Original subtitles

Jarl Varg deserves to die in the most gruesome manner

for what he did to my family.

And so it is extremely important

that everyone keep their mouth shut about our plan.

No bragging about us assembling an army

to overthrow Jarl Varg, and things like that.

I can't stress enough how important it is

that Jarl Varg does not get wind of this. Okay?

- Okay. - Okay.

You can definitely rely on me.

I won't say a word to Jarl Varg.

- Good. - In exchange for a handsome reward,

or my name isn't Vidkun the Treacherous.

That name doesn't exactly inspire confidence.

What? Hmm?

- Vidkun? - No, the other name.

Your last name. "The Treacherous."

Okay.

I actually thought you were a leader that judged people based on their merits,

not their names, but...

maybe I was mistaken. Hm.

No, of course not,

but, I mean, it's a special name.

I mean, it's special to be called "the Treacherous."

Sure. But most likely I got that name because...

I'm so incredibly trustworthy.

- Okay. - Yeah.

Because I've kept so many secrets over the years

that it's almost overwhelming, so they gave me this ironic nickname.

It's just that I've never heard about ironic Viking names before.

Right, okay.

So, I take it you've heard

every Viking name in all of Norway?

- No. - No, exactly.

Because then we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Because there's a lot of people with ironic names.

A lot of people, all around.

- Really? - Yeah.

And when it comes to my treacherous-looking face,

- it's mostly the same deal. - Yeah?

You know, don't judge the book by its cover, and all that.

So, the fact that I look treacherous...

means I'm actually not.

You know, you're absolutely right. I'm sorry. I apologize.

But anyway, it's extremely important

that no one reveals that I am planning

a large-scale campaign against Jarl Varg.

It has to come as a surprise.

- Okay. - Okay.

Okay. I won't let you down, Jarl Bjørn.

I swear...

on my honor.

And here's the groom.

- You wanted to talk about something? - Yes, yes... um,

there was something at your bachelor party that was a bit disturbing.

It got pretty wild. But boys will be boys.

It didn't get wild at all, but there was something else.

That part about, uh...

intimacy with the opposite sex.

Yeah, I know all about that.

- Yeah, but... - Yeah.

- You can never know too much, Orm. - Oh, yes, you can.

No. And your wedding night is approaching,

and Frøya, you know, she has, uh, been around.

So, uh...

I thought we should have a refresher course in here.

But...

- You want us to go inside and... - Yes. Now.

Yes, it's quite unorthodox,

but, I suppose, as brothers, it's kind of natural as well,

when you think about it, so...

But, maybe then, you can start on me,

and then I'll penetrate you afterwards.

- Huh? - Or are you sexing me first?

- It makes no difference. - What... No, not at all.

- Orm, no, nothing like that. - No... No, I know.

Because that would be very unusual.

I just... Because you were... No. No, no.

Bygones.

There I am in position.

- Are you comfortable? - Yes.

So, that's when the sexual interaction between man and woman begins.

So, now I insert the needle into the vagina.

- Once? - No, repeatedly.

Ooh, yeah.

Yes, and that's very pleasing for the woman.

- Then you find a nice rhythm. - Hmm.

Now you can have a chant going in your head. Then you keep that rhythm.

Like this.

Pay attention now. You're not paying attention, Orm.

'Cause if you make an arch with your back now,

it's very pleasurable for the woman.

And then you can look at the woman's face and see that she's very satisfied.

And you can increase the rhythm.

And that's how you produce a fountain orgasm, Orm.

But that's more advanced materials.

Yes!

But that's the next step.

You shouldn't go there quite yet.

You should just focus on the geography, for starters.

Yes, question.

Um, just to clarify,

- uh, the sac with balls in it... - Hm?

It's just supposed to dangle there, aimlessly?

It's not supposed to be inserted anywhere?

No.

Oh, so the sac isn't supposed to go into the other hole?

- What? No, no, no. - No?

But they could just as well, right? I mean, it isn't impossible.

That's more or less a question of what you're used to, right?

It's simply not how it works, Orm, I'm sorry.

No, but it >could work that way. That's my point.

No, but that's not the point, because that's not how it works.

No, maybe not in Norway, but in other countries

it may very well be the norm, as far as we know.

- I strongly doubt it. - Yes, but you don't know.

In other countries, it may be completely unnatural

to sex without sticking your sac into the back hole.

- No. - Yes, and then they

have the same discussion there as we're having now, just the opposite.

That's my point.

But apart from that, it was...

interesting.

That's exactly what I was afraid of.

They totally bonded after that bachelor party last night.

It was a little bit of a bummer that we missed it.

Speaking of which...

have you heard anything else about the seating arrangement?

We gonna sit together?

We have to sit together, Varg.

I just get so stressed thinking about small talk with strangers.

I get the impression that everyone is good at it but me.

Frøya, are you in there?

Yeah.

Yeah, you're still here. No cold feet or anything?

