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1
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EMILY: Da-ad?
2
00:00:02,930 --> 00:00:05,444
Da-ad?
3
00:00:05,469 --> 00:00:06,804
Emily?
4
00:00:06,957 --> 00:00:08,890
I had a dream.
5
00:00:10,194 --> 00:00:12,109
[WHISPERING] I know
how you're gonna die.
6
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- What?!
- [CLATTER]
7
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[SCREAMING]
8
00:00:15,001 --> 00:00:16,594
What's... What's happening?
What's happening?
9
00:00:16,618 --> 00:00:19,015
She just said she knows
how I'm gonna die.
10
00:00:20,435 --> 00:00:21,929
Do we have life insurance?
11
00:00:21,954 --> 00:00:23,804
[GROANS]
12
00:00:23,829 --> 00:00:25,218
Can I have my iPad?
13
00:00:25,243 --> 00:00:27,507
I want to look at pictures of mummies.
14
00:00:28,132 --> 00:00:29,531
Can she?
15
00:00:29,813 --> 00:00:30,979
What? No!
16
00:00:31,004 --> 00:00:32,004
Go to bed!
17
00:00:32,029 --> 00:00:34,329
Can I at least have a Popsicle?
18
00:00:34,511 --> 00:00:36,077
Can she?
19
00:00:36,204 --> 00:00:37,867
- Uh, no? No!
- No.
20
00:00:37,892 --> 00:00:39,391
No. Bed.
21
00:00:39,416 --> 00:00:42,187
If you wake your sister,
no more "National Geographic for Kids."
22
00:00:43,730 --> 00:00:45,593
Bill, did you just threaten
to punish her
23
00:00:45,618 --> 00:00:47,251
by taking away geography?
24
00:00:47,276 --> 00:00:48,409
Yep.
25
00:00:48,434 --> 00:00:50,210
And I'll do it, too.
26
00:00:51,076 --> 00:00:54,101
Her obsession with Ancient
Egypt is very weird.
27
00:00:54,495 --> 00:00:57,578
I love her, but she is just strange.
28
00:00:57,603 --> 00:00:59,769
You know, she names all her bananas
29
00:00:59,794 --> 00:01:02,061
and then does their screams
while she eats them.
30
00:01:05,820 --> 00:01:08,124
- Are we bad parents?
- Ohh.
31
00:01:08,610 --> 00:01:10,203
Probably.
32
00:01:11,302 --> 00:01:13,179
She has zero friends.
33
00:01:13,204 --> 00:01:14,870
You know,
I wish she could just make one.
34
00:01:14,895 --> 00:01:17,640
Must be why her teacher's making
us come in for this conference.
35
00:01:17,665 --> 00:01:18,976
Yeah, it's gotta be bad news, right?
36
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:20,274
Or else the teacher would just text us.
37
00:01:20,298 --> 00:01:22,343
It's like, why don't people
just text bad news?
38
00:01:22,368 --> 00:01:24,414
Yeah, what, do you want to stare
at us while we get bad news?
39
00:01:24,438 --> 00:01:25,937
I mean, t-that's psycho.
40
00:01:27,526 --> 00:01:29,640
Our daughter's insane,
and the teacher's psycho.
41
00:01:29,665 --> 00:01:32,242
Well, we figured it out.
Great 2:00 a.m. talk, sweetie.
42
00:01:33,271 --> 00:01:35,734
- [GRUNTS]
- [GRUNTS]
43
00:01:35,759 --> 00:01:36,759
[DOOR SLAMS, GIRL CRYING]
44
00:01:36,784 --> 00:01:37,765
[GROANS]
45
00:01:37,790 --> 00:01:39,218
And she woke the baby.
46
00:01:39,243 --> 00:01:41,210
Okay, that's it! No more Egypt!
47
00:01:41,477 --> 00:01:42,908
Aah!
48
00:01:42,933 --> 00:01:48,312
??
49
00:01:48,337 --> 00:01:50,070
[SIGHS]
50
00:01:50,956 --> 00:01:52,413
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
51
00:01:53,681 --> 00:01:54,713
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
52
00:01:54,738 --> 00:01:56,523
I hate the sunrise.
53
00:01:58,679 --> 00:02:00,070
Yeah, me, too.
54
00:02:00,095 --> 00:02:02,362
I'm already exhausted,
and nothing's even happened yet.
55
00:02:04,515 --> 00:02:06,609
Hey, look at this Facebook reminder.
56
00:02:06,634 --> 00:02:10,038
10 years ago today...
Whitewater rafting in Belize.
57
00:02:10,230 --> 00:02:11,696
Wait, who's that guy you're kissing?
58
00:02:11,721 --> 00:02:13,085
That's you.
59
00:02:13,672 --> 00:02:16,124
Wow! I have so much hair.
60
00:02:18,044 --> 00:02:19,429
I know.
61
00:02:19,454 --> 00:02:20,820
I know.
62
00:02:24,304 --> 00:02:25,828
But this is better.
63
00:02:25,853 --> 00:02:27,186
Right?
64
00:02:27,211 --> 00:02:28,242
Hmm?
65
00:02:28,267 --> 00:02:29,929
Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely.
