Original subtitles

(mischievous orchestral music)

- Uh, (clearing throat) what's wrong, officer?

- Well, I'll tell ya.

This parking meter and I have a working agreement.

When it puts up its little red flag, I write a ticket.

(audience laughing)

You are over-parked.

(fluttering orchestral music)

(audience laughing)

- Uh, aren't you being a little hasty?

- If you're trying to talk a civil servant

out of a sworn duty, you're talking to the wrong stone wall.

- I was just trying to prevent a miscarriage of justice.

- Oh, one of those, huh?

Are you gonna stand there and tell me

that the timer on this meter is all wrong?

Or that you went to the store to get some change?

Or your watch stopped and you lost track of all time?

Well look, Buster.

I know all the answers, I've heard 'em all.

And as far as I'm concerned, when that flag

on this meter shows that you're over-parked,

you are over park.

(audience laughing)

I'm sorry, sir.

I'm really sorry.

- That's alright.

(playful orchestral music)

(beeping)

(suspenseful orchestral music)

(beeping)

(playful instrumental music)

(spirited orchestral music)

So that's when I turned the minute hand back five minutes.

- Well, your ingenuity may have saved you two dollars,

but I'm still sorry you didn't get a ticket.

- Well now, that's a strange attitude.

I thought that one of the American past times

was beating traffic tickets.

- That's not what I mean.

- Oh, so we're back to that again, huh?

- Yes, we're back on that again.

Look Uncle Martin, it's my car

and I'm responsible for anything that happens to it.

Now, that's why I wish you'd get a driver's license.

- I have a driver's license.

- I am afraid that the great state of California

does not have a reciprocal agreement

with the motor vehicle bureau on Mars.

- We Martians wouldn't approve such an agreement, anyway.

- [Tim] Why not?

- The way you people drive on your freeways?

- When I am on Mars, I will drive like the Martians.

As long as you're here on Earth,

you had better drive the way we do.

- Recklessly? (audience laughing)

- No. - How?

- With a driver's license.

(spirited orchestral music)

- [DMV Employee] Next.

(tense orchestral music)

(phone ringing)

- O'Hara.

Oh hi, Uncle Martin, how'd it go?

- Tim, you had a good idea but it wasn't such a good idea.

(audience laughing)

- Aw come on, Uncle Martin, I gotta finish this story.

I haven't got time to kid around.

- Ever since I walked into the motor vehicle bureau,

I've been having a terrible fight with my conscience.

- [Tim] I don't follow.

- When they ask me for a place of birth,

how could I tell them off?

(audience laughing)

Now I know your country accepts foreigners graciously, but.

- Oh yeah, I hadn't thought of that.

- There's something else you didn't think of.

Martians don't have fingerprints.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, that's right.

But Uncle Martin, couldn't you--

- If you don't get off that phone, O'Hara,

the noon edition will come out as the night final.

- Martin, look I gotta get this story finished,

call me back later, okay?

(crowd chattering)

(tense orchestral music) (audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

- Pardon me.

I am clumsy today.

(audience laughing)

- [DMV Employee] Next.

- Again?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm so busy today, I don't know what I'm doing.

- That's quite alright, we all make mistakes.

- [DMV Employee] Thank you.

- Thank you.

- A routine crosscheck of new driver applications

turns up a print that matches the only

unidentified print at the Linington jewel robbery last year.

- I don't understand.

Why are you telling this to me?

- Because that thumbprint belongs to Martin O'Hara.

- Martin O'Hara?

You mean Tim O'Hara's uncle?

- Exactly.

Tim was covering the Linington wedding for your paper

when the jewel robbery was committed, wasn't he?

- Well yes, but.

- Makes for an interesting theory, doesn't it?

- Tim O'Hara, no, I can't believe it.

- Make a great story for your paper.

Reporter covers big social event,

turns it into big news event.

Then gets diamond as bonus.

- Well, I've always considered Tim one of my

most trusted employees.

I've known him for five years.

- How long have you known his uncle?

- Well, just a short time.

- Even if you are worried that someone is following you,

the least you can do is say hello.

- Will you stop reading my mind,

and start reading theirs?

(dramatic orchestral music)

- I'm too far away to tune in on their thoughts.

- Can't you get them to think louder?

(audience laughing)

- And now since there are two of them,

I'm surprised you don't ask me to listen in stereo.

(audience laughing)

Why do you suppose they're watching you?

- Well, if I knew the answer to that,

I wouldn't ask you to read their minds.

- Well, we've got to get closer.

Lead the way.

(playful instrumental music)

- Is it any better?

- Mhm, they're beginning to come through now.

- Good.

- What's the Chavez Ravine?

- That's the Dodger ball park.

- Well, he's thinking that he'd rather be there today

than watching us.

(audience laughing)

- What about the other one?

- Mm,

he's wishing that he could be home because his feet hurt.

(audience laughing)

- Well, you have any inkling as to why

they're following me?

- No, absolutely no inkling at all.

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh.

- What, what's the matter?

- Wait a minute.

- What is it?

- I thought you said they were following you.

- Aren't they?

