Original subtitles

(light music)

- Uncle Martin, I'm home.

Hey I thought you were gonna fix lunch.

How long do you think it will be before earth people

can do tricks like that?

- Oh I don't know, maybe 30,000 years from now.

- Oh, I can hardly wait.

Oh hey are you gonna wear the blue suit today?

- I hadn't planned on it.

You know it was a lucky day for me when we got together.

In all my previous visits to your planet,

I've never met any one whose clothes fit me so well.

- Well the name O'Hara fits you pretty well too you know.

You are almost handsome enough to be a member of the family.

Matter of fact I wish you were.

- Thank you, Tim.

Sometimes I feel that I am.

Who's Harvey O'Hara?

- Oh, well he's my cousin.

You know it's funny you should mention him,

I haven't thought about him in years.

- He sent you a special delivery letter.

(knocking on door)

There it is now.

- Well you're right.

It's from Harvey.

- Mhm, I'm not in the habit of making mistakes.

And before you finish reading it,

I can also tell you that he's coming for a visit.

- Uncle Martin.

- I know Tim, your cousin Harvey is not aware

that you have an Uncle Martin.

(beeping)

(cheerful music)

- You know I don't remember very much about him,

except that he was a moocher.

I remember once when I was a kid,

now if I had an all-day sucker, I had to finish it

before he showed up.

I set a record once, six and a half minutes.

But you know the one thing I can never forgive him for,

he made off with my Boy Scout knife.

- I wish you earth people would learn to be more explicit

in your communications.

He says he's going to, "Drop in on you."

Now in your binocular that could mean anything

from a quick hello and goodbye

to taking up permanent residence.

- Well you don't think he wants to move in here, do you?

- I don't know.

Relatives seem to feel that they have inalienable rights.

Even on Mars.

- But he can't stay here.

I mean even if you were invisible he'd find out about you.

You got the spaceship down in the garage.

Your manuscript for your book

is sitting over there on the desk.

And then there's Mrs. Brown.

How are we going to keep him from Mrs. Brown?

She's sure to spill the beans.

- Tim, there is no reason to panic.

- [Tim] But Uncle Martin.

- We are forewarned.

Which means we have time to enumerate all the problems

which could possibly arise from your cousin's presence.

Then we solve them one by one.

Now, the first thing we do is.

(dramatic music)

Panic.

Cousin Harvey's coming up the stairs.

That was supposed to be the mail.

Uncle Martin what are we going to do?

Oh now Uncle Martin, wait a minute.

- You know we can't let your cousin Harvey see me.

And he's practically coming in the door.

With two very large suitcases.

(knocking on door)

- Uncle Martin, the burger.

(knocking on door)

Thanks Uncle Martin.

- Tim O'Hara.

My favorite cousin.

You're a sight for sore eyes cuz.

- Hi Harvey.

Listen, I wish you'd let me know sooner

that you were coming.

- What?

And given you a chance to leave town?

Not on your life cuz.

Now don't let me stop you from whatever it was

you were doing.

Come on I'll join ya.

(laughs)

Where's yours?

- Oh mine?

Oh yes, well uh, mines in the kitchen, Harv.

(kicks suitcase)

- [Uncle Martin] That happens to be my lunch.

- Not anymore.

- Psst, psst.

What do you propose to do about him?

- Well I thought you were gonna solve our problems

one by one.

- Well here's another one.

He wants you to get him a job on The Sun.

- Well how am I supposed to get him a job?

- I don't know.

I only read minds, I don't preform miracles.

(food crunching)

- Where you been?

- Well I was in the kitchen.

- Of course you were.

- What's this?

- Read it.

- "Is Marriage Hereditary?" by Harvey O'Hara.

- Yeah that's a little editorial I wrote.

Won a blue ribbon at the Tyler County Fair.

Polls picked up all over the whole stage,

every newspaper reran it.

- Well that's just great.

Congratulations Harvey.

