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1
00:01:09,030 --> 00:01:10,699
That's not what I'm saying, you imbecile.
2
00:01:10,700 --> 00:01:12,869
God, you completely misrepresent my ideas!
3
00:01:12,870 --> 00:01:14,199
Why am I even bothering
talking to such idiots?
4
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:17,539
- Boris, calm down.
- No, don't tell me to... I am calm.
5
00:01:17,540 --> 00:01:19,879
Don't jump on us just because
we don't understand what you're saying.
6
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:21,079
I didn't jump on you.
7
00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:25,419
It's not the idea behind Christianity
I'm faulting, or Judaism, or any religion.
8
00:01:25,420 --> 00:01:27,969
It's the professionals
who've made it into a corporate business.
9
00:01:27,970 --> 00:01:30,049
There's big money in the God racket.
Big money.
10
00:01:30,050 --> 00:01:31,429
- Here we go.
- We know, Boris.
11
00:01:31,430 --> 00:01:33,849
Hey, the basic teachings of Jesus
are quite wonderful.
12
00:01:33,850 --> 00:01:37,479
So, by the way, is the original
intention of Karl Marx. Okay?
13
00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:40,269
Hey, what could be bad?
Everybody should share equally.
14
00:01:40,270 --> 00:01:43,569
Do unto others. Democracy.
Government by the people.
15
00:01:43,570 --> 00:01:46,418
All great ideas. These
are all great ideas,
16
00:01:46,419 --> 00:01:49,149
but they all suffer
from one fatal flaw.
17
00:01:49,150 --> 00:01:50,449
- Which is?
- Yeah, what's that?
18
00:01:50,450 --> 00:01:53,829
Which is they're all based
on the fallacious notion
19
00:01:53,830 --> 00:01:56,749
that people are fundamentally decent.
20
00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:59,249
Give them a chance to do right
and they'll take it.
21
00:01:59,250 --> 00:02:03,419
They're not stupid, selfish, greedy,
cowardly, short-sighted worms.
22
00:02:03,420 --> 00:02:04,499
They do the best they can.
23
00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:05,589
Speak for yourself, man.
Speak for yourself.
24
00:02:05,590 --> 00:02:09,259
All I'm saying is that people make life
so much worse than it has to be
25
00:02:09,260 --> 00:02:11,929
and, believe me,
it's a nightmare without their help.
26
00:02:11,930 --> 00:02:15,309
But on the whole,
I'm sorry to say, we're a failed species.
27
00:02:15,310 --> 00:02:18,269
- I wouldn't go that far.
- Not Ed.
28
00:02:18,270 --> 00:02:20,519
That's why this woman you like, Joe,
29
00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:24,819
so what if she's an embalmer's assistant,
so she stinks from formaldehyde?
30
00:02:24,820 --> 00:02:27,109
For Christ's sake, you got to take
what little pleasure you can find
31
00:02:27,110 --> 00:02:28,489
in this chamber of horrors.
32
00:02:28,490 --> 00:02:31,489
A little formaldehyde, okay,
but she reeks of it.
33
00:02:31,490 --> 00:02:35,980
You know, they don't know your story.
Boris, tell them your story.
34
00:02:36,290 --> 00:02:40,999
My story is, whatever works. You know,
as long as you don't hurt anybody.
35
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:42,749
Any way you can filch a little joy
36
00:02:42,750 --> 00:02:47,459
in this cruel, dog-eat-dog, pointless,
black chaos. That's my story.
37
00:02:47,460 --> 00:02:50,129
No. That's not... Tell them the story.
38
00:02:50,130 --> 00:02:51,299
- Tell them.
- Yeah. Tell them.
39
00:02:51,300 --> 00:02:53,639
You just want me to say it again,
so they can hear.
40
00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:55,259
- Who?
- Them.
41
00:02:55,260 --> 00:02:56,469
- Who?
- Who's them?
42
00:02:56,470 --> 00:02:58,429
- You see something out there?
- Where?
43
00:02:58,430 --> 00:02:59,469
What are you? An imbecile?
44
00:02:59,470 --> 00:03:00,979
There's an audience full of people
looking at us.
45
00:03:00,980 --> 00:03:02,309
- An audience?
- What's he talking about?
46
00:03:02,310 --> 00:03:04,019
You feel you're being watched.
47
00:03:04,020 --> 00:03:05,979
They paid good money for tickets,
hard-earned money,
48
00:03:05,980 --> 00:03:09,149
so some moron in Hollywood
can buy a bigger swimming pool.
49
00:03:09,150 --> 00:03:14,050
Okay, you're saying there are human beings
out there who bought tickets to watch us.
50
00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:17,829
Well, mostly they're interested in me,
I have to say.
51
00:03:17,830 --> 00:03:20,409
Yeah, they're just sitting there.
Don't you see them?
52
00:03:20,410 --> 00:03:23,539
Some are eating popcorn,
some are just staring straight ahead
53
00:03:23,540 --> 00:03:25,079
breathing through their mouths
like Neanderthals.
54
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:27,289
So they're there to listen to your story?
55
00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:30,490
- Total delusions of grandeur.
- Completely.
56
00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:32,879
Why would you want to hear my story?
57
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:36,490
Do we know each other?
Do we like each other?
58
00:03:37,350 --> 00:03:39,929
Let me tell you right off, okay?
59
00:03:39,930 --> 00:03:44,519
I'm not a likeable guy.
Charm has never been a priority with me.
60
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:48,859
And just so you know, this is not
the feel-good movie of the year.
61
00:03:48,860 --> 00:03:51,189
So if you're one of those idiots
who needs to feel good,
62
00:03:51,190 --> 00:03:52,949
go get yourself a foot massage.
63
00:03:52,950 --> 00:03:56,600
- Mom, that man's talking to himself!
- Come away, Justin.
64
00:03:57,320 --> 00:04:01,440
What the hell does it all mean anyhow?
Nothing. Zero. Zilch.
65
00:04:01,540 --> 00:04:05,919
Nothing comes to anything, and yet
there's no shortage of idiots to babble.
66
00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:09,339
Not me. I have a vision.
I'm discussing you.
67
00:04:09,340 --> 00:04:13,089
Your friends, your co-workers,
your newspapers, the TV.
68
00:04:13,090 --> 00:04:16,299
Everybody's happy to talk,
full of misinformation.
69
00:04:16,300 --> 00:04:20,139
Morality, science, religion, politics,
sports, love.
70
00:04:20,140 --> 00:04:24,639
Your portfolio, your children, health.
Christ.
71
00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:27,649
If I have to eat nine servings
of fruits and vegetables a day to live,
72
00:04:27,650 --> 00:04:30,769
I don't want to live.
I hate goddamn fruits and vegetables.
73
00:04:30,770 --> 00:04:34,279
And your omega-3's
and the treadmill and the cardiogram
74
00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:36,819
and the mammogram
and the pelvic sonogram
75
00:04:36,820 --> 00:04:39,569
and, oh, my God, the colonoscopy!
76
00:04:39,570 --> 00:04:43,199
And with it all, the day still comes
when they put you in a box
77
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,289
and it's on to the next
generation of idiots
78
00:04:45,290 --> 00:04:50,169
who'll also tell you all about life
and define for you what's appropriate.
79
00:04:50,170 --> 00:04:55,169
My father committed suicide because
the morning newspapers depressed him.
80
00:04:55,170 --> 00:04:56,589
And could you blame him?
81
00:04:56,590 --> 00:04:59,849
With the horror and corruption
and ignorance and poverty
82
00:04:59,850 --> 00:05:03,469
and genocide and AIDS
and global warming and terrorism
83
00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:07,540
and the family-value morons
and the gun morons!
84
00:05:08,190 --> 00:05:12,939
"The horror," Kurtz said at the end
of Heart of Darkness. "The horror."
85
00:05:12,940 --> 00:05:15,981
Lucky Kurtz didn't have the
Times delivered in the jungle,
86
00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:17,319
then he'd see some horror.
87
00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:18,659
But what do you do?
88
00:05:18,660 --> 00:05:20,529
You read about some massacre in Darfur
89
00:05:20,530 --> 00:05:24,949
or some school bus gets blown up,
and you go, "Oh, my God, the horror!"
90
00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:29,579
And then you turn the page and finish
your eggs from free-range chickens.
91
00:05:29,580 --> 00:05:32,820
Because what can you do?
It's overwhelming.
92
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:35,740
I tried to commit suicide myself.
93
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:38,370
Obviously, it didn't work out.
94
00:05:38,430 --> 00:05:42,139
But why do you even want to hear about all
this? Christ, you got your own problems.
95
00:05:42,140 --> 00:05:46,429
I'm sure you're all obsessed with
any number of sad little hopes and dreams.
96
00:05:46,430 --> 00:05:51,189
Your predictably unsatisfying love lives.
Your failed business ventures.
97
00:05:51,190 --> 00:05:53,519
"Oh, if only I'd bought that stock!"
98
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:56,819
"If only I had purchased
that house years ago!"
99
00:05:56,820 --> 00:05:59,069
"If only I had made a move on that woman."
100
00:05:59,070 --> 00:06:01,810
If this, if that. You know what?
101
00:06:01,990 --> 00:06:04,659
Give me a break with your "could haves"
and "should haves."
102
00:06:04,660 --> 00:06:06,289
Like my mother used to say,
103
00:06:06,290 --> 00:06:09,369
"If my grandmother had wheels,
she'd be a trolley car."
104
00:06:09,370 --> 00:06:12,709
My mother didn't have wheels.
She had varicose veins.
105
00:06:12,710 --> 00:06:16,240
Still, the woman gave birth
to a brilliant mind.
106
00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:19,339
I was considered
for a Nobel Prize in physics.
107
00:06:19,340 --> 00:06:20,629
I didn't get it.
108
00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:24,549
But, you know, it's all politics,
just like every other phony honor.
109
00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:29,750
Incidentally, don't think I'm bitter
because of some personal setback.
110
00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:35,300
By the standards of a mindless, barbaric
civilization, I've been pretty lucky.
111
00:06:35,820 --> 00:06:39,029
I was married to a beautiful woman,
who had family money.
112
00:06:39,030 --> 00:06:41,970
For years we lived on Beekman Place.
113
00:06:42,410 --> 00:06:45,350
I taught at Columbia. String theory.
114
00:06:50,500 --> 00:06:52,749
What's the matter, Boris?
115
00:06:52,750 --> 00:06:53,829
I'm dying!
116
00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:55,610
What is it?
117
00:06:56,380 --> 00:06:57,749
I'm dying!
118
00:06:57,750 --> 00:06:59,049
Should I call an ambulance?
119
00:06:59,050 --> 00:07:03,719
No! No, not now! No, not tonight!
I mean, eventually!
120
00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:06,679
- Boris, everybody dies.
- It's unacceptable!
121
00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:10,349
Your panic attacks are getting
more frequent and more intense.
122
00:07:10,350 --> 00:07:12,059
You have to go back on your medicine.
123
00:07:12,060 --> 00:07:14,019
I'm not going back
on my goddamn medicine.
124
00:07:14,020 --> 00:07:15,689
I won't have my mind
befuddled by chemicals
125
00:07:15,690 --> 00:07:18,319
when I'm the only one who sees
the whole picture for exactly what it is.
126
00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:19,399
Where's the goddamn vodka?
127
00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:20,989
Boris, I have clients to see
tomorrow morning.
128
00:07:20,990 --> 00:07:24,449
- It is 4:00 a. m.!
- Clients. Right. Wealthy bankers.
129
00:07:24,450 --> 00:07:28,699
To design their chic apartment, to fill it
full of art and expensive possessions,
130
00:07:28,700 --> 00:07:29,999
so they can flaunt their money
131
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:34,579
and be in the top 1% of this shameful,
violent, prejudiced,
132
00:07:34,580 --> 00:07:38,419
illiterate, sexually repressed,
self-righteous nation!
133
00:07:38,420 --> 00:07:43,299
Christ, it is 4:00 a. m.
Can you spare me this sophomoric tirade!
134
00:07:43,300 --> 00:07:46,969
I'm a man with a huge worldview.
I'm surrounded by microbes!
135
00:07:46,970 --> 00:07:51,670
And what about me? Am I a microbe?
Is our son at Yale a microbe?
136
00:07:51,810 --> 00:07:54,099
Let's face it, Jessica, okay?
137
00:07:54,100 --> 00:07:56,689
Our marriage hasn't
been a garden of roses.
138
00:07:56,690 --> 00:07:59,439
Botanically speaking,
you're more of a Venus flytrap.
139
00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:02,439
You are a very difficult man to live with.
140
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,529
- Is that why you had an affair?
- I didn't have an affair.
141
00:08:04,530 --> 00:08:08,029
It was a brief interlude of infidelity,
and it happened years ago.
142
00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:10,199
You still can't forget it!
143
00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:13,520
I see everything so clearly now.
Everything!
144
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:17,459
- I married you for all the wrong reasons.
- What's that supposed to mean?
145
00:08:17,460 --> 00:08:20,629
You're brilliant. I wanted
someone to talk to.
146
00:08:20,630 --> 00:08:24,589
You loved classical music, you loved art,
you loved literature.
147
00:08:24,590 --> 00:08:26,679
You loved sex! You loved me!
148
00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:28,469
Those sound like pretty
good reasons to me!
149
00:08:28,470 --> 00:08:32,219
Yes! Exactly! That's the problem!
That's the problem!
150
00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:34,889
It was rational, it made sense!
151
00:08:34,890 --> 00:08:36,729
I don't know what went wrong.
152
00:08:36,730 --> 00:08:40,109
When you examine it,
there is so much right about us.
153
00:08:40,110 --> 00:08:42,260
On paper we're ideal.
154
00:08:45,030 --> 00:08:47,390
But life isn't on paper.
155
00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:52,020
Boris? Boris, what are you doing?
156
00:08:52,790 --> 00:08:54,810
Close the window!
157
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:56,610
Boris!
158
00:08:57,170 --> 00:09:01,230
Can you believe I hit the canopy?
I hit the goddamn canopy.
159
00:09:01,420 --> 00:09:05,169
Months in the hospital! Moron doctors!
Look. Look at this limp.
160
00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:07,620
I never had a limp before.
161
00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:11,679
Meanwhile, I divorced Jessica,
moved downtown and gave up.
162
00:09:11,680 --> 00:09:15,750
I eke out a meager living
teaching chess to incompetent zombies.
163
00:09:15,850 --> 00:09:17,189
Checkmate, you little patzer.
164
00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:19,211
Hey! He's only eight years old, Mr.
Yellnikoff.
165
00:09:19,212 --> 00:09:20,809
You're supposed to
be teaching him...
166
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:23,760
He'll be an incompetent idiot at 58.
167
00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:29,260
More important than how I make my living,
is why I bother to live at all.
168
00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:32,239
Nights, I have trouble sleeping
and hang out on Mott Street,
169
00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:35,369
trying to explain to cretins that
while a black man got into the White House
170
00:09:35,370 --> 00:09:37,539
he still can't get a cab in New York.
171
00:09:37,540 --> 00:09:40,879
Almost 100 years
after the abolition of slavery,
172
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,740
a man couldn't play a game of baseball
in the big leagues
173
00:09:43,741 --> 00:09:45,169
if his skin color was black.
174
00:09:45,170 --> 00:09:47,700
You're harping on one point.
175
00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:51,049
Oh, good. Okay, forget blacks. Take Jews.
176
00:09:51,050 --> 00:09:52,179
- What?
- Here we go.
177
00:09:52,180 --> 00:09:55,929
For years they restricted the number
of Jews in schools, medical schools.
178
00:09:55,930 --> 00:10:00,149
In America, as much as they hated blacks,
they hate Jews even more.
179
00:10:00,150 --> 00:10:02,048
Blacks they were scared
had too big a penis.
180
00:10:02,049 --> 00:10:03,859
Jews they hated, even
with little penises.
181
00:10:03,860 --> 00:10:05,279
For God's sake, I'm eating here.
182
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:07,649
You! I've been looking for you.
183
00:10:07,650 --> 00:10:09,359
- I want to talk to you.
- Who are you?
184
00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:12,136
Did you pick up a
chessboard full of pieces
185
00:10:12,137 --> 00:10:14,909
and hit my son with it
at his lesson today?
186
00:10:14,910 --> 00:10:16,619
That idiot's your son?
187
00:10:16,620 --> 00:10:18,789
Do me a favor.
Don't send that cretin to me anymore.
188
00:10:18,790 --> 00:10:20,749
I can't teach an
empty-headed zombie chess.
189
00:10:20,750 --> 00:10:24,749
I'll have you know
that he is a very bright child.
190
00:10:24,750 --> 00:10:28,169
In your opinion. In your opinion.
191
00:10:28,170 --> 00:10:30,589
Which is skewed,
because he's your unfortunate issue.
192
00:10:30,590 --> 00:10:33,049
So you threw a chessboard at him?
193
00:10:33,050 --> 00:10:34,469
I didn't throw it at him.
194
00:10:34,470 --> 00:10:38,179
I picked up the board
and dumped the pieces on his head
195
00:10:38,180 --> 00:10:41,439
as an object lesson
to shake him out of his vegetable torpor.
196
00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:44,109
You wait until my husband gets back
from Florida.
197
00:10:44,110 --> 00:10:48,189
- What's he doing in Florida without you?
- He will punch you in the nose.
198
00:10:48,190 --> 00:10:49,779
Her husband's in Fort Lauderdale.
199
00:10:49,780 --> 00:10:52,739
He's probably hanging out with naked coeds
on spring break.
200
00:10:52,740 --> 00:10:54,449
He tells her it's a business trip.
201
00:10:54,450 --> 00:10:58,520
Your son's an imbecile.
Teach him tiddlywinks, not chess.
202
00:11:02,790 --> 00:11:04,419
You handled that beautifully, Boris.
203
00:11:04,420 --> 00:11:07,339
You know, you should open
the Boris Yellnikoff Charm School.
204
00:11:07,340 --> 00:11:10,089
Let's get out of here. It's late.
I'm tired.
