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1
00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:09,320
CONOR NARRATES: Things have been
a little tense recently.
2
00:00:09,320 --> 00:00:12,040
Everybody seems to be
getting on somebody's tits.
3
00:00:12,040 --> 00:00:13,720
I was annoyed with Linda.
Fuck's sake!
4
00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:15,960
Linda was annoyed with me.
Moron!
5
00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:18,800
Barry was annoyed with Jock.
Fuckers! Bastards!
6
00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:20,640
Jock was annoyed with
Barry. Dickhead.
7
00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:22,840
And me mum was annoyed with me,
Jock and Barry.
8
00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:24,320
Shut up!
9
00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:27,080
Langer, dickhead, gowl!
Out the fucking way.
10
00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:30,080
And with the baby getting so close,
it's fair to say that Siobhan
11
00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:32,160
was getting a little bit bothered
by it all.
12
00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:33,880
My baby will be born in a few weeks
13
00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:36,680
and nobody can fucking
get the fuck on!
14
00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:38,240
So Orla had an idea.
15
00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:42,000
So I thought it would be really nice
if we all went away.
16
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:45,240
Oh. Yeah...i-it would be.
17
00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:47,640
For a weekend or something.
I'd like that.
18
00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:50,440
Like a big family.
19
00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:54,840
Well...that's what we're
going to be, I suppose. Yes.
20
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:58,520
And I'm really happy about it.
Me too.
21
00:00:58,520 --> 00:00:59,800
SHE LAUGHS
22
00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:02,280
And so we were off to
Kerry for the weekend,
23
00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:05,680
to show Siobhan we can all get along
because at the end of the day,
24
00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:07,680
all mams need our support.
25
00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:13,000
Mam, you've got to lift with your
knees, not with your back. Come on.
26
00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:18,880
Do you think you'll decide
to give me a fucking hand at any stage, like?
27
00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:21,760
Good morning, Mairead!
28
00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:26,000
Love what you've done with your
herbaceous borders there.
29
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:28,000
What's that that you've planted?
30
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:32,120
Er...that's just grass, Orla.
Beautiful.
31
00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:34,200
Story. How's it going?
32
00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:37,560
So, thinking of a couple of names
again last night.
33
00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:40,680
So, what about Beyonce?
34
00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:43,320
We might as well be calling
our baby Jesus or something.
35
00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:46,840
What about Madonna? Or is that
a bit too old? She a bit dated?
36
00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:50,560
That's a bit dated.
Let's hit the road, shall we?
37
00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:52,880
The sooner we get there,
the sooner it's over.
38
00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:59,000
You do one fucking thing
to ruin this trip... Yeah.
39
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:00,320
..and I'm telling you now,
40
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:03,040
when we get home, there'll be
fucking war, OK?
41
00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:06,640
Yeah. OK? Not a thing.
Don't you worry about it.
42
00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:10,280
Keep smiling. Yeah.
Keep smiling. Don't worry.
43
00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:13,640
The less I enjoy it, the more
I'll smile, so I won't stop smiling.
44
00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:15,080
Good. Good.
45
00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:19,720
All right, Barry? Orla, hi. Hiya,
Jock. How are you getting on? Good.
46
00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:23,280
Looking forward to it? Catch you
in a bit, yeah? Can't wait. Catch you in a bit. Can't wait.
47
00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:28,960
Shotgun! Looking forward to
spending some time with Linda?
48
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:31,120
HE SCOFFS
Fuck, no.
49
00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:33,440
Why would I?
I don't care about Linda.
50
00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:36,440
Oh, you're just upset because she
went on a date with Eoin O'Hanlon.
51
00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:40,040
No, I'm fucking not! All right.
I didn't even remember that!
52
00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:43,480
Because I was too busy not
thinking about Linda. All right.
53
00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:48,000
You know, the countryside's
a very romantic place.
54
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:51,200
I defy any woman to look at
the harshest knob
55
00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:53,440
and not feel
a stirring in the heart.
56
00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:54,840
Ain't that right, Mairead?
57
00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:00,280
Mairead!
58
00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:03,720
It is right, though, isn't it?
It's right.
59
00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:07,760
Just drive the fucking car, Barry,
will you? I can't find the fucking keys. Yeah, typical.
60
00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:10,040
Ruining it before we even
fucking get going!
