Original subtitles

♪♪

(studio audience cheering and clapping)

Uhp. Sorry. That's my e-mail notification.

Ooh! Looks like it's official.

You're looking at the newest member

of an exclusive little club known as...

Scientology.

- You became a Scientologist? - It wasn't easy.

They did everything they could to discourage me.

Wow. Just think.

You might get to go to Kirstie Alley's funeral!

- (sobbing wildly) - What's wrong?

(sobbing) He's dead!

- Jeff? - No!

Tom Green!

I just saw on Twitter, and he --

Oh, Gaww-hoddddd!

(retching)

This is ridiculous.

I'll have to call in sick for work.

What?! Was he your ride or something?

Babe! Good news!

Turns out it was just one of his hilarious pranks!

Well, now I feel like a fool!

I won't be able to go to work all week!

(Jeff and Hayley sobbing)

(sighs)

Where did I go wrong, Klaus?

How did Hayley end up as soft

as my prized Toronto Raptors micro fleece throw?

And what will become of her if she doesn't toughen up?

It's time for me to go...

on one of my famous drives.

(studio audience cheering and clapping)

Oh. Look who just got a 30% off coupon

for all sectionals at wayfair.com.

Scientology's already working its magic.

(patriotic music plays)

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good -- ♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪♪

STAN: How did Hayley become so weak?

Did I fail her as a father?

Will she be able to take care of herself when I'm gone?

How can I make her tough?

- STAN: Ugh! - (whirring)

I can't think with all this racket!

I need to go deeper into the countryside.

(tires screech)

(clanging)

No more distractions.

At last, my head is clear.

(clanging)

(air hissing)

(gasps)

FARMER: Lost your way, city slicker?

Are you a good hillbilly or a bad hillbilly?

I'm a farmer. And this here's my farm.

Don't worry. We'll get ya unstuck right quick.

(clicking)

(whistles)

Mother. Dan-boy.

Birthin' the sow'll have to wait.

We got a man here needs our help.

- (squirt!) - (piglet squealing)

Well, let's git to it, then.

(all grunting)

Strong.

(all grunting, piglet squealing)

(flesh slices)

Gah! (grunts)

(grunting)

Resilient.

(all grunting, piglet squealing)

(bear roars)

Raaaah!

(bear roars)

Unh! Unh! Unh! Ugh!

Toughness. The very yin to weakness' yang.

How did you come to be so strong, so resilient?

Well, I reckon farm life just makes ya Farm Tough.

Farm Tough.

Here. At least let me Venmo you a little barn-dance money

to thank you for your trouble.

We don't go in much for electronic doodads and gewgaws.

Keep things a mite simpler out here on the farm.

Thick as rhino skin.

Dan-boy, if it's not too forward of me, may I...

have one of your calluses?

You got a flapper here. I could just give it a little twist.

- I'd prefer you didn't. - I've already got it.

Came right off. Damn.

I bet I could use this thing as a guitar pick!

(imitating electric-guitar riff)

♪♪

Callus, callus, show me true.

Why is Hayley not tough, too?

Hmm.

Not showing me a vision.

Guess I'll just go take a look myself.

(laughter on tablet, devices beeping)

Of course! Look at them

with all their electronic doodads and gewgaws!

No wonder Hayley's as soft as my prized

Merino wool Charlotte Hornets beanie.

♪♪

(cattle mooing)

There's the vision! Callus, I could kiss you!

FRANCINE: Stan, what are you doing?

Nothing!

(door slams)

(Italian music plays)

I call this Smith family meeting to order.

(banging)

Hmm. Bread's fresher than usual.

Now, there's no easy way to say this, so here goes.

This family is soft. Especially Hayley.

Actually, that was pretty easy.

- What? - Well, no more.

Ugh! You've still got that thing?

It's time, through hard work and simple living,

for the Smith family to become... Farm Tough.

Oop. Dropped my callus in the baked ziti.

Everybody just be aware.

Anyway, I say we leave our city lives behind

and move to a farm!

Oh, yeah! I'm gonna be the toughest little farm boy ever!

