subtitlecat.com

All language subtitles for Good.Girls.Get.High.2018

Afrikaans

Akan

Albanian

Amharic

Arabic

Armenian

Azerbaijani

Basque

Belarusian

Bemba

Bengali

Bihari

Bosnian

Breton

Bulgarian

Cambodian

Catalan

Cebuano

Cherokee

Chichewa

Chinese (Simplified)

Chinese (Traditional)

Corsican

Croatian

Czech

Danish

Dutch

English

Esperanto

Estonian

Ewe

Faroese

Filipino

Finnish

French

Frisian

Galician

Georgian

German

Greek

Guarani

Gujarati

Haitian Creole

Hausa

Hawaiian

Hebrew

Hindi

Hmong

Hungarian

Icelandic

Igbo

Indonesian

Interlingua

Irish

Italian

Japanese

Javanese

Kannada

Kazakh

Kinyarwanda

Kirundi

Kongo

Korean

Krio (Sierra Leone)

Kurdish

Kurdish (Soranî)

Kyrgyz

Laothian

Latin

Latvian

Lingala

Lithuanian

Lozi

Luganda

Luo

Luxembourgish

Macedonian

Malagasy

Malay

Malayalam

Maltese

Maori

Marathi

Mauritian Creole

Moldavian

Mongolian

Myanmar (Burmese)

Montenegrin

Nepali

Nigerian Pidgin

Northern Sotho

Norwegian

Norwegian (Nynorsk)

Occitan

Oriya

Oromo

Pashto

Persian

Polish

Portuguese (Brazil)

Portuguese (Portugal)

Punjabi

Quechua

Romanian

Romansh

Runyakitara

Russian Download

Samoan

Scots Gaelic

Serbian

Serbo-Croatian

Sesotho

Setswana

Seychellois Creole

Shona

Sindhi

Sinhalese

Slovak

Slovenian

Somali

Spanish Download

Spanish (Latin American)

