All language subtitles for Sleepwalk.With.Me.2012.720p.BluRay.x264-[YTS.LT]

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Before we begin,

I just want to ask you
to turn off your phone.

I say that 'cause I was
at a movie recently,

and the guy next to me answered
his phone during the movie.

And he answered it by saying-
and I quote-

he said, "Who dis?"

Which means, not only was he
willing to talk to someone;

he was willing
to talk to anyone.

He didn't care who it "das."

Thanks.

I'm not sure what the past tense
of "dis" Is,

but he did not care
who it "das."

I'm gonna tell you a story,
and-and it's true.

I always have to tell people
that because, inevitably,

someone will come up to me,
and they'll be like,

"Was that true?"

And I'll be like, "Yeah."

And they'll be like,
"Was it?"

I don't know
how to respond to that.

Like, I guess I could
say it louder, you know,

like, "Yeah!"

They'd be like,
"It's probably true.

He said it louder."

- Oh, God.

- Oh, are you okay?

- Yes, yes.

- It all started
when my girlfriend Abby and I

decided to move in
together.

I wasn't entirely sure
it was the best idea.

- Hardwood floors,
lots of room.

- My apartment now is only
slightly bigger than my body.

- So this is better?

- Yeah, yeah, this is better.

- Good.

- It's so dark in here,
so we can paint.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Well, if you like it,
you should act quickly,

because this will go today.

- Well, I love it.

Matt, do you love it?

Do you-
what do you want-

- I-well, I mean, do you think
we should see other places,

or are we rushing here?

- Mm, well...

Mm...

- Mm?

Yeah.

- We'll take it.

- Good.
Let's fill out.--...

- I just didn't feel like
my life was on sure footing.

You know, Abby was always

the more focused
of the two of us.

Abby was teaching
these vocal workshops

at a studio in Brooklyn,
and her students loved her.

Meanwhile, I was trying
to be a comedian,

which was not going so well.

When I was a kid,
I wanted to be a comedian,

a rapper, or the owner
of a pizza restaurant

where third graders
could hang out.

I didn't realize that
instead of being a comedian,

I would end up
just working at a bar

where they have comedy.

- Like, over time,

I've learned to become
more realistic about my goals.

Like, over time, for me,

the dream has gone from
getting famous doing comedy

to making a living
doing comedy

to finding $20 in the street.

I feel like that's
way more realistic...

- So it wasn't going too well.

But I kept telling myself
that It was,

because you-
I think, to be a comedian,

you have to be
a little bit delusional.

Particularly starting out,

there's just so much failure.

And amidst that failure,
you have to tell yourself,

"It's going quite nicely."

Because if you didn't, you would
just never get onstage again.

You'd be like, "I guess
human beings don't like me."

That's a hard reality to face.

As a matter of fact,
there are a lot of realities

I have a hard time facing.

But we'll get to that later.

Hey...

- Hi.

- I, uh-l packed
the blue thing

and then the pink thing
that goes under it.

- Perfect.

- And I got you these.

They didn't have unsalted,

so I flew to Africa
and got you those, specially.

- Thank you, Abby.
That was a great class.

- Oh, bye, Martin.
Thanks.

Thanks.

Listen, the class was not-

- Really?
That guy seemed happy.

And could you sign that?

That's for Janet.

They have a whole section now

for "Your Sister's
Engagement Party" cards.

- Wow.
This ls really specific.

- Yeah.

I was gonna cross some stuff
out, you know...

- Yeah?

- No mention of divorce rate
or-

- Do you want me
to write that in?

Yeah, you could write it in.

- To Janet and Philip.

- Last year, my younger sister
Janet got engaged.

That's Janet.

And those are my parents.

- You know, marriage is like...

Well, you know,
it's like this cake, you know?

When you first bite into it,

you can't imagine
anything better,

and you eat, and you eat,

and then maybe
you've had enough cake.

- My mom seems
to drive my father insane.

She always wants to add
one more thing.

- Ooh, and one more thing.

- But it's rarely anything that
deserves to be one more thing.

- I got the cake
on the Internet.

- You're next.

Oh, yeah, just look around,
man.

All of this is-
it's coming your way, baby.

Batter up.

- Oh, she's beautiful.

Look at her.

She's a keeper.

- Philip proposed to Janet
2 years after they met.

- It was 2 1/2 years.

It was almost 3.

- 2 1/2 years after they met.

- Very sweet.

- It was so sweet.

And, boy, they've come
a long way since then,

because Janet told me

that at the end
of their first date-

- Mom, you don't have to tell
that story.

That's not necessary.

- Philip said,
at the and of their first date,

"Good night, Gina."

And her name is Janet.

- He didn't know her name,
honey.

- Linda, what are you
talking about in there?

- Oh, Frank,
we're talking In here.

You ought to join us.

- Well, I know her name now.

I only call her "Gina" in bed.

- You can't say that.

- Just tell me,
what are you talking about?

- Philip knows Janet's name!

- Matt, how long have
you and Abby been together?

- Eight-eight years.

- Eight years.

- I don't remember it
being so long.

That's silly.
That's ridiculous.

- I used to save everything.

Listen to this email that
you sent me sophomore spring.

I actually printed these.

- That's very generous of you.

You're very stingy with toner.

Oh.

- Aw...

"Matt, my parents want me
to go to law school,

"but I'm like, 'Whatever.

I'm gonna move to New York
with my band."'

- Oh, yeah, and then that band
will break up,

and then I'll have
another band,

and then that band
will break up,

and then I'll teach-

Oh, my God.

Ah!

- Shh, you're gonna wake up
my parents.

"You're a keeper."

- Right.
And what does that imply?

That you're gonna
rip a hook out of my mouth

and throw me back?

They're gonna let me live?

- Oh...

Here.

And Uncle Max is so subtle

with that whole,
"You're next," thing.

It's just like, these people
just have no lives, you know?

I mean, you don't want
to get married, right?

Are you asking?

. Mo, I...

- Then, no, I guess.

- Abby, there's a jackal
in the room.

Abby, there's a jackal
in the room!

- What?

- There's a jackal,
right there.

- There's no jackal.

Come back to bed.

- What's going on?

- There, there.

- Matthew?

There's a jackal.

- That's-there's no jackal,
Matthew.

That's the hamper.

Go to bed, sweetie.

"There's a jackal in the room,"
right, son?

"Sweetheart, wake up.
There is no jackal.

Wake up."

- I think they get it,
Mom, yeah.

- Oh, oh, and he's in this,
like,

little karate pose,
so sweet, in the corner.

And he didn't even take karate,
though.

- Hey, Matt, you were no belt
in karate, I believe?

- That's what it was.

- How are you at kung fu?
- Pretty good.

- Dad, what are you doing?

- How long has this sleepwalking
been going on?

- No, Dad, you're gonna get
another heart attack if-

- Calm down.
- Oh, hush, hush.

- He doesn't care.

- You know,
I work with some physicians

over at the hospital who
specialize in sleep disorders.

