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1
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♪ I would like to leave this city
2
00:00:10,308 --> 00:00:15,018
♪ This old town
don't smell too pretty and
3
00:00:15,068 --> 00:00:18,697
♪ I can feel the warning signs
4
00:00:18,748 --> 00:00:22,502
♪ Running around my mind
5
00:00:23,708 --> 00:00:26,302
♪ So what do you say?
6
00:00:26,348 --> 00:00:31,058
♪ You can't give me the dreams
that are mine anyway
7
00:00:31,108 --> 00:00:34,942
♪ You're half the world away
8
00:00:35,548 --> 00:00:38,381
♪ Half the world away
9
00:00:39,548 --> 00:00:42,620
♪ Half the world away ♪
10
00:00:42,668 --> 00:00:46,820
(Radio) # Why does it always rain on me?
11
00:00:46,868 --> 00:00:48,267
♪ Is it because... ♪
12
00:00:48,308 --> 00:00:50,947
Could Dave not have given you
a hand with this, Jim?
13
00:00:50,988 --> 00:00:56,142
No, he's under Denise's bloody thumb,
isn't he? The lanky streak of piss.
14
00:00:56,188 --> 00:00:59,146
Seen him carrying the baby around
all the bloody time?
15
00:00:59,188 --> 00:01:03,181
I never, ever picked me kids up.
Unless they fell over.
16
00:01:03,228 --> 00:01:05,423
Me neither.
17
00:01:05,468 --> 00:01:07,698
No, he's a bloody auld woman
with that baby.
18
00:01:07,748 --> 00:01:11,058
Twice last week he had
the emergency doctor out to Baby David.
19
00:01:11,108 --> 00:01:15,704
Ooh, Denise was bloody fuming.
He woke her up both times, didn't he?
20
00:01:15,748 --> 00:01:18,626
No, he's completely
under her bloody thumb, lad.
21
00:01:18,668 --> 00:01:20,499
Always has been, Jim.
22
00:01:20,548 --> 00:01:22,982
She says, "Shit,"
he jumps on the shovel.
23
00:01:23,028 --> 00:01:24,381
Yeah.
24
00:01:24,428 --> 00:01:26,658
No fun going for a pint
with the bugger now.
25
00:01:26,708 --> 00:01:30,303
After three pints, he's got
the bloody photograph of the nipper out,
26
00:01:30,348 --> 00:01:32,100
he's crying his bloody eyes out!
27
00:01:32,148 --> 00:01:35,584
Oh! And that bloody farmyard
he's making for Baby David. Ooh!
28
00:01:35,628 --> 00:01:39,621
- It's doing my head in.
- I'm sick of that farmyard too, Jim.
29
00:01:41,388 --> 00:01:45,700
Oh, he's bloody terrified of her, always
looking at his watch, always on edge.
30
00:01:45,748 --> 00:01:49,297
He's under the bloody thumb all right,
he's not a bloody man.
31
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(Door opens)
32
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Quick!
33
00:01:53,108 --> 00:01:56,703
♪ Why does it always rain on me? ♪
34
00:01:56,748 --> 00:01:58,067
Hiya!
35
00:01:58,108 --> 00:02:00,463
Oh, I tell you what,
this is hard work, Barb.
36
00:02:00,508 --> 00:02:03,978
Yeah. 'Ey, you all right, Twiggy?
37
00:02:04,028 --> 00:02:06,019
All right, Barb?
38
00:02:06,788 --> 00:02:10,781
Werert you getting one of them steamer
thingies so you could get it done quick?
39
00:02:10,828 --> 00:02:14,537
For 15 pound a day? You put the kettle
on, Barb, that'll make enough steam.
40
00:02:14,588 --> 00:02:17,022
Hey, Barb, make my bacon
dead crispy, will you?
41
00:02:17,068 --> 00:02:19,536
Yeah. Jim, don't forget you promised me
42
00:02:19,588 --> 00:02:22,386
you'd have that done
for Baby David's christening.
43
00:02:22,428 --> 00:02:25,943
Bloody hell, Barb, it doesn't even
want decorating. It's spotless.
44
00:02:25,988 --> 00:02:30,425
Jim, you could have moved the table
and put covers over me good chairs.
45
00:02:30,468 --> 00:02:32,857
(Sighs) Bloody hell, Barb.
46
00:02:32,908 --> 00:02:36,821
Ah, 'ey, Twiggy, how's your little Lee?
What happened with Dixons?
47
00:02:36,868 --> 00:02:38,984
I went round there and wised 'em up.
48
00:02:39,028 --> 00:02:41,337
And luckily,
they're not charging him now.
49
00:02:41,388 --> 00:02:43,379
Aww.
50
00:02:43,428 --> 00:02:45,942
Wort stop him, though.
Thieving little get.
51
00:02:45,988 --> 00:02:48,866
- He gets that off you, Twig.
- Thanks, Jim, yeah.
52
00:02:48,908 --> 00:02:50,899
(Laughs)
53
00:02:53,748 --> 00:02:55,784
That's what this is all about, you know.
54
00:02:55,828 --> 00:02:59,707
I've got to decorate the whole bloody
room just for this bloody christening.
55
00:02:59,748 --> 00:03:01,864
Why couldn't we
have had it at their gaff?
56
00:03:01,908 --> 00:03:03,819
Oh, cos that would mean our Denise
57
00:03:03,868 --> 00:03:07,656
would have to get off her arse
and do something, wouldn't she?
