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[theme music]
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[indistinct chatter]
3
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[clears throat]
Attention
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00:00:21,896 --> 00:00:25,316
scoffers, scorners
and general smirkers.
5
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I have in my hand an envelope,
an envelope from her.
6
00:00:29,154 --> 00:00:31,744
Margaret Thatcher
finally wrote you back?
7
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Not yet. This is even better.
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This is a letter
from the future Mrs. Pinkard.
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Alan, when are you
gonna get over
10
00:00:40,790 --> 00:00:42,170
this obsession with that model?
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- Yeah, man.
- Go ahead, read and weep.
12
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[sighs]
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"Dear Mr. Alan
14
00:00:51,134 --> 00:00:55,854
"thank you for your recent note,
letter and-or postcard.
15
00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:58,349
"Just scratch the earlobe
of my photo
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00:00:58,391 --> 00:01:01,101
and enjoy my new scent
Ode To Ashley."
17
00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:02,944
- Oh!
- Oh, boy.
18
00:01:02,979 --> 00:01:05,069
Pretty impressive, Alan.
Not too many guys
19
00:01:05,106 --> 00:01:07,726
get a scratch-and-sniff
Dear John letter.
20
00:01:09,277 --> 00:01:11,737
Let me tell you
a little story, Alan.
21
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Wh-when I was very young
22
00:01:13,573 --> 00:01:16,793
I-I had a monster crush
on Rhonda Fleming.
23
00:01:16,826 --> 00:01:18,496
- Who?
- Who is that?
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00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:22,326
Rhonda Fleming,
the movie star, you know.
25
00:01:22,373 --> 00:01:25,383
"Redhead And The Cowboy,"
"The Last Outpost."
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Forget it, she, she was quite
attractive to me, believe me.
27
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Okay, so I-I-I saw
all of her movies
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and I joined her fan club.
I wrote her letters.
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Finally one day,
I get a letter back from her
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and you know what was in it?
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A publicity photo with her name
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rubberstamped on the bottom.
Now I knew from then on--
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00:01:44,562 --> 00:01:46,982
Hey, you got
an actual publicity photo?
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00:01:47,023 --> 00:01:48,573
Yes, Alan, but the point is--
35
00:01:48,608 --> 00:01:51,188
With her name on it
and everything?
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Rubberstamped, Alan.
37
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Well, Mr. Moore,
that's incredible.
38
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You-you know, for a moment there
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00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:57,739
I was starting
to get a little discouraged
40
00:01:57,784 --> 00:02:00,294
but I guess
there really is hope, huh?
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00:02:00,328 --> 00:02:02,078
Alan. Alan.
42
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That is as close
as I ever got to her.
43
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Well, sure, that's you.
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[instrumental music]
45
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[instrumental music]
46
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(both)
Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!
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Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Ah, Jasper!
48
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You truly are a lethal weapon.
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[grunting]
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Jasper? Lethal?
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00:02:26,729 --> 00:02:28,399
[laughing]
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Alright, Jasper, come on.
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Show 'em how you karate-chopped
that board in woodshop.
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00:02:32,068 --> 00:02:34,028
- Yeah.
- Um, I-I would prefer not to.
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In karate, we frown
on egotistical displays
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00:02:36,489 --> 00:02:37,699
of brute strength.
57
00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:40,240
Then why, why did you break
that board in woodshop?
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I'm afraid of the power saw.
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00:02:43,454 --> 00:02:46,374
Oh, come on, Jasper, I'd like
to see you break that board.
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- Yeah.
- Come on, Jasper.
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- For me, please?
- Yeah, come on, Jasper.
62
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- Well--
- Won't you do it?
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Okay.
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00:02:53,756 --> 00:02:56,216
Oh, show a little parlor trick
and all the girls swoon.
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I mean, call me old-fashioned
but I still prefer
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00:02:58,511 --> 00:03:00,011
to attract women
by personality.
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[scoffs]
Now that would be
a parlor trick.
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00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:04,390
[laughs]
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00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:08,233
Hyah!
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- Jasper!
- That was so good.
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Okay, big deal.
I could've done that.
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00:03:13,818 --> 00:03:15,318
Yeah!
73
00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:17,861
(Eric)
Yeah, right.
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00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:20,576
I'm sure you could, Dennis.
It's all physics and psychology.
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00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:24,037
It just involves concentration,
balance and focus.
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I know that.
Show him how to do it, Arvid.
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Uh, uh, wait, wait, wait, me?
Why don't you try it?
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00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:32,000
Because, Arvid, I'm a big guy
and people would expect me
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00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,335
to be able to break
a little board.
