All language subtitles for Head.Of.The.Class.S03E02_2

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

W-w-well, listen to this, I had
another dream about Russia.

It's April 1961.

Yuri Gagarin is in Vostok 1

in the middle
of the first man space flight

when he discovers me hiding
in the capsule of the stowaway.

'All of a sudden, we're in the
middle of a huge meteor shower'

and Yuri needs my help. I push
the wrong button and boom.

We're ejected into space.
Then I woke up screaming.

What do you think it means?

It means
your pajamas are too tight.

[laughs]

- Oh, come on, guys.
- It's obvious, Arvid.

You're worried about whether
or not we're going to Moscow.

- Who isn't?
- Me. I'm not worried.

You're also not going.

But I can let you in
on a little something.

Arvid and I have found a way
to realize

the true potential of our trip

and help the cause
of world peace at the same time.

That's right. What?

I'm talkin' about foreign aid.

Blue jeans, Beatle tapes.

We smuggle them into Moscow.

We sell 'em
and we make a fortune.

Smuggle? Smuggle!

Do you know
what smuggle means in Russian?

- Yeah. It me--
- It means Siberia. Prison.

Okay, okay. We don't smuggle.
We...import.

- Come on, what do you guys say?
- You can count me out.

And-and besides,
what if you don't go to Moscow?

You lose all that money.

I'm covered. I got side bet.

If they don't choose our school,
we win our money back.

But don't worry, we're goin'.
I can feel it.

Come on, Eric,
how much do you wanna invest?

Zero. I got other things
on my mind right now.

Simone? Would you give it up?

Queen Carrot Head
will never go out with you.

Now why don't you invest in
somethin'

that's worth your time?

I tell you what, Dennis,
I'll give you a call.

What's the area code
for the Gulag?

- Arvid--
- Get away from me.

- Arvid. Arvid!
- Get away from me.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi.

- Am I interrupting?
- Um, no.

I was just rereading
"Uncle Vanya."

Chekhov writes with such depth
and sensitivity, I--

Yeah, so did F. Scott Fitzgerald
of Saint Paul, Minnesota.

It's like everybody around here
has got nothing

but Moscow on the brain.

Well, the possibility
of going there is so exciting.

I mean, if we go.

I mean, for those of us
who might be going.

What-what about an exciting time
right here in America?

You know, New York City,
beautiful night..

[sighs]
...a guy and a girl,
movie, pizza.

Finally, Simone.

- Yes.
- Alright.

As soon as we're back
from Russia.

If you'll just listen.

We are actually witnessing
contemporary history.

Some of the most
exciting changes

to occur within the Soviet Union
since the revolution of 1970.

Now two of the words
most commonly associated

with Mr. Gorbachev's
policies are?

Glasnost, which means openness
and perestroika--

Which loosely translates
as restructuring.

Thank you, Janice,
it also doubles

as the title
of Mr. Gorbachev's book.

[yawns]

You have a, uh,
problem with this, Eric?

Look, Mr. Moore, yesterday
you said we were gonna finish

our discussion
on the presidential debates.

Now all of a sudden,
here we are in Russia.

And just 'cause
the brain express here

might be goin' to Moscow
for an academic meet

doesn't mean the rest
of the world has stopped.

- Oh, Eric--
- Eric, you're negative--

Maybe you're just jealous 'cause
you're the only one of us

that's not going.

Janice,
show a little compassion.

I call 'em as I see 'em.

Hey, believe me,
I'm not jealous.

I don't wanna be on your team

and the last thing I wanna do
is be stuck on an airplane

with Dr. Samuels
for 12 hours going

"What's the atomic weight
of beryllium?"

9.0122.

Is this boy a winner or what?

He gives the answer
before I ask the question.

[chuckles]
Excuse me, Mr. Moore,
I hope I'm not interrupting.

Well, actually--

I hold in my hand
a telegram from Moscow.

- What does it say?
- What does it say?

I don't know, it's in Russian.

[laughs]

Well, it's between
us and Andover Academy.

