Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[CLINKING]

He's a fake. It's just a trick.

[PEOPLE GRUNTING]

[SWORDS CLASHING]

Do not be envious of thy neighbor's gatherings.

[ZEN MUSIC PLAYING]

It's not the bowl you want.

Believe in yourself and you will receive all the riches you need.

CLAUDIA: The net is unbelievable.

It's like having the world's biggest store right on your desk

and you can shop for anything at any time.

It's like this gigantuous mall.

I am telling you, you've got to try it.

Like you can even take your own photo

and put it into the computer and then try on clothes.

I swear to God , it's amazing.

Look, no. I am not exactly sure how it works.

But you should see how cool stuff looks on me.

Particularly, the pastels.

Except for cucumber.

Totally sucks.

Makes me look like I have malaria or something.

Yeah, I have to get that.

Gotta go.

I am all ears.

I am here to see Professor Sydney Fox.

She is in class.

I see.

You, a new student?

No, no, I am actually...

Well, I am her new teaching assistant.

Aha...

After such a secluded education in

Cambridge, you can imagine how nervous I was

to get a position in America.

Silly to you, I am sure.

Obviously, once I got here I was quite released.

Is there anything I should know?

[TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[YELLS]

You must be Nigel.

Your demonstration was so wonderfully unusual.

Was it the Maori or the... [CLEARS THROAT]

or the Shawnees Indians.

Oh! It's actually a composite of several travel cultures

that embody similar methods of killing.

The most important thing at the beginning of the term is

to get the students excited about history and

hungry for more.

Well, right.

Otherwise history becomes just an exercise in memorizing

things from books.

Blaine wants to see you. Said he will meet you on the quad.

On my way.

And that would be you following her now.

Blaine is?

Curator of the museum.

Lots of laughs.

Robert!

Sydney!

This is my new teaching assistant, Nigel Bailey.

What's this about?

They are from a village in Nepal.

They are positive that you can help them find the Buddhist bowl.

The alms bowl Siddhartha threw away. Mm-hmm.

They claim to know where it is.

Traveled 10,000 miles just to see you.

Will talk to nobody else.

I'll take my leave then.

Is there...

any thing I should know?

[WOMAN CLEARS HER THROAT]

We have discovered an ancient map.

We now know the exact location of the bowl.

One hundred and fifty years ago,

the people of Kushinagar,

where we are from

The place where Buddha died?

Are building a monument.

We want to put Buddha's bowl in a place of honor.

as a testament to his teachings.

I...really would like to help you, but--

The people of the village

collected these.

Why did Buddha throw it away in first place?

To begin more trouble than it was worth.

It was believed to have never run out of coins.

Every time it was empty, it filled up again.

I don't understand the problem.

Do you mean to say that you are actually going to...

I mean...

Now...traveling for the purpose of--

It's like Lumbini.

She is.

Lumbini Gardens, Nepal.

Really?

Some sort of fish.

Golden Koi.

And so are you.

Chan! Look at this.

I have to know Chan and pardon me for saying this but you are in deep doo-doo.

I mean you have taken this trading company

that has been in your family for--

for generations...

and managed to single handedly because of your lust for fancy cars

and expensive women or is it fancy women and expensive cars,

and managed to sink into oblivion.

That's not true.

Oh really! Come off it, Chan.

It's nearly beyond life support.

Now I know it and you know it.

The only person who doesn't know it yet...

is your father.

And Thank God

because it would really break his heart

I'll get it back.

[SCOFFS] You and how many gone ifs?

I on the other hand

know a way for you to bring it back from the dead.

Get it back in a big way.

Not interested.

All right.

Suit yourself, Chanie.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello!

Yes, Father.

[CHICKENS CLUCKING]

I know this isn't what you were expecting.

Not exactly.

I just thought when I checked yes for travel

on the job application form

more or less an occasional lecture in Boston or something.

Not that I am not intrigued by being here, I mean...

The end of the world

but on my first day.

And...then I met your assistant Claudia.

She certainly didn't let on there'd be anything more than that.

I mean, she doesn't share your love of history unless it can be poems.

