Original subtitles

(cheerful orchestral music)

(duster whirring magically) (audience laughing)

(cheerful orchestral music)

(Martin puffs)

- Hello, Uncle Martin!

Now, which section would you like?

International, national, state, county, city

or the comic page?

Haha.

(newspaper whirring magically)

- Tim, listen to this.

"Inter-Galaxy Corporation announced today

"that an instrument-bearing rocket

"it has perfected for the Outer Space Agency

"is ready for a takeoff to Mars."

- Oh Boy, those scientists.

You know, I still have trouble

changing my typewriter ribbon.

(audience laughing)

- A rocket to Mars.

Don't you realize what this means to me?

A way to get home.

- Oh you're putting me on!

Now come on Uncle Martin.

Hitchhike?

To Mars?

- Well you got to admit it beats walking.

As soon as the rocket gets within 1,000 miles of home,

I can hop out and catch a local space bus.

(audience laughing)

If my calculations are correct,

and the rocket does take off in the next couple of days,

I'll get home just in time

for Mother and Dad's golden anniversary.

- Hey, 50 years?

Well that's a long time.

- Tim, on Mars the first 50 years

couples are still opening wedding presents.

The golden anniversary is the 500th.

- Hmm.

Well it must be very touching to hear a man say,

"Darling, you don't look a century older

"than the day we met." (audience laughing)

Hey.

You didn't read all of this.

"However, Inter-Galaxy Corporation indicated

"the Mars shot may be bypassed

"in favor of a Venus probe."

- Go to Venus instead of Mars?

Unthinkable!

- Well maybe you can just tell 'em that it's your

parents' anniversary. (audience laughing)

- No.

I'm not thinking of myself alone.

That would be selfish.

Your government undoubtedly has a great deal

of money invested in this venture.

And besides, there is nothing on Venus

to justify the effort to explore it.

- Is Venus that bad?

- There's nothing there but clouds of dust,

lots of gasses with foul odors,

a little carbon dioxide,

and lots of carbon monoxide.

- Well look!

The Inter-Galaxy Corporation has one of two choices.

It can go to Mars or it can go to Venus.

Now you've got a 50/50 chance.

- A 50/50 chance.

(jacket whirring magically)

- Where are we going?

- To see if we can improve those odds in our favor.

(audience laughing)

(cheerful music)

(beeping)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(beeping)

(cheerful orchestral music)

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Mr. Buckley,

a couple of reporters from The Los Angeles Sun

are here to see you.

- Oh thank you Miss Maxwell.

Show them in.

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

Come in, gentlemen!

- Mr. Buckley, I'm O'Hara of The Los Angeles Sun

and this is my photographer, Mr. Martin.

- Sit down, gentlemen.

Always happy to talk to members of the press.

Oh, take as many pictures you want.

Just be sure the name, Inter-Galaxy Corporation,

shows up nice and clear in anything you take.

- You made the right decision,

sending the first rocket to Mars.

- Well, I must say there are many persuasive reasons

for going to Mars.

- An excellent decision.

Well, thanks for the interview!

- On the other hand,

there are just as many reasons for going to Venus.

(files whirring magically)

(audience laughing)

- Well, almost as many reasons.

(audience laughing)

I've been reading so many reports lately

my eyes are beginning to play tricks on me.

- Yes, well I don't know what those reports say,

but, I have it on good authority

from those who know their planets,

that it's Mars, nine to one.

- Well as the insiders say,

"Why go to Coney Island when you can go to the Riviera?"

- Well curiously enough,

that's what many of our scientists say

in more scientific language, of course.

(watch dial whirring)

- Uh, that's an interesting watch

you have there, Mr. Buckley.

- Oh thank you.

I bought it at--

Oh my goodness I didn't realize it was this late!

Excuse me, gentleman.

I have to rush off to the 11:15 meeting.

Stay if you like.

(cheerful orchestral music)

- 11:15? I've got a quarter--

- I wanted a little privacy

to check the accommodations on my trip.

Not that I mind putting up with a few inconveniences.

- Yeah especially at the prices you're paying.

- I imagine they keep the blueprints in that safe.

- Uncle Martin you're not thinking of blowing the safe!

- With my martian powers, why go to all that trouble?

Besides, I hate loud noises. (audience laughing)

(lively orchestral music)

(whirring)

(whirring)

- Do you have a piece of sandpaper? (audience laughing)

- No.

But I uh, have a nail file. (audience laughing)

(safe dial whirring magically) (audience laughing)

(dramatic music)

- Good. Excellent.

Plenty of room if I don't put on any weight

between now and flight time. (audience laughing)

I'm surprised they didn't include

a magnetic oscilloscope.

