All language subtitles for Grace And Frankie SE04 E08 The Lockdown

♪ Well, I don't know
Why I came here tonight ♪

♪ Got the feelin'
That somethin' ain't right ♪

♪ I'm so scared
In case I fall off my chair ♪

♪ And I'm wondering
How I'll get down the stairs ♪

♪ And there's clowns to the left of me
Jokers to the right ♪

♪ Here I am
Stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Sorry about the false alarm, gang.

Also, sorry about
the three false alarms before that.

Don't apologize. Our baby will come out
when she's good and ready.

Yeah.

Or maybe she won't and you'll become
some kind of folk legend.

♪ But that lady kept on truckin'
And she kept on being pregnant ♪

I really thought this was the one.

I had hopes, too.
Your screams were so unsettling.

Thank you.

Let us know when you're heading back
to the hospital and we'll be there.

I don't want to go back there.

Don't have to go back there
until your water breaks.

I don't want to go back there ever.

How could our doctor retire
a week before my due date?

He didn't retire. He was retired
by the hospital. For being 85.

And for driving his Cadillac
through the emergency room.

Well, I'm not going back
to that 14-year-old who's on call.

-He called me "the girl who cried baby."
-He was trying to be funny.

Yeah, well, if I want a comedian
to deliver our baby, I'll call Gallagher.

Gallagher's in Cuyahoga Falls this week.

Well, I wish that doctor
was in Cuyahoga Falls this week.

He was so condescending.

-It's like, who does he think he is?
-A medical doctor?

Bud, I will not have our baby there.

Allison, you're frustrated.

-You're hormonal.
-Tread lightly, soldier.

You're beautiful.

But Dr. O'Neill is delivering our baby.

Dr. Puberty isn't coming near our baby.

Allison, you know...

Remember that thing I just said
about light treading to Bud?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Recent studies have shown home birth,
done with care,

reduces the risk of infection
and enhances bonding.

-Allison.
-Ooh.

She reads this stuff in a newsletter
that she writes.

I don't care.

The home birth rate has increased
by 30 percent in the last ten years.

And, hey, if it's good enough
for Meryl Streep...

-Meryl?
-That's right.

And guess what else?

You know someone very qualified
and experienced to perform the delivery.

-Meryl?
-No, me.

I've delivered lots of babies in the '60s
and in the early part of the '70s.

Really until the commune disbanded

and Guru Jeff went to jail
for marrying too many ladies.

Frankie... will you deliver my baby?

Yes, Allison, a thousand times, yes!

Oh!

You can't be serious.

Serious as a federal polygamy inquest.

I've got to go make a list.

Dad, a little help?

I find it's best

to not get in your mother's way
with this kind of stuff.

Oh, you mean like the birth of my child?

Bud, you need to remember

that this baby is as much your mother's
as it is yours.

Ouch.

-What are you looking for?
-Oh, we need a cord clamp.

Wait, a cord clamp?

Do you have a cord clamp?

No, but I have a chip clip.

Ha.

And we need alcohol.
And towels. A lot of towels.

You know, to wipe up the miracle.

We've got plenty of towels at our place.
Robert's a bit of a linen queen.

Perfect. Now where in Helena
did I put my birthing clogs?

Hi, girl. How's tricks?

Grace, why are you sitting on the stairs?

Why do people sit on a couch?

It's just as arbitrary as a good stair-sit
if you think about it.

What's in the backpack?

Stuff. You know, backpack stuff.

Let me have a little look.

A mug, a teabag, a hot plate,

a kettle, and some homemade trail mix.

I can see what's going on here.

Oh, you always say that
and it's never true.

You wanted a cup of tea in the bath,
you couldn't carry it

because you have to have both hands free
to scoot up the stairs.

Wait, why can't you make it up the stairs?

Because she's having knee replacement
surgery in two days,

and her doctor wants her
to do a full detox.

No booze and no pain pills.

My angels.

Grace, it's not safe for you
to be here by yourself unable to walk.

You know,

Frankie and I are planning on waiting
at my house

until we get the big call from Bud.

I convinced them to have a home birth.

You're not using my towels!

Of course not. Paranoid.

Why don't you come stay with us?

