All language subtitles for Adventures.of.Serial.Buddies.2011.WEBRip.x264-ION10

- THE LAWN MOWER REALLY HELPS.

[kazoo music]

*

* I GO TO WORK

* ALTHOUGH I HATE MY JOB

* BUT HATING YOUR JOB

* IS BETTER THAN NO JOB
AT ALL *

* I WANT AN iPOD

* 'CAUSE I THINK THEY'RE COOL

* BUT I CAN'T AFFORD IT

* I CAN'T AFFORD THINGS
THAT ARE COOL *

*

* I WANNA WORK TOWARD

* A BETTER ME

* BUT CHANGE
TAKES TOO MUCH ENERGY *

* SO WHY TRY?

* IT'S TOO HARD TO TRY

* SO WHY TRY?

* WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE

*

* I GOT TWO FRIENDS

* AND THEY'RE KINDA BORING

* BUT I'M KINDA BORING

* I GUESS THAT'S WHY
I HAVE BORING FRIENDS *

* I WANNA BE FUNNY

* LIKE THOSE GUYS ON TV

* WHEN I PULL DOWN
MY PANTS *

* MY MOM DOESN'T LAUGH

* AT MY JOKES

* I WANNA WORK TOWARD
A BETTER ME *

* BUT CHANGE
TAKES TOO MUCH ENERGY *

* SO WHY TRY?

* IT'S TOO HARD TO TRY

* WHY TRY?

* WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE

*

* GIRLS ARE REAL CUTE

* BUT I CAN'T TALK TO GIRLS

* I GET REALLY SCARED

* THE PRIEST
EVEN TOLD ME *

* I'M GAY

*

- WELL...
THIS IS AWKWARD.

- NOT AN EVERY DAY OCCURRENCE.

THAT'S FOR SURE.

- I SUPPOSE INTRODUCTIONS
ARE IN ORDER.

GREGORY.

- GARY.

male narrator: AND SO BEGAN
THE WARM STORY

OF HOW TWO SERIAL KILLERS
BECAME BUDDIES.

SERIAL BUDDIES.

GREGORY VON GEARHART
WAS A RELIGIOUS MAN.

HE EVEN CALLED
THE CHURCH HOME...

BECAUSE IT WAS.

HE WAS A LIVE-IN MAID.

IT WAS SPRING BREAK

AND GREGORY COULDN'T WAIT
TO GET HIS WORK DONE.

FATHER CHRISTOPHER
WAS ALSO EXCITED...

- [laughs]

narrator: BECAUSE IT MEANT
A WHOLE WEEK WITHOUT GREGORY.

- GOOD MORNING, FATHER.

MAY I PRESENT YOU WITH
MY FAREWELL EASTER BASKET?

- WOW, SUPER.

JUST PUT IT
WITH THE OTHERS YOU MADE.

narrator: MEANWHILE,
GARY "BIG MAC" MACARELLI

WAS ALSO GOING TO WORK.

HE WAS PUNCTUAL, STYLISH,

AND AS ONE OF THE COUNTRY'S
ELITE TROPHY MAKERS,

HE WAS PROUD
TO WEAR THE COLORS.

GARY WAS ALSO
EAGER TO FINISH WORK...

[metal dings]

AND HEAD OUT ON A SPRING BREAK
OF HIS OWN.

- HEY, CHIEF.

- [snores]

- MARIA.

- NO, NO.
IT'S STILL A COLLEGE RING.

YEP.

OKAY.

- RING, RING.

I'LL GET IT.

HELLO?
GREGORY SPEAKING.

OH, HI, JESUS,
HOW ARE YOU?

YOU LIKE MY EASTER BASKETS?

YOU WANT ME TO MAKE MORE?

I'LL BE SURE
TO LET THEM KNOW.

OH, AND GOOD LUCK
WITH THE ASCENSION.

ALL RIGHT, BYE-BYE NOW.

- CHIEF, I BLEW THE MOTHBALLS
OFF THE OLD SPRING BREAK JUMPER.

HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?

- FATHER, I KNOW YOU
AND THE OTHER PARISHIONERS

DESPERATELY WANT ME TO STAY,

BUT I'M AFRAID
I'M UNDER STRICT ORDERS

TO BEGIN MY PILGRIMAGE.

- THE CHURCH DOESN'T
SEND PEOPLE ON PILGRIMAGES.

IS THAT MY STOLE?

- JUST IN TIME.

GARY, THIS IS MY NEPHEW.

HE WANTS TO BREAK INTO
THE TROPHY BUSINESS.

- MY DAD FINALLY SIGNED
MY PERMISSION SLIP.

- FATHER, YOU KNOW
I FULLY RESPECT THE CHURCH.

WHY, AS AN ALTAR BOY,
I WAS PRACTICALLY RAISED

BY THE WANDERING,
LOVING HANDS OF PRIESTS.

BUT I'M AFRAID...
[groans]

I DON'T WORK
FOR THE CHURCH.

I WORK FOR GOD.

- I'M HOPING
YOU'LL BE MY MENTOR.

GRAMPS SAYS
YOU'RE THE BEST EVER.

KRAVELLO WAS THE BEST EVER.

- ONE AND TWO,
AND ONE AND TWO, AND TURN.

narrator: AND THAT'S
WHEN FATE STEPPED IN

IN THE FORM
OF A NEWS REPORT.

- I'M EMILY FRANCES.

CONTROVERSY IS BREWING

AT LACONIA'S ANNUAL
SPRINGLE BELL TOY RUN

FOR UNDERPRIVILEGED YOUTH.

IN ATTENDANCE
AT NEXT WEEK'S EVENT

WILL BE INFAMOUS
MOTORCYCLE OUTLAW

RALPH "BIG CHICKEN" MORELLI.

RECENTLY PAROLED,
BIG CHICKEN LED

THE CHELSEA WHITE DEVILS
IN THEIR HEYDAY

WHEN THE GANG, OR "CLUB,"
RIVALED THE HELL'S ANGELS.

THE WHITE DEVILS ARE EXPECTED
TO HAVE GATHERED THE MOST TOYS,

WITH BIG CHICKEN RECEIVING
THE EVENT'S TOP TROPHY.

narrator:
CLEARLY, THE BUDDIES

HAD DIFFERENT REASONS
FOR KILLING.

ONE THING WAS FOR SURE:

THEY BOTH WERE DETERMINED
TO GET BIG CHICKEN.

SPRING BREAK
HAD OFFICIALLY BEGUN.

ALONG THE WAY,

GREGORY CAME UPON
A HAUNTED HOUSE OF ALL THINGS.

[menacing laughter]

TO GREGORY,
HAUNTED HOUSES

WERE JUST
THE DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND,

AND SOMEONE
WOULD HAVE TO PAY.

MEANWHILE,
GARY CAME UPON A VEHICLE

OWNED BY
A MULTI-SPORT ATHLETE.

[drum beating]

[bell jingles]

- [grunting, choking]

- [wheezes]

narrator: AND THIS
BRINGS US BACK TO THE WOODS,

WHERE OUR NEWLY ACQUAINTED
SERIAL BUDDIES

WERE BURYING
THEIR RESPECTIVE KILLS.

both: I WAS JUST--

YOU GO FIRST.

- JUST A LITTLE ME TIME
AFTER THE LENTEN MADNESS.

- I'M ON SPRING BREAK
FROM WORK TOO.

HEADED UP TO LACONIA...
FOR TOY RUN.

- WELL, THIS JUST
GETS CRAZIER AND CRAZIER.

I'M HEADED TO THE SPRINGLE BELL
TOY RUN AS WELL.

- WELL, I GUESS
I'LL JUST DIG MY HOLE THEN.

- OH, DON'T BE SILLY.

THERE'S--THERE'S
PLENTY OF ROOM FOR TWO.

- SIR, YOU FORGOT
YOUR WALLET.

[shrieks]

I'M SORRY I FOLLOWED YOU.

- YOU'RE GONNA PAY
FOR THIS, ROOKIE!

- I WON'T SAY ANYTHING!
I SWEAR!

[thud]

- BACK OFF, CIVILIAN.
THIS DOESN'T CONCERN YOU.

- MY GOODNESS,
YOU'RE NOT GOING

TO KILL THE POOR LAD,
ARE YOU?

- BACK OFF I SAID!

SO YOU WANT ME
TO BE YOUR MENTOR?

YOU WANNA BE MY INTERN?

YOU DO EVERYTHING I SAY
FROM THIS MOMENT FORWARD.

PICK UP THAT SHOVEL.

NOW MARCH!

HE WON'T SAY A WORD.

THAT IS, IF HE WANTS ME
TO BE HIS MENTOR.

- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- YOU WOULDN'T.

THE INTERN-MENTOR
RELATIONSHIP

IS A SACRED BOND TO WE
OLD SCHOOL TROPHY MAKERS,

FORGED CENTURIES
BEFORE YOU WERE EVEN BORN.

- OH.
[chuckles]

CASTOREUM.

IT KEEPS ANIMALS
FROM DIGGING UP THE REMAINS.

WHOOP.

BEAVERS SECRETE IT
FROM THEIR CASTOR GLANDS

TO REPEL PREDATORS.

IT'S A WONDERFUL
FERTILIZER TOO, HOWEVER.

WHICH KEEPS
THE WHOLE PROCESS GREEN.

[chuckles]

- ARE YOU ONE OF THEM SCIENTIFIC
GENIUSES OR SOMETHING?

- WELL, IF YOU CONSIDER
BEING A SUMMA CUM LAUDE

FROM HARVARD UNIVERSITY
A GENIUS, THEN PERHAPS I AM.

BUT A SCIENTIST?
A DARWINIAN?

HEAVENS NO.
I AM A MAN OF GOD.

- OH.

- NOW I'M SORRY,
BUT IN ALL THIS CONFUSION,

I DIDN'T CATCH YOUR NAME.

- OH--
- THAT'S 'CAUSE HE ONLY SPEAKS

WHEN SPOKEN TO.

- WELL, I JUST SPOKE TO HIM.

- I DON'T NEED THAT ON ME.

I DON'T NEED THAT ON ME!

QUIT IT!

THAT'S IT, I'M OUT OF HERE.

I GOTTA GET
TO THE SPRINGLE BELL TOY RUN

AND TAKE OUT BIG CHICKEN.

- WAIT, GARY, HOLD UP.

DID I JUST HEAR YOU SAY
"BIG CHICKEN"?

AS IN BIG CHICKEN, EVIL OUTLAW
JUST RELEASED FROM PRISON?

- AS IN BIG CHICKEN,

PREDICTED TO WIN
THE SPRINGLE BELL TOY RUN.

- OH, GARY.

WE SHOULD WORK TOGETHER.

WE--WE DO THE SAME WORK.

WE HAVE THE SAME
SPRING BREAK.

AND WE'RE BOTH
OFF TO LACONIA

TO TAKE OUT BIG CHICKEN.

AND WE'VE BEEN GIVEN
AN INTERN.

OH.

- ME SPEND MY SPRING BREAK
WITH A ROOKIE?

YEAH, RIGHT.

LISTEN, OUT OF RESPECT
TO MR. PRELL,

YOUR GRANDFATHER
AND MY BOSS,

I'M GIVING YOU A RIDE
TO THE TRAIN STATION...

