Original subtitles

(upbeat orchestral music)

- Uncle Martin?

Could I see your antennas? (buzzing)

No, no, wait a minute.

Now don't disappear.

Uncle Matin, come on back.

- Well that's what they're for, Tim.

On Mars, it's considered an insult

to ask a Martian to let you see his antennas.

It's another way of saying get lost.

- Oh, well I'm sorry, I didn't mean that, but,

well I just wanted to show you something.

I mean, ask you something.

(buzzing) No, wait, don't lower 'em.

Now, that's good.

Now look.

You see?

- What is it you want me to see?

- Well don't you see it?

You know, it's funny that I never noticed that before.

But that television set, with its rabbit ears extended,

looks just like you with your antennas up.

- Rabbit ears? (audience laughing)

- Yeah.

That's what they call 'em.

Rabbit ears.

- Did it ever occur to you, Tim,

that you're oftentimes in very bad taste?

Now how would you feel if you had antennas

and I went around saying you had rabbit ears?

(audience laughing)

- I wasn't trying to get personal, you know,

I was just curious.

Well come on now, Uncle Martin, I think they're cute.

(audience laughing) (buzzing)

Can you get TV?

- Huh?

- You know, television reception.

Now you've got the antennas, can you get the picture?

(laughing)

- That is the most naive, unsophisticated

question of all time.

- Well I'm sorry, Uncle Martin, I just thought--

- Don't apologize, Tim.

You didn't know.

Of course I can get television, and AM radio,

FM program, stereo, ship to shore telephones,

and private police calls, watch.

(audience laughing) (buzzing)

(static)

(upbeat jazzy music)

(static)

- [Radio] Will Jill marry John?

Will John be good to Jill?

Tune in tomorrow for another episode

in the lives of John and Jill.

(audience laughing)

- That's the most ama--

- Of course television is a bit more complicated.

I have to do it in a darkened room.

I project the picture on the wall through my eyeballs.

(audience laughing)

But I need a converter and roof aerial for you to see me.

I'm on Martian wavelength and,

I have to get unscrambled.

- Well do another.

Do another radio.

- Alright. (static)

- [Radio] Calling car 32.

Calling car 32.

We know where you are, proceed to Third and Main.

Disturbance, street fight.

That is all.

- And this is how I turn me off.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

(beeping)

(slow ominous music)

(beeping)

(upbeat music)

(slow music)

(creaking) (audience laughing)

(slow music)

- [Tim] Uncle Martin, wake up.

- Huh?

- [Tim] Wake up, you were snoring.

- What, what?

- Wake up, you're snoring.

- Oh? Oh I am?

- Yeah, well you're not now, 'cause I woke you up.

But before, when you were asleep?

You were snoring.

- Oh.

Oh well, must be your Earth's atmosphere.

A Martian never snores on Mars.

Has something to do with your oxygen syndrome.

(audience laughing) I'm sorry.

- Uncle Martin, look.

Why don't you just raise your antennas?

- What?

- Well you remember last summer when you had a cold?

Well, you used to sleep with your antennas extended

because, well you said it balanced your sinuses.

- What's that got to do with now?

- Well you told me it was good for snoring.

Now if you could get your sinuses balanced,

you wouldn't snore.

- Tim, are we really going to sit up?

Are we rea--

Did you really wake me up to discuss

the passage of your Earth's oxygen

through my Martian membrane?

- Look, if you just sleep with your antennas extended,

you won't snore, and then we could both get some sleep.

I mean, if I had antennas, I'd do the same thing for you.

- Alright.

But please don't wake me again.

I'm gonna have to sleep very hard

to make up for this interruption.

(buzzing)

(audience laughing)

(static)

(opera music) (audience laughing)

(static)

- [Radio] Calling car five, calling car five.

Break in jewelry store, 299 South Madison.

Two men, cash drawer and safe empty.

Three shots fired.

Witnesses report red station wagon,

leaving neighborhood going west.

