great!
I love New York kids.
193
00:07:47,758 --> 00:07:49,888
Four years old and already
they know how to say
194
00:07:49,927 --> 00:07:53,257
"Hey, bug off!
I saw that taxi first."
195
00:07:54,015 --> 00:07:55,385
So what are you talking about?
196
00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:56,353
(all)
Boys.
197
00:07:56,392 --> 00:07:58,272
Oh, don't let me interrupt.
198
00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:00,151
Carry on, girls.
199
00:08:00,188 --> 00:08:03,108
W-well, you know,
Arvid sounds wonderful.
200
00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:05,189
If Eric was just
a little bit more like him
201
00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:06,694
I bet we'd still be together.
202
00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:08,146
Oh, I don't know about that,
Simone.
203
00:08:08,196 --> 00:08:11,566
I have always liked Eric.
I think he's a nice..
204
00:08:11,616 --> 00:08:15,116
- Sorry. I'm interrupting, eh?
- That's okay.
205
00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:16,581
You know, he used to be
206
00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:17,911
but lately he's been coming on
207
00:08:17,955 --> 00:08:19,495
like he's God's gift to women.
208
00:08:19,540 --> 00:08:21,000
- Yeah.
- Yes. Yeah.
209
00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:23,042
I wonder how much time he spends
combing his hair
210
00:08:23,085 --> 00:08:26,415
to make it look like he doesn't
spend any time combing his hair.
211
00:08:26,464 --> 00:08:27,674
[indistinct chatter]
212
00:08:27,715 --> 00:08:31,005
Oh, at the risk of interrupting,
if you're into good-lookin'
213
00:08:31,052 --> 00:08:33,762
I think Alan's a very
good-looking guy, don't you?
214
00:08:33,804 --> 00:08:35,564
Oh, yeah, he's cute.
215
00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:38,138
(girls)
But boring.
216
00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:42,024
As soon as he opens his mouth,
it's like turning on C-SPAN.
217
00:08:42,063 --> 00:08:43,233
[laughs]
218
00:08:43,272 --> 00:08:44,402
At least he's not like Alex.
219
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:45,820
Every time he looks at me,
I feel like
220
00:08:45,858 --> 00:08:48,358
he's undressing me
with his eyes.
221
00:08:48,402 --> 00:08:51,572
He makes me feel like
I'm wearing venetian blinds.
222
00:08:51,614 --> 00:08:54,084
Oh, come on, they can't all be
like that. What about Aristotle?
223
00:08:54,116 --> 00:08:56,946
You know, he's alright 'cause
he treats me with respect.
224
00:08:56,994 --> 00:09:00,004
- There you go.
- Ahem. More than respect.
225
00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:02,629
- Fear.
- 'Oh, dear.'
226
00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:04,087
What about Jasper?
He's a nice guy.
227
00:09:04,126 --> 00:09:05,626
Why doesn't one of you
go out with him?
228
00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:07,670
- Oh, 'cause he never asks.
- Yeah.
229
00:09:07,713 --> 00:09:10,173
- Well, Dennis, then.
- Oh, no!
230
00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:12,636
Oh, that's brutal.
Maybe that's the problem.
231
00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:14,297
You're not giving the guys
a chance.
232
00:09:14,345 --> 00:09:15,465
- Oh.
- Forget it, Billy.
233
00:09:15,513 --> 00:09:16,763
- They're hopeless.
- 'Yeah.'
234
00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:18,426
I don't believe that.
235
00:09:18,474 --> 00:09:20,694
- It's true.
- Well, except for Arvid.
236
00:09:20,726 --> 00:09:22,516
He's perfect.
237
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:24,692
Oh, excuse me.
238
00:09:24,730 --> 00:09:26,020
- Hi, Billy.
- Hi, Alex.
239
00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:28,985
- Hey, Billy.
- Hi, girls.
240
00:09:29,026 --> 00:09:30,606
Looking good.
241
00:09:32,321 --> 00:09:33,661
- What's with them?
- Hey.
242
00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:35,698
You know,
they get nervous around me.
243
00:09:35,741 --> 00:09:37,121
- Oh.
