Original subtitles

(film roll rattling)

- Well, it's actually been happening since July.

I kind of get the feeling

that a spirit's trying to get in touch with me.

Have you ever heard of that happening?

- Yeah, I mean, definitely.

I mean I think you'd be surprised

how many times we hear something like that.

- Really?

- Oh yeah, you said it's a distinct creaking noise?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, really loud.

- And it's just a creak, it's not like a voice or a

piano? - No definitely a creak.

- Now would you say that this creak

is more of like an eeh

or is it more like an ahh?

- Name's Dave Fellows.

I'm a PI, paranormal investigator.

I started my business, The Ghoul Catchers,

with my best friend when we were 12 years old.

I've always had this connection with ghouls.

I don't know, they seem to let their guard down

when I'm around.

- Have I ever seen a ghost?

Technically, no

but Dave has seen a ton,

so I feel like I've seen one too.

Plus, I've seen a bunch of movies,

The Haunted Mansion,

and I've been on the ride in Disney World.

So there's quite a few ghosts there,

I don't know how they do that.

Casper, Hotel Transylvania,

the Godfather Part Three.

(flushes toilet)

- Anything weird happen over here?

I'm getting a lot of strange readings.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- No.

Oh, yeah, I dropped a gallon of milk over there.

- That's interesting.

- You really think the spirit got that?

- Wouldn't surprise me one smidge.

- Hey Vera,

has your freezer been making ice lately?

- No.

- Ooh, that could be a ghost.

- Yeah dude, nice catch.

- I don't know, maybe but it looks like it could be

the vent is jammed back there.

- Okay but let's not rule anything out.

- Hey, is this the sound you've been hearing?

- Yeah, that's it.

- Yes. - All right, mystery solved.

Okay, thanks Franklin.

- I mean it could've been a ghost

that broke the ice maker, right Dave?

- Are we done TJ?

How many times does this happen to us?

We get a call to investigate a haunted house

and it turns out that the ice machine's broken

or the floorboard's rickety.

- Hey, what about that one guy

who keeps emailing us about checking out his butt,

saying his butt's haunted?

Like what does that even mean?

Am I the only one

that's like actually curious about checking that thing out,

haunted butt crack?

- Doesn't even matter, dude, okay.

No one takes us seriously.

I just feel like we're never gonna find a ghost

and if we don't find a ghost

what are we even doing here?

- It's Tim.

Hey.

- Oh hey, Tim.

- Hey, what's up?

- Which hospital are you staying at?

- What?

- Yeah, you must be in a hospital, right?

Why would you have missed today then?

- Dave, I'm not in the hospital.

What's today?

- What's today, Ghoul Catchers, that's today.

We had a tip at Miss Hayes' house.

We literally waited outside of your apartment

for about 45 minutes.

Franklin almost had to break in.

- Wait, what?

- Franklin says hi.

- Hi Tim.

- Dave, I was at work.

- What?

- Jesus, again?

I work nine to five Monday through Friday.

- Is that nine to five p.m.?

- Yeah, standard hours.

Did you still want to come over for pizza tonight?

My treat.

- Yes, yes, yes.

- All right.

Dennis, get the cheesy bread.

- Oh Tim, Dave wants cheesy bread.

- No, not cheesy bread.

- And the crew, you guys good with pizza?

- What crew?

- No, okay, never mind, sorry, bye Tim.

Let's go, let's go, pizza.

- What's up, guys?

- Hey, Tim.

- What's with the camera crew?

- Oh that's my little brother's friend, Craig.

They're just gonna follow us around a little bit.

- Yeah, they're making a movie about us.

- Shut up, Franklin.

- My name's Tim Donnelly.

I started, well me and Dave started the Ghoul Catchers

when we were 12.

Did Dave say that already?

- Yeah.

- Okay, anyway, I went off to college

and I got a full time job

so I can't really hang out with the gang as much.

- You've been best friend for what 19 years now?

- Correct.

- So you know when I say this,

if you ever pull a stunt like you did today--

- Hold on, a stunt?

Dave, you mean my job.

- You sell solar panels.

- I'm preventing further deterioration of our ozone layer.

I'm doing a good thing.

- That's such a myth.

- A myth.

- Yes.

- The ozone layer is a myth

but ghosts are real?

- It's ghouls and yes, now you're getting it.

- You know, did you guys even make any money today?

- Oh my God, you know that we don't think on those terms.

- We made 90 bucks.

- 75.

- What?

- When did you only start to care about money?

- Oh I don't know, I guess probably when I started

having to pay rent,

my own car insurance, food.

- Cow.

- Just 'cause I have a job

doesn't mean I don't still love you guys.

I want to hang out.

I'm sorry I couldn't be there, dude.

Ghoul Catcher for life.

- For life?

- For life, come on.

Let's get some pizza.

I got the cheesy bread.

- Yes!

- Get some pizza.

- Ah, pizza.

- Hey guys.

Long time no see.

- I didn't mean to do that, I didn't.

I just didn't.

- That's all right, I'll clean it up.

Why don't you guys go get some food?

- I can probably fix.

- No, it's really fine.

- Dude, what is she doing here?

- Mackenzie?

- Yeah.

- She lives here.

- Since when?

- Dave you've been to my apartment several times.

There's no way you didn't know that.

- Yeah, I thought she was like your side squeeze,

like the side meal.

- Nope, I would never say that.

- That's what Franklin told me.

- Nope.

- You gotta dump that, okay?

She's gonna break up the Ghoul Catchers.

- What?

- You barely show up as it is

and now she's moving in.

- Dave, Mackenzie's lived her for over a year.

- Really?

- Yes.

- Okay, so what dude?

She's gonna yoga yourself into the Ghoul Catchers.

- What does that even mean?

- That means that her hands are on our loins.

