Original subtitles

- Tim, your life hasn't come to an end

just because some new girl at the newspaper

won't go out with you?

- Uncle Martin, this isn't just some girl!

This is Cynthia Parker!

Why, she is,

she is the most wonderful,

the most marvelous,

why, the most gorgeous!

- And the most unattainable.

You earthlings confound me.

The minute you can't have something,

that's the very thing you must have.

We have a saying on Mars,

"The forbidden fruit is the sweetest."

- We have the same saying here.

- I'm sure we had it first.

(audience laughs)

- Well, I don't understand it.

I tried everything,

charm, wit, romantic looks.

You know, as a matter of fact,

I was completely irresistible all day.

- I think I know what the problem is.

- [Tim] What?

- You have an inferiority complex.

(audience laughs)

- If I could just get a date with her.

- Tim, you musn't let this become an obsession.

After all, Cynthia Parker is not the only girl in the world.

You've got to remember that

there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

- I suppose you're right.

Well I guess I'll just have to brainwash myself.

There are plenty of other fish in the sea.

There are plenty of other fish in the sea.

There are plenty of other fish.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

- What is it?

- While I was down at the sea, I just saw Cynthia Parker.

She's in a bathing suit.

(audience laughs)

(bemused music)

(strange music)

(beeping)

(playful music)

(lively music)

- Tim.

- [Tim] What?

- You dropped that dish.

- Oh I'm sorry, Uncle Martin.

I wish you'd stop that martian levitation bit.

It makes me nervous.

- I make you nervous?

With the state you're in,

I'm afraid to let you cross the street alone.

- Oh Uncle Martin, I'm sorry,

but I just can't get Cynthia Parker off my mind.

Look, what did you do when you had a situation like this,

on Mars?

- Huh?

- Well, you know, I mean if you found a girl

that you're interested in taking out

and she turned you down?

- I don't believe I've ever been in that situation.

- You mean you've never been turned down by a girl?

- [Martin] No.

- How come?

(audience laughs)

Oh, of course, that martian mind-reading ability of yours!

All you had to do was read their minds

and then you knew exactly what to say.

Ah.

Ah, but what about the girls, huh?

I mean, when you read their mind, didn't they object?

- Ah ah ah ah ah, ah, they loved it.

They could think lots of things they were too shy to say.

(audience laughs)

- That's it!

Uncle Martin, that's how I'm gonna get a date

with Cynthia Parker!

- How?

- You're gonna read her mind for me.

- I'm going to do what?

- Now look, all you have to find out

is what she likes and what she doesn't like.

I'll take over from there.

- But it doesn't seem fair, Tim,

using my martian powers to win a girlfriend for you.

- Uncle Martin, now look,

why don't you just sort of consider this a, um,

a problem, yes,

a problem in market research.

As a matter of fact,

that's the department she's in at the paper,

market research.

- I'm sorry, Tim, but it just doesn't seem ethical somehow.

- Uncle Martin, I'm not asking you to use your powers

to do anything wrong.

No!

No, all I want you to do is to find out how she thinks

so that I can please her.

- Well...

- Uncle Martin, you've gotta do it!

It's a matter of life and death!

- Of course it would save the wear and tear on the dishes.

- What's it gonna be?

- It's against my better judgment, but, um,

I'll read her mind for you.

- Uncle Martin, you'll never regret it.

(laughs) I feel like a new man!

(audience laughs)

- Tim!

(glass breaking)

(audience laughs)

(uncertain music)

- There she is.

- Incredible.

That's real martian beauty.

- [Tim] Yeah, I told you she was out of this world.

- Somehow I can't see you two together.

- Well you just read her mind for me,

you'll never see us apart.

- Are you sure you wanna go through with this?

- Yeah, I'm positive.

Come on.

Miss Parker.

- [Cynthia] Mr. O'Hara, isn't it?

- Yes, that's right.

I would like to introduce my uncle, Martin O'Hara.

Uncle Martin, may I introduce Miss Cynthia Parker?

- How do you do?

- Very glad to meet you.

- Uncle Martin is very interested in consumer research,

so when he found out that

we had a new person in this department,

he wanted to come right up and meet you.

- Well are you in market research?

- Only as a hobby.

- He, um, he's a professor of anthropology,

and, uh, well he's fascinated

by the science of delving into the consumer mind.

- Well I'm still fascinated by that myself.

Trying to figure out what people are thinking

is a real challenge.

- Unless of course you could read minds. (laughs)

(audience laughs)

(Cynthia laughs)

- Well that would certainly solve all my problems.