- Oh..
244
00:09:37,159 --> 00:09:38,489
Do you see what we mean, Billy?
245
00:09:38,536 --> 00:09:41,406
Well, they're less than perfect,
okay?
246
00:09:43,499 --> 00:09:45,999
- Uh, hi, Sarah.
- Oh, hi.
247
00:09:46,043 --> 00:09:48,173
Uh, did you like
"Cinema Paradiso?"
248
00:09:48,212 --> 00:09:51,302
Oh, well, I couldn't find
anybody to go see it with me.
249
00:09:51,340 --> 00:09:56,220
Oh, uh, well, I'm sure
it'll be out on video tape soon.
250
00:10:01,350 --> 00:10:03,730
Hey, Alan,
you look really good today.
251
00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:05,479
Yeah, Alan,
you look really cute.
252
00:10:05,521 --> 00:10:07,521
- Yeah.
- Well, I should hope so.
253
00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:10,225
This is a $120 sweater.
254
00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:15,566
Oh, Alan,
that was truly appalling.
255
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,695
Now, listen, listen,
before we go any further
256
00:10:17,742 --> 00:10:19,242
I've got an announcement
to make.
257
00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:21,075
I wanna see all the boys tonight
258
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:24,000
in my day-care center,
6 o'clock, okay?
259
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:25,120
- Why?
- Why?
260
00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:26,246
We're gonna have a little talk
261
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:27,882
about male-female relations
262
00:10:27,918 --> 00:10:30,418
a subject that you're flunking
really miserably
263
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:34,763
apart from Arvid,
who seems to be doing okay.
264
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:39,010
Uh, actually, why-why don't
I join you anyway in kibitz?
265
00:10:39,055 --> 00:10:41,675
Ah, that's okay, Arvid, don't..
266
00:10:41,724 --> 00:10:44,194
Uh, I-I-I insist.
267
00:10:44,226 --> 00:10:46,306
- 'Really? Why?'
- Uh..
268
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:49,856
Ick bay uble tray
with icky way.
269
00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:56,317
[instrumental music]
270
00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:03,294
[chuckling]
271
00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:05,579
- Hey.
- Look at this place.
272
00:11:05,623 --> 00:11:07,003
I feel like an idiot.
273
00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:09,421
What's wrong with it?
It looks just like my room.
274
00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:12,170
I haven't cleaned it up
since I was three.
275
00:11:13,005 --> 00:11:15,005
Hi, guys,
welcome to Mother Hubbard's
276
00:11:15,049 --> 00:11:16,299
Progressive Day-Care Center
277
00:11:16,342 --> 00:11:18,642
where the yuppies
park the puppies.
278
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:21,218
I'm just tidying up here.
Do make yourself at home.
279
00:11:21,263 --> 00:11:23,223
Have some animal crackers,
some juice--
280
00:11:23,265 --> 00:11:24,425
No, no, no, thanks. Listen.
281
00:11:24,475 --> 00:11:26,685
Well, can we just
get this over with?
282
00:11:26,727 --> 00:11:28,517
Oh, someone's very cranky.
283
00:11:28,562 --> 00:11:30,982
I think we need a nap. Hm?
284
00:11:31,023 --> 00:11:33,983
Billy, what do,
what do I do with this?
285
00:11:34,026 --> 00:11:36,486
Oh, Lord.
Eh, get some paper towels.
286
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:38,819
- Jasper, and wipe it up.
- Ugh.
287
00:11:38,864 --> 00:11:41,204
H-how can you stand to work
in this place, huh?
288
00:11:41,242 --> 00:11:42,282
Oh, it's great.
289
00:11:42,326 --> 00:11:44,246
They're only children
and they're brilliant.
290
00:11:44,286 --> 00:11:45,906
Children are anarchists.
291
00:11:45,955 --> 00:11:47,575
They're irrational,
they don't do anything.
292
00:11:47,623 --> 00:11:49,503
I didn't know this
until I came here.
293
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:52,252
But when you watch them,
they do weird things, children.
294
00:11:52,294 --> 00:11:55,094
They'll run into your room
and they'll sit down
295
00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:57,301
stand up and run back out.