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00:03:33,379 --> 00:03:35,919
But now if you did it,
that would be really impressive.
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00:03:35,965 --> 00:03:38,045
Actually,
it takes years of training
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00:03:38,092 --> 00:03:40,552
and, uh, I wouldn't recommend
either of you trying it.
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00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:42,055
- Yeah, don't do it, Arvid.
- Yeah, h-he's right, Arvid.
84
00:03:42,096 --> 00:03:43,596
- You might hurt yourself.
- Yeah.
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- Yeah, you better be careful.
- I'm sure you'll get hurt.
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00:03:45,183 --> 00:03:46,563
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
stand back.
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00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:48,101
Yeah, back up, Bruce Lee.
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- Come on, Arv, show 'em.
- Alright, it's simple.
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00:03:50,313 --> 00:03:54,613
Concentration, balance, focus.
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[grunts]
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[screaming]
92
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[groans]
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00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,700
- Oh!
- Oh, are you okay?
94
00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:02,911
Careful.
95
00:04:05,286 --> 00:04:07,406
Here it is.
96
00:04:07,455 --> 00:04:09,575
"Colbert Products to roll out
new fragrance
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00:04:09,624 --> 00:04:12,384
"at a Waldorf Astoria bash
on the 14th.
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00:04:12,418 --> 00:04:15,378
"Among those attending will be
Donald Trump, Liz Taylor
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and the Ode To Ashley namesake,
Ashley Summerfield."
100
00:04:19,926 --> 00:04:22,096
The 14th is tomorrow night.
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I'll go to the party,
we'll meet, we'll talk
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and she'll see that
I'm the guy she's looking for.
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Alan, half of New York
tries to crash those parties.
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00:04:29,852 --> 00:04:33,562
The place is gonna be mobbed by
reporters and security guards--
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00:04:33,606 --> 00:04:36,986
That's it. I'll pretend
I'm a photographer.
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Aristotle.
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You're into photography.
I need a camera.
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- What kind of camera?
- Who cares?
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I just wanna look like
Jimmy Olsen.
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You already do.
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[instrumental music]
112
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Arvid, I'm so sorry.
I tried to warn you.
113
00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:05,047
Oh, don't worry, Jasper,
it's not your fault.
114
00:05:05,096 --> 00:05:06,886
It's Dennis' fault.
115
00:05:06,931 --> 00:05:09,181
You big cry baby.
It's just a sprain.
116
00:05:09,225 --> 00:05:11,595
I think you went a little
overboard with the gauze.
117
00:05:11,644 --> 00:05:14,694
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
thank you, Doogie Howser.
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I should have explained.
119
00:05:17,525 --> 00:05:19,065
It's hard to keep
your hands centered.
120
00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:20,820
In fact, I find it easier
to break a board
121
00:05:20,862 --> 00:05:23,872
with the crown of my head
because it's more central.
122
00:05:23,906 --> 00:05:26,656
Oh, but of course,
you shouldn't try that.
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00:05:26,701 --> 00:05:29,791
Don't worry, I-I need my head.
It gives me height.
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W-wait a second. Jasper, you can
break a board with your head?
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00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:37,458
Well, yes.
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00:05:37,503 --> 00:05:39,763
Hey. This I've gotta see.
127
00:05:39,797 --> 00:05:41,417
Does anybody have a board
from shop?
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00:05:41,466 --> 00:05:44,296
No, but I got a meatloaf
from home ec.
129
00:05:46,012 --> 00:05:47,722
Here, Jasper,
why don't you use this?
130
00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:49,564
Hey, hey,
that's my shop project.
131
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What? It's just
a piece of lumber.
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It's a shelf.
133
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[all gasping]
134
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[indistinct chatter]
135
00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:09,910
You know, you could do that.
136
00:06:10,953 --> 00:06:12,413
No, I couldn't.
137
00:06:12,455 --> 00:06:14,995
Sure, you can.
If Jasper can, you can.
138
00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:17,591
I.. You think so?
139
00:06:18,503 --> 00:06:20,763
[instrumental music]
140
00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:24,177
But, Mr. Moore,
Dr. Mudd was just following
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00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:25,587
the Hippocratic Oath.
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00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:27,715
That's true, but because he set
143
00:06:27,762 --> 00:06:30,012
the broken leg
of John Wilkes Booth
144
00:06:30,056 --> 00:06:32,096
he was still convicted
of conspiracy
145
00:06:32,141 --> 00:06:33,481
to assassinate Lincoln.