205
00:11:10,090 --> 00:11:11,719
Good night, Boris.
206
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:14,240
What? What are you doing?
207
00:11:15,470 --> 00:11:18,040
Where are you going? That's it?
208
00:11:25,730 --> 00:11:27,399
- Sir?
- Hey! What?
209
00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:31,489
What the hell are you doing?
My God, you scared me. For God's sake!
210
00:11:31,490 --> 00:11:34,739
You creep up on me like that,
you little vagrant. What do you want?
211
00:11:34,740 --> 00:11:36,449
Can you help me get something to eat?
212
00:11:36,450 --> 00:11:39,159
Oh, God, no, I don't carry any money.
Now, come on,
213
00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:41,249
you can tell that to your partner,
wherever he's hiding.
214
00:11:41,250 --> 00:11:43,749
- Please, I'm so hungry!
- Back up! Back up!
215
00:11:43,750 --> 00:11:46,709
I haven't had anything to eat all day.
I think I'm going to faint.
216
00:11:46,710 --> 00:11:48,799
Yeah, listen, I'm wise to that scam,
little girl, okay?
217
00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:50,629
I know about professional beggar school.
218
00:11:50,630 --> 00:11:52,910
Please, I'm desperate.
219
00:11:53,260 --> 00:11:58,910
God, stop that! You look terrible!
What's wrong with you?
220
00:11:59,010 --> 00:12:00,910
Just... All right.
221
00:12:01,270 --> 00:12:03,689
Come up for two minutes. That's it.
And then...
222
00:12:03,690 --> 00:12:06,099
- And then go.
- Thank you!
223
00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:08,840
Two minutes, okay? That's it.
224
00:12:11,900 --> 00:12:15,199
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
225
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:18,829
Happy birthday, dear Boris
Happy birthday to you
226
00:12:18,830 --> 00:12:21,699
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
227
00:12:21,700 --> 00:12:25,360
Happy birthday, dear Boris
Happy birthday to you
228
00:12:25,500 --> 00:12:26,619
Is this your birthday?
229
00:12:26,620 --> 00:12:30,740
You don't know you have to sing
Happy Birthday twice to get the germs off?
230
00:12:31,300 --> 00:12:33,549
You said you were starving.
What do you like?
231
00:12:33,550 --> 00:12:38,469
I like oysters, blackened redfish,
gumbo, crab legs, black-eyed...
232
00:12:38,470 --> 00:12:41,969
Are you nuts? What do you think
I'm running? A Creole restaurant?
233
00:12:41,970 --> 00:12:45,380
- How about a can of sardines?
- Oh, yes, please.
234
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:48,809
Gumbo. So what's your name?
235
00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:51,399
Melody. Melody Celestine.
236
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,569
Melody Celestine.
237
00:12:53,570 --> 00:12:56,149
Melody Saint Anne Celestine.
238
00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:59,810
It's French.
My mama's family was from New Orleans.
239
00:13:00,990 --> 00:13:03,940
I'm from Mississippi, Mr...
240
00:13:06,500 --> 00:13:10,070
Muggeridge. Lionel Muggeridge.
241
00:13:10,170 --> 00:13:12,110
Mr. Muggeridge.
242
00:13:14,590 --> 00:13:18,070
Eden, Mississippi. You ever hear of it?
243
00:13:18,090 --> 00:13:22,500
No, I haven't. Not even the people
who live there have heard of it.
244
00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:25,229
So...
245
00:13:25,230 --> 00:13:27,769
So what are you running away from?
246
00:13:27,770 --> 00:13:29,099
Home.
247
00:13:29,100 --> 00:13:31,269
Could you be more specific, Melanie?
248
00:13:31,270 --> 00:13:34,149
Melody. Melanie was
from Gone with the Wind.
249
00:13:34,150 --> 00:13:37,279
Oh, yeah.
I preferred the one who played Scarlett.
250
00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:40,619
Why? Melanie was the nice one.
She marries Ashley.
251
00:13:40,620 --> 00:13:41,949
Ashley. What an imbecile!
252
00:13:41,950 --> 00:13:43,989
I couldn't stand him,
I couldn't stand his wife,
253
00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:46,829
that goody two-shoes, sexual nothing.
254
00:13:46,830 --> 00:13:52,129
Scarlett, bitch that she was,
with those green eyes...
255
00:13:52,130 --> 00:13:56,049
You know, I came in first dressed
as Scarlett O'Hara in one of the pageants.
256
00:13:56,050 --> 00:13:57,780
Pageant?
257
00:13:58,300 --> 00:14:01,679
My mom always used to keep me busy
in all these beauty contests.
258
00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:04,559
That's why I didn't get to schooling much.
259
00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:07,920
All right, my advice to you, go back home.
260
00:14:08,270 --> 00:14:11,059
Oh, no, I'm never going back home.
261
00:14:11,060 --> 00:14:14,569
You're a brainless little twit
who won't last three days in New York.
262
00:14:14,570 --> 00:14:18,319
You'd be dead now of starvation if I
hadn't a heart as big as all outdoors.
263
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:20,659
I can't go back home, Mr. Muggeridge.
264
00:14:20,660 --> 00:14:23,069
- All right, stop calling me Muggeridge.
- But that's your name.
265
00:14:23,070 --> 00:14:25,409
No, it's not my name.
My name is Boris Yellnikoff.
266
00:14:25,410 --> 00:14:27,331
I was using an alias.
I thought, who knows,
267
00:14:27,332 --> 00:14:29,249
you might be from the
Taliban or something.
268
00:14:29,250 --> 00:14:31,230
Can I stay here?
269
00:14:31,420 --> 00:14:34,900
Stay here? What are you? Nuts?
How old are you?
270
00:14:35,250 --> 00:14:38,240
- I'm 21.
- Twenty-one? Yeah.
271
00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:41,839
You're 21 like I play for the Yankees.
Twenty-one!
272
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:44,219
You're a professional
athlete with that limp?
273
00:14:44,220 --> 00:14:44,993
Oh, Christ!
274
00:14:44,994 --> 00:14:47,309
All right, look,
I don't want to go back.
275
00:14:47,310 --> 00:14:49,429
Okay? I want to make
a new life here in New York.
276
00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:50,791
You'll wind up a prostitute,
277
00:14:50,792 --> 00:14:53,559
like those Asian girls who
come here full of high hopes.
278
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,359
And then they wind up
turning tricks to keep alive.
279
00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:58,399
And many of them
are actually good-looking.
280
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:02,359
That's so funny you just mentioned tricks!
You know, I do magic.
281
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:05,949
I do. I can show you. I just need...
Do you have any silk handkerchiefs?
282
00:15:05,950 --> 00:15:09,119
Yeah, you know, some other time, you're...
283
00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:14,440
Look, you're a sweet kid.
Stupid beyond all comprehension,
284
00:15:14,540 --> 00:15:19,379
but you'll never survive here. You got
nothing going for you. Zero. Zilch.
285
00:15:19,380 --> 00:15:22,469
You know, you may be beauty contest
material in the Deep South,
286
00:15:22,470 --> 00:15:25,429
but this is the big time.
Here, you're a three.
287
00:15:25,430 --> 00:15:28,500
A five maybe after you bathe.
288
00:15:29,310 --> 00:15:31,599
Did you get that limp
playing for the Yankees?
289
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:33,729
Imbecile child. Brainless inchworm.
290
00:15:33,730 --> 00:15:37,399
I didn't play for the Yankees!
I was being sarcastic before.
291
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:42,470
- Oh, you... I took it seriously.
- Yes.
292
00:15:42,570 --> 00:15:46,989
I usually get jokes. At the church's
social, I was the comedian twice.
293
00:15:46,990 --> 00:15:48,739
- I've a way with jokes. Yes.
- Really?
294
00:15:48,740 --> 00:15:51,329
- Spare me and just get out.
- No, Mr. Muggeridge...
295
00:15:51,330 --> 00:15:53,959
Stop calling me Muggeridge, okay?
I already explained that!
296
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:56,520
I know, I know. I'm sorry. I just...
297
00:15:57,250 --> 00:16:01,259
I just need a place to stay for a
few nights, till I get on my feet.
298
00:16:01,260 --> 00:16:03,950
I don't have anywhere to go.
299
00:16:04,590 --> 00:16:08,429
And if you throw me out
and I wind up an Asian prostitute,
300
00:16:08,430 --> 00:16:11,330
that's gonna be on your conscience.
301
00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:15,895
I give up. Sleep on the
couch, imbecile.
302
00:16:15,896 --> 00:16:18,109
I'm too tired to prolong
this brutal exchange
303
00:16:18,110 --> 00:16:22,050
between a bedraggled microbe
and a Nobel-level thinker.
304
00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:24,899
- Keep out of my way.
- I will, I promise.
305
00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:26,949
I'm just gonna use the little girl's
to freshen up,
306
00:16:26,950 --> 00:16:28,279
and then I'm gonna go right to sleep.
307
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:33,449
Yes, yes, use the little girl's. Freshen
up. Don't forget to tip the attendant.
308
00:16:33,450 --> 00:16:36,789
- I won't. Thank you so much, Mr...
- Oh, what?
309
00:16:36,790 --> 00:16:38,459
- You were going to say Muggeridge again?
- No!
310
00:16:38,460 --> 00:16:41,379
It's Boris Yellnikoff!
You call me Muggeridge one more time,
311
00:16:41,380 --> 00:16:43,969
I'm gonna throw you
out the goddamn window.
312
00:16:43,970 --> 00:16:46,879
- Do you mind if I watch a little TV?
- Yes, I do, simpleton.
313
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:49,219
I just like to turn
some on at night to unwind.
314
00:16:49,220 --> 00:16:52,671
Yeah. You touch that dial,
I'll unwind your head with my bare hands.
315
00:16:52,672 --> 00:16:54,121
How about that?
316
00:16:57,060 --> 00:16:58,269
- Did you hear about Boris?
- What?
317
00:16:58,270 --> 00:17:00,899
I tried to call him yesterday
and a woman answered the phone.
318
00:17:00,900 --> 00:17:01,979
No! Who is she?
319
00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:03,899
He got conned into
letting some little runaway
320
00:17:03,900 --> 00:17:06,779
bed down in his apartment while she
looks for a job and gets settled.
321
00:17:06,780 --> 00:17:08,449
Apparently she's never been
to New York before
322
00:17:08,450 --> 00:17:10,829
and she's asked him
if he would show her around.
323
00:17:10,830 --> 00:17:12,539
- Boris is going to be sightseeing?
- Yeah.
324
00:17:12,540 --> 00:17:13,869
- Not a chance.
- No way.
325
00:17:13,870 --> 00:17:15,480
No way.
326
00:17:16,330 --> 00:17:20,669
My whole life I've lived in New York,
I never wanted to go to Grant's Tomb.
327
00:17:20,670 --> 00:17:22,940
- Now I know why.
- Why?
328
00:17:23,090 --> 00:17:25,910
I should never go to a tomb, ever.
329
00:17:26,340 --> 00:17:28,299
My mom brought me up to believe that
330
00:17:28,300 --> 00:17:31,599
the good Lord has a plan
that we're all a part of.
331
00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:35,620
- He has His eye on the sparrow.
- Yeah, I pity the sparrow.
332
00:17:36,270 --> 00:17:39,599
I'm not getting into heaven, though.
I sinned.
333
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:42,519
You? You're kidding. You sinned?
334
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:44,779
I made love before I was married.
335
00:17:44,780 --> 00:17:45,899
Oh, my God.
336
00:17:45,900 --> 00:17:50,430
Plenty of my friends have, but in
my house, that's just unforgivable.
337
00:17:50,530 --> 00:17:51,949
I just couldn't resist Bobby Klaxon.
338
00:17:51,950 --> 00:17:54,119
All right, okay,
spare me the details, all right.
339
00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:56,869
No, it was really beautiful!
I mean, he was just
340
00:17:56,870 --> 00:17:59,959
this pretty boy guitar player
in this amazing rock band.
341
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:02,379
I mean, if you think you're a genius,
he can double on the drums.
342
00:18:02,380 --> 00:18:05,200
- No! Doubles on drums?
- Yeah.
343
00:18:05,460 --> 00:18:09,120
All the girls had a crush on him,
but he liked me.
344
00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:11,839
He was so sweet and sensitive,
345
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:14,389
and he caught the biggest catfish
in Plaquemines County.
346
00:18:14,390 --> 00:18:16,559
I wondered who caught that catfish.
347
00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:19,689
Hey, you know, my mom always told me
that it was gonna hurt the first time,
348
00:18:19,690 --> 00:18:20,979
you know, she said it was, you know,
349
00:18:20,980 --> 00:18:25,720
it's a woman's duty to just lie down,
bear it and...
350
00:18:25,730 --> 00:18:29,149
You know, she said there were a lot of
perversions involved, and that, you know,
351
00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:30,659
it's God's will, you shouldn't do it
352
00:18:30,660 --> 00:18:33,869
unless you were married
and you planned to have kids and...
353
00:18:33,870 --> 00:18:36,579
She said it could be dangerous,
but I just felt like it was
354
00:18:36,580 --> 00:18:41,110
the most natural thing in the world.
You know, it just felt right.
355
00:18:41,170 --> 00:18:45,940
And all the little extras were just fun.
It wasn't complicated at all.
356
00:18:46,130 --> 00:18:51,009
And I think Bobby really liked it, because
he was going to dump his Betty Jo Cleary,
357
00:18:51,010 --> 00:18:55,259
this girl he was going steady with.
But I wouldn't, I wouldn't hear of it.
358
00:18:55,260 --> 00:18:57,787
It was just what it
was, you know, it was a
359
00:18:57,788 --> 00:19:00,671
nice moment behind the
tent at the fish fry.
360
00:19:01,190 --> 00:19:04,229
That is the most disgusting story
I've ever heard.
361
00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:06,810
You and this
adenoidal guitar player
362
00:19:06,811 --> 00:19:09,631
slaking your lust at some
barbaric social function.
363
00:19:09,780 --> 00:19:11,359
You don't like to make love?
364
00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:13,760
No, I do not. No.
365
00:19:13,870 --> 00:19:15,810
That's crazy!
366
00:19:17,540 --> 00:19:19,449
Boris, do you want to
be buried or cremated?
367
00:19:19,450 --> 00:19:21,289
All right, I really don't want to
talk about that. Okay?
368
00:19:21,290 --> 00:19:23,959
- I think I want to be cremated.
- All right, will you shut up, cretin?
369
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:25,690
There's no worms.
370
00:19:27,210 --> 00:19:29,459
- What is this?
- A knish.
371
00:19:29,460 --> 00:19:30,919
And what's it made of?
372
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:33,129
I've been eating these things for years,
they're delicious.
373
00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:34,259
I don't know what's in them.
374
00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:37,469
I don't want to know what's in them.
Don't even talk about it!
375
00:19:37,470 --> 00:19:41,710
- Oh, my God! The horror! The horror!
- Boris!
376
00:19:41,850 --> 00:19:45,479
- Are you all right? What happened?
- No, I'm not all right.
377
00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:47,899
- Are you sick?
- No.
378
00:19:47,900 --> 00:19:49,529
Did you have a bad dream?
379
00:19:49,530 --> 00:19:51,359
Yeah, it was terrible.
380
00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:54,430
- Come here. It's okay.
- Oh, I can't...
381
00:19:54,910 --> 00:19:56,739
Oh, baby, you're sweating. Come sit down.
382
00:19:56,740 --> 00:19:58,659
Night sweats. I get them.
383
00:19:58,660 --> 00:20:01,829
I used to think it was AIDS, but it's just
that I have a morbid fear of the dark
384
00:20:01,830 --> 00:20:05,520
- and you turned my night-light off!
- Oh, I'm sorry.
385
00:20:05,750 --> 00:20:08,209
Does your stomach hurt?
Could it be the kwish?
386
00:20:08,210 --> 00:20:10,400
Knish! Not kwish.
387
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:14,679
Well, here, I'll put something on TV.
388
00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:18,750
- I saw the abyss.
- Don't worry, we'll watch something else.
389
00:20:26,770 --> 00:20:28,960
- Oh, this is...
- Yeah.
390
00:20:29,020 --> 00:20:32,090
Fred Astaire. Yeah.
391
00:20:32,610 --> 00:20:34,430
Leave that.
392
00:20:35,450 --> 00:20:37,720
That's good. Leave that.
393
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:49,249
There, that's it, okay?
Can we get the hell out of here?
394
00:20:49,250 --> 00:20:53,049
Oh, my God, that's it!
It's the actual one!
395
00:20:53,050 --> 00:20:55,740
I've only seen it in pictures!
396
00:20:55,800 --> 00:20:59,719
"Bring me your tired,
your poor, your huddled masses..."
397
00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:02,059
I'm surprised you know
that, terrible as it is.
398
00:21:02,060 --> 00:21:05,694
I closed with it for the Miss
Greenwood, Mississippi pageant.
399
00:21:05,695 --> 00:21:07,099
I think it's so moving.
400
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:09,559
But the huddled masses were
never welcomed with open arms.
401
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:13,569
Soon as they came over, each ethnic group
was met with violence and hostility.
402
00:21:13,570 --> 00:21:16,359
Each one had to claw and fight its way in.
403
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:19,369
People always hated foreigners.
It's the American way.
404
00:21:19,370 --> 00:21:23,119
Our pageants like to focus
on the positive things about America.
405
00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:27,369
Yeah. The blacks were kidnapped
from Africa! Chained in ships!
406
00:21:27,370 --> 00:21:29,459
My daddy says that
America bends over backwards
407
00:21:29,460 --> 00:21:31,669
for the blacks because we feel guilty,
and it's crazy.
408
00:21:31,670 --> 00:21:36,910
Oh, yeah, your daddy. Your daddy's
a cracker. He's a bigot moron. Your daddy!
409
00:21:37,050 --> 00:21:39,929
Well, you're probably right,
'cause you're a genius,
410
00:21:39,930 --> 00:21:44,500
but for a little Mississippi girl like me,
this is really exciting!