It'll be the perfect place to detox
before your surgery.

Wow, really?

Oh, thanks.

That sounds absolutely fucking horrible.

He's right. There will be plenty of people
to take care of you

and there are no stairs.

Well, there are two stairs.

All of this worry is unnecessary.

Believe me when I say, leave my house.

Are you gonna make me
miss my grandbaby's birth

because you're being stubborn?

Do you want me
to never speak to you again?

Hmm.

-Grace?
-Well, I'm... I'm thinking.

Pick her up, Sol.

Frankie, uh...

I'm a 75-year-old man.

Jacob could do it.

Why are you always trying
to drive a wedge between Jacob and me?

I'm fine.
Nick is coming over this afternoon.

Nice try.

We both know that he is in Anaheim
this week buying Walt Disney's head.

Okay, fine.

But Sol's not carrying me.

No problem.

I will get the wheelbarrow.

♪ Seventy-six trombones
Led the big parade ♪

♪ With 110 cornets close at hand ♪

♪ They were followed by
Rows and rows of the finest virtuosos ♪

♪ Sos, the cream of every famous band ♪

♪ The cream of every famous ba-- ♪

♪ The cream of every-- ♪

I hate my feet.

♪ The cream of every famous ba-- ♪

Coming.

Hi, Robert.

-Oh, I like your hat.
-Oh.

What, uh... can I do for you?

Actually, I was hoping that we could talk.
May I come in?

-Uh, in here?
-Yes.

-To talk?
-Yes.

Of course.

Sorry for coming over uninvited like this,
but...

Are those jazz shoes?

They're just shoes. I'm the jazz.

How can I help you?

Did something happen
between you and Oliver?

I'm not sure I know what you mean.

It's just...
we had such a great time with you,

and every time I try to get Oliver
to invite you over,

he gets cagey and weird.

It's so unlike him.

So, you were trying to talk to him
about me and Sol?

I did this morning,
but he just stormed off,

said he needed to dance it out.

I've been there.

Robert, what's going on?

You know, I'm not sure that--

-Oh, God.
-Sol!

Look who stopped by,
and we've barely had a chance to speak.

Oh, good. New people.
I'm already glad I came.

Grace, how lovely, and Frankie.
Jo, say hello to Grace and Frankie.

-'Sup.
-Nice to meet you.

To what do I owe this surprise visit?

I was going to ask
the same thing about Jo.

Well, Sol, why don't we get
all our surprise visitors some drinks.

-Can you help me in the kitchen?
-Mind if I tag along?

I need to borrow, and possibly ruin,
all your towels.

Perfect!

Frankie. I...

Lady I don't know, help me to the couch.

-Well, grab my arm!
-Okay.

What is Jo doing here?!

Relax. She doesn't know.

I've got that situation under control.
So, what the hell is Grace doing here?

She's having knee surgery

and I offered her our place
so she could avoid stairs.

Right, her surgery.

Oh, you knew?
I guess you forgot to mention it to me.

I would have, Sol,

but if you're gonna go on cruises
by yourself,

you're gonna miss stuff.

What was I supposed to do?!

Miss a duet
between Joan Baez and Donovan?

Not likely!

I was hoping we could
spend time together tonight.

I wasn't expecting company.

Oh, I'm not company.
I'm a beloved fixture.

Oh, these will do!

Sol, what does she want
with my grandmother's tea towels?

Oh, we had a little snafu at the hospital

and Frankie is now going to deliver
Bud and Allison's baby in their apartment.

Absolutely not with these.

-Thanks for the crap.
-You're welcome.

Now, then, Sol, let's make
some Harvey Wallbangers for everyone,

and then we'll send off our guests.

Make mine a virgin.

I can't drink and deliver.

-And Grace can't drink, either.
-Ha! Can you imagine?

No, seriously.
She has to detox before her surgery.

Doctor's orders.

-Robert?
-Sol... you fool!

Forgive them, Father,
for they know not what they do.

-You're scaring me.
-Oh, be afraid. Afraid indeed.

I have only seen Grace not drink
twice in my life.

Once, when we were stranded on a ship
in the Indian Ocean,

and once, when she was pregnant
with Mallory.

What about when she was pregnant
with Brianna?

