All language subtitles for Black.Comedy.S02E02_English

So, in closing I'd like to say

thank you to you all
for being here today

to share this momentous occasion
with us.

OK, everyone, could you just
turn and face me, please,

and we'll just get a few snaps
of the visit.

Good, OK. Lots of smiles.
You're all very happy.

You've just done a great deal
for the community.

OK, uh, could you just look
a little more casual for me,

just a little more casual?

Good. Good. Just think of
Charlie Perkins. That's the way.

Good. Good. Good.

OK, I want you to imagine
that you're Greg Inglis,

you've just taken the Bunnies
to the Premiership, OK?

You're Archie Roach, David Gulpilil.

OK, guys, could you just
be a little bit more, um...

..a little bit more Aboriginal
for me?

Excuse me?

More... more Aboriginal.
They know what I'm saying, right?

Am I speaking Yiddish?
Can we get a lap-lap happening here?

I'm looking at you, Walkabout.

Aunty... Aunty,
could you to just squeeze up for me.

What the fuck did he just call me?

Can we get some lateral violence
up the back there as well.

Good, yes. Good, good, good.

OK. Make sure you get your leg up.
Leg up, that's it.

Now, I'm seeing a young mother
up the front here

with no kids to fight for.

Good. Get the kids in.

Oh, hold on, hold on.
Just remove one.

Perfect. Perfect. OK, everyone,
say 'sovereignty' on three.

1-2-3.

Theme music

MAN ON RADIO:
Cricket coach Darren Lehmann

blames his players and not the pitch
for the loss to Pakistan...

(Smash!)

Ow! Mum!

(Hums merrily)

No-one's gonna put a dot
on a boomerang without my approval.

A grass basket gets sold
in the Botanical Gardens - I want in.

Understood?
BOTH: Understood.

As far back as I can remember,
I wanted to be an elder.

For me, being an elder
was better than being

seven Adam Goodeses
or three Greg Ingli-i.

At the luncheon, you never
had to wait for the sandwiches,

at bingo,
you always got your cards first,

you always got a seat
at the funeral -

that's if it wasn't your own -

but above everything else,
you were respected.

I once saw a man get up
and out of his barber chair

halfway through his haircut
for Uncle Sid,

and he walked around with that
fucked-up haircut for two weeks.

I used to wash up Uncle Sid's car,

and now those kids in the community,
they wash mine.

And that's because
I drive Aunty Mary.

Aunty Mary moves at her own pace

because she don't gotta be
anywhere for anyone.

Aunty Mary has a kind heart
but a hot head,

and there's one person who knows
how to press her buttons -

Aunty Joycie.

Aunty Mary and Aunty Joycie
run the Welcome to Country.

And competition is fierce.

Welcome to Country
is charged by the syllable.

You wanted the smoking ceremony?
That's extra.

You want the gum leaves?
That'll cost ya.

Per leaf!

And in competition,
there's got to be a No.1.

(Wailing)

(Wailing intensifies)

This was our thing,
and once you're in...

(Whispers)
Aunty Joycie wants to see Aunty Mary

at the restaurant after the wake.

Alright, I'll let her know.

..you're in.

Dad?

Yes, son?

You know how a coconut is a black
person who's dark on the outside

and white on the inside?

Yes, son.

And is also a nut that's dark on
the outside and white on the inside?

Yes, son.

Well, which one
was named after which?

I guess we'll never know, son.

Yeah.

Yeah.

(Phone rings)

Welcome to Black On Track.
This is Jessie, how can I help you?

WOMAN:
Uh, yeah, I'm looking for Donna.

We're supposed to be having
a phone interview.

Oh. I'll just try her for you.

(Phone ringing)

I'm sorry,
but she's not answering right now.

What do you mean,
she's not answering?

Um, she's not answering, and judging
by the time, I'd say she's gone home.

What?!

I'm supposed to be having
a phone interview with her.

Oh, this is so typical
of you office blacks.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means that you're meant to be
helping us blacks get a job,

but instead you pricks
are only worried about yourselves!

Well, let me see if I can find
someone else for you,

but judging by the time,
I'd say everybody's gone home.