AND YOU'RE GOING WITH HIM.

- OH, BUT WE COULD HELP.

- I DON'T NEED HELP.

I WORK ALONE.

- PERMISSION
TO SPEAK FREELY, SIR?

BACK IN THE DAY, ALL
GRANDPA PRELL EVER TALKED ABOUT

WAS THE MADCAP ADVENTURES
OF GARY "MAC" MACARELLI

AND KENNY "FRY" KRAVELLO.

- DUMB NAMES THE PRESS GAVE
MY OLD PARTNER KRAVELLO AND ME.

GRAMPS USED TO GO ON AND ON
ABOUT ALL THE RECORDS

YOU GUYS SET
FOR ASSEMBLY TIMES.

- NOT TO MENTION
ALL THE GROUPIES

AND PARTIES BACK THEN.

OOH.

WHAT'S YOUR POINT, ROOKIE?

- I'VE WAITED MY WHOLE LIFE
TO LEARN THE TROPHY BUSINESS,

AND NOW
THAT KRAVELLO'S GONE

AND GRANDPA PRELL'S MORE OR LESS
LOST IT, I JUST WANNA--

- MR. PRELL
IS AS RAZOR SHARP AS EVER.

- [snores]

- DON'T YOU EVER
DISRESPECT HIM.

GOT IT?

- SIEG.
all: HEIL.

- SKINHEADS.

- SIEG.
all: HEIL.

- AS IF THE GOOD LORD
HAND-DELIVERED THEM.

MY DOCTOR'S BAG, STAT!

GARY, OUR FATHER
IN HEAVEN BECKONS ALREADY.

WE HAVE SKINHEADS UPON US.

RACIST EVILDOERS
WHO MUST BE ELIMINATED.

- YOU GO TO IT, BLONDIE.

BUT JUST REMEMBER, ACCORDING
TO THE CALCULATOR WATCH...

[watch beeps]

THIS SLED LEAVES IN FIVE.

GOT IT?

- FINE.

narrator:
UNBEKNOWNST TO GREGORY,

THESE SKINHEADS
WERE FAR MORE DANGEROUS

THAN ORDINARY SKINHEADS.

THEY WERE THE SKINHEADS
FOR BETTER TELEVISION.

- WE NEED MORE
WHITE PEOPLE SHOWS

LIKE FRIENDS, FULL HOUSE,
AND THE HILLS.

all: THE HILLS.

- TODAY,
WE DECLARE SKIN-HAD,

BEGINNING WITH THIS LOCAL
JEWISH INTERNET FILM CRITIC.

- INTERNET FILM CRITIC?
[gasps]

EVERYONE SHOULD BE ABLE
TO SEE ME.

GENTLEMEN, GOOD DAY.

MY NAME IS GREGORY

AND I'M CURRENTLY
ON A PILGRIMAGE

GRANTING DOOMED SOULS,
SUCH AS YOURS,

SAFE PASSAGE TO HEAVEN
VIA LETHAL POISON,

WHICH I MIX WITH A TASTY,
REFRESHING BOXED FRUIT DRINK

TO CALCIFY YOUR NERVES.

- BOYS, I THINK WHAT
WE HAVE HERE IS AN F.P.

- AN F.P.?

WELL, I'M NOT FAMILIAR
WITH THAT TERM.

- "FREE PLAY."

THAT'S WHEN YOU GET TO BEAT
THE PISS OUT OF SOMEBODY

WITHOUT HAVING TO ANSWER
FOR IT.

- OOH.

OH...

- [grunts]

- NOT THE FACE!
JUST NOT THE FACE!

YOU CAN'T BUY
THIS BONE STRUCTURE.

- DID YOU KNOW THE ROTARY

DOES A SKINHEAD OF THE YEAR
AWARD NOW?

- PROBABLY JUST GIVE OUT
SOME CHEAP RIBBON OR SOMETHING.

- ACTUALLY, THE--THE WINNER
GETS A SILVER TROPHY

WITH A GIANT FIGURINE HITLER
ON TOP.

NEXT YEAR, THEY'RE EXPANDING
TO INCLUDE SUPERLATIVES.

YOU KNOW, BEST-DRESSED SKINHEAD,
MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED,

BIGGEST FLIRT.

- [pained groans]

[triumphant German music]

*

- [grunts]

[growls]

[yells]

- [gurgles]

- [roars]

[panting]

NO TIME TO BURY THE BODIES.
GOT A TRAIN TO CATCH.

[shouts]

[radio trilling]

- GARY, YOUR STRENGTH.

IT WAS LIKE...
SAMSON.

narrator: SEEING GARY
ANNIHILATE THE SKINHEADS

BROUGHT A POSITIVE VIBE
TO THE BUDDIES.

IT ALSO MADE GREGORY
MISTAKENLY BELIEVE

THAT THE TWO WERE KILLING
FOR THE SAME REASON.

- GARY, IT WAS NO ACCIDENT
THAT WE MET,

AND IT WAS NO ACCIDENT
THAT YOU STOPPED THE CAR

BACK THERE OF ALL PLACES.

AND WERE IT NOT FOR
MY CLEVERLY PLAYING POSSUM,

WELL, THEN YOU WOULD NOT
HAVE BEEN ABLE

TO TAKE THEM BY SURPRISE.

DON'T YOU SEE
WHAT ALL THIS ADDS UP TO?

WE SHOULD JOIN FORCES.

- I WORK ALONE.

- HAVE YOU NOT LISTENED
TO ANYTHING THAT I'VE SAID?

DON'T YOU SEE IT'S GOD'S WILL
FOR US TO WORK TOGETHER?

- GONNA MISS YOUR TRAIN.

- SO THAT'S HOW YOU'D LIKE
TO PLAY IT, IS IT?

GARY...

I COULD, OF COURSE,
USE MY STANDING IN THE CHURCH

TO BAN YOU FROM
RECEIVING HOLY COMMUNION.

- HUH?
- THAT'S RIGHT.

BANNED, ALONG WITH DIVORCEES
AND WOMEN WHO HAVE OPINIONS.

- OOH.

- I COULD THEN APPEAL
TO ANOTHER FORM OF "AUTHORITAY"

AND TELL THEM...

EVERYTHING.

AND I THINK YOU KNOW
EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN.

- YOU'D WRITE AN OFFICIAL LETTER
OF COMPLAINT TO MR. TROPHY?

- INDEED, I WOULD.
TO A MR. PRELL, WAS IT?

- YOU'D GO THAT FAR?

- I COULD GO THAT FAR,
BUT I WON'T.

CONSIDER THAT
AS YOU CAST ME OFF,

SOMEONE PROVEN
TO HELP YOU GET BIG CHICKEN.

- [annoying whimpering]
MENTOR.

I MAY HAVE A LOT TO LEARN
ABOUT THE TROPHY BUSINESS,

BUT I KNOW I CAN HELP.

- THERE'S NO NEED, GRAHAM.

HE WORKS ALONE.

- WAIT!

GET IN.

WE AIN'T GOT ALL DAY.

narrator: IT WAS SETTLED.

THE BUDDIES
WOULD JOIN FORCES,

WITH GREGORY BELIEVING
THEY WERE KILLING FOR GOD

AND GARY THINKING
THEY WERE KILLING

POTENTIAL TROPHY WINNERS.

BUT IT DIDN'T MATTER...
YET.

FOR NOW, THEY HAD
MORE PRESSING MATTERS.

- [through speaker]
WARDROBE CHANGE.

YOU GUYS ARE GONNA LOVE
MY NEXT OUTFIT.

BY THE WAY, GARY,
LOVE THE JUMPSUIT.

SO FASHION FORWARD.

YOU KNOW THE THING
ABOUT MODELING--

[microphone clicks off]

- IN THE CAR NOW!

AROUND THE OTHER SIDE.

THAT VAN'S
FULL OF ACHIEVERS.

WE GOTTA TAKE 'EM OUT.

- BUT GARY, THEY'RE
JUST FRATERNITY STUDENTS.

- STUDENTS WITH A LIFETIME

FULL OF ACHIEVEMENTS
AND CONQUESTS AHEAD OF 'EM.

FINE,
I'LL TAKE 'EM OUT MYSELF.

- BUT MENTOR,
THERE ARE FIVE OF THEM

AND ONLY ONE OF YOU.

- ROOKIE, IT AIN'T
HOW HARD YOU GET HIT.

IT'S HOW HARD YOU CAN GET HIT
AND KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

narrator:
A LINE FROM ROCKY BALBOA,

A FAVORITE MOVIE
AMONGST TROPHY MAKERS.

- SIX 20-YEAR-OLDS.

40 YEARS OF COMPETITION.

2.3 AWARDS PER YEAR.

narrator: AND THAT'S
PROBABLY WHERE COMPARISONS

TO GARY
AND ROCKY BALBOA END.

- [grunts]

- I MUST ADMIT,
I DON'T FULLY UNDERSTAND

THE WAY OF THE TROPHY MAKER
JUST YET,

BUT WHAT HE'S ATTEMPTING,
IT'S MURDER.

- IF IT MAKES YOU
FEEL ANY BETTER,

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT
YET EITHER.

I SAY LET THOSE JOCKS
GO TO THAT SORORITY

WITH THEIR
LAME DATE RAPE DRUG

SO WE CAN GET BACK
ON COURSE.

- SORORITY?
DATE RAPE DRUG?

- YEAH, I HEARD 'EM
TALK ABOUT IT ON PEE BREAK.

- [roars]

- I'M COMING, GARY.

- MENTOR!

- I THINK HE MIGHT BE DEAD.

- SELF DEFENSE, BRO.

RIGHT? RIGHT?

- GENTLEMEN, RELAX.

I HAVE A MEDICAL BACKGROUND.

GRAHAM, REFRESHING
BOXED FRUIT DRINK, PLEASE.

30ccs OF MEYER LEMON PRUNE.

NO, WAIT,
APPLE WALNUT BERRY.

ITS CLOTTING EFFECTS
ARE STRONGER.

MM-HMM.
OH, WOW.

OH, IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE
I'VE SEEN A CASE LIKE THIS.

GENTLEMEN, I'M AFRAID
I'M GOING TO NEED ACCESS

TO YOUR TEAM'S MEDICAL KIT.

I NEED AN ICE PACK AND A ROLL
OF STRETCHABLE GAUZE.

SOMEBODY, PLEASE?

LEAVE ME.

OH, WHY THANK YOU.
[slurps]

AND THAT SHOULD DO IT.

TAKE THAT, PLEASE.

- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT.

ARE WE DONE HERE?

CAN WE LEAVE?
- UH, YES.

OH, WAIT.

DEAR LORD,
PLEASE FORGIVE THESE BOYS

FOR THE SINS
THAT THEY WISH TO COMMIT.

AMEN.

NOW WE'RE DONE.

OKAY, GRAHAM, COME ON.

[strained grunts]

[plays kazoo]

I STUDIED AT
THE KAZOO CONSERVATORY...

[plays kazoo]

AND ATTENDED
KAZOO CAMP EACH SUMMER,

UNTIL ONE OF
THE CAMP COUNSELORS

FONDLED MY KAZOO.

