All language subtitles for Seeing Other People (2004) 1080p

[chorus vocalizing]

[man] Happiness...
is it enough?

Is it possible to find
happiness

and just be happy
about it?

Alice and I had been happy
for a long time.

Long enough that we were
getting married,

and we were both very...

...well, we were happy
about it.

[brakes squeal]

[Alice] We did nice things
for each other.

Things some couples might
not consider romantic,

but we considered the little
things we did for each other
truly romantic.

For example, we always did
the dishes together.

[man] It was more fun that way.

And no one got screwed.

Alice was very into
good smells.

She was always on the hunt
for the shampoo

that would make us feel alive
and clean and fresh.

[Alice] Ed made fun
of my desire to find
morning sunshine in a bottle.

But he liked it.

He smelled great and so did I.

[Ed] Whenever I was at
the post office,

I would look for the stamp that
would make Alice happy

to send her letters.

It's not a gift on the level of
red roses or diamond earrings.

[Alice] But we were beyond
red roses and diamond earrings.

We had reached stamps.

We were simpatico.

[Ed] Did I have friends who
were having more fun than me?

The masseuse just gave me
a hand job.

- Get out!
- Yep!

- Did you guy discuss
it beforehand?
- Nope.

And she give you a hand job
just like that?

Just like that, buddy.

Wow!
I've gotten massages before,

never once did anyone
ever give me a hand job.

- [woman] Roll over.
- I got to go.

[Ed] Sure, yeah.

I had friends who were
having more fun than me, but,

Alice and I, we had
a different kind of fun.

Oh, good add-on.

The kind of fun you have

when you've been with someone
you love for five years.

[Alice] That's why
we were getting married.

[brakes squeal]

- [Alice] Oh, my God.
- [exhales]

[exhales]

We could've just been killed

on the way to our own
engagement party.

Whoo, at least we wouldn't
have had to sit through
any of the toasts.

[laughing] Wow! Wow!

[man] My lawyer says
I'll be lucky if I get
two Sundays a month.

[Ed] Rebecca gets Buster?

- That's not fair.
That's your dog.
- You believe that shit?

- You trained that dog.
- Exactly.

- I'm really sorry about that.
- Yeah, that's rough.

Yeah, I'm OK.

I'm OK.

I still got Herman.

Thinking about some cats.
[slurps]

- Crab puff with lemon aioli?
- No, thank you.

Good call, they're terrible.

- Oh.
- Wait for the duck beets.

What? Is there anything else
I should look out for?

Just the clumsy waiters.

- I'm Tim.
- I'm Alice.

- Hmm.
- And...

this is my engagement party

Oh, another one lost
to the void.

[chuckles]

I gotta, um...
[clears throat]

He was my number one,
you know?

[sobs]

I won't say nothing to Herman
about it, that's cool.

Why are we even at
this thing anyway? Huh?

Oh, Claire and Peter insisted.

You know,
I can't even believe

that Claire and Alice
are sisters.

Claire...

...is so nasty.

Her husband laughed at
something that I said earlier...

So then the stall door opens
and it's Frank Gorshin.

[laughs]

Oh, God.

Honey, please, your breath
is like a sewer.

Please, honey.

She just said his breath
smelled horrible

in front of everybody.

It's called marriage, Carl,
get over it.

- And you get used to it.
- [chuckles]

Oh, no. It's different
with him and Alice.

I mean, they really
got something.

- I mean, Peter and Claire...
- There's Peter right now.

- Peter, what's up, buddy?
- Ed! Eddie!

- Eddie!
- Edward!

That's right!

What should I call you now
that we're about to be related?

- Ed.
- May I call you Eddie?
- Sure.

- I never really enjoyed
saying the name "Ed."
- [both chuckling]

Why the devil are you hiding
out over here,

you should be out celebrating,
shouldn't you?

I mean, after all,

you got the good sister.

[both laugh]

I wouldn't say that.
Come on, Claire.

Claire is... you know.

Claire is...

- Yes, Claire is Claire.
- Claire.

- But Alice...
- Alice.

Alice is...

- She's Alice, isn't she?
- [laughing]

- Alice is Alice.
- You lucky fucker, you are.

Oh, Terry!
Excuse... Terry!

- His breath is pretty bad.
- No shit.

- British.
- Good God.

Hey!
Carl, you wore your
fancy shirt for us.

You guys are
my favorite couple.

Thank you very much.

Speaking of couples,
where's Amanda?

- Ooh.
- What?

She ditched me
for a guy with a job.

- I'm sorry...
- That hurts.

- Yeah. Ed didn't tell me that.
- I'm sorry.

- Uh...
- I'm sorry.

Claire wants to make
a toast for us.

No! No, not Claire!
Anybody but Claire!

Your sister's toasts
are clunky.

They make people uncomfortable.

- It's her house, her toast.
- She cannot.

Hello, everyone.
I'm Claire. I'm the sister.

Hi.

Um, I just wanted to say
a few words about Alice and Ed.

Um, one of the things you
should know about Alice and Ed

is that they luckily
have the same taste in music.

Just one of the many advantages

they have as a couple.

Having the same taste
in music is very, um,

is a wonderful thing,

because the sounds of
irritable bowel syndrome
can be deafening.

[chuckling]

Or it is spastic colon...
honey?

[laughs]

It's hard to say.
There's so many problems.

But, you know, if I could
crank my Led Zeppelin,

perhaps I wouldn't
have this problem.

But it's just Chopin,
Chopin, Chopin.

I'm telling you,
Chopin's nocturnes

just ain't
loud enough, sweetie.

- OK?
- [laughs]

So, I just wanted to say,

thank you all
for coming today.

Here's to Ed and Alice.

They are the happiest
couple I know.

And um... thank God,
I have more money than they do,

or I would really
fucking hate them.

- Cheers!
- [man] Cheers.

[woman] Cheers.

- [weak applause]
- [Claire clears throat]

[jazz music plays]

[chuckles]

- Oh!
- Oh, no!

- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, Claire.

This? This?

Do you have anything
a woman might wear?

Hilarious.

I never had the balls to wear
this. Give it a shot.

Can I pull this off?

[sighs] I've got a boner.

Eww.

[both chuckling]

Here, I want to fuck you.

[breathing heavily, grunting]

[laughs]

I don't think they
know each other.

- You're kidding me.
- Mm-mm.

I had a feeling my life sucked,
now I know it does. God!

[breathing heavily, grunting]

[Ed] Wow. Wow.

Wow! Right there
on Claire's bed, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Geez, that's the most action
that bed's seen in a long time.

Wow.

Do you think that we
have a hot sex life?

- Our sex life is very hot.
- Yeah?

Very, very hot.

I don't know what was
in those tamales.

I feel like a garlic clove
took a dump in my mouth.

Why don't we ever
do anything like that?

Just, you know, sneak off
into some empty room

or a bathroom at a party
and just do it?

Alice, before we have sex,

you have to double lock
the front door

and set the alarm.

[laughing]

No, I don't.

Just one lock.

[crickets chirping outside]

Do you feel good about being
with me the rest of your life?

Yeah, I wouldn't be here
if I didn't.