Why would I get that?

No, no reason. No reason at all.

Yeah, Frøya...

now you're going to be one of my closest warriors,

so you're gonna need a little equipment.

Here's the latest in sword, ax and dagger, yeah.

Not that so much has happened in that field the last,

let's say 1,000 years, but uh...

this is supposed to be the latest.

And then I had leather armor made for you.

I... I wasn't quite sure about, um...

but, yeah, see if you can use it.

And, Frøya, I had a wedding dress sewn for you,

because, you know, your clothes are... different.

Okay.

You will look radiant.

Yes. Yeah.

Just, uh... one little thing.

Don't go around digging about how Orm is as a person and stuff like that.

That's my clear advice.

Why?

Um... you know.

Lots of envious people talk.

Yeah, that's what I mean. People talk.

- Wow, look at him. - Wow!

Feels a bit strange, I've never met the person I'm about to marry.

You've been very fortunate, to say the least.

- You'll do great, Orm. - You bet.

I'm just going to be myself. That's my plan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or I'm thinking, maybe not be too much yourself?

Good point.

Why not?

I'm saying this... only to help you, Orm, I really want you to understand that.

But you have a slight tendency to be a little clingy.

Some people sometimes feel that you could be a little bit intense.

Yes, and very, very suffocating.

- You are. - Hm?

You are intense and clingy and suffocating.

There, I said it. The cat's out of the bag.

- Orm... - And you, too, Hildur, by the way.

When I think about it, you have a very clingy personality.

Orm, it was just well-meaning advice.

"Don't be yourself."

- Worst advice ever is duly noted. - Orm!

- By Thor and Odin. - Hmm?

This is a veritable bonanza of powerful people.

Oh. Well...

Just one glance at the power elite

and my clit pops to attention.

Well...

- Is this seat available? - I think there are some seats here, yeah.

So, then, we are at the wedding.

- What? - Yeah.

- We are at the wedding. - Oh, yeah, we are at the wedding.

- Yeah, that's true. - Yes.

I have to hurry and rub one out now.

Yeah!

Well, it's been a while.

Maybe that would be a little exciting.

- Mm. - A little "daring" and...

improper, even.

Come on, let's go.

You just stay put, Olvar. This is something I have to do on my own.

Oh.

Yeah...

So, uh, what's your connection to the bride and groom?

- Uh. We know the groom. - Yeah.

- Yeah, we're from Norheim. - From here.

You're from here?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

You enjoy living in Norheim?

Yeah, it's, uh... it's nice.

- Mm. - Sure.

- Absolutely. - Yeah, I just had time to...

look around a little before things started up here, so...

And it looks real nice.

- Yeah, it's... - In good condition, and it's...

You know. Yeah. I guess "good condition" is the way to put it.

- Yeah, I guess you can say that. It's... - Yeah.

Although, it's a little exposed to the elements, but...

Yeah, that's why we live up here in the north.

This country is an acquired taste.

- A what? - An acquired taste.

Yeah... Yeah.

Okay.

I have to be allowed to joke a little bit.

Oh, that was... You were joking!

- I was joking. - Yeah, okay, I didn't get it.

I like joking every now and then.

So much is serious and miserable in these Viking times.

- Yeah, that's true. - Yeah.

Yeah.

You can't help but complain. Isn't that what they say?

I don't know, is it?

- I'm sure it is, since you say it. - Yeah. It is.

That was a joke, too.

- Okay. - Wow.

Can I have some more to drink?

He is perfect.

She is perfect. style="style1">What I just said, she is perfect.

That's why I keep going on about our vision

being the most important sense.

I mean, we register up to 80% of impressions

through our eyes.

And if other senses, like the sense of smell or the sense of taste,

should stop working, the eyes are what best protect us against danger.

The eyes rule, they are indispensable.

Sorry for interrupting, but does anyone feel like getting blóted?

Anyone feel the call?

Tina?

But blóting, what is it, exactly?

You're sliced open and drained of blood.

And then the Vikings use that blood to decorate the bride and groom,

and then they feed your body to the pigs.

- It's very honorable, just so that's said. - Mm.

I mean, it doesn't sound all that honorable,

to be sliced open and bled out like some kind of party trick.

Well, when you put it that way, it's not very tempting,

but it's a lot more than that.

You get to be the center of attention at the party for a brief moment.

Maybe you can find some meaning in that.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm pretty sure that God's plan for me

does not include being sacrificed in some ritual.

Can't we just go democratic and vote on it?

Yeah, I think that's fair.

Yeah, that's mega-fair. I mean, then it could be any one of us.

So, everyone in favor of sacrificing, um...

Vegard, raise your hand.

Okay, I actually reserve the right to disagree with the majority here.

Yes, but the motive of each individual

weighs the same in collective decision-making.

Good point, and we have to have decision equality.

Anything else would be madness.

Yes.

But I have the right to be a bit disappointed. Thank you.