411
00:21:44,890 --> 00:21:47,790
So what kind of genius are you, anyway?
412
00:21:47,810 --> 00:21:51,170
- What kind?
- Yeah, what are you genius at?
413
00:21:52,310 --> 00:21:53,979
Quantum mechanics.
414
00:21:53,980 --> 00:21:56,800
Yeah, but what field? Like, music?
415
00:21:57,780 --> 00:22:02,319
When you see kids tossing a ball, does
it ever make you miss spring training?
416
00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:07,079
All right, I've never played for the
Yankees. Do you understand that?
417
00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:12,190
I have never played any sports
whatsoever in my life! Okay? Ever!
418
00:22:12,500 --> 00:22:15,669
Joe, Leo, you gotta help me out.
I can't take it anymore.
419
00:22:15,670 --> 00:22:16,434
Just kick her out.
420
00:22:16,435 --> 00:22:18,469
Can you believe it's
been a month already?
421
00:22:18,470 --> 00:22:21,179
- A whole month? God, time flies.
- Well put.
422
00:22:21,180 --> 00:22:22,799
Well, at least is she pretty?
423
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:25,009
- She's won some beauty contests.
- No.
424
00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:27,679
Tall? Short? Blonde? Describe her.
425
00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:31,920
Well, she's blonde. Nice height.
Nice eyes.
426
00:22:32,020 --> 00:22:34,769
Didn't quite realize
how blue they were that first night.
427
00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:39,489
Her face is a little more symmetrical
than I had originally conceived.
428
00:22:39,490 --> 00:22:43,029
She's not a ten. In a pinch, six.
429
00:22:43,030 --> 00:22:46,850
- Good in bed?
- How would I know? I just want her out.
430
00:22:48,870 --> 00:22:51,169
- Can I ask you to dance with me?
- It's too crowded.
431
00:22:51,170 --> 00:22:53,209
I don't mean now. In a few minutes,
432
00:22:53,210 --> 00:22:55,799
the dance will be over
and everyone will go home.
433
00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:57,549
Well, the band will go home, too.
434
00:22:57,550 --> 00:23:01,719
Why, there'll just be the two of us left,
and we can imagine the music.
435
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:04,259
We can pretend
there's a big orchestra of violins
436
00:23:04,260 --> 00:23:07,580
and they're playing just
for us as we dance.
437
00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:11,139
You know, it's been proven
television eats away the brain.
438
00:23:11,140 --> 00:23:14,359
Oh, hi! Shoot, I was gonna surprise you!
439
00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:16,019
What? What's all this?
440
00:23:16,020 --> 00:23:17,779
I'm making you a special dinner.
441
00:23:17,780 --> 00:23:19,189
- Really? For me?
- Yeah.
442
00:23:19,190 --> 00:23:21,359
And me, 'cause we're celebrating.
443
00:23:21,360 --> 00:23:24,100
We are? What is it?
444
00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:27,449
- Crawfish! I found some at the market.
- Jesus. It's stinking up the whole house!
445
00:23:27,450 --> 00:23:29,289
No, they're so good. You'll love them.
446
00:23:29,290 --> 00:23:33,459
Listen, Melody, seriously,
we have to talk.
447
00:23:33,460 --> 00:23:36,039
Oh, yeah. I know. We'll talk over dinner.
It's almost done.
448
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:39,589
Melody, you're a very nice young woman.
Really, very nice.
449
00:23:39,590 --> 00:23:42,049
You have a lot of nice attributes,
450
00:23:42,050 --> 00:23:46,469
but, you know, you just can't
continue to stay here ad infinitum.
451
00:23:46,470 --> 00:23:49,639
Yeah, yeah, but that's my news.
Guess what?
452
00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:52,960
I got a job! I can start paying you rent.
453
00:23:53,270 --> 00:23:56,019
Rent? I don't want you to pay me rent!
454
00:23:56,020 --> 00:23:59,019
I want my life back. What kind of job?
455
00:23:59,020 --> 00:24:02,239
I start tomorrow as a dog walker.
456
00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:05,449
A dog walker? Oh, my God. Seriously...
457
00:24:05,450 --> 00:24:09,159
Melody, don't you think you should
go back home and finish high school,
458
00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:11,329
maybe even go to college?
459
00:24:11,330 --> 00:24:14,079
I thought the other night
you were talking about how America has
460
00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:16,789
one of the worst education systems
in the Old West.
461
00:24:16,790 --> 00:24:19,339
- No, no, the Western world.
- Yeah, right, exactly,
462
00:24:19,340 --> 00:24:23,530
and how most colleges just turn out
mindless zombie morons.
463
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:27,580
You could benefit from classes.
464
00:24:28,180 --> 00:24:30,870
I think the crawfish are ready.
465
00:24:31,310 --> 00:24:33,370
What is that song?
466
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:43,569
They played that song the first time
I went out with Jessica.
467
00:24:43,570 --> 00:24:46,680
- Where did you go?
- We went to a dance.
468
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:50,730
We were both students
at the University of Chicago.
469
00:24:51,330 --> 00:24:54,400
She had a high IQ and a low-cut dress.
470
00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:58,959
Boy, they really don't write them
like they used to.
471
00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:01,150
Oh! That's a clichรฉ.
472
00:25:01,460 --> 00:25:03,799
Good, Melody. You caught it.
473
00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:07,009
Well, you always get so mad
when I do them.
474
00:25:07,010 --> 00:25:10,219
Yeah, I shouldn't really.
Sometimes a clichรฉ
475
00:25:10,220 --> 00:25:13,210
is finally the best way
to make one's point.
476
00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:16,380
Boris,
477
00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:22,470
what would you say if I was to say
478
00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:26,720
that I was developing a
little crush on you?
479
00:25:28,110 --> 00:25:30,680
- I'd say don't.
- Why?
480
00:25:31,990 --> 00:25:37,400
Because anything deeper, more significant
between us, is out of the question.
481
00:25:37,710 --> 00:25:38,789
Because why?
482
00:25:38,790 --> 00:25:43,490
Because it's too preposterous
to even dignify with an answer.
483
00:25:43,750 --> 00:25:45,320
It is?
484
00:25:46,220 --> 00:25:48,379
Every single thing is against it.
485
00:25:48,380 --> 00:25:51,719
Our ages, our backgrounds,
our brains, our interests.
486
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:56,269
Not to mention, I have no desire to have
a relationship with a woman, any woman,
487
00:25:56,270 --> 00:25:59,899
nor any urge to make love,
nor any desire to be anything
488
00:25:59,900 --> 00:26:02,460
but isolated from the world.
489
00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:05,689
And, you know, you're a beautiful girl
490
00:26:05,690 --> 00:26:09,970
who should be meeting normal healthy men
and going out.
491
00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:14,140
Yeah, but I don't like normal healthy men.
492
00:26:14,990 --> 00:26:16,770
I like you.
493
00:26:17,250 --> 00:26:23,539
I... You're hallucinating!
I'm sure you'll make some man very happy
494
00:26:23,540 --> 00:26:27,950
at a fish fry or a dog fight
or however you people spend time.
495
00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:31,389
You really think I'm beautiful?
496
00:26:31,390 --> 00:26:35,620
I admit I didn't give you your
full due at first, physically.
497
00:26:35,850 --> 00:26:38,729
However, as only a great mind can do,
498
00:26:38,730 --> 00:26:41,710
I've reassessed my
499
00:26:42,100 --> 00:26:45,760
position, and changed my mind.
500
00:26:46,610 --> 00:26:49,970
So you could never think of marrying me?
501
00:26:50,610 --> 00:26:52,529
Have you lost your mind?
502
00:26:52,530 --> 00:26:55,579
Why on Earth would you even
fantasize about such a thing?
503
00:26:55,580 --> 00:26:59,409
What could I offer you,
but a bad temper, hypochondriasis,
504
00:26:59,410 --> 00:27:03,980
morbid fixations,
reclusive rages and misanthropy?
505
00:27:04,290 --> 00:27:05,919
And what could you offer me?
506
00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:09,660
A character out of Faulkner,
not unlike Benjy.
507
00:27:10,340 --> 00:27:13,160
The answer to your question is no.
508
00:27:13,300 --> 00:27:18,000
I think you should stay here for a while,
accumulate some money,
509
00:27:18,430 --> 00:27:22,139
and then find a place of your own,
and move on with your life.
510
00:27:22,140 --> 00:27:24,399
Well, what about your life?
511
00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:27,689
Let me teach you
something about love. Okay?
512
00:27:27,690 --> 00:27:29,939
Naturally, there are exceptions
to what I'm going to say,
513
00:27:29,940 --> 00:27:32,739
but they're the exception, not the rule.
514
00:27:32,740 --> 00:27:36,470
Love, despite what they tell you,
515
00:27:36,990 --> 00:27:40,850
does not conquer all.
Nor does it even usually last.
516
00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:44,730
In the end,
the romantic aspirations of our youth
517
00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:47,030
are reduced to
518
00:27:47,250 --> 00:27:49,820
whatever works. Okay?
519
00:27:51,170 --> 00:27:55,030
Why do I think
your bark is worse than your bite?
520
00:27:55,140 --> 00:27:56,259
Clichรฉ, Melody.
521
00:27:56,260 --> 00:28:01,120
Oh, I don't care! If the shoe fits,
wear it, and that's another one.
522
00:28:11,860 --> 00:28:14,470
We need to talk for a minute.
523
00:28:15,530 --> 00:28:19,770
Can you believe this little inchworm
setting her sights on me?
524
00:28:20,540 --> 00:28:26,400
Yes, yes, we had some pleasant moments.
Some dinners, some walks in the park.
525
00:28:26,500 --> 00:28:29,999
I gave her the benefit
of my vast knowledge and experience.
526
00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:33,549
Tried to impart to her the perceptions
and values
527
00:28:33,550 --> 00:28:36,080
of a truly original mentality.
528
00:28:36,550 --> 00:28:39,509
I only wish I could do a Pygmalion on her.
529
00:28:39,510 --> 00:28:44,229
But if Henry Higgins ever tried to
transform Melody Saint Anne Celestine,
530
00:28:44,230 --> 00:28:47,460
he, too, would have jumped out the window.
531
00:29:05,460 --> 00:29:06,669
Come on.
532
00:29:06,670 --> 00:29:08,579
- Oh, boy! New friends.
- I'm sorry.
533
00:29:08,580 --> 00:29:10,209
Oh, yeah. They like each other.
534
00:29:10,210 --> 00:29:12,589
It's okay. I rather like dogs.
535
00:29:12,590 --> 00:29:16,379
Well, I'm more of a cat person, myself.
I just do this professionally. Sorry.
536
00:29:16,380 --> 00:29:18,889
I never met a professional dog walker.
537
00:29:18,890 --> 00:29:22,719
Really? It's not really
the career that I want, but...
538
00:29:22,720 --> 00:29:24,599
What do you want to do?
539
00:29:24,600 --> 00:29:27,000
I'd like to work with children.
540
00:29:27,100 --> 00:29:29,609
You're very pretty, you know that?
541
00:29:29,610 --> 00:29:32,800
- Shut up! Thank you.
- Can I ask your name?
542
00:29:33,030 --> 00:29:36,399
It's Melody. Melody Saint Anne Celestine.
543
00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:40,069
What a beautiful name!
Mine's Perry Singleton.
544
00:29:40,070 --> 00:29:41,779
- It's nice to meet you.
- Yes, nice to meet you.
545
00:29:41,780 --> 00:29:44,230
May I walk along with you?
546
00:29:44,540 --> 00:29:48,249
I don't see why not, you know,
since we're all doomed anyway.
547
00:29:48,250 --> 00:29:51,570
- Pardon me?
- Well, you know, everything ends.
548
00:29:51,840 --> 00:29:53,799
I don't think I follow.
549
00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:58,620
Well, you know, it's like the cosmos,
or eternity.
550
00:29:59,010 --> 00:30:02,490
Whichever's bigger.
I just know that we're all flying apart.
551
00:30:03,470 --> 00:30:06,309
What is that? What is that?
Is that a move?
552
00:30:06,310 --> 00:30:07,639
Well, I thought your bishop was...
553
00:30:07,640 --> 00:30:10,229
My bishop what? What?
You patzer, you earthworm!
554
00:30:10,230 --> 00:30:13,319
How many times do I have to tell you?
You don't take that pawn.
555
00:30:13,320 --> 00:30:15,359
That's called the poisoned pawn,
because look!
556
00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:17,800
- Boris!
- Look what happens!
557
00:30:17,820 --> 00:30:19,149
- Sorry, Mr. Yellnikoff.
- Yeah, you're sorry,
558
00:30:19,150 --> 00:30:21,279
you're sorry. Use your head
next time, you won't be sorry!
559
00:30:21,280 --> 00:30:23,409
- Boris!
- Yeah. Do your homework next week.
560
00:30:23,410 --> 00:30:25,289
Don't waste my time.
561
00:30:25,290 --> 00:30:27,079
- Hey!
- Poisoned!
562
00:30:27,080 --> 00:30:30,329
I got off work early today and I thought
maybe we could walk home together.
563
00:30:30,330 --> 00:30:32,629
Maybe I can make black-eyed peas
and crab cakes for dinner.
564
00:30:32,630 --> 00:30:34,799
- No, I'm not hungry.
- What's the matter?
565
00:30:34,800 --> 00:30:38,129
- My ulcer's been killing me all day.
- I thought you didn't have an ulcer.
566
00:30:38,130 --> 00:30:40,679
No, I said they can't find an ulcer,
not that I don't have one.
567
00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:42,799
Those malpractice medical mental midgets.
568
00:30:42,800 --> 00:30:45,639
They drop that endoscope down my throat
and probe me like coal miners,
569
00:30:45,640 --> 00:30:48,139
and they always come up with nothing!
570
00:30:48,140 --> 00:30:50,099
Well, guess what happened today?
571
00:30:50,100 --> 00:30:54,840
I got to talking to this boy on the job,
and he asked me out on a date.
572
00:30:55,690 --> 00:30:57,359
Really?
573
00:30:57,360 --> 00:30:59,739
I could tell he liked me right off
574
00:30:59,740 --> 00:31:03,449
and we went and had coffee
and just had, you know, funny banter.
575
00:31:03,450 --> 00:31:05,409
You know what banter is,
it's like flirty talk.
576
00:31:05,410 --> 00:31:07,699
Yeah, yeah, I'm familiar with banter.
577
00:31:07,700 --> 00:31:10,539
Yeah, so, anyway,
he asked if I had a boyfriend.
578
00:31:10,540 --> 00:31:14,940
I said, "Not really." He said,
"I'll pick you up Friday at 8:00."
579
00:31:15,250 --> 00:31:17,070
What do you think?
580
00:31:17,170 --> 00:31:22,679
Great. I just hope he's not a Ted Bundy,
you know.
581
00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:24,410
A who?
582
00:31:24,510 --> 00:31:26,679
You have to keep an eye out
for serial killers.
583
00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:30,229
He's not a serial killer.
At least he didn't mention it.
584
00:31:30,230 --> 00:31:32,019
Yeah, well, you have to be careful.
585
00:31:32,020 --> 00:31:34,689
Sometimes they put you in the trunk
of a car and you can't breathe.
586
00:31:34,690 --> 00:31:36,649
I'm not... I'm serious.
587
00:31:36,650 --> 00:31:40,130
I told him your theory
about capital punishment.
588
00:31:40,650 --> 00:31:42,029
What did you say?
589
00:31:42,030 --> 00:31:46,159
That it should include people
that don't pick up after their dogs,
590
00:31:46,160 --> 00:31:48,692
people who ride their
bikes on the sidewalk,
591
00:31:48,693 --> 00:31:50,829
people who call
mothers "moms" and...
592
00:31:50,830 --> 00:31:54,150
I can't remember them
all, you have so many.
593
00:31:59,630 --> 00:32:02,070
- How do I look?
- Subnormal.
594
00:32:02,420 --> 00:32:04,339
Why? What's wrong?
595
00:32:04,340 --> 00:32:06,049
That's an awfully aggressive ensemble.
596
00:32:06,050 --> 00:32:08,719
You looking to wind up
in an abortion clinic?
597
00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:10,219
I want to look nice.
598
00:32:10,220 --> 00:32:13,183
Just kind of give him an idea of
what he might be in for
599
00:32:13,184 --> 00:32:14,689
if he plays his cards right.
600
00:32:14,690 --> 00:32:17,210
Oh, yeah? What's he in for?
601
00:32:17,360 --> 00:32:19,569
All the stuff with a
woman that you reject,
602
00:32:19,570 --> 00:32:22,149
because you're a genius
and you're above it all.
603
00:32:22,150 --> 00:32:24,199
But I happen to be pretty sharp, too,
604
00:32:24,200 --> 00:32:27,239
and I have a natural talent
in the field of fooling around.
605
00:32:27,240 --> 00:32:29,529
Yeah, well, I just hope
you're saving your money
606
00:32:29,530 --> 00:32:32,699
so you can move out quickly, you know,
now that you're working.
607
00:32:32,700 --> 00:32:33,318
Hi, Perry!
608
00:32:33,319 --> 00:32:35,169
Hey. Sorry I'm late. I
got stuck on the train.
609
00:32:35,170 --> 00:32:37,610
No, it's fine. Come on in.
610
00:32:38,670 --> 00:32:39,749
This is Perry.
611
00:32:39,750 --> 00:32:43,490
Hi. Your daughter is very lovely,
Mr. Celestine.
612
00:32:44,130 --> 00:32:46,030
I'm not her father.
613
00:32:46,890 --> 00:32:48,099
Grandfather?
614
00:32:48,100 --> 00:32:51,160
Perry, I told you I was
staying with a friend.
615
00:32:51,560 --> 00:32:53,389
So what do you do, Perry?
616
00:32:53,390 --> 00:32:57,670
He's studying.
Investments and investing things.
617
00:32:58,480 --> 00:33:00,260
You got any
618
00:33:01,570 --> 00:33:03,300
identification?
619
00:33:04,030 --> 00:33:04,869
Pardon me?
