All language subtitles for 800.Words.S02E12.Episode.12.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-KiNGS-eng

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

[ Insects chirping ]

♫ I don´t know why I know ♫

♫ When I go ♫

GEORGE: They say that what
you don´t know can´t hurt you,

that ignorance is bliss.

But ignorance is also
a hand grenade...

with the pin waiting
to be pulled.

♫ Oh, my wandering ways ♫

Okay.

This is nice.

I thought we deserved
a little luxury.

Oh.
Nice view!

Mine´s even better.

Did I mention that I like it
when you come over all romantic

with your crazy plans?

You mean a kid-free weekend
in the Big Smoke

with a beautiful woman,

to introduce her
to a true Australian icon?

-James Reyne.
-In concert.

Could life get any better?

Always.
Champagne.

-Room service.
-True.

Although room service requires
an appetite.

Not hungry?

Could be.

[ Cellphone ringing ]

Uh, just...
Just, uh, hold that thought.

-It´s Arlo.
-Kid-free, huh?

I told him not to call
unless it was important.

Arlo.

Hey.
Do we have any sumac?

-Sumac?
-Yeah. Sumac.

-You know... the spicy stuff.
-I know what it is.

But why are you calling me
on my weekend away from you guys

to ask if... if I have sumac?

I know.
It´s just I swear we had some.

-I don´t think we do.
-There´s some at the Boat Club.

Fiona says you can get some
from the Boat Club.

Oh, cool.
All right. Ta.

You must be cooking something
very flash if you need sumac.

You know, with the kitchen
to myself,

it´s the perfect chance
to experiment.

I don´t think Shay´s that big
on sumac, actually.

Good to know. Don´t want to
disturb you any more.

-Bye.
-Bye.

-He wasn´t suspicious?
-Why would he be?

-He asked about the cooking.
-Dad knows I like cooking.

But I´m supposed to be
at Fiona´s, and she´s with him.

SHAY:
Relax.

Dad is so distracted with
your Auntie Fiona these days.

He won´t be picking up
on that stuff.

I thought you guys were going
to Ike´s place for the weekend.

Were... Were we?

Yeah, to plot the downfall
of Sean at the council

over at Ike´s place.

Oh, but, uh, Ike´s caravan
is very cramped,

so we thought we´d just hang out
with you guys instead.

No way.
We had a deal.

Okay.

How about
instead of three months,

I don´t have to do housework
for six months?

Okay.

Okay.
We´ll get out of your hair, bro.

Shh.
I´m negotiating.

Have fun.

Fine. We´ll leave you two rebels
to your love fest.

Yeah.
Just not a word to anyone.

Don´t worry.
No one ever need know.

As long as you use protection.

Whoa.
Just go.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

So at this point,
let´s raise our glasses

and take a moment
to remember Norma.

Why?

Well, I remember her soft,
sweet side.

The nurturer, the feeder.

To Norma.

Hey, Arlo.
Come here.

Did George and Fiona get away
on their dirty weekend?

Uh, they went to the concert,
yes.

Yeah.
And the rest, eh?

Woody, don´t embarrass
the poor boy.

You´re not embarrassed.

Nothing embarrasses me anymore.

And excuse me.

See?
He´s not embarrassed.

-We need another round.
-I´ll get it.

Sumac?

Yeah.
Fiona said I could borrow some.

Why are you cooking fancy

if George and Fiona
are out of town?

It´s the perfect opportunity
to practice my culinary skills.

Or you could be hanging out
with kids your own age.

Why?

Because then you wouldn´t sound
so tragic and alone.

Well, I guess I am a tragic
and alone kind of guy.

All right, then.

Knock yourself out, tiger.

They want another round.
Thanks.

[ Garrett Kato´s
"Love Is an Advert" plays ]

♫ So I fell in love
with the dream last night ♫

♫ Dream last night of you ♫

♫ We moved so fast
down the open road ♫

♫ Felt like time
was slowing down ♫

♫ And so she said,
"Well, be here now ♫

♫ Now is all you need" ♫

♫ And early in the morning
when the sun came up ♫

♫ He said "Feel a part
of everything" ♫

Ah.
You look precious.

Thank you very much.
Ooh! Thank you.

[ Music continues ]

I haven´t done this for ages.

What, indulged in ice cream?

Not that ice cream
is an indulgence,

being one of the necessary
food groups.

No. Snuck away.
Left the kids behind.

I mean, I love my children,
but...

No one would ever question that,
George.

But now they´re old enough
to look after themselves,

I can...
I can do stuff for myself.

It´s liberating.

Having never been a parent,
I will have to take your word.

Being an auntie, I´ve always
been able to hand them back

at the end of the day.

Well, I wouldn´t have
it any other way.