Mass license plate, proceed with caution.

That is all.

(audience laughing)

- Tim, what happened?

Did you turn me on?

- Me? No, no.

- Well did you turn on my me radio?

- Yes, yes, well that was it.

You see, I heard it, and I thought I'd come in

and turn it off.

- Well I must've scratched my ear

and tuned in on a wavelength. (audience laughing)

A Martian has to be careful when he sleeps

with his antennas up.

You know, I remember one night I accidentally

picked up Lawrence Welk.

And instead of sleeping I spent the whole night

in bed dancing.

(audience laughing)

(slow music)

(creaking) (audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Hello?

Uh, police station?

Oh look, I'd like some information

on the robbery that you had last night?

The one at 299 South Madison.

Hm?

Oh yeah, alright, I'll hold on.

Hello there?

Is your mommy home?

(audience laughing)

Oh, oh really?

Well...

No, honey, your mommy. (audience laughing)

Hello, uh hello, hello? (audience laughing)

Oh, yes, yes.

Who's this?

Oh, Detective Sergeant Seeley.

Well look, you're in charge of this case, hm?

Well good, good.

What I'd like is some information

on the two men that got away last night.

Well about how much do you think

they got away with, and you know,

do you have any clues as to the whereabouts

of the suspicious red station wagon?

Mhm.

Well, this is Tim O'Hara.

I am a reporter with the Los Angeles Sun.

Hey, that's right.

No, I'm a reporter.

Really? (audience laughing)

Sure, I'm sitting here right behind my desk right now.

And that was the last thing I said.

The next thing I knew this cop was walking

up to my desk and telling me he was gonna take

me down to police headquarters.

- You took advantage of me.

You took advantage of me while I was asleep.

You tuned me in and used me as insensitively

as you would a cheap transistor radio.

- Well Uncle Martin, I never thought of you

as a cheap...

Well, I mean, I know you're from Mars, but,

well I never considered you cheap.

Look, I was trying to surprise you.

- You surprised me alright.

I was taking a bath when they knocked on the door.

How would you like to be standing

in the middle of your living room

in your soap suds, while two police men smiled

and said you're wanted downtown for questioning?

(audience laughing)

- Hi.

Talking it over?

I'm Detective Sergeant Seeley.

And you're Tim O'Hara,

and his Uncle Martin--

- Sergeant, you're making a mistake.

- Well it won't be the first time.

I took your telephone call young man.

I sent my boys out to pick you both up.

You see you have some information

about a robbery that occurred last night

that was broadcast only on our new,

private two way transmitters.

Now the only one that could know about these crimes,

are we the police, and you, the guilty.

- Oh come on, sergeant, now you don't think.

- That's right, I don't think, I'm a policeman.

I merely find a fact and track it down.

Now, all you have to tell me is how you know what you know,

and how much you know.

- I'm afraid we can't tell you that, sergeant.

That is, nothing that you would accept.

(audience laughing) - Now look.

If I were guilty, do you think that I would be

stupid enough to call you and implicate myself?

- Why not?

I don't know how stupid you are.

- I do. (audience laughing)

- Where were you last night at the time of the robbery?

- Uh...

At home.

- With him?

- Yes.

- (laughing) If I were looking for two perfect suspects...

- Look, I am a reporter.

Now, I have certain sources of information.

- Which are?

- Well I'm not at liberty to reveal them at this time.

- [Detective Seeley] And you're gonna stay not

at liberty until you do.

- Uh...

How long can you hold us on simple suspicion?

- 48 hours.

- Why don't you just call Mr. Burns?

Now he's my editor.

And he-- - Already called us.

He's shocked.

He tells me he doesn't understand any of this.

As far as he knew, you were assigned to the Ladies'

Garden and Variety column.

He has no idea what you're doing

playing police reporter.

He does say he's willing to vouch for your character.

- Oh.

- You know, I had a case like you once a long time ago.

An honest newspaper man turned criminal.

