Original subtitles

(bright orchestral music)

- It's there, it's really there.

I'll be a Venusian's uncle, it's really there.

- Um, do all Martians talk to themselves

like you, or just you?

(audience chuckles)

- Look.

- Hmm, what is it? Star? Moon?

Oh, look where Mars is.

- Mars is deviating from its normal orbital course.

This only happened once before in history.

- Oh, well what does it mean?

You know, I mean it looks close, very close.

- I'll tell you what it means.

It means that within the next 18 hours,

I can get back to her on my spaceship.

- Hmm, well, bon voyage.

- Thanks.

- Uncle Martin, are you serious?

- If I'm ready first thing in the morning, I have 12 hours.

- 12 hours?

- My spaceship has just enough tension to make this flight.

- I don't believe it.

- Goodbye, Tim.

- Just like that?

- Just like that.

Tim, you knew it had to happen someday.

I'm a prisoner down here, Mars is my home.

- Home? Are you sure you can make it?

I mean your spaceship.

- As easy as going on your freeways, easier.

There will be no traffic in the interchanges.

Mars is in direct orbit, the skies are clear.

I take off at dawn.

Parting is such sweet sorrow, Bill Shakespeare.

I wrote that line for him.

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin, if you're serious,

I mean if you're really serious.

- I'll always remember this trip to Earth,

Tim, more than the others.

I'll always remember your friendship.

Goodbye.

- Goodbye, Uncle Martin.

(eerie music and beeping)

(upbeat horn music)

- It's really hard to know what to take back to Mars

and what to leave here.

There's so many wonderful souvenirs.

- Well, I'd mail them to you, but the postage is murder.

(audience laughing)

- I really shouldn't be taking

any of this stuff back with me.

My spaceship will just barely make it

without any extra weight.

- You're sure you can make it now?

I mean, you're positive everything's gonna be all right?

- Oh yeah, everything's gonna be all right,

especially if I can leave within the next 10 hours.

- Well, what are you gonna tell them

when you get back there?

I mean, they're gonna want to know, you know,

where you've been, why you've been gone so long.

- Well, I'll just explain to them what happened,

the spaceship broke down.

- Oh, well maybe they'll think you defected.

- To Earth? Hardly.

Why would a Martian want to defect to Earth?

- Elizabeth Taylor, Brigitte Bardot, and Sophia Loren.

- Baubles, mere baubles,

when you consider the beauties on Mars.

- I wish you'd take me back with you.

(audience laughing)

You're really gonna go, huh?

- Remember this, when you took me

to my first Earth nightclub?

- Yeah, the tables were one on top of the other.

Could hardly move.

- And do you remember this?

When I won the twist contest at the Peppermint West.

- And a lot of good times to get another one.

- They certainly have, in fact--

- I'm gonna miss you, Uncle Martin.

- I'm gonna miss you, Tim.

- You know, I mean, you've been around a long time,

and I'm gonna miss you.

- And I'm gonna miss you.

- Now, will you go on back

into the room and finish dressing?

It really is bad taste for two grown men

to stand staring at each other crying.

(audience laughs) (solemn music)

Elvis Presley, I gotta take him back.

Dicky Doo & The Don'ts,

they wouldn't believe it without proof.

(audience laughs)

My personally autographed baseball from Bo Belinsky,

with his picture engraved on it.

(audience laughs)

Loverboy Magazine.

Well, I'll have trouble getting through customs,

but I'll explain to them that it's educational matter.

(audience laughs)

- All set?

- Yeah.

10 hours on the button, I've got plenty of time.

- What am I gonna tell Mrs. Brown?

- What do you have to tell Mrs. Brown?

- Well, I'm gonna have to tell her where you are.

I mean, you just can't be missing, I've gotta say something.

What am I gonna tell her?

- Well, tell her I took a vacation.

Tell her I went to the Orient to take the Geisha baths.

- She'll expect a postcard.

- From the Geisha baths?

- Well, you know Mrs. Brown.

- Tim, you go on downstairs and open the garage door,

and make sure that no one sees the spaceship.

Let's not worry about Mrs. Brown.

- Okay.

- I've got to get my diary.

I'll be right down.

I'll get all my notes and thoughts on my experiences here.

Sentiment, I had to come down to Earth to learn sentiment.

(upbeat music)

Tim.

Clear?

- Clear.

Tim, you're wallowing in cheap, maudling,

sentimental, Earthling soap opera.

