Original subtitles

America, every marriage has its ups and downs.

And Bernie Mac is no different.

And last week, it was down.

I mean, way down.

Shake your body down to the ground, down.

And I wanna tell you about it, but I have to be fair.

If there is one thing last week taught me...

it was that it ain't always what I think.

Even though it's The Bernie Mac Show.

But I still wanna give you both sides.

So let me introduce someone to you with another point of view.

- [Wanda Clears Throat] - Wait a minute, baby.

Let me introduce you to the people, okay?

And now, addressing America for the very first time...

I'd like to introduce my best friend...

the sugar in my coffee, the � la mode in my pie...

the "black" in my "eyed peas"...

Ms. Wanda. Wanda Mac, y'�ll.

Oh. Now?

Okay. Hi. I'm Wanda Mac.

- [Muttering] - Oh, I'm sorry.

Anyway, um...

I had all this vacation saved up, and I had to use it or lose it.

So, I thought it would be nice to spend some time at home.

- [Exhales] How'd I do? - You did good, girl.

I did? Are they still looking?

[Beeping]

[Groaning] Y'�ll better be getting up!

No, no, Bernie. You stay in bed. I'll get the kids.

[Chuckles] What?

- I want to get 'em ready for school. - Why?

Because I never get to spend time with them.

This will be a real chance for us to bond. It'll be fun.

Baby, it might be a lot of things, but fun ain't gonna be one of'em.

Hey, you get to be the mom all the time.

It's my vacation. I wanna be the mom.

Wanda, listen.

Why don't you try something easy, like being a gardener, okay?

- I got this. - Okay. Suit yourself, baby.

But the key to the liquor cabinet is under the fern.

Wake up, Jordan. Wipe the sandman out your eyes.

?? [Humming]

- Wake up, sleeping beauty. - [Groaning]

Wakey, wakey.

That's right, everybody. Rise and shine.

Let's start a beautiful day.

- Where the kids at? - They'll be out in a jiff.

- How many times you call em'? - Once.

Once? You treat them kids like they're civilized.

Come here. Let me show you how you wake the kids up.

Come on. Just follow me. All right! Everybody get up!

Y'�ll know the routine. No need to be messin' around.

Guess what, y'�ll. It's showtime.

This the ringleader right here. Get her started, you got everybody else.

Right here. Let's go. Ah, yeah. No need to be messin' around.

This boy here, he something else. See? Hey, come on.

Get up. Get up there. Yeah, keep goin'. Y eah.

That boy hate water, man. He hate water worse than a cat. Can't stand it.

Now, see, her... You gotta get the blood circulating through her head. Let's go!

- [Screaming] - All right, everybody. All right.

I want everybody in the bathroom!

Face washed, teeth brushed, hair combed.

- I want you to move it, move it, move it! - Ow!

- You could have untied it first. - Hey, baby.

See, this is not hard. You gotta treat those kids like they're convicts.

You gotta be creative. You gotta have a little fun.

Look at that. That was masterful.

That's a maestro at work, baby.

Is he always like this?

Baby, whatcha doin'?

- Making breakfast. - I'm gonna show you breakfast.

See this? Bam, bam, bam!

- That is called breakfast. - This is a sad, sorry excuse for breakfast.

- They're not gonna eat no eggs Florentine. - They'll eat my eggs Florentine.

- No, they're not. - Yes, they will.

I bet they don't.

Fine.

Go ahead and eat cold cereal, for all I care.

Honey, I'll... I'll eat one of them.

Baby, I like your eggs Florentine.

I don't have no... Hey.

Why don't you make the kids some of your apricot crepes sometime?

- That's delicious. - [Mock Chuckle]

I'm just saying... Baby, they black.

- I'm black. - Let's move on.

Hey! I'm pulling out in exactly 90 seconds.

Wait. Here's your lunches. Here's your lunches. Here you go.

Here you go. Here you go.

Hey, Bryana, honey, tie your shoe.

I don't know how to tie my shoe.

It's not hard. I'll show you.