Sundanese

Swahili

Swedish

Tajik

Tamil

Tatar

Telugu

Thai

Tigrinya

Tonga

Tshiluba

Tumbuka

Turkish

Turkmen

Twi

Uighur

Ukrainian

Urdu

Uzbek

Vietnamese

Welsh

Wolof

Xhosa

Yiddish

Yoruba

Zulu

Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,941 --> 00:00:05,922 - Okay, so, hello, Harvard Admissions people. 2 00:00:05,947 --> 00:00:07,923 This is Sam Jansen. 3 00:00:07,947 --> 00:00:09,918 Um, I've called a few times and I sent some E-mails, 4 00:00:09,942 --> 00:00:10,927 but I haven't heard back, 5 00:00:10,952 --> 00:00:14,926 so I decided to create this video for you guys. 6 00:00:14,951 --> 00:00:17,933 Um, I'd like to think that I haven't 7 00:00:17,957 --> 00:00:19,926 made a lot of mistakes in my life. 8 00:00:19,951 --> 00:00:22,932 But this would be a big one. 9 00:00:22,957 --> 00:00:25,930 I mean, who turns down Harvard and then... 10 00:00:25,954 --> 00:00:27,074 comes back a few days later? 11 00:00:27,942 --> 00:00:31,931 But I'm asking you guys to let me back in. 12 00:00:31,957 --> 00:00:33,936 A lot has happened this last weekend. 13 00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:37,928 So, let me start from the beginning. 14 00:00:51,954 --> 00:00:54,933 -This is me. 15 00:00:54,958 --> 00:00:58,941 And this is my best friend... Danielle. 16 00:00:58,965 --> 00:01:01,943 And that guy twerking on the mantel, that's the pizza guy. 17 00:01:01,968 --> 00:01:03,944 This is what Danielle and I have done every Friday night 18 00:01:03,969 --> 00:01:05,945 since we were 12. 19 00:01:05,969 --> 00:01:07,949 We call it pizza-and-a-doc night. 20 00:01:07,973 --> 00:01:11,931 Our favorite documentary is about sea mammals. 21 00:01:11,955 --> 00:01:14,937 Our pizza of choice is known as the Samielle Special. 22 00:01:14,962 --> 00:01:16,942 It's a veggie pie, half no cheese 23 00:01:16,967 --> 00:01:18,977 because Danielle is lactose intolerant, 24 00:01:19,955 --> 00:01:21,937 half extra-cheese because I think that cheese 25 00:01:21,962 --> 00:01:23,934 is the greatest thing ever invented. 26 00:01:23,958 --> 00:01:24,953 I would say it's better than sex, but in my case, 27 00:01:24,978 --> 00:01:27,950 that would be an untested hypothesis. 28 00:01:27,974 --> 00:01:29,945 Senior year was almost over, 29 00:01:29,969 --> 00:01:33,939 and while everyone else was going to prom and being crazy, 30 00:01:33,965 --> 00:01:35,956 Danielle and I were just doing our own thing. 31 00:01:35,980 --> 00:01:37,955 My family owns an ice cream shop. 32 00:01:37,979 --> 00:01:39,955 I know what you're thinking. 33 00:01:39,980 --> 00:01:42,944 But, honestly, it's not that great. 34 00:01:42,969 --> 00:01:44,938 I've been working here since I was a kid, 35 00:01:44,962 --> 00:01:46,958 and after a while, even ice cream can get boring. 36 00:01:46,983 --> 00:01:48,951 Our business has been really struggling 37 00:01:48,975 --> 00:01:51,951 since some trend-savvy competitors arrived. 38 00:01:51,976 --> 00:01:57,946 A grown man in a unicorn costume serving ice cream. 39 00:01:57,970 --> 00:01:59,956 Wha... How are we supposed to compete with that? 40 00:01:59,980 --> 00:02:02,984 Anyway, the stress was really getting to my dad. 41 00:02:03,964 --> 00:02:05,942 - Found these sunglasses in the Dumpster. 42 00:02:05,967 --> 00:02:07,957 We can do a giveaway... If you buy a pint of ice cream, 43 00:02:07,980 --> 00:02:10,987 you get a pair of sunglasses free! 44 00:02:11,967 --> 00:02:12,958 Cool, huh? 45 00:02:12,982 --> 00:02:13,989 -I don't know. 46 00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:15,966 The color is kind of intense. 47 00:02:15,990 --> 00:02:17,949 -Intense is bad? 48 00:02:17,973 --> 00:02:18,958 Okay, how about this? 49 00:02:18,982 --> 00:02:21,965 For $1.00, you can put as much ice cream 50 00:02:21,990 --> 00:02:24,947 as you can stuff into your mouth. 51 00:02:24,972 --> 00:02:25,962 That's gonna work. 52 00:02:25,986 --> 00:02:27,947 -I don't know, Dad. 53 00:02:27,971 --> 00:02:29,963 -Anda pair of sunglasses. 54 00:02:29,988 --> 00:02:31,949 - Hey, Dad, I was wondering if we could talk 55 00:02:31,973 --> 00:02:32,954 about my college options? 56 00:02:32,979 --> 00:02:33,966 - Yeah, but we need to do it later, 57 00:02:33,990 --> 00:02:34,970 'cause I need to get over to the bank. 58 00:02:34,994 --> 00:02:36,951 They're about to close. 59 00:02:36,976 --> 00:02:38,957 - Every time I brought up college, 60 00:02:38,981 --> 00:02:40,968 there was a banking emergency. 61 00:02:40,991 --> 00:02:44,972 So I finally took the hint. 62 00:02:45,976 --> 00:02:47,970 We can't afford it. 63 00:02:47,994 --> 00:02:49,963 I mean, it's like... 64 00:02:49,987 --> 00:02:53,954 it's like 80,000 cones a semester. 65 00:02:53,980 --> 00:02:55,967 You will go to state with Danielle. 66 00:02:55,991 --> 00:02:58,962 Okay. Here it goes. 67 00:03:08,996 --> 00:03:11,964 I never told anyone I got into Harvard. 68 00:03:11,989 --> 00:03:13,970 I mean, why rub it in? 69 00:03:13,994 --> 00:03:15,964 - So, I was watching some great speeches 70 00:03:15,989 --> 00:03:16,975 in our nation's history, 71 00:03:16,998 --> 00:03:18,971 like Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech 72 00:03:18,996 --> 00:03:21,002 and FDR's "A Date Which Will Live in Infamy," 73 00:03:21,981 --> 00:03:22,971 and Oprah's Golden Globes speech. 74 00:03:22,996 --> 00:03:25,961 And I was thinking that open-air co-valedictorian speech 75 00:03:25,986 --> 00:03:29,970 with some spoken-word poetry might be the answer. 76 00:03:29,993 --> 00:03:31,970 What's wrong? 77 00:03:31,995 --> 00:03:34,962 Would you like to start with a scientific fact? 78 00:03:34,987 --> 00:03:37,007 -No. I'm fine. 79 00:03:37,985 --> 00:03:38,981 -Ready? 80 00:03:39,005 --> 00:03:40,969 -Yeah. 81 00:03:46,998 --> 00:03:48,968 - Ricotta. Mozzarella sticks. 82 00:03:48,992 --> 00:03:50,964 Mac-and-cheese balls. 83 00:03:50,989 --> 00:03:52,970 - Damn, that's a lot of stuff you can't eat. 84 00:03:52,995 --> 00:03:54,985 - Listen, I love dairy, it just doesn't love me back. 85 00:03:55,009 --> 00:03:57,977 We're like Zelda and F. Scott Fitzgerald. 86 00:03:58,001 --> 00:04:00,010 - I love the name Zelda. - Me, too. 87 00:04:02,995 --> 00:04:04,989 Moms? What's going on? 88 00:04:05,014 --> 00:04:08,981 - Have you checked your E-mail? - Not in the last 15 minutes. 89 00:04:09,005 --> 00:04:12,013 - Okay, we did something parents are never supposed to do. 90 00:04:12,991 --> 00:04:14,973 -And we normally never would. 91 00:04:14,998 --> 00:04:18,015 - But we heard a pinging sound, and the browser was open. 92 00:04:18,993 --> 00:04:20,989 -Did you check my E-mail? 93 00:04:21,014 --> 00:04:22,978 -Not proud of it, but... 94 00:04:23,003 --> 00:04:23,984 -You heard from Harvard. 95 00:04:24,008 --> 00:04:25,975 -What?! 96 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:27,982 "After careful consideration of your supplemental materials, 97 00:04:28,005 --> 00:04:28,988 the Admissions Committee has decided 98 00:04:29,013 --> 00:04:30,977 to take you off the wait list 99 00:04:31,001 --> 00:04:32,976 and offer you a place in Harvard's class of 2022!" 100 00:04:33,001 --> 00:04:34,990 - They must have really loved your poem on Standing Rock. 101 00:04:35,015 --> 00:04:37,986 - Oh, my God! - Oh! 102 00:04:38,010 --> 00:04:39,994 - Oh, my God! - It's happening! 103 00:04:40,019 --> 00:04:42,979 - It's happening. It's hap... 104 00:04:43,004 --> 00:04:45,978 - I'm not gonna lie, I thought about hacking into your website 105 00:04:46,003 --> 00:04:47,990 and crashing the Admissions page. 106 00:04:48,013 --> 00:04:50,984 But I still didn't tell Danielle I'd gotten in. 107 00:04:51,009 --> 00:04:52,998 I mean, it's not like I could suddenly afford it 108 00:04:53,023 --> 00:04:54,998 now that Danielle was going. 109 00:05:07,012 --> 00:05:08,002 -Hey, we're heading out, okay? 110 00:05:08,026 --> 00:05:09,998 You guys have everything you need? 111 00:05:10,023 --> 00:05:11,992 -Yeah, we're all set. 112 00:05:12,016 --> 00:05:12,994 -We're so proud of you. 113 00:05:13,019 --> 00:05:14,994 - So proud! - So proud of you! 114 00:05:15,018 --> 00:05:15,996 -Oh, my God! 115 00:05:16,020 --> 00:05:17,992 - Mwah! Rashida Jones went there. 116 00:05:18,016 --> 00:05:20,985 - Barack Obama went there. - Yeah, okay, okay, thank you. 117 00:05:21,010 --> 00:05:23,029 Good night! - Good night, good night. 118 00:05:25,015 --> 00:05:26,993 Good night, female leaders of tomorrow. 119 00:05:29,022 --> 00:05:31,007 Jeremy is so beautiful. 120 00:05:31,032 --> 00:05:33,990 Even his Instagram is perfectly curated. 121 00:05:34,015 --> 00:05:35,005 - I can't believe he's with Ashanti. 122 00:05:35,029 --> 00:05:38,006 - Yeah, well, she's an influencer, he's an artist. 123 00:05:38,030 --> 00:05:41,032 They're a power couple. - Oh, she just posted a video. 124 00:05:42,010 --> 00:05:42,998 - You want to go from lash to tip 125 00:05:43,023 --> 00:05:45,033 while chanting the mantra "satnam." 126 00:05:46,011 --> 00:05:50,998 I'm using MAC's Extended Play Gigablack Lash Mascara. 127 00:05:51,023 --> 00:05:52,996 Satnam. 128 00:05:53,021 --> 00:05:56,011 Satnam. Satnam. 129 00:05:56,035 --> 00:05:58,011 - The yoga makeup-advertisement tutorials 130 00:05:58,036 --> 00:06:01,008 are just a platform for my social-justice activism. 131 00:06:01,033 --> 00:06:02,995 We have to find new ways to highlight 132 00:06:03,020 --> 00:06:06,000 the importance of intersectionality. 133 00:06:06,024 --> 00:06:08,000 -I'll never be that cool. 134 00:06:08,024 --> 00:06:09,994 - I heard she raised 10K for Puerto Rico 135 00:06:10,019 --> 00:06:11,011 with a single tweet. 136 00:06:11,035 --> 00:06:12,039 -How does she do it? 137 00:06:13,018 --> 00:06:14,012 She's pretty, she's nice to everyone, 138 00:06:14,036 --> 00:06:17,007 she gets good grades, she's flexible. 139 00:06:17,031 --> 00:06:19,003 -She's really bad at softball. 140 00:06:19,028 --> 00:06:21,998 - All right, you guys. Last day of school. 141 00:06:22,023 --> 00:06:23,018 All right, iPhones away! Come on. 142 00:06:23,042 --> 00:06:25,013 Let's pull out our periodic tables, 143 00:06:25,038 --> 00:06:27,002 get your beakers fired up. 144 00:06:27,025 --> 00:06:29,998 Today we're gonna be talking about liquid nitrogen. 145 00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:31,012 First discovered by a Scottish physician 146 00:06:31,036 --> 00:06:36,019 named Daniel Rutherford in 1772, liquid nitrogen is 147 00:06:36,044 --> 00:06:40,009 a love potion. 148 00:06:40,034 --> 00:06:41,013 That's right, girl. 149 00:06:47,033 --> 00:06:48,014 Sam? 150 00:06:48,039 --> 00:06:49,023 Sam? 151 00:06:49,047 --> 00:06:52,004 Sam! 152 00:06:52,029 --> 00:06:53,018 - Yeah? - Hey. 153 00:06:53,042 --> 00:06:57,007 Uh, will you bring these teacher evaluations to the office? 154 00:06:57,032 --> 00:06:59,050 - Yeah. - Great. 155 00:07:06,033 --> 00:07:08,013 - Hey, I think the yearbooks came out today. 156 00:07:16,053 --> 00:07:19,012 - Hey, Danielle. - I'm good. 157 00:07:19,037 --> 00:07:21,015 Shit. 158 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:26,014 Oh, look. It's Jeremy's thesis project. 159 00:07:26,039 --> 00:07:27,025 He's a genius. 160 00:07:27,049 --> 00:07:30,014 - I'm surprised no one's stolen that iPhone yet. 161 00:07:30,039 --> 00:07:32,020 -Yo. Fuckin' watch it, backpack. 162 00:07:32,045 --> 00:07:34,031 -Ooh, vaga-dictorians. 163 00:07:34,055 --> 00:07:36,031 That's fuckin' funny. 164 00:07:36,055 --> 00:07:40,019 -Ugh. I hate those guys! 165 00:07:40,044 --> 00:07:42,018 -Let's go get our yearbooks. 166 00:07:42,043 --> 00:07:43,026 -Okay. 167 00:07:43,050 --> 00:07:45,020 Okay, go to page 65 first. 168 00:07:45,045 --> 00:07:46,021 -Okay. 169 00:07:49,061 --> 00:07:53,061 You got us a dedication page. 170 00:07:54,041 --> 00:07:57,037 Aww, "Samielle." I love it. 171 00:07:57,060 --> 00:08:00,021 Ooh, the awards section. 172 00:08:00,046 --> 00:08:04,039 Jeremy got Biggest Art Star. 173 00:08:06,064 --> 00:08:09,022 What the? 174 00:08:09,047 --> 00:08:11,020 "Biggest Good Girls"?! 175 00:08:11,045 --> 00:08:14,035 What kind of bullshit category is that? 176 00:08:14,060 --> 00:08:16,035 - "Sam Jansen and Danielle Compton 177 00:08:16,058 --> 00:08:17,040 are undoubtedly Woodbright High's 178 00:08:17,065 --> 00:08:19,032 most accomplished co-valedictorians. 179 00:08:19,056 --> 00:08:21,028 Sam won state science fair four years in a row, 180 00:08:21,053 --> 00:08:23,037 and Danielle had her first volume of poetry 181 00:08:23,062 --> 00:08:25,025 published at age 14. 