146
00:06:33,518 --> 00:06:37,148
Alan, I, I hope you don't mind.
We have started without you.
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00:06:37,188 --> 00:06:38,728
That's okay.
148
00:06:38,773 --> 00:06:41,403
Excuse me, Mr. Moore,
do you smell something?
149
00:06:41,442 --> 00:06:43,692
- 'Yeah, what is it?'
- Now that you mentioned--
150
00:06:43,736 --> 00:06:45,486
It's him!
151
00:06:47,323 --> 00:06:50,243
Hey, Alan, if you smell
that good in my neighborhood
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00:06:50,284 --> 00:06:53,504
you better be wearing
fishnets and a miniskirt.
153
00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:58,081
It's Ode To Ashley for men.
154
00:06:58,126 --> 00:07:00,376
My eyes are watering.
155
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,630
Guess what, everybody.
156
00:07:02,672 --> 00:07:05,012
I met Ashley Summerfield
last night.
157
00:07:05,049 --> 00:07:06,929
- Yeah, right.
- Oh, come on.
158
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:08,258
You-you went ahead anyway
159
00:07:08,302 --> 00:07:11,932
even after I told you
my Rhonda Fleming story?
160
00:07:11,973 --> 00:07:15,103
That's exactly why I knew
I had to go.
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00:07:15,143 --> 00:07:17,153
But, Alan, how could you
miss the point
162
00:07:17,186 --> 00:07:18,726
of the Rhonda Fleming story?
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00:07:18,771 --> 00:07:20,401
I mean, I thought
it was full-proof.
164
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:24,070
Hey, maybe you should have told
him your Dale Evans story, huh?
165
00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:26,569
Hey, so, Alan, details?
Details?
166
00:07:26,612 --> 00:07:28,032
- Yeah, come on. What happened?
- Yeah.
167
00:07:28,072 --> 00:07:29,952
Once I got inside the ballroom
of the Waldorf
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I hid my camera and started
telling people I was a Kennedy.
169
00:07:35,079 --> 00:07:36,709
Which one?
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00:07:36,747 --> 00:07:38,617
- Sven.
- Sven Kennedy?
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00:07:38,666 --> 00:07:40,246
- Mm-hmm.
- 'Sven?'
172
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:43,093
Well, there's so many of them.
What's one more?
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Then I saw her.
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My God, she was beautiful.
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00:07:49,385 --> 00:07:51,925
Uh, she was dancing with some
big, burly perfume buyer
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00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:54,891
named Klaus, a-and he was making
a-a fool of himself
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00:07:54,932 --> 00:07:59,022
on the dance floor so suddenly,
Ashley grabs my hand and says
178
00:07:59,061 --> 00:08:01,021
"Pretend you're with me."
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00:08:01,063 --> 00:08:04,033
Chalk it up
to that Kennedy charisma.
180
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We started dancing and talking.
181
00:08:05,735 --> 00:08:09,985
Uh, she was very impressed
that I'm going to Harvard.
182
00:08:10,031 --> 00:08:11,571
By going to Harvard
183
00:08:11,616 --> 00:08:13,906
you mean going to be
going to Harvard
184
00:08:13,951 --> 00:08:16,161
in the future, of course.
185
00:08:16,204 --> 00:08:18,834
- Not exactly.
- 'So what happened?'
186
00:08:18,873 --> 00:08:21,173
- Yeah, what happened?
- What happened, Alan?
187
00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:23,789
Okay, after about an hour or so
188
00:08:23,836 --> 00:08:28,836
we snuck out and she offered me
a ride home in her limo.
189
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:33,803
It was the most romantic evening
of my life.
190
00:08:33,846 --> 00:08:35,676
Oh, when she dropped me off
at home
191
00:08:35,723 --> 00:08:38,683
she gave me a little something
to remember her by.
192
00:08:38,726 --> 00:08:41,646
- If you know what I mean?
- Wow!
193
00:08:41,687 --> 00:08:44,517
You mean Ode To Ashley for men.
194
00:08:44,565 --> 00:08:46,355
- 'Yeah.'
- 'Alright, alright.'
195
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:48,950
Not to mention,
a coupon worth $2 off
196
00:08:48,986 --> 00:08:51,656
on an Ode To Ashley
loofah sponge.
197
00:08:53,157 --> 00:08:56,287
Alan, before you, uh, go out
on a mad shopping spree
198
00:08:56,327 --> 00:08:57,997
maybe you wanna join
your classmates
199
00:08:58,037 --> 00:09:00,117
and turn in your history report.
