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1
00:00:19,252 --> 00:00:20,720
[Leslie] "Today is the first day
of school.
2
00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:25,325
Mom says senior year's magic'
cause that's the
year she met Dad.
3
00:00:25,325 --> 00:00:28,695
I don't expect to meet
the man I'll marry or anything,
4
00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:31,798
but it'd be nice to be swept
off my feet
5
00:00:31,798 --> 00:00:33,566
and consumed by passion."
6
00:00:33,566 --> 00:00:34,200
[alarm blaring]
7
00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:36,503
♪ Some girls
Get all the action ♪
8
00:00:36,503 --> 00:00:42,075
♪ They like to get around
They got a reputation ♪
9
00:00:42,809 --> 00:00:45,478
♪ I'm on the outside ♪
10
00:00:45,478 --> 00:00:50,116
♪ I hear the things they say ♪
11
00:00:50,116 --> 00:00:52,585
♪ I don't wanna talk about it ♪
12
00:00:52,585 --> 00:00:55,488
♪ I don't wanna hear about it ♪
13
00:00:55,522 --> 00:00:58,792
♪ I just wanna find out
For myself ♪
14
00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:01,361
♪ I want experience ♪
15
00:01:01,694 --> 00:01:04,230
♪ My own experience ♪
16
00:01:04,564 --> 00:01:06,699
♪ I want experience ♪
17
00:01:07,500 --> 00:01:09,769
♪ My own experience ♪
18
00:01:13,773 --> 00:01:15,842
♪ Most boys
Are telling stories ♪
19
00:01:15,842 --> 00:01:21,548
♪ About the things they do
They want a reputation ♪
20
00:01:21,548 --> 00:01:24,684
♪ Another notch
On their belts tonight ♪
21
00:01:24,684 --> 00:01:29,756
♪ That's all they're living for
It's just a frustration ♪
22
00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:32,559
♪ I don't wanna talk about it ♪
23
00:01:32,559 --> 00:01:35,228
♪ I don't wanna hear about it ♪
24
00:01:35,495 --> 00:01:38,798
♪ I just wanna find out
For myself ♪
25
00:01:38,798 --> 00:01:41,301
♪ I want experience ♪
26
00:01:41,801 --> 00:01:44,204
♪ My own experience ♪
27
00:01:44,437 --> 00:01:47,140
[car horns honking]
28
00:01:52,178 --> 00:01:53,580
[indistinct chatter]
29
00:01:53,580 --> 00:01:56,583
-[girls squealing]
-[car horn honking]
30
00:01:56,683 --> 00:02:00,253
[Coach Hindenberg]
Now don't be late
to your first class.
31
00:02:00,253 --> 00:02:01,521
I won't.
32
00:02:02,889 --> 00:02:04,858
Meet me here at three.
33
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:05,358
Hi!
34
00:02:05,358 --> 00:02:08,261
[Leslie] Hey, Melanie!
How you doin'?
35
00:02:08,261 --> 00:02:10,130
[Melanie]
I'm so nervous!
36
00:02:10,263 --> 00:02:12,732
Listen, you gotta
get your own wheels, man.
37
00:02:12,732 --> 00:02:13,800
You're not gonna snag any guys
38
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,169
if your dad drives you
to school every day.
39
00:02:16,169 --> 00:02:17,871
That's all there is to it.
40
00:02:18,171 --> 00:02:18,905
-[gasps]
-[brakes squeal]
41
00:02:18,905 --> 00:02:21,274
[Melanie] Shit!
Shit, man!
42
00:02:21,274 --> 00:02:22,775
-Asshole!
-Drive much?
43
00:02:22,775 --> 00:02:26,613
[crowd laughing and jeering]
44
00:02:27,180 --> 00:02:28,548
[birds squawking]
45
00:02:30,383 --> 00:02:32,152
[Melanie]
This is our senior year, Les,
46
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:33,253
it's time to cultivate
a new image.
47
00:02:33,253 --> 00:02:35,922
I was just reading that preppies
are out and yuppies,
48
00:02:35,922 --> 00:02:37,690
Young Urban Professionals,
are in.
49
00:02:37,690 --> 00:02:39,859
-Maybe we should go on the pill.
-Mm-hmm.
50
00:02:39,859 --> 00:02:43,763
[Leslie] That's Douglas!
Douglas Duldorf.
51
00:02:44,397 --> 00:02:45,532
[Melanie]
Les, there's Max!
52
00:02:45,532 --> 00:02:47,700
[Leslie]
Oh, what a species!
53
00:02:47,700 --> 00:02:50,236
[Max]
Oh, is that Hindenberg?
54
00:02:51,938 --> 00:02:52,539
Check it out...
55
00:02:52,539 --> 00:02:55,675
Mel, you don't even have--
I mean, did you remember
to take your vitamins?
56
00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:58,611
Can you imagine having
to take the pill too?
57
00:03:05,385 --> 00:03:07,887
[man] Here, don't forget
your retainer.
58
00:03:08,454 --> 00:03:09,622
Thanks.
59
00:03:10,290 --> 00:03:14,194
Bye, Daddy, you don't have
to pick me up tonight.
60
00:03:14,460 --> 00:03:15,795
You want some bubble gum?
61
00:03:15,795 --> 00:03:17,463
Oh, yeah, thanks.
62
00:03:17,630 --> 00:03:19,632
[school bell ringing]
63
00:03:19,632 --> 00:03:21,634
She made an appointment
with the gyno,
64
00:03:21,634 --> 00:03:22,769
so I could get the pill.
65
00:03:22,769 --> 00:03:23,770
At least your mom
talks about it,
66
00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:27,707
mine just left a book
about the birds and the bees
on my bed.
67
00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:28,741
[girls laughing]
68
00:03:28,741 --> 00:03:30,276
She must be new.
69
00:03:30,276 --> 00:03:32,478
I already hate her guts.
70
00:03:32,512 --> 00:03:36,382
[Leslie] Yeah, there is
something strange
about that girl.
71
00:03:36,449 --> 00:03:38,718
[girls laughing]
72
00:03:38,718 --> 00:03:42,822
Girls! Girls, may I have
your attention please?
73
00:03:43,690 --> 00:03:45,825
-[girl] Wow, you got it now!
-[all laughing]
74
00:03:45,825 --> 00:03:49,395
-This is the male sex organ.
-[all giggling]
75
00:03:49,395 --> 00:03:50,797
Gee, I thought it was
a snow cone.
76
00:03:50,797 --> 00:03:52,632
-Shut up!
-[laughter continues]
77
00:03:52,632 --> 00:03:55,935
Consider it the enemy!
78
00:03:55,969 --> 00:03:57,937
[Max] Hey, man,
it's not like you're unique.
79
00:03:57,937 --> 00:03:59,505
Lotta guys our age
haven't been laid.
80
00:03:59,505 --> 00:04:03,743
Look, I gave her a couple
of these and she raped me,
right in the john, huh?
81
00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:07,847
-That guy looks 14, Max.
-He was probably hallucinating.
82
00:04:07,847 --> 00:04:10,683
Everybody's gettin' it but me.
83
00:04:16,656 --> 00:04:20,526
[Max] She's gotta be new.
I couldn't have missed those.
84
00:04:20,727 --> 00:04:24,264
[roaring] Alan!
85
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,633
[screaming]
86
00:04:26,866 --> 00:04:29,402
So, did you get laid
this summer?
87
00:04:29,569 --> 00:04:29,969
[boys laughing]
88
00:04:29,969 --> 00:04:33,506
-Max! How do you fare, buddy?
-Good, good.
89
00:04:33,506 --> 00:04:34,474
Hey, Max, who's the shadow?
90
00:04:34,474 --> 00:04:37,710
Oh, this is Farouk. He's staying
at my place this semester.
91
00:04:37,710 --> 00:04:39,979
No shit! All right!
92
00:04:40,513 --> 00:04:41,481
Gimme five, man!
93
00:04:41,481 --> 00:04:44,050
[strong accent] All right,
I give you five dollars.
94
00:04:44,050 --> 00:04:47,887
No, no, no. "Give me five,"
that's a greeting.
95
00:04:47,887 --> 00:04:50,590
Yeah, you see,
it's like this.
96
00:04:52,925 --> 00:04:56,396
[chuckles] I get you now, Max.
97
00:04:56,396 --> 00:04:58,965
Go on, give to me, five.
98
00:04:59,732 --> 00:05:02,935
You, you give to me five.
99
00:05:04,070 --> 00:05:05,705
[laughing]
100
00:05:05,705 --> 00:05:08,741
Very funny to be here
in the United States.
101
00:05:08,741 --> 00:05:10,843
[military drum rolls]
102
00:05:10,910 --> 00:05:12,078
Hi.
103
00:05:16,616 --> 00:05:17,450
You catch the new principal?
104
00:05:17,450 --> 00:05:20,320
[Alan] I heard he used to run
a military school.
105
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:20,887
A jarhead.
106
00:05:20,887 --> 00:05:22,855
Looks more like a potatohead
to me.
107
00:05:22,855 --> 00:05:23,523
[Farouk laughs]
108
00:05:23,523 --> 00:05:25,558
-Carp.
-Hey, Max, how's it goin'?
109
00:05:25,558 --> 00:05:28,861
-Good, Carp.
-So, uh, you like America, huh?
110
00:05:29,896 --> 00:05:34,667
Your run-of-the-mill
VD is curable.
111
00:05:35,902 --> 00:05:39,605
Herpes comes
with a lifetime guarantee!
112
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:42,041
So just remember this.
113
00:05:42,542 --> 00:05:43,676
You can eat
all the apples you like,
114
00:05:43,676 --> 00:05:46,412
but sooner or later
you're gonna bite the worm!
115
00:05:46,412 --> 00:05:47,714
Virginity has its advantages.
116
00:05:47,714 --> 00:05:50,683
Not for me. This is my last year
as a celibate.
117
00:05:50,683 --> 00:05:53,786
I haven't forgotten
what it's like...
118
00:05:53,886 --> 00:05:55,755
to be young and horny.
119
00:05:55,755 --> 00:05:59,425
Just don't forget those aren't
squirt guns you're packin',
120
00:05:59,425 --> 00:06:01,794
and you're not shootin' blanks!
121
00:06:01,794 --> 00:06:05,965
It only takes one shot
to ruin your lives.
122
00:06:06,432 --> 00:06:08,835
Not to mention the girl's.
123
00:06:09,569 --> 00:06:15,842
If anyone ever did that
to one of my girls, I'd...
124
00:06:18,010 --> 00:06:21,681
I'd have his balls for lunch.
125
00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:25,551
-[rings bell]
-Attention.
126
00:06:25,551 --> 00:06:29,122
-[indistinct chatter]
-[teacher] Attention, please!
127
00:06:29,122 --> 00:06:32,091
Attention, the bell has rung.
128
00:06:33,159 --> 00:06:34,060
[chatter subsides]
129
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:36,929
This semester we'll be
studying animal reproduction.
130
00:06:36,929 --> 00:06:41,868
We will start with single cell
organisms and we will progress
through the animal kingdom
131
00:06:41,868 --> 00:06:46,672
focusing on the reproductive
cycles of spirogyra, flatworms,
132
00:06:46,672 --> 00:06:50,777
-squids, cats and man.
-[Alan] Maybe an older woman.
133
00:06:50,777 --> 00:06:53,746
I'm sure you'll all share
my breathless excitement
134
00:06:53,746 --> 00:06:55,014
as we strip away the mysteries
135
00:06:55,014 --> 00:06:57,917
surrounding the biological
process of reproduction.
136
00:06:57,917 --> 00:07:01,554
May I tell you, class,
that in your enjoyment
of this class,
137
00:07:01,554 --> 00:07:04,824
you will be limited
only by your imagination.
138
00:07:04,824 --> 00:07:06,526
-I sincerely believe...
-Hi, I'm Liz...
139
00:07:06,526 --> 00:07:08,494
-[teacher] ...that in order
to know biology...
-Simpson.
140
00:07:08,494 --> 00:07:10,863
-[teacher] ...one must
do biology.
-What class is that for?
141
00:07:10,863 --> 00:07:12,198
[teacher] Let's embark
on this adventure.
142
00:07:12,198 --> 00:07:14,567
Let us begin our first
laboratory experiment.
143
00:07:14,567 --> 00:07:17,537
Uh, it's just sort of something
I picked up.
144
00:07:17,537 --> 00:07:19,605
Looks like it might be good.
145
00:07:19,605 --> 00:07:23,142
Stephanie Graham
and Mil Table, station one.
146
00:07:23,142 --> 00:07:27,046
Jackie Freeman
and John Bergdahl, station two.
147
00:07:27,046 --> 00:07:30,116
Alan Holt and Leslie Hindenberg,
station three.
148
00:07:30,116 --> 00:07:35,054
[Alan] Ah, beg me for more,
you brazen wench.
149
00:07:35,655 --> 00:07:37,056
[teacher] Alan?
150
00:07:38,558 --> 00:07:39,158
Alan Holt?
151
00:07:39,158 --> 00:07:41,894
Yes, Alan Holt,
you're at lab station three
152
00:07:41,894 --> 00:07:43,963
with Leslie Hindenberg,
thank you.
153
00:07:44,697 --> 00:07:46,532
-Hi.
-Hi.
154
00:07:47,767 --> 00:07:50,703
I'm sure you're all share
my awe at the way a single cell
155
00:07:50,703 --> 00:07:53,840
can reproduce and reproduce,
again and again.
156
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:56,609
-Like the Osmond family.
-[Alan laughs]
157
00:07:56,609 --> 00:08:00,012
Even the most innocuous
looking substances can be...
158
00:08:00,012 --> 00:08:04,217
well, they can be teeming
with fertile microorganisms.
159
00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:06,085
I will now come around
to every couple
160
00:08:06,085 --> 00:08:09,555
and give you your very
own bread molds.
161
00:08:09,555 --> 00:08:11,757
[class groaning and laughing]
162
00:08:11,757 --> 00:08:12,992
[girl] Hey, it's lunch time!
163
00:08:12,992 --> 00:08:15,928
[boy] Got any peanut butter mold
to go with this?
164
00:08:15,928 --> 00:08:18,498
[indistinct chatter]
165
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:22,168
[boy] Uh, salami mold,
some lettuce mold?
166
00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:24,103
-[Carp choking]
-[laughs]
167
00:08:24,103 --> 00:08:26,606
[whispering]
Look who's comin'.
168
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:30,009
Alan, will you light
my Bunsen burner?
169
00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:32,879
I don't think I can
handle it alone.
170
00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:37,083
[mocking] "Alan, would you
light my Bunsen burner?"
171
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:41,754
-[class screaming]
-[metal clattering]
172
00:08:41,754 --> 00:08:44,690
-[teacher whimpers]
-[body thudding]
173
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:50,229
Three times a dollar fifty
is four-fifty, right?
174
00:08:50,229 --> 00:08:52,598
-Mm-hmm.
-Think they'll stay out later?
175
00:08:52,598 --> 00:08:55,301
Jenny, did you put
that in the washer?
176
00:08:55,835 --> 00:08:58,538
It's my bra!
She snitched my bra!
177
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,006
-It fits.
-You wish.
178
00:09:00,006 --> 00:09:00,740
Take it off, Jenny.
179
00:09:00,740 --> 00:09:02,642
You'll get a training bra
when you're thirteen.
180
00:09:02,642 --> 00:09:06,245
I'm the only one in PE
who still wears an undershirt.
181
00:09:06,245 --> 00:09:08,881
I didn't get a bra
till I was fourteen.
182
00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:12,285
Nobody escorted me
on my first babysitting job.
183
00:09:12,285 --> 00:09:14,120
But your father drove
by the house every hour.
184
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:17,023
Only to make sure no boys
were hiding in the bushes.
185
00:09:17,023 --> 00:09:22,562
If Dixie-D cup doesn't move it,
we're gonna be late! Jenny!!
186
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:23,229
You don't have to shout.
187
00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:26,098
-[sports commentary on TV]
-Whoa, there!
188
00:09:26,599 --> 00:09:28,067
What about dinner?
189
00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:29,101
I'm on a diet.
190
00:09:29,101 --> 00:09:31,003
Sounds like anorexia to me.
191
00:09:31,003 --> 00:09:33,606
Does your pitiful existence
have to revolve
192
00:09:33,606 --> 00:09:35,107
around bugging me, twit-brain?
193
00:09:35,107 --> 00:09:37,610
Mom! She called me a twit-brain.
194
00:09:37,610 --> 00:09:40,646
[sighs] There are better words
in the dictionary, Leslie.
195
00:09:40,646 --> 00:09:42,348
What kind of people
are these Stonemans?
196
00:09:42,348 --> 00:09:45,952
Who cares? We're spending
the evening with their infant.
197
00:09:45,952 --> 00:09:49,989
I'll call you every hour or so,
make sure everything's A-OK!
198
00:09:49,989 --> 00:09:52,625
-[Leslie] Bye!
-[Jenny] Bye!
199
00:09:52,625 --> 00:09:54,727
[TV advertiser]
...because you never know
200
00:09:54,727 --> 00:09:56,662
if you'll take a blow.
201
00:09:56,963 --> 00:09:58,898
It's so quiet
when the girls are gone.
202
00:09:58,898 --> 00:10:03,603
[TV advertiser] You'll get
that 24-hour protection
and comfort...
203
00:10:04,070 --> 00:10:07,974
[snack packaging crunching]
204
00:10:11,911 --> 00:10:15,815
[rock music playing inside bar]
205
00:10:20,653 --> 00:10:23,723
[Alan] So, then she asked me
to light her Bunsen burner.
206
00:10:23,723 --> 00:10:26,158
-Is that a good sign?
-Sounds hot to me.
207
00:10:26,158 --> 00:10:28,828
What, are you waiting
for a formal invitation?