- Yes, mine too.

Um, Uncle Martin, why don't you show Miss Parker

your questionnaire that you invented?

- [Cynthia] Questionnaire?

- Oh yes.

Uh, yes, yes.

Um, uh, it's just a sample form that I, uh, made up

to explore a person's personality.

I thought perhaps you could, um,

use it in one of your surveys.

- Well that's very kind of you.

The Martin O'Hara Personality Questionnaire.

- Get ready.

(audience laughs)

- "Please state your preference in the following categories:

"literature, art, hobbies, sports."

(hypnotic music)

I'm sorry, Mr. O'Hara, but this wouldn't meet our needs.

- It wouldn't?

- No.

To be perfectly frank, it's a little too superficial.

You'd never get the real information you were after

with such simple, direct questions.

- [Martin] I wouldn't?

- No.

But thank you anyhow.

- Thank you, Miss Parker.

- Bye.

- Did you get what you wanted?

- Everything.

(audience laughs)

(silly music)

Kafka's The Child,

Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment,

Gibbon's The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.

In poetry, her taste runs to Byron, Shelley, and Keats,

and in music she's especially fond of the three Bs,

Bach, Beethoven, and--

- Benny Goodman?

- Brahms.

- Oh.

Yes, of course.

Uncle Martin, you are a real pal.

I'm telling you that

this is gonna be the romance of the century.

Now if it's an egghead that she wants,

it's an egghead she's gonna get.

(audience laughs)

(lively classical music)

(Tim clears his throat)

- "Hail to thee, blithe Spirit!

"Bird thou never wert,

"That from heaven, or near it, Pourest thy full heart

"In profuse strains of unpremeditated art."

Oh.

Uh, may I borrow your eraser?

I'd like to make a change in the story.

- Of course.

- Thank you.

* Da da dee dee dee dee da da

* Dum da da da dum da da

* Da da da dee dee da da

* Dum da dee dee dum ba dum

Thank you.

- Oh, Mr. O'Hara?

- [Tim] Mm-hmm?

- Wasn't that Beethoven's First you were singing?

- His Ninth.

The first goes

* Dum

* Da da dum

* Da da da da da da da da da da bum bum bum bum bum

- That was so stupid of me.

- Oh no, not really,

it's just that I have a passion for music.

- You do?

- Yes.

- So do I.

- You're kidding?

- No.

This is amazing.

I would never have thought that...

- Yes?

- Nothing.

- Say, you know there's a concert tonight

at the Hollywood Bowl?

- Oh there is?

- Yes, and...

Oh, that's right,

you said you were busy tonight, didn't you?

- I did?

- Yeah.

- Well there's been a change of plan.

- Well then you can go.

- I'd love to.

- Oh that's wonderful.

Well then I'll, um, I'll pick you up at eight then, Cynthia.

- That'll be fine, Tim.

* Da da dee dee dee dee da da

* Dum dum dum dum ba dee dee

(romantic piano music)

- Wasn't that concert marvelous?

- Marvelous.

- Oh that violin concerto,

wasn't it beautiful?

- Beautiful.

- The scherzo was exquisite.

- Scherzo.

Uh, exquisite.

- But when it comes to music,

I'm definitely partial to Bach.

I get goose pimples whenever I hear his Goldberg Variations.

How about you?

- Hmm?

- [Cynthia] His Goldberg Variations?

- Well nobody writes variations like Goldberg.

He's my favorite variation writer.

- Goldberg didn't write the Goldberg Variations.

Bach did.

Goldberg was his pupil.

- Yes, of course, how silly of me.

I guess when you know as much about music as I do,

you just have a tendency to forget some things.

Um, how do you feel about, uh, Dostoevsky?

- You like Dostoevksy?

- Almost ask much as I like Kafka.

- Amazing.

Hi, stranger.

- Hi, Cynthia.

What do you mean stranger?

- I haven't seen you since 11:30 last night.

- Yeah, you're right.

I guess we'll have to get our offices

moved closer together.

- (laughs) Tim, did you see this?

The Salzburg String Quartet is coming to town for one night.

- Well hocus pocus, two in the orchestra.

- Tim, you're wonderful.

- Well, who am I to contradict a lady?

- It's amazing how we agree on things.

I never thought I'd meet a man

who likes exactly what I like.

- Well.

- No, Tim,

you're really exceptional.

I don't claim that an appreciation of music

or art or literature is the whole world,

but it is a large part of my world,

and to be able to share it with someone like you is

just plain wonderful.

