All language subtitles for Black.Comedy.S01E01_English

SAILOR'S JIG

(Explosion)

Theme music

Hey, what's the matter?
(Do you have a condom?)

(Sighs) No, I don't.
What?

Hey, look out.

Oh, Deadly Dave.

SWELLING ORCHESTRATION

The Lord hath spoken unto me

and he hath given me ten commandments
to give to his chosen people.

One - thou shalt have
no other gods before...

Thou shalt honour
thy mother and thy father.

Thou shalt not covet
thy neighbour's house,

nor his wife.
(Music distorts, trails off)

What is it, Hezekiah?

Um... Like, those laws are great
as far as commandments go... Yeah.

They're top notch, but we've got
a few of our own.

Suggestions. Can I read 'em out?

Go ahead.

Thou shalt not go to thy brother's
house on pay day to ask for a loan,

but if thou does, then thou must
pay back on thine own pay day.

(All murmur)
Yeah, you gotta pay it back, man.

Alright, but it's not written
in stone.

What else have you got?

If thou is shouted by his brother
at a tavern,

then thou must shout back
on the very next round.

Deadly.
(All murmur)

Well, that's more
of an unwritten law, isn't it?

It is, but it's a pretty big one
and we think it should be written.

Yeah, absolutely.
(All murmur)

I guess. Yes.
What else have you got?

Eatin' ain't cheatin'.

No, that's not going in.

You can look, but you can't touch.
No way.

Why buy the cow,
when you can get the milk free?

That's just a sayin'.
How many more do you have?

(Whispers)
120.

OK. I'm going to stop you there.

Don't be mad once you see
that he want it,

'cause if you liked it,
you shoulda put a ring on.

Shut up, Hezekiah.

Everything you own
in a box to the left.

I said shut up, Hezekiah!

You got me lookin'
so crazy right now.

Your love's got me lookin'
so crazy right now.

These laws are the word of God,
dickhead.

If I were a boy...
(Grumbles) ..even just for a day.

(Thunder rumbles)

So, Ginnie, I hear
your boy's gettin' married.

Surely is. To that Evans girl.

Oh, she seems nice.

She's a loose slut.

(Gasps) Oh, ah!

She's a real bossy bitch, that one.

My boy can't scratch his balls
without that moll saying somethin'.

Why, what happened?
Well...

The other day, I was getting
my boy to take me to bingo

and he was fine to do that.

Just as we're gettin' ready to go

that bitch decides she wants
to start having contractions.

What?!
Selfish, eh?

Just when I want
to spend time with my boy,

that bitch want to push out a kid.

That's terrible, what happened?

Well, she had that kid.
You think she was quick about it?

Ah, nah, 18 hours she was there,

squeezing and grunting
like a farm animal.

Not only did I miss bingo that night,
I missed it the next mornin'.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
Tsk, tsk.

Tsk, tsk.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Tsk.
Tsk, tsk.

Tsk, tsk. Tsk, tsk.
Tsk, tsk. Tsk, tsk.

Tsk, tsk, tsk...
Tsk, tsk, tsk...

Alright boys, we got
some pretty strong intel.

One of our suspects is at home
with his family.

We've been surveilling him
for a number of weeks now,

this is our best chance to get him.

Alright. What's he done?

Well, he's committed a range
of offences...

(Radio static)
..starting from.

Sorry, Sarge, VK1. Go ahead.
WOMAN OVER RADIO: ...one, two.

We're on.
Alright.

Everybody be safe.

(Siren wails)

Blakforce, Blak-blakforce.

(Reggae beat)
Ooh-uh-uh

Blakforce, blak-blakforce.

(Dog barks)

Clear.
Clear.

What the (Bleep) are you doing
in my house?! Aah!

Oh, shit!
Go, go!

I got him, I got him!

(Bleep!)

(Bleep!)
Great job, Trev.

Get the (Bleep) off me. (Bleep)

Ma'am. Go back inside.

What are you doing to me (Bleep)?