So stay prepared
to kick the Russian bear

in his own backyard.

Well, naturally, Dr. Samuels,
but there are people

who plan to do a few
other things in Moscow as well.

Like what?

I'd like to visit
the space museum.

W-well, I'd like to find
Chekov's grave.

I don't know,
put a flower on it.

[speaking in Russian]

Well, for those of us
who don't understand Russian

Janice, perhaps you'd translate.

Oh, I said that I cannot wait
till I get to Moscow

so that I can converse in
Russian with some real Russians.

I knew that.

I'm going to get,
uh, Mr. Gorbachev

to autograph a copy of his book.

Anybody else have any plans?

Sarah and I have requisitioned
the school's video equipment.

We're gonna tape
a documentary on Russia

and hopefully sell it to PBS.

Yeah, I'm real sorry
I'm gonna miss all this.

Excuse me,
I'm not hearing anything

about beating the Russians here.

Sir, if I may? Not only do I
plan to destroy the Russian team

I'm happy to say
I'll be giving a full report

to the Young Americans
for Freedom

on what a bummer it is
to live there.

I already have it half written.

Yeah, Alan, uh, maybe you could
try to keep a half open mind

until you actually get to Russia
and talk to some people.

You know, see what they think.

Some of 'em might
actually enjoy living there.

It must be tough being you,
Mr. Moore.

So sincere, yet so misguided.

I'm next, I know what
you're gonna call on me

and I don't have any plans.
I don't wanna go.

- Well, what-what's the problem?
- Flying, Mr. Moore.

It's unnatural,
besides, my analyst thinks

that I suffer from a severe case
of xenophobia.

- You hate strangers?
- No, they hate me.

Maria, the Russians
are not going to hate you.

You don't know that.

Well, everything I've heard
so far sounds like stuff

Mr. Moore has obviously
been encouraging you to do.

Now hear this, if we go,
it's not for a vacation

it's butt-busting time.
Carry on.

Uh, Dr. Samuels, wait.

I'd just like to wish you
and your dream team here

a great trip and just remember,
while you're in Moscow

gettin' the borscht
beat out of you

I'll be at Izzy's
doing some remedial loafing.

That's reason number 15
why you're not going.

Mr. Moore,
I return the class to you, sir.

[bell rings]

Thank you. Nice timing.
Okay, see you tomorrow.

Maria, let's talk about
your phobias for a minute, okay?

- Eric.
- Yeah.

If you really don't care
about going to Russia

why do you keep making
such a big deal of it?

I'm not making a big deal of it.

Well, yes, you are.

You're sarcastic
and you keep putting it down.

I'm just your basic, shallow,
insensitive type guy, so well.

I'm trying to understand you,
Eric.

There's nothing to understand.
It's just like Janice said.

I'm jealous.

Okay, you don't wanna talk
to me, don't talk to me.

Simone, wait.

[sighs]
You won't tell anyone?

No.

- I got family over there.
- Really?

Yeah, my mom's side.

I mean, it'll be great to go
over there and meet them, but..

Well, I don't wanna beg anybody
for anything.

Well, I-I'm sure
if Dr. Samuels knew--

Oh, especially Samuels.

Why is it such a big secret?

I have my reasons.

[sighs]
Look, I told you this but I
don't want anyone else to know.

Now promise me
you won't say anything.

- Promise?
- Yeah. I promise.

[instrumental music]

Trust me, I have this
worked out to a science.

You will not get caught.

T-that's what
Haldeman told Nixon.

That's what
Poindexter told Oliver North.

That's what Leopold told Loeb.

Ah, yes, but you're forgetting,
those guys

weren't as smart as you and me.

Okay, I'm gonna go out
on a limb here

and personally
guarantee your safety.

In a worst-case scenario,
only one person gets caught.

Who?

Dr. Samuels.

- Interesting.
- Ah-ha.

But how do we carry
all that stuff?

Easy. We sneak it
into the school

we put it in the trunk with
the school's video equipment--

- Good morning, boys.
- Good morning.