58
00:03:08,708 --> 00:03:11,666
- Hey, I saw Cheryl the other night.
- Where?
59
00:03:11,708 --> 00:03:14,461
Outside the chippy,
waiting for it to open!
60
00:03:14,508 --> 00:03:16,499
(Both laugh)
61
00:03:20,028 --> 00:03:22,417
Ooh.
62
00:03:22,468 --> 00:03:24,265
It is common, that wallpaper.
63
00:03:24,308 --> 00:03:27,027
I'll be glad to get that woodchip up.
64
00:03:27,068 --> 00:03:30,344
- Did all right, that, Barb. Pound a roll.
- Yeah.
65
00:03:35,708 --> 00:03:37,699
(# Lou Bega: Mambo No. 5)
66
00:03:46,828 --> 00:03:49,183
♪ One, two, three, four, five
67
00:03:49,228 --> 00:03:51,867
♪ Everybody in the car,
so come on, let's ride
68
00:03:51,908 --> 00:03:54,103
♪ To the liquor store around the corner
69
00:03:54,148 --> 00:03:58,107
♪ The boys say they want some gin
and juice, but I really don't wanna
70
00:03:58,148 --> 00:04:00,343
♪ Beer bust like I had last week
71
00:04:00,388 --> 00:04:02,856
♪ I must stay deep cos talk is cheap
72
00:04:02,908 --> 00:04:05,741
♪ I like Angela, Pamela, Sandra and Rita
73
00:04:05,788 --> 00:04:08,780
♪ And as I continue,
you know they're getting sweeter
74
00:04:08,828 --> 00:04:11,820
♪ So what can I do?
I really beg you, my Lord
75
00:04:11,868 --> 00:04:13,984
♪ To me, flirting is just like a sport
76
00:04:14,028 --> 00:04:17,623
♪ Anything fly,
it's all good, let me dump it
77
00:04:17,668 --> 00:04:19,021
♪ And send in the trumpet
78
00:04:19,068 --> 00:04:21,741
♪ A little bit of Monica in my life
79
00:04:21,788 --> 00:04:24,382
♪ A little bit of Erica by my side
80
00:04:24,428 --> 00:04:27,181
♪ A little bit of Rita's all I need
81
00:04:27,228 --> 00:04:30,026
♪ A little bit of Tina's what I see
82
00:04:30,068 --> 00:04:32,741
♪ A little bit of Sandra in the sun
83
00:04:32,788 --> 00:04:35,586
♪ A little bit of Mary all night long
84
00:04:35,628 --> 00:04:38,347
♪ A little bit of Jessica, here I am
85
00:04:38,388 --> 00:04:40,777
♪ A little bit of you makes me your man
86
00:04:40,828 --> 00:04:42,625
♪ Aah!
87
00:04:57,708 --> 00:04:59,983
♪ Mambo number five!
88
00:05:00,788 --> 00:05:02,585
♪ Aah!
89
00:05:03,548 --> 00:05:06,346
♪ Jump up and down
and move it all around
90
00:05:06,388 --> 00:05:09,186
♪ Shake your head to the sound,
put your hands on the ground
91
00:05:09,228 --> 00:05:11,822
♪ Take one step left and one step right
92
00:05:11,868 --> 00:05:14,826
♪ And one to the front
and one to the side
93
00:05:14,868 --> 00:05:17,302
♪ Clap your hands once
and clap your hands twice
94
00:05:17,348 --> 00:05:19,862
♪ And if it looks like this
then you're doing it right
95
00:05:19,908 --> 00:05:22,342
♪ A little bit of Monica in my life
96
00:05:22,388 --> 00:05:25,107
♪ A little bit of Erica by my side
97
00:05:25,148 --> 00:05:27,867
♪ A little bit of Rita's all I need
98
00:05:27,908 --> 00:05:30,706
♪ A little bit of Tina's what I see
99
00:05:30,748 --> 00:05:33,421
♪ A little bit of Sandra in the sun
100
00:05:33,468 --> 00:05:36,107
♪ A little bit of Mary all night long
101
00:05:36,148 --> 00:05:38,946
♪ A little bit of Jessica, here I am
102
00:05:38,988 --> 00:05:41,422
♪ A little bit of you makes me your man
103
00:05:41,468 --> 00:05:43,265
♪ Aah!
104
00:05:57,708 --> 00:05:59,505
♪ Aah!
105
00:06:00,788 --> 00:06:04,144
♪ Trumpet! The trumpet!
106
00:06:06,348 --> 00:06:09,579
- ♪ Mambo number five!
- ♪ Mambo number five! ♪
107
00:06:11,028 --> 00:06:14,145
Hello, this has been Jeff on
the Best Music Mix on 104.9 FM,
108
00:06:14,188 --> 00:06:16,907
with Lou Bega,
the choice of Leanne from Peterwood,
109
00:06:16,948 --> 00:06:18,939
the classic Mambo No. 5.
110
00:06:18,988 --> 00:06:20,819
If you fancy a night out tonight...
111
00:06:20,868 --> 00:06:22,460
I tell you what,
112
00:06:22,508 --> 00:06:25,864
he's got it sussed there with
all the women, hasn't he, auld Mambo?
113
00:06:25,908 --> 00:06:28,024
- Too right, Jim.
- (Laughs)
114
00:06:28,068 --> 00:06:30,946
Would you like
a little bit of Cheryl, Twiggy?