They're on your loins

and then they're gonna be on my loins

and then Franklin's next

and her hands are all over his loins.

- That's disgusting.

- Just think about

- You guys got some pepperoni?

- So you boys went out on a hunt, is that the term?

You guys went out on a hunt today?

- Yeah, we almost caught one.

- A ghost, really?

- No, no, no, no, no, a ghoul actually.

- Oh, I didn't know there was a difference

between a ghost and a ghoul.

Is there a difference?

- Yeah, right, there's a difference.

- Well, you see it's kind of like pornography,

like you know it when you see it

and I see a lot of it.

- Okay, I can't even believe

that you guys are having this conversation right now.

Of course there's a big difference

between a ghost and a ghoul.

Okay Mackenzie so.

- Well what is it?

- Tim, explain it please.

- Yeah Tim, explain it.

- Yeah Tim, explain it.

- Tim, I would also like you

to explain it. - I don't know the difference

either.

I know we're the Ghoul Catchers.

I don't even,

I thought they were the same.

- What?

- TJ, take it.

- No, I thought they were the same too.

- Okay, Franklin, shut up.

- Okay, I'll hold it.

- Yeah good.

Ghosts, it's kind of simple,

it's a ghost, you can look,

you can see right through 'em

but ghouls, they float.

When they come together--

- They don't float.

- Thank you, Franklin, but shut up please.

Ghosts will, they'll linger,

they linger a lot and they--

- I actually don't believe in ghosts

but I am super terrified of confrontation.

My therapist says that I need to confront my issues

but I totally disagree.

- So this in simplest forms

is the difference between a ghost and a ghoul.

Clear?

- Crystal.

- That whole thing doesn't make any sense.

- Yeah, I'm not following.

- Anyway, what did you guys encounter

on your call before?

- Oh, it was just a broken ice machine.

It was nuts.

- So Dave texted Tim

to meet at this playground in 15 minutes, emergency meeting.

So I figured I'd tag along.

That was 54 minutes ago.

- It is freezing out here.

Why don't we ever meet at someone's house?

- Yeah, also why are we still meeting at playgrounds?

We're in our late 20's,

kind of a bad look, I think.

- You know, I agree with Tim.

I mean this playground's really not up to par.

The one off Maple's so much better.

This one doesn't even have a slide.

- Franklin, there's two slides right over there.

- What?

Oh my God.

- Hey guys, sorry, sorry.

I got held up.

- Making a peanut butter and jelly?

- Dude, what is she doing here?

- This is like our only day off together.

So we wanted to hang out.

- Well look, little miss lady,

this is private information, okay?

So what I say at the playground,

stays at the playground.

- What about the camera crew?

- Yeah, what I say here stays here

and to the people at home on Netflix.

Yes, Franklin?

- Can I go to the bathroom?

- Can it wait?

- Yeah.

- Good.

So listen, let's just get down to bass task, okay?

- Brass tax.

- The reason why I called this emergency meeting

'cause Craig has to hand his project in about two days

and we haven't even encountered one ghost

but tonight, we're gonna prove to them, to the world

that ghosts exist.

- How?

- Oh, how are we gonna do that Dave?

- I'm very happy you asked it because

let me explain this to you,

tonight we're going to the abandoned psychiatric center.

- Oh. - No.

- No, no. - We're not doing that.

- Yes. - What?

- What?

- Dave, that place is like super dangerous and sketchy.

- No, no, no, no,

'cause it's like in a dangerously haunted way.

- Oh.

- No, no, but we're not actually going there

because it's like the scariest place imaginable.

- Exactly.

So if there's ever a place to see a ghost or ghoul

it's there.

We don't even have to stay there all night.

We just go there till we see something

and then we catch it

and then boom, we just go home.

- No, see, actually this works out perfectly

because my mom's going on a date tonight

and she actually wants me out of the house

in case they have sex.

- She actually said that to you?

- No, she left a note on the fridge.

- That is, what?

- That's a little weird, Franklin.

- Very weird.

- What?

- Weird.

- No, it's not.

No look, my mom, right, I'm her little baby robin

and she tells me everything that's happening in the nest.

- That's even weirder.

- Okay, sorry that your mom's dead, TJ.

- What the?

- Guys, guys, relax,

TJ, to be honest, no one really cares about your dead mom,

unless you could conjure her up.

Wait, can you conjure?

It's conjure, is it ponder, is it ponder her up?

Could you ponder her up tonight?

'Cause that'd be super helpful.

Is he crying?

All right.

All right guys, look, eight o'clock, okay,

p.m., that's p.m., parking lot, psychiatric center,

meet me there.

It'll be a great meeting.

- Dave!

Yeah, this is a bad idea.

I don't think Dave fully understands

that it's an abandoned psychiatric center.

So going there you're gonna be arrested.

But that's my group of friends that I chose

so I guess in a lot of ways it's my fault.

- Hey Tim, are you doing an interview?

- Yeah buddy.

- Oh cool.

Hey can I do an interview?

- Um, no-- - I love doing interviews.

I never know what to say though.

Ah!

- Tonight's the night.

We're spending the night

at the abandoned psychiatric center.

I was nervous at first but

it can actually be a little fun.

I had a big meal before this,

so I wouldn't eat any of the snacks I brought with me.

I wanted to try something new

so I went with Indian food.

Never had it before.

It was this immaculate buffet.

I mean, the tastes, out of this world.

I have a full belly

and I am ready to go.

- He's testing me, boy,

he's really testing me.

- Who's testing you?

- Have any of you guys heard from Tim?

- No, but who's testing you?

- I didn't bring my phone.

- What?

What do you mean you didn't bring your phone?

- No one told me to bring my phone,

so I didn't bring it with me.

- It's 2018,

what do you just leave your house without your phone?