200
00:09:00,164 --> 00:09:02,044
[indistinct chatter]
201
00:09:02,083 --> 00:09:06,253
Oh, no, uh, I used my briefcase
t-to carry the camera equipment.
202
00:09:06,295 --> 00:09:08,375
I l-left it in the limo.
My homework was in it.
203
00:09:08,422 --> 00:09:10,802
Uh, Mr. Moore,
I'm gonna make a call.
204
00:09:14,011 --> 00:09:16,431
- What?
- Congratulations, man.
205
00:09:16,472 --> 00:09:18,062
This whole story
just to cover up the fact
206
00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:20,429
you didn't do your homework?
Bravo, buddy.
207
00:09:20,476 --> 00:09:21,806
[cheering and applauding]
208
00:09:21,852 --> 00:09:24,362
I'm telling the truth.
I'm telling the truth.
209
00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:26,357
Mr. Moore, don't let him
get away with this.
210
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:28,189
- No!
- Don't let him do it.
211
00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:31,244
Basically, Alan,
you're telling me that, uh
212
00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:34,029
your fashion model
ate your homework, huh?
213
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:38,486
Excuse me for..
Alan, there you are, angel buns.
214
00:09:38,536 --> 00:09:41,036
I've been looking
all over for you.
215
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,460
Ashley.
216
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:45,330
[instrumental music]
217
00:09:50,965 --> 00:09:52,085
[instrumental music]
218
00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:53,723
[indistinct chatter]
219
00:09:53,759 --> 00:09:57,969
Excuse me, uh, we're in
the middle of a class here.
220
00:09:58,014 --> 00:10:00,474
Oh, uh, it's alright, Charlie.
221
00:10:00,516 --> 00:10:03,306
We'll get back to your
oral report in a minute.
222
00:10:04,478 --> 00:10:06,478
He's one of my adult
education students.
223
00:10:06,522 --> 00:10:09,732
[gasps]
Oh, good for you, Charlie.
224
00:10:09,775 --> 00:10:12,565
You get that high school
diploma, sweet cakes.
225
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,112
You know, I'd go back
and get mine
226
00:10:14,155 --> 00:10:17,405
but I am so busy
exercising and dieting.
227
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:19,330
You know what they say,
a, a behind
228
00:10:19,368 --> 00:10:21,408
is a terrible thing to waste.
229
00:10:23,372 --> 00:10:26,082
No, really, it's impossible
to conduct a class
230
00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:27,455
under these circumstances.
231
00:10:27,501 --> 00:10:30,591
He's absolutely right. You can't
teach without your books.
232
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,760
- Thanks, Ashley.
- Call me later?
233
00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:34,968
- Absolutely.
- Great.
234
00:10:35,009 --> 00:10:37,139
And thanks for last night.
235
00:10:38,888 --> 00:10:40,218
[exhales]
236
00:10:41,515 --> 00:10:46,225
I-I didn't believe you, man.
I apologize.
237
00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:48,480
And I hate you.
238
00:10:48,522 --> 00:10:51,282
You know, she had
such a cute little nose.
239
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:53,527
I wonder how much it costs her?
240
00:10:53,569 --> 00:10:55,779
Yeah, she was sporting
more plastic
241
00:10:55,821 --> 00:10:58,161
than a Tupperware salesgirl.
242
00:10:59,283 --> 00:11:02,503
Do I detect an air of jealousy
in this room?
243
00:11:02,536 --> 00:11:06,706
Alan, with your cologne, there's
no air left in this room.
244
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,338
I am not gonna rush this thing.
245
00:11:10,378 --> 00:11:12,758
I am gonna give it time
to grow and blossom
246
00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:14,967
until I'm in my sophomore year
at Harvard.
247
00:11:15,007 --> 00:11:18,137
And we get married and have
our two boys and a girl.
248
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:22,305
End of story.
Hallway, please.
249
00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:23,388
What for?
250
00:11:23,432 --> 00:11:25,522
Just a friendly
little student-teacher chat.
251
00:11:25,559 --> 00:11:28,479
You know, we'll figure out
who's who out here.
252
00:11:31,482 --> 00:11:32,862
Uh, look, Mr. Moore
253
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:35,700
I'm sorry
about the adult-student thing.
254
00:11:35,736 --> 00:11:38,446
As soon as our relationship
develops a little more
255
00:11:38,489 --> 00:11:39,869
I'll set Ashley straight.
256
00:11:39,907 --> 00:11:44,157
- I appreciate that, Alan.
- Hey, no problem.
257
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:46,833
You know, Alan, uh..
