All language subtitles for 800.Words.S02E05.Episode.5.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-KiNGS-eng

[ Brooke Fraser´s
"Something in the Water" plays ]

♫ I wear a demeanor... ♫

GEORGE: The male bowerbird
courts the female

with brightly colored trinkets,

while the emu turns
slightly blue

and tries to inflate his throat.

♫ How they sing, how they sing,
how they sing ♫

Then there´s
the good old Aussie galah,

who proudly raises his crest,

performing impressive
acrobatics in the air

to prove just how good a catch
he is.

To the rest
of the animal kingdom,

these courting rites
come naturally.

But for most humans,
it´s just not that simple.

We call it dating.

And there is nothing natural
about it.

♫ There´s something
in the water ♫

♫ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah... ♫

So, a tie, do you think?

Dad, have you seen anyone
in Weld wear a tie... ever?

SHAY:
Yeah. It´s Katie, Dad.

And you´re taking her
to a movie.

Dial it back.

Okay.
I´ll dial it back.

If you and George get married,

then me and Arlo will be
like twin brothers.

How awesome is that?

Sweetheart, no.
Uh, there is no awesome.

It´s just a date, okay?

Now, how do I look?

Okay.

Woody!

Ease up.

Hey!
So tonight´s the big night, eh?

Hey, Woody.

-The movies, I hear.
-Yep.

And you´ve got
the tick of approval

from the young ones as well,
I hear.

It´s just a date, Woody.

Why are you here, Woody?

Uh, no reason.
You know, just passing through.

But, um, while I´m here, do you
mind if I grab a quick shower?

-Help yourself.
-Yeah. Bonzer, mate.

Does he seriously think
we don´t know

that he´s on his way
to visit his lady up the road?

Well, if it keeps him happy.

How do I look?
And don´t say dial it back.

If I dial it back any more,
I´ll be naked.

Isn´t that the desired outcome
of the date?

ARLO:
Oh. Tacky, Shay.

Getting through it alive
is the desired outcome.

Okay.
Going back to "How do I look?"

You look fine.

Yeah.
Good to go.

Okay.
Well, I will... I will go, then.

♫ Red wine,
just a glass or two ♫

♫ Give me something fun... ♫

-Hey, George.
-Billy.

-♫ Ah, ah, ah... ♫
-Katie.

George.

♫ There´s something
in the water ♫

-Shall we go?
-We should.

-Yes. Please.
-♫ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah ♫

♫ There´s something
in the water ♫

♫ That makes me love you
like I do ♫

♫ Do, do-do-do ♫

♫ Do-do-do-do-do ♫

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

The big night.

So, good on you, George,
for putting yourself out there.

You too, Katie.

Did you actually book?

Yeah.
I thought it best.

No one really books
for the Weld cinema,

because, uh, that way they know
you´re coming.

But by booking,
we managed to reserve you

the seats of your choice.

Up the front
for watching the movie.

Up the back for...
not watching the movie...

If you know what I mean.

-Up the front.
-Up the front, please.

Then away you go.

You´ll find your complimentary
popcorn and ice creams waiting.

And you know what they say...
Matches are made in heaven,

couples are made at the Weld
Summer Festival of Kiwi Cinema.

No.
No one says that, Sean.

Unfortunately, the Weld
Summer Festival of Kiwi Cinema

has hit something of a snag

since Brenda thinks
that "Once Were Warriors,"

"Heavenly Creatures,"
and "The Piano"

are all lousy first-date movies.

What was wrong
with "Whale Rider"?

There´s nothing romantic
about riding a whale, Brenda.

So instead, we´ll be watching
a favorite of mine,

Nagisa Oshima´s
Japanese erotic masterpiece,

"In the Realm of the Senses."

What, again?

Yes, Monty, again.

I-I´m with you, Sean.

Cheers, Bill.

-[ Down-tempo music plays ]
-Ooh. Enjoy.

[ Woman speaking Japanese ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Man speaking Japanese ]

[ Woman moans ]

[ Man speaking Japanese,
groaning ]

[ Man shouts, woman screaming ]

Can we... Can we leave?

Yes.
Please.

[ Woman moaning, man grunting ]

[ Alarm chirps ]

-Well, that was, um...
-Unexpected?

I was gonna say confronting.

Yeah.
That too.

[ Laughs ]

Do you want to call it a night?