- People just bring their phones everywhere

and leave them in their pockets all the time?

- Yes!

- Dave, I really need to know

who it is, who's testing you?

- Wait. - They are?

And people just have their phones on at all times?

- Is Tim testing you?

Have either of you eaten at Jasper's Halal Buffet?

- Isn't that that place that got shut down?

- Oh yeah, I saw that on TV.

That place was like full of feces or something.

- Wait, what kind of feces?

You know what, no, I don't want to know, never mind.

I don't want to know.

- No yeah, that place,

a lot of people got sick, right?

- Yeah. - Yeah TJ, do not eat there.

- Of course not, I'm not gonna eat there,

I heard all about it.

- Possums, that's what it was, possum feces.

(gagging)

- You alright, you nervous for tonight?

- No, I just find possums gross.

- Old possums.

- I ate so much food.

I ate so much food.

And the wait staff,

they just watched,

they just kept bringing plates over and serv--

- Well it's about GD time.

- What, you said get here at eight.

- Yeah, Tim, and all right it's 8:01.

What's she doing here?

- You said I can come if I convinced him to come.

- Okay, I did.

I bet you had to use some kind of weird sex weapon

to get him here, yeah, to get him here, huh?

- Okay, everyone stop now.

- Yeah, my bad.

Franklin, knock it off.

Did you at least bring the beer?

- We were told to bring batteries.

- I also brought batteries.

- Yeah I have a trunk full of batteries

that we should probably take out.

I feel it's a safety hazard.

- Franklin, what did you tell them?

- I texted everyone, Dave says bring batteries,

just like you told me to.

- No, I told you that I would bring the batteries.

- Well, there was no way of me knowing,

I don't have my phone.

- Oh my, you I know what, fine, it's fine.

You I know what I have enough gear for everybody

so whatever. - Sweet, let's do this.

- No, you're not wearing that.

- Okay.

- I printed up a map.

So this is what I was thinking,

we'd go over to the west hallway.

A lot of people end up dying there

so it's a necessary stop and then

after that we'll go to the cafeteria.

That place is crawling with ghouls.

And then yeah, there's a morgue after that

but I feel like we just skip it and then---

- Hold on, did you say that you want to skip the morgue?

- Yeah, what?

- Wouldn't that be like the one place

that we'd want to go to

if we're looking for ghosts?

- I'm pretty sure the cafeteria is the right place to go.

- Okay.

- Is there possibly a men's room on that map

that we could stop, no particular reason, I just...

- Anybody pick up any readings out here?

I haven't checked my EMF in awhile but--

- I'm not picking up anything.

- No? - Well, I wouldn't know,

no one ever taught me how to use this thing.

- Oh, hold on, guys, sorry,

that is a digital EMF reader.

- Yeah, it measures electromagnetic fields that the,

that the ghosts they travel to and from our world

through the yeah, like picture a portal.

- Well how do you know

that ghosts travel through electromagnetic fields anyway?

I mean it's infinite possibilities.

- I don't know.

Dave, do you have an answer for this?

- Because uh...

Because they have to.

- Great.

- What?

- Why do they have to?

- Because Franklin, it's their molecular nomenclature.

Okay, when it correlates with the lymph nodes,

honestly, I don't have time to explain it to you, all right?

I learned that stuff when I was like five

so keep up.

I don't have, I can't focus on ghoul catching

and leading the team

and having to worry about keeping you up to speed, okay?

Jesus, Chris, man, you freaking idiot.

(stomach grumbling)

- Was that your stomach?

- No.

No, no. - It sounded like,

are you sure, are you okay?

- Just stop talking about it.

Just stop talking about it, I think it was a ghost.

The sounds, it travels pretty far.

That could've been an electromagnetic fields.

Is nobody beeping?

- I'm just getting a pretty distinct smell

of cat pee over here.

Are you guys getting that?

- Yeah, it's gross.

- Pretty gross.

- Pretty potent.

- Dave, what do you say we get the group

inside one of these buildings here?

- Yeah, actually that's a really smart idea, buddy.

How 'bout me and you, we split off and--

- I was thinking we'd probably go

inside a building together,

all of us.

- Well I just thought we'd cover a lot more ground

if it was just me and you

and them three just kind of go off

and we go in the morgue,

since you won't shut up about it.

- I think we're covering ground at a pretty good rate so--

- We can split up.

- Yeah see, there you go, Mackenzie.

She's growing on me.

- Are you sure you're okay with splitting up?

- Yeah, it's fine.

It'll get me a chance to get to know TJ and Franklin

a little better.

Tim and Dave have a lot to unpack.

They could use some time without a girlfriend being around.

Plus, you know, I don't think Dave likes me very much.

- I hate Mackenzie.

She's the human equivalent to a shart

and quite frankly, she makes me sad to look at.

(stomach grumbling)

You okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm fine.

- Oh yeah.

Dude, we found the morgue.

This is brilliant.

It was such a good idea.

Do you know how many bodies came through here?

- I couldn't even guess.

- Thousands.

- What a wild, okay.

- Hello, are there any spirits in here?

I don't want to startle anyone.

We're shooting a documentary

and we just need a quick glimpse of a ghost.

- Dave, I think they might come out

if you tell them more about the documentary, explain it.

- Yeah, so I'm Dave and this is Tim,

he's my best friend in the whole wide world

and we're shooting just a quick documentary

and we could just use maybe one quick sight or interview--

- Also, if you could,

if you could come out and sign some releases--

- Oh, that's perfect.

I don't have the pens.

- Oh, you don't have a pen?

Dave, I'm kidding.

- Will you just take it seriously?

- That's weird.

- What?

- I'm not picking up anything on my EMF tracker

but there's the distinct smell of sulfur in this area.

(sniffing)

Teej, do you smell that?

- I don't think so, no.

