All language subtitles for 04 The Expiration Date

♪ Well, I don't know
Why I came here tonight ♪

♪ Got the feelin'
That somethin' ain't right ♪

♪ I'm so scared
In case I fall off my chair ♪

♪ And I'm wondering
How I'll get down the stairs ♪

♪ And there's clowns to the left of me
Jokers to the right ♪

♪ Here I am
Stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Nick?

Nick.

-Hey!
-Yeah. Oh, shit.

Did I fall asleep?

Yeah, we both must have dozed off.

That was amazing.

-You are...
-Yeah, you too.

-Time to go.
-...amazing.

Come on, time to go.

Come on, up and at 'em.

-You're gonna really make me get up?
-Yes, come on. Come on.

And go all the way downstairs
and have my chauffeur take me home?

Your struggle is an inspiration
to all of us.

Here are your Gucci loafers.

God...

how do you always manage
to look so great?

Oh, please.

I just woke up.

I must look like hell.

We can still call it "casual"
and have the occasional sleepover.

They call that "college." Keep it moving.

Usually I'm the one kicking the girl out
at the end of the night.

I don't care for this.

Oh, is it wrong that I enjoy
making you feel cheap?

Come on, you gotta give me something.

Maybe next time a two-hour nap, post-sex?

Half-hour catnap
and I'm setting an alarm.

Fine, but it's going to cut
into your cuddling time.

I'll live.

Oh, God.

I thought you were gonna bail on me
after your big date.

Nope. I need recovery time.

I found these old Apple Loops
in the cabinet from before I left.

You think they're still good?

Sure. Better with age, like us.

I have to admit,
I miss a good preservative.

Santa Fe was so "all-natural,"

but nothing beats fruity chemicals
for TV night.

Oh, God, I'd just love to be able to,
you know, just drop it all.

Right. And just relax.

And pass gas.

Oh, please, don't pass gas.

Okay, starting now.

Starting now.

Ah.

Oh.

If you would just use this cane
the doctor gave you,

your knee wouldn't swell up so much.

Well, if Nick saw me with that cane,
he wouldn't swell up so much.

You know, I have to say,
you put in a lot of work for this guy.

Is this where you're gonna start
to get on me for dating a younger man?

No, I'm cool with that.

I used to sit Bud and Coyote down
and explain to them

that it was perfectly natural
if their friends were attracted to me.

Well, that must have been
very comforting for them to hear.

Well, it is
a fair amount of work with Nick.

A few hours of prep,
a few hours of recovery.

And this guy is worth all this?

There are 30 magic minutes in there
when I feel as young as I have ever felt.

Although, I think he did hear a few
"ouches" tonight when I bent my knee.

I don't have that problem with Jacob.

During sex, we both know
that half the moans we're making

have absolutely nothing to do
with pleasure.

That must be nice.

Mm.

But, you know, we know
this has a clear expiration date.

I mean, it's new and exciting for him now
to be dating an older woman,

but he'll move on soon enough.

So... whose night is it?

Well, Tuesday we re-watched Goonies
for the 40th time, so it's my night.

Great!

So... Goonies?

Hey, I forgot my wallet.

Oh, my God!
Oh, he can't see me like this.

-No, no. Okay.
-Help me cover up.

-Okay, okay. Here.
-Make sure my feet are covered.

-Okay.
-Get the lights!

And you gotta give him his wallet.

Okay. Oh, God.

Everything okay in there?

Uh, hold your horses, fat cat!

Well, where the hell is it?

It's on the pony wall in the dining room!
He paid for takeout!

I got it!

Oh.

Of course it's leather, probably Italian.

Oh, Jesus, it feels so buttery.

Interesting technique, turning off
the lights to look for something.

-Hiya, Kooky. Welcome back.
-Thanks.

I missed that inventive nickname so much,
I couldn't stay away.

-Is Grace still up?
-Nope.

What's that lump under the afghan?

Four additional afghans.
It gets cold here at night.

Here. Oh, wait.

Finder's fee.

Toodles.

At most, I'm three afghans.

I just had a lovely driveway-chat
with our new neighbor.