To commit his own crimes and make his own scoops.

- That's ridiculous.

- Is it?

How does that saying go?

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts and minds of men?

- Well bail.

Now, can't we get bail?

- After we arraign you before the judge.

That means finger printing and booking.

Why don't I just leave you two in here?

Talk it over. Take your time.

That's one thing I have plenty of, time.

- Tim, I can't be finger printed.

I have no finger prints.

I can't be mugged.

I have a face that has no prior record on Earth,

unless of course they wanna go back to the Civil War.

Matthew Brader did take a picture of me then.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- What are you doing?

- Even Martians don't come easily equipped

for jail breaks. (audience laughing)

- Jail break?

- Tim, I can't stay with you.

I cannot be exposed.

On the other hand, I cannot run away, but I must.

- What are you talking about?

- I am about to become a fugitive.

(buzzing)

Next time you see me, Tim,

may be on your post office wall, wanted.

- Look, I don't understand.

What are we doing?

- Not we, Tim, me.

You may never see me again.

- I may never what?

- Let's hope that they don't discover me

until I've got a good head start.

- Why are you being so dramatic?

You can come back as soon as they find

the real criminals.

- And suppose they don't.

There is such a thing as an unsolved crime.

I didn't mean for it to end this way, Tim.

(slow music) (audience laughing)

- Uncle Martin?

(creaking)

Hey! (audience laughing)

Hey, Uncle Martin, take me with you.

(audience laughing)

Oh come on, Uncle Martin, come on, take me with you.

We'll move to another city.

Uncle Martin.

(slow music)

I'm a little thirsty.

I'd like to get a drink of water.

- Sure, sonny, right down the hall.

Fountain's on the right.

- Well...

- I was just coming to see you.

- You were?

Oh, well I wanted to get some water.

Thirsty.

- Well sure, fountain's right there.

Here, I was bringing this to you.

It's from a Mrs. Brown, do you know her?

- Well sure, she's my land lady.

- That's right.

If you'd only answered my other questions as directly.

Those are delicious looking brownies.

We opened them to see if there were any files.

(audience laughing)

Maybe I should take the package to your uncle myself.

Maybe if I'm nice to him, he'll be nice to me

and tell me--

- No, no, no. (audience laughing)

They're mine. Anyway, he doesn't like brownies.

- Don't get so nervous, I was just trying to show you

how nice I can be.

Now you go get your drink of water.

When you give your uncle the brownies,

tell him how nice I am.

And anytime you're ready to talk to me,

I'll be ready to listen.

Nicely.

Look how he's clutching that package,

like a security blanket.

Three trips to that fountain

and that kid'll tell us anything.

Just leave him alone, and we've got it made.

(slow music)

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

(slow music)

(buzzing)

(audience laughing)

(slow music)

(audience laughing)

(slow music)

- Sea water.

Water front, a bar.

A water front bar.

(slow music)

Greasy kid stuff. (audience laughing)

Two tall men. (audience laughing)

(slow music)

A touch of J. Edgar Hoover.

A spot of Sherlock Holmes,

and a dash of Martian know-how.

(slow music)

Large footprint.

(slow, tense music)

(buzzing)

- Who's there?

Anybody in there?

- That's two.

One more trip and that kid talks.

- How 'bout if I go in? Talk to him.

New face.

- No, I told you, one more trip to the fountain.

He's gettin' scareder and scareder,

thirstier and thirstier.

Just leave him alone and we got it made.

It's called the cracking point.

(slow music)

(audience laughing)

(slow music)

- No, not him.

Not him.

No, not him.

No.

Hm, could be.

Mhm, maybe.

Good evening gentlemen.

I represent the Happy Time Shoe Company.

This is our happy time, based on

the wonderful story of Cinderella.

As you remember, Cinderella went to the ball

and met Prince Charming.

She danced with Prince Charming.

Then she had to go home because it was 12 o'clock

and she was about to turn into a pumpkin.