I could make a referral.

- That might be really helpful.

- I don't think
it's that serious.

You know,
It's only happened once.

Probably just a fluke.

- Well, it's something
to keep an eye on.

Abby, can I count on you
to tell me if it happens again?

Thank you.

This bacon is delicious,
honey.

Really greasy.

Turn right on Horse Neck Road.

- You need money?

- No, Dad, I have a job.

- Why is that funny?

- Well, you need some goddamn
reality testing.

You need a car?

- No, I don't really drive.

- Right.

You could have this car.

We're giving it up.

- I don't know.

What do you think, Abby?

- Oh, Matt, uh...

. No, no, no, I-

- No, take it.

- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.

Are we okay?

Is something wrong?

- Matt, I'm not saying

I need to get married right now
or anything-.

Just-the idea that I spend
all of my time with a person

who can't even imagine that
as a possibility is just weird.

- I know what you mean.

What can I say?

She was right.

But at this point
in my life,

I mean, I was figuring out
some really basic stuff like:

what am I gonna do
with my life,

and where do you buy cereal?

You know?

I mean, I never thought
of marriage as a goal.

Like, I never looked
at my parents' marriage

or really anyone who'd been
married more than 30 years

and thought, "I got to get me
some of that."

But Abby was the greatest person
I'd ever met in my life.

I fell for Abby
from the moment I saw her.

She had this big,
beautiful smile.

Like, it seemed like her teeth
were bigger than her head

but in a sexy way.

So I built up the courage
to say...

Hey.

. Hey-

- I-I just wanted to say,

I really was moved
by your performance

just, like, on every level.

- Almost sounds creepy.

- No, I meant it
In some of the creepy ways.

I kept running into her
on campus...

Hey.

Because I was following her.

Matt.
- Matt. Matt.

- Hey, Abby.

- Hey, Matt, right?

- Yeah.

And I'd see her,
and I'd say...

Hey, are you free, like,
this weekend?

She'd say no,
which was hot also,

'cause I knew
she was sensible.

- No, really, we're arranging
four new songs,

and they all need
rehearsal...

- Eventually, I threw her
an off-speed pitch.

I said..

Do you want to go
to church sometime?

- What?

- Well, I haven't been to church
since I was, like, ten,

but there's this nice chapel
here on campus,

and I was thinking,
if the date doesn't go well,

maybe we'll get something
out of the homily.

- J' Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now J'

J' Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now J'

J' Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh J'

- Abby actually
had to convince me

to have sex
for the first time.

- I think I really want to.

- Yeah.

- Get out of here!

- $0117-

- She decided we'd go
to a bed-and-breakfast,

because nothing alleviates

the fear of sex
for the first time

like a really elaborate plan.

It was, like, a reversal
of those '80s high school movies

where the girl is like,
"Devin, I can't."

And Devin's like,
"But you can."

She was Devin,
and I was Molly Ringwald.

I think falling in love
for the first time

is such a transcendent feeling.

You know, it's like eating
pizza-flavored ice cream.

Your brain can't even process
that level of joy.

- Is there anyone else?

Yeah?

Yeah?
Come on.

- Whoo!

- Uh, I was thinking about
Cookie Monster, you know?

And I was just thinking, like,
do you think he-

this guy has
an eating disorder?

Like, all he eats is cookies,

and he doesn't even
have a throat.

You know, like,
he's only fooling himself.

Um, and I was-

like, I was thinking about
stick insects, you know?

And, like,
If I were an Insect-

I'm not an insect.
Like, I know that.

But, like, if I were
an insect, like,

I'd hate to be
a stick insect

'cause all the other insects

are always, like,
bumping into you

'cause they don't know
you're there,

and you got to just be like,
'Watch It."

And they're like,
"Yeah, you look like a stick.

And you're just like,
"Yeah, I have eyes."

And they're like,
"Yeah, they were closed.

More sticks."

all the jokes
I have.

- Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!

That was amazing.
- Yeah?

- That was a comedian.

- I really feel like
our whole lives,

no matter how low
our self-esteem gets,

some part of us
that thinks,

"I have a secret special skill
that no one knows about."

And eventually,
we meet someone who's like,

"You have a secret
special skill."

And you're like, "I know.
So do you.

Let's eat pizza-flavored
ice cream together."

And that's love.

It's a mountain
of pizza-flavored Ice cream.

And delusion.

- You had a nice, big wedding?

- Yeah,
it was really beautiful.

- You guys grow up together?

- You could say so.

We lived in the same borough.

Like, one train ride away.

- So Tommy's a good-looking guy,
huh?

- Well, I think so.

- You think it was love
at first sight?

- Oh, absolutely, yeah.

- Tommy, what's your favorite
thing about Tammy?

- I like how Tammy's beautiful
on the outside.

When you get to know her,

you realize she's beautiful
on the inside.

- Well, I didn't know
what Prince Charming was

until I met Tommy.

And now I know
what Prince Charming is.

Honey, did you record this?

- She could just like
those shows.

- I don't think anyone
likes those shows.

- I like those shows.

- Oh, sorry.

- I-I don't know.

Sorry-
Could you hold this?

- Yeah.

- I just don't understand
what the big deal is.

Right, like, I-
I don't know.

I just had always assumed

that you guys would get married,
you know?

She's amazing.

- I think that's the problem.

You know, it's like,
that's how Mom and Dad feel,

and that's how
me and Abby's friends feel.

Like, I think everyone thinks
the best thing about my life

is my girlfriend.

- It's-you're-
you're gonna be fine.

It sounds to me like
you just need a little space.

- Yeah.
No, you're probably right.

- You guys should take
a breather.

- What does that even mean now?

I mean, is it-like, she has sex
with some stranger?

- Yes.
Probably.

That's unbearable.

- Yeah, but-no, but you would
never know about it.

- That's worse.
- I know.

- Right?

No, do people ever take,
like, a "no sex" breather?

Is that something
that people could do?

- No.
- Do people have that?

- No, I don't think
anyone has that.

- No? Okay.
- No.

- You should-
you should talk to her.

Bring it up with her.
See what she says.

- Yeah.

No, I-
Yeah, I'm gonna do...

- Any wealthy people
with us tonight?

Any ultrarich millionaires?

I doubt it.

I've actually begun
dipping a few of my own toes

in the financial waters.

I've discovered I can turn
$1,000 into $420

in less than a week.

I have the rest of my money
in one of these online banks.

Anyone else have money
tied up

in one of these shady
institutions?

- Are you okay,
Pandamiglio?

- Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

. Hey-

- You okay?

- Yeah.
Just...

I was just talking to Janet
and-uh, today.

She-she had this thought.

- Oh.
What was the thought?

- Well...

Um, well,
she was saying that-

- Can I get a Jameson rocks?

- Yeah, yeah.

Great set.

I, uh-
I'm a comedian as well.

I perform here sometimes.

- Jameson...

- Oh, sure.

Anyway, it's, uh...