115
00:06:30,988 --> 00:06:34,105
You couldn't get
a little bit of Cheryl, Jim.
116
00:06:34,148 --> 00:06:36,662
(Both laughing)
117
00:06:36,708 --> 00:06:39,939
- Have you seen the size of her belly?
- Oh, it's not right, is it?
118
00:06:39,988 --> 00:06:43,025
- That much weight on a young girl.
- Oh, dear.
119
00:06:44,588 --> 00:06:46,306
Oh, 'ey.
120
00:06:46,348 --> 00:06:50,307
Hey, that was funny last week, with Dave
and the van, getting the police round.
121
00:06:50,348 --> 00:06:52,339
What?
122
00:06:52,388 --> 00:06:54,379
What was that? Dave? Our Dave?
123
00:06:55,268 --> 00:06:57,782
- Didrt he say nothing about it?
- No.
124
00:06:57,828 --> 00:07:00,820
- Oh, I can't tell you.
- No, come on, Twiggy, tell us.
125
00:07:00,868 --> 00:07:03,302
Oh, I can't, Jim. He'll go mad if I tell you.
126
00:07:03,348 --> 00:07:05,543
Go on, Twig, I won't say nothing, honest.
127
00:07:05,588 --> 00:07:08,102
Well, all right, I'll tell you, but listen.
128
00:07:08,148 --> 00:07:10,139
Don't let him know
you heard it from me.
129
00:07:10,188 --> 00:07:12,179
I won't say a word, Twig. Come on.
130
00:07:12,228 --> 00:07:14,219
Right, well. Last week,
131
00:07:14,268 --> 00:07:17,897
Dave nipped down to the chemist's
round the corner in the van
132
00:07:17,948 --> 00:07:21,179
and then walked back home,
forgot he bloody drove there.
133
00:07:21,228 --> 00:07:26,097
So the next morning, he gets up,
looks out, sees the vars missing,
134
00:07:26,148 --> 00:07:28,503
phones the police,
saying it's been robbed.
135
00:07:28,548 --> 00:07:32,985
Ten minutes later, the police find the van
outside the chemist's where he left it.
136
00:07:33,028 --> 00:07:36,737
The pillock! They nearly did him
for wasting police time.
137
00:07:41,468 --> 00:07:43,459
(Jim) Oh, the bloody soft sod.
138
00:07:43,508 --> 00:07:45,499
(Both laughing)
139
00:07:46,388 --> 00:07:49,824
- What are you two laughing at?
- Dave, the soft sod.
140
00:07:49,868 --> 00:07:53,383
Had the police looking for his van,
he'd left it outside the chemist's!
141
00:07:53,428 --> 00:07:55,180
The top hat!
142
00:07:55,228 --> 00:07:57,219
It's easily done, that, Jim.
143
00:07:57,268 --> 00:07:59,862
I bet the police
have a few of them every day.
144
00:07:59,908 --> 00:08:01,944
- (Sighs)
- Hey, Twiggy.
145
00:08:01,988 --> 00:08:05,458
Irt Baby David coming on?
Have you seen him recently?
146
00:08:05,508 --> 00:08:07,942
- Yeah, Barb. He's smashing.
- Yeah.
147
00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:11,537
It's why we're doing up this room,
you know. For the christening.
148
00:08:12,588 --> 00:08:15,022
Hey, Twiggy, you are still coming,
aren't you?
149
00:08:15,068 --> 00:08:17,343
Oh, yeah, Barb. Wouldrt miss that.
150
00:08:17,388 --> 00:08:20,698
Aah. Hey, you still going out
with that girl? What's she called?
151
00:08:21,388 --> 00:08:23,060
- Michelle?
- Yeah.
152
00:08:23,108 --> 00:08:25,986
- Yeah.
- Oh, why don't you bring her along?
153
00:08:26,028 --> 00:08:28,223
- (Mouths)
- You sure about that, Barb?
154
00:08:28,268 --> 00:08:30,782
Oh, yeah. More, the merrier.
155
00:08:31,788 --> 00:08:34,860
- You sure?
- No problem, Twig.
156
00:08:34,908 --> 00:08:36,705
Oh.
157
00:08:38,508 --> 00:08:41,022
- (Doorbell)
- Ooh. I'll get that.
158
00:08:45,508 --> 00:08:47,499
- Hiya, Dave. You all right?
- Hi.
159
00:08:47,548 --> 00:08:51,018
- Yeah.
- Oh, come in. Oh, hello, Baby David.
160
00:08:51,068 --> 00:08:55,505
And, hey, Jim, you watch it. Don't you
say a word about Dave and the van.
161
00:08:55,548 --> 00:08:57,539
I mean it.
162
00:08:57,588 --> 00:08:59,579
Twiggy, don't be worrying.
163
00:09:03,668 --> 00:09:06,421
- It's Dave.
- (Jim) All right, Dave?
164
00:09:06,468 --> 00:09:08,743
Where's the van?
165
00:09:09,828 --> 00:09:11,819
What?
166
00:09:11,868 --> 00:09:15,622
- I said, "How's your mam?"
- Oh, she's fine, thanks. Yeah.
167
00:09:15,668 --> 00:09:17,659
Shall I take him?
168
00:09:18,668 --> 00:09:24,504
Hello! It's your nana! Hello, darling.
169
00:09:24,548 --> 00:09:26,982
Your nana! Have you got a smile?
