All language subtitles for 03 The Tappys

♪ Well, I don't know
Why I came here tonight ♪

♪ Got the feelin'
That somethin' ain't right ♪

♪ I'm so scared
In case I fall off my chair ♪

♪ And I'm wondering
How I'll get down the stairs ♪

♪ And there's clowns to the left of me
Jokers to the right ♪

♪ Here I am
Stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Hmm.

That's another tough one.

But if you had to say...

Okay, if I had to say,
I guess I would say...

Ed would play the pan flute
on a Tuesday in the Alps.

But don't forget Ed's dead
and the Alps aren't real, so...

May I ask where you're going
with these strange questions?

No one knows how to get
Sheree's house back better than Sheree.

That's me!

-She just doesn't know she knows it.
-I don't!

So we have to poke around
in Ed-and-Sheree-land until she does.

Frankie, you're really good at this.

I'm an amateur sleuth
with an unimpeachable track record.

Solving the mystery
of who put Jolly Ranchers in the blender

isn't much of a track record.

Me, when I was high.

It was a hard one to crack.

Oh, it's Jacob. I want to talk.

Oh, but I need an hour
just to go through my squirrel story.

Well, we can take a break.

A break? You know who takes breaks?

You.

Constantly.

That's my genius.

I appear to be taking breaks,
but I am always working.

In fact, I took a break
in the middle of that sentence

and you didn't even know it.

I didn't notice.

Um... We have a problem.

Yeah, we should be doing this naked
in a sweat lodge.

No, somebody's putting Sheree's house
on the market.

-Come here. Come. Look.
-What? They can't do that yet!

Look at this.

Oh, those little shits!
Oh, it must have been Patricia.

Arnold's too weak.

How my sweet man could have
such hateful children?

We gotta stop them. We gotta kill them.

I know someone. It's me.

I saw The Accountant
and it really resonated.

I couldn't make heads or tails
of that movie.

Ignore her. How did you know
Ed wanted you to have the house?

He told me. He said it all the time.

Yeah, but did anyone else hear him say it?

And/or did you happen to record
any or all of your conversations?

Okay, you need to go
take a run around the block.

I mean, he put it in a love letter.

He wrote it down?
In his own handwriting?

I think so. He never told me
if he knew other handwritings.

I mean, he did win all those
penmanship medals in third grade.

Yes! Third grade.
Third. Third place. Bronze medal.

-Test your mettle...
-She's stuck in a loop.

A handwritten love letter could possibly
supersede the original will

if the letter were signed and dated.

Well, she thinks it's signed.
She's just not sure it's dated.

And where is this maybe-signed,
possibly-dated letter?

Somewhere in her house.

Yeah, but her stepkids
changed all the locks

and they filed a thing
so she can't get in.

Well, then her lawyer needs to file
another thing to vacate the first thing.

Which we can help with,
if you can wait a few days.

I don't know if you've heard,
but I've been nominated for a Tappy Award

for my performance in 1776
and tomorrow's...

Does no one understand
"ticktock, ticktock"?

On The Doctor House show, this is exactly
when he would break into a patient's house

and get the letter himself.

Okay, first of all,
the show is called House,

and he mostly cures bizarre diseases
after making them worse.

And last time I checked,
we are not breaking into any place.

Well, check again, because we are.

I just did.

We're going to get these two
to help us do the legal stuff.

I'm just afraid if we tip our hand,

the stepkids might figure out
what we're trying to get.

And destroy it.

Oh, Grace. Oh my God, Sol's right.
We need to break in.

I feel like that's a slight bastardization
of what I was trying say.

We are not breaking into her house.

Okay. I didn't want to tell you this,

but we have to do something
while she can still enjoy it.

Because I found some other papers
up in the studio.

Sheree is dying
from Erdheim-Chester disease.

She is not. You heard that on House.

That may be, but Sheree is out of options.

And frankly, so am I.

I'm in limbo here.

I need my home back. I need my studio.

I need to paint.

I tried painting at Starbucks
the other day and it was super weird.

Actually, as still-licensed attorneys,

neither Robert nor I can be party
to the planning of a crime.

I think we've spent enough time
in jail already.

I can't go back, man.