182 00:08:25,048 --> 00:08:26,728 These two are good girls to watch out for." 183 00:08:27,046 --> 00:08:30,037 - Good girls. It's condescending. - It's just a moniker. 184 00:08:30,062 --> 00:08:32,043 Would you prefer "affable young women"? 185 00:08:32,068 --> 00:08:34,028 -It's so neutered. 186 00:08:34,052 --> 00:08:36,027 Is that really what people think about us? 187 00:08:36,051 --> 00:08:37,045 - No, it's a stupid yearbook award. 188 00:08:37,070 --> 00:08:39,043 I think you're overreacting. - Am I? 189 00:08:39,067 --> 00:08:42,029 Let's take a brief inventory of our lives. 190 00:08:42,054 --> 00:08:44,036 - Okay. - We don't have cars. 191 00:08:44,060 --> 00:08:47,040 - We're environmentalists. - We've never been to a party. 192 00:08:47,064 --> 00:08:49,034 - What about that time we went to your moms' ACLU benefit? 193 00:08:49,059 --> 00:08:52,036 - Sam, we've literally never done anything bad. 194 00:08:52,061 --> 00:08:54,030 - Do you remember when we skipped school 195 00:08:54,054 --> 00:08:57,030 to go see Al Gore's lecture on climate change? 196 00:08:57,054 --> 00:08:58,039 That was bad. 197 00:08:58,064 --> 00:09:00,037 Okay, I had a test that day. 198 00:09:00,061 --> 00:09:01,045 Just to reassure you, 199 00:09:01,070 --> 00:09:05,034 I took that test the next day, and I aced it. 200 00:09:05,058 --> 00:09:06,048 Anyway, this... this whole yearbook thing 201 00:09:06,072 --> 00:09:08,038 really sent Danielle over the edge. 202 00:09:08,063 --> 00:09:11,046 - I want to take a gap year. - What about Harvard? 203 00:09:11,071 --> 00:09:14,048 - I want to go to Europe, where art was born. 204 00:09:14,073 --> 00:09:18,042 - Actually, I think art was born in India. 205 00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:22,056 -But I'm not a good girl! 206 00:09:22,081 --> 00:09:25,078 - Period. - Duh. 207 00:09:26,079 --> 00:09:29,038 - But the manatee has become endangered 208 00:09:29,062 --> 00:09:33,039 due to two major threats... Loss of habitat and collisions 209 00:09:33,064 --> 00:09:35,048 with boats and ships. 210 00:09:35,072 --> 00:09:37,049 - Hey, Sam. - Hey, Mr. D. 211 00:09:37,074 --> 00:09:38,058 -How's it going? 212 00:09:38,082 --> 00:09:41,042 - It's going good. Um, yeah. 213 00:09:41,067 --> 00:09:42,056 How are you? - Doing great. 214 00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:44,055 Just getting ready for a crazy night, 215 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:46,053 so I will take a scoop 216 00:09:46,077 --> 00:09:48,049 of mint-chocolate-chip ice cream, please. 217 00:09:48,073 --> 00:09:54,049 - Okay, I will get that. I will get that for you. 218 00:09:54,075 --> 00:09:56,062 I really love mint chip, too. 219 00:09:56,086 --> 00:09:58,060 It's very minty. - Mm. 220 00:09:58,085 --> 00:10:01,064 - And really... Really fresh breath 221 00:10:01,089 --> 00:10:03,060 in my mouth. 222 00:10:03,085 --> 00:10:08,053 You must try... your mouth. 223 00:10:08,077 --> 00:10:09,060 And there you go. 224 00:10:09,085 --> 00:10:11,091 - Great. All right. And how much do I owe ya? 225 00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:15,057 - Uh, consider it an end-of-the-semester gift. 226 00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:18,051 -Ah, well, thank you. 227 00:10:18,076 --> 00:10:21,049 Hey, what, uh, school did you decide on? 228 00:10:21,074 --> 00:10:23,058 -I'm going to state. 229 00:10:23,082 --> 00:10:25,058 Uh, private schools are crazy expensive, 230 00:10:25,082 --> 00:10:28,070 and state gave me a scholarship, so... 231 00:10:28,095 --> 00:10:32,067 - Well, state is an awesome choice. 232 00:10:32,092 --> 00:10:34,069 I'm gonna miss you, Sam. 233 00:10:38,095 --> 00:10:41,069 - Thank you. 234 00:10:49,083 --> 00:10:51,073 I love him. 235 00:10:51,098 --> 00:10:53,058 -What's up? 236 00:10:53,082 --> 00:10:54,602 - Hey, do you want to go get piercings? 237 00:10:55,079 --> 00:10:56,065 -Uh, no can do. 238 00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:57,070 I'm going to the big end-of-the-year party later. 239 00:10:57,095 --> 00:10:59,062 Shit's gonna be fucking lit. 240 00:10:59,085 --> 00:11:00,074 I heard at the same party last year, someone fucked a dog. 241 00:11:00,099 --> 00:11:03,068 - What? How'd they get it to stay still? 242 00:11:03,093 --> 00:11:05,062 -I don't know all the details. 243 00:11:05,085 --> 00:11:08,063 - Uh, where's the party? - At Dave Silverstein's house. 244 00:11:08,088 --> 00:11:10,060 - Is he related to Shel Silverstein? 245 00:11:10,085 --> 00:11:11,065 -Who? 246 00:11:11,089 --> 00:11:12,067 - You know, "Where the Sidewalk Ends." 247 00:11:12,092 --> 00:11:13,074 -The sidewalk ends somewhere? 248 00:11:13,098 --> 00:11:15,075 - Just forget it. Who's gonna be there? 249 00:11:15,099 --> 00:11:17,060 -Everyone's going. 250 00:11:17,085 --> 00:11:18,068 Jeremy's gonna be debuting a new art project. 251 00:11:18,092 --> 00:11:19,172 At least, he's supposed to. 252 00:11:20,084 --> 00:11:22,073 I'm not sure how he's doing after the break-up and shit. 253 00:11:22,097 --> 00:11:23,074 -Break-up? 254 00:11:26,089 --> 00:11:27,073 - Yes, bitch, what have you not heard? 255 00:11:27,097 --> 00:11:29,081 Ashanti broke up with him. 256 00:11:29,106 --> 00:11:30,466 I'm taking your silence as excited. 257 00:11:31,086 --> 00:11:32,074 I know, it's fucking amazing! 258 00:11:37,107 --> 00:11:40,092 -Ugh, unicorns. 259 00:11:42,100 --> 00:11:43,111 -Hey, Dad, check it out! 260 00:11:44,088 --> 00:11:46,066 I got a perfect score on my A.P. comp final. 261 00:11:46,090 --> 00:11:47,111 -Good job, honey. 262 00:11:51,091 --> 00:11:53,077 -Okay. 263 00:11:53,102 --> 00:11:56,103 I'm just gonna do some laundry. 264 00:12:18,102 --> 00:12:20,102 Dad? 265 00:12:27,111 --> 00:12:30,079 -What do you think? 266 00:12:30,103 --> 00:12:33,084 - It's not my favorite look of yours. 267 00:12:33,109 --> 00:12:35,116 Is that your stage manager shirt? 268 00:12:38,118 --> 00:12:41,092 If one of those safety pins decided to open, 269 00:12:41,117 --> 00:12:44,094 she could have been poked... Badly. 270 00:12:44,118 --> 00:12:47,084 Can I show you something? 271 00:12:47,109 --> 00:12:48,094 -Yeah. 272 00:12:48,118 --> 00:12:50,092 - These are the boobs that I want. 273 00:12:50,117 --> 00:12:51,094 -I don't get it. 274 00:12:51,118 --> 00:12:52,101 Our entire culture is based 275 00:12:52,126 --> 00:12:55,082 on people's obsession with big boobs. 276 00:12:55,106 --> 00:12:57,098 - I'd rather be able to jog comfortably. 277 00:12:57,122 --> 00:13:00,098 Okay, we should work on our co-valedictorian speech. 278 00:13:00,123 --> 00:13:02,084 Do you want to start with a quote? 279 00:13:02,109 --> 00:13:04,097 - No, no, everybody starts with quotes. 280 00:13:04,121 --> 00:13:08,093 Actually, I heard about this party tonight. 281 00:13:08,118 --> 00:13:10,097 Maybe we could pop in. - We never pop in. 282 00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:14,112 - Yeah, but it's what normal high-school kids do. 283 00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:18,108 -I need to show you something. 284 00:13:21,114 --> 00:13:22,099 -Is that what I think it is? 285 00:13:22,124 --> 00:13:23,105 -I think so. 286 00:13:23,128 --> 00:13:25,104 - This is illegal. - In most states, yes. 287 00:13:25,129 --> 00:13:30,101 - Where? How? - I have my ways. 288 00:13:30,126 --> 00:13:32,089 -Should we smoke it? 289 00:13:32,114 --> 00:13:34,111 -What if it's not even pot? 290 00:13:37,113 --> 00:13:38,094 It smells like pot. 291 00:13:38,118 --> 00:13:39,108 - How do you know what pot smells like? 292 00:13:39,132 --> 00:13:42,091 - From that time my moms took me to the Lilith Fair. 293 00:13:42,116 --> 00:13:43,097 -You have to bear in mind 294 00:13:43,121 --> 00:13:45,111 that Danielle is extremely persuasive. 295 00:13:45,135 --> 00:13:48,112 She's the captain of the debate team. 296 00:13:48,137 --> 00:13:50,094 The captain! 297 00:13:56,129 --> 00:13:59,098 - Come on, Sam, I haven't even lit it yet. 298 00:13:59,122 --> 00:14:01,139 -Frankincense is very strong. 299 00:14:02,118 --> 00:14:04,102 Okay. Um, this article says 300 00:14:04,126 --> 00:14:07,109 there are over 700 strains of the marijuana plant. 301 00:14:07,134 --> 00:14:09,114 They're broken up into three distinct groups, 302 00:14:09,139 --> 00:14:12,111 indica, sativa, and hybrid. 303 00:14:12,136 --> 00:14:14,112 Each has a different effect. 304 00:14:14,135 --> 00:14:16,112 How will we know which kind we have? 305 00:14:16,137 --> 00:14:18,109 - There's only one way to find out. 306 00:14:27,136 --> 00:14:29,106 Let's give our joint a name. 307 00:14:29,130 --> 00:14:31,108 -Let's call it Justin Bieber. 308 00:14:31,133 --> 00:14:34,106 -Why? 309 00:14:34,130 --> 00:14:35,115 -I don't know. 310 00:14:35,139 --> 00:14:38,105 - I don't think I'm feeling anything. 311 00:14:43,147 --> 00:14:46,112 Are you experiencing heavy eyelids, 312 00:14:46,136 --> 00:14:47,120 an increased appetite, 313 00:14:47,144 --> 00:14:51,107 or hyper-awareness to sensory experiences? 314 00:14:51,133 --> 00:14:53,124 -I feel like we're in 3-D. 315 00:14:53,147 --> 00:14:55,125 -Aren't we always in 3-D? 316 00:14:55,150 --> 00:14:59,120 -Yeah, but... more. 317 00:14:59,145 --> 00:15:02,111 -There are also a lot of super-negative side effects listed. 318 00:15:02,136 --> 00:15:05,115 - Like what? - Coughing, asthma. 319 00:15:05,139 --> 00:15:08,120 Oh, my God. 320 00:15:08,145 --> 00:15:11,113 I for... I forgot to bring my inhaler. 321 00:15:11,138 --> 00:15:15,125 -Sam, we're in yourroom. 322 00:15:15,150 --> 00:15:19,117 - Oh. Oh, yeah. 323 00:15:19,142 --> 00:15:20,128 Close call. 324 00:15:25,157 --> 00:15:28,118 Oh, my God. 325 00:15:28,143 --> 00:15:30,115 I just got a text from Mr. D. 326 00:15:30,139 --> 00:15:33,117 Damn it. I forgot to turn in the teacher evaluations. 327 00:15:33,141 --> 00:15:35,115 I got so sidetracked by the whole yearbook thing. 328 00:15:35,140 --> 00:15:38,138 - You should text him back. - Okay. 329 00:15:43,150 --> 00:15:46,126 I forgot how to use my phone. - I'll do it. 330 00:15:46,151 --> 00:15:47,511 - Wait, I remembered how to use it! 331 00:15:48,141 --> 00:15:50,139 - I'm composing a text. I... 332 00:15:50,164 --> 00:15:52,122 Oh, no. 333 00:15:52,145 --> 00:15:54,133 -What? 334 00:15:54,158 --> 00:15:56,160 - It's not that bad. - Show me. 335 00:15:59,157 --> 00:16:01,124 Oh, this was bad. 336 00:16:01,148 --> 00:16:03,139 You've texted Mr. D my dream boobs?! 337 00:16:03,163 --> 00:16:06,124 - Why were they saved to your cut and paste? 338 00:16:06,149 --> 00:16:07,140 Oh, my God. 339 00:16:07,164 --> 00:16:10,132 Oh, my God, okay. Okay. 340 00:16:10,157 --> 00:16:12,141 Okay, here... here's what we're gonna do. 341 00:16:12,165 --> 00:16:14,145 Okay, we're gonna... we're gonna go to Mr. D's house, 342 00:16:14,169 --> 00:16:16,145 and... and we're gonna break in. 343 00:16:16,169 --> 00:16:18,137 And we're gonna hack into his phone and delete it. 344 00:16:18,162 --> 00:16:20,146 - What are talking about? It's a text, it's instantaneous. 345 00:16:20,171 --> 00:16:22,170 He's seen it already. 346 00:16:23,148 --> 00:16:25,133 - Oh, my God, he's writing back. What do I do? 347 00:16:25,157 --> 00:16:29,127 - Let's just wait patiently. We'll see what he says. 348 00:16:38,167 --> 00:16:39,175 Maybe he's driving. 349 00:16:40,154 --> 00:16:42,132 Oh, my God. He's calling. 350 00:16:42,155 --> 00:16:43,235 He's calling. What do I do? 351 00:16:44,154 --> 00:16:45,143 - Pick it up. - I can't pick it up. 352 00:16:45,167 --> 00:16:47,145 I'll say something stupid! I... I can't pick it up. 353 00:16:47,170 --> 00:16:51,134 -Then put it down. 354 00:16:56,169 --> 00:16:58,140 Look at the bright side... 355 00:16:58,165 --> 00:17:00,139 We're doing what normal high-school kids do, 356 00:17:00,162 --> 00:17:01,140 we're sexting. 357 00:17:01,165 --> 00:17:02,152 This is... This is so good. 358 00:17:02,175 --> 00:17:05,179 - Normal high schoolers don't sext their teachers. 359 00:17:06,158 --> 00:17:07,156 And you're supposed to sext with your own parts, 360 00:17:07,181 --> 00:17:09,140 not other people's parts. 361 00:17:09,164 --> 00:17:10,154 - Yeah, I don't want to freak you out, 362 00:17:10,179 --> 00:17:12,151 but we did have a case like this come up in mock trial. 363 00:17:12,174 --> 00:17:14,148 - And? - Well, because you're underage, 364 00:17:14,173 --> 00:17:16,155 this text is considered child pornography. 365 00:17:16,180 --> 00:17:19,144 -Child pornography? 