61
00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:12,560
ENGINE STARTS
62
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,120
CONOR: Jock's mam gave birth to him
63
00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:18,000
prematurely in Dunnes Store shopping
centre, so as a result, every time
64
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:21,280
Siobhan does a hiccup, he thinks
she's going to pop the baby out.
65
00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:24,600
What are they pulling over for?
I don't fucking know why.
66
00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:26,080
Do you think she's all right?
67
00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:31,760
What's up?! What's up?!
H-H-Have your waters broken?!
68
00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:33,560
No, I just need a piss.
69
00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:35,920
Found some tissues, love.
70
00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:37,920
I'll help you wipe yourself,
all right?
71
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:44,480
Relax. Relax. Just, er...
she needs to go for a piss.
72
00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:46,800
When I was younger,
I used to have difficulty acting
73
00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:50,720
cool in front of girls but lately,
I've fucking nailed it.
74
00:03:57,280 --> 00:04:02,640
Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine,
why? Just asking. I'm good.
75
00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:07,240
I'm really good. I bet you are. Why?
76
00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:11,480
So, I heard you went on a date with
Eoin O'Hanlon the other day.
77
00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:12,560
Sort of.
78
00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:14,320
We just went to McDonald's, like.
79
00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:19,600
I hope you two
are very happy together.
80
00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:21,160
Genuinely.
81
00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:23,160
SHOES SQUEAK
82
00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:26,960
I was actually... I was on a date
earlier as well. That's good.
83
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:28,320
Yeah, it was. It was...great.
84
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:33,040
She lives, she's from down...
Germany, so...
85
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:35,920
you wouldn't know her, like.
What's her name?
86
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:38,760
Her name? Yeah.
87
00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:43,680
Shit! Fuck!
88
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:51,120
Fucks!
89
00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:58,280
Hey, Jock. It's all right.
90
00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:02,680
Do you come around here often,
would you?
91
00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:04,600
Just on holidays.
92
00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:08,960
I like the same holiday every year,
so... Same holiday every year? Hm?
93
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:12,360
Same holiday every year.
Same holiday every year. Yeah?
94
00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:18,160
What are they doing over there?
95
00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:19,280
Those lads.
96
00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:23,960
My, oh, my, that takes me back.
97
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:26,200
BARRY LAUGHS
They're county trimming.
98
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:30,000
What? Those Kerry boys there,
they're moving the Welcome to Kerry
99
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:33,280
sign a little bit down the road and
stealing a bit of Cork.
100
00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:36,920
You might not think it to look at me
now, but I once stole...
101
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:42,840
Argh! Drop that sign, you pricks!
Nobody fucks with my county!
102
00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:50,720
You hit me right in the bollocks,
you bastard! Nice one, dickhead!
103
00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:54,440
Chris has got over a foreskin
infection! Don't tell him that!
104
00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,160
See you later, Barry.
105
00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:00,960
That's not how you do
county trimming.
106
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:02,400
What took you so long?
107
00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:05,040
If you really want to know,
I had piss running down my legs
108
00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:07,920
and mum had to wipe.
Fucking hell, Barry, you had to ask.
109
00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:09,320
Barry's actually killer.
110
00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:14,880
Hurry the fuck up! We're going to
teach those Cork langers a lesson.
111
00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:16,040
The rivalry between Cork
112
00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:18,400
and Kerry has gone back
as far as caveman days.
113
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:22,120
You'd think by now Kerry people
would've given up
114
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:25,080
and just admit that us Cork
people are better than them.
115
00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:26,920
Hold back, hold back.
116
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,640
We don't want them to know
that we're following them.
117
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:42,680
Be careful with that now!
118
00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:47,200
This cottage has been generously
lent to us by Brendan Cooley
119
00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:51,080
and those statues are his pride
and joy. Who's Brendan Cooley?
120
00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:56,240
Brendan Cooley is chair of the
board of management of St Finnian's.
121
00:06:56,240 --> 00:07:00,200
Remember, my school? A man I not
only know in a professional capacity
122
00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:02,400
but I'm proud to say is
a close personal friend,
123
00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:05,920
so please, treat this house
as you would your own.
124
00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:07,760
Or actually, better.
125
00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:10,160
Considerably better.