No.
Do you?

No.

A drink, something to eat?

That sounds like a plan.

But not at the Boat Club.

I feel like we´re under
a microscope already.

I hear you.

The pub has both food and drink.

And away from the microscope.

-HANNAH: Thank you.
-[ Mid-tempo music playing ]

Hey.
Look who it is.

How´s the hot date going?

Fine, thank you.

What about you?

Oh.
We´re not on a date.

Or are we?

No. We´re wondering
why I haven´t got a date ever.

I thought you gave all that up
to focus on your career.

It doesn´t mean
I have to like it.

So, what are you guys doing
here?

Mm. Aren´t you meant to be
at the movies?

Maybe we´re looking for
some privacy.

Hmm.
Good luck with that.

Isn´t that why you guys
are here,

to get away
from the madding crowd?

No.
I´m dating the barman.

Okay.
Maybe not.

But if things don´t work out
for the two of you, George,

just remember you´re definitely
not too old for me.

I´m going to the other side
of the room now, Hannah.

[ Laughs ]
Oh.

I think they make
a lovely couple.

We can hear you, Tracey.

I wonder what dating´s like
at Dad´s age.

He´s hardly 100.

No, but what practice
has he had?

And has Katie had
any other boyfriends since Zac?

How would I know?

Dad had Jan,

but it´s not like they ever
actually went on a date.

Can you please give it a rest?

Don´t you wonder if he´ll know
what to do?

It´s Dad.

Of course he won´t know
what to do.

Maybe you should focus more
on your love life than Dad´s.

I don´t have a love life.

But you might...

If you tried with that hottie
at the Boat Club.

Actually, the fish is good.

So is the calamari.

Except every time I look up
from it,

-one of them is looking at me.
-Yeah.

Curse Tracey
and her useless love life.

Mm.

It´d be much simpler
if she just got over herself

and jumped Woody´s bones.

Except Woody´s moved on.

Really?

To where?

Becks Whitfield...
Up from my place.

Hey, do I know something
other people don´t for a change?

Does Tracey know?

Pretty sure not.

KATIE:
Oh, no. This is terrible.

Tracey made her choice.

Woody seems pretty happy
about it.

No, for me.

This is exactly
why I hate gossip.

How can I be in the same room
as Tracey now?

How can I look her in the eye?

Yeah.
We have to go.

You´ve paid, right?

Yeah.

Thank you for dinner.

So, do you want to go home now?

No.
Billy will still be awake.

I´ll have to answer
all those questions.

-Why? Do you?
-No. No, I don´t.

Well, we could go for a walk
on the beach.

Yes.
That would be lovely.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

I suppose I´d say
the last time I dated was Zac...

But it was a loose
interpretation of dating.

-I probably don´t want to know.
-No. [ Laughs ]

You probably don´t.

What about you?

When was the last time
you played this silly game?

I honestly can´t remember.

Um, school, maybe.

What about Laura?

Well, Laura and I skipped

the traditional dating part
of things.

Oh, right.

I can´t believe there hasn´t
been someone since Zac.

Well, after Zac, I had Billy,

which kind of put a dent
in my dating life.

Are you fellas talking about me?

You´re on your hot date
and you´re talking about me.

Sweet.

Don´t flatter yourself.

How´s it going, George,
being on a date with my missus?

I´m not your missus.

The company´s good.

ZAC:
Nice, George. Nice comeback.

Do you like flounder?

Best cooked with, um, butter
and lemon.

-And capers.
-Ooh.

Yeah, I like flounder.

Well, then tonight´s
your lucky night.

Maybe in more ways than one, eh?

-IKE: [ Laughs ]
-Shut up.

And we don´t want
your stinky fish.

But, Katie, it´s rude
not to accept the gift of kai

from the moana.

Thank you.

Come on, boy.

Hey, uh, if you want me to,
like, come over and gut them

and stuff like that,
I can do that.

That would be really romantic
for Shay.

No! [ Laughs ]
No, no, no.

Just, um, just offering.
Nothing to do with her. Sweet.

George, you have my permission
to go full steam ahead, bro.

He doesn´t need your permission!

ZAC:
[ Laughs ]

Well, I certainly wasn´t
expecting this.

-Not on a first date.
-[ Laughs ]

[ Music continues ]

I sort of feel we´ve run out
of options.