620
00:33:04,870 --> 00:33:07,682
You know,
driver's license, birth certificate.
621
00:33:08,490 --> 00:33:12,730
No, sir. I never carry around
my birth certificate. Why would I?
622
00:33:13,910 --> 00:33:17,289
Be careful,
Bundy sometimes posed as a banker.
623
00:33:17,290 --> 00:33:21,360
I'm just gonna go finish getting ready.
I'll be right back.
624
00:33:26,470 --> 00:33:29,700
Melody tells me you're
a very brilliant man.
625
00:33:30,180 --> 00:33:32,259
If an IQ of 200 is brilliant.
626
00:33:32,260 --> 00:33:36,540
She explained to me your theory
about life being meaningless.
627
00:33:37,060 --> 00:33:39,399
Don't let it spoil your evening.
628
00:33:39,400 --> 00:33:42,130
- Okay, let's go, Perry.
- Okay.
629
00:33:42,360 --> 00:33:44,189
Hey! Come here.
630
00:33:44,190 --> 00:33:47,029
- Don't give him any information about me.
- Like what?
631
00:33:47,030 --> 00:33:50,489
You know, dates, credit card numbers,
blood type, things like that.
632
00:33:50,490 --> 00:33:52,199
Goodbye, Boris.
633
00:33:52,200 --> 00:33:55,499
Oh, and hey, if I'm not here
when you get back, don't worry.
634
00:33:55,500 --> 00:33:57,869
Oh? Where are you going?
635
00:33:57,870 --> 00:34:00,129
- Out.
- Okay, fine.
636
00:34:00,130 --> 00:34:02,900
- Yeah, I have friends, too.
- Okay. Yeah.
637
00:34:09,180 --> 00:34:10,889
I even heard the opening's
supposed to be good.
638
00:34:10,890 --> 00:34:13,429
Yeah, they are. Have you seen them before?
639
00:34:13,430 --> 00:34:16,870
No, no. This is my first
concert in New York.
640
00:34:16,890 --> 00:34:18,960
You didn't tell me that.
641
00:34:20,400 --> 00:34:24,519
Get the hell out of here. In America,
they have summer camps for everything.
642
00:34:24,520 --> 00:34:27,069
Rich kids, basketball camp, magic camp.
643
00:34:27,070 --> 00:34:30,600
- Tennis camp.
- Tennis camp. Movie director camp!
644
00:34:30,990 --> 00:34:33,409
They should have a concentration camp.
645
00:34:33,410 --> 00:34:36,079
Two weeks mandatory
for all kids growing up,
646
00:34:36,080 --> 00:34:40,209
so they would finally understand
what the human race is capable of.
647
00:34:40,210 --> 00:34:43,379
Brilliant! Except who'd send their kid
to a concentration camp?
648
00:34:43,380 --> 00:34:47,459
A responsible parent
who wants their child to grasp reality.
649
00:34:47,460 --> 00:34:50,364
All right, all right, all right,
let's change the subject.
650
00:34:50,365 --> 00:34:51,839
Meanwhile, Harry Lawson died.
651
00:34:51,840 --> 00:34:52,969
- Harry Lawson?
- Yeah, I heard.
652
00:34:52,970 --> 00:34:55,559
- Yeah. Just celebrated his 51st birthday.
- Really?
653
00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:58,929
- What a great chemist.
- But he was a smoker.
654
00:34:58,930 --> 00:35:03,059
A smoker. The minute a person dies,
he's a smoker or overweight.
655
00:35:03,060 --> 00:35:06,439
Hey, I got news for you,
thin non-smokers die, too. Okay?
656
00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:08,439
Abstinence isn't going to save you.
657
00:35:08,440 --> 00:35:09,739
You're pleasant tonight.
658
00:35:09,740 --> 00:35:12,409
- What are you talking about?
- Where's Melody tonight?
659
00:35:12,410 --> 00:35:16,369
She's out listening to some
eardrum-busting bilge posing as music.
660
00:35:16,370 --> 00:35:18,079
I thought you were going to kick her out.
661
00:35:18,080 --> 00:35:21,860
Well, hopefully this guy tonight
will take her off my hands.
662
00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:26,280
You know, why not? I mean, she's pretty.
663
00:35:27,550 --> 00:35:29,419
Now she's pretty?
664
00:35:29,420 --> 00:35:32,969
What? I'm just saying she's not
atrocious-looking. That's all.
665
00:35:32,970 --> 00:35:36,040
I'd say a seven or eight.
666
00:35:40,930 --> 00:35:42,790
Anybody here?
667
00:36:51,300 --> 00:36:54,240
- Oh, you're up!
- Yeah, I just got in.
668
00:36:56,010 --> 00:36:57,799
And what did you do?
669
00:36:57,800 --> 00:37:01,219
I went dancing at a Latin club.
It was limbo night.
670
00:37:01,220 --> 00:37:03,019
Shut up!
671
00:37:03,020 --> 00:37:05,019
You were talking about people
672
00:37:05,020 --> 00:37:08,880
and politics and all that stuff
you guys like to hate.
673
00:37:08,900 --> 00:37:10,689
How was your date?
674
00:37:10,690 --> 00:37:14,569
- It was a big washout! Yeah.
- Really?
675
00:37:14,570 --> 00:37:17,909
This particular rock band wasn't any good?
I don't know how you can differentiate?
676
00:37:17,910 --> 00:37:20,810
No! No, the music was fine.
677
00:37:21,030 --> 00:37:24,940
- Just that guy and his friends! I just...
- What?
678
00:37:25,160 --> 00:37:29,900
Well, his taste! He just...
He likes everything.
679
00:37:30,090 --> 00:37:34,240
Life, love, human beings!
680
00:37:35,510 --> 00:37:40,080
And the couple that we double-dated with,
they were just protons!
681
00:37:40,300 --> 00:37:43,710
- Protons?
- Do I mean protons?
682
00:37:44,100 --> 00:37:45,750
Cretins!
683
00:37:45,930 --> 00:37:47,485
Cretins, that's what I mean.
684
00:37:47,486 --> 00:37:51,171
Yeah, they didn't know the first
thing about string theory.
685
00:37:51,650 --> 00:37:54,220
I think you're a little drunk.
686
00:37:54,780 --> 00:37:57,140
I did have a few drinks.
687
00:37:57,200 --> 00:38:00,930
But can you blame me?
Hanging out with those inchworms?
688
00:38:01,410 --> 00:38:05,940
I mean, they actually think that
love is the answer to everything.
689
00:38:08,750 --> 00:38:12,150
I told them about Jethro Paige
from back home.
690
00:38:12,290 --> 00:38:17,070
He got caught doing it with a sheep.
Making love with a sheep.
691
00:38:17,090 --> 00:38:20,089
And they were all laughing and everything,
692
00:38:20,090 --> 00:38:23,219
but I just looked at
them and said, "Folks,
693
00:38:23,220 --> 00:38:27,080
"as Boris would say, whatever works."
694
00:38:30,600 --> 00:38:33,840
- What are you looking at?
- Unbelievable.
695
00:38:35,860 --> 00:38:40,510
The chance factor in
life is mind-boggling.
696
00:38:42,200 --> 00:38:44,390
You entered the world
697
00:38:44,830 --> 00:38:46,850
by a random event
698
00:38:47,500 --> 00:38:50,230
somewhere along the Mississippi.
699
00:38:51,080 --> 00:38:54,129
I, having emerged through the conjoining
700
00:38:54,130 --> 00:38:57,990
of Sam and Yetta Yellnikoff in the Bronx,
701
00:38:58,590 --> 00:39:00,660
decades earlier.
702
00:39:01,510 --> 00:39:03,679
And through an astronomical
703
00:39:03,680 --> 00:39:06,710
concatenation of circumstances,
704
00:39:07,890 --> 00:39:09,880
our paths cross.
705
00:39:11,020 --> 00:39:12,840
Two runaways
706
00:39:13,610 --> 00:39:15,380
in the vast,
707
00:39:15,690 --> 00:39:17,260
black,
708
00:39:18,150 --> 00:39:20,300
unspeakably violent
709
00:39:21,530 --> 00:39:23,930
and indifferent universe.
710
00:39:36,290 --> 00:39:40,570
Can you believe I married her?
What possessed me?
711
00:39:40,840 --> 00:39:45,389
This search in life for something
to give the illusion of meaning.
712
00:39:45,390 --> 00:39:47,540
To quell the panic.
713
00:39:47,850 --> 00:39:50,580
All right, so it's been a year.
714
00:39:50,890 --> 00:39:53,899
Three hundred and sixty-five days
of married life.
715
00:39:53,900 --> 00:39:57,880
And you know what?
Not the worst year of my life, either.
716
00:39:58,940 --> 00:40:00,529
What are these?
717
00:40:00,530 --> 00:40:03,050
- They're grits.
- Seriously?
718
00:40:08,870 --> 00:40:11,159
They're actually disgusting.
719
00:40:11,160 --> 00:40:13,980
She's cheerful, not demanding.
720
00:40:14,040 --> 00:40:19,280
Okay, not as brilliant as Jessica, but
not as ambitious and predatory, either.
721
00:40:19,380 --> 00:40:23,379
Jessica's problem was she made up in ego
what she lacked in superego.
722
00:40:23,380 --> 00:40:25,049
But not Melody.
723
00:40:25,050 --> 00:40:28,179
She likes being a nanny.
She's happy with other people's kids,
724
00:40:28,180 --> 00:40:31,790
so mercifully she doesn't bother me
about having our own.
725
00:40:31,890 --> 00:40:33,849
Once a week we see a movie.
726
00:40:33,850 --> 00:40:36,519
Maybe she doesn't understand everything
I take her to,
727
00:40:36,520 --> 00:40:38,609
but she tries and she's a good sport.
728
00:40:38,610 --> 00:40:41,569
She sits up nights with me
when I have my panic attacks.
729
00:40:41,570 --> 00:40:43,399
She keeps me company
at the emergency room
730
00:40:43,400 --> 00:40:46,810
when I'm convinced
my mosquito bite is a melanoma.
731
00:40:47,410 --> 00:40:51,560
Yes, my life is circumscribed,
but I manage to avoid stress.
732
00:40:51,620 --> 00:40:53,579
I've achieved a delicate balance.
733
00:40:53,580 --> 00:40:58,150
And as long as I can maintain it,
I feel less inclined to ending it.
734
00:41:21,610 --> 00:41:23,399
Oh, no, no, no.
735
00:41:23,400 --> 00:41:26,779
- Unacceptable. Come on, this is not good.
- What?
736
00:41:26,780 --> 00:41:28,279
I like music I can dance to.
737
00:41:28,280 --> 00:41:32,239
I know, I know, but this is brutal.
Here, you know what I want you to do?
738
00:41:32,240 --> 00:41:36,060
Put this on. Okay? And then when
I come out, we'll discuss it.
739
00:41:36,080 --> 00:41:38,360
All right, I'll try.
740
00:41:39,960 --> 00:41:42,030
It's Beethoven's Fifth!
741
00:41:42,090 --> 00:41:45,610
Think of the music
as fate knocking on the door.
742
00:41:45,760 --> 00:41:49,160
Maybe a little story
will help you appreciate it.
743
00:41:50,760 --> 00:41:53,540
Fate knocking on the door.
744
00:42:32,800 --> 00:42:34,830
- Mother?
- Melody!
745
00:42:34,850 --> 00:42:36,519
Oh, it's you!
746
00:42:36,520 --> 00:42:39,580
- Oh, my God.
- It's my baby!
747
00:42:40,520 --> 00:42:42,979
I finally found you, praise Jesus!
748
00:42:42,980 --> 00:42:44,819
How did you find me?
749
00:42:44,820 --> 00:42:47,189
Oh, my prayers were finally answered!
750
00:42:47,190 --> 00:42:50,659
I can't... You're just the
last person I expected to see.
751
00:42:50,660 --> 00:42:54,199
Well, when you least expect it,
fate has a way of knocking on your door.
752
00:42:54,200 --> 00:42:57,480
Yeah, it does. Okay. Oh, you have a bag.
753
00:43:01,040 --> 00:43:03,539
What are you doing here?
754
00:43:03,540 --> 00:43:06,990
- Well, I was trying to find you, honey.
- Why?
755
00:43:07,340 --> 00:43:10,219
- I came to find you, honey!
- You did?
756
00:43:10,220 --> 00:43:12,830
Oh, we searched and searched.
757
00:43:12,970 --> 00:43:15,759
The police looked for clues.
Everything led to a dead end.
758
00:43:15,760 --> 00:43:19,389
How we worried.
I developed crow's feet from the worrying.
759
00:43:19,390 --> 00:43:21,349
Now look here. I had a little work done.
760
00:43:21,350 --> 00:43:24,689
Mother, I left you a letter.
I told you I'd be all right.
761
00:43:24,690 --> 00:43:28,399
Melody Saint Anne,
I'd hardly call this all right!
762
00:43:28,400 --> 00:43:30,449
Well, what's wrong with it?
763
00:43:30,450 --> 00:43:33,850
What's wrong?
What's happened to your senses?
764
00:43:33,950 --> 00:43:37,369
Everything's wrong.
You're living like a sharecropper.
765
00:43:37,370 --> 00:43:40,249
But it's clean as a whistle.
I clean it myself every day.
766
00:43:40,250 --> 00:43:42,829
You clean? You don't have a woman?
767
00:43:42,830 --> 00:43:45,379
Boris can't really afford help.
768
00:43:45,380 --> 00:43:47,320
- Who?
- Boris.
769
00:43:48,420 --> 00:43:51,490
- Who's Boris?
- My husband.
770
00:43:51,720 --> 00:43:55,330
- What?
- That's right, Mama, I got married.
771
00:43:55,760 --> 00:44:00,000
- And he's taken you to live here?
- No, no, I moved in with him.
772
00:44:01,140 --> 00:44:03,460
I have to have a drink.
773
00:44:04,900 --> 00:44:07,819
I need to sit. I need an anesthetic.
774
00:44:07,820 --> 00:44:11,439
Okay, okay, have a seat.
We don't have any bourbon or nothing.
775
00:44:11,440 --> 00:44:15,810
Just bring me the drink with the
highest volume of alcohol you have.
776
00:44:17,410 --> 00:44:20,230
You know, Mama, I'm kind of happy.
777
00:44:20,450 --> 00:44:22,520
Kind of happy?
778
00:44:22,580 --> 00:44:24,789
You leave a loving home in Eden,
779
00:44:24,790 --> 00:44:28,629
run off with some crazy kid,
I'm guessing he's a rock musician
780
00:44:28,630 --> 00:44:32,009
who can't earn a respectable living,
and you wind up
781
00:44:32,010 --> 00:44:34,990
in this decadent city,
living in a rattrap.
782
00:44:35,470 --> 00:44:37,929
This is exactly why I ran away.
783
00:44:37,930 --> 00:44:41,179
Why, why, Miss Sweet Pea?
Why did you forsake your loving home?
784
00:44:41,180 --> 00:44:43,370
Because, Mama, you're...
785
00:44:44,100 --> 00:44:47,439
You're overbearing. That's it.
You're overbearing
786
00:44:47,440 --> 00:44:50,800
and you fail to see the big picture.
787
00:44:51,070 --> 00:44:54,220
What big picture are you talking about?
788
00:44:54,610 --> 00:44:56,109
I don't know.
789
00:44:56,110 --> 00:45:00,239
All I know is that nothing moves faster
than the speed of light,
790
00:45:00,240 --> 00:45:02,730
so you may as well relax.
791
00:45:03,290 --> 00:45:06,209
I'm just gonna have
a little moment of prayer.
792
00:45:06,210 --> 00:45:10,610
Mama, you're still caught up
in that Christian superstition?
793
00:45:10,750 --> 00:45:12,459
Happy birthday to you
794
00:45:12,460 --> 00:45:14,009
What's that?
795
00:45:14,010 --> 00:45:15,870
That's Boris.
796
00:45:15,880 --> 00:45:17,469
It's his birthday?
797
00:45:17,470 --> 00:45:19,179
No, he's just washing his hands.
798
00:45:19,180 --> 00:45:22,870
Happy birthday, dear Boris
Happy birthday to you
799
00:45:29,810 --> 00:45:31,380
Who's this?
800
00:45:31,650 --> 00:45:34,340
Boris, this is my mother.
801
00:45:34,900 --> 00:45:37,470
Mother, my husband.
802
00:45:40,830 --> 00:45:42,869
Mama! Mama!
803
00:45:42,870 --> 00:45:45,199
Walk her around,
she's obviously a boozehound.
804
00:45:45,200 --> 00:45:46,829
Mama, are you all right?
805
00:45:46,830 --> 00:45:48,499
- Did he drug you?
- What?
806
00:45:48,500 --> 00:45:50,919
- Are you on sodium pentothal?
- No.
807
00:45:50,920 --> 00:45:54,049
That's what they do,
the secular humanists.
808
00:45:54,050 --> 00:45:57,429
It's uncanny. She's exactly
the kind of moron you described.
809
00:45:57,430 --> 00:46:00,089
You are not the gentleman I was expecting.
810
00:46:00,090 --> 00:46:01,719
I'm sure not. I'm sure you'd be happy
811
00:46:01,720 --> 00:46:05,179
if she married the guy who caught
the biggest catfish in Plaquemines County.
812
00:46:05,180 --> 00:46:07,519
I'd be happier if she married the catfish.
813
00:46:07,520 --> 00:46:10,559
No, you see, Mama, Boris
is a genius. Okay?
814
00:46:10,560 --> 00:46:12,859
He doesn't have a lot of patience
for us inchworms.
815
00:46:12,860 --> 00:46:14,439
- We, we inchworms.
- We.
816
00:46:14,440 --> 00:46:15,569
Some genius.
817
00:46:15,570 --> 00:46:18,069
I was almost nominated for a Nobel Prize.
818
00:46:18,070 --> 00:46:21,409
That's right, Boris.
And what was it for again? Best Picture?
819
00:46:21,410 --> 00:46:22,699
I need more booze.