126
00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:12,640
Yeah, treat it right.
How are you, babe?
127
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:14,480
Rrrr!
128
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:21,640
Those fucking Cork cocks will wish
they never came to Kerry.
129
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:32,400
JOCK LAUGHS
Oh, this is fucking brilliant.
130
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:34,560
Look at the size
of this clock.
131
00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:36,000
Why, we're going to be telling time
132
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:39,040
like the fucking King of England
or something.
133
00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:41,920
Well, this is gorgeous!
134
00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:45,280
Barry, Orla, I just want to say
you've organised the whole thing,
135
00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:47,200
you should take the master suite.
136
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:50,320
Siobhan and I will be happy enough
with the second-best double, yeah?
137
00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:53,840
I think it's best if Siobhan shares
with Linda, don't you? No.
138
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:56,560
Jock, why don't you take the sofa?
Yeah.
139
00:07:58,360 --> 00:07:59,960
And don't you even try anything,
140
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:02,960
you oversexed, under-aged
little bollocks!
141
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:07,240
I've got an enlarged prostate,
huge, up every hour on the hour.
142
00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:08,800
About to burst.
143
00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:10,760
Checkmate.
144
00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:29,920
Barry. What are you doing?
145
00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:32,680
Just doing a quick inventory
of the cutlery and plates.
146
00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:37,720
Big group, you know. These things
can easily go missing or... Or what?
147
00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:40,760
I've been trusted with an important
man's spoons, Mairead.
148
00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:44,600
I take that responsibility
seriously. You must...
149
00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:47,080
let me know how much I owe you for
all of these...
150
00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:50,720
organic groceries that
I didn't know you were buying.
151
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:53,280
Oh, no, no. You're grand.
Don't worry about it.
152
00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:55,520
No, I-I can afford to pay.
153
00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:57,560
You certainly have enough
money for cigarettes.
154
00:08:57,560 --> 00:08:59,120
We might be hard up
some of the time,
155
00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:01,600
but we're not eating out of bins.
Jock.
156
00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:04,520
This bone's still got chicken on it.
157
00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:06,760
No, no. I realise that.
I didn't mean...
158
00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:09,480
No, no, no, just let me know
the cost.
159
00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:11,920
140 euros.
160
00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:17,080
That's a lovely gesture, Orla,
thank you for paying for it.
161
00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:18,080
Appreciate that.
162
00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:26,160
Conor, come in, Conor.
163
00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:28,680
If you're near the kitchen there,
will you get me a can of Tanora, please?
164
00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:30,960
Kkkrrr! Roger that. Kkkrrr!
165
00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:37,680
What the fuck is that? It's a
baby monitor. I got it for you.
166
00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:40,720
That's not a baby monitor. What do
you mean it's not a baby monitor?
167
00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:44,160
Look at it. Definitely small
and pink.
168
00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:46,560
It's a baby monitor.
How does it work?
169
00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:49,200
I push the button, say,
"Are you OK?"
170
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:52,320
And then the baby picks it up
and goes, "Yes."
171
00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:54,560
That's a kid's walkie-talkie.
172
00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:04,720
It's Olga.
173
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:06,360
What?
174
00:10:06,360 --> 00:10:07,960
Olga.
175
00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:13,080
That's the...the German girl
I was talking about.
176
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:17,480
I shifted her, she thought it was
great, like.
177
00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:20,160
Said it was delicious.
178
00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:22,160
Is that what she said in German
to you?
179
00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:25,960
What did she exactly say?
180
00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:33,600
Shit! Fuck!
181
00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:41,160
CLOTHES TEARING
Fuck! Shit!
182
00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:46,480
For fuck's sake.
183
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:49,680
I already told you, there's
no service in the house.
184
00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:52,680
Who do you need to be messaging
anyway? We're on holiday.
185
00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:54,960
Texting Conor? Conor?
186
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:56,840
He's in the same building.
187
00:10:56,840 --> 00:11:00,360
Linda, Orla, come into the kitchen,
will you?
188
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:04,680
Come on, please.
Thank you. Sit down.
189
00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:08,840
Now, those of you who've had the
pleasure of being on holiday with me
190
00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:11,920
before may have an inkling as to
what's coming next. Oh, no.
191
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,960
That's right.
I've done an itinerary. Dad, no.
