Original subtitles

(ominous music)

- Carpet must have a break to the right.

I guess it has a break to the left.

(mysterious whirling music)

Oh, Uncle Martin, I should have known it was you.

Hey look, I have a great idea.

Why don't you join me in the News Reporters golf tournament

next month?

- Oh, I'm afraid that would be cheating.

- Oh, they play golf on Mars?

- They used to, but they had to give it up

when we discovered the powers of levitation.

Everyone shot a par 18.

That ball return is the most interesting gadget.

You mind if I examine it?

- Be my guest.

What happened?

- I don't know.

- Huh, maybe your finger didn't get enough sleep last night.

(laughter)

- Well, it never happened before.

(mysterious whirling music)

- That's more like it.

Maybe you ought to check it for a hang nail.

(dramatic music)

(robotic beeping)

(playful music)

(gentle orchestral music)

(mysterious instrumental music)

- Hello Frank.

I've just detected a huge sun spot on my coelostat.

Yes, magnetic polarities are all mixed up.

Far more severe than the spots of 1958.

It's really gonna play havoc with communications everywhere.

You better give the usual warning

to all communications agencies.

No telling how long this group will last

or how bad they may get.

I'll keep you posted.

- These martian hands weren't designed

to use your primitive earth tools.

- You hurt yourself?

- I scraped my knuckles.

You know, back home, we have nails that drive themselves.

I'm sorry, I messed up one of your handkerchiefs.

- Forget it.

(dramatic music)

Cut it out.

Come on, Uncle Martin, cut it out!

- Cut out what?

- The fooling around with the typewriter!

- I don't know what you're talking about!

- I'm talking about that.

Now will you stop using your martian levitation powers?

- I'm not!

- Maybe you're doing it with your elbow.

Now Uncle Martin, look, I am in the middle

of an assignment.

This is no time for a practical joke!

(mysterious music)

- Tim, believe me, whatever's happening

is happening by itself.

- Do you know that you look like a walking junkyard?

- I fail to find any humor in that.

- Now what are you doing?

- Nothing, my coveralls seem to have become magnetized.

- Well now, you can't magnetize cloth.

- You can when the base of the thread is a metal.

- Well, it looks like your coverall doesn't cover all.

- There, that ought to do it.

- Huh, why did you insist on burning the coveralls?

- Well, no matter how remote the possibility,

I cannot take the chance of someone discovering

I'm from another planet.

Unless I destroy them, someone just might find them

and wonder where the material came from.

- You have no idea how they became magnetized?

- No, something must have set up an electrical field

that magnetized the martian metal in the fabric.

- Well, you can always buy another pair of coveralls.

- Mm mmm mmm, not like these.

They were practically new.

I only had them 175 years.

- 175 years?

- Yes and they were hand-me-downs from my father.

But that's alright, I've got another pair in the spaceship.

(dramatic instrumental music)

- Uncle Martin, now you cut that out!

Do you want someone to see you?

- That's the last thing I want.

I can't get down!

- Something must be wrong.

- That's an astute observation.

- Uncle Martin, now you stop lying there, do something!

- I can't.

I can't get my legs to go down.

- Maybe I can help, huh?

How's that?

Better?

How do you feel now?

- Fine.

- That's good, that's good.

(dramatic music)

- My pulse is 218

and my temperature is 131.

I'm normal.

- How do you account for spending almost

10 minutes in mid-air?

- I haven't the slightest idea.

(knocking on door)

- Come in.

- Anybody home?

- Oh no, Mrs. Brown, we left about five minutes ago.

- Oh Tim, you're always spoofing.

Oh say, if you have a minute,

I'd like to try something out on ya.

- Another cake?

- No, not this time.

You know, you never did tell me how your liked

the pie I made ya last week.

- Hey, that was different.

What was it?

- Cherry chicken, wasn't it delicious?

- I never got anything like that back home.

- What can we do for ya?

- Well, with all the time I've had on my hands lately,

I thought I'd put it to some practical use.

I'm going to sell insurance.

- Well, I think that's a wonderful idea.

- I worked up a little sale pitch to use on

potential customers and I'd like to try it out on you.

- Go right ahead, Mrs. Brown.

- You know, I've always heard

that honesty is the best policy.

(laughs)

But it isn't, insurance is the best policy.

The manual says to start out with a little joke.

- You've succeeded.

- Now, are you ready for the sales pitch?

- On your mark.

Get set...

Sell.

- Well, you're supposed to ask me,

which is the best policy for you?

- Which is the best policy for me?

- I have no idea.

Just a moment, I'll check.

Hmm, well it seems to depend on a lot of things.

- Like what?

- Well, for one thing, whether you're a man or a woman.