208
00:10:28,828 --> 00:10:31,897
Maybe bio's her bad subject
or something.
209
00:10:31,897 --> 00:10:34,934
My own brother,
a sexual retard.
210
00:10:35,701 --> 00:10:38,070
All I think about
all day is sex.
211
00:10:38,070 --> 00:10:39,271
That's a good sign.
212
00:10:39,271 --> 00:10:42,375
I look at everybody and I think:
"They know what it's like."
213
00:10:42,375 --> 00:10:47,380
I've got this huge black hole
in my life, you know?
214
00:10:48,047 --> 00:10:49,215
No.
215
00:10:49,281 --> 00:10:52,985
Why aren't girls as horny
as I am? It's just not fair.
216
00:10:52,985 --> 00:10:53,753
[Dinko] What can I say?
217
00:10:53,753 --> 00:10:57,023
Sex is a stacked deck
and women hold all the cards.
218
00:10:57,023 --> 00:10:58,991
Better get used to it.
219
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:00,860
Dinko.
220
00:11:01,694 --> 00:11:06,432
'Bout time I put this goddamn
machine out of its misery.
221
00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:13,839
Bad attitude.
222
00:11:13,906 --> 00:11:15,107
Good arm.
223
00:11:15,174 --> 00:11:16,976
[Dinko]
Feelin' better, Sunshine?
224
00:11:16,976 --> 00:11:19,078
I wish I was dead.
225
00:11:23,282 --> 00:11:26,118
[Ranada] Well, Doctor Ranada's
got just your prescription.
226
00:11:26,118 --> 00:11:28,854
Look, I just tossed
my cookies, okay?
227
00:11:28,854 --> 00:11:32,224
I mean, enough is enough.
Really!
228
00:11:33,025 --> 00:11:38,397
She's a slow starter,
but there's a tiger in her tank.
229
00:11:38,998 --> 00:11:42,334
That guy wrote the book
on how to strike out.
230
00:11:43,002 --> 00:11:44,036
Bet he's been laid though.
231
00:11:44,036 --> 00:11:46,405
Your time will come,
think positive.
232
00:11:46,405 --> 00:11:48,307
Now, what about
your bio partner?
233
00:11:48,307 --> 00:11:51,110
Leslie Hindenberg's
my bio partner.
234
00:11:51,110 --> 00:11:52,978
Coach Kong's daughter?
235
00:11:53,112 --> 00:11:54,480
Hope she's not built
like her old man.
236
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:57,950
-Oh, no, she's a fox!
-Well, so, hit on her.
237
00:11:59,919 --> 00:12:02,788
You're right.
I like your nose where it is.
238
00:12:02,788 --> 00:12:05,458
These are supposed to be
the best years of my life.
239
00:12:05,458 --> 00:12:08,194
[Melanie] Maybe if you went
blonde, or something.
240
00:12:08,194 --> 00:12:11,864
We'd still be stuck
with the same geeky guys.
241
00:12:11,864 --> 00:12:13,966
Wait a minute, Les,
I see a ray of hope.
242
00:12:13,966 --> 00:12:18,938
God, the man of my dreams
is alive and well on KBBZ.
243
00:12:18,938 --> 00:12:20,406
God, what a turn on.
244
00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:21,941
[reporter]
...as he proved late last night
245
00:12:21,941 --> 00:12:23,976
when he rolled his wheelchair
out of the VA hospital
246
00:12:23,976 --> 00:12:26,378
and onto the San Diego
freeway on-ramp.
247
00:12:26,378 --> 00:12:28,180
He's a little too "Ken doll"
for me.
248
00:12:28,180 --> 00:12:31,450
I mean, there's no pain
or passion in his face.
249
00:12:31,450 --> 00:12:32,318
He's too perfect.
250
00:12:32,318 --> 00:12:35,121
Oh, I'm not above perfection.
251
00:12:35,121 --> 00:12:37,890
Ted Vincent is my man.
252
00:12:37,890 --> 00:12:40,359
You won't believe this,
she's got a vibrator.
253
00:12:40,359 --> 00:12:41,060
[vibrator buzzing]
254
00:12:41,060 --> 00:12:42,461
[Melanie]
Good work, Les, she's on a roll.
255
00:12:42,461 --> 00:12:45,197
-What's it for?
-Curling your hair.
256
00:12:45,197 --> 00:12:48,434
[Melanie] I wonder if Ted's
into electronics?
257
00:12:48,968 --> 00:12:49,802
Earth to Les!
258
00:12:49,802 --> 00:12:52,404
Listen, I gotta go.
The Gestapo's gonna be calling,
259
00:12:52,404 --> 00:12:56,108
-checking up on me.
-OK, I'll catch you later.
260
00:13:08,154 --> 00:13:09,321
Cancer?
261
00:13:26,405 --> 00:13:29,041
[indistinct chatter]
262
00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:32,812
It's no joke, Mel!
263
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:35,381
It looks exactly like
a classic melanoma.
264
00:13:35,381 --> 00:13:38,083
Have you forgotten
your cold last spring?
265
00:13:38,083 --> 00:13:39,285
You swore it was TB.
266
00:13:39,285 --> 00:13:41,320
It was a severe case
of strep, Mel.
267
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:43,322
And, besides,
melanoma's different.
268
00:13:43,322 --> 00:13:47,026
For starters,
it's almost always fatal.
269
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:55,201
I haven't seen
you in a long time.
270
00:13:55,234 --> 00:13:56,368
How's your mother?
271
00:13:56,368 --> 00:13:57,136
-She's fine.
-Good.
272
00:13:57,136 --> 00:14:02,041
Now, let me check the, uh...
the area of the mole.
273
00:14:04,877 --> 00:14:07,613
I'm only checking
for raised areas.
274
00:14:07,613 --> 00:14:10,449
Doesn't look like
an ordinary mole does it?
275
00:14:10,449 --> 00:14:13,085
Don't be an alarmist, Leslie.
276
00:14:13,319 --> 00:14:16,155
I'm only checking
for coloration.
277
00:14:17,289 --> 00:14:18,891
Oh...
278
00:14:19,491 --> 00:14:21,126
Looks pretty dark
and sinister, huh?
279
00:14:21,126 --> 00:14:24,029
Now, now, Leslie,
although you're fair-skinned
280
00:14:24,029 --> 00:14:27,032
and prone
to the ill-fated melanoma...
281
00:14:27,132 --> 00:14:29,602
-this is only lentigo.
-Huh?
282
00:14:29,602 --> 00:14:33,205
Medical terminology
for harmless spots.
283
00:14:33,405 --> 00:14:34,073
Prone to melanoma?
284
00:14:34,073 --> 00:14:38,010
Leslie, you're a very healthy
young lady who worries too much.
285
00:14:38,010 --> 00:14:39,445
You can get dressed now.
286
00:14:39,445 --> 00:14:44,116
But if it would be reassuring,
you could come back in a month
287
00:14:44,116 --> 00:14:48,387
and I'll check
your entire body. Bye.
288
00:14:49,221 --> 00:14:52,558
[doctor] I told you not to buy
plants at gas stations.
289
00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:55,261
[woman crying]
But she looked so healthy!
290
00:14:55,261 --> 00:14:56,328
Maybe if I talk to her...
291
00:14:56,328 --> 00:14:58,197
[doctor] Talking can't save her
now, Bernice.
292
00:14:58,197 --> 00:14:59,632
[Bernice]
But she's not dead yet!
293
00:14:59,632 --> 00:15:01,000
[doctor]
It's only a matter of time.
294
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:02,501
Granted, she's got
a great pair of bulbs,
295
00:15:02,501 --> 00:15:05,437
but she's going to wither
and die before the new year.
296
00:15:05,437 --> 00:15:08,307
[Bernice sobbing]
297
00:15:10,943 --> 00:15:12,912
Are you all right, dear?
298
00:15:13,012 --> 00:15:14,480
I guess not.
299
00:15:15,547 --> 00:15:17,116
So, I says to Porter,
if you ask me,
300
00:15:17,116 --> 00:15:20,252
the foreign kid's not playin'
with a full deck.
301
00:15:20,986 --> 00:15:26,225
Never knows what team he's on.
Says we all look alike.
302
00:15:26,225 --> 00:15:28,394
Dad, did I ever tell you
how proud I am of you?
303
00:15:28,394 --> 00:15:31,096
I mean, even though I complain
about how embarrassing it is
304
00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:36,435
to be in the same school...
everyone respects you so much.
305
00:15:38,637 --> 00:15:40,639
I give it my best shot.
306
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:46,378
Leslie, your mother makes sure
you get the four basic
food groups,
307
00:15:46,378 --> 00:15:48,547
and you're trashing
three of them.
308
00:15:49,214 --> 00:15:54,053
Mom... [laughs]
it's so beautiful that every day
309
00:15:54,053 --> 00:15:56,121
you go to all this effort.
310
00:15:56,722 --> 00:15:58,991
It's just that I've lost
my appetite.
311
00:15:58,991 --> 00:16:00,626
That's very sweet, Leslie.
312
00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:02,461
Also, very suspicious.
313
00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:05,731
Jennifer, you and I have
certainly had our problems.
314
00:16:05,731 --> 00:16:09,301
Would you feel better
if I gave you my new
silver bangles?
315
00:16:09,301 --> 00:16:11,337
The ones I'm not allowed
to breathe on?
316
00:16:11,337 --> 00:16:13,305
Silver bangles aren't worth
fighting over,
317
00:16:13,305 --> 00:16:15,641
no matter how expensive
they are.
318
00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:18,477
-I'll take them!
-You're welcome.
319
00:16:18,477 --> 00:16:20,713
I'll clear the table now.
320
00:16:25,150 --> 00:16:28,721
Am I the only one
who finds this creepy?
321
00:16:30,723 --> 00:16:33,158
[principal on PA]
Your attention, please!
322
00:16:33,158 --> 00:16:35,060
This administration
is not amused...
323
00:16:35,060 --> 00:16:39,431
-[school bell ringing]
-...by the attack on our very
own Venus in the quad.
324
00:16:39,431 --> 00:16:41,100
[Max] You like this shit, huh?
325
00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:43,569
Mm, I like this shit very much.
326
00:16:43,569 --> 00:16:46,538
In America it's considered
the highest of compliments
327
00:16:46,538 --> 00:16:49,008
to say to your hostess
after a good meal:
328
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,542
"Thank you for the shit."
329
00:16:50,542 --> 00:16:52,277
How you-- how you say that?
330
00:16:52,277 --> 00:16:54,546
[speaking slowly]
Thank you for the shit.
331
00:16:54,546 --> 00:16:56,248
Thank you for the shit.
332
00:16:56,248 --> 00:16:57,750
Hello, Farouk.
333
00:16:59,551 --> 00:17:01,186
Some girls go
for the exotic type.
334
00:17:01,186 --> 00:17:04,189
Yeah, Farouk, let us know
if she's a moaner or a screamer.
335
00:17:04,189 --> 00:17:07,693
Hey, I had a screamer once.
She shattered her own glasses.
336
00:17:07,693 --> 00:17:10,129
Don't you talk
about anything but sex?
337
00:17:10,129 --> 00:17:12,097
What else is there, Ed?
338
00:17:12,164 --> 00:17:13,665
That's a tough one, Pittman.
339
00:17:13,665 --> 00:17:16,168
Don't pull a muscle
working on it.
340
00:17:16,468 --> 00:17:19,038
Just stopped by to warn you
that you're Chairman
341
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:21,240
of the Christmas Dance Committee
this year.
342
00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:23,542
Tell me when you get
the committee put together.
343
00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:27,679
Oh, feel free to resume
your insightful discussion.
344
00:17:28,647 --> 00:17:29,114
Mutant.
345
00:17:29,114 --> 00:17:31,750
Yeah, another example
of virgin brain rot.
346
00:17:31,750 --> 00:17:34,820
Don't let that happen to you,
okay?
347
00:17:35,087 --> 00:17:37,322
How's it goin', Farouk?
348
00:17:38,657 --> 00:17:40,626
Don't look now,
but here comes the lady
349
00:17:40,626 --> 00:17:42,528
that gives new meaning
to the word hard-on.
350
00:17:42,528 --> 00:17:46,498
Uh, this is your lucky day.
I saved this seat just for you.
351
00:17:46,498 --> 00:17:49,368
Sit on it, pal!
Hello, Alan.
352
00:17:49,701 --> 00:17:50,135
Hi.
353
00:17:50,135 --> 00:17:53,072
Say, uh... aren't you
in my bio class?
354
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:53,705
I hadn't noticed.
355
00:17:53,705 --> 00:17:55,407
Why don't you sit down,
take a seat?
356
00:17:55,407 --> 00:17:56,308
I'm bad but I don't bite.
357
00:17:56,308 --> 00:17:59,344
I do! I definitely bite!
Come on, Alan.
358
00:18:03,816 --> 00:18:06,718
Hey, Alan, who's the guy
with the bow tie?
359
00:18:06,718 --> 00:18:11,623
...we've got funds for holidays,
Hawaiian luaus,
Vancouver cruises.
360
00:18:11,623 --> 00:18:13,792
Oh, everybody calls him
Mushroom Malone.
361
00:18:13,792 --> 00:18:17,629
-Mm-hmm. Bet I can guess why.
-[laughs]
362
00:18:17,629 --> 00:18:23,268
[principal on PA] Any student
caught with a substance
commonly known as Wacky Glue,
363
00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:25,838
will be subject
to severe disciplinary action.
364
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:28,640
Score one
for the Wacky Glue Phantom.
365
00:18:29,174 --> 00:18:31,810
[pop music playing in diner]
366
00:18:32,611 --> 00:18:36,715
[Mushroom] I can make you
a great deal, you'll love it.
367
00:18:37,883 --> 00:18:40,786
I'm not kidding,
it's great stuff!
368
00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:41,487
You'll love it.
369
00:18:41,487 --> 00:18:45,858
It's all so unreal.
I feel like I ought
to do something.
370
00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:47,759
There's nothing
anybody can do now.
371
00:18:47,759 --> 00:18:52,197
I'll just go on pretending
nothing's happened.
372
00:18:52,197 --> 00:18:54,867
Cram a lifetime
into three months.
373
00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:56,735
There's so much
I wanna experience.
374
00:18:56,735 --> 00:18:58,403
-You mean?
-I always said I'd wait
375
00:18:58,403 --> 00:19:02,808
for the love of my life,
but I guess I'll have
to settle for...
376
00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:03,675
[both] ...sex!
[laughing]
377
00:19:03,675 --> 00:19:07,579
I gotta know if it's worth
all the time we spend
talking about it.
378
00:19:07,579 --> 00:19:11,683
Bad news, my research
says the first time's
never the best.
379
00:19:11,683 --> 00:19:14,553
Unless you go for someone
really experienced.
380
00:19:14,553 --> 00:19:17,523
It might be sweet if it was
the first time for both of us.
381
00:19:17,523 --> 00:19:20,926
It might be the pits. I've heard
it's harder than it looks.
382
00:19:20,926 --> 00:19:23,829
Yeah, really? Two dozen
Shriners with rubbers?
383
00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:28,834
Later, babe, I think I just saw
a major league pair of yapo.
384
00:19:32,571 --> 00:19:34,373
-[Pittman moans]
-[Liz yells]
385
00:19:34,373 --> 00:19:35,807
[Pittman grunts]
386
00:19:38,277 --> 00:19:40,212
Let's go.
387
00:19:43,615 --> 00:19:45,284
She's weird!
388
00:19:45,284 --> 00:19:47,686
I hear they call you Mushroom.
Got any?
389
00:19:47,686 --> 00:19:49,922
Wanna speak up?
They didn't hear you in Nevada.
390
00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:52,191
I figured with a name like that
you must be advertising.
391
00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:56,395
Would you sit down? Only takes
one narc to ruin your whole day.
392
00:19:56,395 --> 00:19:57,596
Really?
393
00:20:01,767 --> 00:20:03,302
Gnarly.
394
00:20:13,378 --> 00:20:16,215
[Alan] Doesn't this ever
strike you as absurd?
395
00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:16,748
[Max] What?
396
00:20:16,748 --> 00:20:21,420
All these adolescents,
desperate for human contact.
397
00:20:21,486 --> 00:20:22,254
[Max]
You mean horny?
398
00:20:22,254 --> 00:20:25,224
[Alan] Isolating themselves
in their own little prisons
on wheels.
399
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:28,727
Like a thousand lonely little
worlds doing a mating relay
400
00:20:28,727 --> 00:20:30,963
down the highway of life.
401
00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:35,000
[Max]
Hey, catch that, tits and drugs.
402
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:36,935
[Alan] Give me a break.
403
00:20:37,469 --> 00:20:39,571
Max! I love you.
404
00:20:39,571 --> 00:20:40,405
[boys laughing]
405
00:20:40,405 --> 00:20:42,241
[Max]
Pittman, you lunatic.
406
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:44,409
You know, you think too much,
that's your problem.
407
00:20:44,409 --> 00:20:47,312
You could use a problem
like that, Max.
408
00:20:47,312 --> 00:20:48,580
[scoffs]
409
00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:50,515
Leslie!
410
00:20:50,515 --> 00:20:55,487
Fate is calling you, Les,
and getting a busy signal.
411
00:20:55,487 --> 00:20:56,989
Think Max, Leslie.
412
00:20:56,989 --> 00:20:59,558
Oh, sometimes he gets
this look in his eyes.
413
00:20:59,558 --> 00:21:03,362
I mean, this is a man who knows
where to find your G-spot.
414
00:21:03,362 --> 00:21:06,498
Oh, Mel, I couldn't
find my G-spot.
415
00:21:06,498 --> 00:21:10,035
I kissed him once
in the second grade.
416
00:21:10,035 --> 00:21:12,271
Oh, he was hot even then.
417
00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:12,838
[Max laughing]
418
00:21:12,838 --> 00:21:15,340
He's not interested
in me, Mel.