Is he that handsome guy
we waved to the other day?

The one who looks like a JCPenney Model?

Yep, Oliver.

He and his boyfriend, Joe,
are planning their backyard wedding.

-Oh, it's a couple.
-Yep.

And I invited them over for drinks later!

Oh, here we go.

What?

Wouldn't it be nice for us
to have "our" gay friends,

instead of "yours" and "mine," separately?

But they're younger, Sol.

And if they like throwing events
in their backyard,

they may be party gays.

Huh.

Is this some of that hip lingo
you picked up from your new Lear crowd?

You mean my theater gays?

-Oh. Are you a theater gay?
-I am.

I am also an elder gay.

And me? Am I a lawyer gay?

No, that's not a thing.
But you may be an activist gay.

-Oh, I like that.
-I thought you might.

And what about our new neighbors?

They have a custom furniture store
in Hillcrest.

Oliver does interiors
and Joe is a carpenter.

A style gay and a butch gay.

Let's not play this with the new guys.
They might hate us.

Agreed.

Wow.

You made quick work
putting this place back together.

Back in, baby!

I did keep a few hints
of Sheree pink, though,

to symbolize the "new"
of my "new old life."

Oof. That's a big concept
for first thing in the morning.

Would this be an easier concept?

I need a ride to the credit union later.

Your new life still inconveniences me
like your old life.

I can't. I have to meet Nick at 4:00.
Listen to this.

"Been thinking about last night.

We need to talk."

Oh, God. He wants a three-way.

No. Uh...

I know what it is.

We've reached our expiration date.
He's gonna break up with me.

I'm sorry.

It was fun while it lasted.

Not to be indelicate,
but if you're not meeting Nick till 4:00,

maybe you can take me
to the credit union.

You can drive your new old self.

I have to start getting ready now.

I want to look better than ever
so he'll regret it.

Grace... when he breaks up with you,
you know what to tell him.

He has herpes?

He has herpes.

Thank you so much. Have a good one.

Next!

Oh, for fuck's...

Mindy! Look who's back!

Yep.

I hadn't seen you in a couple of months.
I was hoping that you'd changed banks.

Said with a smile. Always a smile.

Look, I'm not looking for trouble
here today, just a new bank card.

-What'd you do, try to eat it?
-Really?

Was it a goat? Did a goat chew on it?

See, this is where we get into trouble.

I am a valued and loyal customer,
and you are a black fly in my chardonnay.

We are required to ask.

And are you required to have that face?

-You're dead.
-Oh, man.

If this is the way
you really want this to go,

let's do this, stone-cold style.

-No! No, no, no!
-Come on! Come on!

No, you're really dead.

Deceased. It says so right here.

What? That's impossible.

Not according to the Social Security
Administration death master file.

Very funny, Mindy.
Would you take me off that, please?

It may surprise you, but that is
about 17,000 steps above my pay grade.

But I'm right here! How can I be dead?

I am not saying that you're dead.

I'm saying that Frankie Bergstein is dead.

Well, okay, I'm Frankie Bergstein.

She's dead.

You're enjoying this, aren't you?

I am.

And I'm afraid I can't issue
a new card to a dead lady.

Next!

I am standing right here!

Next.

Carolyn!

How's the grandbaby?

Boy, you are dead all over the place.
It's not just the bank.

Social Security, your Visa,
your Red Roof Inn rewards card.

God, Grace, I'm never going to meet
my first grandchild!

That's actually not the way this works.
You're only legally dead.

-Well, I want to be undead.
-Well, that is a whole different thing.

How could this have happened?

Really?

You have absolutely no idea
how this could have happened?

I lost the damn key
to my post office box again.

-The replacement key is--
-Sixty bucks, I know.

I've paid it 12 times.

But I'm moving to Santa Fe.
It's my last batch of mail.

Can't you cut me a little slack
just this once?

The rule is only people with a key
can have access to their mail.

There's no other option?

Not unless...

Hello, darling. I'm here to collect mail
from box 1524.

That belongs to Frankie Bergstein.

Unfortunately, she is no longer with us.

