Original subtitles

- THE LAWN MOWER REALLY HELPS.

[kazoo music]

*

* I GO TO WORK

* ALTHOUGH I HATE MY JOB

* BUT HATING YOUR JOB

* IS BETTER THAN NO JOB AT ALL *

* I WANT AN iPOD

* 'CAUSE I THINK THEY'RE COOL

* BUT I CAN'T AFFORD IT

* I CAN'T AFFORD THINGS THAT ARE COOL *

*

* I WANNA WORK TOWARD

* A BETTER ME

* BUT CHANGE TAKES TOO MUCH ENERGY *

* SO WHY TRY?

* IT'S TOO HARD TO TRY

* SO WHY TRY?

* WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE

*

* I GOT TWO FRIENDS

* AND THEY'RE KINDA BORING

* BUT I'M KINDA BORING

* I GUESS THAT'S WHY I HAVE BORING FRIENDS *

* I WANNA BE FUNNY

* LIKE THOSE GUYS ON TV

* WHEN I PULL DOWN MY PANTS *

* MY MOM DOESN'T LAUGH

* AT MY JOKES

* I WANNA WORK TOWARD A BETTER ME *

* BUT CHANGE TAKES TOO MUCH ENERGY *

* SO WHY TRY?

* IT'S TOO HARD TO TRY

* WHY TRY?

* WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE

*

* GIRLS ARE REAL CUTE

* BUT I CAN'T TALK TO GIRLS

* I GET REALLY SCARED

* THE PRIEST EVEN TOLD ME *

* I'M GAY

*

- WELL... THIS IS AWKWARD.

- NOT AN EVERY DAY OCCURRENCE.

THAT'S FOR SURE.

- I SUPPOSE INTRODUCTIONS ARE IN ORDER.

GREGORY.

- GARY.

male narrator: AND SO BEGAN THE WARM STORY

OF HOW TWO SERIAL KILLERS BECAME BUDDIES.

SERIAL BUDDIES.

GREGORY VON GEARHART WAS A RELIGIOUS MAN.

HE EVEN CALLED THE CHURCH HOME...

BECAUSE IT WAS.

HE WAS A LIVE-IN MAID.

IT WAS SPRING BREAK

AND GREGORY COULDN'T WAIT TO GET HIS WORK DONE.

FATHER CHRISTOPHER WAS ALSO EXCITED...

- [laughs]

narrator: BECAUSE IT MEANT A WHOLE WEEK WITHOUT GREGORY.

- GOOD MORNING, FATHER.

MAY I PRESENT YOU WITH MY FAREWELL EASTER BASKET?

- WOW, SUPER.

JUST PUT IT WITH THE OTHERS YOU MADE.

narrator: MEANWHILE, GARY "BIG MAC" MACARELLI

WAS ALSO GOING TO WORK.

HE WAS PUNCTUAL, STYLISH,

AND AS ONE OF THE COUNTRY'S ELITE TROPHY MAKERS,

HE WAS PROUD TO WEAR THE COLORS.

GARY WAS ALSO EAGER TO FINISH WORK...

[metal dings]

AND HEAD OUT ON A SPRING BREAK OF HIS OWN.

- HEY, CHIEF.

- [snores]

- MARIA.

- NO, NO. IT'S STILL A COLLEGE RING.

YEP.

OKAY.

- RING, RING.

I'LL GET IT.

HELLO? GREGORY SPEAKING.

OH, HI, JESUS, HOW ARE YOU?

YOU LIKE MY EASTER BASKETS?

YOU WANT ME TO MAKE MORE?

I'LL BE SURE TO LET THEM KNOW.

OH, AND GOOD LUCK WITH THE ASCENSION.

ALL RIGHT, BYE-BYE NOW.

- CHIEF, I BLEW THE MOTHBALLS OFF THE OLD SPRING BREAK JUMPER.

HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?

- FATHER, I KNOW YOU AND THE OTHER PARISHIONERS

DESPERATELY WANT ME TO STAY,

BUT I'M AFRAID I'M UNDER STRICT ORDERS

TO BEGIN MY PILGRIMAGE.

- THE CHURCH DOESN'T SEND PEOPLE ON PILGRIMAGES.

IS THAT MY STOLE?

- JUST IN TIME.

GARY, THIS IS MY NEPHEW.

HE WANTS TO BREAK INTO THE TROPHY BUSINESS.

- MY DAD FINALLY SIGNED MY PERMISSION SLIP.

- FATHER, YOU KNOW I FULLY RESPECT THE CHURCH.

WHY, AS AN ALTAR BOY, I WAS PRACTICALLY RAISED

BY THE WANDERING, LOVING HANDS OF PRIESTS.

BUT I'M AFRAID... [groans]

I DON'T WORK FOR THE CHURCH.

I WORK FOR GOD.

- I'M HOPING YOU'LL BE MY MENTOR.

GRAMPS SAYS YOU'RE THE BEST EVER.

KRAVELLO WAS THE BEST EVER.

- ONE AND TWO, AND ONE AND TWO, AND TURN.

narrator: AND THAT'S WHEN FATE STEPPED IN

IN THE FORM OF A NEWS REPORT.

- I'M EMILY FRANCES.

CONTROVERSY IS BREWING

AT LACONIA'S ANNUAL SPRINGLE BELL TOY RUN

FOR UNDERPRIVILEGED YOUTH.

IN ATTENDANCE AT NEXT WEEK'S EVENT

WILL BE INFAMOUS MOTORCYCLE OUTLAW

RALPH "BIG CHICKEN" MORELLI.

RECENTLY PAROLED, BIG CHICKEN LED

THE CHELSEA WHITE DEVILS IN THEIR HEYDAY

WHEN THE GANG, OR "CLUB," RIVALED THE HELL'S ANGELS.

THE WHITE DEVILS ARE EXPECTED TO HAVE GATHERED THE MOST TOYS,

WITH BIG CHICKEN RECEIVING THE EVENT'S TOP TROPHY.

narrator: CLEARLY, THE BUDDIES

HAD DIFFERENT REASONS FOR KILLING.

ONE THING WAS FOR SURE:

THEY BOTH WERE DETERMINED TO GET BIG CHICKEN.

SPRING BREAK HAD OFFICIALLY BEGUN.

ALONG THE WAY,

GREGORY CAME UPON A HAUNTED HOUSE OF ALL THINGS.

[menacing laughter]

TO GREGORY, HAUNTED HOUSES

WERE JUST THE DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND,

AND SOMEONE WOULD HAVE TO PAY.

MEANWHILE, GARY CAME UPON A VEHICLE

OWNED BY A MULTI-SPORT ATHLETE.

[drum beating]

[bell jingles]

- [grunting, choking]

- [wheezes]

narrator: AND THIS BRINGS US BACK TO THE WOODS,

WHERE OUR NEWLY ACQUAINTED SERIAL BUDDIES

WERE BURYING THEIR RESPECTIVE KILLS.

both: I WAS JUST--

YOU GO FIRST.

- JUST A LITTLE ME TIME AFTER THE LENTEN MADNESS.

- I'M ON SPRING BREAK FROM WORK TOO.

HEADED UP TO LACONIA... FOR TOY RUN.

- WELL, THIS JUST GETS CRAZIER AND CRAZIER.

I'M HEADED TO THE SPRINGLE BELL TOY RUN AS WELL.

- WELL, I GUESS I'LL JUST DIG MY HOLE THEN.

- OH, DON'T BE SILLY.

THERE'S--THERE'S PLENTY OF ROOM FOR TWO.

- SIR, YOU FORGOT YOUR WALLET.

[shrieks]

I'M SORRY I FOLLOWED YOU.

- YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THIS, ROOKIE!

- I WON'T SAY ANYTHING! I SWEAR!

[thud]

- BACK OFF, CIVILIAN. THIS DOESN'T CONCERN YOU.

- MY GOODNESS, YOU'RE NOT GOING

TO KILL THE POOR LAD, ARE YOU?

- BACK OFF I SAID!

SO YOU WANT ME TO BE YOUR MENTOR?

YOU WANNA BE MY INTERN?

YOU DO EVERYTHING I SAY FROM THIS MOMENT FORWARD.

PICK UP THAT SHOVEL.

NOW MARCH!

HE WON'T SAY A WORD.

THAT IS, IF HE WANTS ME TO BE HIS MENTOR.

- I DON'T UNDERSTAND. - YOU WOULDN'T.

THE INTERN-MENTOR RELATIONSHIP

IS A SACRED BOND TO WE OLD SCHOOL TROPHY MAKERS,

FORGED CENTURIES BEFORE YOU WERE EVEN BORN.

- OH. [chuckles]

CASTOREUM.

IT KEEPS ANIMALS FROM DIGGING UP THE REMAINS.

WHOOP.

BEAVERS SECRETE IT FROM THEIR CASTOR GLANDS

TO REPEL PREDATORS.

IT'S A WONDERFUL FERTILIZER TOO, HOWEVER.

WHICH KEEPS THE WHOLE PROCESS GREEN.

[chuckles]

- ARE YOU ONE OF THEM SCIENTIFIC GENIUSES OR SOMETHING?

- WELL, IF YOU CONSIDER BEING A SUMMA CUM LAUDE

FROM HARVARD UNIVERSITY A GENIUS, THEN PERHAPS I AM.

BUT A SCIENTIST? A DARWINIAN?

HEAVENS NO. I AM A MAN OF GOD.

- OH.

- NOW I'M SORRY, BUT IN ALL THIS CONFUSION,

I DIDN'T CATCH YOUR NAME.

- OH-- - THAT'S 'CAUSE HE ONLY SPEAKS

WHEN SPOKEN TO.

- WELL, I JUST SPOKE TO HIM.

- I DON'T NEED THAT ON ME.

I DON'T NEED THAT ON ME!

QUIT IT!

THAT'S IT, I'M OUT OF HERE.

I GOTTA GET TO THE SPRINGLE BELL TOY RUN

AND TAKE OUT BIG CHICKEN.

- WAIT, GARY, HOLD UP.

DID I JUST HEAR YOU SAY "BIG CHICKEN"?

AS IN BIG CHICKEN, EVIL OUTLAW JUST RELEASED FROM PRISON?

- AS IN BIG CHICKEN,

PREDICTED TO WIN THE SPRINGLE BELL TOY RUN.

- OH, GARY.

WE SHOULD WORK TOGETHER.

WE--WE DO THE SAME WORK.

WE HAVE THE SAME SPRING BREAK.

AND WE'RE BOTH OFF TO LACONIA

TO TAKE OUT BIG CHICKEN.

AND WE'VE BEEN GIVEN AN INTERN.

OH.

- ME SPEND MY SPRING BREAK WITH A ROOKIE?

YEAH, RIGHT.