But coming out the other side...
it has its attractions.

[ Birds chirping ]

-Hey. Sorry that took...
-Don´t move.

-Why are you on the chair?
-Because of that.

Whoa!
What is that?

I-I´m pretty sure it´s a weta,
but it´s so big.

-Is it dangerous?
-Look at it. It looks dangerous.

ARLO: I thought there was
nothing poisonous here.

Maybe the big ones are.

Do something.

Okay.

[ Cellphone ringing ]

It´s Arlo again.

What were you saying
about freedom?

[ Sighs ]

No, we don´t have any saffron,
either.

Hey.
Sorry to interrupt.

-Again.
-Yes, again.

But, um, are you completely sure

there are no venomous insects
in New Zealand?

Positive. Why?

Well, there´s a very large,
very freaky thing on the chair.

Well, if it´s an insect,
it´s probably a weta.

Right. And you´re definitely
sure they´re not venomous?

-[ Screams ]
-Who was that?

-Uh, Shay.
-Didn´t sound like Shay.

Okay. It wasn´t.
It was a friend.

A friend by the name of Emma,
by any chance?

-FIONA: Emma?
-GEORGE: Arlo, what´s going on?

Put her on.

It´s Fiona.

Hello?

I assume your mother
doesn´t know that you´re there.

-She knows I´m in Weld.
-Uh-huh.

At your place.

Wow.
I am seriously unimpressed.

Sorry.

-I should ring your mum.
-Please don´t.

Well, lucky for you,
you´re in luck.

I´m not going to.
Do you know why?

Because she´ll go
totally mental?

Exactly, and I´ll be involved.

And I´m not having
my holiday ruined

by a thoughtless teenager.

Thank you?

What about
the really scary insect?

It sounds like a damn weta,
Emma.

Let it crawl onto something

and tip it off that something
into the garden

and stop being a bloody wimp.

You want to go back?

To Weld?
No way.

We have a concert to go to
and freedom to be enjoyed.

At least we know all Arlo
and Emma are doing is cooking.

That´s not all they´re doing,
but we have a concert to go to.

Take me to your icon.

That was awesome.

You really are an amazing cook.

Well, there´s dessert
if you´re keen.

Definitely.

But, um, first...

Uh, y-you know
I really like you, right?

And I really like you.

Cool.

Uh...

There´s something I need to ask.

What?

[ Vehicle approaching ]

What is that?

Is that the question?

-[ Vehicle door opens, closes ]
-No. But yes.

W-What is that?

Uh, I don´t know.

But it is coming
from our driveway.

[ Vehicle door closes ]

[ Up-tempo music playing ]

Uh, why are you here?

-For the party.
-There´s no party here.

Yes, there is.

The one to stop you being
so tragic and...

Oh.
Not so alone after all.

Obviously.

So you can just take your party
somewhere else.

But your dad´s not here.

-Yeah. So?
-So you have a license to party.

No, I don´t.

No. You have to.
It´s law.

W-What law?

Numpty law.
Unwritten but non-negotiable.

Sorry.

-Arlo says bring it on!
-[ Cheers and applause ]

Respect, Arlo.

Cheers, mate.

[ Bottles clanking ]

Thanks, mate.

[ Up-tempo music playing ]

[ Shutter clicking ]

No, you can´t use my bed just
because it´s better than yours.

All right. Funny. Not.
Listen.

A spontaneous party
has descended on home.

What do you mean?

Ollie and Lindsay,
they just kind of arrived.

The numpties.
Classy.

What do you want me to do
about it?

Maybe come and kick them out?

Arlo, you wanted the house
to yourself.

-It´s your responsibility.
-Yeah, but...

Do you really want to be the guy
who asks his big sister

to come and shut it down?

Do you want to be
that tragic guy?

Yeah.
I´m okay with tragic.

Not that tragic.

Look. Relax, enjoy the party,
and try not to break stuff.

[ Music continues ]

Everything all good?

My brother is
socially challenged.

Well, maybe he should get a job
with Sean at the council.

Are you guys still at war?

Okay.

We... We filled out
the application form, right,

to create the mural.

We were supposed to hear back
in three days.

It´s been nine.

Stalling tactics.

So what can we do?

Call him on it.

Go in and tell him
his job´s on the line.

How is his job on the line?

He´s a civil servant.

You, the citizens,
pay his wages,

and because of that,
you have rights.

Yeah.
Without us, he has no job.

Exactly.

He´s a bureaucrat

paid to lubricate the wheels
of civic opportunity.

I like your thinking, Zac.

Sean is your servant,
and servants do as they´re told.

[ Dice rattle ]

[ Up-tempo music playing ]

-Whoo!
-Oh!

ALL:
Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot!

Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot!