OH.

- YOU--YOU THINK WE SHOULD
USE THAT ICE PACK FOR MENTOR?

- OH, NO, NO.

HE'LL BE FINE.

- I DON'T KNOW
IF MENTOR WANTS US

TO MESS AROUND
WITH HIS EQUIPMENT.

- OH, NO, NO.

THE, UH, STEREO VIBRATIONS
AND SO FORTH

WILL HELP ACTIVATE
THE NEURONS IN HIS BRAIN.

- WOW, YOU SOME
KIND OF DOCTOR TOO?

- WELL, MY GRANDFATHER,
FATHER, AND BROTHER ARE,

AND THOUGH I COULD DISSECT
A FROG LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS,

IT REALLY WASN'T FOR ME.

WEE BIT OF THE BLACK SHEEP,
I'M AFRAID.

- I KNOW THE FEELING.

ALL MY BROTHERS
ARE AMAZING ATHLETES.

BUT MR. TROPHY CONSTRUCTED
382 OF THEIR TROPHIES.

I WAS ALWAYS MORE INTO
THE TROPHIES THEY WON

THAN THE SPORTS
THEY PLAYED.

- NOT THAT CLOSE,
I TAKE IT?

narrator: NOT CLOSE AT ALL.

HE MAY NOT
LOOK LIKE IT NOW,

BUT GRAHAM'S STEP BROTHER,
GOLDEN GRAHAM,

WAS A BIG-TIME
TROPHY WINNER.

THESE DAYS, HE WAS MUCH MORE
CONTENT TALKING ABOUT THE PAST.

- HEY, STAVROS, YOUR KIDS
GOING AWAY FOR SPRING BREAK?

YOU KNOW, PANAMA CITY,
CANCUN?

BACK IN THE DAY, ME AND MY BOYS
USED TO ROCK FORT LAUDERDALE.

- [speaks Greek]
BABY GORILLA.

- FIX THE LAWN MOWER,
YOU LOUSY GREEK.

- AH.
- AH. AH.

- HI, STAVROS.

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- TO START MY NEW JOB.

- YOU GOT A JOB,
BEING MENTALLY DISABLED

SO THE GOVERNMENT SENDS POP
A CHECK ONCE A MONTH.

YOU KNOW, BEING BORN STUPID
PAYS VERY WELL.

- [sighs]

- AH. YEAH.
LIKE A LITTLE BROAD. AH.

GET OUT OF HERE.

YOU LOOK GREAT THOUGH.

BEAUTIFUL OUTFIT.
IT MATCHES.

[chuckles]
JERKOFF.

narrator: GRAHAM HAD NO CHOICE
BUT TO RUN AWAY FROM HOME.

IN MANY WAYS,
HIS LAST CHANCE AT HAPPINESS

WAS AT MR. TROPHY
WITH GARY.

- FINALLY, HE WAKES.

- SHOW HIM
THE BEANSTALK CHART.

- OH, YES.

JUST A FUN WAY
TO CHART OUR PROGRESS.

WE COLOR IN A PIECE OF THE STALK
AFTER EVERY TEN KILLS,

MAKING SURE TO COLOR
THE ENTIRE STALK

BEFORE WE GET
TO BIG CHICKEN.

- HUH?

THE JOCKS
FROM THE FRATERNITY.

- YES, YOU'LL NOTICE
THEY'RE QUITE DEAD.

I INSERTED A LETHAL MIX
OF ALCOHOL AND IODINE

INTO THE AIR VENTS.

GARY, HAD YOU
SPECIFIED TO ME

WHAT YOU MEANT BY
"THEIR CONQUESTS,"

YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE
BEEN HURT.

- [sniffs]

IS THAT FOOD I SMELL?

- IT CERTAINLY IS.

narrator: THE SEEDS
OF FRIENDSHIP

HAD AT LAST SPROUTED.

- AND, UH...

ONE REFRESHING
BOXED FRUIT DRINK, PLEASE.

narrator: INDEED,
SPRING BREAK WAS ABOUT TO GO

TO A WHOLE NEW LEVEL.

- ROOK, CRANK THE TUNES.

I NEED TO GET THESE,
UH, NEURONS ACTIVATED.

DOCTOR'S ORDERS.

[Black Lips' Bad Kids plays]

*

- * BAD KIDS

* ALL MY FRIENDS
ARE BAD KIDS *

* PRODUCT OF NO DAD KIDS

* KIDS LIKE YOU AND ME

* BAD KIDS

* AIN'T NO COLLEGE GRAD KIDS

* LIVIN' OUT
ON THE SKIDS *

* KIDS LIKE YOU AND ME

- * IN CLASS
- * WE ARE A MINORITY

- TROPHY MAKING'S
ALL ABOUT SPEED, ROOK.

DON'T GET CAUGHT
NAPPING ON THE JOB.

- * AND STEAL
- * FROM ALL YOUR MOTHERS

- * THEY'LL TRY
- * TO GIVE US PILLS

- * OH WAIT
- * GIVE US ALL THE PILLS

- * GO CRY
- * MOM, I GOTTA GO TO COURT

- * DAD WON'T
- * PAY HIS CHILD SUPPORT

* WELL, YOU GOTTA
UNDERSTAND *

* WE ONLY DO THESE THINGS
BECAUSE ALL WE ARE IS *

* BAD KIDS

* ALL MY FRIENDS
ARE BAD KIDS *

* PRODUCT OF NO DAD KIDS

* KIDS LIKE YOU AND ME

* BAD KIDS

* AIN'T NO COLLEGE GRAD KIDS

* LIVIN' OUT
ON THE SKIDS *

* KIDS LIKE YOU AND ME

* LIKE YOU AND ME

narrator: WHILE OUR BUDDIES
WERE BUSY BONDING,

THE AREA HAD SEEN A SURGE
IN MISSING CHILDREN,

AND NOBODY WAS PAID
TO CARE MORE

THAN TV'S
KATHIE LEE GIFFORD.

TODAY IN THE COMMON ROOM.

all: LAMBDAS!

- I'M HERE TODAY
AS A PAID SPOKESPERSON

FOR GOTJARED.COM

NOW, YOU ALL KNOW THAT JARED
WAS RECENTLY ABDUCTED,

AND I THINK IT IS OUR DUTY

TO DO EVERYTHING
WE CAN TO HELP HIM.

CAN ANYONE HERE TELL ME WHY?

- BECAUSE
WITH ALL GREAT POWER

COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY.

- NO.

BECAUSE IT'S
A TERRIFIC TOOL FOR...

[singsong]
NETWORKING.

THINK ABOUT IT,
YOU'RE OUT THERE,

YOU'RE SELLING
YOUR GOTJARED.COM T-SHIRTS

ALL OVER THE PLACE,

AND YOU ARE NOT ONLY
RAISING AWARENESS

FOR POOR JARED,
BUT ALSO, THE BEST PART:

3% OF ALL THE NET SALES
GO TO CHARITY.

[excited murmurs]

3%!

HOW'S THAT
FOR RESPONSIBILITY?

narrator: YOU CAN'T HAVE
SPRING BREAK

WITHOUT SORORITY GIRLS,

AND YOU CAN'T BECOME
A TROPHY MAKER

WITHOUT LEARNING
HOW TO SCOOP BABES.

- ROOK,
MAKE SURE I'M SECURE.

narrator: GARY WAS ABOUT
TO TEACH THE BUDDIES HOW.

TROPHY MAKER STYLE.

- ALL RIGHT, COME HERE.

WE'RE GONNA DO WHAT'S KNOWN
AS "THE ANIMAL HOUSE PLAN."

- OH, AS IN THE MOVIE?
- OH, YEAH.

ME AND KRAVELLO,

WE HAD THAT ON LOCKDOWN
BACK IN THE DAY.

IT'S EVEN EASIER
IN TODAY'S INFORMATION AGE.

ROOK,
THIS THE SORORITY HOUSE?

- LAMBDA OMEGA MU,
ST. A's COLLEGE.

- OH, I KNOW THE VERY SCENE
YOU'RE EMULATING.

BRILLIANT.

BUT GARY.

WHY THE BELT?

- 'CAUSE CHICKS
DIG CHAMPIONS.

YOU GOT YOUR CORSAGES?

- CHECK.
- CHECK-CHECK.

- THEN LET'S SCOOP
SOME BABES.

narrator: "SCOOPING"
WAS TROPHY MAKER TERMINOLOGY

FOR "HOOKING UP."

- HELLO, LADIES.

- OH, MY GOD.

MISS KATHIE LEE GIFFORD.

BIG FAN.

HERE IT IS.

MORNING TALK SHOW.

COUCH, COFFEE TABLE,
YOU, ME.

MOSTLY ME.

- NO.

- UH, MRS. FRANK GIFFORD.
- OY.

- I'VE WAITED MY WHOLE LIFE
TO ASK YOU THIS.

THE HEISMAN TROPHY--

SOLID NICKEL CHROME
OR BRASS DIP?

narrator: LIKE MOST WOMEN,
KATHIE LEE WAS HOT

FOR TROPHY MAKERS.

- TROPHY MAKER?

- UH-HUH.

- OH.

OH, GOD.

[breathless]
CALL ME.

CALL ME.

- OH!

[laughs]

- CAN I HELP YOU?

- UH, YES.

WE'RE HERE TO SEE
FAWN LIEBOWITZ.

- WHO?

- [whispering]
LISA DOONER.

- OH, I MEAN,
LISA DOONER.

- I THINK YOU'D BETTER
HAVE A SEAT IN THE LIVING ROOM.

- DON'T MIND IF WE DO.

- SNACKS!

[clock ticks]

narrator:
LIKE ALL TROPHY MAKERS,

GARY HAD MASTERED
THE ART OF SEDUCTION.

AND GRAHAM,
HE BOUGHT A SHIRT.

- THANKS FOR THE SHIRT.

BEST 70 BUCKS I EVER SPENT.

- NO PROB.

I'M BRITTANY.

- I'M KATELYN.

YOU GUYS ARE HERE
TO SEE LISA?

- LISA AND I ARE ENGAGED.

ACTUALLY, WE'RE ENGAGED
TO BE ENGAGED.

narrator: GARY AND LISA
WEREN'T ENGAGED.

THEY DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW EACH OTHER.

SEE, IT WAS ALL PART
OF THE ANIMAL HOUSE PLAN.

FIND A DEAD SORORITY GIRL...

[both sob]

MEET UP WITH
HER GRIEVING SISTERS...

TELL THEM YOU
WERE HER BOYFRIEND...

- LISA AND I ARE ENGAGED.

narrator: SO THEY'LL FEEL
SORRY ENOUGH TO GO OUT WITH YOU.

- GUYS, I KNOW
YOU CAME TO SEE LISA,

BUT HOW ABOUT WE ALL
GO GET SOME DRINKS AND TALK?

- BRIT, WE'RE SUPPOSED
TO SEE THE GUYS

FROM THE RED KEY TONIGHT.

[low]
UH, NO.

FINE.

- IT IS ON.

- OH, YEAH.