LISTEN, OUT OF RESPECT TO MR. PRELL,

YOUR GRANDFATHER AND MY BOSS,

I'M GIVING YOU A RIDE TO THE TRAIN STATION...

AND YOU'RE GOING WITH HIM.

- OH, BUT WE COULD HELP.

- I DON'T NEED HELP.

I WORK ALONE.

- PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY, SIR?

BACK IN THE DAY, ALL GRANDPA PRELL EVER TALKED ABOUT

WAS THE MADCAP ADVENTURES OF GARY "MAC" MACARELLI

AND KENNY "FRY" KRAVELLO.

- DUMB NAMES THE PRESS GAVE MY OLD PARTNER KRAVELLO AND ME.

GRAMPS USED TO GO ON AND ON ABOUT ALL THE RECORDS

YOU GUYS SET FOR ASSEMBLY TIMES.

- NOT TO MENTION ALL THE GROUPIES

AND PARTIES BACK THEN.

OOH.

WHAT'S YOUR POINT, ROOKIE?

- I'VE WAITED MY WHOLE LIFE TO LEARN THE TROPHY BUSINESS,

AND NOW THAT KRAVELLO'S GONE

AND GRANDPA PRELL'S MORE OR LESS LOST IT, I JUST WANNA--

- MR. PRELL IS AS RAZOR SHARP AS EVER.

- [snores]

- DON'T YOU EVER DISRESPECT HIM.

GOT IT?

- SIEG. all: HEIL.

- SKINHEADS.

- SIEG. all: HEIL.

- AS IF THE GOOD LORD HAND-DELIVERED THEM.

MY DOCTOR'S BAG, STAT!

GARY, OUR FATHER IN HEAVEN BECKONS ALREADY.

WE HAVE SKINHEADS UPON US.

RACIST EVILDOERS WHO MUST BE ELIMINATED.

- YOU GO TO IT, BLONDIE.

BUT JUST REMEMBER, ACCORDING TO THE CALCULATOR WATCH...

[watch beeps]

THIS SLED LEAVES IN FIVE.

GOT IT?

- FINE.

narrator: UNBEKNOWNST TO GREGORY,

THESE SKINHEADS WERE FAR MORE DANGEROUS

THAN ORDINARY SKINHEADS.

THEY WERE THE SKINHEADS FOR BETTER TELEVISION.

- WE NEED MORE WHITE PEOPLE SHOWS

LIKE FRIENDS, FULL HOUSE, AND THE HILLS.

all: THE HILLS.

- TODAY, WE DECLARE SKIN-HAD,

BEGINNING WITH THIS LOCAL JEWISH INTERNET FILM CRITIC.

- INTERNET FILM CRITIC? [gasps]

EVERYONE SHOULD BE ABLE TO SEE ME.

GENTLEMEN, GOOD DAY.

MY NAME IS GREGORY

AND I'M CURRENTLY ON A PILGRIMAGE

GRANTING DOOMED SOULS, SUCH AS YOURS,

SAFE PASSAGE TO HEAVEN VIA LETHAL POISON,

WHICH I MIX WITH A TASTY, REFRESHING BOXED FRUIT DRINK

TO CALCIFY YOUR NERVES.

- BOYS, I THINK WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS AN F.P.

- AN F.P.?

WELL, I'M NOT FAMILIAR WITH THAT TERM.

- "FREE PLAY."

THAT'S WHEN YOU GET TO BEAT THE PISS OUT OF SOMEBODY

WITHOUT HAVING TO ANSWER FOR IT.

- OOH.

OH...

- [grunts]

- NOT THE FACE! JUST NOT THE FACE!

YOU CAN'T BUY THIS BONE STRUCTURE.

- DID YOU KNOW THE ROTARY

DOES A SKINHEAD OF THE YEAR AWARD NOW?

- PROBABLY JUST GIVE OUT SOME CHEAP RIBBON OR SOMETHING.

- ACTUALLY, THE--THE WINNER GETS A SILVER TROPHY

WITH A GIANT FIGURINE HITLER ON TOP.

NEXT YEAR, THEY'RE EXPANDING TO INCLUDE SUPERLATIVES.

YOU KNOW, BEST-DRESSED SKINHEAD, MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED,

BIGGEST FLIRT.

- [pained groans]

[triumphant German music]

*

- [grunts]

[growls]

[yells]

- [gurgles]

- [roars]

[panting]

NO TIME TO BURY THE BODIES. GOT A TRAIN TO CATCH.

[shouts]

[radio trilling]

- GARY, YOUR STRENGTH.

IT WAS LIKE... SAMSON.

narrator: SEEING GARY ANNIHILATE THE SKINHEADS

BROUGHT A POSITIVE VIBE TO THE BUDDIES.

IT ALSO MADE GREGORY MISTAKENLY BELIEVE

THAT THE TWO WERE KILLING FOR THE SAME REASON.

- GARY, IT WAS NO ACCIDENT THAT WE MET,

AND IT WAS NO ACCIDENT THAT YOU STOPPED THE CAR

BACK THERE OF ALL PLACES.

AND WERE IT NOT FOR MY CLEVERLY PLAYING POSSUM,

WELL, THEN YOU WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ABLE

TO TAKE THEM BY SURPRISE.

DON'T YOU SEE WHAT ALL THIS ADDS UP TO?

WE SHOULD JOIN FORCES.

- I WORK ALONE.

- HAVE YOU NOT LISTENED TO ANYTHING THAT I'VE SAID?

DON'T YOU SEE IT'S GOD'S WILL FOR US TO WORK TOGETHER?

- GONNA MISS YOUR TRAIN.

- SO THAT'S HOW YOU'D LIKE TO PLAY IT, IS IT?

GARY...

I COULD, OF COURSE, USE MY STANDING IN THE CHURCH

TO BAN YOU FROM RECEIVING HOLY COMMUNION.

- HUH? - THAT'S RIGHT.

BANNED, ALONG WITH DIVORCEES AND WOMEN WHO HAVE OPINIONS.

- OOH.

- I COULD THEN APPEAL TO ANOTHER FORM OF "AUTHORITAY"

AND TELL THEM...

EVERYTHING.

AND I THINK YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN.

- YOU'D WRITE AN OFFICIAL LETTER OF COMPLAINT TO MR. TROPHY?

- INDEED, I WOULD. TO A MR. PRELL, WAS IT?

- YOU'D GO THAT FAR?

- I COULD GO THAT FAR, BUT I WON'T.

CONSIDER THAT AS YOU CAST ME OFF,

SOMEONE PROVEN TO HELP YOU GET BIG CHICKEN.

- [annoying whimpering] MENTOR.

I MAY HAVE A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT THE TROPHY BUSINESS,

BUT I KNOW I CAN HELP.

- THERE'S NO NEED, GRAHAM.

HE WORKS ALONE.

- WAIT!

GET IN.

WE AIN'T GOT ALL DAY.

narrator: IT WAS SETTLED.

THE BUDDIES WOULD JOIN FORCES,

WITH GREGORY BELIEVING THEY WERE KILLING FOR GOD

AND GARY THINKING THEY WERE KILLING

POTENTIAL TROPHY WINNERS.

BUT IT DIDN'T MATTER... YET.

FOR NOW, THEY HAD MORE PRESSING MATTERS.

- [through speaker] WARDROBE CHANGE.

YOU GUYS ARE GONNA LOVE MY NEXT OUTFIT.

BY THE WAY, GARY, LOVE THE JUMPSUIT.

SO FASHION FORWARD.

YOU KNOW THE THING ABOUT MODELING--

[microphone clicks off]

- IN THE CAR NOW!

AROUND THE OTHER SIDE.

THAT VAN'S FULL OF ACHIEVERS.

WE GOTTA TAKE 'EM OUT.

- BUT GARY, THEY'RE JUST FRATERNITY STUDENTS.

- STUDENTS WITH A LIFETIME

FULL OF ACHIEVEMENTS AND CONQUESTS AHEAD OF 'EM.

FINE, I'LL TAKE 'EM OUT MYSELF.

- BUT MENTOR, THERE ARE FIVE OF THEM

AND ONLY ONE OF YOU.

- ROOKIE, IT AIN'T HOW HARD YOU GET HIT.

IT'S HOW HARD YOU CAN GET HIT AND KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

narrator: A LINE FROM ROCKY BALBOA,

A FAVORITE MOVIE AMONGST TROPHY MAKERS.

- SIX 20-YEAR-OLDS.

40 YEARS OF COMPETITION.

2.3 AWARDS PER YEAR.

narrator: AND THAT'S PROBABLY WHERE COMPARISONS

TO GARY AND ROCKY BALBOA END.

- [grunts]

- I MUST ADMIT, I DON'T FULLY UNDERSTAND

THE WAY OF THE TROPHY MAKER JUST YET,

BUT WHAT HE'S ATTEMPTING, IT'S MURDER.

- IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER,

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT YET EITHER.

I SAY LET THOSE JOCKS GO TO THAT SORORITY

WITH THEIR LAME DATE RAPE DRUG

SO WE CAN GET BACK ON COURSE.

- SORORITY? DATE RAPE DRUG?

- YEAH, I HEARD 'EM TALK ABOUT IT ON PEE BREAK.

- [roars]

- I'M COMING, GARY.

- MENTOR!

- I THINK HE MIGHT BE DEAD.

- SELF DEFENSE, BRO.

RIGHT? RIGHT?

- GENTLEMEN, RELAX.

I HAVE A MEDICAL BACKGROUND.

GRAHAM, REFRESHING BOXED FRUIT DRINK, PLEASE.

30ccs OF MEYER LEMON PRUNE.

NO, WAIT, APPLE WALNUT BERRY.

ITS CLOTTING EFFECTS ARE STRONGER.

MM-HMM. OH, WOW.

OH, IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I'VE SEEN A CASE LIKE THIS.

GENTLEMEN, I'M AFRAID I'M GOING TO NEED ACCESS

TO YOUR TEAM'S MEDICAL KIT.

I NEED AN ICE PACK AND A ROLL OF STRETCHABLE GAUZE.

SOMEBODY, PLEASE?

LEAVE ME.

OH, WHY THANK YOU. [slurps]

AND THAT SHOULD DO IT.

TAKE THAT, PLEASE.

- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

ARE WE DONE HERE?

CAN WE LEAVE? - UH, YES.

OH, WAIT.

DEAR LORD, PLEASE FORGIVE THESE BOYS

FOR THE SINS THAT THEY WISH TO COMMIT.

AMEN.

NOW WE'RE DONE.

OKAY, GRAHAM, COME ON.

[strained grunts]

[plays kazoo]

I STUDIED AT THE KAZOO CONSERVATORY...

[plays kazoo]

AND ATTENDED KAZOO CAMP EACH SUMMER,

UNTIL ONE OF THE CAMP COUNSELORS

FONDLED MY KAZOO.