Shot! Shot! Shot!

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Hey, Arlo.
-Ollie.

-Where´s Shay?
-Uh, at Ike´s.

OLLIE: Oh, yeah?
How are they getting on?

Uh, they´re fine.

No, really.
How´s... How´s she getting on?

Fine, Ollie.

I don´t think Ike is right
for Shay.

If you know what I mean.

I need a glass of water.

Hey. Hey.
Come with me.

Over here.

[ Music continues ]

-Well, you´re enjoying yourself.
-I am.

Lindsay´s fun
in a screwed-up kind of way.

Arlo, what are you doing?

Do you want to mess around
in your dad´s bed?

That´s kind of...adventurous.

Uh, I-I just think you might be
a bit drunk right now.

But I came here to be with you,
so let´s be with each other.

-[ Computer chiming ]
-Ignore it.

Uh, hey.

Let´s not do this...
You know, like this.

If you say so.

What do you want to do instead?
Go back to the party?

Uh, no.
No.

Um...tell me what you
were gonna ask me before.

[ Computer chiming ]

Wow.
That sounds weirdly intense.

So the question.

-The thing is...
-[ Chiming continues ]

-No. Shh, weird sound!
-It´s Aunt Jan.

She´ll be wanting to speak
to your dad, not you.

Yeah, but...

Uh, what were you saying?

Oh, yeah.
The thing is, I really like you.

You said.
And me too.

-Oh, yeah.
-[ Chiming continues ]

Oh!
What does she want?!

[ Mouse clicks ]

Hey, Jan.

Arlo, hi.
Nice to see you.

Uh, yeah. You too.
What´s up?

Oh, nothing.
I was hoping to catch George.

He´s gone to Auckland for
the weekend to see James Reyne.

James Reyne.
Whew. That takes me back.

He´s trying to convert Fiona.

Of course.
Yeah.

Well, uh, it can wait.
Nothing important.

Are you sure?
You did ring three times.

I did.
Silly me.

It was just about...

His column?

Yes.

His last column was very good.

You do know it was about
the physics of the perfect wave?

Yeah.
It was just...so moving.

Okay.
Well, I´ll pass that on.

[ Voice breaking ]
Okay. Great. Thanks. Bye.

Okay.

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Shutter clicks ]

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

Hey. You... You need to
come home right now.

Arlo, they´re your friends.
Deal with it.

No. Listen.
You have to come home.

And without Ike.

-Why?
-Just do it.

[ Music continues ]

To James Reyne, my
second-favorite Australian icon.

[ Chuckles ]

-You´re a convert?
-I´m a convert.

That song "Reckless"...
Always loved it.

-Never knew who sung it.
-Mm.

If ever there was a song
to make an Aussie homesick.

Maybe I´ll give Arlo
a quick call.

They´re teenagers, George.

Did you never tell a white lie
when you were a teenager?

It was a bit more
than a white lie.

They´ll be fine.

And it´s our weekend away.

I guess.

So...a movie or, um,
room service or...

Mm.
Could make us sleepy.

Which would prevent us...

from taking advantage
of this wonderful hotel.

Yeah, and that would be
a travesty.

[ Up-tempo music playing ]

[ Laughs ]

Emma´s made a new friend.

ARLO:
Uh, yeah.

And now, thanks to Lindsay,
she´s blind drunk.

This is quite a party you´ve
put together, little brother.

Big ups.

Forget this.
This is nothing.

SHAY:
Okay. Maybe she´s put on weight.

Shay, that is not a beer gut.

That´s a baby bump, right?

-Could be bloating.
-What´s bloating?

Middle-aged people
always moan about it.

She FaceTimed three times

and then cried over Dad´s column
about stupid waves.

That is not Jan.

That is a woman crazy
with hormones.

No way.

ARLO:
She´s got to be pregnant.

And if she is,
you know what that means, right?

You think Dad knows?

[ Explosion ]

What the...

Okay.
That was so intense.

All good, folks.
But, uh, stay back.

What the hell happened?

Bit of a barbecue malfunction.
Gas bottle must have had a leak.

Don´t worry, though.

Peak danger has passed,

and I can hold it
until the boys arrive.

Hey, Shay.
How´s it going?

Wait.
What boys?

[ Siren wailing ]

[ Cellphone ringing, buzzing ]

Hello?

MONTY:
George.

I´m happy to report
it´s all under control.

Monty?

We managed to put the fire out
before we damaged your house.

Fire?

Although because it´s
a, uh, a gas fire,

we´ve had to, uh,
deploy the foam unit.

Which I have to say
was a total success.

Uh, we don´t get to use the foam
very much.

But it really was, uh,
really effective.

-And fun.
-[ Shutter clicks ]

Monty?
M-Monty?