258
00:11:46,872 --> 00:11:48,962
...the modeling world
is a lot like show business
259
00:11:48,999 --> 00:11:51,669
and things are not always
what they seem to be.
260
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:54,921
[sighs]
Uh, Mr. Moore, she was here.
261
00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:58,434
- She called me angel buns.
- She called me sweet cakes.
262
00:11:58,467 --> 00:12:01,257
Oh, sweet cakes is not even in
the same league as angel buns.
263
00:12:01,303 --> 00:12:04,603
Look, Alan, I-I just don't wanna
see you get carried away.
264
00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:07,020
[sighs]
Mr. Moore, I have a feeling
265
00:12:07,059 --> 00:12:09,099
I know where this little talk
is heading.
266
00:12:09,145 --> 00:12:11,475
[laughs]
I'm not too sure of that
since you failed
267
00:12:11,522 --> 00:12:13,522
to see the point
of the Rhonda Fleming story.
268
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:14,606
Oh, but I did it.
269
00:12:14,650 --> 00:12:16,490
You're always tellin' us
to go for it.
270
00:12:16,527 --> 00:12:18,697
Not to let chances pass us by.
271
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:21,948
- Yeah.
- I love Ashley Summerfield.
272
00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:23,991
And pretty soon,
she is gonna be in love with me.
273
00:12:24,034 --> 00:12:26,794
Now there's nothing that
you or-or Rhonda Fleming
274
00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:30,329
or Dale Evans or anybody
can do to stop me.
275
00:12:30,374 --> 00:12:31,674
[scoffs]
Boy, Alan, you know
276
00:12:31,709 --> 00:12:34,549
nothing seems to be
getting through to you.
277
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:38,377
So maybe it is a good idea
for you to call Ashley, okay?
278
00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:40,594
And one more thing.
279
00:12:40,634 --> 00:12:42,684
I told you so.
280
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,050
Why are you telling me that now?
281
00:12:44,096 --> 00:12:46,926
I wanna tell you while
you're still in a good mood.
282
00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:50,104
[instrumental music]
283
00:12:53,647 --> 00:12:55,817
[whistling]
284
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,660
Arvid, are you sure you're okay?
285
00:13:05,117 --> 00:13:07,537
Oh, this?
Well, there's a costume party.
286
00:13:07,578 --> 00:13:09,998
And I'm going as a giant Q-Tip.
287
00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:13,252
Hey, Arvid, looking goo..
288
00:13:13,292 --> 00:13:17,092
Oh, I'm sorry. Aren't you that
exchange student from Pakistan?
289
00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:21,930
You don't start with me!
This is your fault!
290
00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:23,797
You talked me into this!
291
00:13:23,844 --> 00:13:26,224
You wiener.
Anybody could break a board.
292
00:13:26,263 --> 00:13:28,523
Yeah, yeah,
I'd like to see you try.
293
00:13:28,557 --> 00:13:30,017
Okay. I will.
294
00:13:30,059 --> 00:13:32,519
You wanna see me
break a board? Fine!
295
00:13:32,561 --> 00:13:36,981
How about this bench? I'll break
this bench with my bare hands.
296
00:13:37,024 --> 00:13:40,654
Girls, you wanna gather around
and see this!
297
00:13:40,694 --> 00:13:42,324
Stand back!
298
00:13:43,697 --> 00:13:45,197
[grunting]
299
00:13:45,241 --> 00:13:47,871
[speaking in foreign language]
300
00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:51,870
Blunden, stop it!
I know what you're up to.
301
00:13:51,914 --> 00:13:52,964
No, you don't.
302
00:13:52,998 --> 00:13:54,038
[bell rings]
303
00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:55,793
Alright, move along.
Come on, move it, move it.
304
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:58,455
- Back to class.
- I'll see you later, guys.
305
00:14:01,048 --> 00:14:03,258
I know he's up to something.
306
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:05,930
But what?
307
00:14:14,270 --> 00:14:18,900
[laughs]
Well, if it isn't
the Teenage Mutant Ninja Nerdle.
308
00:14:18,941 --> 00:14:21,611
- Aww.
- Hey, guys, listen up.
309
00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:24,202
I just saw Alan
gettin' out of Ashley's limo.
310
00:14:24,238 --> 00:14:26,568
- No!
- Her limo again?
311
00:14:26,615 --> 00:14:27,905
I hate this!
312
00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:30,290
- What, just in front of school?
- I'm serious..
313
00:14:30,327 --> 00:14:33,657
Okay, Sven.
What's up with you and Ashley?
314
00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:35,416
- Yeah. Tell us.
- Tell us what happened.