I just feel so boring.

I wish I had slept
with more people.

Oh, it's not as much fun
as you think.

You're not missing anything,
believe me.

Having sex with a bunch
of different people isn't fun?

[chuckles] It starts out as fun,

but it winds up being
a giant pain in the ass.

Casual sex, one-night stands.

You don't think I'd be
a more exciting person

if I'd had some of that?

What's going on?

I don't know, I just wish that
I'd had a little more history.

A few more experiences
so I wouldn't feel like

- I was missing out
on anything.
- Missing out on anything?

Wait, everyone always feels
like they want more.

It's normal to feel that way.

Especially right before
you get married, of course.

But I've only been with...
three guys.

- You said I was your fifth.
- Yeah, I know, but I lied.

What?

Yeah, Doug wasn't what he said.

Hey, hey!

You don't have a penis.

My name is not Doug, either.

[squeals]

Oh, my God. What was that?

A lesbian senior who liked
to prey on innocent freshmen.

Oh, that's so weird.

- I know.
- All right, all right.

What about that...

There's that guy in college

you said you had
a one-night stand with.

Yeah, it didn't really last
a whole night.

[breathing heavily]

Oh.
Why did you lie to me?

Because I just feel like
three guys is pathetic.

- I think that
you're very sexy.
- Really?

Really, and...

I think you're
really slutty.

- Mm.
- [chuckles]

I would like to have sex
right now.

Mm.

But I'm kind of tired.

Good, something I ate
disagreed with me.

So I'm gonna go to bed.

Last night when I was
changing my dress,

I saw you with that waiter.

You saw us?

Yes, on the bed having sex.
My sister and I were
in the closet.

- Watching?
- Yes.

What a turn-on.

[chuckles]

What's it like to do that
with a stranger?

Oh, it's fun.

But don't take my word for it,
you should try it.

[chuckles] I can't, I'm engaged.

You can still love Ed
and get a wet pussy

because you like the way some
guy's cock bulges in his pants.

[woman] OK, everyone.

Come to a comfortable
sitting position,

close your eyes, and begin
your Ujjayi Pranayama.

[breathing deeply]

We're still over.

Your cousins from Vermont,
can you guarantee me

if we invite them,
they won't show up?

[laughs]

I need to sleep
with other people.

Excuse me?

It wouldn't just be me
sleeping with other people,

you would get to, too.

[laughing] I don't want to.
I don't think I do...

You're honestly saying you
wouldn't want to sleep

- with anyone else?
- I like sleeping with you.

Well, and I like
sleeping with you,

but, come on, don't
you see other women

out there during the day

and think about what it would
be like to have sex with them?

I don't wanna talk...

Just answer. Wouldn't you
like a little fresh pussy?

What? What are you doing?

Yeah. Yes, is that
what you wanna hear?

- Yeah, well, I mean...
- I wanna have sex with half
the magazine covers here.

So then let's try it.

Just for a little while
and we can stop anytime.

How about we stop now?

How long are we going
to talk about this?

I don't want to!

I can't handle that,
and I know...

I know you can't
handle it. Yeah!

Ed. It can work. Ed!

If we can be mature
and honest and open,

- it can work.
- Are you...

It can work?

This may sound irrational
to you, Alice,

but I don't want you
sleeping with other men.

Ed, it's just sex. It doesn't
have to mean anything.

In fact the whole point
is that it's meaningless.

And it's not about love at all.

I know that I love you.

It's just something that
I need to get out of my system

and then, once we get
married, then that's it.
It's forever.

You're not gonna be jealous
when I go and have sex
with another woman?

- Mm-mm.
- You're not?

No, 'cause I know you love me,
so I can handle it.

You can handle it?
What about me?

I can't handle it.
The mental picture of you
having sex with some guy,

- I can't handle that, Alice.
- Yes, you can, Ed.

- I just told you I can't.
- Yes, you can.

- I can't.
- You can.

I can!

Listen...

We can't stop each other
from experiencing life.

And the thing is, sweetie,
we're in a rut.

How are we in a rut?

Because we haven't had sex
in almost three weeks,

and we haven't had sex in the
daytime in almost three years.

I see that, we're in
a little bit of a rut,

but that doesn't make us any
different from anybody else.

Well...

We don't have to be like
everyone else.

All right, so we always
use condoms,

and never in this house.
We don't bring anyone
into this house.

What about videos?
Can I make videos?

And we have to be completely
honest with each other

because we don't want
anyone coming between us.

Except the people we're
going to be having sex with?

Come on, it'll be an adventure.

An adventure?
Well, let's go skydiving.

Let's rob a bank.

OK, here's my list
of who's off limits.

- You made a list?
- Uh-huh.

You put your mother
on this list.

Yeah, I just wanted
to cover all the bases.

- Your mother?
- Yeah.

- Salma Hayek?
This is insane.
- You could meet her.

Claire saw her at Whole Foods
last week.

What are you talk...

This list is the work
of someone that cannot deal

with me having sex
with other people.

Look at all these.

Look at this.

You're right.
You're right.

- Uh, no lists.
- No lists?

No lists. No jealousy.
You know, I'd be impressed if
you had sex with Salma Hayek.

Oh, I'd be impressed if you
had sex with Salma Hayek.

I bet you would.

Now I'm just free to go out
into the world

and have sex with whoever
catches my eye?

- Yes, and so am I.
- I got that part.

OK. All right.

- I'm late for work, Alice.
- [laughs] OK.

- OK?
- So...

Good, I think this is gonna be
really good for us.

I'm glad you think so.

Salma Hayek?

[woman] Are you really gonna let
him sleep with anyone he wants?

[Alice] Mm-hmm.
I need to have some slut days.

How can I commit
to a life of monogamy

without ever having slut days?

Slut days are so unimportant
compared to what you
and Ed have.

And take it from someone who's
had lots of meaningless sex,

you just wind up feeling spent
and all fucked out.

Really?

Alice, you can't let your
fiancé sleep with other women.
You'll be jealous.

I don't think after five years,
I'm gonna feel jealous.

Just don't tell
anyone though, OK?

I won't tell anyone,

but this is the whitest
thing that I've ever heard.

You wanna know a secret?
It kind of turns me on.

That's because it doesn't
have a face

and a pair of double-Ds.

I'm not gonna feel threatened.

I doubt he's even
thinking of it.

I'm sure he's just going
through his day like always.

Mm-hmm.

[man] Oh, my God,
this script blows.

It's flat as a fucking pancake.

[man 2] We're not throwing out
the whole script. This is funny.

- It's not funny for a second.
- It's very funny.

- Can we order dinner?
- No.

- It's freakin' hysterical.
- Stop. Ed. Ed!

What?

You gonna pitch some jokes,
or what's going on?

He's drawing big titty
naked girls.

Let me see.

- [chuckles]
- Wow.

- Yeah.
- [chuckling]

So, why don't you just
have an affair?

No, that's what my parents did.

Sneaking around, lying...
Who wants that?

[man] Knock-knock.

- Who's that?
- That's Donald.

It's the contractor
that Tasha recommended.

He's cute.

Well, there's your guy.

- Go for it.
- What did you mean?