No.

Friends, let me tell you
what is about to happen here:

the three phases of sober Grace.

I'm hooked.

irritability.

The complete loss of all politeness
and all social courtesy.

How will we tell?

I love your little scarf.

It's strong enough to choke a man.

Phase two...

euphoria.

Now this is a tricky one,
because she is so lovely,

and you'll think the worst is over,
but you'll be wrong.

rage.

Pure, unfiltered rage. And you don't want
to be close when it hits.

She will cut to the core of you.
She will mix lies with the truth.

She can't control it. It controls her.

But friends, if you stick with me...

we may just live through this night.

Jesus.

Oh, he can't help you now.

Robert!

Who is that?

- Oh, God.
- Oliver, what are you doing here?

No, don't.

Robert!

I told you not to talk to her.

Why? What happened between you two?

Robert thinks I shouldn't be marrying you.

What? Why?

Because he thinks I'm gay.

Sol, would you mind taking me back home
or setting me on fire?

Okay, breathe. Just breathe.

Everything's gonna be okay.
Okay, one more big breath.

This is weird. This is wrong. My mother
shanghaied the birth of my child.

It's gonna be fine, man.
People have been born for a long time.

I don't know what that means.

Yeah, that was nonsense.

Bud, doesn't it tell you something

that the most hospital-positive person
in the world is okay with this?

It tells me you may have been
Frankie-Bergsteined.

I know what it's like.

That's how I ended up
with a tattoo on my butt.

Yep. It says "Livin' La Vida Loca. "

And why both "vida" and "loca"
are misspelled.

Thanks, Mal, and thanks
for bringing the twins' kiddie pool.

-Oh, actually...
-The pool's mine, babe.

So Robert said you're gay. So what?

Honey, if I got upset every time someone
told me you were gay, I'd be upset a lot.

My mother thought he was gay.

That's just because she and I watched
a Falcon Crest marathon together.

If loving Falcon Crest is gay,
then I'm Rip Taylor and both Indigo Girls.

Look, it's not a big deal.
I know you're not attracted to men.

You know you're not attracted to men.
What does it matter?

Yeah, these things have a way
of working themselves out. Right, boys?

I didn't want to have this conversation
here. Can we please go home?

Oh, no, stay here
where it's inappropriate and awkward.

Good afternoon, folks. Please step in.
May I speak to the homeowners?

My God, will you please tell Mr. Purcelli
I didn't steal his goddamn dog?!

-It's not that this time.
-Oh, God. This fucking guy.

Oh, yeah. You're the lady
who doesn't have a gun.

I know about the gun.
It was a whole thing.

-Catch up, Torres.
-What can we do for you, Officer?

Well, it appears that an orangutan
has escaped from the zoo,

and since you're within a two-mile radius,
we need to cordon off the neighborhood.

Oh, God. Is it Bobo? Chocolate?
Not Lady Beverly?

-It's Ken Allen, Jr.
-Ken Allen's boy?!

-Well, I don't know who his dad is.
-Excuse me. What?

Ken Allen, the hairy Houdini.

He escaped San Diego Zoo
three times in the '70s.

He was a legend!

He high-fived me once.

He was reaching through the bars
to get at your funnel cake,

and you high-fived him.

All I know is is that he
has already attacked one zookeeper.

And male orangutans,
when they feel threatened,

tend to, you know, rip scrotums off. So...

So like us.

If I know Ken Allen Jr., and I do,
this could be a while.

Maybe we should go straight to Bud's now.

I can't let you leave. The neighborhood
is on lockdown until further notice.

What? No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

-We just live next door...
-No exceptions.

Hopefully we'll find Ken Allen Jr.
within the hour.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to knock
on more doors before he rips my nuts off.

Who else is rooting for the monkey?

So, do I just like sit there, legs spread,

kind of a like fertility goddess vibe?

Or do I just say "screw it"
and go on all fours?

Either way, we're gonna get an eyeful.

I don't want the pool back, obviously.

That was Mom.

Oh, is she heading back over?

She is not.

-What?
-Dad and Robert's place is under lockdown.

Apparently, an orangutan
escaped from the zoo.

Who are we talking? Bonkers?

