All language subtitles for American Dad.S17E01 100 Years a Solid Fool (1080p AMZN Webrip x265 10bit EAC3 5.1 - Goki)[TAoE]_Subtitles01.ENG

[ Soothing music plays ]
Narrator: It's the beginning
of a new season.

Could this season
change things for you?

Could it be your season?

Yes,
I believe it could --

[ Grunts, screams ]
[ Cup clatters ]

Welp, I got laughed
out of the library again.

What's wrong, my boy?

It's my soft-ass
library card.

Nobody takes me seriously
with this flimsy thing.

[ Card squeaks ]

A relatable problem.

Naomi at the reference desk
asked if I took it for a swim.

I tried countering with
a Jacques Cousteau joke,

but I'll give you one
[bleep] guess how that went.

No.
This must be laminated.

Why do we
have to come help Steve

get his douchey
liberty card laminated?

Li-brary.

Li-brary card.

We should be taking him
to a speech therapist.

Hey, look,

there's a Langley Copy, Print,
and Office Services.

Let's just go there.

Where laminating is at best
third on the list,

lumped in with
God knows what "services"?

No, we need to go where
the job will be done right.

Hayley:
Little Colombia?

Nobody laminates
like a Colombian.

You're about to see true masters
practice their craft --

flat plastic
without a bubble in sight.

I mean, some bubbles.

They're --
They're not wizards.

But let me tell you,
those edges never curl.

Well, over time, sure.
Oh, we're here.

[ Latin music playing ]

I had no idea there was a
Colombian District in Langley.

Oh, it's
a thriving community,

brimming with
the sights, sounds,

and flavors
of authenticity.

These bowls here are handmade
in the town of Boyacá.

And, look.
There's a festival today.

Fool's Day.

Something's
always happening

here in the land
of a thousand rhythms.

Dad, how do you know so much
about Colombia?

Did you do a mission there
or something?

No! I-I...read about it
in a-a magazine.

Cool.
Oh, oh, you need the name
of the magazine?

To make it more believable
to you?

I've already stopped
thinking about it.

Fine. [ Sighs ]
[ Glass shatters ]

Look, the truth is,
I do know about Colombia,

for that country changed
the very core of who I am.

It turned me from an arrogant,
flashy razzle-dazzler

to the humble and hard-working
agent that I am today.

That sounds worse.
It's a cautionary tale
I've never shared.

That's okay.
We're really just focused

on finding
a laminating guy.

But I think I may
finally be ready.

The story of my time
as a young agent in Colombia

starts right --

**

* Good morning, U.S.A.

* I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day *

* The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face *

* And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race *

* Oh, boy, it's swell to say

* Good --
* Good morning, U.S.A.

Aah!

* Good morning, U.S.A.

It was the height
of the drug war.

Steve: What about
my library card?

Stan: As you know,
I cut my teeth

in the Miami field office
of the CIA.

Francine: Wait, Miami?

I thought you were
talking about Colombia.

Miami is not Colombia.

I know that.
Don't you think I know that?

[ Breathes deeply ]

There's a place between here
and Colombia called Miami.

[ Seagulls chirping ]

Here comes the drop.

Looks like they're trolling
for some blow-fish.

Cargo is onboard.

We'll monitor the delivery,
and then --

Fly in
on a Jet Ski-i-i-i-i-i!

Smith,
this isn't our mission.

Save your mission
for the nuns,

'cause I'm
a stone-cold sinner.

[ Man screams ]

[ Jet Ski engine revving ]

[ Grunts, screams ]

Screw it.
Let's nail these creeps.

[ Jet Ski engines revving ]

**

**

[ Jet Ski engine revs ]

Stan: We got them.

All: C-I-Ya-a-a-a-y!

* Don't leave me this way

* Ahhh

* Baby

* My heart is full of love
and desire for you *

We did the job with style,

but never lost sight
of the mission.
[ Sniffs ]

That was all you today,
Smith.

I love your passion,
man.

I love it and I love it
and I love your fashion.

It's like I say, man --

I like doing good
and looking even better.

[ Both grunting ]

And we never did the drugs.

While we no doubt
kicked ass yesterday,

the objective was to track
the smugglers into Miami

and figure out
their distribution process,

not launch
a surprise Jet Ski attack.

I wasn't surprised.

-Bull's-eye!
-Whoo-hoo!

Uh, settle down, boys.

Now, this is a map
of Downtown Miami.

Sorry.
I don't settle down.

I get down.

[ Jazz fanfare plays ]

We know
where El Narco is.