419
00:21:15,340 --> 00:21:16,975
Well you gotta be gutsy, Les.
420
00:21:16,975 --> 00:21:19,711
Just call him up
and ask him out.
421
00:21:19,711 --> 00:21:21,747
All he can say is:
"No way, José."
422
00:21:21,747 --> 00:21:24,349
Right, then I just die
of embarrassment.
423
00:21:24,349 --> 00:21:26,885
Like, what have you got to lose?
424
00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:32,691
-[man] Hey, Max.
-How you doin'?
425
00:21:32,691 --> 00:21:35,761
"Is it too much to ask
for someone dark and mysterious,
426
00:21:35,761 --> 00:21:40,532
who reads and would talk about
life all night by candle light?
427
00:21:40,699 --> 00:21:44,303
I guess I'd better face reality,
boys are so immature.
428
00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:48,674
I'll get a diaphragm,
settle for no-frills sex."
429
00:21:57,516 --> 00:21:59,618
[dog barking]
430
00:22:00,018 --> 00:22:03,021
Well, why don't you take
the floor, Farouk?
431
00:22:03,021 --> 00:22:05,624
And I'll get the main dish.
432
00:22:07,693 --> 00:22:10,429
Oh, she means
it's your turn to talk.
433
00:22:10,462 --> 00:22:11,897
Oh, uh...
434
00:22:14,399 --> 00:22:18,670
I... I like United States,
very much.
435
00:22:20,539 --> 00:22:24,609
Uh, the people, very,
very funny to meet me.
436
00:22:28,046 --> 00:22:30,482
It's okay, sit down, Farouk.
437
00:22:30,482 --> 00:22:32,417
I have spent all day
438
00:22:32,417 --> 00:22:36,121
preparing your favorite
native dish, Farouk.
439
00:22:37,389 --> 00:22:40,092
Stuffed beef heart.
440
00:22:44,463 --> 00:22:45,964
[crying]
441
00:22:47,766 --> 00:22:52,571
I... You make me very
funny to be here with you,
442
00:22:52,571 --> 00:22:56,007
in America, my new family
in United States.
443
00:22:56,007 --> 00:22:59,144
I want to say to you now,
as my best friend, Max
444
00:22:59,144 --> 00:23:02,748
teach me to say...
thank you,
445
00:23:02,748 --> 00:23:05,851
thank you very much
for this shit!
446
00:23:05,884 --> 00:23:07,619
[glass shatters]
447
00:23:08,019 --> 00:23:09,755
[glass shatters]
448
00:23:09,755 --> 00:23:11,857
[school bell ringing]
449
00:23:11,857 --> 00:23:14,459
[Earl]
They're all Wacky Glued, sir.
450
00:23:14,459 --> 00:23:17,696
Damn terrorists.
This means war, Earl.
451
00:23:17,696 --> 00:23:18,930
No quarter given.
452
00:23:18,930 --> 00:23:20,132
[Farouk chanting]
453
00:23:20,132 --> 00:23:22,401
[rooster crowing]
454
00:23:27,139 --> 00:23:31,176
[Coach Hindenberg] Salamahega...
[sighs] ...roba.
455
00:23:31,176 --> 00:23:34,780
Aw, hell, is Farduke here?
456
00:23:34,780 --> 00:23:35,480
He's always late!
457
00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:38,650
[Max] It's Farouk, Coach.
And it's prayer time in Mecca.
458
00:23:38,650 --> 00:23:40,452
[blows whistle]
459
00:23:41,153 --> 00:23:42,687
Listen up!
460
00:23:44,423 --> 00:23:45,791
It took a long time
461
00:23:45,791 --> 00:23:49,795
to get funding
for this new wrestling mat.
462
00:23:49,861 --> 00:23:53,832
I want to see you treating it
like your mom's best carpet.
463
00:23:57,135 --> 00:23:58,603
Carpenter!
464
00:23:58,937 --> 00:24:01,039
[Pittman]
Hey, don't hurt him, Carp.
465
00:24:01,039 --> 00:24:02,908
[boy] Get him, Carp.
466
00:24:04,743 --> 00:24:07,913
First time I did it
was on my mom's best carpet.
467
00:24:07,913 --> 00:24:10,015
Left some rude rug
burns on my knees.
468
00:24:10,015 --> 00:24:13,151
A small price to pay.
I'd do it on asphalt.
469
00:24:13,151 --> 00:24:14,786
Oh, you like pain
with your pleasure?
470
00:24:14,786 --> 00:24:17,722
Hit on Hindenberg,
she's the pleasure
and he's the pain.
471
00:24:17,722 --> 00:24:22,194
Leslie? I wouldn't kick her out
of bed for eating crackers.
472
00:24:26,498 --> 00:24:27,766
Holt!
473
00:24:27,766 --> 00:24:30,035
Since you don't need
to listen to this,
474
00:24:30,035 --> 00:24:33,004
why don't you demonstrate
a take-down on Pittman?
475
00:24:33,004 --> 00:24:36,975
[laughing] But Coach,
he outweighs me
by a hundred pounds.
476
00:24:36,975 --> 00:24:39,711
-This is ridiculous!
-[Pittman growling]
477
00:24:39,711 --> 00:24:41,680
Easy, I don't wanna hurt you,
Pittman.
478
00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:43,215
[Pittman grunting]
479
00:24:43,215 --> 00:24:46,518
Come on, you guys,
this ain't no sock hop.
480
00:24:46,518 --> 00:24:48,720
-Come on! Come on! Come on!
-Want blood?
481
00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:51,056
[Coach Hindenberg] Get the lead
out, come on now!
482
00:24:51,056 --> 00:24:53,191
-[Alan roaring]
-[Pittman] Shit!
483
00:24:54,593 --> 00:24:57,729
[Pittman] Oh, wow man,
I'm sorry about your face.
484
00:24:57,729 --> 00:25:00,098
Get him off the mat!
Get some towels!
485
00:25:00,098 --> 00:25:00,932
Stop that bleeding!
486
00:25:00,932 --> 00:25:03,034
It's too late, Coach,
I think he's dead.
487
00:25:03,034 --> 00:25:05,770
No, you idiot, my mat!
488
00:25:05,770 --> 00:25:07,973
[Alan groaning]
489
00:25:19,651 --> 00:25:23,088
How about it, Max? Do I have
the stuff to be a blue flamer?
490
00:25:23,088 --> 00:25:25,190
Well, you got the gas, Carp.
491
00:25:25,190 --> 00:25:26,758
Uh, how 'bout a car?
492
00:25:26,758 --> 00:25:28,226
Well, Dad says
I can have it back
493
00:25:28,226 --> 00:25:29,861
as soon as I pay
for the paint job.
494
00:25:29,861 --> 00:25:33,098
So, cough up the bucks,
and then we'll talk.
495
00:25:33,098 --> 00:25:34,666
Okay.
496
00:25:34,766 --> 00:25:39,304
Alan, do you think your brother
could get me a job
over at the Lorelei?
497
00:25:39,304 --> 00:25:41,606
-Please?
-I'll see what I can do.
498
00:25:41,606 --> 00:25:45,176
I can hardly wait to see
what happens when you meet...
499
00:25:45,176 --> 00:25:47,979
the fascinating flatworm.
500
00:25:47,979 --> 00:25:50,282
Like the sea squirt,
it can reproduce asexually.
501
00:25:50,282 --> 00:25:54,653
Sometimes, the tail decides not
to follow the head and presto!
502
00:25:54,653 --> 00:25:55,887
-[chalkboard screeching]
-[all groaning]
503
00:25:55,887 --> 00:25:58,657
The worm's torn in two.
This is self-mutilation.
504
00:25:58,657 --> 00:26:00,992
Each part then regenerates
a whole worm.
505
00:26:00,992 --> 00:26:04,796
Reproduction has
taken place asexually.
506
00:26:04,796 --> 00:26:05,830
[door opens]
507
00:26:05,830 --> 00:26:07,165
[boy] Oh, here he is.
508
00:26:07,165 --> 00:26:08,900
Eric March.
509
00:26:09,634 --> 00:26:13,138
Eric March, this is your fourth
tardy this week.
510
00:26:13,138 --> 00:26:15,340
Please go to your lab station
immediately.
511
00:26:15,340 --> 00:26:17,809
Yeah, we be cutting some worms.
512
00:26:19,344 --> 00:26:22,147
Violent effect, man,
real New Wave.
513
00:26:22,147 --> 00:26:23,949
[boys laughing]
514
00:26:23,949 --> 00:26:26,885
Hey, yo, Hindenberg.
Why don't you sit down
515
00:26:26,885 --> 00:26:29,654
and take a load
off your mind?
516
00:26:29,754 --> 00:26:30,121
[fart sound]
517
00:26:30,121 --> 00:26:33,358
-[Pittman cackling]
-Damn it, Pittman!
518
00:26:33,358 --> 00:26:34,192
Mr. Pittman!
519
00:26:34,192 --> 00:26:40,999
Mr. Pittman, please.
Please give me that... balloon.
520
00:26:42,801 --> 00:26:43,935
[fart sounds]
521
00:26:43,935 --> 00:26:45,670
[giggling]
522
00:26:47,105 --> 00:26:50,342
You may now begin
to mutilate your flatworms.
523
00:26:55,647 --> 00:26:58,316
So, you're scoping
out the new girl, eh?
524
00:26:58,316 --> 00:26:58,950
Who?
525
00:26:58,950 --> 00:27:00,785
The one with the X-rated bod.
526
00:27:00,785 --> 00:27:03,822
[scoffs] No, I was talkin'
to Sharon.
527
00:27:06,825 --> 00:27:09,761
The guy's unconscious,
she's all yours.
528
00:27:09,761 --> 00:27:12,998
You snooze, you lose. Go.
529
00:27:17,402 --> 00:27:18,770
So, what do you
think of Nixon?
530
00:27:18,770 --> 00:27:20,672
So far, it's mayo on white
all the way,
531
00:27:20,672 --> 00:27:22,073
and I thought Cleveland
was straight.
532
00:27:22,073 --> 00:27:24,676
Try eatin' your lunch
on the football field someday.
533
00:27:24,676 --> 00:27:27,379
If the wind's blowin' just right
half the town gets stoned.
534
00:27:27,379 --> 00:27:29,848
How 'bout you, buddy,
do you puff up?
535
00:27:29,848 --> 00:27:32,884
[Alan] No, that stuff
kinda puts me to sleep.
536
00:27:32,884 --> 00:27:36,721
Uh-huh, no puff-puff, huh?
[sniffs]
537
00:27:36,721 --> 00:27:38,423
You always look so spacey.
538
00:27:38,423 --> 00:27:42,260
I guess I'm just
naturally hard-- high.
539
00:27:42,427 --> 00:27:44,996
Well, that's okay too,
I guess.
540
00:27:44,996 --> 00:27:48,066
Excuse me, people get stoned
541
00:27:48,066 --> 00:27:49,367
for doing something
such as this?
542
00:27:49,367 --> 00:27:52,270
It seems cruel
and unusual punishment.
543
00:27:52,270 --> 00:27:55,440
No, Farouk, getting stoned
is like smoking pot.
544
00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:57,342
-Grass?
-Yeah.
545
00:27:57,342 --> 00:27:58,677
Oh.
546
00:27:59,878 --> 00:28:01,880
My dad was talking
about you last night.
547
00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:03,782
He said you're pro material.
548
00:28:03,782 --> 00:28:04,449
Yeah, I have a good arm.
549
00:28:04,449 --> 00:28:08,820
He says you really stand out,
a real team leader.
550
00:28:08,953 --> 00:28:09,354
He said that?
551
00:28:09,354 --> 00:28:11,289
[scoffs] He treats me
like pond scum
552
00:28:11,289 --> 00:28:12,991
'cause I won't go out
for football.
553
00:28:12,991 --> 00:28:14,225
Oh, you've got it all wrong.
554
00:28:14,225 --> 00:28:17,028
You remind him of him
when he was younger.
555
00:28:17,028 --> 00:28:18,329
He really likes you.
556
00:28:18,329 --> 00:28:19,431
Could have fooled me.
557
00:28:19,431 --> 00:28:22,233
So, I was thinking that
if you're not doing anything
558
00:28:22,233 --> 00:28:24,769
Friday night,
maybe we could go out.
559
00:28:24,903 --> 00:28:29,474
Yeah, that sounds okay, except
that my Trans-Am's in the shop.
560
00:28:29,474 --> 00:28:33,178
That's OK, I'll pick you up
in my vulva-- Volvo.
561
00:28:34,012 --> 00:28:35,980
In that case, you're on.
562
00:28:40,819 --> 00:28:43,021
Her vulva! [chuckles]
563
00:28:44,789 --> 00:28:46,725
So, how'd you make out with Liz?
564
00:28:46,725 --> 00:28:49,227
-I think she's a loadie.
-So?
565
00:28:49,227 --> 00:28:51,229
Just can't get the hang
of these worms.
566
00:28:51,229 --> 00:28:54,899
There's less resistance
when they're semi-conscious.
567
00:28:57,068 --> 00:29:01,973
[TV announcer] We now return
to... Sands of Time.
568
00:29:02,340 --> 00:29:06,344
[character on TV] Why, Matt.
This is a surprise.
Can I get you a drink?
569
00:29:06,344 --> 00:29:09,848
Max? Max, I need
to talk to you, honey.
570
00:29:09,848 --> 00:29:11,783
I am very concerned
about Farouk.
571
00:29:11,783 --> 00:29:15,019
-[Max sighs]
-He's been slightly
under the weather lately.
572
00:29:15,019 --> 00:29:19,057
And... and I'm afraid he feels
somehow different
from the rest of you boys.
573
00:29:19,057 --> 00:29:22,494
Face it, Mom,
how many guys at Nixon
pray during fourth period?
574
00:29:22,494 --> 00:29:26,464
Well, as his AFS sponsor,
I can't help feeling responsible
575
00:29:26,464 --> 00:29:28,533
for the way he'll remember
the United States.
576
00:29:28,533 --> 00:29:32,137
These are impressions
he will carry with him for life.
577
00:29:32,137 --> 00:29:34,539
Perhaps you should ask him
to join your bridge club.
578
00:29:34,539 --> 00:29:37,208
I want you to take him
with you tonight, Max.
579
00:29:37,208 --> 00:29:38,443
I have a date tonight!
580
00:29:38,443 --> 00:29:39,477
And I don't know
about in Abu Dhabi,
581
00:29:39,477 --> 00:29:43,481
but in the good old USA,
only two people at a time
go on a date.
582
00:29:43,481 --> 00:29:46,885
Farouk hasn't had one single
date since he's been here, Max.
583
00:29:46,885 --> 00:29:50,188
Well, I can't imagine why.
He's had more offers
in three weeks
584
00:29:50,188 --> 00:29:52,023
than I've had
in three years.
585
00:29:52,023 --> 00:29:54,959
Please. Reach out, Max.
586
00:29:54,959 --> 00:29:57,896
[Max's mother]
Oh, hello, you must be Leslie.
587
00:29:57,896 --> 00:29:59,197
Hi, Mrs. Holt.
588
00:30:00,865 --> 00:30:03,201
-Hi, Max.
-Hi.
589
00:30:04,536 --> 00:30:06,471
You mind if Farouk joins us?
590
00:30:10,175 --> 00:30:15,013
In Abu Dhabi,
women sit in ass of car.
591
00:30:15,380 --> 00:30:17,382
Fascinating, Farouk.
592
00:30:22,253 --> 00:30:24,122
[Farouk]
Peaceful pastures.
593
00:30:43,141 --> 00:30:43,875
Is this our destination?
594
00:30:43,875 --> 00:30:47,145
Ah, yes, Peaceful Pastures.
Max tell me all about
this place.
595
00:30:47,145 --> 00:30:48,880
It's where people come,
park the car
596
00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:50,882
and make sneaky sex, no?
597
00:30:52,450 --> 00:30:53,518
[chuckles]
You might not believe this,
598
00:30:53,518 --> 00:30:58,022
but I come here a lot
to meditate about life
and death.
599
00:30:58,089 --> 00:31:00,925
Could we talk
about something else?
600
00:31:08,299 --> 00:31:10,568
[Farouk humming]
601
00:31:12,370 --> 00:31:15,607
Um, in Abu Dhabi,
we have a game.
602
00:31:15,607 --> 00:31:20,945
It's called, uh, how you
say... "Sit on the Bottle."
603
00:31:20,945 --> 00:31:23,114
Farouk, isn't it prayer time
in Abu Dhabi?
604
00:31:23,114 --> 00:31:25,450
No, no, no, no,
sun is down.
605
00:31:25,450 --> 00:31:27,585
It's up in Abu Dhabi.
606
00:31:27,585 --> 00:31:31,522
Oh, oh, okay,
I get you now, Max.
607
00:31:31,623 --> 00:31:32,290
I go pray.
608
00:31:32,290 --> 00:31:36,494
I go pray the coach
not find out. [laughs]
609
00:31:41,065 --> 00:31:43,534
I thought he'd never
take the hint.
610
00:31:43,601 --> 00:31:45,904
Let's not waste
any more time.
611
00:31:45,904 --> 00:31:46,304
[Max grunts]
612
00:31:46,304 --> 00:31:51,542
Uh, Leslie, uh, this might not
be the time to mention it but...
613
00:31:51,542 --> 00:31:53,511
[chuckles] Um...
614
00:31:53,511 --> 00:31:57,515
Your father said that he would
castrate anybody
that laid a hand on you.
615
00:31:57,515 --> 00:31:58,983
Oh, you know he didn't mean it.
616
00:31:58,983 --> 00:32:02,687
Oh. Well, um,
me and the guys,
617
00:32:02,687 --> 00:32:04,255
we weren't sure.
618
00:32:04,355 --> 00:32:06,157
Max, we're all alone.