Do you?

I´m sure even if we thought of
someplace else,

someone would be there.

So home?

Home, I think.

I do have to say,
despite everything...

I have actually enjoyed myself.

Me too.

TOM:
Evening.

Oh, for the dear sweet love
of...

Oops.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Didn´t realize it was you two.

Constable Tom.

So, no need to ask
how the first date is going.

Obviously pretty well
if you´re having a pash.

[ Laughs ]

We weren´t having a pash.

Nothing to be ashamed of,
George.

Perfectly natural.

What are you actually doing
here, Tom?

That time of year, Katie.

The summer people are here.

And with them come the
freedom campers in their hordes.

I won´t spend another summer

following a trail of used dunny
paper to Gunther in his Maui.

I won´t have it.

Freedom campers are too cheap to
use the actual camping ground...

Not that we have one of those
anymore.

And Maui... a sacred Maori god,

but also a camper van
favored by German tourists.

Where do you expect them to go,
Tom?

Oh.
I have a plan.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

Please.
Allow me.

[ Chuckles ]

Chivalry.

That´s a bit dangerous
these days, isn´t it?

What if I´m offended you think
I can´t open my own door?

Well, you can get back in

and open the door yourself
if you like.

[ Laughs ]
I´m good.

Well, thank you.

For a series
of unmitigated disasters?

Yeah, but they were
an entertaining series

of unmitigated disasters.

They were that.

Now all we have to do
is get our stories straight.

For the inquisition.

Exactly.

Well, if it ended with a kiss,
would that keep them at bay?

No.

But I don´t think
it should stop us.

[ Music continues ]

Well, thank you for the date.

And thank you.

You´d better get that fish
into the fridge

or your car will never smell
the same again.

I might just chuck some butter
and capers into the boot

and leave it in the sun.

Good night.

GEORGE:
That first kiss...

The ritual fraught with
so many conflicting emotions

at the end of a first date.

Will it be withheld in favor
of a polite "good night"?

Or, if offered,
what promise will it hold?

Will it open doors
or close doors?

For a meeting
of two sets of lips,

there´s a hell of a lot
riding...

on one simple kiss.

Hey, are you home
for dinner tonight?

Since when am I not home
for dinner?

There was that night a week ago.

Your point being?

Well, I´m no expert,

but you said you had
a lovely time, right?

Yes.
We had a lovely time.

So would the obvious next step
be to ask Katie on a second date

soonish after the first date?

Thanks for your interest, Arlo,

but maybe I haven´t seen Katie
since then.

In a week?

In... In Weld?

Amazing as it seems.

If only we had
electronic devices

so people could talk
to one another.

[ Door opens ]

Dad, can I get a ride
to the gallery?

GEORGE:
I´m leaving now,

and you´ve got at least an hour
blow-drying your hair.

So I´ll see you two tonight.

If you wait, then you can see
Katie at the gallery.

I have to go.

Still no change?

Still no change.

WOODY: Hey! G´day, Georgie!
How you going, mate?

Yeah. All right.
You?

Well, customs in Tauranga,

they´re holding
their solar panels ransom.

All the sun´s gonna be used up
at this rate.

I´m not sure what I can do
about that.

Could you write a column about
the inefficiency of the gonks

at the Ministry
for Primary Industries?

That would help.

Yeah. No.
Never mind.

Hey, what´s the story
with you and Katie?

You going on that second date
any time soon or what?

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

You cannot just create the
problem and then hide from it.

TOM:
I did not create the problem.

I think you did.

I solved the problem.

-And created a new one.
-Which is not my problem.

Then why are you hiding
from it?!

Everything all right?

So someone suggested
to the freedom campers

they might want to storm
the barricades

and start camping
in the old campground.

If they´re all in the one place,
it´s much easier to police them.

Plus there are
toilet facilities.

But Big Mac owns that land now.

Exactly.

The land is sitting there,
empty, not a sod turned,

mocking me
every time I drive past

chasing one of the Gunthers
to clean up their mess.

This way, all the mess
is in the one place.

Property magnate comes down
on local constable

like ton of bricks.

It´s very annoying
when you speak in headlines.

Why is the old camping ground
still a camping ground?

It´s supposed to be
a retirement village.

That´s a very good question...
One a real journalist

-might actually follow up on.
-Are you mocking me again?