OH.

- YOU--YOU THINK WE SHOULD USE THAT ICE PACK FOR MENTOR?

- OH, NO, NO.

HE'LL BE FINE.

- I DON'T KNOW IF MENTOR WANTS US

TO MESS AROUND WITH HIS EQUIPMENT.

- OH, NO, NO.

THE, UH, STEREO VIBRATIONS AND SO FORTH

WILL HELP ACTIVATE THE NEURONS IN HIS BRAIN.

- WOW, YOU SOME KIND OF DOCTOR TOO?

- WELL, MY GRANDFATHER, FATHER, AND BROTHER ARE,

AND THOUGH I COULD DISSECT A FROG LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS,

IT REALLY WASN'T FOR ME.

WEE BIT OF THE BLACK SHEEP, I'M AFRAID.

- I KNOW THE FEELING.

ALL MY BROTHERS ARE AMAZING ATHLETES.

BUT MR. TROPHY CONSTRUCTED 382 OF THEIR TROPHIES.

I WAS ALWAYS MORE INTO THE TROPHIES THEY WON

THAN THE SPORTS THEY PLAYED.

- NOT THAT CLOSE, I TAKE IT?

narrator: NOT CLOSE AT ALL.

HE MAY NOT LOOK LIKE IT NOW,

BUT GRAHAM'S STEP BROTHER, GOLDEN GRAHAM,

WAS A BIG-TIME TROPHY WINNER.

THESE DAYS, HE WAS MUCH MORE CONTENT TALKING ABOUT THE PAST.

- HEY, STAVROS, YOUR KIDS GOING AWAY FOR SPRING BREAK?

YOU KNOW, PANAMA CITY, CANCUN?

BACK IN THE DAY, ME AND MY BOYS USED TO ROCK FORT LAUDERDALE.

- [speaks Greek] BABY GORILLA.

- FIX THE LAWN MOWER, YOU LOUSY GREEK.

- AH. - AH. AH.

- HI, STAVROS.

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- TO START MY NEW JOB.

- YOU GOT A JOB, BEING MENTALLY DISABLED

SO THE GOVERNMENT SENDS POP A CHECK ONCE A MONTH.

YOU KNOW, BEING BORN STUPID PAYS VERY WELL.

- [sighs]

- AH. YEAH. LIKE A LITTLE BROAD. AH.

GET OUT OF HERE.

YOU LOOK GREAT THOUGH.

BEAUTIFUL OUTFIT. IT MATCHES.

[chuckles] JERKOFF.

narrator: GRAHAM HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO RUN AWAY FROM HOME.

IN MANY WAYS, HIS LAST CHANCE AT HAPPINESS

WAS AT MR. TROPHY WITH GARY.

- FINALLY, HE WAKES.

- SHOW HIM THE BEANSTALK CHART.

- OH, YES.

JUST A FUN WAY TO CHART OUR PROGRESS.

WE COLOR IN A PIECE OF THE STALK AFTER EVERY TEN KILLS,

MAKING SURE TO COLOR THE ENTIRE STALK

BEFORE WE GET TO BIG CHICKEN.

- HUH?

THE JOCKS FROM THE FRATERNITY.

- YES, YOU'LL NOTICE THEY'RE QUITE DEAD.

I INSERTED A LETHAL MIX OF ALCOHOL AND IODINE

INTO THE AIR VENTS.

GARY, HAD YOU SPECIFIED TO ME

WHAT YOU MEANT BY "THEIR CONQUESTS,"

YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE BEEN HURT.

- [sniffs]

IS THAT FOOD I SMELL?

- IT CERTAINLY IS.

narrator: THE SEEDS OF FRIENDSHIP

HAD AT LAST SPROUTED.

- AND, UH...

ONE REFRESHING BOXED FRUIT DRINK, PLEASE.

narrator: INDEED, SPRING BREAK WAS ABOUT TO GO

TO A WHOLE NEW LEVEL.

- ROOK, CRANK THE TUNES.

I NEED TO GET THESE, UH, NEURONS ACTIVATED.

DOCTOR'S ORDERS.

[Black Lips' Bad Kids plays]

*

- * BAD KIDS

* ALL MY FRIENDS ARE BAD KIDS *

* PRODUCT OF NO DAD KIDS

* KIDS LIKE YOU AND ME

* BAD KIDS

* AIN'T NO COLLEGE GRAD KIDS

* LIVIN' OUT ON THE SKIDS *

* KIDS LIKE YOU AND ME

- * IN CLASS - * WE ARE A MINORITY

- TROPHY MAKING'S ALL ABOUT SPEED, ROOK.

DON'T GET CAUGHT NAPPING ON THE JOB.

- * AND STEAL - * FROM ALL YOUR MOTHERS

- * THEY'LL TRY - * TO GIVE US PILLS

- * OH WAIT - * GIVE US ALL THE PILLS

- * GO CRY - * MOM, I GOTTA GO TO COURT

- * DAD WON'T - * PAY HIS CHILD SUPPORT

* WELL, YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND *

* WE ONLY DO THESE THINGS BECAUSE ALL WE ARE IS *

* BAD KIDS

* ALL MY FRIENDS ARE BAD KIDS *

* PRODUCT OF NO DAD KIDS

* KIDS LIKE YOU AND ME

* BAD KIDS

* AIN'T NO COLLEGE GRAD KIDS

* LIVIN' OUT ON THE SKIDS *

* KIDS LIKE YOU AND ME

* LIKE YOU AND ME

narrator: WHILE OUR BUDDIES WERE BUSY BONDING,

THE AREA HAD SEEN A SURGE IN MISSING CHILDREN,

AND NOBODY WAS PAID TO CARE MORE

THAN TV'S KATHIE LEE GIFFORD.

TODAY IN THE COMMON ROOM.

all: LAMBDAS!

- I'M HERE TODAY AS A PAID SPOKESPERSON

FOR GOTJARED.COM

NOW, YOU ALL KNOW THAT JARED WAS RECENTLY ABDUCTED,

AND I THINK IT IS OUR DUTY

TO DO EVERYTHING WE CAN TO HELP HIM.

CAN ANYONE HERE TELL ME WHY?

- BECAUSE WITH ALL GREAT POWER

COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY.

- NO.

BECAUSE IT'S A TERRIFIC TOOL FOR...

[singsong] NETWORKING.

THINK ABOUT IT, YOU'RE OUT THERE,

YOU'RE SELLING YOUR GOTJARED.COM T-SHIRTS

ALL OVER THE PLACE,

AND YOU ARE NOT ONLY RAISING AWARENESS

FOR POOR JARED, BUT ALSO, THE BEST PART:

3% OF ALL THE NET SALES GO TO CHARITY.

[excited murmurs]

3%!

HOW'S THAT FOR RESPONSIBILITY?

narrator: YOU CAN'T HAVE SPRING BREAK

WITHOUT SORORITY GIRLS,

AND YOU CAN'T BECOME A TROPHY MAKER

WITHOUT LEARNING HOW TO SCOOP BABES.

- ROOK, MAKE SURE I'M SECURE.

narrator: GARY WAS ABOUT TO TEACH THE BUDDIES HOW.

TROPHY MAKER STYLE.

- ALL RIGHT, COME HERE.

WE'RE GONNA DO WHAT'S KNOWN AS "THE ANIMAL HOUSE PLAN."

- OH, AS IN THE MOVIE? - OH, YEAH.

ME AND KRAVELLO,

WE HAD THAT ON LOCKDOWN BACK IN THE DAY.

IT'S EVEN EASIER IN TODAY'S INFORMATION AGE.

ROOK, THIS THE SORORITY HOUSE?

- LAMBDA OMEGA MU, ST. A's COLLEGE.

- OH, I KNOW THE VERY SCENE YOU'RE EMULATING.

BRILLIANT.

BUT GARY.

WHY THE BELT?

- 'CAUSE CHICKS DIG CHAMPIONS.

YOU GOT YOUR CORSAGES?

- CHECK. - CHECK-CHECK.

- THEN LET'S SCOOP SOME BABES.

narrator: "SCOOPING" WAS TROPHY MAKER TERMINOLOGY

FOR "HOOKING UP."

- HELLO, LADIES.

- OH, MY GOD.

MISS KATHIE LEE GIFFORD.

BIG FAN.

HERE IT IS.

MORNING TALK SHOW.

COUCH, COFFEE TABLE, YOU, ME.

MOSTLY ME.

- NO.

- UH, MRS. FRANK GIFFORD. - OY.

- I'VE WAITED MY WHOLE LIFE TO ASK YOU THIS.

THE HEISMAN TROPHY--

SOLID NICKEL CHROME OR BRASS DIP?

narrator: LIKE MOST WOMEN, KATHIE LEE WAS HOT

FOR TROPHY MAKERS.

- TROPHY MAKER?

- UH-HUH.

- OH.

OH, GOD.

[breathless] CALL ME.

CALL ME.

- OH!

[laughs]

- CAN I HELP YOU?

- UH, YES.

WE'RE HERE TO SEE FAWN LIEBOWITZ.

- WHO?

- [whispering] LISA DOONER.

- OH, I MEAN, LISA DOONER.

- I THINK YOU'D BETTER HAVE A SEAT IN THE LIVING ROOM.

- DON'T MIND IF WE DO.

- SNACKS!

[clock ticks]

narrator: LIKE ALL TROPHY MAKERS,

GARY HAD MASTERED THE ART OF SEDUCTION.

AND GRAHAM, HE BOUGHT A SHIRT.

- THANKS FOR THE SHIRT.

BEST 70 BUCKS I EVER SPENT.

- NO PROB.

I'M BRITTANY.

- I'M KATELYN.

YOU GUYS ARE HERE TO SEE LISA?

- LISA AND I ARE ENGAGED.

ACTUALLY, WE'RE ENGAGED TO BE ENGAGED.

narrator: GARY AND LISA WEREN'T ENGAGED.

THEY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER.

SEE, IT WAS ALL PART OF THE ANIMAL HOUSE PLAN.

FIND A DEAD SORORITY GIRL...

[both sob]

MEET UP WITH HER GRIEVING SISTERS...

TELL THEM YOU WERE HER BOYFRIEND...

- LISA AND I ARE ENGAGED.

narrator: SO THEY'LL FEEL SORRY ENOUGH TO GO OUT WITH YOU.

- GUYS, I KNOW YOU CAME TO SEE LISA,

BUT HOW ABOUT WE ALL GO GET SOME DRINKS AND TALK?

- BRIT, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO SEE THE GUYS

FROM THE RED KEY TONIGHT.

[low] UH, NO.

FINE.

- IT IS ON.

- OH, YEAH.