619
00:32:06,157 --> 00:32:08,993
We may never pass
this way again.
620
00:32:08,993 --> 00:32:11,562
Let's not talk about Daddy.
621
00:32:14,532 --> 00:32:17,568
[Farouk whistling]
622
00:32:19,570 --> 00:32:22,106
[animal howling]
623
00:32:29,314 --> 00:32:30,648
[body thudding]
624
00:32:30,648 --> 00:32:32,483
[Farouk] Oh shit.
625
00:32:34,385 --> 00:32:37,422
[Leslie] It's about time
he goes for my bra.
626
00:32:37,956 --> 00:32:39,223
[Max breathing heavily]
627
00:32:39,223 --> 00:32:42,360
Oh, my God,
the hook's in the front.
628
00:32:45,196 --> 00:32:47,966
He'll never figure this out.
629
00:32:50,134 --> 00:32:53,671
Oh, God, now he thinks
I do this for a living.
630
00:32:53,671 --> 00:32:55,340
[Max moans]
631
00:32:55,740 --> 00:32:59,610
[sighs]
My hip bone is killing me.
632
00:33:11,990 --> 00:33:15,193
OK, looks like he's gonna
take the plunge.
633
00:33:16,060 --> 00:33:18,062
Brace yourself for rapture.
634
00:33:18,062 --> 00:33:22,367
-[Leslie screams]
-[Max] Oh, Leslie! Oh no!
635
00:33:22,367 --> 00:33:25,103
Oh, no, no, no!
636
00:33:25,770 --> 00:33:27,271
[Leslie screams]
637
00:33:28,006 --> 00:33:30,241
[Leslie] I can't believe this,
my dad is gonna kill me.
638
00:33:30,241 --> 00:33:33,311
-[Max] No, he's gonna kill me!
-[Farouk] Holy shit.
639
00:33:33,311 --> 00:33:38,149
[Coach Hindenberg]
Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go! Let's go!
640
00:33:39,584 --> 00:33:41,486
Come on, you're
slowin' down, Holt!
641
00:33:41,486 --> 00:33:47,025
I told him. Leslie Hindenberg
is lethal nookie.
642
00:33:47,025 --> 00:33:48,326
What a way to go.
643
00:33:48,326 --> 00:33:50,028
[Max thudding on floor]
644
00:33:51,162 --> 00:33:55,233
Come on, Holt, up!
Get on, move it, come on!
645
00:33:55,299 --> 00:33:58,369
Cross over, come on, come on!
646
00:33:59,237 --> 00:34:02,440
Even if I do get off
restriction before I die,
647
00:34:02,440 --> 00:34:04,742
no guy will ever
come near me again.
648
00:34:04,742 --> 00:34:05,710
I think you're overreacting.
649
00:34:05,710 --> 00:34:09,714
You didn't see my dad.
We're talking Godzilla on PCP.
650
00:34:09,714 --> 00:34:11,149
The Volvo is demo'd.
651
00:34:11,149 --> 00:34:13,751
That's nothing compared
to what he did to Max!
652
00:34:13,751 --> 00:34:16,087
Okay, write off the guys
at Nixon.
653
00:34:16,087 --> 00:34:17,655
Who else do you know?
654
00:34:17,655 --> 00:34:19,791
There's always
Richard from Filmore.
655
00:34:19,791 --> 00:34:22,427
You mean, Richard,
Pittman's brother?
656
00:34:22,427 --> 00:34:24,228
You guys broke up
two years ago.
657
00:34:24,228 --> 00:34:26,431
Only because I wouldn't let
him get past second base.
658
00:34:26,431 --> 00:34:31,135
Ha. I thought it was because
he had the personality
of a bobby-pin.
659
00:34:31,135 --> 00:34:33,671
He wanted me desperately, Mel.
660
00:34:33,671 --> 00:34:36,641
And he doesn't have my dad
for PE.
661
00:34:38,476 --> 00:34:39,110
Isn't that Liz?
662
00:34:39,110 --> 00:34:41,779
[Leslie] God, who'd ever thought
her dad's a cop?
663
00:34:41,779 --> 00:34:44,115
[Melanie]
No wonder she's so wild.
664
00:34:44,115 --> 00:34:46,384
-[bell ringing]
-[boy] Hi, girls!
665
00:34:51,722 --> 00:34:54,158
You know what the estimate is?
666
00:34:54,392 --> 00:34:55,726
Twelve hundred big ones.
667
00:34:55,726 --> 00:34:58,262
But she's been so angelic
this past month.
668
00:34:58,262 --> 00:34:59,864
Doing the dishes
without being asked.
669
00:34:59,864 --> 00:35:03,734
She even offered
to polish my spoon collection.
670
00:35:04,702 --> 00:35:05,870
A graveyard.
671
00:35:05,870 --> 00:35:08,773
What in the hell were they doing
in a goddamn graveyard?
672
00:35:08,773 --> 00:35:12,310
They were teaching Farouk
the American way of death,
like she said.
673
00:35:12,310 --> 00:35:15,113
Now, what would the three
of them do?
674
00:35:15,379 --> 00:35:18,516
I know what I'd do
in a graveyard with you.
675
00:35:21,652 --> 00:35:22,453
Oh, Lester.
676
00:35:22,453 --> 00:35:27,358
Lester, she's been so,
so good this past month.
677
00:35:27,358 --> 00:35:31,229
I just, I just hate to...
to ruin it.
678
00:35:31,229 --> 00:35:34,799
You know?
Take her off restriction.
679
00:35:34,799 --> 00:35:36,400
Oh, Lester.
680
00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:38,736
Oh, June...
681
00:35:38,903 --> 00:35:43,141
You know when you do this to me,
you always get your way.
682
00:35:46,711 --> 00:35:50,448
"Young white male seeks
bisexual white female twins
683
00:35:50,448 --> 00:35:51,916
with taste for parmesan cheese."
684
00:35:51,916 --> 00:35:53,351
-[Alan snorts]
-Check it out.
685
00:35:53,351 --> 00:35:55,920
Sometimes it's easier
to do it with a stranger.
686
00:35:55,920 --> 00:35:58,322
You're not suggesting
I'm this desperate?
687
00:35:58,322 --> 00:36:00,191
No. Just 'cause it's
Date Night USA
688
00:36:00,191 --> 00:36:03,694
and you're spending it
with your brother here
at the Lorelei.
689
00:36:04,662 --> 00:36:06,464
"Have uniform, will travel.
690
00:36:06,464 --> 00:36:11,802
Experienced nurse seeks
inexperienced male
for hands-on training.
691
00:36:11,802 --> 00:36:15,506
Call Inga at 555-5756."
692
00:36:15,506 --> 00:36:17,208
Gimme my zombie.
693
00:36:18,176 --> 00:36:19,677
Eight hours in this hell hole
694
00:36:19,677 --> 00:36:21,679
for five dollars
and sixty-three cents.
695
00:36:21,679 --> 00:36:24,649
Cheer up, Sunshine,
didn't Ranada say
something about a raise?
696
00:36:24,649 --> 00:36:29,287
Oh, that slimy cheesebag,
he wants to talk it over
in a room.
697
00:36:29,287 --> 00:36:33,191
Man, he tries anything,
I mace his face.
698
00:36:33,958 --> 00:36:37,929
Look at it this way, at least
the nurse would be enthusiastic.
699
00:36:44,435 --> 00:36:47,338
-[dial tone]
-[Alan clears throat]
700
00:36:47,338 --> 00:36:47,805
[woman] Hello.
701
00:36:47,805 --> 00:36:51,442
Hello, may I please
speak to Inga?
702
00:36:51,442 --> 00:36:52,977
Jah, this is Inga Borg.
703
00:36:52,977 --> 00:36:56,647
Uh, yeah, I'm calling
about your ad in the....
704
00:36:56,647 --> 00:37:00,218
Jah, sure. What is your name?
How old are you?
705
00:37:00,218 --> 00:37:03,254
And, uh, do you have
any infectious diseases?
706
00:37:03,254 --> 00:37:04,855
Uh, my name is Alan.
707
00:37:04,855 --> 00:37:08,492
I'll be 18 in June
and I don't have herpes.
708
00:37:08,492 --> 00:37:11,729
Uh, tonight is available,
can you get a room?
709
00:37:11,729 --> 00:37:13,564
Not now, Gunnar.
710
00:37:13,564 --> 00:37:13,965
Uh...
711
00:37:13,965 --> 00:37:15,766
Just come to lounge
at the Lorelei
712
00:37:15,766 --> 00:37:18,703
and ask the bartender
for the room number.
713
00:37:18,703 --> 00:37:19,971
Goodbye.
714
00:37:23,874 --> 00:37:27,845
So, how does one go
about getting a room?
715
00:37:28,346 --> 00:37:29,947
Gimme a shooter.
716
00:37:30,348 --> 00:37:32,984
You know, I spent an hour
in the john in 319,
717
00:37:32,984 --> 00:37:34,352
and it's still backed up!
718
00:37:34,352 --> 00:37:38,689
I have had enough
of this roach motel for one day.
719
00:37:42,860 --> 00:37:46,764
Three nineteen is yours.
Get the master key from Carp.
720
00:37:46,764 --> 00:37:48,499
Where's he now?
721
00:37:49,400 --> 00:37:51,702
[metal clattering]
722
00:37:51,702 --> 00:37:53,804
Does that answer your question?
723
00:37:54,538 --> 00:37:55,506
I wonder what's keeping Inga.
724
00:37:55,506 --> 00:37:58,709
I'll go see if the coast
is clear, okay?
725
00:38:04,615 --> 00:38:05,916
Good evening, Mr. Ranada.
726
00:38:05,916 --> 00:38:07,485
Is everything under control,
Carpenter?
727
00:38:07,485 --> 00:38:10,354
It's all hunky-dory, sir.
Except for the toilet.
728
00:38:10,354 --> 00:38:11,989
I wouldn't go in there
if I were you!
729
00:38:11,989 --> 00:38:15,493
-Carpenter!
-Sir, I can explain everything.
730
00:38:15,493 --> 00:38:17,495
I see you been talkin'
to Sunshine.
731
00:38:17,495 --> 00:38:20,631
I really dig the bubbly,
nice touch, kid.
732
00:38:20,631 --> 00:38:22,500
I aim to please, sir.
733
00:38:22,500 --> 00:38:23,634
TV workin'?
734
00:38:23,634 --> 00:38:26,304
Shit-sape, sir.
I mean, ship-sate!
735
00:38:26,304 --> 00:38:27,438
Whatever, Carpenter, whatever.
736
00:38:27,438 --> 00:38:32,376
When you see Sunshine,
tell her Mr. Goodbar
is waitin' on her.
737
00:38:32,376 --> 00:38:35,946
OK, pronto, sir.
Have a swell evening, now.
738
00:38:37,848 --> 00:38:40,885
[Ranada]
Let it beat and let it bleed.
739
00:38:51,028 --> 00:38:54,532
[groans] I don't believe it.
740
00:38:56,500 --> 00:38:59,870
[Ranada]
♪ I'm a sentimental kinda guy ♪
741
00:38:59,870 --> 00:39:02,440
♪ Kinda timid
Even a little shy ♪
742
00:39:02,440 --> 00:39:04,742
-Oh, God.
-[knock on door]
743
00:39:06,043 --> 00:39:07,778
[door opens]
744
00:39:08,679 --> 00:39:11,349
[Ranada] You're early,
my little raisinette.
745
00:39:11,349 --> 00:39:14,051
[Inga] Oh, no, I always
come on time.
746
00:39:14,051 --> 00:39:14,919
[Alan] Jesus.
747
00:39:14,919 --> 00:39:18,422
[Ranada] If only all women
could say the same.
748
00:39:21,125 --> 00:39:23,728
You dressed up
for Doctor Ranada,
749
00:39:23,728 --> 00:39:24,395
I like that.
750
00:39:24,395 --> 00:39:27,765
[Inga] You sound older than
you did on the phone.
751
00:39:29,433 --> 00:39:30,835
[Ranada] Sunshine?
752
00:39:31,068 --> 00:39:32,670
[Inga] Alan?
753
00:39:33,838 --> 00:39:35,706
[Ranada] What the hell.
754
00:39:37,742 --> 00:39:39,443
[Alan] Prick.
755
00:39:39,977 --> 00:39:41,779
You want something else,
Sunshine?
756
00:39:41,779 --> 00:39:43,714
On the house, of course.
757
00:39:43,714 --> 00:39:46,016
[laughs] Okay, hit me.
758
00:39:48,552 --> 00:39:50,087
I have not had so much fun,
759
00:39:50,087 --> 00:39:54,592
since Ranada broke his pinky
in the cash register.
760
00:39:55,826 --> 00:39:58,763
Too bad it wasn't his schlong.
761
00:39:59,096 --> 00:40:01,565
-[Inga] Jah!
-[Ranada moaning]
762
00:40:01,565 --> 00:40:04,034
[Inga] You respond well
to discipline.
763
00:40:04,034 --> 00:40:05,569
[Ranada screams]
764
00:40:05,703 --> 00:40:09,006
[Inga screaming]
765
00:40:09,039 --> 00:40:10,741
Don't panic!
766
00:40:10,975 --> 00:40:12,576
[Ranada] Do it more, you bitch.
767
00:40:12,576 --> 00:40:15,713
-[gasping, screaming continue]
-[Ranada] God.
768
00:40:21,786 --> 00:40:24,955
[Inga continues screaming]
No! No! Oh, jah!
769
00:40:25,156 --> 00:40:27,491
[Carp panting]
770
00:40:33,831 --> 00:40:37,134
-Are you all right?
-[Inga screams]
771
00:40:37,134 --> 00:40:39,603
[Ranada]
God damn you, Carpenter.
772
00:40:40,171 --> 00:40:42,807
[bell ringing]
773
00:40:51,115 --> 00:40:57,855
[teacher] The male squid
swims frantically searching
for a female to mate with.
774
00:40:57,855 --> 00:40:58,856
The story of my life.
775
00:40:58,856 --> 00:41:02,626
Then the squid slips one
of his long, supple tentacles
776
00:41:02,626 --> 00:41:03,894
deep inside his own mantle,
777
00:41:03,894 --> 00:41:08,699
and withdraws several
gelatinous packages of sperm.
778
00:41:08,699 --> 00:41:09,900
Commonly known as jerking off.
779
00:41:09,900 --> 00:41:16,006
"He then thrusts his sperm deep
into the female's body cavity."
780
00:41:16,006 --> 00:41:18,209
Mmm, how romantic.
781
00:41:18,209 --> 00:41:19,143
What happened to foreplay?
782
00:41:19,143 --> 00:41:25,983
The finale of this oceanic orgy.
Yes, class, unfortunately,
783
00:41:25,983 --> 00:41:27,518
all the squid expire.
784
00:41:27,518 --> 00:41:30,788
Hey, Max, sounds like
you and Hindenberg.
785
00:41:30,788 --> 00:41:32,590
[teacher] Lights.
786
00:41:32,790 --> 00:41:33,958
Mr. Pittman.
787
00:41:33,958 --> 00:41:37,828
Simply breathtaking,
gave me goose pimples.
788
00:41:37,828 --> 00:41:40,264
Almost makes you
wanna be a squid.
789
00:41:40,264 --> 00:41:44,568
All right, class, let's get
to our lab stations.
790
00:41:47,838 --> 00:41:50,140
Hey, Liz, where's your retainer?
791
00:41:50,140 --> 00:41:51,976
[Liz]
Shut up, kid!
792
00:41:53,143 --> 00:41:54,912
Max, Pittman says
the Blue Flamers
793
00:41:54,912 --> 00:41:57,982
are having their meeting
at the drive-in this weekend.
794
00:41:57,982 --> 00:41:58,249
So?
795
00:41:58,249 --> 00:42:02,753
Well, I paid off the paint job.
I can get my dad's car!
796
00:42:02,753 --> 00:42:04,989
Well, we'll take that
into consideration, Carp,
797
00:42:04,989 --> 00:42:05,890
whenever we discuss membership.
798
00:42:05,890 --> 00:42:08,959
All right, class,
today you'll start dissecting
799
00:42:08,959 --> 00:42:09,693
your very own squid.
800
00:42:09,693 --> 00:42:12,863
After removing its mantle,
be sure to determine its sex.
801
00:42:12,863 --> 00:42:16,133
And class, please be very
careful with the gonads.
802
00:42:16,133 --> 00:42:17,868
They're quite delicate.
803
00:42:17,868 --> 00:42:19,303
You actually ate one of those?
804
00:42:19,303 --> 00:42:23,240
Ah, squid.
It's very good with ink.
805
00:42:23,240 --> 00:42:24,675
I'll try anything, once.
806
00:42:24,675 --> 00:42:27,311
Anything? I'll take you up
on that this weekend.
807
00:42:27,311 --> 00:42:30,281
You mean, like go out
or somethin'?
808
00:42:30,281 --> 00:42:31,181
Well, I was thinking about it.
809
00:42:31,181 --> 00:42:33,784
There's something I'd like
to talk to you about, alone.
810
00:42:33,784 --> 00:42:36,220
It may be important.
It's very important.
811
00:42:36,220 --> 00:42:38,656
It's more important
than you think.
812
00:42:38,656 --> 00:42:41,659
-Friday night okay?
-Perfect.
813
00:42:45,195 --> 00:42:47,765
[dial tone]
814
00:42:48,766 --> 00:42:49,199
[woman] Hello?
815
00:42:49,199 --> 00:42:51,135
Hello, may I please speak
to Richard?
816
00:42:51,135 --> 00:42:52,236
[woman]
Just a minute, dear.
817
00:42:52,236 --> 00:42:54,672
-[door opening]
-[Jenny] Les?
818
00:42:57,341 --> 00:42:58,676
[Leslie]
Hello, Richard?
819
00:42:58,676 --> 00:43:01,245
Hi, this is Leslie Hindenberg.