Not at all.

If I were gonna mock you,
I´d say something more like,

"Mind you,
a man that takes a whole week

to ask a woman on a second date

might not know so much
about following up."

So, what has happened
to the retirement village?

Stop the presses.

Newspaper editor
recognizes story.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

So what actually happened
on this date?

Dad went all dark and mysterious
on it.

-How´d it go?
-Lovely.

We´re having fish for dinner.

We had a good time.
It was...

Yes.

"Yes"?

What does that even mean?

It´s complicated.

There are people camping
on your land, Big Mac.

Freeloaders,
leeching off my land,

while the man
who should be evicting them

is strangely missing in action.

That digger´s been sitting there
for a while doing not very much.

All things take time, George.

You should be writing about the
evils of unlawful occupation,

not worrying about diggers.

Just a bit of a mystery.
That´s all.

You mean like how come
you haven´t asked Katie out

on a second date?

I absolutely cannot impart,
accidentally or otherwise,

any information, uh,
about the camping ground,

hereafter to be referred to
as...

The ground formerly known
as camping?

Nice.
Like Prince.

But I want to know
about the retirement village

that´s supposed to be there.

I particularly can´t utter
even a syllable about that.

I´ll be in the ring
even if I whisper the phrase

"Chinese economy."

So there´s a problem
with the Chinese economy?

I never said that.

[ Door closes ]

Unfortunately, I have sworn a
blood oath to my hideous family,

so I also cannot impart anything

about why the home
for the old crumblies

has been indefinitely delayed.

Indefinitely delayed?
Why?

Don´t ask me.

So you´re telling me

that the editor of Weld´s
hard-hitting newspaper of record

has no idea how to break
an actual story?

This comes as a surprise to you?

No, but you don´t need to
confront Big Mac in the ballroom

with a revolver.

Follow the paper trail...

Titles, contracts,
ownership deeds.

Find out who else is involved.

Meanwhile,
how´s it going with Katie?

Oh, not you too.

It hasn´t happened yet,
all right?

Really? Because I heard
the first date went well.

So what´s the holdup, George?

Sorry, Jan.
I have to go.

-Hi.
-Hi.

I was just thinking about you.

Great.

But it´s okay if you weren´t.

No, I was, honestly.

Good.

Uh, yeah. Sorry it´s been
such a long time.

I just assumed we would
run into each other.

Me too.
Weld´s a big place.

I should´ve called.

So should I.

So, how is everything?

Interesting.

Have you seen what´s happening
at the campground?

No.

It´s been reclaimed
by the campers.

Wow.
Big Mac will not be happy.

The thing is, he seems
almost powerless to stop it.

He was standing there
just watching it unfold.

That´s very unlike him.

Well, according to a source
that I cannot name,

it has something to do
with the Chinese economy.

You have a source.

[ Chuckles ]
Yeah.

Well, it´s Monty.

[ Laughs ]

But does this mean
you´re writing a story about it

and therefore biting the hand
that feeds?

If there´s a story there,
it should be told, right?

Absolutely.
You know me.

I mean, in terms of my beliefs
about Big Mac

and everything that´s gone on
with that land.

Absolutely.

So I think you should write
the story

and to hell
with the consequences.

Thank you.
I will.

And we should have a catch-up
at some stage.

Yes, we should.

I have to go and get Billy.

KATIE:
Just the woman I´m looking for.

I need to ask you what´s going
on with the old camping ground.

People are camping on it,
I hear.

Shouldn´t it be a building site?

That´s council business.

I can´t talk to you
about council business.

Why not?
I´m a ratepayer.

Well, not this business.

But there is something
to talk about?

So, when´s the second date?

Please don´t change the subject.

-What went wrong?
-Nothing went wrong.

What does the Chinese economy
have to do with this?

Last time I saw Big Mac
down at the campground,

he was with a bunch of big, tall
blond people.

And they looked Swedish,
not Chinese.

And I would recommend an outside
table for that second date.

Was it "In the Realm
of the Senses"?

It can be a bit much
for the more sensitive types.

Look, Sean, what Katie and I do
or don´t do

is none of yours
or anyone else´s business.

Just like
any sensitive documents

pertaining to legal ownership of
the campground is none of yours.

But I live here.
I pay my rates.

Surely that makes it
my business.