..pushing me? (Bleep) You (Bleep)...
Settle down, settle down!

What's all this about?
We've ain't done nothing wrong.

We're law-abiding peoples.
Calm down.

We've got reason to believe your
husband's guilty of not acting black.

What?! How?
He bought a Delta Goodrem album.

Is that true? Oh, (Bleep).

Was it her greatest hits? Was it?

It was the Child of the Universe,
wasn't it?

Wasn't it?

Do you want to give back, but get
a little something in return?

Do you like a bit of the mocha
divine, dark chocolate, brown snake?

Here's a way to be politically active
and find true love.

At Black Velvet we specialise
in native romantic philanthropy.

We match you with your perfect
Aborigine for fun and love.

Before joining Black Velvet,
I was looking for love.

I needed to be fulfilled,
if you know what I mean.

I'd always considered myself
a supporter of Aboriginal rights,

I just didn't know
any Aborigines to support.

Then I found an ad for Black Velvet
on the back of a toilet stall.

It's really changed my life.
You know, the matches were great.

I had some great dates,
got to try a little bush tucker,

had some native nuts in my mouth.

I got to suck on
a few long, thick witchetty grubs.

They were delicious.

And then I met Jandamarra.

We went and had a charge.
I met his family.

They even gave me
a tour of Mount Druitt

before I dropped them off
at the shops.

I'm getting all his mail now.

People are even coming over
to the house looking for him.

I can't wait their have
latte-coloured babies.

I just hope they don't get
their father's nose.

I really feel like I've done
my part for reconciliation.

Black Velvet - we don't
just want you to find love,

we want you to make a difference.

So, the black bitch likes the horses.

Dogs.
Dogs.

'Ere, slut.
What, slut?

You've been sleeping around
with my man.

Who your man? I got biggest mob.

Mark Johnson, fuck ya.

Oh, Mark, yeah. He be come
visit me last night.

Why? You been kissing him up?

You been tasting my hole?
Tastes sweet, eh?

My hole must taste sweeter,
'cause he with me. Pfft!

Pfft! Anywhere, your hole
is only good for the side, slut.

Your hole need that break in between
so your muya can tighten up.

Anyway, can't even clean.

(Gasps) Can't even dance.

Well, what's this then, slut?
Well, what's this then, slut?

What's this then, slut?
What's this then, slut?

What's this then, slut?
Well, what's this then, slut?

Well, what's this then, slut?
Well, what's this then, slut?

..slut?
..this then, slut?

What's this then, slut?
What's this then, slut?

What's this then, slut?
..this then, slut?

What's this then, slut?
What's this then, slut?

..this then, slut?
What's this then, slut?

What's this then, slut?
What's this then, slut?

This is our chance to get him.

Shh... (Bleep)
Get the (Bleep) off me.

What are you (Bleep) doing, man?

We've got reason to believe your
husband's guilty of not acting black.

Blakforce, Blak-blakforce.

You've got matching PJs. Why are you
wearing a white shirt underneath?

You've got slippers on.
They're from Hermes.

Where? Hermes?
What else has he done?

He's been ticking 'other'
nationality on all his forms.

He hasn't been dropping his 'H's
when he speaks for some time.

He's been buying organic groceries.

Oh! (Bleep).

And he hasn't had KFC in months.

Bullshit!

I bought KFC the other night.
Did you see him eat it?

Well, I put away the thigh
and the drumstick for him

and, yeah, I seen him eat it.

You saw him chew it.
He didn't swallow it.

Is that true? Is it?!

Alright.
(Sobs)

I chew it, but when you're not
looking, I spit it out.

What the (Bleep)
have you been eating?

Kale and eggs.

What the (Bleep) is kale?!

It's like cabbage. It's the latest
trendy food on the street.

What's going to happen to him?
We've got to pull his card.

Not my race card.
(Speaks indistinctly) ..position.

I'm going to lose my job.
What will we feed our kids?

You should have thought about
that before you bought a Prius.

