Original subtitles

Broadcast TV Family Night may now commence.

All the content you can stream online,

plus you get the commercials for free.

I heard there's a new ad for Lincoln

where Matthew McConaughey just turns into a gentle breeze

and moves through a wheat field.

I present, for your Epicurean pleasure,

The Popcorn Bar,

complete with artisanal butters and toppings.

The popcorn's in glasses?

We're not dukes!

Can't we just have it the normal way,

folded up in our shirts?

You can eat it any way you --

And where are all the un-popped kernels?

I'm just supposed to munch away happily

without the risk of breaking a tooth?

Risk equals reward, Steve!

Greg: We interrupt this silent film

to bring you a high-speed pursuit.

A warning for our more sensitive viewers --

so far, this chase has been badass.

Memphis Stormfront: It's not déjà vu, folks.

You're looking at the white Ford Bronco

previously owned by O. J. Simpson

and stolen this evening

from the Metropolitan Museum of Sports Memorabilia.

Stan, your dad!

The driver has now been identified as Jack Smith,

former jewel thief, bus driver,

and seasonal evil spirit of Christmas.

Oh, here we go!

[ Gunfire]

Oh, they got him!

They got him! Yes!

Right in the face!

Obviously, a tragic end here.

At a time like this, you just hope

The Juice isn't watching.

Oh, my God!

There is so much popcorn on the floor!

This is why we need a dog, Francine.

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say

♪ Good -- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

Anyway, if you drop an octave,

it might help you sound less like your mother on the phone.

Why do you have to nitpickevery little thing I do?

I'm helping you become a man.

This is what my father did for me and his father did for him.

I'm gonna make a man out of you.

Or die trying!

Aah!

Oh, what a nightmare.

Need something to calm my nerves.

Perhaps some step-sibling porn on the ol' kitchen desktop.

Oh, you're up, too.

[ Sighs ]It's your grandpa's funeral.

There are so many little details.

Should we wait for Hayley and Jeff

to come back from their camping trip?

Oh, gosh, Hayley.

How 'bout we take lots of pictures,

and if she ever finds out, we show them to her.

Smart.

Okay, imagine you're at the funeral.

You're, what, sad?

But you're also hungry.

I... Bagel bites!

Yes!

This funeral's really coming together!

Shouldn't Dad be helping with this?

Oh, no! I'm having fun.

Plus, your dad's been spinning out

since he saw Grandpa Jack get shot to pieces on TV.

[ Rock music playing ]

Dad! It's 2:00 a.m.!

Jack who?

He didn't say anything about Jack.

Don't these kids have school in the morning?

I'm not avoiding anything.

Can -- Can you stop for a second?!

I-I had a bad dream!

Steve, you're killing the vibe here.

This isn't really your scene. These kids are cool.

Stan, put down your big guitar

and talk to your son about your dad.

No!

You knew I was all about the music when you married me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, me and my band, Fetus,

have to get back to jacking -- get -- get jack to jamming --

My dad hated me -- back to jamming!

Guys, play "Had a Dad"!

Ahhhhh, wubawuba!

What's going on?

[ Laughs ]It's officially our anniversary.

I got you something.

It's long and hard and it's in my sleeping bag.

Surprise!

You bought me...

an oar?

Found you. Do you like it?

Do I like it?

An oar?!

An oar!

Great minds, right?!

We're the great minds!

[ Imitating guitar ]

I can't wait to get this home and really see what it can do.

The sky's the limit!

We could scoot pizzas into those big ovens!

Or we could stir a giant tub of yogurt!

Or we could paddle out on the river!

Totally.

But first, oar fight!

Alright!

Now we can go canoeing.

Bagel bite?

Hell, yeah!

I gotta say I'm loving this funeral, Frannie.

It's a hit!

It's fun, right?

Dad still isn't here.

Start without him.

That feels weird.

It's my day, and we start when I stay we start!

Thank you for joining us today.

My Grandpa Jack was...

[ Rock music playing ]

Stan: Ahhhh, wubawuba!

♪♪

Oh, he had a breakfast gig.

Stop! I said stop, Jeremy!

Are you kidding me?! You rushed the verse!

Sorry. Apology not accepted, Jeremy.

You left us back there!