296
00:11:57,341 --> 00:11:58,681
And you say,
"Why did you do that?"
297
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:00,758
And you get a really profound
answer, like
298
00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:02,973
"Ah, ah, ah, ah.."
299
00:12:03,013 --> 00:12:07,183
And they have the most complex
system of hand signals.
300
00:12:07,226 --> 00:12:09,266
I thought I knew it
before I came here
301
00:12:09,311 --> 00:12:10,811
but I was completely wrong.
302
00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:14,225
When a child does this,
it never means
303
00:12:14,275 --> 00:12:16,025
"Please, can I go
to the bathroom?"
304
00:12:16,068 --> 00:12:17,448
But it often means
305
00:12:17,486 --> 00:12:19,696
"I just went to the bathroom."
306
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:22,029
And it's so different
from my childhood in Scotland.
307
00:12:22,074 --> 00:12:24,584
I spent a lot of my life
like this when I was a child
308
00:12:24,618 --> 00:12:27,538
mainly going shoppin'
with my mother, like that.
309
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:30,330
Well, actually, I spent the time
walking like this
310
00:12:30,374 --> 00:12:32,464
because my mother
had sewed my gloves together
311
00:12:32,501 --> 00:12:35,671
with a piece of string,
but it wasn't..
312
00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:41,513
But it was never
the right length
313
00:12:41,552 --> 00:12:43,852
because she sewed it
to fit the coat
314
00:12:43,888 --> 00:12:46,598
but not with me in it.
315
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:48,140
So when I put my hand up
like that
316
00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:50,644
the other hand shot up
like this.
317
00:12:51,353 --> 00:12:52,733
It went like this.
318
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,482
They took me to see
my grandmother and she said
319
00:12:54,523 --> 00:12:57,113
"Give me a hug, son,"
and I went like that.
320
00:12:58,068 --> 00:13:00,358
But the children here are
so different and I love them.
321
00:13:00,404 --> 00:13:02,954
And when they leave, the place
looks like it's been attacked
322
00:13:02,990 --> 00:13:06,450
by garden snails, those little
s-sticky trails that go..
323
00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:10,374
- Whoa.
- But enough of little babies.
324
00:13:10,414 --> 00:13:13,634
Let's talk about big babies.
325
00:13:13,667 --> 00:13:16,297
Oh, look, look, look,
it's Boo-Boo.
326
00:13:16,337 --> 00:13:18,007
I had one of these
when I was little.
327
00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:21,047
Oh, do you miss me?
Yes, you did.
328
00:13:21,091 --> 00:13:22,221
T-this is ridiculous, I mean
329
00:13:22,259 --> 00:13:24,219
I don't even know
what we're doing here.
330
00:13:24,261 --> 00:13:26,311
We are here because all of you
331
00:13:26,347 --> 00:13:28,137
with the exception of Arvid
332
00:13:28,182 --> 00:13:30,182
seems to have been
having trouble with women.
333
00:13:30,226 --> 00:13:31,686
- I, well, actually--
- Wait.
334
00:13:31,727 --> 00:13:33,727
Since when did Arvid become
the yardstick
335
00:13:33,771 --> 00:13:35,311
that we measure ourselves
against?
336
00:13:35,356 --> 00:13:36,226
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
337
00:13:36,273 --> 00:13:37,653
Well, since he started going out
338
00:13:37,691 --> 00:13:38,861
with Viki, that's when.
339
00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:39,861
Right, it seems to me
340
00:13:39,902 --> 00:13:41,492
that you're all very upset
341
00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:43,409
that Arvid's going out
with Viki. Why is this?
342
00:13:43,447 --> 00:13:44,817
I mean, how is it
he gets to date a girl
343
00:13:44,865 --> 00:13:46,075
I can only dream about, huh?
344
00:13:46,116 --> 00:13:48,786
Now, wait a minute,
am I the only guy in this class
345
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:49,908
who hasn't rushed Viki?
346
00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:51,794
- Uh, well, actually--
- Arvid, please.
347
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:54,041
You're not the one here
with the problem, alright?
348
00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:55,793
Aristotle,
you've got a girlfriend.