A Prius?! Where the (Bleep) is
the Commodore?

I sold it, babe.
The Prius is better...

What?!
It's better for the environment.

Get 'im out, Trev.

(Yells hysterically)

My kids don't have a father!

You've got your family, aunties
and uncles and mum and dad.

(Bleep) tragedy.

EPIC MUSIC

Space, the final frontier.

Once again, the brave crew
of the starship Henterprise

find themselves in trouble
as they face a hostile alien race

who seek to assimilate them
into their collective.

This is Captain Black Rogers
of the starship Henterprise.

State your name and the reason
you have us in your tractor beam.

We are the Xenophobians.
You will become one with our race.

Opposition is ineffective.
Prepare to be assimilated.

Assimilated.
That sounds very familiar.

I believe it's a term
they used in 2000s, sir.

When people still didn't know shit.

You'll become part of our
consciousness and our culture

and be integrated
into our way of thinking.

Now, why would we want to do that?

What do you mean,
'Why would you want to do that?'

Well, I can't speak for everybody,
but I'm quite happy with myself.

Ain't no mofo changin' this little
black duck. No complaints here.

I too believe I am fine
in my current state, Captain.

This is irrelevant.
Our way is better.

That's very subjective,
don't you think?

I'm going to need
a better answer than that.

Fine, you've entered our space.
Excuse me?!

I think we were here first.

Mm-hm. That's right, child.

Why do you talk like that?
You're Aboriginal.

Shut ya mouth, fool.
If I may interject

and get back
to whose space this is,

historical records show

that the human species
have indeed inhabited

this particular area of space
for at least 40,000 years.

Well, surely that should give us
some space rights.

Maybe we should look up on
the United Charter of Rights.

We do not care about
your charter of rights.

Well, on that note, I'm sorry,

we're not into
this assimilated thing.

You do not have a say.

We are more than you
and you will learn our way.

Now prepare to be boarded.

OK, OK, OK, OK.
Keep your alien pants on.

I'll have to discuss this
with my crew.

I'm going to shut down
the comms for a minute.

(Beeping)
Suggestions.

I've learnt their frequency
of the tractor beam, captain.

If we can distract them
when we lower our shields

then we can go to warp.

What do you think, Butta.
I'll try my best, sir.

Alright, let's do this. When I
distract them, go straight to warp.

On my signal.
Comm systems back up.

Hello.

We hear you.

We're lowering our shields.

Finally. Prepare to be boarded.

Hey, look, space refugees!

What?
Now, Butta, now.

Good work, team.

That was very close.

That assimilated thing
sounded very disturbing.

Mm-hm.
I don't know.

They did have a nice big ship.

ALL: Shut up, Vanilla!

OK.

Tune in next week

as our brave crew seek to go blackly
where no other black has gone before.

Big ship.

I really love this new place.

It's so much bigger
than your old home.

It certainly is and we got it
for a bargain too.

Yeah, I mean the home is beautiful

but I just have to say

that smell that is coming from the
kitchen, it's got my mouth watering.

What's John preparing in there?

A traditional Sunday roast,
of course.

Mmm. And here it is now.

Dinner is served, my queen.

I've also got a dugong
in the backyard on a spit.

Lovely, isn't he?

Blakforce, Blak-blakforce.

So, we've just...

We've been following these guys
for a few blocks

and they haven't actually done
anything wrong yet,

but I've just got a hunch.

Yeah, light 'em up, Trev.

Roger that.
(Siren wails)

(Siren ceases)

Where are youse off to?

Oh, um, just the local footy.

Yeah, a day out.

What do you see, Trev?
Everyone's wearing their seatbelts.

No open bottles,
no drug paraphernalia.

They got the correct
child booster seat.

Car's in good condition,
door handles are working,

rear-vision mirror's working...

And they've got no coathanger
for an aerial. (Fuckin' hell)

Get out. Hey?
Get out now.

Are you sure?
Yeah. Get out now.

