Original subtitles

[ Soothing music plays ] Narrator: It's the beginning of a new season.

Could this season change things for you?

Could it be your season?

Yes, I believe it could --

[ Grunts, screams ] [ Cup clatters ]

Welp, I got laughed out of the library again.

What's wrong, my boy?

It's my soft-ass library card.

Nobody takes me seriously with this flimsy thing.

[ Card squeaks ]

A relatable problem.

Naomi at the reference desk asked if I took it for a swim.

I tried countering with a Jacques Cousteau joke,

but I'll give you one [bleep] guess how that went.

No. This must be laminated.

Why do we have to come help Steve

get his douchey liberty card laminated?

Li-brary.

Li-brary card.

We should be taking him to a speech therapist.

Hey, look,

there's a Langley Copy, Print, and Office Services.

Let's just go there.

Where laminating is at best third on the list,

lumped in with God knows what "services"?

No, we need to go where the job will be done right.

Hayley: Little Colombia?

Nobody laminates like a Colombian.

You're about to see true masters practice their craft --

flat plastic without a bubble in sight.

I mean, some bubbles.

They're -- They're not wizards.

But let me tell you, those edges never curl.

Well, over time, sure. Oh, we're here.

[ Latin music playing ]

I had no idea there was a Colombian District in Langley.

Oh, it's a thriving community,

brimming with the sights, sounds,

and flavors of authenticity.

These bowls here are handmade in the town of Boyacá.

And, look. There's a festival today.

Fool's Day.

Something's always happening

here in the land of a thousand rhythms.

Dad, how do you know so much about Colombia?

Did you do a mission there or something?

No! I-I...read about it in a-a magazine.

Cool. Oh, oh, you need the name of the magazine?

To make it more believable to you?

I've already stopped thinking about it.

Fine. [ Sighs ] [ Glass shatters ]

Look, the truth is, I do know about Colombia,

for that country changed the very core of who I am.

It turned me from an arrogant, flashy razzle-dazzler

to the humble and hard-working agent that I am today.

That sounds worse. It's a cautionary tale I've never shared.

That's okay. We're really just focused

on finding a laminating guy.

But I think I may finally be ready.

The story of my time as a young agent in Colombia

starts right --

**

* Good morning, U.S.A.

* I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day *

* The sun in the sky has a smile on his face *

* And he's shinin' a salute to the American race *

* Oh, boy, it's swell to say

* Good -- * Good morning, U.S.A.

Aah!

* Good morning, U.S.A.

It was the height of the drug war.

Steve: What about my library card?

Stan: As you know, I cut my teeth

in the Miami field office of the CIA.

Francine: Wait, Miami?

I thought you were talking about Colombia.

Miami is not Colombia.

I know that. Don't you think I know that?

[ Breathes deeply ]

There's a place between here and Colombia called Miami.

[ Seagulls chirping ]

Here comes the drop.

Looks like they're trolling for some blow-fish.

Cargo is onboard.

We'll monitor the delivery, and then --

Fly in on a Jet Ski-i-i-i-i-i!

Smith, this isn't our mission.

Save your mission for the nuns,

'cause I'm a stone-cold sinner.

[ Man screams ]

[ Jet Ski engine revving ]

[ Grunts, screams ]

Screw it. Let's nail these creeps.

[ Jet Ski engines revving ]

**

**

[ Jet Ski engine revs ]

Stan: We got them.

All: C-I-Ya-a-a-a-y!

* Don't leave me this way

* Ahhh

* Baby

* My heart is full of love and desire for you *

We did the job with style,

but never lost sight of the mission. [ Sniffs ]

That was all you today, Smith.

I love your passion, man.

I love it and I love it and I love your fashion.

It's like I say, man --

I like doing good and looking even better.

[ Both grunting ]

And we never did the drugs.

While we no doubt kicked ass yesterday,

the objective was to track the smugglers into Miami

and figure out their distribution process,

not launch a surprise Jet Ski attack.

I wasn't surprised.

-Bull's-eye! -Whoo-hoo!

Uh, settle down, boys.

Now, this is a map of Downtown Miami.

Sorry. I don't settle down.

I get down.

[ Jazz fanfare plays ]

We know where El Narco is.

And by now, he knows we mean business.

