Original subtitles

Told you he wouldn't be here.

He said he'll be here, so he'll be here.

Will we go wait in the bar?

Hospitals don't have bars.

Oh, yeah.

That reminds me. Siobhan's having her first baby scan today.

I've got to go. I'll see you tomorrow.

See you in the morning.

Just come on, Jocks, pick up your phone.

Come on.

I can't help thinking there was something important

I was supposed to be doing today.

Aye, no, but if it was important, you'd remember it. That's true.

Got to trust your brain. That's what it's there for.

Are you sure this is a good idea?

Yeah, just trust me, OK? Cops don't lock.

Have you just made that up?

Yeah, but it's true, like.

Guards never lock their bikes because they think

there's no-one stupid enough to steal a Garda bike.

Except us. Exactly!

All right, on three. One... No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I was thinking - the main mistake people make

when robbing stuff out in the open is that they move too quickly

and they look really dodgy, so let's just move really slowly,

then nobody will even notice us. Yeah, good thinking.

The last thing we want to do is look dodgy.

I know what you're thinking.

How did two seemingly normal-looking fellows like myself

and Jock think up amazingly clever ideas such as this one?

Well, it just comes second nature to us.

We can think without even thinking about it.

This one's Healy's.

Oh, bags that one!

Fuck.

Jock, this one's locked.

That's strange. This one's locked too.

Cops DO lock, Jock!

Conor. What?

Stop moving slowly.

Hey!

Stop that!

Stop that! Stop!

Stop, you little...!

What's your address? We'll drop them back later.

You fucking pricks!

Stop, you're under arrest!

57 Beechwood Drive.

Gardai! Stop, you're under arrest!

Give it up, boys.

Excuse me, sorry, get out of the way.

Sorry, coming through!

Oh, look, there's a sale on here! Yeah, I noticed.

Excuse me, coming through. Sorry!

Stop! You're under arrest!

Please excuse me! Watch it, you shite!

I don't like small spaces.

Well, then, think of the prison cell you'll be in if you don't move now!

Gardai!

I still can't help thinking

there's something I'm supposed to be doing today.

Sorry I'm late. Is Jock not with you?

No, is he not here?

Fuck's sake.

Conor's phone is ringing now.

Conor, is that your phone?

Conor speaking.

Where the fuck are you? Merchants Quay Shopping Centre.

You're supposed to be at the hospital for the baby scan.

Oh, bollocks!

Jock, the baby scan! Oh, bollocks. We need to take a detour.

Gardai! Stop there!

There's no fucking way I'm going down it. Fine, stay here.

Stop there!

This is the down elevator, fucking gobshites.

Bollocks to that.

Fuck!

Better luck next time, dickhead!

Fuck you!

For fuck's sake!

He's got a big head.

All right? Let's scan the shit out of this foetus.

I told you how important this was to me.

And instead, you're off fucking about with Conor.

There's something myself and Orla would like to talk to you two about.

Now might be a good time?

Adopt my baby?

If we adopt, you can go on being kids,

grow up and have normal-ish lives.

And the baby is going to need a responsible father figure.

Yeah, I'm responsible.

Your irresponsible behaviour got you into this mess in the first place.

What did I do that was so irresponsible?

Not wearing a condom! WHISPERS: Stop it.

Oh, that's different.

I'm responsible when it comes to things not related to my dick.

Yeah, but the problem is, you are the tail,

your dick is the dog, and your dog is wagging its dick.

What?

I do what to a dog's dick?

Your dick is the dog, you're the... You're the tail.

You're a dog's tail full of dicks, wagging out babies.

What the fuck are you on about, Barry?

OK, look, when I worked at a primary school,

teaching seven-year-olds,

I used to get them to mind an egg for a month

without breaking it.

That way, they could learn a bit about what it takes to be a parent.

I bet you couldn't do it. Bet you I could.

Chickens can look after their egg, and they're stupid.

And Jock is way smarter than a chicken.

You're fucking right I am.

All right, what do I get if I win?

Forget all about the adoption agreement.

And if I win?

I won't put up a fight, and you can adopt the baby.

Oh, this is idiotic and it's pointless.

Shouldn't waste time on any egg,

other than the one you fertilised inside me.

This is important, all right? It's a man's thing.