It is unfortunate.

Her father is a friend of the college that's why she is there.

Her love of history begins and ends with Marilyn.

Monroe? Manson.

Lovely girl, I am sure.

You are gonna like the hunt, Nigel.

I can tell.

Once we get to Lumbini, finding the gardens shouldn't be difficult.

Lumbini Gardens.

It sounds peaceful. Doesn't it?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[MUSIC PLAYING IN THE CLUB]

If the map is correct, the Golden Koi is in here somewhere.

You look around here and I will see what is downstairs.

Right.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

The Koi!

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Gotta go.

Hey! Wait a minute.

You can't leave yet. I'm just starting to get ahead a little, here.

You?

Sweet cheeks!

Sweet cheeks?

Never mind.

You have the Koi, don't you?

What? You mean this little old thing?

[LAUGHS]

You don't think I just came down here for my health, do you?

I mean, this isn't exactly Bermuda, is it?

How did you get here?

Well, these three weirdos villagers from Kushinagar came by...

and they showed me this little map

Then they tried to hire me... with about 20 bucks worth of worthless tokens.

Can you imagine?

Let go off me.

Stewie. You cockroach.

Sydney! They are calling the authorities.

I could go to jail.

Imagine what jail's like around here?

There goes the Koi.

And my watch.

[COPS SPEAKING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE]

[SYDNEY TALKING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE]

[MAN SPEAKING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE]

What's he saying?

We are screwed.

[SYDNEY GASPING FOR AIR]

You are gonna be all right?

Water, please?

Can one of you get us some water.? Can't you see how upset she is?

It's gonna be all right.

I'll get it myself.

Come on! Let's go!

[MEN SHOUTING]

[HISSING]

The next stop once we had the Koi would have been Bodhgaya.

I'm sure that's where he's going.

Why does he call you sweet cheeks?

It's not important.

Michael!

I just thought you should know.

There's been increasing interest in the company.

Really?

That's good news , Father.

I trust the profit and loss statements are up to date.

Absolutely.

Good.

I 'd like you to prepare the entire financial package for me.

Right away.

Michael!

Don't worry. I got the Koi.

I don't understand.

It's a long story, you will have to trust me. The Koi is the key.

The Koi is the key?

OPERATOR: Yes, sir.

Give me a ticket to Bodhgaya.

Let's get on the train.

Get out of these things.

When we get to Bodhgaya, we will find a nice hotel.

Have a bath.

and a glass of water whatever they call wine.

[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]

[BIRD SQUAWKING]

In interpreting the tree bark...

it seems to me that the Koi was just one of the many.

Really? Yes, there were several.

Which would mean?

One is not enough.

It's all part of a mosaic.

But Stewie has the Koi.

Yes and he knows, we know that he has the Koi.

I know, he knows, we know.

And he knows, I know he knows.

I am not sure, I am following this.

Point is we have to be on guard.

Operate on the basis he can be any where.

That's where I think you are the best, sweet cheeks.

[YELLS AT THE HORSE]

Hello there! Kimoasabes.

Perhaps you can help me.

Do any of you know what this means?

What its used for?

This...

Koi.

Yes.

It's supposed to be from this area. Many of them.

Does it ring a bell?

You should forget about it.

Oh, yeah?

And why is that?

It is best you do not know.

But you should forget you saw it.

Look.

If it's money, you guys want.

I am fresh out of beads, you know.

Hey!

What about this?

Very expensive.

Very expensive. Look!

Multi time zones.

Yeah.

You can keep that, Kimosabes. All you got to do is

tell me about this Koi.

It's the key.

All right, which one of you is going to step up and part with the goods,huh?

SYDNEY: I will.

Like you said, the Koi is the key.

Water!

The fountain holds the answer.

Water?

Yes!

Excuse me but...

the watch , you see, is actually mine

and it was stolen in Lumbini.

Fountain holds the answer.

Right!

It's not even a fish pond here.

Well, it can't be this fountain.

Why not?

Well, this fountain is relatively new and the one

we are looking for would have been built well over two hundred years ago.