170
00:09:27,028 --> 00:09:29,940
Aww. Come and see your grandad.
171
00:09:30,788 --> 00:09:32,779
And here's Uncle Twiggy.
172
00:09:32,828 --> 00:09:34,659
- Hello!
- Hello, Baby Dave.
173
00:09:34,708 --> 00:09:36,460
- Hello!
- Aww.
174
00:09:36,508 --> 00:09:38,305
(Chuckling)
175
00:09:39,948 --> 00:09:41,461
Come on.
176
00:09:41,508 --> 00:09:44,068
How's Fag Ash Lil? Where is she?
177
00:09:44,108 --> 00:09:47,862
She's next door, she's having
a look at Cheryl's new, er...
178
00:09:47,908 --> 00:09:49,899
- scales.
- (Jim) Oh.
179
00:09:51,028 --> 00:09:54,259
Did you, er, drive here?
180
00:09:54,308 --> 00:09:56,299
- Yeah, I've come in the van.
- Oh.
181
00:09:57,988 --> 00:10:01,139
Where've you put it?
The van, I mean, you know.
182
00:10:01,188 --> 00:10:03,907
Just in case I've got to tell the coppers.
183
00:10:08,908 --> 00:10:11,297
Bet you've told him, haven't you?
184
00:10:13,548 --> 00:10:15,539
I told you not to.
185
00:10:16,508 --> 00:10:18,499
(Both laughing)
186
00:10:21,748 --> 00:10:26,697
I... You're all right, Dave.
Your secret's safe with me, son.
187
00:10:26,748 --> 00:10:28,739
I won't tell a bloody soul.
188
00:10:29,908 --> 00:10:33,184
Are we... going for a little drink afters
in the Feathers, Twig?
189
00:10:33,228 --> 00:10:35,025
Hey, you'd better not, Jim.
190
00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:37,662
You just give us a bloody hand
with this scraping
191
00:10:37,708 --> 00:10:39,699
and we'll say nowt.
192
00:10:43,508 --> 00:10:46,386
- Ta, Barb.
- Oh, can I have a bacon butty, please?
193
00:10:46,428 --> 00:10:49,147
Oh, course you can, Dave.
194
00:10:49,188 --> 00:10:52,703
Oh, Dave. I'm really sorry
the police had a go at you.
195
00:10:54,228 --> 00:10:56,264
Can I have some red sauce, please?
196
00:10:56,308 --> 00:10:58,299
Yeah, course you can.
197
00:11:00,108 --> 00:11:02,338
You should have got
a steamer for this, Jim.
198
00:11:02,388 --> 00:11:05,983
Bloody hell, Dave, don't you start.
For 15 pound a bloody day?
199
00:11:06,028 --> 00:11:09,987
Why do I need a steamer when I've got
two big soft melts like you? Come on.
200
00:11:18,428 --> 00:11:21,704
(Radio) # This is my moment
201
00:11:21,748 --> 00:11:28,699
♪ This is my perfect moment with you ♪
202
00:11:28,748 --> 00:11:30,420
There you go.
203
00:11:30,468 --> 00:11:34,620
Got to cook some bacon
for your daddy. I have.
204
00:11:34,668 --> 00:11:36,659
Ah! I have.
205
00:11:37,668 --> 00:11:39,226
Who's this?
206
00:11:39,268 --> 00:11:40,860
- Hiya, Mam.
- Hello, love.
207
00:11:40,908 --> 00:11:43,786
- Ah, are you all right?
- Yeah. Hiya, Cheryl.
208
00:11:43,828 --> 00:11:46,388
- Hi, Barbara.
- Hey, Baby Davey.
209
00:11:46,428 --> 00:11:48,578
- Hello.
- Hello. Aww.
210
00:11:48,628 --> 00:11:52,257
You're so gorgeous, aren't you?
You're so gorgeous. He's so gorgeous.
211
00:11:52,308 --> 00:11:54,458
He was so good for me all day yesterday.
212
00:11:54,508 --> 00:11:56,544
- Aah, was he?
- Yeah.
213
00:11:56,588 --> 00:12:00,217
Aww. Hey, Mam, Cheryl's just been
showing me her new scales.
214
00:12:00,268 --> 00:12:02,338
Oh, have you got some new scales,
Cheryl?
215
00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:04,504
- Yeah.
- Aww. What are they like?
216
00:12:04,548 --> 00:12:07,381
- Much more accurate.
- You mean you're lighter on them?
217
00:12:07,428 --> 00:12:09,896
- Yeah.
- Aww.
218
00:12:09,948 --> 00:12:14,021
Cheryl? Why don't you just take
little Baby David upstairs for a little while
219
00:12:14,068 --> 00:12:15,740
while me and Mam have a ciggy?
220
00:12:15,788 --> 00:12:18,700
All right.
Do you want to come upstairs with me?
221
00:12:18,748 --> 00:12:20,659
- With Auntie Cheryl?
- Bye-bye.
222
00:12:20,708 --> 00:12:22,938
- Say bye-bye.
- (Both) Bye-bye.
223
00:12:22,988 --> 00:12:27,220
- Say bye-bye.
- (AIl) Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
224
00:12:27,268 --> 00:12:29,463
Awww.
225
00:12:29,508 --> 00:12:32,898
- Cheryl?
- Yeah, OK.
226
00:12:32,948 --> 00:12:35,508
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye. Aww.