366 00:17:19,169 --> 00:17:21,156 They're not even my boobs. - I know. 367 00:17:21,180 --> 00:17:24,156 - Oh, my God. I'm... I'm a sex offender. 368 00:17:24,180 --> 00:17:26,155 I'm... I'm gonna have to go door to door 369 00:17:26,180 --> 00:17:27,158 informing all of my neighbors. 370 00:17:27,182 --> 00:17:29,159 - We can fix this. We just... 371 00:17:29,184 --> 00:17:31,148 We have to get rid of your phone. 372 00:17:31,173 --> 00:17:32,161 And then we can plead the Fifth. 373 00:17:32,184 --> 00:17:34,145 We'll say someone stole it, they sent the boobs, 374 00:17:34,170 --> 00:17:35,152 we don't know whose boobs those are. 375 00:17:35,176 --> 00:17:36,159 Those boobs could be anybody's. 376 00:17:36,183 --> 00:17:38,179 - They literally could be anybody's. 377 00:17:41,171 --> 00:17:44,149 Can I at least back it up first? 378 00:17:44,172 --> 00:17:46,178 -Aim for the pavement. 379 00:17:50,184 --> 00:17:53,179 Are you hungry? 380 00:17:55,185 --> 00:17:58,149 - We're under the influence of a controlled substance. 381 00:17:58,174 --> 00:18:00,153 Don't you think we should stay in a controlled environment? 382 00:18:00,178 --> 00:18:02,164 -A few blocks is fine. 383 00:18:02,187 --> 00:18:05,155 I still don't think that I'm feeling anything. 384 00:18:08,182 --> 00:18:11,153 - Do you see that? - What? 385 00:18:11,178 --> 00:18:13,155 - Don't those clouds look like boobs? 386 00:18:18,191 --> 00:18:20,196 - No. Ooh, let's play a game! 387 00:18:21,174 --> 00:18:22,168 If you could choose one species of tree 388 00:18:22,192 --> 00:18:25,157 to best define yourself, what would you choose? 389 00:18:28,194 --> 00:18:30,175 Jeremy would definitely be a poplar tree. 390 00:18:38,186 --> 00:18:42,163 -Hey, girl. I got your text. 391 00:18:42,188 --> 00:18:44,176 And now I'm in heaven. 392 00:18:56,184 --> 00:18:58,174 And I'm always gonna love you, Sam. 393 00:18:58,199 --> 00:19:00,177 You're more than just a girl. 394 00:19:00,202 --> 00:19:03,206 You're a fellow scientist. 395 00:19:06,202 --> 00:19:08,163 -Ooh, look at that cute dog. 396 00:19:15,191 --> 00:19:17,169 Wasn't that credit card only supposed to be used 397 00:19:17,194 --> 00:19:19,169 for emergencies? 398 00:19:19,193 --> 00:19:22,181 - This was an emergency. Zelda needed a home. 399 00:19:26,199 --> 00:19:28,205 - Sam? - Yeah. 400 00:19:31,188 --> 00:19:32,178 -I think I'm high now. 401 00:19:36,205 --> 00:19:39,168 This is so unexpected. 402 00:20:22,204 --> 00:20:23,191 - You realize none of what you just ate 403 00:20:23,216 --> 00:20:25,223 is dairy-free, right? 404 00:20:26,202 --> 00:20:27,198 That's, like, all dairy. 405 00:20:33,205 --> 00:20:35,190 -Oh, hi. 406 00:20:35,215 --> 00:20:37,183 - We were just... - We were just closing up. 407 00:20:37,208 --> 00:20:38,197 - Oh. Can I just please get 408 00:20:38,221 --> 00:20:40,196 a pint of cookie-dough ice cream really quick? 409 00:20:40,221 --> 00:20:42,227 I'm pregnant. 410 00:20:43,205 --> 00:20:45,184 -Yeah. 411 00:20:45,207 --> 00:20:46,201 Mm-hmm. 412 00:20:46,226 --> 00:20:48,203 Yes. Okay. 413 00:20:48,227 --> 00:20:50,227 I just have to disinfect the scooper. 414 00:20:51,205 --> 00:20:54,198 -Just dairy procedure. 415 00:20:56,207 --> 00:20:57,190 - What do we do? I can't have a dog in here. 416 00:20:57,214 --> 00:20:58,194 It's a health-code violation. 417 00:20:58,219 --> 00:20:59,204 - Relax. We'll just give her a pint. 418 00:20:59,228 --> 00:21:00,230 -She'll know I'm high. 419 00:21:01,208 --> 00:21:02,197 - How? - By the way I scoop. 420 00:21:02,221 --> 00:21:03,206 I'm scooping all funny. 421 00:21:03,230 --> 00:21:05,199 I mean, what if she writes a bad Yelp review? 422 00:21:05,224 --> 00:21:07,187 I can't afford any bad press. 423 00:21:07,212 --> 00:21:09,202 - I'll distract her while you scoop. 424 00:21:09,226 --> 00:21:13,217 - What about our eyes? Our eyes are all red. 425 00:21:15,217 --> 00:21:18,197 -Nice shades. 426 00:21:22,232 --> 00:21:24,203 You know what's weird? 427 00:21:24,227 --> 00:21:27,193 This is a geriatric pregnancy. 428 00:21:27,218 --> 00:21:28,236 'Cause I'm 35. 429 00:21:29,215 --> 00:21:32,196 Geriatric. That sounds, like, so old. 430 00:21:32,219 --> 00:21:35,202 I mean, I still feel very young. People card me all the time. 431 00:21:35,227 --> 00:21:38,197 So, yeah. Okay, thanks. 432 00:21:38,222 --> 00:21:40,201 Okay. 433 00:21:40,225 --> 00:21:42,194 - Woof! - Oh! 434 00:21:42,218 --> 00:21:45,200 - Woof, woof, woof, woof! Woof! 435 00:21:45,225 --> 00:21:47,197 - Okay. 436 00:21:50,228 --> 00:21:52,205 - We have to go to this party. 437 00:21:52,230 --> 00:21:54,202 - What?! It's on the other side of town. 438 00:21:54,227 --> 00:21:57,201 - We could Uber. - I'm politically opposed. 439 00:21:57,226 --> 00:21:58,215 -I gave you a 20. 440 00:21:58,239 --> 00:22:00,210 You know, actually, I'm driving across town. 441 00:22:00,234 --> 00:22:01,218 I could take you guys. 442 00:22:01,242 --> 00:22:03,244 - Oh, no, we're good. - Sure, we'll take a ride! 443 00:22:06,226 --> 00:22:07,213 -What about Zelda? 444 00:22:07,237 --> 00:22:09,210 - Oh, she's got food, she's got water. She's fine. 445 00:22:09,235 --> 00:22:10,223 We'll get her afterwards. 446 00:22:10,246 --> 00:22:12,243 I call shotgun! 447 00:22:15,230 --> 00:22:17,211 -I do not feel good about this. 448 00:22:17,235 --> 00:22:20,205 - So, are you guys in high school? 449 00:22:20,229 --> 00:22:22,247 - We graduate on Monday. - We're co-valedictorians. 450 00:22:23,226 --> 00:22:26,222 - Wow! I got VIPs in my car. Cool. 451 00:22:26,247 --> 00:22:30,207 - 9-4. Bringing in one warrant on a license, 452 00:22:30,232 --> 00:22:34,224 1-Mary-William-Sam 3-2-0-M-A. 453 00:22:34,249 --> 00:22:38,207 -This is an interesting car. 454 00:22:38,232 --> 00:22:40,211 - We were in that car for, like, a good 15 minutes 455 00:22:40,235 --> 00:22:42,209 before we figured it out. 456 00:22:42,234 --> 00:22:44,214 A pregnant cop. 457 00:22:44,238 --> 00:22:45,278 I mean, what are the odds? 458 00:22:46,231 --> 00:22:47,215 -And now I just sit in an office 459 00:22:47,239 --> 00:22:50,209 and scroll through Instagram and social media 460 00:22:50,233 --> 00:22:52,215 and try to find pictures of people doing drugs. 461 00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:54,213 - My heart is beating out of my chest. 462 00:22:54,238 --> 00:22:55,224 Everyone can hear my heart. 463 00:22:55,248 --> 00:22:57,214 - I have no heartbeat. 464 00:22:57,239 --> 00:22:59,227 - Oh, you stupid heart! Shut up! Shut up! 465 00:22:59,251 --> 00:23:03,219 - ...doing cocaine off the back of a turtle shell. 466 00:23:03,243 --> 00:23:04,222 Isn't that insane? 467 00:23:04,246 --> 00:23:05,224 -I don't have a heart. 468 00:23:05,248 --> 00:23:07,213 I'm also not breathing. 469 00:23:07,238 --> 00:23:08,234 Wrong wrist. Fuck! 470 00:23:08,259 --> 00:23:11,218 -Shut up, shut up, shut up. 471 00:23:11,242 --> 00:23:13,221 -I'm dead. When did I get dead? 472 00:23:13,245 --> 00:23:14,228 -...smoking weed. 473 00:23:14,253 --> 00:23:16,224 They definitely act a certain way. 474 00:23:16,248 --> 00:23:18,228 -Sam, can you hear me? 475 00:23:18,253 --> 00:23:21,235 - I can hear you? - Holy shit! 476 00:23:21,259 --> 00:23:23,231 - I once got a Slurpee in the face. 477 00:23:23,256 --> 00:23:25,225 -This is good. Thank you! 478 00:23:25,249 --> 00:23:28,224 -Oh, really? Okay. 479 00:23:28,249 --> 00:23:30,237 My name's Patty, by the way. 480 00:23:32,248 --> 00:23:33,225 Okay. 481 00:23:33,249 --> 00:23:35,234 -Uh, yeah, I miss you, too, Mom. 482 00:23:35,259 --> 00:23:38,229 Yeah, no, the house feels really empty with you here. 483 00:23:41,260 --> 00:23:44,231 -Do you think Jeremy's here? 484 00:23:44,256 --> 00:23:46,230 -I don't know. 485 00:24:01,248 --> 00:24:02,245 Alex R., Alex M., what that fuck's up, dudes? 486 00:24:02,270 --> 00:24:04,269 You guys want to play some fucking beer pong? 487 00:24:05,248 --> 00:24:06,234 Fuck no. - Loser. 488 00:24:06,258 --> 00:24:08,269 Hey. Pong, bro? 489 00:24:10,250 --> 00:24:12,238 Hey, you want to play? Team Money, yeah? 490 00:24:12,263 --> 00:24:13,241 Fuck. 491 00:24:13,265 --> 00:24:15,271 Oh, shit. This party's fuckin' lit! 492 00:24:16,250 --> 00:24:20,228 We even got the nerd herd up in this bitch, dude! 493 00:24:20,253 --> 00:24:23,244 - This is the opposite of a controlled environment. 494 00:24:33,253 --> 00:24:35,248 High-school parties suck. 495 00:24:35,273 --> 00:24:37,275 There aren't even any magicians. 496 00:24:42,261 --> 00:24:43,240 Oh. 497 00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:59,255 Oh. 498 00:25:02,267 --> 00:25:05,238 Oh, hey! 499 00:25:05,263 --> 00:25:06,253 Hi. 500 00:25:06,277 --> 00:25:08,253 Um... 501 00:25:08,278 --> 00:25:09,284 Do you guys need to go? 502 00:25:10,262 --> 00:25:13,255 Or should I just flush? 503 00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:17,285 - No, we're good. - Oh. 504 00:25:18,284 --> 00:25:21,277 Oof. 505 00:25:24,279 --> 00:25:26,286 Do my eyebrows look like caterpillars? 506 00:25:27,265 --> 00:25:31,250 -No. They look like eyebrows. 507 00:25:31,275 --> 00:25:33,259 - I've never seen you guys before. 508 00:25:33,283 --> 00:25:36,252 Are you foreign exchange students? 509 00:25:36,277 --> 00:25:39,247 Are you Russian? You look Russian. 510 00:25:39,271 --> 00:25:40,264 You especially look Russian. 511 00:25:40,289 --> 00:25:43,248 - Is that a good thing? - No. 512 00:25:44,286 --> 00:25:52,249 I'm gonna call you Tatiana, and you... Olga. 513 00:25:52,275 --> 00:25:55,251 - I did discover later that I do have some Russian ancestry, 514 00:25:55,276 --> 00:25:59,269 so... her observation was not completely without merit. 515 00:25:59,293 --> 00:26:01,266 -So, the EDM kids are in there. 516 00:26:01,290 --> 00:26:05,252 That's where you'll find Molly! 517 00:26:05,277 --> 00:26:07,270 - Who's Molly? - Molly from Astronomy? 518 00:26:07,295 --> 00:26:09,265 - I'm building houses for Habitat for Humanity. 519 00:26:09,289 --> 00:26:12,259 You can't... - I love your earrings! 520 00:26:12,284 --> 00:26:15,256 - Oh, my God! Thank you! I made them myself. 521 00:26:15,281 --> 00:26:17,294 - They're feathers. - Oh, a pigeon gave them to me. 522 00:26:19,295 --> 00:26:21,272 -Pigeons like her. 523 00:26:21,297 --> 00:26:23,263 - Hey, nerds! - What the hell? 524 00:26:23,287 --> 00:26:25,260 - You want to come play with us? 525 00:26:25,285 --> 00:26:26,266 Come play us, bro. 526 00:26:26,290 --> 00:26:28,267 - No, thanks. - Yeah. 527 00:26:28,291 --> 00:26:30,260 Yeah, we're gonna play you. 528 00:26:30,285 --> 00:26:32,278 -Oh, fuck yeah, dude! Chicks. 529 00:26:32,302 --> 00:26:35,257 - No. - S'up?! 530 00:26:35,282 --> 00:26:36,262 -Have a good night. 531 00:26:36,287 --> 00:26:38,304 - Let's go. Under one condition. 532 00:26:39,282 --> 00:26:42,265 After we beat you guys, you leave us alone. 533 00:26:42,290 --> 00:26:44,274 - Fuckin' tight. Uh, you in, bro? 534 00:26:44,298 --> 00:26:46,264 - Sssh, I ain't afraid of no ghosts. 535 00:26:46,288 --> 00:26:47,269 -Hell yeah. 536 00:26:47,293 --> 00:26:49,264 Bitch's ball. 537 00:26:58,303 --> 00:27:00,268 - Oh. 538 00:27:00,293 --> 00:27:01,272 - Yo! - Oh! 539 00:27:01,296 --> 00:27:02,282 - You need to work on your aim, dude. 540 00:27:02,306 --> 00:27:04,279 That was fuckin' terrible as fuck. 541 00:27:04,304 --> 00:27:06,268 - Money. - Yeah, dude. 542 00:27:06,293 --> 00:27:07,933 Let me show you how it's done. Here we go. 543 00:27:10,304 --> 00:27:12,265 - Ohhh! - Ohhh! 544 00:27:12,290 --> 00:27:14,274 - Time to drink! - Drink up, dude. 545 00:27:14,299 --> 00:27:17,311 Oh, yeah. 546 00:27:18,289 --> 00:27:19,277 -Time-out. 547 00:27:19,301 --> 00:27:21,284 - No, there aren't any fuckin' time-outs in beer pong. 548 00:27:21,309 --> 00:27:24,273 - Danielle? I do not feel comfortable 549 00:27:24,298 --> 00:27:29,269 mixing two different controlled substances. 550 00:27:29,294 --> 00:27:30,277 -We can't forfeit. 551 00:27:30,301 --> 00:27:32,272 - Why? It's a stupid drinking game. 552 00:27:32,296 --> 00:27:33,291 -No, this game is a metaphor 553 00:27:33,315 --> 00:27:35,285 for the entire high-school experience 554 00:27:35,310 --> 00:27:37,315 that we've been missing out on. 555 00:27:40,294 --> 00:27:41,280 -Okay. 556 00:27:41,305 --> 00:27:44,283 This is a simple game of distraction and aerodynamics. 557 00:27:44,308 --> 00:27:47,283 So, if you can sufficiently distract them, 558 00:27:47,308 --> 00:27:50,277 I think I can address our lack of accuracy. 