I say we waltz into his compound,

and I'll straight-up tell El Narco,

"No blow north of Mexico."

-Whoo! Yes. -Whoo-hoo!

I guess Smith's action-movie ideas

haven't gotten us killed yet, right?

Let's do it. [ All cheering ]

And so I was on my way to Colombia to confront El Narco.

I would need a translator.

But more than that, I would need some

extra-pleated baby-blue slacks to slide over

my extra-extra bikini-cut Calvin Klein underwears.

Because when you look good, you find good translators.

...after which I translated

Chomsky's "Syntactic Structures,"

and received the Leonard Bloomfield Award.

Yeah, but how many chicks have you slept with?

Smith, he's clearly qualified.

Qualified to make us look like a bunch of ass-butts.

Look at his suit.

We can't be seen in public with this guy.

Next. Aloha!

Oh, yeah, that was before we really knew each other.

Yes. So sorry, Roger.

This is a story that doesn't include you.

Wow, so you've never put it together that -- You know what?

I'm just gonna sit back and enjoy the story.

I'll say it again. Aloha!

Someone called for a laminator?

Actually, a translator.

Close enough. I'll take it. Aah!

Geez, I thought there was an elk in the room for a sec.

That's a lot of brown you got on, man.

Kind of rumpled, too.

[ Laminating machine whirs, beeps ]

Much better.

Who is this?

Hi. Stan Smith. CIA.

Enrique Ruiz. A Colombian man.

I like the way your hand feels in this handshake.

Wish I could say the same.

Whoa! Looks and attitude?

Do you even speak Spanish?

Uh, does this answer your question?

[ Up-tempo Latin music plays ]

Oh, mama. This guy can salsa.

He's actually dancing what's known as bachata.

[ Lighter clicks ] [ Screaming ]

Now, this is a translator.

No one could deny Enrique's "it" factor.

The job was his.

And it was a risky mission,

but just the kind I lived for.

Hola, boychiks.

The name's Stan Smith, and I'm here to talk to El Narco.

[ Crude Spanish accent ] Stahn Smeeeeth.

[ Keypad beeping ] Hey, remind me.

When we're done with this mission,

I want to know what "la cucaracha" means.

Whoa, El Narco's got a rhino.

[ Scoffs ] It's not even an albino rhino.

What's wrong with this guy? All this money,

and he's not even shoving it in everybody's face.

Yeah, this is tasteful. Show me gaudy.

I know. Where's the night club, right?

I bet he doesn't even have one. -Doesn't have a night club.

[ Scoffs ] Probably doesn't even enjoy soft kisses.

[ Both laughing ]

[ Laughter continues ]

I feel like I'm at college, and I've just met my best friend.

Wait. What's your favorite movie?

-Porn. -I've seen that.

-My favorite part is when -- -When the guy's like [grunting]

Yes! I'm here for El Narco.

Tell him Stan Smith is here and El Dumbass's time is up.

Translate, my dude.

-And I do a little of this. -Yeah.

-And that. -Spell it out for them.

-And a spin move, and... -That's word-for-word, bitches.

I'm El Narco.

Holy crap. The translator was El Narco?

Yeah. Total betrayal.

He was sitting in his throne, flipping me off

with his big, gray finger. Gray?

Yeah, he was a pretty weird-looking dude.

And to make matters worse...

[ Cackling ] This was a setup.

You intercept one shipment in Miami

and think you can take down my entire kingdom? Ha!

Don't laugh yet 'cause my team is surrounding the compound

and ready to kick it into high gear...now.

-We're all dead. -[ Gasps ]

Dude, you asked me to help you plan this.

Kill him. [ Guns cock ]

Uh, daring escape.

Smoke bomb.

[ Coughing ]

[ Panting ]

Why doesn't he spit it out?

This guy makes me laugh.

[ Laughter ]

Now, fool, go back to America

and spread the fame of El Narco.

Oh, and one more thing.

Of course I have a night club.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

An albino rhino.

Oh, it was so hard not to tell you in the car.

It was so hard.

I wanted to tell you so bad,

but I was like, [nasal voice] "Err, yeah,

uh, El Narco doesn't have one of those."

[ Grunting rhythmically ]

So, El Narco sent you back to the U.S.

with your tail between your legs?

Ah, I could see how that would humble you.

Humbled? No, sir.

But your whole team died.