Yeah. [laughs]

I don't have to
worry about you,

because you don't have the guts
to go through with it.

We're doing zoysia here.

Three flats,
you think that's enough?

Oh, make it five.
There's a spot
on the side of the house

- I wanna use it for also.
- All right, five it is.

Uh... Hold on, this pen is done.
I'll get a new one.

Mm-hmm.

[takes deep breath, exhales]

What was...

What...

Are you trying to kiss me?

Yeah, it was sort of
an experiment.

OK, I'm open to
an experiment.

Now that I have a heads up,
I think we can do much better.

[humming]

Oh, honey,
that looks gorgeous.

Thank you.

Home grown,
except for the mushrooms.

Oh, you know what? They're
shooting my script this week,

and I wanted to tell you
because Marty wanted me...

- You look really pretty.
- I do?

- Yeah, you do.
- [chuckling] Thank you.

You have a glow.

Well, I made out
with someone today.

- What?
- [laughs] I made out someone.

You made out with someone,
like you made out...

- Made out.
- Made out, made out.

[laughs]

Well, you don't waste
any time, Alice, did you?

The opportunity just
sort of presented itself.

You had someone lined up.

- Oh, my...
- No. No, I didn't.

You didn't? You...
Oh, my God! I'm so stupid!

What?

You trick me into this
bullshit arrangement

because you had some
guy lined up.

No, Ed, I didn't.
I met this guy today.

- For the first time.
- Today?

- Yes.
- Who?

The contractor from
the Kelner job.

Would you like to hear
about what happened?

What?

Do you wanna hear
about what happened?

I don't know.
I don't know!

This is so fucking
weird, Alice.

Sure.

OK, well, I did something
that I always wanted to do.

I was aggressive.

And before I knew it,
I was totally kissing this guy.

And I felt really sexy.

It was... It was hot.

You liked it?

[chuckling] Mm-mm.
I did.

[grunting, panting]

[sighs]

I told you this would work.

Remember, you're allowed
to do it, too.

[groans] I accept.

[Ed] I don't wanna give you
too many details,

but let me just say last night
was ridiculous.

I haven't had sex like that,
ever, ever in my life!

- Ever!
- [laughing] I love it!

I got a fucking hard on
right now.

Stop. Ew!

- I think it's crazy.
- Carl, give it a rest.

He's obviously not giving
Alice what she wants,

and if he gets to benefit
from that, then let him.

What did you mean I'm not
giving Alice what she wants?

I'm on your side, all right.

All I'm saying is the reality
of the situation is

you're making a ton of dough,

you're surrounded by all these
actresses with huge, fake tits,

I say enjoy the river of snatch
that flows to your cock.

This is the advice that
you give to your friend

when he's about to marry
the woman that he loves?

You are doomed.
Enjoy your lonely death, man.

I don't see anybody
sucking your cock, Carl.

You think maybe I'm inadequate?

So you're inadequate,
who cares? Use it.

Don't listen to him, Ed,
he doesn't have human feelings.

It's just Alice never
said anything

about me being inadequate.

Yeah, your mate usually doesn't
bring that up.

They come up with shit
like seeing other people

to make your sex life better.

You don't have to see
other people

to make your sex life better.

Rent a porno. Buy some
new sheets. Something.

Non-monogamy is man's
natural state.

God created us
to want to fuck around.

- [cell phone ringing]
- I say go with God.

What does she want?
Yeah, hello?

You know where that is?
Because he needs to be walked
more than once a fucking day.

OK, he's a dog not a toy.

Soon he's gonna have a fatter
ass than you.

Yep. You know what...

Right back...

Yeah, I'm still here.
I'm in the fucking
studio, OK? I'm working.

Look at the rack on that.

The fact of the matter is
B's depressed,

and I blame you for that.

The dog needs structure.
He needs structure.

He can't just go to
a fucking shrink like you

and pay $200 a week to get
some little fucking green pill

to make him happy. All right?

I don't know how they can make
postal worker outfits in hot.

- [chuckles]
- Did I just say that?

That was so lame, I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.

- Aren't you engaged?
- Correct.

And yet you're
flirting with me.

That's so unusual in Hollywood,
I know.

[chuckles]

Yeah, but I've been
on the show three times now,

and you've never flirted
with me before,

or even talked to me.

Well, I'm busy.
I'm really busy.

Because you know,
I write the show

and then I'm writing
this movie now.

- Oh.
- I should talk to you about it.

But, you know, my fiancée
came up with this idea

that we should see other
people until we get married,

and she already made out
with this guy.

Ouch.

Yeah, it's completely like...

bananas but...

my agent, Lou...
Did you ever meet Lou?

- Mm-mm.
- I should introduce you to Lou.

He's producing this movie, too.

He said that maybe she
came up with this idea

because I'm inadequate,
and I don't please her.

Which is, trust me,
completely ridiculous.

But ever since he said that
maybe I'm inadequate, I can't
get that out of my head.

- Mm.
- You know?

Strange.

This is horrible.
This has never happened before.

I always get a hard on.
Always.

I guess I'm...
I haven't had sex with anyone
except my fiancé in so long,

I'm probably just nervous.

This is...

I'm just nervous.

I think I know
why your fiancée

thinks you're inadequate.

I just said this has
never happened before.

Oh, I know, I know.

I just don't believe you.

Maybe you're gay.

- Hey.
- Hey, how was the...

[kissing]

...taping?
I guess it was good, huh?

I'm just glad to be home
with you.

Feel these sheets. I got them
today, 250-thread count.

I think I like them better
than the 353 count.

Oh, they're great sheets.

Oh! Um...

[chuckling]

[Alice] Donald,
this is a really nice place.

Do you rent or own?

[Donald] Listen,
if you don't want to do this,
it's totally fine.

Do I seem like I don't want
to do this? I do.

- You just seem a little tense.
- No, I'm not tense, OK?

Where's the bathroom?
Great.

You can do it.
You just have to be wild, OK?

Just be wild.
Please be wild.

Just going to be totally wild.

Wild. Uh-huh. Wild.

[Donald] Hey, Alice, wait.

[chuckles] You forgot these.

- Thank you.
- Oh...

I really wish I hadn't
worn those.

- I need to see you again.
- OK, I'll call you.

- Can I cook you dinner?
- Sure.

Awesome.

Great.

Bye!

Uh, I can't believe
you had a nooner.

Believe it.

And he wants to make dinner
for me.

Ugh, what a cheeseball.

You should see his arms.

[laughing] And I don't even
know his last name.

OK, great, Alice.

But I don't know why
I'm busting my ass

picking out
bridesmaids' dresses for you.

It sounds like
the wedding is off.

For your information,

Ed and I have been having the
best sex we've had in years.

Really?

Alice told Ed that
she wants to
fuck other people

before they get married.

- No.
- Yeah.

No, Alice?
This was Alice's idea?

- I know.
- It can't be.

She's too good and sweet and...

Yeah, I guess good,
sweet little Alice

wants to be dirty,
bad little Alice.

My God, I can't believe that.

Why does it bother you?
What do you care?

Of course I care.
Of course I care.

I mean, my God,
what is she thinking?