- Not exactly, the one on the left is yours

and the one on the right is mine.

They're detectives.

- Detectives, what's that all about?

- There's one sure way of finding out,

let's ask 'em.

- Now just a second, you can't go and ask

two strange detectives why they're following us.

- Well, now what's more simple than asking a direct question

and getting a direct answer?

The problem with you earth people is

is that you ask indirect questions and get indirect answers

and then wonder why you can't communicate.

- I suppose it's different on Mars.

- It has to be.

Since we can read each other's thoughts

there is no way to be indirect.

- Alright.

You go ahead and ask your direct question,

but I'll bet you get an indirect answer.

- Let's find out.

(playful orchestral music)

- Officers, we want to know why you've been watching us.

- Us?

Watching you?

- Let's not play cops and robbers.

If you have anything to ask us, ask us.

- We don't have anything to ask you.

- This is all so childish.

We want to know why we are under suspicion.

Take us to your leader.

(audience laughing)

- We can't do that.

- You mean you won't take us in,

even if we demanded?

- Look, if you want to go to headquarters,

you gotta get there on your own.

(eerie orchestral music)

(moves into playful instrumental music)

- That was a waste of time.

- Not completely.

- Well, he didn't tell us anything.

- That's right, but his silent partner thought up a storm

and we were the eye of the hurricane.

Does the Lenington jewel robbery mean anything to you?

- Sure, I broke the story.

- Well I've got the followup story.

The odds are 10 million to one.

But the fingerprint that I put on the driver's license

application matched the unidentified print

which was found at the robbery.

- Well, where'd you get the fingerprint?

- Well, I needed one for my driver's license, and--

- Now, just a second, Uncle Martin,

you do not have to give your fingerprint,

it's not mandatory, it's only voluntary.

- Now he tells me. (audience laughing)

- Where did you get it?

- I borrowed it from a distinguished looking gentleman

without his knowledge.

Of all the people in the world,

I had to pick a jewel thief.

- I thought you were a good judge of character.

- I am a good judge of character.

But I'm a terrible judge of fingerprints.

- Oh so now the police are looking for us

because they think that you committed the jewel theft.

- And they also think that you are my accomplice.

But don't look so unhappy, Tim.

When we get to San Quentin, you can have the lower bunk.

(audience laughing)

I should think that two grown men would have

more important things to do

than watching a poor, innocent Martian.

- The way they're watching us, I think they'd believe that

you're a Martian before they believe that you're innocent.

(laughing)

- Well, the whole thing is utterly ridiculous.

If they knew anything at all about Martians,

they'd know that I was innocent.

Why, on Mars, the beaches are covered with diamonds,

rubies, sapphires, emeralds, jade.

What we don't have is sand.

(audience laughing)

- On your next trip back, could you bring a pale full

of your Coney Island?

(audience laughing)

- Oh, Tim.

Tim, look, the answer to all our problems is right here

in your own newspaper.

- Oh, what is it, a boat leaving for Brazil?

- Listen.

Mrs. Summer Winthrop, Chairlady of the

Westside Children's League Charity

is having a fundraising affair Saturday.

As an attraction, the famous galaxy diamond necklace

will be exhibited.

Mrs. Winthrop will wear the diamond necklace.

You and I are going to be there.

- Are you out of your Martian mind?

Here we are, prime suspects as jewel thieves,

and you want to put us on the scene

with the most valuable necklace in the country?

Suppose something happens to it.

- That's what I'm hoping for.

When the gentleman I borrowed the fingerprint from

shows up, I'll know him.

- Suppose he doesn't show up.

- For the Galaxy Diamond?

That's like saying that a salmon won't show up

for the spawning season.

(audience laughing)

- So, I thought I'd cover the story for the paper.

- Our society editor usually covers those things.

- Now, Mr. Burns, who was it that taught me

that a good reporter always uses his sixth sense for news?

- And your sixth sense tells you it's newsworthy?

- It's just a feeling I had.

- Very well, it's yours.

- Oh, that's great Mr. Burns,

you'll never know what you've done for me.

- Now which photographer, you want Mac, Charlie?

- I thought I'd use my Uncle Martin.

- Uncle Martin?

Is he a good photographer?

- He's out of this world.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, Tim.

You know, I've always felt that our relationship

was a little warmer than ordinary employer, employee.

- Well, I've always felt the same way, Mr. Burns.

- And if a problem arose, we could confide in each other,

talk it over freely, openly?

- Well, Mr. Burns,

if you have a problem, I'd be very happy to listen.

- No, no, not me.

I thought maybe you had a problem.

I thought maybe someone was pressuring you into something.

- Just a monthly car payment.

(audience laughing)

- Alright, I'll see you at the affair.

(spirited orchestral music)

(crowd chattering)

- It's quite a turnout.

- There would have been an overflow crowd

just in detectives and policemen.

(audience laughing)

(lilting orchestral music)

For a policeman, he serves a rather good deviled egg.

(audience laughing)

- You mean he's a cop, too?

- Mhm.

- Huh, we got more men watching us

than a bathing beauty with a torn bikini.

- The analogy, though true, is rather base

for a man of your intellect.

