Original subtitles

EMILY: Da-ad?

Da-ad?

Emily?

I had a dream.

[WHISPERING] I know how you're gonna die.

- What?! - [CLATTER]

[SCREAMING]

What's... What's happening? What's happening?

She just said she knows how I'm gonna die.

Do we have life insurance?

[GROANS]

Can I have my iPad?

I want to look at pictures of mummies.

Can she?

What? No!

Go to bed!

Can I at least have a Popsicle?

Can she?

- Uh, no? No! - No.

No. Bed.

If you wake your sister, no more "National Geographic for Kids."

Bill, did you just threaten to punish her

by taking away geography?

Yep.

And I'll do it, too.

Her obsession with Ancient Egypt is very weird.

I love her, but she is just strange.

You know, she names all her bananas

and then does their screams while she eats them.

- Are we bad parents? - Ohh.

Probably.

She has zero friends.

You know, I wish she could just make one.

Must be why her teacher's making us come in for this conference.

Yeah, it's gotta be bad news, right?

Or else the teacher would just text us.

It's like, why don't people just text bad news?

Yeah, what, do you want to stare at us while we get bad news?

I mean, t-that's psycho.

Our daughter's insane, and the teacher's psycho.

Well, we figured it out. Great 2:00 a.m. talk, sweetie.

- [GRUNTS] - [GRUNTS]

[DOOR SLAMS, GIRL CRYING]

[GROANS]

And she woke the baby.

Okay, that's it! No more Egypt!

Aah!

♪♪

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

I hate the sunrise.

Yeah, me, too.

I'm already exhausted, and nothing's even happened yet.

Hey, look at this Facebook reminder.

10 years ago today... Whitewater rafting in Belize.

Wait, who's that guy you're kissing?

That's you.

Wow! I have so much hair.

I know.

I know.

But this is better.

Right?

Hmm?

Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely.

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com

Oh. Whatcha drawing?

My birthday party.

Yeah? You better leave room for your friends.

No, I'm done.

Good morning, my angels.

- Good morning, Mom. - Morning.

Hi, Grandma.

Hi, Grandma.

My medications are interacting with each other

in a very pleasant way this morning.

- Here you go, kids. - Yummy!

Or... Or maybe they'd like some of my bran cereal.

- Please, not this again. I can't. - Give me strength, Jesus.

I'm sorry, but, like all Americans,

these kids need more fiber.

What are they? 50-year-old cops? They'll be fine.

Oh, you laugh, but if you don't eat enough fiber,

I know how you're gonna die.

Look, Mom, if we give them bran, they won't eat it, okay?

Watch.

See?

You see?

Are we just going to let her throw her cereal?

Yes, that's... That's what 2-year-olds do.

[GASPS] But they might not,

if we team up together to establish consequences.

Oh! Like how you used to threaten to take my dog away?

Exactly! That worked!

Through fear!

Okay, Bill, what's your generation's enlightened way

of stopping the bran bandit?

Here you go, sweetie.

See?

My pops!

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Good, Lulu.

Grandma can't take you away.

Prepare to be e-mailed several articles.

Hey, remember when my mom moved in with us two years ago

because she was sick?

Then she got better and never left?

It was the worst miracle.

Honey, I love her,

but we cannot let her negativity get to us.

No, no, don't worry.

We will never treat the kids the way she treats us, okay?

Look, let... let's just make a conscious decision

to be positive, huh?

You know what? I like it.

How about this... How about we both say something

- that we're grateful for, okay? - Okay.

- I love yo... - I love Dan,

- the guy who trims our trees. - Huh? Oh.

Yeah, he's good.

Okay. Here you are, kiddo. Let me grab your backpack.

Oh, Bill, did you get her lunch?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bill, I don't remember rushing around like this

when I was raising you.

I guess I was organized.

Thanks, Mom.

Hey, babe, is this a leak?

You know, I did not marry a contractor to live like this.