- * ONE WILL LIVE IN INFAMY *

[bass guitar music]

narrator: THE LOCAL RON-A-ROLL,

A.K.A. SCOOP CITY.

*

- YOU KNOW, THIS ACTUALLY MIGHT BE FUN.

- HERE'S LITTLE DOGGIE.

HE'S GOING TO THE... POUND!

[laughter]

- PROPER ROLLING ATTIRE.

- THIS PLACE IS AWESOME.

narrator: AND AN OPPORTUNITY FOR GARY

TO CATCH UP WITH OLD FRIENDS.

- * MY ATTEMPTS AT SEX ARE POINTLESS *

* MY BODY BRUISED, BEEN RIDICULOUS *

* I'M A CAUTIONARY TALE

* FOR THE LAZY AND THE BLIND *

* I'M YOUR TWO DELUSIONS

- BUT THEN SHE SAID, "DON'T WORRY,

THESE SLACKS ARE STAIN RESISTANT."

[all laugh]

- [forced laugh]

- OH! OH!

- LOOK. [pounds table]

ONE OF US HAS TO TELL YOU ALREADY, OKAY?

LISA DIED LAST SEMESTER.

narrator: UP TILL NOW, THE ANIMAL HOUSE PLAN

WAS WORKING TO PERFECTION.

BUT THERE WAS ONE THING THEY HADN'T PLANNED ON.

- BUT I BROUGHT THIS PICTURE FOR YOU, GARY.

narrator: EVEN THOUGH GARY HAD NEVER MET LISA,

ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS TAKE ONE LOOK AT HER.

- YOU'RE DEAD?

narrator: GARY WAS NOW MADLY IN LOVE WITH LISA.

- WHY?

WHY, GOD?

OH, NO.

SHE'S A ANGEL.

[heavenly music]

narrator: THE FOLLOWING IMAGES ARE NOT REAL.

- * I WONDER WHERE YOU WILL BE *

* WHERE YOU'LL BE

narrator: THEY'RE FIGMENTS OF GARY'S

INSTANT AND INEXPLICABLE ROMANCE WITH LISA,

AND THEY EXIST ONLY IN HIS DELUSIONS.

- * YOU'LL ALWAYS BE A PART OF ME *

* NOTHING LASTS

* THAT'S HOW IT IS

* SO I'LL SLIP AWAY BETWEEN...*

- GARY, REMEMBER THE ANIMAL HOUSE PLAN.

WE LOOKED ONLINE, FOUND LISA'S OBITUARY

AND PRETENDED TO KNOW HER IN ORDER TO SCOOP GIRLS.

YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW LISA.

- LOOK, WE HAVE OTHER PLANS TONIGHT,

SO IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE?

narrator: WITH THAT, GARY PUT HIS NEWFOUND FEELINGS ASIDE,

FOR IT WAS AT LAST TIME TO SEAL THE DEAL

AND SCOOP THE GIRLS.

- WELL, IF I WERE IN YOUR SHOES, I'D BE--

- LEAVING. WHAT A GOOD IDEA.

both: WHOO!

[both laugh]

narrator: SUFFICE IT TO SAY,

THE BUDDIES' INTERPRETATION OF SCOOPING AND HOOKING UP

WAS, LIKE THEM, IDIOTIC.

[rock music]

*

- I CAN'T BELIEVE WE JUST SCOOPED.

THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST SPRING BREAK EVER.

- * AND I

* YEAH I GOT A BUNCH

* OF HOMEMADE COOKIES

* YOU WANNA EAT 'EM WITH ME? *

- SPEED, KID, SPEED.

- [whimpers] - WHOA.

- * YEAH, WE'RE FRIENDS

* YEAH, YOU KNOW WE'RE PALS *

- * WE'RE TOTALLY PALS

- * YEAH, WE'RE BEST FRIENDS *

* YEAH, WE'RE TOTALLY PALS *

* WELL, THE GIRLS COME AND GO *

* BUT MY FRIENDS, THEY STICK AROUND *

- GLASS, CRYSTAL, ACRYLIC.

- OH, UNCANNY.

- * GOT A BUNCH

* OF HEARTACHE HURTING

* YOU WANNA TALK TO ME

[all cheer]

- OH!

OH!

OH!

- * GOT A BUNCH

- YOU'RE REALLY BRINGING IT!

YOU'RE BRINGING IT HOME!

ROOK!

I GOT SPEED!

- [clears throat]

*

- * YEAH, WE'RE FRIENDS

* YEAH, YOU KNOW WE'RE PALS *

- * TOTALLY PALS

- * YEAH, WE'RE BEST FRIENDS *

* YEAH, WE'RE TOTALLY PALS *

* WELL, THE GIRLS COME AND GO *

* BUT MY FRIENDS THEY STICK AROUND *

narrator: THE BUDDIES WERE CLOSING IN,

BUT OVER AT THE SPRINGLE BELL TOY RUN DONATION CENTER,

BIG CHICKEN WAS CLOSING IN ON A PRIZE OF HIS OWN.

- THIS.

THIS IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.

WE WIN THIS TROPHY--

- AND THEN WE CAN MAKE ALL THE CLOWN FILMS WE WANT.

[chuckles] narrator: YOU HEARD RIGHT.

AS IN PORNOGRAPHY WITH CLOWNS.

AND BIG CHICKEN, WITH HIS WHITE DEVILS,

WERE THE BIGGEST PRODUCERS OF IT.

BUT CLOWN SHOOTS HAD BEEN ILLEGAL

SINCE THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION.

COLLECTING TOYS FOR NEEDY KIDS AND WINNING THE TROPHY

WOULD KEEP POLICE OFF THEIR BACKS

AND AWAY FROM THEIR ILLEGAL CLOWN ACTIVITIES.

- ALL WE NEED... IS OUR LITTLE ELVES...

TO MAKE US MORE TOYS.

MMM MMM MMM.

narrator: ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN,

THE BOYS SETTLED IN AFTER ANOTHER PRODUCTIVE DAY.

UNFORTUNATELY,

EYES WERE STILL UPON THEM.

- AND ON THE LOCAL FRONT, WE'RE JUST DAYS AWAY

FROM THE ANNUAL SPRINGLE BELL TOY RUN.

RIVAL BIKERS ARE POURING IN WITH THE HOPES OF WINNING

THE PRESTIGIOUS SPRINGLE BELL TROPHY.

IN OTHER NEWS, TWO OTHER CHILDREN HAVE GONE MISSING.

- I JUST-- I JUST WISH LISA WAS HERE

TO SEE US GET BIG CHICKEN.

- OH, SHE SEES IT, GARY.

SHE SEES IT.

I-I TOO WISH I COULD SHARE WHAT WE WERE DOING.

MY FATHER AND BROTHER LIVE BUT 15 MINUTES FROM HERE.

- THEY MUST BE PROUD OF YOU.

- OH, OF COURSE.

ALL THEY DO IS BRAG.

MY FATHER WOULD BE MORE PROUD THOUGH, IF I, UH,

IF I WERE PRACTICING MEDICINE.

- YOU COULD. YOU'RE A MEDICAL GENIUS.

- [laughs]

GRAHAM REALLY LOOKS UP TO YOU, YOU KNOW.

- KRAVELLO.

THAT WAS THE GUY TO INTERN UNDER.

- YOUR OLD MENTOR.

WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM, GARY?

IF YOU DON'T MIND ME ASKING.

narrator: MICHELANGELO... DA VINCI...

KRAVELLO.

KENNY KRAVELLO WAS A MASTER TROPHY MAKER

WHOSE RADICAL CONCEPTS WOULD PERMANENTLY ALTER

THE LANDSCAPE OF TROPHY CONSTRUCTION.

THE GREATEST ROOKIE IN THE HISTORY OF MR. TROPHY,

KRAVELLO DISPLAYED TROPHY MAKING SKILLS NEVER BEFORE SEEN,

TILL YEARS LATER, WHEN GARY ARRIVED.

IN NO TIME, THE TWO BECAME

THE FINEST ROOKIE-MENTOR PARTNERSHIP

IN THE TROPHY BUSINESS.

IT ALL APPEARED PERFECT

TILL THE MR. TROPHY COMPANY CHRISTMAS PARTY.

THE MORNING BEGAN LIKE ALL THE OTHERS.

- HEY, CHIEF.

MARIA.

narrator: KRAVELLO, MR. PRELL, AND GARY,

KNOWN AS "THE BIG THREE,"

WERE GETTING READY FOR THE NIGHT OF THEIR LIVES.

- WHOO! GOOD MORNING, LADIES.

[laughter]

FIRST, I'M GONNA START OFF LIKE THIS.

HEY, HELP ME SING IT, HOMEBOY. COME ON.

* SAID COLT 45 AND TWO ZIG ZAGS *

* BABY, THAT'S ALL WE NEED

narrator: IT WAS THE HEIGHT OF THE PARTICIPATION GENERATION--

THE ERA OF EVERYONE GETS A TROPHY

JUST FOR PARTICIPATING.

- * WE CAN TAKE OUR TURN SINGING THEM DIRTY RAP SONGS *

* STOP AND HIT THE BONG LIKE CHEECH AND CHONG *

* AND SELL TAPES FROM HERE TO HONG KONG *

* SO ROLL, ROLL, ROLL MY JOINT *

* PICK OUT THE SEEDS AND STEMS *

* FEELING HIGH AS HELL

* FLYIN' THROUGH PALMDALE

* SKATIN' ON DAYTON RIMS

narrator: IT BECAME A HIGH-STAKES WORLD OF WOMEN...

- [laughs] narrator: DRUGS...

AND TROPHIES.

- HERE'S TO TROPHIES.

narrator: UNTIL... [record scratch]

- OH, YOU DID IT!

YOU DID IT.

- [wheezes and gasps]

- KRAVELLO!

MR. PRELL!

KRAVELLO!

narrator: AND FROM THAT DAY ON,

LIFE AT MR. TROPHY WAS NEVER THE SAME.

- WELL, MAYBE MR. TROPHY CAN GET BACK ON TOP

NOW THAT YOU HAVE GRAHAM.

- WHY?

SO I CAN END UP LIKE KRAVELLO?

WHEN WE GET BACK, THAT KID'S WORKING IN THE FRONT OFFICE.

- BUT YOU'VE BEEN TRAINING HIM LIKE YOU WANT A PARTNER.

- LOOK...

HE AIN'T MAKING TROPHIES ALONGSIDE ME--PERIOD.

NOW LET'S JUST GET SOME SHUT-EYE.

TOMORROW'S A BIG DAY.

- MENTOR WANTS TO PUT YOU IN THE FRONT OFFICE.

WELL, GRAHAM, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO PROVE TO HIM

THAT YOU CAN BE A TROPHY MAKER.

TWO CREAMS, NO SUGAR?

A REFRESHING BOXED FRUIT DRINK?