You le-- You left me!

You just sped away!

I was a little kid, man!

What?

I was never good enough for you, and, boy,

did you let me know it!

You ruined everything!

Jeremy!

[ Crying ]

[ Van door opens, closes ]

[ Stan continues crying ]

Jeremy!

No, no, no, no, no, Jeremy!

Wow. Jeremy really [bleep] up.

[ Stan crying ]

Maybe we can lure him out of the van with a surprise.

What does Stan like?

Ooh, how about a trampoline?!

I'm not sure empty trampoline promises are gonna fix this.

Empty? What the f--

I feel so helpless.

What Stan really needed was a chance to forgive Jack,

but that's impossible now.

Not necessarily!

Hi, Chantilly Dubois, world-class medium.

Well, no formal training, of course,

so really more of a medium medium.

We need to throw Stana séance.

You really think you could get in touch with Jack?

Bless your heart, no. I'm more of a charlatan.

But I do a couple fun things --flickering candles,

little magnets to make stuff wiggle.

Sorry, how is this helpful?

Stan only has to believe we can contact spirits.

I tell him Jack says sorry.

Stan can finally forgive his dad. Boom!

We each have the rest of the afternoon to do our own thing.

I don't know. This --

This whole thing could backfire and leave Dad even worse off.

I say let's risk it.

Who cares, right?

What the hell is this?

I thought you said we got a trampoline.

- Ohh, did you promise him a -- - Not now.

Stan, please sit down.

I sense someone close to you died.

Your... dad.

I'm not doing this.

Please, Stan!

Jack's death was hard on everyone.

We just want to find some closure, for all of us.

[ Sighs ]

Spirit realm, hear our call!

Let our voices guide you through the veil

so you may move among us.

Look at the salt go!

Roger. Fine.

We call on Jack Smith.

Please commune with us!

Welp, we tried. I'm out.

Jack: Stan.

[ All gasp ]

Dad! It's you.

Oh, shit, I might be the real deal.

There's so much I want to say to you.

What are you wearing?

I'm dead a week and you start dressing

like a lesbian Raider fan?!

Dad! I'm trying to forgive you!

[ Chuckles ]

Aw, you've been crying, Shirley Temple?

Your makeup's running.

I told you this could backfire, Roger.

Get rid of him.

Leave him alone! Shoo!

I'm goin', I'm goin'! You think I wanna be here?

I should be rubbin' my wood on the Pearly Gates about now.

Oof!

Okay, nobody panic, but it seems I might have

bound Jack's spirit to the house.

Oh, perfect. I'm s-- Holy hell, Stan.

With the lights on, I can really drink you in.

Those pants are just painted on, aren't they?

Oh, it's a shame you got your mother's penis.

Who's that kid with brain damage?

That's Young Sheldon.

Is he the good guy or the bad guy?

There's no good or bad.

Steve, which one is your friend again?

What? None of them.

Ah, this movie is too confusing!

Ooh, I've gotta dump some ectoplasm.

Well, it's -- it's fun having Jack around.

He's the worst!

He keeps putting "vagina" on the shopping list.

He keeps calling me "pure" and measuring my thighs.

I do not like it.

Well, at least he's nice to you.

He's just mean to me.

We have to find a way to get rid of him!

Like an exorcism.

Wait!

Doesn't Hayley have a bunch of old witch books in the garage?

Oh, right! Her Wiccan phase.

I still have the little effigy she made of each of us.

I poke 'em every once in a while.

You guys ever feel that?

Jack: Stan! Nobody buys single-ply TP!

I just touched my own butt hole because of you, you limp dildo!

Alright, garage! Go, go, go!

Okay, maybe this is something.

In Japanese legend, ghosts can be trapped in our world

until they resolve a deep emotional conflict.

Jack's not even Japanese, Steve.

Did the boy screw up?

Call him a dildo!

Hey, what's with all the books?

You guys tryin' to get rid of me?

What?! Grandpa! Come on!

It's alright. I hate it here, too.

And I have an idea.

During my world travels,

I once attended a sacred ritual to help a spirit move on,

deep in the heart of Sacramento.

I can replicate it.

Wow, Sac-Town.

Tampa of the West.

Sac-Town's the Orlando of the West!