- * ONE WILL LIVE
IN INFAMY *

[bass guitar music]

narrator:
THE LOCAL RON-A-ROLL,

A.K.A. SCOOP CITY.

*

- YOU KNOW,
THIS ACTUALLY MIGHT BE FUN.

- HERE'S LITTLE DOGGIE.

HE'S GOING TO THE...
POUND!

[laughter]

- PROPER ROLLING ATTIRE.

- THIS PLACE IS AWESOME.

narrator:
AND AN OPPORTUNITY FOR GARY

TO CATCH UP
WITH OLD FRIENDS.

- * MY ATTEMPTS AT SEX
ARE POINTLESS *

* MY BODY BRUISED,
BEEN RIDICULOUS *

* I'M A CAUTIONARY TALE

* FOR THE LAZY
AND THE BLIND *

* I'M YOUR TWO DELUSIONS

- BUT THEN SHE SAID,
"DON'T WORRY,

THESE SLACKS
ARE STAIN RESISTANT."

[all laugh]

- [forced laugh]

- OH! OH!

- LOOK.
[pounds table]

ONE OF US HAS TO TELL YOU
ALREADY, OKAY?

LISA DIED LAST SEMESTER.

narrator: UP TILL NOW,
THE ANIMAL HOUSE PLAN

WAS WORKING TO PERFECTION.

BUT THERE WAS ONE THING
THEY HADN'T PLANNED ON.

- BUT I BROUGHT
THIS PICTURE FOR YOU, GARY.

narrator: EVEN THOUGH
GARY HAD NEVER MET LISA,

ALL HE HAD TO DO
WAS TAKE ONE LOOK AT HER.

- YOU'RE DEAD?

narrator: GARY WAS NOW
MADLY IN LOVE WITH LISA.

- WHY?

WHY, GOD?

OH, NO.

SHE'S A ANGEL.

[heavenly music]

narrator: THE FOLLOWING IMAGES
ARE NOT REAL.

- * I WONDER
WHERE YOU WILL BE *

* WHERE YOU'LL BE

narrator:
THEY'RE FIGMENTS OF GARY'S

INSTANT AND INEXPLICABLE
ROMANCE WITH LISA,

AND THEY EXIST
ONLY IN HIS DELUSIONS.

- * YOU'LL ALWAYS
BE A PART OF ME *

* NOTHING LASTS

* THAT'S HOW IT IS

* SO I'LL SLIP AWAY
BETWEEN...*

- GARY, REMEMBER
THE ANIMAL HOUSE PLAN.

WE LOOKED ONLINE,
FOUND LISA'S OBITUARY

AND PRETENDED TO KNOW HER
IN ORDER TO SCOOP GIRLS.

YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW LISA.

- LOOK, WE HAVE
OTHER PLANS TONIGHT,

SO IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE?

narrator: WITH THAT, GARY
PUT HIS NEWFOUND FEELINGS ASIDE,

FOR IT WAS AT LAST TIME
TO SEAL THE DEAL

AND SCOOP THE GIRLS.

- WELL, IF I WERE
IN YOUR SHOES, I'D BE--

- LEAVING.
WHAT A GOOD IDEA.

both: WHOO!

[both laugh]

narrator:
SUFFICE IT TO SAY,

THE BUDDIES' INTERPRETATION
OF SCOOPING AND HOOKING UP

WAS, LIKE THEM, IDIOTIC.

[rock music]

*

- I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE JUST SCOOPED.

THIS IS GONNA BE
THE BEST SPRING BREAK EVER.

- * AND I

* YEAH I GOT A BUNCH

* OF HOMEMADE COOKIES

* YOU WANNA EAT 'EM
WITH ME? *

- SPEED, KID, SPEED.

- [whimpers]
- WHOA.

- * YEAH, WE'RE FRIENDS

* YEAH,
YOU KNOW WE'RE PALS *

- * WE'RE TOTALLY PALS

- * YEAH,
WE'RE BEST FRIENDS *

* YEAH,
WE'RE TOTALLY PALS *

* WELL, THE GIRLS
COME AND GO *

* BUT MY FRIENDS,
THEY STICK AROUND *

- GLASS, CRYSTAL, ACRYLIC.

- OH, UNCANNY.

- * GOT A BUNCH

* OF HEARTACHE HURTING

* YOU WANNA TALK TO ME

[all cheer]

- OH!

OH!

OH!

- * GOT A BUNCH

- YOU'RE REALLY BRINGING IT!

YOU'RE BRINGING IT HOME!

ROOK!

I GOT SPEED!

- [clears throat]

*

- * YEAH, WE'RE FRIENDS

* YEAH,
YOU KNOW WE'RE PALS *

- * TOTALLY PALS

- * YEAH,
WE'RE BEST FRIENDS *

* YEAH,
WE'RE TOTALLY PALS *

* WELL, THE GIRLS
COME AND GO *

* BUT MY FRIENDS
THEY STICK AROUND *

narrator:
THE BUDDIES WERE CLOSING IN,

BUT OVER AT THE SPRINGLE BELL
TOY RUN DONATION CENTER,

BIG CHICKEN WAS CLOSING IN
ON A PRIZE OF HIS OWN.

- THIS.

THIS IS WHAT
IT'S ALL ABOUT.

WE WIN THIS TROPHY--

- AND THEN WE CAN MAKE
ALL THE CLOWN FILMS WE WANT.

[chuckles]
narrator: YOU HEARD RIGHT.

AS IN PORNOGRAPHY
WITH CLOWNS.

AND BIG CHICKEN,
WITH HIS WHITE DEVILS,

WERE THE BIGGEST
PRODUCERS OF IT.

BUT CLOWN SHOOTS
HAD BEEN ILLEGAL

SINCE THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION.

COLLECTING TOYS FOR NEEDY KIDS
AND WINNING THE TROPHY

WOULD KEEP POLICE
OFF THEIR BACKS

AND AWAY FROM THEIR
ILLEGAL CLOWN ACTIVITIES.

- ALL WE NEED...
IS OUR LITTLE ELVES...

TO MAKE US MORE TOYS.

MMM MMM MMM.

narrator:
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN,

THE BOYS SETTLED IN
AFTER ANOTHER PRODUCTIVE DAY.

UNFORTUNATELY,

EYES WERE STILL UPON THEM.

- AND ON THE LOCAL FRONT,
WE'RE JUST DAYS AWAY

FROM THE ANNUAL
SPRINGLE BELL TOY RUN.

RIVAL BIKERS ARE POURING IN
WITH THE HOPES OF WINNING

THE PRESTIGIOUS
SPRINGLE BELL TROPHY.

IN OTHER NEWS, TWO OTHER
CHILDREN HAVE GONE MISSING.

- I JUST--
I JUST WISH LISA WAS HERE

TO SEE US GET BIG CHICKEN.

- OH, SHE SEES IT, GARY.

SHE SEES IT.

I-I TOO WISH I COULD SHARE
WHAT WE WERE DOING.

MY FATHER AND BROTHER
LIVE BUT 15 MINUTES FROM HERE.

- THEY MUST BE PROUD OF YOU.

- OH, OF COURSE.

ALL THEY DO IS BRAG.

MY FATHER WOULD BE MORE
PROUD THOUGH, IF I, UH,

IF I WERE PRACTICING
MEDICINE.

- YOU COULD.
YOU'RE A MEDICAL GENIUS.

- [laughs]

GRAHAM REALLY
LOOKS UP TO YOU, YOU KNOW.

- KRAVELLO.

THAT WAS THE GUY
TO INTERN UNDER.

- YOUR OLD MENTOR.

WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM,
GARY?

IF YOU DON'T MIND ME ASKING.

narrator: MICHELANGELO...
DA VINCI...

KRAVELLO.

KENNY KRAVELLO
WAS A MASTER TROPHY MAKER

WHOSE RADICAL CONCEPTS
WOULD PERMANENTLY ALTER

THE LANDSCAPE
OF TROPHY CONSTRUCTION.

THE GREATEST ROOKIE IN
THE HISTORY OF MR. TROPHY,

KRAVELLO DISPLAYED TROPHY MAKING
SKILLS NEVER BEFORE SEEN,

TILL YEARS LATER,
WHEN GARY ARRIVED.

IN NO TIME,
THE TWO BECAME

THE FINEST ROOKIE-MENTOR
PARTNERSHIP

IN THE TROPHY BUSINESS.

IT ALL APPEARED PERFECT

TILL THE MR. TROPHY
COMPANY CHRISTMAS PARTY.

THE MORNING BEGAN
LIKE ALL THE OTHERS.

- HEY, CHIEF.

MARIA.

narrator: KRAVELLO,
MR. PRELL, AND GARY,

KNOWN AS "THE BIG THREE,"

WERE GETTING READY
FOR THE NIGHT OF THEIR LIVES.

- WHOO!
GOOD MORNING, LADIES.

[laughter]

FIRST, I'M GONNA
START OFF LIKE THIS.

HEY, HELP ME SING IT, HOMEBOY.
COME ON.

* SAID COLT 45
AND TWO ZIG ZAGS *

* BABY, THAT'S ALL WE NEED

narrator: IT WAS THE HEIGHT OF
THE PARTICIPATION GENERATION--

THE ERA OF EVERYONE
GETS A TROPHY

JUST FOR PARTICIPATING.

- * WE CAN TAKE OUR TURN
SINGING THEM DIRTY RAP SONGS *

* STOP AND HIT THE BONG
LIKE CHEECH AND CHONG *

* AND SELL TAPES
FROM HERE TO HONG KONG *

* SO ROLL, ROLL,
ROLL MY JOINT *

* PICK OUT THE SEEDS
AND STEMS *

* FEELING HIGH AS HELL

* FLYIN' THROUGH PALMDALE

* SKATIN' ON DAYTON RIMS

narrator: IT BECAME
A HIGH-STAKES WORLD OF WOMEN...

- [laughs]
narrator: DRUGS...

AND TROPHIES.

- HERE'S TO TROPHIES.

narrator: UNTIL...
[record scratch]

- OH, YOU DID IT!

YOU DID IT.

- [wheezes and gasps]

- KRAVELLO!

MR. PRELL!

KRAVELLO!

narrator:
AND FROM THAT DAY ON,

LIFE AT MR. TROPHY
WAS NEVER THE SAME.

- WELL, MAYBE MR. TROPHY
CAN GET BACK ON TOP

NOW THAT YOU HAVE GRAHAM.

- WHY?

SO I CAN END UP
LIKE KRAVELLO?

WHEN WE GET BACK, THAT KID'S
WORKING IN THE FRONT OFFICE.

- BUT YOU'VE BEEN TRAINING HIM
LIKE YOU WANT A PARTNER.

- LOOK...

HE AIN'T MAKING TROPHIES
ALONGSIDE ME--PERIOD.

NOW LET'S JUST
GET SOME SHUT-EYE.

TOMORROW'S A BIG DAY.

- MENTOR WANTS TO PUT YOU
IN THE FRONT OFFICE.

WELL, GRAHAM, YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO PROVE TO HIM

THAT YOU CAN BE
A TROPHY MAKER.

TWO CREAMS, NO SUGAR?

A REFRESHING
BOXED FRUIT DRINK?

