Original subtitles

America, you're a democracy.

You have all kinds of freedom and equality...

and that's great and that works for you and I respect that.

But we got a different system here at the Mac household.

It's called "dictatorship," and it works like this:

See, I am the king and what I say goes.

All the other folks, they're my subjects.

I have my queen, Wanda.

Ooh, boy.

- Your Highness. - My Lady. [Laughs]

I know how to pick 'em, don't...? [Clears Throat]

I got my princess.

Thank you.

Oh.

I've got my court jester.

- What's happening, my man? - [Giggles]

- Oh, here it is. - Give it here.

[Clears Throat]

[British Accent] And my royal pain in the ass.

[British Accent] My royal pain in the ass.

Yuck, these fries are cold.

Just help...

Help yourself.

?? [Rock]

- [Groaning] - Let's go to bed.

- But our favorite show is on next. - What's the name of it?

- Uh... - Yeah, just like I thought. Let's go to bed.

[Groaning]

Every night I go through the same thing.

I don't know what I gotta do to get these kids to listen. Stand on top of my head?

- See, Shannon? I am way out of practice. - Are you kidding?

A lot of girls on the team can't do what you just did.

Like who?

- You know Debbie Menna? - Oh yeah, she's pretty.

Not when she tries a straddle and falls on her face.

Get out. I'm busy.

But Uncle Bernie said we have to go to bed now.

Can't I have one minute to myself? Dang!

Okay, look. You can stay up another half hour, and that's it.

- Yeah! - But Uncle Bernie said we had to go to bed.

Well, I'm saying you can stay up. This is my house too.

I've got rights. And if Bernie Mac's got a problem with that...

well, tough... poop:

Hey, I thought I told y'�ll to go to bed.

Vanessa said we could stay up.

- Nessa? - Yup.

And she said you have tough poop.

- [Door Opens] - Nessa!

- I'm gonna count to three. - Aw, just come tomorrow.

- [Sighs] I don't know. - One!

- It'll get you out of this house. - What time is practice?

- Two! Three! - [Door Closes] - What?

This is what I'm talkin' about. Did you say they could stay up?

- So? - So? When did you become boss around here?

- You should thank me. - Come again?

You are the one who's always complaining...

about how hard it is to get these kids to bed.

Every night you yell and chase them and before you know it...

they've squeezed an extra hour out of you.

- At least. - Whereas you can just let them stay up...

and fall asleep in front of the TV and carry them to bed.

- Is that right? - You'd think you'd learn.

You got it all together, right?

Let me break it down to you, Nessa.

The point is, I make the rules. I give the bedtimes.

I give the orders.

And I expect the orders to be carried out without interference from you.

Is that understood?

- Yeah. - Thank you. I want you two to go to bed right now.

But...

Okay. Come on, Bry.

You see that? Without any interference from you.

America, follow me to the throne room.

The king wishes to have a private audience... immediately.

[Groans] The king is weary from battle, y'�ll.

You all see what I go through.

America, and most nights it's not that easy.

Yeah.

Why was it that easy?

What happened back there?

Come on. Let's look at that scene again.

- You got it all together, right? - All right, there go the Mac man. I'm cool, collected.

- The point is I make the rules. - I'm laying down the laws.

- I give the bedtimes. - I like that.

- I give the orders. - Smooth. In control.

- I expect the orders to be carried out. - Let me see what's goin' on.

- Is that understood? - Yeah.

Thank you. I want you two to go to bed right now.

- But... - Oh! Oh!

- Come on, Bry. - Hold, hold, hold. Wind that back.

Let's reexamine this. You see that?

- You see what I saw? - I want you two to go to bed right now.

- But. - Look.

Skunk. "Trickeration."

Oh-ho!

She signaled him. You saw it.

Right under my own nose. In my own house.

How long has this been goin' on? You can't trust nobody.

- ?? [Soul] - Do I have to eat this?

Yes!

Bye!

- Hey! - Uh-huh.

I don't wanna take a bath.

No bath, no movie.

- Now, the choice is yours. - Okay. Bath.

All this time. Undermining my authority.

Who does she think she is? I'm the king of this castle.

She don't pull no strings around here. I do.

- ?? [Soul] - I'm the puppet master!

I gotta look at it again. I'm gonna pop.

Real clever, Nessa.

Where I come from they call that slick.

- What are you talking about? - What am I talkin' about? You know.

Little games you playin' with the kids.

Signals, the head nod, winks and all that kind of stuff.

Yeah, I got you faded, baby.

- You're trippin'. - Oh, I'm trippin'. Y eah. Okay.

Hey, hey, hey, let me ask you kids somethin'.

Who's the boss around here?

Don't... Don't look at her. Answer the question.

Baby girl, who's the person of authority around here?

Don't look at them, Nessa. Come on, baby girl.

Tell me. Who's the one with authority?

Come on. Answer the question. Who's the leader?

Uh, you're the boss. You're the leader.

We couldn't even answer. You're such a great leader.

I mean we, we follow your every footstep.

We'd jump off a ledge and follow you.