It's like... It's like banging antlers out in the fucking Amazon.

Your dad will respect me more once I whip his arse.

There you go.

Thank you.

I'm going to call you Jock Junior.

Can I be the godfather?

Of course you can, Con.

Godfather. Congratulations.

Con.

One month from now, yeah?

Yeah.

Thanks for the loan of the bikes, boys.

Sound, lads.

Eggs get a bad rep.

They're actually pretty robust, so keeping Jock Junior safe for the

next 30 days should be easy, as long as we stay 100% focused on the job.

Do you want to have sex?

Jesus, fucking...

What, w-why? Why-how? What? When?

We... Wha... What's wrong? Do you not want to?

Fuck, yeah. But erm, er...

Look, I just don't want to end up in the same shit mess

as Jock and Siobhan.

We won't. We're not idiots.

We'll use protection.

All right, then. So...

Yeah? Yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, shit, sorry, I... Sorry.

My aim's usually better than that.

When we're...

..it will... It will be...

Sketch!

Hey, Jock. All right, sir.

How are you doing today?

Fine.

That's great.

What's in your pocket?

I know what you're trying to do.

Just saying hello, that's all.

Hey! Principal Walsh is trying to touch my balls!

Agh!

I wasn't trying to touch his balls.

Where's the egg? You're supposed to have it with you at all times.

Conor has it, he's baby-sitting.

Where's Jock Junior?

Oh, he's sitting on the wall.

Jock, the wind!

Whoa!

30 more days! You're doing great.

HE CHUCKLES

What the hell, Con? That was so irresponsible.

WHISPERS: Say you did it.

It was me, it's my fault. It was my fault that it...

That... It was...me.

Well, Linda obviously can't be trusted with an egg, then.

From now on, one of us has to be holding Jock Junior at all times.

As people get older, they care less about ripping each other's

clothes off and more about picking them up.

Is that yours?

Er, yes.

For a guard,

you'd think Healy would be more concerned about living like a pig.

How many times do I have to tell you to tidy your shit up after you?

I have a system - cook, eat, then clean.

Don't you mean cook, eat,

then leave your shit everywhere?

Somebody's not getting their hole tonight.

CONOR LAUGHS

He fucking wishes.

Oh, wait, that's weird.

Just passing through.

Come here, you're taking the old community service a bit far.

POLICE RADIO: Disturbance outside the Old Al bar.

Any Gardai in the area?

Yeah, I'll go for it.

Are we on a bit of a rush, yeah?

Just a quick question. Would you say I fall in through the cracks?

Any chance of a grass or not? No.

RUMBLING OUTSIDE

What the hell are you doing in my garden? Compacting.

Your buddy the Gardai went off for a spin on his bicycle

and he left the place in an awful state.

Well, I'm not paying you nothing. I don't want your money.

Sure I owe you one. One what?

One, like. You know, from before?

I filled your bucket for you. Where do you want this?

Er...

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

You can, er, just leave it down there by the fireplace.

Mam.

Come over.

What's he doing here? He said he owes me one.

One what? You can't just be letting psychos into the gaff

because they owe you one.

All right, look, whatever you do, just don't feed him.

Why not?

Because he's like a stray dog. He'll just keep coming back.

BILLY SNIFFS

What have you got there?

Nothing.

If it's nothing, then why are you being so protective of it?

Just, just an egg.

BILLY LAUGHS

It must be a special egg. Sure, give us a look.

CONOR GRUNTS

Careful. Be careful.

He doesn't look very happy now, does he?

Sure, I'm starving. No, you wouldn't like that egg, it's...

It's not an eating egg.

All eggs are eating eggs, all right?

Er, th-this has gone past its best-before date, so...

It's my favourite. Show.

Look, I'll just throw it into the pan there

and we'll have a bit of scrambled egg.

Please, no, don't.

Be careful, be careful. What's wrong with you, eh?!

You swear you laid the fucking thing yourself! It's only an egg.

Cluck-cluck-cluck-cluck! Cluck-cluck-cluck-cluck! Cluck!

There's nothing like a fresh biscuit,

straight out of the packet.

Draw the curtain down, Mairead. Could be here for a while.

After three days, you will be walking out of that hospital

with a newborn baby.