820
00:46:22,700 --> 00:46:24,449
You know, you never said
how you found me.
821
00:46:24,450 --> 00:46:28,919
Oh, Melody. I have a sad tale to tell you.
822
00:46:28,920 --> 00:46:31,070
What happened, Mama?
823
00:46:32,040 --> 00:46:34,190
Your father left me.
824
00:46:35,210 --> 00:46:37,339
- Aren't you shocked?
- No.
825
00:46:37,340 --> 00:46:39,719
And with who, of all people?
826
00:46:39,720 --> 00:46:41,259
- My best friend, Mandy.
- Your best friend, Mandy.
827
00:46:41,260 --> 00:46:43,179
- How did you know?
- Oh, Mama.
828
00:46:43,180 --> 00:46:46,969
It was as plain as the nose on your face.
Clichรฉ, sorry.
829
00:46:46,970 --> 00:46:48,849
At first I thought he was acting peculiar,
830
00:46:48,850 --> 00:46:52,229
because things was going
so bad for us, darling.
831
00:46:52,230 --> 00:46:53,609
How often did you have intercourse?
832
00:46:53,610 --> 00:46:56,930
Are you going to close
that insulting mouth?
833
00:46:57,280 --> 00:47:01,359
By bad, I mean he lost a lot of money
in the stock market after you left
834
00:47:01,360 --> 00:47:02,949
and we were forced to sell the house.
835
00:47:02,950 --> 00:47:05,279
- You sold the house?
- I'm sorry, yes. We took a beating,
836
00:47:05,280 --> 00:47:06,909
because we were so desperate.
837
00:47:06,910 --> 00:47:09,619
And then he lost his job,
the company went out of business.
838
00:47:09,620 --> 00:47:12,079
And then we spent all our savings
on medical bills,
839
00:47:12,080 --> 00:47:14,709
'cause I came down
with a case of the shingles!
840
00:47:14,710 --> 00:47:17,629
- Oh, my God.
- Christ, this is like Job. No locusts?
841
00:47:17,630 --> 00:47:22,429
Darling, I turned to Jesus in a deeper way
than I had ever done in my life.
842
00:47:22,430 --> 00:47:26,469
I prayed and I prayed,
every day and every night,
843
00:47:26,470 --> 00:47:28,599
asking God to help me.
844
00:47:28,600 --> 00:47:31,099
Let me guess what happened,
your shingles got worse.
845
00:47:31,100 --> 00:47:36,109
I said, "Lord, just give me one sign
that all my suffering is for a purpose."
846
00:47:36,110 --> 00:47:38,859
I said, "Please, God, just say something."
847
00:47:38,860 --> 00:47:41,699
"Break your silence.
I can't take any more misery!"
848
00:47:41,700 --> 00:47:45,850
Nothing, right? And all that money you put
in the tin box every Sunday.
849
00:48:03,260 --> 00:48:05,639
Abortion is murder,
that's the long and short of it.
850
00:48:05,640 --> 00:48:07,309
- That's how I feel. Well...
- Even if the woman is raped?
851
00:48:07,310 --> 00:48:08,469
Why are you wasting your breath,
Brockman?
852
00:48:08,470 --> 00:48:09,849
You're dealing with an aborigine.
853
00:48:09,850 --> 00:48:11,929
You don't mind killing the unborn,
854
00:48:11,930 --> 00:48:14,189
but when some fiend
has raped and murdered,
855
00:48:14,190 --> 00:48:16,189
you're against giving him
that big old injection?
856
00:48:16,190 --> 00:48:19,899
Well, not me, Mr. Genius, and I don't care
how many Academy Awards you've won.
857
00:48:19,900 --> 00:48:23,989
I've never won an Academy Award
and I've never played for the Yankees!
858
00:48:23,990 --> 00:48:28,239
- Where's the little girl's? Thank you.
- It's back there.
859
00:48:28,240 --> 00:48:32,230
Don't forget to sing
The Star-Spangled Banner before you sit.
860
00:48:44,840 --> 00:48:46,549
Excuse me. Excuse me.
861
00:48:46,550 --> 00:48:50,889
I realize this is forward, but who's
that beautiful young girl you're with?
862
00:48:50,890 --> 00:48:53,179
May I ask why you want to know?
863
00:48:53,180 --> 00:48:57,920
Well, because she's very beautiful.
And I'm assuming she's your daughter?
864
00:49:01,690 --> 00:49:04,069
What did you say your name was, darling?
865
00:49:04,070 --> 00:49:07,159
- Randy. Randy Lee James.
- Randy Lee James.
866
00:49:07,160 --> 00:49:08,239
Nice to meet you.
867
00:49:08,240 --> 00:49:09,949
It's too good. I think they're
putting mayonnaise in here.
868
00:49:09,950 --> 00:49:12,869
- No, they can't put mayonnaise in hummus.
- Hello.
869
00:49:12,870 --> 00:49:14,079
Oh, thank you.
870
00:49:14,080 --> 00:49:17,289
- Who were you talking to?
- I wasn't talking to anybody. Nobody.
871
00:49:17,290 --> 00:49:19,789
Listen, listen, I want
to go someplace fun.
872
00:49:19,790 --> 00:49:22,299
Take me someplace fun!
It's New York! Let's go.
873
00:49:22,300 --> 00:49:24,259
Boris, where can I take her that's fun?
874
00:49:24,260 --> 00:49:25,419
How about the Holocaust Museum?
875
00:49:25,420 --> 00:49:26,879
- Oh, for God's sake, Boris.
- No.
876
00:49:26,880 --> 00:49:29,099
- Oh, the wax! The wax figures.
- Oh, yes.
877
00:49:29,100 --> 00:49:31,889
- Yes, yes, let's go. Come on.
- Let's do that.
878
00:49:31,890 --> 00:49:34,019
- It was so nice to meet you, Leo.
- You, too. Have a nice day.
879
00:49:34,020 --> 00:49:36,939
- Bye. Bye, bye.
- Bye.
880
00:49:36,940 --> 00:49:38,559
Have fun!
881
00:49:38,560 --> 00:49:42,269
You know, I have to say,
even with a textbook right-wing mentality,
882
00:49:42,270 --> 00:49:45,149
your mother-in-law has
beautifully shaped breasts.
883
00:49:45,150 --> 00:49:47,739
You know, you're a man of learning,
884
00:49:47,740 --> 00:49:50,949
of cultivation of aesthetic sensibility.
885
00:49:50,950 --> 00:49:53,579
This is what you take away
from the school-prayer hokum
886
00:49:53,580 --> 00:49:55,909
and "my country right or wrong"?
Her bosom?
887
00:49:55,910 --> 00:50:00,860
It's not just her bosom.
Her behind is also beautifully contoured.
888
00:50:01,630 --> 00:50:03,709
Well, I'm sure you'll have no problem
getting her into bed.
889
00:50:03,710 --> 00:50:06,589
She's vulnerable,
she's stupid and she's been abandoned.
890
00:50:06,590 --> 00:50:08,299
Personally, I lose all erotic inclination
891
00:50:08,300 --> 00:50:10,929
when the woman's a member
of the National Rifle Association.
892
00:50:10,930 --> 00:50:12,849
It's pear-shaped.
893
00:50:12,850 --> 00:50:17,099
Degas used to distinguish between
an apple-shaped behind and pear-shaped.
894
00:50:17,100 --> 00:50:19,340
And I'm a big fruit eater.
895
00:50:19,480 --> 00:50:22,090
- Melody.
- That's so weird.
896
00:50:22,940 --> 00:50:25,319
Oh, my God. Oh, hello.
897
00:50:25,320 --> 00:50:28,109
- They're made out of real wax, too.
- Oh, it's Billy. Billy...
898
00:50:28,110 --> 00:50:30,010
Billy Graham!
899
00:50:30,110 --> 00:50:34,699
Oh, sweet pea, sweet pea, this is the kind
of man you should be married to,
900
00:50:34,700 --> 00:50:36,499
not that Communist
who sings Happy Birthday
901
00:50:36,500 --> 00:50:38,829
every time he washes his hands.
902
00:50:38,830 --> 00:50:40,789
How long are you staying, Mom?
903
00:50:40,790 --> 00:50:43,379
Honey, I don't know where else to go.
904
00:50:43,380 --> 00:50:47,469
I have nothing to hold onto. Nothing!
I have to have something.
905
00:50:47,470 --> 00:50:51,639
I mean, I'm never going to attract a man
again, but you can. Yes.
906
00:50:51,640 --> 00:50:53,179
I don't want to get in an argument.
907
00:50:53,180 --> 00:50:56,309
Honey, I met a young man today
who is perfect for you.
908
00:50:56,310 --> 00:50:57,849
- Mom!
- Yes. Listen to me.
909
00:50:57,850 --> 00:51:00,139
He is talented, handsome, sweet,
910
00:51:00,140 --> 00:51:03,689
and he has the proper reverence for life
and its higher purpose.
911
00:51:03,690 --> 00:51:05,149
What are you talking about?
912
00:51:05,150 --> 00:51:07,489
Face it, Melody,
Boris is not like a real husband.
913
00:51:07,490 --> 00:51:10,529
He's more of an outpatient
and you're his keeper.
914
00:51:10,530 --> 00:51:12,869
I really wish you hadn't showed up, Mom.
915
00:51:12,870 --> 00:51:16,989
- His name is Randy Lee James.
- Who?
916
00:51:16,990 --> 00:51:19,959
This delightful young actor.
He fell in love with you at first sight.
917
00:51:19,960 --> 00:51:22,209
- He did. He did.
- Mom, I'm married!
918
00:51:22,210 --> 00:51:25,839
I refuse to recognize it.
What are you doing with a gimpy chess bum
919
00:51:25,840 --> 00:51:29,799
who has to sleep with the light on?
How'd he get that limp?
920
00:51:29,800 --> 00:51:32,219
He jumped out the window
and his suicide didn't work.
921
00:51:32,220 --> 00:51:34,889
Well, you can't win them all. Now, listen,
922
00:51:34,890 --> 00:51:37,559
I have a good lawyer
who can get all of this annulled.
923
00:51:37,560 --> 00:51:40,679
- All of it. Yes. Yes.
- No, no, Mom, no, you're crazy!
924
00:51:40,680 --> 00:51:42,420
Oh, hello.
925
00:51:42,690 --> 00:51:47,920
Happy birthday, dear Boris
Happy birthday to you
926
00:51:48,190 --> 00:51:52,529
Happy birthday to you
927
00:51:52,530 --> 00:51:55,770
Happy birthday, dear Boris
928
00:51:55,950 --> 00:52:00,020
Happy birthday to you
929
00:52:02,540 --> 00:52:06,539
- Who could be calling at midnight?
- Could be burglars, casing the place.
930
00:52:06,540 --> 00:52:10,910
- To steal what? Your Flomax?
- Hello?
931
00:52:11,760 --> 00:52:13,410
Oh, hi.
932
00:52:13,930 --> 00:52:15,990
Yeah, just a second.
933
00:52:16,100 --> 00:52:18,000
- It's for me?
- Yes.
934
00:52:18,560 --> 00:52:20,889
Don't give away any information about me!
935
00:52:20,890 --> 00:52:22,599
Hello? Oh, hello, Leo.
936
00:52:22,600 --> 00:52:24,899
- It's Leo Brockman.
- Brockman?
937
00:52:24,900 --> 00:52:26,500
Really?
938
00:52:27,400 --> 00:52:29,970
Well, that sounds wonderful.
939
00:52:31,400 --> 00:52:35,470
Well, yeah, Sunday's fine. Yeah.
940
00:52:35,570 --> 00:52:38,810
3:00? Well, 3:00's perfect.
941
00:52:39,580 --> 00:52:42,579
Okay. Yeah. See you, darling.
942
00:52:42,580 --> 00:52:47,499
"See you, darling"? "See you, darling"?
Oh, God, poor Brockman!
943
00:52:47,500 --> 00:52:49,089
Good night, y'all.
944
00:52:49,090 --> 00:52:53,030
I'm going to say my prayers.
I'm praying Brockman has herpes.
945
00:52:54,340 --> 00:52:58,799
That was so wonderful! I never in my life
saw a movie in Japanese before.
946
00:52:58,800 --> 00:53:00,469
- Did you like it?
- Oh, yes!
947
00:53:00,470 --> 00:53:03,179
I've never seen a movie
made by a foreigner.
948
00:53:03,180 --> 00:53:08,170
John, my husband, took me to see
stupid movies, which was all there was.
949
00:53:08,310 --> 00:53:10,479
How do you say this? "Chateau" what?
950
00:53:10,480 --> 00:53:11,779
Meyney.
951
00:53:11,780 --> 00:53:13,279
- The what?
- Meyney.
952
00:53:13,280 --> 00:53:15,340
- Meyney?
- Yeah.
953
00:53:15,950 --> 00:53:19,180
- It is so delicious.
- I'm glad you like it.
954
00:53:21,290 --> 00:53:23,869
What do you do? What do you do, Leo?
955
00:53:23,870 --> 00:53:27,419
I teach philosophy at the university
around the corner.
956
00:53:27,420 --> 00:53:30,900
Tell me something. Is
Boris really a genius?
957
00:53:31,170 --> 00:53:34,009
There was a time
when he was a very fine physicist.
958
00:53:34,010 --> 00:53:38,179
Yeah, your daughter's very good for Boris.
It's my theory that she keeps him going.
959
00:53:38,180 --> 00:53:41,660
Would you like to see
some pretty pictures of Melody?
960
00:53:41,810 --> 00:53:43,500
Goodness.
961
00:53:45,140 --> 00:53:47,960
- Well, all right.
- Okay.
962
00:53:48,520 --> 00:53:51,590
Look, here they are. Look at these.
963
00:53:52,190 --> 00:53:55,189
Right there,
that's where she is Miss Natchez.
964
00:53:55,190 --> 00:53:59,159
- Wow.
- Look at her. And she was Miss Tupelo.
965
00:53:59,160 --> 00:54:03,289
Oh, God! Look how gorgeous she is! She's
so beautiful. I love her! I love her!
966
00:54:03,290 --> 00:54:05,079
- Very lovely.
- I was so proud of her.
967
00:54:05,080 --> 00:54:06,709
These pictures are kind of interesting.
968
00:54:06,710 --> 00:54:08,419
I know! She's just gorgeous!
969
00:54:08,420 --> 00:54:10,829
And she has this...
She's just my little sweet pea.
970
00:54:10,830 --> 00:54:13,440
I mean the photos. Did you take them?
971
00:54:14,130 --> 00:54:16,950
- Yes. Yes.
- And this?
972
00:54:17,880 --> 00:54:22,099
That's our house. Well, it was.
Is there more wine?
973
00:54:22,100 --> 00:54:23,889
Yeah. You took all these?
974
00:54:23,890 --> 00:54:26,620
Yes, with my little old Kodak.
975
00:54:27,690 --> 00:54:31,729
These are outstanding. I mean, there's
such a sense of texture and composition.
976
00:54:31,730 --> 00:54:33,609
In these? No.
977
00:54:33,610 --> 00:54:35,479
No, I mean it. I know
what I'm talking about.
978
00:54:35,480 --> 00:54:38,699
I occasionally write about
the aesthetics of photography.
979
00:54:38,700 --> 00:54:41,069
Oh, my God. I have to tell you something.
980
00:54:41,070 --> 00:54:44,579
Aside from Melody's career, there is
nothing, nothing in the whole world
981
00:54:44,580 --> 00:54:47,289
that gave me more pleasure
than taking those snapshots.
982
00:54:47,290 --> 00:54:51,629
Of course, John... Cheers. John hated
them and didn't want me to do it.
983
00:54:51,630 --> 00:54:53,820
- Why?
- Well,
984
00:54:54,090 --> 00:54:56,759
he actually was fine,
and then I set up this darkroom
985
00:54:56,760 --> 00:55:00,759
and he thought I was, like,
squandering all this time on silliness
986
00:55:00,760 --> 00:55:02,469
and I guess he had a point, but...
987
00:55:02,470 --> 00:55:04,809
I mean, nowadays,
who uses a Kodak anymore?
988
00:55:04,810 --> 00:55:08,809
It's a little Kodak,
and I have to tell you something, it is...
989
00:55:08,810 --> 00:55:11,189
It is so simple to use. It's tiny!
990
00:55:11,190 --> 00:55:13,019
I picked it up at, like, a garage sale
991
00:55:13,020 --> 00:55:16,779
and it just is so much better
than those big foreign ones.
992
00:55:16,780 --> 00:55:20,053
No, they're pretty good. They've
got a real haunting quality.
993
00:55:20,054 --> 00:55:21,319
They're very primitive.
994
00:55:21,320 --> 00:55:24,449
I really think you should
talk to my friend Al Morgenstern.
995
00:55:24,450 --> 00:55:25,949
He runs a photography gallery.
996
00:55:25,950 --> 00:55:28,730
- Why?
- Have you got more of these?
997
00:55:29,500 --> 00:55:32,879
Oh, Lord, yes. You know, all
my travels with the pageants.
998
00:55:32,880 --> 00:55:37,759
I have the kids and the towns
and the winners. And the losers!
999
00:55:37,760 --> 00:55:41,009
The losers are the best.
And then I have all these show folk,
1000
00:55:41,010 --> 00:55:44,509
the twirlers, the magicians, the fire
eaters, you know, things like that.
1001
00:55:44,510 --> 00:55:46,969
They're amazing.
They've got such an original quality.
1002
00:55:46,970 --> 00:55:48,769
I'll talk to Al first
thing in the morning.
1003
00:55:48,770 --> 00:55:51,689
Oh, no.
You know, I think you're making too much
1004
00:55:51,690 --> 00:55:54,309
over a little gift
the good Lord Jesus gave me.
1005
00:55:54,310 --> 00:55:57,090
That's not the only gift He gave you.