She just had this thought
where she was just like-

- Hey, guys!

- Hey!

- Hello!

- There's our guy.

- So adorable.

- Yeah.
- HI, Butler.

Nice boots.

- Hey, can we get
a couple free drinks?

- Yes.
Yeah, no.

- Actually, guys, you know,

Matt and I were gonna have
a little talk,

so maybe we could
just talk for a second,

and I'll come right back.

- It's no big deal, you know?

- You guys having, like,
a talk-talk?

Like a Cosby talk?

- No, no, no.
It's not a big deal.

- Well, is it the, "Theo getting
bad grades in school" talk

or the "Vanessa dating for
the first time" kind of talk?

- Yeah, I think it's neither.

But we can talk later.

- No, it's fine.
We can talk now.

Just give me a second.
Here.

- Yeah, totally.
No, we'll wait over there.

- Okay.
- Bye.

- Anyway-

- Pandamiglio, we're still
waiting on Terrence to show up.

You want to do five?
- Yeah.

- I'm gonna bring you on now.

- Okay.
Sure.

Um, oh, we can talk later.

- Okay, have a good set.
- All right.

- You may have seen
this next guy

crushing mint
into your mojito.

Please welcome
Matt Pandamiglio.

- Thanks.

Um, I was watching TV
the other day,

and I was watching The A-Team.

And I-you know, sometimes
I feel like these guys

aren't even trying,
you know?

Like, I feel like if you're
on the run from the law,

you might want to go easy
on the gold chains and feathers.

Like, maybe take the red stripe
off the van.

Just a couple ideas.

- So he thought there was
a jackal in your hamper?

- No, he thought the hamper
was a Jackal.

- On.

Okay.

- It was this really-

it was really stressful, though,
that weekend-

his parents and relatives
and everything.

Just kind of a weird time,
I guess.

- Well, you need to get you
one of these guys, huh?

That'll fix everything,
right, Petey?

- Oh, yeah, sure.

- Yeah?

- No, yeah.

I don't know if I'm ready
for one of these.

I don't know if Matt is either.

- Oh, come on.

Just tell him
Butler needs buddies.

- Yeah, I could say that.

Butler needs some buddies.

That-
I would never say that.

- Please welcome
Terrence Bailey, everybody.

Terrence Bailey.

Hey.

- Hey!

Yayl
You were great!

- Oh, did you guys watch?
- Uh-uh.

We heard those jokes in college,
though,

and they were funny then.

- Ah.

Um, let me grab your empties.

- Uno mas, monsieur.

- Thank you, bartender.

- Gracias.

- "What happened after dinner?"

"We went back to my place."

"Yeah.
Then what?"

"Ah, started making out."

"Yeah!
Then what?"

- Hey, man.

I was just-
I was just onstage.

Just did my set.

- This business is insane,
psychotic.

What's your name again?
Mick?

- Matt.

- Mack, I'm out there onstage
killing, right?

- Yeah.

- Meanwhile, I got friends
out in Hollywood,

terrible comics,
the worst,

just leaking
this derivative,

pandering comedic pus,
you know?

But they're on sitcoms.

- Sure.

- They have infinity pools.

They're taking flying lessons.

I know a guy with
a Wiffle Ball stadium.

- Yeah.
- Used to work here.

Now he's got a Wiffle Ball
stadium as a backyard.

It's malignant.

- Yeah.

I know what you mean.

- You see that woman
over there,

that mess with
the red roller suitcase?

- Yeah.

- That's my agent, Colleen.
Useless.

- Right.

- I told her,
"Get me out of here.

Get me on the road.
Get me some gigs out there."

Comes back to me with six gigs
spread across five states.

$150 a night.

- Mm-hmm.

- Pathetic.

- Hey, Ian, hi.

- Hey, Colleen, how are you?

Thanks a lot
for those gigs last week.

- Hey, no problem.

- Yeah.
All right, I'm gonna go.

Maybe I'll give you a buzz
tomorrow.

- All right.
That'll be nice. Okay.

- Hey, I'm Matt.

- Hey, Matt.

- How are you?

- Good.

I-I saw you onstage.

- Yeah. Cool. Cool.

- Yeah.

- Well, yeah, hey,

if there's ever any, like,
small gigs or-

or anything really kind of-
I'm around, just so you know.

- Yeah, well,
how much time can you do?

- I don't know.

Probably, like,
15 minutes or so.

- And he's great at hosting.

He hosts here all the time.

And colleges-
do you ever book colleges?

- A few, yeah.

- Yeah, he's great
with college students.

They love him.
They find him very relatable.

- Well, here, Matt.

Call me when you have-

when you want
to sit down and talk.

- Okay'

Great.

- Yeah?
See you. Bye.

- Pandamiglio, we got
a situation in the bathroom.

You're gonna need
the fuzzy mop.

- Okay'

Thanks for helping out
with the agent stuff.

You're just much better at
telling people what you want.

- God, Butler really
is adorable, huh?

- Which one's Butler?

- Butler.

- Butler, the-
Butler the baby.

The baby, yeah, yeah,
the little baby we saw.

Yeah, no,
I think I blocked that out

'cause I have
this fear of babies.

Like, I always get worried-

like, what happens
if I'm holding the baby

and then the baby just dies,
you know?

- And then I killed the baby.

- Right.

- And then-and-you know-

- Yeah, you're probably
not gonna get,

like, a Christmas present
after that.

- Exactly.

Then, 'cause they'd be like,
"What do we get Matt?

Nothing.
Ha killed the baby

And then if I ever want to,
like, adopt a baby,

they'll be like,
"Have you ever killed a baby?"

And I'd just be like,
"Kind of."

- Yeah.

Do you think Butler
needs some buddies?

- What?

- I don't know.

I was just thinking maybe
Butler could use a buddy.

- I think he's got
a lot of buddies.

He seems like he's very-

- No.
He's a loser.

He doesn't have any friends.

- No, he's got
a million friends.

I see him on the street
every day.

- Okay, well, someday,

we'll probably
make him a friend,

so we may as well practice
tonight

- You know, I've been practicing
on my own.

- What are you doing?

- I-I don't know.

I'm just, like, um...

I'm just, like, not into this
right now, intellectually.

- Intellectually?
Are you serious?

- Kind of.

Are you?

- Kind of.

- I was-l was talking
to Janet today,

and she was saying that,
last year,

she and Philip
took a breather

and that it was, like-
it made 'em closer.

- What?

- Oh, no-it was just, like,
this thing that she said.

I just thought
it was interesting.

- Are you saying you think
we should do that?

- No, no, no.
I'm saying they did that.

- Do you want to have sex
with other people?

- No.

- You want me to have sex
with other people?

- No. No.

I think theirs was, like,
a "no sex" breather.

- That's ridiculous.

If you don't want to be
with a person,

you should just break up
with 'em.

- And that's what I said.

Ah!

- You did it, Matt.

Third place.

- Third place?
In what?

I didn't even know
this was a competition.

I would have had
more preparation.