(passionate orchestral music)

- But, but Cynthia.

(worried music)

- Call it off?

- [Tim] Yes.

- But I spent the whole morning scouring bookstores

for more of her favorite books.

- I can't help that, Uncle Martin.

I can't go on deceiving her any longer.

- Are you going to tell her the truth about yourself?

- No, I can't do that.

- Well if you're not going to deceive her

and you're not going to tell her the truth...

- I can't tell her

what a dirty, lowdown, conniving rat I really am.

It'd destroy her faith in men forever.

How'd I ever let you talk me into it?

- Me?

You're the one who begged me to read her mind.

- Well you're the martian!

You're supposed to be smarter than I am!

- I know.

It's this living here on earth.

Begins to rub off on one.

- What am I gonna do?

- You could start an argument.

You could tell her that you don't like Toulouse-Lautrec.

She's very fond of Toulouse-Lautrec.

That would destroy her relationship with you.

- The way she feels about me right now,

it'd destroy her relationship with Toulouse-Lautrec.

- Hmm, well she really must've fallen for you.

- Well that's what makes me feel so bad.

She thinks I'm her dream man.

Wait a minute.

That's it.

Uncle Martin, look,

all we have to do is find her dream man!

- What?

- The fellow she thought I was but I'm not.

Look, for every girl there's the right guy.

All we have to do is find hers.

- And how do we do that?

- Your brain.

All you have to do is run around reading men's minds

until you find the one that corresponds with hers,

then (claps hands)

bingo!

- It may take weeks.

- All right, we better get started.

- When I get back to Mars, they're never gonna believe me.

They're never going to believe me.

(bemused music)

(cheerful music)

- How about Harry Jordan in Distribution?

Well Cynthia likes 'em studious, you know.

Now look at the way Harry's concentrating on that paper.

- He's concentrating on that paper, all right.

Flimflam on the 4th at Hollywood Park could do it,

but maybe Hot Flash might pass him in the stretch.

- Forget Harry Jordan.

How about Ed Ferguson?

(strange music)

Well?

- "Bubbles LaRue sure has a great act,

"but I'll bet she has lots of problems.

"I wonder how often stripteasers catch a cold."

- Oh forget it.

- I don't think we're getting anywhere.

Your colleagues are decidedly lowbrow.

- Yeah, I know.

Hey, what about the public library?

- An excellent suggestion.

Wait a minute, what's that?

- What?

* Da da da da da da

- Chopin.

- Where?

Where?

- Sh sh sh!

"She walks in beauty like the night

"Of cloudless climes and starry skies,"

Byron.

- Byron who?

Oh, Byron!

- Yes.

Byron.

- Where?

- That man over there.

(puzzled music)

- Bingo!

- You know him?

- Sure, that's Bill Fisher, the knew assistant in personnel.

I didn't know he was so cultured.

Come on!

(hopeful music)

(knocking on the door)

- [Bill] Come in.

- Hi, Bill, you got a second?

- Sure.

It's Tim O'Hara, isn't it?

- Yes, that's right.

I'd like to introduce my uncle.

Martin O'Hara, Bill Fisher.

- Pleased to meet you, sir.

- How do you do?

- Bill, look.

There's a little favor I'd like to ask of you.

I know how much you like music.

- Now wait a minute.

Now how did you know that I like music?

- Oh, well we heard you humming that Chopin thing out there.

- Really?

Well I had no idea I was humming out loud.

- It's the acoustics.

- Yes, yes.

They're very good in these old buildings.

- Gee, I guess I'll have to watch that.

What is it that I can do for you, Bill?

- Oh, well you see, there's this concert tonight,

the Salzburg String Quartet.

Well you see, I have two tickets to it,

I'm afraid I'm not gonna be able to go.

Now there is this lovely girl that you'd just--

- Hold it.

I also have two tickets to tonight's concert,

and I wouldn't want Angel Face to miss it for the world.

- Angel Face?

- Peggy Collins, the sweetest little girl you've ever met.

- Oh.

Well, uh, thanks.

Uh, sorry to bother you.

- Well not at all.

Thanks for thinking of me.

It was nice to have met you, Mr. Martin.

(defeated music)

- Wouldn't you know he'd already have a girl.

- It's a shame.

He and Cynthia would've been so right for each other.

- Yeah, well try to tell that to Angel Face.

I better check and see if I have any phone calls.

- Hmm!

- What's the matter?

- What some people have going on in their heads.