66
00:02:38,417 --> 00:02:42,196
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com
67
00:02:43,884 --> 00:02:46,404
Oh. Whatcha drawing?
68
00:02:46,429 --> 00:02:47,572
My birthday party.
69
00:02:47,597 --> 00:02:49,228
Yeah? You better leave
room for your friends.
70
00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:50,518
No, I'm done.
71
00:02:52,030 --> 00:02:53,912
Good morning, my angels.
72
00:02:53,937 --> 00:02:54,938
- Good morning, Mom.
- Morning.
73
00:02:54,962 --> 00:02:55,985
Hi, Grandma.
74
00:02:56,010 --> 00:02:57,376
Hi, Grandma.
75
00:02:58,378 --> 00:03:00,685
My medications are
interacting with each other
76
00:03:00,710 --> 00:03:02,944
in a very pleasant way this morning.
77
00:03:05,551 --> 00:03:07,548
- Here you go, kids.
- Yummy!
78
00:03:07,573 --> 00:03:10,307
Or... Or maybe they'd like
some of my bran cereal.
79
00:03:10,554 --> 00:03:12,775
- Please, not this again. I can't.
- Give me strength, Jesus.
80
00:03:12,799 --> 00:03:15,066
I'm sorry, but, like all Americans,
81
00:03:15,091 --> 00:03:17,048
these kids need more fiber.
82
00:03:17,073 --> 00:03:19,374
What are they? 50-year-old cops?
They'll be fine.
83
00:03:21,138 --> 00:03:24,976
Oh, you laugh,
but if you don't eat enough fiber,
84
00:03:25,001 --> 00:03:27,032
I know how you're gonna die.
85
00:03:30,481 --> 00:03:33,785
Look, Mom, if we give them bran,
they won't eat it, okay?
86
00:03:33,810 --> 00:03:34,946
Watch.
87
00:03:35,188 --> 00:03:36,255
See?
88
00:03:40,602 --> 00:03:41,693
You see?
89
00:03:41,718 --> 00:03:44,470
Are we just going to let
her throw her cereal?
90
00:03:44,495 --> 00:03:46,565
Yes, that's...
That's what 2-year-olds do.
91
00:03:46,590 --> 00:03:48,089
[GASPS] But they might not,
92
00:03:48,114 --> 00:03:52,571
if we team up together to
establish consequences.
93
00:03:52,596 --> 00:03:55,282
Oh! Like how you used to
threaten to take my dog away?
94
00:03:55,307 --> 00:03:57,709
Exactly! That worked!
95
00:03:57,734 --> 00:03:59,211
Through fear!
96
00:03:59,236 --> 00:04:03,048
Okay, Bill, what's your generation's
enlightened way
97
00:04:03,073 --> 00:04:05,173
of stopping the bran bandit?
98
00:04:09,793 --> 00:04:10,925
Here you go, sweetie.
99
00:04:10,950 --> 00:04:12,283
See?
100
00:04:12,541 --> 00:04:14,165
My pops!
101
00:04:15,706 --> 00:04:16,829
Mm-hmm.
102
00:04:16,854 --> 00:04:18,053
Mm-hmm.
103
00:04:23,568 --> 00:04:25,170
Good, Lulu.
104
00:04:25,407 --> 00:04:27,595
Grandma can't take you away.
105
00:04:27,977 --> 00:04:31,274
Prepare to be e-mailed several articles.
106
00:04:33,615 --> 00:04:36,881
Hey, remember when my mom
moved in with us two years ago
107
00:04:36,906 --> 00:04:38,116
because she was sick?
108
00:04:38,141 --> 00:04:39,818
Then she got better and never left?
109
00:04:39,843 --> 00:04:41,776
It was the worst miracle.
110
00:04:43,191 --> 00:04:44,489
Honey, I love her,
111
00:04:44,514 --> 00:04:46,649
but we cannot let her
negativity get to us.
112
00:04:46,674 --> 00:04:47,674
No, no, don't worry.
113
00:04:47,698 --> 00:04:49,961
We will never treat the kids
the way she treats us, okay?
114
00:04:49,986 --> 00:04:52,731
Look, let... let's just make
a conscious decision
115
00:04:52,756 --> 00:04:54,322
to be positive, huh?
116
00:04:54,424 --> 00:04:56,484
You know what? I like it.
117
00:04:56,509 --> 00:04:58,593
How about this...
How about we both say something
118
00:04:58,618 --> 00:05:00,611
- that we're grateful for, okay?
- Okay.
119
00:05:00,737 --> 00:05:01,939
- I love yo...
- I love Dan,
120
00:05:01,964 --> 00:05:04,017
- the guy who trims our trees.
- Huh? Oh.
121
00:05:04,834 --> 00:05:06,268
Yeah, he's good.
122
00:05:06,478 --> 00:05:09,228
Okay. Here you are, kiddo.
Let me grab your backpack.
123
00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:12,417
Oh, Bill, did you get her lunch?
124
00:05:12,442 --> 00:05:13,574
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
125
00:05:13,599 --> 00:05:15,931
Bill, I don't remember
rushing around like this
126
00:05:15,956 --> 00:05:17,268
when I was raising you.
127
00:05:17,293 --> 00:05:18,926
I guess I was organized.