315
00:14:35,457 --> 00:14:37,877
Okay, you forced it out of me.
316
00:14:37,918 --> 00:14:39,798
- I spent the night with her.
- Huh?
317
00:14:39,837 --> 00:14:42,457
Oh, um, Alan,
we don't wanna hear this.
318
00:14:42,506 --> 00:14:44,336
- Yes, we do!
- Yeah, we do!
319
00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:45,723
Picture this.
320
00:14:45,759 --> 00:14:49,259
Ashley and I are on top
of the Empire State Building.
321
00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:51,675
The lights of Manhattan
are below us.
322
00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:54,484
She is wearing this incredible
evening gown
323
00:14:54,518 --> 00:14:57,518
that is stuck to her
like wet Kleenex.
324
00:14:58,439 --> 00:14:59,979
- Just you and her?
- Uh, yeah..
325
00:15:00,024 --> 00:15:02,034
Except for the makeup people
and the hair guy
326
00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:04,067
and the set designer
and the producer
327
00:15:04,111 --> 00:15:05,111
and the wardrobe people.
328
00:15:05,154 --> 00:15:08,284
Oh, a-and the guy
who handled the ocelot.
329
00:15:08,324 --> 00:15:11,044
What'd you do, Alan?
Hold her coat?
330
00:15:11,952 --> 00:15:13,872
No, I-I held her dachshund
Fritzy.
331
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,833
- Oh.
- Oh, you held her doggy?
332
00:15:15,873 --> 00:15:17,463
Y-y-you guys don't understand.
333
00:15:17,499 --> 00:15:20,169
She invited me
to be a part of her world.
334
00:15:20,210 --> 00:15:23,630
Yeah, the part
that scoops up dachshund doo.
335
00:15:25,007 --> 00:15:28,337
This is her way of saying
"Alan, you are special."
336
00:15:28,385 --> 00:15:31,505
- 'Oh, yeah.'
- 'Yeah, holding her dog.'
337
00:15:31,555 --> 00:15:32,765
[instrumental music]
338
00:15:32,806 --> 00:15:35,766
(Eric)
'Woof! Woof! Woof!'
339
00:15:42,149 --> 00:15:44,689
Okay, here it is,
"In the story on last night's
340
00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:48,025
Show People Against
Natural Fur Benefit."
341
00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:49,202
Oh, look.
342
00:15:49,239 --> 00:15:51,829
"High so mannequin
Ashley Summerfield
343
00:15:51,867 --> 00:15:55,747
attended the party
with date Warren Beatty."
344
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:57,118
That doesn't mean anything.
345
00:15:57,164 --> 00:15:59,424
They are always exaggerating
things in those tabloids.
346
00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:02,088
Oh, but look, there's a picture
of them together.
347
00:16:02,127 --> 00:16:04,297
So what? There were a lot
of people at that benefit.
348
00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:06,718
They just happened to be
standing next to each other.
349
00:16:06,757 --> 00:16:08,877
Aristotle!
He's kissing her cheeks!
350
00:16:08,926 --> 00:16:11,756
- So what?
- From the inside!
351
00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:14,104
Oh!
352
00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:16,269
I just hope
Alan hasn't seen this.
353
00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:18,808
- Oh, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
354
00:16:18,852 --> 00:16:21,692
Oh, you guys. Let's show
a little sympathy, okay?
355
00:16:21,730 --> 00:16:23,440
- Yeah.
- Hey, macho man!
356
00:16:23,482 --> 00:16:25,532
How was your date
last night with Ashley?
357
00:16:25,567 --> 00:16:28,697
Oh, fine, fine, I was in her
apartment most of the evening.
358
00:16:28,737 --> 00:16:32,527
[clears throat]
Unfortunately, she wasn't.
359
00:16:33,909 --> 00:16:36,289
Okay, so I was dog-sitting
for her.
360
00:16:36,328 --> 00:16:37,708
That says how much
she trusts me.
361
00:16:37,746 --> 00:16:39,916
It says how close we are.
362
00:16:39,957 --> 00:16:44,087
Um, looks like Warren Beatty's
just a little bit closer.
363
00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:47,508
Big deal!
At least, I wasn't in "Ishtar."
364
00:16:47,548 --> 00:16:50,258
[bell rings]
365
00:16:52,761 --> 00:16:55,721
Hi, Alan. How's the relationship
with Ashley?
366
00:16:55,764 --> 00:16:58,604
Just great. How's yours
with Rhonda Fleming?
367
00:17:00,894 --> 00:17:03,944
I'm sorry. It's going lousy.