No matter what you hear people say, I don't think anyone really

gives a shit about an egg until it is THEIR egg.

The circled items are the ones we're going to need.

And when it IS their egg,

people will spend every last penny they have -

or don't have - on it.

Oh, my God!

They do so much worrying about their egg, they pretty much never get

a good night's sleep ever again, and neither does their partner.

It is a major procedure you're going in for,

and there are risks.

Dads, if anything goes wrong in there, you will have

a lot of responsibility on your hands.

Let's take a look, shall we?

WOMAN GROANS

WOMAN SCREAMS

WOMAN ON FILM: Oh, fuck!

Be right back.

SCREAMING CONTINUES

You didn't, you did not leave her.

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

The fuck is that?

THAT'S name is Kevin. Aoife Manny's baby.

I offered to mind him for the weekend while herself

and her fellow are up in Dublin, and you're going to help

because you need to get some practice in.

But... But I have to look after Jock Junior.

You've wasted enough time with that smelly old egg.

Well, what about dinner at the Walshes'?

Well, just bring him along.

Right.

BABY COOS

He's so small!

He's like four foot.

BABY GRUMBLES

Look, it's...

No, it's the other way, lads. Smiles.

Put the brake off.

Siobhan has been trying to get our two families to be more

friendly with each other ever since she got pregnant,

and we've all been making a big effort.

So nice to see you.

What a joy.

Been looking forward to this all week.

Your big hair looks lovely.

But so does your flat hair.

Come in, come in, come in.

He's not mine.

BABY COOS

Mind, I think the baby suits him. Don't you?

Conor, do you want to come upstairs

and see my collection of dead butterflies?

Dead butterflies?

Do you have a condom?

CONOR SPLUTTERS

What? Wi... With all them downstairs?

Whatever your dad's cooking smells like shit.

That the baby's bum. It needs changing.

You do it and I'll supervise.

I'm not changing any bums. Here, Siobhan.

I'm not helping. There's no way I'm doing all the nappy changing

when our baby comes along.

Pull harder, will you? I'm doing all the work.

CONOR GRUNTS

BABY COOS

Where's the egg? Right here.

He was a minute ago.

It's hardly good parenting, is it? Not knowing where your egg is.

Jock, just concentrate on what you're doing.

Och, look, there's shit everywhere.

It's a baby, that's what happens.

I'll give you until a count of ten, and if you don't produce the egg,

I'm going to announce myself the winner. It was just here, OK?

One...

Linda, are you still there?

Two... Here, look, Siobhan, will you give me a hand looking for the egg?

It doesn't mean shit, Jock. Just stop worrying about it.

Three... Con!

Con...

Do you have the egg? Bollocks!

Four...

BABY CRIES

I'm making a balls of this. Will you just take over?

Five!

Fucking egg!

Six!

BABY PASSES WIND

You might want to stick a nappy on it before it squirts more poo out.

Oh, Mairead, look, serious, would you just take over?

You need to learn!

No, I'm done!

Seven.

A baby is a full-time job!

You can't just clock out whenever you feel like it.

You have to do it day after day after day.

Eight...

Because your child is never going to stop needing you.

I mean, you of all people should know that.

Nine.

Fuck you, Mairead.

Ten. I win!

Fine. You're the winner.

If you want to adopt this baby so much, you can fucking have it.

If I could go back and cock block my own cock, I would.

Because being a dad is for dickheads.

All right? The egg is fine. I've got it here.

This is for the best.

The last thing you need

is someone who acts like that in your baby's life.

SHE CRIES

And Father of the Year goes to

yet again Barry Wanker Walsh.

You're all right.

You'll be thanking me in the end.

You know you will.

You all right?

What are you still hanging on to that egg for?

One day left on Principal Walsh's stupid egg challenge.

When it's over, I'm going to hard-boil it

and shove it up his hole.

You'd have trouble getting a pea up his hole.

Oh, I'll get it up there all right.

You know you're going to be that baby's father,

whether you like it or not.

No stupid egg bet's going to change that.

I haven't a clue what I'm doing.

Well, join the club.

Sure I didn't have a fuckin' clue.

Like, when Conor arrived, I was like,

"What the fuck is this? Like, what do I do with it, like?"

You'll figure it all out, I promise.