128
00:05:20,993 --> 00:05:21,993
Thanks, Mom.
129
00:05:22,018 --> 00:05:24,029
Hey, babe, is this a leak?
130
00:05:24,054 --> 00:05:27,588
You know, I did not marry
a contractor to live like this.
131
00:05:28,269 --> 00:05:30,301
We gotta hide that bucket.
Chuy's coming over.
132
00:05:30,326 --> 00:05:31,595
What? Why?
133
00:05:31,620 --> 00:05:33,909
Because I couldn't get any of my
other brothers to drive me to work.
134
00:05:33,933 --> 00:05:35,836
Oh, come on.
Don't let him in the house, okay?
135
00:05:35,861 --> 00:05:38,072
I can't deal with his upbeat negativity.
136
00:05:38,097 --> 00:05:40,931
He really is caring and helpful...
137
00:05:40,956 --> 00:05:43,924
[WHISPERING] and annoying
and so freakin' awful.
138
00:05:44,656 --> 00:05:46,361
I love him.
139
00:05:47,188 --> 00:05:48,963
- That lines up.
- [CAR DOOR CLOSES]
140
00:05:48,988 --> 00:05:51,164
[SIGHS] Crap. He's in the driveway.
141
00:05:51,189 --> 00:05:53,647
Oh, just go. Just go. Get out
the door. Don't worry about...
142
00:05:54,316 --> 00:05:56,227
- Hey!
- Hey!
143
00:05:56,252 --> 00:05:58,172
What's going on there, bud?
Good to see you, Chu.
144
00:05:58,197 --> 00:06:00,297
I know you guys are too
proud to ask for help,
145
00:06:00,322 --> 00:06:01,821
so my wife, Brie, and I
146
00:06:01,846 --> 00:06:04,041
put together a charity box for you.
147
00:06:05,094 --> 00:06:07,772
Chuy, we both work
for the family business.
148
00:06:07,797 --> 00:06:09,297
I make the same as you do.
149
00:06:09,322 --> 00:06:11,976
Come on, Jo. It's me, your brother!
150
00:06:12,001 --> 00:06:13,521
The car is "in the shop,"
151
00:06:13,546 --> 00:06:15,236
you're still living with Bill's mom.
152
00:06:15,261 --> 00:06:16,661
No, she lives with us.
153
00:06:16,686 --> 00:06:18,483
- It's unclear.
- No, it isn't.
154
00:06:18,916 --> 00:06:21,086
And I checked your recycling.
155
00:06:21,343 --> 00:06:23,444
There were 12 beer cans in there.
156
00:06:23,469 --> 00:06:25,023
So? [SCOFFS]
157
00:06:25,048 --> 00:06:28,082
Look, I've been known to enjoy
a cerveza on a Friday night
158
00:06:28,107 --> 00:06:29,894
after the kids go to bed,
159
00:06:29,919 --> 00:06:32,987
but each of you is drinking
almost a beer a night.
160
00:06:33,928 --> 00:06:36,601
Okay, well, most
of those are Jo's, so...
161
00:06:36,923 --> 00:06:40,157
I can barely see you guys
behind all these red flags.
162
00:06:40,244 --> 00:06:42,851
Okay, well, you should probably
be getting off to work, huh?
163
00:06:42,876 --> 00:06:45,677
- Time is money.
- No, no, no. Time is time.
164
00:06:45,702 --> 00:06:47,535
Maybe if you knew that,
you'd have money.
165
00:06:48,976 --> 00:06:52,484
? Z, Y, X, W, V, U, T... ?
166
00:06:52,509 --> 00:06:54,122
Oh, whatcha doing, sweetie?
167
00:06:54,147 --> 00:06:56,477
The alphabet backwards.
168
00:06:56,579 --> 00:06:57,945
Oh.
169
00:06:57,970 --> 00:06:59,491
Aren't you gonna correct her?
170
00:06:59,618 --> 00:07:01,585
They won't. I've tried.
171
00:07:02,504 --> 00:07:05,396
We will just see what her
teacher has to say about it
172
00:07:05,421 --> 00:07:06,904
today at her conference.
173
00:07:06,936 --> 00:07:09,378
Oh, so, you're gonna let the teacher
parent your child for you?
174
00:07:09,402 --> 00:07:10,902
[CHUCKLES]
175
00:07:10,927 --> 00:07:12,126
Maybe.
176
00:07:13,245 --> 00:07:17,408
See, Chuy, this is the attitude
I was texting you about.
177
00:07:17,433 --> 00:07:19,344
Okay, no, look, I got it, alright?
178
00:07:19,369 --> 00:07:21,241
Hey. Hey, you.
179
00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:23,214
Is everything alright at school? Hmm?
180
00:07:23,239 --> 00:07:24,622
Have you been disruptive?
181
00:07:24,647 --> 00:07:25,835
I don't know, Dad.
182
00:07:25,860 --> 00:07:28,286
Have you been disruptive?
183
00:07:28,311 --> 00:07:29,510
Boop!
184
00:07:37,453 --> 00:07:38,584
I can't believe we're here
185
00:07:38,609 --> 00:07:40,788
and my brother Gary's
on a yacht in Italy.
186
00:07:40,813 --> 00:07:43,758
Eight of my brothers are in court,
on opposite sides.