349
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:59,835
Hey, T.J.'s not a girlfriend,
she's a sparring partner.
350
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,970
Just because I let her
push me around a little bit
351
00:14:02,007 --> 00:14:03,507
I'm supposed to be a wimp?
352
00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:05,891
So what about you, Alan?
What are you doing here?
353
00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:08,388
I thought
it was for extra credit.
354
00:14:08,430 --> 00:14:11,020
Okay, for extra credit,
what's your problem?
355
00:14:11,058 --> 00:14:13,098
Well, actually,
I don't have that much trouble
356
00:14:13,143 --> 00:14:14,353
getting girls to go out with me.
357
00:14:14,395 --> 00:14:16,685
It's, uh, getting them
to go out with me again
358
00:14:16,730 --> 00:14:18,570
that's not working.
359
00:14:18,607 --> 00:14:20,277
Well, he is doing better
than I am.
360
00:14:20,317 --> 00:14:22,987
I'm 17 years old
and I've never had a date.
361
00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:25,488
Well, why don't you just
ask somebody for a date?
362
00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:28,031
I've tried. I can't do it.
363
00:14:28,075 --> 00:14:29,575
Tsk. You can't do it?
364
00:14:29,618 --> 00:14:32,958
- Arvid, give me the teddy.
- Oh, uh..
365
00:14:32,997 --> 00:14:36,457
Arvid, I'm gonna show Jasper
something. Let me see the teddy.
366
00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:39,460
Let me see Boo-Boo.
Arvid, enough.
367
00:14:39,503 --> 00:14:42,763
Jasper,
now t-this is Boo-Boo, okay?
368
00:14:42,798 --> 00:14:45,588
Pretend Boo-Boo's a girl, right?
369
00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:52,305
Now I want you
to ask her out, right?
370
00:14:52,808 --> 00:14:54,478
Uh..
371
00:14:54,518 --> 00:14:56,938
- Oh, I-I can't do it.
- Of course you can do it.
372
00:14:56,979 --> 00:15:00,019
You're not gonna be rejected
by a teddy bear.
373
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,360
Boo-Boo..
374
00:15:03,485 --> 00:15:05,065
...uh, would
375
00:15:05,112 --> 00:15:06,572
would you like
to go out with me?
376
00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:08,034
I can't believe
I'm watching this.
377
00:15:08,073 --> 00:15:10,083
Y-y-yeah. Can I talk
about my problem now?
378
00:15:10,117 --> 00:15:13,197
Arvid, will you sit down
and shut up, please?
379
00:15:13,245 --> 00:15:15,865
Billy, I-I'll tell you, I have
done everything I can think of
380
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:18,075
to go out with girls
like Arvid gets, you know?
381
00:15:18,125 --> 00:15:20,415
I-I've been macho,
yet sensitive.
382
00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:22,301
I-I've been funny, yet deep.
383
00:15:22,338 --> 00:15:25,128
- I've been cool, yet caring.
- So what's the problem?
384
00:15:25,174 --> 00:15:28,644
Well, they find me amusing,
yet repulsive.
385
00:15:28,677 --> 00:15:30,597
But, look, what are we,
so what are we supposed to do?
386
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:33,058
I mean, I've got the best moves
in the whole school
387
00:15:33,098 --> 00:15:34,178
and nothing's happenin'.
388
00:15:34,224 --> 00:15:35,484
- Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
- Wha--
389
00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:36,847
"Nothing's happenin'?"
390
00:15:36,894 --> 00:15:40,444
"Nothing's happenin'?" You told
me you were turnin' 'em away.
391
00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:43,071
Well, lot more of them
are turning me away.
392
00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:44,648
I thought you knew
what you were doing.
393
00:15:44,693 --> 00:15:47,453
I went from being
a warm, sensitive human being
394
00:15:47,488 --> 00:15:51,028
to Mr. Macho Man 'cause I
thought it was working for you.
395
00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:53,865
Alex and Eric, strike-out kings.
396
00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:57,331
So we're all agreed,
women are impossible, right?
397
00:15:57,373 --> 00:15:58,423
- Yeah.
- Yes, right.