MENTOR, I'VE BEEN THINKING
OF WAYS I CAN STEP UP MY GAME.

- [slurps]
- FOR EXAMPLE,

HAVE YOU CONSIDERED
CREATING AWARDS

FOR PEOPLE WHO GIVE AWARDS?

IT'S A--
IT'S AN UNTAPPED MARKET.

- [screams]

[anguished grunts]

WHERE'S THE PINTO?

- ALL OF OUR MONEY'S
IN THERE.

- [screaming]

- HEY, FELLAS,
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

- UH, NOTHING.
NO PROBLEM AT ALL.

- MY CARD.

- VINCENT VAN GO.

- UH, VINNY.
VINNY VAN GO.

I DRIVE THE OSCO DRUG
SAMARITAN VAN.

WE'RE A PROMOTIONAL/COURTESY VAN
FOR ROAD EMERGENCIES.

"COURTESY" AS IN FREE.

- HOW CLEVER.

- [laughs]

LOOK, I'VE BEEN TRACKING YOU
AND I KNOW EVERYTHING,

EVERY LITTLE DETAIL
DOWN TO EVERY DEAD BODY.

THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW, IF YOU KNOW
WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU,

YOU'RE GONNA TAKE A RIDE
WITH YOUR NEW BEST BUDDY,

VINNY VAN GO.

IF YOU KNOW
WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU.

SO DO YOU GUYS MYSPACE?

I HAVE A MYSPACE ACCOUNT,

BUT I DON'T HAVE
ANY FRIENDS.

[women screaming]

OH, GREGORY?

CAN I HAVE ONE OF THOSE

REFRESHING
BOXED FRUIT DRINKS, PLEASE?

I SAID GIVE ME A
REFRESHING BOXED FRUIT DRINK!

THANKS.
[chuckles]

OOH, OH, GUYS!

WE SHOULD PRETEND
TO BE THE A-TEAM.

OH, YEAH. YEAH.

I GET TO BE HANNIBAL.
CALLED IT!

NO, NO, WAIT.
I'M DRIVING THE VAN.

YEAH,
I SHOULD BE B.A. BARACUS,

BECAUSE I PITY THE FOOL!

OH, YEAH,
I PITY THE FOOL!

- WE'VE BEEN TAKEN CAPTIVE
BY AN ENERGY VAMPIRE.

- YOU GENIUSES
AND YOUR IMAGINATIONS.

VAMPIRES ARE MAKE-BELIEVE.

- VAMPIRES ARE
FICTIONAL CHARACTERS

BASED ON REAL LIFE
"ENERGY VAMPIRES."

INSTEAD OF SUCKING BLOOD,
THEY SUCK ENERGY.

- WELCOME TO THE OPENING NIGHT
OF MY NEW MUSICAL.

[giggles]

VINNY.

- THE COFFIN-LIKE INTERIOR,

OUR PULSE RATES FALLING
WITH EVERY FRIVOLOUS SUBJECT,

THE HEAVY SMELL
OF DRAKKAR NOIR--

- [sniffs]

- OKAY, WHO CAN HOLD A NOTE
THE LONGEST?

ME FIRST.

LAAAAAA...

AHHH!

AH, MAN!

narrator: VINNY HOPED
BUYING THE BUDDIES A PIZZA

WOULD SOLIDIFY A FRIENDSHIP,

NOT THAT THEY
HAD ANY CHOICE.

- THIS MISSING KID JARED
HAS HIS PICTURE

ALL OVER THE PLACE.

[laughs]

GUYS, WE SHOULD TOTALLY
DRAW A HITLER MUSTACHE ON HIM.

- THE BREAD--

IT'S GARLIC BREAD.

THE GARLIC WILL REPEL HIS POWER
AND RESTORE OUR ENERGY.

EAT.

- MORE CHERRY COLA,
YOU FILTHY WHORE!

NOW, ABOUT ME.
[laughs]

NOW, YOU CAN ALREADY TELL
I'M A GREAT LISTENER.

THAT'S WHY MY NONIE BOUGHT ME
THE SAMARITAN VAN.

- VINNY.

YOU'RE CLOSE WITH
YOUR GRANDMOTHER THEN?

- YEAH, I LIVE WITH HER.

- IF YOU ALLOW US
TO PART WAYS

AND AGREE TO FORGET
ALL OF THIS,

NO HARM WILL COME TO HER.

- YOU GUYS WOULD KILL
MY GRANDMOTHER?

- YES.
- YES.

- WE WOULD, VINNY.
- WE WOULD, VINNY.

- THIS IS GONNA BE AMAZING!

OH, MY GOD.

WHEN ARE WE GONNA KILL HER?
WHAT DO I WEAR?

OH, WAIT.

I WANT YOU GUYS TO KNOW
THAT KILLING HER

ISN'T GONNA GET IN THE WAY
OF OUR GETTING BIG CHICKEN.

YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO FIND
A WAY TO PAY FOR GAS.

- DIDN'T YOU SAY YOUR FAMILY
LIVES NEAR HERE?

- NO, NO. I WILL NOT ASK
MY FATHER FOR MONEY.

- [scoffs]

ANOTHER ACCIDENT?

- OH, NO, MY FRIEND AND I
HAVE MERELY BROKEN DOWN.

- HAVE A SEAT IN THE LIBRARY.

I'LL TELL YOUR BROTHER
YOU'RE HERE.

- GARY.

OOH.

NICE PLACE.

IS THAT CRYSTAL?

- [whispers]
GARY...

- HOW MANY BATHROOMS
IN A PLACE THIS BIG?

WHEW.

GRANITE, MARBLE.

- [sighs]

- A LOT OF SHELF SPACE
IN HERE.

WHEW.

- THIS ROOM BRINGS BACK
MANY MEMORIES FOR ME.

MY BROTHER GARTH'S
GRADUATION IN PARTICULAR.

[classical music]

*

- THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU FOR COMING.

REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING.
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- CONGRATULATIONS,
DOCTOR VON GEARHART.

- WELL, I COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT
WITHOUT YOU, MOM AND DAD,

OR WITHOUT
THE LOVE AND DEVOTION

OF MY BEAUTIFUL FIANCEE.

- THE GOOD LORD HAS CERTAINLY
BLESSED OUR FAMILY.

- HI, DADDY. HI, MOMMY.
[vibrator buzzes]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
INVITED GUESTS.

CONGRATULATIONS, GARTH.
REALLY.

AND WINTER.

INSTRUCTION MANUAL'S
INCLUDED.

- HE WAS NEVER SUPPOSED
TO BE HERE.

ONCE WINTER AND I
ARE MARRIED,

I'M CUTTING OFF ALL CONTACT
WITH THIS FAMILY.

I WILL NOT HAVE MY WIFE
OR MY CHILDREN

EXPOSED TO THIS...

STAIN.

- GARTH, PLEASE.
WE'LL FIX THIS.

- YOU SHOULD'VE FIXED IT

WHEN POOR MOTHER WAS PREGNANT
AT 44 YEARS OLD.

- [gasps]

- [sniffs]
- [coughs]

- DADDY, CAN I HELP BY HANDING
OUT SOME HORS D'OEUVRES?

- SIT DOWN!

- HONEY, LET'S DO A SONG
FROM THE CHURCH PLAY.

- WINTER, NOT NOW.

- ONE VERSE.
COME ON.

- SON,
YOU'RE A VON GEARHART.

YOU LOVE BEING THE CENTER
OF ATTENTION.

- WELL, GUILTY.

[laughter]

- [laughs]

- * JESUS IS MY BEST FRIEND
FOREVER *

* EVERYTHING WE DO,
I DO TOGETHER *

* YOU'RE NOT GONNA FIND HIM
ON MYSPACE *

* EVERY DAY BUT SUNDAY
HE'S AT MY PLACE *

- * WHAT KIND OF JACKASS
WOULDN'T LOVE JESUS? *

* WHAT KIND OF DOUCHE BAG
WOULDN'T LOVE THE LORD? *

both: * WHAT KIND OF RETARD
WOULDN'T PRAY TO HEAVEN? *

* THE KIND OF GUY
THAT NEVER SHOULD BEEN BORN *

- EVERYBODY!

all: * WHAT KIND OF JACKASS

* WOULDN'T LOVE JESUS?

* THE KIND OF GUY THAT
NEVER SHOULD BEEN BORN *

- ONCE AGAIN!

all: * WHAT KIND OF JACKASS

* WOULDN'T LOVE JESUS?

* THE KIND OF GUY
THAT NEVER SHOULD BEEN BORN *

[cheering]

- MY FIANCE, THE DOCTOR!

- MY SON, THE DOCTOR.

[cheering]

- THAT WAS THE NIGHT
I INJECTED MY BROTHER'S SPINE

WITH LIGHTER FLUID,

LEAVING HIM WITH SENSITIVITY
IN ONLY THREE FINGERS.

GARTH!
HOW LOVELY TO SEE YOU.

AND WINTER.

- [robotic voice]
WHY ARE YOU HERE?

- I NEED MONEY.

DADDY.

LET ME MAKE THIS.

I MAKE IT ALL THE TIME
AT THE RECTORY.

PLEASE?

- GARTH, WE NEED
TO MAKE THIS FAST.

AS PRESIDENT-ELECT
OF THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS,

YOU NEED TO MEET
WITH YOUR TRANSITION TEAM.

- YOUR BROTHER'S
BECOME QUITE THE STAR.

SON OF A GUN MAKES TWICE WHAT
I DID WHEN I WAS PRACTICING.

- [robotic voice] AND I
AM BETTER-LOOKING THAN YOU.

[laughter]

- [laughs]

- HOW'S THE TEA, DADDY?

THE TEA?

- IT'S ACTUALLY PERFECT.

SPEAKING OF WHICH,
I RECEIVED A LETTER

FROM ONE OF YOUR PRIESTS.

YOU'VE BECOME QUITE
THE LITTLE HOMEMAKER

AROUND THE RECTORIES.

- SERIOUSLY,

HOW MANY HARVARD GRADUATES
WOULD GIVE UP

A CAREER IN MEDICINE
TO WORK WITH THE CHURCH?

- [robotic voice]
HA, HA, HA.

HA, HA, HA.

HA, HA, HA.

- [laughs]

OH, I THINK
YOU MISUNDERSTOOD ME, GARY.

IT WAS MY BROTHER GARTH
THAT WENT TO HARVARD.

- HUH?

- [robotic voice] GREGORY
ATTENDED COMMUNITY COLLEGE

FOR ONE SEMESTER
BEFORE FLUNKING OUT.

- SO...

[lisps]
GARWEE.

WHAT DO YOU DO FOR WORK?

- WELL--
- GARY IS AN ENGINEER.

HE WORKS WITH COLORFUL RESINS
AND PLASTICS.

UH, HE RECENTLY LOST
HIS GIRLFRIEND, LISA.

I'M PROVIDING
SPIRITUAL COUNSEL.

IF ANYTHING GOOD
HAS COME OUT OF THE LOSS,

IT'S THAT THE TWO OF US
ARE ACTUALLY NOW DATING

KATELYN AND BRITTANY--
LISA'S OLD ROOMMATES.

- GREGORY,
YOU'RE DATING?