-You´d think so, wouldn´t you?
-Okay. Okay.

What about I am the editor
of the local paper

and people have a right to know.

We do not respond to threats
here, Mr. Turner.

That wasn´t a threat.

That was me pointing out that
people have a right to know.

That is very true.

So do you or do you not intend
to ask Katie out

on another date?

Look, I-I don´t know.

I´m... I´m out of my depth
with this whole dating thing.

And it doesn´t help

that everyone keeps pestering me
about it, all right?

I hear you, George.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

Oops.

You did not get that from me.

You were never here.

[ Cellphone ringing ]

Hello?

Hey, Dad.

Hey, Shay and I thought
we might get an early dinner

at the Boat Club.

-You in?
-Sure. Sounds like a plan.

Okay. Well, we may as well
meet you there.

Fine.

All right.
Bye.

Hey, uh, Dad called.

He wants to meet us for dinner
at the Boat Club.

Fine.
Whatever.

Okay.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

[ Cellphone rings ]

Change of plan already?

I didn´t know we had a plan.

Katie.

Yes.

How can I help?

Actually, it´s me
trying to be of some use.

I spoke to Fiona,

who said something about Big Mac
talking to some Swedes...

The country, not the vegetable.

Does that fit
with what you know?

I´m sorry.
I have to go.

Big Mac.

Just wondering
if our staff photographer

who sometimes moonlights
as law enforcement

has come out of hiding yet.

Tom got called through
to Stafford.

Oh, let the crime spree begin.

I´m sure he can deal with it
when he gets back.

Well, he can start
with the big party going on

down at the campground,
the United Nations of fun.

Any Swedes?

Sorry, George?

Are there any Swedish people
among this United Nations?

Why would there be?

Weren´t you down there
the other week

with some people from...Sweden?

I talk to many people
from all over the world, George.

Even Australians
from time to time.

Ask Tom to do his job, will you?

Why?

It´s not like the campers
are getting in the way

of any construction work,
are they?

[ Door opens, closes ]

Editor surprises skeptic by
knowing what a journalist does.

Well done, George.

[ Mid-tempo music playing ]

Hi.

Hi.

Uh, do you want a table?

Yes, please.

Just the two of you?

Uh, and our dad.

Let me show you.

It´s okay.
We can grab one ourselves.

No.
It´s my job.

Auntie Fiona says I need to
interact more with customers

instead of being afraid of them.

You can interact with me
whenever you want.

That´d be great.
Here you go.

Would you like menus and stuff?

Menus and stuff sounds awesome.

Emma.

Oh, shoot.

Oh, she is not a good waitress.

I´m not here for the food
or the service.

Go, little bro.

Out to slay the lady.

Dad should be taking tips.

ARLO:
He needs help from someone.

SHAY: Maybe our family is
destined to be single forever.

Speak for yourself.

Family.

-You ordered yet?
-Mnh-mnh.

Good call, this.
I´m famished.

I thought this was your idea.

Arlo said it was you guys.

Are you ready to order?

I know what Arlo wants.

Okay.
What?

Um...

Uh, I-I might... I might need
a few more minutes, actually.

I-I´ll come back.

[ Sighs ]
Slick, Arlo. Real slick.

Y-You backed me into a corner,
and I´m not good in a corner.

Arlo is building up the courage
to make his move.

Personally, I´m wondering
if there´s a genetic problem

with the men in this family
when it comes to women.

Please.

Can I have one conversation
today that is not about Katie?

Nope.
You spoken to her?

Yes.

Really?

And?

And we spoke.

-It´s complicated.
-Try us.

No. It´d be weird
discussing it with you.

Does Katie know
what the problem is?

No.

Probably not.

No idea.

Because you haven´t
discussed it.

No.

-Then maybe...
-I know what I have to do.

Shall we order?

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

So you saw him today
and he didn´t ask you out again?

No, he didn´t.

Why?
What´s his problem?

Like I´m gonna talk to you lot
about this.

Can we just talk about the book?

[ Door opens ]

Sorry.
Hey, sorry I´m late.

Oh. Trace.

I thought, uh, you weren´t
coming to book club anymore

on account of all the busyness.

TRACEY:
No.

I missed a couple of weeks,
but I came tonight.

Hi.
Tracey.

Oh. Rebecca.
Everyone calls me Becks.