368
00:17:03,981 --> 00:17:07,321
Look at this, Mr. Moore.
How could this happen to us?
369
00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:09,859
You know, we were doing
so great together.
370
00:17:09,903 --> 00:17:11,163
- Well--
- Now this.
371
00:17:11,196 --> 00:17:13,316
- Alan--
- I know what you're gonna say.
372
00:17:13,365 --> 00:17:15,075
You're gonna say,
"I told you so."
373
00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:16,907
No, I was actually going to say
374
00:17:16,952 --> 00:17:19,162
that this could be
perfectly innocent.
375
00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:21,214
Oh, grow up, Mr. Moore.
376
00:17:21,248 --> 00:17:22,998
Uh, she didn't come home
all night.
377
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,092
And I ought to know, I was
at her place trying to keep
378
00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:27,917
her dachshund from chewing
on the extension cord.
379
00:17:27,963 --> 00:17:30,883
Alan, look, she was
at an important fundraiser.
380
00:17:30,924 --> 00:17:34,184
Perhaps she just decided to stay
up late and talk politics.
381
00:17:34,219 --> 00:17:35,349
Politics?
382
00:17:35,387 --> 00:17:37,677
She thinks conservative
is a little black dress
383
00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:39,103
with pearls.
384
00:17:39,141 --> 00:17:43,061
Does that mean that you're not
going to continue seeing her?
385
00:17:43,103 --> 00:17:45,943
Are you crazy? I love her.
386
00:17:45,981 --> 00:17:48,781
[instrumental music]
387
00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:52,530
So counting Union
and Confederate soldiers
388
00:17:52,571 --> 00:17:55,571
more Americans died
in the Civil War
389
00:17:55,616 --> 00:17:57,406
'than in any other war'
390
00:17:57,451 --> 00:17:59,081
and that includes World-World--
391
00:17:59,119 --> 00:18:02,079
Hi, love,
I wouldn't have bothered
392
00:18:02,122 --> 00:18:03,122
but it's real important.
393
00:18:03,165 --> 00:18:04,825
Uh, uh,
what's the matter, Ashley?
394
00:18:04,875 --> 00:18:06,665
I can't find Fritzy's
rubber mouse.
395
00:18:06,710 --> 00:18:08,300
He's impossible without it.
396
00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:10,757
I washed it.
It's in the draining board.
397
00:18:10,798 --> 00:18:12,008
Oh.
398
00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:14,339
Oh, hi. How's school going?
399
00:18:14,384 --> 00:18:18,564
Oh, I'm doing fine, but I think
the teacher's in hot water.
400
00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:22,427
We're just gonna step out into
the hall for a moment, Charlie.
401
00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:24,516
Good. Good.
402
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:32,239
Listen, Ashley.
We need to talk.
403
00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:33,397
I know we do.
404
00:18:33,445 --> 00:18:34,985
And that's why I want you
to come out to my house
405
00:18:35,030 --> 00:18:37,950
in the Hamptons this weekend.
What do you say?
406
00:18:37,991 --> 00:18:39,661
Are you kidding?
It sounds great.
407
00:18:39,701 --> 00:18:43,121
Oh, and would you mind picking
up Fritzy at the vet on Friday?
408
00:18:43,163 --> 00:18:45,503
And then meet Jerry and Carmen
and Ramone at my place
409
00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:48,091
and we'll all take
the limo, okay?
410
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:50,497
Ashley, I would love
to spend more time with you
411
00:18:50,546 --> 00:18:52,206
and-and, of course, Fritzy.
412
00:18:52,256 --> 00:18:55,376
But does it have to be
with all those other people?
413
00:18:55,425 --> 00:18:57,255
What's wrong with the gang?
414
00:18:57,302 --> 00:18:59,932
Well, nothing, i-it's just,
i-in your interviews
415
00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:03,522
you're always talking about
a little farmhouse in Vermont
416
00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:05,189
with the man you love.
417
00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:07,727
Oh, that. That's just PR.
418
00:19:09,189 --> 00:19:11,689
So then you're not
really serious?
419
00:19:11,733 --> 00:19:14,033
I mean, about our relationship?
420
00:19:14,069 --> 00:19:15,529
Oh, sure, someday
421
00:19:15,571 --> 00:19:17,871
when the right billionaire
comes along.
422
00:19:17,906 --> 00:19:20,736
But right now,
I just wanna have fun.
423
00:19:21,451 --> 00:19:23,201
Ashley, my idea of fun
424
00:19:23,245 --> 00:19:25,995
is not walking your dog
or carrying your luggage
425
00:19:26,039 --> 00:19:30,209
or answering your phone!
