Original subtitles

Come on, Emily. Time to go.

Oh, my God. It's 7:05!

How is it so early and we're already so late?

Phone. Where's my phone?

- Where's my phone? - Babe, I'm sorry.

I can't pretend to care where your phone is right now.

- Hon, call it, please. - Okay.

Hey, where's my phone?

Jo? Jo, where's my phone?

- Really, babe? - I need it!

I need... Mom, Mom. [WHISTLES]

Could you call my phone, please?

- Yeah. It's ringing. - [CELLPHONE VIBRATING]

Shut up! Everyone shut up!

Oop. Got it.

- Call mine. - Yeah.

Wa-ah! Ooh!

Good morning.

Mom, could you at least help us get Emily's shoes on, please?

Yeah, I-I-I would love to, but...

[RETCHES, SPITS]

I'm very busy.

Busy being disgusting or...?

No! [LAUGHS]

No, I'm harvesting my saliva.

I'm doing it for an Ancestry DNA kit.

They take three test tubes of spit

and weave together the tapestry of your heritage.

Weave the what?

Bill, get the lunches, please.

Emily, put your shoes on.

- Why? - Because we have to go to school.

I don't want to go to school!

I don't want to do anything I'm doing, so...

Fine, if you don't want to put on your shoes,

Mommy will just put them on for you.

[SCREAMS]

I'm not even touching you.

[SINGSONG VOICE] Carpool's here!

It is way too early for that.

Early? It's 7:09.

I've already taken 30,000 steps and read the Bible.

And I fixed your mailbox on the way in.

I was gonna get to that this weekend.

Yeah, well, it was on my "to-do for you list."

And I know you don't respect breakfast,

so I brought over some organic granola.

Thank you.

Sometimes you're a nice brother.

It's for Sandy.

Thank you, Chuy.

I'm sure I'll enjoy it

as soon as I replenish my saliva.

Mm.

Chuy, you are an inspiration.

Honestly, I don't know why these two

can't get out the door in the morning.

Well, behind every man is a great woman just doing it all.

You know, my wife, Brie.

Hey, Bill?

It's too bad Jo can't do it all.

Right, Bill?

I'm gonna go get my bag.

Oh, Bill, Bill, can you get the check for the day care?

Wait, what did you just say?

The check for the...

Day care?

My beautiful goddaughter's in day care?

- [SPITS] - Exactly!

This child is a genius.

She needs to be in preschool.

Well, good reason she's not.

We forgot to apply.

[SCOFFS]

You forgot?

Well, you know how it is with your second kid...

Sort of forget you have them?

Alright, so, Lulu's just gonna rot for a year

with a bunch of dum-dum babies?

Hey, hey!

Some of them are toddlers.

Okay, I will fix this.

I'll put in a word with Rainbow Beginnings.

It's where my kids went, and they're perfect.

These kids aren't.

Yeah, thanks, Chuy, but we can take care of our own kids.

Let's go. Bill, get the stroller.

Okay.

[CHUY LAUGHS]

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com

[KEYS CLATTER]

Oh, my God.

It's 7:05.

How is it so early and feels so late?

So, is there just always traffic now?

Is that it?

Let's homeschool the kids.

[CHUCKLES]

Because of traffic?

Maybe.

- What's for dinner? - [SIGHS]

Why does there have to be dinner every night?

Do you think there's any chance in the world

your mom made dinner for us?

I just had the most wonderful dinner.

I'm so glad I took that cooking-for-one class.

Oh, yum!

We can't keep going across town every day

for the next three years.

Maybe you should take Chuy up on his advice.

I mean, I looked at the website for Rainbow Beginnings,

and it looks like a terrific preschool.

And it's a block away from Emily's school.

It is?

Anyway, I'm dying to get my test results back

from the DNA thing.

I know we're Irish, but this is an Italian nose.

Somebody had an affair.

As... urgent as that is,

babe, how did we not know that Rainbow Beginnings is so close?

We got to do this.

I mean, it's one drop-off.

That's the dream.

Do we... dare to dream?

I had penne for dinner.

Oh, fun fact!

"Penne" means "penis"!

Who knew?!

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Sweetheart, with one drop-off,

I could actually get to work on time.

You know, they never promote me 'cause I always show up sweaty,

and, you know... they never promote the sweaty guy.

Yes, but Lulu loves it where she is.

I mean, she's made friends.

True, true. Pulling her out right now would be traumatic.

You're right.

Eh. We never get to see our friends. Why should she?

Let's do it.

I think you're making a wonderful decision.

Well, the fact that you're on board makes me hate it,

- but we're still gonna do it. - We're gonna do it.

Wow. Ms. Molina, this place is gorgeous.

The little desks and the little chairs.

It's like a little school.

It is. It is a preschool.

That is, without a doubt,

the finest sandbox I have ever seen.

Thank you.

And, of course, we take safety very seriously.

Obviously, this is a nut-free zone.

Oh, well, that might be a problem

because Lulu is a bit of a nut.