- Morning, Dr. Samuels.
- Lovely day.

- Very nice day.
- Yes, it is.

The Russians are suckers
for the fab foreign blue jeans.

Arvid, we can triple
our investment.

Well, how much is my investment?

It's the same as mine.

- How much is yours?
- Half the total.

How much is that?

[scoffs]
Arvid, I'm afraid
when you hear the figure

you might get
a little squeamish.

- How much?
- A thousand bucks.

What, a thousand do..
You, you're insane!

You're nuts. You're a menace.
You should be locked up!

Okay. 250 bucks.

[sighs]
That's better.

- Yeah.
- What? $250.

- You're crazy.
- Arvid, I just saved you $750.

- Oh, um, Mr. Moore?
- Yeah.

Can I ask your advice
about something?

Sure.

Well, what do you do if you
made a promise to someone

not to tell something,
but if you broke that promise

well, it might help
the person you promised?

Well, that would depend on
what you promised.

If I tell you
what it was I promised

you promise not to reveal
that I broke my promise?

This is where I say
I promise, right?

- I promise.
- It's about Eric..

Mr. Gorbachev writes
in his introduction

"We value
the American's contribution

"to world civilization
and realize that

"without that country it is
impossible to remove the threat

"of nuclear catastrophe
and secure a lasting peace.

We have no ill intent
toward the American people."

Oh, right.
Mr. Moore, that is so naive.

Alan, uh, even President Reagan
has stopped calling Russia

the evil empire, okay?

On the other hand,
maybe he forgot it exists.

- Excuse me, Mr. Moore.
- Are we going?

Team, I just got off the phone
with Mr. Kirov in Moscow.

- 'Yeah?'
- I've learned two things.

One, I owe
the phone company $79.

[laughs]
And two, we're going!

[cheering]

So it's time.. Listen, listen.

It's time to fill out
these applications for visa

and have your photos taken.

Now listen, Dr. Samuels,
now that we are definitely going

don't you think it's time
to start choosing a substitute

for the team
in case somebody gets ill?

(Dr. Samuels)
'Absolutely.
You-you're right. Yeah.'

But it'd have to be somebody
who's pretty good, right?

- I'm already ahead of you.
- Eric Mardian, huh?

(Dr. Samuels)
No, I don't need him.
I've already signed up a sub.

Jerry Herscovitch.

He's a, uh, Rambo in world lit.

'He's the sub, not Eric.'

March 16, 1830. Jawaharlal?

New York Stock Exchange's
worst day in history.

We're gonna bury them.
Dasvidaniya!

[indistinct chatter]

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Well, congratulations.
It's almost all good news.

"Almost?"
Mr. Moore, this is terrific.

- We're off to Moscow.
- Yeah, it's great.

Yeah, the nine of you

plus Dr. Samuels'
mystery protege.

Jerry, whatever his name is..

Don't you think it would be nice
to keep this whole class intact?

Mr. Moore,
don't do me any favors, okay?

- It's okay.
- It's not a favor.

I think
we should all go to Dr. Samuels

and insist
that Eric come with us.

- Yeah.
- Absolutely.

No, I don't agree.

Eric has always laughed
at our team.

He calls our meets
the Nerd Bowl.

Now that we're being honored
for our accomplishments

why should he be included?

(Alan)
I agree with Darlene.

All Eric would do is laugh at us
in Russia and ruin our trip.

Let him stay here.

You know something,
they're right.

- Absolutely.
- Definitely.

- I agree.
- Hey.

Let me make this
real easy for you.

I'm not on your team,
I don't wanna be on your team

and I don't wanna go
on your stupid trip.

Who needs you?

[indistinct chatter]

Well, congratulations
to all of you.

Once again, your emotions
and your petty pride

triumph over reason
and simple human kindness.

I mean, I'm, I'm amazed
at how quickly you forget

that you would have lost
to the Russians the first time

if it had not been for Eric.

But as they say,
that is history.

[bell rings]

Eric.

Look, I think I know how
important this trip is to you.

- It means nothin' really.
- Really?