Oh, see? Bunch of useless bastards -
taking off before it's even 5:00.

Don't even know
why I bothered calling.

Well, what time was your interview?

2pm.
2pm?!

It's nearly 5:00!
So?

Sister, that's not even Murri time.

That's just lazy, get-your-
unorganised-shit-together time.

When you're supposed
to be open till 5:00,

someone should still be there.

And when you make an appointment,
you're supposed to keep it.

Well, I had things to do.

Yeah, well, you're not the only one.

Eyah, don't get smart with me, boy.

Eyah, you don't want
to get smart with me.

Ringing up here complaining,
calling me 'office black',

when it's your gammin,
can't-even-keep-track-of-time arse

that's ringing up three hours later
for an appointment.

What kind of hairy-arse woman
thinks she's gonna get a job

when her no good, demanding,
who-the-hell-she-think-he-is

slut of an attitude
gonna be blamin' everybody else

for her
can't-even-keep-track-of-time shit?

How about if you wanna
get your impatient arse a job,

then you ring up
when you're supposed to -

not one hour later,
not two hours later

and definitely not three

who-the-bloody-hell-still-rings-up
bullshit hours later?

Now, was that smart enough for you?

(Sighs)

(Phone rings)

Welcome to Black On Track.
This is Jessie, how can I help you?

TRADITIONAL ITALIAN MUSIC

Joycie, Mary, I'm pleased to see
you can put your differences aside,

so we could talk today.

Now, the Welcome to Country
income stream

has been a lucrative venture
for the elders,

but with all this in-fighting,

we're gonna be running ourselves
out of business.

Sabotaging welcomes?
Waterlogging gum leaves?

This has to stop!

Well, Sid, thank you,
and I just wanna to say welcome

from the tops of trees...
Oi, Joyce, knock it off.

You know very well
you stole that line from me.

Oh, Mary, why would I want anything
of yours?

'Cause you're a sneaky bitch.
Mary!

If we're gonna get anywhere today,
there can be no name-calling.

Now, if you two can't agree on
what's a fair divide in events...

She wants the AFL Grand Final
and the Australian Open.

That's spring AND summer.
She wants it all.

What's left for me?

Mary, they all want me.

They want YOU
because YOU undercut ME.

This is all beside the point.
We can only do what's fair.

NAIDOC week is nearly here
and these events need elders.

What I and the uncles have decided

is that there's
two separate territories -

one for Aunty Joyce,
one for Aunty Mary...

..divided by a natural border...

..Punt Road.

She gets the sports precinct!

We live in Melbourne, Sid.
Did you forget that?

What and who the fuck
am I supposed to welcome

to the east side of Punt Road?

There's fuck-all there
and you know that.

Mary, the commission breeds
have ruled.

Oh, mate.

Nah. Good. You wait.

Fuck this, fuck that
and fuck the both of you.

Nephew, coat, car.

Oh, Joycie, you sneaky old gin.
This ain't over.

'Cause I warn you, I'm watching you.

(Chuckles)

ROCK'N'ROLL

Eyah, slut!
What, slut?

You enjoying our first date?

(Coughs)
Can't even take me somewhere flash.

Oh! Well, what's this, then, slut?

You lucky slut!

LATIN POP

So, what can I get you boys?

Big budhoo.

Troy! What is he doing here?

Obviously serving... big sausage.

Are you ready to order?

I'm ready to be a big slut!

This is supposed to be OUR date.

Sorry, baby.

I promise to focus on you
and not to be a big... slut.

See?! But it's Big Budhoo Troy!
German sausage.

Well, you better figure out if you
want German sausage

or the sweet, sweet taste
of this sun-kissed blackberry,

'cause I'm not putting up
with my man being a slut.

Unless he's a slut for me.
A big one.

A big dirty slut. (Shrieks)

Eyah, baby, come back!
I promise I won't do it again!

Please come back. (Sobs)

Ooh.

We've been called to this residence
by a family member.

It's not an uncommon occurrence,

family members worried about
the blackness of their loved ones.

So, let's go see
what she's got to say.

She says there's a family barbecue
out the back -

there's a lad
that's undercooking his meat.