The, the, ow!

- Are you all right?

Uncle Martin, are you all right?

(laughing)

- I must have turned my ankle out.

Hey, help me up.

I must have sprained it.

- Then you can't go.

- I can go, I can fly it with one foot, come on.

- Don't make a move, stay right where you are.

I saw the whole thing, I'm loaded with insurance.

Now, don't make a move, I've got you covered.

- Please, Mrs. Brown, I don't want to be covered.

I'm perfectly all right, I just turned my ankle.

Tim, help me, huh.

- Don't touch him, he shouldn't be moved.

He's gonna sue me, it says so in my policy.

- Please, Mrs. Brown, I have a very important appointment.

- No, ah, ah, ah.

- I'm not going to sue you, Mrs. Brown.

I'm perfectly all right Tim.

Please Mrs. Brown, let Tim help me.

I'm on a time schedule.

- It's all covered in my policy.

- My time schedule is not covered in your policy.

- Believe me, he doesn't want to sue you.

- That's what you say now,

but you just wait a couple of days.

(audience laughs) (siren wailing)

- What's that?

- Oh, ambulance, I called them.

I'll be right back, I don't wan them to miss our street.

- I don't want an ambulance, I don't.

Please Tim, you've got to get rid of them.

They're cutting in on my time.

I've only got 10 hours left.

- Well, disappear.

- I can't.

- Why not?

- Well, don't you think I've been trying?

Here, watch. (eerie music)

See?

- What's the matter?

- I don't know, I can't get my antennas to go up.

(audience laughs)

when I sprained my ankle, I must have pinched a nerve.

You see, the nervous system is

directly connected to the antennas.

- You pinched your nervous system.

Get those things down.

Hi.

- Well, let's see what we have here now.

- Nothing, I accidentally fell down the stairs.

I'm perfectly all right if you'll just leave me alone.

- Four?

- It's all very good for you, Martin.

Being careful of yourself and

taking all the proper precautions.

- Young man, I didn't send for you,

and I feel that this fumbling and this hand holding will--

- Stretcher!

- I told you so.

- Oh, now he doesn't feel that bad.

He's gonna be all right.

- I'm sorry, it's critical.

- But he has to take a very important trip.

- He just took one and it was a beauty.

- Get your hands off me.

- Now Martin, be quiet, you've been hurt.

Is it a concussion, doctor, or a contusion?

My insurance policy covers them both.

Concussions and contusions,

and several other things that start with C.

(audience laughs)

- Please, will you all leave me to my inalienable rights?

- Yeah, why don't you leave him alone.

- Move.

- [Martin] Tim!

- Now, what can I do?

- Now, just relax, Martin.

You know, doctors can cure anything these days.

I know because I watch Hillaby.

- Doctor, I don't have much time.

- Oh please, don't think that way.

It's amazing how they always seem to know.

(audience laughs)

- Doctor, I would prefer you didn't use that thing on me.

Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh. (gurgling)

(audience laughing)

(gurgling) (audience laughing)

- Get him in the ambulance.

- Mrs. Brown, this really isn't necessary.

- Don't worry about a thing.

You know, your Uncle Martin looks very tired lately,

and he needs to rest.

- You can ride inside with him.

- Oh, fine, thanks.

- I want to thank you so much, Doctor.

You showed up so quickly, and you know,

I am responsible as a property owner,

and though I'm sure it's nothing really very serious--

- Didn't you hear me? I said it was critical.

- Then I heard you, it's critical.

Now, that's under C, isn't it?

And concussions, contusions, I'm covered.

- Will you please stop all that diddling out there.

I've got a very important appointment.

Now, either get me out of here or get going.

- Now, just relax, Martin, and remember,

no matter what happens--

- I know, you've got me covered.

(audience laughs) (dramatic music)

(lively music)

I don't see why I have to get completely undressed

just because I've got a sprained ankle.

- Everybody gets undressed.

You should see how angry they get

when they just come here for a toothache.

- Six hours.

- Oh, Uncle Martin, it's too late, you can't make it now.

- Nonsense, I have plenty of time.

I'll cut through the lower canals.

I've never seen such rigamarole getting into a hospital.

They asked me all kinds of questions

about all kinds of diseases.

You Earth people really are susceptible, aren't you?

- I have rarely seen you make a mistake,

but you have made one this time.

Did you see the look on that intern's face?

