Original subtitles

(whimsical music)

(telephone ringing)

- O'Hara residence.

- Yeah, uncle Martin.

Look, would you please look on the inside

of my new plaid coat,

and see if there's some notes there

on that new East Asian country?

(levitation whooping)

(Arabian music)

- Uh-huh, yes.

Uh-huh, the republic of Kobima.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

I remember there, I visited there 150 years ago

when it was a colony and just starting it's first fight

for independence.

- Oh, well, look.

Would you bring the notes in as fast as you can?

Yeah, well, the deadline's coming up,

and Burns is screaming for my copy.

- Well, I don't like demoted

from a respected anthropologist for Mars

to a copy boy on the Los Angeles Sun,

but I'll be there.

(audience laughing)

(phone ringing)

- Hello.

Oh, no, not yet, Mr. Burns.

Well, he should've been here an hour ago.

I don't know, Mr. Burns,

maybe he got an accident in the freeway or something,

but I'm worried about him.

Yes, Mr. Burns, I'm also worried about getting the story in.

Well now, just one minute!

I'm sorry, Mr Burns.

Yes, sir.

Uncle Martin, are you all right?

- Of course, I'm all right.

- You weren't in an accident or anything?

- No, no, look what I've got.

I stopped at this little electronics factory,

and I picked up this transducer,

which will aid me in repairing my communications systems

on the space ship.

- And my notes?

- Oh, yes, oh, the notes.

- Thanks a lot.

I missed deadline,

and Mr Burns blew his top.

- I'm sorry, Tim.

- Look, uncle Martin, I don't ask a lot of you,

but I needed this, and you let me down.

I hope that you and your transducer will be very happy

because I'm not.

(music intensifies)

(whimsical music)

(upbeat music)

(whimsical music)

- Tim.

Tim, did I ever show you a Martian card trick?

- Please, uncle Martin, some other time.

- They're like the card trick students do at football games.

Watch.

(audience laughing)

- Will you please stop trying to cheer up

and just let me wallow in my own misery?

(audience laughing)

- I really am sorry.

- I know, I know you're sorry.

Just forget it.

- And it wasn't really a big story.

- It was my assignment,

and that's how I make the money to pay the rent,

and buy the food that we both eat.

- That was a low blow.

- Well, I'm feeling pretty low.

Look, if you had called me,

I wouldn't have stopped on the way.

- Not even if you met the most beautiful girl in the world?

(audience laughing)

Thank you for a frank answer.

Did you know that Kobima was named

after Jakobar's great grandfather?

He was the first leader of the rebellion,

the George Washington of his people, and a very wise

and great man.

- How did you know that?

- We were buddies.

I'm an old, old friend of the family.

- Oh, that's right, yes, I keep forgetting

that you're 450 years old.

- Give or take a hundred years or so.

I used a few of my Martian tricks to get Kobima out of jail,

warn him when he was in danger,

and once, we stole all the chickens

the colonial offices had collected for a curry dinner.

Jakobar's great grandfather called me Kokoban.

- What does that mean?

Chicken thief?

- Miracle man.

Instead of reading tea leaves to tell a fortune,

in that part of Asia,

they dropped four sticks on the ground.

The sign of Kokoban.

Whenever I drop the divining sticks,

I make them form that pattern.

They still talk about me there.

I'm sort of a legend.

- Yes, I bet mothers use your name frighten their children.

- Tim, I could use my influence

and get you an exclusive interview with Jakobar.

- No, well, forget it.

I don't know why he's in Los Angeles,

but he's not gonna see anybody.

- We'll see.

I failed you once.

I'm not going to do it again.

Tim.

Smile a little.

- Oh, I can't.

- Well, let me help.

(audience laughing)

I wonder if that's any improvement.

- Oh, come on, uncle Martin, now cut that out.

(Arabian music)

- I would like to see Jakobar

- He is seeing no one, esteemed sir.

- Tell him that a friend of his great grandfather is here.

All right now, put me down, put me down.

(mumbles)

(ground rumbling)

(audience laughing)

I would still like to see Jakobar.

Would you tell him that Kokoban himself is here.

- Wait here a moment, esteemed sir.

- That's better.

All right now, what are you doing?

Will you please put me down?

(mumbles)

(music intensifies)

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Not that again.

Pull out your hand please.

(music intensifies)

Now, show that to Jakobar.

I will wait here.

(laughs) I wouldn't do that if I were you.

- Jakobar will see you immediately, respected sir.

- Let's get the formalities over with.

- Jakobar will see you in a moment.

- Yes, as soon as he's through studying me

from behind that screen.

He's looking to see if my hands tremble,

how frequently I blink my eyes,

and wondering what I want from him

that he isn't going to give me.