[LAUGHS]

Nuts can kill some of our students.

Yeah, Jo, come on.

Excuse me.

So, I hope... you know isn't intimidated.

This is a big step. I know.

I know. It's all kind of hitting me, you know?

She's not a baby anymore, and, uh,

we're not... not having any more babies.

- Dear God, no. - No. That's it.

It's like... no more babies.

[VOICE BREAKING] I love babies.

Ooh. Sorry.

Well, you're in the system now, Lulu.

It's over. Good luck.

Lulu... I know this place is big and scary,

but you know what?

In a few days, you're gonna make some friends and...

Bye!

[SCREAMS]

That bitch.

Doesn't she know how emotionally fragile we are right now?

[SIGHS]

So, now what?

Well, now we walk Emily next door to her school,

and we have 45 minutes until work starts,

so maybe we have a...

[GASPS]

- [TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS] - Car party!

[MUSIC STOPS]

I have been staring at my phone

for eight solid minutes without anyone interrupting.

Hey, did you know that we had a new President?

Reaction... is real mixed.

I cannot wait to waste this time every day!

I'm not gonna do anything responsible.

Uhp! Score. Half-eaten baggie of Goldfish.

Ooh, gimme!

Ohh!

- Mm. Here, catch. - Oh.

There we go.

This is our best date ever.

Oh, God. That's sad.

No, this is amazing.

[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]

Oh. It's the preschool.

Hello?

Okay.

- Okay. Shh! - What's happening?

Okay, thank you. We will be right in.

- Thank you. - What happened?

Lulu bit Casper.

So...

Casper is a child?

Someone chose to name their child... Casper?

Guessing you've heard all

- the "friendly ghost" jokes... - I've heard them.

I mean, they're kids.

Biting's a thing that happens, right?

It's not that big a deal.

Mommy!

Oh, my God!

We're also learning about cherries.

- [GASPS] Oh. - [SIGHING] Okay.

[KEYS CLATTER]

Oh, good. You're home.

Doesn't this look exactly like me?

BILL: Ohh.

Hitting the wine a little early tonight, huh?

I'm telling you, we're Italian.

That explains why I love pasta.

Definitely explains why I love penne.

Because I told you last night that "penne" means...

- Yeah, yeah, we got it! - Would you stop talking, please?

- Penis. - [THUD]

How was Lulu's first day?

Oh, it was amazing.

- It was really, really great. - So good!

We're not gonna tell her about the biting, right?

Oh, never. Her or Chuy.

SANDY: Oh, my God!

Hopefully, that just means we're related to Pacino or something.

I just found this in Lulu's bag.

It says she's a-a... a biter?

"Incident report"?

Well, the school already told us.

They also have to write her up?

This thing is eight pages long!

There's recommended reading?

How did we end up with homework?

They never did this kind of thing at Emily's preschool.

Yeah, the only time they ever called us

was when our check bounced.

The pictures from the security cameras are very disturbing.

Lulu looks up at the camera and laughs.

I think she bit Casper for a thrill.

Mom, kids bite, okay? It's fine.

Well, you did have that "rubbing yourself against blocks"

incident in the first grade.

Mom!

What?

No, I-I... I was...

cleaning them on my pants.

You know, your dad was a biter.

Not that I didn't enjoy it from time to time...

- Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! - Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

A biter? A biter?!

How do you know?

I'm on the board. I get every incident report.

Why?

[SIGHS] This needs to be handled.

Okay.

Okay, uh... Lulu doesn't have our last name.

She has Bill's last name, so that's good.

Um, I can call in some favors.

We can steal the footage.

And we need to go on the attack.

We are gonna destroy Casper.

I was thinking exactly the same thing.

Oh, you are as wise as you are beautiful.

Oh, Chuy.

Can we have a snack?

Okay.

Could you two give us a sec so we could talk to Lulu?

Or... just stay right there. Whatever.

Hey, Lulu?

Today you did something that was...

not okay.

I don't think that really sunk in.

Mom, please?

Lulu, you bit Casper, and that's a no-no.

Okay? We don't bite, okay?

Look.

Rrrrnh!

No.

Rrrrnh!

That's a no.

Blapo do.

"Blapo do" means "okay."

Blah-bleep dookey do.

Blah-bleep dookey do.

She's got it.

Bah-bleep do-do-do.

[LAUGHS]

- What... - What does that mean?

It's a sick burn.

So, that's handled.

??

Hey, Ms. Molina.

Thank you so much for the incident report.

We did all the recommended reading.

Supes interesting. [CHUCKLES]

I actually tapped out around 2:00 a.m.,

but I get the gist... Biting bad.

Great.

And obviously, Lulu is new.

It's normal to have bumps in the road.

Thank you so much for understanding.

Just let us know if there's anything else you need from us.

- Alright. - Wait.

Where are you going?

- To work. - To work.

To stop biting behavior,

you need to catch it in action and redirect it.

Well, good luck catching it.