- What does a sulfur smell mean?

- It means there's definitely a ghost in this area.

Come on, let's check it out.

(sniffing)

Oh my gosh.

Are you picking up anything on your reader?

- No, oh my God, that's awful.

- It's not that bad.

- No, that is bad.

Wow, that is definitely sulfur.

Oh my gosh.

There could be a ghost right on top of us.

Hey, make sure you're getting this.

(stomach grumbling)

- Oh God, oh sweet Lord in heaven.

(stomach grumbling)

I'm fine.

(sniffing)

- That's the worst thing I've ever smelt.

- Wow, it's almost like it's getting more powerful.

Oh God, that is really bad down here.

It's like, it must be a child.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm getting a little bit light headed.

Teej, are you not picking up anything?

- No, no, no, nothing, nothing.

We should probably go check another room.

- When we're with a ghost

right here right now, no way, no way.

We're not giving this up, okay.

We are getting great footage.

Keep going.

(sniffing)

Is anybody here with us?

- Still not picking anything up out there.

I feel like there's something

definitely in the room with us.

Do you feel it, Tim?

- Nope, not really.

- Did you hear that?

- What?

I didn't hear anything.

- Dude, play it up for the cameras.

They'll just edit it in post.

- Dave, this is so stupid.

- What's stupid?

- This, ghost hunting.

- Ghoul hunting.

- Okay, yeah, whatever,

we're wasting our Saturday night

inside a psychiatric center.

- You don't have to be here.

- I don't have to be here?

You call me every week harassing me to go on a ghoul hunt.

- Harassing you?

You used to love this, okay?

Yeah, until Mackenzie came along.

- Dave, I used to love this when we were 12.

I didn't think we'd be doing it

for another 15 years.

And that's another thing,

why don't you like Mackenzie?

She tries so hard to get you to like her

and all you do, you're a jerk to her.

- I don't dislike Mackenzie, okay?

I just don't like when she comes in between

our ghoul hunting.

- Mackenzie's not coming in between our ghoul hunting,

it's me.

- What?

- We're 27 years old

and all you care about is going to places like this

to ghost hunt.

Grow up.

- Look, I know that we've been doing this for 15 years,

I just kind of wish it was Mackenzie

who was the one that stopped you from hanging out with me.

- I know.

- I don't even know if I believe in ghosts or anything.

- Dave.

- I know, every time I go into a room and I say

if something's in the rooms,

it's just like cavities.

- Dave.

- I don't know how many cavities

a normal 27-year-old has--

- Dave stop, look behind you!

- I now Franklin's probably behind me but--

- No, no, Dave, look behind you,

there's a ghost.

(yelling) (gunfire blasting)

- What was that?

- I don't know,

it sounded like a bunch of screams

coming from another room

although there was one at the end

that sounded pretty close to us.

- No, no, I'm pretty sure that was

still pretty far away.

- Oh God, the sulfur smell is back.

- Whew, this ghost is right on our trail.

- It smells so bad.

It's like decomposing corpses.

- I know right, it's so bad

but anyway, back to those screams,

it sounded like it came

from the other side of the psych center like the morgue.

- That's where Tim and Dave are.

We have to go check on them.

- Oh damn, we're gonna miss out on this ghost.

- No, no, we're not.

I'll stay behind,

I'll investigate more here.

- Are you sure?

Are you gonna be okay on your own?

- Yeah, I'll be (gagging)

I'll be fine, I'll be fine.

- Okay, my little soldier.

- Franklin, come on.

- I'll catch up with you guys.

(stomach gurgling)

Oh dear God, oh dear God.

- That was insane.

- Yeah I know, right?

- Hey, what was the deal with the gun?

- Pretty awesome, right?

Finally made America great again.

- No, no, where did you even get a gun from, Dave?

- Come to think of it,

I don't even remember.

- That is so upsetting.

- I know, right?

Man, my memory is shot these days.

- It's a ghost.

Wouldn't the bullets just go straight through it?

- I don't know, they have ears.

They heard it,

they could probably run away or something,

scare 'em off.

I went into mama bear mode.

I thought you'd be proud.

I was trying to protect you.

- Okay, thank you.

We should call Mackenzie.

- Yeah, call Mackenzie.

- Wait, duh, I'm holding onto her phone.

She doesn't have pockets.

- Feminism.

- I'll call TJ.

- Feminism.

- That doesn't even apply.

Do you know?

- It's Hilary, she's the reason for it.

- TJ.

- Hey, buddy.

- Are you guys all right?

- Me?

I'm fine, just doing some solo investigation, you know?

- Wait, are you not with Franklin and Mackenzie?

- Nope, they went to investigate

the girlish screams from the morgue.

- How long ago did they leave, do you know?

- Yeah, that's crazy.

Anyway, I really have to go.

I'm pretty sure something's about to happen.

Oh my God, not again. - TJ, no, don't hang up.

TJ, TJ?

- Did he see another ghost?

- No, something's going on there though

but Franklin and Mackenzie are headed this way.

They're going to the morgue.

- All right, sweet, they'll see the ghost.

- No, we gotta go in there and save them.

- This time, I'll hit the ghost.

- Dave, stop bringing guns with you everywhere.

- Okay fine, let's go.

- You can't leave the gun there.

- Ghosts can't pick up guns.

- A kid could find it.

- Okay so what?

It's barely loaded at this point.

- Dave, take the gun.

- All right, fine.

- Dave.

- I'm coming.

(grunting)

(pooping and screaming)

- I think the sound came from this way.

Are you getting any readings?

- No, I put my EMF away, it died.

- Don't we have like an abundance of batteries?

- No, I don't think so.

Oh God, okay, do you remember the,

what's the, do you remember those white bears?

Do you remember what their name is?

- Mmhmm, yeah, polar bears.