Jeffrey Baumgardner? Ape Blanchett?

How does your brain determine
what facts to keep?

I'm sorry, what are we gonna do?

It's fine. Everything'll be okay.
I'm sure she'll be here soon.

-Nothing to worry about until--
-My water...

Breaks. Exactly.

Broke. Just now.

Okay, so...

we have something to worry about.

-What? What?
-Allison's water broke.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

We're trapped!

Robert, we're gonna need your shovels!

You're gonna tunnel out of here?

Oh, that's an even better idea!

It's gonna be okay.
We'll be at the hospital soon.

Everything's gonna be okay.

What was I thinking,
that I could do this at home?

-Why did you talk me into this?
-Uh... because I didn't.

I know this is not a good time,
but Allison, what moisturizer do you use?

-Your skin is so soft.
-Put me down. Put me down.

I think it's too late. I can't move.

-Stop touching me. Oh, my God!
-Okay.

Oh, God.

I think I'm having a panic attack.
Oh, it's too much.

-My chess coach was right--
-Bud!

Look at me. Get up.

Snap out of it, okay?

This baby is coming,
and we're gonna have to deal with it.

Fortunately for you,
I have some experience at home births,

and was married to a doctor
who delivered babies and was an asshole.

That last part isn't relevant,

but I think I can guide Allison
through this, okay?

You're hurting me.

Okay, I'm gonna make a break for it.

Don't be silly.
We just have to wait it out.

Wait this out, are you crazy?
I'm not missing that birth.

Now you either get on my wavelength
or you get out of my way.

Okay! Okay. Okay. Uh...

we make a beeline for the car,

and once we make it past
the police barricade, we're home free.

That's the talk momma likes.

Here we go.

Where the hell do you think you're going?
There's a killer monkey out there.

You just don't want to deal
with Oliver and Jo.

No, I do not want to deal
with Oliver and Jo,

nor a dangerously sober Grace!

Robert, have I told you
how much I love this rug?

- Why is the hair on my neck standing up?
- Phase two.

Sol, I want you to ignore that nonsense
and pay attention to this nonsense.

Now, let's go.

They're better off out there.

You know, you didn't exactly
answer my question.

Again, I really rather not have
this conversation here.

Okay, fine. But I think
we need to have it at some point.

Why don't we go home, put on
the original cast recording of Camelot,

-and talk it out.
-But we can't get home!

And I already listened to it today.

Everybody is so tense here.

Come on, Jo, plop yourself down.
Let me give you a shoulder rub.

Actually, how about we do
a shoulder rub train?

Robert? Gay guy?

Unhand me, Stormtrooper!

You promise to stop biting me?

It's involuntary.

We'll behave, Officer.

Oh, she's gonna have that baby
and I'm gonna be stuck here.

I could just die. I really could.

Oh, sweetheart.

Don't be silly.

There's so much to live for:

cake pops, and the beach...

the mysteries of Paris.

You know, even my knee surgery
is a miracle. And cake pops.

Ju-- Hmm?

That's so sweet, Phase Two.

But I don't care. I didn't give up
my life with Jacob in Santa Fe

to miss these moments.

Think how happy you'll be
when you get to hold that baby.

It won't matter
that you weren't there at the birth.

It does matter.

-Why?
-I wasn't there for the birth of our sons.

I didn't know Coyote and Bud
were adopted.

You didn't know Bud was adopted?

I'd have given anything to be there
for their first breath in the world.

And I just thought,
if I could see this one,

it might make up for missing theirs.

Oh, God, Officer...

Officer, are you not moved?

I know you are a good man.

Isn't there anything you can do?

-Ma'am, I'm sorry, but--
-Oh, you could date my daughter.

The nice one with the--
with the cheek bones.

-Mallory?
-Yeah.

Uh, give me five minutes.

Oh, I should have set him up with you.

But there's plenty of good men out there
for both of you.

Excuse me, that's really not funny.

Don't you try to be butch, Stephanie.

-What?
-I know where this story goes!

And this fit young woman isn't gonna
give you the best years of her life

so you can just ditch her for some
marionette with chinchillas for eyebrows!

I'll take that as a compliment.

Don't engage, Sol.

Why are you still here?