- Yeah well there's nothing to it,

if you've got the old touch.

And Tim, I've got it.

I'm ready.

- Oh that's good.

Ready for what?

- The big time, the big city newspaper.

I've had it with the ice cream socials

and the hog calling contests.

I wanna cover important stories like

kidnapping, robbery, and murder.

- Yeah, there's nothing like a good murder, Harv.

- Yeah.

And look Tim what I want you to do

is just get me in the door.

You don't even have to give me a push.

I guarantee that in no time at all I'll be as big

on The Sun as I was on

The Old Grove Weekly Gazette and Advertising.

Yes sir, and I, all I want you to do today is

go down to the office and just look around.

I mean to drop a couple of hints to the publisher

that you know where he can get a cracker jack

all around newspaper man.

(laughter)

And meanwhile I'll just spend the day getting settled

in the apartment.

- It's nothing to get alarmed about Harv,

it's just instant rheumatism, it acts up every now and then.

The medicine is in the bathroom.

- I was afraid of that, he's moving in.

- Look Uncle Martin, I didn't invite him.

- Well you can't leave him here for me to entertain.

- What do you want me to do take him down

to The Sun and babysit?

- I don't care if you strap him on your back like a papoose,

only get him out of here.

- Uncle Martin, look I have got a great idea.

Now you sneak out, then you come back in again,

and I'll tell him that you're already living here,

and that there's no room for him.

And he won't know who you are.

- No but Mrs. Brown would.

She's coming out of her kitchen door right now

with a plate of fudge brownies.

- Fudge brownies.

- They were only an excuse.

She evidently saw him coming in.

She's on her way up to meet him.

- Oh fudge brownies, especially Mrs. Brown's.

You know when I was a kid, I made better mud pies.

- I'm so hungry right now, a mud pie would taste

like a delicacy.

- So long.

(cheery music)

- Now what in the world made it do that?

I've heard of Mexican jumping beans.

Oh well it just couldn't.

Martin, now where on earth did you come from?

- From the other side of the moon, dear lady.

Drawn inexorably by the piquant aroma of fudge brownies.

- Oh you.

- May I?

- Well certainly.

You know, I've always had the uncomfortable feeling

that you didn't really like my fudge brownies.

- Now whatever gave you that idea, Mrs. Brown?

These are delicious.

I could make a meal of them.

- Oh well certainly help yourself, Martin.

I was just bringing them up to you and Tim,

and that nice young man I couldn't help noticing

going into your going into your apartment

with two suitcases.

- That's Tim's cousin.

- Oh I'm just dying to meet him.

- Oh, well he was on a bus all night, he's very tired.

I'm sure that he'll sleep all day.

- So, I'll meet him tomorrow.

- Are those for us?

- Oh, well yes.

I was just gonna bring these up to you.

- Oh how very thoughtful of you, Mrs. Brown.

Thank you very much.

- How long is your nephew planning to stay?

- Oh I don't know.

I haven't had a chance to ask him yet.

- I'm still looking forward to meeting him.

- Wouldn't it be nice if I took these up to him?

Good heavens, my roast is burning.

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

Hello?

(beeping)

Operator?

Operator?

Can you hear me?

Operator I think our phone is.

Operator?

- [Voice On Phone] This is repair service,

we're checking your telephone.

(siren)

- I wasn't cooking a roast.

- You weren't?

Well, oh I'll take those.

Thank you very much.

You are three minutes late.

- Oh well the going home traffic was a little slower

than usual, is anything wrong?

- Is anything wrong?

Is anything right?

I haven't spent such a hectic afternoon

since I supervised the launching of Cleopatra's barge.

- Well I've got some good news for ya,

looks like Mr. Burns is gonna give Harvey a job.

I have to take him down first thing in the morning.

- Well then he'll be moving out.

- Well not for a few months.

- I can't stand this for a few months.

I have a headache from appearing and disappearing so much.