Third place in what?

- DustBustering.

- Matt, it looks like
there's been a mistake.

You actually got first place.

You're so beautiful.

- You have to move.

J'!

Thank you!

Ow!

- Matt?

. Abby...

- What happened?

- I got first place.

Ah. Ah.

- I'll go get a Band-Aid.

- This is the first time
I remember thinking,

"Well, this seems dangerous.

Maybe I should see a doctor."

And then I thought,
"Maybe I'll eat dinner."

And I went with dinner.

- Oh, and there's
one more thing.

Elaine from my swim club

bought a rice cooker.

- Thank you, dear.

- Well, I'm just telling them
because...

- I know.
- It's part of-

Oh, you have a-
they have a rice cooker.

- Thank you.

- Oh, well,
we love the apartment.

- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

- You gonna fix it up?

- Um, yeah, well,
we want to paint,

and we want to maybe get some
curtains and that kind of thing.

- Very busy.

- I think it's perfect.
I have to say.

- Linda, the dessert.

- Oh, we're not having dessert-
- Hush.

Your mother ordered a cake
from the Internet.

Now sit.

- Need some plates.

Wow.

- So, Matt, we, uh...

We heard about
the DustBuster Olympics.

You know, it's-

Linda, can you get-
you have the book in your purse.

Could you get the book for me,
please?

Yeah, I picked this up
for you.

The Promise of Sleep.

Got one for myself as well.

- Oh, thanks.

- Matt, can I see?

That's great, Dr. Pandamiglio.

That's exactly the kind of thing
we need.

- There are some
dangerous situations

you can get yourself into.

You ought to see a specialist.

- It was very minor.

- It wasn't minor.

- Well, I put in a call
to Dr. Latham.

He conducts these overnight
sleep studies.

- I appreciate it, Dad,
but right now I'm really busy.

- With what, folding napkins
into triangles?

- This just doesn't seem like
a dinner conversation to me.

- You know, Matthew, you say
you're gonna go see the doctor;

you don't.

You say you want to be
a comedian;

you're a bartender.

I mean, pick a goddamn plan
and stick with it.

- He's kidding,
not as funny as you.

- You're not that funny.

But the good news is,

this business has nothing to do
with funny.

Some of these colleges,

I could book
a shining, blinking light

or some confetti
falling from the ceiling,

and most of these kids wouldn't
know the difference, really.

- Right.

- So, you know, the truth is,
Matt, that at your level,

I don't have very much
right now.

But give it a year or two.

Stay in touch.

- Yeah, I'll do any show.

You know, I know
I'm, like, level zero.

- Well, I book a one-nighter
in Trenton on Tuesdays.

But it's mostly headliners.

And I have this gig at a college
upstate tonight.

I was gonna book someone-

- Yeah.
I mean, I could do that.

- Yeah, I know.

But, you know,
it only pays $170.

And that's probably what it
would cost you in tolls and gas.

I mean,
do you even have a cal'?

- Yeah.

- You want it?

- Yeah.

- All right.

Should have told me
you had a car.

Hey, Robbie.

Listen, I have
this fantastic guy for you.

Matt, uh...

- Pandamiglio.

- Panda, uh, piglio.

Oh, no.

Hilarious.

J'!

Continue straight.

- Continue straight.

- Release all that tension
that's down there

in that lower back
that we hold on to so tightly.

Breathe that mountain air
into your lungs.

And then release some sound.

Yeah.

Let's do some gentle
lip trills.

- Hey, listen to this.

That agent we met, Colleen,
booked me at a gig for tonight.

It pays 170 bucks.

- Yeah?

What is it?
Where is it?

- It's at this college
In Utica.

- Oh.
Where are you?

- I'm on the New York State
Thruway.

- Who's driving?

- Me.

Continue straight.

- Wait, did you call Ron?

- For what?

- Aren't you supposed to be
working dinner tonight?

- Oh, I totally forgot.

Okay, all right, I love you.

All right, bye.

- Union Hall.

- Hey, Ron, it's Matt.

- Pandamiglio, where are you?

- I'm, uh-well, listen.

I can't do my dinner shift
tonight

- What do you mean?

- Well, I got, like, a gig,
like, a paid gig.

- You have a gig.

It's called bartending.

- Yeah, look.
I can get someone to fill In.

Let me just make some calls.

- You know what?
Forget It.

I'll do it myself.

- Turn left
on University Boulevard.

- Ha, You don't know
how to pronounce "boulevard."

This is a pretty campus.

It's nice.

- Yeah, we like it.

So we kind of forgot
we booked a comedian.

So now we've got you
and this lip sync contest.

- Okay'

- So I guess you could host
the lip sync contest.

You could still do your act
or whatever

but just introduce
the contestants.

It's a very popular event.

- That sounds great.

- Great.

You know, this used to be
a very popular event.

Last year, there were 19 entries
to this contest.

And this year, there are two.

And, you know, we don't
have to have this contest

if you don't want to have it.

I'm not doing it for me.

I'm doing it for you.

And now the big comedian,
Matt Pandapiglio.

- Hey-

That's not really my name.

But...

Y'all ready to lip sync?

- I can't hear you.

That's my lip sync joke.

Okay.

Well, please welcome our first
contestant, Hilary Garnick!

- J' When I say J'

J' I want it that way J'

J' Well, we J'

J' Are two worlds J'

J' Apart J'

J' Can't reach to J'

J' Your heart J'

J' When you say J'

J' That I want it that way J'

J' Tell me why J'

J' Ain't nothin' but a... J'

- It's so cool
that you're a comedian

I mean, I can't even
imagine that.

You know, your whole job's
to tell jokes, right?

How do you even do that?

- I don't even know.

- Here you go.

- J' I want it that way J'

.l"Am .l'

J' Your fire? J'

J' Your one J'

J' Desire? J'

J' Yes, I know J'

J' It's too late J'

J' But I want it that way J'

J' Tell me why J'

J' Ain't nothin'
but a heartache J'

J' Tell me why J'

J' Ain't nothin'
but a mistake J'

- "David and his men
were in the Wilderness of Maon

in the plain on the south
of Jeshimon."

- J' I want it that way J'

- Pizza Shack.

- Hey, do you cut your slices
into triangles or squares?

- Triangles.

- Okay, good.

In the picture,
it looked like squares.

- J' No matter the distance J'

J' I want you to know J'

J' That deep down inside... J'

- So I guess the car
made it back to the city?

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Okay'

Well, well, have you read
any of the book yet?

- Thanks.
Um, yeah.

- Well, I'm reading
this interesting section.

It says that to avoid
these kinds of situations,

you need to think of sleep
as a gradual power-down.

So a few hours before bed,
turn off your phone,

turn off the news,
the Internet,

and don't eat big meals.

- Yeah, definitely.

- Matthew, I'm gonna get you
some aromatherapy, okay?

- Oh, damn it, Linda.

Hang up the goddamn phone.

' Why are you yelling?