192
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:17,480
Every second is accounted for
on these spreadsheets,
193
00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:21,280
which means maximum fun.
The holiday starts now.
194
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:24,800
THEY SCREAM
195
00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:30,200
What the fuck was that?!
Someone threw a rock. What?
196
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:33,640
Why is no-one checking the
story with the baby? Are you all right? Is the baby OK?
197
00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:36,320
No, she's got you as a father.
Barry!
198
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:40,800
It's the lads from the border. The
ones pissing about with the sign.
199
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:43,200
HE WHIMPERS
200
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:45,760
Are you OK? I'm all right.
They missed.
201
00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:48,240
Some people just don't learn,
do they?
202
00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:52,440
Well, if it's a fight they want,
it's a fight they're going to get.
203
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:57,040
Sit down! You've done enough
already. Chucking stones at people.
204
00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:59,840
This is your fault.
I'll deal with it now.
205
00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:03,240
Thank you.
206
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:14,600
Right. Come out.
Come on, I know you're there.
207
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:19,720
I'm sorry to inform you boys
but I'm a principal
208
00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:23,960
and when you mess with one
principal, you mess with us all.
209
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:26,760
There's a WhatsApp group,
did you know that?
210
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:33,080
Ah! Gone a bit quiet now, hasn't it?
So, where do you boys go, then?
211
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,160
St Brendan's? St Mary's?
212
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:40,120
Yeah, that would be the catchment
area, wouldn't it?
213
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:44,320
Tell you what, do say hello to
Mr Kennedy for me on Monday morning.
214
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:49,440
Or maybe I should call him myself.
Get yourselves home.
215
00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:57,800
We'll have no more trouble now.
Consider that dealt with.
216
00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:00,640
You know, a lot of these boys don't
have father figures in the home.
217
00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:02,920
GLASS SHATTERING
Oh, for fuck's sake.
218
00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:05,720
No, I'm stressed and when I'm
stressed, the baby's stressed.
219
00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:09,240
You're stressed? You don't have to
explain all this to Brendan Cooley.
220
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:12,760
That's it. Nobody stresses out
my foetus. Sit down.
221
00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:14,840
Don't you see that's what they want?
222
00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:18,080
Try and at least act like you've
got a brain. Barry. Oh, yeah?
223
00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:21,920
What do you suggest we do? Don't
even dignify them with a response.
224
00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:27,640
What? Yeah. Sometimes the best
revenge is to live well.
225
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:30,880
In our case, why don't we tuck into
a Darina Allen shepherd's pie?
226
00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:32,760
Amen.
ELECTRICAL FIZZING
227
00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:34,160
ALARM BEEPS
The little bastards!
228
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:36,840
Did they just cut the power?
Well, that's dinner fucked!
229
00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:39,360
Can we not just use the microwave?
Yeah, no problem, yeah.
230
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:42,200
Light the fire in the microwave,
you dickhead. Barry!
231
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:48,480
Right. They've crossed a line now.
232
00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:50,920
This is a matter for the guards.
233
00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:52,880
Will someone turn off
the fucking alarm?
234
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:54,600
PHONE LINE BEEPS
235
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:57,160
Dammit! Did they cut
the phone line, Barry?
236
00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:59,720
Yes. They've cut the phone line.
237
00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:01,560
They're really going for it,
aren't they?
238
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:05,080
GLASS SHATTERING
Fuck this.
239
00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:08,640
I'll get to the bottom of this!
240
00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:11,200
Jesus Christ!
241
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:22,440
All right. Now listen.
I'm sorry about before.
242
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:29,760
But now I've come to talk and
listen. Now you've made your point.
243
00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:34,160
What is it that you want?
Come on, I know you can hear me.
244
00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:36,400
What do you want?
Show us your dick!
245
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,000
OK, come on.
246
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,720
I'm sure that's not what you want.
Get your cock out!
247
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:46,200
I like a laugh
as much as the next person,
248
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:47,720
but let's be serious now, OK?
249
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:51,360
Get your cock and balls out.
Get your little Mickey out.
250
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:54,160
MAIREAD SNIGGERS
Right.
251
00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:58,720
Clearly you don't want to be
spoken to like grown-ups. Fine!
252
00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:03,160
HE SCREAMS
253
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,760
LAUGHTER
254
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:14,120
Absolutely pathetic.