- On Mars, we don't have diseases.

When we are born, they give us a shot

that immunizes us against all germs.

Instant help.

- Now, what are you gonna do?

- I'm gonna get, ooo!

I'm gonna get out of here.

- You can't do that.

- Oh, yes I can.

Do you think those silly entry forms I signed

are gonna keep me from returning home?

- Did you fall on your head?

- I resent that, I am not now and never have been,

and I never will be a ding dong.

- Did you see the look on that intern's face

when he took your pulse?

- Yes, you overacted a little bit, don't you think?

- You are DOA. - What's that?

- Dead on Arrival. - What's that?

- You're not alive.

- Will you stop being ridiculous?

He took my pulse.

My pulse rate is different than yours.

- Well, what about your temperature?

You broke his thermometer.

- That's my temperature.

Your 98.6 is ridiculous.

I'd freeze at that level.

My antennae would get icicles on them.

- You are a critical case.

You have an insurance claim.

You cannot leave.

- Yes, I can.

- No, you can't.

- Yes, I can.

- No, you can't.

How's he doing?

- Hi, uh, uh, fine.

- It's really very nice of you

to visit me, Mrs. Brown, but--

- I'm just doing my civic duty

as a law-abiding, well-insured, property owner.

- Well, there's nothing wrong with me, if you'd just--

- If there's nothing wrong with you,

why did they undress you?

You scurried into bed, but I saw your little daddy Denton.

- They undress everybody here, Mrs. Brown.

- Oh, that's nice, especially after

concussions and the contusions.

- But he's not hurt, Mrs. Brown.

- [Mrs. Brown] That's not what Dr. Rothman says.

- Who's Dr. Rothman?

- The doctor in charge of your case.

I've just been in conference with him

to determine the extent of my liabilities.

When he read the intern's entry report on you,

why he nearly hit the ceiling.

He's coming in to examine you himself.

Now remember, no matter what he finds.

- I know.

- You've got him covered.

- Yes, I'll be home waiting,

baking happy brownies for your return.

- Let's go.

- What, didn't you hear what she said about the doctor.

Look, there are forms to be filled out,

reports to be filed.

- If you would stand straight, I can walk without a limp.

- What about your clothes?

How are we gonna get your clothes?

- We don't, we tell them I'm a student Arab

visiting with the Peace Corps.

- Uh, ho.

- Good morning, I'm Dr. Rothman.

Oh, exercise, marvelous, but not until I tell you,

and not when you should be in bed.

- Doctor, my name is Martin J. O'Hara,

and I have powerful friends in powerful places.

- I'm sure, now just tell me in your own words

what the trouble is.

- The trouble? The trouble is I've got to get out of here.

- You will, but first, back in bed.

Now, according to the report of the intern

who brought you in here...

(laughing)

- Well, he just fell down a few stairs.

- That's all, I've just got a twisted ankle.

Otherwise, I'm perfectly all right.

- (chuckling) Yeah, if this report were true...

(laughs heartily)

But it isn't.

So, I agree, you probably are in perfect health.

- Wonderful, I can leave now.

- Not yet.

I would like to now give you

a complete, physical examination.

Now remember, I did say, probably.

Then, you can go home.

- Doctor, would you come back in less than an hour?

I have a long way to go home.

- I'll try.

- Let's get out of here.

- No, no, no, no, listen.

You run out and get me a stopwatch,

a hot water bottle, an icepack, and a bicycle pump.

- A hot water bottle, a stop watch.

- I'm going to have to appear normal.

Earthwise, that's the simplest solution.

I read his mind.

He's not releasing me until I meet your physical standards.

If he comes back in one hour and gives me the examination,

that leaves me four hours to get to Mars,

and I can leave here with a clean bill of health.

Okay, hurry, now do you know what to get?

- Yeah, a hot water watch, a stop bottle, no, no.

A hot stop, I don't know how to say it, but I'll get it.

(eerie music)

- I never knew what it was to live in a world

where one couldn't disappear.

I must write about that someday,

the problems of visibility.

(whining)

No wonder Earth people are so neurotic.

- Feel it?

- I can feel it, I can feel it.

- Oh, that's beautiful.

That's beautiful, that's human.

- Oh, good, now let's do my temperature.

- Yeah, yeah.

- You don't have to wait, read it now.

- Well, that's too high.

You've got to come down, it's 118.

- Well, run down the hall.