398
00:15:58,457 --> 00:16:00,037
Right, let's get out of here now
399
00:16:00,084 --> 00:16:03,714
we'll join a monastery and we'll
make cinnamon-scented candles
400
00:16:03,754 --> 00:16:05,514
out of beeswax, right?
401
00:16:05,547 --> 00:16:06,967
Now, wait a minute, man,
come on.
402
00:16:07,007 --> 00:16:09,087
(Billy)
'Well, that's your choice.
That's your choice.'
403
00:16:09,134 --> 00:16:12,394
You can't live with them,
so live without them.
404
00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:14,219
Alright, Billy,
we-we get the point.
405
00:16:14,264 --> 00:16:18,814
Now, Arvid,
he understands women.
406
00:16:18,852 --> 00:16:22,192
Uh, yes, which, uh,
brings me to my problem--
407
00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:24,321
If you'll just
give me a minute, Arvid.
408
00:16:24,358 --> 00:16:28,568
Arvid understands
that women are more sensitive
409
00:16:28,612 --> 00:16:30,532
and interesting than we are.
410
00:16:30,572 --> 00:16:33,782
And so he understands
all the delicate little nuances
411
00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:37,786
and women appreciate that,
and in return, they respond.
412
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:41,290
You would do very well
to watch what he does.
413
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:42,423
I-I don't do anything.
414
00:16:42,459 --> 00:16:43,959
Come on, Arvid,
Viki's crazy about you.
415
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,593
You must have done something.
416
00:16:45,629 --> 00:16:47,759
- Yeah, what'd you do?
- What'd you do?
417
00:16:47,798 --> 00:16:49,718
Well, I-I-I just, I happened
to mention to her that
418
00:16:49,758 --> 00:16:52,588
I needed someone smart to go
to the Mensa teen dance with me.
419
00:16:52,636 --> 00:16:54,846
Well, there you go.
You didn't talk down to her.
420
00:16:54,888 --> 00:16:57,138
Women really love that.
421
00:16:57,182 --> 00:16:58,852
W-we talked about
a lot of things.
422
00:16:58,892 --> 00:17:00,142
- Like what?
- Yeah.
423
00:17:00,185 --> 00:17:01,725
- Yeah.
- Well, uh, everything.
424
00:17:01,770 --> 00:17:03,690
We-we.. She wanted to talk,
so we talked.
425
00:17:03,731 --> 00:17:06,151
There you are, women really
appreciate a man who can
426
00:17:06,191 --> 00:17:08,901
hold a conversation.
What's so irrational about that?
427
00:17:08,944 --> 00:17:10,994
We talk about our problems,
our fears
428
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,780
our-our hopes, our-our dreams.
429
00:17:12,823 --> 00:17:16,913
Shared intimacies. Killer stuff.
430
00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:20,788
And, oh, and Saturday,
she came over to my house
431
00:17:20,831 --> 00:17:23,711
and, uh, we played chess.
432
00:17:25,377 --> 00:17:27,087
Uh, she beat me.
433
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:30,007
- She beat you?
- Wait a minute.
434
00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:32,049
This could be the clincher.
435
00:17:32,092 --> 00:17:34,852
When she beat you,
what did you say?
436
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:37,847
What could I say? She beat me.
I said congratulations.
437
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:39,770
Yes! Lovely! Do you notice that?
438
00:17:39,808 --> 00:17:43,598
He didn't say, "Boy, you beat
me. I must have had an off day."
439
00:17:43,645 --> 00:17:47,225
He said, "You beat me, Viki,
you're a very good player."
440
00:17:47,274 --> 00:17:49,114
Now, no wonder
the girl's nuts about him.
441
00:17:49,151 --> 00:17:51,651
He treats her
like a human being, right?
442
00:17:51,695 --> 00:17:54,655
Not like some kind of boy-toy
or wallpaper
443
00:17:54,698 --> 00:17:57,078
or something to be afraid of.
444
00:17:58,702 --> 00:18:00,202
Wow!
445
00:18:00,245 --> 00:18:01,365
You know
446
00:18:01,413 --> 00:18:03,673
I gotta hand it to you, Arvid.