Right.

There's got to be another fountain.

That's better.

Seven Koi will never be.

What do you mean?

An odd number, completely unlucky, just would never be.

Now what?

I have no idea.

[PANTING]

You all right?

Fine.

Fine.

Let's go.

Nigel!

No, I am fine. Not a problem.

Nigel!

Beetles! Aah! Aah!

This is not exactly what I bargained for.

Going through the guide, the Bodhi tree should be just over the next ridge.

This is it.

If this is it, then where is the Buddha?

I don't know.

Now what?

I don't know.

We've come to a dead end.

Looks that way.

This is the right spot, I am sure of it.

Maybe we should go back and talk to the guides.

Get up! What?

Get up! NIGEL: What is it?

We couldn't find the Buddha because it was right under our noses.

We were sitting on him.

The whole bloody place is the Buddha.

Fallen over.

The bowl must be somewhere inside.

And getting inside?

That's what the eye meant.

Buddha taught that the third eye was the way into our souls.

Our inner beings.

NIGEL: The eyes!

The eyes...

Look, I... have got to get out of here.

Okay? Me go.

All right?

What gives?

An offering is required for your release.

An offering?

That is correct.

Uh...look

Do you know who I am, Kimosabe? Huh?

SYDNEY: The third eye.

SYDNEY: Repository of all knowledge.

Can't see a thing!

All right. So it was a different eye.

I think you got rid of them.

Better to have the bugs on the outside than to have them inside,Tarzan.

All right! All right!

Look! Just give me a second I am going to call my boss

and I will have him wire me some bucks, okay?

[DIALING]

Cell phone!

You can call people. Anybody, anytime, anywhere

No wires.

Just a lot of exorbitant roaming charges. Hey!

Cell phone!

Nokia 6100 digital

with voice enhancement.

Look!

You tell me where they are and it's yours.

It's enormous.

The bowl could be anywhere.

I think the Buddha will give us a sign.

Oh!

We are obviously not the first to come looking for it.

Just hope we are more successful.

Buddha teaches the way to Nirvana is through moderation, not abstinence.

Partaking not denying

which is why his belly is so large.

Well, we'll find the bowl in the belly?

Convinced of it.

[SYDNEY EXCLAIMS LOUDLY]

Roaches!

[LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY]

Ugh! All over the place.

They are just roaches, Sydney. I hate roaches.

Well, granted, they're not very pleasant, but they are just bugs.

They are not bugs. They are roaches.

Nobody likes roaches.

Even people who like snakes, don't like roaches.

There must be hundreds of them.

Your imagination is getting the better of you. There aren't that many of them.

[LAUGHS WICKEDLY]

NIGEL: You see, we have made our way past the worst of them.

What's that?

I can't make it out.

Ugh! Ugh!

Let's just get through them fast

There must be another way through.

This is the only way to the belly of the Buddha.

Well! Well! Having problems there, sweet cheeks?

What did you expect Mahatma Gandhi!

Mind if I play through?

Roaches, huh?

You should see my apartment.

[LAUGHS LOUDLY]

Stewie, stop!

What? What is it?

Don't take another step.

Remember kuranda?

Kuranda?

Spikes in the wall.

Nasty, weren't they? Yeah.

You really do care about me, huh?

Must not get carried away now.

Still want you to...

well, you know...

Wait a minute! I thought you said there were spikes.

I didn't say anything about spikes.

I just asked if you remembered Kuranda.

[DIALING]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

[MAN SPEAKING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE]

Remember, Bangladesh?

Yeah, right!

What the hell was that?

I tried to warn you, sweet cheeks. It was Burundi.

I lose track.

Siddhartha's bowl!

Listen, Sydney, what are we fighting about?

Why don't we just split it?

'cause it's not for sale. It is a priceless relic.

NIGEL: Oh my God!

Great! Now what?

We figure a way out.

STEWIE: Now what?

I have a confession to make , sweet cheeks.

Why do you keep calling her that?

It's not important.

It started in Constantinople.

Singapore!

I lose track.

We don't need to hear the story.