820
00:43:02,146 --> 00:43:04,248
Yeah, long time no see.
821
00:43:05,149 --> 00:43:06,584
The reason I'm calling is...
822
00:43:06,584 --> 00:43:11,188
I got to thinkin' about how much
fun we used to have together.
823
00:43:11,722 --> 00:43:14,325
And I thought maybe you'd like
to get together,
824
00:43:14,325 --> 00:43:19,129
you know, for old times' sake.
Like maybe this weekend?
825
00:43:21,732 --> 00:43:24,969
Oh, I think we have lots
to talk about, you know?
826
00:43:24,969 --> 00:43:28,839
-I've matured a lot, Richard.
-[laughing]
827
00:43:28,839 --> 00:43:32,042
Sure, I'll return
your Van Halen records.
828
00:43:32,176 --> 00:43:35,012
Okay, great. I'll see you then.
829
00:43:35,779 --> 00:43:37,147
-Bye.
-Talk about hard up!
830
00:43:37,147 --> 00:43:40,317
Isn't he the one
with the personality
of a bobby-pin?
831
00:43:40,317 --> 00:43:43,120
I've changed, Jennifer,
I'm sure he has too.
832
00:43:43,120 --> 00:43:46,657
Now, get out of here.
Out, out, out!
833
00:43:46,657 --> 00:43:49,093
[groans] Fine!
834
00:43:51,695 --> 00:43:56,800
[man in film] Michael,
the girls in the Flower brothel
won't disappoint you.
835
00:43:57,668 --> 00:43:58,902
The car!
836
00:44:10,180 --> 00:44:12,016
Is there something wrong?
837
00:44:12,016 --> 00:44:14,952
Afraid so, Alan. I have
something I have to tell you.
838
00:44:14,952 --> 00:44:16,887
It's Mushroom Malone, isn't it?
839
00:44:16,887 --> 00:44:19,356
No, it's worse than Mushroom.
840
00:44:21,158 --> 00:44:23,661
[funeral music playing]
841
00:44:28,432 --> 00:44:34,238
-Is something wrong?
-Just... hold me, Richard.
842
00:44:38,809 --> 00:44:39,209
Leslie, uh....
843
00:44:39,209 --> 00:44:43,714
You used to love it when I...
kissed your neck, remember?
844
00:44:43,781 --> 00:44:48,152
And I remember
when you used to kiss my ears.
845
00:44:48,152 --> 00:44:50,320
It drove me crazy.
846
00:44:51,355 --> 00:44:53,057
[Richard] Ow!
847
00:44:53,157 --> 00:44:55,125
When did you pierce your ears?
848
00:44:55,125 --> 00:44:57,294
[Max] Hey, fasten
your seatbelts, Flamers!
849
00:44:57,294 --> 00:44:59,430
I had Brussels sprouts,
baked beans,
850
00:44:59,430 --> 00:45:01,999
-and date bars for dinner.
-[boys yelling]
851
00:45:01,999 --> 00:45:04,468
[Pittman] I had
Swedish meatballs, lentil loaf,
852
00:45:04,468 --> 00:45:08,372
marinated artichokes,
bon-bons with prune whip!
853
00:45:08,372 --> 00:45:09,339
[boys yelling]
854
00:45:09,339 --> 00:45:12,342
Max, tell me now.
What is this Blue Flamers?
855
00:45:12,342 --> 00:45:15,846
I'm not who you think I am.
There's a lot you don't
know about me,
856
00:45:15,846 --> 00:45:17,147
a great deal,
very much.
857
00:45:17,147 --> 00:45:19,416
Why pry?
I know all I need to know.
858
00:45:19,416 --> 00:45:20,217
No, you don't know.
859
00:45:20,217 --> 00:45:21,318
-I do know.
-You may not wanna know.
860
00:45:21,318 --> 00:45:23,921
What could I possible know
that would make me know you
861
00:45:23,921 --> 00:45:25,489
better than I know you now?
862
00:45:25,489 --> 00:45:29,193
Alan, I'm a narc.
Police Officer.
863
00:45:29,193 --> 00:45:30,928
When I finish my assignment
at Nixon,
864
00:45:30,928 --> 00:45:32,996
Mushroom and 36 others
are gonna be busted on Monday,
865
00:45:32,996 --> 00:45:34,798
and I'll be starting over again
somewhere else.
866
00:45:34,798 --> 00:45:37,034
Another high school,
another district, another town.
867
00:45:37,034 --> 00:45:38,302
That's what it means
to be a narc.
868
00:45:38,302 --> 00:45:41,004
You're the only one I'm gonna
miss when I'm gone, Alan.
869
00:45:41,004 --> 00:45:44,007
Those pill heads and pot heads
deserve what they get.
870
00:45:44,007 --> 00:45:46,310
A one-way ticket to the slammer.
871
00:45:47,511 --> 00:45:50,748
Is anybody gonna know
that it was me?
872
00:45:50,748 --> 00:45:51,515
Not unless you tell 'em.
873
00:45:51,515 --> 00:45:55,252
Oh, no chance in hell.
I can keep a secret.
874
00:45:55,786 --> 00:45:57,454
I knew I could trust you, Alan.
875
00:45:57,454 --> 00:46:00,424
And I had to tell you
because, well,
876
00:46:00,424 --> 00:46:02,392
even though I'm 30
and you're 17,
877
00:46:02,392 --> 00:46:05,295
I'm really attracted
to you, Alan.
878
00:46:05,863 --> 00:46:06,864
Of course, having sex
with a minor
879
00:46:06,864 --> 00:46:09,266
could get me off the force
and I have my career
to consider.
880
00:46:09,266 --> 00:46:13,303
But honestly, Alan,
I get all hot and weak
when I'm kissing you.
881
00:46:13,303 --> 00:46:14,772
Let's not talk
about wasted youth, Alan.
882
00:46:14,772 --> 00:46:20,410
Kiss me again and I'll throw
this badge out the window
and live for the now.
883
00:46:21,411 --> 00:46:24,448
Um, Liz, that is your name,
isn't it?
884
00:46:24,448 --> 00:46:28,485
It's Kathy. Reagan, no relation.
885
00:46:29,119 --> 00:46:31,555
I think I just wanna go home.
886
00:46:32,256 --> 00:46:34,458
[starts engine]
887
00:46:38,562 --> 00:46:42,232
-[boy 1] Anybody got a light?
-[boy 2] Light, light.
888
00:46:46,470 --> 00:46:47,871
To the eternal blue flame.
889
00:46:47,871 --> 00:46:49,540
[all reciting]
To the eternal blue flame.
890
00:46:49,540 --> 00:46:51,375
To the eternal blue flame.
891
00:46:52,976 --> 00:46:54,211
[Max laughing]
892
00:46:54,211 --> 00:46:55,345
[Pittman]
Max, Max!
893
00:46:55,345 --> 00:46:57,047
[indistinct chatter]
894
00:46:57,047 --> 00:46:58,248
-[Max farts]
-[Farouk screams]
895
00:46:58,248 --> 00:47:01,351
-[woman] Elmer, let's go.
-[man] I'm doin' it.
896
00:47:03,353 --> 00:47:05,522
Wait, wait,
I think I've got one.
897
00:47:05,522 --> 00:47:06,557
[Pittman] Oh, shit!
898
00:47:06,557 --> 00:47:07,991
[boy]
It's probably a little poop!
899
00:47:07,991 --> 00:47:10,360
[Pittman]
Yeah a little poo, yeah!
900
00:47:10,394 --> 00:47:12,830
[woman] Oh, my God.
Look at that!
901
00:47:12,830 --> 00:47:14,565
[man] Huh? Ah...
902
00:47:14,565 --> 00:47:16,466
[woman] He's on fire!
903
00:47:16,466 --> 00:47:18,836
-[screaming]
-[woman] Jerks.
904
00:47:19,503 --> 00:47:22,439
[man] You're sick!
You guys are sick!
905
00:47:23,373 --> 00:47:26,310
[Leslie] I really wanna
make it up to you.
906
00:47:26,343 --> 00:47:28,278
Leslie, you don't
have to do that.
907
00:47:28,278 --> 00:47:30,280
But I want to, Richard.
I want you.
908
00:47:30,280 --> 00:47:36,086
I want... I wanna let you do
everything I wouldn't
let you do before.
909
00:47:36,086 --> 00:47:37,454
Everything!
910
00:47:37,454 --> 00:47:39,223
Leslie! Leslie, I'm...
911
00:47:39,223 --> 00:47:43,093
I'm involved with somebody else,
right now.
912
00:47:43,093 --> 00:47:45,996
I don't care if you marry her,
Richard,
913
00:47:45,996 --> 00:47:48,398
I just wanna have you once.
914
00:47:50,167 --> 00:47:52,002
Leslie, I can't!
915
00:47:52,436 --> 00:47:54,605
Yes, you can, Richard.
916
00:47:55,505 --> 00:47:59,576
Remember how you used
to always want me to...
917
00:47:59,576 --> 00:48:04,281
What are you doing?
Leslie, he wouldn't understand!
918
00:48:05,115 --> 00:48:06,416
He?
919
00:48:08,151 --> 00:48:11,955
[man in film screaming]
920
00:48:11,955 --> 00:48:15,259
-[farting]
-[boys yelling]
921
00:48:16,360 --> 00:48:19,396
[boy] Yeah, man, I feel
mother lode settin' in.
922
00:48:19,396 --> 00:48:21,265
I'm with you, I'm with you.
923
00:48:21,265 --> 00:48:26,169
[all chattering indistinctly]
924
00:48:26,169 --> 00:48:28,572
[loud farting]
925
00:48:29,273 --> 00:48:30,941
[Max] Decent.
926
00:48:35,312 --> 00:48:36,680
[sighs]
927
00:48:37,114 --> 00:48:41,151
"What's wrong with me, anyway?
I never break out.
928
00:48:41,151 --> 00:48:42,419
I use a deodorant.
929
00:48:42,419 --> 00:48:45,022
People say I have
a cute personality.
930
00:48:45,022 --> 00:48:50,127
But my sex appeal's enough
to turn my old boyfriend
off women.
931
00:48:50,127 --> 00:48:55,432
I'm trying to be an easy lay.
Doesn't that count anymore?"
932
00:48:55,432 --> 00:48:58,001
-[boys yelling]
-[man] Get in there!
933
00:48:59,369 --> 00:49:00,037
[whistle blowing]
934
00:49:00,037 --> 00:49:02,439
[Coach Hindenberg]
Pittman, get your ass up here!
935
00:49:02,439 --> 00:49:04,141
Don't take it personally, Les.
936
00:49:04,141 --> 00:49:06,310
According to my mom,
a lot of guys these days
937
00:49:06,310 --> 00:49:07,311
can't get it up and get it in.
938
00:49:07,311 --> 00:49:11,615
For years, my dad's been
telling me teenage boys
want just one thing.
939
00:49:11,615 --> 00:49:13,250
I always thought
he meant girls.
940
00:49:13,250 --> 00:49:16,954
Hey, Sharon, Miss Bismark
says everyone suits up,
941
00:49:16,954 --> 00:49:19,189
even if you are menstruating.
942
00:49:19,356 --> 00:49:20,324
I hate that word.
943
00:49:20,324 --> 00:49:24,094
My mom always says:
"Is Aunt Tilly coming to visit?"
944
00:49:24,094 --> 00:49:27,264
-[both giggle]
-Mine just calls it "the curse."
945
00:49:27,297 --> 00:49:28,999
[Miss Bismark] Girls.
946
00:49:29,399 --> 00:49:32,970
[boys catcalling]
947
00:49:38,342 --> 00:49:40,177
[boys fall silent]
948
00:49:42,412 --> 00:49:45,382
[catcalling resumes]
949
00:49:57,027 --> 00:49:59,629
[Coach Hindenberg]
Wanna catch pneumonia?
950
00:50:14,144 --> 00:50:17,681
Is it my imagination,
or is Sharon Mondo pregnant?
951
00:50:17,681 --> 00:50:20,083
You don't know that for sure.
952
00:50:20,650 --> 00:50:23,420
Oh, yeah.
Maybe it's just a tumor.
953
00:50:23,420 --> 00:50:25,155
Not funny, Mel.
954
00:50:25,155 --> 00:50:27,124
I wonder who the daddy is.
955
00:50:27,357 --> 00:50:29,559
Moby Dick!
956
00:50:29,559 --> 00:50:32,429
[Miss Bismark]
Give it a rest, Pittman!
957
00:50:33,163 --> 00:50:34,664
[whistle blowing]
958
00:50:36,400 --> 00:50:36,800
[fart noises]
959
00:50:36,800 --> 00:50:41,371
That does it, Pittman!
We're gonna see Porter
right now!
960
00:50:42,372 --> 00:50:43,340
[Liz] OK, this is it! D-Day.
961
00:50:43,340 --> 00:50:47,177
[man] All right, but listen now.
I want you to remember
your radio mic.
962
00:50:47,177 --> 00:50:50,280
You got guys sittin' in a van
about two blocks from here,
963
00:50:50,280 --> 00:50:52,449
if you get in any
kind of trouble.
964
00:50:58,188 --> 00:50:59,489
Sharon, what's going on?
965
00:50:59,489 --> 00:51:01,458
Oh, I'm leaving school.
966
00:51:01,458 --> 00:51:03,560
Potatohead acted
like I was contagious.
967
00:51:03,560 --> 00:51:07,831
I said: "Look buddy,
there's no way you're
gonna catch what I've got."
968
00:51:07,831 --> 00:51:09,566
-[Leslie] You're kicked out?
-[Sharon] He said school policy.
969
00:51:09,566 --> 00:51:13,070
Can transfer to night school.
I said: "What about my job
at the med center?"
970
00:51:13,070 --> 00:51:15,305
-He said, take it like a man.
-[police sirens wailing]
971
00:51:15,305 --> 00:51:17,174
That's not fair,
ruin your whole life!
972
00:51:17,174 --> 00:51:19,843
Who's talking fair?
We're in high school.
973
00:51:19,843 --> 00:51:21,845
Correction,
I was in high school.
974
00:51:21,845 --> 00:51:24,848
-So, uh, who's the father?
-Just a guy.
975
00:51:24,848 --> 00:51:26,850
He said:
"I can't deal with this."
976
00:51:26,850 --> 00:51:28,752
I said:
"That's cool with me."
977
00:51:28,752 --> 00:51:31,688
Sharon, you don't have to tell
me this if it's too personal,
978
00:51:31,688 --> 00:51:33,757
but is it any good
the first time?
979
00:51:33,757 --> 00:51:37,794
It wasn't great, but we did
it again and it got better.
980
00:51:37,794 --> 00:51:40,697
Really? Wow.
981
00:51:41,665 --> 00:51:43,200
Do you really want this baby?
982
00:51:43,200 --> 00:51:45,335
Well, part of me says:
"What a drag."
983
00:51:45,335 --> 00:51:48,105
Another part says:
"You're a big girl, Sharon,
984
00:51:48,105 --> 00:51:49,873
you can handle this."
And besides,
985
00:51:49,873 --> 00:51:52,309
then I'll have someone
to talk to.
986
00:51:52,442 --> 00:51:52,809
God.
987
00:51:52,809 --> 00:51:55,278
I just wish the father would
call once in a while.
988
00:51:55,278 --> 00:51:57,547
I'll probably never see him
now that I'm out of here.
989
00:51:57,547 --> 00:52:01,118
-[whistle blowing]
-You're not out of here yet!
990
00:52:01,485 --> 00:52:03,320
[Sharon]
What do you mean?
991
00:52:24,608 --> 00:52:25,709
"I've been very selfish.
992
00:52:25,709 --> 00:52:29,246
I've been thinking sex was
more important than anything.
993
00:52:29,246 --> 00:52:32,516
I want to leave my mark in this
world and it must be more
994
00:52:32,516 --> 00:52:35,752
than a wet spot
in somebody's backseat."
995
00:52:40,290 --> 00:52:44,327
[Max] Definitely the work
of a genius. But is it art?
996
00:52:44,327 --> 00:52:46,463
Smells like Wacky Glue to me.
997
00:52:50,600 --> 00:52:51,801
[boy] Holy Jesus.
998
00:52:51,801 --> 00:52:53,470
[crowd giggling]
999
00:52:53,470 --> 00:52:56,740
Certainly, Sharon has
a constitutional right
to graduate,
1000
00:52:56,740 --> 00:52:59,276
but she can do that
at night school as I told her.
1001
00:52:59,276 --> 00:53:02,546
But, she's not a threat
to anybody else's education.
1002
00:53:02,546 --> 00:53:06,183
High school is not
a democracy, Leslie!
1003
00:53:06,183 --> 00:53:07,951
Think of it as the Marines.
1004
00:53:07,951 --> 00:53:09,686
Would the Russians
take us seriously
1005
00:53:09,686 --> 00:53:12,822
if we let the non-coms
call the shots? Hell no!
1006
00:53:12,822 --> 00:53:16,860
First they'd...
they'd laugh their heads off.
1007
00:53:16,860 --> 00:53:19,429
And then, they'd air-mail
the big one.
1008
00:53:19,429 --> 00:53:21,431
I don't wanna start a war,
Mr. Porter.
1009
00:53:21,431 --> 00:53:24,234
I'd just like to see Sharon
graduate with the rest of us.
1010
00:53:24,234 --> 00:53:27,337
[sighs] But you bend over
to accommodate one individual,
1011
00:53:27,337 --> 00:53:31,308
and the next thing you know,
you can't sit down for a month!
1012
00:53:34,611 --> 00:53:36,680
You know what's going on
out there?
1013
00:53:37,747 --> 00:53:39,583
No, I don't know.
1014
00:53:39,983 --> 00:53:42,719
[crowd giggling]
1015
00:53:45,222 --> 00:53:46,356
OK.