People can't have everything.

I mean, what, is she just
going to sleep with whoever?

- Whoever comes down the pike?
- I guess.

Goddamn, that's ridiculous.

It's fucking ridiculous!

[door slams]

Jesus Christ!

I made this for you, Peter.
It's all organic.

I grew it in my garden
just for you.

I want you to eat it off
my tits and then do me.

[Peter] Alice, oh, Alice.

Alice, Alice, Alice.

- Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi. Traffic.

- Jeez!
- [laughs]

- You're in a good mood.
- I am, I am.

I had a really interesting
day today.

What happened?

Well, I had lunch with Donald.

You know, the contractor?

And we...
[laughing] had meaningless sex.

Ed, I did it.
I finally did it.

Are you OK?

Yeah... yeah.

Because this is what
we were doing, right?

Right. I just...

I don't think I thought
it would really happen.

Well...
you know I love you.

Yeah, I'm really feeling it.

[keys jingling]

You know, Alice is
all sexed up and turned on,

and that's great, you know?

It's really,
really loosened her up.

But I'm not going
to sit at home

while she's out getting
loosened up!

I'm going to get
loosened up too!

I'm getting loosened up.

I couldn't get
an erection, Carl.

Do you know what that means?
I could not get an erection.

I'm not going out that way.

Are you sure you're
in the mood for a party?

I'm in the mood.

It's really great
to see you tonight.

Where's Alice?

You look fantastic.

Did you and Alice
come separately?

What do you say later we go
someplace quiet alone.

Are we meeting Alice?

You goth types,
I didn't know you drank beer.

I thought it was more like
bat's milk and blood.

[laughs]

Oh, that was lame.

You're gonna walk away,
aren't ya?

Hey, I work in television.

[giggling]

Are you sure Larry's OK
with us being in his bedroom?

No, no. He's fine with it.

[retches]

So that's it? We're only
staying 20 minutes?

I used to get women, Carl.
You remember?

I got women all the time.

But now, nothing.

Who cares about these
other women?

You've got Alice.

I care.
I really care

I care because I can't get them.

I'm a hunter, I want to know
that if I go out on the hunt

that I can,
you know, return
with some fucking meat!

I want meat.
Meat for the whole village.

I'm sorry.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

No, I've been
thinking about it.

Maybe we should just
forget this whole plan.

No, no, no!
No, no, no...

What did you mean?

You... you're right,
this is not good for us.

You've been gone
for almost two hours.

Well, I've been driving around.
You know, thinking... a lot.

Why should I have
a problem with this?

Because I know you love me.

But you're not into it.

I mean, you haven't even tried
to sleep with anyone.

I know.
I've been really busy.

So preoccupied with work.

I can try to get into it.

For us, for you...

No, no, no...

You were right,
I've been stupid.

No one said it
was gonna be easy on us.

Let's try it.

Until when?

I don't know, until...
until you think you're ready.

Until you've had the
experience that you need.

OK?

- You're getting it this time.
- Bring it on.

- Oh, bring it on, huh?
- Yeah, bring it on!

So you had sex with the actress
who plays the postal worker.

- You're hurt?
- No, I don't know
if I'm hurt,

I'm... intrigued.

So, how did it happen?

- The sex?
- The whole thing.

The sex to... talking
to her into the sex.

Yeah. I want to know what
the dynamic was like.

Did you know you were
gonna have sex with her

from the second you saw her?

I don't know.

- Come on, Ed, tell me.
- I don't know.

- Come on, just tell me.
- I don't know.

I feel like we're turning
into weird perverts.

No, it's not perverted,
it's interesting.

I'm curious.

You know, five days ago,
I felt like I hadn't

had any life experiences,

and if I had been diagnosed
with cancer,

I would've felt like
I hadn't lived.

Did you just compare marrying me
to being diagnosed with cancer?

No, I'm just saying that we
need to get rid of our hang-ups.

So I want to know the details.

But, first...

I want to have sex.

[up-tempo music playing]

Claire wanted to go
shopping today.

Is that all right? I know we
talked about going to LACMA.

No, it's fine, actually.

I'm... I'm gonna help Carl
with some lyrics.

- He's got a new song.
- Mm.

- I'm going to his house.
- OK.

[up-tempo music continues]

...writers on the staff
who won't laugh

unless it's their name
on the script.

But we can talk
about this later.

I'm losing you a little bit.
Uh-huh.

Lou, Venita.
You know Claire.

- Yes, we've met.
- Strong grip there, honey.

Let me call you back.

OK, so, Carl,
what's this all about?

Yeah, what's the
huge emergency?

We think that we should have an
intervention for Ed and Alice.

- [blows air through lips]
- [laughs]

An intervention?

Why? Because they're
having too much fun?
Stop!

They think they're having fun.

They don't really
see what's happening.

And they're drifting apart.

Yeah, they spend all their
time with other people.

Carl, you know,
you really need to relax.

Ed says it's working.

Ed is becoming a sex addict.

And Alice,
she spends all her time

with the contractor
from the Kelner job.

I feel for them. I do.

Boo-hoo. My contractor has
a big dick and he uses it.

[laughs]

Nice laugh.
Really.

We are not going to stand by
and watch

as two people that we care
about destroy something great.

That's right.

Their relationship
is meant to last.

It's... it's a rock.

That's right.

Sweetie, I don't mean
to be an asshole,

but really, aren't they doing
what we all wish we could do?

Yes!

- No!
- No!

I say yes.

I don't know about you, they're
having a fuck-a-thon over there.

Sounds like it beats
couples' therapy.

Sure as hell is cheaper.

- [snorts]
- [laughing]

Nice laugh, really.

Can I go now, Carl?

[man] What kind of music
you like?

Do you like Mariah Carey?

Country?
Reba McEntire?
That kind of thing?

I peg you as a Reba
McEntire fan, am I wrong?

OK, let's not even
worry about that.

This is a good stereo,
but that's all.

Now, I think I'd like
to move you up in something

which is a little bit
more expensive,

but gives you
a much fuller dynamic,

you know, highs and lows.

How much is the next step up?

Listen to me, for $150,

Mariah Carey's gonna sound...

You're not gonna believe it.

If you really wanna hear Mariah
blasting those things,
that thing that she does,

you gotta go up here.
You're gonna get...

You'll get a bunch of useless
knobs you'll never use.

What kind of room do you see
this being played in?

In a dining room, or living room
or bedroom, bathroom, kitchen...

What do you see?

What does that have to do
with anything?

You know, I just, I...

I don't think I need
such an expensive stereo.

- I'm just...
- Of course you don't.

You want something simple.

You turn it on,
you press play, right?

Exactly.

OK, what do you want to hear?

Oh. Jake, what
do you want to hear?

Um, something pretty?

[mouthing]

[soft-tempo music playing]

Oh, my.
That sounds so beautiful.

Isn't that great, Jake?

Yeah, buddy, now you
can crank your Ludacris,

drive your mom crazy, huh?

That's not the way you're
supposed to behave

in front of guests!

Do you want something to drink?

Milk.

I have that.

Oh, he's...

He's having a hard time
with the divorce.

Of course, he blames me.