- Hm. Well as long as it has a radio and heater,

who cares? (audience laughing)

- Your association with me

has done absolutely nothing for you.

It's a pity.

A magnetic oscilloscope would give you people

invaluable data on the infrared density

on the Martian surface.

- Uncle Martin I hope you are not building yourself up

for a big letdown.

You know, Mr. Buckley hasn't made a decision yet.

- You forget that one of my minor accomplishments

is the ability to read minds.

Believe me, he made up his mind a week ago,

to send the rocket to Mars.

- Well why didn't he say so?

Has a cat got his tongue?

(safe dial locking magically)

(cheerful orchestral music)

- No, the cat does not have his tongue.

But he is afflicted with an occupational disease

known as executive jitters.

- Well I don't blame him.

You know there's an old saying which says,

"If you cannot make a decision,

"you cannot make a mistake."

- And if you don't make mistakes you don't make progress.

Besides, his decision to send the rocket to Mars

is not a mistake.

- Yeah well I hope he gets off the dime pretty soon

because if he doesn't, you're not going to be able to

go back and celebrate with your folks back on Mars,

with their favorite son and my favorite martian.

- Ah, sorry gentlemen.

- What's the matter?

Is the meeting over already?

- No, it hasn't even started yet.

I don't understand my watch being a half hour fast.

Never happened before.

Well.

Where were we, gentlemen?

- Oh.

Tim was just about to mention his paper's

Executive of the Year Award.

- I was? (audience laughing)

- Oh I'm afraid I'm not acquainted with your

Executive award.

- Well it is an honor bestowed upon the man

who typifies the highest ideal of the

American Leader of Industry. (audience laughing)

- Oh yes, uh.

A man we can look up to.

Strong in personality,

forceful in character,

decisive in action.

A man who can make momentous decisions like that.

- Unfortunately, the nominations for the award this year

are about to close.

- Aha. Miss Maxwell.

- [Miss Maxwell] Yes sir?

- Get me the Vandenberg Airbase immediately.

Gentlemen, this has nothing whatever to do with any honors

that may be conferred upon me.

But, I have just made my decision.

- About the rocket?

- Our first shot will be to Mars.

- Bravo! (audience laughing)

- Gentlemen, who knows?

Before long our rockets may be carrying passengers to Mars.

- It may be sooner than you think.

- Yes, I can just see the headlines now.

"Top Exec Says Mars or Bust.

"A decision was made by J.M. Buckley,

"this 13th day of--

- Is today the 13th? (audience laughing)

- Yes it's Friday the 13th.

- Friday the 13th, oh!

No wonder my watch went haywire.

(speaker buzzes)

- [Miss Maxwell] I have Vandenberg on the line.

- Um, nevermind nevermind.

Just cancel the call.

- He became a different man

the moment he found out what day it is.

- I'm not surprised.

- You mean he always come unglued on Friday the 13th?

- And when he sees a black cat.

And when he walks under a ladder.

I shudder to think what would happen

if he ever broke a mirror. (audience laughing)

- He's a kook.

- Would you believe it, he goes to the same restaurant

every day for lunch?

A place where the food is mediocre,

prices outrageous,

and the waiters push you around.

- I'll hate myself for asking but,

why does he go there?

- Because it's called The Lucky Shamrock Cafe, why else?

(cheerful music)

- You Earth people.

You've come so far from the cave

and yet in many ways you're as superstitious

as primitive aborigines.

- Ah well don't look at me,

I haven't got a superstitious bone in my body.

Bread and butter. (audience laughing)

Well alright.

But look I didn't crack up

just because it's Friday the 13th.

As a matter of fact

this is my lucky day.

- Too bad Mr. Buckley doesn't think it's his.

Right now I'd be pasting Mars stickers on my luggage.

(audience laughing)

- Tim.

Superstition is all in the mind.

Now what's to stop him from thinking

that Friday the 13th is his lucky day?

- Hmm, well that would be a nice trick,

if you can do it. (audience laughing)

- How would you care for a spot of lunch?

I know a wonderful place

where the food is mediocre,

the prices outrageous,

and the waiters push you around.

(audience laughing)

- It was very nice of you to

share your table with us, Mr. Buckley.

- Oh the pleasure is mine.

But tell me, how did you happen to find

The Lucky Shamrock?

- Well, uh, you see I--

- He hates to admit it you see,

but he insisted on eating here

because of the name of the place.

He feels it will bring him luck

next time he goes to the track.

- Oh now Tim that's not quite true.

I, uh-- (dramatic music)

- Uh oh.

(dramatic music)

- Excuse me.

(playful orchestral music)

(audience laughing)

- You see, Martin won't even get out of bed in the morning

until he's checked his horoscope,

just to make sure that it's safe.