- IT'S VERY EXCITING.

- A GIRL?
- YEAH!

- YOU'VE HAD INTERCOURSE
WITH HER?

- WHY, WE WERE ON OUR WAY

TO HAVE INTERCOURSE
WITH THE TWO OF THEM

WHEN GARY'S CAR WAS STOLEN.

DADDY.

I KNOW I'VE BEEN
A CONSTANT SOURCE OF GRIEF

FOR THIS FAMILY, BUT...

[sighs]

I'VE GROWN.

- SON.

MOTHER AND I HAD YOU
SO LATE IN LIFE.

YOU WERE...

AN ACCIDENT.

BUT WITH--

WITH YOUR CLEANING,

I-I GUESS
YOU'VE FINALLY FOUND

A WAY TO FIT IN.

- DADDY, CAN I PERFORM
A LITTLE NUMBER

I COMPOSED FOR YOU
AND FOR GARTH?

WE VON GEARHARTS LOVE BEING
THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.

GUILTY.

IT'S JUST A LITTLE DITTY

THAT I'VE BEEN WORKING ON...

[under breath]
FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS.

* DADDY, DADDY

* HOW I LOVE THEE SO

* DADDY, DADDY

* DANCIN' TO AND FRO
[thud]

ALL PART OF THE PERFORMANCE.

* DANCIN' TO AND FRO

* WILL YOU THINK OF ME,
DADDY *

* AS I'M DANCIN' SLOW

KAZOO SOLO.

[plays kazoo]

*

- UH, SON...

LET ME GET THE MONEY.

- I DO MORE THAN CLEANING,
GARTH.

I DO THE LORD'S WORK.

- [robotic voice]
YOU ARE A SOCIOPATH.

[tapping keys]

YOUR ACTIONS ARE DICTATED
BY A PSYCHOTIC NEED

FOR ATTENTION
AND ADULATION.

YOU ARE INCAPABLE
OF FORMING BONDS WITH OTHERS.

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT
YOU AND ONE HOUR PHOTO HERE

ARE REALLY UP TO.

- GARY IS MY FRIEND.

- YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS,
ONLY VICTIMS,

AND ACCOMPLICES WHO END UP
AS VICTIMS.

[chair whirring]

- OH.
THAT'S OKAY.

[chair whirring]

OH. OW!

OW.

ALL RIGHT.

AAH!

NO, YOU--I GOT IT.
LET ME JUST GET YOUR HANDS OFF.

GET--I GOT IT.
LEAVE IT ALONE.

[struggling]
SHIT.

GOD--

OH. OKAY, FINE.
DO IT YOURSELF.

THAT WAS MY FOOT!

[loud crash]

- MENTOR, I KNOW YOU
MAY HAVE ALTERNATIVE PLANS

FOR MY INTERNSHIP, BUT IF
I COULD JUST HAVE A SECOND--

- NOT NOW, ROOK.

THIS IS WHY I WORK ALONE.

- WELL, THAT WAS
A PLEASANT VISIT.

SORRY FOR THE DELAY.

I JUST HAD TO SLIP INTO
SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE.

- I JUST GOT WORD
ON THE TWO-WAY.

BIG CHICKEN AND THE WHITE DEVILS
ARE HOLING UP

AT SANTA'S PLANTATION.

- THE OLD ABANDONED
THEME PARK

JUST OUTSIDE LACONIA.

WHY, WE COULD TAKE OUT
BIG CHICKEN

BEFORE HE EVEN GETS
TO THE SPRINGLE BELL TOY RUN.

NOT BAD, ENERGY VAMPIRE.

- ENERGY WHAT?

[scoffs]
AND I THOUGHT I WAS WEIRD.

- JUST TAKE US
TO SANTA'S PLANTATION.

WELL, TODAY RINGS ANEW.

WE GET TO RID THE EARTH
OF A MOTORCYCLE OUTLAW HEATHEN

AND FULFILL OUR QUOTA.

HEY, GAR?

- OUR QUOTA?
FROM HERE ON IN, IT'S MY QUOTA.

- * GOING DOWN
TO WHISPERVILLE *

* WHERE THE LIVING
LOVE SONGS GROW *

* THEY BEAT THEIR WINGS
AND WHISPER THINGS *

* MAN WAS NOT MEANT
TO KNOW *

- ALL RIGHT, GUYS.

ONCE WE GET
TO SANTA'S PLANTATION

AND TAKE OUT BIG CHICKEN,
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO STAY

AND HAVE THE BEST TIME
OF OUR LIVES, ALL RIGHT?

WE'RE GONNA DO THE SNOW GLOBE
EATING CONTEST,

WE'RE GONNA
MAKE CANDY CANES,

AND I WANT TO REENACT
THE NATIVITY SCENE, ALL RIGHT?

BECAUSE LAST YEAR,
I MESSED UP REALLY BAD.

YEAH, I PISSED OFF
ONE OF THE WISE MEN

AND I ATE THE BABY JESUS,
OKAY?

I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY!

AAH!
[tires screeching]

I ALMOST RAN OVER A KID.

WOULDN'T BE THE FIRST TIME,
RIGHT?

[laughs]

I GOTTA STOP KILLING PEOPLE.

[gasps]

FRESH CHERRIES?

I'M PULLING OVER.

narrator: EVEN THOUGH
THEIR DATE WITH BIG CHICKEN

WAS MINUTES AWAY,
VINNY COULDN'T HELP HIMSELF.

HE'D NEVER HAD
SPRING CHERRIES.

[thunder rumbles]

- GARY, PLEASE TALK TO ME.

WE'RE FRIENDS.

- OH, REALLY?

BECAUSE THE COMPUTER
ON YOUR BROTHER'S WHEELCHAIR

SAID WE'RE ACCOMPLICES.

AND COMPUTERS DON'T LIE.
- OH, NO, NO.

ALL OF THAT WAS BASED
ON PSYCHOLOGICAL EXAMS

THAT WERE DONE YEARS AGO.

A YEAR AGO.

OH, GARY.
I THINK THAT MAY BE JARED.

THE BOY THAT KATELYN
AND BRITTANY WERE SEEKING.

SEE?

- OH, NO.

JARED HAS
A HITLER MUSTACHE.

- NO, NO, NO.
VINNY ADDED THAT.

I THINK IT'S HIM.

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

DO YOU HAVE
ANY INFORMATION REGARDING

THE OWNER
OF THAT THERE TRUCK?

AND WHO'S THE BOY WITH HIM
IN THE FRONT?

- LOOK, I DON'T KNOW
WHO YOU ARE,

BUT PAUL-OF-THE-SHED
AIN'T THE FRIENDLY TYPE.

SURE DOES LOVE
HIS CHERRIES THOUGH.

- IS THAT SO?

THANK YOU, NEIGHBOR.

WE HAVE TO TAKE HIM OUT.

- WOW, YOU SEE
THE SIZE OF THAT GUY?

- HE IS UNUSUALLY LARGE.

BUT GARY, YOU HAVE
WHAT'S REFERRED TO

IN MEDICAL TERMS
AS "SUPER RETARD STRENGTH."

- IT'S TRUE.

I GET AN ABNORMAL SURGE
OF ADRENALINE

WHENEVER I GET EMOTIONAL.

- WELL, THEN.
COVER ME.

MR. OF-THE-SHED,

YOU'RE HEADED TO HELL,
SIR,

BUT I CAN HELP YOU
GET TO HEAVEN.

NOPE, I'M AFRAID
I CAN'T LET YOU GO,

FRIEND!

[groans]

- HEY, KIDS.
LET'S SING A SONG.

* TWINKLE, TWINKLE
LITTLE STAR *

narrator: WHETHER IT WAS
THE MISSING JARED OR NOT,

PAUL-OF-THE-SHED FLED.

- OKAY, GARY,
YOU GOT YOUR REVENGE ON ME.

BUT NOW WE NEED
TO GO AFTER THAT DEMON!

- WHY?

- GARY, THE MAN
MAY HAVE ABDUCTED A CHILD.

- I WOULDN'T KILL SOMEONE
'CAUSE OF THAT.

- THEN WHAT HAVE WE
BEEN DOING?

THE SPRING BREAK OF OUR LIVES,
ANSWERING A CALLING

TO PROFILE EVIL PEOPLE
AND KILL THEM

SO THEY GET SAFE PASSAGE
TO HEAVEN.

COME ON.

- OUR CALLING
IS TO PROFILE AND KILL

POTENTIAL TROPHY WINNERS.

- [laughs]
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU'RE SAYING YOU WANT
TO KILL PEOPLE

BASED ON THE FACT
THAT THEY MIGHT PRECIPITATE

INCREASED TROPHY SALES?

THEN WHY ON EARTH
ARE YOU PURSUING

A MURDEROUS CRETIN
LIKE BIG CHICKEN?

- 'CAUSE IF BIG CHICKEN WINS
THE SPRINGLE BELL TOY RUN,

OUTLAW BIKERS EVERYWHERE
WILL BE PURSUING TROPHIES.

narrator: AND WHAT'S
WHEN GREGORY REALIZED

THAT HE AND THE BUDDIES
HADN'T BEEN KILLING FOR GOD.

- OH, DEAR ME.

narrator: THEY'D BEEN KILLING
TO CURB TROPHY SALES.

- ALL THIS TIME,

ALL THOSE INNOCENT...

THE WORLD
OF THE TROPHY MAKER, HUH?

THE POWER OF THE TROPHY.

YOU SCREW TOGETHER
PIECES OF FUCKING PLASTIC!

- LISA DIDN'T THINK SO.

- OH, YOU NEVER EVEN MET LISA,
YOU DELUSIONAL TWIT!

- WHAT ABOUT YOU,
MR. COMMUNITY COLLEGE?

YOU'RE ONE OF THEM PSYCHO,
BORN-AGAIN, HOLY ROLLERS...

WHOSE FAMILY HATES HIM.

- I KNOW ABOUT YOUR PLAN
TO PUT ME AWAY

IN THE FRONT OFFICE.

- WELL, SINCE WE'RE ALL
BEING SO OPEN...

[spits]

I STOLE YOUR CAR

SO YOU'D ALL BE FORCED
TO BE MY FRIENDS.

- WELL, THAT WAS STUPID.

I FOR ONE, AM INCAPABLE
OF BEING FRIENDS...

WITH ANYONE.

ESPECIALLY NOT
WITH SOME LOWLY,

SMALL-MINDED,
WAREHOUSE GRUNT,

TROPHY MAKER.

- [shouts]
OH, YEAH?

WELL, I HATE REFRESHING
BOXED FRUIT DRINKS!

THEY'RE GROSS!

[acoustic guitar music]

- * DADDY, DADDY,
HOW I LOVE THEE SO *

* DADDY, DADDY,
DANCIN' TO AND FRO *

* WILL YOU THINK OF ME,
DADDY *

* WHEN I'M DANCIN' SLOW

*

* MOMMY, MOMMY

* HOW I LOVE THEE SO

* MOMMY, MOMMY,
DANCIN' TO AND FRO *

* WILL YOU THINK OF ME,
MOMMY *

* WHEN I'M DANCING SLOW

* CAN I COUNT
ALL THE TEARS *

* WE COLLECTED
ALL THESE YEARS? *

* CAN I COUNT 'EM?