- You are quite right, Mr-

- [Martin] Martin O'Hara.

- Mr. O'Hara, you will forgive the precautions

I'm accustomed to being constantly on my guard.

- As your great grandfather said,

"He who draws his sword against the ruler

"must throw away the scabbard."

- He did say that.

- So it is written, excellency.

- Sit down Mr. O'Hara.

You have done a remarkable job of research.

This quotation from my revered great grandfather,

and sending in the matches arranged

just as they fell from the hand of the legendary Kokoban.

Unfortunately, I do not believe such a man ever existed.

- I assure you he does.

Of that is, he did exist.

He was my great grandfather.

- What is it you want, Mr O'Hara?

- [Martin] I want to give you some advice.

- My great grandfather also said,

"Advice is less necessary to the wise than to fools,

"although the wise get the most advantage from it."

- And my great grandfather said,

"Advice is least heeded when most needed."

I will read your divining sticks for you.

- I should warn you, Mr. O'Hara.

I am not a superstitious man,

and I pay no more attention to these

than I would to a reading of tea leaves.

(music intensifies)

- I see by the sticks that you are thinking

about the oil discovered in Kobima,

and how to make the best use of it.

You hope to have an American company

build an oil refinery there.

You seem to be paying more attention than you would

to a tea leaf reading.

- Your advice, please.

- I also see that the years of hiding in the hills

have left a mark on you.

You are still doing things in secrecy,

long after the necessity for it has gone.

- I suppose that is true.

- It is always good to have a newspaper man on your side.

As a friend of Kobima, I would like to bring one here

to get the story directly from you.

- I see.

- He is honest, he is intelligent, he is conscientious,

and he is my nephew.

- Bring him here at 2 o'clock.

- Thank you.

(music intensifies)

- I told Mr. Burns

I had an exclusive interview with Jakobar,

and he was delighted.

- What, did he give you a bonus?

- I said he was delighted, not delirious.

- He's thinking happy thoughts.

- Oh, they're the best kind.

- More happy thoughts.

- Oh, you are great.

- Your excellency, this is my nephew,

Tim O'Hara of the Los Angeles Sun.

- How do you do, sir?

- Your uncle is a very clever man.

- Well, he speaks very well of you too, sir.

- Yes.

He quite had me fooled for this.

- Oh, is that right?

- [Jakobar] Then I realized what was wrong.

- Nothing was wrong.

Everything I said was absolutely accurate.

- Too accurate, Mr. O'Hara.

If the stories have been passed down to your family

for over 150 years,

would they not have been changed a little?

But they weren't.

- Oh, I can explain that.

No, I guess I can't.

- Roll them both out.

- What, you can't do that.

What about my interview?

You promised me an interview.

- And you've just had it.

- I'll be back to see you.

- I think not, but give my regards to your superiors.

- Happy thoughts, huh?

- Sure, they knew they were going to throw us out.

- What?

Now, you've done this.

- Believe me, Tim, everything was all set.

It's just that Jakobar still has a suspicious mind

of an outlaw, he'll ruin his country.

- He's already ruined me.

Now, I've got to call Mr. Burns,

and tell him I flubbed again.

- [Martin] Wait, give me a chance to get back in there again

and talk to Jakobar.

- No thanks.

Now, I'm going home, are you going with me?

- No, maybe I can do something.

- [Tim] Listen, don't do anything more for me

because I can't stand it.

- Maybe another quotation from his great grandfather

would convince him.

- I have a little quotation that I made up.

When you have a martian for a friend,

who needs enemies?

(music intensifies)

(Arabian music)

(antenna whooping)

(knocking on door)

- [Guard] What is it?

- What is what?

- You signaled me to come in.

- No, you knocked.

- [Guard] No.

- We heard you.

- Well.

(knocking on door)

Yes?

- You knocked.

You signaled for us to come out.

- I did not touch the door.

(door slams)

(banging on door)

(antenna whooping)

- Stop.

That is the signal for us to wait out here.

- You!

How did you get in here?

- I slipped in while your men were distracted

and locked them out.

- Whoever you are, you must know

that I am not afraid of dying.

- Of course, you're not afraid of dying.

You faced it too many times.

Don't bother to look behind that pillow for the gun.

It has slipped way down into the couch.

(audience laughing)

Jakobar.

Look what's behind you.

You see,

I meant that what's behind you now

are all those years of being a fugitive,

living in the hills, not trusting anybody.

- That was necessary to stay alive.

- My point is that you have won your fight,

but you are still acting like a rebel leader.

Your great grandfather was a man of dignity,

except for that time he and Kokoban

stole back all those chickens.

- Mr. O'Hara, what do you want?