You have the use of your legs,

and the monkey doesn't care
about anything but scrotums,

just like your boyfriend.

He's my fiancé
and you're just a mean old bitch.

You all think we're just like you,
but here's the big difference:

no matter who I'm attracted to,
I would never cheat on Jo, okay?

-I love her, and she's my soul mate.
-I'm his soul mate.

Oh!

Soul mate! Now there...
there is a meaningless concept.

This one just said to Frankie
she was his soul mate just the other day.

Right, Sol?
Didn't keep him from leaving her.

-Uh... Uh, I...
-What did you say?

You said she was your soul mate
just the other day?

I believe that what I said was Sol-mate,

as in a mate of Sol's.

Not in the romantic or biological sense.

No, more nautical in nature,

as in the assistant
to the master of a merchant ship.

Originally,
from the Middle English, "mette."

We have to get out of here.
These people are crazy.

-We're fast. We live 20 feet away.
-I don't care if we die out there.

- Breathe.
- Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Okay, Mallory, administer the epidural.

Oh.

Honey... no.

- Oh, please...
- I know.

It was just the day.

The long drive,
the adventure, the Chili's.

I got caught up in the moment.

So you don't think Frankie
is your soul mate?

-What does it matter?
-Oh, Jesus.

What do you want me to do
with this information, Sol?

I mean, what would you do if you were me?

I have news.

I'm coming!

He's got news.

Oh, what happened?

Is it good or bad?

I just got off the phone
with my commanding officer,

and it's good news.

You shot that monkey
and now you're here to shoot me?

No. I lost my gun.

I can get you two out,
but we have to leave now.

Yes! Ha, ha!

Uh, there is one catch:

I told him that I had an emergency
with a pregnant woman about to give birth.

Oh!

Let's roll!

I'm sorry.

It's your grandchild. Go.

I promise we'll talk about this
when I get home.

So, should I get Mallory's number
from you, or just...

look her up on Facebook?
Yeah. I'll do that.

I told them not to bring me here.

They should have listened.

I'm sorry.

-What?
-I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to make things worse
between you and Sol.

Grace, is this a new phase?

remorse.

Coupled with terror.

Terror?

You know, you will be able
to drink again at some point.

Not if I die on the table. Do you know
how much it would suck to die right now?

It's the one thing
I specifically did not want to do.

-You're not gonna die.
-You don't know that!

Well, remember before my surgery,

when you told me I was not allowed to die
because you weren't done yelling at me?

Well, I'm telling you,
you're not allowed to die

because you're still not done
yelling at me.

Yeah, right.

It's that I just feel
there's so much left to do.

And I really want a drink.

You're gonna have
all the pain pills you want in two days.

That is the nicest thing
you have ever said to me.

I know that you're worried
about this soul mate business,

but, you know, what do you care?

You don't even believe in soul mates.

But Sol does.

And I guess I hoped that he might think...

I don't know,

that I was his.

Okay, stop pushing. Breathe. Breathe.

Oh, she's coming!

But if she's born underwater,
how is she gonna breathe?

She doesn't know
how to hold her breath yet.

I couldn't swim until I was 14.

I don't understand this!

Mom! You made it.

Of course I made it!

Nothing could keep Frankie Bergstein
from being here.

Now, get me my towels!

Ah.

What?

I even made it for the crowning.

Okay, now, I want you just to relax.

I'm gonna try an ancient technique
I learned with the Kalahari Bushmen

when I lived with them for a week
after I got lost from my tour group.

Here, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby...

-Jesus, Mom, that can't be how it works.
-She's coming! She's coming!

I see her shoulders!

When did I get in the baby pool?

And here she is!

Oh!

She's perfect.

Congratulations, Mommy.

Congratulations, Daddy.

Nice work, Grandma.

And you were here.

I was here.

She's beautiful.

Um, it's not a big deal,

but you have to name the baby
"Officer Torres."

♪ It was written that I would love you ♪

♪ From the moment I opened my eyes ♪

♪ And the morning when I first saw you ♪

♪ Gave me life under calico skies ♪

♪ I will hold you ♪

♪ For as long as you like ♪

♪ I'll hold you ♪

♪ For the rest of my life ♪

Okay, good night.