We gotta hide that bucket. Chuy's coming over.

What? Why?

Because I couldn't get any of my other brothers to drive me to work.

Oh, come on. Don't let him in the house, okay?

I can't deal with his upbeat negativity.

He really is caring and helpful...

[WHISPERING] and annoying and so freakin' awful.

I love him.

- That lines up. - [CAR DOOR CLOSES]

[SIGHS] Crap. He's in the driveway.

Oh, just go. Just go. Get out the door. Don't worry about...

- Hey! - Hey!

What's going on there, bud? Good to see you, Chu.

I know you guys are too proud to ask for help,

so my wife, Brie, and I

put together a charity box for you.

Chuy, we both work for the family business.

I make the same as you do.

Come on, Jo. It's me, your brother!

The car is "in the shop,"

you're still living with Bill's mom.

No, she lives with us.

- It's unclear. - No, it isn't.

And I checked your recycling.

There were 12 beer cans in there.

So? [SCOFFS]

Look, I've been known to enjoy a cerveza on a Friday night

after the kids go to bed,

but each of you is drinking almost a beer a night.

Okay, well, most of those are Jo's, so...

I can barely see you guys behind all these red flags.

Okay, well, you should probably be getting off to work, huh?

- Time is money. - No, no, no. Time is time.

Maybe if you knew that, you'd have money.

♪ Z, Y, X, W, V, U, T... ♪

Oh, whatcha doing, sweetie?

The alphabet backwards.

Oh.

Aren't you gonna correct her?

They won't. I've tried.

We will just see what her teacher has to say about it

today at her conference.

Oh, so, you're gonna let the teacher parent your child for you?

[CHUCKLES]

Maybe.

See, Chuy, this is the attitude I was texting you about.

Okay, no, look, I got it, alright?

Hey. Hey, you.

Is everything alright at school? Hmm?

Have you been disruptive?

I don't know, Dad.

Have you been disruptive?

Boop!

I can't believe we're here

and my brother Gary's on a yacht in Italy.

Eight of my brothers are in court, on opposite sides.

I don't want to go to some dumb conference

and hear that we're bad parents.

This sucks.

Doesn't have to suck for both of us.

[MUFFLED] Oh, nice try. You're going.

Okay, you know what? We need a plan.

Can I make a positive suggestion?

- Okay? - Okay.

Uh...

you tend to need... everyone to like us,

so would you mind not holding my hand in there,

just to make us look good?

Okay. Can I make a positive suggestion?

Sure.

You get very emotional whenever we talk about the children,

so don't start crying

and then turn this into your personal therapy.

Alright, alright, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Just being positive again...

Don't laugh when she hasn't made a joke.

You do that, and it's weird.

Know what I mean?

Okay.

Also, being super positive...

Don't volunteer me to make tacos for the class,

or I will freak out.

Okay. Alright. That feels like enough positivity for n...

Oh, God. It's time.

Alright. Let's not overthink this.

We will listen, not talk.

It's about Emily, not us.

Great. Listen, don't talk. Got it.

- What's more important? - You know, Emily's independent.

- Friends or character? - Americans are independent.

Actually, that's why we celebrate Independence Day.

I mean, wasn't Einstein unusual?

Right. Wasn't Picasso?

Wasn't, uh... who's that fellow?

Armie Hammer?

First of all, hello.

[LAUGHS]

Not a joke.

Please, have a seat.

You seem nervous I called you in.

Of course I'm nervous. My daughter knows how I'm gonna die.

Well, I felt it important, given Emily's...

quirks, that you hear in person...

- Oh, boy. - Here we go.

That I think Emily is...

great.

Alright, listen, where do you get of...

Wait, what?

Wow. That's terrific.

That's actually a gigantic relief.

Also feels a bit like you could have texted it.

Yeah.

So, she gets along with other kids?

No. [SCOFFS]

But her best friend is her imagination.

She actually reminds me of a student I had years ago

who wound up going to Harvard.