Oh. I-I'm sorry, America. How you doin?

You know, I'm just sittin' here thinking about sleigh dogs.

You know those husky dogs that pull Eskimos all around the North Pole.

You know, I was just sittin' here thinking that life's like a team of dogs...

because if you're not the lead dog...

the only view is another dog's ass.

Is that what life has in store for me, Bernie Mac?

Nothing but dog ass?

America, I used to be the lead dog.

They used to look at my ass.

Boy, that smell good up in here.

Pork chops! Baby, that's fancy. What's the occasion?

We're celebrating. Vanessa made the gymnastics team.

Go, Nessa!

Hold on. It ain't one of them things where I gotta get up...

at 5:00 in the morning and drop you off somewhere?

- Practice is after school. - Go, Nessa!

- [Bell Dings] - You see that?

Yum, brownies! I want one. Can I have one?

Hell no. You can't have no brownie.

Wait a minute.

America, I don't have to be the boss anymore.

Vanessa got the power, and you know what? I won't fight it.

I'll use it to my advantage.

Let her be the boss of them, and I'll be the boss of her.

[Laughs] Doggone it.

Look, I boss her, she bosses them.

I got two less kids I have to talk to.

Doggone, Bernie Mac. Why didn't I think of that earlier?

[Yells] She'll see.

[Laughing]

Yeah.

Better yet, I changed my mind.

You want a brownie? You can have one, son.

- All right! - Uh, but it ain't up to me.

- It's not? - No, it's up to Nessa.

See, she's the one with the authority. What do you say, Nessa?

Would it be all right for your baby brother to fill up on dessert before dinner?

- [Car Horn Honking] - That's Shannon. I gotta go to practice.

- I'll eat when I get home. - No, no, now, Nessa, Nessa. Come on now.

- Can you brother have a brownie or what? - Whatever Uncle Bernie says.

He says I could! Yeah!

- No! Bernie! - I cannot believe that girl got me again.

- No! Bernie! - I cannot believe that girl got me again.

When I try... What the heck is goin'- -

- Nessa? - Dance, Uncle Bernie, dance.

- [Nessa Laughing] - That's you?

Nessa! Nessa, stop it!

Keep dancing. [Laughs]

I'm black, at least keep me on the... on the beat. Thank you.

- [Laughs] - Nessa!

Nessa!

[Chattering, Laughing]

You get your little self in here.

I don't wanna sleep in the office. I wanna stay at Vanessa's party!

Jordan, slumber parties are for girls, honey.

- No boys allowed. - Why? So they can talk about their boobies?

- [Laughs] Jordan said "boobies." - [Laughs] Boobies.

Boobies! [Laughs]

Well, that's the last time we have sugar before bed.

She walked through the house. No one was there.

All the lights was off.

She screamed. She hollered.

But no one heard her.

- The phone was dead. - [Gasping]

She reached for the knob and there was a bloody hook...

[Gasping]

From the last person who touched Bernie Mac's stereo without his permission!

[Laughing Maniacally]

- Okay, can you leave? - Yeah!

Okay. Listen, I'll leave you.

But, seriously, if you girls get hungry, go to a restaurant.

[Laughing]

Enjoy yourself. Have pleasant dreams, you little...

- All right. - Okay. [Laughs]

Good night. [Laughing Maniacally]

He's a professional comedian?

[Chattering]

[Laughing]

Hey, get out.

- It's our room too. - You share a room with your little brother?

- How do you get any privacy? - I don't.

That's the problem. Jordan, get out!

I need my helicopter! Hi, I'm Jordan.

Okay. You got it, now go.

- No, I need my rescue winch. - [Groaning]

[Man On TV] Very deliberate now, working the perimeter as the defense falls...

Will you tell that little brat to stop bothering us?

[Laughs] Shoot.

Baby, I would love to help you out, but he won't listen to me.

He'll only listen to you.

- That's sick. - Ha-ha, the boo-boo. Stick your head in doo-doo.

Look! I'm a gymnast.

Look! I can do a double flip-flop with a banana split.

That's very tough.

Look, I have boobies, too. See?

- [All] Aw. - Oh, that's nothing. Look what I got.

- [Gasping] - [Screaming]

Jordan, I told you to keep that in the barn.

I never ask for anything around here...

but the one time that I want something for myself, they ruin it.

It's not fair.

It's bad enough that I have to share a room with them...

in the first place.

Okay. Go back to your party. They won't bother you anymore.

[Sighs] Thank you.

Now, you two.

You have got to stop bothering your sister.

She's a teenager now, and she needs her privacy...

which means you have to give her her space.

[Both] Do we have to, Uncle Bernie?

[Sighs] I'm afraid so.

Did you see that? Those kids asked me, the alpha dog.

I'm leading the sled again, baby.

All you other dogs get in line 'cause it's sniffing time.

[Laughs, Sniffs, Howls] Yes, sir. [Barks]

- ? I'm the lead dog? - [Barking]

- ? Dog? - [Barking]

? Dog, Mac, the lead dog?

- [Barking] - ? Dog?

