Original subtitles

(upbeat music)

- But as the reader might expect living

among the natives was fraught with privation.

The real hazard however is not physical but mental,

earths whole atmosphere is permeated by raw naked emotions.

Hmm no strike that naked.

I don't want to sound like a movie ad.

Sometimes my head throbs from reading earth peoples minds.

Such brutal passion.

Such a fight Tim and Dolores had.

- Wanna buy five pounds of peanut brittle cheap?

- You and Dolores fought.

- It should have been on closed-circuit TV.

Uncle Martin could you please get your own typewriter,

now I know that this sounds silly to you

but after you've used mine in bucks.

- Nonsense you're just upset over Dolores.

- You don't understand that was the real thing.

- Why because she was a redhead?

- No because it was love at first sight.

Well at least I thought it was.

- Love at first sight, sounds fascinating.

I've read about it.

But it's an emotion we don't have on Mars.

- Don't have?

- Either it wasn't worth bothering about,

or was jettisoned back in the dusky ages.

- You the dark ages.

- Tim we were never that primitive.

Wait a minute,

what a fabulous chapter an unknown emotion could make

for my book.

Tell me about me it.

- Me?

- Well it's sort of a,

no it's not like that at all.

No it's, it's a,

what it is, it's more of a,

no no.

Uncle Martin look,

even the poet's can't do it justice.

It's not something that you tell.

It's something that you feel.

An emotion

- Mm-hmm.

I wonder if I could--

- Uh, now wait a minute

you make me nervous when you

hmm like that.

If you could what?

- Could experience the emotion myself.

(upbeat music)

He just a scars that never felt a wound

but soft what light through yonder window breaks

it is the east and Juliet is the Sun.

- Morning uncle Martin.

- He speaks, yet he says nothing.

What about his eye discourses

I will answer him.

Good morrow Tim.

- Gadzooks Shakespeare.

- An amazing fellow the only subject he

didn't cover with a quotation is Mars.

- He retired early.

- I still can't find

whoever loved, that loved not at first sight.

- That was Marlo.

Uncle Martin I hope you're not still on that kick.

- I've been priming all morning.

Oh by the way Tim do you have a torn t-shirt

I could borrow?

I'm beginning to feel earthy.

- I'm afraid uncle Martin I misled you last night

because this emotion is not all that it's cracked up to be.

You know something you people are very

wise not to have it up there.

- But some of your greatest literature is based on

love at first sight.

Romeo and Juliet,

Hero and Leander,

Tarzan and Jane.

- It's not all cloud nine.

People suffer.

Look at Dante.

Look at me.

- You seem to have slept alright.

- Wait 'till I wake up?

You'll see some suffering, that will tear your heart out.

Now just suppose you fell in love with a married woman.

- That possibility doesn't stop you people.

- Now I'm serious.

There could be repercussions.

This, this emotion carries you away.

You become captive,

you become helpless.

Powerless.

- From your point of view yes.

But that's because you people are never in complete

control of yourselves.

With me it's only an experiment.

Once I experienced a feeling I write it in my chapter

and that's the end of it.

I feel earthy.

I feel earthy.

I feel earth...

I feeling must have been bred out of us.

I was just leaving.

(upbeat music)

- Uh-huh, so here you are, you didn't tell me

you were going to bench hop.

We were supposed to have lunch together

remember and boy we got something to celebrate,

Deloris and I are back together again.

- Mhmm.

- What's the matter uncle Martin,

you look a little peakid.

Uncle Martin.

Did it happen?

Well how do you feel?

Who is she?

- I don't know.

It all happened so fast.

I never had a chance.

Tim I know nothing about her.

Tim, Tim we have to find her.

- Well uncle Martin you've already experienced the feeling.

- So I want to savor the feeling a little.

(upbeat music)

- I've had it.

I mean Sunset Boulevard is 18 miles long.

- Well we've only come short way.

- I know uncle Martin but look,

well maybe she took a cab or bus.

- I guess you're right Tim,

but it would have been nice knowing her name.

Look Tim.

It's her.

- That, that's her?

Peaches and cream?

Boy when you fall you sure do it literally.

- Oh nonsense, nonsense it was hot.

We did a lot of walking

and the mixture of your oxygen smog was too rich for me.

- Will you please stop that.

- Well anyway you know her name.

Boy I'm glad that's over.

- Yes but I've got to see miss Peaches again Tim.

Talk to her and have her to dinner and,

don't look so bewildered.

I'm in complete control.

- Oh sure just like when you're talking Martian.

- I spoke...

- Mhmm, you sounded just like Alvin chipmunk.

- Well I think in my native tongue

and I just didn't bother to translate.

In any case your fears are unfounded.

I'm not suffering.