255
00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:15,840
LAUGHTER
256
00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:19,000
I assume you heard all that,
did you?
257
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:23,120
I really don't know
what the big deal is, Barry.
258
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,000
Can you not just give them
what they want
259
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,080
so that we can all
get on with our holiday?
260
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:28,520
I'm a principal.
261
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:30,760
I'm not going to go
waving my willy around
262
00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:32,480
so you can enjoy the Ring of Kerry.
263
00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:35,880
No, no, no, Barry, I agree with you.
264
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:38,160
You can't negotiate with terrorists.
265
00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:41,000
Show them your lad, they're going
to want to see your balls.
266
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:44,120
Show them your balls, they're going
to want to see your hole.
267
00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:47,160
And then what? Well, they want
to bend you over and start...
268
00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:50,320
Yeah, yeah, we get it.
You see, the thing is, Barry,
269
00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:52,640
all right? You've got book smarts,
270
00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:55,240
but when it comes to the way of
the street, you're in...
271
00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:02,040
What's that class called where
me and Con get to do the pictures?
272
00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:04,440
Remedial. Remedial.
273
00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:06,560
When it comes to the way of
the streets, Barry,
274
00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:09,120
you're in the remedial class, OK?
275
00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:11,400
Me and Con will take it
from here on out.
276
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:12,720
No, you won't!
277
00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:15,360
Oh, yeah, because you handled
it so brilliantly.
278
00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:17,640
Like, no offence, but they might
want to talk to someone
279
00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:18,840
their own age.
280
00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:20,960
Relax, Barry.
281
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:23,240
We're not stupid.
282
00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:26,880
We're not going to do anything
to inflame this situation.
283
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,600
Right, you bunch of
cousin fuckers,
284
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:35,720
if it's a fight ye want,
it's a fight you're going to get.
285
00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:37,600
This rock has your name on it, boys.
286
00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:39,160
Come at me! Fuck, boys.
287
00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:40,680
Come on, please leave.
288
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:42,200
You fucking bastards!
289
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:45,000
THEY YELL
290
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:46,520
Man down!
291
00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:48,280
Man down, fuck!
292
00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:49,920
Oh, my God.
293
00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:54,360
Conor? Conor, can you hear me?
294
00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:57,640
Conor?
Grade A bit of parenting, Mairead.
295
00:16:57,640 --> 00:16:59,360
Linda? He's coming round.
296
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:01,520
Conor? Linda?
297
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,040
Conor.
298
00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:04,160
You all right?
299
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:06,480
VOICEOVER: When you go through
a near-death experience
300
00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:09,000
like I just did,
you can focus your attention
301
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:10,920
on what's important in your life.
302
00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:12,520
We've all the time in the world.
303
00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:17,200
It's over.
304
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:23,640
Didn't even hurt.
I don't fucking care.
305
00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:25,400
What are we going to do now, then?
306
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:27,680
Oh, I've an idea, actually, Orla.
307
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:30,400
When my dad was in prison...
Oh, Christ, here we go. Sh.
308
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,960
..he said that when they didn't
have weapons, they'd do, like,
309
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,600
a shit in their hands.
310
00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:36,560
What, there must be, like,
eight of us here?
311
00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:38,480
If we all did one,
I could go up to the skylight
312
00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:40,160
and throw it at the lads.
313
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,320
That's surely going to dampen
their spirits, isn't it?
314
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:46,480
Jock, I think even
if that did work,
315
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:49,120
we're not going to feel like
having a family holiday afterwards.
316
00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:51,920
So what are we going to do now?
317
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:55,160
The only thing we can do.
318
00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:57,720
We wait.
319
00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:10,200
Stop.
320
00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:25,880
Am I the only one
still playing Monopoly?
321
00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:28,840
For God's sake, Orla,
this is a hostage situation.
322
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:32,520
He always gets like that when
somebody else buys Shrewsbury Road.
323
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:34,520
How much longer
is this going to go on for?
324
00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:36,480
Don't worry,
they'll break soon enough.
325
00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:39,960
There's a load of them
out there right now.
326
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:41,240
WATER SPILLS
327
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:43,520
They've got a campfire going,
they're drinking out of cans.
328
00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:44,640
Oh...
