Original subtitles

No, Rosie, put the pretty dress on. ROSIE WAILS

ROSIE WAILS

Don't you want to look pretty for Gandalf?

Yes! Yes, Grandma and Gandalf are coming!

ROSIE SHOUTS EXCITEDLY

And we have to put on the pretty dress that Grandma bought.

Yes. Coming, but waiting.

ROSIE QUIETENS DOWN

Longer waiting.

When they get here, we're going to have tea

and there'll be presents.

SHE SQUEALS

But I shouldn't have said that word.

Yes. Presents.

But, as I've been trying to tell you,

it's Ben's birthday.

So they're Ben's presents.

SHE WAILS

This programme contains very strong language.

In FIFA, I got Neymar for a 100 mil!

How'd you manage that?! He's only, like, 120!

He's one of my defenders in the swap deal.

Can I go back to yours? See if it's any good?

We could, but my grandparents are coming over for

...for my birthday. Ah. You know.

It's hard to play Fifa with my little sister getting in the way.

Oh, yeah.

HE IMITATES ROSIE SHOUTING

What is actually wrong with your sister?

I don't know. She's just...Rosie.

ROSIE SHOUTS

Mum.

Mum?

No, no, my son is about...this tall.

He's definitely not an actual full-grown man.

Aww! Happy birthday!

My little beefburger.

OK, Mum.

Did you not come back with Jamie?

Yeah. Well, he could have come in for a bit.

He can come to tea with us, if he wants. No, he's busy.

And I'll see all my friends on Saturday at laser tag.

Yeah, I've got to sort out all the consent forms.

Oh, no! She's taken it off again.

SHE SHOUTS EXCITEDLY

Hey, Princess!

Don't you look pretty?!

Arms-around hug for Daddy? SHE MOANS

Don't leave me hanging, Rosie.

Hey, birthday boy! Hi, Dad.

Doesn't matter how old you get, I'll always be your hero, right?

Um...

By the way, I might have mentioned presents.

Why would you do that?

It's fine, it's going to be fine,

I did explain that it was Ben's birthday

and that Gandalf was coming.

Is that the dress that MY mum bought?

BABY ROSIE CRIES

I've finished the edge.

Ah, clever boy! Shall we do the sky?

That's it. I don't think that one goes there.

Well, that's the dishes done.

BABY STILL CRYING

Awww.

Awww!

There, there, little missy.

Simon working late again?

I wish I could stay longer.

SING-SONG VOICE: I'd take you to live with me if I could!

I know, but...you can't.

If you lived closer to us, I could help a lot more.

I love Rosie and Ben, you know that.

But you're my number one, Emily.

You're my Ben.

Thank you.

I'm starting to think she's brain-dead.

And Rosie's not much better.

Oh, here he comes!

Jabba the Cunt.

Look at his little face! Look at it!

It's like Rosie trying to make a fucking balloon animal!

Oh. Friday bonding.

Barney, we really must shop around for a chair that fits you.

How the fuck can a vegetarian get that fat?!

Do you use cheese as bread?

Thanks, Simon, always putting the charm into charmless.

What's that supposed to mean? Nothing, just joining in.

Well, yeah, but I'm just in the middle

of talking about my disabled daughter, so...

Sorry, I know you're going through a hard time,

but do you know an actual diagnostic condition?

Diagnostic condition? Don't be so fucking arch, Barney!

Do you mean what's wrong with her?

Si, he was only asking.

She's my daughter, she's not some bit of wry conversation

that I want to have with this fat shit!

I don't think Barney meant anything.

Look, I've always liked you, Simon, but...

Why the fuck do you hang around with him now?

HE CHUCKLES

Go home.

Go anywhere, just...go away.

Hiya, Em! It's only us!

Come here, my gorgeous little Rosie!

Hi!

I'm just getting ready, Mum! I'll be down in a second!

ROSIE SHOUTS EXCITEDLY

SHE SQUEALS

SHE SCREAMS

Crikey. Oi, gorgeous girl!

Give me a cuddle!

Oh, God, the haircut's worse than I was expecting!

ROSIE SQUEALS

Hi, Grandma. Hi, Gandalf.

Oh, the birthday boy!

ROSIE SQUEALS

Oh, yeah, just put it there, and we'll carry it to the restaurant.

Her hair.

It's worse than the picture you sent.

It's all right!

John makes me so bloody cross!

She looks like Richard III!

I've half a mind to phone him up and give him a piece of my mind.

Oh, is that her summer frock?