[ Cellphone ringing, buzzing ]

-Hello?
-TOM: Sorry to disturb you.

But as Emma´s appointed guardian
in Weld,

I thought you should know.

-Know what?
-That she´s fine.

Now.

She was drunk
bordering on disorderly

and is now sleeping it off.

Sorry.
Did... Did you just say drunk?

Oh, very much yes.

I will kill her.

I swear I will kill her.

You, miss, are going home
to face the music.

I expected more.
I really did.

Okay. Yeah. I´m sorry, Dad.
But we...

N-No.
Just... Just listen.

I thought you two
were old enough to leave alone

and handle things responsibly,
but you let me down.

Fair enough, and I am sorry.
But we were distracted.

-By what?
-Something quite distracting.

Is that the best you´ve got?

It is something quite big.

And this is after
she was weeping,

apparently over
your wave column.

That...bump could be anything.

ARLO: Dad, she was crying
for no reason.

And don´t say it was
because of your column,

because we all know
that isn´t true.

SHAY: I remember Mum telling me
she cried a lot for no reason

when she was pregnant with Arlo.

-She hasn´t said anything?
-Unh-unh.

Well, maybe that´s
why she was calling.

Or maybe something´s happened
that has got her upset.

And also given her a fat belly.

ARLO:
Dad, if Jan is pregnant...

-Which we don´t know she is.
-Yeah.

But if she is, then it´s yours.

Best we find out.

Oh, please say you´re gonna be
careful how you word this.

ARLO:
Oh, yeah, Dad.

Asking a woman if she´s pregnant
is very dangerous.

-Or so I´ve heard.
-Yeah, I´ve got that much.

And this does not deflect from
what happened here last night.

So in the meantime,
go out and clean up your mess.

Your mess.

Go on.

[ Computer chiming ]

Hi, George.

Taylor-Rose.
I-I was hoping for Jan.

She´s out of the office...
Again.

Right.

She´s at the doctor´s.

I-Is she unwell?

I don´t know how much I can say.

Why not?

Her last words
before she left were,

"If George calls,
don´t say anything to him."

She specifically said that?

Something about
trying to call you last night

when she was a real mess.

Her words, not mine.

So does this mean it´s yours?

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

I mean, she´s pregnant, right?
Everyone can tell. It´s obvious.

And Dr. Chan...
He´s a baby doctor.

So is it yours?

Or did she meet someone
when she was over there?

Hello?

Um, no.
She hasn´t spoken to me.

You´re not after an extension
on your deadline, are you?

Because she gets really cranky
these days.

No, I´m not.
Thank you, Taylor-Rose.

Oh.

[ Music continues ]

It appears that Jan
may indeed be...pregnant.

You spoke to her?

No.
But the evidence is there.

So...the baby will be yours,
then?

I...I guess that is
probably likely.

Probably?
Has she got a new boyfriend?

Not that I know of.

But she, uh, she was having
an affair with her boss

before she came to Weld, so...

So it could be his, then?

I don´t know.

I know as much as you do,
which is...not that much.

JAN: Hi. You´ve called Jan.
Please leave me a message.

Voicemail.

I think we should keep this
to ourselves

until I find out a bit more,
all right?

So I shouldn´t mention it
at work, at the Boat Club,

which is where I need to go
soon, to Fiona?

That might be best, yeah.

Great.

I´ll finish cleaning up.

Yeah.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Thud, keys clatter ]

I give you credit
for showing up.

It is my job.

For now.

Meanwhile,
guess what I´ve been doing.

Well, you drove Emma
back to Stafford.

And then I cleaned the puke
out of my car.

She threw up three times.

It had this strange, lemony,
spicy smell.

I couldn´t place it.

And then I realized
it was sumac.

Thanks for that, by the way.

And then I cleaned out my ears
from the grief my sister gave me

for delivering home
a very grumpy

and green-around-the-gills
niece.

Honestly, it was meant to be
a-a quiet night at home,

and we were gate-crashed
by Lindsay.

She just happened to know you
were home and George was away.

This is Weld.
People find things out.

You can try to hide stuff,
but it never works.

Yeah.
Well, lesson learned.

But you can kiss goodbye to any
more secret meetings with Emma,

because knowing my sister,
she´s gonna be in lockdown

from now till she´s 21.

I take full responsibility
for not shutting down the party,

but I didn´t get Emma drunk.

-I´m not into that.
-Too late, Arlo.

We were hijacked.

Well, what´s done is done.

I just hope you´re more onto it
about other things.

Like what?

Taking precautions.

Oh, no. Please.
We´ve already had that lecture.

Good, because my sister
would put your head on a pike.

And secondly, you´d probably
break your father´s heart.

I don´t recall receiving an
application form for the permit.