Is that true? Youse mob go
and have a look for yourself -

all the evidence is spread out there
on the back table.

Nobody's eatin'.

Call for backup.

Delta 7, this is VK1.

Delta 7,
we need a Tactical Blakforce Team.

We've got an undercooker.

Ma'am, we're going in.

Blakforce, Blak-Blakforce.

It's so much better this way!

Don't you know
that charcoal's carcinogenic?!

It's still bleeding,
you sick (Bleep)!

It's called medium-rare!

Put the tongs down, mate.
What the (Bleep)? Who called them?

I did.
You're bloody trying to kill us!

Put the (Bleep) tongs down!

We put it to you, you've been
undercooking meat - namely chops.

Well, you know the rules -

if you can't eat it, you have
to be able to draw with it.

What's this?

It's roast pumpkin
and pine nut salad.

What?! Why?

I seen it on MasterChef.
Oh, that's it!

Look, I promise...

I promise this time I'll put 'em
back on the barbecue

and I'll burn 'em - I'll burn 'em!

Sarge, he doesn't even
have any bread here!

Oh! You're a piece of work, cuz.

You can answer all this down
at the station. Come on, let's go!

(Sighs)

Let's get 'em back on the barbie,
eh, aunt?

You gotta keep an eye out
for these fellas. Enjoy.

Blakforce, Blak-Blakforce

Ooh, whoa.

Oh, help, hey!
Oh, my God!

Someone's getting eaten by a shark.
(Girls screaming)

Well... now you know
how Aboriginal people feel.

(Girls screaming)

VOICE-OVER:
Are you looking for naked natives?

You want some big-budhoo black men?

We bring you Boys Gone Wild.

Wassup?

We've got everything - candid Kooris,
naughty Nyoongars and big budhoos.

Go on, baby,
massage my message stick.

Go on, ladies,
get a lap-lap in your lap lap.

Boys Gone Wild.

Sign up now
for a one-month free trial.

This boy's gone wild. I'm waiting.

(Woman moans erotically)

Better not be talking about me.

FRANK:
There's three ways to do things -

the right way, the wrong way
and the black way.

And black way is pretty much
the wrong way

but it's a bit more of a laugh.

When you're the best,
you can afford the best.

And in our business,
it's all about the leaves.

The gum leaves.

From the tops of the trees
to the bottom of the sea,

I welcome you to Country today
in recognition and honour

of the original owners,
of our elders, past and present...

Welcome, everybody.

Welcome to the Healing Place ramp.

I'd like to acknowledge
its lovely craftsmanship.

It's beautiful.

..and of their spirit
that runs through our hearts today,

welcome, welcome, welcome.

(Applause)

Hm. (Blows)

(Snores)

When I ask you do something,
I expect you to do it proper.

Remember, always was,
always will be, Aunty Mary's.

This was turf war.

Aunty Mary was not happy
and she was letting it be known.

Now make it happen.

(Shrieks)

Things were getting out of hand,
so Uncle Sid stepped in.

Your two old aunties
are out of control.

It's up to you two to bring 'em
into line. Understood?

Easy, bruz.

I just need to go jillawa.

From the tops of the trees
to the bottom of the seas,

I welcome you to country today
as we unite in heart and spirit

with celebration and recognition
of the original owners,

of our elders past and present

and of their spirit
that beats in our heart here today.

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

(All gasp)

See, it seems some smart-arse doused
Joycie's prized leaves in kerosene.

Bless her.

Ow!

TRADITIONAL ITALIAN MUSIC

(Whispers) She's dead.

(Laughs)

(Gasps and wheezes)

(Coughs and wheezes)

And upon hearing the news
of Aunty Joycie's demise,

Aunty Mary laughed so hard,
she sent herself into cardiac arrest,

bless her.

Dad?

Yes, son?

You know how we're called
'Aboriginals'

because we come from here?

Well, does that mean
white people are Aboriginals

from wherever they come from?

Yes. Yes, it does.

Wow. White Aboriginals.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Welcome to day three

of the Pan Aboriginal Nations
One Language Summit.