- You don't think Harvey suspects anything, do you?

- Harvey doesn't suspect anything except that

he's the world's greatest reporter.

He spent the whole afternoon rehearsing his acceptance

speech for the Pulitzer Prize.

When he wasn't doing that, he was nosing around

the apartment as if he had lost something.

He found my manuscript.

Fortunately it was beyond his feeble comprehension.

And then, then he tried to jimmy the lock

on the garage door.

- He didn't see the spaceship?

- No.

Somehow the hammer came down and hit him on the thumb.

- Uncle Martin, don't you think that's a little drastic?

- Drastic?

What do you call that?

I was trying to get a piece of cheese

out of the refrigerator and your cousin Harvey

slammed the door.

And another thing, where is he going to sleep?

(snoring)

- Tim.

Tim.

Will you wake up and roll over?

You're snoring.

- Hm?

- You were snoring.

- Oh.

(snoring)

- What, what, what, what?

- Shh.

- That what you woke me up for?

To tell me shh?

- You were snoring.

- I never snore.

- What's going on?

What are you doing?

- Well I, I, thought you'd like a nice glass of warm milk

to put you to sleep.

- I thought I was asleep.

- Hm.

(snoring)

- How much money have you got?

- Bout a dollar and a half.

- That wouldn't be enough.

I was thinking of going to a hotel.

But for a dollar and a half you can't even sleep

in Griffith Park.

- Well look if you wanna trade places,

I'll sleep in the rocking chair.

- I'm afraid you'd have a hard time explaining to Harvey.

No, I'll just find someplace else to be uncomfortable.

(snoring)

- Hold up on my breakfast a few minutes will ya Tim?

I wanna grab a quick shower.

- Oh, well hurry up.

You don't wanna be late your first day at work.

(shower running)

Uncle Martin, you weren't.

- Would you please get him out of this house?

Good morning Mrs. Brown, how nice to see you.

Won't you come in?

- Well thank you.

My you're in a happy mood this morning aren't we?

- Why not?

God is in his heaven and all is right with the world.

Temporarily at least.

- I tried to catch Tim and his cousin as they

were driving out, I wanted to invite you all

for dinner this evening.

I found a new recipe for rabbit stew using

tuna fish instead of rabbit.

And I am just dying to try it out on company.

- That sounds delicious.

However I have other plans for this evening.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Well perhaps Tim and his cousin can join me.

- My other plans included you.

- Me?

- Mrs. Brown, would you do me the honor

of dining and attending a cinema afterwords?

- Would I?

(stuttering)

I mean I would.

I think that would be most enjoyable.

- Well I suggest we get an early start.

Say, 4:30 or 5 at the latest.

- Oh yes, I'll be ready.

I better get started right now.

Let's see, I've got to sew a button on the blue dress

or do you think the green one would be prettier?

- Oh I'm sure whatever you choose will be most charming.

- Oh yes, I'm sure it will be too.

Now let's see, if I wear the blue dress I could

wear that rhinestone necklace.

Oh but that always gets caught in the collar

of my jacket.

I'm not sure where the belt is to the green dress.

Now if I wore the belt to the green dress,

if I found that that's be marvelous because I could

wear it around, I wouldn't have to wear

any rhinestones then.

- Oh what a tangled web we weave.

When first we practice to deceive.

And to think, I gave that line to Sir Walter Scott.

A little up on the shoulder,

a little on the shoulder.

- Well how much longer do you think you can

hold out, Uncle Martin?

- I don't know.

Actually this is an impossible situation.

You know, sleeping on that rocking chair is bad enough.

But now Mrs. Brown is beginning to think of orange blossoms

and wedding bands.

- Yeah, well you can't blame her.

You've taken her out every night this week.

- Well I had to didn't I?

I couldn't let her meet Harvey, could I?

I tell you I deserve a metal for bravery

above and beyond the call of duty.

- You know my savings account is draining away,

you can't afford to be brave.