I had something else in mind.
426
00:19:30,252 --> 00:19:32,712
What did you have in mind?
427
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:39,006
- Never mind.
- So you're not coming with us?
428
00:19:39,052 --> 00:19:42,392
I don't think so.
I've got homework to do.
429
00:19:43,098 --> 00:19:45,978
- Homework?
- That's right.
430
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:47,938
I'm a high school student.
431
00:19:47,978 --> 00:19:50,728
Then why did you tell me
you were a teacher?
432
00:19:51,982 --> 00:19:53,692
PR.
433
00:19:56,570 --> 00:20:00,070
Well, in case we don't see
each other again
434
00:20:00,115 --> 00:20:03,445
- I've to ask you one question.
- Yes?
435
00:20:03,493 --> 00:20:05,753
Are you absolutely sure
436
00:20:05,787 --> 00:20:08,497
the mouse is on the drainboard?
437
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,540
- Yes.
- Great.
438
00:20:12,586 --> 00:20:14,416
See ya!
439
00:20:22,095 --> 00:20:24,555
- You alright?
- Oh, yeah.
440
00:20:24,598 --> 00:20:28,558
We just decided to give
each other a little space.
441
00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:32,152
- How much space?
- Length of Long Island.
442
00:20:33,899 --> 00:20:36,439
Go ahead. Say it.
443
00:20:36,485 --> 00:20:37,945
- Oh, I already said it.
- 'No, no.'
444
00:20:37,986 --> 00:20:40,406
I know you're dying
to say it. Go ahead.
445
00:20:40,447 --> 00:20:41,617
No, I'm not gonna say it, Alan.
446
00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:42,947
I deserve it. Say it.
447
00:20:42,991 --> 00:20:44,701
Alan, no.
448
00:20:44,743 --> 00:20:46,163
Well, at least
I did better with Ashley
449
00:20:46,203 --> 00:20:49,003
than you did
with Rhonda Fleming.
450
00:20:49,039 --> 00:20:50,619
Don't push me, Alan.
451
00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:51,996
[laughs]
452
00:20:52,042 --> 00:20:54,342
Okay, Mr. Moore.
You told me so.
453
00:20:54,378 --> 00:20:56,708
Uh, but you've got to admit
you have been living
454
00:20:56,755 --> 00:20:59,755
vicariously through me.
455
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:02,680
You were just
as crushed as I am.
456
00:21:02,719 --> 00:21:04,219
Well, Alan,
there are so many things
457
00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:05,893
I could straighten out for you.
458
00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:09,981
If only we had time for me
to tell you my Dale Evans story.
459
00:21:10,018 --> 00:21:12,978
- Maybe tomorrow, huh?
- Yeah, maybe.
460
00:21:15,649 --> 00:21:17,109
Okay. Come on. Alright.
461
00:21:17,150 --> 00:21:19,320
'Just put it
right over here, guys.'
462
00:21:20,570 --> 00:21:21,990
Great.
463
00:21:23,115 --> 00:21:24,615
Thank you.
464
00:21:24,658 --> 00:21:26,328
Let's see.
465
00:21:26,827 --> 00:21:28,037
Solid oak.
466
00:21:28,078 --> 00:21:30,158
[bell rings]
467
00:21:32,332 --> 00:21:34,582
Oh, sorry.
468
00:21:34,626 --> 00:21:35,996
See you later.
469
00:21:36,044 --> 00:21:39,674
Okay, girls,
gather around and see
470
00:21:39,715 --> 00:21:41,335
the magnificent Blunden
471
00:21:41,383 --> 00:21:46,013
smash through solid wood
with...my head.
472
00:21:46,054 --> 00:21:48,854
- No, Dennis.
- Dennis, Dennis.
473
00:21:48,890 --> 00:21:52,350
Dennis, as a black belt, I have
to advise you, don't do this.
474
00:21:52,394 --> 00:21:54,524
- Yeah.
- Just relax.
475
00:21:54,563 --> 00:21:56,653
Everyone, look at me.
476
00:21:57,941 --> 00:22:00,031
[breathes deeply]
477
00:22:02,487 --> 00:22:04,197
[screams]
478
00:22:04,239 --> 00:22:05,779
Ooh!
479
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,000
'Oh, man.'
480
00:22:11,121 --> 00:22:14,171
[indistinct chatter]
481
00:22:16,293 --> 00:22:19,093
[instrumental music]
482
00:22:22,758 --> 00:22:25,468
[theme music]
483
00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:56,000
[music continues]
35997
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