Er, yes, yeah. She's, um...she got some food on it

and I took it off her and I'm going to put it in the wash, but,

God, she loves it, she loves it, she wears it all the time.

ROSIE MOANS

Unnng!

SHE MOANS IMPATIENTLY

Rarrghh!

SHE SQUEALS

Rarrgh!

SHE LAUGHS

HE SIGHS

Nnnn!

Peekaboo!

SHE LAUGHS

Where's your grandma?

SHE MOANS

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

SHE GRUNTS, UNIMPRESSED

Oh!

Got your nose!

SHE WHINES

Oh, blimey. Better put it back, then.

SHE LAUGHS

Right, Missy! Let's get you dressed.

Give us a hand, Gandalf.

There we go.

How pretty are you?

Well...that's OK.

Let's try something else.

What are they doing?

Oh, leave it.

She likes Rosie to look pretty.

Best birthday ever?

Uh, sort of normal, I guess.

Well, you're with me now, son.

You know. Not all superheroes wear capes.

Dad, you're not...a superhero.

Well, that's what they all thought about Bruce Wayne.

Batman famously wore a cape.

Exactly. Dad, the only way you'd be a superhero

is if you were once bitten by a radioactive idiot.

Boom! That's the hammer coming down!

Arghh!

ROSIE GIGGLES

Um... Has she lost her sheep and doesn't know where to find them?

I know! Cute, isn't it?

Gorgeous, Mum.

Can we go?

# Rosie's got her hat on

# And she's coming out to play!

# Rosie's got her hat on

# Hip-hip-hip-hooray!

# Rosie's got her hat on

# And she's coming out to play!

HE SIGHS

WHISPERING: Now, we're going to come in here,

and get some of Rosie's toys.

But we're going to be very quiet because Daddy's sleeping

on the sofa again, and we don't want to wake him up.

So let's try not to make any noise.

# Ten green hippos

# Hanging on the wall... #

Does it have to be ten?

WHISPERING: # ..Hippos hanging on the wall

# But if one green hippo... #

# Leave them alone and they'll come home

# Dragging their tails behind them. #

Flippin' 'eck, she's got sharp nails, hasn't she?

Rosie, no snaggling Gandalf.

ROSIE MOANS

No, Rosie, no! Not on the road.

I can't see any letter Xs. No, it's not that,

it's because she knows we're going to eat, and she wants to go to...

We can go to Pizza Express if she wants.

Please don't say...! We've got a table booked at Arnie's.

If she's making this much fuss...

She only wants to go because there's an X in the name.

She does like the dough balls. ROSIE SQUEALS

Why would you say dough balls out loud? What do you think, Ben?

You like pizza! She thinks she likes it,

but she hates it. It's too loud.

ROSIE HISSES

OK, OK!

You wait here, we'll go and check it out.

I like their dough balls.

So, uh, how did, um, Liverpool do on the weekend?

Beat Stoke 1-0.

Oh.

OK, let's go to Arnie's.

Was it busy? Uh, no, not really.

ROSIE MOANS

Oh, hi. We've got a table booked for 6:30. The name is Simon.

For six people?

Yeah. Great.

You are...just over here.

Right, where are we all going to sit?

Um... I think, put Rosie in the middle

and Simon and I can go either side.

And then, birthday boy, if you go in the middle opposite.

SHE WHINES

Bye, bye, Ben?

I think she wants you to sit there. It's fine.

Oh... I'll sit opposite Mum. All right.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, wow.

It's like the Beatles have just walked out at Shea Stadium.

Blimmin' 'eck!

I'm not much of a rock star.

Can I get anyone any drinks?

Can I have a Fanta, please? Yeah.

I'll have a Peroni, thanks. That sounds good.

Could we just get two small glasses of house wine?

ROSIE WAILS

And what would you like?

Um, she'll just have a cube of ice.

Eh... With what?

No, just-just the ice, thanks.

Yeah.

Is it just "kss", "whuh" and "zz" she can say?

Very few words, moments of explosive violence.

Very much like Jason Bourne.

Maybe we should just go back to Pizza Exp... Don't say it.

We're not going back.

Si, why don't you go and buy the dough balls and then bring them

back over here?

Rosie? Do you want Daddy to get you some dough balls?

Right. If we do that, will you stop trying to eat me?

All right.

Hi. I-I'm just going to go to Pizza Express

and get her some dough balls, if that's OK?

Oh, is there a problem? We've got breadsticks, garlic bread...

No, no, no problems, all good, she loves the atmosphere,

she just prefers their food, so if it's OK,

I might just go grab some dough balls and bring them back,

she can eat them. I...I might have to ask the manager.