- Well I don't have to check it this morning.

Today is my lucky day.

- Did I hear you correctly?

You consider Friday the 13th a lucky day?

- Of course.

Now I know that over the years

it has acquired an unsavory connotation,

but ancient civilizations regarded the day

as a symbol of good luck.

- Really?

- In fact, the Phoenicians had a saying.

"On Friday 13th, fish for flounder,

"sure to catch plump 50 pounder."

(audience laughing)

- That must have lost something in the translation.

(audience laughing) - Scoffer.

He doesn't even believe

in the Incan mystique of numbers.

- Well I'm afraid I'm not acquainted with it myself.

- Oh!

Well let me explain it to you.

You see you're supposed to count

the number of items on your plate.

Now.

If that coincides with the day of the of the month,

you're very lucky. (audience laughing)

- Sounds very interesting.

(counting quietly) (audience laughing)

11, 12.

13!

(food floating magically) (audience laughing)

How did this get here?

- Mm. Probably dropped off the waiter's tray.

But since fate seems to have meant it for you.

- Well.

"This is your lucky day.

"Big decisions will turn out well."

- Uncanny.

- Yes, it's almost as though

someone were trying to tell you something.

- Gentlemen.

If you'll excuse me I have to return to the office.

But if you care to drop by about two o'clock

I may have an interesting announcement to make.

(cheerful orchestral music)

- Well you can alert Mr. B!

We have a two o'clock appointment.

- Well I'm sorry, but he's canceled it.

- But he couldn't have.

He said he had an important announcement.

- Well that was before he found out

he lost his lucky rabbit's foot.

Excuse me.

- Well that tears it!

- Where is it?

Where is it? (audience laughing)

It can't be lost!

- Let's see.

He had the rabbit's foot

when he left the house this morning.

He had it at the corner of Wilshire and Westwood

when he almost ran into that bus.

He had it when he walked around the desk three times.

- Counter-clockwise no doubt. (audience laughing)

Still had it at the restaurant.

Didn't have it when he got back here.

Let's go.

Mr. Buckley was sitting over there

and we think that he might have lost

his good luck charm here.

- Aw, good luck charm?

Well the busboy swept right after lunch.

Now you might find it in the trash,

right through that door.

(cheerful music)

- Any luck?

- No.

I'm afraid that idea is shot.

(cat meowing)

- What did you say?

- I didn't say anything.

- I wasn't talking to you,

I was talking to him. (audience laughing)

(cat meowing)

- Well hello Herbie.

He says his name is Herbie.

- He says?

Oh that's right, I keep forgetting you can talk to animals.

- Well it's really just a matter

of the ear becoming attuned to their vocal range.

Now cats talk in delicate shadings

of the diatonic scale.

Very similar to Mandarin Chinese.

(audience laughing) - Oh.

Well I knew there was a catch to it.

- Herbie, I'd like to ask you a question if you don't mind.

Have you seen a rabbit's foot around here anywhere?

(cat meowing)

Well, could you tell us where it is?

(cat meowing comically) (audience laughing)

Well now Herbie that's not fair.

That's taking advantage of the situation.

- What'd he say?

- He won't tell us where it is

unless we give him a bribe.

- Well how do you like that.

I've heard of blackmail, but cat-mail?

That's ridiculous. (audience laughing)

- Tim.

He may be on a barrel

but he's got us over one. (cat meowing)

- Waiter!

- Hey did you find what you were looking for?

- I wonder if I could ask you to do me a favor.

- Alright. What is it?

- That's a very charming cat you have there.

I love cats.

Now, simply on a whim of mine,

instead of feeding the cat raw liver

would you mind sauteing it?

- Sure. (audience laughing)

Sure. (cat meows)

(audience laughing) - With some mushrooms

and a dash of Burgundy?

(cat meowing)

Oh yes and would you stir in a soupcon of sour cream?

The cat happens to be quite a gourmet.

- Figures. (audience laughing)

But does the cat know how much it's gonna cost?

- Well, will this take care of it for a month?

- Hey, are you guys on some kind of an expense account?

Because you sure know how to spend it. (laughs)

- Uh. You're pretty generous with my money, Charlie.

- Well now isn't it worth 10 dollars to get rid of me?

Alright Herbie, now where is the rabbit's foot?

(cat meowing) (audience laughs)

- Alright Herbie, that's dirty pool!

Now why didn't you tell us

that you chewed that thing up before you made the deal?

(cat meowing comically) (audience laughs)

- He says he may be a cat but he's not a stupid cat.

Tim.

Did it ever occur to you that one rabbit's foot

is very similar to another?