* Scooby dooby dooby rebop rebop

- That sounds like the trumpet solo

from Dizzy Gordon's Honky Tonk Blues.

It's a gas.

- Well I knew it wasn't music.

(audience laughs)

Ugh!

Ugh!

Young lady, must you?

(Martin squeals)

(comical music)

- [Bill] Angel Face!

- [Peggy] Hi!

(audience laughs)

- Angel Face.

- Oh, so this is your new office.

- Yes, you like it?

- Oh I dig it, it's real kooky.

- Oh, no, Peggy, you shouldn't say things like that.

It's so beneath you.

- I'm sorry.

I forgot.

It's really, uh, quite exquisite.

- Well that's better.

Now have I got a surprise for you.

Guess where we're going tonight?

- The stock car races!

Oh Bill, you finally broke down and decided to take me.

Oh you'll love it!

Zoom zoom zoom zoom!

Zoom zoom zoom zoom!

- No, precious, not the stock car races,

a concert.

- A concert?

- [Bill] The Salzburg String Quartet.

- Oh. (laughs)

- Say, Uncle Martin, I was just--

- Shh.

- What's the matter?

- I think we found our man.

- Bill Fisher?

What about Angel Face?

- You know your problem with Cynthia?

- Yeah.

- Well Bill's got the same problem with Angel Face,

and that may solve all our problems.

- How?

- Just leave everything to me.

At the concert tonight

the quartet will be playing a composition to the strings.

I will be playing an exercise for the levitation finger.

(perky music)

(orchestral instruments tuning)

- Looks like a marvelous program.

I just know this is gonna be a night to remember.

- Yeah, so do I.

(audience laughs)

- Right in there, Angel Face.

(graceful classical music)

(audience laughs)

- Oh, oh.

Cynthia, I'm sorry, but I have the wrong seat number.

I'm afraid I'll have to move down.

You stay here and I'll find my other seat.

Bill, how are you?

It's good to see you.

(people shushing)

- See you later.

- See you after the show.

(graceful classical music)

(audience laughs)

Uh, could you move down one, please?

(audience laughs)

(lively classical music)

- Insane mix-ups.

- I can't understand it.

- I'd go straight to the manager,

only I don't want to miss any of the concert.

- Same here.

- Haven't I seen you someplace before?

- Oh, the Los Angeles Sun.

- Bill Fisher, personnel.

- Cynthia Parker, market research.

- Well it certainly is a small world.

- (laughs) Yes.

- Say, do you come to the concerts often?

- Constantly.

- I'm really looking forward to the Salzburg String Quartet.

I was supposed to see them in Europe

on a student tour in 1958,

only I literally missed the boat.

- You were the one.

- [Bill] You mean you were on that tour?

- Yes.

Salzburg, Vienna, Paris.

- Well this is wonderful! (Cynthia laughs)

Listen, you've got to tell me all about it.

What was it like?

- Oh it was marvelous.

To begin with,

in Salzburg we stayed at the funniest little chalet.

You would've loved it. (laughs)

(elegant classical music)

- Hey Uncle Martin,

do you remember about a month ago when, uh,

when you pulled that little trick at the concert

to get Cynthia and Bill together?

- Yeah.

- Listen to this.

"After the wedding the bride and groom will leave

"for a two-week honeymoon in Bermuda."

Gee, it's too bad I had to work today.

I was supposed to be best man.

- Did Peggy go to the wedding?

- [Tim] Mm-hmm.

She was one of the bridesmaids.

- I hope she hasn't been too shaken up by all of this.

- Are you kidding?

We've been having a ball together,

going to stock car races, surfboarding,

nightclubs, jazz joints.

- That's the Tim O'Hara I know.

- Yeah.

Well after all that Kafka, Brahms, and Beethoven,

you know, a guy needs a little fun.

(knocking on the door)

That must be Peggy.

We have a date.

- I'll just make myself scarce.

(lighthearted music)

- [Tim] Hi, Kitten.

- Hi, Muscles.

- Mm.

Mm mm!

How was the wedding?

- Oh, the greatest.

You never saw anything so beautiful.

Everybody cried.

Oh and guess what?

- What's that?

- I caught the bridal bouquet.

- Oh, isn't that marvelous?

That means something, doesn't it?

- Well of course.

It means I'm going to be the next one to be married.

- Oh. (laughs) (Peggy laughs)

* Hmm dee da da

* Dee da da da

* Dee da da da da da da

* Da da da

- Uncle Martin.

("Here Comes the Bride")

Uncle Martin.

(resolute music)

(comical music)