227
00:12:35,548 --> 00:12:37,539
- Here you are.
- Ta.
228
00:12:40,788 --> 00:12:43,348
- You are a good mother, Denise.
- Ta.
229
00:12:43,388 --> 00:12:46,186
Are you still doing
your pelvic floor exercises?
230
00:12:46,228 --> 00:12:48,503
I've not had time.
You know, with the baby.
231
00:12:48,548 --> 00:12:51,665
Oh, yeah. 'Ey, irt it good of Cheryl,
232
00:12:51,708 --> 00:12:55,257
using up her holidays
to look after Baby David?
233
00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:57,776
Well, she is his godmother, you know.
234
00:12:57,828 --> 00:13:00,547
- He is her responsibility.
- Yeah.
235
00:13:00,588 --> 00:13:04,422
You know, you will have to spend
a full day on your own with him soon.
236
00:13:04,468 --> 00:13:08,507
I know. But, post-baby fatigue.
What can you do?
237
00:13:27,628 --> 00:13:31,064
Oh, come on, Dave,
use a bit of bloody elbow grease.
238
00:13:36,068 --> 00:13:38,059
That's more like it.
239
00:13:48,868 --> 00:13:50,904
Are we doing the ceiling and all, Jim?
240
00:13:50,948 --> 00:13:54,304
Ceiling, my arse.
Hey, keep your bloody gob shut.
241
00:14:18,108 --> 00:14:20,178
He's gone down.
242
00:14:20,228 --> 00:14:22,219
- Who?
- Baby David.
243
00:14:22,268 --> 00:14:24,736
- Aww.
- (Sighs)
244
00:14:27,028 --> 00:14:30,464
- Is that bacon, Barbara?
- Yeah, I'm making Dave a bacon butty.
245
00:14:30,508 --> 00:14:33,147
- Do you want one?
- Yeah, thanks.
246
00:14:34,068 --> 00:14:36,707
- Do you want one, Denise?
- Yeah.
247
00:14:36,748 --> 00:14:39,182
Oh, er, no. No.
248
00:14:39,228 --> 00:14:41,219
Ooh, yeah. No.
249
00:14:43,028 --> 00:14:45,861
If you make it and she doesn't want it,
I'll have it.
250
00:14:45,908 --> 00:14:48,058
(Barbara) Aww. Thanks, Cheryl.
251
00:14:53,028 --> 00:14:55,747
- Do you know they're stripping the wall?
- Oh, I know.
252
00:14:55,788 --> 00:14:59,906
It's for Baby David's christening.
It's only three weeks away, Cheryl.
253
00:14:59,948 --> 00:15:03,736
- Oh!
- I'm tired even thinking about it.
254
00:15:03,788 --> 00:15:07,463
And I've got another six pound to lose
before I get into a size ten.
255
00:15:08,108 --> 00:15:10,099
Yeah. Me too.
256
00:15:12,388 --> 00:15:14,379
(Door opens)
257
00:15:17,748 --> 00:15:21,502
- Got owt to eat, Mam?
- Oh. "Hiya, Cheryl. Hiya, Denise.
258
00:15:21,548 --> 00:15:23,857
"Hiya, Mam." I don't know, Antony.
259
00:15:25,588 --> 00:15:27,783
- Hiya, Cheryl.
- Hiya, Antony.
260
00:15:27,828 --> 00:15:30,342
- Hiya, Darren.
- Hiya, Cheryl.
261
00:15:30,388 --> 00:15:33,425
- Hiya, Denise.
- Hiya, Antony.
262
00:15:33,468 --> 00:15:35,823
- Hiya, Darren.
- Hiya, Denise.
263
00:15:35,868 --> 00:15:38,860
- Oh, hiya, Darren.
- Hiya, Barbara.
264
00:15:38,908 --> 00:15:40,899
- Got owt to eat, Mam?
- No.
265
00:15:46,548 --> 00:15:48,300
- Hiya, Dave.
- Hiya, Ant.
266
00:15:48,348 --> 00:15:50,259
- Hiya, Dave.
- Hiya, Darren.
267
00:15:50,308 --> 00:15:51,980
- Hiya, Dave.
- Hiya, Cheryl.
268
00:15:52,028 --> 00:15:53,859
- Barbara.
- Hiya, Dave.
269
00:15:53,908 --> 00:15:56,866
- No, can I have me bacon butty, please?
- Oh!
270
00:15:56,908 --> 00:15:58,899
Yeah.
271
00:16:01,348 --> 00:16:03,737
- There you are.
- Thanks, Barbara.
272
00:16:05,988 --> 00:16:08,707
Hey. You know Darren in there?
273
00:16:08,748 --> 00:16:11,706
- You know who he's seeing, don't you?
- Who?
274
00:16:11,748 --> 00:16:14,216
Big Julie from Argos.
275
00:16:14,268 --> 00:16:17,021
The one who looks like Tina Turner. Ugh!
276
00:16:17,068 --> 00:16:19,138
- Big Julie from Argos?
- Yeah.
277
00:16:19,188 --> 00:16:23,227
- How old is she?
- Late 30s or something. About 36, 37.
278
00:16:23,268 --> 00:16:25,259
38, 39. Something like that.
279
00:16:26,188 --> 00:16:29,817
Bloody hell, she's twice his age.
Darren hasn't even started shaving.
280
00:16:29,868 --> 00:16:32,746
Nothing wrong with that, Jim.
She's a divorced woman.