1006
00:56:00,150 --> 00:56:05,319
You know those clean-cut, churchgoing
young men, who are model kids,
1007
00:56:05,320 --> 00:56:08,829
and good to their neighbors
and quote the Bible,
1008
00:56:08,830 --> 00:56:12,499
and never do a wrong thing,
and then one day,
1009
00:56:12,500 --> 00:56:14,169
for whatever reason,
1010
00:56:14,170 --> 00:56:18,490
they grab a rifle, go to a tower
and pick off everyone in town?
1011
00:56:18,670 --> 00:56:21,610
Okay, this is her, but sexually.
1012
00:56:22,010 --> 00:56:23,299
She slept with Leo Brockman,
1013
00:56:23,300 --> 00:56:26,679
never having been to bed with anyone
before but her husband,
1014
00:56:26,680 --> 00:56:29,809
and suddenly,
the genie was out of the bottle!
1015
00:56:29,810 --> 00:56:33,729
She liked sleeping with Brockman, and she
liked sleeping with Brockman's friends,
1016
00:56:33,730 --> 00:56:37,840
Brockman's acquaintances,
Brockman's acquaintances' acquaintances.
1017
00:56:38,190 --> 00:56:41,689
Brockman took her photos to Morgenstern.
He loved them.
1018
00:56:41,690 --> 00:56:43,899
He decided to show them in his gallery.
1019
00:56:43,900 --> 00:56:47,529
When he did, everyone thought
they were great. A brilliant primitive.
1020
00:56:47,530 --> 00:56:50,699
Soon Morgenstern would
become smitten with her.
1021
00:56:50,700 --> 00:56:54,709
First she moved in with Brockman.
Then she moved in with Morgenstern.
1022
00:56:54,710 --> 00:56:57,539
Then she moved in
with Brockman and Morgenstern.
1023
00:56:57,540 --> 00:56:59,959
She started dabbling with collages.
1024
00:56:59,960 --> 00:57:03,570
Small ones at first,
but they would become bolder.
1025
00:57:04,340 --> 00:57:06,179
She started dressing differently.
1026
00:57:06,180 --> 00:57:08,498
Soon all her deep-rooted
beliefs went
1027
00:57:08,499 --> 00:57:11,179
right down the toilet,
where they belonged.
1028
00:57:11,180 --> 00:57:16,210
She experimented with exotic pleasures.
A new Marietta was born.
1029
00:57:16,900 --> 00:57:21,109
The one thing that remained constant,
she hated her son-in-law.
1030
00:57:21,110 --> 00:57:25,470
- Well, there's some pictures over there.
- Yes, maybe that. Okay.
1031
00:57:26,360 --> 00:57:27,348
What do you think, Mom?
1032
00:57:27,349 --> 00:57:29,579
I'm not sure, you know,
it's for this collage,
1033
00:57:29,580 --> 00:57:34,850
and I've had this vision in black
and white of nude men, women,
1034
00:57:35,080 --> 00:57:37,310
body parts, squares.
1035
00:57:37,750 --> 00:57:39,289
That sounds confusing.
1036
00:57:39,290 --> 00:57:42,780
- Well, it's an homage to lust. Yeah.
- To lust.
1037
00:57:53,310 --> 00:57:55,040
Excuse me.
1038
00:57:55,100 --> 00:57:57,099
Hi, I need a female opinion.
1039
00:57:57,100 --> 00:58:01,340
Which of these two would a young woman
prefer? I can't decide.
1040
00:58:02,480 --> 00:58:05,279
I don't know. They're both so beautiful.
1041
00:58:05,280 --> 00:58:08,260
It depends. What type is she?
1042
00:58:08,610 --> 00:58:11,779
Well, she's quite young
and very lovely-looking.
1043
00:58:11,780 --> 00:58:14,310
Blonde hair. Blue eyes.
1044
00:58:14,450 --> 00:58:16,289
Yeah, but what's she like?
1045
00:58:16,290 --> 00:58:21,129
Well, okay. She's from the South,
although she lives here in New York now.
1046
00:58:21,130 --> 00:58:23,030
- Really?
- Yeah.
1047
00:58:23,630 --> 00:58:25,459
And she's a nanny.
I mean, well, to tell you the truth,
1048
00:58:25,460 --> 00:58:27,009
she's actually living with some man.
1049
00:58:27,010 --> 00:58:30,639
I mean, they're married,
although he's not the best she can do.
1050
00:58:30,640 --> 00:58:32,509
And she thinks she loves him,
but it's only because
1051
00:58:32,510 --> 00:58:35,349
she mistakes his pessimistic despair
for wisdom,
1052
00:58:35,350 --> 00:58:37,420
believing he's a genius.
1053
00:58:39,850 --> 00:58:42,880
I'd say she's more of a nurse
to him than a wife,
1054
00:58:42,881 --> 00:58:45,421
because he's much
older than she is.
1055
00:58:47,650 --> 00:58:50,010
That sounds so familiar.
1056
00:58:50,160 --> 00:58:53,470
I just can't... I can't
put my finger on it.
1057
00:58:53,490 --> 00:58:57,190
- It's sort of like mine, actually. Yeah.
- It is?
1058
00:58:57,330 --> 00:59:01,730
I mean, not exactly, but I can't help
but seeing some similarities.
1059
00:59:02,210 --> 00:59:04,900
- I'd say that one.
- Okay.
1060
00:59:15,470 --> 00:59:17,040
Here.
1061
00:59:17,350 --> 00:59:21,250
- Here what? For me?
- It's for you.
1062
00:59:21,350 --> 00:59:24,689
Yes, I thought I'd buy
you something lovely.
1063
00:59:24,690 --> 00:59:28,029
Oh, no, I can't accept a
gift from a stranger.
1064
00:59:28,030 --> 00:59:30,239
- Well, why not?
- I'm married.
1065
00:59:30,240 --> 00:59:32,760
Yes, but it may not last forever.
1066
00:59:33,240 --> 00:59:36,539
Well, you know, nothing lasts forever.
Not even
1067
00:59:36,540 --> 00:59:40,690
Shakespeare or Michelangelo
1068
00:59:40,710 --> 00:59:42,610
or Greek people.
1069
00:59:43,040 --> 00:59:45,249
I mean, even as we're standing here
talking right now,
1070
00:59:45,250 --> 00:59:49,070
we're just flying apart
at an unimaginable speed.
1071
00:59:49,090 --> 00:59:52,450
- Gee, I never thought of it that way.
- Yeah.
1072
00:59:53,550 --> 00:59:57,120
Should we be holding each other
so we don't fall?
1073
00:59:57,930 --> 01:00:02,639
Well, you have to hold onto whatever
love you can in this cruel existence.
1074
01:00:02,640 --> 01:00:04,559
Speaking of love,
1075
01:00:04,560 --> 01:00:07,569
I've been in love with you ever since
that first moment I saw you,
1076
01:00:07,570 --> 01:00:11,180
and met your mother at the Mogador Cafรฉ
many months ago.
1077
01:00:14,070 --> 01:00:15,989
Oh, you're... You're...
1078
01:00:15,990 --> 01:00:18,489
- Did my mother...
- Randy James.
1079
01:00:18,490 --> 01:00:22,730
Oh, the actor! Of course.
I can hear your accent now.
1080
01:00:22,790 --> 01:00:24,709
Oh, my mother talks
about you all the time,
1081
01:00:24,710 --> 01:00:26,419
and she's always telling me
I have to meet you
1082
01:00:26,420 --> 01:00:28,209
and I'm saying, "Why?
Why do I have to meet him?"
1083
01:00:28,210 --> 01:00:30,629
"But he's so good-looking!"
And, yeah, you are.
1084
01:00:30,630 --> 01:00:32,879
Thank you.
I've moved to New York permanently now
1085
01:00:32,880 --> 01:00:35,259
and I live in a houseboat
with a friend of mine.
1086
01:00:35,260 --> 01:00:38,000
- You live on a boat?
- Yes, I do.
1087
01:00:38,100 --> 01:00:40,849
I'm very romantic by nature,
so I live on a boat
1088
01:00:40,850 --> 01:00:43,939
and I read and think and play my flute...
1089
01:00:43,940 --> 01:00:46,359
- Mom?
- Oh, be still, Melody.
1090
01:00:46,360 --> 01:00:51,109
There's nothing wrong with expanding
your horizons. I certainly expanded mine.
1091
01:00:51,110 --> 01:00:53,949
You know what? I'm really sorry, but...
1092
01:00:53,950 --> 01:00:56,449
I think that my mother badly gave you
the wrong impression,
1093
01:00:56,450 --> 01:00:58,079
because I'm happily married.
1094
01:00:58,080 --> 01:01:03,190
No, no, no, no, no, no, she's not, Randy.
She's nursemaid to a roach. He is.
1095
01:01:03,750 --> 01:01:06,690
Goodbye, Mother. Goodbye, Mr. James.
1096
01:01:09,800 --> 01:01:11,299
I told you you'd get the hang of it.
1097
01:01:11,300 --> 01:01:13,629
Okay, you know what?
Let's just stop. Let's stop.
1098
01:01:13,630 --> 01:01:15,475
Let's stop. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, stop, stop.
1099
01:01:15,476 --> 01:01:16,089
Stop?
1100
01:01:16,090 --> 01:01:20,040
- Yeah. I need to sit for a minute.
- All right.
1101
01:01:20,310 --> 01:01:23,519
You know, I'm just doing it for the
aerobics, anyway. Otherwise, it's moronic.
1102
01:01:23,520 --> 01:01:24,979
I think it's relaxing.
1103
01:01:24,980 --> 01:01:28,729
Relaxing? What? Are you kidding?
It's too nerve-wracking.
1104
01:01:28,730 --> 01:01:33,319
To mingle with all those sub-mentals
on bicycles? It's like driving a car.
1105
01:01:33,320 --> 01:01:36,949
Those hostile, belligerent morons
all get driver's licenses.
1106
01:01:36,950 --> 01:01:41,329
Of course, to have children, you don't
need a license. No proof of anything.
1107
01:01:41,330 --> 01:01:44,449
You need a license to fish.
You need a license to be a barber.
1108
01:01:44,450 --> 01:01:46,369
You need a license to sell hot dogs.
1109
01:01:46,370 --> 01:01:49,129
You know, you read about these poor kids,
beaten and starved,
1110
01:01:49,130 --> 01:01:51,339
you wonder, why are these parents
allowed to even have them?
1111
01:01:51,340 --> 01:01:53,280
Okay, Boris, Boris.
1112
01:01:53,840 --> 01:01:57,929
You know, sometimes I think you're so
determined not to enjoy anything in life,
1113
01:01:57,930 --> 01:01:59,429
just out of spite.
1114
01:01:59,430 --> 01:02:01,469
You know,
like a child who's throwing a tantrum,
1115
01:02:01,470 --> 01:02:03,389
because he can't have his own way.
1116
01:02:03,390 --> 01:02:05,750
Wow! Listen to you!
1117
01:02:06,020 --> 01:02:10,859
That's a reasonably wise insight
for a simple-minded type like yourself.
1118
01:02:10,860 --> 01:02:15,760
Honestly. Yeah, you surprise and
delight me sometimes, you know that?
1119
01:02:17,030 --> 01:02:20,930
I really don't know what I'd do
without you, seriously.
1120
01:02:21,030 --> 01:02:23,350
What are you doing with that?
1121
01:02:23,370 --> 01:02:28,039
This? Nothing. I just got
it at the flea market.
1122
01:02:28,040 --> 01:02:31,749
- Who needs an antique handkerchief?
- I thought it was pretty.
1123
01:02:31,750 --> 01:02:36,070
Yeah, but God knows throughout history
who blew his nose in it.
1124
01:02:37,970 --> 01:02:39,719
- Marietta? Honey?
- Yes, darling?
1125
01:02:39,720 --> 01:02:42,599
I think you should include these photos
at your opening next week.
1126
01:02:42,600 --> 01:02:44,605
I love those photos.
Al, what do you think?
1127
01:02:44,606 --> 01:02:45,469
I chose those.
1128
01:02:45,470 --> 01:02:46,559
- Oh, you did?
- Absolutely.
1129
01:02:46,560 --> 01:02:47,979
- Sweetheart, you've managed to make...
- Thank you.
1130
01:02:47,980 --> 01:02:49,849
...an existential statement about
1131
01:02:49,850 --> 01:02:52,149
- sexual perversity and human freedom.
- Who? Yes.
1132
01:02:52,150 --> 01:02:54,069
- It's so full of erotic imagination.
- Okay, hold on a sec.
1133
01:02:54,070 --> 01:02:56,359
- Oh, thank you so much! Thank you!
- Marietta?
1134
01:02:56,360 --> 01:03:00,640
- Who is it?
- Somebody named Randy Jones?
1135
01:03:00,700 --> 01:03:02,529
Oh, Randy, Randy James.
1136
01:03:02,530 --> 01:03:04,930
Hello? Hello? Hey!
1137
01:03:05,080 --> 01:03:07,480
Young man, hello, hello!
1138
01:03:07,750 --> 01:03:10,919
Listen, she's going to be at Uniqlo
at around 3:00.
1139
01:03:10,920 --> 01:03:13,919
You can run into her and try your luck.
1140
01:03:13,920 --> 01:03:17,919
You know, she saved the handkerchief you
gave her, so it's not a hopeless cause.
1141
01:03:17,920 --> 01:03:23,330
And I'm telling you, I saw fire behind her
eyes. Fire. Yeah. Good luck, darling.
1142
01:03:24,140 --> 01:03:27,139
- Who was that?
- Oh, nothing. Come on, gumbo! Let's go.
1143
01:03:27,140 --> 01:03:29,599
Who'd have ever thought that gumbo
would become my favorite dinner?
1144
01:03:29,600 --> 01:03:32,210
All this and she cooks, too.
1145
01:03:38,030 --> 01:03:40,640
Oh, my God! Hello.
1146
01:03:41,860 --> 01:03:44,619
So I guess you just happened to
be shopping here. Right?
1147
01:03:44,620 --> 01:03:47,619
Well, I was buying this shirt,
if you must know.
1148
01:03:47,620 --> 01:03:49,119
You like it?
1149
01:03:49,120 --> 01:03:51,400
- It's okay.
- Just okay?
1150
01:03:51,460 --> 01:03:53,419
I thought it'd make me look dashing.
1151
01:03:53,420 --> 01:03:55,419
Looks aren't your problem.
1152
01:03:55,420 --> 01:03:56,799
Oh, no? What is?
1153
01:03:56,800 --> 01:03:57,999
You're too forward.
1154
01:03:58,000 --> 01:04:01,740
- I think about you a lot.
- Well, I don't think about you.
1155
01:04:02,090 --> 01:04:06,139
So what's it like being
married to a genius?
1156
01:04:06,140 --> 01:04:07,969
Who wants to know?
1157
01:04:07,970 --> 01:04:11,309
I'm sorry. I don't mean
to be a boor, I just...
1158
01:04:11,310 --> 01:04:13,479
Just that, well, you know.
1159
01:04:13,480 --> 01:04:16,130
It has its pluses and minuses.
1160
01:04:16,150 --> 01:04:19,220
Yes? And what are the drawbacks?
1161
01:04:19,650 --> 01:04:21,649
I don't know. I mean...
1162
01:04:21,650 --> 01:04:24,069
Well, naturally, with
a very advanced mind,
1163
01:04:24,070 --> 01:04:27,470
you find a lot of things
wrong with everything
1164
01:04:27,490 --> 01:04:29,199
and, mainly, he just doesn't like people.
1165
01:04:29,200 --> 01:04:30,619
You know, he says at the
rate they're going,
1166
01:04:30,620 --> 01:04:32,329
they're going to make themselves extinct.
1167
01:04:32,330 --> 01:04:33,900
Right.
1168
01:04:34,000 --> 01:04:37,919
It can just be exhausting
being around a genius all the time.
1169
01:04:37,920 --> 01:04:41,990
So what are the pluses of being
the wife of such a dazzling mind?
1170
01:04:42,510 --> 01:04:45,370
- Well, he's smart.
- You said that.
1171
01:04:45,550 --> 01:04:47,410
He's clever.
1172
01:04:48,760 --> 01:04:52,750
He really means well, you know?
He's just a little crazy.
1173
01:04:54,020 --> 01:04:57,979
I guess the good part is that
I'm the wife of a genius,
1174
01:04:57,980 --> 01:05:00,359
which I never really
thought I could swing.
1175
01:05:00,360 --> 01:05:01,930
Why not?
1176
01:05:02,690 --> 01:05:05,970
I guess I thought I'd have to be smarter.
1177
01:05:07,200 --> 01:05:10,829
You want to see my boat?
I mean, my friend's boat, where I live?
1178
01:05:10,830 --> 01:05:15,560
- I don't think that's a good idea.
- I dreamt about you last night. I...
1179
01:05:15,620 --> 01:05:19,089
Don't use that line. Because Boris said
that he dreamt about me last night.
1180
01:05:19,090 --> 01:05:20,999
And I really doubt
it's mathematically possible
1181
01:05:21,000 --> 01:05:24,110
for me to be in two dreams at one time.
1182
01:05:29,220 --> 01:05:32,370
It's down there, on the right-hand side.
1183
01:05:35,020 --> 01:05:40,210
Well, this is it. It's not much, but
it's home and I don't pay rent, so...
1184
01:05:40,400 --> 01:05:43,279
This is kind of sweet,
living on the water.
1185
01:05:43,280 --> 01:05:47,010
It rocks just the tiniest bit,
so I sleep like a baby on it.
1186
01:05:48,450 --> 01:05:51,619
Randy, I don't know what I'm doing here!
I'm married!
1187
01:05:51,620 --> 01:05:53,749
That doesn't mean
I can't have feelings for you.
1188
01:05:53,750 --> 01:05:55,289
You don't really know me.
1189
01:05:55,290 --> 01:05:58,959
Yes, but I'm a romantic
and I believe in love at first sight.
1190
01:05:58,960 --> 01:06:02,129
Well, that's true. You know, Boris
says that love isn't logical.
1191
01:06:02,130 --> 01:06:06,410
And I adore the way you talk
and the funny things you say.