And according to my latest Google search,

her death automatically releases her mail
to the next of kin,

which is yours truly.

This is terrible news.

Although, she didn't look very good
the last time she was here.

She said the same thing about you.

In fact, those were her very last words.

-Oh.
-You told a federal agency you were dead?

But I never thought
that the post office would tell Mindy!

They tell everyone!

Oh, God.

Oh, boy, when you step in it,
you go deep.

Hey, last week's adventure with Sheree
ended up all good.

They can't all be gems.

Well, this is one
you may not come back from, kiddo.

I've got to go meet Nick.

Oh!

Oh, God, this is gonna kill me.

Well, at least you're still alive!

Ah.

If drinks go well,
I'm going to suggest dinner.

And if that goes well, I think we should
talk to them about Miami in April.

Slow down, Sol. Why don't we wait to see
if we all like each other first?

Of course! Of course! I'm just excited.

We've never had a fun gay couple
in the neighborhood before.

Oh?

What about Greg and Jeffrey?

I said "fun."

I thought watching Greco-Roman wrestling
was fun.

- Come in.
- Hi. How are you?

Hi.

Robert, this is Oliver and Jo.

Hi. Wow, your house is... beautiful.

Thank you. Nice to meet you, Joanna?

No, no. Just Jo.

I see.

I was expecting a...

a... longer name.

Hmm.

Didn't know what to get

because we've never had coffee together,
have we?

It's weird we've never had coffee.

Oh, God, are you a tea person?

I'm a get-right-to-the-point person.

-So, why don't you...
-Okay. Okay, I'm just going to say it.

I want more.

-You want to see more people?
-No.

I want more you.

-What? No, you don't.
-Yes, I do.

Grace, do you like me?

Well, I wouldn't be sleeping with you
if I didn't like you.

So, when I like something,
I want more of it.

I've noticed that about you.
You kind of lead with that.

See? It's effortless with you.

I'm not sure I'd call it "effortless."

So, if you like me,
why can't I sleep over once in a while?

Or meet your kids?

Or go away with you sometime?

Because that's not what this is.

Why not? Can't we just give it a try?

How about a week away in Paris?

Just you, me, and the Champs-Élysées.

How about Santa Barbara for an afternoon?

How about Hawaii?

Bright sun, skinny dipping,
you in a bikini.

Holy shit.

Let's do an overnight in Santa Barbara.

Let's do a long weekend in Santa Barbara.

Okay, forget Santa Barbara.

Now, I'll give you one overnight a week
at my house.

Fine.
And I get to keep a toothbrush there.

Travel-size only.

Deal. Now, more personally...

Oh, my God. There's more?

You've met my son
and I've met zero on your side.

-I want to have dinner with your kids.
-Lunch. One kid.

Lunch. Two kids. Nobu.

My house. One kid. The nice one.

Done.

You show your hand too much.

You could've gotten Santa Barbara.

Oh, you're good.

We'll be right back.

Oh, my God.

What a lovely pair of homosexuals
we have living next door.

I don't know what the hell is happening.

Oliver was so clearly gay
in the driveway this morning.

I'll tell you what's happening, Sol.
You were clearly way off-base.

- Yep, yep.
- Here we are.

- It is so lovely here.
- Thank you.

So...

-how soon is the wedding?
-Next May.

I'm pulling for an intimate
family gathering in our backyard.

But I've always dreamed of a wedding
in the Hamptons at Grey Gardens.

You know that short window of time when
the lilies of the valley are in bloom?

I do know that time.

He's the romantic.
I'm the Practical Patty.

Opposites attract!

You guys have a lot going on.
Moving and planning a wedding.

And running a business.

Yeah, with our luck, this is exactly
when we'll get pregnant.

Right? Bring it on!

I mean, we're super busy now, but it's
worth it for the future we both want.

I know you're worth it, but you're
the one who has to put up with me.

Okay. Okay, is anybody gonna say
what we're all thinking?

Uh...

What are we all thinking?

Where did you get
those salt and pepper shakers?!

Is it Mary and Lou? Because I love them!