559 00:27:50,301 --> 00:27:51,286 - I was hoping you would say that. 560 00:27:51,310 --> 00:27:54,318 - Hey. Um, I really want to help you guys, 561 00:27:55,297 --> 00:27:57,275 but I'm fucking wasted. 562 00:27:57,300 --> 00:27:58,291 -How much did you drink? 563 00:27:58,314 --> 00:28:02,307 - I got a vodka tampon up my butt. 564 00:28:03,309 --> 00:28:05,283 -That can't be good. 565 00:28:12,303 --> 00:28:15,294 -What the fuck are they doing? 566 00:28:15,319 --> 00:28:18,297 -95 and a quarter. 567 00:28:21,322 --> 00:28:23,297 - Hey, hello. Are we gonna play or what? 568 00:28:23,322 --> 00:28:27,290 -Hi! 569 00:28:27,315 --> 00:28:29,300 -We're ready. 570 00:28:29,324 --> 00:28:32,297 I used the Kutta-Joukowski Theorem of Aerodynamics 571 00:28:32,322 --> 00:28:34,288 to create a formula, 572 00:28:34,313 --> 00:28:37,286 and Danielle's passion for Shakespeare's sonnets 573 00:28:37,311 --> 00:28:38,295 finally paid off. 574 00:28:38,318 --> 00:28:39,305 Now. 575 00:28:41,325 --> 00:28:44,300 - Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? 576 00:28:44,325 --> 00:28:47,305 Thou art more lovely and more temperate. 577 00:28:47,329 --> 00:28:49,330 -What is she doing? 578 00:28:51,331 --> 00:28:55,294 - Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines. 579 00:28:55,320 --> 00:28:57,334 - Forget this bitch, dude. Fuckin' sink it, bro. 580 00:28:58,312 --> 00:29:02,334 - But long as men can breathe and eyes can see, 581 00:29:03,312 --> 00:29:08,290 so long lives this, and this gives life to thee. 582 00:29:08,315 --> 00:29:12,296 - Oh, my God! It was a fuckin' easy shot, dawg. 583 00:29:12,321 --> 00:29:13,331 -It's our ball. 584 00:29:16,329 --> 00:29:19,308 - Sometime this Goddamn century, homey! 585 00:29:26,323 --> 00:29:27,340 Dude, come on! 586 00:29:36,335 --> 00:29:37,342 -Yes, bitch. 587 00:29:47,332 --> 00:29:49,318 -No, I don't want anymore. 588 00:29:49,343 --> 00:29:52,315 - Samielle! Samielle! Samielle! Samielle! 589 00:29:52,340 --> 00:29:55,318 - Last one. - Samielle! Samielle! Samielle! 590 00:29:55,343 --> 00:29:59,314 Samielle! Samielle! Samielle! Samielle! 591 00:29:59,338 --> 00:30:03,321 Samielle! Samielle! Samielle! Samielle! 592 00:30:06,326 --> 00:30:08,314 - No! What?! Are you serious! 593 00:30:08,337 --> 00:30:10,312 What the hell, bro? 594 00:30:12,332 --> 00:30:15,316 Morgan, get off! Quit! Get off of me! 595 00:30:15,341 --> 00:30:18,306 - You are so amazing! My best friend. 596 00:30:18,330 --> 00:30:19,310 - Hi. - Can you teach me 597 00:30:19,334 --> 00:30:20,313 how to shoot like that? - Yeah! 598 00:30:20,337 --> 00:30:22,320 -Sonnet Number 18, right? 599 00:30:22,345 --> 00:30:24,318 - It's my favorite of Shakespeare's sonnets. 600 00:30:24,343 --> 00:30:26,316 - Mine, too. - Are you serious, bro?! 601 00:30:26,340 --> 00:30:27,580 -Wow. It's really loud in here. 602 00:30:28,330 --> 00:30:29,329 You want to go someplace where we can talk? 603 00:30:29,353 --> 00:30:32,325 -Yeah. 604 00:30:32,349 --> 00:30:34,316 - You play a lot of beer pong, then? 605 00:30:34,341 --> 00:30:36,320 - No, I literally... I have never heard of beer pong... 606 00:30:36,345 --> 00:30:37,321 Until tonight. 607 00:30:37,344 --> 00:30:39,335 - That was awesome. - Yeah! 608 00:30:43,338 --> 00:30:45,326 -This is... 609 00:30:45,351 --> 00:30:47,320 this is really spacious. 610 00:30:49,344 --> 00:30:50,331 It's pretty sick, right? 611 00:30:50,355 --> 00:30:55,317 -Yeah. Yeah. 612 00:30:55,343 --> 00:30:56,332 I... 613 00:30:56,356 --> 00:30:59,328 I-I love what you did with the exterior. 614 00:30:59,352 --> 00:31:01,321 -Oh, yeah. I mean... 615 00:31:02,353 --> 00:31:04,329 ...it's... it's all a part of my brand. 616 00:31:04,354 --> 00:31:07,316 You know, it's like... 617 00:31:07,340 --> 00:31:09,333 I don't want there to be any separation 618 00:31:09,358 --> 00:31:11,324 between me and my work. 619 00:31:11,349 --> 00:31:16,362 I want to drive my art. I want to live my art. 620 00:31:17,341 --> 00:31:18,335 -Wow. 621 00:31:18,359 --> 00:31:21,329 - You know, I just finished a new piece. 622 00:31:21,354 --> 00:31:25,322 I was, uh... I was actually gonna debut it tonight, 623 00:31:25,347 --> 00:31:28,320 but I got cold feet. 624 00:31:28,344 --> 00:31:30,322 Would you like to see it? 625 00:31:30,347 --> 00:31:31,341 -I'd be honored. 626 00:31:31,365 --> 00:31:33,322 -Are you working tonight? 627 00:31:33,347 --> 00:31:34,333 - Oh, this is not just for fashion. 628 00:31:34,357 --> 00:31:35,342 I am on the clock. 629 00:31:35,367 --> 00:31:37,326 Teachers keep calling, by the way. 630 00:31:37,349 --> 00:31:38,337 It's so weird. - Really? 631 00:31:38,362 --> 00:31:40,334 - Yeah, delivering to teachers is fucking amazing. 632 00:31:40,358 --> 00:31:41,339 You literally learn shit about them 633 00:31:41,364 --> 00:31:43,324 you didn't even need to know. 634 00:31:43,348 --> 00:31:44,330 Like, every time I see Ms. Murphy, 635 00:31:44,355 --> 00:31:46,334 she's always with a different dude. 636 00:31:46,357 --> 00:31:47,343 I just want to be like, "What's up, Ms. Murphy? 637 00:31:47,368 --> 00:31:49,343 Like, art thou a ho?" 638 00:31:49,367 --> 00:31:50,370 Yeah. 639 00:31:51,349 --> 00:31:53,327 So, what about Mr. D? 640 00:31:53,352 --> 00:31:54,346 - Mr. D is definitely not a ho, sadly. 641 00:31:54,370 --> 00:31:56,342 But he's pretty cool. It's weird, though. 642 00:31:56,366 --> 00:31:59,329 I was at his house tonight, and there was all these cops there. 643 00:31:59,354 --> 00:32:00,342 - Really? - Yeah, it was so strange. 644 00:32:00,366 --> 00:32:02,340 They kept, like, asking me hella questions and shit. 645 00:32:02,364 --> 00:32:04,329 But more importantly, kudos to your dad 646 00:32:04,353 --> 00:32:06,330 for fucking up that unicorn bitch. 647 00:32:06,354 --> 00:32:08,328 -What? 648 00:32:08,353 --> 00:32:10,329 Oh, you didn't hear? 649 00:32:10,353 --> 00:32:12,332 Yo, someone, like, broke into your shop. 650 00:32:12,357 --> 00:32:13,346 I don't know if it was the unicorn dude, 651 00:32:13,370 --> 00:32:16,334 but your dad definitely thinks it is. 652 00:32:16,358 --> 00:32:19,343 All the freezers were open, the ice cream all melted. 653 00:32:19,368 --> 00:32:22,339 He kept talking about some dog, too. 654 00:32:32,366 --> 00:32:35,335 Hey. I'm so sorry. Hi. Hi, have you seen Danielle? 655 00:32:35,360 --> 00:32:37,343 Have you... have you... have you seen Danielle Compton? 656 00:32:37,367 --> 00:32:39,356 Hi. Have you seen my friend? Excuse me. 657 00:32:39,380 --> 00:32:42,357 Excuse me, have you seen Danielle Compton? 658 00:32:42,382 --> 00:32:48,343 -I call it..."Unsolicited." 659 00:32:48,367 --> 00:32:51,343 - It's, uh... It's a lot of penises. 660 00:32:51,368 --> 00:32:52,351 -They're all mine. 661 00:32:56,372 --> 00:32:57,354 - Hey. - Hi. 662 00:32:57,378 --> 00:32:59,339 - Jeremy was just showing me his penises. 663 00:32:59,364 --> 00:33:00,353 - Hi. Okay, we need to go. 664 00:33:00,377 --> 00:33:02,344 All right, it's an emergency. Get out of the car. 665 00:33:02,369 --> 00:33:04,342 - What? Why? - My dad, 666 00:33:04,367 --> 00:33:05,358 the police... every... Zelda. 667 00:33:05,382 --> 00:33:07,346 Like, everything's kind of blowing up right now. 668 00:33:07,370 --> 00:33:10,359 - What are you talking about? - It's the Bieber. 669 00:33:10,384 --> 00:33:12,363 It's... It's really fucking me up. 670 00:33:12,387 --> 00:33:14,351 - Sam, can we talk about this later? 671 00:33:14,376 --> 00:33:17,388 I'm a little bit busy right now. 672 00:33:18,366 --> 00:33:19,358 - D, I really need your help right now, 673 00:33:19,383 --> 00:33:20,823 because I'm feeling really fucked up. 674 00:33:21,368 --> 00:33:22,354 So if you could just please... 675 00:33:22,379 --> 00:33:25,391 -Okay. Do you have Bieber? 676 00:33:26,369 --> 00:33:28,350 - Yeah. - Hand it over. 677 00:33:28,375 --> 00:33:30,353 Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna go over there, 678 00:33:30,377 --> 00:33:32,349 and you're gonna do some jumping jacks. 679 00:33:32,373 --> 00:33:35,349 You'll feel better in no time. I'll come find you later. 680 00:33:35,374 --> 00:33:36,359 All right? - What are you doing? 681 00:33:36,382 --> 00:33:38,368 - No more Bieber for you. - No! No, no, no, no, no! 682 00:33:38,393 --> 00:33:39,393 No, no, no! - Relax! 683 00:33:40,371 --> 00:33:41,367 -Do not close the window. 684 00:33:41,391 --> 00:33:45,349 It wasn't just that she rolled up the window. 685 00:33:45,375 --> 00:33:46,355 Oh, no, this... 686 00:33:46,378 --> 00:33:48,354 this was far greater than that. 687 00:33:48,379 --> 00:33:50,359 Okay, this... this is about the universal law 688 00:33:50,383 --> 00:33:52,356 of cause and effect. 689 00:33:52,381 --> 00:33:53,370 She was the one who wanted to smoke the Bieber. 690 00:33:53,394 --> 00:33:55,362 -Should we smoke it? 691 00:33:55,386 --> 00:33:57,866 - She was the one who wanted to leave a controlled environment. 692 00:33:58,375 --> 00:33:59,359 -Are you hungry? 693 00:33:59,383 --> 00:34:00,363 - She was one who wanted to go to the party. 694 00:34:00,388 --> 00:34:01,370 -We have to go to this party. 695 00:34:01,394 --> 00:34:03,364 - If I had never smoked the Bieber... 696 00:34:05,377 --> 00:34:06,364 ...I wouldn't have gone to the party. 697 00:34:08,377 --> 00:34:09,375 And if I didn't go to the party, 698 00:34:09,400 --> 00:34:13,363 I would not have done what I did next. 699 00:34:13,388 --> 00:34:17,372 Please keep in mind that I was extremely high for most of it. 700 00:34:34,405 --> 00:34:36,375 What are you guys building? 701 00:34:36,399 --> 00:34:39,406 - We're trying to break the record for world's tallest bong. 702 00:34:40,385 --> 00:34:43,388 It's tall enough, but it keeps falling over. 703 00:34:48,386 --> 00:34:49,400 -I think I can help you. 704 00:35:00,412 --> 00:35:03,371 - I've always liked you, Danielle. 705 00:35:03,395 --> 00:35:06,387 You have such an unironic way of being. 706 00:35:06,411 --> 00:35:09,367 It's really refreshing. 707 00:35:09,392 --> 00:35:11,395 -Okay. 708 00:35:13,395 --> 00:35:16,385 - I've been wanting to do something for a while now. 709 00:35:16,409 --> 00:35:19,387 -Yes. 710 00:35:20,416 --> 00:35:22,372 The ice cream. 711 00:35:22,396 --> 00:35:23,378 -Okay, so, remember when I said 712 00:35:23,403 --> 00:35:26,381 that Danielle was lactose intolerant? 713 00:35:26,405 --> 00:35:28,389 This means that she doesn't have the lactase enzymes 714 00:35:28,413 --> 00:35:31,375 which are needed to digest lactose. 715 00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:34,383 Ice cream has a lot of lactose. 716 00:35:34,408 --> 00:35:35,394 Without the lactase enzymes, 717 00:35:35,418 --> 00:35:40,374 that lactose is turned into CO2, H2, and CH4 718 00:35:40,399 --> 00:35:41,378 in Danielle's body. 719 00:35:41,403 --> 00:35:42,763 That was the scientific explanation 720 00:35:43,399 --> 00:35:44,388 for what happened to Danielle next. 721 00:35:45,416 --> 00:35:47,421 -Sorry, but I can't help 722 00:35:48,399 --> 00:35:50,393 but bring everything back to science. 723 00:35:50,418 --> 00:35:54,381 Future chem major. 724 00:35:54,406 --> 00:35:55,395 -What was that? 725 00:35:56,423 --> 00:35:58,393 - Hey, does your car have Bluetooth? 726 00:35:58,417 --> 00:36:00,381 Do... Do you want to hear some music? 727 00:36:00,406 --> 00:36:01,424 -Oh, yeah. 728 00:36:02,403 --> 00:36:04,386 - Everybody get this? This is amazing. 729 00:36:04,410 --> 00:36:06,389 -Ladies and gentlemen... 730 00:36:06,413 --> 00:36:11,392 it is my great honor and privilege to present to you... 731 00:36:11,418 --> 00:36:13,399 the Leaning Bong of Woodbright! 732 00:36:25,407 --> 00:36:28,398 -The fuck's going on out here? 733 00:36:28,423 --> 00:36:30,406 Oh, my God. 734 00:36:35,417 --> 00:36:40,397 -A fucking mega-bong? Geez. 735 00:36:40,423 --> 00:36:42,415 I'm heading out on a run. 736 00:36:47,432 --> 00:36:51,396 - What opera is this? - "La Boheme." 737 00:36:51,421 --> 00:36:54,411 - I love Bizet. 738 00:36:54,435 --> 00:36:56,397 Did Bizet write this? 739 00:36:56,422 --> 00:36:58,401 Bizet wrote "Carmen." 740 00:36:58,426 --> 00:37:01,403 Puccini wrote this. 741 00:37:02,432 --> 00:37:04,414 Oh, fuck no! Please not now. 742 00:37:04,438 --> 00:37:07,397 I really love this part. 743 00:37:09,416 --> 00:37:10,409 It's beautiful. 744 00:37:56,436 --> 00:37:58,419 -I'm too high to come down. 745 00:38:06,439 --> 00:38:09,412 - This is legendary. This is historic. 746 00:38:31,445 --> 00:38:36,422 - And the seats... they go all the way back flat, like a bed. 747 00:38:36,447 --> 00:38:38,415 -Really? 