Children are disgusting, by the way.

Stuff comes out of every hole in their body, like.

Thought you were trying to help me here, like.

I'm just trying to prepare you for it, like.

You've got to, like, clean their armpits

cos they get cheesy and everything. Cheese?

Oh, yuck.

As long as the baby's cute, you'll be fine.

If it's not cute, then...

Obviously, it's going to be cute looking.

They're harder to love when they're not cute.

Imagine it he's like me... If it looks like you, it's fucked.

If it looks like... A big gangly baby.

Fuck off.

A big lanky baby.

Yeah.

You're going to be grand.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hi.

Argh!

I always imagined losing my virginity

for the first time somewhere classy,

like, in a house.

But when you're a teenager, you've got to go with whatever's available.

Dad gave Siobhan a key to his office, while she's pregnant,

just in case she wants to get sick in private.

He won't be back for another HOUR.

Er...will he not...smell the sex when he does get back?

Very clever.

I know.

Erm. Come on.

Let's do this.

Jock gave me some pretty great advice

on how to get women in the mood,

which I've been saving for this occasion.

It's called foreplay. What are the four plays?

What, you don't know the four plays?

All right. Play one, OK. You've got to use tongue, and lots of it.

Slow, like a wave, like a crest of a wave hitting a beach.

Play two, you've got to get naked, but do it slowly, like a stripper.

What is that?

What's what?

That.

It's my landing strip.

Play number three,

you've got to talk about your dick so that she's not intimidated by it.

Talk about my dick.

Before we get down to business,

you should know that I have this skin tag on my knob

that'll look a bit weird.

But the doctor said it's nothing to worry about

and you won't even notice it once I put the condom on.

It's time for play number four.

Stick it in, then the wiggle it all about.

SNAP! Mm.

Fuck. Come on, dick. Get up.

I can't shut you up when she's not around. Come on!

What's taking so long?

A WATCHED POT NEVER BOILS, LINDA.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

SIOBHAN RETCHES

Linda.

Let me in, I need to get sick.

FUCK OFF.

I just...I just need a second.

What's wrong? Is there something wrong with your dick?

There's nothing wrong with my dick, my dick's fine.

I can't get it up.

Will you help me? You've just got to talk dirty or something.

SLAPPING

What do you want me to say? Well, you know, who's...who's your daddy?

Barry Walsh... I mean... No, don't say that. ..I mean, you.

I'm happy to give it a go with half a boner.

Take a look at this.

That hasn't got a scratch on it.

Look at it, go on, you can shake it, if you like. Knock yourself out.

Oh, what now?

And I know it's just a fucking egg.

But it has to mean something

that I managed to keep that safe for a month.

I bet YOU couldn't do it.

I'm already a dad.

I've been through the wars, so minding this egg will be a doddle.

Looking after something as fragile as an egg isn't easy.

But at least when I say I'm going to do something, I do it.

Like, when I say I'm going to be there for the baby, I'll be there.

Why are you telling HIM this?

I was on my way to see you, but...

..he passed through my trajectory.

Look, I know I know fuck-all about babies.

But I've got two arms and two legs, and I can do some stuff to help out.

Even if I'm not very good at it, I promise I'll be there.

Principal Walsh. What is it?

Your other daughter is riding some young fella in your office.

Dad, come back, I think my waters broke.

Dad, just...

They're not going to have sex, listen.

I'm sorry, Linda. It's my fault.

I've been putting your dick under pressure.

We've all the time in the world.

Oh, thank Christ.

Yeah.

Do you know I've actually stopped watching porn

where the women talk to the camera?

Cos it feels like I'm cheating on you.

That's so sweet.

When I watch porn, I picture your face on all the men,

even though your face doesn't match their big bodies.

While we're here, do you want to give each other hand jobs?

Oh, yeah. I bags sitting in your dad's chair.

HEY, YOU! PUT THAT LITTLE THING AWAY AND GET YOUR TROUSERS BACK ON!

SNAP! Ah!

So, do you want to know if it's a boy or a girl?

Is it a girl?

Correct.

A girl?

Have you got a problem with that?

A smaller version of you?

Loving this baby's going to be easy.

And with me as her godfather and mentor,

there won't be a bike in the city she won't know how to nick.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0