- Neat. - Good for him!

Yeah, well, he was crushed by an avalanche.

Girl, he dead.

- Oh, no. - Sorry for your loss.

Anyway, Emily.

She struggles a bit socially, but still, she's happy,

so you must be great parents.

[GASPS]

Ohh!

Oh!

You know, uh, this morning,

my mom said that I was raising my kids wrong,

but she's wrong.

She...

[VOICE BREAKING] was wrong about me.

I'm sorry.

Mrs. Shaw, thank you so much.

My pleasure.

We're actually having

an international food day, if you want to volunteer.

Oh. Nope. Sorry. No, I can't. Gotta work. Sorry. Busy.

Emily's great! Positivity works!

Ohhh! [LAUGHS]

[GASPS]

I can't wait to rub it in my mom's face.

Me, too.

Hi!

Hi!

- Oh, who's that? - No clue.

♪♪

You're probably wondering why we invited you in.

You need money.

You see, today, we've decided to be positive.

Interesting.

And at our conference,

the teacher said she loves Emily.

Mm-hmm. And the teacher added

that Emily reminds her exactly of a student who went to...

Wait. Hold on a second. I forget.

Do you remember where it was, Jo?

Mm... Harvard.

Harvard.

That's a college, Mom.

And just for reference, dear brother,

where was it, again, that you went?

University of Longmont.

Well, in spite of both of you

thinking that we do everything wrong,

the teacher said that we are great parents.

Great...

parents.

This wine tastes cheap.

Yeah, well, last Christmas, you gave it to us.

Mom, look!

- Oh, my God! - What happened?!

Why is that outside her body?!

- I don't know! - Why?!

Bill, get Lulu! We have to go to the ER now!

It's a prolapsed rectum.

Well, now we have the wedding toast.

Oh, my God. Is she gonna be okay?

What happened?

Well, a prolapsed rectum is,

for lack of a more graceful description,

when your entire butt falls out of your body.

Okay, so anyone's butt can just fall out at... at any moment?

Yes.

That is such a design flaw!

I should know! I'm an engineer!

What kind of life is this?!

Bill, calmate.

Are we looking at surgery?

No, if she relaxes for an hour,

everything should naturally go back into her body,

and then you just need to make sure she gets enough fiber.

Do not tell that to my mother.

I... won't.

So, it won't happen again?

Oh, no, it could easily happen again,

and you'll never know when or where,

but also, maybe it won't.

Okay, so, on top of everything else that's going on,

we're essentially living with a butt time bomb.

Yes.

For your daughter's file, can you tell me what happened?

We don't know exactly.

We were in the other room, she screamed for us...

Yeah, you know how kids are constantly

screaming and it's usually nothing?

So, you typically ignore her screams?

No. I mean, we're not helicopter parents.

Right, but at the same time, we're not free-range parents.

We have no style. We're... We're kind of nothing parents.

Yeah, yeah, we're just sort of there,

yet at the same time... not.

Why are you writing so much?

Don't worry. This is just information for Jane.

Who's Jane?

Hi, I'm Jane Costa. I'm a social worker.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Social worker?

Do I need to call my attorney?

[SOFTLY] Do I need to Google attorneys and pick one really fast?

No, I just have to ask you a few questions

and make sure there are no parenting issues.

Okay.

Your kids have been to the ER three times already this year.

Oh, that's it?

Can you explain the reason for all these visits?

Well, the first visit was pinworms.

If we say anything more about it, I'll throw up.

The next visit...

well, Lulu had a temperature of 107.

It was actually a hospital record.

[CHUCKLES]

Not that we... care about those sorts of things.

Uh, the third visit was... again, pinworms.

Do you have a garbage pail?

Is there a problem?

I mean, it's clear nothing criminal took place.

Maybe just a little bit of negligent parenting.

- Excuse me? - No, you know what?

Hearing it out loud, I'm beginning to see her side of this.

No.

How old are you, Jane?