748 00:38:38,439 --> 00:38:40,453 - You just have to pull that lever on the side. 749 00:38:42,454 --> 00:38:46,418 -Oh. Which one? 750 00:39:05,441 --> 00:39:06,437 -Sam? Sam? 751 00:39:06,461 --> 00:39:08,431 Hey, Sam? Sam? Hey, are you okay? 752 00:39:08,456 --> 00:39:11,437 - Mr. D. What are you doing here? 753 00:39:11,462 --> 00:39:13,430 - Well, I was trying to call your phone, 754 00:39:13,453 --> 00:39:15,430 but you weren't picking up. I thought you might be here. 755 00:39:15,455 --> 00:39:17,428 - I'm really sorry about that text. 756 00:39:17,453 --> 00:39:19,426 The whole thing was just a big accident. 757 00:39:19,450 --> 00:39:21,436 -Yeah. That was not cool. 758 00:39:21,461 --> 00:39:23,442 But I wanted to let you know I deleted it, 759 00:39:23,466 --> 00:39:25,441 so we can just pretend it didn't happen. 760 00:39:25,465 --> 00:39:28,438 -Oh, thank God. 761 00:39:28,463 --> 00:39:30,464 Mr. D, I gotta tell you something. 762 00:39:33,453 --> 00:39:34,443 I love you. 763 00:39:34,467 --> 00:39:38,445 Like, I am... I'm crazy in love with you. 764 00:39:38,471 --> 00:39:41,442 - I know. - You do? 765 00:39:41,467 --> 00:39:43,447 - I see the way that you look at me in class. 766 00:39:43,470 --> 00:39:45,429 -I am so embarrassed. 767 00:39:45,454 --> 00:39:47,448 - Don't be. It's... It's fine. 768 00:39:47,473 --> 00:39:50,434 And to be honest, I'm flattered. - Really? 769 00:39:50,459 --> 00:39:52,474 - Sam, you're beautiful and you're brilliant. 770 00:39:53,452 --> 00:39:55,444 And, I mean, if I wasn't your teacher, 771 00:39:55,468 --> 00:39:58,439 I... would be totally into you. 772 00:39:58,464 --> 00:40:01,430 - You would? - Yeah. 773 00:40:01,455 --> 00:40:02,442 -In fact... 774 00:40:02,467 --> 00:40:05,476 now that you're not my student anymore... 775 00:40:06,454 --> 00:40:08,451 I can do this. 776 00:40:14,470 --> 00:40:16,441 - That was a fuck-ton of weed, dude. 777 00:40:19,459 --> 00:40:25,442 - Okay, Danielle, whatever you do, don't fart. 778 00:40:25,467 --> 00:40:28,446 -I have a condom. 779 00:40:35,476 --> 00:40:37,453 I'm putting the condom on. 780 00:40:37,478 --> 00:40:39,454 Condom is on. 781 00:40:39,478 --> 00:40:41,447 - It's happening. It's really happening. 782 00:40:41,472 --> 00:40:46,444 Just, whatever you do, don't fart. 783 00:40:56,486 --> 00:40:58,454 -Are you ready? 784 00:40:58,479 --> 00:41:00,471 -Yes. 785 00:41:03,473 --> 00:41:04,452 Don't fart, don't fart! 786 00:41:04,477 --> 00:41:06,449 -Don't cum, don't cum. 787 00:41:06,473 --> 00:41:08,450 - Don't fart. - Don't cum. 788 00:41:08,475 --> 00:41:09,466 - Don't fart! - Don't cum! 789 00:41:09,490 --> 00:41:12,460 - Don't fart, don't fart. - Don't cum, don't cum. 790 00:41:12,485 --> 00:41:15,455 Oh! 791 00:41:35,480 --> 00:41:36,496 Um... 792 00:41:37,475 --> 00:41:40,452 That was, uh... 793 00:41:40,477 --> 00:41:43,497 That was really weird. 794 00:41:44,475 --> 00:41:45,465 Yeah, maybe, um... 795 00:41:45,490 --> 00:41:50,468 maybe we should just pretend like this didn't happen. 796 00:41:50,492 --> 00:41:53,461 Yeah. Yeah, okay. 797 00:41:56,496 --> 00:41:57,499 I'm gonna go. 798 00:42:11,502 --> 00:42:15,468 -Oh, my God. 799 00:42:15,493 --> 00:42:17,497 Oh, my God. 800 00:42:32,494 --> 00:42:33,483 - You've reached Sam's voicemail... 801 00:42:42,506 --> 00:42:44,480 -Okay, whose house is this? 802 00:42:44,504 --> 00:42:47,478 Hello?! Who lives here? 803 00:42:47,503 --> 00:42:50,481 Okay, do I sound like a fucking "Peanuts" teacher to you? 804 00:42:50,506 --> 00:42:54,470 Whose house is this? Can you hear me? 805 00:42:54,495 --> 00:42:55,479 -It's mine. 806 00:42:55,503 --> 00:42:58,487 - Okay, I need you to show me where this is. 807 00:42:58,512 --> 00:43:00,483 - Oh, come on. You're not actually a cop. 808 00:43:00,508 --> 00:43:02,489 -I'm a cop. I have a badge. 809 00:43:02,513 --> 00:43:06,470 - Oh, my God! Are you a stripper? That would be so awesome! 810 00:43:06,495 --> 00:43:07,484 - I don't think you want to see me strip. 811 00:43:07,508 --> 00:43:09,483 - Actually, you're right. - Yeah, okay. 812 00:43:09,508 --> 00:43:11,488 -Oh. Oh, you're... oh, you're... you're act... you're actually a cop. 813 00:43:11,513 --> 00:43:13,489 - Yes, I'm actually a cop. - Oh, okay. 814 00:43:13,512 --> 00:43:15,487 The bong's out back. 815 00:43:15,512 --> 00:43:17,509 -Got it. Okay. 816 00:43:19,505 --> 00:43:22,485 - Guys, there's a cop here. There's a cop! 817 00:43:22,509 --> 00:43:23,493 -Cops! Go, go, go. 818 00:43:23,518 --> 00:43:26,475 Hey, Tatiana, we gotta go. 819 00:43:26,500 --> 00:43:27,489 -Mr. D? 820 00:43:27,513 --> 00:43:30,475 - No. There's... There's a cop here. We gotta go now. 821 00:43:30,500 --> 00:43:31,489 - What about my baby? I... 822 00:43:31,513 --> 00:43:35,484 - No, leave it, come on! We gotta go. 823 00:43:35,509 --> 00:43:37,481 -Hey. 824 00:43:37,505 --> 00:43:39,494 You're my friend from the ice cream shop. 825 00:43:39,519 --> 00:43:44,485 Okay. Why don't you put that illegal thing down. 826 00:43:44,510 --> 00:43:47,498 And that way, I don't have to arrest you, okay? 827 00:43:47,523 --> 00:43:49,494 We can both just walk away. 828 00:43:49,518 --> 00:43:51,521 Does that sound good? 829 00:43:54,510 --> 00:43:56,488 Shit! Ow! 830 00:43:56,513 --> 00:43:59,487 Do not make me chase you! I'm pregnant! 831 00:43:59,512 --> 00:44:02,508 - This is gonna be in the Guinness Book of World Records! 832 00:44:09,509 --> 00:44:10,528 You're fast. 833 00:44:13,523 --> 00:44:14,505 -Oh, no. 834 00:44:27,513 --> 00:44:29,493 - Where's your math now? - Idiot. 835 00:44:29,518 --> 00:44:31,501 Oh, dude. 836 00:44:31,525 --> 00:44:33,505 -Hey! Damn! 837 00:44:33,529 --> 00:44:36,503 Hey, you do the crime, you do the crime. 838 00:44:36,528 --> 00:44:38,509 - Do the crime. Fuck yeah, bro. 839 00:44:46,533 --> 00:44:48,509 Why? 840 00:44:59,521 --> 00:45:01,509 - Reported stolen vehicle... Yellow Hummer 841 00:45:01,533 --> 00:45:02,515 with the word "Capitalism" 842 00:45:02,539 --> 00:45:04,512 spray-painted on the passenger side. 843 00:45:04,537 --> 00:45:07,511 - Why would anyone steal that car? 844 00:45:18,530 --> 00:45:20,512 Oh, fuck! 845 00:45:20,537 --> 00:45:21,518 Fuck! 846 00:45:21,541 --> 00:45:22,544 Fuck! 847 00:45:39,549 --> 00:45:41,517 - What is wrong with this person? 848 00:45:41,540 --> 00:45:43,504 Pull over. 849 00:45:55,552 --> 00:45:57,528 -Sam? 850 00:45:57,553 --> 00:45:59,551 Why are you wearing a helmet? 851 00:46:16,538 --> 00:46:19,512 -Morgan? 852 00:46:19,536 --> 00:46:21,529 - Guys, hey! 853 00:46:21,553 --> 00:46:22,556 -What are you doing here? 854 00:46:23,534 --> 00:46:24,527 - They don't tell you this online, 855 00:46:24,552 --> 00:46:29,515 but the vodka tampon has, like, a real suppository effect. 856 00:46:29,540 --> 00:46:31,526 So this guy caught me shitting on his front lawn. 857 00:46:31,550 --> 00:46:35,515 I was like, "What do you think fertilizer is?" 858 00:46:35,540 --> 00:46:37,527 Anyway, now I'm here. 859 00:46:37,552 --> 00:46:41,526 - Can I have a word with you guys for a sec? 860 00:46:41,550 --> 00:46:43,541 Not you. 861 00:46:45,553 --> 00:46:46,535 You know, I was expecting 862 00:46:46,559 --> 00:46:48,527 to have a quiet night in the office. 863 00:46:48,552 --> 00:46:51,526 I was gonna do some light DMing, maybe watch "Game of Thrones," 864 00:46:51,550 --> 00:46:52,563 have a little ice cream. 865 00:46:53,541 --> 00:46:55,534 I wasn't planning to run around town fully pregnant 866 00:46:55,559 --> 00:46:57,564 trying to arrest the co-valedictorians. 867 00:46:58,543 --> 00:46:59,528 Can you just tell me what happened, 868 00:46:59,553 --> 00:47:00,543 and start from the beginning, please? 869 00:47:00,566 --> 00:47:02,526 -My experience in mock trial 870 00:47:02,551 --> 00:47:04,522 has taught me not to talk to a police officer 871 00:47:04,545 --> 00:47:06,526 until first engaging with an attorney. 872 00:47:06,551 --> 00:47:09,564 - Okay, your friend sucks. - She's not my friend anymore. 873 00:47:11,550 --> 00:47:13,524 -Being pregnant is really crazy. 874 00:47:13,548 --> 00:47:15,529 'Cause everything I see here 875 00:47:15,554 --> 00:47:17,538 makes me think of what's going on in here. 876 00:47:17,563 --> 00:47:19,535 If you guys are the best-case scenario, 877 00:47:19,559 --> 00:47:21,536 then we're really all screwed. 878 00:47:21,560 --> 00:47:25,550 I need more pickles. I'm so depressed. 879 00:47:32,564 --> 00:47:34,537 - I don't know why I always listen to you. 880 00:47:34,561 --> 00:47:35,573 -Because I'm smarter. 881 00:47:38,557 --> 00:47:40,540 - You are not smarter than me, Danielle. 882 00:47:40,563 --> 00:47:41,549 -If I'm not smarter than you, 883 00:47:41,574 --> 00:47:43,571 then how come I'm the one that got into Harvard? 884 00:47:46,561 --> 00:47:47,552 -I got into Harvard. 885 00:47:47,577 --> 00:47:49,543 -What? 886 00:47:49,566 --> 00:47:51,541 - I got in, but I didn't want to tell you 887 00:47:51,565 --> 00:47:53,541 because you got wait-listed, 888 00:47:53,566 --> 00:47:56,547 and I didn't want you to feel bad. 889 00:47:56,572 --> 00:48:00,536 - Well, if you got into Harvard, then why are you going to state? 890 00:48:00,560 --> 00:48:02,545 - Do you even know how much Harvard costs? 891 00:48:02,570 --> 00:48:03,551 -No. 892 00:48:03,575 --> 00:48:05,548 - Right. Of course you don't. 893 00:48:05,573 --> 00:48:07,535 You don't even need to think about that. 894 00:48:07,559 --> 00:48:08,545 Your moms have probably been putting money 895 00:48:08,570 --> 00:48:10,050 into a college fund since you were 10. 896 00:48:10,558 --> 00:48:12,438 - Actually, they started before I was conceived. 897 00:48:12,559 --> 00:48:15,547 - Well, not everyone is as lucky as you, Danielle. 898 00:48:15,572 --> 00:48:19,540 Everything is just so fucking easy for you. 899 00:48:19,566 --> 00:48:20,551 -Are you kidding me? 900 00:48:20,574 --> 00:48:22,546 Do you know what kind of pressure I'm under? 901 00:48:22,571 --> 00:48:23,552 My parents have invested 902 00:48:23,576 --> 00:48:25,540 everything that they have into me. 903 00:48:25,565 --> 00:48:28,541 - Danielle, your parents are here. 904 00:48:35,566 --> 00:48:37,446 - Danielle was charged with motor vehicle theft, 905 00:48:37,565 --> 00:48:38,552 and I was charged with possession 906 00:48:38,576 --> 00:48:41,554 of a controlled substance and resisting arrest. 907 00:48:41,578 --> 00:48:45,548 Both charges meant that we wouldn't get to graduate. 908 00:48:45,573 --> 00:48:48,555 My dad took another hour and 10 minutes to get there. 909 00:48:48,580 --> 00:48:52,570 But I now know that he smokes pot, so... 910 00:48:54,573 --> 00:48:57,556 - Ugh. Oh. I am pickled out. 911 00:48:57,581 --> 00:48:58,565 -Yeah, you just ate seven. 912 00:48:58,590 --> 00:49:02,551 - It wasn't seven. - I counted. 913 00:49:02,575 --> 00:49:04,592 -Okay, that's gross. 914 00:49:05,571 --> 00:49:07,593 You know, you're obviously a good kid. 915 00:49:08,572 --> 00:49:10,581 What... What happened tonight? 916 00:49:13,578 --> 00:49:16,557 - Danielle and I got called "good girls" in the yearbook. 917 00:49:16,582 --> 00:49:17,560 -Oh. 918 00:49:17,584 --> 00:49:20,570 - I think we just sort of freaked out. 919 00:49:20,593 --> 00:49:23,571 - You know what I got called in my high-school yearbook? 920 00:49:23,596 --> 00:49:25,553 Most Muppet-like. 921 00:49:25,578 --> 00:49:27,568 I mean, do I look like a Muppet to you? 922 00:49:27,592 --> 00:49:30,559 Do I? - Definitely not. 923 00:49:30,583 --> 00:49:32,558 -No, I still can't wear fleece. 924 00:49:32,583 --> 00:49:35,562 It really fucked me up for a long time. 925 00:49:35,587 --> 00:49:39,559 And then I realized, those yearbook people, 926 00:49:39,584 --> 00:49:40,567 they were all the ones who were too dumb 927 00:49:40,591 --> 00:49:41,576 to write for the newspaper. 928 00:49:41,600 --> 00:49:44,578 It shouldn't affect your whole life, okay? 929 00:49:45,600 --> 00:49:50,558 You're like a young, dumb me. 930 00:49:50,582 --> 00:49:53,559 With worse hair. 931 00:49:53,584 --> 00:49:56,574 - She... Do you understa... She is under investigation. 932 00:49:56,599 --> 00:49:58,573 - I know. - That means no graduation. 933 00:49:58,598 --> 00:49:59,605 That means no Harvard! 934 00:50:00,583 --> 00:50:02,564 Do you... Well, how... Where did we go wrong? 935 00:50:02,588 --> 00:50:03,565 Where did we... 936 00:50:03,590 --> 00:50:05,582 -It's gonna be okay, baby, okay? 937 00:50:05,605 --> 00:50:08,576 I'm sure there's a logical explanation, sweetheart. 938 00:50:08,601 --> 00:50:10,571 -I gotta go lay down. 939 00:50:19,597 --> 00:50:22,607 -Man. What a terrible day. 940 00:50:24,587 --> 00:50:27,566 -I have to tell you something. 