We filled it in right there
and placed it exactly there.

So how could you not
have received it?

-You put it in this tray here?
-Yes.

But that´s not the right tray
to reach the permitting officer.

That tray is the in-tray
for intraoffice communication.

In order to reach me
for permitting issues,

it would have to have been put
in this tray,

the external communication
in-tray.

-How were we to know that?
-By asking me.

There was no one here
when we put it in the tray.

Our understaffing issues aside,
you´ll have to fill out another.

This is deliberate obstruction.

No.

It´s offering you an opportunity
to rectify your mistake.

You should remember

that we are the people
you are paid to serve.

We pay your wages.

Unlikely unless
you´re ratepayers.

Are you a ratepayer?

You?
You a ratepayer?

-Our parents are.
-Not quite the same, is it?

You´ll have to fill this out.

Can´t you just find the one
that we already filled in?

That would mean going through
all the in-trays.

I don´t have time for that.

This time put it
where I can see it.

Where you can see it?

Yes.

JAN: Hi. You´ve called Jan.
Please leave me a message.

Damn.

Only me.
Hey.

-Woody.
-Heard about the fire.

Thought I´d scope out
the damage.

Yeah.
Don´t worry about it.

Honestly, I´m happy to do a
builder´s report for insurance.

It´s fine.

But I had a bit of a gander
on the way in.

It does not look good.

Woody, we´re all good, okay?

Got ya.
Stressful time.

Maybe I´ll come back later.

Sure.

-FIONA: Oh, Woody.
-Hey. How was the concert?

James Reyne.
What an icon.

FIONA:
The concert was great.

Shame you had to
come back early, but.

Oh.
Teenage antics.

Well, we were all teenagers
once.

Sometimes I still feel
like I am.

A teenager.

[ Cellphone ringing ]

You gonna get that?

Oh, that will just be
work stuff.

-I´ll call them back.
-Jan?

Uh, yeah.
Probably.

[ Ringing continues ]

Woody´s here
to assess the damage.

What?

Yeah.
Yeah.

-Should we go take a look?
-Yeah.

Kids, eh?

That could have been a whole lot
worse, I´m telling you.

If the flames had got hold
of the house...

Yeah, I know.
I know.

Be thankful for small mercies,
I guess.

[ Cellphone ringing ]

You don´t want to get that?

She´s probably just chasing up
the column. It can wait.

Well, I better love youse
and leave youse.

I´ll see if I can track down
a new barbie for you, mate.

-Don´t worry about that.
-What?

A man without a barbie
is like...

a pram without a baby.

-Yeah. Thanks, Woody.
-No worries.

So...

Okay. I think we need to have
a bit of a talk.

Uh-huh?

I gave Arlo a bit of a lecture
about what happened,

and I may have overstepped
the mark.

Oh.
I´m... I´m sure it´ll fine.

No, I mean I may have come over
as slightly parental,

which I know is not my role.

Arlo will see it
for what it was.

I didn´t mean to blur the lines
of the relationship.

Don´t worry yourself.

George, I reprimanded
your child.

It´s not my place.

You were affected
by his actions.

You´re entitled to express that.

Oh.

Okay.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Come for dinner tonight.
We can talk about it more.

-You don´t want to talk now?
-I´ve got to get back.

Oh. Jan.
Right.

-Deadlines.
-Tonight, then.

It´s a date.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

[ Door closes, engine starts ]

JAN: Hi. You´ve called Jan.
Please leave me a message.

[ Groans ]

Hi.

What do you want?

Things got a bit out of hand,
eh?

Yeah.
Thanks for that.

I was making sure your social
standing in Weld was good.

And after that,
it is officially solid.

I really don´t care.

Come on.

With the barbecue exploding,

the fire brigade coming
and the police,

it´s been rated
a 10-out-of-10 party.

Lindsay, I really don´t care.

You ruined my weekend.

I really wanted to have fun with
Emma, and you screwed that up.

But Emma had fun.
She´s cool.

Yeah, she is, and now
she´s under house arrest.

And I really don´t want or need
your social approval.

Maybe not.

Remember, though, that Emma
isn´t around much of the time.

But I am.
And I´m fun, right?

No, no, no.

No, I´m not playing your games
anymore, Lindsay,

´cause I´m not interested
in following you around

like the stupid puppy dog
I used to be.

You know, you´re cute
when you speak your mind.

You have no idea
what is on my mind.

Uh-huh.
Well, I´m sorry.

No, you´re not.

You know, my whole world
is totally messed up right now.

So you can just back off.

I get that this is a great idea.

It is.

But it may be too great.

Art can never be too great.

You all right?

Yeah. Sorry.
It´s just...

All we´re doing is filling in
the form like we were told to.