187
00:07:45,479 --> 00:07:47,289
I don't want to go to
some dumb conference
188
00:07:47,314 --> 00:07:49,023
and hear that we're bad parents.
189
00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:50,632
This sucks.
190
00:07:50,657 --> 00:07:52,034
Doesn't have to suck for both of us.
191
00:07:52,058 --> 00:07:54,058
[MUFFLED] Oh, nice try. You're going.
192
00:07:55,980 --> 00:07:58,514
Okay, you know what? We need a plan.
193
00:07:58,631 --> 00:08:00,430
Can I make a positive suggestion?
194
00:08:00,455 --> 00:08:01,773
- Okay?
- Okay.
195
00:08:01,798 --> 00:08:03,464
Uh...
196
00:08:03,829 --> 00:08:06,881
you tend to need... everyone to like us,
197
00:08:06,906 --> 00:08:08,806
so would you mind not
holding my hand in there,
198
00:08:08,831 --> 00:08:10,133
just to make us look good?
199
00:08:10,939 --> 00:08:13,312
Okay. Can I make a positive suggestion?
200
00:08:13,337 --> 00:08:14,344
Sure.
201
00:08:14,369 --> 00:08:16,991
You get very emotional whenever
we talk about the children,
202
00:08:17,016 --> 00:08:18,359
so don't start crying
203
00:08:18,384 --> 00:08:20,284
and then turn this into
your personal therapy.
204
00:08:20,309 --> 00:08:22,539
Alright, alright, okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
205
00:08:22,564 --> 00:08:24,397
Just being positive again...
206
00:08:24,422 --> 00:08:26,901
Don't laugh when she hasn't made a joke.
207
00:08:26,926 --> 00:08:29,062
You do that, and it's weird.
208
00:08:29,087 --> 00:08:30,531
Know what I mean?
209
00:08:30,815 --> 00:08:31,859
Okay.
210
00:08:31,884 --> 00:08:33,984
Also, being super positive...
211
00:08:34,009 --> 00:08:36,444
Don't volunteer me to
make tacos for the class,
212
00:08:36,469 --> 00:08:37,672
or I will freak out.
213
00:08:37,697 --> 00:08:40,914
Okay. Alright. That feels
like enough positivity for n...
214
00:08:41,341 --> 00:08:43,000
Oh, God. It's time.
215
00:08:45,462 --> 00:08:48,133
Alright. Let's not overthink this.
216
00:08:48,158 --> 00:08:49,797
We will listen, not talk.
217
00:08:49,822 --> 00:08:51,242
It's about Emily, not us.
218
00:08:51,267 --> 00:08:52,781
Great. Listen, don't talk. Got it.
219
00:08:52,806 --> 00:08:54,227
- What's more important?
- You know, Emily's independent.
220
00:08:54,251 --> 00:08:56,102
- Friends or character?
- Americans are independent.
221
00:08:56,126 --> 00:08:58,373
Actually, that's why we
celebrate Independence Day.
222
00:08:58,398 --> 00:09:00,180
I mean, wasn't Einstein unusual?
223
00:09:00,205 --> 00:09:01,359
Right. Wasn't Picasso?
224
00:09:01,384 --> 00:09:02,734
Wasn't, uh... who's that fellow?
225
00:09:02,759 --> 00:09:04,662
Armie Hammer?
226
00:09:05,361 --> 00:09:07,125
First of all, hello.
227
00:09:07,150 --> 00:09:09,234
[LAUGHS]
228
00:09:09,259 --> 00:09:10,812
Not a joke.
229
00:09:11,375 --> 00:09:13,241
Please, have a seat.
230
00:09:13,266 --> 00:09:15,765
You seem nervous I called you in.
231
00:09:15,790 --> 00:09:18,172
Of course I'm nervous.
My daughter knows how I'm gonna die.
232
00:09:20,036 --> 00:09:23,820
Well, I felt it important,
given Emily's...
233
00:09:23,845 --> 00:09:26,406
quirks, that you hear in person...
234
00:09:26,431 --> 00:09:28,070
- Oh, boy.
- Here we go.
235
00:09:28,303 --> 00:09:30,969
That I think Emily is...
236
00:09:32,625 --> 00:09:33,805
great.
237
00:09:33,830 --> 00:09:35,422
Alright, listen, where do you get of...
238
00:09:35,447 --> 00:09:36,813
Wait, what?
239
00:09:36,956 --> 00:09:38,750
Wow. That's terrific.
240
00:09:38,775 --> 00:09:40,406
That's actually a gigantic relief.
241
00:09:40,431 --> 00:09:41,884
Also feels a bit like
you could have texted it.
242
00:09:41,908 --> 00:09:42,940
Yeah.
243
00:09:44,135 --> 00:09:46,695
So, she gets along with other kids?
244
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:48,653
No. [SCOFFS]
245
00:09:48,678 --> 00:09:51,476
But her best friend is her imagination.
246
00:09:51,501 --> 00:09:54,086
She actually reminds me of
a student I had years ago
247
00:09:54,111 --> 00:09:55,859
who wound up going to Harvard.
248
00:09:55,884 --> 00:09:57,672
- Neat.
- Good for him!