Playing with horsies and moo-moos all day.

Mee-ow!

And my first celebrity crush

was that old farmer in that painting...

(turned on) holding that big-ass pitchfork.

A simple farm life, you say? Oh, man, I just don't know.

I think it would be good for us.

I guess I'm open to being convinced,

but I'm really on the fence here.

- Let's have a vote. - Okay, but I'm still undecided.

All in favor?

Damn it, Hayley!

Per Smith family bylaws,

all family votes must be unanimous.

We know, Kevin!

Look, I do like the idea of living more sustainably,

but we don't need to move to a farm.

Hey, why don't we try urban homesteading?

That's when people in cities do small-scale

farming in their backyards.

(sighs) Fine. All in favor?

(gags) I just swallowed the callus.

♪♪

Okay, so, farming.

Um, we're probably gonna need some dirt, right?

Should we... buy it? Or make it?

That's great, sweetie. Let me just scooch ya over here a bit.

You're right in the path of the bulldozer.

Thanks, Dad. And -- In the what of the what, now?

- (screams) - (rumbling)

To get Farm Tough, we're gonna need more room to farm.

Come on! I got overalls for everyone out back!

Whoa! You guys! Come check out this huge pile of worms!

Okay. See ya at the overalls!

♪♪

Dad, this is not what we agreed to!

Sure it is. This was your idea, Hayley --

urban homesteading, farming right in the heart of the city.

Small-scale farming!

Well, if it's small-scale that gets your engine revving,

you're gonna love our new tiny farmhouse.

Come on, everybody. I'll give you the tour.

How are we gonna sleep?

Not on a stack of 20 downy mattresses, princess.

For the last time, I didn't say, "I felt a pea."

I said my mattress "smelled like pee."

- I peed the bed. - Anyway, I'll show you

how you'll sleep, 'cause it's bedtime anyway.

We're on farm hours now. Bed by 4:00. Up at 2:00.

- Steve-boy, this is you. - I can't fit in there.

Just give it a try, Steve-boy.

- Yes, Mother. - Correction.

Now that we're farm folk,

I'm the one who calls my wife "Mother."

Night! (grunting)

STEVE: Oh, God!

Roger.

Hayley and Jeff.

And, Mother, if you open up this oil painting

of blond Jesus, there's a cupboard behind.

(Steve gasps)

Hello!

- (grunts) - Aah!

Hi.

Ohh!

Stan, this is Amos.

- (grunting) - Hey.

(Hayley gasps)

Amos! It's not what it looks like!

(country fiddle plays)

(grunting) Oh, yeah!

I feel myself gettin' tougher already!

Mornin', neighbor!

Well, look who it is.

Sun's already almost up, Sleeping Beauty.

I was stuck in the wall fighting off hundreds of tiny spiders!

Oh, yeah, we're raising spiders now, too.

I'm gonna sell 'em to a Spider-Man movie!

Which we'll never see, of course,

because we're foregoing all modern technology.

On pain of shunning?

Done! We'll need maximum discipline

because this homestead must succeed.

I quit my job and took out a mortgage

with a 39% interest rate to pay for the renovations.

- You did what?! - The bankers were high-fiving

while I signed the paperwork.

Looking back, probably should've been a red flag.

Maybe we need to worry less about me becoming Farm Tough

and more about you being so Farm Stupid!

(gasps) Shun 'er, Stan!

She talketh back to thee, dude!

Hold up. Wait, though. I want to get this for my TikTok.

(gasps) Gewgaw!

Aw, shit. I'mma get shunned, aren't I?

Roger has violated the rules of the farm.

He must be shunned.

It was one mistake, and we just came up with the rule.

Why are you being so hard on him?

Because modern luxuries make us soft.

Roger, you are shunned.

Whatever. I'm still the most Amish mother-(bleep) here.

(whirring)

♪♪

- (beep) - Hey, Stan.

I just want to give you an update

on the K-dog's adventures in Scientology.

Long story short, it works!

I had a major personal breakthrough.

I realized...

that Battlefield Earth is a cool movie!