Now let's make it a hypothetical case and

let's say you're a man.

- Alright, for arguments sake, let's say Tim's a man.

- The policy you should consider

is an endowment with a clause to convert it

to whole life.

Unless term insurance is required to protect the present

and 20 pay life can be used in conjunction with

future premiums, excluding dividends.

Well, that's the whole thing in a nutshell.

Did I do a convincing job?

- Yes Mrs. Brown, I think you covered

just about everything.

- Oh fine.

Now, how much insurance do you want?

- Well, I'm fully covered by insurance at the newspaper.

I'm covered right up to here.

- Well, don't you wanna cover the rest of you?

- Oh, Uncle Martin isn't covered.

- Thanks a lot.

- Oh, well now,

what kind of insurance would you be interested in?

- Oh, a policy that would protect me

from insurance salesmen.

(laughs)

- Oh, there you go spoofing again.

- Mrs. Brown, you're a born saleswoman.

Just leave the forms and I'll fill them out.

- Oh fine.

Well, that's the second policy I've sold today.

- Who bought the first one?

- I did.

Well, I must be going.

A bulb blew out and I have to run down to the store

and buy a new one.

- Oh, we have some extra bulbs.

- And I'll get you one so you don't have to make

a special trip.

- Oh, that'd be wonderful.

(dramatic music)

(audience laughing)

Oh, did you find a bulb?

- No, no, no, no, I couldn't find any.

- Funny, I'm sure we have some.

- Oh, men can never find anything.

It's probably in the closet.

(suspenseful music)

I knew I could find one.

Thank you!

You won't forget to fill out the application.

- No, no, I'll mail it in, I'll mail it in.

- Oh fine, thank you and bye!

- Whatever it is, you're awfully nice to read by.

- Who would've thought that I would find up as a floor lamp?

I wish I knew what was wrong.

- Uncle Martin, look,

I'm getting a little worried about you.

I think maybe you better see a doctor.

- I think it would be more appropriate

to see an electrician.

- Now look, you admit yourself

that there is something wrong with you.

Now why are you being so stubborn about going

and seeing a doctor?

- Whatever's wrong with me is beyond the scope

of your physicians here on Earth.

- Are all martians as stubborn as you?

- No one on Mars is stubborn.

You will not find the word stubborn

in the martian dictionary and if you don't mind,

I'm trying to watch the program.

- Then what do you call it?

- Call what?

- [Tim] Your attitude!

- I'm merely applying logic.

I'm from another planet

and although my physical structure is

much the same as yours, there are certain

metabolic processes which are totally dissimilar.

They require a highly complex diagnosis

far beyond the realm of your primitive physicians.

Therefore, it would not be logical for me

to consult them regarding my problem.

Do I make myself clear?

- [Tim] Yes.

You're stubborn.

Now Uncle Martin, just please do it for me.

- [Uncle Martin] Tim, it's useless.

- [Tim] Well you talk as though it'd kill you!

- Tim, if for one minute, I thought that they could help,

I would do it!

(dramatic instrumental music)

- Now something's wrong with the television set.

- Tim!

Tim, I'm shrunk.

I'm nothing but a sample!

- Oh my gosh.

I told you to see a doctor.

- Well, do you know a witch doctor?

One who specializes in shrunken goods?

- [Tim] Uncle Martin, can you make yourself any bigger?

- No, no!

I'm trying!

- I thought martians could do everything.

- I'm worried.

I never had this problem before.

(whimpers) I wonder what's gonna happen next.

(dramatic whirling)

- You can stop worrying.

It happened.

- [Uncle Martin] What?

- You're gone.

- [Uncle Martin] You're right, I am.

And I can't make myself reappear.

- [TV Reporter] Ladies and gentlemen,

we have just received information from

Mount Palomar Observatory that due to an extremely heavy

bombardment of sun spots,

communications have been interrupted.

Please forgive the interference

in the video part of our program.

- [Uncle Martin] Sun spots, that's what's playing

havoc with my metabolism.

- Well, is there any way you can counteract them?

- [Uncle Martin] On Mars, yes.

On Earth, no.

- Well how long do sun spots last?

- [Uncle Martin] They can last for a few days

or weeks or months and there was one extreme case

that lasted 112 years!

- Uncle Martin, I'm afraid I can't wait that long.

(dramatic music)

Uncle Martin?

- [Uncle Martin] Yes Tim?

- Did you check with the observatory again?

- [Uncle Martin] Same old thing.

The sun spots are continuing without any sign of a let up.

The earth is closer to the sun than Mars is.

That's why I must be so susceptible.

- Hmm, well don't worry Uncle Martin.

I'm sure you'll come back again soon.

- [Uncle Martin] I hope so.

It's making me nervous.