- I wanted that interview for my nephew,

but now I'm worried about you and the future of Kobima.

Like a lot of other people

who were struggling for something,

you have prepared yourself to take failure after failure

and keep on fighting.

The one thing that you have not prepared yourself for

is simply success.

- But I have succeeded.

- Then why all the secrecy and distrust?

Jakobar, it's time for you to stop being a rebel

and start being a statesman.

- Mr. O'Hara,

I'm about to have a final meeting

with the people who I've contracted

to build our oil refinery.

Come back at 4 o'clock.

Bring your nephew.

- I wish you the best of luck.

(music intensifies)

(knocking on door)

(audience laughing)

But, Tim, you've got to come back.

Think it over, and I'll wait here in the coffee shop

until 4 o'clock in case you change your mind.

- Well, you better find a way to keep filling your cup

because I'm never gonna change my mind.

(curious music)

(antenna whooping)

Yeah.

All right.

Yes, I know that, Mr. Burns, but...

But, Mr. Burns, he didn't have anything to do with it.

(antenna whooping)

Will you please stop calling him my nutty uncle?

Every family has a (mumbles).

I mean, uncle Martin does have his good qualities.

Some days.

Well, yes, I know, Mr. Burns.

All right, Mr. Burns, I know, and I'm very, very sorry.

All right.

Goodbye.

(music intensifies)

- And although Jakobar, the president of Kobima

has refused to see reporters,

there are rumors of secret conferences and stories,

the wild is of which is that cure for the common cold

has been discovered in an extract from an exotic plant

that grows only in this newly created East Asian republic.

(laughs)

- Jakobar.

(music intensifies)

(levitation whooping)

Jakobar, are you everywhere?

Will you please stop bugging me?

(levitation whooping)

(levitation whooping)

Who's a quitter?

(audience laughing)

(antenna whooping)

(door bangs)

(music intensifies)

(Arabian music)

(antenna whooping)

- Tim.

I thought you'd never get here.

- Well, I Changed my mind.

- Yes I was hoping you would,

but I knew there was nothing I could do about it.

- Now, uncle Martin, you are sure this time-

- This time, I'm sure, come on.

(music intensifies)

- Look.

Before we just charge into the lion's den,

would you mind reading the zoo keeper's mind?

- Very well.

Oh, oh.

- What, what, what?

- I'm getting feeling of anger, hostility, and resentment.

- That did it, Jakobar changed his mind.

- Come on, let's go. - No, no, no, no, no, no.

I think something's gone wrong,

but we've gone this far, we may as well go all the way.

When we get closer, I'll probe a little further.

Jakobar is expecting us.

- Well?

- His feet hurt.

The laundry starched his socks.

(audience laughing)

Well, they're really angry.

- Why?

- Same laundry.

- I'm sorry, no.

You will not have my decision until I am ready.

- It looks like the meeting didn't go too well.

- Goodbye.

Mr. O'Hara and Mr. O'Hara.

- I understand that you're ready

to make your announcement, sir?

- Perhaps.

- Your meeting went well, I trust.

- These are the contracts with Mr Louis

of the Parsons Company

to build a modern automated oil refinery in Kobima.

Now, I have looked over them very carefully,

and they worry me.

You are a wise man, sir.

Will you glance at them, please?

- No peeking.

Excuse me. - Yes.

- He can read a whole novel just by standing in line

in the supermarket.

- Now what are you worried about?

- I can't find the loopholes.

- That's because there aren't any.

- But how can that be?

- They know that an unfair contract

would cause them more trouble

than the advantages would be worth.

- If I didn't know better,

I would almost think that you were the real Kokoban,

who, according to legend,

disappeared into the sky over 150 years ago.

(laughs)

Well, now, I will give you the entire story for your paper.

Will you sit down, Mr. O'Hara.

- Well, I think I better be going.

- Before you do,

will you allow me to apologize for my attitude,

for the inconvenience I've caused both of you?

I'm sure this has not been an easy day for you.

- That's true.

I think I could say that I've practically worked my fingers

to the bone.

(audience laughing)

Goodbye.

- Thank you.

- Jakobar, the first president

of the newly independent country of Kobima,

this afternoon signed contracts for the first of three

ultra modern oil refineries.

The income from them will insure it's future

as a model East Asian democracy,

and it goes on and on,

all the wire services picked it up.

- Congratulations, Tim.

- You know, it didn't start out very well,

but this day has really turned out to be quite a success.

- There's an interesting saying about success.

- Oh, another pearl of wisdom

from Jakobar's great grandfather?

- No, from another reporter who called himself Mark Twain.

He said,

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence,

"and then success is sure."

- Uh-huh.

Oh, what do I need?

(audience laughing)

(whimsical music)