1016
00:53:46,890 --> 00:53:48,625
[boy groans]
1017
00:53:49,359 --> 00:53:49,826
[urine streaming]
1018
00:53:49,826 --> 00:53:53,263
Tears of joy streamed
from little Tammy Larson's
one eye, the other day,
1019
00:53:53,263 --> 00:53:56,399
when Santa Claus paid
an early visit
to her hospital bed.
1020
00:53:56,399 --> 00:53:59,970
Potatohead has no principles,
just regulations.
1021
00:53:59,970 --> 00:54:00,604
Hold it, Les.
1022
00:54:00,604 --> 00:54:02,806
The love of my life
is speaking to me.
1023
00:54:02,806 --> 00:54:05,976
The twinkle in Santa's eye
will be just a memory for Tammy.
1024
00:54:05,976 --> 00:54:08,278
So, there's a man
with principles.
1025
00:54:08,278 --> 00:54:09,346
You can see it in his eyes.
1026
00:54:09,346 --> 00:54:10,447
[reporter]
...may save her sight.
1027
00:54:10,447 --> 00:54:12,482
The Larsons, however,
have already exhausted...
1028
00:54:12,482 --> 00:54:14,484
Are you thinkin'
what I'm thinkin'?
1029
00:54:14,484 --> 00:54:14,851
[chuckles]
1030
00:54:14,851 --> 00:54:17,420
[reporter] The lights will get
dimmer and dimmer
for tiny Tammy
1031
00:54:17,420 --> 00:54:21,925
until the final blackout,
unless-- unless you and I...
1032
00:54:21,925 --> 00:54:24,261
[Leslie] I knew you'd
understand, Mr. Vincent.
1033
00:54:24,261 --> 00:54:27,397
It's a tragic story
that needs to be heard.
1034
00:54:27,397 --> 00:54:28,565
Me?
1035
00:54:28,632 --> 00:54:30,900
I'm a highly placed person
at Nixon,
1036
00:54:30,900 --> 00:54:33,970
you can just think
of me as Deep Throat.
1037
00:54:37,507 --> 00:54:39,342
Meet you in person?
1038
00:54:39,476 --> 00:54:42,512
At the Lorelei?
All right.
1039
00:54:44,514 --> 00:54:46,416
Goodbye, Mr. Vincent.
1040
00:54:47,417 --> 00:54:48,018
Ted.
1041
00:54:48,018 --> 00:54:50,820
[laughing] Did you hear that?
He said: "Just call me Ted!"
1042
00:54:50,820 --> 00:54:54,357
Oh, my God! I'm so happy
for you, I could kill you!
1043
00:54:54,357 --> 00:54:55,058
[both laughing]
1044
00:54:55,058 --> 00:54:57,494
Oh, God.
What am I going to wear?
1045
00:54:57,694 --> 00:54:58,528
Think sophisticated, Les.
1046
00:54:58,528 --> 00:55:02,499
If he finds out "highly placed"
means a senior at Nixon,
1047
00:55:02,499 --> 00:55:04,534
he'll never lay a hand on you.
1048
00:55:04,534 --> 00:55:06,703
You think I could pull it off?
1049
00:55:07,070 --> 00:55:08,838
Let him do that.
1050
00:55:13,343 --> 00:55:15,512
[Vincent]
Leslie, I ache for that girl.
1051
00:55:15,512 --> 00:55:18,782
But these days,
it takes a fucking quadriplegic
1052
00:55:18,782 --> 00:55:20,884
to wring those tear ducts
in TV-land.
1053
00:55:20,884 --> 00:55:22,786
But even though
she's not a quad,
1054
00:55:22,786 --> 00:55:24,721
if you'd seen her
cleaning out her locker,
1055
00:55:24,721 --> 00:55:28,558
cleaning out her dreams.
It would break your heart.
1056
00:55:28,558 --> 00:55:32,095
Hey, relax, huh? Relax.
1057
00:55:32,095 --> 00:55:34,564
Let's not start a downer here.
1058
00:55:34,764 --> 00:55:35,332
Come on.
1059
00:55:35,332 --> 00:55:39,903
Just relax, surrender
to your shoulder blades, Leslie.
1060
00:55:39,903 --> 00:55:44,908
Today is the first day
of the rest of your life.
1061
00:55:45,742 --> 00:55:47,010
Yeah, really.
1062
00:55:47,010 --> 00:55:49,646
Esalen taught me
to feel, Leslie.
1063
00:55:50,046 --> 00:55:53,717
Now, I suck up life
like a new born baby.
1064
00:55:53,750 --> 00:55:56,453
When I make love,
and I make love, Leslie,
1065
00:55:56,453 --> 00:56:02,525
I don't screw anymore,
I go all the way to infinity.
1066
00:56:04,361 --> 00:56:05,962
I think you and I
could find infinity,
1067
00:56:05,962 --> 00:56:08,631
maybe three or four
times tonight.
1068
00:56:08,998 --> 00:56:12,902
Excuse me a minute,
I have to use the bathroom.
1069
00:56:13,603 --> 00:56:15,939
Hey, I'll order champagne
for blast-off.
1070
00:56:15,939 --> 00:56:17,807
That would be wonderful.
1071
00:56:19,075 --> 00:56:19,809
[growls]
1072
00:56:19,809 --> 00:56:22,612
[pop music playing]
1073
00:56:23,747 --> 00:56:27,650
Hey, Mr. Dinko, we ain't runnin'
a day care center here.
1074
00:56:27,650 --> 00:56:28,418
But boss, he's my kid--
1075
00:56:28,418 --> 00:56:31,755
It's okay! Maybe the Sheraton's
a better place
for the Christmas Ball.
1076
00:56:31,755 --> 00:56:35,759
[Ranada] Whoa, whoa!
Why didn't you tell me
this was a business call?
1077
00:56:35,759 --> 00:56:39,929
-Here, give the kid a drink.
-Hey, 'bout time, Carp.
1078
00:56:40,096 --> 00:56:41,564
302 needs a bottle
of champagne.
1079
00:56:41,564 --> 00:56:45,468
-[Carp] It's halfway there.
-No, it's right here.
1080
00:56:46,903 --> 00:56:49,539
What kind of budget
you workin' with?
1081
00:56:51,474 --> 00:56:54,644
Wow, Ted Vincent!
1082
00:56:54,644 --> 00:56:56,479
There you are, kid.
1083
00:56:56,679 --> 00:56:58,948
-Thanks, sir.
-Hey!
1084
00:57:00,717 --> 00:57:02,619
-Thanks.
-Sorry.
1085
00:57:17,066 --> 00:57:18,635
You know, Leslie...
1086
00:57:18,635 --> 00:57:21,538
people like that pathetic
bellboy think I have everything.
1087
00:57:21,538 --> 00:57:27,477
Nobody sees the heartache
that goes with being
so handsome and famous.
1088
00:57:27,477 --> 00:57:30,079
"Hold the diaphragm down,
and press the opposite sides
1089
00:57:30,079 --> 00:57:34,517
of the rim together
between the thumb
and third finger."
1090
00:57:38,555 --> 00:57:41,624
[sighs]
Boy, this one's a mother.
1091
00:57:42,058 --> 00:57:43,193
[grunts]
1092
00:57:43,793 --> 00:57:47,664
Come on, Les, millions
of women do this every day.
1093
00:57:47,664 --> 00:57:49,466
[elastic springs]
1094
00:57:50,233 --> 00:57:54,938
I'll bet you do everything
with a savage intensity.
1095
00:57:55,538 --> 00:57:57,006
I know I do.
1096
00:58:02,645 --> 00:58:05,982
What are you doing
so intensely in there?
1097
00:58:08,251 --> 00:58:10,186
[water splashes]
1098
00:58:10,253 --> 00:58:12,789
Just have a check
in by the fifteenth.
1099
00:58:12,789 --> 00:58:14,123
And don't worry about the food,
1100
00:58:14,123 --> 00:58:16,559
our meatballs are the talk
of the town.
1101
00:58:16,559 --> 00:58:17,794
Especially at poison control.
1102
00:58:17,794 --> 00:58:20,029
[chuckles] You found the way
to his heart, kid.
1103
00:58:20,029 --> 00:58:23,533
-Where's Carp?
-I know where he is.
1104
00:58:23,533 --> 00:58:24,868
Follow me.
1105
00:58:32,609 --> 00:58:33,510
Oh, shit.
1106
00:58:33,510 --> 00:58:35,111
He's in here.
1107
00:58:44,754 --> 00:58:47,757
Jeez, I gotta fix this bastard.
1108
00:58:47,757 --> 00:58:51,060
Carp? Come out, come out,
where ever you are.
1109
00:58:51,060 --> 00:58:53,096
I think he's in the back.
1110
00:58:53,096 --> 00:58:56,199
You can't really hear
anything back there.
1111
00:58:57,000 --> 00:58:58,134
Carp?
1112
00:59:08,011 --> 00:59:10,847
Ah, at last.
1113
00:59:11,281 --> 00:59:13,683
I thought maybe you fell in.
1114
00:59:14,684 --> 00:59:15,985
Ambrosia?
1115
00:59:16,653 --> 00:59:17,954
Thank you.
1116
00:59:23,993 --> 00:59:26,329
Climb aboard the magic carpet.
1117
00:59:39,108 --> 00:59:41,177
Can we turn down
the lights?
1118
00:59:41,911 --> 00:59:47,083
I just want to make it...
special, you know, romantic.
1119
00:59:48,985 --> 00:59:52,188
You're here, Leslie,
that's makes you special.
1120
00:59:52,188 --> 00:59:54,190
And I'm a special guy.
1121
00:59:56,125 --> 00:59:59,228
I was hoping it would mean
as much to you as it does to me.
1122
00:59:59,228 --> 01:00:01,998
[chuckles] It does,
it means a lot to me.
1123
01:00:01,998 --> 01:00:03,766
I cancelled
a bunny for you.
1124
01:00:03,766 --> 01:00:05,969
But let's not talk
about me.
1125
01:00:09,739 --> 01:00:11,708
[grunting]
1126
01:00:11,874 --> 01:00:14,344
Listen, don't be
so uptight, kid.
1127
01:00:14,344 --> 01:00:15,712
You got nothin' to worry about.
1128
01:00:15,712 --> 01:00:19,782
I simply want you to relax,
lay back and enjoy.
1129
01:00:19,782 --> 01:00:24,320
Just let old Roberta
take complete charge here.
1130
01:00:24,320 --> 01:00:25,221
[Alan]
Do I have a choice?
1131
01:00:25,221 --> 01:00:29,826
Now, the first thing we're
gonna do is drop the drawers.
1132
01:00:29,826 --> 01:00:30,226
That's okay.
1133
01:00:30,226 --> 01:00:34,364
You gotta peel the banana
before you can eat it.
1134
01:00:34,364 --> 01:00:35,965
You don't mess around,
do you?
1135
01:00:35,965 --> 01:00:39,202
I take my men like
I take my liquor,
1136
01:00:39,202 --> 01:00:41,938
straight and hard.
1137
01:00:43,206 --> 01:00:45,408
Come on, come on.
1138
01:00:46,643 --> 01:00:50,079
Hey now,
just wait a second here.
1139
01:00:54,083 --> 01:01:01,891
Nothing personal, precious,
but I've seen the heartache
of herpes.
1140
01:01:02,825 --> 01:01:06,396
I can't, this is all wrong.
I don't even know why I'm here.
1141
01:01:06,396 --> 01:01:08,297
I thought you wanted
to help Sharon.
1142
01:01:08,297 --> 01:01:09,132
I do, but not like this.
1143
01:01:09,132 --> 01:01:12,769
[sighs] Now, look.
You do for me and I do for you.
1144
01:01:12,769 --> 01:01:14,370
That's what good sex
is all about.
1145
01:01:14,370 --> 01:01:18,908
Oh, please, don't.
I really never thought
it would come to this.
1146
01:01:18,908 --> 01:01:20,777
Baby, you haven't seen
anything yet.
1147
01:01:20,777 --> 01:01:22,378
I'm gonna take you to Mars!
1148
01:01:22,378 --> 01:01:23,312
[Vincent groans]
1149
01:01:23,312 --> 01:01:25,281
I'm 17-years-old,
Mr. Vincent,
1150
01:01:25,281 --> 01:01:27,050
and you can take it to Uranus!
1151
01:01:27,050 --> 01:01:27,817
You're 17?
1152
01:01:27,817 --> 01:01:29,152
And even if I never turn 18,
1153
01:01:29,152 --> 01:01:31,020
I'm gonna get Sharon
back in school,
1154
01:01:31,020 --> 01:01:32,121
with or without your help!
1155
01:01:32,121 --> 01:01:35,024
Hey, now, look,
there's no need to panic.
1156
01:01:35,024 --> 01:01:37,293
You know, I'm dying to do
that story on your friend.
1157
01:01:37,293 --> 01:01:41,264
Pregnant teenager, no future.
Wow! What a hook!
1158
01:01:41,264 --> 01:01:43,199
Do you think I can get
some air in here?
1159
01:01:43,199 --> 01:01:47,336
Sheesh, you really know
how to kill a mood, kid.
1160
01:01:48,471 --> 01:01:50,973
[panting]
1161
01:01:53,176 --> 01:01:57,847
Like I said, don't do much
for the atmosphere.
1162
01:01:59,882 --> 01:02:01,217
That's okay, kid!
1163
01:02:01,217 --> 01:02:05,221
Whenever you're ready,
you know where to find me.
1164
01:02:09,092 --> 01:02:10,493
[sighs]
1165
01:02:10,927 --> 01:02:14,964
You're just too much woman,
Roberta.
1166
01:02:15,498 --> 01:02:18,468
You're just too hot to handle.
1167
01:02:23,473 --> 01:02:24,073
[Vincent sighs]
1168
01:02:24,073 --> 01:02:27,910
Hi, tiger. Listen, sweetie,
I'm over here at the Lorelei
1169
01:02:27,910 --> 01:02:30,213
and I'm holding
a ticket to paradise.
1170
01:02:30,213 --> 01:02:32,281
Can you meet me in 45 minutes?
1171
01:02:32,915 --> 01:02:34,050
Ciao.
1172
01:02:36,219 --> 01:02:37,854
[warbles]
1173
01:02:38,287 --> 01:02:39,789
Yeah!
1174
01:02:42,525 --> 01:02:44,026
Alan, what are you doing here?
1175
01:02:44,026 --> 01:02:45,294
Uh, just lookin' for the Carp.
1176
01:02:45,294 --> 01:02:47,330
He's never around
when you need him.
1177
01:02:47,330 --> 01:02:48,197
What are you doin' here?
1178
01:02:48,197 --> 01:02:50,767
Um, my Aunt Tilly's
coming to visit.
1179
01:02:50,767 --> 01:02:53,136
She's a cleanliness fanatic.
I was checking the rooms.
1180
01:02:53,136 --> 01:02:55,438
Yeah, I guess so. Hey, you want
me to walk you to your car?
1181
01:02:55,438 --> 01:02:57,273
You never know who's gonna
jump you in a place like this.
1182
01:02:57,273 --> 01:03:02,311
[teacher]
Well, it seems that Mr. Bones is
caught up in the holiday spirit.
1183
01:03:02,311 --> 01:03:05,047
[class giggling]
1184
01:03:05,381 --> 01:03:07,083
Highly amusing.
1185
01:03:07,817 --> 01:03:11,287
[boy] Stuck on you
with Wacky Glue, Miss Post.
1186
01:03:12,555 --> 01:03:14,924
Leave him alone,
he's blind.
1187
01:03:14,924 --> 01:03:17,360
So much for Mr. Bones' humerus.
1188
01:03:19,929 --> 01:03:22,165
[phone rings]
1189
01:03:22,365 --> 01:03:24,534
[class jeering and giggling]
1190
01:03:28,171 --> 01:03:31,174
[boy] The old man got himself
pretty dead, eh, Max?
1191
01:03:31,174 --> 01:03:33,409
[class laughing]
1192
01:03:34,043 --> 01:03:35,444
That might have been
a critical call
1193
01:03:35,444 --> 01:03:36,379
and now we'll never know.
1194
01:03:36,379 --> 01:03:40,249
I've obtained a delightful film
on the reproductive system
of the horny toad.
1195
01:03:40,249 --> 01:03:44,921
Please be advised that this
material will be covered
in Friday's quiz.
1196
01:03:44,921 --> 01:03:47,523
[class laughing]
1197
01:03:54,897 --> 01:03:57,967
Now that we've all had our fun,
perhaps someone other than I
1198
01:03:57,967 --> 01:04:00,303
might hoist the projector
into place.
1199
01:04:00,303 --> 01:04:02,438
Please, Ed help me, now.
1200
01:04:02,438 --> 01:04:04,941
[applause]
1201
01:04:07,410 --> 01:04:10,313
[Pittman grunting]
1202
01:04:32,168 --> 01:04:33,936
Ready to roll
when you are, Ms. Post.
1203
01:04:33,936 --> 01:04:37,273
Pay close attention
when the male mounts
the female's back.
1204
01:04:37,273 --> 01:04:39,075
At his touch she releases
thousands of eggs,
1205
01:04:39,075 --> 01:04:42,979
as they come tumbling out of her
he spews sperm all over them.
1206
01:04:42,979 --> 01:04:48,584
I think that you'll agree
with me that in some ways their
courtship is almost elegant.
1207
01:04:49,051 --> 01:04:50,086
[class jeering]
1208
01:04:50,086 --> 01:04:54,490
Oh, my... no, no, no, no!
I know this isn't right.
1209
01:04:54,490 --> 01:04:57,059
I ordered A Tale of Two Toads.
1210
01:05:00,563 --> 01:05:04,233
I've seen this one before
at my cousin's stag party.
1211
01:05:05,067 --> 01:05:06,335
You're an animal!