See the young lady over there?

She was the woman at the motor vehicle bureau.

She must be the jewel thief's accomplice.

Maybe I can find out his name from her.

She's expecting him any minute.

His name is Henley, Brian Henley.

Tom Thumb just arrived.

- Wait, who?

- The distinguished looking gentleman over there

with the young lady I pointed out earlier.

- Are there any other suspicious looking characters here?

- Yes, there are two others.

- Who?

- You and me. (audience laughing)

According to Captain Farrow and his men.

- Oh yeah, I almost forgot.

The boys in blue still suspect us.

- [Martin] Hold it.

- It's been charming, gentlemen.

Have fun. (chuckling)

- Oh, I'm terribly sorry Mrs. Winter.

I don't know how I could have been so clumsy.

- Oh, that's quite alright.

The necklace!

It's gone!

(shrieking)

Oh, the necklace is gone!

It just disappeared.

He was the only one near me.

- That's true, officer.

But I don't have the necklace.

I'm perfectly willing to be searched.

- You will be.

Alright, block all these exits.

Nobody goes in or out.

- I don't understand.

Why would he ask to be searched?

- You wouldn't be mind being searched either

if you knew the diamond wasn't on you.

- But, how?

- Simple, my dear O'Hara.

He passed it on to his accomplice.

And you wouldn't believe where she's hidden it.

- I'm willing to believe anything.

- In the crown of Captain Farrow's cap.

- I don't believe it.

- It's really a touch of genius.

The police transport the necklace away from

the scene of the crime and once they're outside,

Henley and his accomplice steal it back.

- Come on, we gotta stop 'em.

- Hold on, Tim.

Here.

I just thought of something.

(atmospheric orchestral music)

- Uncle Martin?

- [Martin] Still here.

- What'd you disappear for?

- I've got to get to Henley,

plant the necklace on him, and then have him searched again.

(thunder roaring)

- How you gonna do that?

(thunder roaring)

Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin?

- [Martin] Shhh.

Do you want everyone to know that I'm not here?

- Well half of you is.

Look.

- [Martin] Jupiter!

(audience laughing)

- What happened?

- [Martin] It must have been the lightning.

- Well don't just stand there.

Either turn yourself on or turn yourself off.

- [Martin] I'm trying, but I can't.

The electrical storm is interfering.

(thunder roaring)

- [Tim] Well anyway, you're back in one piece.

- Yeah.

I've got to get to Henley.

(audience laughing)

- [Tim] Look down.

(gasping)

My control.

The electrical storm has ruined my control.

(audience laughing)

- Then you won't be able to get the necklace back on Henley.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

no one may leave this room.

We're sorry, but we're going to have to search

everyone here.

- Now just a minute.

Are you suggesting.

- I wish I could.

I feel my control coming back.

(atmospheric orchestral music)

- What good is that gonna do now?

Now this electrical storm is getting too wild.

I don't care if you're--

- You always in the habit of talking to yourself?

- Only when no one's there.

(audience laughing)

- Where's your cameraman?

- Oh, well you know photographers,

now you see 'em, now you don't.

- You wouldn't have any objection to being searched,

would you?

- It wouldn't do me any good if I did, would it?

- Alright.

I better search that uncle of yours.

- You do that. (audience laughing)

Bye.

Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin!

(playful orchestral music)

* La da dee dee dee dum

* La da da da dee

* Doh doh doh

* Doh doh doh

* Doh doh dee dee

- Uncle Martin.

* La la la la la

* Hm hm hm hm hm

- Uncle Martin.

* What is it Tim

- If you're through playing around,

how 'bout Henley?

- Oh yes, oh yes, ah.

Now, watch this, Tim my boy.

Mr. Henley has a fascination for diamonds.

Now let's see what fascination diamonds have for him.

(spirited orchestral music)

(sobbing)

(playful orchestral music)

(lilting orchestral music)

(audience laughing)

(tense orchestral music)

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

(moves into dramatic orchestral music)

(audience laughing)

- There's the necklace!

That's as far as you go, mister.

- I don't understand.

(audience laughing)

- I recovered your necklace for you, Mrs. Winthrop.

- Oh.

Oh, thank you.

My precious necklace.

Will you put it on for me?

Oh, I can't thank you enough.

- Well, I'm certainly glad I taught you

to trust your sixth sense.

Now I'll have to learn to trust mine.

(audience laughing)

- That Henley.

He almost got away with it.

It was a brilliant scheme.

- Yes, it was.

You know he's almost clever enough to be a Martian.

That is if he were honest.

(lilting orchestral music) (audience laughing)

- Well, I'm sure glad that fingerprint business

is cleared up.

- Well, the motor vehicle bureau is satisfied,

and Captain Farrow's happy, too.

- Hallelujah.

- It was a difficult evening for me, though.

I had no idea lightning would effect me like that.

(laughing)

I wish you could have seen your face.

First the top half gone, then the bottom half gone.

- Feels good to be present and all accounted for.

(thunder roaring)

(audience laughing)

(tense orchestral music)

How about that.

Alternating current.

(audience laughing)

(playful orchestral music)