It's been a long and tiring road -
one we're still on -

but we are closer to having one
language that we can use and share

upon each other's country.

Aaaah!

I don't know why people
just can't learn my language

when they bin come MY country.

Well, what should happen
if you go upon their country?

True, eh?
I never bin think about that.

Louise? Minutes from yesterday.

We agreed on the national use
of 'deadly', 'mob', 'solid',

and that on the east coast,
the use of 'tiddas'

will only apply to Aboriginal women.

That is some bullshit.
I just want to state my hob-jection.

This isn't court.
Whatever, you're gammin.

That brings us to the next item
on today's agenda - 'gammin'.

Do we want to spell that
with an 'I' or with an 'O'?

Western Australia would like to see
how that looks first.

(All mutter in agreement)

Gammin with an 'I'.

With a 'hi'.

Gammon with an 'O'.

Gammon with a 'ho'.

Victoria likes 'O'.
Ah, 'ho' is gammin. You're gammin.

Ah, well, at least it's better
than being gamm-on.

Victoria and Queensland will
please refrain from name-calling.

Everyone in favour of 'I'.

ALL: Aye.

South Australia would like to know
if we're saying 'I' or 'hi'?

I said 'hi'.
Say 'I'.

Hi.
'I'.

Hi.
'I'!

Hi-hi-hi! Stop hi-balling me!

Order!

Stop looking at me
with your hi-balls. Order!

Hey, I'm sick of being
hordered around!

Ah, that brings us to the next item
on today's agenda - haitches.

Do we want to drop them?

I think should hadd 'em.

Add.
Hadd.

Add.
Hadd.

Add.
Hadd, hadd, hadd!

Had! That remind me, you never bin
hadd me on Facebook yet.

Horder! I mean, 'order'!

See? That's your blackness
comin' out.

Ah, forget it,
everyone in favour of 'hi' say...

..say 'aye'.

ALL: Aye.

Oh! That's deadly-la!

What do you mean 'la'?
You can't stop me from saying 'la'.

La-la-la-la-la!

La.

Queensland will refrain
from singing to the other states.

Queensland... I'm warning you.

Louise,
add 'la' to tomorrow's agenda,

where we will also be discussing

'ooh-ah', 'look out'
and 'wonga' versus 'womba'.

(All mutter in agreement)
Meeting adjourned.

There'll be drinks and snacks
in the foyer on your way out.

HAY-CT wanna know...
drink and snack for free, or what?

Yeah, of course.

Ho!
Oh!

Deadly.

FRANK:
You see, family always comes first.

But what keeps a family happy?

This here.

A dual funeral -
they would've hated that.

Deliver the eulogy, Frank.

Now the uncles watch the aunties,

the aunties
watch the nieces and nephews,

the nieces and nephews
watch the kids,

and they all watch me.

And just like that,
the Punt Road divide was no more.

Always was, always will be...

..Frank's land.

(Dramatic music)

(Siren blares, man speaks
indistinctly over two-way radio)

Sarge, I got something to tell you -
I got the call up.

You got it?
Yep.

I got accepted
to the Special Coconut Unit.

They want me to start ASAP.
Big case.

But it means I'm leavin'.

Good on you, bruz.
I'm happy for you.

Yeah, but I'm shitting myself,
though.

Oi, don't let them flash bastards
up at SCU intimidate ya.

You were born to crack coconuts.

You don't just crack coconuts
because it's your job -

you crack coconuts
because you love it.

You know, that's the deadliest thing
anyone has ever said to me.

I love you, brother.
Love you too, brother.

Now make us proud.

And show that mob up at SCU
how us Blakforce boys roll.

I will, brother. I will.

Let's roll.

(Engine starts)

(Siren wails)

Blakforce, Blak-Blakforce
Uh-huh.

Captions by CSI Australia

Why did you join SCU?

I wanted to make a difference.

To catch a coconut,
you gotta live like a coconut,

think like a coconut.

What's this? It's a cheese knife.
It only cuts cheese.

It's in the nature
of the coconut to fall,

and it's our job
to protect the people.

(Gasps)

We're like the helmet
of the community.

This is the next-level.

Let's go crack this coconut.