What could be so wrong
with that?

[ Crane whirring, beeping ]

Hi, Jan.
It´s me... again.

It would be really, really good
if you gave me a call.

[ Computer chiming ]

[ Exhales deeply ]

This is not how I wanted you
to find out. I promise.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

So it´s true, then?

Yes, George.
It´s true.

I´m pregnant.

Were you planning on telling me?

Of course I was gonna tell you.

To be fair,
I didn´t find out for weeks.

And then there was a period
of getting used to the idea,

and then there was...

There was a period of summoning
the courage.

So...how far along are you?

You mean are you the father?

It´s a fair question, isn´t it?

Yes, George.

You could be.

Could?

Oh, God.
This is awkward.

Okay.

So, um...I kind of had
breakup sex with Steve

the night before I came to Weld.

So he could also be the one.

I see.

Ironically,
his wife is pregnant,

that being the main reason
we called it off.

-Wow.
-Yeah.

Then again, on the other hand,
it could...

-There´s someone else?
-Oh, my goodness.

I sound like such a hussy,
but I swear I´m not.

There is a third
possible father?

You remember Guy Fawkes Night
after we broke up?

Well, um, I was feeling
kind of lonely and rejected.

And, well...

[ Wagner´s "Ride of
the Valkyries" plays ]

TOM:
Get out of the way!

[ Music, explosions continues ]

So, I hear you´re single again.

You slept with Zac?

It was more like five seconds
in the sand dunes.

-But...
-We´d broken up.

That afternoon.

Oh, my God.
Maybe I am a hussy.

This is starting to feel
surreal.

You know what?
I blame Weld. I do.

There is something in the water
there.

Is there any way we can find out
who the father is for sure?

The father?
No, no, no.

I´m not having one of those
invasive procedures

where they stick a giant needle
into where my babies are growing

just so you guys can sleep
easier.

I will find out who the
father is after they´re born.

"They"?

"Babies"?

Twins, George.

Yeah.
I´m having twins.

Twins for my sins.

Have you told Zac?

No.

But now the cat´s
out of the bag, yeah,

I suppose I should call him.

But here´s the thing, George.

No matter what happens, I´m
doing the kids thing on my own.

So who the father is, it´s
important, but not significant.

It doesn´t really matter
right now.

What?

No.
It does matter.

Whatever happens,

those kids need to know
who their father is.

A-And besides that, surely
you can´t hide this from Steve.

I told him they´re not his.

So you know that much?

No, but it´s best
he thinks that.

He´s got more to lose than I do.

I have to go.

What?
No. No.

We´ve got way more
to discuss here.

No.
I have to go.

I have two babies pressing down
on my bladder.

This is the stuff
they don´t tell you about.

[ Chuckles ]
Take care, George.

This is a big mess, I know.

[ Exhales deeply ]

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

[ Birds crying ]

WOODY:
Thought I´d find you down here.

Went up to the house.
The car was gone and your board.

And I thought, "I bet George
has gone for a surf."

Very perceptive.

And I thought,
"That´s a bit weird,"

´cause the surf forecast
was crapola.

But...here you are.

I am.

Hey.
Found you a new barbie, mate.

Oh, thanks, Woody.

It´s nothing much,
but it´ll work.

-Probably won´t explode.
-Well, that´s good.

Last thing I need
is another explosion.

[ Chuckles ]

Gee.
That surf is really crap.

Yep.

But I admire your optimism,
mate.

I came here to think.

Ah.
Thinking time.

Bit of me time.

-I get that.
-Jan´s pregnant.

Jan´s pregnant... What?

Jan´s pregnant?

I can see how that could take
some thinking.

This is an illegal act.

How is it illegal?

He hasn´t filled in the form.

Uh, I am filling it in.

You told me put it
where you can see it,

and, uh...
yeah, you´re seeing it.

No.
It isn´t the form.

Tell him.

-Well, it looks like a form.
-No.

It´s an artistic expression
of a form,

which can´t be allowed until the
nonartistic version of the form

has been correctly filed.

TOM:
Right.

Now, if you´ll excuse me,

I have some actual police work
to do.

You´re on your way to buy a pie.

Important police work.

That´s my boy.

Rattling the cage and pushing
through the barricades.

He´s making sure you don´t
lose it, like the last one.

It doesn´t work like that.

Oh, back off, Sean.

He´s just doing
what he was told to do.

-But not correctly.
-A form´s a form, Sean.

-Not if it´s on a wall, Brenda.
-It´s my wall, and I like it.

[ Cellphone ringing ]

Kia ora, Jan.

How´s it going?

Three guys?

Wow!

-Who knew Jan was so...
-They´re mine.

-Well, you sound sure.
-Because I am.