329
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:47,240
They're fucking barbecuing sausages.
SHE EXHALES
330
00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:48,520
I know, right?
331
00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:51,000
Barbecue's my favourite
type of dinner as well.
332
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,400
I think my waters just broke.
333
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,480
Oh! Oh, shit!
334
00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:58,640
Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus.
What does that mean? Fuck.
335
00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:00,640
Jock? Babe, babe, babe, babe,
just breathe.
336
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,400
Barry, we have to get her out of
here. I'm thinking, I'm thinking.
337
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,200
Well, if you had given them
a flash of your lad,
338
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:06,600
this would have been over hours ago.
339
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:09,040
And if you instilled a bit of
discipline into your household,
340
00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:10,920
we wouldn't be in this
situation to begin with!
341
00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:12,200
SHE LAUGHS
342
00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:14,320
Oh, now I see it,
that's what do you think of us?
343
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,080
I saw you counting
the fucking spoons earlier.
344
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:17,360
For fuck sake, Mairead,
345
00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:19,640
will you ever get that chip
off your fucking shoulder?
346
00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:21,720
Will you get the rod out of
your fucking hole?
347
00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:23,120
Do you see what happens, Orla?
348
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:25,200
When you try to be nice
to these people?
349
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:26,880
These people?!
350
00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:28,280
Are you fucking kidding me?
351
00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:30,480
She's from our neighbourhood,
unless you forgot.
352
00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:32,320
Your family are from the fucking...
353
00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:36,640
THEY YELL OVER EACH OTHER
354
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:38,600
You fucking bitch, you...
355
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:40,160
QUIET!
356
00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:43,040
SIOBHAN PANTS
357
00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:46,400
For fuck sake,
I'm about to have a baby!
358
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,280
I'm fucking scared to death.
359
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:52,800
And none of you can get on
for two fucking seconds.
360
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:54,120
I'm sorry, love.
361
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:56,200
We're all a bit hyper.
362
00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:57,240
SHE EXHALES
363
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,400
I think I've got an idea
to get us out of here.
364
00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:06,160
And it doesn't involve shitting.
365
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,040
Those fucking Cork lots
are up to something.
366
00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:12,920
What the fuck are they doing?
Come on, boys, quick.
367
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:15,840
They're on the move, look,
they're on the move!
368
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:19,000
All right, big shits,
give us your worst!
369
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:21,000
THEY YELL
370
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,920
Bet you can't hit us! Agh!
371
00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:24,760
Fucking pricks!
Come on, you langers!
372
00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:27,400
SIOBHAN GROANS
Come on.
373
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:30,120
YELLING
374
00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:31,440
Is that all you've got?
375
00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:34,320
I've heard that Kerry lads
don't have much fire in the tank!
376
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,560
He's talking about your bollocks.
Come on, boys!
377
00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:39,160
Keep your head down.
Keep your head down.
378
00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:40,360
Pricks!
379
00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:43,800
Look at me, Con!
We'll get through this.
380
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:45,920
The baby's coming.
You'll get through this!
381
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:48,000
Come on.
YELLING
382
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,400
Go to my car, go to my car!
383
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,360
Lads, come on!
384
00:20:52,360 --> 00:20:53,960
They're running out of stones.
385
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:56,000
They're not running out
of fucking stones,
386
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:57,680
it's a pebble driveway!
387
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:02,120
Come on! Oh, for fuck sake,
Barry, come on!
388
00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:04,600
I'm trying! Jesus Christ.
389
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:06,960
Just start the fucking car, Barry!
390
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:09,000
SHE WAILS
ENGINE STARTS
391
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:10,920
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
392
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,160
I can't even think about this now,
can I?
393
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:20,480
Just drive the fucking car,
Barry, will you?
394
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:25,240
Con, Jock, get in!
395
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,160
Retreat, retreat!
396
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,200
Quick, now!
397
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:31,280
THEY YELL
398
00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:33,800
Go on, boys!
399
00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:35,800
Come on!
SHE BEEPS HORN
400
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:39,680
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
401
00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:41,240
Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine.
402
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,560
Oh, I'm fine, too.
403
00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:46,640
Go! Right. Come on!
404
00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:00,600
Yeah, I know, it's grand,
don't worry.
405
00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:02,960
SHE BREATHES DEEPLY
406
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:05,400
Siobhan Walsh? Yeah.