281
00:16:32,788 --> 00:16:34,904
I wouldn't mind having a pop at it meself.
282
00:16:34,948 --> 00:16:38,657
Oh, bugger off, will you, Twiggy?
Big Julie from Argos?
283
00:16:38,708 --> 00:16:41,222
Hey, that big bride with our little Darren.
284
00:16:41,268 --> 00:16:43,862
She could have him
for bloody breakfast, her.
285
00:16:43,908 --> 00:16:48,743
His spuds have only just dropped and
Tina Turner's already got hold of 'em!
286
00:16:53,148 --> 00:16:54,866
You're havir that, Dave.
287
00:16:56,628 --> 00:16:59,188
Oh, that was lovely. Thanks, Barbara.
288
00:17:02,468 --> 00:17:05,904
I don't know how you can eat
mayonnaise and ketchup together.
289
00:17:05,948 --> 00:17:09,623
(Radio) # We can take forever,
just one minute at a time
290
00:17:09,668 --> 00:17:11,465
♪ Whoa
291
00:17:12,428 --> 00:17:16,660
♪ More than a woman
♪ More than a woman
292
00:17:16,708 --> 00:17:18,938
♪ More than a woman to me
293
00:17:18,988 --> 00:17:21,138
♪ Whoa
294
00:17:21,188 --> 00:17:25,022
♪ More than a woman
♪ More than a woman ♪
295
00:17:25,068 --> 00:17:27,866
(Twiggy) You'll never guess
who I saw in the Feathers.
296
00:17:27,908 --> 00:17:30,547
- Who, Twig?
- Black Roy and his white wife.
297
00:17:30,588 --> 00:17:33,785
Black Roy and his white wife?
I haven't seen him for ages.
298
00:17:33,828 --> 00:17:37,025
- Or her. How are they?
- He's put a right load of weight on.
299
00:17:37,068 --> 00:17:40,538
Has he? The lazy sod. That's because
he doesn't look after himself.
300
00:17:40,588 --> 00:17:43,546
She waits on him hand and bloody foot.
301
00:17:43,588 --> 00:17:46,546
- Who's that, Jim?
- Black Roy's white wife.
302
00:17:46,588 --> 00:17:50,501
Anyway, they were telling me they've
sorted themselves out with Sky Digital.
303
00:17:50,548 --> 00:17:52,584
Oh, they would have, that bloody pair.
304
00:17:52,628 --> 00:17:57,748
He hasn't been around cos he's been
getting his money's won'th. The tight get.
305
00:18:00,628 --> 00:18:03,188
(Dave) Have they got Sky Digital,
then, Twiggy?
306
00:18:03,228 --> 00:18:05,025
Yeah.
307
00:18:05,068 --> 00:18:07,582
Have they got all the channels
and everything?
308
00:18:07,628 --> 00:18:10,461
Yeah, they've got the lot.
309
00:18:10,508 --> 00:18:14,501
- Have they got the movie channels?
- Yeah, they've got the lot.
310
00:18:14,548 --> 00:18:17,665
Have they got
Sky Sports 1, 2 and 3 channels?
311
00:18:17,708 --> 00:18:19,858
- (Jim sighs)
- Yeah, they've got the lot.
312
00:18:19,908 --> 00:18:24,106
- Have they got the Discovery Channel?
- Yes! They've got the bloody lot!
313
00:18:24,148 --> 00:18:27,697
The jammy get! Can't you bloody
understand what he's saying?
314
00:18:27,748 --> 00:18:29,739
Ohhh, blimey.
315
00:18:34,068 --> 00:18:36,138
Are you still getting Sky Digital, Jim?
316
00:18:36,188 --> 00:18:39,498
What's the bloody point?
I don't get to watch the bloody box, do I,
317
00:18:39,548 --> 00:18:41,903
with all the work
I've got to do in this house?
318
00:18:41,948 --> 00:18:43,939
Ohhh, blimey.
319
00:18:49,828 --> 00:18:53,821
Oh, Cheryl, I forgot to ask you.
How's your dad's ingrowing toenail?
320
00:18:54,548 --> 00:18:57,426
Oh, he still can't get his shoe on,
Barbara.
321
00:18:57,468 --> 00:19:00,187
- Aww.
- He's resting his foot on a pouf.
322
00:19:00,228 --> 00:19:02,105
(Antony and Darren giggling)
323
00:19:07,188 --> 00:19:09,179
How old are you two?
324
00:19:19,988 --> 00:19:23,264
(Dave) Hey, Twiggy, you still
keeping an eye out for a car for me?
325
00:19:23,308 --> 00:19:27,665
Yeah, Dave. Only I'm not having
a lot of luck in your price range.
326
00:19:27,708 --> 00:19:31,098
200 quid isn't much for a car
these days, you know.
327
00:19:31,148 --> 00:19:34,424
Mind you, I might have found something.
328
00:19:34,468 --> 00:19:37,107
- Oh, have you, Twig?
- Yeah.
329
00:19:37,148 --> 00:19:41,619
I'll tell you what. It's a smooth,
very quiet, nice little runner.
330
00:19:42,668 --> 00:19:44,659
- Ooh, is it?
- Yeah.
331
00:19:45,468 --> 00:19:48,346
- There is one little drawback.
- What's that?
332
00:19:48,388 --> 00:19:50,379
It's a milk float.