(neck cracks)

- I'll spend that money on a nice quiet hotel room

that Mrs. Brown.

Listen a little bit up on the neck, on the neck higher.

Higher, higher right there.

Careful, careful, you're shaking up the antennae.

You know something Tim?

The greatest generals in history,

when faced with an impossible situation

struck out boldly.

That's what we need to do, attack.

- Mrs. Brown?

- No, Harvey.

- How?

- I don't know yet.

Look out.

- Practicing playing the piano.

- Without a piano?

- It's harder that way.

Do you know how long that interviewer of yours

would last on the old Grove Gazette and Advertiser?

I'd give him about one week.

He's too nervous Tim, he's always hollering at everybody.

- Well it's a pretty important job,

he's under a lot of pressure.

It must be quite a come down for you, Harvey.

- [Harvey] Well it is, it definitely is.

(knocking on door)

- Hi, I'm glad I caught you at home.

Don't you remember me?

Marty.

Used to work on The Trib.

(stuttering)

- Marty.

Marty.

Oh you meant from The Tribune.

I'd like you to meet my cousin, Harvey.

This is Marty, used to be with The Tribune.

- Hello, glad to meet you, Marty.

- Hello Harv.

You know where I can get a job?

- A job?

Well no, not offhand.

You see Harvey just started working down at The Sun,

and well I'm afraid they're just not taking on

any more help right now.

- Where'd you work before Harv?

- Oh just a little two bit weekly back in the Midwest.

It wasn't much, but well you gotta start somewhere.

- Now don't knock small town papers to me, Harv.

They're the backbone of this country.

- Oh well I wasn't knocking The Gazette, I mean

it was all right for a while.

But well, when you've got the old know how,

you gotta move on to the big time.

- It's a shame.

It's a dirty shame, that's what it is.

This kid reminds me so much of myself when I was young.

I was going to conquer the world, I couldn't wait.

And within one week after going to work on a big paper

I had my first hallucination.

- I don't think you ever told me

about your hallucinations, Marty.

- It was tension that did it.

I was working at a job where I didn't belong.

I imagined things just moved all by themselves

from one place to another.

You know just floating through the air.

- Yeah, what's the matter?

- Well, didn't you see?

Well the matches just kind of floated,

they were, I dropped the matches on my foot.

- I made my big mistake a long time ago

when I left the Full River Independent.

Small paper like yours Harv.

I guess you had to sell advertising

in your spare time too, huh?

- Oh sure they wouldn't let you just be a star reporter.

You couldn't just be a star reporter like I was.

I mean you had to do a lot of stuff,

you had to do a lot of other stuff...

We had to run the press.

And and stack and bind.

I mean we covered all the stories from

the Strawberry Festival to the wreck of the Hesperus.

I mean on weekends you had to sell subscriptions

and foot stools.

- Hey Harv, is that job still open?

- Uh job?

- The one you left on The Gazette.

I could use a spot like that.

That's where I belong.

On a small town paper.

I was like everybody else,

I didn't know what really made me happy.

Please Harv, see if you can get that job for me.

I need it.

- Yeah I'll...

(dialing phone)

Hello, Mr. Humphreys?

This is Harvey O'Hara, have you gotten anyone

to take my place at Oak Grove?

You haven't?

Uh Mr. Hat Humphreys I can get a bus out of here

first thing in the morning.

I'll be home early Tuesday.

Thank you, bye.

I'm sorry Marty, the job's taken.

Oh uh, incidentally Tim, here's your Boy Scout knife.

(car driving)

* Jeanie with the light brown hair

- Yoohoo Martin, Tim.

I've been looking for you,

your cousin's upstairs.

- But that is impossible.

We just took him to the bus station and waited

until the bus disappeared in the distance.

- Ah, but it isn't a him.

- Do we have a cousin named Margie?

- Uhuh.

- You wanna take a ride?

- Where to?

- Honolulu.

(cheery music)