The rest of us are going to be ordering loads.

I'm going to have, like, rump steak, pudding...

Yeah.

Thanks, thanks. Bye.

Morning, Simon. Morning.

I'll just tidy up in here, and I'll get my bits and bobs

and then I'd better be heading back.

I've got to get to work, so I'll see you soon, Kath.

She needs help, Simon. I know.

I don't have time to talk about it right now. Practical help.

I know it's not my place, and tell me if I'm interfering,

I just want to help and I'm racking my brains.

She can't cope, Simon.

I was thinking one small thing you could do...

..is if you bought her a dishwasher?

Uh...

I think it'll take more than a dishwasher, Kath, but thanks.

I'll think about that.

TEARFULLY: I've always bloody loved you, Simon!

Sorry, I really am late.

Oh, no, don't cry.

We'll be OK. All marriages hit tough times and...you know.

I'm sure we can work it through.

I don't care about the marriage.

I've always really loved seeing you two together

from the start, because more than anything else,

you've always been best friends.

Darling, you can't play with the buggy.

You can't play with the buggy, Rosie.

I've got pizza as well.

Can't play with the buggy, darling.

She's been like this since two minutes after you left.

She can make quite a fuss, can't she?

I was thinking we should, we should move to that corner

over there, and then we can wedge Rosie against the wall.

Yeah, put her in Rosie prison.

But might not be a bad idea. Get away from the other people.

Excuse me, we're going to move tables, is that OK?

Yeah.

ROSIE GROANS

Oh, no, Rosie.

Let's keep it on.

You know what, Mum, can we just get her,

let her keep it off.

She loves it, she really loves it, but it is hot in here. Thanks, Mum.

SHOUTING CONTINUES

Thank you.

No, one at a time. One at a time.

Is it all right, bringing food in?

Sure. I'll just not tell the manager.

Can I get anyone any more drink? I'd love another Peroni, please.

Oh yeah, I'll have two Peronis, please.

Gandalf, we need your wizardry.

I've forgotten how to do church and steeple.

Oh, God.

Hi, Chris.

Hi, Claire.

Hey.

Aztec diorama.

Spent all booming week doing that, didn't we, Little Miss Know All?

But she got silver prize in the school craft show.

So, thought that deserved a veggie burger.

Well done, Ellie.

Well done.

That table's very close.

Ben's out in the jungle gym.

I'll just go and get him.

We asked all of the children

just to tell us something about themselves.

So how was your birthday lunch?

Same as always.

Just looked at dank memes.

Dank memes?

Yeah, on the iPhone. Memes that are dank.

He's going to be a dot-com millionaire, this one.

She's being very good, isn't she?

She looks very serious.

Do you think she's OK?

Yes, she's just being quiet, Mum, leave her.

Maybe she needs the toilet. I can take... Mum, seriously.

So, are you meeting Jamie?

She's rocking back and forth. Are you constipated?

She doesn't need a poo. What's she doing?

She sometimes likes to rock back and forth on the ball of her foot.

It's fine.

What do you mean, rock back and forth?

You know.

Crikey. Not in a restaurant.

It's perfectly normal.

With learning disabilities, it's less inhibition.

Frankly, if I could do that sat in a restaurant, I would.

Do what?

Well, that's very silly, Rosie.

Peekaboo.

BLOWS RASPBERRY

Can I clear some plates?

ROSIE MOANS QUIETLY

Peekaboo.

It's all right, Pat, Rosie's just being Rosie.

Rosie!

# You are my sunshine

# My only sunshine

# You make me happy

# When skies are grey... #

Well, now everyone's watching, can we get another bottle of wine?

MOANING CONTINUES

We've got to stop her.

Why don't we get the presents out?

Yes, presents!

ROSIE SQUEALS HAPPILY

The new booster pack!

Open it, open it, open it!

Razorfoot Griffin, 2/2.

Flying and First Strike.

My deck's going to be unbeatable.

Technically our deck, yeah.

Thanks, Mum, this is really great.

The Eater of Hope.

Don't call her that. Now, your dad told us to get this.

No, Rosie, no, no.

I explained, didn't I, Rosie? I explained, it's Ben's birthday.

BEN's birthday.

I thought that might happen, so I bought a couple

of little presents for Rosie too.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, thanks, Mum. It's gorgeous, thank you.

Thanks, Grandma.

And another one for Ben.

And another one for Rosie.

Oh!

DOLL: I'm a princess, I'm a princess.