And redirecting it.

And the parents need to do the observing and redirecting

for it to be most effective.

This was all in the recommended reading.

- It was? - Yeah, Bill. [SCOFFS]

Let me get this straight... Instead of going to work,

you want us to... stay here and watch our kid?

At the place we thought we were paying to watch our kid?

Thank you!

??

[KIDS SCREAMING]

Hey. How'd the first shift go?

It was the world's most boring stakeout.

Four hours of absolutely nothing.

Although, a good portion of that was a nap.

Oh, so, the kids napped already?

Sure. Yeah. Let's say it was them.

Babe, I can't believe this is happening.

You know, Emily was supposed to be the weird one

- and Lulu was easy. - I know.

Now the easy one is the... psycho one

and the weird one is...

well, still the weird one.

MS. MOLINA: Lulu!

Maybe there's two Lulus?

There has been a second, more disturbing incident.

So, she killed someone or...?

??

Lulu kissed Casper.

My son was kissed!

Kissed.

These are Casper's parents, Kendra and Casper Senior.

- [SNORTS] - [LAUGHS]

[COUGHS]

[GRUNTS]

They have asked to have a dialogue.

Last night, Casper was so upset,

he couldn't even eat his vegetables.

Yeah, that sounds unrelated.

He's vegan.

He's literally starving.

Was probably starving before.

Hello.

They're just children. I mean, come on.

Haven't you guys been through this with your other kids?

Um, we care about the environment,

so Casper is our only child, and...

So... Okay...

So, you guys don't know anything? Okay.

I'm sorry?

Eh, it's alright. No need to apologize.

Look, why don't we just keep Casper and Lulu

away from each other, okay?

Well, not okay, because Lulu is Casper's only friend.

What is happening?

It's the process.

We'd like to engage in regular mediation sessions,

- and in a few months, when we finish... - Months? Whoa, whoa.

We can't do that. We work.

Have you heard of that? Work?

Yes. We've heard of that.

Then why don't you have to do it?

My great-grandfather invented straws.

And I married him.

Okay, that does seem like a lot of work, actually.

Let's keep the focus on the children.

Here's what happened... Lulu had Magna-Tiles.

Casper wanted them, he tried to take them,

so she bit him.

She was just protecting herself.

Au contraire!

Lulu aggressively invaded Casper's space by kissing him.

If she was a CEO, she would be fired.

Maybe not.

No, no, no, no. That's up to the shareholders.

Will you listen to us? We all sound stupid!

Often, the process does not...

sound smart.

Look, all kids are psycho, okay?

I took the day off to learn that...

Roberto eats sand, Julia picks her nose,

Felix cleans the blocks on his pants.

You know what? I'm sorry.

I-I should be at work. Okay?

I don't believe we've finished.

Uh, I'm sorry, but all we want from preschool

is to drop our kid off and pick her up.

Right, and we ask, "How was school?" and she says,

"Good," and that's it.

Yeah, and then... And then we're...

We're like, "Oh, come on, something must have happened."

And she's like, "Why do you guys need to know everything?

Get off my back!" You know what I mean?

Yeah, and then... and then she, like, storms up to her room,

and we're like, "What the hell's her problem?"

And then we don't know what to do, so we say something like,

"Hey! No vaping!"

That's it! Okay?

We just want 12 years of that!

Normal stuff!

- Right, normal. - Okay?

- Normal! - You know, just normal.

- Normal! - You know, like a normal life,

- like normal people would... - Normal!

- You know, normal... - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Can I see you in the time-out tent?

[WHISPERING] You're in trouble.

??

Thank. You. For. That.

What?

So, we're not in trouble?

Because that little rat with the mustache

said we were in trouble.

The parents get worse every year.

Biting is totally age-appropriate.

But these parents get way too involved in their kids' lives.

Ah, well, you never have to worry about that with us.

Get out of here and go to work.

We don't need to talk for the rest of the year.

[GASPS] Really?

Yeah. I like kids.

But I hate parents.

No offense.

Are you kidding?

We hate parents, too!

I was so worried because you're Chuy's sister.

He is...

Oh, yeah, he is.

And I've got nine brothers.

He's the best one.

He always makes us feel bad 'cause his kids are perfect.

Perfect? Ha.

One of them used to poop in the cubby.

We are gonna be best friends.

Anyway, will you do me a favor

and look really upset when we leave the tent?

Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm a good fake crier.

Fake?

[CHUCKLING] Okay.

We got reamed.

Yeah, we learned a big lesson today.

[WHISPERING] We didn't learn a lesson at all.

??

Well, the biter's down.

What about the weirdo?

She wouldn't brush her teeth,

and then she drew a spider on her face.

Eh, we'll wash it off in the morning.

With a Sharpie.

Does it look cool?

Nope.

I have terrible news.

Uh-oh. What happened?

We're not Italian.

We're Dutch!

I'm-a so sad!

[SOBBING]

Mom, you're crushing my penne.

Oh! I'm so...

??

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