It's been four days now that I've been looking

into a mirror and nothing looks back.

Perhaps the sun spots will stop soon.

As soon as they do, I'll reappear.

- Ya know something, Uncle Martin?

Right now, I'd rather see you than Elizabeth Taylor.

(knocking on door)

I'll get it.

- How do you do?

I'm the field representative for the

Southern Mutual Life and Accident Company.

Mrs. Brown wrote a policy on Martin O'Hara.

Are you Mr. O'Hara?

- Well, I'm Tim O'Hara.

- Oh, his nephew, the beneficiary.

Well, my name is Stone, William Stone.

And I make a practice of personally welcoming

new policy holders into the company.

Is your uncle home?

- Yes he is.

- May I see him for a moment?

- No ya can't.

I mean, no, he isn't,

home, that is.

- Well, is he or isn't he?

- He isn't.

- Do you know where he is?

- Well, I haven't seen him

for a few days.

- Is he in town?

- Oh yes, he's in town.

- Well, when can I see him?

- He isn't in town.

- First you say he's home but he isn't home,

then he's in town but he isn't in town.

I just don't understand.

- Well, you see, he's out of town.

On business!

- That's peculiar.

According to this policy, he's retired.

- Oh, well he umm,

he's out of town on retirement business.

- When do you think he might be back?

- Well, he could be back in two or three minutes

and then again, I may not see him for

two or three months.

- Two or three months?

Or longer?

- That's possible.

- I see.

Well, thank you for your time.

You've been most helpful.

(mysterious instrumental music)

- I think he's suspicious.

- I know but what could I do about it?

Yell, "Yoohoo, here I am?"

- I guess you're right.

Where are you?

- Mmhmm, now let me see how this sounds.

Sir, may I trouble you for a minute?

The policy you should consider is

an endowment with a clause to convert it to whole life,

unless term insurance is required to protect the present

and 20 pay life can be used in conjunction with

future premiums, excluding dividends.

Hmm, I think that sounds pretty good.

Maybe I can make it a little stronger.

(knocking on door)

Let's see.

- Miss Brown?

- Oh, come on in.

I was just practicing my insurance speech.

- Oh well,

I just thought that I would come by and drop off the rent.

- Oh thank you.

Ya know, having you and Martin as tenants

is such a pleasure, I almost hate to take this.

- Oh, well in that case.

- It's not that much of a pleasure.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you.

Somebody's coming to see you.

- Who?

- The police.

- The po...

The police?

- Yes, they think you killed your Uncle Martin.

Isn't that ridiculous?

- They think what?

- I told Mr. Stone he was wrong.

You know, the man from the insurance company.

But he insisted on reporting to the police

that your Uncle Martin was missing.

By the way, where is your Uncle Martin?

- Oh, away.

- You see, I told Mr. Stone he wasn't missing.

- I know you told me twice,

but make me happy.

Tell it to me again from the beginning.

- Lieutenant Gibson,

last time I saw my Uncle was five days ago

and he up and left.

- He didn't pack?

Didn't take any clothing?

Didn't tell you where he was going,

when he was coming back?

And he hasn't called?

- That's right.

- And he never took off like this before?

Fella, if I were you and you were me,

and I told you that cockamamie story,

would you believe me?

- No.

Yes because it's true.

- Now what have we here?

Looks like a couple of buttons.

Yours?

- Well, I don't recall ever having seen them.

- Well of course you do, Tim.

They're from your Uncle Martin's coveralls.

- They are.

Yes, they are.

How observant of you, Mrs. Brown.

I didn't notice because they were charcoal broiled.

- What are they doing in the barbecue?

- Who are you lady?

- That's Mrs. Brown, my landlady.

- You rent the apartment to Mr. O'Hara?

- Yes and if he's in any trouble, I'd like to help.

Why, he's the nicest tenant I ever had.

- Now, you say these buttons came from coveralls

that belonged to Mr. Martin O'Hara?

- I know them like I know my own name.

Mrs. Brown.

- That's her name alright, Mrs. Brown.

- Mrs. Brown, I'd like to talk to you

when I finish with Mr. O'Hara.

Could you wait around a few minutes please?

You and your Uncle got along well?

- Oh yes, yes as a matter of fact,

we were very close.

- Oh, I can vouch for that.

Why, they were closer than close.

In fact, it was Tim who insisted that Martin

take out that insurance policy.

- Oh, he did.

- That's why Martin made Tim the beneficiary.

Now, you know you've gotta be close to do that.

- Are you saying you and your uncle got along well?

No disagreements?

- No.

- [Lieutenant] No fights?

- No fights.

- I'll back him up on that.

You see, I live in the house right in the front

and they are the nicest, quietest tenants I ever had

and I can tell you they never had a single fight.