I feel wonderful.

Just like I did at 80.

- Don't push your luck.

- Tell me Tim,

why was her picture in front of that building?

And why did she have on that that costume?

- Oh well you see we,

you,

you mean you've never...

Up there that they don't have...

That's interesting.

You see we,

we have an art form in which

bits of clothing are removed during

rhythmic dance.

- I'll have to include that in my book.

- Think it's worth a footnote.

- Tim would you do me a favor?

I've always been intimidated by artists.

Would you be kind enough to ask miss Peaches

if she will have dinner with me?

- Uncle Martin I am your friend.

- Please Tim I'd rather not do it myself.

- Absolutely no.

- Now the first thing I'd like to get squared away

is my name.

It's real.

My daddy was the comic of his cellblock.

He was a guard.

Tell me have you ever interviewed an

(muffled talking) before?

- Actually no.

- I didn't think so.

- Relax I'm a very human being.

- Yes I can see that.

- Did you know that the word (muffled talking)

was claimed by a newspaper man.

- No I didn't.

- I'm fond of little scraps of knowledge like that.

My problem is putting them together.

- Any hobbies?

- Reading, every afternoon in the park.

I'm concurrently wading through

Roger the (muffled talking) book.

- Do you have any pet peeves?

- Dishonesty.

Maybe it's an occupational hazard,

but nobody tells me the truth.

I get lied to about things like the time.

- [Male] Peaches rehearsal in two minutes.

- See what I mean.

I've got three minutes easy.

And it makes a difference.

Those wings are drafty.

- Miss And Cream I have an uncle who very much like to

have dinner with you tonight.

- Boy are you a disappointment.

- No really.

I'm not asking for myself it's my uncle Martin.

He's very nice person.

- Where would the dinner be, your apartment?

- Yes.

Oh he lives there too.

You see, he would have asked himself,

but he's very shy guy.

- He's shy?

- Uh huh.

- I like shy men.

Okay so Radisson,

I meet so few.

- Then you'll come?

- Okay, but if you just got a bunch of

etchings you want me to look at.

- [Male] Peaches last stage.

- You can call me about the details later.

Even if you're lying, the uncle bit

is kind of a cute pitch.

- Wait a minute the flag's not up.

- Defective windshield wipers.

- Oh now come on,

this is California.

It hasn't rained in here in nine months.

- It's about due, isn't it.

- Well I never thought that I would be the victim

of police brutality.

- You gotta press sticker if you

don't like the way I run my beat,

write an editorial.

- Now wait a minute is something personal in this?

- I thought you'd never ask.

- What'd I do?

- Look playboy I'm not a bachelor by choice,

Peaches and I almost--

- Peaches.

- You got her pretty shook up,

but don't count me out.

I can get these by the gross.

- Who's the first lover in history with a

rival from outer space.

- Surely I'm not losing control.

All the same I better be on guard.

- Uncle Martin.

Miss And Cream, may I represent my uncle Martin.

- How do you do?

- I'm so glad you could come.

- You didn't tell me he was a foreigner.

- Well he watches the late show a lot.

Well I think I just better be going.

Goodnight.

- Marty, you haven't touched a thing.

Do you feel alright?

- Wonderful.

- As a little girl I was taught to clean my plate.

I had everything because other kids were starving.

I never did figure out how that would help them.

And as you can see the habit persisted.

- I'm delighted you had a good time.

Tell me more about yourself.

- Well my big goal in life.

is to have my own TV exercise show.

- Oh I imagine you'd be very good at that.

You seem to be quite supple.

- Well it's really a public service,

as it is now, whole set of muscles are being neglected.

But first I want to write a book.

I already have a great title.

Life is just one great big runway.

- Something about aviation?

- Marty, I like you.

You have a wonderful sense of humor,

but I hardly know anything about you.

- Well I'm writing a book too.

- Oh good, what kind?

What's it about?

- Oh it's about people like you and me,

in some circles I suppose it would be considered

science fiction.

- I love the stars,

you know without them

we'd have no astrology.

- Peaches I wonder if I could see you again sometime?

- My horoscope says would be seeing a

great deal of each other.

Tell me which of my routines do you

like the best?

- I'm afraid I've never seen you perform.

- Really Marty, you're the first man who has ever

asked me out before.

- But I'll make up for it.

From now on I'll be in the front row at

every performance.

- Oh please don't.

That'll spoil everything.

- Shall we keep it this way?

- Could you?

- I'll never know what I'm missing,

but you have my promise.

- Thank you.

(car hooter honking)

- Is that your cab?

Already?

- Marty I've had a very nice evening.

- Not half as nice as mine.

- Marty if I didn't know better I think I was

hearing bells.

- Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin, what are you doing standing around

in the dark?

- Waiting for you Tim.

You're the only real friend I have on

earth.

Would you do us the honor of being best man.

- Oh sure I'd be glad,

best man.

- Is wonderful I lost control.

- You lost your mind.

- I'm in love, deeply in love.

- So am I,

but I don't want to get married.

- I know Felicia will understand.

- Do you mean you're already married?

- No, no Felicia's my sister

and I know she'll love Peaches.

- Oh Martin come down to earth,

now be reasonable.

You are a Martian.

- I see no reason why mixed marriage can't work.

- But not you and Peaches.

You are an anthropologist and she is a peeler.

- Do I detect a note of snobbery?

- Well perhaps so,

but the point still remains that you have nothing in common.

- We're both writing books.

- Even if you were one of us,

that combination just wouldn't work.

- Forget what Peaches does,

I love her for what she is.

- But you're worlds apart.

And by this I mean it just isn't fair to her.

- She has everything to gain.

She has a bright quick mind

and I can help her realize her potential.

Look how much you've improved

since I've been around.

- But Pygmalion didn't marry the girl.

- He had no confidence.

- Uncle Martin how can a guy

become such a romantic in one day.

- I was born romantic.

Did you know that we have two moons and

that one of them rises and sets three times a day.

There's romance for you.

Why I'll show Peaches the wonders of the universe,

the aurora borealis up close.

Star clusters and galaxies that she's

never dreamed of.

We'll honeymoon in the Big Dipper.

Incidentally her horoscope says that I'm

very good for her.

- Are you gonna tell Peaches that you're a Martian?

- Hmm?

- Are you going to tell Peaches that you are a Martian?

- Well there I'll follow the Earthian pattern.

Doesn't the husband always tell

the wife after the marriage that they've been fired?

- Uncle Martin it's unfair.

- Now aren't you people always saying

that all's fair in love and war.

Well Mars is a war plant.

- Hello Marty.

- Hello Peaches.

Please forgive me if I do this wrong but--

- Before you say anything more,

I have a confession to make about last night.

- There's no need really.

- I'll remember this day on my life

so I want it to be right.

You see I liked you almost from the very first

and I wanted to make a good impression on you.

- You did more than that.

- But not with the truth.

I thought about a book but I'll never,

I mean well I'm no Gypsy Rose Lee,

she can spell anything.

- So can I,

we'll collaborate.

- And my own TV exercise show is a pipe dream too.

Camera's scare me.

I even freeze up for snap shots.

There I feel better now that I've been honest.

- Peaches you make me feel very ashamed

there were things that I wasn't going to

tell you.

- You're out of work.

- That too.

What I have to say to you,

may seem fantastic, bizarre, incredible,

only, only trust me.

- You're giving me goosebumps.

- Where to begin actually I'm not really Tim's uncle.

- You mean one of those adoption situations.

- In a manner of speaking yes.

You see I'm really from Mars

and when my saucer crashed Tim found me.

I can show you the saucer,

it's at home in the garage.

- I bet it's still right under the cup.

Look I don't expect to know all about your past.

I've got a couple of skeletons myself.

- But it's all true.

- Marty I love your sense of humor,

but well enough's enough.

The truth is essential to our whole future relationship.

I'll settle for a little thing.

Where were you born?

- Why that?

- Well I've only been proposed to once before

and he told me six different places.

- The translation is Canal Fulton.

- Canal Fulton Ohio why didn't you say so in the

first place.

I played there for 16 weeks once.

It's a lovely town.

- Peaches, Canal Fulton Mars.

- Marty don't horse around.

You're gonna spoil everything.

Don't do it, don't.

- Hey is this guy bothering you Peaches?

- Yes just the way you did,

only he's got more imagination.

- I thought it was a guy with a sports car.

- You two guys aught to form a club.

- Peaches I want you to marry me.

- I asked her first.

- Go solve a crime.

- Peaches look I know I told

you I was born in Denver, and then I

forgot and said I was born in Boston.

- Some honest cop you are.

my daddy'd turn over in his grave.

- I don't know where I was born.

I was brought up in an orphanage.

Now you know.

- Well now we're getting somewhere.

Marty which Canal Fulton?

- The one you didn't play.

- Goodbye Marty.

Do you want to walk back to the theater with me?

- Goodbye Peaches.

- Dig in.

- You and Delores had another fight?

- She is impossible.

- Tim I'm afraid I've never given

you Earthmen enough credit.

- That's what I've been trying to tell you all the the time.

- It takes a real talent to understand an earth woman.

- Do you know what makes me miserable?

- What?

- This stuff.

I'm hooked on it.

- You know something Tim,

I don't think I'll ever be able to face another peach.

(upbeat music)