What does that have to do with me?

Those agents were dead weight.

Now they were just dead.

And my weight was lifted.

Wow, you have a way with words.

Would you order for me? I want a water and a bread.

There was no way I was leaving Colombia

without taking down El Narco.

And I had my work cut out for me because he was beloved by all.

El Narco! El Narco is here!

Yes. And bringing gifts.

Chickens.

And hams.

What about the sides, El Narco?

[ People shouting indistinctly ] Yes, yes.

Only the best for my people.

Now we play soccer.

Behold my golden leg.

Uh, eh, goal! Go-o-o-o-al!

Yeah.

[ People cheering ] Yeah!

He had the villagers wrapped around his finger,

the same gray finger I mentioned earlier.

Wait, y-you keep mentioning that.

You know who else has gray fingers --

Yeah, probably El Narco's parents.

But that's a story for a different time,

a story that I don't know.

El Americano!

Shh.

Ha! You look ridiculous hiding in the bushes.

I thought I sent you home.

Good people, please, this man is not your friend.

He's responsible for death and suffering in my country.

He's an honest champion of the village.

He gives us gifts.

You don't understand. He --

Mangos. Mangos, mangos, mangos for sale.

-Sir, I'm trying to -- -Juicy mangos.

Eat what the toucans eat.

Forget your stupid mangos.

Now he judges our mangos!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Hope you're not planning to drive anywhere.

Car bomb! [ Remote beeps ]

[ Laughter ]

Ah, does this please my people?

I declare a festival tomorrow

to celebrate my victory over this fool.

Car bomb!

Car bomb!

[ Chicken clucking ] Ooh, a mean chicken.

Get him, chicken.

[ Clucking continues ]

I needed a new plan

to expose El Narco for the criminal he was.

It'll never work.

You left those sunglasses in Miami.

Eat, señor.

Why do you show such kindness, Mango Man?

Because I despise El Narco.

That idiot says I have bad mangos.

If they're so bad,

why do the flies choose to lay their eggs in them, eh?

Their own babies.

Mango Man used the word "idiot"? Yep.

How does that make you feel, Roger?

Indifferent.

You guys, I'm telling a story.

Mr. Mango Man, will you work with me to take down El Narco?

No, no, no. Too dangerous.

I have already said too much.

Mango, mango, mango. Night mango.

Everything set for the festival?

I know El Narco wants to move product,

but [sighs] this feels risky.

Just make sure Uncle Sam is filled with the goods.

We both have to make sure, Dave.

We are a team. This isn't just on me.

I didn't know what he had planned for the festival,

but I knew it would be my best chance

to expose El Narco in front of his village.

Uncle Sam.

The float.

The drugs are in the float.

Time to do some good while looking even better.

Mango Man, now!

Oh, yeah, he -- he said he wasn't gonna help.

He was very clear about that.

Come on, try and steal it from me.

Hey, what's going on?

Gather round, amigos, as I expose El Narco

for who he truly is -- a drug dealer.

You'll never be able to show your face

in 1980s Colombia again.

And now I give you the real fool.

[ Laughter ] Ha-ha! He's covered in rhino crap.

What? No. Where's the coke?

Or -- Or is this the uncut stuff?

[ Spectators "ohh" ]

Ack! Ugh!

Why do people like drugs?

Ya ate shit, dude. [ Laughter ]

I can't believe you fell for my trick.

[ Laughter ] Aw, no way, he fell back in!

Oh, here, let me help you up.

No.

He kissed the anteater! [ Laughter ]

The anteater loves him. That's his girlfriend now.

[ Laughter continues ] [ Smooching ]

And for dessert, car bomb!

[ Remote beeps, explosion ]

Aw, man, that was my Ferrari.

How could I be so stupid?

It wasn't you, El Narco. It was the fool's fault.

-Don't call me that. -Yeah, the fool made me do it.

In fact, from here until forever,

I declare this festival the Day of the Fool.

[ People chanting "Fool!" ] No.

I'm not a fool. Stop it.

Hear that?

You'll always be a turd-slipping,

anteater-kissing, balls-hurting fool.

My balls don't hurt.

[ Winces ]

El Narco was right.

My balls did hurt.

And arrogant Stan was always going to be a fool.

So I left that Stan in Colombia.

And who returned?