Run down the hall and get me some more ice water, quick.

- Ice water, ice water.

(shivering)

- Icicles, I'm gonna form icicles.

Why did I have to be a hot Martian?

- Beautiful, 98.6, and your pressure

and pulse are equally perfect.

- Thank you.

- And what have you got to say, young man?

- I'm sorry, Dr. Rothman.

I did everything you did, but I got all different readings.

- I didn't bring you in here, Doctor,

to have you explain your medical bewilderments,

but to show you how a patient should be checked.

I'll see you in the fluoroscope room.

- Even Ben Casey misses now and then.

(audience laughing)

He, he, he, you did it, you actually did it.

You controlled your body like a human being.

- Tim, I can't go to the fluoroscope room.

The gamma rays, I'm a Martian.

I could go like that.

- [Dr. Rothman] All right, Mr. O'Hara,

will you place yourself, oh excuse me,

behind the screen please, Mr. O'Hara.

- [Intern] Oh, what is it, Doctor?

- [Dr. Rothman] Mr. O'Hara stepped on my toe.

- [Martin] I did not.

- [Tim] I did.

- [Dr. Rothman] Would you please all stand still,

and if the younger Mr. O'Hara wants to stay in here,

please stand still.

- [Tim] Yes, sir.

- [Dr. Rothman] Who is on my lap? Get off of me.

- [Martin] Come on, Doctor, it's very dark in here you know?

- [Dr. Rothman] Please, Mr. O'Hara, stay behind the screen.

Ow, will you stop moving about?

Everybody, stand still and settle down.

- [Martin] Doctor, will you please take my picture now.

- [Dr. Rothman] Are you behind the screen?

- [Martin] Yes, I am, Doctor, right Tim?

- [Tim] Right.

- [Martin] All right, Doctor, let's have the picture.

My stomach is saying, cheese.

- Well you see, Doctor, he's just fine.

As a matter of fact, he's phenomenal.

He's in physical condition of a man in his twenties.

- Well, we did it, Uncle Martin.

Just changed places in the fluoroscope room

and took my picture.

- Yes, and now, they're keeping me here to find out why

a man of my age is in the physical condition

of a man in his twenties.

- I thought you couldn't disappear.

- [Martin] Remember when I tripped on the dock?

I tripped on my own nerve, I'm better.

- You are, I mean, you are.

- [Martin] Help me out of bed but first, check the corridor.

(playful music)

Well, help me out of the bed.

Easy now, easy, careful, ow, oh.

Be careful my ankle, it's still sore.

The nerve is straight, but it's still sore.

Here, here, here, put me down in the chair.

Ow! Now, get your car,

and meet me at the hospital entrance.

- You're still gonna go back to Mars.

- [Martin] Of course, I've got two hours.

Hurry, get your car and I'll meet you.

(playful music)

(Martin moaning)

(Martin moaning and mumbling)

(audience laughing)

(Martin groaning)

Ow, my ankle.

(Martin moaning)

I beg your pardon, ladies.

(audience laughing) (eerie music)

(lively music)

- All clear.

- One hour left, I've got plenty of time.

Good thing I remembered the telescope,

because I couldn't make it through the canals

without the telescope.

Tim, don't look so sad.

I'll be back someday, and (groans)

- Are you all right?

Are you all right, Uncle Martin?

- Ooo, my other ankle.

- Don't make a move, not a move.

Stay right where you are.

(audience laughing)

Don't make a move, not a move, and stay right where you are,

and don't you worry about a thing.

I've got both ankles covered.

I think they call that double indemnity.

- It's too late, Tim, I can't make it now.

- It'll come around again, Uncle Martin.

Feel bad?

- Ah, it was so near, now it's so far.

- Well, it's my fault, Uncle Martin.

If I hadn't been so sentimental.

- It wasn't your fault, Tim, it was my reaction

to your sentimentality, and I was rather fascinated

to realize the feeling.

- You could have been home.

- Yeah, in a way, I am home, Tim.

Home is where you hang your hat.

(eerie music)

- Well, next time, I'll be more helpful, honest.

- I had plenty of time, but it was my childish hurry.

Well, as a famous man said many years ago,

"Haste makes waste."

- Who did say that, Uncle Martin?

I never did know.

- Paul Revere.

- Paul Revere?

- Well actually, it was his horse,

but Paul always took all the credit.

(horse whinnies) (audience laughs)

(eerie music)