Well, do you have to
hang these pictures up?

Don't you think they kind of...
bring morale down a bit?

Yes.
[takes deep breath, exhales]

But I'm trying to be accepting
of his feelings.

You seem like a real good mom.

Oh, thanks.

- Mr. Ed.
- Johnny.

- Nice to see you.
- How are you?

Very well.

- They know you.
- I come here all the time.

[chuckles]

You know what,
this isn't going to work.

You don't want
to sit by your wife?

- I, uh...
- No, it's fine.

Stay at this table, it's fine.

- Really?
- Yeah, we're adults.

Ed, Donald.
Donald, Ed.

How's it going?

- I'll just go ahead...
- No, no, no, no...

It's OK, John.
Thank you.

It's two. It's nice...

- Just, can I have a...
- Yeah...

Ah, Lauren, Alice, Donald.

Hi, Lauren.

You're his fiancée?

- This is too weird.
- It's crazy.

You know, you should try
the lobster risotto.

- I don't want it.
- If I get it, will you try it?

- No.
- Not even one bite?

She doesn't like
shellfish, Donald.

I just think she could
be a little more adventurous.

Not that she isn't
extremely adventurous.

What's that suppose to mean?

- This is too weird.
- I know, it's OK.

I promise you, it's OK.

What's that supposed to mean?

It just means the
lobster risotto's fantastic.

She doesn't like it.

Are you sure?

Excuse me. I got to go
to the bathroom.

Be right back.

This is so weird.

It's fine.
Can we get some bread?

You want some bread?
Bread's good.

What's he mean?
She's adventurous?

- It was a stupid comment.
- I agree.

What the hell are you two doing
that he knows you're
adventurous now?

Nothing, it was
a stupid comment.

How many nights a week do
you see this guy, Alice?

You brought her.

But this doesn't mean anything.

Excuse me?

You know, I told you my
entire situation before.

Please, this is my fiancée.

[scoffs] I'm not playing
your weird games!

Bye!

And I'm not going to seat here
and be humiliated

in my favorite restaurant
where they know my name.

Your favorite restaurant?
It's my favorite restaurant!

I found it in the Zagat
and you had to bring him!

You brought her!

Because I didn't think
you'd bring him!

Thank you, sir.

Donald, excuse me. I just need
to go ask Ed something.

Gotcha.

How many women
have you slept with?

- Five.
- Five?

You're mad at me and you're
talking five women.

I'm doing what we're
suppose be doing, Alice.

You said we should see
other people.

You're seeing other person.

You're having a
goddamn relationship.

Don't you think I wanna
be sleeping with other people?

Instead, you are sleeping
with other people,

and you've already slept
with enough people.

[horn honking]

[Ed] I don't even know
what that means.

- It's not my fault!
- Yeah, it is, kinda.

Because it's really impossible
to sleep with other people
when we're living together.

You know, it makes things
really difficult.

Oh, my God! I'm really
sorry about that, Alice!

Is there anything else
I can do to make your
life more accommodable?

Maybe I can blow my
fucking brains out!

Where is my car?

You're being ridiculous.

Hmm.

Just for a little while,
sweetie,

and it will make our wedding
night that much more exciting.

How'd we get there,
Alice, OK?

Because although I may not
be in direct touch

with the feeling right now,

I know that I love you.

And I love you, too.

I'll call you later!

[dog barking]

It's gonna be
a lot easier to get laid

without Alice looking over
my shoulder all the time.

That's what I'm talking about.
Come on, step in, step in.

Poppy's got an eye infection,
and I don't want her to get out.

Whoa! It's OK, girl. It's OK.

- It's 37 inches.
- OK.

So now Donald calls me
15 times a day,

and anytime
I'm on the computer,

he sends me
an instant message.

I thought the whole point

was for you to have sex
with several different people,

- not just Donald.
- Yes, it was. It was.

I don't know.

I don't think you can have sex
with lots of people at once.

Maybe you could only
have sex with one person.

It was Ed,
now it's Donald.

But I have to make it
into the double digits.

This is my last chance
to be a slut.

[Donald] Knock-knock.

- Hi, Donald.
- Hi, Donald.

What are you doing here?

I just wanted to stop by
and say hi.

Nice. OK, I'll go away.

Donald, it's really not
a good time right now.

So you don't want to
hang out?

Not really.

Well, I was just in
the neighborhood,

so I thought I'd
come by and say hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

You know, I've got this great
bottle of cab at home,

and some salmon steaks,
maybe go grill them up?

No, no...

You look really cute today.

Donald, please.

Are you sure?
I can make a great...

- Yeah. No, I'm pretty sure.
- ...guacamole?

- Fresh avocados.
- Donald.

You get those jeans
at the Gap?

Donald!

[mouths]

[meowing]

[sniffs, clears throat]

You OK, Lou?

Yeah, just my allergies
are killing me.

What are you allergic to,
pollen?

No, cats.

[meowing]

Cats?

Yeah. It's OK. It's OK.

- You're allergic to cats?
- Yep.

Maybe you're not
the type of guy

that shoulda went out
and bought all these cats.

[chuckles]

I love these cats!

It's not their fault.

It's not their fault
I'm allergic to them.

What's the matter with you?

Take it easy,
don't go crazy on me.

Oh, crazy.

These cats didn't kick me
out of the house

so they could have sex
with other cats, did they?

She did not kick me
out of the house, Lou.

Fine, whatever.
She politely asked you to leave

so she could go get banged
by some strangers.

[sniffs]

Ed, what are you doing
here? You scared me.

- I knew it!
- What are you doing?

- What are you doing?
- I knew it.

I get the granny panties,

the ones with the period stains
and the broken elastic,

- but not Donald!
- Stop it!

Donald gets lace!

You never bought
this stuff for me, Alice!

You can't come here
and do this, please.

You know what?
Give me the ones you're wearing!

What?

Give me the ones
you're wearing right now!

- Give them to me.
- I'm not wearing any.

What?

Why wouldn't you wear
any underpants?

I wanted to see
if it felt sexy.

Yeah? Does it?

Yeah, it does.

Sexy.

I miss you, Alice.

I miss you, too.

- Really?
- Yeah, I miss you.

[laughing]

Can we invite Donald
to our wedding?

That's not funny,
of course not!

It's funny!

Can we stop this?
This is stupid!

I've been living at Lou's
house for three weeks.

Three weeks! Everyone we
know thinks we're crazy!

You wanna know why?
Because we're
fucking crazy doing this!

[phone ringing]

Hey, Alice,
you weren't answering yourself.

It's Donald.

Sitting here feeling kinda low,
got a glass of white zin.

- Thinking about you.
- [slow music playing]

He's listening
to girl music,
this guy.

This guy... This is how
you sow your wild oats?

Ed.

- Ed, don't...
- It's OK. It's all right.

Hey, Donald, buddy,
I'm here for you. It's Ed.

Ed, Alice's fiancé.

The guy she just got done
having hot sex with.

He doesn't wanna talk to me?

Donald, it's not really
a good time, OK?

See, Ed, this is exactly
why we can't stop right now,

because I've only slept
with Donald,

and I can't only sleep
with Donald.