Then we will retreat to Del Taco,

where all my best shenanigans are plotted.

Vámonos, Grace.

I think we all knew this would end
with me back at Del Taco

and that I'd be
breaking into Sheree's house.

Should I be offended they didn't
congratulate me on my Tappy nod?

They're not real theater people.

Excuse me,
I was in Mummenschanz for three years.

-Don't sit down!
-What the fuck?!

Barry, I told you.

Spit uses those pillows
to create a safe space.

Oh, my God. Come on.

Look, until I start my new job,
this is my safe space too, so...

I'm happy to keep paying the dog walker
if you can't juggle watching Spit

with the high stakes world
of waiting for your job to begin.

Okay, you know, I think I can handle it.

Great. Can I just run you through
a few things real quick?

By all means.

So you may have noticed that Spit's bed
moves around during the day.

I trip on it regularly, yes.

So that's because Spit
likes to follow the sun.

So, 2:00 is lunchtime.

So just take 30 pieces of dry food...

like that, but count them out.

Just think of this room
as a giant sundial,

and then move his bed
around it accordingly...

And then moisten it with a mister.

...making sure it's never in full light.

Spit prefers half.

And then hand-feed it to him, crouching
down very non-aggressively on the floor.

How about I don't do that? And he's a dog.

Save that attitude for Lauren.

Oh, I have to show you where I keep
the Ugg boot he likes to hump.

The what?

We call her Candace.

Oh. Damn it. Give me another one.

You've broken two of mine.
Go break another one of your own.

Fine.

Who still uses Diners Club?

"Steven Capono," that's who.

I'm not gonna ask.

Oh, don't.

Shit.

Oh, don't worry, I've done
this hanger thing a million times

to get access to our garage.

-Yeah, or you just leave it open.
-Well, that works, too.

Hey, just give it to me.

Good idea. You're taller. I'll keep watch.

That squirrel.
That squirrel's got its eye on us.

Which is the crux of the squirrel story
I have to tell Jacob.

Nice try, CIA robot-squirrel.

Ah! I did it! Here. I did it!
I did it! Oh, I'm a bad girl.

Grace! Grace! Grace!

Yes!

We did it!

Be cool. Be cool.

Shh.

Hi, Grace.
Tell Frankie her disguise worked.

The mail lady... person, mailperson,
had no idea who I was.

I will. But... we're in your garage
and we've hit a deadbolt.

Oh, God, why are doors so hard?

But there's another way.

But, oh, you're not gonna like it.

You can do this, Grace.

You've been training for it
your whole life.

Yeah, not since I started eating
cheddar biscuits.

That's what the cloggasins are for.

If you get stuck,
I can kick you on through.

-That is not going to work for me.
-Oh, don't worry.

The cloggasins have the heft of a clog,
but the softness of a moccasin.

They're the one good thing
that came out of Santa Fe.

Or are they, in fact, the worst thing?

Oh, come on, Grace.
I'd try it, but my back...

Don't kick me.

Oh, Scout's honor.

Okay, here we go.

That's it! You're doing it!

I'm stuck!

I said not to do that!

-But it's helping!
-No, it's not!

But it's fun!

Get this side in. Yes!

That's it! You did it! We're in!

-Oh, God, my knee.
-Oh, no!

Which knee? The arthritic knee
or the torn meniscus knee?

The one that's still strong enough
to pin you down while I strangle you.

"To be called a 'newcomer' at age 73
was sweet enough...

but to actually win this?

I have so many people to thank.

First and foremost,
my wonderful husband, Sol,

for loving me and talking me down
off every ledge in our house."

Pause for laugh.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

"To Peter, our director,
Kim, our saint of a choreographer,

all the guys in the cast,
and our two dolls...

Guess which show I want to do
after The Music Man?"

Pause for laugh.

Ha-ha-ha.

-Wait, what show?
-Guys and Dolls.

Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

"To everyone at dressbarn
for sponsoring this fancy evening,

I'm honored, I'm touched, I'm verklempt,

all of which Sol will have to deal with
on the car ride home.

Thank you, and God bless."

-Wonderful. Can I make a suggestion?
-Always.