Wanda, we ain't got a lot of time. We're under the gun now.

You take one lace, make a bunny ear. You take the other lace, make another bunny ear.

You fold it under, and voil�.

Tied shoes. Now you try it.

Make one lace.

- Go under. - No, no, no.

- You gotta make a bunny ear with this lace. - Wanda, we gotta go.

Then you make a bunny ear with this. This'll just take a second.

And then you take another bunny ear, and then you put that...

- And you turn it around, and you flip it in there and squeeze it. - Ow!

Let's go. Limp to the car. We gotta go.

You really could use a lesson in patience.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some other time.

But right now, we got a story to tell.

Why don't you tell the American people what happened when you tried to put the kids to bed?

- Tell 'em that, baby. - What?

- Wha... - They were perfect little angels.

- You gotta hold it under the water. That's what... - [Crying]

- Get in the bathtub this instant! - No, no. I want bubbles.

- Bubbles give you a rash. Get in! - It's only that one time!

- Hey! Didn't I tell you to get off that phone? - Ow! I am getting off.

- Now! - I am!

- Nobody. - Bryana, please.

- Get in that tub now! Ooh! - [Crying]

- What the... - No, I got time.

- That was too much. Okay? - Mmm.

They are not perfect little angels. They are monsters.

I been tellin' you. Y'�ll be tryin' to make me the bad guy.

- Ooh, baby, I'm sorry. - You wanted to bust their heads till the white meat showed.

- What? I wanted to kill them. Oop! - All right.

Baby, shoot. America see them every day. They understand.

They know. [Chuckles]

But I did have one small victory.

- What, that was a victory? - You know that was a victory.

Hush. Watch.

- You will take a bath and like it. - No! No, it's cold!

- Well, that's too bad. Get in the tub! - No! No!

- Ow, ow. - And stay there.

[Moaning]

Bryana, I put you to bed an hour ago. What are you doing up?

Look, Aunt Wanda! I tied my shoes!

- What? - I tied my shoes all by myself, just like you taught me.

Baby girl.

Bernie, you won't believe what Bryana just did.

Use bleach, baby. Lots and lots of bleach.

- No, she tied her shoes. - What?

She tied her shoes all by herself, just like I taught her.

- It was incredible. - That's great.

That means less work for me now.

I taught her something that she will take with her for the rest of her life.

It's an unbelievable feeling. L... I can't describe it.

Actually, baby, sometimes it's hard to find the right words.

But maybe when you come back from getting me a beer, your thoughts been uncrystallized.

But you did good. Honey, you did good.

- Hey, Patricia. - Hey, Wanda. What are you doing out during the day?

- I'm spending the week with the kids. - Oh.

Oh, and I'm so glad that I did it.

I had the most incredible experience.

- I taught Bryana to tie her shoe. - Uh-huh?

- That's it. - Oh.

I know it sounds silly, but it was so exciting.

I think for the first time, I know what it feels like to be a mom.

Well, I'm very happy for you, Wanda.

Thank you.

- Oh. - Oh. What's wrong?

Oh, nothing. She's just kicking.

Ooh. Here. Feel.

- Oh, my God. That's amazing. - Mmm.

- Yeah, that's something else, huh? - Yeah.

- Ooh! She kicked again. - Yeah, she does it all day.

- All day? - Mm-hmm.

Wow.

What does that feel like?

L... I can't explain it.

?? [Woman Singing Soul]

- Aunt Wanda? - [Gasps] Yes, baby?

Are you pretending?

Yes, baby.

Okay.

?? [Soul Continues]

- [Shouting] - [Baby Crying]

Shook my doggone beer up. That don't make no doggone sense.

?? [Ends]

- Bernie, you think I should trade in my car? - You just got the car.

- So you think it's safe? - I don't think anything, baby.

- How can you say it's safe? - Wanda, I didn't say it was safe.

I think we should be more concerned about safety. There's kids in the house.

Okay, Wanda.

Let's think about safety. I'm sorry.