941 00:50:27,591 --> 00:50:30,573 Dad, I was the one who left the freezers open. 942 00:50:30,597 --> 00:50:32,571 Danielle and I smoked your pot. 943 00:50:32,595 --> 00:50:35,588 And we went to the shop, and we made a big mess. 944 00:50:37,611 --> 00:50:40,597 I also may have purchased a small dog. 945 00:50:43,592 --> 00:50:44,582 -I don't know what to say, Sam. 946 00:50:44,606 --> 00:50:48,600 I'm... I'm so disappointed in you. 947 00:50:50,607 --> 00:50:52,582 -You're disappointed in me? 948 00:50:52,607 --> 00:50:55,572 -Yeah. 949 00:50:55,597 --> 00:50:57,590 -Dad, I do everything right. 950 00:50:57,615 --> 00:51:03,581 I... I get straight A's, I clean up after you, I work. 951 00:51:03,606 --> 00:51:05,575 I got a scholarship to college, 952 00:51:05,600 --> 00:51:06,585 but it's like you don't even notice. 953 00:51:06,609 --> 00:51:08,582 I-I mean, I feel like I'm your employee. 954 00:51:08,607 --> 00:51:10,595 - Okay, hold on. Let's not go crazy here. 955 00:51:10,618 --> 00:51:12,584 Of course I notice you. 956 00:51:12,609 --> 00:51:15,576 - I've been trying to talk to you about college options for weeks, 957 00:51:15,601 --> 00:51:16,587 and you keep blowing me off. 958 00:51:16,611 --> 00:51:21,580 - All right, well, let's talk about it now. 959 00:51:21,605 --> 00:51:23,603 -Well, it's too late now. 960 00:51:26,603 --> 00:51:27,588 Why is it that you only notice me 961 00:51:27,612 --> 00:51:31,598 now that I did something wrong? 962 00:51:31,622 --> 00:51:32,902 I mean, why didn't you notice me 963 00:51:33,602 --> 00:51:37,581 when I was doing everything right? 964 00:51:37,605 --> 00:51:41,590 - Sam... - I need to take a walk. 965 00:51:51,615 --> 00:51:52,596 Hi. 966 00:51:54,627 --> 00:51:58,584 -Your mom's pretty upset. 967 00:51:58,609 --> 00:52:00,619 She just needs time to process things. 968 00:52:03,624 --> 00:52:05,590 You, um... 969 00:52:05,615 --> 00:52:11,608 You feel like telling me what happened a little bit, hmm? 970 00:52:11,633 --> 00:52:13,604 Why did you steal that boy's car? 971 00:52:13,629 --> 00:52:15,633 Is it 'cause it was a gas-guzzler? 972 00:52:18,629 --> 00:52:21,598 -Can I ask you something? 973 00:52:21,622 --> 00:52:23,592 - Yeah. - You can't tell anyone. 974 00:52:23,617 --> 00:52:25,623 -No. Okay, I won't. 975 00:52:29,615 --> 00:52:31,630 - Have you ever farted during sex? 976 00:52:36,624 --> 00:52:40,604 -You mean like a queef? 977 00:52:40,629 --> 00:52:43,607 Oh. It's pretty common, honey. 978 00:52:43,632 --> 00:52:46,611 You see, Danielle, the... the vagina... 979 00:52:47,640 --> 00:52:50,596 - ...the canal can get air trapped in it, 980 00:52:50,620 --> 00:52:51,602 and then... pbht. 981 00:52:51,626 --> 00:52:53,610 You just... You can't... 982 00:52:53,635 --> 00:52:54,616 It's... Oh. 983 00:52:54,640 --> 00:52:58,618 Oh, honey. It's okay. It's just air. 984 00:53:10,629 --> 00:53:12,645 -Can I help you? 985 00:53:13,624 --> 00:53:15,601 -Are you Mr. D's wife? 986 00:53:15,625 --> 00:53:18,603 -Yeah. 987 00:53:18,627 --> 00:53:20,645 - I am the girl who sexted your husband. 988 00:53:25,638 --> 00:53:26,622 I've always wondered about 989 00:53:26,646 --> 00:53:29,622 what Mr. D would look like in his pajamas. 990 00:53:29,646 --> 00:53:31,624 But I... was hoping 991 00:53:31,649 --> 00:53:35,606 that the circumstances would be different. 992 00:53:35,631 --> 00:53:38,606 I came to apologize for sending you that text. 993 00:53:38,630 --> 00:53:41,607 I can assure you that it was an accident. 994 00:53:41,632 --> 00:53:43,610 I realize that doesn't mitigate the emotional turmoil 995 00:53:43,635 --> 00:53:44,623 that this may have caused you or your wife, 996 00:53:44,647 --> 00:53:46,627 but I want you to know that... that I am prepared 997 00:53:46,652 --> 00:53:48,653 to suffer the consequences. 998 00:53:49,631 --> 00:53:50,616 We can go back to the police station, 999 00:53:50,639 --> 00:53:51,627 and I can explain everything. 1000 00:53:51,652 --> 00:53:53,619 And I'll tell them that it was all my fault 1001 00:53:53,643 --> 00:53:57,613 and that you had absolutely nothing to do with it. 1002 00:53:57,639 --> 00:53:59,630 - Why would we go to the police station? 1003 00:53:59,653 --> 00:54:02,615 - I thought you already reported the incident. 1004 00:54:02,640 --> 00:54:03,619 -What? 1005 00:54:03,644 --> 00:54:05,623 - There were police officers here. 1006 00:54:05,647 --> 00:54:06,628 Pizza Ken told me. 1007 00:54:06,653 --> 00:54:08,623 - Oh, Pizza Ken. Okay. 1008 00:54:08,646 --> 00:54:10,622 Um, I host a monthly trivia night. 1009 00:54:10,647 --> 00:54:13,621 I have friends on the force, and they came over. 1010 00:54:13,646 --> 00:54:20,626 Sam, I assume the text that you sent was some kind of prank. 1011 00:54:20,651 --> 00:54:22,615 -I am so embarrassed. 1012 00:54:22,640 --> 00:54:25,650 I mean, I just had the worst night of my life. 1013 00:54:26,660 --> 00:54:28,625 -You want to talk about it? 1014 00:54:28,649 --> 00:54:30,634 - Danielle and I smoked some pot, and... 1015 00:54:30,659 --> 00:54:34,619 and things got out of hand, and we both got arrested. 1016 00:54:34,644 --> 00:54:36,623 I won't get to graduate, I'm gonna... 1017 00:54:36,647 --> 00:54:40,621 I'm gonna lose my scholarship. 1018 00:54:40,645 --> 00:54:43,661 And everything I've been working so hard for, it's just gone. 1019 00:54:45,659 --> 00:54:48,631 -That's not so bad. 1020 00:54:48,655 --> 00:54:49,639 -How? 1021 00:54:49,663 --> 00:54:53,630 - Well, I mean, you're still alive. 1022 00:54:53,656 --> 00:54:55,640 You're the best student I've ever had, Sam. 1023 00:54:55,664 --> 00:54:57,644 - Really? - Yeah. 1024 00:54:57,668 --> 00:55:00,668 You're gonna go on to do amazing things with your life. 1025 00:55:01,647 --> 00:55:02,630 I mean, one bad night 1026 00:55:02,655 --> 00:55:05,642 isn't going to erase all of your promise. 1027 00:55:05,667 --> 00:55:07,663 Life is cumulative. 1028 00:55:10,655 --> 00:55:13,633 - Thanks, Mr. D. 1029 00:55:13,658 --> 00:55:15,636 - There is one thing you could do. 1030 00:55:15,661 --> 00:55:17,629 -Anything. Name it. 1031 00:55:17,653 --> 00:55:20,642 - Okay, please just hand in those teacher evaluations. 1032 00:55:20,667 --> 00:55:23,650 - I will. - Thank you. 1033 00:55:23,674 --> 00:55:25,650 - For the record, those weren't even my boobs. 1034 00:55:25,674 --> 00:55:27,673 - You know, we don't have to talk about that. 1035 00:55:34,664 --> 00:55:36,665 -Fuck. 1036 00:55:48,671 --> 00:55:52,656 I forgot thathappened. 1037 00:55:53,676 --> 00:55:55,673 Can we please talk? 1038 00:56:02,680 --> 00:56:06,683 Things with Jeremy got really intense last night. 1039 00:56:07,660 --> 00:56:08,740 I think we kind of had sex. 1040 00:56:09,660 --> 00:56:12,644 I mean, we definitely did, but it was weird, 1041 00:56:12,669 --> 00:56:14,658 and I could... I could really use a friend right now. 1042 00:56:14,683 --> 00:56:18,654 - I really needed a friend last night. 1043 00:56:18,678 --> 00:56:22,642 -Sam... 1044 00:56:22,668 --> 00:56:23,657 -All of the ice cream melted 1045 00:56:23,681 --> 00:56:25,686 'cause we left the freezers open. 1046 00:56:26,665 --> 00:56:27,657 And now my dad's shutting down the shop. 1047 00:56:27,680 --> 00:56:28,687 -What?! 1048 00:56:29,666 --> 00:56:31,644 No, you guys can't let those unicorn fuckers win. 1049 00:56:31,669 --> 00:56:32,663 Your ice cream is way better. 1050 00:56:32,687 --> 00:56:34,689 - I don't ever want to talk to you again. 1051 00:56:35,668 --> 00:56:37,656 -Sam! 1052 00:56:37,680 --> 00:56:39,658 -For the record, 1053 00:56:39,682 --> 00:56:44,660 I was really happy with who we were before. 1054 00:56:44,686 --> 00:56:47,662 I shouldn't care so much about what other people think. 1055 00:56:59,672 --> 00:57:00,668 - Congratulations! 1056 00:57:02,673 --> 00:57:03,658 -On what? 1057 00:57:03,682 --> 00:57:05,650 What's... going on? 1058 00:57:05,675 --> 00:57:08,665 -You got into Harvard. 1059 00:57:08,689 --> 00:57:10,653 -Dad, I know. 1060 00:57:10,678 --> 00:57:12,656 They E-mailed me a couple months ago. 1061 00:57:12,680 --> 00:57:13,668 -Well, why didn't you tell me? 1062 00:57:13,693 --> 00:57:15,697 -I tried. 1063 00:57:16,675 --> 00:57:18,655 It's just too expensive. 1064 00:57:18,679 --> 00:57:19,667 I know we're struggling right now. 1065 00:57:19,692 --> 00:57:21,655 And I don't want to add to that... 1066 00:57:21,679 --> 00:57:23,658 - How do you know we're struggling? 1067 00:57:23,683 --> 00:57:25,655 -I work at the shop. 1068 00:57:25,680 --> 00:57:28,676 And also we had mac-and-cheese 13 times last month. 1069 00:57:28,700 --> 00:57:30,669 - I thought you like mac-and-cheese. 1070 00:57:30,694 --> 00:57:32,702 -I did. 1071 00:57:33,681 --> 00:57:34,671 -Okay, honey... 1072 00:57:34,695 --> 00:57:37,665 Listen, we're selling the ice cream shop. 1073 00:57:37,688 --> 00:57:39,670 With that money, we'll have more than enough 1074 00:57:39,695 --> 00:57:41,662 to send you to Harvard. 1075 00:57:41,686 --> 00:57:45,670 -Dad, I... I, um... 1076 00:57:45,696 --> 00:57:47,667 I declined admission. 1077 00:57:47,690 --> 00:57:48,671 -Sam, you've gotta call them 1078 00:57:48,696 --> 00:57:51,680 and tell them you made a mistake, okay? 1079 00:57:51,705 --> 00:57:53,700 -It's... It's too late, Dad. 1080 00:57:58,692 --> 00:58:01,675 Look, sweetie, when your mom died, 1081 00:58:01,700 --> 00:58:04,671 she made me promise one thing... 1082 00:58:04,696 --> 00:58:06,681 That I wouldn't mess you up. 1083 00:58:06,705 --> 00:58:09,669 Have I messed you up? 1084 00:58:09,694 --> 00:58:11,673 -I don't think so. 1085 00:58:11,697 --> 00:58:14,671 - It's not easy having a kid that's smarter than you are. 1086 00:58:14,696 --> 00:58:17,671 I have to face that humiliation every day. 1087 00:58:17,695 --> 00:58:19,679 But in exchange, I get to tell people 1088 00:58:19,704 --> 00:58:24,667 that I have a smart kid... Harvard smart. 1089 00:58:24,692 --> 00:58:27,686 My parents, they gave me an ice cream shop. 1090 00:58:27,710 --> 00:58:32,681 But you could do great things. You could cure cancer. 1091 00:58:32,706 --> 00:58:35,683 You could make a-a-a pea protein 1092 00:58:35,708 --> 00:58:38,676 that finally tastes as good as meat does. 1093 00:58:38,700 --> 00:58:44,684 Sam, I want you to be your best self. 1094 00:58:44,710 --> 00:58:47,681 Now, have you talked about this with Danielle? 1095 00:58:47,706 --> 00:58:50,679 -No. We're not friends anymore. 1096 00:58:50,704 --> 00:58:52,677 - What are you talking about? What happened? 1097 00:58:52,701 --> 00:58:54,684 - She said that she was smarter than me. 1098 00:58:54,709 --> 00:58:57,680 - Was she high when she said that? 1099 00:58:57,704 --> 00:58:58,686 All right, I get that. 1100 00:58:58,710 --> 00:58:59,694 One time, I got so high, 1101 00:58:59,719 --> 00:59:01,693 I thought I knew how to sail a boat. 1102 00:59:01,717 --> 00:59:03,693 I was stuck on the lake for three days. 1103 00:59:03,718 --> 00:59:05,691 I had to drink my own urine. 1104 00:59:05,716 --> 00:59:07,692 -So, I... I guess I've learned 1105 00:59:07,714 --> 00:59:10,676 all sorts of things this weekend. 1106 00:59:10,701 --> 00:59:12,688 I'm too high to come down! 1107 00:59:13,723 --> 00:59:15,685 -This bong is huge. 1108 00:59:15,710 --> 00:59:17,680 Like, this is some world record shit right now. 1109 00:59:17,704 --> 00:59:18,690 Did you see that it got a Wiki page? 1110 00:59:18,714 --> 00:59:21,679 - Oh, my God, I can't believe she did that. 1111 00:59:21,704 --> 00:59:24,685 - Dude, me, neither. It already has 500 hits. 1112 00:59:24,710 --> 00:59:25,697 Is that considered viral? 1113 00:59:25,721 --> 00:59:29,696 - I lost my best friend. - You know that's not true. 1114 00:59:29,721 --> 00:59:31,687 - She says that she thinks I care too much 1115 00:59:31,711 --> 00:59:32,692 about what people think, 1116 00:59:32,717 --> 00:59:34,700 and I'm worried that she's right. 1117 00:59:34,724 --> 00:59:38,701 - Well, your answer's right there... don't care. 1118 00:59:38,726 --> 00:59:40,703 You're dead-ass one of the baddest bitches that I know. 1119 00:59:40,727 --> 00:59:42,700 Fuck good girls, fuck what other people think. 1120 00:59:42,725 --> 00:59:46,688 Just be yourself. 1121 00:59:46,712 --> 00:59:48,694 - Thanks, Pizza Ken. - You're welcome. 1122 00:59:48,719 --> 00:59:49,707 I'm full of wisdom... 1123 00:59:49,731 --> 00:59:52,687 and garlic knots that I stole. 