What if this is
your Vanessa Redgrave moment?

I like to think of every moment
as my Vanessa Redgrave moment.

I meant at how she used her Oscar speech
as a political platform.

Sol, this is a dressbarn platform.

It's hardly the time or the place
for burning our bras.

We need to take advantage of whatever
platform we find ourselves standing on.

There are so many things
that need saying right now,

and this is a chance to say it.

Indoors.

In our Sunday best.

With no threat of police action.

That may be more of a "you" thing
than a "me" thing.

You mean...

like ironing?

What were you doing?

-Nothing.
-Bitch, you were watching something.

I am your boss.

Sorry. Mrs. Bitch, what were you watching?

Okay, fine.

Ooh!

Aw, it's the Spit-cam...

now co-starring Barry.

- You're spying.
- No, I'm not spying.

-Does Barry know the cameras are there?
-Probably, deep down. Yeah.

So, no.

It's lunchtime and I need to make sure
that he feeds him correctly.

Good boy, Barry.

No, don't rub his face in it.

This... is... riveting.

He tried for, like, two seconds,
and then he just gave up.

Yeah, like me and the Big Brother program.

Agh, Diego.

Yeah, I can see why everyone's
fighting over this place.

We need to find this letter
and get out of here.

I'll do Reiki on your knee
when we get home.

Oh, that'll be great.

-Really?
-No!

Now help me look!

-Turn that off!
-It's Bud.

They were finding out the sex of the baby.

We have broken and entered.
This is no time--

I'll be quick.

Hey, hi, honey.

Yes. Cut right to it.

-It's a girl!
-That's great. Now hang up.

Bud, congratulations.
I'll call you right back.

Hi, Allison.

Tomorrow's a full moon,
I'll come over and bring my crystals.

Bye, Allison!

Oh!

Just because we are
in the middle of a heist

doesn't mean that phone etiquette
flies out the GD window.

Yeah, well, what about heist etiquette?

Oh, you are gonna school me
on heist etiquette?

Somebody there?

Oh, shit.

-Oh, God.
-Hello?

Hello?

Who the hell are you?

Oh.

-I'm gonna call the cops.
-No, no. I'm gonna level with you.

My name is Jennifer Nightingale.

I'm a harpist-slash-tax accountant
from out of state

and I don't know how I got here.

-What?
-And I'm Carol Carruthers

of Carol Carruthers Realty.

And you must be... Arnold?

Yeah...

Your sister, Patricia, has been in touch.

I didn't know that she'd already
reached out to realtors.

Oh, she has.
So I brought my best customer.

-Jennifer Nightinhorse. Nightingale.
-Jennifer Nightingale

is thinking about moving here
from Santa Fe.

-I always wanted to go there.
-Well, do yourself a favor: Skip it.

-Really?
-Do you like a hot, brown heat?

Do you enjoy finding snakes
in your purse and in your hair,

and not in the empowering Medusa way?

Jenn is looking to make some changes.

She also...
she needs a lot of closet space,

so we'd like to investigate every one
in the house. Every single one. Okay?

I have a lot of jackets.

What about the brown heat?

Well, the jackets are solar.

-Shall we?
-Oh. Okay. Uh, follow me.

I think I love Carol Carruthers.

Well, she is on the fence about you.

And finally, I have to thank my amazing
assistant director, Suzanne Wu,

for always being there with great advice
and a full glass of chardonnay.

Thank you! Thank you!

I hate the Tappy Awards.

-And I've met Suzanne Wu. She's a jackass.
-Shh.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Well, next year, when you win
for The Music Man,

you could be up there thanking me and Sol,
if you agree to let him be my assistant.

Why would I agree to that?

-Sorry, Sol. I tried.
-It's okay.

I just wish that man's very long speech

had been more
than an endless list of thank yous.

On my way out,
I'm going to punch him in the neck.

The nominees for Best Newcomer
in a Play or Musical are...

Oh! Here we go!

Paul Brunetto for Grease.

Robert Hanson for 1776.

- Yay!
- Shh.

Stop! I'm not winning.

Maddie Rogers for Annie.

She's gonna win.

She's already won Best Actress,

Tap,
and Best Female Dancer: Jazz.