I need to get away from Donald
so that I can be wild.

If you can just...
a little bit, Ed.

Come on, it's easy for you,

you've had lots of
meaningless sex.

Yeah, that's the whole point.

It's meaningless.

I can't stand it,
it's so meaningless.

[sighs]

Donald?

Are you crying, Donald?

[dog barking]

- Hey.
- Hey.

[snarling]

[chuckles]

[meowing]

[cat meowing]

Whiskers! Get out!

- Hey, man.
- What's up?

I just found this
under the bed.

Rebecca's favorite pair
of shoes.

[chuckles]

She said she liked the
way it made her ass look.

I'll never forget
the look on her face

when Buster chewed these up
and then she hit the roof.

[cat meowing, dog barking]

[crying] I really thought
we had something, Ed.

I thought she was the one, man.

[crying]

Hey... Come on, man.

Lou.

Lou, come on, buddy.

You dumped
hundreds of girls, man.

Lou! You've dumped so many
girls, it's unbelievable.

So one dumped you,
what's the big deal, right?

Come on, man.
What's the big deal?

Yeah, I guess you're right.
Who gives a shit?

Let's go get some
fucking breakfast.

Pigs in a blanket
and hash browns for me.

Isn't this a great way
to start the day?

Here you go.
Are you guys ready to order?

That was not squeezed
on the small machine,

I specifically asked for juice
squeezed on the small machine.

- It was...
- Hey!

I need juice to start my day,

and I need it squeezed fresh.

That means right now
on the small machine.

It doesn't come from a bottle,

it doesn't come from a can,

it doesn't come from
a container.

It comes from
fucking fruit,

the little orange thing
in the kitchen?

- Lou, what's the big deal?
- It is a big deal!

All right. The sour one's
gonna fuck up my stomach.

In fact, can you get it out of
my sight please,

and give me what I asked for?

I'm gonna keep mine.
It's excellent.

I'm really sorry he
yelled at you like that.

It's OK. We get a lot of
Hollywood assholes in here.

I hate when I let them
get to me.

Right.

You seem sad.

I seem sad?
You're the one
that's crying.

No, I mean really sad.

- I'm Sandy.
- Hi, Sandy, I'm Ed.

Hi.

[boy] Mom, I want more
pancakes!

Are you sure you want
more pancakes? You've had ten.

I'm hungry.

I'm not making you more
unless you're gonna eat more.

I'm still hungry.

Fine.

Actually, I'm full.

- I cracked the egg!
- I'm full!

Do you think
that I'm your slave,

that I exist
to waste food on you!

Hey, I'll eat the egg.

You know what?
No more seconds.

No more seconds anymore
for the rest of your life

for the rest of the time
that you live in this house!

Do you un... Oh, I'm so sorry,
honey. Come here.

I'm sorry. Oh, man! I'm sorry.

I don't mean to lose
my temper.

Jake, Carl, do you please
accept my apology?

[door slams]

Your mom's having
a tough time.

Maybe that's because
you wrestle her every night.

I'm gonna go make that egg.

I can't believe
she wants to get rid of

these mature plantings.

I mean they're so beautiful.

She wants to devalue the house
for the divorce settlement.

Yeah, but then the plants
are caught in the middle.

I know.

It's Donald.
I don't believe this.

He is so needy.
It's suffocating.

- Donald.
- Alice.

Hi, are you...

I didn't know you
were working here.

So I guess this
is just a coincidence?

It's, uh...

Donny, right on time!

I have something for you,
and I know you're gonna like it.

[chuckling]

We'll talk later.

Guess he's a little needier
than you thought.

[Alice] You're seeing three
other women besides me?

Look, I love women,

and Elise is going through
a very difficult time right now.

She's... a very sexy woman,
but she's feeling undesirable.

- I can't believe this.
- Hey, you're engaged.

Yes, and you know I'm engaged.

I didn't know that you're
seeing other people.

I didn't think you'd care.
You never even
stay over my house.

Can't you get one of these other
women to stay over your house?

Sometimes, but...

I don't like sleeping
alone at night.

Oh, my God.
You are so needy!

And for some reason,
I'm feeling jealous.

I mean this is absolutely crazy.
I don't even like you,
and I'm feeling jealous.

Really? You're jealous?

I'm suppose to be out
having adventures,

but now I'm stuck
with this guy who bugs me

and is sneaking around
behind my back.

Look, if you're asking
for a commitment...

- What?
- I don't know if I'm ready.

I'm not asking
for commitment, Donald,

I am breaking up with you, OK?

I'm breaking up with
whatever this is that we have.

Don't do this to me!

[cars racing over TV]

Yes. Oh.

Can I ask you something without
you taking it the wrong way?

I hope so.

Isn't it kind of strange

what you and your fiancée
are doing?

Come on, anything else.
I don't wanna talk about that.

- Come on.
- Shoot.

But you are getting married.

November third.

Does that bother you?

No.

Yay!

Yes!

I'm sorry, but somebody had to
take you out of your misery.

Oh.

You're doing it.

OK, let's go again.

[cars racing]

[door shuts]

[Carl] Hey.

I gotta start making this cake

if we're gonna have it
by dessert.

Some old lady said
it was really cute

that I was buying
cake flour.

It's from Jake.

"Dear Penelope,

I am sorry to say I cannot
spend Jake's birthday with you.

I've met someone else
and am head over heels
in love with her.

Sincerely, Carl."

That's hilarious.

It would be if it
weren't so sad.

I just...

I think it's a bad idea for us

to be seeing each other
every night.

But I love you.

You do?

[sighs] I love you, too.

Jake, can I talk to you?

I saw that note that you wrote.

My mom showed it to you?

Your mom is sad
because you don't like me.

I understand
why you don't like me.

I was a little older than you
when my parents got divorced.

- For good?
- For good?

Yeah, they got divorced
for good.

Because people sometimes
get back together.

Not usually.
Pretty much never.

When my parents split up,
I went into my room,

and I tried to learn
everything I could
about baseball.

I memorized
the baseball encyclopedia.

- No way.
- Yes way.

How many consecutive games
did Cal Ripken, Jr. play?

- 2,632.
- That's easy.

Who hit the most home runs
in the Federal League?

Uh, Dutch Zwilling, 33.

You know about
the Federal League?

[Jake] He knows everything.

Who has the longest hit
streak over two seasons?

Let's see,
that would be George Sisler,

September 3, 1924
to April 28, 1925.

Thirty-five games.

Wrong.

What?

- Come on, let me...
- OK, OK. It was right.

- [laughs]
- You almost got me there.

'Cause I thought it could've
been Albert Drewsher.

- Who's that?
- He's another guy.

You know, Ed and I barely
talked for the last six weeks,

and it's weird, I'm kind
of scared to call him now.

- I'm having an affair.
- What?

- What? You're one to talk.
- A secret affair?

Right. The usual kind.

- With who?
- No one you know.

- It's fabulous.
- What's fabulous?

These tomatoes that
Alice grew in her garden.

They're called sweet 100s,
you should try one.

Mm.

Oh.

Mm, mm.
My God, you're right.

Jesus, it's just a tomato.