I'm very sure. What's going on?
Get over here.

We're gonna need you
to do a blackness test.

Mate, I'm black, I'm a blackfella.
My tribe is...

I'll stop you there.
I'll stop you right there.

That's all book learning.
Yeah?

There's plenty of five-percenters
that can look that stuff up.

OK. See this line?
Yeah. Dance it.

Dance it?
Trev.

(Dance mashup track)

Dance...

Ah, stop, stop.
Stop it, Trev. stop it.

Alright? Was it alright?

Was it alright? What do you reckon?

What the (Bleep) do you think?

It was OK. I thought it was OK.

No, it wasn't OK.
OK, it wasn't OK.

We got one more test for you.

What do I do with this?
Open it. Open it?

Can opener. Knife.
Choose.

Nah. (Bleep)

Mate! Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I-I-I'm a blackfella, man.

I'm a blackfella, I can prove it.

How can you prove it?
I'm going to the footy.

Yeah, you said that, yeah.

Well, just check the boot.

What's in there?
Brother, please...

Just open the boot and look, please.
I'll check it...

..'cause you called me 'brother'
instead of 'mate'.

OK, brother...
This is your last chance, bud.

If you're lying I'll slap
the black off you... Open it.

So, the black bitch
is drinking vodka.

Gin.
Gin.

(Slurps)

Aah, my back.

Aaah.

See how they go?

I've been slaving my guts out here
ten years

and not once have I seen that white
sanitary-bin collector come on time.

I bet she gets
good money but, eh?

I don't know why she's always late.

And them rich crackholes
across the road, too, make me sick

with their newly renovated houses,
but in debt.

We're going into a recession,
but you can't tell these cracks that.

But then they want to cry after
when they can't make repayments.

Well, pay it! Or someone
will be hocking their box

and it won't be her, it'll be him.

That sour bitch couldn't even
give it away. No-one wants her.

Where's this old girl?

She only gotta empty
one stinkin' bin.

You know she won't let them
girls use that toilet?

She barricades it up
like a stinkin' crime scene.

Don't know where she gets that tape.
I'm going to ask her about that.

And these girls are bustin'
in their pants to go.

Oooh, wild gins, they are.

Howdy, Mavis.

Eh! How you going? You early today.
You got your tape?

Yep.

Ya big gee-whizz.

Black Velvet has just opened up
a whole realm of possibilities.

I'm a giver, not a taker.

I'm a really funny guy.

Like, really nice, just really nice.

I've had some bad experiences.

You know, women always act
like they're God's gift.

Black Velvet's been great.
I just love black moot.

Those Aborigine women
really appreciate

what it is that I have to offer.

Oh, Shaneer and I have
great chemistry.

I knew from the moment I first met
her that she was the one for me.

I mean, what can I say?
My dreams came true.

I went on a date with a black girl

and the next day,
I had a whole family.

I mean, 12 people sleeping
on the living-room floor.

Now, that's reconciliation.

Black Velvet. Be a part of
reconciliation and closing the gap,

by opening a few more.

Oh, did you see that graffiti piece

up on the gunji station
car-park wall?

How sick is it? Fully sick, brah.
Good is it, you reckon?

Yeah, the lad had ill-skays,
brah. Skills.

I tell you what, if gunjis get 'im,
he's doing jail time, brah.

He's doing jail time for sure.

Not like when we was owning these
streets back in the day.

But that piece was fully ick-say.

Yeah, Shayes, that was me, brah.
That was me.

Ah, wha'! Call the cops!

Ssh. Not too loud. Eyes and ears,
brah. Eyes and ears everywhere.

What was you doing there at midnight?

Coppers reckon
they've got it on CCCTV,

they reckon it was graffitied up
at midnight, brah, midnight.

I was spraying the shit. Whaddaya
think I was doing there at midnight?

But they still got nothing on me.
I'm not scared of them dogs!

what about jail time, brah?
Jail time.

Hey, they gotta catch me first.
I can still outrun them.