- No, no, no, the white ones, Santa's friends.

- Yeah, polar bears.

- No, I don't, no, they're like,

on the Coca-Cola commercials, the Klondike ones.

- It's definitely polar bears.

- No. - Yes.

- No, it's, that's not even,

oh, they're like on the polar ice caps.

God, this is gonna kill me,

oh it's gonna eat me alive.

Anyway, you know which ones I'm talking about, right?

- I do, Franklin, I do.

- I think Tim's girlfriend

might have some sort of crush on me.

I never really thought of Mackenzie in that way.

I mean Tim's one of my best friends.

I don't know,

I don't know if I can see me and Mackenzie being a thing.

- Tim? - Dave?

- Are you guys in here?

- Yeah, we heard someone scream.

We didn't know if maybe you saw a ghost or something.

- Oh God, what if something happened to Tim?

Do you think they're okay?

- No, no, you know what, I'm sorry,

either way, it'd be really disrespectful to Tim

if you and me, you know,

I couldn't do that to Tim, I'm sorry.

- What?

- Oh thank God.

What are you still doing here?

How much of that did you see,

are you still recording?

Where is this gonna fit into the story?

You (bleep) sicko

Oh God.

Why haven't you sent for help yet?

Oh, I'm clearly not well.

Oh sweet, Jesus.

Oh God.

(throwing up)

- I'm just saying, think about it,

if Mackenzie were to die,

you'd have like a really cool back story.

- What?

- Yeah, like that show Supernatural,

their mom died,

so they just went around hunting supernatural things.

That would be like you but with your girlfriend.

That's a really cool backstory.

I kind of wish I had a backstory.

What if Mackenzie was my girlfriend

and she got murdered by a ghost serial killer

but we just didn't know that she was two-timing both of us?

We could be like ghost eskimo,

ghostkimo bros - Dave, Dave,

you gotta stop. - New name of the show.

- You're driving me crazy

and they're right over here.

- Oh shit.

- Dave, Dave. - Hi, thank God,

yeah, we're fine.

Are you guys okay?

We heard screaming, so we rushed over here.

- Well, Dave and I saw a ghost.

(gasps)

- Well, it was a ghoul, actually but besides the point dude

because we actually saw one.

- Did you shoot it?

- I missed.

- It's okay.

- Franklin, you knew Dave had a gun on him the entire time?

- Dave, Dave is always packing heat.

Hey, didn't I give you that gun?

- Dude, that's where I,

I couldn't remember where I found it

but you gave it to me,

that's where it was.

- You guys are idiots.

- Um idiots who are always ready to fight terrorism

at a moment's notice.

- What the (bleep)?

- Did you have that on you the entire time?

- I don't remember.

Let's go kill some ghosts.

- No, he brought up a good point before.

The bullets, they just go right through 'em.

- Oh, damn it.

- Yeah.

- Oh that's a good point.

- I know.

- Oh, well I guess there's no need for this anymore, huh?

- Why are you both so stupid?

You can't just throw a gun down.

- Um, Tim, ghouls can't pick up guns.

- Dude, don't even try,

I explained this like a hundred times before.

- No, you idiots, a kid could find it

plus, your fingerprints are all over it.

- Whoa.

- Oh my God, Mackenzie,

right now, seriously, right in front of Tim?

- What? - What?

- Look Tim, I didn't want to have to do this but

your girlfriend's been hitting on me all night.

I'm pretty sure she even tried to kiss me at one point.

- What the (bleep) are you saying?

We've had one conversation the whole night

and it was about the fact

that you couldn't remember the name

of the white bears.

- Wait, polar bears?

- I said that. - That's it, polar bears.

Oh my gosh.

- Tim, Tim, no, I said that, no, I said that.

- Bolar bears, bolar bears.

- I told him that when you were talking

about the Klondike bar thing,

the Coca-Cola thing.

- Wait guys, shut up, shut up.

Do you feel that?

My EMF's going crazy.

(dramatic music)

(EMF beeping)

(screaming)

Craig, Craig, Craig, I think we're good,

I think we outran it.

I think we're good.

- I can't believe we just saw that.

Oh my God.

- Dude, we proved that ghosts exist.

- We did, we did.

- Wait, TJ.

- Oh no. - Where'd you guys see him?

- Last we saw him was in that west hallway, I think.

- Yeah, did he text anyone?

I don't have my phone.

- We gotta go back. - Wait, he texted me.

"Hey guys, sorry I had to go home early, family emergency."

- Dude, it's two a.m.

Who has a family emergency at two a.m.?

- Yeah, what did his mom die again?

- Dude, nice.

- No, what is wrong with you?

- Well, at least we know that TJ's safe.

Can we go home now?

This place is creeping me out.

- Yeah, same.

- Let's get out of here.

Pizza on Tim?

- My name's Randy, Randy Newman.

No relation to the,

I'm a security guard here

at the Kings Guard Psychiatric Center.

They actually closed down this psychiatric center in 1979

due to budget cuts by the state.

My job isn't too crazy,

keep the place clean,

make sure that no homeless people setting up shop,

teenagers causing trouble.

Once in awhile, you get a dog thinks he owns the place,

(bleep) all over it.

We have an epidemic facing the psychiatric center.

It's the war on littering.

Littering is the gateway drug to vandalism.

Graffiti, paint, nothing too detrimental, you know?

That door's not supposed to be open.

Just stay here for a second,

let me go check it out.

This door should be oh my God, oh my God.

Oh God, someone took a (bleep) in here.

Oh my Lord.

Son of a (bleep).

Oh, my God, it smells so bad.

(throwing up)

Did you guys know about this?

(throwing up)

You sons of (bleep), you get back here.

Did you take a (bleep) in here?

How could you do this to me?

There is (bleep) everywhere,

all over my shoes, everywhere.