San Diego's Tampa.

So, it's $50 to rent for the day.

Includes all the gear -- life vests, oars,

and one warm red PowerAde.

Both: We brought oars. Hey!

Jinx! [ Both laugh ]

You two married?

Then you'll need separate canoes.

What? No way.

Yeah, the whole point of canoeing

is we get to do it together.

If you value your relationship, get two canoes!

The young couples I seen come through here,

none of them was strong enough!

Oh, the river broke their hearts.

Hey!

What's that?

I canoe hear you!

Jeff: Did you just say, "canoe hear you"?

Uh-huh.

[ Both laugh ]

W-Why?

Aperire fores malum ex inferno!

I didn't expect so much kneeling.

Do you think it's rude if I run upstairs and get some knee pads?

I know exactly where they are.

Now repeat after me.

By the six seals of Drekavac

and the call of the ancient demon lords...

Together: By the...

seals...

of... - Uh...

- ...Dreka-- - Drekavac...

Good enough!

We prescript the blood shadows,

open the gate!

Open the gate!

Together: Open the gate!

Open the gate!

Open the gate?

Jack?

He's gone! We did it!

Dad, I forgive you.

Whew, there. Closure.

That one felt right. That was the one.

Nice job, everyone.

[ Deep voice ] Yeah!

You nutsacks did it!

[ Normal voice ] Oh, no!

Help!

Noooo!

[ Deep voice ] I mean "we."

We nutsacks did it.

You sound terrible.

Did my little guy catch a chill from all that wind?

Let's go get you some soup.

Any of you other nutsacks want some?

[ Whistling ]

Whoa, look out!

Someone's got a pep in his step!

Damn right I do.

My crappy pappy's taking a permanent nappy.

That's a cute way to say it.

We're all pumped since we got rid of that

thick-dicked bull elk we were all jealous of.

That's good, too!

People are being so creative today!

Okay, I'm off to school.

Oh, and all of you, stay out of my room.

I've got...

I don't know, something embarrassing in there.

A Barbra Streisand record, let's say.

Maybe I'm crazy, but is Steve, like, super cool now?

He's definitely acting weird.

Maybe you should talk to him.

Eh, it's just normal teenager stuff.

Hey, I'm Carly.

Steve said I could find us some beers in here?

Alright, I'll talk to him.

Good news, Jeff.

I invited another woman on our trip.

Mother Nature!

Good!

Give her your oar because you are doing nothing with it!

You're steering us into the weeds again!

The front steers!

The front steers!

Pull over! I'm walking!

See this?

Just a pencil, right?

Wrong. Deadly weapon.

Ka-blooey! Between ribs three and four,

you've got yourself a heart on a stick.

Of course, accuracy's not an issue

if you've got one of these.

Steve, weren't we gonna try to catch ladybugs today?

Steve! Come on, I'll drive you home.

Damn. I gotta go.

Later, Snorkle, Mushi, Fat One.

Listen up. Your mother and I noticed

you're not yourself lately.

I'm driving. Sure.

And whatever it is you're dealing with,

I want you to know you gotta wrap it up

because I don't care for it, okay?

We good?[ Chuckles ] That's it?

You're not gonna box my ears? Ring my bell?

Jerk my arm around a little to let me know you mean business?

What? Of course not.

You're too soft to be a good father, ya limp dildo.

[ Echoing ] Dildo, dildo, dildo...

Hey, Steve, I forget.

What gives me the best odds at the dog track?

[ Deep voice ] The quinella, obviously.

Uh-huh.

And what's the name of your goblin character

in your little dragons game?

Uh...

Puerto Rican Charlie.

Dad! Shoot!

Look, I need the child.

I'll let you say your goodbyes.

Goodbyes? Good enough.

Aah!

[ Normal voice ]Dad, no!

That kick, though.

Hyah! Hyah!

Hey, buddy. Havin' a tough one?

My son is really my dad, and he stole my car!

Yeah, me, too.

Jack wanted to keep us out of this room.

There must be a clue here where he's headed.

Ugh! I can't find anything

under all these museum schematics!

The Metropolitan Museum of Sports Memorabilia.

[ Gasps ] That's where Dad stole O. J.'s Bronco from!