Yeah, uh, Becks is new in town,
so, you know,

I thought book club would be
a nice place

for a stranger
to make a friend or two.

I brought wine, if that helps.

Always, in my opinion.

We were just about to talk about
"The Luminaries."

-Have you read it?
-I´ve been meaning to, I swear.

Smiler did,

but then he used it to prop up
the Hollings house, so no.

SIOUXSIE: What we were
really talking about

was how come George still hasn´t
asked Katie on a second date.

BRENDA:
Or she him.

I know George.
He seems nice.

Yes. He is.
That´s not the problem.

Was he lousy in the sack?

No! We didn´t get anywhere near
that bit.

Oh, it doesn´t sound like
much of a date.

Did you at least get a snog?

There was a kiss.
Yes.

-WOODY: Yes.
-Mm.

So, is he a lousy kisser?

No.

No, he certainly isn´t.

Oh, it was too good, then.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

I need to talk to him
about this, not you guys.

So why haven´t you?

It´s...

complicated.

GEORGE: As far as I can make
out, this whole dating thing

is about getting to know
the other person.

But what if,
instead of learning about them,

you learned things
about yourself,

things that you´d rather not
talk about...

things you´d much rather avoid
than confront?

Things, however, that
ultimately you can´t hide from,

that you must confront.

WOODY:
Only me.

Morning, Woody.

Hey.
Happened to be passing through.

Thought I´d pop in,
let you know it turns out

Smiler´s cousin works
on border security,

so we´re all sweet
with the solar panels.

That´s good to know.

Okay.
Fair cop, mate.

I wasn´t just passing,
all right?

The thing is...

I´ve been having
a bit of a thing with Becks...

You know, from up the road...

And, uh...
I´ve just come from there.

Really?
[ Exhales deeply ]

-Gosh.
-I know.

I-It came out of left field
for me too.

And, uh, it´s good, George.

I wouldn´t normally trouble you,
because I know you´ve got

your own troubles
with the whole Katie disaster.

It´s not a disaster.

Yeah, but the thing
about the thing is,

after book club last night,

Tracey might have an inkling
about me and Becks.

So? I thought you and Tracey
had sorted all that out.

Yeah.
Well, we have.

But, you know, there are levels
to sorting things out.

Then you need to talk to Tracey.
She´s an adult. She´ll get it.

Right.
Like you need to talk to Katie.

Which I´m gonna do... right now.

-Good.
-[ Door closes ]

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

Zac.

George.
Woody.

Hey, Zac.

You need to come with me.

Now.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

Hi, Gloria.

-Is George in?
-Oh I haven´t seen him.

But neither have you,
from what I´ve heard.

That´s why I´m looking for him.

Tom!

Oh. Sorry.
Haven´t seen him.

Phone?

No answer.

Maybe he´s hiding...
Like you, Tom!

I´m not hiding.

I´m...staging
a tactical disappearance.

Leave you to that, then.

You know the Internet
is working perfectly, right?

Uh-huh.

Doesn´t mean
it can´t work better.

Better than perfect?

Hey, I got skills.

"Whale Rider" is on
at Weld Cinema.

Have you seen it?

I am not going to the movies
with you, Ike.

I was just... just...
Just saying it´s on.

It´s a Kiwi classic.

Still no.

Okay.

[ Door opens ]

SHAY:
Hey.

Apparently Ike
can make the Internet work

better than perfect.

Ike, leave the girl alone.

-I´m not doing anything.
-Yeah. Right.

Do you know where your dad is?

Sorry.
No.

He´s with Zac.

Please tell me
there´s no boat involved.

There´s a boat involved.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

[ Birds chirping ]

Zac, I need to be at work now.

Now we have kina...

we can talk.

Talk about what?
And why out here?

Katie and your intentions.

-My what?
-Your intentions, George.

Are you gonna do right by her?

Because Katie might be spiky
on the outside,

but she´s all soft and squishy
on the inside,

just like the kina.

Katie´s not at all spiky
on the outside.

And you and she have been over
for years, as I understand it.

Doesn´t mean I still don´t care
about her.

Then yes, I intend to do
the right thing by her...

as soon as I get back
to dry land.

I need you to prove that,
George.

How?

By eating the kina.

Really?

Okay.

[ Slurping ]

[ Cellphone ringing ]

How come when I´m somewhere
where there´s no reception,

you always find a way through?