(panting)

I knew you weren't doing a documentary

on security guards named Randy.

(humming)

- All right, sorry about that, Mr. Fellows.

It's been kind of a crazy night for us here

as you can probably imagine.

I'm Detective West, by the way.

- Dave.

- Dave, I know that you probably

went through your story already with an officer

but I'm gonna need you to tell it to me.

- I've been here for like four hours.

- Dave, there's a report of a dead body

and you're the only person who knows where it is.

If you walk away right now,

that doesn't look good.

- All right, fine.

But if I'm gonna do this story any justice,

I'm gonna start at the end

and work back to the middle,

definitely a prologue, end credit scene.

- What?

Why would you do that?

Just start from the beginning.

- Well, I thought you would want

like a more engaging narrative.

- No, don't, no, don't dress up your story

using some cheap narrative tool

that writers use.

- So I'll just start from the beginning.

- From the beginning.

- It was a pretty normal day, all in all.

It was the day after my friend Franklin's funeral.

We were meeting at this lady lawyer's office,

which I'm fine with, by the way.

So this lady is a real lawyer?

- Yes.

- Hmm.

- She?

- What?

- Nothing.

- Wow.

- Happy you made it.

I didn't know if you were gonna come.

- Yeah, yeah, me either.

What's up with Craig being here?

- They're doing the where are they now part of the docu

so they tagged along.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- What?

- Are you telling me this camera crew

was following you around the whole time?

- Yes.

- Why can't you just give me that footage?

Then I can see what happened.

- I can

but I freaking tell the story so much better than Craig.

Okay, that hack job completely butchered the freaking edit.

- What are you doing?

- What?

- Don't look in the camera.

You just did it again.

- No, I didn't.

- Stop doing it.

- You're just like Craig.

- Who is Craig?

- Do you want me to keep going or no?

- Fine.

- Kind of weird that they started filming

a where are they know

right as Franklin...

- Died?

Franklin's dead, TJ.

- Yeah, anyway, how are you guys holding up?

- Hanging in there.

- It was just so sudden.

- I never actually,

I never heard how Franklin passed away.

Do you guys know?

- He was actually going to,

he was heading to--

- Ah (bleep).

- What's that?

- Mackenzie's here.

Don't look now, she hasn't seen you yet.

Just come in here, get in here.

- This isn't gonna work.

Please stop.

I don't need your help.

I'm fine, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

- Dave, TJ, Tim, how are you?

- I'm well.

How are you?

- Fine, thanks, hanging in there.

- So soon after we discovered that ghosts existed

at the psychiatric center,

we got a development deal from Travel Channel

to turn Ghoul Catchers into a TV show.

Anyway, two weeks into filming the first season,

Tim started getting suspicious

that Mackenzie was cheating on him.

We all thought nothing of it.

We were like, Tim, you're crazy.

But after one long night of shooting,

Tim walked back to his trailer,

thought he heard something,

swung open the door and what did he see?

Mackenzie just going to town on some dude.

And who was that dude, you ask?

None other than Franklin Geller.

Whew, Tim quit the show,

Mackenzie and Franklin started dating,

it was a whole big thing.

We haven't seen Tim since.

So wow, you missed a lot.

- Thank you so much

for taking the time to come in today.

- Thank you

for everything that you go through.

- Okay.

I'm really-- - I almost voted for Hilary.

- Please stop.

Stop.

- I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.

I'm sure that was really hard for you guys

and I know you were all very close.

- Tim wasn't.

Well, towards the end, anyway but,

that's all in the past though, right buddy?

- Yeah.

- Infidelity.

- Dave.

- Bitch.

- Okay, so in the event of his death,

Franklin Geller has made a last will and testament.

Yeah?

- Is that when we get his stuff?

- Yeah.

All right, so I'm just gonna show you guys this

'cause I got to get you out of here.

All right, here we go.

(upbeat music)

- Hi guys.

If you're watching this, I'm dead.

I know, don't freak out,

it was no one's fault,

unless I was murdered,

in which case it was definitely someone's fault.

And if I was murdered,

Dave, I want you to track whoever they are,

wherever they are,

find them and bring them to justice please.

Start in St. Louis, I can't say why.

Imagine if I was murdered.

Oh my God, that'd be horrible.

Whoa, I really hope I don't get murdered.

Sorry, I digest.

Anyway, there are a few things

that I'd like to ask all of you

and there's also a few valuables

which I would like to bequeath upon you.

First things first,

please do not tell my mom I'm dead.

She has no idea and I think she'll really freak out.

Also, if we're going with the I was murdered thing,

definitely investigate her.

She's been like super unhinged

ever since me and Mackenzie moved in together.

Speaking of Mackenzie,

my first message.

Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim,

Tin, Tin, Tin, Tin,

Tim, Tim, Tim, Tin, Tin, Tin.

- Is he saying Tin or Tim?

- You know, I never really got a chance to tell you but

I'm sorry.

I truly fudged up big time.

This has been eating away at me for a long time now

and I think it's just time I give it to you straight

and tell you the honest truth and

that is that I borrowed your neon green phone charger

that one time I slept over your house

and I never gave it back.

I feel like I really betrayed your trust

and I just hope that you can forgive me.

- Am I upset about the phone charger?

Not too much.

Although I did plan a good chunk of my life

around that phone charger,

supported that phone charger financially for

well over a year.

I even bought that phone charger

this engagement ring

which I'll probably never get a chance to use now

'cause of my abandonment issues.

- Next, Mackenzie,

my little butterball, my Italian sex pirate,

(speaking in foreign language),

my little chicken parmesan with a little basil on top,

sans the cheese,

I will never forget our first kiss.

Tim's car, that's right he went into the 7-Eleven

to get you a water bottle

and we just locked lips

like a couple of horny high schoolers.