Do you know the water's perfect.
I recommend a swim.

Mm, that is just what I need.

- Can I borrow a suit?
- Yeah.

OK.

No, thank you.

[humming]

Peter. [chuckles]
What...

- Please, please.
- What?

I want you so badly.

I can't do this to Claire.
No, Peter! Peter!

[laughing] Claire doesn't care!

Oh, Alice, be the bad girl.

- Be the bad gal with me.
- No, Peter. No.

Shit.

Sandy's got a friend
from college,

they wanna have
a three-way with me.

- You're kidding, when?
- This weekend.

She's totally hot, too.
I saw a picture of her.

She's an erotic artist
or something.

Buddy, nice! Your life just gets
better and better, doesn't it?

[phone ringing]

Hello? Alice.

What are you doing?

I'm at Lou's.
Are you OK?

I'm on my way, yeah.

I'm sorry.
I have to go.

[meows]

- Don't let the cats out.
- [glass shatters]

- [Ed] Oh!
- [Alice] Yeah.

I always knew Peter
had a thing for you.

I knew it.

I'm so creeped out.
I didn't lead him on.

I know you didn't.
You're just being yourself.

He's... Ugh, what a creep.

You know what, Ed?
I wanna stop this now.

I want you to come home.

- Now?
- Yeah.

I thought the deal was

we see other people
until we get married?

I know, and...

I guess I thought we could
have sex with other people

and maintain our relationship,

but I mean, there just isn't
enough time in the day,

there's not enough
emotional space.

It's ridiculous.

I think we should stick to
the original agreement, sweetie.

Well, I'm really worried
about what's happening with us.

What's happening with us?
We're fine.

How often do we sit on the
couch together, this is nice.

You're seeing someone.

I'm seeing other people,
that's what you wanted to do.

It was your idea
that we see other people.

- That's what I'm doing.
- Right, now I wanna stop.

Well, I don't think
it's fair that you

tell me to stop
just because things didn't
work out with you and Donald.

- So what's her name, Ed?
- Who?

- Your girlfriend.
- My girlfriend?

What's her name?

Sandy, and she's not
my girlfriend at all.

That's what I
like about it, Alice.

Well, I'm telling you that
we need to stop this now!

I don't think it's fair at all,

that you get to stop
and start everything

whenever you want to.
Do you?

- So leave!
- Leave?

Yes, get out!

No! I'm not leaving.

Why are you still sitting here

when you could be having fun
with Sandy?

I don't...
I don't know why
I'm here either,

because I'd rather be
with Sandy.

[chuckles] Great.

[sniffles]

Ow!

[tool box opening]

[grunts]

Do you wanna go spy on Ed
and his new girlfriend with me?

Hell, yeah.

I just want
an objective opinion.

Did it come out yet?

No!

That is one ugly shirt.

Oh, yeah.
The kid made it for me.

I washed it,
but it still bleeds.

[laughs]

Hey, I got some good news.

Penelope's pregnant.
We're getting married.

- Oh, my God! Wow! Nice!
- Thanks.

- Wow! How pregnant is she?
- Eighteen days.

It's still not coming.

Eighteen days,
that's not very pregnant.

Well, it's pregnant
enough for us.

Oh, yeah. Of course.

I can't believe you're gonna
have a kid before I am.

Well, get on the band wagon.

You know, Sandy's nice,
but she's no Alice.

What you and Alice had
was really good.

I think you're getting greedy.

Sandy's got a friend
from college.

Tonight, we're gonna
have a three-way.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh, look at this!
Get in the clown's mouth!

Oh, man, you can't
compete with that.

He's back in college.

She doesn't want promises,
she doesn't want answers.

She just wants to eat,
sleep and fuck.

You are stoned.

Yes, but I have
stoner clarity.

Let's get out of here.

I'll get the car,
you return the clubs.

Alice, what are
you doing here?

- You still love me, right?
- Of course he does.

I'm talking to Ed!

Or do you just wanna eat,
sleep and fuck?

She said "fuck."

Come on, sweetie,
let's go play...

- One second, Mom.
- Alice, you gotta settle down.

Don't... Don't tell me
to settle down.

Don't touch me, you asshole!

Wow! Looks like somebody
couldn't handle

seeing other people after all!

- Don't push me, Ed, OK?
- Don't push you?
- No, Ed! Don't!

You're gonna hit me with
a golf club, that's so un-Alice.

- Stop it, Ed!
- What're you gonna do, hit me?

- Stop it! Stop it!
- Ow! Fuck!

They both said "fuck."

Come on, let's get
some ice cream, I'll buy.

Can I have cappuccino?

You can have whatever you want.

It was nice seeing you,
Alice.

I can't take this anymore.

If you don't stop now,
it's over.

Honestly, Alice,

I don't even know
how I feel anymore.

I don't know.

[crying] You don't wanna
be with me anymore?

I don't... I don't...

What?

Are we... Do you not...

- I don't know.
- Do you not want to be with me?

I don't know. I think...

Are we... Are we breaking up?

I think we already had.

[sobbing]

[Claire] God, it's so ironic!

You and Ed were so happy,

and you completely
destroyed it.

You know, Peter and I can
barely stand each other,

and our thing just keeps
dragging on and on.

It's so ironic.

[laughs] You never even
got to be a bad girl.

You never even got to
number five.

Oh, sweetie, honey...

I'll take you home.

First I have to stop
at the bank.

Five years I was with her!

Five years! I was gonna
marry that loon!

And then she attacks me
with a golf club in the arm

in front of freaking children,
no less!

You know, maybe tonight
isn't a good night

for the three-way
with Miranda.

Oh, I disagree.
I think it'll be OK,
I really do.

- Are you sure?
- Was I shouting?

- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.

[bubbling]

So how do you guys
know each other from?

We went to Harvard together.

You went to Harvard?

Yeah.

- You're a writer?
- Sort of... television.

You know David Gelman?

Yeah, I know David.

[door bell rings]

Hi.

I rented this car
so no one would see us.

Oh!

- Let's fuck.
- Yeah, let's.

- What's that?
- What do you think?

I mean, I know what it is.

But what do you plan on
doing with it? Jack off?

No, while you're fucking Sandy,
I'll be fucking you.

[Sandy laughs]

No, no, no!

No, no, no!
No, no!

You're not sticking that
in my ass, no way! No!

But it's OK if you
stick your dick up my ass?

What are you talking about?

That's five times the size of
any cock I've ever seen.

I thought you said
he had an open mind.

He does, come on.

Open enough to screw
around on his fiancée,

but not open enough for a true
exploration of sexuality.

I don't see how you
putting a dildo in my ass

is a true exploration
of my sexuality.

You're so goddam suburban.

As soon as sex stops looking
like a porn video,

you recoil and hide
behind centuries of
missionary position dogma.

What are you talking about?
What is she talking about?

I'm trying to redefine
the psycho-sexual dynamic

that exists only to shore up
a crumbling gender identity.

If you just wanna fuck,
then get someone else.

We're gonna get someone else.

[Miranda] Fucking asshole!

Wow! That was a boner killer.

Yeah, she was like that
at school, too.

Really? Now what?

Let's get a burger.