MENTOR, I'VE BEEN THINKING OF WAYS I CAN STEP UP MY GAME.

- [slurps] - FOR EXAMPLE,

HAVE YOU CONSIDERED CREATING AWARDS

FOR PEOPLE WHO GIVE AWARDS?

IT'S A-- IT'S AN UNTAPPED MARKET.

- [screams]

[anguished grunts]

WHERE'S THE PINTO?

- ALL OF OUR MONEY'S IN THERE.

- [screaming]

- HEY, FELLAS, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

- UH, NOTHING. NO PROBLEM AT ALL.

- MY CARD.

- VINCENT VAN GO.

- UH, VINNY. VINNY VAN GO.

I DRIVE THE OSCO DRUG SAMARITAN VAN.

WE'RE A PROMOTIONAL/COURTESY VAN FOR ROAD EMERGENCIES.

"COURTESY" AS IN FREE.

- HOW CLEVER.

- [laughs]

LOOK, I'VE BEEN TRACKING YOU AND I KNOW EVERYTHING,

EVERY LITTLE DETAIL DOWN TO EVERY DEAD BODY.

THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW, IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU,

YOU'RE GONNA TAKE A RIDE WITH YOUR NEW BEST BUDDY,

VINNY VAN GO.

IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU.

SO DO YOU GUYS MYSPACE?

I HAVE A MYSPACE ACCOUNT,

BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.

[women screaming]

OH, GREGORY?

CAN I HAVE ONE OF THOSE

REFRESHING BOXED FRUIT DRINKS, PLEASE?

I SAID GIVE ME A REFRESHING BOXED FRUIT DRINK!

THANKS. [chuckles]

OOH, OH, GUYS!

WE SHOULD PRETEND TO BE THE A-TEAM.

OH, YEAH. YEAH.

I GET TO BE HANNIBAL. CALLED IT!

NO, NO, WAIT. I'M DRIVING THE VAN.

YEAH, I SHOULD BE B.A. BARACUS,

BECAUSE I PITY THE FOOL!

OH, YEAH, I PITY THE FOOL!

- WE'VE BEEN TAKEN CAPTIVE BY AN ENERGY VAMPIRE.

- YOU GENIUSES AND YOUR IMAGINATIONS.

VAMPIRES ARE MAKE-BELIEVE.

- VAMPIRES ARE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS

BASED ON REAL LIFE "ENERGY VAMPIRES."

INSTEAD OF SUCKING BLOOD, THEY SUCK ENERGY.

- WELCOME TO THE OPENING NIGHT OF MY NEW MUSICAL.

[giggles]

VINNY.

- THE COFFIN-LIKE INTERIOR,

OUR PULSE RATES FALLING WITH EVERY FRIVOLOUS SUBJECT,

THE HEAVY SMELL OF DRAKKAR NOIR--

- [sniffs]

- OKAY, WHO CAN HOLD A NOTE THE LONGEST?

ME FIRST.

LAAAAAA...

AHHH!

AH, MAN!

narrator: VINNY HOPED BUYING THE BUDDIES A PIZZA

WOULD SOLIDIFY A FRIENDSHIP,

NOT THAT THEY HAD ANY CHOICE.

- THIS MISSING KID JARED HAS HIS PICTURE

ALL OVER THE PLACE.

[laughs]

GUYS, WE SHOULD TOTALLY DRAW A HITLER MUSTACHE ON HIM.

- THE BREAD--

IT'S GARLIC BREAD.

THE GARLIC WILL REPEL HIS POWER AND RESTORE OUR ENERGY.

EAT.

- MORE CHERRY COLA, YOU FILTHY WHORE!

NOW, ABOUT ME. [laughs]

NOW, YOU CAN ALREADY TELL I'M A GREAT LISTENER.

THAT'S WHY MY NONIE BOUGHT ME THE SAMARITAN VAN.

- VINNY.

YOU'RE CLOSE WITH YOUR GRANDMOTHER THEN?

- YEAH, I LIVE WITH HER.

- IF YOU ALLOW US TO PART WAYS

AND AGREE TO FORGET ALL OF THIS,

NO HARM WILL COME TO HER.

- YOU GUYS WOULD KILL MY GRANDMOTHER?

- YES. - YES.

- WE WOULD, VINNY. - WE WOULD, VINNY.

- THIS IS GONNA BE AMAZING!

OH, MY GOD.

WHEN ARE WE GONNA KILL HER? WHAT DO I WEAR?

OH, WAIT.

I WANT YOU GUYS TO KNOW THAT KILLING HER

ISN'T GONNA GET IN THE WAY OF OUR GETTING BIG CHICKEN.

YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO PAY FOR GAS.

- DIDN'T YOU SAY YOUR FAMILY LIVES NEAR HERE?

- NO, NO. I WILL NOT ASK MY FATHER FOR MONEY.

- [scoffs]

ANOTHER ACCIDENT?

- OH, NO, MY FRIEND AND I HAVE MERELY BROKEN DOWN.

- HAVE A SEAT IN THE LIBRARY.

I'LL TELL YOUR BROTHER YOU'RE HERE.

- GARY.

OOH.

NICE PLACE.

IS THAT CRYSTAL?

- [whispers] GARY...

- HOW MANY BATHROOMS IN A PLACE THIS BIG?

WHEW.

GRANITE, MARBLE.

- [sighs]

- A LOT OF SHELF SPACE IN HERE.

WHEW.

- THIS ROOM BRINGS BACK MANY MEMORIES FOR ME.

MY BROTHER GARTH'S GRADUATION IN PARTICULAR.

[classical music]

*

- THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU FOR COMING.

REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING. THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- CONGRATULATIONS, DOCTOR VON GEARHART.

- WELL, I COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU, MOM AND DAD,

OR WITHOUT THE LOVE AND DEVOTION

OF MY BEAUTIFUL FIANCEE.

- THE GOOD LORD HAS CERTAINLY BLESSED OUR FAMILY.

- HI, DADDY. HI, MOMMY. [vibrator buzzes]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, INVITED GUESTS.

CONGRATULATIONS, GARTH. REALLY.

AND WINTER.

INSTRUCTION MANUAL'S INCLUDED.

- HE WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

ONCE WINTER AND I ARE MARRIED,

I'M CUTTING OFF ALL CONTACT WITH THIS FAMILY.

I WILL NOT HAVE MY WIFE OR MY CHILDREN

EXPOSED TO THIS...

STAIN.

- GARTH, PLEASE. WE'LL FIX THIS.

- YOU SHOULD'VE FIXED IT

WHEN POOR MOTHER WAS PREGNANT AT 44 YEARS OLD.

- [gasps]

- [sniffs] - [coughs]

- DADDY, CAN I HELP BY HANDING OUT SOME HORS D'OEUVRES?

- SIT DOWN!

- HONEY, LET'S DO A SONG FROM THE CHURCH PLAY.

- WINTER, NOT NOW.

- ONE VERSE. COME ON.

- SON, YOU'RE A VON GEARHART.

YOU LOVE BEING THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.

- WELL, GUILTY.

[laughter]

- [laughs]

- * JESUS IS MY BEST FRIEND FOREVER *

* EVERYTHING WE DO, I DO TOGETHER *

* YOU'RE NOT GONNA FIND HIM ON MYSPACE *

* EVERY DAY BUT SUNDAY HE'S AT MY PLACE *

- * WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WOULDN'T LOVE JESUS? *

* WHAT KIND OF DOUCHE BAG WOULDN'T LOVE THE LORD? *

both: * WHAT KIND OF RETARD WOULDN'T PRAY TO HEAVEN? *

* THE KIND OF GUY THAT NEVER SHOULD BEEN BORN *

- EVERYBODY!

all: * WHAT KIND OF JACKASS

* WOULDN'T LOVE JESUS?

* THE KIND OF GUY THAT NEVER SHOULD BEEN BORN *

- ONCE AGAIN!

all: * WHAT KIND OF JACKASS

* WOULDN'T LOVE JESUS?

* THE KIND OF GUY THAT NEVER SHOULD BEEN BORN *

[cheering]

- MY FIANCE, THE DOCTOR!

- MY SON, THE DOCTOR.

[cheering]

- THAT WAS THE NIGHT I INJECTED MY BROTHER'S SPINE

WITH LIGHTER FLUID,

LEAVING HIM WITH SENSITIVITY IN ONLY THREE FINGERS.

GARTH! HOW LOVELY TO SEE YOU.

AND WINTER.

- [robotic voice] WHY ARE YOU HERE?

- I NEED MONEY.

DADDY.

LET ME MAKE THIS.

I MAKE IT ALL THE TIME AT THE RECTORY.

PLEASE?

- GARTH, WE NEED TO MAKE THIS FAST.

AS PRESIDENT-ELECT OF THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS,

YOU NEED TO MEET WITH YOUR TRANSITION TEAM.

- YOUR BROTHER'S BECOME QUITE THE STAR.

SON OF A GUN MAKES TWICE WHAT I DID WHEN I WAS PRACTICING.

- [robotic voice] AND I AM BETTER-LOOKING THAN YOU.

[laughter]

- [laughs]

- HOW'S THE TEA, DADDY?

THE TEA?

- IT'S ACTUALLY PERFECT.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, I RECEIVED A LETTER

FROM ONE OF YOUR PRIESTS.

YOU'VE BECOME QUITE THE LITTLE HOMEMAKER

AROUND THE RECTORIES.

- SERIOUSLY,

HOW MANY HARVARD GRADUATES WOULD GIVE UP

A CAREER IN MEDICINE TO WORK WITH THE CHURCH?

- [robotic voice] HA, HA, HA.

HA, HA, HA.

HA, HA, HA.

- [laughs]

OH, I THINK YOU MISUNDERSTOOD ME, GARY.

IT WAS MY BROTHER GARTH THAT WENT TO HARVARD.

- HUH?

- [robotic voice] GREGORY ATTENDED COMMUNITY COLLEGE

FOR ONE SEMESTER BEFORE FLUNKING OUT.

- SO...

[lisps] GARWEE.

WHAT DO YOU DO FOR WORK?

- WELL-- - GARY IS AN ENGINEER.

HE WORKS WITH COLORFUL RESINS AND PLASTICS.

UH, HE RECENTLY LOST HIS GIRLFRIEND, LISA.

I'M PROVIDING SPIRITUAL COUNSEL.

IF ANYTHING GOOD HAS COME OUT OF THE LOSS,

IT'S THAT THE TWO OF US ARE ACTUALLY NOW DATING

KATELYN AND BRITTANY-- LISA'S OLD ROOMMATES.

- GREGORY, YOU'RE DATING?

- IT'S VERY EXCITING.

- A GIRL? - YEAH!

- YOU'VE HAD INTERCOURSE WITH HER?