- No arguments?

- Never.

Oh well, just that one time but,

oh it wasn't even worth mentioning.

- Well, mention it anyway.

When was that?

- Oh about four or five days ago but

oh, it was nothing really.

- That was just about the time Martin O'Hara disappeared.

What were they fighting about?

- Oh, they weren't fighting.

No, no, Tim was pleading with Martin

to do something or other.

Oh, but I'm sure it was nothing harmful.

In fact, I distinctly heard Tim assure Martin

that it wouldn't kill him.

- Umm, Mrs Brown, please--

- Well I'm just trying to help you.

- Oh, I don't need it.

- Let her help you, let her help you.

(mysterious instrumental music)

Initials, T-O.

Yours?

- I guess so.

- If these stains are blood,

they better be yours too.

- As a matter of fact,

that's not my blood.

- Whose blood is it?

(dramatic music)

- Then it was Mr. O'Hara's idea for his uncle

to take out the insurance.

- Well, yes and no.

- What do you mean yes and no?

- Well, yes if I have to tell the truth

and no if I don't have to.

- You have to.

- Yes.

- Thank you, Mrs. Brown.

- Well that's another nail in my coffin.

Ya know, I'm beginning to feel less and less confident

about acting as my own attorney.

- [Uncle Martin] Don't worry.

With me here, it's the same as having

Clarence Darrow sitting next to you.

- Right now, I would trade in one Clarence Darrow

for one live in the flesh martian who couldn't

talk his way out of a traffic ticket.

- Mr. O'Hara, I'm trying to conduct a hearing.

- I'm sorry.

- Lieutenant Gibson, one of the items

in evidence was a bloodstained handkerchief.

- Yes sir, the police laboratory checked out

the blood type and it definitely was not that

of Tim O'Hara.

- Well, I've covered enough of these things

to know I'm really in a lot of trouble.

- [Uncle Martin] I've never covered one before,

but I'm prone to agree with you.

- Please Mr. O'Hara, you'll have ample time

to talk later.

Meanwhile, I will not stand for any further disturbance.

- Sorry.

- [Uncle Martin] Better be careful, they'll begin

to wonder about you.

- Hey,

maybe that's it.

Maybe I can plead insanity.

- [Uncle Martin] Tim, this has gone far enough.

I'm afraid I'll have to tell them the truth.

- What, what do you mean tell them the truth?

- [Uncle Martin] I will not jeopardize your life.

I shall tell them I'm a martian.

- You can't do that.

Besides, they wouldn't believe you.

- [Uncle Martin] I'll tell them how I landed here

and I'll explain how the sun spots have made me invisible.

- Now just one second, I'm not gonna let you do that.

I mean, I know how much this means to you.

Besides, this condition is only temporary.

- Is he off his rocker?

Mr. O'Hara, will you please stop talking to yourself?

- No!

Yes, I'm sorry.

- [Uncle Martin] Gentlemen, there is

something you should know.

- Gentlemen, there is something that you should know.

- [Uncle Martin] Now Tim, let me speak.

- Yes, now Tim, let me speak.

Speech the speech, I pray you.

Let the words fall--

- [Uncle Martin] This is no time for games, I've got to

tell the truth.

- Yeah, I've got to tell the truth.

The whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Abraham Lincoln said that.

- [Uncle Martin] Tim.

- Yeah Abraham Lincoln, one of our greatest,

greatest Presidents.

He took this country through perilous times.

- Oh, that poor dear boy.

You awful men have driven him out of his mind!

- I don't know whether he's putting on an act or not,

but we better schedule a psychiatric examination

for him immediately.

Lieutenant Gibson, you better take him into custody.

- It's working Uncle Martin.

Now look, while they're giving me these tests,

maybe you'll reappear.

Uncle Martin, Uncle Martin?

(yells)

Oh, hello.

(dramatic instrumental music)

- I know you're innocent Tim.

I just know it!

- Oh, thanks a lot Mrs. Brown.

- You wouldn't hurt your Uncle Martin

even if you killed him.

- Uncle Martin, am I glad to see you.

- Are you his uncle?

- Yes I am.

- Well we've been looking for you for weeks.

Where have you been?

- On the freeway, you know those traffic jams.

(audience laughing)

- Mrs. Brown sent this up

to welcome us both back.

- What did she conjure up this time?

- I don't know, but it sure smells delicious.

There ya go.

- Mrs. Brown has outdone herself this time.

Pineapple pickle.

- Well, I'll...

I'll get you something else.

What do you want?

- Oh, cheese and crackers.

- Uncle Martin?

The sun spots, you're gone again!

- I dropped my fork.

(playful instrumental music)