And by now,
he knows we mean business.

I say we waltz
into his compound,

and I'll straight-up
tell El Narco,

"No blow north of Mexico."

-Whoo! Yes.
-Whoo-hoo!

I guess Smith's
action-movie ideas

haven't gotten us killed yet,
right?

Let's do it.
[ All cheering ]

And so I was on my way to
Colombia to confront El Narco.

I would need a translator.

But more than that,
I would need some

extra-pleated baby-blue slacks
to slide over

my extra-extra bikini-cut
Calvin Klein underwears.

Because when you look good,
you find good translators.

...after which
I translated

Chomsky's
"Syntactic Structures,"

and received
the Leonard Bloomfield Award.

Yeah, but how many chicks
have you slept with?

Smith,
he's clearly qualified.

Qualified to make us look
like a bunch of ass-butts.

Look at his suit.

We can't be seen in public
with this guy.

Next.
Aloha!

Oh, yeah, that was before
we really knew each other.

Yes.
So sorry, Roger.

This is a story
that doesn't include you.

Wow, so you've never put it
together that -- You know what?

I'm just gonna sit back
and enjoy the story.

I'll say it again.
Aloha!

Someone called
for a laminator?

Actually, a translator.

Close enough.
I'll take it. Aah!

Geez, I thought there was
an elk in the room for a sec.

That's a lot of brown
you got on, man.

Kind of rumpled, too.

[ Laminating machine whirs,
beeps ]

Much better.

Who is this?

Hi. Stan Smith. CIA.

Enrique Ruiz.
A Colombian man.

I like the way your hand feels
in this handshake.

Wish I could say
the same.

Whoa!
Looks and attitude?

Do you even speak
Spanish?

Uh, does this answer
your question?

[ Up-tempo Latin music plays ]

Oh, mama.
This guy can salsa.

He's actually dancing
what's known as bachata.

[ Lighter clicks ]
[ Screaming ]

Now, this
is a translator.

No one could deny
Enrique's "it" factor.

The job was his.

And it was
a risky mission,

but just the kind
I lived for.

Hola, boychiks.

The name's Stan Smith, and
I'm here to talk to El Narco.

[ Crude Spanish accent ]
Stahn Smeeeeth.

[ Keypad beeping ]
Hey, remind me.

When we're done
with this mission,

I want to know what
"la cucaracha" means.

Whoa,
El Narco's got a rhino.

[ Scoffs ]
It's not even an albino rhino.

What's wrong with this guy?
All this money,

and he's not even shoving it
in everybody's face.

Yeah, this is tasteful.
Show me gaudy.

I know.
Where's the night club, right?

I bet he doesn't even have one.
-Doesn't have a night club.

[ Scoffs ] Probably doesn't
even enjoy soft kisses.

[ Both laughing ]

[ Laughter continues ]

I feel like I'm at college, and
I've just met my best friend.

Wait.
What's your favorite movie?

-Porn.
-I've seen that.

-My favorite part is when --
-When the guy's like [grunting]

Yes!
I'm here for El Narco.

Tell him Stan Smith is here
and El Dumbass's time is up.

Translate, my dude.

-And I do a little of this.
-Yeah.

-And that.
-Spell it out for them.

-And a spin move, and...
-That's word-for-word, bitches.

I'm El Narco.

Holy crap.
The translator was El Narco?

Yeah.
Total betrayal.

He was sitting in his throne,
flipping me off

with his big, gray finger.
Gray?

Yeah, he was a pretty
weird-looking dude.

And to make matters
worse...

[ Cackling ]
This was a setup.

You intercept one shipment
in Miami

and think you can take down
my entire kingdom? Ha!

Don't laugh yet 'cause my team
is surrounding the compound

and ready to kick it
into high gear...now.

-We're all dead.
-[ Gasps ]

Dude, you asked me
to help you plan this.

Kill him.
[ Guns cock ]

Uh, daring escape.

Smoke bomb.

[ Coughing ]

[ Panting ]

Why doesn't he
spit it out?

This guy makes me laugh.

[ Laughter ]

Now, fool,
go back to America

and spread the fame
of El Narco.

Oh, and one more thing.

Of course
I have a night club.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

An albino rhino.

Oh, it was so hard
not to tell you in the car.

It was so hard.

I wanted to tell you
so bad,

but I was like,
[nasal voice] "Err, yeah,

uh, El Narco doesn't have
one of those."

[ Grunting rhythmically ]

So, El Narco sent you back
to the U.S.

with your tail
between your legs?

Ah, I could see
how that would humble you.