249
00:09:57,697 --> 00:10:00,261
Yeah, well, he was
crushed by an avalanche.
250
00:10:00,286 --> 00:10:01,956
Girl, he dead.
251
00:10:05,635 --> 00:10:07,690
- Oh, no.
- Sorry for your loss.
252
00:10:08,196 --> 00:10:10,263
Anyway, Emily.
253
00:10:10,288 --> 00:10:13,644
She struggles a bit socially,
but still, she's happy,
254
00:10:13,669 --> 00:10:15,603
so you must be great parents.
255
00:10:15,790 --> 00:10:17,058
[GASPS]
256
00:10:17,083 --> 00:10:18,449
Ohh!
257
00:10:18,692 --> 00:10:20,308
Oh!
258
00:10:20,433 --> 00:10:21,940
You know, uh, this morning,
259
00:10:21,965 --> 00:10:24,534
my mom said that I was
raising my kids wrong,
260
00:10:24,559 --> 00:10:26,259
but she's wrong.
261
00:10:26,284 --> 00:10:27,550
She...
262
00:10:29,026 --> 00:10:30,996
[VOICE BREAKING] was wrong about me.
263
00:10:31,021 --> 00:10:32,187
I'm sorry.
264
00:10:33,431 --> 00:10:35,206
Mrs. Shaw, thank you so much.
265
00:10:35,231 --> 00:10:36,769
My pleasure.
266
00:10:36,794 --> 00:10:37,800
We're actually having
267
00:10:37,825 --> 00:10:39,723
an international food day,
if you want to volunteer.
268
00:10:39,747 --> 00:10:42,548
Oh. Nope. Sorry. No, I can't.
Gotta work. Sorry. Busy.
269
00:10:43,874 --> 00:10:46,190
Emily's great! Positivity works!
270
00:10:46,215 --> 00:10:48,792
Ohhh! [LAUGHS]
271
00:10:48,817 --> 00:10:49,850
[GASPS]
272
00:10:49,875 --> 00:10:51,636
I can't wait to rub it in my mom's face.
273
00:10:51,661 --> 00:10:52,737
Me, too.
274
00:10:53,093 --> 00:10:54,192
Hi!
275
00:10:54,217 --> 00:10:55,217
Hi!
276
00:10:55,242 --> 00:10:57,112
- Oh, who's that?
- No clue.
277
00:10:57,137 --> 00:10:59,394
??
278
00:11:01,503 --> 00:11:03,721
You're probably wondering
why we invited you in.
279
00:11:03,839 --> 00:11:05,205
You need money.
280
00:11:06,442 --> 00:11:09,476
You see, today,
we've decided to be positive.
281
00:11:09,501 --> 00:11:10,501
Interesting.
282
00:11:10,526 --> 00:11:12,261
And at our conference,
283
00:11:12,286 --> 00:11:14,658
the teacher said she loves Emily.
284
00:11:14,683 --> 00:11:16,350
Mm-hmm. And the teacher added
285
00:11:16,375 --> 00:11:19,955
that Emily reminds her exactly
of a student who went to...
286
00:11:19,980 --> 00:11:21,146
Wait. Hold on a second. I forget.
287
00:11:21,170 --> 00:11:22,426
Do you remember where it was, Jo?
288
00:11:22,450 --> 00:11:23,816
Mm... Harvard.
289
00:11:25,653 --> 00:11:27,219
Harvard.
290
00:11:27,619 --> 00:11:29,581
That's a college, Mom.
291
00:11:31,236 --> 00:11:34,558
And just for reference, dear brother,
292
00:11:34,583 --> 00:11:36,855
where was it, again, that you went?
293
00:11:37,529 --> 00:11:39,308
University of Longmont.
294
00:11:39,761 --> 00:11:41,628
Well, in spite of both of you
295
00:11:41,653 --> 00:11:44,687
thinking that we do everything wrong,
296
00:11:44,781 --> 00:11:46,956
the teacher said that
we are great parents.
297
00:11:47,909 --> 00:11:49,190
Great...
298
00:11:49,803 --> 00:11:51,261
parents.
299
00:11:53,224 --> 00:11:55,214
This wine tastes cheap.
300
00:11:55,646 --> 00:11:58,026
Yeah, well, last Christmas,
you gave it to us.
301
00:11:58,956 --> 00:12:00,472
Mom, look!
302
00:12:00,497 --> 00:12:02,503
- Oh, my God!
- What happened?!
303
00:12:02,528 --> 00:12:04,144
Why is that outside her body?!
304
00:12:04,169 --> 00:12:05,519
- I don't know!
- Why?!
305
00:12:06,026 --> 00:12:08,955
Bill, get Lulu! We have
to go to the ER now!
306
00:12:11,153 --> 00:12:12,911
It's a prolapsed rectum.
307
00:12:15,194 --> 00:12:17,716
Well, now we have the wedding toast.
308
00:12:18,255 --> 00:12:20,161
Oh, my God. Is she gonna be okay?
309
00:12:20,186 --> 00:12:21,232
What happened?
310
00:12:21,257 --> 00:12:22,456
Well, a prolapsed rectum is,
311
00:12:22,481 --> 00:12:24,177
for lack of a more graceful description,
312
00:12:24,202 --> 00:12:26,857
when your entire butt
falls out of your body.