1212
01:05:06,335 --> 01:05:09,205
You, you people,
you're all animals!
1213
01:05:09,205 --> 01:05:11,540
You're a disgrace to evolution!
1214
01:05:11,540 --> 01:05:14,277
[all cheering]
1215
01:05:18,547 --> 01:05:19,181
[Ms. post gasps]
1216
01:05:19,181 --> 01:05:22,652
[sobbing] Oh, Mr. Porter,
I just can't take it anymore.
1217
01:05:22,652 --> 01:05:25,421
I just can't take it!
I wanna go back to pre-school
1218
01:05:25,421 --> 01:05:28,157
where sex is a three-letter word
that nobody understands!
1219
01:05:28,157 --> 01:05:30,493
Easy, Ms. Post!
Get a grip on yourself!
1220
01:05:30,493 --> 01:05:32,628
Earl, you'd better check it out.
1221
01:05:32,628 --> 01:05:33,229
Yes, sir.
1222
01:05:33,229 --> 01:05:34,263
It was horrible!
It was horrible!
1223
01:05:34,263 --> 01:05:35,665
I mean,
I know it's a natural function,
1224
01:05:35,665 --> 01:05:37,266
birds do it, bees do it,
everybody does it,
1225
01:05:37,266 --> 01:05:40,303
but it's all they think about!
It's all I think about.
1226
01:05:40,303 --> 01:05:42,471
Come on!
Snap out of it, Ms. Post!
1227
01:05:42,471 --> 01:05:44,974
Come on! Heads up!
Heads up!
1228
01:05:44,974 --> 01:05:47,710
Shoulders back!
Suck in that gut!
1229
01:05:47,710 --> 01:05:48,277
Yes, sir.
1230
01:05:48,277 --> 01:05:51,147
'Cause you've got to stop
behaving like a woman!
1231
01:05:51,147 --> 01:05:56,052
In this outfit,
you are an officer!
You got that?
1232
01:05:56,052 --> 01:05:56,552
Oh, yes, sir.
1233
01:05:56,552 --> 01:06:00,289
Well, pull it together!
Take that hill.
1234
01:06:00,289 --> 01:06:03,292
Thank you, sir.
I'll do my best, sir.
1235
01:06:03,292 --> 01:06:04,460
Yes.
1236
01:06:07,063 --> 01:06:09,432
-[Ms. Post sobbing]
-[Porter groans]
1237
01:06:09,432 --> 01:06:10,333
Women!
1238
01:06:10,333 --> 01:06:12,101
[dog barking]
1239
01:06:12,601 --> 01:06:13,302
Our school system.
1240
01:06:13,302 --> 01:06:16,639
It's designed to make productive
citizens, of our youth.
1241
01:06:16,639 --> 01:06:17,573
Or is it?
1242
01:06:17,573 --> 01:06:18,641
Did I miss anything?
1243
01:06:18,641 --> 01:06:20,276
Shh, Ted Vincent's on, honey.
1244
01:06:20,276 --> 01:06:21,744
Sharon attends classes
at the med center.
1245
01:06:21,744 --> 01:06:24,046
She is intelligent,
she is ambitious,
1246
01:06:24,046 --> 01:06:26,248
she is also pregnant.
And there's the rub.
1247
01:06:26,248 --> 01:06:30,386
It seems that the school system
would rather see Sharon
on the welfare role,
1248
01:06:30,386 --> 01:06:31,387
than attending classes at Nixon.
1249
01:06:31,387 --> 01:06:35,424
Does the school system care
that this destroys her dreams
1250
01:06:35,424 --> 01:06:36,325
of a career in health services?
1251
01:06:36,325 --> 01:06:38,060
But Sharon's classmates do.
Meet the people responsible
1252
01:06:38,060 --> 01:06:40,229
-for bringing this
to our attention.
-There she is.
1253
01:06:40,229 --> 01:06:43,332
Leslie Hindenberg
and Melanie Taylor.
1254
01:06:43,332 --> 01:06:45,134
Miss Hindenberg,
Community Close-up
would like to know
1255
01:06:45,134 --> 01:06:48,637
why, in this age of apathy,
you cared enough
to get involved?
1256
01:06:48,637 --> 01:06:51,707
I saw a wrong
and tried to right it.
1257
01:06:51,707 --> 01:06:53,242
We hate all injustice.
1258
01:06:53,242 --> 01:06:55,244
Weren't you worried
that your actions
1259
01:06:55,244 --> 01:06:58,247
might label you
as a little trouble maker?
1260
01:06:58,547 --> 01:07:00,683
It just didn't seem important.
1261
01:07:00,683 --> 01:07:03,119
I think what Miss Hindenberg
is trying to say
1262
01:07:03,119 --> 01:07:05,554
is that she had the compassion
to put her own future
1263
01:07:05,554 --> 01:07:06,789
on the line for her friend.
1264
01:07:06,789 --> 01:07:08,524
Not many of us
would be so unselfish.
1265
01:07:08,524 --> 01:07:11,327
Not many of us have
only six weeks to live.
1266
01:07:11,327 --> 01:07:11,727
[splutters]
1267
01:07:11,727 --> 01:07:13,362
Leslie wants to use
her final days
1268
01:07:13,362 --> 01:07:15,164
-to do something for mankind.
-Melanie!
1269
01:07:15,164 --> 01:07:17,600
We'll be right back with more
on this inspirational story,
1270
01:07:17,600 --> 01:07:20,669
live and exclusively
on Community Close-up.
1271
01:07:20,669 --> 01:07:22,738
[announcer] We'll be right back
with more news
1272
01:07:22,738 --> 01:07:24,140
after a word from our sponsor.
1273
01:07:24,140 --> 01:07:26,542
That's just the question
I was going to ask you!
1274
01:07:26,542 --> 01:07:28,244
[doctor] What's wrong
with your daughter?
1275
01:07:28,244 --> 01:07:30,579
How the hell should I know?
You're the doctor!
1276
01:07:30,579 --> 01:07:34,183
It's a harmless mole,
she's not going die.
1277
01:07:34,183 --> 01:07:34,550
She's not?
1278
01:07:34,550 --> 01:07:36,585
No, and I did not tell her
she was going to die.
1279
01:07:36,585 --> 01:07:40,589
-You didn't?
-No, Leslie's fine. Goodnight.
1280
01:07:42,491 --> 01:07:44,794
Somebody's got some
explaining to do!
1281
01:07:44,794 --> 01:07:48,097
I knew it was too good
to be true.
1282
01:07:48,431 --> 01:07:50,232
But I overheard Dr. Fox say--
1283
01:07:50,232 --> 01:07:51,700
It's only a mole, damn it!
1284
01:07:51,700 --> 01:07:53,402
They're rarely fatal, honey.
1285
01:07:53,402 --> 01:07:55,471
Wait till everyone
at school finds out.
1286
01:07:55,471 --> 01:07:59,141
If you tell anyone
I'm gonna live, I'll kill you.
1287
01:07:59,508 --> 01:08:03,712
Hey, Hinden-- Leslie.
Give me five, buddy.
1288
01:08:03,712 --> 01:08:06,615
Hey, you did good, you know.
I'm real proud of you.
1289
01:08:06,615 --> 01:08:08,784
Thanks. I'm sure you'd've
done the same thing.
1290
01:08:08,784 --> 01:08:12,755
Hell, no, I'd probably be
too busy tryin' to get laid
or something.
1291
01:08:12,755 --> 01:08:16,358
Hey, Leslie, Leslie.
I was just thinkin'
1292
01:08:16,358 --> 01:08:18,527
I'm really gonna miss
that look on your face,
1293
01:08:18,527 --> 01:08:20,496
you know, when you
get really pissed-off.
1294
01:08:20,496 --> 01:08:24,867
Thanks, Tim, but the doctor
says I might be in remission.
1295
01:08:29,405 --> 01:08:32,675
Miss Hindenberg?
My deepest sympathy.
1296
01:08:32,675 --> 01:08:37,713
And may it ease your mind
to know that Sharon
will be coming back.
1297
01:08:37,713 --> 01:08:39,381
That's great.
1298
01:08:40,816 --> 01:08:42,585
No prints, sir.
1299
01:08:43,752 --> 01:08:45,688
[boy] Nice fish.
[laughing]
1300
01:08:46,188 --> 01:08:47,323
No, Max.
1301
01:08:47,323 --> 01:08:48,724
Mr. Holt!
1302
01:08:49,158 --> 01:08:51,460
Oh, you're a real comedian,
aren't you, son?
1303
01:08:51,460 --> 01:08:53,329
I like to laugh,
if that's what you mean.
1304
01:08:53,329 --> 01:08:55,764
All right, son.
If that's the way
you wanna play it.
1305
01:08:55,764 --> 01:08:58,267
You just remember that I've
got you under surveillance.
1306
01:08:58,267 --> 01:09:01,203
Sooner or later, you're gonna
step into your own glue,
1307
01:09:01,203 --> 01:09:03,772
and it'll be my turn to laugh!
1308
01:09:03,806 --> 01:09:05,441
Ha, ha!
1309
01:09:10,246 --> 01:09:11,380
[girls giggling]
1310
01:09:11,380 --> 01:09:14,216
[girl] No lie, Allison,
she never was gonna die.
1311
01:09:14,216 --> 01:09:17,419
That's what her little
sister told my little sister.
1312
01:09:17,419 --> 01:09:19,522
Hi, Candy.
Thanks for the card.
1313
01:09:19,522 --> 01:09:22,658
Hold onto it. Someday you
might even die for real.
1314
01:09:22,658 --> 01:09:23,893
[giggles]
1315
01:09:26,662 --> 01:09:30,266
Some people will do anything
for attention.
1316
01:09:35,304 --> 01:09:37,640
[bell ringing]
1317
01:09:37,640 --> 01:09:38,340
-Hi, Les.
-Hi.
1318
01:09:38,340 --> 01:09:41,610
I can't believe what you did,
telling everybody
you were dying.
1319
01:09:41,610 --> 01:09:43,746
I mean, everybody was
saying: "What a geek."
1320
01:09:43,746 --> 01:09:46,482
I said:
"There goes a true friend."
1321
01:09:47,883 --> 01:09:52,721
Well, well, well, if it isn't
the girl who would not die.
1322
01:09:52,721 --> 01:09:53,756
[class giggling]
1323
01:09:53,756 --> 01:09:57,660
In Abu Dhabi, nobody die.
You just come back in
a different body.
1324
01:09:57,660 --> 01:10:00,663
Yeah, Hindenberg, next time
come back with a boob-job.
1325
01:10:00,663 --> 01:10:07,269
Now class, today we climax
our adventure with a look
at human reproduction.
1326
01:10:07,269 --> 01:10:09,271
Unlike the promiscuous
alley cat,
1327
01:10:09,271 --> 01:10:11,340
humans may mate for love.
1328
01:10:11,340 --> 01:10:12,508
In the process
of careful selection,
1329
01:10:12,508 --> 01:10:15,678
humans can increase the odds
of passing on desirable genes.
1330
01:10:15,678 --> 01:10:18,514
-[Pittman] Like big tits!
-[klaxon blares]
1331
01:10:18,514 --> 01:10:19,648
[all groaning]
1332
01:10:19,648 --> 01:10:20,849
Thank you, Mr. Pittman.
1333
01:10:20,849 --> 01:10:23,752
For instance, can you do this?
1334
01:10:24,520 --> 01:10:26,755
You'll find that some of you
can touch the tip or your nose
1335
01:10:26,755 --> 01:10:28,357
with your tongue and some of you
simply cannot.
1336
01:10:28,357 --> 01:10:33,829
I can. Why don't you try,
and then look around
and graph the results.
1337
01:10:34,496 --> 01:10:35,898
Go ahead. Try it.
1338
01:10:35,898 --> 01:10:37,600
Hey, Leslie, glad to see
you're still around
1339
01:10:37,600 --> 01:10:40,736
to pass your genes
onto some little Hindenberger.
1340
01:10:40,736 --> 01:10:43,405
-[class laughing]
-[klaxon blares]
1341
01:10:44,006 --> 01:10:46,242
Thank you, Mr. Pittman.
1342
01:10:47,676 --> 01:10:51,880
"It's all I can do to get out
of bed and live
through another day.
1343
01:10:51,880 --> 01:10:55,651
When they started laughing,
part of me died.
1344
01:10:55,651 --> 01:10:58,020
All I can do is pretend
I don't care,
1345
01:10:58,020 --> 01:11:02,324
and move to outer Mongolia
when I graduate."
1346
01:11:09,665 --> 01:11:12,268
I can't stand
the silent treatment.
1347
01:11:12,268 --> 01:11:14,570
Yell at me if you want,
but say something.
1348
01:11:14,570 --> 01:11:16,639
Too late to kiss up now,
rat face.
1349
01:11:16,639 --> 01:11:19,508
As far as I'm concerned,
I'm now an only child.
1350
01:11:19,508 --> 01:11:21,644
Mom's really worried about you.
1351
01:11:21,644 --> 01:11:24,647
She and Dad are talkin'
about shrinks.
1352
01:11:24,647 --> 01:11:26,382
Unnecessary.
1353
01:11:26,382 --> 01:11:28,984
Tomorrow night's
the Christmas Ball.
1354
01:11:28,984 --> 01:11:30,352
Ask me if I care.
1355
01:11:30,352 --> 01:11:34,423
But Leslie, you were
doing a lot more living
1356
01:11:34,423 --> 01:11:36,392
when you thought
you were dying.
1357
01:11:36,392 --> 01:11:39,895
Now that you're living,
you act like you're dead.
1358
01:11:39,895 --> 01:11:42,398
That's so heavy,
I don't know if I can grasp it.
1359
01:11:42,398 --> 01:11:47,403
I thought high school's supposed
to be the neatest time
time in a girl's life.
1360
01:11:47,436 --> 01:11:49,838
Whatever gave you that idea?
1361
01:11:49,972 --> 01:11:54,009
I can't believe what my mother
had the gall to serve
for dinner last night.
1362
01:11:54,009 --> 01:11:57,079
Roast lamb's head
marinated in olive oil.
1363
01:11:57,079 --> 01:12:01,684
I almost puked.
Farouk, he loved it.
1364
01:12:02,351 --> 01:12:04,620
What smut are
you reading now?
1365
01:12:05,020 --> 01:12:09,792
Whoa, we're talkin' serious
desperation, here, Alan.
1366
01:12:10,826 --> 01:12:13,529
Can I see it
when you're finished?
I sure could use it.
1367
01:12:13,529 --> 01:12:14,830
Ha, ha, don't make me laugh.
1368
01:12:14,830 --> 01:12:18,067
No, no, really!
Guess how many times
I've scored this year.
1369
01:12:18,067 --> 01:12:20,502
No thanks,
it'll only depress me.
1370
01:12:20,502 --> 01:12:24,973
Zero. Nada. Zip.
Zilch. Nil and void.
1371
01:12:24,973 --> 01:12:27,976
Farouk moved in and
my social life moved out.
1372
01:12:27,976 --> 01:12:29,845
I can't go anywhere alone, now.
1373
01:12:29,845 --> 01:12:33,015
Except for the john,
and even that's not safe.
1374
01:12:33,015 --> 01:12:34,116
The guy doesn't knock.
1375
01:12:34,116 --> 01:12:35,351
I'm gonna die a virgin, Max.
1376
01:12:35,351 --> 01:12:40,756
I'm lookin' forward to fifty
years plus of today's celibacy.
1377
01:12:49,131 --> 01:12:53,802
[band playing upbeat pop music]
1378
01:13:03,612 --> 01:13:07,449
♪ Last night I thought
About you and me ♪
1379
01:13:07,449 --> 01:13:10,886
♪ And about that shiny little
Engagement ring ♪
1380
01:13:10,886 --> 01:13:14,790
♪ You never call me
And it's making me cry ♪
1381
01:13:14,790 --> 01:13:18,160
♪ You never call me
And I wanna die ♪
1382
01:13:18,160 --> 01:13:22,131
♪ But then this morning
When I checked the mail ♪
1383
01:13:22,131 --> 01:13:25,634
♪ Just one more ad
About the evening sale ♪
1384
01:13:25,634 --> 01:13:29,605
♪ Just breaks my heart
'Cause you did not
Send a letter ♪
1385
01:13:29,605 --> 01:13:33,976
♪ My friends are sayin':
"Boy, better just forget her" ♪
1386
01:13:33,976 --> 01:13:34,777
♪ 'Cause you never ♪
1387
01:13:34,777 --> 01:13:37,479
Hey, Hindenberg, you're looking
a little pasty there aren't you?
1388
01:13:37,479 --> 01:13:41,083
Say, uh, you're not gonna
croak on us again, are you?
1389
01:13:41,083 --> 01:13:44,787
♪ You never call me
On the telephone ♪
1390
01:13:44,887 --> 01:13:49,191
♪ You never call me
And I'm so alone ♪
1391
01:13:52,161 --> 01:13:55,130
♪ Maybe someday
I'll get you back again ♪
1392
01:13:55,130 --> 01:13:59,868
♪ There ain't no tellin'
When I might be a winner ♪
1393
01:14:00,068 --> 01:14:02,838
♪ Maybe someday
I'll make you understand ♪
1394
01:14:02,838 --> 01:14:06,074
♪ You can't ever live
Without me ♪
1395
01:14:06,074 --> 01:14:10,179
♪ No, I play guitar
And I sing in a band ♪
1396
01:14:10,179 --> 01:14:14,183
♪ There ain't no reason
Why you shouldn't like me ♪
1397
01:14:14,183 --> 01:14:17,753
♪ Last time I saw you
You were walkin' hand in hand ♪
1398
01:14:17,753 --> 01:14:21,723
♪ With some other guy
That I'd never seen before ♪
1399
01:14:21,723 --> 01:14:23,792
♪ And you never ♪
1400
01:14:25,494 --> 01:14:27,830
♪ You never call me ♪
1401
01:14:28,730 --> 01:14:32,534
♪ You never call me
On the telephone ♪
1402
01:14:32,534 --> 01:14:36,939
♪ You never call me
And I'm so alone ♪
1403
01:14:53,522 --> 01:14:56,859
♪ I took you dancing
On your birthday in Harlem ♪
1404
01:14:56,859 --> 01:15:00,863
♪ And I don't like dancing
But I knew you would ♪
1405
01:15:00,863 --> 01:15:03,265
♪ You left me standing
By the disco... ♪
1406
01:15:03,265 --> 01:15:05,267
They make 'em that big
in Abu Dhabi?