All right, look,
I made you an appointment

with Dr. Latham
for a sleep study on June 20th.

- Okay, I could have
done that myself, Dad.

I can call.

- It's okay.
I made it.

Did you write it down,
the 20th?

- Yeah.

- I don't think
you're writing it.

- I wrote it again.
- Good.

You have a good night.
Try to get some sleep.

- All right.
Thanks, Dad.

All right, bye.

Hey, listen to this,
from Colleen.

"We had a fall-out at
a comedy club tomorrow night

"in Burlington, Vermont.

Pays 50 bucks."

This is amazing.

- Cool.

So you'll be home Sunday,
then?

- Yeah, I think so.

And listen to this.
I get to open for Marc Mulheren.

- How far is Burlington?

- It's, um...

It's on the way.

All right, love you.

J'!

What do you mean by that?

Um, would it be possible
for you

to take me to The Comedy Factory
In Burlington?

- No.

I can take you to the garage
down the road.

- All right.

Um, listen.

I'm really late
for this gig, so, like,

if there's anything
I can do, like-

Well...okay.

Is that how much it costs?

- This is fine.

- All right.

Okay.

One thing I should tell you
is that Colleen had asked me

if I could perform 30 minutes
of comedy for this gig.

Now, what I should
have said was,

"I only have about 11 minutes
of material, tops."

And what I did say was,
"Yeah."

- So is that Band-Aid
part of the act?

No? You're not
the head wound comic?

It's not your tag?

You know, "I got a head wound,"
after every joke?

Is that you?

- No, look, I got to be honest
with you.

She wants me to do
a half hour.

I only have, like,
ten minutes of material.

I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

- Really?
Wow.

You're gonna have to fill out
that time somehow, man.

Do some crowd work.
Talk to the audience.

Make fun of people.

- Whenever I make fun of people,
they punch me.

- Uh-huh.

- Matt, we're bringing you
on now.

- Don't do that onstage.

- Thanks.

- Unless it's your closer.

- I was thinking about
Cookie Monster, you know?

And do you think this guy's got
an eating disorder, you know?

Nice shirt, loser.

Sorry.

No, I like it.

It's nice.

Sorry.

Anyway, I was watching
a lot of TV this week.

- Is that bit you do
about teenagers really real?

Yeah.

- Hey, you did okay, man.

- Yeah?

- Well, I-you know.

"Okay" is kind of a strong word
but...

You tanked.

I thought it was funny,
but I'm a comic.

I'm sick, so...

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Right.

- You just got to keep telling
yourself you're killing,

and it will all
fall into place.

You'll figure it out.

- Thanks.

- You married or...

- Um, no.

I-well, kind of.

I-I don't know.

I have a girlfriend but-
it's serious, you know.

It's just-

You know, it's-we've been
together for a long time-

- You all right, man?
- Yeah, yeah.

It's just, you know-
I'm just-I've decided

I'm not gonna get married
until I'm sure

that nothing else good
can happen in my life.

You should say that onstage.

- Yeah.

That wouldn't go over so well
at home.

- We're not at home.

- Are you married?

- Kind of.

- Hey, Colleen.

- Hey, listen, we got great
feedback on you last night.

- Yeah?

- Well, no, not really.

But Marc recommended you
for a gig

in Philadelphia on the 20th.

- Oh, yeah?
He liked my act?

- Well, no.
No.

But he thought it would be...

He thought you'd be great

taking the bullet
for other comedians.

- That's great.

The 20th, yeah.

That's great.

- Well, cool.

Listen, I'll email you
the details, okay?

- I was-l was at the zoo,
and I-

One of-
I was at The National Zoo,

and they have
the panda bear there,

you know, Ling-Ling,
I think, is from China.

And the...

You know, they're having
a hard time

getting the pandas to mate,
you know, the-

trying to get them
to mate with each other.

- Next.

- Okay'

I've been having some issues
in my relationship

with my girlfriend lately
where, like-

I think she wants to get
married, you know?

And I've decided I shouldn't
get married until I'm sure

that nothing else good
can happen in my life.

And, you know,
my girlfriend and I worry

about different things.

You know, one day I said,
"What do you fear most?"

And she said, "I fear
you'll meet someone else

and you'll leave me
and I'll be all alone."

And she said,
"What do you fear most?"

And I said, "Bears."

Thanks, man.

- Yeah.
Nice work tonight.

- Thanks.

$23?
Is that-

I don't want to be a dick,
but I thought it was $50.

- That was if we sold out.

31 paid, 25 comps.

That's $360
with a 50-50 house split.

I've got to pay
the headliner $150.

You get the rest.

- That's still, like, 30 bucks.

- 7 bucks
for the chicken fingers.

- I'm not paying for those
fucking chicken fingers.

You should be ashamed
to charge people for those.

- All right.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

- How'd it go?

- It was great.

Like, I met
all these other comics.

I tried out
all this new material.

You would have been
really proud.

- Hey, I can't really hear you.

What was the new material?

- It was just, like-

it was, like, a lot of stuff.

I'll tell you about it later,
but where are you?

- Oh, we're-no, we're all at
this bar that Hannah found.

We're playing Drunkerdash.

- What's that?

- It's-you know, it's just
Balderdash but drunk.

I came up with a really good
definition for codswallop.

- What?

- Codswallop!

- What?
- See If you can get It.

Here.

A, a rock formation
found only in Iceland,

or, B, a sticky situation.

- I knew it.

I knew that.

- You didn't know.

- Yes, I did.

- You should have said it, then.

- I was ordering fries.

- Are you talking to me?

- No.
That's just Dave.

You got to meet him.

- If you go outside
and I'll go outside,

then maybe we can
hear each other better.

- Oh, babe, I-
I really can't hear you.

- Okay'

I'll talk to you later.

Hey, I'll have another one,
you guys.

- The thing is, he definitely
does not have a parking...

I actually had a crazy gig once
where these two orthodox Jews

had asked me if I would perform
at, like, their art gallery.

- Yeah.

- They told me there were gonna
be hundreds of people there.

And then I go,
and it's just...

- Is it okay?
- Yeah, yeah, go for It.

- It's just their apartment,
and it's just them.

- Yeah.
So it wasn't, II Ice, a show.

- No.
- It was like a conversation

- It was more like
a quiet conversation.

- I did this one show.

It was in the parking lot
of a Home Depot.

The only people
we're performing for

are, like, the migrant workers
who are just hanging out there.

I'm going up last,

and I'm watching every other
comic just eat it, just tank.

But I'm thinking, like,

I want to get some response
from these people.

Like, I should close strong.

What Spanish do I know?

And I'm like, "I know.

I'll say,
Long live the Immigrant."

And I'm like, "All right,
everybody, this has been fun.

Viva La Migra, "

which is, "Long live
the immigration police."

- Yeah, so I'm just gonna crash
with these guys tonight.

And I will be-yeah, I'll be
home in the morning.

All right.

All right, I love you.

Bye.

- Hey, man, how you feeling?