313
00:12:28,933 --> 00:12:33,513
Okay, so anyone's butt can just
fall out at... at any moment?
314
00:12:34,431 --> 00:12:35,919
Yes.
315
00:12:36,369 --> 00:12:38,535
That is such a design flaw!
316
00:12:38,802 --> 00:12:41,552
I should know! I'm an engineer!
317
00:12:41,577 --> 00:12:43,599
What kind of life is this?!
318
00:12:44,027 --> 00:12:46,193
Bill, calmate.
319
00:12:46,218 --> 00:12:47,536
Are we looking at surgery?
320
00:12:47,561 --> 00:12:48,825
No, if she relaxes for an hour,
321
00:12:48,850 --> 00:12:50,709
everything should naturally
go back into her body,
322
00:12:50,733 --> 00:12:53,263
and then you just need to make
sure she gets enough fiber.
323
00:12:54,605 --> 00:12:57,205
Do not tell that to my mother.
324
00:12:57,347 --> 00:12:59,099
I... won't.
325
00:12:59,954 --> 00:13:01,587
So, it won't happen again?
326
00:13:01,612 --> 00:13:03,310
Oh, no, it could easily happen again,
327
00:13:03,335 --> 00:13:04,662
and you'll never know when or where,
328
00:13:04,686 --> 00:13:06,771
but also, maybe it won't.
329
00:13:07,543 --> 00:13:10,111
Okay, so, on top of
everything else that's going on,
330
00:13:10,136 --> 00:13:12,336
we're essentially living
with a butt time bomb.
331
00:13:13,457 --> 00:13:14,623
Yes.
332
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:18,060
For your daughter's file,
can you tell me what happened?
333
00:13:18,085 --> 00:13:19,411
We don't know exactly.
334
00:13:19,436 --> 00:13:21,458
We were in the other room,
she screamed for us...
335
00:13:21,483 --> 00:13:22,545
Yeah, you know how kids are constantly
336
00:13:22,569 --> 00:13:24,255
screaming and it's usually nothing?
337
00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:26,591
So, you typically ignore her screams?
338
00:13:26,616 --> 00:13:29,419
No. I mean,
we're not helicopter parents.
339
00:13:29,444 --> 00:13:31,256
Right, but at the same time,
we're not free-range parents.
340
00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:33,654
We have no style.
We're... We're kind of nothing parents.
341
00:13:33,679 --> 00:13:35,024
Yeah, yeah, we're just sort of there,
342
00:13:35,048 --> 00:13:37,138
yet at the same time... not.
343
00:13:37,163 --> 00:13:39,169
Why are you writing so much?
344
00:13:40,271 --> 00:13:42,966
Don't worry.
This is just information for Jane.
345
00:13:42,991 --> 00:13:44,057
Who's Jane?
346
00:13:44,082 --> 00:13:46,732
Hi, I'm Jane Costa. I'm a social worker.
347
00:13:48,458 --> 00:13:51,294
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. Social worker?
348
00:13:51,319 --> 00:13:53,185
Do I need to call my attorney?
349
00:13:53,210 --> 00:13:55,997
[SOFTLY] Do I need to Google
attorneys and pick one really fast?
350
00:13:56,564 --> 00:13:58,732
No, I just have to ask you
a few questions
351
00:13:58,757 --> 00:14:01,083
and make sure there
are no parenting issues.
352
00:14:01,261 --> 00:14:02,482
Okay.
353
00:14:02,507 --> 00:14:05,675
Your kids have been to the ER
three times already this year.
354
00:14:05,811 --> 00:14:07,244
Oh, that's it?
355
00:14:09,106 --> 00:14:11,740
Can you explain the reason
for all these visits?
356
00:14:11,765 --> 00:14:13,755
Well, the first visit was pinworms.
357
00:14:13,780 --> 00:14:15,677
If we say anything more about it,
I'll throw up.
358
00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:18,247
The next visit...
359
00:14:18,272 --> 00:14:20,146
well, Lulu had a temperature of 107.
360
00:14:20,171 --> 00:14:21,716
It was actually a hospital record.
361
00:14:21,741 --> 00:14:22,880
[CHUCKLES]
362
00:14:22,905 --> 00:14:25,365
Not that we... care about
those sorts of things.
363
00:14:26,062 --> 00:14:28,708
Uh, the third visit was...
again, pinworms.
364
00:14:28,733 --> 00:14:30,122
Do you have a garbage pail?
365
00:14:31,844 --> 00:14:33,497
Is there a problem?
366
00:14:33,522 --> 00:14:35,350
I mean, it's clear
nothing criminal took place.
367
00:14:35,374 --> 00:14:38,560
Maybe just a little bit
of negligent parenting.
368
00:14:38,585 --> 00:14:39,795
- Excuse me?
- No, you know what?
369
00:14:39,819 --> 00:14:42,216
Hearing it out loud,
I'm beginning to see her side of this.
370
00:14:43,816 --> 00:14:45,515
No.
371
00:14:45,938 --> 00:14:48,052
How old are you, Jane?
372
00:14:48,077 --> 00:14:49,200
23.
373
00:14:49,225 --> 00:14:51,318
And do you have children, Jane?