1124 00:59:52,711 --> 00:59:53,687 Eat one. 1125 01:00:28,734 --> 01:00:30,705 - I don't like to make qualitative judgments, 1126 01:00:30,729 --> 01:00:34,701 but this was the dumbest thing I've ever seen. 1127 01:00:34,727 --> 01:00:35,713 I mean, if she wanted to reference 1128 01:00:35,736 --> 01:00:36,714 our pizza-and-a-doc night... 1129 01:00:38,719 --> 01:00:41,699 - ...then she should have brought me pizza. 1130 01:00:41,724 --> 01:00:42,709 Or a documentary. 1131 01:00:57,727 --> 01:01:00,705 I'm sorry I abandoned you last night. 1132 01:01:00,730 --> 01:01:02,717 I don't care what anybody thinks about me anymore. 1133 01:01:02,742 --> 01:01:04,713 I just want my best friend back. 1134 01:01:04,738 --> 01:01:07,703 And I'm prepared to dress like this every single day 1135 01:01:07,727 --> 01:01:10,718 until you accept my undying devotion to our friendship. 1136 01:01:21,744 --> 01:01:23,723 - You're seriously willing to wear that shirt everyday? 1137 01:01:23,747 --> 01:01:24,727 -Yes. 1138 01:01:24,752 --> 01:01:27,709 -Even if it starts smelling? 1139 01:01:27,733 --> 01:01:29,717 -Yes. 1140 01:01:29,741 --> 01:01:31,714 - Underwear, too? - Yes. 1141 01:01:31,739 --> 01:01:33,716 And I'm sorry that I said that I was smarter than you. 1142 01:01:33,741 --> 01:01:36,715 I'm definitely not. You're way smarter than me. 1143 01:01:36,739 --> 01:01:38,721 - No, I mean, you're more right-brained, 1144 01:01:38,745 --> 01:01:40,714 and I'm more left-brained. 1145 01:01:40,739 --> 01:01:45,744 So, together, we just make one giant brain. 1146 01:01:48,738 --> 01:01:51,712 - I love you, Sam. - I love you, too. 1147 01:01:51,737 --> 01:01:52,757 -Oh! 1148 01:01:56,748 --> 01:01:59,733 - Also, I think I figured out a way to save the shop. 1149 01:01:59,758 --> 01:02:02,719 But I'm gonna need your help. 1150 01:02:05,758 --> 01:02:07,728 - Hi, Mr. D. - Hey, Sam. 1151 01:02:07,752 --> 01:02:09,759 - I just turned in the teacher evaluations. 1152 01:02:10,738 --> 01:02:12,716 - Thank you. - Um... 1153 01:02:12,741 --> 01:02:14,261 Since it's the end of the year and all, 1154 01:02:14,740 --> 01:02:17,724 I was wondering if I could have something. 1155 01:02:31,760 --> 01:02:35,726 Okay. On three. 1156 01:02:35,750 --> 01:02:39,727 One... two... three. 1157 01:02:46,764 --> 01:02:49,733 Needs a clever name. 1158 01:02:49,758 --> 01:02:51,738 -What about dragon balls? 1159 01:02:51,763 --> 01:02:54,734 Or smokey balls. Steamy balls. 1160 01:02:54,757 --> 01:02:56,746 - Let's just steer clear of the word "balls." 1161 01:02:56,771 --> 01:03:00,735 -What about ghost candy? 1162 01:03:00,760 --> 01:03:02,745 -Ghost candy. 1163 01:03:02,770 --> 01:03:04,743 I like it. 1164 01:03:11,762 --> 01:03:14,731 No one's coming. 1165 01:03:14,755 --> 01:03:15,743 -They don't know what we have. 1166 01:03:15,767 --> 01:03:19,731 People need to see it. 1167 01:03:19,756 --> 01:03:20,739 I have an idea. 1168 01:03:26,771 --> 01:03:27,778 -What is that? 1169 01:03:28,756 --> 01:03:31,738 - Ghost candy. They sell it in there. 1170 01:03:31,763 --> 01:03:34,746 -Cool. Let's go. 1171 01:03:35,777 --> 01:03:38,735 Hi. I'll have whatever he's having. 1172 01:03:38,759 --> 01:03:40,757 -That will be $5, please. 1173 01:03:42,777 --> 01:03:44,752 - Hey, guys, I'm at Jansen's Ice Cream Shop, 1174 01:03:44,776 --> 01:03:47,757 and I'm about to try ghost candy for the first time. 1175 01:04:19,779 --> 01:04:21,755 - How'd you guys come up with this? 1176 01:04:40,791 --> 01:04:42,769 -Hey. 1177 01:04:42,793 --> 01:04:44,768 -Hey. 1178 01:04:44,792 --> 01:04:46,769 What are you doing here? 1179 01:04:46,794 --> 01:04:48,762 - I just came here to apologize... 1180 01:04:48,786 --> 01:04:51,794 for the way I acted the other night. 1181 01:04:52,774 --> 01:04:55,757 I'm sorry that I was a jerk 1182 01:04:55,781 --> 01:05:00,765 and that I, um, bailed right after we... 1183 01:05:00,790 --> 01:05:02,771 you know. 1184 01:05:02,796 --> 01:05:04,762 -I'm sorry I stole your car. 1185 01:05:04,786 --> 01:05:07,762 - Oh, yeah, about that... Um, I spoke to the police today. 1186 01:05:07,786 --> 01:05:09,774 I told them I gave you my keys, and they're dropping the case. 1187 01:05:09,798 --> 01:05:11,757 Really? 1188 01:05:11,782 --> 01:05:12,763 I'm gonna get to graduate? 1189 01:05:12,787 --> 01:05:14,757 Yeah. 1190 01:05:14,781 --> 01:05:18,770 - Artforummagazine saw my photo of the crime scene on Instagram, 1191 01:05:18,795 --> 01:05:22,759 and they're going to publish it in their next issue. 1192 01:05:22,785 --> 01:05:25,769 -Wow. That's amazing. 1193 01:05:25,793 --> 01:05:27,433 - It's actually a really big break for me. 1194 01:05:27,781 --> 01:05:29,767 I should be thanking you for stealing my car. 1195 01:05:29,791 --> 01:05:31,800 - You're welcome. 1196 01:05:35,804 --> 01:05:38,760 -Are we cool? 1197 01:05:38,785 --> 01:05:39,775 -Yeah, we're cool. 1198 01:05:39,800 --> 01:05:41,782 -All right. 1199 01:05:41,806 --> 01:05:44,762 Okay. 1200 01:05:44,786 --> 01:05:47,765 Um, hey... 1201 01:05:47,790 --> 01:05:49,776 Would you... 1202 01:05:49,801 --> 01:05:52,775 maybe want to go on a date some time? 1203 01:05:59,795 --> 01:06:03,783 -Maybe we could just be friends. 1204 01:06:03,808 --> 01:06:05,776 -Oh, yeah, um... 1205 01:06:05,800 --> 01:06:10,790 No. That's cool. 1206 01:06:17,807 --> 01:06:19,814 - So, this meant that Danielle was graduating 1207 01:06:20,793 --> 01:06:24,772 and I was still a juvenile delinquent. 1208 01:06:24,797 --> 01:06:25,781 That was great for her. 1209 01:06:41,802 --> 01:06:43,775 -Where is she? 1210 01:06:43,799 --> 01:06:47,790 - Welcome, parents, faculty, and graduates. 1211 01:06:49,819 --> 01:06:53,784 - I'm not going if you can't graduate. 1212 01:06:53,809 --> 01:06:56,783 Is that your graduation robe? 1213 01:06:56,808 --> 01:06:58,796 -I made it a nest for Zelda. 1214 01:06:58,820 --> 01:07:01,779 I call it the nest of broken dreams. 1215 01:07:02,812 --> 01:07:05,794 - I saw that ghost candy on Instagram. 1216 01:07:05,818 --> 01:07:07,784 I have to make sure it's not drugs. 1217 01:07:07,808 --> 01:07:09,825 - It's not. It's liquid nitrogen. 1218 01:07:10,804 --> 01:07:12,324 It's food grade. - It's totally edible. 1219 01:07:12,805 --> 01:07:14,786 - Okay, I'll take your word for it. 1220 01:07:14,810 --> 01:07:16,794 Why aren't you at graduation? 1221 01:07:16,818 --> 01:07:18,792 - I think it will be too painful to just watch. 1222 01:07:18,817 --> 01:07:20,797 - And I am not going if Sam can't graduate. 1223 01:07:20,822 --> 01:07:23,793 - That's funny, 'cause I talked to a guy named Mr. D 1224 01:07:23,816 --> 01:07:24,804 and the principal of your school, 1225 01:07:24,828 --> 01:07:27,784 and they both seem to think you're graduating today. 1226 01:07:27,809 --> 01:07:29,785 - What? - The charges have been dropped. 1227 01:07:29,810 --> 01:07:32,807 All of the paperwork was covered in pickle juice. 1228 01:07:34,824 --> 01:07:36,805 Yeah, hurry up. You're gonna be late. 1229 01:07:51,825 --> 01:07:53,794 - This is the best day of my life. 1230 01:07:53,818 --> 01:07:54,801 Is that sad? 1231 01:07:54,825 --> 01:07:55,810 - You know, my students, uh, come up to me 1232 01:07:55,834 --> 01:07:57,794 all the time, and they ask me, 1233 01:07:57,819 --> 01:08:00,792 "How often will I really need chemistry?" 1234 01:08:00,817 --> 01:08:02,806 And I tell them, "Periodically." 1235 01:08:05,832 --> 01:08:07,807 Ah, now please welcome 1236 01:08:07,832 --> 01:08:10,814 Woodbright High's co-valedictorians... 1237 01:08:10,838 --> 01:08:14,803 Danielle Compton and Sam Jansen! 1238 01:08:33,822 --> 01:08:36,798 -Wait. We don't have a speech. 1239 01:08:36,823 --> 01:08:39,799 -We're gonna have to wing it. 1240 01:08:39,824 --> 01:08:41,801 -Oh, shit. 1241 01:08:49,839 --> 01:08:53,808 Those of you that know me know that I love Shakespeare. 1242 01:08:53,831 --> 01:08:56,811 He once wrote, "To thine own self be true." 1243 01:08:56,836 --> 01:09:00,813 Well, this weekend, I forgot to take his advice. 1244 01:09:00,838 --> 01:09:04,805 I was convinced that I had to be different. 1245 01:09:04,830 --> 01:09:07,823 High school has a funny way of putting people into boxes... 1246 01:09:07,848 --> 01:09:10,806 This person's good at math, 1247 01:09:10,831 --> 01:09:13,819 that person is good at football. 1248 01:09:13,843 --> 01:09:15,822 That person really knows how to put on eyeliner 1249 01:09:15,846 --> 01:09:18,808 while doing kundalini yoga. 1250 01:09:18,833 --> 01:09:21,829 But we're all so much more than that. 1251 01:09:21,855 --> 01:09:26,811 High school isn't about how other people see us. 1252 01:09:26,835 --> 01:09:28,820 It's about figuring out who we are 1253 01:09:28,845 --> 01:09:30,812 and staying true to that. 1254 01:09:30,837 --> 01:09:34,820 And I learned that not from Shakespeare... 1255 01:09:34,844 --> 01:09:38,824 but from my best friend, Sam. 1256 01:09:38,848 --> 01:09:40,836 It's all you. 1257 01:09:45,852 --> 01:09:47,832 -This past weekend, 1258 01:09:47,856 --> 01:09:50,828 Danielle and I got high for the first time in our lives. 1259 01:09:50,853 --> 01:09:54,817 A lot of really messed up things happened after that. 1260 01:09:54,842 --> 01:09:56,827 Danielle lost her virginity inside of a Hummer. 1261 01:09:56,851 --> 01:09:59,824 It's true. I did that. 1262 01:09:59,849 --> 01:10:02,823 - And I helped build the world's tallest bong, 1263 01:10:02,847 --> 01:10:06,819 which unfortunately was damaged before being documented 1264 01:10:06,845 --> 01:10:09,824 by the Guinness Book of World Records. 1265 01:10:09,849 --> 01:10:13,834 Then we got arrested, and our lives were pretty much ruined. 1266 01:10:13,858 --> 01:10:16,831 But... I think I learned more this weekend 1267 01:10:16,856 --> 01:10:19,828 than I did in all four years of high school. 1268 01:10:19,853 --> 01:10:21,840 The most important thing I learned 1269 01:10:21,864 --> 01:10:24,846 is that life is cumulative. 1270 01:10:26,859 --> 01:10:31,860 Each day provides a chance for us to be our best selves. 1271 01:10:37,868 --> 01:10:41,835 So... let's strive to be our best selves 1272 01:10:41,860 --> 01:10:45,835 as we head into the future. 1273 01:10:45,860 --> 01:10:48,829 Congratulations, Class of 2018. 1274 01:10:54,872 --> 01:10:57,833 -Those are my girls! 1275 01:10:57,858 --> 01:11:00,832 - Super boring. - That was fuckin' lame. 1276 01:11:00,857 --> 01:11:01,834 -Whoo! 1277 01:11:07,861 --> 01:11:08,877 -So, that's my story. 1278 01:11:09,855 --> 01:11:13,832 As you can see, I've really grown a lot this past weekend. 1279 01:11:13,856 --> 01:11:14,848 And if life truly is cumulative, 1280 01:11:14,873 --> 01:11:18,841 I hope you'll reconsider my admission for next year. 1281 01:11:18,866 --> 01:11:20,835 The ghost candy is selling like crazy, 1282 01:11:20,860 --> 01:11:23,841 and I can totally afford to come now. 1283 01:11:23,865 --> 01:11:26,855 Also, I have my room assignment all figured out. 1284 01:11:26,880 --> 01:11:29,852 -Hi. Are you done? 1285 01:11:29,877 --> 01:11:30,857 -Yeah, I think so. 1286 01:11:30,881 --> 01:11:34,837 - I forgot. I got you something. 1287 01:11:34,861 --> 01:11:35,849 -What? 1288 01:11:35,874 --> 01:11:38,848 This is even newer than the one I had. 1289 01:11:38,873 --> 01:11:40,851 Where did you get this? 1290 01:11:40,875 --> 01:11:42,846 -From a patron of the arts. 1291 01:11:42,870 --> 01:11:44,844 - I'm surprised no one's stolen that iPhone yet. 1292 01:11:50,870 --> 01:11:51,862 Oh. Whoops. 1293 01:12:00,868 --> 01:12:02,846 - Okay, we have decorative options. 1294 01:12:02,870 --> 01:12:07,863 Which do you prefer... Solar system... or artful map? 1295 01:12:07,889 --> 01:12:12,858 -What do you think, Zelda? 1296 01:12:12,882 --> 01:12:13,861 Artful map. 1297 01:12:13,886 --> 01:12:15,850 - I was hoping you would say that. 1298 01:12:15,874 --> 01:12:18,847 -What's up, puppers? 1299 01:12:22,870 --> 01:12:25,853 Oh, my God! Patty had her baby. 1300 01:12:25,878 --> 01:12:28,852 She's so cute. 1301 01:12:28,877 --> 01:12:29,866 - Aww! - Aww! 1302 01:12:29,890 --> 01:12:31,852 - Hey, guys. 1303 01:12:31,876 --> 01:12:32,860 There's a huge beginning-of-the-year party 1304 01:12:32,884 --> 01:12:33,871 happening tonight. Everybody's going. 1305 01:12:33,895 --> 01:12:35,858 Do you want to pop in? 1306 01:13:52,911 --> 01:13:55,876 -Hey, what's up? It's Mr. D. 1307 01:13:55,901 --> 01:14:00,887 Just kidding. I'm Danny. I'm an actor. 1308 01:17:49,947 --> 01:17:51,936 -Hey, what's up? It's Mr. D. 1309 01:17:51,961 --> 01:17:57,924 Just kidding. I'm Danny. I'm an actor. 1310 01:20:33,000 --> 01:20:36,000 Subtitles Diego Moraes(oakislandtk) www.opensubtitles.org 95527