But if there´s three candidates,
what makes you the one?

-Because they´re twins.
-And?

Twins run in my family
on my mother´s side.

Oh, I can see
how that might be a sign.

The weird thing is, kids have
been a highlight of my life.

I love my kids.

But... But mine are almost ready
to spread their wings.

And if Jan´s kids are mine,
then...

It kind of throws you back
to the beginning.

I´ll be starting all over again.

Yeah, but it´s a bit late
to be thinking about that.

On a fundamental level,
sex equals babies, mate.

If you don´t want to be
having babies,

you´ve got to put a tarp on it.

Otherwise, it´s just a bit...
reckless.

Did you not put a tarp on?

-I did!
-Good.

-Except for the first time.
-Oh, George!

It was unexpected.

Yeah, but that´s all it takes,
mate, is one time.

Yeah.
Well, thank you, Woody.

Right now I am keenly aware
of that.

BRENDA: Why do I need a permit
to paint my own wall?

Because otherwise, Brenda,
there will be visual anarchy.

Well, that´s not a phone call
you get every day.

In fact, it´s only the
fourth time I´ve ever had it.

What?

I´m gonna be a father again.

Jan´s pregnant.

-To you?
-Twice, really.

She´s having twins.

Hey, son.

You´re gonna have
little brothers or sisters

or, um, one of each.

What?!

Wait.
You slept with Jan?

-Only once.
-But she was with my dad.

No.
They´d called it off by then.

[ Crane whirring ]

Twins?

Nothing wrong with twins.
I´ve never had them before.

Although I do wonder what the
child-support implications are.

And you had the nerve

to lecture me about getting
pregnant and trapping Ike.

-That was completely different.
-How?

-It just is.
-How?

For starters, I´m part of a
possible trifecta of fathers...

Me, Steve, and your dad.

Steve the barman from the RSA?

No, Steve her married boss
she was having an affair with

in Sydney.

-Told you Jan had a wild side.
-You did.

But it´ll be me.
My swimmers are very strong.

It was Guy Fawkes Night,
and on the GFN, you shoot and...

you score.

-Twins.
-Yeah.

Cool, huh?

-Um...
-Uh...

BRENDA:
Well...

If the little tykes are yours,
will Jan move back here

or will you have to go back
to Sydney?

Currently neither.

Jan doesn´t want the father
involved.

What?
No, no, no.

-That won´t do.
-That´s what she wants.

And how do you feel about that?

Woody, I feel a lot of things
at the moment.

Most would be best labeled
as overwhelmed.

But the thought of having kids
I didn´t contemplate is just...

Weird, eh?

It may not be up to me
is all I´m saying.

Yeah, but you should have
some say, George.

Until there´s some certainty,
how can I have a say?

Well, for what it´s worth,
I reckon she should move here.

Weld is a great place
to raise kids.

And I am more than happy to
whack another room on the house.

Or two.

SEAN:
All I´m saying

is that if everyone painted what
they wanted to on their walls,

Weld would be an ocular fiasco.

It´s still my wall.
Sean, customer.

Hi. Ta.

Katie.

Your ex is something, isn´t he?

Sorry?

-Zac.
-What about him?

-It´s just the one time too.
-The one time what?

-Brenda, that is gossip.
-No, it´s not.

It´s out in the open now,
so it´s fact.

It´s also partially gossip
in that Jan cannot say

with any certainty
that Zac is the one.

The one what?

He seemed pretty sure.
And it is Zac.

Yes, he has form,
but that doesn´t mean

we can discount George
and Steve in Sydney.

What on earth
are you two talking about?

-Twins?
-Yeah. Cool, eh?

HANNAH: So are you actually
gonna be around this time?

That´s not entirely fair.

Oh, have you heard?
Mr. Fertile has struck again.

Yeah.
I just heard.

But I heard
there were other contenders.

But they´ll be mine.
It was Guy Fawkes Night.

What other contenders?

George and some other guy
from Aussie.

But it´ll be me.

And for the record,
I´m an awesome father.

Except for at the beginning,
for all the hands-on stuff.

-Am I right?
-That is true.

Luckily, this time Jan wants to
do all that stuff herself.

So I´ll just swoop on in when
they need a male role model.

What?
It´s what she wants.

I can´t even believe
you went there.

George and Jan were over
for like five minutes,

and you were in like Flynn.

It was Guy Fawkes Night.

Ugh.

Of course, on top of all this,
how am I gonna tell Fiona?

Yeah.
That is a tricky one.

I mean, I really like her.

There´s...
There´s something special there.

-Right.
-And now this.

This can´t help that.

Having kids to
an old relationship

when you´re in
a new relationship?

I´m guessing
that´s a bit of a minefield.