407
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:07,880
We've your room ready for you
if you'd like to come with me. OK.
408
00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:11,520
No, just Jock.
409
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:13,680
But sweetheart... No, Mum.
410
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:16,360
That's what I want.
411
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:20,520
You'll have to put these on. Right.
412
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:23,400
All right? Here, let me take your...
413
00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:26,320
WHISPERING: Rub her back.
414
00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:36,880
Listen...
415
00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:38,240
..I'm sorry about all the...
416
00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:41,840
..stuff.
417
00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:43,840
Aw, no, I...
418
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:47,160
I should be apologising
to the two of you, really.
419
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:48,960
Do you think she's
all right in there?
420
00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:51,880
Yeah.
421
00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:53,160
She's got Jock with her.
422
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:57,560
HE FARTS
Sorry.
423
00:22:57,560 --> 00:22:59,560
I'm a bit nervous,
I'm doing those farts
424
00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:01,360
where you're not totally sure,
that's...
425
00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:03,240
That's all they are.
SHE LAUGHS
426
00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:06,400
SHE GROANS
427
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,800
VOICEOVER: It's not surprising
that nurses and doctors
428
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:11,040
have a reputation for being horny,
with everyone
429
00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:13,680
showing their dicks and their
fannies to them all the time.
430
00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:15,920
I guess a bit of that hospital
horniness must have
431
00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:17,440
rubbed off on myself and Linda.
432
00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:23,720
LINDA: There it is.
433
00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:43,800
GRUNTING
434
00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:53,160
GRUNTING GETS LOUDER
435
00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:57,680
Fuck off!
436
00:23:57,680 --> 00:24:01,400
We're having sex, if you hadn't
noticed, show us a bit of respect!
437
00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:03,320
Eh, where were we?
438
00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:04,760
Here...
439
00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:08,320
THEY GRUNT
440
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:21,760
# Now I've got you in my space
441
00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:24,840
# I won't let go of you... #
442
00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:26,520
THEY GRUNT
443
00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:30,600
# I got you shackled in my embrace
444
00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:33,960
# I'm latching on to you... #
445
00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:35,320
GRUNTING
446
00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:39,480
# Now I've got you in my space
447
00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:42,800
# I won't let go of you... #
448
00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:44,200
SHE CRIES
449
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:48,240
# I've got you shackled
in my embrace
450
00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:51,520
# I'm latching on to you
451
00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:56,760
# I'm so encaptured
452
00:24:56,760 --> 00:24:58,120
# You got me wrapped up... #
453
00:24:58,120 --> 00:25:01,040
Wait.
# ..in your touch... #
454
00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:03,360
The condom's still on.
455
00:25:03,360 --> 00:25:05,720
And it's not broken.
456
00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:09,320
# Hold me tight
within your clutch. #
457
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:22,520
I love you. I love you, too.
458
00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:30,440
Oh, now, that's a baby.
459
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:32,000
Best baby ever.
460
00:25:33,120 --> 00:25:35,040
How are you, boy,
are you all right? You good?
461
00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:37,600
That was stressful, but, I'm OK now.
462
00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:40,560
Wasn't his fanny it came out of,
was it? That's true.
463
00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:44,320
Do you know what you're going
to call her?
464
00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:47,320
We couldn't decide what star
to name her after, so...
465
00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:50,480
..we settled on... Star.
466
00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:54,280
BABY GRIZZLES
467
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:58,480
Well done, love.
468
00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:00,200
Yeah.
469
00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:02,480
Come on, now, let's get a picture
of us all with the baby.
470
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:11,400
Jock, what the fuck?
What?!
471
00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:14,040
You're supposed to be wearing
your scrubs over your clothes.
472
00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:17,640
What? Nobody told me.
473
00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:19,880
THEY LAUGH
474
00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:21,600
Easy access.
475
00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:23,960
VOICEOVER: Photos are great,
because people rarely take them
476
00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:25,960
when everyone is looking pissed off.
477
00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:28,440
And human memories
aren't that good... Ready?
478
00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:29,640
CAMERA CLICKS
479
00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:31,480
..so when you look back
on them photos,
480
00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:33,880
all you can remember
are the happy times.
481
00:26:33,930 --> 00:26:38,480
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