Oh man, we were probably only kissing

for like a minute or two but

it felt like were playing tongue hockey for hours.

Don't worry, I won't tell Tim.

- (bleep) The both of you. - I pass onto you

my Beanie Baby collection.

You know how much that means to me and I want,

I want you to keep it alive for me,

for us, my honey, my sweet pea,

my little chicken parmesan.

I'm sorry.

Moving right along, Dave, my best friend, Dave.

Okay, Dave, you're my best friend

in the entire world.

What a ride it has been. - That's not true.

- My man, truly.

Look, if I'm being honest,

I always thought you'd be the first to go.

You lived fast and you took chances.

I love that about you.

Here I am dead as a doornail.

Probably murdered.

Anyway, Dave, I'm giving you

my most valuable item, my poems.

Most of you probably don't know this about me but uh

I have a bit of a green thumb,

I write poetry.

And it's something I'm really proud of.

Now Dave, since I'm dead,

these poems are going to be worth a lot more

than when I was alive.

I stole a few from Shel Silverstein

but this probably should still be the ticket.

Next, TJ, Teej,

oh TJ, I know we've been buds for a really long time

but I never feel like we really connected.

So I couldn't really think

of anything sentimental to give you,

plus which, I already gave Dave all my poems,

all 621 of 'em,

so I guess I'll just give you

the remaining balance on any of my bank accounts.

- What?

- Which is about $284,000, sorry.

Also, while I'm in heaven,

I'm definitely gonna say hi to your mom,

unless your mom's in hell.

Oh wow, you know what,

she probably is in hell,

she definitely is in hell.

You don't get to go to heaven for killing yourself so.

Guys, what to say, I don't know,

thank you for everything.

I've had a really incredible time being your friend.

Thank you for making me feel

like I'm a part of something.

You guys have given me the best memories of my life.

I'm so grateful.

I'll be looking down at you from Ghoul City,

Ghoul Catchers for life.

I love you guys.

Take care of my son.

Bye.

All right, I think we got it.

Did I mention Tim's char--

(upbeat music)

- Wow, that must've been really tough

losing a best friend.

- Yeah, I can't even imagine that.

- I'm sorry, maybe I missed it,

how did your friend die?

- Who?

- Frank.

- Franklin.

- Franklin.

- Oh, no he's not really dead.

- What?

- No, he faked his death.

- You faked your friend's death?

- Yeah, so it's a good plot twist, mic drop.

- Why would you do that?

- I don't know.

Tim wasn't really talking to any of us

after the whole Mackenzie situation.

So we just thought that

fake Franklin's death,

Tim gets sad,

we're best friends again, boom.

- You people are--

- What do you mean, you people?

- I meant nothing.

Just tell me what happened

after you left the lawyer's office, please.

- Right after we dug up Franklin's body,

we just made a Z-line straight to Tim's house.

- Oh my God.

- Hey Tim.

Tim, wake up.

Tim, Tim, hey buddy.

- Dave, what are you doing in my house?

- Not just Dave, hi Tim.

Wait, no, don't go back to sleep,

we have a surprise for you.

- Please get out of my house.

Did you guys bring the whole camera crew?

- No, we have a surprise for you.

- What?

- Hi Tim.

I know.

- Dave.

Why's Franklin alive?

- It's awesome, isn't it?

- What's happening?

- We faked my death.

- Why?

- Well because you would know what it's like

to lose Franklin forever

and you would cherish his friendship,

I mean all of our friendships.

- Yeah, and now you're not mad at Franklin anymore.

- You thought by faking Franklin's death

somehow I would be less mad?

- Well yeah, I mean it worked, right?

- No, it didn't work.

Now I hate all of you, all of you

and Franklin, I hate you even more.

- Even more, what did I do?

- I'm gonna kill you, I'm gonna kill you.

Get out, get out, get out of my house.

Get the (bleep) out.

- Hey Tim, lower your voice,

it's very early.

Your parents are probably trying to sleep, asshole.

- Get out!

- Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

You could give me a million guesses,

I would never have thought he would react like that.

- Yeah that was,

that did not go well.

- Tim was mad,

like really, really, really mad.

He would not stop yelling.

- Yeah, what the hell was that about?

- Well, he still handled it better than Mackenzie.

(screaming)

- Oh my God.

Oh my God.

- So what are we gonna do guys?

It's like back at square one.

Tim hates Franklin again

- And us.

- And us.

I mean we're never gonna get Tim back now.

I mean damn it, Franklin,

why did you have to smash Mackenzie so well?

- Wait, I have an idea.

- Do you want to kill Mackenzie too?

Because I am so down.

- No, Dave listen,

you and Tim were always best friends growing up, right?

- Yeah, so?

- So maybe instead of faking my death

to get us all back together,

we should've faked your death instead.

- Franklin, that is a great idea.

- Oh no.

You didn't?

- Yeah.

- Damn it, how do you guys

keep getting into my house?

- Oh that's not important.

- Tim, we have some news for you.

- What?

- You might want to sit down for this.

- No thanks.

- Tim, Dave passed away.

(crying)

- No, no, we're not doing that again.

- No, no, no, we're being serious this time.

- Yeah, he made a video will.

I watched it earlier.

There's some really powerful stuff on this.

- He made a will, really?

How did Dave die?

- Lawn mower. - Ice fishing.

- He was using a lawn mower

while he was ice fishing and it exploded everywhere.

- You guys are idiots.

Dave, Dave you can come out now.

Dave, come on, I know you're here.

I'm not mad anymore.

- Really?

- No, of course I'm still mad.

Now will you guys stop faking each other's deaths

and get out of my house?

- Did you guys show him the video?

- We tried.

- He wouldn't watch it.

- What?

I dropped like eight grand on that thing.