- WHY, WE WERE ON OUR WAY

TO HAVE INTERCOURSE WITH THE TWO OF THEM

WHEN GARY'S CAR WAS STOLEN.

DADDY.

I KNOW I'VE BEEN A CONSTANT SOURCE OF GRIEF

FOR THIS FAMILY, BUT...

[sighs]

I'VE GROWN.

- SON.

MOTHER AND I HAD YOU SO LATE IN LIFE.

YOU WERE...

AN ACCIDENT.

BUT WITH--

WITH YOUR CLEANING,

I-I GUESS YOU'VE FINALLY FOUND

A WAY TO FIT IN.

- DADDY, CAN I PERFORM A LITTLE NUMBER

I COMPOSED FOR YOU AND FOR GARTH?

WE VON GEARHARTS LOVE BEING THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.

GUILTY.

IT'S JUST A LITTLE DITTY

THAT I'VE BEEN WORKING ON...

[under breath] FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS.

* DADDY, DADDY

* HOW I LOVE THEE SO

* DADDY, DADDY

* DANCIN' TO AND FRO [thud]

ALL PART OF THE PERFORMANCE.

* DANCIN' TO AND FRO

* WILL YOU THINK OF ME, DADDY *

* AS I'M DANCIN' SLOW

KAZOO SOLO.

[plays kazoo]

*

- UH, SON...

LET ME GET THE MONEY.

- I DO MORE THAN CLEANING, GARTH.

I DO THE LORD'S WORK.

- [robotic voice] YOU ARE A SOCIOPATH.

[tapping keys]

YOUR ACTIONS ARE DICTATED BY A PSYCHOTIC NEED

FOR ATTENTION AND ADULATION.

YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF FORMING BONDS WITH OTHERS.

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT YOU AND ONE HOUR PHOTO HERE

ARE REALLY UP TO.

- GARY IS MY FRIEND.

- YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, ONLY VICTIMS,

AND ACCOMPLICES WHO END UP AS VICTIMS.

[chair whirring]

- OH. THAT'S OKAY.

[chair whirring]

OH. OW!

OW.

ALL RIGHT.

AAH!

NO, YOU--I GOT IT. LET ME JUST GET YOUR HANDS OFF.

GET--I GOT IT. LEAVE IT ALONE.

[struggling] SHIT.

GOD--

OH. OKAY, FINE. DO IT YOURSELF.

THAT WAS MY FOOT!

[loud crash]

- MENTOR, I KNOW YOU MAY HAVE ALTERNATIVE PLANS

FOR MY INTERNSHIP, BUT IF I COULD JUST HAVE A SECOND--

- NOT NOW, ROOK.

THIS IS WHY I WORK ALONE.

- WELL, THAT WAS A PLEASANT VISIT.

SORRY FOR THE DELAY.

I JUST HAD TO SLIP INTO SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE.

- I JUST GOT WORD ON THE TWO-WAY.

BIG CHICKEN AND THE WHITE DEVILS ARE HOLING UP

AT SANTA'S PLANTATION.

- THE OLD ABANDONED THEME PARK

JUST OUTSIDE LACONIA.

WHY, WE COULD TAKE OUT BIG CHICKEN

BEFORE HE EVEN GETS TO THE SPRINGLE BELL TOY RUN.

NOT BAD, ENERGY VAMPIRE.

- ENERGY WHAT?

[scoffs] AND I THOUGHT I WAS WEIRD.

- JUST TAKE US TO SANTA'S PLANTATION.

WELL, TODAY RINGS ANEW.

WE GET TO RID THE EARTH OF A MOTORCYCLE OUTLAW HEATHEN

AND FULFILL OUR QUOTA.

HEY, GAR?

- OUR QUOTA? FROM HERE ON IN, IT'S MY QUOTA.

- * GOING DOWN TO WHISPERVILLE *

* WHERE THE LIVING LOVE SONGS GROW *

* THEY BEAT THEIR WINGS AND WHISPER THINGS *

* MAN WAS NOT MEANT TO KNOW *

- ALL RIGHT, GUYS.

ONCE WE GET TO SANTA'S PLANTATION

AND TAKE OUT BIG CHICKEN, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO STAY

AND HAVE THE BEST TIME OF OUR LIVES, ALL RIGHT?

WE'RE GONNA DO THE SNOW GLOBE EATING CONTEST,

WE'RE GONNA MAKE CANDY CANES,

AND I WANT TO REENACT THE NATIVITY SCENE, ALL RIGHT?

BECAUSE LAST YEAR, I MESSED UP REALLY BAD.

YEAH, I PISSED OFF ONE OF THE WISE MEN

AND I ATE THE BABY JESUS, OKAY?

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY!

AAH! [tires screeching]

I ALMOST RAN OVER A KID.

WOULDN'T BE THE FIRST TIME, RIGHT?

[laughs]

I GOTTA STOP KILLING PEOPLE.

[gasps]

FRESH CHERRIES?

I'M PULLING OVER.

narrator: EVEN THOUGH THEIR DATE WITH BIG CHICKEN

WAS MINUTES AWAY, VINNY COULDN'T HELP HIMSELF.

HE'D NEVER HAD SPRING CHERRIES.

[thunder rumbles]

- GARY, PLEASE TALK TO ME.

WE'RE FRIENDS.

- OH, REALLY?

BECAUSE THE COMPUTER ON YOUR BROTHER'S WHEELCHAIR

SAID WE'RE ACCOMPLICES.

AND COMPUTERS DON'T LIE. - OH, NO, NO.

ALL OF THAT WAS BASED ON PSYCHOLOGICAL EXAMS

THAT WERE DONE YEARS AGO.

A YEAR AGO.

OH, GARY. I THINK THAT MAY BE JARED.

THE BOY THAT KATELYN AND BRITTANY WERE SEEKING.

SEE?

- OH, NO.

JARED HAS A HITLER MUSTACHE.

- NO, NO, NO. VINNY ADDED THAT.

I THINK IT'S HIM.

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

DO YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION REGARDING

THE OWNER OF THAT THERE TRUCK?

AND WHO'S THE BOY WITH HIM IN THE FRONT?

- LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE,

BUT PAUL-OF-THE-SHED AIN'T THE FRIENDLY TYPE.

SURE DOES LOVE HIS CHERRIES THOUGH.

- IS THAT SO?

THANK YOU, NEIGHBOR.

WE HAVE TO TAKE HIM OUT.

- WOW, YOU SEE THE SIZE OF THAT GUY?

- HE IS UNUSUALLY LARGE.

BUT GARY, YOU HAVE WHAT'S REFERRED TO

IN MEDICAL TERMS AS "SUPER RETARD STRENGTH."

- IT'S TRUE.

I GET AN ABNORMAL SURGE OF ADRENALINE

WHENEVER I GET EMOTIONAL.

- WELL, THEN. COVER ME.

MR. OF-THE-SHED,

YOU'RE HEADED TO HELL, SIR,

BUT I CAN HELP YOU GET TO HEAVEN.

NOPE, I'M AFRAID I CAN'T LET YOU GO,

FRIEND!

[groans]

- HEY, KIDS. LET'S SING A SONG.

* TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR *

narrator: WHETHER IT WAS THE MISSING JARED OR NOT,

PAUL-OF-THE-SHED FLED.

- OKAY, GARY, YOU GOT YOUR REVENGE ON ME.

BUT NOW WE NEED TO GO AFTER THAT DEMON!

- WHY?

- GARY, THE MAN MAY HAVE ABDUCTED A CHILD.

- I WOULDN'T KILL SOMEONE 'CAUSE OF THAT.

- THEN WHAT HAVE WE BEEN DOING?

THE SPRING BREAK OF OUR LIVES, ANSWERING A CALLING

TO PROFILE EVIL PEOPLE AND KILL THEM

SO THEY GET SAFE PASSAGE TO HEAVEN.

COME ON.

- OUR CALLING IS TO PROFILE AND KILL

POTENTIAL TROPHY WINNERS.

- [laughs] LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU'RE SAYING YOU WANT TO KILL PEOPLE

BASED ON THE FACT THAT THEY MIGHT PRECIPITATE

INCREASED TROPHY SALES?

THEN WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU PURSUING

A MURDEROUS CRETIN LIKE BIG CHICKEN?

- 'CAUSE IF BIG CHICKEN WINS THE SPRINGLE BELL TOY RUN,

OUTLAW BIKERS EVERYWHERE WILL BE PURSUING TROPHIES.

narrator: AND WHAT'S WHEN GREGORY REALIZED

THAT HE AND THE BUDDIES HADN'T BEEN KILLING FOR GOD.

- OH, DEAR ME.

narrator: THEY'D BEEN KILLING TO CURB TROPHY SALES.

- ALL THIS TIME,

ALL THOSE INNOCENT...

THE WORLD OF THE TROPHY MAKER, HUH?

THE POWER OF THE TROPHY.

YOU SCREW TOGETHER PIECES OF FUCKING PLASTIC!

- LISA DIDN'T THINK SO.

- OH, YOU NEVER EVEN MET LISA, YOU DELUSIONAL TWIT!

- WHAT ABOUT YOU, MR. COMMUNITY COLLEGE?

YOU'RE ONE OF THEM PSYCHO, BORN-AGAIN, HOLY ROLLERS...

WHOSE FAMILY HATES HIM.

- I KNOW ABOUT YOUR PLAN TO PUT ME AWAY

IN THE FRONT OFFICE.

- WELL, SINCE WE'RE ALL BEING SO OPEN...

[spits]

I STOLE YOUR CAR

SO YOU'D ALL BE FORCED TO BE MY FRIENDS.

- WELL, THAT WAS STUPID.

I FOR ONE, AM INCAPABLE OF BEING FRIENDS...

WITH ANYONE.

ESPECIALLY NOT WITH SOME LOWLY,

SMALL-MINDED, WAREHOUSE GRUNT,

TROPHY MAKER.

- [shouts] OH, YEAH?

WELL, I HATE REFRESHING BOXED FRUIT DRINKS!

THEY'RE GROSS!

[acoustic guitar music]

- * DADDY, DADDY, HOW I LOVE THEE SO *

* DADDY, DADDY, DANCIN' TO AND FRO *

* WILL YOU THINK OF ME, DADDY *

* WHEN I'M DANCIN' SLOW

*

* MOMMY, MOMMY

* HOW I LOVE THEE SO

* MOMMY, MOMMY, DANCIN' TO AND FRO *

* WILL YOU THINK OF ME, MOMMY *

* WHEN I'M DANCING SLOW

* CAN I COUNT ALL THE TEARS *

* WE COLLECTED ALL THESE YEARS? *

* CAN I COUNT 'EM?

- LOOK AT YOU, MAKING TROPHIES.