- Hey you know,

this is a pretty good paint job.

- Yeah it's a good thing I was able

to reconstruct the design from the remains.

Excuse me.

(whirring music)

(typing)

(floating music)

(happy orchestral music)

(rabbit's foot floating)

(dramatic music)

- Miss Maxwell!

It's here!

It's here!

- What is?

Where did you find it?

- Under these papers.

If that fan hadn't gone berserk, I...

Miss Maxwell, get Vandenberg Airbase at once.

Alert them for a launching Sunday morning!

We're shooting to Mars after all.

(happy orchestral music)

- Mission accomplished?

- A strange question to ask of a martian.

Naturally!

- Ah, that's a relief.

- And since Inter-Galaxy Corporation is nice enough

to give me a free ride,

I return the favor.

I've left a suggestion,

to add a magnetic oscilloscope to their equipment.

(happy orchestral music)

- You sure you can spare the scarf?

- No, but you be my guest, you know,

isn't it a little warm this time of year?

- Well for California but not for Mars.

By the time I get there it'll be winter.

I can't wait to see that lovely emerald green snow.

(audience laughs)

- Green snow?

- Only in the early part of the winter.

Later on we get the regular snow.

Orange, mingled with a beautiful blue.

(audience laughs)

- Well Uncle Martin, look.

I certainly hope you won't be too disappointed

if it doesn't work out.

You know you tried this before and it didn't work.

- Yes but that's because I was trying to do it solo.

This time I've got a couple of partners.

A multi-million dollar corporation

and the US Government. (audience laughs)

- Now hold, hold, hold it. Hold it.

I, I got a little something for you here.

Something you always wanted to wear

but never had the nerve.

(audience laughs)

- I'll be the sharpest martian on Galaxy Boulevard.

That's like your Hollywood and Vine

without all the cars running into each other.

- There's a little something for you

I want you to have it to remember your Uncle Martin by.

(audience laughs)

- Aw. Vivalde's Concerti Grosso for Strings and Clavichord.

- You're not gonna cry are you?

- No!

No, you're not gonna start?

Are you?

- Well I wouldn't dare!

If a martian lets go it's like opening a dam.

- Well now I thought you told me

that none of your people were sentimental.

- Well, since I'm leaving I may as well be truthful.

In interplanetary circles we're known as the

maudlin martians.

(audience laughs)

(exciting orchestral music)

- Well, thanks for getting me in here Mr. Buckley.

- Oh my pleasure.

Isn't Mr. Martin covering this story with you?

- No, no.

Right now he's practically on his way

to visit his folks. (audience laughs)

- They live out of town?

- Oh they're out of this world.

Out of this world?

- Oh. Yes well,

if you'd like to watch the launching

from the control tower with me

I can arrange it with the general.

- Mm. No no no.

Launchings always make me emotional.

Well good luck with your shot.

- Aha I'm not worried.

We can't miss. (audience laughs)

(Ground Control conversing together)

(door magically opening)

- [Announcer] The terminal countdown will commence

in 10 seconds.

- Goodbye, Uncle Martin.

- [Announcer] This is it.

- Here we go, Uncle Martin.

Fasten your seatbelt.

- [Announcer] Ten, nine, eight, seven, six--

- If your ears start popping, chew gum.

(audience laughs)

- [Announcer] Two, one.

Ignition.

(rocket launching)

- Bon Voyage.

Happy Landing.

- [Reporter] Another late bulletin

on the successful Mars shot.

The rocket is right on course

and is now 50,000 miles in outer space.

- Good ol' Uncle Martin.

Gone but not forgotten.

(sniffing)

Uncle Martin!

(dramatic music) (laughter)

Uncle Martin!

You can't be here.

You're 50,000 miles away.

- Correction.

The rocket is.

- But I saw you get on.

- Correction again.

You saw a panel open.

There wasn't enough room in that rocket

to swing a cat,

if our friend Herbie would pardon the expression.

- Well you saw the blueprints,

you said there was plenty of space.

- Well there was.

Until some idiot suggested that they include

a magnetic oscilloscope. (audience laughs)

(Tim laughs)

- That is a shame!

Well, wait a minute.

You were the idiot.

Well no, I mean um--

well why did you suggest it if you knew

it would take up so much room?

- Tim.

On Mars we can put 10 magnetic oscilloscopes in a peanut.

I keep forgetting that you Earth people

are still in the stone age.

- Well, Mars' loss is my gain.

Welcome back.

Oh, one thing though,

it's too bad you're gonna miss your parents'

golden wedding anniversary.

- It is disappointing.

But after all their diamond anniversary

is practically around the corner.

Just 250 years away.

(audience laughs)

(cheerful orchestral music)