- (alarms blaring) - Ohp. Gotta go.

They're starting it again, and I don't want to be late

because if you are, they beat you senseless.

All right. Tell everyone I'm doing great.

Xenu later, alligator!

(giggles)

♪♪

Aaaah! I broke my leg!

Rabbit hole. We got varmints.

That's bad. But the pain'll toughen Steve up. That's good.

Should we all break our legs? Yes!

Everybody, line up!

(gasps) Varmint!

Stop! You don't have to kill it!

Yes, we do, Hayley!

Varmints suck the very lifeblood out of a farm.

Rabbits, termites, orangutans.

The only good varmint is...

A dead varmint?

No! A rock-'n'-roll gopher,

like that zany little troublemaker from Caddyshack.

We can keep it away from our crops without killing it.

I'm gonna go release it in the woods at the end of the block.

Hayley, how are you still so far from being Farm Tough?

Dan-boy will never accept my dowry if you're this soft.

I'm already married to Jeff!

(gasps) But I promised Dan-boy a brawny virgin!

Oh, no. Your leg is broken.

(owl hooting)

(wolves snarling)

(owl hooting, rifle cocks)

(wolf snarling)

(owl hoots)

Sorry, little guy. This is gonna hurt a bit.

(ominous chords strike)

STAN: Suppertime!

(clicking)

Uh, that's it? But, Pa, I'm so hungry.

Well, if you're thinking about sneakin' extra carrots,

you are gunnin' for a shunnin'.

You know the rules -- no electric stuff,

no extra food, no creature comforts.

(turned on) So strict, so strong.

Why don't you join old Mother Hubbard in her cupboard

and give this creature a little comfort?

(blows)

Yes, ma'am!

(Stan moaning, Francine giggling and moaning)

I'm gonna have my carrot outside.

Wait! Take me with you!

- (bone cracks) - Unh!

STAN: Mother, may I?

FRANCINE: Ohh, you may!

STAN (grunting): Ohh.

♪♪

Looks like you're all healed up!

See? How much trouble could one widdle shbunny-shmunchkin

like you cause, anyway?

(crunching)

(grunting and giggling)

BUNNY (grunting): Ehh.

This is all my fault.

I... coddled a varmint.

Well, with no carrots to sell,

it's only a matter of time before we lose the farm.

I've heard tell of a man six counties over

might buy our goat.

If I don't make it back, tell your mother...

sorry I busted my nut so quick.

She'll know what it means.

Let me try to make this right.

There's still time to re-plant and harvest

- the crops before winter. - You can try.

But with Steve-boy lame,

Jeff-boy sick with TB and Mother-boy tending to him,

you'll have to do it all on your own, Hayley-boy.

♪♪

(crunching)

♪♪

(gunshot)

(grunting)

♪♪

♪♪

(screaming)

(thunder crashes)

♪♪

I did it.

- (music thumping) - ♪ Boy ♪

(music stops)

♪ There's violence ♪

♪ And and a-lots of work to be done ♪

♪♪

♪ No place to hang out our washing ♪

♪ And and I can't blame all on the sun, oh, no ♪

♪ I love my secret room of electric stuff and food ♪

♪ And all my creature comforts ♪

PEPPY ROBOT: Time extension.

You've been sneaking down here

since the very first day, haven't you?!

Breaking all your own stupid rules!

Hey, this has always been

about making you Farm Tough. Not me.

Well, guess what. I have become tough.

Tough enough to know you can't show

a varmint like you any mercy.

So, Dad, you are...

shunned!

Well, at least let me go back for my digital cocktail scale

that I -- Gah!

Smiths! What's the good word?

Movin' right along!

♪♪

(crunching)

You must really miss your family, huh, Stan?

Think you'll be able to go back soon?

Hoo, wouldn't bet on it. Shunning's serious business.

But on the bright side, I succeeded in my goal.

Hayley is tougher than a thousand Jason Momoas.

By the way, I accidentally ordered nine pornos last night.

Sometimes it's crazy what great parenting looks like.

- Closer than you might think! - What?