As she left, she dropped her slipper.

Prince Charming picked it up, and the next day

he went throughout the city trying to find Cinderella.

Now just think of me as Prince Charming,

and if you have the magic foot that matches our imprint,

we will keep in shoes for the next 20 years.

(audience laughing)

Doesn't fit.

- Get out of here, buddy, we don't want any.

You don't wanna get hurt, now get lost.

(audience laughing)

- It doesn't fit either.

- Look, you want a fat lip or a busted hip?

- Do I have a choice? (audience laughing)

- Cool it, Harry.

Remember he said to be positive

and not to get into any trouble.

- That's it, a third a person.

But who?

Who doesn't want to get you into trouble?

- [Man] Beat it.

- Seeley?

Detective Sergeant Seeley? (audience laughing)

- Now, if you want to confess, please go right ahead.

- Uh...

Well...

I did it.

- Bojess.

He's doing it for me.

He's confessing to protect me.

A beautiful gesture, but a total lie.

- No, no that's not true.

No, I did it, I did it, yes.

- I'm ready to confess.

- First neither one of you wanted to talk

now you both want to talk.

Okay, two confessions for the price of one.

I'll take 'em both.

Get it all down.

- Uncle Martin.

- Hold it, kid.

Let me hear what your uncle has to say.

- Age before beauty. (audience laughing)

(slow music)

(buzzing)

I committed the robbery at 299 South Madison.

My accomplices were two water front bums, Jim and Harry.

You see, there were three of us, not two of us.

We broke in the back door.

We didn't have to, I had a key,

but I wanted to make it look real.

I tripped as we went in.

I was scared.

I had never done anything like this before.

I was nervous.

- (chuckling) Well what are you talking about?

- I did it.

I did it because I got tired of sitting behind my desk.

Nobody paying me anymore attention.

I was a hot shot cop.

Worked my way up, and then I became a sergeant.

Then a desk sergeant, then nothing.

The last 10 years, nothing.

Like I stopped, nobody.

That was me, a nobody.

With nobody paying me anymore attention.

They forgot all about me.

- Stop.

Sam, stop him.

- I wanted recognition.

They were taking me for granted.

- Shut him up, I told you to shut him up.

I don't wanna hear him.

I want the kid, I wanna hear the kid talk.

I wanna hear him confess.

- You're tired sergeant, you know, you're tired.

- Out, out, all of you, get out of here.

Get out!

(buzzing)

(pop) (audience laughing)

Charlie.

Charlie, come help me.

I am tired.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to hang you guys through this.

It's just that I got so involved.

- Come on, Bill.

- You know what it is, Charlie?

I did it to myself.

- When are you humans going to learn

to have a sense of values?

An appreciation of the good things you have?

Uh oh, quick, quick, guard the door.

(buzzing)

(static)

Calling car five, calling car five.

- What are you doing?

- I have to tell 'em to pick up Jim and Harry

at the water front.

I forgot. (audience laughing)

Proceed immediately, South Madison Water Front Saloon.

- You can't do that.

- Why not?

I'm more than just a simple receiver,

I'm also a sender.

Two men answering to the names Jim and Harry.

- They're liable to come in here.

You've got your antennas up.

- Tim, there are times when you must be bold.

There are times when you must be brave.

Do you know who said that?

- Fred Allen? (audience laughing)

- No, I did. (audience laughing)

Car five, proceed immediately.

South Madison Water Front Saloon.

(slow music)

(creaking) (audience laughing)

(slow music)

(snoring)

- Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin, wake up.

You're snoring.

You actually snored.

Come on, now wake up.

Balance your sinuses.

(buzzing)

(slow music)

(audience laughing)

* Rock a by baby on the tree top

* Go to sleep, the broadcast has stopped

(audience laughing)

- Will you please go to sleep?

I put a lock on my transmitter.

Your radio station, Uncle Martin,

is off the air for the night.

(audience laughing)

(slow music)

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)