- Oh, I'm good.
I'm good.

I'm just-l'm stuffed.

You know, that pizza and-

- Oh, yeah, me too.

It's good, though.
I love It.

- Yeah.
- Helps me sleep.

- Yeah.

- You know how they have
those neck pillows

that they have on the plane
that people wear?

I think it'd be great
if you had one of those,

but it's made out of pizza,
and so you just sit there

and gnaw on the pizza
and then fall asleep with that.

- Yeah, that's
a really good idea.

- Yeah, I'm gonna try to do
something with it.

No, hey, by the way, I think
Lynn is diggin' you, man.

' Oh, Lynn?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- I think you could make out
with her if you wanted to.

- Yeah, no,
I have a girlfriend.

- Oh, you really do?
- Yeah.

- On.

So all those jokes
are true or...

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Oh, wow.

Has she heard the jokes?

- No.

- No, you should
probably mention it.

- I wrote a letter to my dad.

I was gonna write,
"I really enjoy being here,"

but I accidentally wrote
"rarely" instead of "really. "

And I wanted to use it.

I didn't want to cross it out.

So I wrote, "I rarely drive
steamboats, Dad.

"Then-2% a lot of shit
you don't know about me

Quit trying to act like
I'm a steamboat operator. "

Why'd you take off your glasses?

- Just 'cause if we're really
gonna do this,

I don't want to be able
to see you.

- Okay'

I don't know if this
is such a good idea.

I have a girlfriend.

Matt...

This just is what it is,
you know?

We're here.

Are you really gonna
deny yourself the experience

of just being in
the present?

- I guess so.

- This will make you
more comfortable.

- What is that?

- It's a pizza pillow.

- It's very good.

- Yeah, you like it?

- Yeah.
I like the sauce.

- Oh, yeah?
Do you want more-

- The sauce is very good,
yeah.

- Yeah, it is good sauce.

Do you want more sauce?

- Yeah, more sauce.

- Okay'

I'll go get you more sauce.

- Okay-
- Okay'

- Whoa!

Hey, I love the sauce.

It is very good sauce.

- Do you like the sauce?

- It's too hot!

The sauce is too hot!

It's too hot!

Ah, the-l like the sauce,
but it's too hot!

- Hey, what are you doing, man?

Are you taking a shower?

- Yeah.

Sorry about that.

Just had a weird dream.

- Yeah, well, you know,
you're not supposed

to actually act them out
like that.

They're like movies, you know?

You just sort of watch 'em.

- Matt, I got
a run of dates for you.

It's gonna hurt,
but you'll make

about 900 bucks
for six days of shows.

- Oh, that sounds perfect.

- Well, it's Hartford, Canton,
Lancaster...

- And I think that
she wants to get married.

And I just decided I shouldn't
get married until I'm sure

that nothing else good
can happen in my life.

You know, I mean,
I just have this fear

that marriage
might be like school.

You know how when you're
real little and you think,

"Maybe some day
I'll get to go to school."

And then you go to school,

and that first week,
you're just like,

"How much longer
do I have to go to school?"

And they're like,
"17 more years."

And you're like, "Oh, no."

Colleen booked me.

It's good, right?

I mean, is that-
is that cool?

- Yeah. Yeah.

That's gonna be great for you.

Great.

- Yeah, it's good, right?

Do you want to come?

- To Lancaster?

I'm good.

- My parents have been together
40 years, which is-

Yeah, no, but it's too long.

I think if the people
who invented marriage

knew that people were gonna be
married 40 years,

they'd be like, "Well, this
isn't what we intended at all."

You know, back then,
people only lived to be 40,

if they were lucky.

They'd be so confused.

They'd be like, "When were
they married, as babies?

I don't approve of babies
marrying one another."

Like, you ever think
about that?

Hello?

- Hi, Matt, it's Dawn
from Dr. Latham's office.

You missed your sleep study.

Oh, right. Sorry.

Okay, listen, can I call you
back in, like, two minutes?

- Sure.

- You ever think about that,
that maybe in the future,

marriage will be
the new divorce?

People will be like,
"Yeah, I'm pretty messed up.

My parents
are still together."

And people will be like,
"Wow, sounds really hard.

Is it a first marriage?"

And they'll be like, "Yeah."

I always have this fear
in relationships

that I'm gonna love someone
and then eventually hate them.

Before I tell you
this part of the story,

I want to remind you
that you're on my side.

Thank you guys very much.

I really appreciate it.

Thank you.

I'm on the road
for about six weeks,

and one night, I'm backstage
at a comedy club in Ohio.

- Hey, I'm closing out my tabs
for the night.

You want another drink?

Or another appetizer
or entree?

- Am I eating that much?

That's embarrassing.

- Are you kidding?

You haven't even tried
our popcorn yet.

- I'm saving room
for the popcorn.

I heard it's imported
from a carnival.

Who you writing to?

- Oh, this is to my girlfriend.

- You have a girlfriend.

- Yeah, yeah, we've been
together since-

- That's cool.

So tell me if you think
this ls crazy.

My other job is at Hooters,
which is really crazy

because one of my boobs
is bigger than the other boob.

Isn't that crazy?

- Yeah.

- Do you want to see them?

- Your boobs?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Cool.

- Oh, I mean, not-

You know,
I didn't think you ware-

I thought you were kidding.

I didn't know
you were actually gonna-

you know, I didn't know

you were gonna actually
do it right now.

You know, there's just-

There's people here.

I don't think that's a good-

- Oh, no.
gone.

- Oh, well-

Mm.

I don't want to-l have-
sorry, I have-I-

- What are you doing?

- Sorry.
l-

Sometimes I have
this trouble breathing.

I have a girlfriend, and I
probably shouldn't be here and-

- Yeah, no, I know the drill.

- I did not know the drill.

But I knew I shouldn't be there,
and so I left the situation.

And a few hours later,
after several drinks...

I reentered the situation.

And the next day, I drove
to my sister Janet's wedding.

- So how was your trip?

- It was good.

It was good.

- Yeah?
Did anything happen?

- What do you mean?

- I don't know.

You're just acting
kind of weird.

- I think you're acting weird.

- Really? How?

- By asking me how my trip was.

And I felt guilt and shame.

But I also felt like this kind
of thing might happen again.

And I knew I shouldn't be
getting married.

- And you may kiss.

- Your mother and I did this
40 years ago.

At a certain point,
you got to zig or zag.

- All right.

Mom, Mom, a little closer,
please.

Straighten up.
Stop fussing.

And say "happy-"

Happy-

- All right,
just the bride's family.

Let's get
family only.

All right, uncle up a step.

Up two steps.

- Two steps.
- Aunt, down.

- Matt, don't you want Abby
In the picture?

- Um...

- Of course he does.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of course.
Yeah, yeah.

- Come on.
Come on over.

- This is your spot,
right here.

- Okay'

Happy...

Happy-

- I can park.

- No, that's okay.

I'm gonna meet up with Hannah
anyway.