Humbled? No, sir.

But your whole team
died.

What does that have to do
with me?

Those agents
were dead weight.

Now they were just dead.

And my weight was lifted.

Wow, you have a way
with words.

Would you order for me?
I want a water and a bread.

There was no way
I was leaving Colombia

without taking down
El Narco.

And I had my work cut out for me
because he was beloved by all.

El Narco!
El Narco is here!

Yes.
And bringing gifts.

Chickens.

And hams.

What about the sides,
El Narco?

[ People shouting indistinctly ]
Yes, yes.

Only the best
for my people.

Now we play soccer.

Behold my golden leg.

Uh, eh, goal!
Go-o-o-o-al!

Yeah.

[ People cheering ]
Yeah!

He had the villagers
wrapped around his finger,

the same gray finger
I mentioned earlier.

Wait, y-you keep
mentioning that.

You know who else
has gray fingers --

Yeah,
probably El Narco's parents.

But that's a story
for a different time,

a story that I don't know.

El Americano!

Shh.

Ha! You look ridiculous
hiding in the bushes.

I thought
I sent you home.

Good people, please,
this man is not your friend.

He's responsible for death
and suffering in my country.

He's an honest champion
of the village.

He gives us gifts.

You don't understand.
He --

Mangos. Mangos, mangos,
mangos for sale.

-Sir, I'm trying to --
-Juicy mangos.

Eat what
the toucans eat.

Forget
your stupid mangos.

Now he judges
our mangos!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Hope you're not planning
to drive anywhere.

Car bomb!
[ Remote beeps ]

[ Laughter ]

Ah, does this please
my people?

I declare
a festival tomorrow

to celebrate my victory
over this fool.

Car bomb!

Car bomb!

[ Chicken clucking ]
Ooh, a mean chicken.

Get him, chicken.

[ Clucking continues ]

I needed a new plan

to expose El Narco
for the criminal he was.

It'll never work.

You left those sunglasses
in Miami.

Eat, señor.

Why do you show
such kindness, Mango Man?

Because I despise
El Narco.

That idiot says
I have bad mangos.

If they're so bad,

why do the flies choose
to lay their eggs in them, eh?

Their own babies.

Mango Man
used the word "idiot"?
Yep.

How does that make you feel,
Roger?

Indifferent.

You guys,
I'm telling a story.

Mr. Mango Man, will you work
with me to take down El Narco?

No, no, no.
Too dangerous.

I have already said
too much.

Mango, mango, mango.
Night mango.

Everything set
for the festival?

I know El Narco
wants to move product,

but [sighs]
this feels risky.

Just make sure Uncle Sam
is filled with the goods.

We both have to make sure,
Dave.

We are a team.
This isn't just on me.

I didn't know what he
had planned for the festival,

but I knew it would be
my best chance

to expose El Narco
in front of his village.

Uncle Sam.

The float.

The drugs are in the float.

Time to do some good
while looking even better.

Mango Man, now!

Oh, yeah, he --
he said he wasn't gonna help.

He was very clear
about that.

Come on,
try and steal it from me.

Hey, what's going on?

Gather round, amigos,
as I expose El Narco

for who he truly is --
a drug dealer.

You'll never be able
to show your face

in 1980s Colombia again.

And now I give you
the real fool.

[ Laughter ]
Ha-ha!
He's covered in rhino crap.

What? No.
Where's the coke?

Or -- Or is this
the uncut stuff?

[ Spectators "ohh" ]

Ack! Ugh!

Why do people like drugs?

Ya ate shit, dude.
[ Laughter ]

I can't believe
you fell for my trick.

[ Laughter ]
Aw, no way,
he fell back in!

Oh, here,
let me help you up.

No.

He kissed the anteater!
[ Laughter ]

The anteater loves him.
That's his girlfriend now.

[ Laughter continues ]
[ Smooching ]

And for dessert,
car bomb!

[ Remote beeps, explosion ]

Aw, man,
that was my Ferrari.

How could I be
so stupid?

It wasn't you, El Narco.
It was the fool's fault.

-Don't call me that.
-Yeah, the fool made me do it.

In fact,
from here until forever,

I declare this festival
the Day of the Fool.

[ People chanting "Fool!" ]
No.

I'm not a fool.
Stop it.

Hear that?

You'll always be
a turd-slipping,

anteater-kissing,
balls-hurting fool.

My balls don't hurt.

[ Winces ]

El Narco was right.

My balls did hurt.

And arrogant Stan
was always going to be a fool.

So I left that Stan
in Colombia.