23.

And do you have children, Jane?

It's not good when she starts saying your name like that.

- Not now, Bill. - Okay.

No offense... This isn't about me.

It's about you.

Oh, but this is about you,

because you have no idea what life is.

- I'm sorry? - 10 years ago, I was you.

No responsibilities, life was easy,

and now I haven't used a bathroom by myself

in six years!

That's a little bit on me, actually.

You have no idea the pressure of raising kids,

knowing that you can't possibly do everything right,

but you have to do it anyway,

while your mother-in-law questions

every single thing you do.

That's kind of a cheap shot.

And still, you make sure

that your beautiful child is safe,

and you send her out into the world,

and no one at school will be friends with her,

and then her organs just go flying out of her body!

So, God forbid, if in the middle of all this chaos, Jane,

you have a sip of wine and something bad happens!

Well, let me tell you, that is not negligence!

It's called life!

I don't even know what time it is anymore.

- 3:00 a.m. - It's 3:00 a.m., Jane!

So, if my daughter's butt is back in her body,

we would very much like to go home now, Jane!

Yeah!

♪♪

Hey. How we doing?

Everything's back where it's supposed to be.

She's good to go.

Ah, thank you, Doctor.

I heard you yelled at Jane.

Yeah. Sorry. I snapped.

I'm a parent. I understand.

Sometimes you just need to yell at a stranger.

Besides, she made a big error

in the softball game last weekend, so... good.

Hey. Look what we got you.

His name is Samuel,

he lives in Antarctica,

and his main predator is seals.

Okay, kiddo. Time to go.

It was fun watching a movie with you, Kimmy.

Thanks for teaching me about mummies.

No problem. They're very interesting.

Can you come play with me sometime?

That would be fun. Bye.

Bye.

Dad.

I get to go home, but Kimmy has to stay here,

and I don't want her to be alone.

Sam will take care of you.

Thank you.

Guess we're doing something right.

[VOICE BREAKING] Hey, keep him away from seals, Kimmy.

Oh. Okay.

♪♪

Life is so weird.

We're positive, and then a butt disaster happens.

Then we're negative, and Emily finally makes a friend.

People who don't have children are stupid

and understand nothing

and are also very, very lucky.

Hey. Let's be grateful.

Seeing all those kids in the hospitals...

- No, I know. I know. - Ohh.

We're blessed.

- Hey. - Hmm?

[POLICE SIREN CHIRPS]

The universe hates us!

Sir, have you been drinking tonight?

You reek of alcohol.

Oh, right. No.

Uh, about nine hours ago,

my wife threw a glass of white wine on me.

By accident. [CHUCKLES]

Uh-huh.

Hey, have you ever heard of a prolapsed rectum?

Sir, please step out of the car.

- ♪ Oh ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Oh ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Woman, I can do anything you like ♪

♪ I can do anything you need ♪

♪ Ain't I got a better body ♪

♪ Than the magazines you read? ♪

♪ None of them boys know the first thing about your fantasy ♪

♪ And if they tried, they cannot do it just like me ♪

♪ I know you certainly been gone ♪

M, L, K, J, I...

I...

- H! - H!

- G, F, E, D... - G, F, E, D...

- C, B, A! - C, B, A!

- Yay! - Yay!

Whoo-hoo! Whoo!

I always do the alphabet backwards.

And I will never correct anything she does.

I mean, we're great parents.

Who are you to tell me what's right or wrong?

I'm a police officer.

How about I drive home?

Hey, we did it.

We made it home.

[LAUGHS]

It's not a joke.

I hate the sunrise.

- The worst. - Ugh.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Look at everything that happened just today, huh?

That was, uh...

Oh, that was, uh...

so much life.

[SIGHS]

Too much life.

I, um...

I have no idea what I'm doing.

Me either, babe.

But... I know we can get through anything, together.

Good morning!

- Good night. - Good night.

Hey! I thought you were trying to be positive.