Because I´m a witch.

Yeah, I believe that.

Bring him back to land... now.

He ate the kina.

So?

Well, normally when you give
a Pakeha the kina challenge,

they kak themselves.

But George was like
straight down the hatch.

Just put him on the phone.

[ Sighs ]
She wants to speak to you.

Hi.

Hi.
I´m sorry about Zac.

He...He feels like
he has to protect me.

That´s okay.

I was on my way to see you,
and then I got press-ganged.

Good, because I need to see you.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

Sorry, George.

I´m gonna have to ask you
to come with me.

What?

Where?

-You´ll see.
-You´re kidding me, right?

Do the people of Weld
have nothing better to do

than kidnap me all day long?

Not really.

I´ve been told to tell you

that all your questions
will be answered...

If you get in the car.

[ Engine idling ]

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

Just do as you´re told
and no one gets hurt, okay?

Except me, maybe.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

Do you spar, George?

[ Chuckles ]

I´ve swung one punch in Weld,
and it only hurt me, so...so no.

Resistance is futile.

What are we doing here?

We´re working out our issues
the McNamara way.

I´m not fighting you, Big Mac.

Step into the ring, George.

I´ve... I´ve just eaten kina
for the first time.

Hitting me is not a good idea.

I´m not gonna hit you, George.

I´m gonna hit Monty.
We both are.

Just not in the face, all right?

Or the jewels.

[ Laughs ]

George, do you want to get
to the bottom of this business

or not?

-Well...
-Hit him!

What if I already know?

Hit him and I´ll tell you
if you´re right.

[ Sighs ]

You signed the deal
to buy the land off the council,

but on settlement date,
the money never went through.

That is, unfortunately, correct.

-You don´t have the money.
-No!

I have plenty of money, George.

But the first rule of business

is you always use
somebody else´s money.

And sadly, due to a downturn
in the Chinese economy,

my primary investors
don´t...have...any...money.

Hence the Swedes.

I went fishing for alternatives,

and there was
some Swedish interest.

I like Swedes.
Handsome men.

But they didn´t have
any...money...either!

So what now for the land?

Beyond it becoming a parking lot
for Euro-hippies

looking for a free holiday?

I wish I knew.

I wasn´t trying to do
a bad thing, George,

just bring a little prosperity
to Weld.

And I´m not stupid.

I knew that sooner or later
somebody would blow the whistle.

I just didn´t think you´d be
the one blowing it.

I´m doing the job you gave me.

And I´m doing mine.

But I´m just not used to this...
What´s the word?

Failure.

[ Grunts ]

That was a big one, Dad.

Setbacks like this.

Do you know what it feels like,
George,

when people think you´re poor
and you´re not?

Not really.

It stings, George.

Stings.

What if I was to change
the angle of the story?

Keep talking.

Talk all you want, George.

What if it was more

of "Big Mac Saves the
Summer Holidays" kind of thing,

about you giving the land back
to the people?

-For the time being.
-For the summer.

Now, that´s a story.

Not the true story but, uh...

I think we´ve got ourselves
a result, George.

[ Chuckles ]

Now let´s hit the showers

while we sort out
what´s going on with Katie.

[ Water running ]

It´s not easy for men our age to
navigate this dating business,

especially when we´ve already
had the loves of our lives.

Oh.
Thanks, mate.

It´s so much more complicated
now.

Have you dated anyone
since Norma?

By crikey, she left a void,
George.

I don´t have to tell you
about that.

Hmm.

But there is a lady friend

with whom I believe there might
be some romantic potential.

And how long since Norma died?

Oh, coming up 10 years.

And only now you´re thinking
about getting back in the game?

Timing, George.

As my Chinese investors
have reminded me,

timing is everything.

If your ducks aren´t in a row
when you´re locked and loaded,

then there´s mayhem
in the maimai.

A maimai.

Is that like a...
Like a Maui, a camper?

That´s a hut
for duck shooters, George.

No, my point is
that you may be ready

for another love like Laura,

but are you ready
for another loss like Laura?

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

You´re a wise man, Big Mac.

Hello?

Hey, Billy.
Is your mother here?

No.

Can I just see
what it might have been like?

She´s at the movies.

Thanks, Billy.