374
00:14:51,343 --> 00:14:52,944
It's not good when she starts
saying your name like that.
375
00:14:52,968 --> 00:14:54,647
- Not now, Bill.
- Okay.
376
00:14:55,586 --> 00:14:57,599
No offense... This isn't about me.
377
00:14:57,624 --> 00:14:58,657
It's about you.
378
00:14:58,682 --> 00:15:00,888
Oh, but this is about you,
379
00:15:00,913 --> 00:15:03,474
because you have no idea what life is.
380
00:15:03,499 --> 00:15:06,572
- I'm sorry?
- 10 years ago, I was you.
381
00:15:06,736 --> 00:15:09,214
No responsibilities, life was easy,
382
00:15:09,239 --> 00:15:11,932
and now I haven't used
a bathroom by myself
383
00:15:11,957 --> 00:15:13,651
in six years!
384
00:15:13,676 --> 00:15:15,487
That's a little bit on me, actually.
385
00:15:16,315 --> 00:15:20,307
You have no idea the
pressure of raising kids,
386
00:15:20,332 --> 00:15:23,057
knowing that you can't
possibly do everything right,
387
00:15:23,082 --> 00:15:24,557
but you have to do it anyway,
388
00:15:24,582 --> 00:15:25,987
while your mother-in-law questions
389
00:15:26,012 --> 00:15:27,945
every single thing you do.
390
00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:29,557
That's kind of a cheap shot.
391
00:15:30,745 --> 00:15:32,346
And still, you make sure
392
00:15:32,371 --> 00:15:34,037
that your beautiful child is safe,
393
00:15:34,062 --> 00:15:35,721
and you send her out into the world,
394
00:15:35,746 --> 00:15:38,159
and no one at school
will be friends with her,
395
00:15:38,184 --> 00:15:41,745
and then her organs just
go flying out of her body!
396
00:15:41,989 --> 00:15:45,690
So, God forbid, if in the middle
of all this chaos, Jane,
397
00:15:45,715 --> 00:15:48,526
you have a sip of wine
and something bad happens!
398
00:15:48,551 --> 00:15:51,118
Well, let me tell you,
that is not negligence!
399
00:15:51,143 --> 00:15:53,283
It's called life!
400
00:15:53,308 --> 00:15:55,182
I don't even know
what time it is anymore.
401
00:15:55,207 --> 00:15:57,593
- 3:00 a.m.
- It's 3:00 a.m., Jane!
402
00:15:58,148 --> 00:16:00,202
So, if my daughter's
butt is back in her body,
403
00:16:00,227 --> 00:16:02,906
we would very much like
to go home now, Jane!
404
00:16:03,429 --> 00:16:04,929
Yeah!
405
00:16:11,396 --> 00:16:15,851
??
406
00:16:17,294 --> 00:16:19,879
Hey. How we doing?
407
00:16:19,904 --> 00:16:21,209
Everything's back
where it's supposed to be.
408
00:16:21,233 --> 00:16:22,233
She's good to go.
409
00:16:22,258 --> 00:16:23,974
Ah, thank you, Doctor.
410
00:16:23,999 --> 00:16:25,989
I heard you yelled at Jane.
411
00:16:26,833 --> 00:16:29,367
Yeah. Sorry. I snapped.
412
00:16:29,392 --> 00:16:30,911
I'm a parent. I understand.
413
00:16:30,936 --> 00:16:32,919
Sometimes you just need
to yell at a stranger.
414
00:16:33,922 --> 00:16:35,263
Besides, she made a big error
415
00:16:35,288 --> 00:16:38,222
in the softball game last
weekend, so... good.
416
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:43,903
Hey. Look what we got you.
417
00:16:44,147 --> 00:16:46,114
His name is Samuel,
418
00:16:46,139 --> 00:16:48,006
he lives in Antarctica,
419
00:16:48,031 --> 00:16:50,898
and his main predator is seals.
420
00:16:52,009 --> 00:16:54,294
Okay, kiddo. Time to go.
421
00:16:54,319 --> 00:16:57,083
It was fun watching
a movie with you, Kimmy.
422
00:16:57,108 --> 00:16:59,560
Thanks for teaching me about mummies.
423
00:16:59,585 --> 00:17:02,669
No problem. They're very interesting.
424
00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:07,271
Can you come play with me sometime?
425
00:17:07,437 --> 00:17:09,653
That would be fun. Bye.
426
00:17:09,678 --> 00:17:11,341
Bye.
427
00:17:13,703 --> 00:17:15,067
Dad.
428
00:17:15,092 --> 00:17:18,255
I get to go home,
but Kimmy has to stay here,
429
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,881
and I don't want her to be alone.
430
00:17:24,951 --> 00:17:26,997
Sam will take care of you.
431
00:17:27,022 --> 00:17:28,786
Thank you.
432
00:17:29,255 --> 00:17:30,981
Guess we're doing something right.
433
00:17:31,634 --> 00:17:33,420
[VOICE BREAKING] Hey,
keep him away from seals, Kimmy.
434
00:17:33,444 --> 00:17:34,977
Oh. Okay.
435
00:17:40,433 --> 00:17:44,433
??
436
00:17:49,626 --> 00:17:51,208
Life is so weird.