1407
01:15:05,267 --> 01:15:08,570
Breath test patrol, can you
touch your finger to your nose?
1408
01:15:08,570 --> 01:15:10,272
Cool it, Mel,
you wanna get us busted?
1409
01:15:10,272 --> 01:15:11,006
Bribe me, I'm easy.
1410
01:15:11,006 --> 01:15:13,976
I feel so happy, Max.
That give me good head.
1411
01:15:13,976 --> 01:15:14,743
Yeah, if only it could.
1412
01:15:14,743 --> 01:15:17,713
The only thing I need to
make this party just perfect,
1413
01:15:17,713 --> 01:15:20,048
is a beautiful woman
to love me.
1414
01:15:20,048 --> 01:15:20,782
Yeah, I can relate.
1415
01:15:20,782 --> 01:15:21,917
They're not hard to find
if you look, Max.
1416
01:15:21,917 --> 01:15:26,522
She may be just a step away,
just waiting for you
to ask her to dance.
1417
01:15:26,722 --> 01:15:29,525
♪ You never call me ♪
1418
01:15:30,058 --> 01:15:33,829
♪ You never call me
On the telephone ♪
1419
01:15:34,096 --> 01:15:37,566
♪ You never call me ♪
1420
01:15:37,966 --> 01:15:41,937
♪ You never never never ♪
1421
01:15:42,571 --> 01:15:44,873
Hi, Leslie. Lookin' good.
1422
01:15:44,873 --> 01:15:45,908
Want some punch?
1423
01:15:45,908 --> 01:15:47,876
[crowd cheering]
1424
01:15:47,910 --> 01:15:50,045
[band playing midtempo music]
1425
01:15:50,045 --> 01:15:52,548
[Leslie] Carp, you got
meat sauce in it.
1426
01:15:52,548 --> 01:15:54,249
[laughing] I'm sorry.
1427
01:15:54,316 --> 01:15:56,118
OK, here we go.
1428
01:15:56,251 --> 01:15:57,986
[Leslie]
That's good.
1429
01:15:58,153 --> 01:15:59,221
Okay.
1430
01:15:59,221 --> 01:16:01,223
-Carp?
-Yeah.
1431
01:16:01,256 --> 01:16:02,024
How you doin'?
1432
01:16:02,024 --> 01:16:04,927
Oh, I'm doin' great.
Have a good day.
1433
01:16:12,834 --> 01:16:15,737
-You wanna dance?
-Sure.
1434
01:16:29,685 --> 01:16:32,254
Even trade, Carp.
Two of these babies for a room.
1435
01:16:32,254 --> 01:16:35,691
Those? Um, red pills
give me hives.
1436
01:16:35,857 --> 01:16:38,594
-Aren't you on probation?
-That's the point, man!
1437
01:16:38,594 --> 01:16:41,063
I can't party in public
these days.
1438
01:16:41,063 --> 01:16:43,765
Hey, Ms. Post!
Are you havin' a good time?
1439
01:16:43,765 --> 01:16:45,634
Oh, yes, thank you very much,
Mr. Holt, I am.
1440
01:16:45,634 --> 01:16:50,672
Mr. Holt, might I have some
of that ethanol tucked under
your coat, there?
1441
01:16:51,740 --> 01:16:53,008
Yeah.
1442
01:16:53,709 --> 01:16:54,743
Cheers.
1443
01:16:54,743 --> 01:16:56,378
-[chokes]
-[laughing]
1444
01:16:56,378 --> 01:16:57,312
You like it?
1445
01:16:57,312 --> 01:16:58,947
Very fine, carry on.
1446
01:16:58,947 --> 01:17:03,318
Melanie, I give you box of candy
and then you go out with me.
1447
01:17:03,318 --> 01:17:06,688
Thanks anyway, but chocolate
makes me break out.
1448
01:17:06,688 --> 01:17:07,990
Oh, shit.
1449
01:17:08,190 --> 01:17:10,692
[Mushroom and Pittman howling]
1450
01:17:10,692 --> 01:17:12,060
It's 104!
1451
01:17:26,375 --> 01:17:28,276
Great genes!
1452
01:17:30,646 --> 01:17:33,982
These bells are
giving me a migraine.
1453
01:17:35,050 --> 01:17:36,351
Excuse me.
1454
01:17:37,119 --> 01:17:39,021
What's your name?
1455
01:17:39,254 --> 01:17:39,855
Dinko.
1456
01:17:39,855 --> 01:17:45,060
Mr. Dinko, would you like
to dance with me?
1457
01:17:48,163 --> 01:17:49,831
I love this woman.
1458
01:17:50,999 --> 01:17:53,935
Love is a four letter word.
1459
01:17:53,935 --> 01:17:58,306
-Guess who.
-It sure ain't Santa Claus.
1460
01:18:09,985 --> 01:18:13,789
[pop music playing
in hotel room]
1461
01:18:18,060 --> 01:18:20,929
[indistinct chatter]
1462
01:18:35,210 --> 01:18:39,781
No shit, I met some great
connections in drug school.
1463
01:18:39,781 --> 01:18:42,017
You name it, I can get it.
1464
01:18:42,184 --> 01:18:44,920
No thanks,
I never touch that stuff.
1465
01:18:44,920 --> 01:18:47,489
Hey, mellow out, Edstein!
1466
01:18:47,489 --> 01:18:48,957
Sit down and party.
1467
01:18:48,957 --> 01:18:51,460
Thanks, I like the view
from here.
1468
01:18:53,729 --> 01:18:56,398
Oh, you change your mind?
1469
01:18:59,868 --> 01:19:02,871
I mean, it changed the way
I looked at things,
1470
01:19:02,871 --> 01:19:05,440
like the meaning of life,
death and sex.
1471
01:19:05,440 --> 01:19:06,942
You left out love.
1472
01:19:06,942 --> 01:19:09,344
I didn't think I had time
for that.
1473
01:19:09,344 --> 01:19:13,448
Yeah, me neither.
I just wanted to get laid.
1474
01:19:13,448 --> 01:19:15,817
You mean, you haven't either?
1475
01:19:19,955 --> 01:19:24,159
When I was a girl,
we learned Latin in school
1476
01:19:24,159 --> 01:19:26,061
and sex in the streets.
1477
01:19:26,061 --> 01:19:30,966
Now how are they gonna
learn Latin in the streets?
1478
01:19:30,966 --> 01:19:34,236
Well, I'll have to think
about that one, Mrs. Fish.
1479
01:19:34,236 --> 01:19:35,137
[both laugh]
1480
01:19:35,137 --> 01:19:37,873
Will you excuse me,
just for a moment?
1481
01:19:37,873 --> 01:19:39,307
Just a moment.
1482
01:19:39,307 --> 01:19:43,178
[pants tearing]
1483
01:19:44,880 --> 01:19:47,415
-[Mrs. Fish screams]
-Damn it!
1484
01:19:47,415 --> 01:19:50,185
Melanie, you need new clothes.
1485
01:19:50,185 --> 01:19:53,288
I buy you dress,
you go out with me.
1486
01:19:53,288 --> 01:19:56,424
See, Max,
Farouk's got the right idea.
1487
01:19:56,424 --> 01:19:58,193
All you have to do is ask.
1488
01:19:58,193 --> 01:20:00,028
Give her an offer
she can't refuse.
1489
01:20:00,028 --> 01:20:05,867
Melanie, I buy you Mercedes,
you go out with me.
1490
01:20:05,867 --> 01:20:08,970
Hey, come off it, Farouk,
you cannot buy her a Mercedes.
1491
01:20:08,970 --> 01:20:14,376
Yes, I can, Max. I have,
uh, four in Abu Dhabi.
1492
01:20:14,376 --> 01:20:16,978
And many, many travelers'
checks.
1493
01:20:16,978 --> 01:20:20,182
Then, what are you
doin' ridin' around with me?
1494
01:20:20,182 --> 01:20:21,249
I like you, Max.
1495
01:20:21,249 --> 01:20:23,885
Besides, I have chauffeur
in Abu Dhabi.
1496
01:20:23,885 --> 01:20:29,090
Gee, Farouk, I didn't know you
were into expensive German cars.
1497
01:20:31,259 --> 01:20:34,830
Okay, okay, God,
but from now on,
1498
01:20:34,830 --> 01:20:40,836
I set my own shifts,
at 4.50 an hour, plus tips.
1499
01:20:40,836 --> 01:20:42,137
You got it.
1500
01:20:45,874 --> 01:20:47,309
[woman screams]
1501
01:20:47,943 --> 01:20:50,846
Excuse me. Wrong room.
1502
01:20:50,846 --> 01:20:56,451
Damn that Carpenter, come on.
I swore he said room 105 was....
1503
01:20:56,618 --> 01:20:58,520
[laughing]
1504
01:20:58,520 --> 01:21:03,859
Hey, buddy, know where
I can get some ice
in this roach motel?
1505
01:21:03,859 --> 01:21:05,961
Carpenter!
1506
01:21:06,161 --> 01:21:07,996
Give me that bucket.
1507
01:21:09,231 --> 01:21:09,898
Gimme the bucket!
1508
01:21:09,898 --> 01:21:12,367
Oh! Gimme the bucket,
you break it, you pay for it!
1509
01:21:12,367 --> 01:21:16,905
[laughs] Hey Carp, do somethin',
this guy's got a burr
up his butt.
1510
01:21:16,905 --> 01:21:19,474
Gimme that bucket! [grunts]
1511
01:21:19,541 --> 01:21:20,542
Now, Carpenter...
1512
01:21:20,542 --> 01:21:22,377
[girls squealing]
1513
01:21:23,078 --> 01:21:25,313
Hey, now, what's
going on in here?
1514
01:21:32,654 --> 01:21:33,555
Hey, man, turn out the lights.
1515
01:21:33,555 --> 01:21:37,459
I'm gonna personally turn out
the lights on everyone
of you punks
1516
01:21:37,459 --> 01:21:39,194
if you don't get the hell out!
1517
01:21:39,194 --> 01:21:41,429
Mister, why so tense?
1518
01:21:41,429 --> 01:21:42,631
Out!
1519
01:21:46,468 --> 01:21:49,471
I'd still be in the closet,
if Inga hadn't suggested
1520
01:21:49,471 --> 01:21:51,172
to try a new therapy
in the shower.
1521
01:21:51,172 --> 01:21:55,110
When you're talk about it,
it makes it seem less painful.
1522
01:21:55,110 --> 01:21:56,578
See this?
We're laughin' about it.
1523
01:21:56,578 --> 01:21:59,614
I mean, in school you always
look so serious.
1524
01:21:59,614 --> 01:22:01,082
I didn't think you noticed.
1525
01:22:01,082 --> 01:22:04,386
I thought it took someone
like Liz to get your attention.
1526
01:22:04,386 --> 01:22:06,288
Now, if I looked like her...
1527
01:22:06,288 --> 01:22:08,924
I like the way
you look better.
1528
01:22:22,370 --> 01:22:25,340
I think we got some
celebrating to do.
1529
01:22:25,340 --> 01:22:27,108
Okay, you're gonna pay for this.
1530
01:22:27,108 --> 01:22:28,643
I'm gonna call the cops!
1531
01:22:28,643 --> 01:22:34,582
Hey, Carp, man,
I'm really sorry.
I just wanted to get some ice.
1532
01:22:34,582 --> 01:22:38,386
[band playing upbeat pop music]
1533
01:22:40,488 --> 01:22:42,090
I know a good place to park.
1534
01:22:42,090 --> 01:22:45,160
I'll park anywhere
in a Mercedes.
1535
01:22:46,461 --> 01:22:50,265
I want to make some toast
for you, Max.
1536
01:22:50,265 --> 01:22:52,534
My best friend in United States.
1537
01:22:52,534 --> 01:22:56,504
-Thank you for your hostilities.
-It was nothing.
1538
01:22:56,504 --> 01:23:00,709
Well, I owe Max
so many nothings.
1539
01:23:01,643 --> 01:23:05,513
I mean, until tonight,
talking to girls was like...
1540
01:23:05,513 --> 01:23:08,016
relating to aliens
from outer space.
1541
01:23:08,016 --> 01:23:13,254
You seem to clue in
on what I'm saying
before I've even said it.
1542
01:23:20,528 --> 01:23:23,431
[boy]
Hey, Alan, come on in, man!
1543
01:23:32,140 --> 01:23:36,344
Leslie, would you like to...
1544
01:23:50,058 --> 01:23:52,794
[police sirens wailing]
1545
01:23:58,066 --> 01:24:00,602
-[cop 1] Hey,
what room was that?
-[cop 2] 104.
1546
01:24:00,602 --> 01:24:02,170
[cop 1] Let's get up there.
1547
01:24:02,170 --> 01:24:04,305
You guys, it's the police!
1548
01:24:04,305 --> 01:24:07,642
Deja vu, man.
Time to boogie.
1549
01:24:07,642 --> 01:24:10,545
[all yelling]
1550
01:24:23,458 --> 01:24:24,192
I don't believe this.
1551
01:24:24,192 --> 01:24:29,764
Here I am all alone
with a beautiful woman...
1552
01:24:29,764 --> 01:24:33,435
and I could be happy
just talkin' all night long.
1553
01:24:33,768 --> 01:24:35,670
We could just talk.
1554
01:24:36,204 --> 01:24:37,305
No!
1555
01:24:53,621 --> 01:24:57,592
-It's a bust!
-[all screaming]
1556
01:25:13,775 --> 01:25:15,376
They've got us, Maxwell!
1557
01:25:15,376 --> 01:25:19,380
Oh, just one last kiss
before they lock us up.
1558
01:25:25,253 --> 01:25:26,554
Just one?
1559
01:25:27,122 --> 01:25:29,591
[Alan]
Let me work on this door.
1560
01:25:30,859 --> 01:25:32,827
To ensure privacy.
1561
01:25:33,128 --> 01:25:34,662
What do you mean?
1562
01:25:43,438 --> 01:25:44,572
You're the phantom?
1563
01:25:44,572 --> 01:25:48,476
I don't reveal myself
to just anybody.
1564
01:25:48,543 --> 01:25:50,245
Neither do I.
1565
01:25:58,253 --> 01:25:59,821
[Leslie giggling]
1566
01:26:01,923 --> 01:26:03,625
[giggling]
1567
01:26:15,870 --> 01:26:17,872
[down tempo music playing]
1568
01:26:17,872 --> 01:26:21,476
♪ Here's to this moment
In my life ♪
1569
01:26:21,476 --> 01:26:24,913
♪ When only my heart
Can say what's right ♪
1570
01:26:24,913 --> 01:26:31,519
♪ I hear a voice from somewhere
Deep inside ♪
1571
01:26:32,353 --> 01:26:35,757
♪ Here's to the person
I'll become ♪
1572
01:26:35,757 --> 01:26:39,260
♪ After the battle's
Finally won ♪
1573
01:26:39,260 --> 01:26:45,266
♪ I can look back and say
I gave my all ♪
1574
01:26:45,266 --> 01:26:50,471
♪ I know
My dreams are coming true ♪
1575
01:26:50,471 --> 01:26:54,609
♪ I'll be sharing them all
With you ♪
1576
01:26:56,578 --> 01:26:58,680
♪ Forever ♪
1577
01:26:59,948 --> 01:27:01,683
♪ Tonight ♪
1578
01:27:01,683 --> 01:27:04,686
♪ We're reaching for the stars ♪
1579
01:27:04,686 --> 01:27:08,923
♪ They'll be shining
Wherever we are ♪
1580
01:27:10,758 --> 01:27:13,494
♪ Forever ♪
1581
01:27:14,929 --> 01:27:18,666
♪ I know the future's
Looking bright ♪
1582
01:27:18,666 --> 01:27:21,936
♪ Though it won't happen
Overnight ♪
1583
01:27:21,936 --> 01:27:28,343
♪ It feels so good
I'm on my way ♪
1584
01:27:28,409 --> 01:27:32,747
♪ Here's to a life
With no regrets ♪
1585
01:27:32,747 --> 01:27:36,484
♪ I couldn't live
With something less ♪
1586
01:27:36,484 --> 01:27:42,290
♪ I wanna go on
With my head up high ♪
1587
01:27:42,290 --> 01:27:47,595
♪ I know
My dreams are coming true ♪
1588
01:27:47,595 --> 01:27:51,733
♪ I'll be sharing them all
With you ♪
1589
01:27:53,568 --> 01:27:55,603
♪ Forever ♪
1590
01:27:56,371 --> 01:28:01,676
♪ Tonight
We're reaching for the stars ♪
1591
01:28:01,676 --> 01:28:06,281
♪ They'll be shining
Wherever we are ♪
1592
01:28:07,915 --> 01:28:10,485
♪ Forever ♪
1593
01:28:24,999 --> 01:28:29,971
♪ I know
My dreams are coming true ♪
1594
01:28:29,971 --> 01:28:34,575
♪ I'll be sharing them all
With you ♪
1595
01:28:36,411 --> 01:28:38,846
♪ Forever ♪
1596
01:28:38,946 --> 01:28:44,419
♪ Tonight
We're reaching for the stars ♪
1597
01:28:44,419 --> 01:28:48,790
♪ They'll be shining
Wherever we are ♪
121127
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