Divonni Sella for Tick, Tick... Boom!.

And the winner is...

- Robert Hanson for 1776!
- Oh, my God, I won!

You won!

Ah!

Get up there, "Newcomer"!

Oh, I'll need these. Oh, my gosh.

Mwah!

Oh! Oh!

Wow!

Oh, thank...

I mean, wow!

To be called a "newcomer" at age 73
was sweet enough,

but to actually win this...

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

You know, it was an honor to play...

John Adams, a man who stood up...

...to things that were bigger
and scarier and more powerful than he was.

And, you know,
we had a little taste of that

during our run of 1776.

We had to stand up to bullies
who were threatening to shut us down

because we are a gay theater group.

But we did stand up.

Because the show
of eradicating intolerance must go on.

And for that, I have to thank
my director, Peter Higgins...

and my beautiful, wonderful,
supportive cast:

Paul, Charlie, Wenda, Michael, even Steve.

I thank all those brave souls,

my brothers and sisters in battle.

Must be saving the best for last.

And I thank the one man

who truly made all this possible...

John Adams.

I zoned out. Did he thank you?

Hey!

Hi, little man.

Oh.

-Hey.
-Hi, big man.

-You're home early.
-Not really.

So, you guys have a good day?
How was Spit? Did he eat?

Yeah. Every last bite.

That's good.

Okay, here you go.

-Smells good.
-Yeah.

So what are you doing?

I just want to make sure I threw
all that yogurt out. I hate yogurt.

-I don't know why I keep buying it.
-Because I like it?

And I buy it?

So... did you do the hand thing?

What?

When you fed Spit.

Oh. Yeah.

And it worked?

-Yeah, he ate.
-From your hand?

-Why do you keep asking that?
-No, I was just asking about your day.

Oh.

Well, my mom called--

With Spit.

She got her birthday card.

Wow, when you look in a closet,
you really get in there.

It's hereditary.
Both my parents were gynecologists.

-Oh.
-Oh, what do we have here?

Oh, well that's sort of a catch-all room.

Oh, Arnold, isn't this the perfect time

to tell you all about
the magical world of tax accounting?

-Well--
-Not much is known about tax accounting.

Of course, the ancients tell us
that it all began with Pythagoras,

a known philanderer,

but that's a story for another time.

And that time is now.

- Pythagoras--
- We're clean.

Would you stop talking my ear off
and let's see the rest of the house.

Okay. Well, there are some closets
in the kitchen. Did you see those?

No, but we're about to.

And if there are some crackers
and some soft cheese spread,

we'll see that, too.

Ugh.
Really slaps you in the rods and cones.

-I found it!
-Where'd you come from?

Where was it?

Oh! It was in Ed's humidor
where he hid his candy.

Oh, my God! What kind of candy?

-Lots of kinds! What do you like?
-Signed and dated.

What the hell are you doing here?

The question is what are you doing here?

I have a letter from my husband saying
that he wanted me to have this house.

Our house. Our home.

But you knew that already, Arnold,
didn't you?

-Answer the woman, Arnold.
-Look.

-You know what, I don't know what she--
-What I don't know

is how you and your sister
could treat me like this.

I tried with you.

I invited you to every holiday.

Every Christmas, I stuffed stockings
for you and your kids

and you never came once.

Which was a crappy thing to do
to your father.

And our friend.

Look, Jennifer,

-I don't know what this woman has--
-Get out.

-What?
-Get out of her house.

-He left.
-Damn straight he left!

And he better not come back.

I know all kinds of jujitsu I made up.

I can't believe it.

-Thank you both.
-You're welcome.

Aah!

I meant to thank you!

No, no, I understand.

If you had more time,

you would have gotten to me

and the rest
of your second-tier thank yous.

You had to get Steve in there,
right up there at the top.

Steve, who you once called
"Theatrical ISIS."

But you heard my original speech.
I thanked you first!

-If you hadn't made me change it--
-Oh, this is my fault?

Well, if you hadn't filled my head
with all that political stuff.

Don't put this on me.

Just because I wanted your award
to mean something.

Oh, there it is.

-No, no, I don't mean--
-Yes, you did.