The man I am today.

A methodical, hard-working agent who'd never be a fool again.

-Fool? -Not at this table, friend.

It is. It's you, the fool.

[ Stan gasps ]

Wait, you're the fool of Fool's Day?

The fool. The fool.

The fool. The fool. The fool. The fool.

No, no. I-I left all that behind.

He kissed it again!

Mm, get it, girl. I ain't jealous.

Get that away from me, Roger.

You're almost as bad as El Narco.

Dad, are you kidding?

Roger is El Narco.

No.

Blowing up cars,

publicly shaming you for his own amusement.

Being piss-poor at soccer. Tread lightly, bitch.

Wait. Hold this.

Damn it.

Roger, I should kill you.

But you won't.

'Cause I made you the man you are today?

[ Groans ] How did this stupid, little holiday you started

spread around the dang world?

Hey, it's one day a year where people don't have to

feel bad about the stupid things they do.

Who wouldn't want that?

You. You made me cheat on my wife.

And he told me you're going to make him do it again

this year at Red Rocks!

Roger, we're stopping this holiday. How are you gonna stop it?

Well, it started when I couldn't catch El Narco.

But if I show the village that I did catch him,

I'll be de-fooled.

Roger, we're going to Colombia.

Ohh, sorry, I can't.

My improv group, Pizza Party Weekend,

has a cage match tonight.

No. We're leaving now.

Oh, are we?

Looks like we got ourselves a standoff.

I'm taking you to Colombia.

No way.

My improv team needs me, Stan.

I do all the Southern characters.

This isn't happening, Stan.

Oh, it's happening. [ Metal detector beeping ]

Oh, don't worry. That thing's always going off.

No Colombia.

Yes Colombia.

Woman: Flight 718 to Colombia is overbooked.

We are offering vouchers and hotel accommodations

to anyone willing to fly tomorrow.

You'll have to kill me to get me to Colombia.

We can make that happen.

I need the bathroom, and you're coming with me.

I'll go anywhere but Colombia.

[ Snoring ]

Who's in Colombia now?

Oh, no, my improv group.

[ Chuckling ] Alright.

Uh, did someone order a pizza box

with a bunch of comedy inside?

We just need a location to get us started.

Man: The deep South!

Okay, we're two hungry out-of-town New Yorkers.

[ Audience booing ]

**

It's your fault I crashed my sister's car, fool.

Mama, I'm sorry I wet the bed.

It's okay, Marco. It was the fool.

You made me wet my bed, fool!

No, he didn't. It was you.

[ All gasp ] The fool walks among us.

The fool. The fool. The fool. The fool.

Maybe I was the fool once, but I'm a changed man.

And you'll all have to start taking responsibility

for your own mistakes. -Why?

Because after 20 years of being a joke,

I have finally caught your famous El Narco.

[ Laughter ]

What? I got him. I won.

Roger, why are they laughing?

Whoa, you need a new moisturizer.

Oh, dang.

[ Rhinoceros defecates, water spraying ]

I'm still the same fool I was 20 years ago.

I thought I changed.

I thought I was a better man.

But I'm a fool now, and I'm gonna die a fool.

[ Sobbing ]

Mister, there's a fool in all of us,

and this holiday makes us feel better.

You know what to do.

Oh, my God. Throw it.

Yeah, I knew that.

This is all your fault, fool.

Whoa. That does feel good.

Give me another.

[ Mango splatters ] Oh, yeah.

And I got some other gripes.

This is for the time I accidentally said "I love you"

to the DirecTV operator as I hung up.

[ Grunts ] [ Mango splatters ]

And this is -- -Stan, buddy,

I'm sorry I lied to you for 20 years.

It's okay. The fool made you do it.

In fact, he deserves worse than mangos.

[ Bullet ricochets ] Ah, you son of a bitch.

[ Bullets ricocheting, Stan grunting ]

This guy's got incredible aim.

Smoke bomb.

[ Coughing ]

I'll take two.

Wait. Is this you?

It's all of us, really.

[ Statues shatter ] Hey, you broke my statues!

Blame it on the fool.

You're not even wearing pants!

And yet my dignity's intact, thanks to Fool's Day.

[ Groans ] What a [bleep] moron.

[ Siren chirps ]

[ Siren wailing ]

Bye! Have a beautiful time!