YOU KNOW WHAT TROPHY YOU COULD WIN?

"GAYEST JUMPSUIT."

[laughs] THAT'S ONE I NEVER WON, PAL.

YOU LOOK GOOD THOUGH.

- * DADDY, DADDY, HOW I LOVE THEE SO *

* DADDY, DADDY, WHY'D YOU MAKE ME GO? *

* DO YOU MISS ME, DADDY?

* 'CAUSE I MISS YOU SO

* MOMMY, MOMMY

* HOW I LOVE THEE SO

* MOMMY, MOMMY, WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO? *

* DO YOU MISS ME, MOMMY?

* 'CAUSE I MISS YOU SO

*

- [sobbing]

*

- I'M CRAZY! COME BACK, JACKOFF!

WHERE THE HELL'S MY BELT? I TOLD YOU I NEEDED A BELT.

[kazoo music]

*

- HEY, CHIEF.

MARIA.

ROOKIE.

narrator: IT WAS COCKTAIL HOUR AT THE VON GEARHARTS.

[lively music]

*

[laughter]

- HEY!

- JUST ANOTHER MOMENT IN TIME WHEN GREGORY DIDN'T BELONG.

- YES!

- [laughs]

[glass shatters]

- [laughs hysterically]

[glass shatters]

[guitar music]

*

- * DADDY, DADDY, NOW I HAVE TO GO *

* DADDY, DADDY

* LEAVE YOU AND MY BRO

* NOW YOU'LL THINK OF ME, DADDY *

* WHEN YOU'RE DANCIN' SLOW

* MOMMY, MOMMY, I GOTTA LET YOU GO *

* MOMMY, MOMMY, IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GROW *

* PLEASE THINK OF ME, MOMMY *

* WHEN YOU'RE DANCIN' SLOW

HELLO, CHIEF.

- [snores]

- MARIA.

CHIEF, I NEED TO SEE GARY.

- HE'S NOT HERE.

YOU CAN LEAVE A NOTE ON HIS DESK.

- "MENTOR."

"MENTOR, I'M TAKING OUT BIG CHICKEN,

"NOT TO CURB THE TROPHY POPULATION,

"BUT TO PROVE TO YOU MY VALUE.

WOOKIE."

narrator: THE OLD ABANDONED SANTA'S PLANTATION--

TOP SECRET HIDEOUT TO THE DREADED WHITE DEVILS.

[radio playing triumphant music]

*

- GARY TAGLER HERE,

ONCE AGAIN, IF YOU'RE JUST TUNING IN,

TWO MORE CHILDREN HAVE BEEN ABDUCTED,

BRINGING THE NUMBER OF MISSING CHILDREN

IN THE AREA TO THE HUNDREDS.

POLICE ARE ASKING FOR YOUR HELP. IF YOU HAVE ANY--

[radio turns off]

narrator: OH, THE WHITE DEVILS WERE THIRSTY ALL RIGHT,

BUT FOR A LOT MORE THAN BEER.

- [blowing note]

narrator: ALAS, GRAHAM HAD FOUND HIMSELF

CAUGHT IN NONE OTHER THAN BIG CHICKEN'S TALONS.

OUTSIDE, GARY TRIED TO SUMMON HIS SUPER RETARD STRENGTH,

AND FOR SOME REASON...

HE COULDN'T.

- [grunts]

[phone beeps]

YEAH, IT'S GARY.

I NEED REINFORCEMENTS.

YEAH.

[phone beeps]

- GARY, WAIT!

I'M SORRY I LIED.

AND I KNOW WHAT MY BROTHER SAID WAS RIGHT.

MY MOTIVATIONS HAVE BEEN SOLELY BASED

ON MY NEED FOR ADULATION.

BUT I'M SORRY FOR WHAT I SAID ABOUT YOUR CAREER,

AND ESPECIALLY SORRY FOR WHAT I SAID ABOUT LISA.

YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HER,

WHETHER IN YOUR MIND OR REALITY,

IS YOURS TO BE RESPECTED.

- AND I'M SORRY I SAID I HATE BOXED FRUIT DRINKS.

I MEAN, I DID NOT LIKE THEM AT FIRST,

BUT NOW I FIND THEM REFRESHING.

AND HEY, IF YOU'RE HERE,

MAYBE WHAT YOUR BROTHER SAID WAS WRONG.

I MEAN, SOME GUYS IN WHEELCHAIRS ARE STUPID.

- IT ISN'T THE TROPHY THAT MAKES THE MAN.

IT ISN'T EVEN THE MAN WHO MAKES THE TROPHY.

IT'S THE MAN WHO MADE THE TROPHY.

- A MAN DOESN'T PUT HIS TROPHY INTERN IN DANGER.

- NO.

HE SAVES HIM.

SO YOU GET IN THERE

AND YOU GO AND GET THOSE TROPHY-MONGER BASTARDS.

- THAT'S JUST IT.

MY SUPER RETARD STRENGTH IS GONE.

- OH.

I CAN'T SEEM TO BRING MYSELF TO POISON THEM EITHER.

MY GOODNESS, GARY.

HAVE WE BECOME HUMAN?

- IT COULDN'T HAVE COME AT A WORSE TIME.

- FELLAS!

THEY'RE GONNA KILL GRAHAM!

- WE KNOW. - YEAH.

- WAIT. HOW DO YOU KNOW?

- [pants]

YOU KNOW BIG CHICKEN'S REPUTATION.

GRAHAM HAD ME DRIVE HIM HERE, AND I DID.

I DROPPED HIM OFF AND I LEFT.

THEN I REALIZED WE'RE SERIAL BUDDIES,

AND WE NEED TO STICK TOGETHER.

AND I HAVE A PLAN TO FIX EVERYTHING

IF YOU'LL JUST TRUST ME.

narrator: VINNY'S PLAN WAS TO INFILTRATE THE WHITE DEVILS

BY POSING AS FELLOW BIKERS.

UNFORTUNATELY, VINNY DIDN'T HAVE ANY BIKER CLOTHES,

BUT HE DID HAVE A VAN FULL OF S&M GEAR.

- I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW THIS STUFF EVEN GOT HERE.

- ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH DAYDREAMING, YOU GUYS.

WE GOTTA SAVE ROOK.

GIVE ME THIS.

[heavy metal music]

- OH, YES.

*

[glass shatters] both: SHH!

- I'M GONNA ASK YOU FOR THE LAST TIME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- OH!

WHO ARE THESE CLOWNS?

[horn honking]

narrator: UNFORTUNATELY, BIG CHICKEN DIDN'T APPRECIATE

HIS CLOWN SHOOT BEING INTERRUPTED.

- SO THIS-- THIS MUST BE YOUR FRIENDS, HUH?

- ACTUALLY, WE'RE BROTHERS IN A RIVAL MOTORCYCLE GANG.

TELL THEM, GARY.

- MY INTERN WAS MERELY TRYING TO MAKE A NAME FOR HIMSELF.

- AND SO WE'RE HOPING THAT YOU'LL FORGIVE

THE WAY JESUS FORGAVE

THE OUTLAW DONKEY GANGS OF HIS TIME.

- WHOEVER YOU ARE,

I DON'T WANT ANY PROBLEMS, OKAY?

SO TAKE YOUR "INTERN"

AND JUST BE GRATEFUL

YOU DIDN'T CATCH UP WITH ME 20 YEARS AGO.

- THANK YOU.

- OH.

PAUL-OF-THE-SHED. DIRECTOR ON THE SET.

- WHAT'S THIS?

- OH, THESE ARE SOME FRUITS. THEY WERE JUST LEAVING.

- BULLSHIT! THESE WERE THE ASSHOLES

FROM THE CHERRY STAND.

- THEY'RE TROPHY MAKERS, BIG CHICKEN!

THEY CAME HERE TO TRY AND STOP YOU FROM GETTING

YOUR BIG TROPHY AT THE SPRINGLE BELL TOY RUN.

- I KNEW WE COULDN'T TRUST YOU.

narrator: GETTING IN THE WAY OF BIG CHICKEN

WINNING THAT TROPHY WAS JUST A DEATH SENTENCE

WAITING TO BE CARRIED OUT.

- I'D LOVE TO SEE THE LOOK ON YOU BOYS' FACE

WHEN PAUL-OF-THE-SHED'S KILLING YOU.

OH, WAIT. I WILL.

HE'S FILMING IT. [laughs]

narrator: PAUL-OF-THE-SHED WAS A GIANT CLOWN DIRECTOR.

WELL, HE WAS 8 FEET TALL.

PAUL ALSO SHOT CLOWN SNUFF.

HEY, THAT'S WHEN YOU MURDER SOMEONE

IN REAL LIFE AND YOU FILM IT!

ALL PAUL NEEDED NOW WAS HIS NEW CLOWNS.

- WON'T BE LONG NOW, SERIAL BUDDIES.

[laughs]

THAT'S A LARGE. NO SAUCE AND COLD SARDINES.

- WHERE ARE MY REINFORCEMENTS?

- I'M SORRY I GOT YOU GUYS INTO THIS.

- OH, NO, GRAHAM.

THIS IS THE LORD'S DOING.

THE CATHOLIC WAY OF "SIN NOW, SORRY LATER"

IS AS MUCH A MYTH AS THE EASTER BUNNY

AND ENERGY VAMPIRES.

[indistinct chatter]

- I TOLD YOU IT WOULDN'T BE LONG.

[giggles] - WHAT?

WHAT?

- ALL RIGHT, I AM AN ENERGY VAMPIRE.

HAPPY NOW? [groans]

- ARE THEY DEAD? - COMATOSE.

NORMALLY, I WOULD'VE TALKED 'EM TO DEATH,

BUT I'VE CHANGED TOO.

- WELL, LET'S BUST THIS JOINT.

- YEAH, WE'RE BUSTING A JOINT.

- A REAL LIFE ENERGY VAMPIRE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU PULLED IT OFF, VINNY.

- FELLAS, WE'RE SERIAL BUDDIES. WE CAN DO ANYTHING.

NOW LET'S GO DRIVE IN CIRCLES

AND HAVE ME TALK AT YOU NOT TO YOU.

- HEY.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST STOP AND TALK AT ME,

ENERGY VAMPIRE.

- AAH!

- GARY'S REINFORCEMENTS FROM RON-A-ROLL

FINALLY ARRIVED.

- YOU KNOW YOU'RE DEAD, RIGHT?

- OH, ABSOLUTELY. - PRETTY DEAD.

- YEAH, WE'RE DONE. - MM-HMM.

- UH, CAN I GET A MINUTE? THANKS!

YOU KNOW WHAT WE GOTTA DO, RIGHT?

- OH, NOT THAT. IT'S INHUMAN.

- WE'RE DEAD ANYWAYS.

- WE ARE DEAD. GOOD-BYE, VINNY.