447
00:18:03,707 --> 00:18:06,587
Whatever you're doin', it works.
448
00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:08,587
So you and Viki, huh?
449
00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:11,549
It's weird, but congratulations.
450
00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:13,590
- Thanks.
- 'Way to go, Arvid.'
451
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:15,644
Unfortunately,
I'm dumping her tomorrow.
452
00:18:15,677 --> 00:18:17,717
- 'What?'
- Why?
453
00:18:17,763 --> 00:18:20,723
Well, it feels great
to be with her.
454
00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:22,426
I-it, I-I,
I may get a lot of attention.
455
00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:24,436
I mean, you guys
are all jealous, ha-ha.
456
00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:26,058
It's good for my ego.
457
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,315
But to tell you the truth
458
00:18:28,357 --> 00:18:31,777
there's just no, uh, magic.
459
00:18:31,819 --> 00:18:33,109
It's unfair to her.
460
00:18:33,153 --> 00:18:34,823
I've changed my mind
about you, Arvid.
461
00:18:34,863 --> 00:18:37,283
I think you do have a problem.
462
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:39,700
Him? What about you?
463
00:18:39,743 --> 00:18:41,453
Yeah, Billy,
what's your problem?
464
00:18:41,495 --> 00:18:43,575
- I don't have a problem.
- No?
465
00:18:43,622 --> 00:18:45,792
When was the last time
you went out with Ms. Meara?
466
00:18:45,833 --> 00:18:49,133
Oh, come on,
that's completely different.
467
00:18:49,169 --> 00:18:53,339
As I told you, uh,
it's a completely different..
468
00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:56,682
[indistinct chatter]
469
00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:03,774
So what you're saying is
I sometimes
470
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:05,019
push you around too much?
471
00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:07,650
- Yeah, I am.
- Then why do you let me?
472
00:19:07,688 --> 00:19:09,728
Well, I figure you only do that
when you feel small
473
00:19:09,773 --> 00:19:11,323
and you want me
to feel small with you.
474
00:19:11,358 --> 00:19:13,028
But one of these days
when I think you're abusing
475
00:19:13,068 --> 00:19:15,358
the privilege,
I'm gonna tell you to stop, T.J.
476
00:19:15,404 --> 00:19:17,164
You're gonna tell me to stop?
477
00:19:17,197 --> 00:19:20,867
Now, why would you risk
doing a thing like that?
478
00:19:20,909 --> 00:19:24,619
Because I like you, and if you
push me too far, I'm outta here.
479
00:19:24,663 --> 00:19:26,583
We don't want that to happen,
now, do we?
480
00:19:26,623 --> 00:19:28,833
- No.
- Alright.
481
00:19:29,877 --> 00:19:31,497
That's sweet.
482
00:19:32,754 --> 00:19:34,174
Hey, how'd it go with Viki?
483
00:19:34,214 --> 00:19:36,554
- Oh, I haven't told her--
- Arvid.
484
00:19:36,592 --> 00:19:38,262
I missed you last night.
485
00:19:38,302 --> 00:19:41,562
- Did you miss me?
- Oh, let's sit down.
486
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:47,096
[clears throat]
Um, ahem..
487
00:19:54,234 --> 00:19:56,824
- Viki, we need to talk.
- I know.
488
00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:58,032
One night away from each other
489
00:19:58,071 --> 00:19:59,701
and we have so much
to catch up on.
490
00:19:59,740 --> 00:20:01,450
This is great,
I have a best friend
491
00:20:01,491 --> 00:20:03,121
and a boyfriend all in one.
492
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:05,830
You listen to me,
you care about my feelings--
493
00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:08,211
I wanna break up with you.
494
00:20:08,665 --> 00:20:10,325
What?
495
00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:11,705
I just don't have
496
00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:14,712
those kind of feelings for you.
497
00:20:15,505 --> 00:20:16,835
You're dumping me?
498
00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:18,092
I-I know, I know.
499
00:20:18,133 --> 00:20:20,803
I mean, the best-looking girl
in the school falls for me
500
00:20:20,844 --> 00:20:23,604
and I don't fall back.