- LOOK AT YOU,
MAKING TROPHIES.

YOU KNOW WHAT TROPHY
YOU COULD WIN?

"GAYEST JUMPSUIT."

[laughs]
THAT'S ONE I NEVER WON, PAL.

YOU LOOK GOOD THOUGH.

- * DADDY, DADDY,
HOW I LOVE THEE SO *

* DADDY, DADDY,
WHY'D YOU MAKE ME GO? *

* DO YOU MISS ME, DADDY?

* 'CAUSE I MISS YOU SO

* MOMMY, MOMMY

* HOW I LOVE THEE SO

* MOMMY, MOMMY,
WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO? *

* DO YOU MISS ME, MOMMY?

* 'CAUSE I MISS YOU SO

*

- [sobbing]

*

- I'M CRAZY!
COME BACK, JACKOFF!

WHERE THE HELL'S MY BELT?
I TOLD YOU I NEEDED A BELT.

[kazoo music]

*

- HEY, CHIEF.

MARIA.

ROOKIE.

narrator: IT WAS COCKTAIL HOUR
AT THE VON GEARHARTS.

[lively music]

*

[laughter]

- HEY!

- JUST ANOTHER MOMENT IN TIME
WHEN GREGORY DIDN'T BELONG.

- YES!

- [laughs]

[glass shatters]

- [laughs hysterically]

[glass shatters]

[guitar music]

*

- * DADDY, DADDY,
NOW I HAVE TO GO *

* DADDY, DADDY

* LEAVE YOU AND MY BRO

* NOW YOU'LL THINK OF ME,
DADDY *

* WHEN YOU'RE DANCIN' SLOW

* MOMMY, MOMMY,
I GOTTA LET YOU GO *

* MOMMY, MOMMY,
IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GROW *

* PLEASE THINK OF ME,
MOMMY *

* WHEN YOU'RE DANCIN' SLOW

HELLO, CHIEF.

- [snores]

- MARIA.

CHIEF, I NEED TO SEE GARY.

- HE'S NOT HERE.

YOU CAN LEAVE A NOTE
ON HIS DESK.

- "MENTOR."

"MENTOR,
I'M TAKING OUT BIG CHICKEN,

"NOT TO CURB
THE TROPHY POPULATION,

"BUT TO PROVE TO YOU
MY VALUE.

WOOKIE."

narrator: THE OLD ABANDONED
SANTA'S PLANTATION--

TOP SECRET HIDEOUT
TO THE DREADED WHITE DEVILS.

[radio playing
triumphant music]

*

- GARY TAGLER HERE,

ONCE AGAIN,
IF YOU'RE JUST TUNING IN,

TWO MORE CHILDREN
HAVE BEEN ABDUCTED,

BRINGING THE NUMBER
OF MISSING CHILDREN

IN THE AREA
TO THE HUNDREDS.

POLICE ARE ASKING FOR YOUR HELP.
IF YOU HAVE ANY--

[radio turns off]

narrator: OH, THE WHITE DEVILS
WERE THIRSTY ALL RIGHT,

BUT FOR A LOT MORE
THAN BEER.

- [blowing note]

narrator: ALAS,
GRAHAM HAD FOUND HIMSELF

CAUGHT IN NONE OTHER
THAN BIG CHICKEN'S TALONS.

OUTSIDE, GARY TRIED TO SUMMON
HIS SUPER RETARD STRENGTH,

AND FOR SOME REASON...

HE COULDN'T.

- [grunts]

[phone beeps]

YEAH, IT'S GARY.

I NEED REINFORCEMENTS.

YEAH.

[phone beeps]

- GARY, WAIT!

I'M SORRY I LIED.

AND I KNOW WHAT MY BROTHER
SAID WAS RIGHT.

MY MOTIVATIONS
HAVE BEEN SOLELY BASED

ON MY NEED
FOR ADULATION.

BUT I'M SORRY FOR WHAT
I SAID ABOUT YOUR CAREER,

AND ESPECIALLY SORRY
FOR WHAT I SAID ABOUT LISA.

YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HER,

WHETHER IN YOUR MIND
OR REALITY,

IS YOURS TO BE RESPECTED.

- AND I'M SORRY I SAID
I HATE BOXED FRUIT DRINKS.

I MEAN, I DID NOT
LIKE THEM AT FIRST,

BUT NOW I FIND THEM
REFRESHING.

AND HEY, IF YOU'RE HERE,

MAYBE WHAT YOUR BROTHER
SAID WAS WRONG.

I MEAN, SOME GUYS
IN WHEELCHAIRS ARE STUPID.

- IT ISN'T THE TROPHY
THAT MAKES THE MAN.

IT ISN'T EVEN THE MAN
WHO MAKES THE TROPHY.

IT'S THE MAN WHO MADE
THE TROPHY.

- A MAN DOESN'T PUT
HIS TROPHY INTERN IN DANGER.

- NO.

HE SAVES HIM.

SO YOU GET IN THERE

AND YOU GO AND GET
THOSE TROPHY-MONGER BASTARDS.

- THAT'S JUST IT.

MY SUPER RETARD STRENGTH
IS GONE.

- OH.

I CAN'T SEEM TO BRING MYSELF
TO POISON THEM EITHER.

MY GOODNESS, GARY.

HAVE WE BECOME HUMAN?

- IT COULDN'T HAVE COME
AT A WORSE TIME.

- FELLAS!

THEY'RE GONNA KILL GRAHAM!

- WE KNOW.
- YEAH.

- WAIT.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?

- [pants]

YOU KNOW BIG CHICKEN'S
REPUTATION.

GRAHAM HAD ME DRIVE HIM HERE,
AND I DID.

I DROPPED HIM OFF
AND I LEFT.

THEN I REALIZED
WE'RE SERIAL BUDDIES,

AND WE NEED
TO STICK TOGETHER.

AND I HAVE A PLAN
TO FIX EVERYTHING

IF YOU'LL JUST TRUST ME.

narrator: VINNY'S PLAN WAS
TO INFILTRATE THE WHITE DEVILS

BY POSING AS FELLOW BIKERS.

UNFORTUNATELY, VINNY DIDN'T
HAVE ANY BIKER CLOTHES,

BUT HE DID HAVE
A VAN FULL OF S&M GEAR.

- I DON'T EVEN KNOW
HOW THIS STUFF EVEN GOT HERE.

- ALL RIGHT,
ENOUGH DAYDREAMING, YOU GUYS.

WE GOTTA SAVE ROOK.

GIVE ME THIS.

[heavy metal music]

- OH, YES.

*

[glass shatters]
both: SHH!

- I'M GONNA ASK YOU
FOR THE LAST TIME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- OH!

WHO ARE THESE CLOWNS?

[horn honking]

narrator: UNFORTUNATELY,
BIG CHICKEN DIDN'T APPRECIATE

HIS CLOWN SHOOT
BEING INTERRUPTED.

- SO THIS--
THIS MUST BE YOUR FRIENDS, HUH?

- ACTUALLY, WE'RE BROTHERS
IN A RIVAL MOTORCYCLE GANG.

TELL THEM, GARY.

- MY INTERN WAS MERELY TRYING
TO MAKE A NAME FOR HIMSELF.

- AND SO WE'RE HOPING
THAT YOU'LL FORGIVE

THE WAY JESUS FORGAVE

THE OUTLAW DONKEY GANGS
OF HIS TIME.

- WHOEVER YOU ARE,

I DON'T WANT
ANY PROBLEMS, OKAY?

SO TAKE YOUR "INTERN"

AND JUST BE GRATEFUL

YOU DIDN'T CATCH UP WITH ME
20 YEARS AGO.

- THANK YOU.

- OH.

PAUL-OF-THE-SHED.
DIRECTOR ON THE SET.

- WHAT'S THIS?

- OH, THESE ARE SOME FRUITS.
THEY WERE JUST LEAVING.

- BULLSHIT!
THESE WERE THE ASSHOLES

FROM THE CHERRY STAND.

- THEY'RE TROPHY MAKERS,
BIG CHICKEN!

THEY CAME HERE TO TRY
AND STOP YOU FROM GETTING

YOUR BIG TROPHY
AT THE SPRINGLE BELL TOY RUN.

- I KNEW
WE COULDN'T TRUST YOU.

narrator: GETTING IN THE WAY
OF BIG CHICKEN

WINNING THAT TROPHY
WAS JUST A DEATH SENTENCE

WAITING TO BE CARRIED OUT.

- I'D LOVE TO SEE THE LOOK
ON YOU BOYS' FACE

WHEN PAUL-OF-THE-SHED'S
KILLING YOU.

OH, WAIT.
I WILL.

HE'S FILMING IT.
[laughs]

narrator: PAUL-OF-THE-SHED
WAS A GIANT CLOWN DIRECTOR.

WELL, HE WAS 8 FEET TALL.

PAUL ALSO SHOT CLOWN SNUFF.

HEY, THAT'S
WHEN YOU MURDER SOMEONE

IN REAL LIFE
AND YOU FILM IT!

ALL PAUL NEEDED NOW
WAS HIS NEW CLOWNS.

- WON'T BE LONG NOW,
SERIAL BUDDIES.

[laughs]

THAT'S A LARGE.
NO SAUCE AND COLD SARDINES.

- WHERE ARE MY REINFORCEMENTS?

- I'M SORRY I GOT YOU GUYS
INTO THIS.

- OH, NO, GRAHAM.

THIS IS THE LORD'S DOING.

THE CATHOLIC WAY
OF "SIN NOW, SORRY LATER"

IS AS MUCH A MYTH
AS THE EASTER BUNNY

AND ENERGY VAMPIRES.

[indistinct chatter]

- I TOLD YOU
IT WOULDN'T BE LONG.

[giggles]
- WHAT?

WHAT?

- ALL RIGHT,
I AM AN ENERGY VAMPIRE.

HAPPY NOW?
[groans]

- ARE THEY DEAD?
- COMATOSE.

NORMALLY, I WOULD'VE
TALKED 'EM TO DEATH,

BUT I'VE CHANGED TOO.

- WELL, LET'S BUST THIS JOINT.

- YEAH,
WE'RE BUSTING A JOINT.

- A REAL LIFE ENERGY VAMPIRE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU PULLED IT OFF, VINNY.

- FELLAS, WE'RE SERIAL BUDDIES.
WE CAN DO ANYTHING.

NOW LET'S GO DRIVE
IN CIRCLES

AND HAVE ME TALK
AT YOU NOT TO YOU.

- HEY.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST STOP
AND TALK AT ME,

ENERGY VAMPIRE.

- AAH!

- GARY'S REINFORCEMENTS
FROM RON-A-ROLL

FINALLY ARRIVED.

- YOU KNOW YOU'RE DEAD,
RIGHT?

- OH, ABSOLUTELY.
- PRETTY DEAD.

- YEAH, WE'RE DONE.
- MM-HMM.

- UH, CAN I GET A MINUTE?
THANKS!

YOU KNOW WHAT WE GOTTA DO,
RIGHT?

- OH, NOT THAT.
IT'S INHUMAN.