333
00:19:50,428 --> 00:19:52,225
(Jim cackles)
334
00:19:52,268 --> 00:19:55,465
Hey, that'd just suit you, Dave.
You'd look bloody great in it.
335
00:19:55,508 --> 00:19:58,545
You could drop me a yogurt off
every morning.
336
00:20:00,748 --> 00:20:03,308
Actually, though, it's not a bad idea, that,
337
00:20:03,348 --> 00:20:05,464
cos I could get me moped
on the back of it.
338
00:20:05,508 --> 00:20:07,464
Why would you wanna do that, Dave?
339
00:20:07,508 --> 00:20:11,183
Well, if I wanted to take me moped
anywhere, I could get it on the back.
340
00:20:11,228 --> 00:20:13,822
You'd drive the bloody thing there,
wouldn't you?
341
00:20:13,868 --> 00:20:15,984
Come on, Dave, get a grip, son.
342
00:20:16,028 --> 00:20:17,700
Oh, yeah?
343
00:20:17,748 --> 00:20:20,945
You're not doing
your community service today, Darren?
344
00:20:20,988 --> 00:20:23,263
- I did it this morning.
- Oh.
345
00:20:23,308 --> 00:20:26,698
- How much have you got left to do?
- Another year.
346
00:20:26,748 --> 00:20:29,546
Aww. Well, it'll soon go.
347
00:20:29,588 --> 00:20:32,182
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
348
00:20:32,228 --> 00:20:34,901
Might make you think twice
about doing it again.
349
00:20:34,948 --> 00:20:36,939
Yeah.
350
00:20:36,988 --> 00:20:39,138
How many times have you done it now?
351
00:20:39,188 --> 00:20:40,667
Twice.
352
00:20:40,708 --> 00:20:43,586
How many times have you been caught?
353
00:20:43,628 --> 00:20:46,267
- Er... twice.
- Oh.
354
00:20:46,308 --> 00:20:48,378
- Has it taught you a lesson?
- Yeah.
355
00:20:48,428 --> 00:20:50,419
Don't get caught!
356
00:20:52,148 --> 00:20:54,139
Nice one.
357
00:21:00,508 --> 00:21:03,341
- Aah! Bloody hell, Jim!
- Ah, Jim.
358
00:21:03,388 --> 00:21:05,458
That's bloody terrible, that is.
359
00:21:05,508 --> 00:21:09,979
That's not me, Twiggy. That's the old
wallpaper paste that you're smelling.
360
00:21:10,028 --> 00:21:11,984
It's not, it's your arse, mate.
361
00:21:12,028 --> 00:21:14,019
You want raking out, you, Jim.
362
00:21:16,668 --> 00:21:20,547
I'll tell you what, Dave. Your ex
was in the Feathers and all last night.
363
00:21:20,588 --> 00:21:22,977
- Oh, who?
- Beverley Macca.
364
00:21:23,028 --> 00:21:25,462
- Oh.
- She was looking a treat.
365
00:21:25,508 --> 00:21:28,545
High heels, fishnets,
short white leather skirt.
366
00:21:28,588 --> 00:21:32,024
Low-cut top, baps out, the lot.
She looked the biz.
367
00:21:32,068 --> 00:21:34,263
Bloody hell. What's her face like, Twig?
368
00:21:34,308 --> 00:21:37,027
I've never managed to look that high up.
369
00:21:38,428 --> 00:21:42,421
Heh! I tell you what, Dave, you slipped up
there. Dumping her for our Denise?
370
00:21:42,468 --> 00:21:45,221
I wouldn't mind
looking for Luxembourg there, eh?
371
00:21:45,268 --> 00:21:47,224
What do you mean?
372
00:21:47,268 --> 00:21:49,577
Well, tuning in
with the old chapel hat pegs!
373
00:21:49,628 --> 00:21:51,425
(Whistles)
374
00:21:52,548 --> 00:21:54,664
You know what I'm talking about,
Twiglet.
375
00:21:54,708 --> 00:21:59,657
I do, Jim. Hey. I know you're not
supposed to say this in this day and age,
376
00:21:59,708 --> 00:22:01,744
what with the millennium and all that,
377
00:22:01,788 --> 00:22:04,461
but you cannot beat
a great pair of knockers.
378
00:22:04,508 --> 00:22:05,987
- No.
- Oh, that's true, lad.
379
00:22:06,028 --> 00:22:08,417
Personality doesn't keep you
warm at night.
380
00:22:08,468 --> 00:22:11,619
- No.
- You can't play with a personality.
381
00:22:11,668 --> 00:22:16,219
No. But you can play with a bloody
big pair of baps, though! Phwooar.
382
00:22:16,268 --> 00:22:18,259
- Too true, Twig.
- Yep.
383
00:22:18,308 --> 00:22:21,266
Hey, Darren, can you get us
any more of them cheap ciggies?
384
00:22:21,308 --> 00:22:24,459
- Oh, not any more, Denise, no.
- Aww, why not?
385
00:22:24,508 --> 00:22:26,897
Well, me mam got fired
from the off-licence.
386
00:22:26,948 --> 00:22:31,464
(Barbara) Aww. Hey, Darren. What
happened with your Uncle Jack's pub?
387
00:22:31,508 --> 00:22:33,817
Oh, he got the money back
off the insurance.
388
00:22:35,228 --> 00:22:36,980
And was it him that burnt it down?
389
00:22:37,028 --> 00:22:40,100
- Yeah!