Everything about you these days
is about saving the world

and all else pales in comparison.

Yes, I'm a terrible person
for wanting to heal the world.

No, but you think that everything you do
is more important than what I do,

when what I do means as much to me
as what you do means to you.

And I respect that.

-But I just think...
-Yes?

-...that what I do...
-Tread lightly.

-...is more...
-You sure?

It's apples and oranges, Robert!

And which do you like more, Sol?

You didn't thank me!

And I'm very sorry.

And I've apologized numerous times,
and I would change it if I could.

And I'm sorry I implied
that your thing isn't meaningful.

Thank you.

Oh, sure.

That you thank me for.

"I learned a lot from 1776
about the great men of the past.

But I learn even more every day

from the greatest man
in my present and future,

Sol Bergstein."

When did you add that?

While you were ripping me a new one
in the car ride home.

Pause for laugh.

What are you doing with that?

I just hope I didn't peak too soon.

He's not even trying the hand thing.

Ugh, that's why I broke up
with my last boyfriend.

Gonna have to say something to him.
I mean, before Spit starves to death.

Uh... No, you aren't. Look.

He's eating.

How did he get him--

Shit! Uh-uh.

-Nope. Nope, nope, nope.
-Barry found the cameras.

-Destroy the computer. Meet me in Mexico.
-Okay.

Hey.

Hey.

So, there are cameras around
so I can watch Spit.

Yeah, I noticed.

So, how did you get him
to eat from his bowl?

Well, I put food in it
because he continues to be a dog.

Look at you...

-knowing what's a dog.
-Okay, you know what...

What the fuck is going on?
You follow me to Baltimore, you stalk me.

Right? Then I come back.
But now I feel like you're testing me.

First with Lauren, and now with Spit.

-I'm not testing you.
-Okay, then what are you doing?

I don't know what I'm doing!
Isn't that obvious?

How long are you going to use that
as an excuse?

At what point do you start acting
like a normal person and say,

"I'm in a relationship now"?

But whenever I get to
"I'm in a relationship now," I fuck it up.

Except with Spit, and that's probably
because he can't leave me.

-I'm not leaving you either.
-We don't know that, Barry.

-You can open doors.
-Yes, but...

I will always come back to you.

You're a good boy, Barry.

Thank you.

One sec.

Damn it.

Now if I, as just plain John Doe,

an ordinary citizen, were to see you
making a U-turn, I'd have to...

Hey, Jennifer Nightingale,
I can hear Don Knotts in my bedroom.

You can? I can't.

Well, your ears are just ornamental
at this point, aren't they?

How's that knee, lady?

Oh, it's better.

Just stabbing pains now.

But it was worth it.

-Yeah, it was.
-Yeah.

I couldn't have done it without you.

Impersonating a tax accountant
and her realtor?

I like to think
you wouldn't do it without me.

Well, I wouldn't.

Do you have a secret stash
of love letters?

Robert used to write
very thorough grocery lists.

-Ah.
-You?

Oh, yeah. I've got a whole box of letters.

From Bud and Coyote

when they went to
the Angela Davis Camp for Feminist Boys.

It must be nice for Sheree
to have been loved like that.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Speaking of, did you fill Jacob in
on your squirrel theory?

No, I missed our Skype-Face.

And that means the squirrels win
and I'm never getting to sleep.

-Why not?
-I told you.

He reads to me every night.
That's how I fall asleep.

Sometimes we diddle first.

If I'm being honest,
that's how I fall asleep.

Well...
I'm afraid I can't help you with that.

Can't or won't, Grace?

But I'll tell you what I can do.

"Online services
such as QuickBooks and ZipBooks

can actually take care of all
your small business's bookkeeping needs.

They can generate profit and loss reports,

run balance sheets,

even calculate and distribute
your monthly payroll.

There's a difference
between bookkeeping..."

♪ Close your eyes ♪

♪ Let them rest ♪

♪ I ain't in no hurry ♪

♪ No hurry at all ♪

♪ Rest your head ♪

♪ On my shoulder ♪

♪ I swear I would carry ♪

♪ Carry you on ♪

♪ I won't let you ♪

♪ Worry at all ♪

Okay, good night.