Where was I?

The eyes. When you wake up in the morning, what's the first thing you do?

You open your eyes.

Orm.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Oh! Ooh.

Thank you.

This is exciting, no?

- A brand-new chapter in life, and all. - Yeah.

You look, uh... pretty strong, I must say.

- Very... - Yeah?

Muscle arms and all.

To me, that's very appealing.

- Yeah? - Oh, yes.

Well, I guess I've always been a tomboy.

Me, too.

- Hm? - Or what is it they've always said?

Uh, a... a...

a girl boy.

- Uh-huh. - Yeah.

Here...

is a gift from me to you,

wishing you all the best and a happy...

long marriage.

- Thank you, thank you. - Thank you.

Exciting. Can we open now?

Yes, please.

Wow.

Toothies.

- From human? - Yes, this is an assorted selection.

- Here, we have a peg leg. - Hm.

- A redhead. - Hm.

Midget. A Mongoloid.

And a hooker.

- Orm, don't you like them? - No, no, no. I like them.

I like them, uh, very much. I enjoy teeth.

Oh, that's very good. It would be so sad if...

this wonderful gift

only collected... dust.

No, no, no, uh...

it's a fantastic gift.

And we both appreciate it, uh, immensely.

I'm pleased with that.

- Is this from Jarl Bjørn? - Yes.

That's a fantastic gift.

Unfortunately he couldn't be here, but I hear he's a wonderful man.

- He's alive? - Yes.

It looks to me like you're getting a bit thin up top, Varg.

Male pattern baldness!

Male pattern baldness! Male pattern baldness!

Varg, you have a receding hairline.

- Thick hair is more important... - Than a thick cock.

No one can love a bald man.

It appears I have work to do.

Dear friends,

only one item remains for this marriage to be complete.

The sacrifice of a slave.

Aw!

Please promise me that this marriage will last.

Otherwise, this feels kind of pointless from my perspective.

- Yes. - Yeah.

Yeah, sure, marriage, uh, is for life.

Yeah.

Yeah, 'cause I'm sacrificing my life here. So, it would be nice to know

- that it's actually worth it. - Yes, yes, yes.

But enough about that, and enough about you.

Yeah, sorry.

Woo-hoo!

Just imagine, Frøya, from now on it's just you and me

for the rest of our lives, every day and every night.

- Imagine that. - Yes. Every morning when you wake up,

I'll be there, and every night when you go to bed, I'll be there.

And, yeah.

Well, uh, it may be a good idea

to have some time alone, too.

Or maybe not. I'm thinking more like every meal together

and every vacation together. And your friends are now my friends,

and my friends are yours. And then, we can have hobbies together as well,

so we get even more time together. Do you crochet?

- No. - No.

What about your knitting? That's almost just the same.

- No. - No?

No... Uh, songs and poetry, is that maybe a common passion?

Uh...

- No. - No.

Or pine cone animals, do you make those?

- No. - No?

Do you collect pearls?

- No. - No? Do you collect ordinary seashells?

- No. - No.

But no matter what, I know you're gonna love those things very soon,

- and no matter what, we'll be inseparable. - Yes.

- We'll be like peas in a pod. - Yes.

We'll be like those twins that are connected from birth,

that we haven't given a specific name yet.

- Uh-huh. - Just... Ooh!

Did anything happen while I was gone?

Well, they got married.

It was a beautiful ceremony.

- Full of tears and... - Sorry, I kind of lost myself out there.

- Yeah. - The hours just flew by.

I had to go for a double.

Right.

But I still have tons of sexual tension in my body.

Well, I'm at your service.

Can you give me some bread? I'm starving. I have to... Mm.

There you go.

Stop it!

- Hund. - We were just talking here,

but I was just taking a little breather from talking.

- We are leaving. - Are you okay?

I feel great.

Huge plans of vengeance are growing inside me.

Come.

- Everything okay, Varg? - Yes.

I'm taking 10% of all the presents.

You're taking presents?

Yes. Taxes. Standard procedure.

And Odin knows,

we need all the taxes we can get these days.

Okay.

Anything in particular going on?

Dark clouds are on the horizon, Olav.

War...

is brewing.

I see, but, um...

aren't we pretty much at war all the time?

Yes, but a little bit bigger war than before.

A little bit bigger war is brewing than before, Olav.

Let's see. Let's see.

There we are... No.

No, wait, wait.

Is it supposed to be impossible to find your own pee stick?

No, it shouldn't be.

No, but it's... There!

There it was, the little rascal.

Let's see. Let's see.

- Am I inside you now? - No.

There! I am inside.

Fabulous.

What a feeling.

- Wonderful. - Still not inside me.

What? Then I must ask you to double-check,

because I am absolutely certain that I am actually inside of you.

No.

No. Turn around.

Then... there. Like that. style= "style1" >- Woo!

"style2" >Like that. Like that!

That was something else.