- Dave, this has to stop.

- Will you at least just hear me out for a second?

- Fine, one second.

- All right, well, I guess,

the reason why we're doing all these crazy schemes

and faking our deaths is

I don't know man, the Ghoul Catchers

kind of sucks without you.

- Yeah, we did two seasons after you left

but I don't know,

it just felt like we were missing something.

- Yeah, the network said we were missing diversity,

whatever that means,

but I think what we're really missing

is all the ghoul catchers.

- Yeah, and if we don't have all the ghoul catchers,

we all agreed we're not doing shoes.

- We're not doing show, the show.

- What?

Tim, come on, we're not doing the show?

- I don't know, guys.

- Look, Tim, I don't have to go this route but

do it for Dave, he's dead.

- No no, no, we're passed that.

- Oh yeah, sorry.

- You should watch,

I'm just gonna leave this here.

- I mean guys I left for a reason.

- Yeah and I know

and Franklin's really sorry.

- Yes, Tim, I am so sorry about the phone charger.

I betrayed you on that--

- See, this is what I'm talking about.

He doesn't even know.

He doesn't even know.

- Mackenzie.

- Mackenzie.

- Oh, oh that,

ah okay right,

Tim, Tin, Tin, Tin, Tin,

Tin, Tinny Tin, Tin, Tim, man,

I'm so sorry about the whole Mackenzie thing,

like truly, I really betrayed you

and what I did was immature and selfish

and I should not have done it,

taking Mackenzie from you

that was really below the belt.

I'm sorry, truly.

And look, if it's any consolation,

me and Mackenzie are no longer together.

- Really?

- Yeah, yep, she broke up with me

'cause of the whole faking my death thing

and then I pretended to be a zombie

and she went into an elliptical seizure

and then now she's in the hospital.

It's kind of this whole big thing.

Don't worry about it, it's fine.

- It's on the--

- Yeah, it's on that.

You should watch it.

- You should watch it.

It's on there.

- Please Tim.

- Look, I don't want to have to say this but

we could really use the money if you came back.

Yeah, so if you don't pay your taxes,

the IRS comes after you.

So I just tried to smooth things over

and I sent a whole bunch of cash in the mail

but I labeled it to the IRF,

and that stands for the Iraqi Revolutionary Fund.

Good news is that the ISIS wiped out,

they took care of them,

but Wolf Blitzer has called them the super ISIS.

- Tim, would you please come back?

'Cause I really don't want to not do the show.

- All right, fine.

- Wait really?

Yes! - Yeah, I miss you guys.

I really do. - Oh yes.

Hey Ghoul Catchers for life.

- For life.

- For life.

Woo!

- So that's it,

that's how the Ghoul Catchers

got their groove back.

- That's great.

I'm glad you got your friend back

but you didn't tell me anything about the murder.

- I never said murder.

- So you just found a dead body?

- Not dead, at least not dead yet.

- What does that mean, not dead yet?

- Well see, right after we got the Ghoul Catchers back,

surprise, surprise, Tim got angry again.

But this time it was at TJ.

So what do we do?

We only got one play in the book.

- You faked his death.

- We faked his death.

It was over like apple pie or something,

I don't really remember.

But we were just gonna do the whole faking TJ's death again

so that Tim can get back to his senses

like we did the first and second time

but then Tim was just still like really upset

about TJ eating the last apple pie slice.

TJ ate the last apple pie slice, that's what happened.

TJ ate the last slice of apple pie,

so Tim got mad.

So TJ kills himself.

- What the hell is wrong with you people?

- Oh no, it gets much worse.

We were supposed to go dig him up today

but Franklin's way too weak

and I have artist's hands,

I don't have manual labor hands.

So actually detective--

- West.

- Detective West,

how would you feel if you helped us unbury our friend?

- Your friend is underground right now.

- Yes.

- You know you don't have to bury your friend

when they fake their own death, right?

- How you holding up, TJ?

- Not great.

I ate all of my snacks in the first day.

So that was kind of a bad start.

By day two,

I realized I was the one who does all the digging.

So I was certain no one would save me

and I lost all of day three

because of the realization of day two.

So that was fun.

By the time day four rolled around,

I was kind of at peace with things.

So I was ready to go and I was already buried,

the hard part was over.

- Dude, you were down there for like five hours.

- No, no I was down in pure darkness for days.

It wasn't five hours.

- No, no not at all.

- How about we just all agree

to stop faking each other's deaths?

No more.

- I think that phase.

- Hey, isn't it really great

that we're all back together again?

- Yeah,

I guess it is, buddy.

- Yeah, I'm getting pretty hungry,

anybody want some food?

- Oh yeah, I could use something.

- I am starving,

I haven't eaten in days.

So let's feast.

- Five, five hours.

- It was days.

- Five hours.

- Hey boo.

(laughs)

You're so cute.

Yeah no, no, no, no TJ's good,

we're good, we got him out.

Yeah, no, he's alive, he's fine.

Oh, Tim, no yeah, Tim's okay.

Hey sweetheart, no, no, no, no, no,

it's fine, it's fine,

he's really fine, you don't have to be worried.

- Franklin.

- What's up?

- Are you serious?

Are you dating Mackenzie again?

- No, Tim, you know I'm past that.

You know I would never do that to you.

It's your mom.

Sorry sweetheart, yeah, just hold on.

(laughing)

- I told him that.

- I'm gonna kill him.

I'm gonna kill him.

- No, Franklin run!

- Yo got to bury him first.

(adventurous music)

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't move.

Have you

seen my gun anywhere?

- What?

- This isn't good.

I hope I didn't leave it in the laundry.

- Where were you before this?

- I came straight here, I think.

No, I went to Ihop.

I left it on the table at Ihop.

They're not gonna believe me

that it happened a third time.

(laughing)