What about your, uh,
Russians relatives?

- Simone told you?
- Yeah.

She promised.

Well, I promised, you promised,
she promised, so what?

The important thing is that..

...if you had mentioned
something to me earlier

I might have been able to help.

Look, uh, I don't wanna
force myself on anybody.

- I'll talk to Dr. Samuels.
- Mr. Moore, don't do that.

Look, kid,
I mean, give up the act, okay?

We're runnin' out of time.

Look, there's another reason
why I haven't pushed this thing.

Even if Dr. Samuels said yes,
it still wouldn't work.

Why not?

[sighs]
It just won't work, okay?

I don't have
what these kids have.

You certainly got the brains.

[sighs]
But I don't have the money.

- That's the problem.
- Okay, I tell you what.

Just for fun,
fill out the visa application

get the photos taken,
okay, just in case.

In case of what?
I win the lottery?

Well, uh, you know, Eric, I'll
come up with something, okay?

Oh, Mr. Moore, don't go
offering me money, please.

[chuckles]
I-I have something else in mind.
Believe me.

Just fill out
the visa application.

[instrumental music]

- So?
- I did it.

I convinced my dad
to take me to the bank

and open my safe deposit box

so I could visit
my petrified wood collection.

You went to visit rocks
in a bank?

Well, that's what I told my dad.

Oh.

And then when he wasn't looking,
I smuggled out

the savings bond
I got from my Uncle Morty.

- Yes!
- That was for my college fund.

Oh, oh, talk about petrified.

Don't worry, Arvid, you're gonna
be able to buy five bonds

with the profits we make.
I'm the one who needs to worry.

What if that pawn shop
sells my dad's golf clubs

before we get back?

Oh, you've got guts.

Yeah, well,
it was kind of a defensive move.

I figured
if something goes wrong

he won't have anything
to hit me with.

So when do we get
the contraband?

Okay, we pick the stuff up
the morning before we leave.

Then we sneak it into the trunk
with the video equipment.

After that,
it's learning the Russian phrase

for Sgt. Pepper's
Lonely Hearts Club Band

and we are rich.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

[bell rings]

- Morning, everybody.
- Morning.

- Morning.
- No, no, warning, warning.

Alan, do me a favor.

Take one of these for yourself
and pass the rest around.

It'll be an honor, sir.

And we're in for a special treat
this morning, campers.

Class, as you all know,
we leave for Moscow on Saturday.

I have here my "What You Need
To Know About Moscow" pamphlet

which you've all been
waiting to see.

Great. I hadn't been able
to sleep for a week.

Blunden, pay attention.

When we land, this pamphlet
will be your lifeblood.

There are chapters
such as Maps, Money Exchange

and on page 7, my favorite.

Handy Russian Words
You Should Know.

On page 12,
there's a suggested list--

Uh, excuse me, I thought
this was a history class

but since it's turned
into Moscow On The Hudson

I'd like to go to the library.

Well, it's, uh, alright with me

if know one else
has any objections.

No objections.

Anyone in the class
have any objections

to Eric's leaving?

With all due respect,
Dr. Samuels

I think we all object
to Eric being excluded.

- Yeah.
- That's right.

We've all talked it over

and we don't want
Jerry Herscovitch to be our sub.

- We want Eric.
- 'That's right.'

- 'Yeah.'
- 'Yeah.'

Why?

He's not part of the team,
but he's part of us

a-and if we're gonna have a sub,
we want it to be Eric.

- Yeah.
- Right.

Wait a minute.
Is this unanimous?

- Yeah.
- Yes.

It's unanimous.

Mr. Moore,
you put them up to this.

Look, Dr. Samuels, I don't think
you can exclude Eric

from this trip.
I mean, he's got family there.

This could be the most
important trip of his life.

But I promised
the Herscovitch kid.

What am I gonna do about that?

Well, what are you gonna do
about team unity?

What are you gonna do
about team spirit, huh?

What are you gonna do
about proving

that you're not a petty
uncompromising bureaucrat

but rather a, a big,
big man with a..