I don't know why I'm sayin' I'm sorry, but I'm sorry.

I said it, okay?

Bernie.

- Bernie, I was just thinking. - What now?

Remember when we talked about adding another room?

- What you talkin' about? Six years ago? - I'm not looking for a fight.

- Well, what the hell goin' on baby? - Don't get upset.

- I just asked you a question. - I'm not gettin' upset.

But one minute you comin' to me talkin' about is the car safe.

Next minute you talkin' about another room. Wh... What you really wanna know?

Don't put this on me, Bernie. I'm just saying, you know...

- if we bring another person in the house. - Bring what, who, where, baby?

- What are you talking about? - If you're gonna be like that, let's just drop it.

How am I acting? What... Wanda, what am I droppin'?

Huh? Baby!

- Wanda! - [Man] She's nesting, man.

- You're gonna have baby Bernies before you know it. - Yo, yo.

She's ready to have some mini-Macs, man. Uh-huh.

Nah, nah, nah, nah. Y'�ll wrong about that. Y'�ll-Y'�ll-Y'�ll truly wrong.

Wanda and I already talked about it, and we ain't havin' no baby.

- I put my foot down. - I put my foot down too. Four times.

- Kelly, how many kids I got now? - Four.

Hey, watch your back man.

- Watch yo back man. - Watch your back.

- Y'�ll ignorant. - Yeah, seriously ignorant.

Guess who's the big winner tonight?

- Bernie Mac. - [Chuckles]

But baby, I'd trade all my chips to get a little dip in your hip.

- You so silly, Bernie. - Mmm.

I wonder if our baby would be as funny as his daddy.

Funny? Baby?

Yeah. If we had a baby...

I wonder if he would have your sense of humor.

Why you asking? You trying to get pregnant?

- Wanda, you tryin' to have a baby on me. - What are you talking about?

No, I know what you talking about. Ow, boy.

All of a sudden, extra room, safe car.

- You ain't been takin' your pills, have you? - What?

- "What"? - What are you saying?

- What you think I'm sayin'? - What, you don't trust me?

What, you think I'm tryin' to trap you?

If you have that little faith in my character...

then it's best that we don't have a baby.

- That's what I'm talkin' about. - Why can't we have a baby?

- Wanda, why you vexin' on me like this? - I'm not vexin' on you.

You are. Next minute you're fightin', and one minute you cryin'.

- Make up your doggone mind. - You didn't answer my question.

- Oh, I answered your question. - What was it?

- We ain't havin' no baby. Case closed. - Case closed?

- Case closed. - Case closed.

Case closed.

Come on. We bigger than that. I know you ain't gonna sleep on no couch.

- Now, come on, now. - Oh, I'm not.

She's not sittin' here because she's really embarrassed.

She didn't wanna see this part again.

Let me tell y'�ll what happened.

She was so upset that day that she left the house...

and I had no idea where she went.

- Where's Aunt Wanda? - She's out, baby girl.

She promised she would make candles with us.

She said she was gonna love and obey me, so you see...

[Stomps Feet] I wanna make candles.

- Well, we can't right now, baby girl. - Why?

- Because Aunt Wanda's not here. - Is Aunt Wanda in the rehab?

Come on. Come on. I-I'll make some candles with you.

Your hour's up, ma'�m.

- Your fingers tired? - No, ma'�m.

- Then give me another hour. - Yes, ma'�m.

[Bernie] What color are you makin', Nessa?

I was gonna mix both these two colors together.

Jordan, be careful. You gettin' wax everywhere.

- You gotta be careful. - I'm making this candle for Aunt Wanda.

It's her favorite color.

Aw, that's nice, baby girl.

But I thought Aunt Wanda's favorite color was blue.

Aw. I mean, that's nice.

Auntie Wanda gonna love that, baby girl. That's nice.

- Hey, uh, where is Aunt Wanda? - Uh, she went to get some air.

[Slurping]

This time, put some sprinkles in it.

Miss, we don't usually put sprinkles in the shakes.