501
00:20:23,639 --> 00:20:26,769
Arvid,
I've never been dumped before.
502
00:20:26,808 --> 00:20:28,728
I'm really sorry, hey..
503
00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:31,689
I know what it feels like
to be rejected.
504
00:20:31,730 --> 00:20:33,900
Tell me about it.
505
00:20:33,941 --> 00:20:35,281
Okay.
506
00:20:36,818 --> 00:20:38,898
It's just
this overwhelming feeling
507
00:20:38,946 --> 00:20:41,156
of, uh, nausea.
508
00:20:41,198 --> 00:20:42,698
Like, like,
like the-the world's gonna end
509
00:20:42,741 --> 00:20:45,161
and it would feel okay 'cause
it's gotta be better than this.
510
00:20:45,202 --> 00:20:49,252
A-Arvid, i-it's really
not that bad. I'll be okay.
511
00:20:49,289 --> 00:20:51,709
Uh, what are you gonna do
without me?
512
00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:54,670
Arvid, I had a life before,
you know?
513
00:20:54,711 --> 00:20:56,551
I'll be okay, really.
514
00:20:56,588 --> 00:20:59,418
Oh, you're
such a brave little soldier.
515
00:21:01,009 --> 00:21:02,929
Uh, it's okay.
I'll take care of him.
516
00:21:02,970 --> 00:21:04,890
We've been through
a lot of tough times together.
517
00:21:04,930 --> 00:21:07,140
Come on, Arvid, you can come
over to my house after school.
518
00:21:07,182 --> 00:21:08,562
- We'll play "Star Trek."
- Oh.
519
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,140
Do I have to be Sulu again?
520
00:21:10,185 --> 00:21:12,645
No, you can be anyone you want.
521
00:21:15,274 --> 00:21:18,074
- Uh, hi.
- Oh, hi.
522
00:21:18,110 --> 00:21:21,070
Uh, w-would you like
to go to a movie with me?
523
00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:23,953
I think "Cinema Paradiso"
is still playing.
524
00:21:23,991 --> 00:21:26,791
Oh, well, actually,
you recommended it so highly
525
00:21:26,827 --> 00:21:28,117
I went to see it.
526
00:21:28,161 --> 00:21:29,501
- Oh.
- Uh, but..
527
00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:32,498
I liked it so much, I think
I'd like to see it again.
528
00:21:32,541 --> 00:21:36,001
Oh, great! I'll see you
Friday night then, Boo-Boo.
529
00:21:39,006 --> 00:21:40,166
"Boo-Boo?"
530
00:21:40,215 --> 00:21:42,175
Viki!
531
00:21:43,385 --> 00:21:45,255
Viki, look,
I wanted to apologize
532
00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:46,684
for the way
I've been treating you lately.
533
00:21:46,722 --> 00:21:48,222
- Oh, well, thank you.
- You know..
534
00:21:48,265 --> 00:21:50,385
And I wanted to show you,
you know
535
00:21:50,434 --> 00:21:52,734
that I'm not such a bad guy.
536
00:21:52,769 --> 00:21:56,319
Alex, you're doing it again,
undressing me with your eyes.
537
00:21:56,356 --> 00:21:59,276
Viki, you're right,
but because I respect your mind
538
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:01,818
I'm stopping at your underwear.
539
00:22:03,613 --> 00:22:04,873
What?
540
00:22:06,366 --> 00:22:07,906
Ah, Bernadette, look.
541
00:22:07,951 --> 00:22:10,951
Thanks for that job.
I really like it. I do.
542
00:22:10,996 --> 00:22:13,246
And I want to thank you
from the bottom of my heart.
543
00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:14,120
It's fantastic.
544
00:22:14,166 --> 00:22:16,416
Well, you're very, very welcome.
545
00:22:16,460 --> 00:22:18,380
Yeah.
546
00:22:18,420 --> 00:22:20,880
I'm gonna get on back to work.
547
00:22:25,427 --> 00:22:26,677
Psst.
548
00:22:27,679 --> 00:22:30,969
[instrumental music]
549
00:22:36,772 --> 00:22:39,522
[theme music]
41123
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