I'm faster than Cathy Freeman
and Usain Bolt. Eh, yeah.

Probably related to me anyways.
I'm not scared of no copper dogs.

I'll tell 'em, 'go on, run at me.'

Hello, Clancy.

Did you enjoy midnight basketball
last night?

Yeah, good game.
Yeah, you got a good team.

Thanks, chief.
You play alright for an old bloke.

Yeah, you played well yourself,
for a copper.

Still living with your mum and dad?
Yes, I am.

Well, you tell them I said hi,
won't you, Clancy.

Will do, will do.

Clancy, call da cops.
Shut up, Frances.

Mmm.

When?

So, the black bitch
is talking to friends...

(Family)
Family.

Shut up, true?!

(Low-level background chatter)

L-Lillian?
Hi, yeah, I'm Lillian.

Hi. Russell.
Yeah, hi.

Nice to meet you.
Thanks for meeting up.

Yeah, thank you for inviting me.
This place is great.

Oh, yeah. No, it's funny.
It's fun, yeah.

Yeah, it's fine. It's really grand.

Yeah, um, so thanks for meeting...
It's my first internet date.

Oh, so I'm your first?
Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I won't be
too hard on you.

OK, thanks.
Here's a menu.

Thank you. Yeah. Cheers.
And one for you.

Thanks. I'll be right back.
Thanks a lot, ta.

Should we order a drink?
Yes, most definitely.

Alright, good.
OK, cool.

It's a bit dark in here, isn't it?

Excuse me?

It's a bit dark in here.

How dare you!

It's because I'm black, isn't it?

What? No.
'A bit dark in here.'

Think I don't know what it is
that you're implying?

I'm just saying, you know, with the
lighting it's hard to read the menu.

So, what you're saying is light
is better than dark?

I'm just saying, it'd be nice
to see what I'm eating.

See? You can't see shit
because your white supremacist eyes

are blinded to the truth.

I'm an avid supporter of...
Of what?

Of oppressing my people?

What do you want to do,
turn back the clock

and have us all be maids
and servants again?

Just so you don't have to get off
your arse and turn on a light

so you can see what you're about
to eat on your plate

and you're just going
to shit it out anyways.

I'm... I'm sorry, I just...

Oh... You're sorry now?

Well, guess what. Your 'sorry'
is 235 years too late

because the damage is already done!

My people are at the bottom
of the socioeconomic ladder,

my people are 20%
of the jail population

and my people's life expectancy
is 20 years shorter than yours.

So if you want to show me
that you're sorry,

you can start towards
rectifying that shit.

Yeah, I want to rec... Tell me
what to do. What can I do?

Well, you can start
by paying for my meal.

That's some reconciliation shit
right there.

Yeah, of course, sure.

And remember, brother,
you're in Aboriginal land.

Yeah, yeah, wait a minute.
Check the boot.

What's in there?

And they're in there because...?

I didn't want to pay...
ALL: Pay the entrance fee.

Bud, you were this close.
Ah, far out. Thank you.

Go on, Trev. Alright.
Thanks, eh, uncles.

Why didn't you start
with that sort of talk?

I don't know. Go and get
in there before half-time.

See you, then.
Alright.

He's going to be alright,
that young brother.

Yeah, they'll get there before
half-time. They'll be right.

That's not really what I meant,
but... alright, let's go.

Thanks, guys.

Blakforce, Blak-blakforce

Ooh-uh-uh

Blakforce, Blak-blakforce.

This nothing wrong
with quinoa salad.

There's nothing wrong with tapas.
I like tapas bars.

Watch your head.

Come on, now.

REPORTER: How did you go
tonight, officer?

Yeah, look, it's not pretty work,
but it's important.

You know, culture's not something
you mess around with.

That's why we're out there.
That's why we do the job.

We're reinforcing what is
and isn't black. We're Blakforce.

Blakforce, Blak-blakforce

Oo-uh-uh

Blakforce, Blak-blakforce

Uh-huh.