We were looking for the jade tiger. We were in a field

and she had to , you know, go behind the bushes

And while she was, you know, behind the bushes

a wasp decided to take a siesta in her breeches.

When she pulled them up

it must have got a little claustrophobic for the wasp

How many times did it bite your ass? Twenty, thirty,forty, fifty times?

Anyway we didn't have any salve or ointment or anything?

One of the guides

had some marmalade.

Surprisingly soothing.

All I wanted...

was a nice little teaching job.

You had a confession?

Yeah.

Look, since it looks like we all going to bite it here.

I just wanted to set the record straight.

Okay.

I am a schmuck.

I am a big schmuck.

I know that's not earth shattering news

but wanted you to know Syd, that I really enjoyed working with you.

I mean it, it's been a lot of fun.

Thanks, Stewie.

That's it.

Thanks Stewie.

It's nice. Yeah, well...

Anybody know any good dying songs?

A lever!

A lever?

A stone lever!

NIGEL: What do you think it means?

May be opens the door.

or releases the sand.

We are not going with the flow.

No, we are not. We definitely are not.

STEWIE: What flow? There is no flow.

We are ignoring one of the basic teachings of Buddhism.

Are we? What exactly would that be?

Not to resist.

That's what I told you in Rio.

That is your answer? Not choose your solution?

To fight against pain and fear is to be defeated by it.

To accept it

is to conquer it.

Close your eyes and relax.

Oh, sure!

Breathe deeply.

Breathe!

You know, I hate to say this but

not resisting is not working.

I must say, I'll have to agree.

Aah! We are missing something.

Yes, a way out.

Vibrations!

Sound waves!

Sound waves?

Maybe if we can make the walls oscillate

the vibrations will move the handle

Oh, sure!

A chant!

Meditate and chant!

as loud as you can.

Om mm!

[ALL CHANTING OM]

Louder!

[ALL CHANTING OM LOUDLY]

SYDNEY: It's moving!

NIGEL: We did it. It's working.

[ALL LAUGHING HAPPILY]

What happened to the bowl?

I have the bowl.

We always knew, that someday someone would come.

It is important that the bowl goes to someone of great need.

SYDNEY: I want to return the bowl to it's rightful place.

The villagers of Kushinagar are building a monument to Buddha.

They want to place it there.

It is the final resting place.

A tribute to his memory and what he stood for.

Chan!

You come for the bowl as well?

Yes.

What is your need?

I needed to make the money I have lost in my family's business.

For personal gain.

Yes, it is.

Loser!

Yes.

I don't understand.

His need was greater.

It's not working.

It is.

The bowl like Buddha gives to those what they need the most.

You needed not to work.

What are you talking about?

Perhaps you need to face up to the truth of your actions.

I have to face my father.

That is precisely what you needed.

Michael! Wait, wait!

Michael!

Guard it well.

I will.

Please wait up! Whoa!

Wait up! Where is my money?

I don't owe you any money. The bowl doesn't work.

Well, that's not my fault.

I got you the bowl. You owe me.

Listen, Michael! Maybe they just don't know how to use the bowl.

Maybe you got to rub it. I think you got to rub it.

SYDNEY: Are you okay?

NIGEL: Me? Fine.

NIGEL: Perfect.

NIGEL: You do this a lot?

Not often enough.

What do you think?

To be honest, I found the whole experience rather daunting.

Is it good or bad?

I don't know.

It did cost me a watch.

How did it...

Hear what the man said? The bowl gives you what you need.

But I don't need the watch.

But you needed to know that you didn't.

Now that you have it back, you do.

It's gonna be like this a lot, isn't it?

You ain't seen nothing, yet?

How is it going?

Not bad.

What happened?

I got a little carried away.

This online shopping is dangerous.

Trust me,Claudia, you don't know what dangerous is.

Oh! Yes, I do.

I am gonna have to return half of this stuff.

Remember those coins, the villagers gave me.

Yes.

Since he didn't get any money from Chan,

I sent them to Stewie as a joke.

One of them turned out to be a lost Taxila from the fourth century.

It was worth a fortune.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]