- I love them.
- Me too.

No, I am not dead.
I don't care what it says.

I am talking to you
on the phone right now.

Really?

And tell me, do you get a lot
of obituary-scanning swindlers

at Popcorn Ball of the Month?

Next month is butterscotch balls.

And I want to live!

-I mean...
-I know!

-It's just...
-I know!

That's the guy I met in the driveway!

So what the hell are they doing,
those two?

Well, clearly he makes Jo happy.

Maybe they have some arrangement.

Sol, we know exactly what they have.
We had it ourselves.

Someone should tell her the truth.

That's up to Oliver,
and clearly he's not there yet.

What if it takes him 20 years?

I think you may be over-identifying here.

I'm just saying, maybe we should have

-a heart-to-heart with Jo.
-What?!

We're in a very unique position
to help her.

No, sir!

First of all, they're terrific.

Second of all, stop over-identifying!

How can I not?

Why are you trying to ruin this for me?
Do you not want us to have friends?

Sol, we could save that woman
years of regret.

The way we weren't able to do
for Frankie and Grace.

Frankie didn't regret
a moment of our time together.

Well, Grace feels differently.

And I'm not gonna stand by now and watch
someone do that to someone else.

I cannot believe I'm hearing you say
you want to out a man you only just met.

Robert!

Whatever you say to her
can't ever be unsaid.

You'll be responsible
for whatever follows.

Are you sure you're ready for that?

No.

So... please...

stay out of this.

You're right. I know you're right.

I know I'm right, too.

Oh... Thank you for doing this
on such short notice, honey.

Are you kidding?
A chance to meet Mom's new boyfriend?

-We're not calling him that.
-Oh, what are we calling him?

My man... date.

Okay.

-What's going on with your leg?
-I'm fine. Let's just sit down.

Hi!

What the hell?

Foolish enough
to leave your side door open.

Why are you here?

Well, to punish you for not inviting me.

And because your youngest
can't keep secrets.

-This wasn't a secret. It was--
-Mom...

you've never introduced us
to anyone that you've dated.

The fact you want Mallory to meet him
and not me means you're hiding something.

Why are you walking that way?
Did he do something to your legs?

I will fucking kill him!

No! I'm fine!

We're just not gonna bring it up
when he's here.

I have to fill you in on a few things
about him first.

What, does he wear a gold chain?
Is there a hairpiece issue?

-Are we dealing with old man smell here?
-No, he's definitely not old.

He's here!

Ooh.

-Nick.
-Hey.

Hi. Oh...

Mmm. Beautiful. Thank you.

-Nick, this is Mallory.
-Hi.

-Pleasure to meet you.
-You, too.

-And this is--
-Brianna!

Nick?

Oh, wow. Whoa, it's been a while.

Oh, my God!
You've slept with my daughter!

-What?
-Oh, wow!

You really shouldn't have come.

Mom, no!

No, no, no, no, no. No.

He slept with my friend.

He dated my friend, Kelly.

Years ago. Lots of years ago.

Your friend, Kelly?

Your much older friend, Kelly?

I mean... Let's see,
when I was a junior, she was...

Fifty?

-Right, she was 50?
-Grace.

Oh, wait, not little Kelly.

Little Kelly who you grew up with?

Grace...

Little Kelly who you went
trick-or-treating with?

Little Kelly who pooped in our hot tub?

Oh, that Kelly.

It was not a serious thing,
and it was a while back.

-A little help here, please?
-Yeah. Mom, this was a long time ago.

-Yeah, like, maybe four years ago.
-Ten.

-More like ten.
-Right. Probably ten.

I always get four and ten mixed up.
Who needs a drink?

I'd like a martini, please.

And then, I'd like a pitcher of martinis.

I can make that happen. Girls?

-Same.
-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, good, good.

And to think I was nervous
about today's lunch.

If it makes you feel any better,
Kelly pooped in my hot tub, too.

- Oh, he's funny.
- He's funny. Yeah.

It's an existential crisis!
It's a bureaucratic nightmare!

I feel like I am trapped in a body bag
wrapped in a thousand feet of red tape!