Do you know...
Do you know any other girls?

There was a salad you once made.
I don't know what was in it,

I think it was an herb mix.

Let's go home.
I think I'm gonna throw up.

Oh.

Have you ever smoked crack?

No... no.

I think tonight would be a good
night to smoke some crack.

- Together?
- Mm-hmm, yeah.

[Sandy] How do you open
the pen on this thing?

[Ed] Here, I'll do it, OK?

Please. Do you know
where you're going?

Yeah.

How often you smoke crack?

Not that often.
Not every day.

You know what?
I changed my mind.

I don't wanna do this anymore.

Come on, Ed, it's no big deal.
It'll be fun.

How often do you smoke crack?

Miranda was right about you.
You're a fucking square!

I'm a fucking square?

I'm starting to think
you're a fucking crackhead!

What's the big deal?
Drugs should be legal anyway!

[crying]

I thought you were different.
I thought you would understand.

Understand what? What?

[urinating]

[crying]

- What's to understand?
- I'm sick of it!

I am sick of all these
bullshit expectations

people put on me!

My sister is such a cunt!
[cries]

Get your bitch
under control, dude.

Hey!

Hey, let's go home, please.

I wanna have some fun.

[kissing, breathing heavily]

Do you want to put on a condom?

I think it would be hot.

- If that's what you want.
- Yes.

Damn it, hold...

- That's OK, I'll...
- No, it's OK. I got it.

It's just... [chuckles]

- Really, forget about it.
- Peter! I'm opening it!

- OK. OK.
- Yeah, I've got it.

Just...

Oh, shit!

[sighs] You know what...

As hard as I try to be a used-up
watery piece of meat,

it just doesn't work.
I'm a relationship person.

How about a blow job?

Oh, crap.

- Claire's here. You gotta go!
- What?

Claire's here, right outside.
Go! Go!

[yelps] Oh, Lord! Oh, Lord!

Oh, Lord!

She's gonna divorce me
and take all the money!

No. No, no.

Oh, goddamn. Shit!

Go!

Don't let my hard on
scare you.

He's your friend.

There he is.

- Where the fuck you've been?
- Relax, Ricky.

- Who the fuck is this?
- You have any rock?

You're real piece of work,
you know that?

I've been fucking trying
to call you all week.

I've been busy.

You ever heard of
this thing called a phone?

That's why I bought
the fucking thing for you.

Your crack dealer bought
you a phone?

I'm not a crack dealer,
asshole.

- I'm her fucking boyfriend.
- Shut up, Ricky!

At least I am when you want
to get fucking high!

Do you have any rock,
yes or no?

I got rock, yeah.

But you ain't getting
a fucking crumb.

Fucking crazy bitch!

Hey, look,
I'll pay for the crack.

Oh, I'm gonna beat your ass,
you little bitch.

- Come on!
- Oh!

Goddamn golf club!

[up-tempo music playing]

- [screams]
- Get in!

Goddamn it!

[engine starts]

Jesus!

[tires squeal]

Are you out of your
fucking mind?

Look at all this crack.
This is so much rock!

I don't want any fucking rock!

Let's go to the bedroom
and fuck. Come on.

- [Claire] You wanna go to bed?
- Yeah.

Why don't you fuck me
on that table right there?

Tables are good.

Ooh, you dirty little thing.

Come on. I'll fuck you
on that table.

You ready for it?

[Claire] Give it to me
on the table.

Get them out.

- Stop it!
- [screams]

Jesus fucking Christ!

[stammering] What are you
doing here?

I live here.

Right, but I thought you were
going to Santa Barbara...

Well, I changed my mind, OK?

And his is who you're
having an affair with? Lou?

Yeah.

Why don't you just
go to his house?

We're both allergic to my cats.

I don't care, you guys gotta go.

- [thudding]
- [Peter] Bollocks!

- What the hell was that?
- What is that...

Alice?

Please leave!
Just get out of here!

- [groans]
- [gasps]

[scoffs]

[Lou] No shirt and no bottoms.

Is there a worse look
for a man?

You threw out the wrong clothes.

[sighs]

Santa Barbara, interesting.

You just ran another red light,
no one's even chasing us!

Don't go pussy on me, Ed!

Pull over, right now!

I'm driving! It's my car,
I'm driving! Pull over!

[brakes squeal]

Hey! Hey!

Oh, shit!

I... ah,
the fucking three-way!

[screams]

[Claire] I mean,
I'm really not shocked.

It's always been obvious
that he has a thing for you

but what surprises me
is that either of you had the
balls to go through with it!

I'm so bloody sick of you
always talking about balls!

Congratulations, Claire!

You've got bigger balls
than all of us!

- Nothing happened tonight.
- Obviously, Alice.

I mean you're...
You're Alice. Alice doesn't
fuck her sister's husband...

Look, I'm not trying
to make excuses, OK?

But you were really
insensitive in the car today,

and I just felt
like, fuck it!

Fuck what?

Fuck you!

Fuck you, fuck me,
fuck everything!

I just wanted to feel...

I just wanted to feel
worthless

and degraded and repulsive.

And Peter called.

[Lou laughing]

[Peter] What?

Ow! It hurts!

[Sandy indistinct yelling]

I'll sue your asses!

Fuck!

[indistinct chatter over radio]

She went to Harvard.

Which way's west?

[Sandy] Don't touch my ass,
I will sue your ass.

Ow, that hurts!

Fuckers!

I still think you're gay.

Trying oral sex once when
I was 15 does not make me gay!

I'm British.

I know, you're so
damn proud of it.

[knocking]

[knocking]

Donald, what are you doing here?

You left this magazine
at my house.

And you had to bring it
back at 5:30 in the morning?

You know, every time I
see it, it makes me sad.

Well, throw it in the
recycling bin, Donald!

Well, you know, since I'm here,

I just wanted to say that in
defense of myself...

I can't! No, Donald!

[laughing] I can't...

You know, when you knocked on
the door, I thought it was Ed.

And I don't even know what would
I would've done if it was Ed,

because I screwed
everything up so badly.

Oh.

I didn't realize you had all
these people in your house.

You know, I'll IM you later.

Here's your magazine.

Bye.

You know, I just...

I just wanted a little bit
of sex, you know?

Is that...
Is that so terrible?

I just... I didn't mean
to screw everything up.

I didn't mean
to ruin everything.

You know, when Ed
and I were together,

sometimes on Saturday nights,

we would just stay in and watch
movies and do our laundry,

and it sounds boring, and it
was boring, but it was fun.

And it was nice,
and it was good!

That's why you two

have to really think
about what you're doing

before you just throw everything
away, you know?

Because it's really hard to find
a safe place in this world.

A place where you can just
stay in on a Saturday night

and do your laundry.

We don't do our own laundry.

Right.

[door closes]

[car engine starts]

[Claire] That's what you rented
to have an affair?

They didn't have any sedans.

You should try bumping it up
to the full size.

Piss off! You, too!

Hi, Claire. What's up, Lou?

[engine starts, car drives away]

I've been carrying
these around for
three weeks.

I had to use a couple.

Three actually.

[car approaching]

[snickers]

[sprinklers spraying]