- Now?

- Yeah.

- You want me to come?

- No, I'm good.

Hi, this is Abby.

And you are?

- Hey, it's me.

I was just calling to see
up,

like, where you are
and everything.

- This is Abby.

And you are?

. Hey-

Hey.

- And you are?

- Me again, calling.

Just...

At 4:00 a.m.,
Abby walked in,

and she was crying,
and she was drunk.

And I said,
"Abby, where were you?"

And she said, "If we're not
gonna get married,

I got to figure
something else out."

What are you-
- Stop It.

Give me my bag, Matt.
What is the difference?

- You are not doing this.
- Why don't you let go?

I've just been so-

I love you, you know?

I just think that we...

I'm not...

We should just get married.

- No.

- Yeah, I'll get a ring,
and we'll get-

rent that cabana down by
my parents' beach house.

- No.

- I really think that
this is what we should do.

- No.

- We have to.

I mean, I can't imagine life
without you.

I think that
we should just do it.

I think we should just-

Finally she said, "When?"

Now, what I should have said
was,

"Can we talk about this
next summer?"

What I did say was...

Next summer.

And that's how I got engaged.

I know.

I'm in the future also.

- J' Well, we J'

J' Ain't got a barrel
of money J'

J' Maybe we're ragged and funny J'

J' But we'll travel along,
singing our song I

J' Side by side J'

J' Don't know what's coming
tomorrow J'

J' Maybe there's trouble
and sorrow J'

J' But we'll travel the road,
sharing our load J'

J' Side by side J'

J' Through all kinds of weather J'

J' But if the sky should fall J'

J' As long as we're together J'

J' Doesn't matter at all J'

J' When they've all had
their quarrels and parted J'

- Yeah!

- J' We'll be the same
as we started J'

J' While travelin' along,
singin' our song J'

J' Side by side J'

- Matt, come back to bed.

We're gonna do the drill.

- No, thank you.

I can't come in there
anymore.

- Matt, come back to bed.

- No, I said,
"No, thank you."

- Matt, you got to call
the doctor today.

- I will. I will.

I'm sorry.

I-I promise.

What are you doing?

- I'm writing it on your hand.

- The Promise of Sleep
by Dr. William C. Dement.

During their entire lifetime,
people...

- My dad got me a book called
The Promise of Sleep.

His four basic tips
for helping you sleep,

they all have to do
with powering down

a few hours before bed,
turning off the news

and the Internet and the phone,
and don't eat big meals,

which just so happen

to be my four favorite
activities before bed.

I'm completely addicted
to cable news.

I think it's 'cause
they hook you in

with the laser sound effects

and questions you couldn't
possibly know the answers to.

They'll be like, "Puh-choo!

Do you know
in your soup?"

And I'm like, "Oh, my God.

"I guess I don't know
what's in my soup.

"I got to stick around.

"I thought maybe broth,
but I wasn't 100%.

"What is this,
a commercial for Toyota?

All right, I'll watch this,

just as long as you tell me
what's in my soup."

And then they'll be like,
"Puh-choo, it's broth."

I'm like, "I knew it.

I knew it was broth,
but I wasn't 100%."

And I've been sleepwalking.

I walk in my sleep and...

Sleepwalking
is a terrifying phenomenon

when you think about it

'cause it's your body
making a decision

that's distinctly different
than your conscious mind.

Your conscious mind is like,

"We're gonna rest
for a few hours."

And your body's like,
"We're going skiing!"

I should see a doctor,
really,

'cause it's gotten
pretty serious,

but I don't really want
to see a doctor, you know,

because sleep disorders,
they involve your brain.

And the list of fun
brain diseases ls very short,

you know,
If you're ever surfing WebMD.

- I got booked
at nine collages In seven days.

I was performing across Ohio,
in Pennsylvania, in Delaware,

Washington, D.C.,
North Carolina.

There are 78 known
sleep disorders,

things that range
from sleep apnea

to night terrors
to narcolepsy.

Narcolepsy is terrifying

'cause there are people
who fall asleep

at any time for any reason.

There are female narcoleptics
who fall asleep

the moment they reach orgasm.

I was thinking you could call
these women "men."

And while I went on the road,

Abby started preparing
for our wedding

for months and months,

working on
very specific things:

locations, dresses, caterers.

I knew this wasn't gonna happen,
but I couldn't say it.

- Where is he?

- He's in Philadelphia.

Playing a club
called The Joke Barn.

- You're kidding me.
The Joke Barn?

- I don't really know
what to think anymore.

- They're having you perform
In the center

of a walkathon for lupus.

Seven shows in a week.

- I really appreciate it,
Colleen,

but right now I'm just-

you know, I don't think
I should be driving that far.

I mean, that's, like,
1,000 miles in, like, five days.

- Well, I got a lot of guys,
Matt.

I'd be glad to take you off
the speed dial.

- No, no, I can do it.

I can do it.

I just-yeah, no, it's fine.

It's fine.

- Okay'

- Thanks, Colleen.

Thanks.

- Police have a suspect
in custody,

but they're not releasing
any information

until they complete
their investigation.

- I hear you're good at taking
the bullet for other comedians.

J'!

Hey.

You okay?

- Are you okay?

- Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

- Here we have some of
the heavier cardstock options.

- It's beautiful.

Beautiful.

- And when are you
sending these out?

- Right.

- Well, the invitation
would go out June 15th.

- June 15th.

- And then the wedding
will be August 22nd.

I guess.

- You guess?

- If you're gonna get married,
dear,

you have to be running down
the aisle.

- Yeah, no, I know.

- It's-it's a lot of decisions.

- I understand.
- It's fine.

Here.

- This is one of my favorites.

You'll notice how...

- The Promise of Sleep,
by me, Dr. William C. Dement.

- What are you doing
In my car

- I'm not really here.

You're just exhausted.

- Is your name
actually Dr. Dement?

- Surely is.

- I feel like if I were
a sleep physician,

I'd want to go with
a more soothing name

like Dr. Happysleep,

Dr. Chamomile Tea.

- Can we please begin?

- Yeah. Sorry.

Sorry.

- Chapter Four,
The Promise of Sleep.

We sleep more than 200,000 hours
during a lifetime.

That's the equivalent
of 8,000 days.

In spite of all the research,
we know very little-

- Okay. Go ahead.
Well, is there like a-

ls there a chapter
on sleep disorders?

- Let me skip ahead.

Chapter Nine,
Sleep Disorders.

There's sleep walking,
sleep talking,

eating while you're asleep.

But one of the most serious
of the many sleep disorders

is REM Behavior Disorder.

People who have
REM Behavior Disorder

actually act out the dream
they are having.

In REM Behavior Disorder,

people are often running away

from some kind of demon
or wild animal.

In rare instances,
people with this sleep disorder

have actually gone so far

as to kill the person
they're sleeping with

while they're asleep.

- Wait.
What?

- In rare instances,
people with this sleep disorder

have actually gone so far

as to kill the person
they're sleeping with...