It's terrible. Just terrible.

You know she's not actually dead, Sol.

I know. I know. It just got to me.

You know I love you so much, right?

Everybody needs to toughen up
and get me resurrected

before I really lose my shit!

I hate to tell you,
but it's not going to be easy.

I will do whatever it takes.
What are we talking about here?

A little payola
for one of your judge friends?

I'm afraid we've hit our quota of favors
from our judge friends.

To help get us out of jail.

Oh, damn you feisty queens,
using up all my pay for play!

I'm sorry.

You need to understand
there is no quick fix here.

At this rate,
by the time I'm alive, I will be dead.

Let me get you some of my banana bread.
It always does the trick.

Frankie, can I ask you something
just between us?

Lord, just tell him
you hate his banana bread.

We all know it's too gummy.

It's been that way for years.
It's just that I've gotten used to it.

No, it's more serious
than his banana bread.

I need to ask you, before you got married,

if someone knew that Sol was gay,
would you have wanted them to tell you?

Someone did tell me.

And we never spoke again.

Frankie.

Frankie.

Caw, caw.

Ding, ding. Frankie.

Boy, I was really out to sea there.

What's happening? Are we sitting shiva?

You'd have to bury me first.

There is an upside to all of this.
No car payments, no more taxes.

I mean, you might even be off
the FBI watch list.

You know what? Being dead
isn't all it's cracked up to be.

And let's be honest, when you're my age,
the real thing is not that far off.

Oh.

I mean, what haven't I done?

What regrets do I have?

And do I have time to change things?

Well, I mean,
I know I regret popping by to see you.

Sorry. I can't help reckoning
with a life unfinished.

Wow, this is good times.

What can I do to cheer you up?

Oh...

Do you by chance have
a butterscotch popcorn ball?

There she is.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Uh, we just wanted to say thank you
for the other night.

Oh, you didn't need to.

Of course, I did have to go to three
different places to find the right one,

but I'm kind of insane about orchids.

Well, who isn't?

-Oh, thanks very much.
-You're very welcome.

So, we'll see you soon, I hope.

You know, Jo and I
were just saying last night

that we would be lucky to be half as happy
as you and Sol seem to be.

Oh, that's very sweet.

How long have you been married?

Not long, but we were both married before.

Oh, really? You were?

Yeah.

Actually...

it's a very interesting story.

I can't believe she's never
gonna meet her first grandchild.

She never should have gone
to the post office that day.

Frankie Bergstein is dead.

She had so much more to do.

If she only had the time.

I didn't think she was all that.

Teddie?

This is my travel-size.

I also brought this...
because the big one was a joke.

It's cute...

which just makes this harder.

Oh, no.

Little Kelly, right?

I can't compete with younger women, Nick.

And I don't want to anymore.

Grace, you don't have to.

Look, you have been honest with me,
and I owe you the same thing.

I just... I can't keep this up.

I don't get it.

There's a reality here
that you are not seeing.

Where? What the hell reality
are you talking about?

Me. The reality of me

and everything that goes along
with my... age.

What are you so afraid of?

Once you see the real me,
you are gonna run for the hills.

I want to see you.

That's all I keep saying.

-Oh, really?
-Yes.

You think you can handle this?

You think you can handle this?

And this?

Knee and all the real nitty-gritty
underneath all of this?

Huh?

You want me for real...

Well, here I am, baby.

And there's only one direction I go
from here, I'm afraid,

and it's not prettier.

Oh, yeah, and here...
is my new little friend.

So, you want me?

You want the real me?
Well, this is what you get.

I'll take it.

♪ Babe ♪

♪ There's something tragic about you ♪

♪ Something so magic about you ♪

♪ Don't you agree? ♪

♪ Babe ♪

♪ There's something lonesome about you ♪

♪ Something so wholesome about you ♪

♪ Get closer to me ♪

♪ No tight side ♪

♪ No rollin' eyes ♪

♪ No irony ♪

♪ No "Who cares?" ♪

♪ No vacant stares ♪

♪ No time for me ♪

Okay, good night.