1192
01:06:07,590 --> 01:06:09,660
Where can it lead?
1193
01:06:09,800 --> 01:06:12,099
Let's drink to love at first sight.
1194
01:06:12,100 --> 01:06:16,019
I can't. When I drink,
I get very silly and touchy and...
1195
01:06:16,020 --> 01:06:19,439
That's what your mum said. That's why
I bought the bottle. She's quite a mum.
1196
01:06:19,440 --> 01:06:21,819
Don't use that locution.
It's for inchworms.
1197
01:06:21,820 --> 01:06:23,380
Sorry.
1198
01:06:25,360 --> 01:06:27,550
Is that you in the picture?
1199
01:06:27,610 --> 01:06:30,529
Yeah. That's me in Juno and the Paycock.
1200
01:06:30,530 --> 01:06:32,949
I bet you're a really good actor.
1201
01:06:32,950 --> 01:06:36,060
I try. Although I'll never be a genius.
1202
01:06:37,080 --> 01:06:39,959
You certainly are handsome enough
to be a star.
1203
01:06:39,960 --> 01:06:43,190
Thank you. I'll cherish that compliment.
1204
01:06:48,510 --> 01:06:51,389
- Oh, my God.
- What are you thinking?
1205
01:06:51,390 --> 01:06:54,450
- Entropy.
- Entropy?
1206
01:06:54,510 --> 01:06:56,849
Yeah, entropy. Boris explained it.
1207
01:06:56,850 --> 01:07:00,349
It's why you can't get the toothpaste
back in the tube.
1208
01:07:00,350 --> 01:07:02,050
You mean,
1209
01:07:03,020 --> 01:07:07,800
once something happens, it's difficult
to put it back the way it was?
1210
01:07:07,860 --> 01:07:10,909
I mean, Boris says love is all about luck.
1211
01:07:10,910 --> 01:07:13,619
I think so, too, but
isn't that just because
1212
01:07:13,620 --> 01:07:15,539
we're young and we think
we're going to live forever
1213
01:07:15,540 --> 01:07:18,119
and then we grow old
and get diabetes, and...
1214
01:07:18,120 --> 01:07:19,690
Maybe.
1215
01:07:19,710 --> 01:07:24,110
Look, I do agree there's not much
you can be sure of in this world, but...
1216
01:07:24,290 --> 01:07:27,879
Have you ever heard of
Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle?
1217
01:07:27,880 --> 01:07:29,669
I've heard of it, yeah.
1218
01:07:29,670 --> 01:07:33,290
You know, the observer
influences the experiment?
1219
01:07:34,300 --> 01:07:36,179
It's just like
1220
01:07:36,180 --> 01:07:38,639
when my mother makes love to
one of the guys she's living with
1221
01:07:38,640 --> 01:07:40,849
a certain way when they're alone,
1222
01:07:40,850 --> 01:07:45,260
but when she's in front of the other guy,
she does it differently.
1223
01:07:45,360 --> 01:07:47,420
Is that Heisenberg?
1224
01:07:47,860 --> 01:07:50,430
I had no idea he was so sexual.
1225
01:07:56,830 --> 01:08:00,209
Wait. I always carry some Viagra with me.
1226
01:08:00,210 --> 01:08:03,230
That's all right. I eat a lot of red meat.
1227
01:08:21,270 --> 01:08:24,290
I really like the way these pants fit.
1228
01:08:27,730 --> 01:08:31,840
Hey, are you okay?
You seem awfully quiet lately.
1229
01:08:32,240 --> 01:08:33,800
Yeah.
1230
01:08:34,320 --> 01:08:36,909
We're going to be late
for Mom's gallery opening.
1231
01:08:36,910 --> 01:08:38,579
I hope you're not coming down
with anything.
1232
01:08:38,580 --> 01:08:41,579
You know, Brodsky's kid's got the measles.
1233
01:08:41,580 --> 01:08:45,459
Can you still get the measles?
I had a shot when I was younger,
1234
01:08:45,460 --> 01:08:47,900
but how long does it last?
1235
01:08:50,460 --> 01:08:51,919
Who's that?
1236
01:08:51,920 --> 01:08:54,990
I don't know. I'm not expecting anyone.
1237
01:08:58,180 --> 01:08:59,809
- Melody!
- Daddy!
1238
01:08:59,810 --> 01:09:02,179
Oh, my little girl, I found you!
1239
01:09:02,180 --> 01:09:05,979
Oh, Lord, your mother and I searched and
searched, but then we ran out of leads.
1240
01:09:05,980 --> 01:09:08,059
I used every connection
I had at the police force.
1241
01:09:08,060 --> 01:09:10,319
We even called the FBI! But you're okay.
1242
01:09:10,320 --> 01:09:12,899
Things are going to be fine now.
Your ordeal is over.
1243
01:09:12,900 --> 01:09:14,149
What ordeal?
1244
01:09:14,150 --> 01:09:16,699
You were abducted!
Tell me if my theory is correct.
1245
01:09:16,700 --> 01:09:19,119
You were chloroformed
by polygamous Mormons.
1246
01:09:19,120 --> 01:09:20,619
They took you off to be someone's bride!
1247
01:09:20,620 --> 01:09:23,709
I was not abducted.
Didn't anybody read my letters?
1248
01:09:23,710 --> 01:09:26,829
Yeah, but I assumed you were forced to
write them at gunpoint.
1249
01:09:26,830 --> 01:09:28,379
- Who's this?
- Who are you?
1250
01:09:28,380 --> 01:09:30,799
- This is Boris, my husband.
- Boris, your who?
1251
01:09:30,800 --> 01:09:33,259
He's my husband. I'm Mrs.
Boris Yellnikoff.
1252
01:09:33,260 --> 01:09:35,049
- Who are you?
- I'm her husband.
1253
01:09:35,050 --> 01:09:37,179
You want to pass out here
or go in the living room?
1254
01:09:37,180 --> 01:09:38,469
Where's your mother?
1255
01:09:38,470 --> 01:09:40,559
What do you care?
You cheated on her and then
1256
01:09:40,560 --> 01:09:42,639
dumped her for Mandy Blackburn,
of all people!
1257
01:09:42,640 --> 01:09:45,309
I made a terrible mistake,
I committed the sin of self-indulgence.
1258
01:09:45,310 --> 01:09:47,189
I've come to beg your
mother's forgiveness.
1259
01:09:47,190 --> 01:09:49,649
- You might want to rethink that, Daddy.
- I want to see her.
1260
01:09:49,650 --> 01:09:51,649
I see death by culture shock.
1261
01:09:51,650 --> 01:09:54,189
You can tell me, Melody,
she has every right to hate me.
1262
01:09:54,190 --> 01:09:55,649
And she does, believe me.
1263
01:09:55,650 --> 01:09:57,449
I can handle the truth. Does she hate me?
1264
01:09:57,450 --> 01:10:00,369
Well, it was a pretty awful thing
you did with her best friend.
1265
01:10:00,370 --> 01:10:01,242
Then she hates me?
1266
01:10:01,243 --> 01:10:03,659
Yes, yes, she hates you!
I can't stand this.
1267
01:10:03,660 --> 01:10:05,499
I hate you and I just met you!
1268
01:10:05,500 --> 01:10:07,749
Lord, you tell me
this creature took you to bed?
1269
01:10:07,750 --> 01:10:11,499
- No, no, no, no. Actually, she took me.
- Yeah, when I met Boris, he hated sex.
1270
01:10:11,500 --> 01:10:14,549
Yeah, think of it, Mr. Celestine.
The absurd choreography,
1271
01:10:14,550 --> 01:10:18,129
like a sewing machine, up and down,
up and down, up and down,
1272
01:10:18,130 --> 01:10:19,929
toward what end? Making more children?
1273
01:10:19,930 --> 01:10:21,219
What the hell are you talking about?
1274
01:10:21,220 --> 01:10:24,679
Reproducing the species over and over.
Toward what goal?
1275
01:10:24,680 --> 01:10:26,599
Carrying out what moronic design?
1276
01:10:26,600 --> 01:10:28,979
- What happened to Mandy?
- It was a mess, a nightmare.
1277
01:10:28,980 --> 01:10:31,769
Lord, I've sinned! Please forgive me.
1278
01:10:31,770 --> 01:10:34,808
Why do all the religious psychotics
wind up praying at my doorstep?
1279
01:10:34,809 --> 01:10:35,819
Can you tell me?
1280
01:10:35,820 --> 01:10:38,529
Lord, in Your infinite mercy,
I've done wrong.
1281
01:10:38,530 --> 01:10:41,770
- You want to tell him, or should I?
- Tell me what?
1282
01:10:43,030 --> 01:10:46,270
Daddy, there's nobody out there!
1283
01:10:46,370 --> 01:10:49,919
Honest. You're praying to no one.
1284
01:10:49,920 --> 01:10:53,249
You're wasting your breath, just like
you're gonna be wasting it on Mom.
1285
01:10:53,250 --> 01:10:55,049
What? You're telling me
she met another man?
1286
01:10:55,050 --> 01:10:57,129
- Not just a man.
- What?
1287
01:10:57,130 --> 01:10:59,825
Daddy, you couldn't expect her
to not, you know,
1288
01:10:59,826 --> 01:11:01,969
move on with her life
and, you know...
1289
01:11:01,970 --> 01:11:04,660
Oh, Lord. What's he like?
1290
01:11:04,680 --> 01:11:06,889
He's got four arms and two noses.
1291
01:11:06,890 --> 01:11:08,389
You better butt out, stranger!
1292
01:11:08,390 --> 01:11:11,479
Melody will tell you I don't need my
shotgun to be a whole passel of trouble.
1293
01:11:11,480 --> 01:11:14,130
Now, I want to see Marietta!
1294
01:11:36,800 --> 01:11:40,509
Now, Dad, try and remember,
you haven't seen Mom in a year.
1295
01:11:40,510 --> 01:11:43,759
A year is not forever.
How much can a person change?
1296
01:11:43,760 --> 01:11:46,870
And with that, they entered the gallery.
1297
01:11:58,400 --> 01:12:00,529
I had more people
than I knew what to do with.
1298
01:12:00,530 --> 01:12:05,810
Everybody said, "I'll be naked with you,
Marietta!" And I was like, "Okay."
1299
01:12:06,370 --> 01:12:08,180
Oh, my God.
1300
01:12:09,160 --> 01:12:10,579
Marietta?
1301
01:12:10,580 --> 01:12:15,129
John Celestine!
Look what the cat dragged in.
1302
01:12:15,130 --> 01:12:16,999
- Marietta, what happened to you?
- Oh, my God!
1303
01:12:17,000 --> 01:12:19,009
Well, darling, it's you that absconded.
1304
01:12:19,010 --> 01:12:20,759
- He showed up at the door today.
- Whoa, whoa. "Absconded"?
1305
01:12:20,760 --> 01:12:22,589
Yes, yes, with the promiscuous whore
1306
01:12:22,590 --> 01:12:24,219
- who called herself my best friend.
- Darling, I'll be...
1307
01:12:24,220 --> 01:12:25,969
I'll find you. Excuse me. Pardon me.
1308
01:12:25,970 --> 01:12:29,469
It's over, Marietta. Mandy and I were a
terrible mistake. I've come back for you.
1309
01:12:29,470 --> 01:12:31,309
Well, honey,
I'm in the middle of my opening.
1310
01:12:31,310 --> 01:12:34,439
Yeah, Dad, this is Mom's exhibition.
Isn't it great?
1311
01:12:34,440 --> 01:12:37,569
- Exhibition of what?
- Well, the collages.
1312
01:12:37,570 --> 01:12:40,109
What? She's thinking
of buying this pornography?
1313
01:12:40,110 --> 01:12:42,199
I got news for you,
she's the pornographer.
1314
01:12:42,200 --> 01:12:44,359
Marietta, who are you?
1315
01:12:44,360 --> 01:12:46,819
John, you never understood me, honey.
1316
01:12:46,820 --> 01:12:49,119
Your vision never extended
beyond the backyard.
1317
01:12:49,120 --> 01:12:51,659
You always had your gun clubs
and your fishing trips and football.
1318
01:12:51,660 --> 01:12:54,579
You never took a little minute
to find out about me.
1319
01:12:54,580 --> 01:12:56,499
And you were always too busy
putting her in pageants
1320
01:12:56,500 --> 01:12:58,999
and coaching her speeches
and teaching her baton twirling!
1321
01:12:59,000 --> 01:13:02,129
Yes, yes, that's true.
I was sublimating my own creative needs
1322
01:13:02,130 --> 01:13:03,669
and forcing them on our daughter.
1323
01:13:03,670 --> 01:13:05,839
- You were what?
- Yes, she was sublimating.
1324
01:13:05,840 --> 01:13:07,009
Sublimating.
1325
01:13:07,010 --> 01:13:09,349
Honey, why don't you go on back
to Mandy Blackburn?
1326
01:13:09,350 --> 01:13:11,679
Her pygmy mentality
is much closer to you now.
1327
01:13:11,680 --> 01:13:14,059
- Much closer.
- Yeah. Well, I can't go back to her.
1328
01:13:14,060 --> 01:13:17,109
- Oh, why not?
- She cast aspersions on my manhood.
1329
01:13:17,110 --> 01:13:20,529
What are we talking? Size? Duration?
Erectile dysfunction?
1330
01:13:20,530 --> 01:13:22,359
Would you mind your own business?
1331
01:13:22,360 --> 01:13:25,055
Marietta, how could you
forsake your own family?
1332
01:13:25,056 --> 01:13:27,199
I want us all back
home to start over.
1333
01:13:27,200 --> 01:13:29,770
I'm a different woman, John.
1334
01:13:30,240 --> 01:13:32,869
I can't believe what I'm seeing. I mean...
1335
01:13:32,870 --> 01:13:35,709
Your clothes are different,
your speech is a little more affected,
1336
01:13:35,710 --> 01:13:37,709
but deep down, I know you're the same
1337
01:13:37,710 --> 01:13:41,209
pretty, small-town, God-fearing,
churchgoing, pie-baking...
1338
01:13:41,210 --> 01:13:42,799
I'm living with two guys.
1339
01:13:42,800 --> 01:13:44,879
Girl Scout mom. You're what?
1340
01:13:44,880 --> 01:13:48,969
I'm an artist. I don't bake pies.
I don't go to church.
1341
01:13:48,970 --> 01:13:52,389
I do collages, sculpture, photography.
1342
01:13:52,390 --> 01:13:55,889
I live in Manhattan
with two men who I love
1343
01:13:55,890 --> 01:13:58,710
in a very happy mรฉnage ร trois.
1344
01:13:59,060 --> 01:14:01,399
- A what?
- We all sleep together.
1345
01:14:01,400 --> 01:14:03,590
A mรฉnage ร trois.
1346
01:14:04,530 --> 01:14:07,850
I knew we should never trust
the goddamn French.
1347
01:14:08,030 --> 01:14:09,949
It's amazing, Melody.
1348
01:14:09,950 --> 01:14:14,079
Thousands of years ago, ancient peoples,
Egyptians, Romans, Mayans,
1349
01:14:14,080 --> 01:14:16,730
were walking home, just like us,
1350
01:14:17,210 --> 01:14:20,419
discussing where should they eat
or making small talk.
1351
01:14:20,420 --> 01:14:23,589
"Hey, we just bought a great house
on the Nile with a yard,"
1352
01:14:23,590 --> 01:14:25,459
"overlooking the Pharaoh's new pyramid."
1353
01:14:25,460 --> 01:14:28,429
- Boris...
- Or, "My physician says"
1354
01:14:28,430 --> 01:14:30,553
"peacock tongues are
bad for your heart."
1355
01:14:30,554 --> 01:14:31,259
Boris...
1356
01:14:31,260 --> 01:14:36,929
Or, "I'm worried I can't get my kid
into a really good Aztec preschool."
1357
01:14:36,930 --> 01:14:39,439
What the hell does it all mean now? Zilch.
1358
01:14:39,440 --> 01:14:40,939
But they thought it was important.
1359
01:14:40,940 --> 01:14:42,609
Boris, can I talk to you for a minute?
1360
01:14:42,610 --> 01:14:45,439
And I was raised in a religious home.
1361
01:14:45,440 --> 01:14:49,779
Job's wife was my favorite character
in the Bible, because she chose death
1362
01:14:49,780 --> 01:14:54,310
rather than obsequious acceptance,
like that masochist she married.
1363
01:14:57,710 --> 01:15:00,249
Boris, Boris, can we
sit down for a second?
1364
01:15:00,250 --> 01:15:01,459
Well, but we have to go home.
1365
01:15:01,460 --> 01:15:03,879
I know, but come here.
I have to say something.
1366
01:15:03,880 --> 01:15:05,799
But we always go home now.
1367
01:15:05,800 --> 01:15:08,129
I know. I know.
I know we have a standard routine.
1368
01:15:08,130 --> 01:15:11,830
I need to have my drink, and a shower.
1369
01:15:11,890 --> 01:15:13,719
And, you know, you see it as routine,
1370
01:15:13,720 --> 01:15:16,889
but for me the consistency helps keep me
from becoming unnerved.
1371
01:15:16,890 --> 01:15:19,189
I know you require a certain ritual.
1372
01:15:19,190 --> 01:15:22,519
And then after the shower,
our dinner, but not crawfish pie again.
1373
01:15:22,520 --> 01:15:26,319
I got indigestion from it last time.
I thought I had thyroid cancer.
1374
01:15:26,320 --> 01:15:29,739
Boris, I met someone else.
I've fallen in love.
1375
01:15:29,740 --> 01:15:34,720
And then some Beethoven, maybe some
Schubert for a change, but, you know...
1376
01:15:35,490 --> 01:15:37,560
You met someone else?
1377
01:15:38,040 --> 01:15:42,770
I'm not saying I don't have
very deep feelings for you. I do.
1378
01:15:45,340 --> 01:15:47,400
You met someone else?
1379
01:15:48,130 --> 01:15:49,570
Yes.
1380
01:15:50,170 --> 01:15:54,160
And you want us to live in a threesome,
like your mother?