And who returned?

The man I am today.

A methodical, hard-working agent
who'd never be a fool again.

-Fool?
-Not at this table, friend.

It is.
It's you, the fool.

[ Stan gasps ]

Wait, you're the fool
of Fool's Day?

The fool. The fool.

The fool.
The fool.
The fool.
The fool.

No, no.
I-I left all that behind.

He kissed it again!

Mm, get it, girl.
I ain't jealous.

Get that away from me,
Roger.

You're almost as bad
as El Narco.

Dad, are you kidding?

Roger is El Narco.

No.

Blowing up cars,

publicly shaming you
for his own amusement.

Being piss-poor
at soccer.
Tread lightly, bitch.

Wait. Hold this.

Damn it.

Roger,
I should kill you.

But you won't.

'Cause I made you
the man you are today?

[ Groans ] How did this stupid,
little holiday you started

spread around
the dang world?

Hey, it's one day a year
where people don't have to

feel bad about
the stupid things they do.

Who wouldn't want that?

You.
You made me cheat on my wife.

And he told me you're going to
make him do it again

this year at Red Rocks!

Roger, we're stopping
this holiday.
How are you gonna stop it?

Well, it started
when I couldn't catch El Narco.

But if I show the village
that I did catch him,

I'll be de-fooled.

Roger,
we're going to Colombia.

Ohh, sorry, I can't.

My improv group,
Pizza Party Weekend,

has a cage match
tonight.

No. We're leaving now.

Oh, are we?

Looks like we got ourselves
a standoff.

I'm taking you
to Colombia.

No way.

My improv team needs me,
Stan.

I do
all the Southern characters.

This isn't happening,
Stan.

Oh, it's happening.
[ Metal detector beeping ]

Oh, don't worry.
That thing's always going off.

No Colombia.

Yes Colombia.

Woman: Flight 718 to Colombia
is overbooked.

We are offering vouchers
and hotel accommodations

to anyone
willing to fly tomorrow.

You'll have to kill me
to get me to Colombia.

We can make that happen.

I need the bathroom,
and you're coming with me.

I'll go anywhere
but Colombia.

[ Snoring ]

Who's in Colombia now?

Oh, no,
my improv group.

[ Chuckling ]
Alright.

Uh, did someone order
a pizza box

with a bunch of comedy
inside?

We just need a location
to get us started.

Man:
The deep South!

Okay, we're two hungry
out-of-town New Yorkers.

[ Audience booing ]

**

It's your fault I crashed
my sister's car, fool.

Mama, I'm sorry
I wet the bed.

It's okay, Marco.
It was the fool.

You made me wet my bed,
fool!

No, he didn't.
It was you.

[ All gasp ]
The fool walks
among us.

The fool.
The fool.
The fool.
The fool.

Maybe I was the fool once,
but I'm a changed man.

And you'll all have to
start taking responsibility

for your own mistakes.
-Why?

Because after 20 years
of being a joke,

I have finally caught
your famous El Narco.

[ Laughter ]

What?
I got him. I won.

Roger,
why are they laughing?

Whoa, you need
a new moisturizer.

Oh, dang.

[ Rhinoceros defecates,
water spraying ]

I'm still the same fool I was
20 years ago.

I thought I changed.

I thought
I was a better man.

But I'm a fool now,
and I'm gonna die a fool.

[ Sobbing ]

Mister, there's a fool
in all of us,

and this holiday
makes us feel better.

You know what to do.

Oh, my God.
Throw it.

Yeah, I knew that.

This is all your fault,
fool.

Whoa.
That does feel good.

Give me another.

[ Mango splatters ]
Oh, yeah.

And I got
some other gripes.

This is for the time
I accidentally said "I love you"

to the DirecTV operator
as I hung up.

[ Grunts ]
[ Mango splatters ]

And this is --
-Stan, buddy,

I'm sorry I lied to you
for 20 years.

It's okay.
The fool made you do it.

In fact, he deserves
worse than mangos.

[ Bullet ricochets ]
Ah, you son of a bitch.

[ Bullets ricocheting,
Stan grunting ]

This guy's got
incredible aim.

Smoke bomb.

[ Coughing ]

I'll take two.

Wait. Is this you?

It's all of us,
really.

[ Statues shatter ]
Hey, you broke my statues!

Blame it on the fool.

You're not even
wearing pants!

And yet my dignity's intact,
thanks to Fool's Day.

[ Groans ]
What a [bleep] moron.

[ Siren chirps ]

[ Siren wailing ]

Bye! Have a beautiful time!