And I come from a long line
of chiefs,

stretching all the way back
to Hawaiki,

where our ancient ones are,

the ones that first heard
the land crying and sent a man.

His name was also Paikea.

And I am his most...
Most recent descendant.

[ Whispering ]
I love this movie.

I must have seen it 20 times.

Shh!

PAI: But I was not the leader
my grandfather was expecting.

Can we get out of here?

Yeah.

PAI: I broke the line
back to the ancient ones.

It wasn´t anybody´s fault.
It just happened.

No, this is not a second date.

Oh.
Disappointing.

-But a table, definitely.
-FIONA: For two?

Yes, but not a...
Not a date two.

Go for your life.

So.
[ Chuckles ]

Yes indeed.

And before we get
to that comedy moment

where we both start talking
at the same time,

can I just get in first and say
that this is all my fault?

Yes, you can, because it is.

Really?

But in a good way,
not a bad way...

Or at least not a bad bad way.

Okay.

For me,
it was the kiss that did it.

Yeah.
Me too.

Don´t get me wrong.

The kiss was...amazing.

Which is what was wrong with it.

Sorry.
You said you wanted to go first.

N-No. No. Please.
Carry on.

It went on for longer
than I had expected,

which gave me time to think...
To think that I could be next.

Next?

The next Laura.

I mean,
I got way ahead of myself.

And it scared me.

It scared me
because if that happened...

I don´t know whether I´m ready
to be that person,

to face that pressure.

I would never place any pressure
on you to be like Laura.

I know. You´d be so careful
about all that sort of thing.

Which is why I told myself
to stop being silly.

There´s nothing wrong
with being next.

Someone should be.

You deserve someone
to share your life with.

And this is all
while we were still kissing?

I can think very fast.

Because then,
still in the kiss...

I realized that what was
really scaring me was...

that I don´t think you´re
ready for someone new, George.

It hasn´t even been a year.

And I didn´t want to be there
the day you realized that

and you looked at me
knowing that I wasn´t her

and you wondered if you´d made
a huge mistake.

And then we stopped kissing.

You would never be
a huge mistake.

But we might have made
the mistake

of screwing up
a great friendship.

So...that´s me.

How was it for you?

Good.

-Just good?
-Far too good.

But then I started thinking

about how different
your lips felt.

-From Laura´s?
-Yep.

And I couldn´t believe
how two sets of lips

could feel so unlike...

yet still so lovely.

And then I realized that I was
kissing you and thinking of her.

It felt like I was cheating
on you and her

all at the same time.

I became confused...
as is my way.

As is your sweet, lovely way.

My head...

is still a problem, I´m afraid.

I´m so sorry.

What for?

We had a date.
We gave it a shot.

We came out
relatively unscathed, didn´t we?

Relatively unscathed.

[ Chuckles ]

All that remains now

is to disappoint
the rest of the village.

Yes.
Really.

Shall we?

Sorry to let you know, but...

There´ll be no second date.

George, if you´re looking
to rebound, I´m here for you.

FIONA:
Hannah!

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

GEORGE:
It turns out the female kiwi,

in her own natural habitat,
calls most of the shots.

The hapless male can try
all he likes,

but if it isn´t the right time
or place,

they must go
their separate ways,

back into their natural habitat.

In the McNamara family spirit
of giving to this community,

I´m happy to announce that
New Weld Property Developments

is officially gifting,
for the foreseeable future,

this campground
back to the people of Weld.

[ Cheers and applause ]

It´s all true.
Every last word.

In the wacky world of dating,

there are those who can seize
the day...

Are you working now?

Yeah.

Can I walk you to the Boat Club?

Auntie Fi?

I´m walking with Arlo.

FIONA:
Okay.

There are those
who play the game

with a whole different
rule book,

No. Sorry. The Maori-boy nod
doesn´t work here anymore.

Am I not even at like stage one?

Not even close.

Wow.
Brutal!

And then there are those
who play by a rule book

they don´t really understand.

Yeah, that´d be nice,

us all having a drink together
sometime.

Yeah.
Sounds great.

We...
We should definitely do that.

Yeah.
Sometime soon, for sure.

-Cool.
-WOODY: Yeah.

And then there´s me,

seemingly incapable of getting
into the game at all.

But maybe one day
maybe that will change.

[ Keys clicking ]

I mean, a rooster never knows
his luck, right?

[ Up-tempo music plays ]