- [Barking] - ? Dog?

- ? Oh, lead dog? - [Barking]

Hey, Vanessa's home.

Can you teach me how to do a cartwheel?

I've been doing cartwheels all day, and I need to crash.

- But you promised. - Oh, good, you're home.

- You can help me with my model plane. - Ask your Uncle Bernie.

He gets impatient and jams the pieces.

- What did I say? - Well, I want ice cream. Can you get my lactose pills?

No! I'm sick of doing everything for you guys.

Go ask Bigfoot.

- [Jordan, Bryana] Uncle Bernie! Uncle Bernie! - What? What? What?

- Do I eat nutmeg? - Start my orange.

- Are these dirty? - Pick a color.

- Pull my finger. - Hold my gum.

- What's a lesbian? - I can't feel anything.

I mean, I'm completely numb.

They worked all my nerves...

every last one.

Somebody call a"nerve-ologist."

That's the study of nerves.

Drove me crazy.

Hey, stranger.

- Long practice? - Mm.

Bryana and I made cupcakes.

We saved you one, butJordan ate the top.

They really miss you, you know.

- Maybe this Saturday... - I have a meet on Saturday.

- Well maybe after. - That won't work 'cause we're all going out after.

Nessa! Look here, I know you've got your gymnastic thing goin' on...

but let me tell you something, girl... you gotta find time to raise your own kids.

- What? - What?

- What? - What?

I gave baby girl fourteen piggyback rides.

And if I pull your brother's finger one more doggone time, I could... I'm gonna pull it off.

- Why do you keep putting this on me? - What ya talkin' bout?

They're not my responsibility. I have my own life.

Why can't you all just understand that?

Vanessa, it's just that we never see you:

Good. That's the way I want it right now.

- Why can't you all just leave me alone? - What?

- What did I say? - [Sighs]

- Bernie, what are you doing? - Working out some aggression.

So I can keep from killing that girl.

Bernie, teenage girls have it hard...

and Vanessa's had it tougher than most.

Well, she got it goin' on pretty easy now.

Well, I don't know about that.

I mean, back in Chicago, she pretty much raised those kids.

And if you think about it, she kinda still is.

She's doin a piss-poor job at it, 'cause those kids are runnin' wild.

At least they get to run wild.

She never had the chance.

I mean think about it. She's never really been a kid.

Let's not rob her of being a teenager too.

[Sighs] Hmm, I never thought of that.

- Bernie. - What?

I think I have a great idea.

?? [Classical]

[Applause]

- Way to go, Vanessa! - [Cheering]

[Chattering]

Oh, hey, Vanessa!

- I want you to meet my mom. - Hi.

Vanessa, your beam routine was perfect. You are so graceful.

- Thanks. - Didn't I tell you she was awesome?

- Yeah. Do you need a ride? - Sure.

Okay, this way.

- Hey! How was the meet? - Fine.

- Y'�ll lost, huh? - No, we won.

You won? Oh, I wish we could have been there.

- Well, who stopped you? - You.

- I did? - Yes, sir.

Honey, you said you wanted to be left alone.

We thought we were giving you space.

Figures. Somehow, it's always my fault.

Aw, hey, hey, hey. Come here, man.

- Wh-Wh-Where you goin? - To my room. Do you mind?

No, we don't mind, but that's not the way to your room.

- It's not? - Mm-mmm.

? Ta-dah?

This is your room.

You like it?

- She don't like it. I told you she wouldn't. - Bernie.

I know, sugar. Sometimes it's all just too much.

Nessa, did somebody say somethin' or do somethin' to you?

'Cause I swear to God I'll kill 'em.

I looked for you guys, but you weren't there...

and everybody else had family and I was alone.

That's all right. We will be at every one from now on.

Who won? Who won?

Why are you crying? Don't you like your new room?

- She loves it. - I love it, too.

These floors are perfect for Hot Wheels.

Ain't no Hot Wheels gonna be nowhere around here.

I gave up my bench and weights. I catch you in here, I'll kill you.

Kids, this is Vanessa's room now.

You can only play here if she invites you.

- Are you going to invite us? - All right. Now you two need to get ready for bed.

[Both] Do we have to?

- Yes! - Yes! - Yes!

Okay.

[Sighs]

- [Door Closes] - You know, I never had my own room before.

[Sighs] And you know what?

It's the first time I have understood what you've been goin' through...

and I didn't handle it well.

So, I hope this makes up for it.

Hey! So, come on now. What you think?

You ain't told me what you think about the room.

[Sighs] Well, I see a phone.

- Okay. - But no cable.

[Sighs] There you have it, America.

I spared her life. You know why?

A good king knows when to show mercy.

Mmm.

[Sighs] It's good to be king.

?? [Soul]

?? [Ends]

? Mac's the lead dog?

? I said, Dog Dog?

? 'Cause I'm the lead dog?

? That's right Dog?

? Dog?

? The lead dog Pay attention everybody?

? Dog-ah Dog?

? America, I said?

- [Barking] - ? Ow?

[People Laughing]