I hate to be this guy, but the Bronco wasn't O. J.'s.

It belonged to Al Cowlings.

He's planning another heist!

Roger, I need to borrow your car.

Don't sweat it. I'll drive you.

Just open up Uber, and I'll be the closest driver.

Damn! I got eagle-swooped!

Ah, but you got Rahim. He's good.

4.82.

That's three stars more than I have.

That was bad.

It was bad on the river.

The river was the problem.

Yeah, but we're good now, right?

Have you had time to decide?

Uh, I'll get the coconut shrimp to start

and then the scampi, please.

Hmm. Do people usually get shrimp

for both their appetizer and their entrée?

Or is that, like, a stupid thing to do?

What's the most creamers you've ever seen someone

put in their water?

'Cause that would be really stupid.

I'm makin' milk!

Jesus, did you guys share a canoe or something?

I don't know why I'm so angry.

We have to go back, Jeff.

Back on the river where this all started,

so we can fix it!

Okay, but we gotta do it right this time.

With patience and love.

[Bleep] [Bleep] Shit! [Bleep]

We had a good run, babe!

But these oars --they drove us apart!

It's the oars!

We should just lose them!

Lose the oars!

Look, it's working!

We're already better at canoeing!

I'm sorry, babe. I love you.

I love you, too.

This is nice.

Hey, look, that cloud looks like cotton candy.

That one looks like a lion.

I can even hear it roaring.

You know, I can't think of a single time

you would actually need an oar.

♪♪

♪♪

You don't have to do this, Grandpa!

[ Deep voice ] Quiet!

I've tried this before and failed.

My body was too girthy, too substantial.

I needed a wisp of a boy to finally get

the Holy Grail of sports memorabilia.

The original pitcher of Arnold Palmer!

[ Normal voice ] You stole my body for iced tea?

[ Deep voice ] Iced tea and lemonade,

carefully concocted

by the seventh-best golfer of all time, arguably!

Stan: Stop!

Wheeee!

Stan, freeze!

There are lasers everywhere.

One wrong move, and we all go away to sports jail forever.

Oh, my God, a bowling pin signed by Larry Bird?

Why don't we ever come here?

Dad, I'm begging you,

give me back my son, please.

You don't deserve the boy!

Face it, Stan, you were a failure as my son,

and you're a failure as a father to Steven.

You're right. I am a bad dad

because I thought to be a father,

I had to be like you --mean.

But somehow I still ended up with a really great kid,

and I miss him.

[ Normal voice ] Daaaaad!

That's it, Stan!

Complimenting Steve is giving him

the confidence to overpower Jack!

Keep going!

A red tennis ball.

And it says it's very rare.

Huh, what a world!

Alright, uh, compliments.

Man, nothing else really springs to mind.

Aah!

Quickly, Stan. Anything!

He always walks downstairs quietly.

Adequate! More!

He can pry apart even the most stuck-together Legos.

♪♪

He's the only one who reminds me to drink enough water.

He knows which sharks are which.

[ Deep voice ] Stop this!

You're embarrassing yourselves!

You're doing it, Stan!

You have to love your dad out of your son!

His hair is a very even brown!

He reminds me when my parking meter's almost up.

No! I'll never go!

His smile makes me smile!

♪♪

Aah, damn it!

Dad!

[ Alarm blaring ]Steve!

No!

You sissies ruined everything!

Hey, I found a secret way out.

No! I'm trapped!

Don't leave me here with...

Mary Tyler Moore's dress?

What does this have to do with sports?

People magazine once described "The Mary Tyler Moore Show"

as a home run.

Ah.

The trick is to never look down.

The minute you stop and think

about what you're climbing, you're dead.

Wow! You're the man!

Stan, Steve thinks he's a climber now.

Do you think that?

I sure do!

Figuratively climbing out of your own subconscious

and real mountain climbing are basically the same!

You're a-a good boy.

I really appreciate how you've turned over this new leaf.

Gotta break the Smith family cycle.

I'm not gonna waste my only shot at being a great dad.

Hayley: We're back!

Hayley! Good news!

I decided to be a good dad...

to Steve.

Great. What else did we miss?

Oh, so much!

Steve made love to an old lady, probably.

Bye! Have a beautiful time!