While remaining asleep.

Almost nothing is known
about It

and almost nothing
can be done.

- Hi, Mom.

- Hi, Matthew.

Oh, where are you?

- I'm-I'm in Maryland.

I'm staying at La Quinta Inn.

- No, you mean La "Keen-tah."

- No, I think it's La Quinta.

- Welcome to La Keen-tah Inn.

- Thanks.

Told you.

Oh, is Abby with you
at La Quinta Inn?

- No, she's at home.

- I have to tell you,

she sent us a photo
of the dress.

Have you seen it?

- No.
No, I-sorry.

- Oh, you're fine.

Great pool here, huh?

- I just checked in.

I don't really know.

- It's open, like, 24/7.

- Sorry. Right.

- Waffle bar's awesome too.

- I'm not gonna tell you
about this.

- Okay, Mom.
l-

- Right?
- Right.

- Right, I mean-but I could
tell you, but I shouldn't.

- No, I know.

- On the other hand
I just don't think

it would be so bad
if I just described-

I mean, a little description
won't really ruin the effect.

Okay, well, let me tell you
about the dress.

It's off-white and very bosomy,
which I know that you like.

- Linda, are you telling him
about the wedding dress?

- I'm-no, just giving him
a little bit-little-

- Oh, God damn it.

You're not supposed
to let the groom

know about the dress.

- Well, I don't think a little
tease will hurt, really.

- Give me the phone.
Give me the-

Why did you have
to bring that up to him?

- Because I thought
he would enjoy it.

- Hey, look, hey, Matthew,
where the hell are you, anyway?

Are you all right?
- Things are fine.

- Yeah, well, I just got
an E-ZPass bill for $563.

Are you using my goddamn car
to cruise around the country?

- No, I'm not cruising, Dad.

What are you talking about?

- Oh, I don't think
that car can take it.

I think you either got
to settle down or get a new car.

- I-I got to go.

- Matthew, one more thing.

I'm gonna email
the photo to you.

- No, I got to go, Mom.
- I sent It.

- Oh, God damn it!

- Isolate the coordinates.

- Yes, sir.

Bearing mark 2-1 -1 -3,

latitude 46 degrees north
and longitude 118 west.

- What's going on?

- We're currently tracking
a guided missile

that's headed
straight for this room.

- Just tell me this.

What's the plan?

- Well, Matt, it looks like
you don't have one.

I think you need a little
goddamn reality testing.

- There's one more thing.

The missile coordinates
are set specifically on you.

- What's gonna happen
to these people?

- It doesn't look good, Matt.

- Warning.

12, 11...

- Okay!

- 10, 9, 8...

- An!

Ah!

- I just saw a guy jump out
the window screaming.

I mean, is anybody gonna do
anything?

My God!

- Hello.

I'm staying at the hotel.

I had an incident wherein
I jumped out my window,

and I'm bleeding,

and I need to go
to the hospital.

- All right.

What's painful about jumping out
a second-story window

isn't actually
the jumping part.

It's when they start to pick
the glass out of your legs.

- This glass was right near
your femoral artery.

If you'd have hit that,
you'd have bled to death.

You should be dead.

- No, you should.

I zinged him...

Because I'm a comedian.

I don't think that
we should be getting married.

I-and I...

I knew I wasn't ready,
and I should've said it but...

I just think
I should be on my own.

- You're right.

We shouldn't
be getting married.

- How long have you
felt like that?

When I was getting ready
to make this film,

I was obsessing over
my relationship with Abby

and what went wrong

and why she stayed with me,
you know, all these years.

And so I went to visit her.

She lives upstate
with her husband and two kids.

And, you know,
I called in advance.

You know, I didn't just show up
and say, like,

"I'm your ex-boyfriend,
and I want answers."

You know?

I know that that's probably
not the best thing to do.

And so I-you know,
we're friends,

and so I went
and visited her and-

and we're having tea,

and, like, her kids
are running around,

and I said to her-
I was like,

"Why did you stay with me
all those years

when you knew
that we were doomed?"

And she said...

"I didn't want to hurt you."

Can you believe that?

We almost spent the entire
rest of our lives together

because we didn't want
to make the other person mad.

I'm gonna tell you a story
tonight, and it's true.

And I always have to tell people
that because inevitably...

And I would say, "Abby!

There's a jackal in the room!"

We went to my sister Janet's
wedding.

Now, if you're ever
in a relationship

that seems to be moving
towards marriage

and you're not ready for it
to go in that direction,

don't go
wedding.

As my anxiety about
my relationship got worse,

my sleepwalking got worse.

The window was closed,

so I jumped through a window
like The Hulk.

I did what I should have done
in the first place

when I saw the jackal,

when I was in
the DustBuster Olympics.

I went to a doctor who
specializes in sleep disorders.

I was diagnosed
with REM Behavior Disorder.

And so now when I go to bed
at night,

I turn off the news,

the phone,
and the Internet.

I take medication,

and I sleep in a sleeping bag
up to my neck.

And I wear mittens...

So I can't open
the sleeping bag.

- Please welcome to the stage,
Matt Pandamiglio.

- A lot of times,
people will come up to me,

and they ask me, you know,
like, "Are you cured?"

And I say, "No."

But I think that's okay.

J'!

- J' I've been waiting
for a sign J'

J' I've been waiting
for a sign J'

J' To tell me where J'

J' Tell me where J'

J' I belong J'

J' And you've been waiting
for the night J'

J' You've been waiting
for the night J'

J' To take you far J'

J' Take you far away
from me J'

J' Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now J'

J' Who, who, who, who J'

J' Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now J'

J' Who, who, who, who J'

J'!

J' I've been waiting
for a sign J'

J' To tell me where J'

J' Tell me where J'

J' Where I belong J"

J' And you've been waiting
for the night J'

J' You've been waiting
for the night J'

J' To take you far J'

J' Take you far away
from here J'

J' Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now J'

J' Who, who, who, who J'

J' Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now J'

J' Who, who, who, who J'

J' And as I'm waiting
on your doorstep now J'

J' I notice patterns
in the paint J'

J' I'm wondering how
the glass will hit J'

J" When I J"

J' As I turn and go in shame J'

J' Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now J'

J'!

- J' There's a spot
on your body J'

J' And it caused all the boys J'

J' Follow your eyes
and get lost J'

J'!

J' You'll swear
to your family J'

J' Family and friends J'

J' Why, it was just yesterday J'

J' Just swear
to your family J'

J' Family and friends J'

J' Why, it was just yesterday J'

J'!

J' If every man's
a photographer J'

J' Then smile
and hold up your head J'

J' Give him one of your
long batty looks I

J' Before he climb on
into your bed J'

J'!

J' And you'll swear
to your family J'

J' Family and friends J'

J' Why, it was just yesterday J'

J' Just swear
to your family J'

J' Family and friends J'

J' Why, it was just yesterday J'

J'!

J'Mmm.J'

J' Mmm, mm-mm, mmm J'

J'!

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