So in the interests of courtesy,

I´d really appreciate
you keeping this quiet,

at least till I´ve had a chance
to speak to Fiona.

Look.
I´m not a big fan of secrets.

But sometimes a secret
is just a piece of information

waiting to find its place
in the world.

-Yeah.
-And until then,

it needs to just stay hidden.

And if you need a guardian
to look after that information,

then yeah,
I´ll take that on for you.

No questions asked.

You mean the secret´s safe
with you?

I couldn´t have put that better
myself, mate.

Come on.
Bring it in.

Don´t stress out.

Thanks, Woody.

Let me know when you want me to
get started on those extensions.

See ya.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

How´s things?

Fine.
I´m almost done.

And at home?

Home´s fine.
Why?

Good.
Cool.

But it must be pretty intense,

finding out about the,
you know...

The "you know"?

You know.
The Jan thing.

Oh.
How do you...

It must be pretty weird, right?

Like, um, everything
I´ve ever known as normal

is about to be rewritten.

-Hm.
-How did you hear about it?

Arlo, this is Weld.

Do I need to say more?

Everyone knows
about the Jan thing.

What Jan thing?

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

-Hey.
-Dad.

Hi.

What do you think?

Uh, it´s set for two people.

Yes.

So would you prefer it
if we were somewhere else?

Thanks.

Yes.

Fiona´s coming over.
I need to break the...news.

Where have you been all day?

I went to the beach
to do some thinking.

That makes sense.

Dad, you don´t need to tell
Fiona.

-You didn´t.
-No, I didn´t.

SHAY:
Dad, we live in Weld.

The whole town´s already talking
about it.

Oh.

-Who´s paying for this?
-I believe this round is on Zac.

Says who?

I think it´d be a manly gesture

in keeping with your
unquestionable virility.

A round of drinks says a lot
about a man.

That he just got paid?
[ Laughs ]

MONTY:
It´d be a statement

that you are still Weld´s king
of impregnation.

Well, that´s never been
in doubt.

Or not... now you´ve got
a challenger in George Turner.

SIOUXSIE:
Or this Aussie Steve bloke.

No. It´s mine.
My shout.

Hang on.
Where´d you get that crap from?

I mean whatever crap it is
that youse are talking about.

Two more kids.
Imagine the horror.

Woody, where have you been
all day?

I´ve been finding a new,
unexploding barbie for George.

So you´ve spoken to him?

Well, yeah...
About barbecues and stuff.

Four kids in total.
Living hell.

They´re not his, Bill.

-So he didn´t mention this?
-Mention what?

-About Jan being pregnant.
-Utter living hell.

How do we know that this isn´t
just idle speculation?

Who even says
that Jan´s pregnant?

-Well, Siouxsie told me.
-Oh. Yeah. Gossip.

I heard it from Billy,
who heard it from Ike.

Absolute rubbish.

-Zac told me.
-And I heard it from Jan, so...

I´ve got to take a slash.

Well, I think
it´s a great thing.

A couple little additions
to the metropolis of Weld.

How can that be a bad thing?

Be good for the school roll,
eh, Tracey?

-Eventually.
-MONTY: Yeah.

And real estate prices always go
up when demand exceeds supply.

Excellent long-term view, Dad.

I´m here for the long haul,
sweetie.

And like Zac, kids keep you
young when you´re growing old.

Here´s to population growth.

Thank you, Zac.

Or George...
or that Steve guy from Sydney.

They´re mine.

Does Fiona know?

-Yep.
-Ouch.

-HANNAH: Yeah.
-Does Fiona know what?

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

At my age,
when you´re the youngest,

you think you will always be
the youngest.

It´s kind of programmed
into my brain.

Well, get unprogramming,
not-so-little bro.

Once we were two,
soon to be four.

Unless it´s Zac´s...
or Steve whoever.

God.
Imagine if Mum was here.

If Mum was here,
this wouldn´t have happened.

True that.

You know what´s really,
really weird?

What can be weirder than our dad
starting a new family?

Well, that he, uh, he´s seemed
happier just recently,

more than at any time
since Mum died.

Don´t you think?

And now this.

And now this.

[ James Reyne´s "Reckless"
plays ]

♫ Meet me down
by the jetty landing ♫

♫ Where the pontoons bump
and spray ♫

♫ All the others reading,
standing ♫

GEORGE: They say that what
you don´t know can´t hurt you,

that ignorance is bliss.

But ignorance is also
a hand grenade

with the pin waiting
to be pulled.

And when it´s pulled...

There will be a heap of pain.

♫ She don´t like
that kind of behavior ♫

♫ She don´t like... ♫

So...what are you gonna do?

♫ Throw down your guns ♫

♫ Don´t be so reckless ♫

[ Up-tempo music plays ]