- Hmm. (Chuckles)
390
00:22:42,628 --> 00:22:44,744
Are you a tit or a leg man, Dave?
391
00:22:44,788 --> 00:22:46,779
Like a bit of both, really.
392
00:22:47,748 --> 00:22:49,943
I thought you was more of a tit head!
393
00:22:54,108 --> 00:22:57,225
Hey. I'll tell you who I don't mind
being on the box.
394
00:22:57,268 --> 00:23:00,658
What do they call her? You know,
the other one. What's her name?
395
00:23:00,708 --> 00:23:02,778
- The auld one. Helen Mirren.
- Oh, aye.
396
00:23:02,828 --> 00:23:06,582
I know she's knocking on a bit, but she
still doesn't mind flipping them out.
397
00:23:06,628 --> 00:23:08,027
- Ooh-hoo!
- Who's that?
398
00:23:08,068 --> 00:23:10,536
- Helen Mirren!
- Her from Prime Suspect.
399
00:23:10,588 --> 00:23:13,546
Oh, her, ooh,
she don't mind flipping them.
400
00:23:13,588 --> 00:23:16,386
I'll tell you what.
Everything she's in, they're out.
401
00:23:16,428 --> 00:23:19,147
There's still plenty of life
in them knockers.
402
00:23:19,188 --> 00:23:22,783
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, definitely.
- Too true.
403
00:23:22,828 --> 00:23:26,218
(Antony as Ali G) What is the acoustic
like in here? Shall we test it?
404
00:23:26,268 --> 00:23:27,462
Hear me now!
405
00:23:27,508 --> 00:23:31,262
(Both) ♪ Ride the punani,
ride the punani ♪
406
00:23:31,308 --> 00:23:33,299
Mm, it's a good acoustic.
407
00:23:33,348 --> 00:23:35,339
- Wicked! Booyakasha.
- Booyakasha.
408
00:23:35,388 --> 00:23:36,821
- West side.
- West side.
409
00:23:36,868 --> 00:23:38,824
- Oh, it's class. So top.
- Proper top.
410
00:23:38,868 --> 00:23:41,940
Why don't you and Darren
go in there with Dad and the lads?
411
00:23:41,988 --> 00:23:44,183
No way, he'll have us
doing the stripping.
412
00:23:44,228 --> 00:23:46,822
- You're a right lazy get, you.
- No, you are.
413
00:23:46,868 --> 00:23:48,540
- No, you are.
- No, you are.
414
00:23:48,588 --> 00:23:50,658
- No, you are. You are.
- No, you are.
415
00:23:50,708 --> 00:23:53,586
- No, you are. You're a lazy get.
- Antony.
416
00:23:53,628 --> 00:23:56,301
I'm a full-time mother.
Mam, will you tell him?
417
00:23:56,348 --> 00:23:59,863
- Antony!
- Come on, Darren, let's go in there.
418
00:23:59,908 --> 00:24:03,423
(Jim) He said, "I'll take half a Viagra
to stop pissing on me shoes!"
419
00:24:03,468 --> 00:24:05,459
(Roars of laughter)
420
00:24:06,428 --> 00:24:07,986
- Nice work.
- All right, Ant?
421
00:24:08,028 --> 00:24:09,746
- All right.
- All right, Darren?
422
00:24:09,788 --> 00:24:12,700
- All right, Twig.
- Hello, Lurchio.
423
00:24:12,748 --> 00:24:15,501
- Hello, Casanova!
- (Twiggy) Oh-ho-ho!
424
00:24:15,548 --> 00:24:18,665
(Jim) # Simply the best
425
00:24:18,708 --> 00:24:22,906
♪ Better than all the rest
426
00:24:22,948 --> 00:24:26,782
♪ Better than anyone
427
00:24:26,828 --> 00:24:30,059
♪ Anyone I ever met ♪
428
00:24:30,108 --> 00:24:32,986
- (AII laughing)
- (Jim) Hey! Hey, killer.
429
00:24:33,028 --> 00:24:36,543
(Dave) I bet you're her...
(AIl) # Private dancer
430
00:24:36,588 --> 00:24:38,977
♪ Dancing for money
431
00:24:39,028 --> 00:24:43,340
♪ Do what you want me to do
♪ Ha-ha-ha
432
00:24:43,388 --> 00:24:45,982
♪ I'm your private dancer
433
00:24:46,028 --> 00:24:48,144
♪ Dancing for money
434
00:24:48,188 --> 00:24:51,385
♪ Any old music will do ♪
435
00:24:52,468 --> 00:24:56,222
Have you seen her Nutbush city limits?
436
00:24:56,268 --> 00:24:58,259
(Cheering and laughter)
437
00:24:59,108 --> 00:25:01,702
♪ So what do you say?
438
00:25:01,748 --> 00:25:06,742
♪ You can't give me the dreams
that are mine anyway
439
00:25:06,788 --> 00:25:10,337
♪ You're half the world away
440
00:25:10,948 --> 00:25:14,497
♪ Half the world away
441
00:25:15,108 --> 00:25:18,418
♪ Half the world away
442
00:25:18,468 --> 00:25:23,303
♪ I've been lost, I've been found
but I don't feel down
443
00:25:24,508 --> 00:25:28,262
♪ No, I don't feel down
444
00:25:28,908 --> 00:25:31,741
♪ No, I don't feel down
445
00:25:32,908 --> 00:25:35,041
♪ No, I don't feel down ♪
35231
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