I thought it was so cute.

Thanks, Grandma.

DOLL REPEATS CONTINUALLY Did you get me anything? Like a hammer?

This came a couple of days ago.

It must be from Nanna and Grandad John.

DOLL: I'm a princess...

No, no, because they had the tickets to Anfield.

HE WHISPERS

I think it's a surprise.

Woooh!

ROSIE SQUEALS An Anglepoise lamp!

SQUEALING GETS LOUDER

Oh, I thought I'd disabled it. What?

The one-click buy on the iPad.

A couple of months ago, she bought a toy cat.

Surely not.

Look, it makes a Z.

Well done, Rosie, you bought the world's most expensive Z!

Oh, God, she doesn't know how to go on the dark web, does she?

Do you know, she really is a very clever little girl.

SMASH!

DOLL: I'm a princess. I'm a princess.

I'm a princess. I'm a princess. I'm a princess.

Oh, blooming heck, we should have sat further away.

I'm sorry, Chris, she's quite hard to control, so a little patience?

Gosh, no, sorry, I don't want to interrupt the party.

It's just that Ellie drew this for Rosie.

Oh! Oh, right, that's so nice.

Thanks, mate. Thank you so much.

Thanks, Ellie.

That is a great Aztec diorama.

That's brilliant, mate, I mean, it's not actually...

It's brilliant, anyway.

Look, Rosie, look, it's a hippo. I'd best get back.

OK, must get back. Somebody wants their strawberries.

DOLL CONTINUES REPEATING ITSELF

Overcompensating middle-class guy!

# Happy birthday to you

EVERYONE: # Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday

# To... Ben!

# Happy birthday to you. #

APPLAUSE

It's not actually her birthday, and she doesn't like ice cream,

but thank you. Thank you.

Can we see the dessert menu, please?

Thank you. She's lovely, isn't she?

She's doing it again.

We have to stop her doing it again.

She's not, she's fine. Let's just enjoy...

Shall we sing a different song?

Oh! No, Kath, no more songs.

She likes my singing.

She always liked my singing.

# On the first day of Christmas... #

Please, don't make her think it's going to be Christmas!

Please don't make her think it's going to be Christmas.

# On the second day of Christmas My true love sent to me... #

Are you storming out? This is doing my head in.

I'm storming out to have a cigarette.

Can you move this table out, Pat? I could try. Is it...?

SINGING AND WAILING CONTINUES

This is the most pathetic storming out ever.

Yeah, whatever, I just want to...

# ..and a partridge in a... # Just give us a minute.

# On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me... #

ROSIE WAILS Rosie!

CRASH!

ROSIE WAILS

I-I'm so sorry.

Dad, I got my tickets to Anfield!

COOING

BABY GIGGLES

Ben?

Rosie?

Were you laughing?

Are you going to laugh again, for Mummy?

You know, there's a work thing.

She laughed.

Rosie laughed.

Oh, wow, is that the first time?

Yeah, I just thought you'd want to know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

Oh, gracious thanks.

So, Helen, do I have you to myself this fine evening?

You know I can't resist a man in Crocs.

What are you reading?

It's a history of the postal service in Middlesbrough.

It actually reads like a thriller.

Mm, mmm. Delicious.

DOOR OPENS

Is Rosie going to have one?

Oh, no.

I have another one. Hi.

Mmm.

Hi.

Did she do it again?

No, no. Just the once, but she definitely laughed.

That's great.

That's really great.

I'm sorry, Emily, for everything.

I'm going to start doing...

..helping more, and I'm going to start...

Oh, God, I rehearsed this all the way back.

Just...

Did you stay long at the pub? No, I swerved it tonight.

I bought you a present.

But you can't fit a dishwasher in there.

I got it made.

Nice presentation.

You like that?

I thought it was apt, for Rosie.

"None of this makes sense to me,

"but then you are very small."

It's Treebeard talking to Pippin, from... Yeah. ..Lord Of The Rings.

I know where it's from, yeah.

Let me give Rosie her tea.

Come on.

Not just tonight.

Where's Rosie?

It's all right, Ben's got her.

He's 12 now. Legally, can we leave them here

and go on holiday?

I hope he enjoyed his birthday.

ROSIE SHOUTS

Oh, here we go.

Mum, light the candle.

Is it Hippo's birthday?

# Happy birthday to Hippo

# Happy birthday to Hippo

# Happy birthday dear Hippo

# Happy birthday to you! #

# There she goes

# There she goes again

# Racing through my brain

# And I just can't contain

# This feeling that remains... #

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