1381
01:15:54,180 --> 01:15:57,500
Boris, when you found
me, I was very young.
1382
01:15:59,180 --> 01:16:01,019
You're still very young.
1383
01:16:01,020 --> 01:16:03,519
Yes, but I've grown.
1384
01:16:03,520 --> 01:16:06,920
I've grown so much.
And mainly because of you.
1385
01:16:08,230 --> 01:16:13,050
Yes, it's true. I have been very patient
with your phenomenal ignorance.
1386
01:16:14,700 --> 01:16:17,850
You can always count on me for anything.
1387
01:16:19,870 --> 01:16:21,440
I just...
1388
01:16:21,580 --> 01:16:25,570
I guess I'm at a very impressionable age,
and I...
1389
01:16:26,460 --> 01:16:29,700
I can't think of a way to say this well.
1390
01:16:31,340 --> 01:16:34,339
- You don't have to say it well.
- I want to.
1391
01:16:34,340 --> 01:16:37,500
I completely understand. I do.
1392
01:16:37,760 --> 01:16:40,729
This does not run counter
to my convictions that
1393
01:16:40,730 --> 01:16:44,670
love relationships are
almost invariably transient.
1394
01:16:46,230 --> 01:16:49,470
I don't really think that's
true if they're right.
1395
01:16:50,740 --> 01:16:54,300
Really? You have your own ideas?
1396
01:16:55,160 --> 01:16:58,980
Just a couple.
You know, they're not very deep, but...
1397
01:16:59,410 --> 01:17:04,610
As cruel as life is,
I miss participating in the world.
1398
01:17:04,750 --> 01:17:09,339
And I even miss people,
even the inchworms and the cretins,
1399
01:17:09,340 --> 01:17:14,070
because I don't really think they're bad,
I think they're just scared.
1400
01:17:15,930 --> 01:17:18,549
I think you're making
the correct decision.
1401
01:17:18,550 --> 01:17:20,710
- Boris...
- I mean it.
1402
01:17:23,680 --> 01:17:27,630
I'm a profound and sensitive soul
with an enormous grasp
1403
01:17:27,770 --> 01:17:30,010
of the human condition.
1404
01:17:30,440 --> 01:17:32,689
It was inevitable you would
1405
01:17:32,690 --> 01:17:36,510
eventually grow tired of being
so grossly overmatched.
1406
01:17:37,620 --> 01:17:42,770
Greatness isn't easy to live with,
even by someone of normal intelligence.
1407
01:17:44,370 --> 01:17:48,940
You're upset. I don't expect you
to understand. How could you?
1408
01:17:51,500 --> 01:17:53,280
Believe me,
1409
01:17:54,170 --> 01:17:57,200
if I can understand quantum mechanics,
1410
01:17:57,340 --> 01:18:00,750
I can certainly comprehend
the thought process
1411
01:18:01,640 --> 01:18:04,250
of a sub-mental baton twirler.
1412
01:18:04,810 --> 01:18:07,590
- Boris...
- It's okay.
1413
01:18:09,440 --> 01:18:12,670
I knew this day would come. I really did.
1414
01:18:13,230 --> 01:18:16,720
The universe is winding down.
Why shouldn't we?
1415
01:18:21,620 --> 01:18:23,230
Again!
1416
01:18:23,700 --> 01:18:25,730
I'll have another, too.
1417
01:18:28,170 --> 01:18:30,980
She left me. Can you believe it?
1418
01:18:31,790 --> 01:18:35,259
What am I talking about? I left her.
She's alone.
1419
01:18:35,260 --> 01:18:39,410
Now, no matter which way she turns
in bed, she's got a husband.
1420
01:18:40,590 --> 01:18:42,830
My wife left me, too.
1421
01:18:43,140 --> 01:18:46,460
I'm sure she was beautiful,
just like my wife.
1422
01:18:47,440 --> 01:18:49,040
Norman?
1423
01:18:50,060 --> 01:18:52,300
Norman was gorgeous.
1424
01:18:55,030 --> 01:18:58,399
He was the greatest runway model
Versace ever had.
1425
01:18:58,400 --> 01:19:01,010
I thought you said your wife.
1426
01:19:01,620 --> 01:19:03,850
We were married in Holland.
1427
01:19:06,120 --> 01:19:08,400
You married a guy?
1428
01:19:08,870 --> 01:19:10,610
What else?
1429
01:19:10,920 --> 01:19:13,039
But that would make you...
1430
01:19:13,040 --> 01:19:17,320
What? A widow? Norman didn't die.
1431
01:19:17,880 --> 01:19:19,910
Not a widow, a...
1432
01:19:21,260 --> 01:19:24,040
- Gay?
- A member of the...
1433
01:19:25,390 --> 01:19:27,160
Of what?
1434
01:19:27,350 --> 01:19:29,790
The homosexual persuasion.
1435
01:19:29,980 --> 01:19:31,630
My God.
1436
01:19:32,270 --> 01:19:34,729
You make it sound like a religion.
1437
01:19:34,730 --> 01:19:38,970
Yes. If it's a religion,
you could call me devout. A fanatic.
1438
01:19:39,610 --> 01:19:42,810
But that's a sin against God's law.
1439
01:19:43,530 --> 01:19:45,310
God is gay.
1440
01:19:46,040 --> 01:19:48,369
He can't be.
He made the whole universe perfect.
1441
01:19:48,370 --> 01:19:52,770
The oceans, the skies, the beautiful
flowers, the trees everywhere.
1442
01:19:53,130 --> 01:19:55,419
That's right. He's a decorator.
1443
01:19:55,420 --> 01:19:59,200
But what do you miss about him?
I still don't get it.
1444
01:19:59,590 --> 01:20:01,280
Everything.
1445
01:20:01,550 --> 01:20:03,450
His face.
1446
01:20:03,590 --> 01:20:06,500
His kindness, his sense of humor.
1447
01:20:06,560 --> 01:20:08,960
Our mutual passion.
1448
01:20:09,140 --> 01:20:12,960
The way we'd dance and he'd dip me back
and kiss me.
1449
01:20:13,440 --> 01:20:15,050
Jesus.
1450
01:20:15,650 --> 01:20:18,720
Why did he leave you?
She leave you. Norman.
1451
01:20:18,820 --> 01:20:23,010
He wants to live in Paris,
and I can't leave my sick mother.
1452
01:20:24,740 --> 01:20:27,310
Is your mother a woman?
1453
01:20:28,870 --> 01:20:31,619
She used to look like Marlene Dietrich.
1454
01:20:31,620 --> 01:20:35,629
What's the difference?
They all hurt you in the end, every woman,
1455
01:20:35,630 --> 01:20:38,030
whether they're male or female.
1456
01:20:38,630 --> 01:20:40,700
Why did yours leave you?
1457
01:20:41,340 --> 01:20:45,910
I left her for her best friend,
but it didn't work out.
1458
01:20:46,350 --> 01:20:48,080
Why not?
1459
01:20:50,020 --> 01:20:52,429
Can I be perfectly frank with you?
1460
01:20:52,430 --> 01:20:54,670
I don't shock easily.
1461
01:20:55,480 --> 01:20:57,710
I couldn't make love to her.
1462
01:20:58,980 --> 01:21:00,609
Why not?
1463
01:21:00,610 --> 01:21:05,449
It was fine at first, but then I lost
interest. I wanted Marietta back.
1464
01:21:05,450 --> 01:21:07,279
Which is funny, because in the last years,
1465
01:21:07,280 --> 01:21:10,999
I really didn't have
a lot of sexual interest in Marietta.
1466
01:21:11,000 --> 01:21:15,400
That happens with you heteros.
We always have interest.
1467
01:21:19,040 --> 01:21:20,589
Christ, if I'm going to be honest,
1468
01:21:20,590 --> 01:21:25,410
you know, I never, ever really had
a burning sexual desire for Marietta.
1469
01:21:27,010 --> 01:21:28,950
Why'd you marry her?
1470
01:21:30,180 --> 01:21:35,580
It was the thing to do. Everybody where I
lived, you had a wife and children and...
1471
01:21:37,650 --> 01:21:40,050
Can I really level with you?
1472
01:21:41,030 --> 01:21:42,109
Of course.
1473
01:21:42,110 --> 01:21:43,899
John. John Celestine.
1474
01:21:43,900 --> 01:21:48,850
Of course, John.
I'm Howard Cummings, nee Kaminsky.
1475
01:21:50,240 --> 01:21:53,480
I married Marietta, because I was afraid.
1476
01:21:54,620 --> 01:21:56,039
Of what?
1477
01:21:56,040 --> 01:21:59,879
The way I felt towards the tight end
on the football team.
1478
01:21:59,880 --> 01:22:01,169
No.
1479
01:22:01,170 --> 01:22:05,110
Every time he got in the line of scrimmage
and bent over.
1480
01:22:05,760 --> 01:22:09,200
Bartender, another round for my friend
and me, please.
1481
01:22:53,310 --> 01:22:55,960
Can you believe I blew it twice?
1482
01:22:56,230 --> 01:23:00,019
I jumped out the window
and landed on a woman walking her dog.
1483
01:23:00,020 --> 01:23:03,170
She got hurt. I got off scot-free.
1484
01:23:03,940 --> 01:23:08,649
Don't you realize the consequences
of your actions impact on other people?
1485
01:23:08,650 --> 01:23:11,989
- Oh, come on. Seriously.
- No. What if you had committed suicide?
1486
01:23:11,990 --> 01:23:14,199
Think, think if you didn't exist,
how the world
1487
01:23:14,200 --> 01:23:16,449
would suddenly change
in ways you can't imagine.
1488
01:23:16,450 --> 01:23:17,619
Oh, my God. You know what?
1489
01:23:17,620 --> 01:23:21,129
You sound like that movie they ram
down your throat every Christmas.
1490
01:23:21,130 --> 01:23:23,249
- What?
- What if the guardian angel
1491
01:23:23,250 --> 01:23:24,799
had saved Jimmy Stewart,
1492
01:23:24,800 --> 01:23:27,509
and Jimmy Stewart was
the guy who smoked in bed,
1493
01:23:27,510 --> 01:23:32,540
and he lived and caused a fire
that killed 60 people? So?
1494
01:23:32,640 --> 01:23:36,429
How about that?
Everybody's life is still worth saving?
1495
01:23:36,430 --> 01:23:38,639
Even if it's Christmas?
Come on, seriously.
1496
01:23:38,640 --> 01:23:41,729
You must have a very dim view
of the human race.
1497
01:23:41,730 --> 01:23:46,819
Oh, the human race. They've had to install
automatic toilets in public restrooms,
1498
01:23:46,820 --> 01:23:49,739
because people can't be
entrusted to flush a toilet.
1499
01:23:49,740 --> 01:23:53,390
Come on, flushing a toilet!
They can't even flush a toilet!
1500
01:23:54,160 --> 01:23:55,739
Visiting time is over.
1501
01:23:55,740 --> 01:23:58,749
- What? You're kicking me out?
- Yeah.
1502
01:23:58,750 --> 01:24:01,730
- Seriously?
- Yeah. Absolutely.
1503
01:24:02,580 --> 01:24:07,400
All right, listen.
Honestly, I'm really sorry about all this
1504
01:24:08,340 --> 01:24:11,049
and is there anything I can do
to make this up to you?
1505
01:24:11,050 --> 01:24:14,200
Can I get you something? What can I do?
1506
01:24:15,180 --> 01:24:18,469
If I can ever walk again,
you can buy me dinner.
1507
01:24:18,470 --> 01:24:20,309
What do you do, Helena?
1508
01:24:20,310 --> 01:24:22,380
Me? I'm a psychic.
1509
01:24:24,810 --> 01:24:27,210
I'm sorry. Really?
1510
01:24:27,270 --> 01:24:31,199
I was born with a very rare gift.
I can see into the future.
1511
01:24:31,200 --> 01:24:33,069
If you can see into the future,
how come you didn't know
1512
01:24:33,070 --> 01:24:36,600
I was gonna jump out a building
and land on top of you?
1513
01:24:37,870 --> 01:24:39,640
Maybe I did.
1514
01:24:53,260 --> 01:24:55,580
Happy new year to you.
1515
01:25:00,430 --> 01:25:03,059
We're so excited. Howard
is selling the gym,
1516
01:25:03,060 --> 01:25:05,649
but we're going to open up
an antique shop in Chelsea.
1517
01:25:05,650 --> 01:25:09,149
Yeah. Art deco. We're going to have
a wonderful collection of movie posters.
1518
01:25:09,150 --> 01:25:12,689
Can you believe this cracker?
This red state Neanderthal?
1519
01:25:12,690 --> 01:25:15,739
This mindless zombie
of the National Rifle Association?
1520
01:25:15,740 --> 01:25:19,739
My shrink says that the guns were all
a manifestation of my sexual inadequacy.
1521
01:25:19,740 --> 01:25:24,869
Yeah, if it weren't for sexual inadequacy, the
National Rifle Association would go broke.
1522
01:25:24,870 --> 01:25:27,669
He's moved in with Howard Cummings,
nee Kaminsky.
1523
01:25:27,670 --> 01:25:31,669
And not only is he sleeping with a man,
soon he'll be celebrating Purim.
1524
01:25:31,670 --> 01:25:36,080
More important, for the first time
in his adult life, he's happy.
1525
01:25:36,430 --> 01:25:40,809
I should have known why I was failing you,
Marietta, not fulfilling your womanly needs.
1526
01:25:40,810 --> 01:25:43,599
Which turned out to be quite considerable.
1527
01:25:43,600 --> 01:25:47,099
Mine, too, but not with the sex I'd been
raised to be attracted to.
1528
01:25:47,100 --> 01:25:51,670
You're like a changed man, John.
Your whole personality is sunnier.
1529
01:25:51,690 --> 01:25:53,399
If only it had been that way.
1530
01:25:53,400 --> 01:25:57,949
I couldn't when I was making love to you.
I was a square peg in a round hole,
1531
01:25:57,950 --> 01:25:59,779
you should pardon the metaphor.
1532
01:25:59,780 --> 01:26:03,289
Well, I just hope you two lucked out
and found the right person in each other.
1533
01:26:03,290 --> 01:26:05,249
I know I lucked out.
1534
01:26:05,250 --> 01:26:07,369
What about you, Boris?
1535
01:26:07,370 --> 01:26:11,110
As you would say in the crude fashion
of your generation,
1536
01:26:11,710 --> 01:26:13,950
I totally lucked out.
1537
01:26:14,210 --> 01:26:19,450
It just shows what meaningless
blind chance the universe is.
1538
01:26:19,720 --> 01:26:23,469
Everybody schemes and dreams
to meet the right person,
1539
01:26:23,470 --> 01:26:28,269
and I jump out a window and land on her.
And a psychic yet!
1540
01:26:28,270 --> 01:26:31,229
I mean, come on,
talk about the irrational heart,
1541
01:26:31,230 --> 01:26:34,510
not to mention I've developed
a fondness for grits.
1542
01:26:34,740 --> 01:26:38,550
I have a question,
am I a member of my generation?
1543
01:26:38,570 --> 01:26:41,279
Yes. Don't worry. I'll explain it to you.
1544
01:26:41,280 --> 01:26:44,159
Hey, hey, hold on! Hold on!
The ball's about to drop!
1545
01:26:44,160 --> 01:26:45,409
Come on!
1546
01:26:45,410 --> 01:26:46,959
Ten,
1547
01:26:46,960 --> 01:26:48,169
nine,
1548
01:26:48,170 --> 01:26:50,820
eight, seven,
1549
01:26:50,880 --> 01:26:53,339
six, five,
1550
01:26:53,340 --> 01:26:55,879
four, three,
1551
01:26:55,880 --> 01:26:58,009
two, one!
1552
01:26:58,010 --> 01:26:59,950
Happy new year!
1553
01:27:15,360 --> 01:27:18,199
I happen to hate New Year's celebrations.
1554
01:27:18,200 --> 01:27:20,699
Everybody desperate to have fun.
1555
01:27:20,700 --> 01:27:23,699
Trying to celebrate
in some pathetic little way.
1556
01:27:23,700 --> 01:27:26,980
Celebrate what? A step
closer to the grave?
1557
01:27:28,210 --> 01:27:33,070
That's why I can't say enough times,
whatever love you can get and give,
1558
01:27:33,130 --> 01:27:36,950
whatever happiness
you can filch or provide,
1559
01:27:37,300 --> 01:27:41,910
every temporary measure of grace,
whatever works.
1560
01:27:42,220 --> 01:27:47,210
And don't kid yourself, it's by no means
all up to your own human ingenuity.
1561
01:27:47,680 --> 01:27:51,269
A bigger part of your existence is luck
than you'd like to admit.
1562
01:27:51,270 --> 01:27:54,609
Christ, you know the odds
of your father's one sperm
1563
01:27:54,610 --> 01:27:58,550
from the billions,
finding the single egg that made you?
1564
01:27:59,070 --> 01:28:01,569
Don't think about it,
you'll have a panic attack.
1565
01:28:01,570 --> 01:28:03,409
Boris, what are you doing?
Who you talking to?
1566
01:28:03,410 --> 01:28:05,949
What? There's people
out there watching us.
1567
01:28:05,950 --> 01:28:08,659
- They're out there?
- Yeah, yeah, they're watching. What?
1568
01:28:08,660 --> 01:28:10,619
- Please, Boris...
- You know...
1569
01:28:10,620 --> 01:28:13,959
Well, there was when we started.
I don't know how many are left.
1570
01:28:13,960 --> 01:28:15,879
Does anybody see anybody out there?
1571
01:28:15,880 --> 01:28:18,169
- Out there? No!
- No!
1572
01:28:18,170 --> 01:28:19,990
- Boris!
- No!
1573
01:28:20,920 --> 01:28:24,490
See? I'm the only one
who sees the whole picture.
1574
01:28:24,890 --> 01:28:27,620
That's what they mean by genius.
1575
01:28:28,140 --> 01:28:32,000
Come on. Happy new year, Boris.
132539
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