437
00:17:51,233 --> 00:17:54,668
We're positive,
and then a butt disaster happens.
438
00:17:54,693 --> 00:17:58,061
Then we're negative,
and Emily finally makes a friend.
439
00:17:58,436 --> 00:18:00,708
People who don't
have children are stupid
440
00:18:00,733 --> 00:18:01,950
and understand nothing
441
00:18:01,975 --> 00:18:04,242
and are also very, very lucky.
442
00:18:05,630 --> 00:18:08,052
Hey. Let's be grateful.
443
00:18:08,077 --> 00:18:10,013
Seeing all those kids
in the hospitals...
444
00:18:10,038 --> 00:18:11,591
- No, I know. I know.
- Ohh.
445
00:18:11,616 --> 00:18:13,153
We're blessed.
446
00:18:13,950 --> 00:18:15,911
- Hey.
- Hmm?
447
00:18:17,477 --> 00:18:18,743
[POLICE SIREN CHIRPS]
448
00:18:18,768 --> 00:18:20,396
The universe hates us!
449
00:18:25,745 --> 00:18:27,037
Sir, have you been drinking tonight?
450
00:18:27,061 --> 00:18:28,271
You reek of alcohol.
451
00:18:28,296 --> 00:18:29,411
Oh, right. No.
452
00:18:29,436 --> 00:18:31,060
Uh, about nine hours ago,
453
00:18:31,085 --> 00:18:33,255
my wife threw a glass
of white wine on me.
454
00:18:33,449 --> 00:18:35,349
By accident. [CHUCKLES]
455
00:18:36,309 --> 00:18:37,724
Uh-huh.
456
00:18:39,879 --> 00:18:42,271
Hey, have you ever heard
of a prolapsed rectum?
457
00:18:43,868 --> 00:18:45,488
Sir, please step out of the car.
458
00:18:45,513 --> 00:18:47,786
- ? Oh ?
- ? Yeah ?
459
00:18:47,811 --> 00:18:49,349
- ? Oh ?
- ? Yeah ?
460
00:18:49,374 --> 00:18:52,099
? Woman, I can do anything you like ?
461
00:18:52,124 --> 00:18:53,958
? I can do anything you need ?
462
00:18:53,983 --> 00:18:55,896
? Ain't I got a better body ?
463
00:18:55,921 --> 00:18:58,060
? Than the magazines you read? ?
464
00:18:58,085 --> 00:19:02,060
? None of them boys know the
first thing about your fantasy ?
465
00:19:02,085 --> 00:19:05,396
? And if they tried,
they cannot do it just like me ?
466
00:19:05,421 --> 00:19:07,154
? I know you certainly been gone ?
467
00:19:08,209 --> 00:19:13,708
M, L, K, J, I...
468
00:19:14,367 --> 00:19:16,177
I...
469
00:19:16,319 --> 00:19:18,075
- H!
- H!
470
00:19:18,916 --> 00:19:23,707
- G, F, E, D...
- G, F, E, D...
471
00:19:23,732 --> 00:19:25,504
- C, B, A!
- C, B, A!
472
00:19:25,529 --> 00:19:27,081
- Yay!
- Yay!
473
00:19:27,106 --> 00:19:29,527
Whoo-hoo! Whoo!
474
00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:33,590
I always do the alphabet backwards.
475
00:19:38,866 --> 00:19:42,613
And I will never correct
anything she does.
476
00:19:42,638 --> 00:19:44,394
I mean, we're great parents.
477
00:19:44,419 --> 00:19:47,644
Who are you to tell me
what's right or wrong?
478
00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:49,787
I'm a police officer.
479
00:19:51,754 --> 00:19:53,351
How about I drive home?
480
00:19:57,215 --> 00:19:58,948
Hey, we did it.
481
00:19:59,050 --> 00:20:00,583
We made it home.
482
00:20:00,685 --> 00:20:02,418
[LAUGHS]
483
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:03,819
It's not a joke.
484
00:20:05,523 --> 00:20:07,289
I hate the sunrise.
485
00:20:07,314 --> 00:20:09,332
- The worst.
- Ugh.
486
00:20:09,357 --> 00:20:11,004
[BOTH LAUGH]
487
00:20:11,224 --> 00:20:14,167
Look at everything that
happened just today, huh?
488
00:20:14,192 --> 00:20:15,690
That was, uh...
489
00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,026
Oh, that was, uh...
490
00:20:17,051 --> 00:20:18,444
so much life.
491
00:20:18,469 --> 00:20:19,768
[SIGHS]
492
00:20:19,793 --> 00:20:21,699
Too much life.
493
00:20:22,128 --> 00:20:23,840
I, um...
494
00:20:23,865 --> 00:20:26,004
I have no idea what I'm doing.
495
00:20:27,375 --> 00:20:28,894
Me either, babe.
496
00:20:28,919 --> 00:20:32,863
But... I know we can
get through anything, together.
497
00:20:42,067 --> 00:20:43,308
Good morning!
498
00:20:43,333 --> 00:20:45,066
- Good night.
- Good night.
499
00:20:47,617 --> 00:20:50,726
Hey! I thought you were
trying to be positive.
500
00:20:50,776 --> 00:20:55,326
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