Oh. Oh, I thought maybe you just said,

"I wonder where Roger is right now."

- Nope. - Well, here I am anyway.

Yeah, after you shunned me,

I kind of fell in with the varmints.

Got any vegetables going here?

Too risky over at the old Smith farm,

ever since Hayley took over.

Yep, she's tough as nails.

I don't know, Stan. Maybe you should take a look

at what being tough has really done to her.

(spits)

(spits)

H-Hayley?

I was wonderin', since the harvest come in so good,

maybe we could afford to call a doctor for Jeff-boy?

He's in a bad way.

(spits) Ya don't waste a bone on a dyin' dog, woman.

(rock-'n'-roll music plays)

(gasps)

♪♪

- (gasps) - Set a pot to boil.

And I don't wanna hear another word outta you,

or you're goin' in the box.

But Steve-boy's already in the box.

I can make another box.

STEVE: When can I come out the box, sister?

I said no talkin' in there! Punishment increased!

(possum snarling)

(Steve screaming)

(Jeff coughing)

Ugh. Jeff-boy.

Time to take that dyin' dog to the woods

what he don't attract critters when he croaks.

(door opens and closes)

(weakly) Whoa.

This takes me back to our wedding night, babe.

Ohh.

I'm gonna give it to you so good.

The farm has made Hayley too tough.

So, to get the old Hayley back, we gotta take that farm down.

- What are you thinking? - Good old-fashioned sabotage.

Varmint sabotage?

TOGETHER: Rabbitage!

Let's do it!

And do we contact Weird Al's people,

see if he's interested in "Rabbitage" as a song idea,

make ourselves a little scratch?

It'd be pretty cool to collaborate with Weird Al,

but I don't see it happening.

♪♪

♪♪

♪ IIIII'll nab cabbage and do plant damage ♪

♪ I'mma masticate, the crops I take ♪

♪ You can't grow carrots while I'm in here ♪

♪ Now my bunny ears cause your bunny fears so ♪

♪ While you re-seed and wonder why ♪

♪ Your farm's in ruins, corn has all died ♪

♪ Holes in sod, missing cabb-age ♪

♪ I'm tellin' y'all it's rabbitage ♪

♪ Listen, all y'all, it's rabbitage ♪

♪ Listen, all y'all, it's rabbitage ♪

♪ Listen, all y'all, it's rabbitage ♪

♪ Listen, all y'all, it's rabbitage ♪

Varmints! I'm comin' fer you!

♪ Whoooooooa ♪

♪ Whoooooooa ♪

(crunching)

That's right, Stan. I found a way.

(walkie clicks)

This farm's as good as done for, Roger.

Just be careful of all these traps.

ROGER: Uh, luckily for me,

I'm a bit smarter than an actual rabbit, Stan.

Would ya look at that? Somebody left a perfectly good

sploop of peanut butter underneath this bucket.

- (bucket clangs) - HAYLEY: Varmint!

ROGER: Aah!

(gunshot)

♪♪

Aah!

(suspenseful music plays)

- (gun cocks) - Do it, Hayley.

I've been depressed for a good, long while now.

Hayley, stop! Roger, we'll get you help.

Listen. I owe you an apology.

What good is making you tough enough

to take care of yourself if along the way,

you lose everything that made you

such a kind, compassionate, wonderful person to begin with?

I miss that Hayley. The soft Hayley.

(softly) Well, I guess...

(sternly) I'll be killin' two varmints today.

- Can't shoot through a blanket! - Get this thang offa me!

So got-dang... soft!

And plush, and...

(music plays, audience cheering)

James Corden. So mildly amusing.

(music and cheering continue)

♪♪

Mm. Creature comforts.

Wow. I guess I got a little carried away, huh?

(Stan and Roger sigh)

I'm just glad to have you back, baby girl,

and that we put everything back to normal

before anybody really got hurt.

So cold.

Jeff! Thank God!

They're hunting me, Jeff.

They do not like it when you joke about Xenu.

Or when you wear a wire for Xenu York Times.

Bye! Have a great time!