- WE'RE DEAD ANYWAYS.

- WE ARE DEAD.
GOOD-BYE, VINNY.

NOW BITE DOWN.

[crunching]
IT WILL BE OVER SOON.

- OH, I'M BORED.

GET 'EM!

[The Monkees' Goin' Down plays]

- * FLOATIN' DOWN THE RIVER
WITH A SATURATED LIVER *

* AND I WISH I COULD FORGIVE HER
BUT I DO BELIEVE SHE MEANT IT *

* WHEN SHE TOLD ME
TO FORGET IT *

* AND I BET SHE WILL REGRET IT

* WHEN THEY FIND ME
IN THE MORNING *

* WET AND DROWNED

* AND THE WORD GETS 'ROUND

* GOIN' DOWN,
GOIN' DOWN *

* GOIN' DOWN

* COMING' UP FOR AIR
IT'S PRETTY STUFFY UNDER THERE *

* I'D LIKE TO SAY
I DIDN'T CARE *

* BUT I FORGOT TO LEAVE
A NOTE *

[door lock clicks]

* I'M SOAKIN' WET
WITHOUT A BOAT *

* AND I KNEW I SHOULD
HAVE TAKEN OFF MY SHOES *

* IT'S FRONT PAGE NEWS

[lasso whooshes]

* GOIN' DOWN,
GOIN' DOWN *

*

[rope creaking]

[saw scraping]

[string snaps]

[laughter]

[fan blowing]

* I WISH I HAD ANOTHER DRINK

* IT WOULDN'T BE
SO HARD TO SINK *

* I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN
TIME TO THINK *

* BESIDES I GOT
THE PICTURE STRAIGHT *

* SHE MUST HAVE
HAD ANOTHER DATE *

* I DIDN'T NEED
THIS EXTRA WEIGHT *

* I WISH THAT I COULD SEE
THE WAY TO SHORE *

* I DON'T WANT NO MORE

- I'M SO SOR--
WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR NOSE?

[honks horn]
OH! I GOT IT!

I GOT YOUR NOSE!
I GOT IT.

I GOT IT.
- [screams]

narrator:
JUST WHEN IT LOOKED

LIKE ALL HOPE WAS LOST...

[microphone feedback]

[crazed laughter]

[thunder rumbling]

OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD.

I WAS WATCHING RACHAEL RAY
THE OTHER DAY,

AND SHE MADE
THESE AMAZING SPINACH--

LIKE, ALMOST, LIKE,
SPINACH LASAGNA ROLLS.

THEY'RE SO GOOD.
OH, MY GOD.

I'M HAVING A TEA PARTY LATER,
AND I WANT TO INVITE EVERYBODY.

EVERYBODY HERE CAN COME
TO MY TEA PARTY.

I'M HAVING
SPANISH SPINACH LASAGNA ROLLS.

YEAH, SPANISH BECAUSE I'M ALSO
PUTTING JALAPENOS IN THERE.

WHEN I WAS 13, I FINALLY
WAS LET OUT OF THE INCUBATOR.

I WAS IN AN INCUBATOR
FOR 13 YEARS,

AND IT ACTUALLY
WAS KIND OF NICE.

PEOPLE JUST CAME TO ME,

AND I GOT TO PLAY
WITH MY OWN STUFF.

- PITY YOU CAN'T MIME
TAKING GARLIC SUPPLEMENTS.

- I HATED GYM CLASS, EXCEPT
WHEN IT WAS DODGE BALL DAY,

'CAUSE THAT WAS THE ONLY DAY
WE GET TO HIT GIRLS.

AND MY BEST FRIEND ANTHONY
USED TO HAVE

A LITTLE SUPER SOAKER FOR ME,
AND WE WOULD PLAY ALL THE TIME.

AND HE'D INVITE ME OVER
TO HIS HOUSE

AND WE'D GO SWIMMING.

WELL, I'D GO TO HIS HOUSE
AND GO SWIMMING.

HE WASN'T THERE.
[giggles]

HE REALLY DIDN'T KNOW
I WENT SWIMMING AT HIS HOUSE.

- HE'S GONE
FULL ENERGY VAMPIRE.

- I GOT TO GO
AFTER BIG CHICKEN.

YOU GOT THE BALL, ROOK.

- OH, MAN.
HIGH SCHOOL WAS THE BEST.

THERE WAS THIS ONE DAY THAT
I FORGOT MY LUNCH AT HOME.

LUCKILY, MY BIOLOGY TEACHER
WAS LIKE, "HEY, GUYS.

HERE'S SOME FROGS."

AND EVERYBODY STARTED CUTTING
THEM AND I JUST WAS LIKE,

"NAH, I JUST LIKE
TO EAT THINGS WHOLE."

SO I PICKED UP MY FROG
AND I ATE IT.

THEY CALL IT "DISSECTING,"

WHICH IS I THINK IS
THE JEWISH WORD FOR "FEEDING."

- GOING SOMEWHERE?

[knock on window]

- SO WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE?

ME OR YOUR FRIEND?

- ROOKIE!

- HAVE A NICE DAY.

narrator: BUT IN THE END,
IT ALL CAME DOWN TO GARY.

- WE'RE GETTING OUT OF HERE,
ROOKIE.

GO.

- MENTOR!

[clatter]

- ROOK,
IT'S KRAVELLO.

WHAT WAS IT YOU SAID
TO THE KID?

SAME THING ROCKY BALBOA
SAID TO HIS KID.

"IT AIN'T HOW HARD
YOU CAN HIT.

"IT'S HOW HARD
YOU CAN GET HIT

"AND KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

"HOW MUCH YOU CAN TAKE

AND KEEP MOVING FORWARD."

GET UP, GARY!

[kazoo playing
Theme From Rocky]

*

- I MUST BREAK YOU.

- GO FOR IT.

- [grunts]

- HEY, GUYS!
WE DID IT!

- OH, YOU THINK SO, HUH?

WELL, WHERE ARE YOUR TWO BUDDIES
NOW, HUH, ENERGY VAMPIRE?

- THEY'RE IN THE SHED
WITH PAUL.

OR THEIR BODIES ARE ANYHOW.
[laughs]

- [groaning]

[elegiac music]

- * WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE

[thud]

[triumphant music]

*

- IT AIN'T HOW HARD
YOU CAN HIT.

IT'S HOW HARD
YOU CAN GET HIT.

[triumphant kazoo music]

*

- MENTOR GOT HIS SUPER RETARD
STRENGTH BACK.

- HOW?
YOU THOUGHT ABOUT LISA?

OH, MR. TROPHY.

- ACTUALLY, I JUST THOUGHT
ABOUT HOW HE HURT MY FRIENDS.

[both laugh]

[children screaming]

- IT'S JARED
AND THE MISSING KIDS.

[screaming continues]

- WHO RAISED THESE BRATS?

- THIS IS WHY
I HATE ABDUCTED CHILDREN.

THEY'RE SO INCONSIDERATE.

DELINQUENTS!

- I'M EMILY FRANCES
LIVE ON THE SCENE,

AND POLICE ARE EN ROUTE
AS WE SPEAK.

IT'S A BIZARRE
AND INSIDIOUS SCHEME.

MOTORCYCLE OUTLAW
RALPH "BIG CHICKEN" MORELLI

WAS ABDUCTING CHILDREN
TO USE AS SLAVE LABOR

TO BUILD TOYS,
OF ALL THINGS.

WELL, IT TURNS OUT
THE ALLEGED PLAN

WAS TO MAKE ENOUGH TOYS TO WIN

THE SPRINGLE BELL TOY RUN
TROPHY.

A $200,000 REWARD
WAS OFFERED.

- HMM. THOUGHTS?

- [laughs]
IT IS JARED.

- YEAH,
I THINK THIS LOOK

REALLY WORKS ON HIM.
- YEAH.

- OKAY, WE'RE DONE HERE.
I SAID GO.

KIDS.
[laughs]

- GREGORY, YOU WANT TO DO
THIS INTERVIEW WITH ME?

- WELL, THANK YOU, FRIEND,

BUT I NO LONGER
REQUIRE THE ADULATION.

BESIDES,
YOU LIKE WORKING ALONE.

- HELLO.
- HELLO.

WITH ME NOW IS--
IS A TRUE AMERICAN HERO.

THIS MAN SINGLE-HANDEDLY
SAVED DOZENS OF LIVES.

HOW DID YOU DO IT?

- UH, WELL,
IT WASN'T SINGLE-HANDEDLY.

I HAD HELP FROM
MY NEW PARTNER, GRAHAM.

- GARY AND GRAHAM,

WHAT MESSAGE WOULD YOU CONVEY
TO THE RESCUED CHILDREN,

THEIR PARENTS,
AND EVERYONE ELSE WATCHING?

- PLEASE MAKE MR. TROPHY

YOUR NUMBER ONE CHOICE
IN AWARDS.

- MR. TROPHY,
PROUDLY SERVICING

YOUR PLAQUE, MEDAL, RIBBON,
AND TROPHY-WINNING NEEDS.

- WHOO!

- [laughs]

[triumphant music

*

- HELP!

MOMMY, MOMMY.
HELP!

*

narrator: TURNED OUT
THE BUDDIES WERE RIGHT.

IT WAS TRULY
THE BEST SPRING BREAK EVER.

[triumphant kazoo music]

*

- THE LAWN MOVER REALLY HELPS.

[kazoo music]

*

* I GO TO WORK

* ALTHOUGH I HATE MY JOB

* BUT HATING YOUR JOB

* IS BETTER THAN NO JOB
AT ALL *

* I WANT AN iPOD

* 'CAUSE I THINK
THEY'RE COOL *

* BUT I CAN'T AFFORD IT

* I CAN'T AFFORD THINGS
THAT ARE COOL *

*

* I WANNA WORK TOWARD

* A BETTER ME

* BUT CHANGE
TAKES TOO MUCH ENERGY *

* SO WHY TRY?

* IT'S TOO HARD TO TRY

* SO WHY TRY?

* WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE

*

* I GOT TWO FRIENDS

* AND THEY'RE KINDA BORING

* BUT I'M KINDA BORING

* I GUESS THAT'S WHY
I HAVE BORING FRIENDS *

*

* I WANNA BE FUNNY

* LIKE THOSE GUYS ON TV

* WHEN I PULL DOWN
MY PANTS *

* MY MOM DOESN'T LAUGH
AT MY JOKES *

*

* I WANNA WORK TOWARD

* A BETTER ME

* BUT CHANGE
TAKES TOO MUCH ENERGY *

* SO WHY TRY?

* IT'S TOO HARD TO TRY

* WHY TRY?

* WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE

*

* GIRLS ARE REAL CUTE

* BUT I CAN'T TALK TO GIRLS

* I GET REALLY SCARED

* THE PRIEST
EVEN TOLD ME I'M GAY *

*

* I PROBABLY SHOULD SHOWER

* GOT WORK IN AN HOUR

* TO PAY FOR MY POWER

* I'D PROBABLY
GET FIRED AGAIN *

* SO WHY TRY?

* IT'S TOO HARD TO TRY

* WHY TRY?

* WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE

* SO WHY TRY?

* EVERYONE LISTENING TO THIS
WILL DIE *