I'm paying you. Hook it up.

Please.

- Which one'd you make? - [Vanessa] I made all the cute ones.

- [Bernie] You would've. - [Jordan] I made the ones with faces like this one.

- [Vanessa] This one was funny. - Look at all the heads like sinister, like diabolical.

[Bryana] Hey, Uncle Bernie? Which one did you make?

- Mine didn't come out. - He made the one at the back.

- Yeah. - That one right here?

Kind of sucked. I'm telling you. I don't know.

- [Glass Clatters] - Aw! Baby girl, look at you.

- Ooh! Ooh! - Why's she always spilling stuff?

Vanessa, watch her. I gotta get some towels. Watch her!

- Candles are so... - No, don't touch it.

Aunt Wanda, you finally came home.

- We thought you were mad at us. - Kids, I'm not mad at you. Why would you say that?

'Cause you said you would play with us, but you went away.

- Yeah. We haven't seen you all day. - It's Bernie's fault, isn't it?

No. It's not his fault.

Well, partly.

But your Aunt Wanda has been going through her own thing...

and she's dealing with it.

What am I saying?

Look. I wanted to be the mom this week...

and I forgot about that...

and I'm sorry...

but... I have one day left...

and I wanna be the mom again.

What do you say? Let's go have some fun.

- [Children] Yeah! - Yeah!

?? [Guitar]

- [Lip-Synching] - ?? [Woman Singing Soul]

?? [Tempo Accelerates]

- ?? [Switches Off] - Yeah!

- Okay, kids. Time for bed. - [All] Already?

Yes, already. Go brush your teeth.

Go on. I'll be in to tuck you in in a minute.

? Doo, doo-doo Doo, doo-doo?

- So you're not mad at me anymore, huh? - We should talk.

Yeah.

Look, here's the thing.

I may not have communicated with you clearly about what I wanted.

But you can't shut the door on me when I talk to you.

Even if we've decided on something earlier.

Things change.

I've changed.

And I have a right to do that, don't I?

Yes.

And you have to respect that, right?

Right.

Come here, baby.

Hold on. Hold on, now.

I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't use the word "baby" for a while.

[Laughs] Come here.

- I love you, baby. - I love you too.

So it all worked out in the end.

It was a rough patch, but I said my piece...

and now my husband understands my feelings.

Look, baby. I'm gonna be straight with you, okay?

You're my wife, I love you...

and I respect you.

And if you wanna have a baby...

I'm gonna say...

let's just keep it on the table.

Now, that don't mean yes. It don't mean no, Wanda.

All it means is...

let's keep it on the table.

Really?

Really.

Thank you.

Now, listen. Give me a little privacy.

I wanna talk to America by myself for a little something.

- Okay. - Okay?

- Love you. - Love you, too, baby.

Said it first.

I thought she'd never leave.

Now I can say what I really feel. She must be crazier than a...

Bernie Mac ain't havin' no doggone baby. You got it?

And y'�ll better not tell. It's gonna be our little secret, America.

Case closed. Well, at least for now, 'cause people change.

I ain't never changing. I ain't changin' my mind for nothing.

Bernie, a 44-year-old, running around chasin' some doggone baby.

Goo, goo, gaa, gaa, my a... Excuse me.

Look, y'�ll know I ain't crazy. Y'�ll know it.

You feel the same way. What'd I look like sittin' up there...

"Get up; your time to change him"... in the middle of the doggone night.

Man, I'd be... 50, he'd be five.

I'm sittin' on a swing pushin' somebody.

Grabbing my chest. You crazy as heck. Hmph.

Have a baby. [Muttering]

- 'P rises. - Ah, she prob...

Maybe she'll bring a pizza or something.

Mmm. Pizza.

Uh... I think she was gonna bring crab legs.

- You like crab legs? - Yeah.

Yeah? What you like about em'?

Crab legs, and... hmm... shrimp and lobster.

Oh, that's your favorite?

Boy. Ain't nobody gonna take you out when you get big.

[People Laughing]