...heart to match?

You're right.

Class, I've reconsidered.
I think Eric should go.

- Alright!
- Alright!

Unfortunately,
there's a problem.

- 'What?'
- 'What?'

- What's the problem?
- Eric doesn't have a visa.

And it'll take at least
a week to get one

so it's too late.

Well, the visa, filled out
replicate with a photo attached.

- Alright.
- Hey!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wow. Congratulations.

Haven't even left yet and
already you've ruined my trip.

Oh! My pleasure, sir.

- Alright!
- Yeah.

Mr. Moore, thank you

but I still can't afford
to make the trip.

Actually, Eric, I think
you will be able to pay for it

with the money you'll earn
from the article

you'll write about Moscow for
the "Scholastic Monthly Digest."

Welcome aboard.

How do I say thank you?

Well, I believe it's pasibo

but you can check on page seven.

Now we'll continue
with our discussion

of significant changes
within the Soviet Union.

[instrumental music]

Jawaharlal. Janice.

Sarah. Maria.

Wh-where's Maria?
Is she here yet?

Oh, I saw her go
in the bathroom.

Uh, Darlene and Sarah, could you
go up and get her for me please?

- Sure.
- 'Thank you.'

Dennis, what if they have dogs
in customs?

Don't be stupid.
Dogs can't smell blue jeans.

[sighs]
How does the "Criminal Element"
do this day in, day out?

Arvid, would you relax?
Just take deep breaths, okay?

We're home free,
all we gotta do now is make sure

that you and I are the only ones
who load and unload this truck.

Look, I wasn't hiding. The door
accidentally locked, honest.

Look, hey, the bus is here.
Everyone ready?

- Yeah.
- Yes, sir.

Let's head 'em up
and move 'em out! Yo! Yo! Yo!

Dr. Samuels, uh,
they're high school students.

They're not a herd of longhorns.

Alan, Jawaharlal, help me move
this video equipment.

Hey, no problem, Dr. Samuels,
we got it.

Yeah, I'm ready for this.
I've been working out all week.

Blunden, no way would I let you
near school equipment.

- Alan, Jawaharlal.
- Uh, Dr. Samuels, wait a min--

Get out of here.

- Whoa, this is really heavy.
- No, it's not.

What's in here? A dead body?

It shouldn't weigh that much.
Open it up.

Don't do that!

Dr. Samuels,
these guys are wimps.

Would you let two real men
carry this, please?

- Yes, please.
- You're up to something.

Open this trunk!

Oh, my God.

Blue jeans and Beatle tapes.

Jawaharlal.

Uh, but-but-but--

I don't know what came over me.

I think I was possessed.

You're in big trouble, Blunden.

Why? J-just because Arvid
and I were gonna bring

uh, because
we were gonna bring, uh--

- Gifts?
- Gifts to the Russian people?

- Gifts?
- Gifts?

Well, it's not an unheard
of concept, Dr. Samuels.

You go to a foreign country,
you take gifts

for your new friends, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Arvid and I were just
abandoned room for hospitality.

Well, I'm very impressed
by your thoughtfulness.

- Thank you.
- Gifts.

Well, let's go before
we miss the bus. Come on.

Uh..

Arvid--

I don't want to hear

the sound of your voice.

Well, ah, ready or nyet,
here we come.

(Charlie)
Next on a special one hour
"Head Of The Class."

You've got the kids locked up
in this hotel studying.

Shh. This place is bugged.

Do you know what a nerd is?

No.

[both laughing]

This is completely unfair.

Everything is written
in Russian.

[speaking in foreign language]

Is your heart broken?

Well, it's a little bent.

[applause]

All I'm saying is that two,
maybe three

of our members are missing.

- Arvid!
- Dennis!

- Arvid, come on! Come..
- Dennis!

No, you guys got the wrong guy.

I'll get you blue ski jeans,
Beatle tapes..

♪ Faraway lands ♪

♪ Faraway places ♪

♪ Used to be oceans
separatin' our shores ♪♪

[theme music]