NOW BITE DOWN.

[crunching] IT WILL BE OVER SOON.

- OH, I'M BORED.

GET 'EM!

[The Monkees' Goin' Down plays]

- * FLOATIN' DOWN THE RIVER WITH A SATURATED LIVER *

* AND I WISH I COULD FORGIVE HER BUT I DO BELIEVE SHE MEANT IT *

* WHEN SHE TOLD ME TO FORGET IT *

* AND I BET SHE WILL REGRET IT

* WHEN THEY FIND ME IN THE MORNING *

* WET AND DROWNED

* AND THE WORD GETS 'ROUND

* GOIN' DOWN, GOIN' DOWN *

* GOIN' DOWN

* COMING' UP FOR AIR IT'S PRETTY STUFFY UNDER THERE *

* I'D LIKE TO SAY I DIDN'T CARE *

* BUT I FORGOT TO LEAVE A NOTE *

[door lock clicks]

* I'M SOAKIN' WET WITHOUT A BOAT *

* AND I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN OFF MY SHOES *

* IT'S FRONT PAGE NEWS

[lasso whooshes]

* GOIN' DOWN, GOIN' DOWN *

*

[rope creaking]

[saw scraping]

[string snaps]

[laughter]

[fan blowing]

* I WISH I HAD ANOTHER DRINK

* IT WOULDN'T BE SO HARD TO SINK *

* I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN TIME TO THINK *

* BESIDES I GOT THE PICTURE STRAIGHT *

* SHE MUST HAVE HAD ANOTHER DATE *

* I DIDN'T NEED THIS EXTRA WEIGHT *

* I WISH THAT I COULD SEE THE WAY TO SHORE *

* I DON'T WANT NO MORE

- I'M SO SOR-- WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR NOSE?

[honks horn] OH! I GOT IT!

I GOT YOUR NOSE! I GOT IT.

I GOT IT. - [screams]

narrator: JUST WHEN IT LOOKED

LIKE ALL HOPE WAS LOST...

[microphone feedback]

[crazed laughter]

[thunder rumbling]

OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.

I WAS WATCHING RACHAEL RAY THE OTHER DAY,

AND SHE MADE THESE AMAZING SPINACH--

LIKE, ALMOST, LIKE, SPINACH LASAGNA ROLLS.

THEY'RE SO GOOD. OH, MY GOD.

I'M HAVING A TEA PARTY LATER, AND I WANT TO INVITE EVERYBODY.

EVERYBODY HERE CAN COME TO MY TEA PARTY.

I'M HAVING SPANISH SPINACH LASAGNA ROLLS.

YEAH, SPANISH BECAUSE I'M ALSO PUTTING JALAPENOS IN THERE.

WHEN I WAS 13, I FINALLY WAS LET OUT OF THE INCUBATOR.

I WAS IN AN INCUBATOR FOR 13 YEARS,

AND IT ACTUALLY WAS KIND OF NICE.

PEOPLE JUST CAME TO ME,

AND I GOT TO PLAY WITH MY OWN STUFF.

- PITY YOU CAN'T MIME TAKING GARLIC SUPPLEMENTS.

- I HATED GYM CLASS, EXCEPT WHEN IT WAS DODGE BALL DAY,

'CAUSE THAT WAS THE ONLY DAY WE GET TO HIT GIRLS.

AND MY BEST FRIEND ANTHONY USED TO HAVE

A LITTLE SUPER SOAKER FOR ME, AND WE WOULD PLAY ALL THE TIME.

AND HE'D INVITE ME OVER TO HIS HOUSE

AND WE'D GO SWIMMING.

WELL, I'D GO TO HIS HOUSE AND GO SWIMMING.

HE WASN'T THERE. [giggles]

HE REALLY DIDN'T KNOW I WENT SWIMMING AT HIS HOUSE.

- HE'S GONE FULL ENERGY VAMPIRE.

- I GOT TO GO AFTER BIG CHICKEN.

YOU GOT THE BALL, ROOK.

- OH, MAN. HIGH SCHOOL WAS THE BEST.

THERE WAS THIS ONE DAY THAT I FORGOT MY LUNCH AT HOME.

LUCKILY, MY BIOLOGY TEACHER WAS LIKE, "HEY, GUYS.

HERE'S SOME FROGS."

AND EVERYBODY STARTED CUTTING THEM AND I JUST WAS LIKE,

"NAH, I JUST LIKE TO EAT THINGS WHOLE."

SO I PICKED UP MY FROG AND I ATE IT.

THEY CALL IT "DISSECTING,"

WHICH IS I THINK IS THE JEWISH WORD FOR "FEEDING."

- GOING SOMEWHERE?

[knock on window]

- SO WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE?

ME OR YOUR FRIEND?

- ROOKIE!

- HAVE A NICE DAY.

narrator: BUT IN THE END, IT ALL CAME DOWN TO GARY.

- WE'RE GETTING OUT OF HERE, ROOKIE.

GO.

- MENTOR!

[clatter]

- ROOK, IT'S KRAVELLO.

WHAT WAS IT YOU SAID TO THE KID?

SAME THING ROCKY BALBOA SAID TO HIS KID.

"IT AIN'T HOW HARD YOU CAN HIT.

"IT'S HOW HARD YOU CAN GET HIT

"AND KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

"HOW MUCH YOU CAN TAKE

AND KEEP MOVING FORWARD."

GET UP, GARY!

[kazoo playing Theme From Rocky]

*

- I MUST BREAK YOU.

- GO FOR IT.

- [grunts]

- HEY, GUYS! WE DID IT!

- OH, YOU THINK SO, HUH?

WELL, WHERE ARE YOUR TWO BUDDIES NOW, HUH, ENERGY VAMPIRE?

- THEY'RE IN THE SHED WITH PAUL.

OR THEIR BODIES ARE ANYHOW. [laughs]

- [groaning]

[elegiac music]

- * WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE

[thud]

[triumphant music]

*

- IT AIN'T HOW HARD YOU CAN HIT.

IT'S HOW HARD YOU CAN GET HIT.

[triumphant kazoo music]

*

- MENTOR GOT HIS SUPER RETARD STRENGTH BACK.

- HOW? YOU THOUGHT ABOUT LISA?

OH, MR. TROPHY.

- ACTUALLY, I JUST THOUGHT ABOUT HOW HE HURT MY FRIENDS.

[both laugh]

[children screaming]

- IT'S JARED AND THE MISSING KIDS.

[screaming continues]

- WHO RAISED THESE BRATS?

- THIS IS WHY I HATE ABDUCTED CHILDREN.

THEY'RE SO INCONSIDERATE.

DELINQUENTS!

- I'M EMILY FRANCES LIVE ON THE SCENE,

AND POLICE ARE EN ROUTE AS WE SPEAK.

IT'S A BIZARRE AND INSIDIOUS SCHEME.

MOTORCYCLE OUTLAW RALPH "BIG CHICKEN" MORELLI

WAS ABDUCTING CHILDREN TO USE AS SLAVE LABOR

TO BUILD TOYS, OF ALL THINGS.

WELL, IT TURNS OUT THE ALLEGED PLAN

WAS TO MAKE ENOUGH TOYS TO WIN

THE SPRINGLE BELL TOY RUN TROPHY.

A $200,000 REWARD WAS OFFERED.

- HMM. THOUGHTS?

- [laughs] IT IS JARED.

- YEAH, I THINK THIS LOOK

REALLY WORKS ON HIM. - YEAH.

- OKAY, WE'RE DONE HERE. I SAID GO.

KIDS. [laughs]

- GREGORY, YOU WANT TO DO THIS INTERVIEW WITH ME?

- WELL, THANK YOU, FRIEND,

BUT I NO LONGER REQUIRE THE ADULATION.

BESIDES, YOU LIKE WORKING ALONE.

- HELLO. - HELLO.

WITH ME NOW IS-- IS A TRUE AMERICAN HERO.

THIS MAN SINGLE-HANDEDLY SAVED DOZENS OF LIVES.

HOW DID YOU DO IT?

- UH, WELL, IT WASN'T SINGLE-HANDEDLY.

I HAD HELP FROM MY NEW PARTNER, GRAHAM.

- GARY AND GRAHAM,

WHAT MESSAGE WOULD YOU CONVEY TO THE RESCUED CHILDREN,

THEIR PARENTS, AND EVERYONE ELSE WATCHING?

- PLEASE MAKE MR. TROPHY

YOUR NUMBER ONE CHOICE IN AWARDS.

- MR. TROPHY, PROUDLY SERVICING

YOUR PLAQUE, MEDAL, RIBBON, AND TROPHY-WINNING NEEDS.

- WHOO!

- [laughs]

[triumphant music

*

- HELP!

MOMMY, MOMMY. HELP!

*

narrator: TURNED OUT THE BUDDIES WERE RIGHT.

IT WAS TRULY THE BEST SPRING BREAK EVER.

[triumphant kazoo music]

*

- THE LAWN MOVER REALLY HELPS.

[kazoo music]

*

* I GO TO WORK

* ALTHOUGH I HATE MY JOB

* BUT HATING YOUR JOB

* IS BETTER THAN NO JOB AT ALL *

* I WANT AN iPOD

* 'CAUSE I THINK THEY'RE COOL *

* BUT I CAN'T AFFORD IT

* I CAN'T AFFORD THINGS THAT ARE COOL *

*

* I WANNA WORK TOWARD

* A BETTER ME

* BUT CHANGE TAKES TOO MUCH ENERGY *

* SO WHY TRY?

* IT'S TOO HARD TO TRY

* SO WHY TRY?

* WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE

*

* I GOT TWO FRIENDS

* AND THEY'RE KINDA BORING

* BUT I'M KINDA BORING

* I GUESS THAT'S WHY I HAVE BORING FRIENDS *

*

* I WANNA BE FUNNY

* LIKE THOSE GUYS ON TV

* WHEN I PULL DOWN MY PANTS *

* MY MOM DOESN'T LAUGH AT MY JOKES *

*

* I WANNA WORK TOWARD

* A BETTER ME

* BUT CHANGE TAKES TOO MUCH ENERGY *

* SO WHY TRY?

* IT'S TOO HARD TO TRY

* WHY TRY?

* WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE

*

* GIRLS ARE REAL CUTE

* BUT I CAN'T TALK TO GIRLS

* I GET REALLY SCARED

* THE PRIEST EVEN TOLD ME I'M GAY *

*

* I PROBABLY SHOULD SHOWER

* GOT WORK IN AN HOUR

* TO PAY FOR MY POWER

* I'D PROBABLY GET FIRED AGAIN *

* SO WHY TRY?

* IT'S TOO HARD TO TRY

* WHY TRY?

* WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE

* SO WHY TRY?

* EVERYONE LISTENING TO THIS WILL DIE *